Bleacher Report - Humor

If Tiger Woods Owns Several Cars, It's a Shame That He Got a Hole in One

Silver Fox — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 12:33:08 -0500

Thousands, if not millions, of articles, columns, and blogs , including Bleacher Report , of course, detail the facts and rumors regarding Tiger Wood’s car accident on Black Friday 2009.

Tiger Woods also was setting record in Google trends (http://bit.ly/4R793U ).

TMZ , who broke the news that Michael Jackson was in poor health before traditional news sources did, has been providing the most dramatic, and sensationalized coverage of this incident.

Twitter has been at the forefront of many such breaking news stories in recent months. And the latest is the car accident involving golfer Tiger Woods.

Early reports suggested Woods had hit a fire hydrant and a tree near his Florida home. As noted by TechCrunch , while traditional media was still sitting on the story, the @breakingnews Twitter feed had broken the news.

Other people, including yours truly, began retweeting the news and the story was all over Twitter before organizations like CNN or ESPN had even reported it (see Twitter again beats CNN by 45 minutes for Tiger Woods news at http://bit.ly/78Y2Ko ).

Google was almost as fast on the case, at about 10 minutes after the tweets were flowing, it started showing reports from local Orlando news outlets, where the crash occurred, giving details of the crash.

Within 15 minutes, readers knew what time the crash occurred at, apparently what happened, and some other important details, such as no alcohol being involved.

This incident has generated significant questions.

Why Was Tiger Woods Driving at 2:30 am the Morning After Thanksgiving? Was Tiger hunting early bird Black Friday specials?

Were Woods and his wife, Elin Nordegren, having a domestic dispute over an alleged affair of his?

Did the car accident or his wife cause his “facial lacerations?”

Why did it take 12 hours for this incident to be reported to the media? Was there a Cover-up ? Or are the police pursuing a domestic violence charge in this case?

I like Tiger Woods and I am glad he is all right. If he was seriously hurt, I could not laugh, look at the light side, and joke about it a little.

If Tiger Woods owns a lot of cars, it's a shame that he got a hole in one.

Tiger Woods just made a statement. He said it was the sh***iest drive he had all year.

I thought that Tiger Woods was a better "driver" than that.

However, after driving into a fire hydrant and a neighbor's tree, Tiger Woods says he is happy with his improved form .

For the first time in his life, Tiger Woods misread something.

I finally outdrove Tiger Woods on Black Friday morning.

What is the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball more than 300 yards.

Tiger Woods’ accident even impacts Fantasy Football (http://bit.ly/8PXMCu ).

His next video game will be entitled Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11: Modern Warfare.

Misquote of the Day: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" – Tiger Woods

Quote of the Day: ”An ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.” - Elbert Green Hubbard

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Items From the 2009 WS That Should Be In The Yankees Hall of Fame (Humor)

Christopher Chavez — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 20:57:37 -0500

Recently I has the opportunity to visit the New York Yankees' 2009 World Series exhibit in their Hall of Fame. There were several great pieces of history at display in the exhibit. There was Matsui's bat, Rivera's hat, Damon's spikes, and many more items. But here are some items that may have missed the cut for the exhibit...

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Arsenal-Chelsea: Let's All Laugh at Chelsea

Mohamed Eldin Masri — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 16:21:08 -0500

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the bet .

To those of you who might be new with this bet issue, allow me to elaborate.

Please read this article to get a full understanding on the current situation.

Now, I believe everyone knows a very important fact by now.

I am a man of my word.

If, God forbid, Chelsea ends up winning, I will write that article no matter how many times I puke during the process.

Now, if Arsenal win, Salomon Gonzales, the fair Chelsea community leader, will write an article describing how brilliant and successful Arsenal are.

But before all that, please allow me to start the feud by laughing at Chelsea for a few minutes.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *Unstoppable giggling*

Their manager looks like a mustache-less version of Super Mario.

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA *Insatiable cackaling*

Their entire squad are old geezers.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *Maniacal laughter*

With Lampard back, Van Persie and Gallas out, they are favorites to win tomorrow.

AHAH....Ohhh wait.... Oh dear

Anyways, here are the top 4 reasons why every neutral person out there should root for Arsenal.

1. Chelsea play anti-football, as has been proved by Barca last year.

2. Their home and away jersies are ugly. The third is pretty cool though.

3. They have Ashely "The Scum" Cole.

4. Drogba is , and I quote, "A f*****g disgrace."

Salomon, my friend, when you write about Arsenal's victory, I want it to be called: "Arsenal FC: The sexiest team on Earth".

I also want you to describe in detail who you think is the most attractive on the squad and explain why.

If you think I've reached a new low, wait and see what I have in store for a special douche bag when Man U visit the Emirates next January.

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Thomas the Tank Series Announces Development of New Engine Named Brett (Satire)

Dan Brickl — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:10:40 -0500

HiT Entertainment today announced today that they are in the process of developing a new Tank Engine named after Brett Favre.

“The engines have been such wimps lately and we wanted to bring a little NFL attitude into the Thomas the Tank Engine Series,” a company spokesman said. “We figured Brett Favre was the perfect example.”

Brett the Tank Engine will be discovered by Percy in a corn field on the island of Sodor. Brett will have a round face with blades of hay stuck to his chin and cheeks to represent Favre’s stubble look.

At first, Brett and Thompson, oops, Thomas will be enemies because Brett receives all the attention. Thomas thinks Brett is too dramatic, especially after he catches Brett crying because he wants to quit servicing the tourists of Sodor and go back to his corn field.

Brett will also win over the affection of Thomas’ two coaches Annie and Claribel. One day Brett winks at Annie and Clarabel and the two start fighting over him, resulting in a crash that makes Thomas unserviceable.

Sir Topham Hatt asks Brett to replace Thomas and deliver the Christmas presents to the orphanage which makes Thomas cross and gives him a boiler ache.

Brett pulls some pranks on Thomas to loosen him up and convinces him to blow his whistle a little more. Brett eventually grows on Thomas, especially after Brett convinces Sir Topham Hatt to go after Thomas’ friend Hiro when he is available from a competing train company.

Brett will be the most durable engine in the series. In one episode, Brett will go through rain, sleet, snow, and fall through an ice covered lake, but keeps rolling along under water until he finds his way out and back on the track.

Brett also endures endless maintenance problems, but drives on and ultimately becomes Sodor’s MVE (Most Valuable Engine).

Despite his success, Bret continues to tell the other engines that his next run will be his last, prompting the other engines to plead with him to reconsider retiring.

Brett’s color was originally designated to be green with gold stripes, but an unidentified source from HiT entertainment claims that Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf , Head Coach Brad Childres, and Offensive Coordinator Darrell Bevell have been ‘tampering’ with the design process despite the fact that HiT Entertainment wanted to maintain privacy until the color could be publicly announced.

Wilf argues that Emily, a "Stirling Single" engine is already green and gold, but the series does not have a purple engine yet. Ted Thompson, General Manager of the Green Bay Packers, quickly pointed out that Charlie is purple with white stripes, and Rosie is lavender and grey.

The United States Senate is rumored to be pressuring NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to resolve this color dispute quickly. Leading Senate and House Republicans had spent countless hours behind closed doors in debate about this dilemma and are now encouraging Goodell to push for Brett to be a Red, White, and Blue Engine.

Note: Completely Satire, No Evidence of Favre Becoming New Engine

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Top Seven: Worst First Place MVP Votes Since 2000

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 11:30:07 -0500

Every week, the Top Seven column will be enhanced by the newest addition to the JoeSportsFan Radio Network, Seven Minutes with Jason Major, where our Top Seven guru rants on the current topic, touches on previous lists and also vehemently defends his Cardinals bias...all in around seven minutes.

This week was a historic week for the Major League Baseball awards. It was not historic because two of the greatest players of our time—Joe Mauer and Albert Pujols—won the MVP.

It was historic because just one voter decided not to get cute and/or attempt to gain attention by voting for someone else who wasn’t the obvious MVP of the league. This year, Miguel Cabrera was the lone first-place vote who was not Pujols or Mauer, which is an absolute abomination.

Believe it or not, there are worse ones from this decade. One wonders if the Internet is the reason why there were less horrible votes this year than any other year—voters now know that they are going to get annihilated online if they vote the wrong way. This week’s Top Seven looks at the worst first place votes given out for MVPs this decade.

7. Andruw Jones, 2005

This is a perfect example of how voter infatuation with one statistic, in this case, home runs, can skew their thinking so much that they make an insane decision. Thirteen people voted for Jones in 2005 because he hit 51 home runs and led the league.

He hit .263 with a .347 OB%, and finished over 100 points behind Pujols in OPS. Here’s the craziest part—Derrek Lee absolutely crushed Jones in every other category, so much as you almost could make a case that he should have won MVP over Pujols, and Lee received precisely one first-place vote.

This, of course, leads to the other voter infatuation, team wins. In baseball, this is the worst argument of any of the sports. If your bullpen blows 30 games, is that your fault? What is the player supposed to do?

6. Alfonso Soriano, 2002

Unless “staring into the stands between every pitch and acting as disinterested as humanly possible” were a requirement for MVP, Soriano should never get a first place vote.

5. Brad Lidge, 2008

The Phillies played close to 1,500 innings in 2008. Lidge pitched 69-1/3 of them, or about five percent. It is simply not possible for someone to be the most valuable player in the league that only is a part of five percent of the playing time. It’s like a kicker getting MVP in the NFL.

Twelve people also voted for Lidge’s teammate, Ryan Howard, which leads me to an admission—the 2006 MVP vote is not as bad as I thought. I have long maintained that Howard-over-Pujols in 2006 is one of the worst ever.

I still believe it to be bad, and still believe Pujols should have won easily (due to defense and Pujols carrying the holy hell out of the Cards), but it’s not as big of a robbery as I have ranted about in the past. So there.

4. Johan Santana, 2006

But I can still complain about something related to the 2006 MVP! Life is good. Santana had one of the lowest finishes (seventh) of anyone who received a first place vote this decade, which should definitely count for something.

For reasons outlined with Lidge, I am in the “pitchers shouldn’t get the MVP” camp, though at least starters pitch more than five percent of their team’s innings. Santana threw about 15 percent of the Twins’ innings in 2006, and was absolutely ridiculous while doing so.

Still, an MVP vote when his teammate (Justin Morneau) won the league MVP in the same year? Not buying it.

3. Vladimir Guerrero, 2005

It would be interesting to see if there is any correlation between a guy winning one year and getting votes “just because” the next year. Terry Pendleton finished high on the 1992 NL MVP ballot after winning in ’91, when it was questionable as to why he was up there either year. Another example is Guerrero in ’05.

He had won the previous year and there was nothing wrong with that decision, but in ’05 he literally beat A-Rod in zero major categories, while playing in 21 fewer games, and someone still thought he deserved a first place vote. Did this person just mail in the previous season’s ballot?

Did they not even look at the stats? If they had a choice between taking $50 cash and a $500 check, would they choose the cash? How does this happen?

2. Sammy Sosa, 2001

First, remember that this is pre-steroids, so you can’t say that Sosa got votes over Bonds because of steroids. Secondly, even if it were because of steroids, said voters would not have voted for Sammy Sosa. With that in mind, two people thought that Sosa was the MVP over Bonds, who hit 73 freaking home runs and had a .515 OB%.

Bonds had him beat in everything except for RBI (Sosa had 23 more). The voters in mind couldn’t have even used the “team made the playoffs” crap either—neither team made it, and the Giants had two more wins than the Cubs.

1. Shannon Stewart, 2003

An oft-used phrase with bad MVP votes is that “in 20 years, people will wonder what the writers were thinking.”

Well it’s only six years after 2003, and I have no possible idea how in the hell Shannon Stewart got FOUR first-place MVP votes. Granted, the votes were spread around this year more than any other this decade by far (ten players with first-place votes).

You even had a couple of the aforementioned “send in the previous year or year before’s ballot” votes with Miguel Tejada and Jason Giambi.

But nothing is more random than Shannon Stewart—random because he led the league in nothing, random because he had 73 RBI all season, random because he had 13 home runs, and most random because THREE people voted for him.

This is the year where he was traded mid-season to the Twins, who made the playoffs, and it’s why three people voted for him. So they based their award for the entire season for a barely above-average player’s half-season with a different team? Makes total sense.

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Casting "The Simpsons" with MLB Players

Lewie Pollis — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 10:29:42 -0500

For almost 20 years, Matt Groening's "The Simpsons" has been a cornerstone of American pop culture. Even if the show has declined a bit in the last few years, it remains a gleaming bastion of wit and entertainment. Here's what the show would look like if it were cast with Major League Baseball players.

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Roger Federer Still Doesn't Like Andy Murray

Darren Wong — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:39:45 -0500

Juan Martin Del Potro defeated Roger Federer today in order to advance to the WTF semifinals, but it wasn't Del Potro who made a statement in this match. It was Federer.

Federer's statement? He still doesn't like Andy Murray.

Sure, the relations between the two seem to have warmed up somewhat from what they were like a few years ago, but that's all for show.

Today, Federer very conveniently lost just enough games in the match to allow Del Potro to advance instead of Murray. Had Federer won a third game in his brilliantly executed 2-6 first set tanking, Murray might still be alive in the tournament.

A brilliant tank-job it was.

Had Federer lost just a few more games, he himself would have been eliminated, but he was more than willing to take that risk for the chance of knocking out his dark nemesis.

Some might argue that there is no way that Federer would try any less than his hardest against the guy who defeated him at the U.S. Open, but it seems to me to have been the perfect strategy.

With this perfectly played match, Federer has killed two birds with one stone. He's taken Murray out of the equation, and sandbagged himself for a finals rematch against Del Potro.

Those of us in the know already understand that the only reason Federer lost at the US Open was to make the tour seem a little bit more interesting.

It's all part of an intricate strategy brilliantly orchestrated by Nadal, Mirka, and Gavin Rossdale. Of course, none of this would have been possible without the cooperation of Federer.

He's been only too happy to sacrifice a few ranking points for the greater evil. In the picture above, you can see Federer's downcast face.

It's not downcast because he's sad. He's looking down to try to hide a smirk of satisfaction.

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Buffalo Bills: Head Coach Search Merry-Go-Round Rumor Guide

Dan Van Wie — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:17:42 -0500

There have been quite a number of reports circulating lately on who is talking to the Bills, who is not talking to the Bills, and who wants to. People who have nothing to do with the Bills or care about the Bills, are tossing their two cents around like they own a bunch of man-hole covers.

You are getting ready to eat with the family, but want to come across as educated and on top of what is going on with your favorite team, the Buffalo Bills. Since you are the family authority on the Bills, print this update out ASAP!

This article will serve as a handy overview to bring to the dinner table with the family for Thanksgiving, so without further adieus, let me present the latest and greatest rumors condensed in to the "Head Coach Search Rumor Guide—Thanksgiving Edition Special". Enjoy!

Heck, you can figure out a way to make a game of this. Make up clues for each coach on the list. I will start with some random clues, like:

1) I live in the high altitude of cold Denver, but sport a tan all year long.

2) I was a part of a certain Beatles song.—I am the Walrus—coo coo achoo

3) I am a small man coaching big men and I have a Napoleon complex living in a booth nowadays

You get the idea. Maybe make the person that comes up with the worst clue to have to do the dishes. Gobble gobble.

It has been roughly ten days since Bills head coach Dick Jauron was fired. During this time period, there have been a slew of candidate names bandied about. A quick list of the latest and greatest rumors, trying to sort what we know so far in to these categories:

Been talked to and interested: ex-Broncos coach Mike Shanahan

Been approached and not interested: ex-Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden

Been approached and not interested in interviewing until after the season: ex-Steelers coach Bill Cowher and current interim coach Perry Fewell

Has not been approached but wants to be: ex-Rams coach Mike Martz

Has not been approached because he is already eyeing something else: ex-Packers and Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren.

Has not been approached yet until a role is to be determined for him: ex-Colts and Buccaneers coach Tony Dungy and ex-Giants and Cowboys coach Bill Parcells.

Has not been approached and may never be: Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis, CFL Coach Marc Trestman, and coordinator Leslie Frazier.

Has not been approached but was flattered to be rumored for consideration: Ex-Chiefs and Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer.

Another rumored name but not-ready-for-prime-time: U. of Buffalo Coach Turner Gil

Has not been prominently mentioned but could still land the job: ex-Saints coach Jim Haslett, ex-Giants Coach Jim Fassel and ex-Ravens coach Brian Billick.

Pass the stuffing please.....

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Rivalry Week in College Football: Why We Love To Hate

Chip Curington — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:40:59 -0500

It is the time of year we sit down with family and friends to feast together and fellowship over turkey and dressing, giving thanks for the many blessings in our lives. After our bellies are full and the thankfulness is over and done, we get down to what we have waited for all year...good old-fashion hate.

Its rivalry week. It's the week that lasts 365 days.

It's the reason we love to hate. It's the reason that in a convenient store in Alabama, I watched as a man entered the store looked at a display of Alabama and Auburn styrofoam coolers and took it upon himself to rearrange the display by placing the Auburn cooler on top of the Alabama cooler.

"Did you see that?" I asked the cashier.

"Happens all day, every day." she said.

It's the reason, in 1992, I witnessed the Georgia Tech band pull a tarp with the Tech logo and place it over the G at midfield at Sanford Stadium, home of the Georgia Bulldogs. It may have been one of the best performance the Tech band has ever put on but nobody heard a note due to the longest continuous boo that I have ever heard.

It's the reason why I once asked a doctor at an ER in an Alabama hospital what was the slowest day of the year, expecting to hear Christmas.

She immediately responded, "That"s easy, it's always the day of the Alabama-Auburn game." She told me that one year they only saw one patient and he was admitted due to a heart attack he suffered, you guessed it, watching the Alabama-Auburn game.

It's the reason for T-shirts stating "One for the Thumb" and bumper stickers that read "Punt, Bama, Punt."

And phrase like "Free Shoes University." It's reason why you see grown men in cars on the interstate doing the Gator Chomp or the Tomahawk Chop in taunting gestures even with kids in tow.

It's reason there are trophies shaped like an egg that both teams covet. And great names like "The Iron Bowl" and "Good Ole Fashion Hate."

It's the reason Robert T. Daugharty, owner and proprietor of Daugharty Gas Station in Valdosta, Georgia, once said "I hate Tennessee, I despise Auburn, and I loathe Florida."

"Gosh I hate to see who you abhor," I said. "I have no idea what the word means but it sounds like it fits Georgia Tech."

It's the reason I asked a South Carolina fan what would happen if his son grew up to play for Clemson and he stated, "I'd disown him, I raised him better than that." I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

It's the reason when the score of our rival is announced and they are losing we cheer and it's one of the loudest cheers of the day. It's why we have differing overall series records in our media guides, apparently games during WWII are counted or not counted depending on which side won those games.

It's the reason we would rather go 1-11 with the one win being over our rival. It's the reason our rivals name is in our fight song, usually telling them a destination we would like them to go to. It's the reason the final score this Saturday will be remembered for an entire year, and the winner will be proudly reminding the loser.

And the loser, having the score seared in his mind, counting the 364 days until that score is no longer relevant. It's the reason the winner gets to rub it in and pull all kinds of great practical jokes. It is the best time of year!

Rivalry Week...It's the reason we love to hate. Now you'll have to excuse me I have to go eat some turkey, give thanks and put a Georgia flag in my Tech friend's yard.

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Thanksgiving with our College Football family

Zane Vanhook — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:02:59 -0500

We all have family members that represent certain things to us. Our Grandma always has something special cooking, an uncle that shows up late and leaves early and a cranky family member who is always complaining about something. Some of the college football coaches may indeed remind us of those close to our hearts.

Jim Tressel is always the best dressed; a well groomed elder who is a good listener and has more sweaters than Bill Cosby.

Les Miles is the family member that just seems to let time slip away. For goodness sake don’t let him be in charge of how long to cook the turkey or we will all be eating at Dennys!

Urban Meyer, Nick Saban and Mack Brown (even though he admits he is more of a steak man) all want to be in charge of carving up the turkey. There does not seem to be much elbow room at the head of the table. Oh well, I’m sure they will settle it.

Lane Kiffin is the mischievous 12 year old running in and out of the house, usually with something sharp. He stops at the table to grab some food and run back out the door. So you tell him if he does not behave you will make him sit with Uncle Mangino and you know he doesn’t take any crap.

Brian Kelly is the restless older teen who is “sooo out of here” once he gets a real job.

Charlie Weis is the family member who is on hard times. “Is Uncle Charlie going to take us shopping? Shhhh!, He might get laid off at the football factory; luckily he invested well.”

Jim Harbaugh is the cousin who is always going back for seconds; watch this guy, Cousin Pete caught him once already.

Bobby Bowden is the relative that we need to discuss his current living arrangements. We need to talk to him about moving from his assisted living situation to the new retirement community. He is just so jealous of Uncle JoePa and wants no part of the retirement community.

Before succumbing to the stress of eating too much turkey and watching too much Detroit Lion football; hopefully everyone will take time during their holidays to recognize the things we are thankful for; and I’m not talking about a cheap Xbox.

http://www.zaneszeros.com/

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A Buckeye Thanksgiving: 10 Things I'm Thankful For

HD Handshoe - Block-O-Nation — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:24:51 -0500

Thanksgiving can mean so many different things to different people.

For me, it is a time to reflect upon, and appreciate, the people, and things in my life that I care for and cherish the most like my parents, my child, my wife, my closest friends, etc....

If you're a sports fan, it also can be applied to the teams you love, or those you love to hate.

Here are the 10 things to be thankful for this year—Buckeye Football Edition.

No. 10—I was not born in TSUN.

No. 9—I am not a fan of a certain hated, and currently God-awful team from TSUN.

No. 8—Now 2,194 days and counting, and another year, another (BCS) bowl game for my team. (Sorry TTUN fans.....not really).

No. 7—For the third straight year, the OSU seniors finished their careers 4-0 vs. TTUN, and have four of these:

No. 6—For the sixth year in a row, and eight out of the last 10...SCOREBOARD, SCOREBOARD, SCOREBOARD...

No. 5—Having an amazing athlete and rising star in Terrelle Pryor as my teams' quarterback. I can't wait for year three!

No. 4—Having seven of these, and still the only two-time winner, unless of course eSECpn rigs and/or buys another one for the undeserving Messiah of Florida.

No. 3—Having seven, and 34 of these respectively, and looking forward to the real possibility of numbers eight and maybe even nine, and numbers 35 and 36 possibly coming in the next two seasons, given our amazing recruiting, and assuming Terrelle progresses as expected like Troy did in 2006.

No. 2—Having been to no less than 10 Ohio State games with my Dad, and having that time with him in the greatest venue in all of sports, Ohio Stadium. It is a true National Treasure and I still get chills every time I walk through the gates. There really is nothing like a Saturday in The Shoe.

No. 1—This was a very easy choice for the top slot:

Having this guy...

instead of this guy...

leading our football program.

It's not always pretty, and Tress certainly isn't flashy, but a 93-21 record in nine seasons, six conference championships, seven 10+ win seasons, nine bowl games in nine years with a 4-4 record, including the 2002 BCS Championship speaks volumes.

I could go on, but the point here is that Coach Tressel is a winner, and so too are we, the fans, and also the young men that suit up and proudly wear the Scarlet and Gray under Tressel.

The 2009 season has flown by and I'm not thankful for that, but I am thankful for the opportunity to see the Buckeyes play one more game on Jan. 1 in the Rose Bowl, and for the visions I don't want to get out of my head of more Heisman, and National Championship trophies that could each end up in Columbus in the very near future.

Happy Thanksgiving to the entire Buckeye Nation.

Click For Block Nation Front Page

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Top 10 Things I Am Not Thankful for in Sports

Will Holt — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:31:30 -0500

The holidays are a great time for everyone to get together and remind themselves what they are thankful for. The list may include family, friends, a place to live, food to eat and one’s health. It’s a touching moment when someone lets a tear or two tinkle down the cheek. But who wants to cry? I thought I would sprinkle a little bah-humbug for everyone and remind you not to be thankful for everything in this crazy messed up world we live in. After all, there are people who will actually dress up their dog in a turkey costume this holiday season and they will think it is cute. I won't venture into any heavy topics. This is only sports. So sit back and let out the hate before you sit next to an annoying family member this holiday season. This is my own personal take so please feel free to add to the list. I am sure you will identify with something.

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Jimmy Clausen Punches Own Face, Notre Dame Enters Top 25 Boxing Poll (Satire)

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:36:39 -0500

In an attempt to avoid losing to another school people forgot had a football team, Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen was seen punching himself in the face outside a bar at 2 a.m. It was the best use of his arm Notre Dame fans have seen all season.

Notre Dame fans cheered the fight between Clausen and himself, saying it was the greatest boxing match in the history of fighting. Surprisingly enough, Notre Dame moved into the ESPN Top 25 College Boxing poll soon after the scuffle.

"There is just so much tradition and his outfit was so cool," one fan said. "It's Notre Dame. They have to be in the Top 25."

When reminded that Notre Dame hadn't been relevant in boxing in 20 years, the fan said, "So? They are Notre Dame. Clausen, his face, and his fist are the greatest trio in college history no matter what facts say."

The red-headed, freckled fan then proceeded to dance a little jig while drinking Guinness and talking loudly about beating his wife.

Mobs of Fighting Irish fans are swarming together, however, to hunt down Jimmy Clausen for fighting Jimmy Clausen.

"We don't know the facts, but we are positive Clausen sucker punched himself," Timmy O'Toole, the leader of one of the mobs said.

"Although they are awful, we must stick with the players, talk about their potential and the higher standard Notre Dame has for them, and, more importantly, deny facts against them."

When asked what he thought about evidence saying Clausen brought the fight against himself on himself O'Toole said, "A Notre Dame player never does anything wrong."

O'Toole then proceeded to pound the table with his hand while laughing hysterically at his own jokes.

ABC bought the rights to Notre Dame boxing and will have a rematch of Clausen vs. Clausen on Thanksgiving.

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The 10 Biggest Turkey's In the NFL This Season

Michael Cohen — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:27:45 -0500

Ok, so it's Thanksgiving weekend, a time when we get together with friends and family, and realize why one aunt can't stand the other, while granddad sleeps on the couch while little imp kids are drawing on his head with a magic marker - great times. Thank god we have blackberries and we can call/text/facebook/twitter our friends and hear about their similar sad stories. I was thinking, since this is a huge football weekend, I had to write something up about this cherished holiday. I could go on a rant about the awful NFL Thanksgiving Day schedule, and why the league should allow other teams to host games on turkey day, but that is like writing an article about how steroids are bad for baseball - exactly, who cares anymore? So instead here is a slide show highlighting the biggest turkeys to hit the NFL this season, before they ever hit your plate. Let the debate begin...

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Coming Out of the Closet: Yes, I Am an Oakland Raiders Fan

Dan Brickl — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:41:06 -0500

I know what you’re thinking. Bay area and coming out of the closet? Sounds a little suspicious?

A few years ago, I was laced with shrapnel from a 40 mm grenade. Being from Wisconsin, it didn’t surprise the doctor when he saw green and gold blood seeping out of my right calf wound...that is until he took a closer look.

“Wait a minute. I see subtle streaks of silver and black,” the doctor replied. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he scolded.

I felt ashamed and relieved.

I knew this day would come. I had been exposed and it was now time to come “out of the closet” and just admit it...Yes, I am a Raiders fan.

I have been the last 33 years of my life. I won’t shout it from the rooftops or break the news to my family over Thanksgiving dinner in Wisconsin. I will let them watch the Packers and Lions play in peace. The Pack will always be No. 1; I just needed a little more excitement in my life—I needed a rebellious side, even if I kept it a secret all these years.

My mom always knew my little secret—that’s one of many talents mom’s have. She would let me pick out two shirts from the Sears catalogue before every school year. I remember persistently pointing at a Raiders jersey in first grade, only to have my mom move my finger over to the Seahawks jersey next to it.

The Seahawks! The Seahawks are the Disneyland team of the NFL!

The myth of being a Seahawks fan stuck with me throughout my primary years. “The Packers are his No. 1 team, but his favorite AFC team is the Seahawks,” I would hear my mom tell Aunts and Uncles.

Jimmy “the Bad Boy of Little Chute” Pagel moved to our town in fourth grade and wore his Raider’s jersey everyday to school. I was jealous. Not only could Pagel’s silver and black side freely come out, but he was also allowed to park his Raider’s themed trail bike in the Principals parking spot and pop wheelies on the school sidewalk. He didn’t need to say a word. The Raider’s jersey spoke volumes and nobody, kid or adult, would mess with him.

After my high school graduation ceremony, my mom pulled me aside in tears. “I feel so bad about forcing you to hide your true personality all these years. Don’t let the world dictate who you really are inside,” she said before slipping me a $20. “Go out and buy yourself a Raider jersey and wear it with pride.”

I did purchase the jersey my freshman year of college, but I was too scared to wear it in public. Like Superman, sometimes I would hide it under a sweater when I needed the courage to ask a fawn-eyed coed out, but otherwise I would only wear it doing pushups in my dorm room when my roommate left for the weekend.

Some would say that in this day and age, it’s OK to be a Raider fan, despite the fact that the Raiders have been the laughing stock of the NFL the last five years. Yet, even when the Raiders were winning, a foreign state fan still didn’t want to reveal his admiration for the silver and black.

Apparently, there are only two reasons why someone would legitimately be a Raider fan: 1) you live, or have lived in Oakland 2) you drive a Harley and have a nasty streak.

I don’t meet either of those criteria. I have always been the squeaky clean kind of guy described as either nerdy, preppy, or both. That is until now.

Imagine how shocked my wife was when she found out I was a Raider’s fan after being married to her for 10 years. It was as if I had been going to the sports bar all these years when I said I was going to the library.

Worse yet—sneaking snacks from the convenience store and not recording it in the budget. She demanded counseling unless I could come up with some really good reasons to be a Raider’s fan.

It’s not as if the Raiders are as loved and hated as much as the Cowboys, Yankees, and Lakers. Nice guys can still be fans of those teams.

But the Raiders?

Their fans wear spiked shoulder pads. Many of them look like the walking dead. Their helmet has a football player with a patch on, and swords that look like skull and crossbones. The player on the helmet is even smiling at you which is very spooky. Three year old kids stop dead in their tracks when they see a "Black Hole" Raider’s fan, and then book it the opposite direction.

(I trust pre-schooler's instincts by the way.) Raider girls are always the wildest at parties. No opposing team fan wears his jersey to Raiders games unless he has the secret service covering his back.

How could I possibly explain my love for the Raiders to my wife?

I tried telling her that if I had to choose players from one NFL team, past or present, to go into war with, I would choose Raiders. Stabler, Tatum, Biletnikoff, Hendricks, and even Robbins were mean, viscous, dirty and tough players that defined the Raider’s “old school” trademark football style.

But obviously that would work against me.

I could then try telling her that the Raiders won three Super Bowls and one AFL Championship. That the Denver Broncos and Kansas City chiefs can credit their previous success to their hatred of the Raiders and wanting to beat them. Isn’t it ironic that when the Raiders are good, these teams follow? When the Raiders decline, these teams follow?

But my love for the Raiders is not based on wins and losses; it is something mysterious that is immeasurable.

I could admit that secretly adoring the Raiders provides me a harmless way to rebel against suburbia and my Leave It To Beaver life. “Better than partying and sneaking Scotch and cigars on the weekend.”

But I don’t like Scotch and don’t smoke, and this would prompt her to dig for more dirt.

There is no explanation or excuse for a guy like me to be a Raider’s fan. I can’t “just win baby” with any argument.

What’s a guy like me to do? What would a Raider of the '70s do?

On the one shoulder, I have former Seahawks Steve Largent and Jim Zorn, both upstanding citizens and republicans, calmly counseling me to “do the right thing, be a family man, and give up the Raiders for the love of your kids and wife.”

On the other shoulder I have Ken Stabler and Ted Hendricks barking at me, spit from their mouths thankfully blocked by their thick mustaches, to “be a man, let the Raider side of you come out. A Raider gives no excuses and takes no prisoners. Your wife will thank you for sticking to your swords. Just Win Baby!”

In the end I took the great Raider’s advice. The first week wasn’t easy. I wore my Raider’s jersey everywhere, including a church potluck which prompted the scorn of an 85 year-old Silver Eagle named Violet Redenbacher, thus embarrassing my wife. I knew what was about to come.

That night we had it out. “I hate the Raiders,” she would say with tears in her eyes.

“I have to be me,” I constantly reminded her. Unable to force me to bend, her water stained eyes turned to fire. There was something about my Raider attitude that she liked. She suddenly found me irresistible.

The following day she went out to buy a Raider’s jersey. She looks good in it, and knows it. Yes, she is now a Raider fan as well.

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Time Warp Battle: 1969 Chuck Norris Would Melt the “Iceman” of 2006

James Ryan — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 09:48:52 -0500

Are you ready for one of the longest Chuck Norris jokes ever written?

Cripes, here goes...

Many scientists have been under the impression that global warming has been the leading cause behind the melting ice glaciers in our polar caps since around 1958.

Coincidentally, that also happened to be around the exact same time that the now legendary martial artist known as Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris began his martial arts training at the age of 18, in Tang Soo Do, which is a Korean martial art combing the disciplines of Shotokan karate and Shaolin kung-fu.

More recent studies are now indicating that the “melting” effect has not been caused by carbon dioxide emissions, methane, nitrous oxide, deforestation, or the erosion of permafrost as previously suspected.

The real cause?

…wait for it…

A deceptively warm global-sized breeze created solely by the continuous and powerful round house kicks by none other than…you guessed it…the man himself…Chuck Norris.

[SILENCE]

Hey, I didn’t promise it was going to be funny, but with that being said, you really can’t argue with science.

So how exactly would a legend like Chuck Norris (1969) fare against some of our more beloved UFC Hall of Fame Superstars? Perhaps a fight against Chuck Liddell, who also happens to be an American Kempo/Koei-Kan karate kickboxer (with a record of 20 wins and 2 losses), would be a good way to find out?

And don’t get me wrong, I really like the new Chuck, but to be perfectly honest, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch him dance. I’m referring to the Chuck that we all love and respect—the year was 2006. You had pimples.

[INSERT FLASHBACK MEMORY]

Back in 1969, when Chuck Norris was in the prime of his fighting career, he was more than just a promising, young action movie and television star with concrete fists of fury. He was a full-fledged, honest to goodness, full-contact kickboxer, long before the UFC days were ever introduced.

And he was the best.

In 1969, Chuck Norris won Karate’s Triple Crown for the most tournament wins of the year, and the Fighter of the Year award by Black Belt Magazine.

By 1974, Chuck Norris retired with a karate record of 183 wins and only 10 losses (the final loss occurring in 1968). He was the professional Middleweight Karate Champion and remained unbeaten for over six consecutive years.

“I thought that I could defend my title again in 1975 at the age of 35 and win my seventh consecutive year, but then again I could probably lose, so I decided to retire as an undefeated champion. To this day I am considered one of the top fighters of all time. If I had fought and lost, that may not have been the case,” Chuck Norris has said.

We all know Chuck Liddell is one of the most devastating punchers in all of history. Well, I guess truthfully we would have no way of knowing that for sure, but it sounds cool. Plus, he’s probably pretty close.

In fact, come to think of it, I’ll bet that you couldn’t say for certain that any one person in the history of this planet has ever hit harder than the “Iceman”. Well I know of one.

His name is Chuck Norris.

[GASP]

Now I ask you, if Chuck Norris could single-handedly devastate our wretched little planet with one full sweep of his enormous tree trunk-sized leg— what possible chance would Chuck Liddell (circa 2006) have?

I suspect that it wouldn’t take very long for the “Iceman” to become a “Puddleboy”.

Cheers

Please visit www.mrjamesryan.com

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Time Warp Battle: 2006 Chuck Liddell Would Turn Chuck Norris into a Joke

Robert Gardner — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 09:41:29 -0500

Welcome, to the first installment of Time Warp Battle where we pit two fighters from different eras against one another to see who reigns supreme.

Standing the red corner we have film star and International Karate Champion Chuck “Nicknames Are For Pussies” Norris, and in the blue corner UFC light-heavyweight Champion Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell.

Norris is a well versed traditional martial artist, holding black belts in Tang Soo Do, Tae Kwon Do, Shito Ryu Karate, and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but all of his competitive accolades all came in the realm of non-contact. Norris is undoubtedly one of the greatest western martial artists of all-time but his lack of experience in the world of full contact will not help him inside the octagon.

While many of the skills and techniques of full and non-contact are the same the application and response are very different. All of the training in the world means very little if you cannot take or are not prepared to take punishment. Getting hit in the face changes the entire complexion of one’s approach.

The man standing across the cage from Norris is someone who takes great pleasure in hitting people in the face. That man is Chuck Liddell.

In 2006 Chuck Liddell was the reining UFC light-heavyweight champion. During 2006 Liddell defended his belt three times and in each instance, walked away with a TKO victory.

Liddell’s strength inside the octagons comes from his unorthodox striking and his strong wrestling back ground. Now Liddell didn’t use his wrestling like most would assume, he used his wrestling in reverse to stuff takedown attempts and keep things standing. That’s not to say he never went for the takedown because like any good fighter the key is to keep your opponent off balance and to keep them guessing about what is coming next.

Let’s get it on!

Both fighters come out and touch gloves and being to circle. Norris is utilizing a wide Karate stance making to easy for him to flick out kicks with either leg. Liddell continues to stay on the outside looking for his range.

Norris is the first to bring the fight, opening up with a front kick and following it up with a one-two combination. Liddell is unfazed and connects with a stiff left hook but misses with the big over-hand right.

Noticeably shaken up by Liddell’s power, Norris begins to backpedal trying to keep out of the Iceman’s punching range. Liddell takes his time and stalks his prey waiting for the right moment to unleash his fury.

With a couple we placed kicks; Norris is beginning to build his confidence. Norris closes the distance to use his hands and combinations but Liddell is ready. Once inside his range, Liddell fires a powerful overhand right that send Norris crashing to the canvas.

Liddell wastes no time and goes in for the kill, delivering the finishing touches before Big John steps in to call the action.

2006 Chuck Liddell is victorious via first round TKO.

For those who believe that Chuck Norris would be victorious please view the piece by James Ryan.

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End The Divas Division

FoleyIsGod — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 01:56:42 -0500

I'm not saying I don't make the occasional spelling error here and there but GOD DAMN, if you're going to be hosting the Governor who also happens to be a hall of famer for your company, maybe run a spell check on the intro graphic.

I've actually been pretty down on WWE lately as it seems everything they do is fail. They're not getting the audience reaction they want, the product seems stale and the momentum they seemed to have gained between February and June has all but dissipated into cliches, redundancies and audience confusion.

No more is this obviously apparent than in the Diva's division. I've actually gotten into the habit of fast forwarding through any Diva's match on my DVR (which it sometimes seems the live audience at these events wishes they could do) and have felt much better because of it. Much like a child that refuses to get a flu shot and then doesn't get sick, I've learned to avoid pain in search of greater pleasure.

It is with great remorse that I now admit I did watch the Diva's traditional Survivor Series match last Sunday as well as the Pilgrims versus Indians match this past Monday. No bathroom breaks, no beer runs, no surfing the internet for dear God anything to take my mind off what is happening on the television - I went at these matches like a cleaver to a turkey neck.

I am in a great amount of pain this Tuesday night.

I guess I don't understand the point of the Diva's division. I mean, are they just there to give thirteen year olds boners? Because if they are then they really have to do away with that "smart, sexy, powerful" bullshit. Just call it what it is: "Implants, emaciated lingerie models and the prayer of a nipple slip."

As a fan of the Knockouts division in TNA this is just embarrassing. In fact, I'm convinced the Diva's division has set back the women's movement by generations. I just see little girls at home, faces pressed eagerly against the TV, hoping and praying that one day they too can compete in front of thousands of fans and fuck up a sunset flip or dress like a slutty Christmas elf.

It's almost impossible to watch a Knockouts match and then immediately watch a Diva's match and call them both the same thing - wrestling. They are so fundamentally different that one has to go. Here is what I propose.

1) Draft Beth Phoenix and Mickie James over to TNA where they will get some fucking respect.

2) If the WWE is so adamant about keeping the Divas, use them as the models they really are. Instead of having DX hawk their book and calling it a "promo" stick it between some Divas, film them kissing and then get back to the show.

This simple solution will allow me to avoid sitting through the needlessly shameful plugging of merchandise I will never buy as well as the egregiously awful Diva's matches.

Actually now that I think about it if they actually did do that I might be the proud owner of whatever piece of merch was nestled between the two snuggling pairs of surgically superior specimens.

In closing, Pilgrims versus Indians? Quotith the Miz: REALLY? The only redeeming thing about that entire segment was hearing Tatanka's music. It reminded me of a time when wrestling could be silly and ridiculous and I actually enjoyed it. When Layla and Michelle McStyles left their partner in the ring and just walked out hands raised above in disgust I felt like doing the same thing.

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Breaking LeBron James' Personal Free Agency Media Silence

Bryan Toporek — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 01:11:59 -0500

So, LeBron James, you're done talking about your impending 2010 free agency for the rest of this season?

Well, I'm sure not. And because I'm not, and because I'm thinking about how sweet you'd look in a 76ers jersey next year, I've decided to take some drastic measures.

I'm going to over-analyze the few things you did say before your self-imposed media silence.

After his only game in Madison Square Garden this season, a 100-91 Cavaliers victory over the New York Knicks in which he finished with 33 points, nine rebounds, and eight assists, the King naturally received about becoming a free agent next year. The Knicks have been frequently mentioned by the media as a potential landing spot for LeBron, despite their current lack of championship-caliber talent.

With that in mind, let's break down the King's postgame comments:

When asked what he plans on doing upon becoming a free agent on July 1, 2010, LeBron replied:

LBJ: "I don't know because it's the first time I'll be in this position, being an unrestricted free agent. I haven't been there yet, so I don't know. There's no timetable. I'm not going to rush it, I'm definitely going to stay in shape and stay in the gym next summer like I've always done and we'll see what happens."

Translation: I'm not Carlos Boozer here. Teams are going to be lining up with max contract offers ready to go, months in advance. But...

LBJ: "I think at the end of the day, a max deal or anything like that doesn't really matter to me. It's all about winning for me, so I'm going to put myself in a position when that day comes next summer.

"I want to win, and if I feel like the team is capable of winning, then I make my decision like that."

Translation : Let's be honest...I'm LeBron James. I have a diamond toilet. And a swimming pool filled with money.

I don't need a full max contract. I'd much rather sign for a little bit less if it means playing alongside a legitimate superstar for once in my career. Don't get me wrong, the Olympics are great and all...but I'd like to play with another superstar more than once every four years.

And besides, I'll make that extra $5 million up with one endorsement deal alone! It's great to be the King.

Oh, P.S.: I sure as hell ain't signing with a team that's gonna make me play one-on-five like Cleveland does all the time. I want teammates that can actually help me win games occasionally.

LBJ: "I don't know who made the schedule for the Cleveland Cavaliers to only be [at Madison Square Garden] once, I'm kind of disappointed in that."

Translation: That sound you hear? That's the sound of 100,000 Cavaliers fans collectively jumping off the nearest bridge.

What can I say? I might be from Cleveland...but New York's my second home. Now where's Derek Jeter? We're supposed to go on a "couples' dinner" later...

LeBron did come back three days later to clarify his position on a max contract:

LBJ: "Let's get this clear: I said the max contract doesn't mean more than winning. I didn't say 'I don't need a max contract' or 'I'm not going to get a max contract.' All I'm saying is that winning is more important to me than money at the end of the day."

Translation: Everything I said about that max contract? Well...it better be a damn good team for me to sign for less. If you think you're signing me for less than max, you better start working the phones to D-Wade's agent now...

But finally, on Wed., Nov. 11, five days after making his original comments on free agency, LeBron pulled the rug out from under anyone who wanted to spend their next nine months hanging onto his every word:

LBJ: This free agent talk is getting old. It's getting old and I think I'm going to stop. Tonight will be the last time I answer any more free agent questions until the offseason."

"I think I owe it to myself, and I owe it to my teammates. It's just getting old. I'm focusing on this season, and this is going to be a really good season for us. I don't want anymore distractions for my teammates, for my organization, for my family. This will be the last time I answer a free agent question for the rest of the year."

Translation: People only want to talk about two things this season—my free agency and what's wrong with the Cavs. Oh, and whether or not the Shaq trade was a mistake. We won 66 games last year. I know we lost in the Eastern Finals, but...really?

Time to get the zoo out of here until next year. Sorry, fellas.

No, I don't already know where I'm going next year...this season isn't even over yet. Let's wait to see which team can hose Chris Wallace into trading the Grizzlies' best player for 40 cents on the dollar this year before I make any big decisions.

But seriously...if you think I'm going to the Knicks or the Nets with the way they've been playing this season? Uh. I'll see you in Neverland.

Don't worry, reporters...you can still interview Shaq. He's good for something print-worthy every time he opens his mouth.

I mean, did you see "Shaq vs."?

And there you have it. LeBron James, ladies and gentlemen. May the LeBron 2010 Sweepstakes begin...get your checkbooks ready.

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Ottawa Goalie Pascal Leclaire Injured Making First Save of Season (Satire)

Aaron Tom — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:54:16 -0500

PLEASE NOTE: The following article is entirely a work of fiction. The player quotes used in the following article were created entirely by the author, and in no way should they be mistaken for real quotes. All views and opinions expressed within are solely the viewpoint of the author, and do not reflect the views or opinions of the Ottawa Senators or the National Hockey League.

In an unfortunate occurrence for the National Hockey League's Ottawa Senators, goaltender Pascal Leclaire was injured following an incident in which he was struck in the cheek by a puck, in a contest between the Senators and the Washington Capitals on Monday night.

The problem on the shot was Leclaire's positioning—he was on the bench, serving as a backup when the incident happened.

Though the injury could mainly be attributed to bad luck (the puck was deflected onto the Sens' bench off a player's stick during play, and headed straight for Leclaire, who was preoccupied talking to the team's trainer), and despite the potential for humor in the situation, the Sens' were not laughing.

"That figures," stated Ottawa forward Mike Fisher, after learning of Leclaire's broken cheekbone. "Not only does he finally manage to stop a puck, but to add insult to injury, he wasn't even paying attention when it happened. How many pucks has he watched go by him this season while he was actually playing?"

Coach Cory Clouston was also disappointed at the irony of the situation, stating, "The kid finally does something to show me he deserves to be our No. 1 goalie, and now he's out for the next month at the least.

"Hopefully he can recover soon and give us another underwhelming month or so of hockey before inevitably getting hurt again."

Even Pascal himself voiced his frustration at the unfortunate scenario. "It's not the injury that I'm upset with," said the oft-injured goalie during a media conference. "The problem is, Ottawa's paying me to get injured frequently during games, not while I'm on the sidelines.

"I feel like I've let the team down on so many levels."

Leclaire went on to rank the most recent injury as the third most embarrassing of his seven year career with the Blue Jackets and Senators.

It ranks right behind the time he broke his hand giving Columbus teammate Jason Chimera a high five in celebration of a recent win, and the time he fractured his ankle in three places after coming down awkwardly on it while walking his dog early last year.

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A Very Nelly G. Thanksgiving: What I Am Thankful For

Nelly G. — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:43:30 -0500

There comes a time (or a few) when one man will be judged. Whether that judgement be in a past, present, or afterlife, that man will have to account for anything, ethical or not, they have done. One of those times is a certain Thursday in November. One would usually have to say what they are thankful for. Coming upon Thanksgiving, I have really though, and I am grateful for five things. And you will see what they are.

Begin Slideshow

Pac-10 Preview Week 13: A Week Off before the Only Game That Matters

Keith Becker uosportsdude.com — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:41:13 -0500

Normally I would be angry about the Ducks having a week off, but to tell you the truth, I could use a break. I am completely spent from that down to the wire, pulling out my hair, covering my eyes, instant classic, comeback win down in Arizona.

I was so nervous in the fourth quarter it felt like I had just drunk 17 cups of coffee. And then when Jeremiah Masoli found Ed Dickson in the back of the end zone on that beautiful post route, it was like I had a Starbucks double-shot to account for the giddiness.

To sum up, I was shaking more than a Shakira music video.

But now we get to look ahead to a game even more important and nerve-wrecking than last Saturday: the 113th Civil War.

And just so we can properly hype up this game to the mammoth proportions it deserves, there will be a Super Bowl-esque break beforehand.

With how much attention the game is drawing already, it will take about seven overtimes for this game to live up to the hype.

But that’s enough about that, for now.

With Thanksgiving on Thursday, I’m making my picks for the rest of the Pac-10 early.

Stanford 38, Notre Dame 24

The Fighting Irish have taken a beating this year, figuratively and literally. If the media hasn’t been hard enough on Charlie Weis and his team this year, fans are going above and beyond to get the message across that 6-5 just doesn’t cut it in South Bend.

After last week’s devastating home loss to Connecticut, quarterback Jimmy Clausen was punched in the face by a disappointed fan. And much like Notre Dame this season, Clausen did not fight back and left.

If the Fighting Irish can’t handle a single fan at a sports bar, imagine what Heisman candidate Toby Gerhart will do to them this Saturday. I don’t like their chances.

Arizona 34, Arizona State 17

This has let-down game written all over it for Arizona. It will be hard for the emotionally bruised Wildcats to bounce back from the disappointing loss to Oregon, especially on the road.

But luckily for them, the Sun Devils just aren’t a very good football team. And hey, they are still in the running for the Holiday Bowl, so don’t tell me they have nothing left to play for.

Washington 28, Washington State 17

As bad as these teams were last year, the Apple Cup was one of the more exciting (yet pathetic) games of the season.

Both of the Washington schools got off to relatively promising starts this season, so it is disappointing for these teams to have a mere two Pac-10 combined wins coming in to this year's contest.

If you have nothing better to do Saturday afternoon, it might be fun to watch these two teams battle for supremacy in the state of Washington. But then again, that’s like being the tallest midget or smartest retard.

Even if you win, you still suck.

USC 24, UCLA 17

On the bright side, USC fans won’t have to complain about suffering through another Rose Bowl. With a win, the Trojans could make the execs over at the Holiday Bowl the happiest people alive. And the Bruins? Well, they would be happy with the Poinsettia Bowl.

Can you imagine that if USC loses this game it would fall to 4-4 in conference? I can’t even remember the last time that happened. I am going to attribute the fall of the Trojans to the beating Oregon put on them in Autzen on Halloween. Take that, Matt Barkley! Fear the Juju!

The UOSportsDude.com

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Jeremy Affeldt: The 10th Best Player In The National League?

Evan Bruschini — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:59:07 -0500

"Really?"

These were the first words out of my mouth when I read the voting results for the National League MVP.

Somebody thinks that Jeremy Affeldt is the tenth best player in the National League. This is what I knew:

Jeremy Affeldt recieved one tenth-place vote for the National League MVP.
Jeremy Affeldt is a left-handed relief pitcher.
Jeremy Affeldt is not a closer.
Trever Miller received no MVP votes.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that Trever Miller is even close to MVP quality. But, both of these guys are fantastic left-handed relievers, and if Affeldt is anywhere near the top ten players in the National League, so is Miller.

Which is just not the case.

Of course, the first thing on my mind was that some Giants beat writer was hanging out with Tim Lincecum. Or that Affeldt had become a beat writer.

I dug a little deeper, and found out who had voted for Affeldt. And here's his reasoning:

"10. Jeremy Affeldt

"Wait, what? OK, OK, this is my “sore thumb” vote. And no, I can’t really make an airtight case for Affeldt, a middle reliever, as the 10th most valuable player in the league. Especially when I don’t have Tim Lincecum, or any other pitcher for that matter, on my ballot. (Without glancing at Win Shares, I’d have to believe there are many pitchers who rank way above Affeldt.) In choosing Affeldt, I also bypassed several other worthy candidates. For instance, have you noticed there isn’t a single Dodger on my ballot? But hey, this is my “prerogative” vote. If it were a three- or even five-slot ballot, I wouldn’t dream of making a “statement” with my final selection. But this is a ballot that goes 10-deep. We all knew Pujols would win in a landslide, and there’s really no impact anyone can make with their final selection. So I think it’s completely harmless to give a tip of the cap to the relief pitcher who had the lowest ERA in the league while appearing almost exclusively in highly leveraged situations. Affeldt was an MVP in the bullpen, all right. He didn’t allow a run from May 8 to July 24 — posting 27 scoreless innings over 28 games. He did his job, one of ever-increasing dependency, better than anyone else in the NL, and given all the close games the Giants played, he made a huge impact in their final 88-win record."

Ok...so he realizes that his decision was... retarded, at best. Affeldt was clearly a choice most sane people would not have made. And I'm sure this has happened in the past. I would go as far as to say that he was the third best pitcher on his own team (behind Lincecum and Cain). But remember, he made a huge impact on their 88 wins. I'm sure 1/88 is huge somewhere.

But here's how the rest of the ballot went:

Pujols
Prince Fielder
Troy Tulowitski
Adrian Gonzalez
Ryan Howard
Ryan Braun
Pablo Sandoval
Hanley Ramirez
Chase Utley

So, Affeldt is more "valuable" than Tim Lincecum, Mark Reynolds, Matt Holliday, Ryan Zimmerman, David Wright, Jimmy Rollins, Chris Carpenter, Adam Wainwright, Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier, etc.

I'm not sure if you could justify that he was great at doing his job. As a final note, I'd just like to point out that this same beat writer put Bud Black third in MOY voting.

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NFL MVP Candidates: Manning, Brees, Favre and...

Ryan Liddell — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:23:34 -0500

...Brett Kern.

The leading candidates for NFL MVP are Peyton Manning, Drew Brees and Brett Favre. Each has gaudy stats. Manning and Brees have lead their respective teams to 10-0. Favre has led the Vikings to a 9-1 mark.

Yawn.

It's easy to be MVP when you get to touch the ball on almost every offensive play.

How about an MVP who is better the fewer times he touches the ball? Now that's impressive.

Brett Kern—yes, the punter—is undefeated, too. On two different teams. Neither Manning or Brees can claim that. Usually we can only speculate how good or bad a team would be without their MVP. With Kern we have proof positive.

Kern was the Broncos punter for Denver's first six games. They went 6-0. After cutting Kern, the Broncos have gone 0-4. That's what happens when you punt Mr. Lucky out of town.

Tennessee claimed Kern off waivers. At the time, they were 0-6. With Kern, the Titans are 4-0. He may have trouble controlling the direction of his kicks, but he obviously has no trouble guiding his team to victory.

Can Tennessee end up 10-6 and win the Super Bowl? The real question is: with Brett Kern punting, how can they not?

What is it about Kern that makes his team(s) impossible to beat this season? Is it his mediocre punting? The largely unseen—and therefore awesome—job he does as a place-kick holder?

There is no reasonable explanation. His Wikipedia page is incredibly sparse. The only facts I really know about him is that he went undrafted out of the University of Toledo.

With Kern, we have to suspend our need to understand, and just believe.

If Tennessee runs the table and wins the Super Bowl, how can you not give Kern the MVP?

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South Florida's Jim Leavitt Goes WWE At Halftime

Tom Edrington — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:27:55 -0500

If the day comes when Jim Leavitt doesn't want to coach the USF Bulls, he'd fit in so very nicely at the WWE.

You think Hulk Hogan's a great bleeder? You think Ric Flair's face is a crimson mask?

They've got nothing on Jimmy Leavitt.

With his team leading lowly Louisville 17-16 at halftime last Saturday and the players seemingly in need of motivation, Leavitt did what only Leavitt does.

He threw himself into the helmeted head of walk-on linebacker LaDre Watkins and opened a gash on his own nose and forehead. There was Leavitt, falling backwards and bleeding.

No doubt he then hollered and hollered some more at his guys, as Leavitt is known to do.

"He head-butted [Watkins] and fell backwards," said Bulls safety Nate Allen. "I couldn't help but laugh because that's the best one I've seen."

That's right, Leavitt's done it before and typically requires help afterwards from the team's athletic training staff.

Everyone's familiar with Leavitt's sideline antics, but perhaps he's the only D-I coach that bloodies himself with headbutts to helmeted players.

Whatever, it worked.

USF played better in the second half and manhandled the Cardinals to pick up its seventh win and gain bowl eligibility in the process.

The coach may have to pull something else out of his bag of tricks on Saturday when the Miami Hurricanes come calling.

The game is a sellout, with 67,000-plus expected at Raymond James Stadium.

Those are WWE numbers and, obviously, Leavitt is a WWE kinda guy.

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Why I'm Thankful for Sports

Nick Mordowanec — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:28:30 -0500

As the holiday approaches, it is time for us sports fans to give thanks.

It is a great time to be a sports fan, maybe the best of the entire year. We have the luxury of watching football on Saturdays and Sundays, along with basketball and hockey the rest of the week.

But along with all of the great things we have seen in sports over the past year, we have seen our share of blunders, bad calls, and mishaps-all for our entertainment.

Without further ado, let’s give our utmost appreciation to the figures in sports that
have made fans around the country cringe in pure enjoyment.

Thank you to Terrell Owens for becoming an obscure receiver in chilly Buffalo. You used to ridicule your quarterbacks Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb,Tony Romo and now you have almost put Trent Edwards into the psychiatric ward for NFL quarterbacks.

Although, now that T.O. is in a media desert in Buffalo, nobody has to hear him complain about not getting enough balls thrown to him or see him doing push-ups in Drew Rosenhaus’ driveway; the popcorn has truly lost its luster.

A wonderful thanks to Jimmy Rollins for putting your Philadelphia Phillies in a hole well

before the World Series even began. You predicted a Phillies sweep over the New York
Yankees on the Jay Leno show, even being downright classy and saying the Yanks might get one (win).

How did that turn out for you, Jimbo? Not only did you lose the Fall Classic without much of a fight, you didn’t do much yourself. This just goes to show that sports guarantees are about as old as the sports themselves.

LeBron James, you have been the turkey of the year. Not only did your Cleveland Cavaliers choke again in the playoffs, you keep bringing up your contract situation and getting upset when others mention you possibly leaving for New York or any other destination. You have Shaq in the post now, but this is not the Shaq of old. Also, great job on trying to get Michael Jordan’s number retired.

Why don’t we retire Magic and Bird’s numbers while we are at it as well? Maybe Russell and Wilt, too? LeBron, winning an MVP was a big deal, but please, just shut up and play basketball, maybe win a title or two and make us real witnesses.

A big thank you to Bill Belichick for making the gutsiest play call of the NFL season. I
guarantee any other coach would have punted on fourth and two from his team’s 28-yard line, but the man in the hoodie is of a different breed. The call didn’t pay off, kept the Colts undefeated, and made Belichick the topic of sports discussion all around the nation.

We all know that if the Patriots converted that play then he would be deemed a genius. You win some and you lose some and Belichick lost that one. You still have to appreciate going for the kill in the season’s biggest game against their biggest rival.

JaMarcus Russell, you are the pumpkin in the NFL pie. Not only were you selected first overall by the Oakland Raiders in the 2007 NFL Draft, you have not lived up to half the hype. Now, after being inconsistent for so long and not showing the skills the first pick of the draft needs to have, you have been pushed aside by the organization and placed on the bench all in favor of Bruce Gradkowski!

Yes, the bald wonder is now the starter for the once-proud Raiders, although he did lead his team to a victory over the AFC North leading Cincinnati Bengals. JaMarcus, you don't have too much to be thankful for this holiday season, that is, unless, you enjoy sitting at the end of the team bench.

Athletes are pre-madonnas, but isn't that why we love them?

They can whine, complain, moan, and destroy locker rooms, yet catching a winning touchdown or getting a timely base hit is all us fans really want out of them.

Now that is something we can be thankful for this holiday season.

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San Diego-Denver: The Bermuda Triangle of the West

Erwin Mendoza — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:23:28 -0500

Which was more spectacular last night: The San Diego Chargers on both sides of the ball, or the implosion of the Denver Broncos?

Denver, CO seems to be not the kryptonite to San Diego, but the Bermuda Triangle. For example: During the 163rd game of the 2007 MLB season, Matt Holliday and company sent the Padres home in a heartbreaking loss and into rebuilding seasons. Example No. 2: In the 2008 NFL season, the infamous Hochuli game set the tone of let down for the rest of the season. Somehow, San Diego always loses something in Denver.

I guess times are different.

Josh McDaniels' Broncos were, like Twilight backpacks, the hottest thing at the beginning of the 2009 season, starting 6-0 with their last victory on Monday night at Jack Murphy Field.

Then they entered the bye week.

I think at that point McDaniels called Norv Turner on Halloween and asked, "Who scares you more? Orton, Simms, or the ghost of John Elway?"

Now, on the verge of Thanksgiving, San Diego goes on a five game win streak, including impressive victories over the New York Giants and Philadelphia Eagles. Phillip Rivers has come into his own and Kyle Orton is turning into Jay Cutler version 2.0. Let's be honest, by trading away Cutler, the Broncos lost their only chance at taking the AFC West away from the Chargers.

Oh well.

The Chargers played an excellent all around game this week, don't get me wrong. But seeing Marshall and Moreno get into it, McDaniels mouthing off to Charger linebackers, and Jay Cutler not doing much better in Chicago all overshadow the Chargers' performance.

Maybe San Diego has brought the Bermuda Triangle to Denver now. I'll wait for the Padres to prove me wrong.

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Sacramento Kings' Beno Udrih and the Lost Art of the Mid-Range Jumpshot

Blake Mehigan — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:02:50 -0500

Beno Udrih has begun to play very well since being moved to the starting line. Udrih replaced the oft injured Kevin Martin, who fractured his wrist. Sacramento Kings announcer Jerry Reynolds has called him the Tazmanian Slovenian, referencing a spin move Udrih uses and his native country.

Udrih had struggled mightily last year. He started at point guard to the dismay of many Kings fans. People had doubted his abilities and the contract he received in the summer of 2008.

The former Spur is having a resurgence this year. Udrih has killed the opposition from mid-range. Yes, that spot inside the three-point arc, but above the free throw line.

The mid-range jumper is Muy Bueno Beno's bread and butter. That is another nickname coined by color commentator Jerry Reynolds.

The mid-range shot is a lost art. Many teams focus on attacking the hoop, in hopes of either scoring point blank or finding a player open on the wing. The mid-range jump shot is typically something not as emphasized in a teams arsenal.

Udrih has become a much more effective player this year. He can shoot from behind the arc and attack the hoop to compliment his strong mid-range game.

His seventeen foot pull up jumper makes him tough to cover. This makes Udrih a valuable asset in pick and roll/pick and pop style plays.

If he keeps up his play, Udrih will be in a Kings uniform for many years. The question is if he will start once leading scorer Kevin Martin comes back.

The answer is probably not. But he will have minutes as long as he keeps playing this well.

Et Cetra.

Sacramento was above .500 for the first time since 2006. The Kings have lost three games straight to follow. In each game the Kings have fought relentlessly but have come up short.

Coach Paul Westphal has managed to get his players to scrap and play hard every possession. Sacramento will not likely finish with a winning record, but they will prove to be a formidable opponent.

Sacramento will likely have another lottery pick and Kenny Thomas' contract will come off the books this summer. The Kings will likely look to make a big splash this summer; through the draft or via free agency. Either way, things are certainly looking up for the Sacramento Kings.

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Punching Jimmy Clausen? I Can't Believe This.

James Secoloff — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:35:16 -0500

This is more of a comment/angry rant, but I can't believe some jackass punched Jimmy Clausen if that is true.

Are you kidding me?

Look, I know the wins are not what we thought they would be, but if we need to support anyone right now, we need to support the players. Especially Jimmy Clausen, Golden Tate and Michael Floyd.

Whatever the outcome of this season, these players can make this team special, no matter who the coach is.

As people have said, there may never be a trio of Irishmen as talented as these three ever again.

I hope Irish fans agree that this fan is a piece of s***, and that we at should at least support the players in these tough times.

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Super Cereal Big East Bowl Projections: Rutgers to Meineke, Syracuse to Fiber One

Andrew Weaver — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:29:12 -0500

After another exciting weekend of Big East football, it's becoming more apparent where the conference’s top teams will be playing this holiday bowl season. For most teams, bowl eligibility has been secured. For one team, bowl-eligibility is one win away. And for a couple teams, the only bowls they will be seeing this winter are stacked in the cupboard. Good if you’re into cereal--bad if you’re into football. But, to be fair to both football bowl-bound Big East teams and cereal bowl-bound ones, let's look at some Big East Bowl Projections and cereals to go along with them.

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