1981 - Angel J Melendez is born in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Nothing else cool happens that year unless you consider people shooting at President Reagan and the Pope cool.
1983 - Angel's mother, Marya, leaves Puerto Rico with her son in tow for Wisconsin. She discovers it's cold there. Meanwhile, The University of Miami Hurricanes win their first National Championship. UM's players successfully balance committing crimes and winning titles in the years to come.
1984 - Angel's mother grows tired of slippery, ice caked sidewalks and white people incapable of pronouncing her first name. She comes to her senses and moves her small family to Miami. The weather is warm and the people speak Spanish. She decides to stay. People still cannot pronounce her first name. Also, Portland passes on Michael Jordan. For the next fifteen years, the Chicago Bulls do pretty well.
1988 - The sporting world is turned on it's head as the Jamaican bobsled team does surprisingly well at the '88 Winter Olympics. Angel is unaware of such awesomeness; he is busy staging elaborate battle scenes between his G.I. Joes. Red Play-Doh is used as blood.
1991 - Angel puts away his Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson and Nolan Ryan baseball cards to collect Desert Storm and Yo! MTV Raps trading cards. His favorites are Norman Schwarzkopf and Slick Rick.
1992 - Nirvana almost single handedly annihilates hair bands. Angel jumps like David Lee Roth to celebrate. He puts away his MC Hammer parachute pants and starts growing his hair long so he can head bang.
1993 - The world is blessed with Cool Runnings. Angel tries impressing girls with his Cornholio impressions. He fails. He grows increasingly obsessed with Beavis and Butthead and Mystery Science Theater 3000. Angel also discovers something that changes his life: Football.
1995 - Cowboys beat the Steelers in the Super Bowl. It's the last good thing Dallas does.
1998 - Angel realizes how much he likes girls touching him. He chases after them so they'll do it more. He hasn't stopped since. In baseball, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa capture the hearts of fans across the country. Unbeknownst to the public, those same hearts will be broken years later by the same men.
1999 - Angel manages to graduate high school. He watches the U.S. win the Women's World Cup. Only he and seven other people in America care.
2000 - The world doesn't end. The St. Louis Rams defeat the Tennessee Titans in arguably the best Super Bowl ever. Angel bonds with his chain smoking roommate over fried chicken and Hennessy.
2001 to 2009 - Eight years fly by in a blur. Angels burns through jobs, quits college then goes back and gets seriously involved with four women who are each a special kind of crazy. Angel consumes barrels of beer watching all sports save golf. Never, ever golf. In '09, Angel joins Bleacher Report. He spends his summer break from college and substitute teaching by staying up late and writing ridiculously long biographies about himself.