Bleacher Report - Articles by Greg Rowley

Classic Golf Pranks

Greg Rowley — Fri, 08 May 2009 12:50:12 -0400

Shafted!

One hard and fast rule that I try to live by is that any chance to pull a good prank on a buddy should never be passed up.

Fortunately, there are usually a few golden opportunities prior to teeing off. These are tried-and-true golf pranks guaranteed to get a laugh.

I’ll issue a word of caution: these ideas should be reserved for very close friends: not your boss, and certainly not your host or someone who’s paid for your round.

If you’re straddling the fence of appropriateness, it’s probably best to err on the side of caution.

However, if you’ve been the subject of a prior prank or you know the target well enough, then the gloves are off!

Here’s how to give your friend(s) a real kick in the crotch when they least expect it.

Turn Key

This is an easy one. After your playing partners have met you at the range or the first tee (and have already operated their cart), just turn their key to the ‘off’ position. It will take them a while to figure out why the cart isn’t working. Repeat.

Bag Strapped

Either at the practice range or near the first tee, simply loosen the vinyl strap that holds a player’s bag to the back of a cart. When the cart lurches forward, the clubs will fall off the back.

Yeah, I know, it might damage the equipment, but it’s hilarious. The player whose gear falls off gets embarrassed because it’s loud and they’ll think it was their fault.

Do this repeatedly throughout the round until the sucker catches on. Eventually, they will.

Loud Speaker

If a player in your group has an embarrassing nickname or is sensitive about a common mispronunciation of their name, give the person in the Golf Shop a buck or two to announce your group to the first tee using the nickname.

Sand Bagged

This is an adaptation of the age-old salt shaker gag. At a course that has sand-n-seed containers on each cart, simply unscrew the tops so that when the container is picked up the contents will spill everywhere. Childish, I know, but funny.

Dead Weight

If you’re walking, try to sneak something heavy into the bottom of your playing partner’s golf bag. Maybe a five-pound weight, a handful of rocks, a sand-n-seed bottle, seven beers or a human head. Whatever you can find.

The Driver/Putter Switch-a-Roo

Take your buddy’s brand-new $900 Super-Duper-El Guapo driver out of his bag and hide it in yours, then replace it with an old beat-up persimmon from the lost-and-found barrel in the cart barn.

Be sure to put the Super-Duper-El Guapo headcover back on the replacement. When it’s unsheathed, your victim’s heart will stop for as long as you can keep a straight face. This can also be done with a putter, or better yet, both.

Getting the Shaft

This is the classic golf prank. Before you leave the course, take all the clubs out of your target’s golf bag and replace them upside down – clubhead end first.

Stuff as many as possible into the smallest opening and give each a twist. It’s nearly impossible to pull the clubs out because they get so tangled. Hee-hee.

Pink Balls

Remove all regular golf balls from your male buddy’s bag and replace them with pink ones. Hopefully, he won’t discover the gag until just before he’s teeing off in a semi-serious tournament.

Or even better, just before he’s teeing off in a semi-serious tournament with a shotgun start and he’s as far away from the clubhouse as geographically possible. Now that’s good humor.

Laura Davies

One time I cut out a magazine picture of LPGA legend Laura Davies (about the same size as the top of my co-worker’s driver) and made copies.

Whenever possible, I taped it to the top of his club so when he removed the headcover she was staring up at him. Use thick, super-adhesive, packing tape so it doesn’t come off very easily.

Your Mother

Here’s an advanced twist to Laura Davies. Tape a picture of your buddy’s mom (or wife) to your own club. Then act surprised and blame somebody else.

“Wow! Who taped this picture of my prom date to my driver?!! Not funny guys...”

Where’s the Beef?

At the end of the day, offer to load the clubs into your rig for the ride home. Slip a tightly wrapped package of raw hamburger (or old shrimp shells, or something equally smelly) into your target’s bag. If you’re lucky, he won’t find it before he can smell it.

An advanced maneuver is to prepare two smelly payloads. Hide one in the main pocket where it will be obviously found after a cursory search.

Then hide the ninja package where it won’t be discovered. They’ll find the first one, quit looking, and just blame it for the ‘lingering’ stench.

PGA Tour Vs. UFC: Press Release, Groundbreaking PPV Event!

Greg Rowley — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 12:37:24 -0400

Commissioners Tim Finchem and Dana White announce "groundbreaking" PPV event!

It’s a stroke of genius, really.

PGA Tour and UFC officials made the startling announcement early Monday morning that following this week’s Masters Tournament various professional golfers will square off against the UFC title holders in an unimaginable team cage fighting competition.

As it will be a sanctioned event, the title at each weight class will officially be up for grabs.

Both commissioners, Tim Finchem (PGA) and Dana White (UFC), released a joint statement that provides some insight: “We’re thrilled for the opportunity to combine our sports for this groundbreaking event.

"This has the potential to introduce each of our respective sports to an entirely new fan base. The PGA vs. UFC will be the greatest PPV event in television history.”

They have a point. Although the game of golf boasts a fan base of some 61 million people, the PGA Tour itself has very little opportunity to reap the dividends available to other sports via pay per view sales.

This event will certainly satisfy that ever-increasing demand, while exposing millions of new viewers to MMA.

“I doubt very many people will pay extra to watch golf on TV, and I doubt very many people will tune in to watch cage fighters play golf. This is the best of both worlds, and a fantastic opportunity to partner with the juggernaut UFC.”

Finchem further added, “I think my boys will surprise the MMA world. This isn’t a cash grab. I expect some very competitive fights.”

We’ll see.

Commentators for the event, officially billed as “UFC 97: From the Course to the Cage,” will be Johnny Miller and Joe Rogan. Surprisingly, each is proficient in the others’ sport.

Rogan is a scratch golfer and Miller trains with former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Tito Ortiz during the off-season in Huntington Beach, CA, where he’s known as “The Silverback.”

To make things more interesting, in a UFC first, Miller will use a telestrator to help describe the action for the novice fight viewer.

Here’s a preliminary breakdown of each title fight, by weight class...

Heavyweight Division (205 lbs – 265 lbs)

Brock Lesnar (265 lbs.) vs. “Long” John Daly (220 lbs.)

This is an interesting contrast in styles. Lesnar is a phenomenal athlete, a rare combination of strength, size and speed. He’s a decorated collegiate wrestler, a former professional wrestler, and former Minnesota Viking from the NFL. Daly isn’t any of those things.

But he was the first PGA Tour player to volunteer to fight, so he got the nod.

Daly has a Tank Abbott like appeal with the fans, almost a cult-like following. And like Tank, if he lands a punch or two in the opening moments, he’s got a chance. Otherwise, he’ll gas-out quickly. I wonder if there will be a beverage cart on hand?

My prediction: In typical Daly fashion, I predict he’ll be swinging for the fence, so you’ve got to give him a punchers chance. I mean honestly, he’s won two Majors that way.

But at the end of the day, Lesnar’s sheer size and brute force will make it tough for Daly to land anything damaging enough to slow him down. The undersized Daly will go down hard, but at least he’ll go down swinging.

Heavyweight undercard –

Frank Mir vs. Tim “Lumpy” Herron

Light Heavyweight Division (185 lbs. – 205 lbs.)

Rashad “Sugar” Evans (205 lbs) vs. Phil “Lefty” Mickelson (200 lbs.)

With both of these fighters we’ve come to expect the unexpected. Exhibit one: Evans’ devastating KO of Chuck Liddell followed up by a TKO victory over then title-holder Forrest Griffin.

Exhibit two: Phil’s shocking 72nd-hole collapse at the 2007 US Open and his ‘credit card’ vertical leap demonstrated at the 2005 Masters.

Who knew he could jump so high?

Evans has an extensive wrestling background, phenomenal speed, and an ever-improving stand up game. Phil is a pretty stand-up guy, and he’s been wrestling with the title of “best player on the planet not named Tiger” for a decade or so. Anything could happen.

My prediction: A Liddell-esque massacre. Phil will go down in a heap of sunscreen and winged hair-early first round. But he’ll collect himself to deliver a very gracious and eloquent post-fight presser.

Light Heavyweight undercard –

“The Dean of Mean” Keith Jardine vs. Stewart “Kitchen” Cink

Middleweight Division (170 lbs. – 185 lbs.) – MAIN EVENT

Anderson “The Spider” Silva (185 lbs.) vs. Eldrick “Tiger” Woods (185 lbs.)

It’s said that you’re not truly a UFC champion until you defend your title. Well, no fighter in MMA history has successfully defended his belt more times than Silva. For him, a win over Tiger would be his seventh.

Tiger knows something about defending titles, too. Of his 66 PGA Tour victories, nearly a dozen of them have come by winning the same event in back to back years. In addition to that, he’s won six different events four times each.

Unbelievably, the early line in Las Vegas has Tiger Woods favored here.

This is a dream matchup. Silva and Woods are the most exciting and well rounded athletes, pound for pound, in each of their respective sports and perhaps the world, right now. This fight is definitely deserving of its’ “Main Event” billing.

My prediction: I said a couple weeks ago that Tiger would win on the PGA Tour before the Masters. So far, so good. I’m staying with the hot hand and predicting another Tiger victory.

Silva’s Muay Thai clinch and knee barrage will do some damage. He might even win a round or two. But in the end, banged, bruised, bloodied, adorned in his soon-to-be-famous Sunday-red wrestling singlet and with Stevey Williams in his corner, Eldrick, er, Tiger, will emerge as the victor.

History has proven you just don’t bet against him – not when all eyes are on him.

How’s this sound? Tiger Woods: Masters Champion and UFC Middleweight Champion. Not bad for a weeks’ work.

Middleweight undercard –

Chris “The Crippler” Leben vs. Geoff “Killa G” Ogilvy

Welterweight Division (155 lbs. – 170 lbs.)

Georges “Rush” St-Pierre (170 lbs.) vs. Sergio “El Nino” Garcia (165 lbs.)

This might be the sexiest match-up on the card, and certainly, the fight with the greatest international flair, pitting the French-born Canadian St-Pierre versus the Spaniard Garcia. All the women in the building will likely be frenetic.

Both men have the unique quality of being that guy. Although they’re great, they’re also strangely annoying to the rest of the competitors in their chosen sport.

Maybe it’s because of Sergio’s Ryder Cup dominance against the U.S. that we don’t like him. Maybe it’s because St-Pierre pummeled every fight fan’s favorite welterweight, Matt Hughes – or maybe simply because he’s French.

Maybe it’s just their nasally voices. Who knows? But each guy is as disliked by his peers as he is adored by the ladies.

My prediction: Lots of action! Lots of take downs, superman punches and flying knees. Some amazing submission attempts, and even more amazing escapes. El Nino will catch Rush in several arm-bar situations, but his inability to hold a firm grip will allow St-Pierre to repeatedly escape.

Shades of the Bethpage “re-gripping incident” perhaps.

In the end, a five round thriller. But strangely, neither player will have a bump or bruise. We’ll wonder if they even hit each other, or if it was all for show? The decision: a draw.

Welterweight undercard –

Jon Fitch vs. Camillo “Spiderman” Villegas

Lightweight Division (145 lbs. – 155 lbs.)

BJ “The Prodigy” Penn (155 lbs.) vs.Corey “The Bull Dog” Pavin (150 lbs.)

This could be a pillow fight. Neither of these guys hit hard enough to put the other away. It’s evolution, really...

As the athletes on the PGA Tour have gotten bigger and stronger, and the recent advancements in club and ball technology have made the average length of a player’s drive nearly 300 yards, it’s made it increasingly difficult for the shorter hitters and older players to compete.

Pavin was once the most feared player on the planet – known for his grit, tenacity and shot-making. Unfortunately that style of play doesn’t translate to tour success in this day and age.

Similarly, the UFC started out as a no-weight class free for all. But as the athletes got bigger and fighting styles became more specialized, weight classes became necessary.

Royce Gracie held his own with the big guys for awhile—but when the brutes learned to defend submission attempts the sport was forever changed.

Penn is considered to be one of, if not the, most skilled Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu submission specialists in the game. The truth, however, was recently exposed when he stepped up a weight class and was completely and totally inept to compete against the larger and more athletic Georges St-Pierre.

He just wasn’t big enough to inflict any damage or defend himself.

My prediction: What these guys lack in size, they both make up for in spirit. I predict an intense battle, but ultimately, a dominating performance by Penn.

But unlike what Penn did against St-Pierre, The Bulldog will manage to stave off elimination and pull out a miracle fifth-round, last second submission – reminiscent of the famous five-wood at Shinnecock in 1995. That’s right, Pavin over Penn. You heard it here first.

Lightweight undercard –

Joe “Daddy” Stevenson vs. Charles “Charlie Three Sticks” Howell III

I, for one, can’t wait, and have already ordered the event. $55.95 to witness history in high definition seems like a very small price to pay. In fact, I’ll be collecting money for this event on behalf of both organizations. You can send your check or money order directly to me.

I hope you, too, will join me in cheering on the underdog golfers. I think a few of them have a fighting chance.

PGA Tour: Flying High Under the Radar

Greg Rowley — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 15:27:58 -0400

I know it's March Madness week, and like most of the sports world, my attention is primarily focused on filling out the perfect bracket. I’m particularly stuck on Clemson vs. Michigan. You?

I do, however, have a couple thoughts on an interesting trend I’ve uncovered that leaves me puzzled as to why a few lesser-known players are realizing some significant success on the PGA Tour thus far this year.

The truth is I’m not a stats junkie. But a random rifling through the customary stats columns the other day revealed to me that for a few players, all conventional wisdom is out the window, and they’re making a killing so far by wildly killing it off the tee.

The fact that hitting it a long ways helps is not new news. In fact, killing it off the tee is something that John Daly figured out a long time ago. It’s just easier to hit a wedge out of the rough than it is to hit a four iron from the fairway.

That being said, there’s always been some degree of control required to take full advantage of extraordinary length. Especially when the PGA Tour approaches the heart of its season, and the rough gets more ragged and the greens become roller coasters.

But for now anyway, there are a few guys who are raking it in despite the fact that they’re collectively only hitting a logic-defying 50 percent of the fairways. As a group, they’re steadily ascending to the top of the tour money list by missing fairways and making buckets-full of birdies nonetheless.

Nick Watney

Currently, he’s made six of six cuts. He won the Buick and finished runner-up last week at Doral, all to the tune of just under $2 million in earnings so far. That's good enough to put him third on the money list. Not bad for six-week’s work.

His stats are what I find particularly interesting. He’s seventh in driving distance, averaging 303.4 yards, a dismal 142nd in driving accuracy, only hitting 57.4 percent of the fairways, and 10th in birdies per round with 4.54 per round.

He’s barely hitting half of the fairways but still making birdie on nearly every third hole. You’ll see this pattern continue…

Of this group, he’s probably received the most airtime so far. So his face might be sort-of recognizable. A couple more months at this clip and it will be time to add his name to the ever increasing list of ‘young guns’—McIlroy, Villegas, Garcia, Kim, etc.

Dustin Johnson

Who? Yeah, I’d never heard of him either. Even after his win at Pebble Beach earlier this year. Honestly, after the final round was rained out, I had to double check the article I read the following morning to confirm that he hadn’t won a Nationwide event.

Thus far, he’s made seven of eight cuts, and sits fifth on the money list with $1.6 million.

His stats are similar to Watney’s. He’s ninth in driving distance, averaging 301.3 yards, 170th in driving accuracy, hitting the fairway only 53.7 percent of the time, and, unbelievably, first in birdies per round with 4.75.

If he had only made one cut or two, I could see how this is possible. But he’s now played in eight full-field events.

It’s almost like Davidson in the NCAA tourney last year. He’s off to an exceptionally hot start, shooting threes and making birdies, but I have a feeling that as we get closer to the majors, he’ll fall off the pace. The competition and courses get tougher, just like the teams from the power conferences get better the deeper you advance in the bracket. Will this Cinderella keep his slipper? I say no chance.

Charley Hoffman

If nothing else, at least he’s recognizable. And, according to him anyway, it’s not a mullet. Charley, really?

So far, he’s made six of six cuts, has two top-10s, and has earned $1.1 million. All good enough for 11th place on the money list.

He’s 13th in driving distance at 298.3 yards, 118th in driving accuracy, hitting the group-best mark of 59.2 percent of the fairways, and tied for fourth on tour in birdies per round with 4.70.

Hoffman’s name occasionally surfaces under the heading of "players to watch." Then, almost as quickly as it comes up, it disappears again. Perhaps this is the year that he’ll sustain a hot start and keep his name in the President’s Cup conversation. We’ll see…

Scott Piercy

Although he’s only 34th on the money list with nearly $600,000 in earnings so far, I’m including Piercy in this group. Through the first eight weeks of this tour season, he’s made five of six cuts, has two top-10s, and has seemingly cemented his place on the big tour.

Check out his stats. He’s fifth in driving distance, bombing it an average of 305.9 yards per swipe, a wretched 187th in driving accuracy, finding the fairway only 50.3 percent of the time, and tied with Hoffman for fourth in birdies per round, with 4.70.

How’s that possible? He literally finds the fairway half of the time, yet he’s still carding nearly five birdies a round. Again, if he’s only played in one or two events, I could see how this can happen. But he’s made five cuts already. I just don’t believe that this will sustain.

Piercy is a name that many insiders have known for quite some time. He’s a very talented player and Las Vegas cash-game legend who kicked around the mini-tours for years. It seems that he’s put his demons to rest and has his game in check.

I’m definitely interested to see how he plays in the coming weeks. He could win one of these days, or we might never hear from him again. Guys like him are on a razor’s edge. My only hope is that if/when he falls, it’s one way or the other—not straight down, straddle-style.

All four of these guys are defying logic. Never before has driving the ball accurately seemed to be less important. It will be interesting to see if they stay under the radar and slowly get swallowed by the oncoming pack, or if they’ll have what it takes to keep making birdies and stay ahead of the game.

Either way, I’m really curious to see how they each do at Bethpage in June. My prediction—not well. The stats don’t lie.

Caddies in the Mist

Greg Rowley — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 14:55:12 -0400

I’ve spent a lot of time with caddies. Some of my best friends are caddies, and I used to manage the program at both The Quarry and at Black Rock. Although not a caddie myself, I feel like Dian Fossey studying the gorillas.

I’ve been accepted into their culture and have seen things that few outsiders could ever experience. A recent trip to Palm Springs gave me a chance to re-connect with some of my caddie friends, and it was an interesting look into this strange subculture.

We’ll call it Caddies in the Mist…

Feb. 13, 2009: I arrived in Palm Springs and was met at the outpost by Sonny, an average specimen of the species. Approximately one in four of all caddies appear to be left-handed Canadians, and Sonny is no exception.

These strange migratory creatures follow the geese south every winter to warmer climates, driving their cars in regimented lines, taking turns being the leader and honking “Eh, eh…” on their journey south.

The Spring Caddie Run as they all return north with their pockets flush with cash, can leave a swath of destruction like that left by stampeding herds of buffalo in the wild west days.

We spent the evening with Sonny and his companions at a local ‘watering hole’. It was interesting to note their unsuccessful attempts to attract females. I have learned that in the caddie culture there are definitely two classes of males.

The ‘alpha’ males are those who caddie for PGA Tour players, or have one or two very wealthy clients. They are able to purchase nice cars with their earnings, and generally attract the majority of the females.

The ‘beta’ males eke out a living playing with whomever they can get a game or ‘loop’ with. They generally don’t purchase cars; they live in them.

These secondary citizens, or Mr. Betas, do not receive much interest from the ladies, but they generally seem very content and relaxed. Perhaps some local flora that is a part of their diet induces a calming effect? We retired early for the night and prepared to resume our hunt in the morning.

Feb. 14, 2009: We arrived at the agreed upon rendezvous and began our preparations for the day’s activity. Although we intended to partake of the local sport, a strange custom called ‘golf’—it was also an opportunity to observe the ‘loopers’ in their natural habitat, toiling for their daily sustenance.

As we observed the caddies with their groups, we found that these hard-working beasts provided a great deal of assistance to the players. They seemed to be doing many of the chores involved in the game and dispensing advice and wisdom.

This allowed the players to more thoroughly enjoy themselves.

After a great deal of study, I believe that I have finally begun to understand the communications patterns of these majestic creatures. It’s important to remember that a large percentage of the things that come out of a caddies mouth are complete nonsense.

This may be a defensive strategy, or a way to confuse their prey. However, occasionally your caddie might need to deliver bad news. It helps to be able to quickly sift through the subterfuge customary to caddie-speak and decipher the true meaning of the message being sent.

Here are some examples.

Caddie: “Oh shucks! I’m not sure, but it looked to me like the ball just didn’t spin. I thought you caught it clean. Did you? I’m afraid it may have scooted past the flag, and might have even gone near that sneaky bunker back there.”

Translation: Grab a wedge. You skulled it into the trash, eh.

Caddie: “Nice drive. It started right-center and was cutting.”

Translation: You fanned it, hack. Way right. Off the map even. I’ll be lucky to find it. If I’m not back in five minutes, send a search party.

Caddie: “Swing smooth. Think tempo. Make a good pass at it here.”

Translation: Control yourself, man! Slow down. The only thing that didn’t move during that last swing was your bowels, and even that’s questionable.

Caddie: “This hole tends to play long for some reason. Why don’t you take two extra clubs and make sure to get it there?”

Translation: You’ve been short all day, and obviously don’t hit it as far as you think. Let’s try a new strategy, eh.

Caddie: “Oooaahh, nice putt. It looked good the whole way. That’s my fault for the bad read. You gave it a good run, though. Good on ya.”

Translation: Textbook jab. It never had a chance. You missed the mark I gave you by three feet, and it was only a five-foot putt. How’s that possible?

Caddie: “Here it is! Found it. A pretty clean lie, too. You were playing a Titleist 2, right?”
Translation: I found a Titleist 2 and kicked it out into the clear. I know it’s not yours, but if you wanna claim that it was, I’ll go along with it...wink, wink.

After the round, we returned to the caddie’s humble den for a night of ritual games involving cards and/or dice. Much can be learned by observing the habitat of any creature—the large screen TV endlessly showing a sport called ‘hockey’ (played on ice with sticks, frankly it was incomprehensible to any civilized being) belies the otherwise shabby furniture and general squalor.

These hunter-gatherers appear to have an innate desire to horde as the vast quantity of liquids stored up appears to signal the knowledge of an eventual drought. The endless search for female companionship continues.

This can often be a difficult search, as the female caddie is a very rare and beautiful creature indeed. If it was not for the caddie’s ability to cross-breed with other species, I would fear for their eventual extinction.

Feb. 15, 2009: After a late start, we made one last ‘loop’ in this exotic locale. I returned to civilization with my heart heavy. The carefree, joyful life of these delightful creatures has an appeal that cannot be denied as I return to my home and my office.

I can only hope that I receive a visit from these magnificent beasts as they thunder by in the spring.

Welcome Back, Tiger

Greg Rowley — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 17:15:22 -0500

In case you haven’t heard, Tiger Woods is back. And another thing you maybe didn’t know, he’s pretty good.

In case you’ve been living in a cave, let’s bring you up to speed. The last time we heard from Mr. Woods, pre-blown knee, he had just won the U.S. Open in an epic 19-hole extra day then sudden death playoff against everyman Rocco Mediate. That made 14 Major titles at the age of 32.

He called that one his greatest victory ever, which it might have been, considering the injury he played through. Although, I think you could make a very strong argument for his U.S. Open win in 2000 at Pebble Beach, where he finished a record 12 strokes under par and won by 15.

The last one was definitely full of more final round back nine heroics and clutch putts than any of the others. How lucky we are to serve witness right now, while Tiger is in his prime. What a privilege. And if you’re anything like me, you can tune back in now that he’s back.

At this point, there isn’t a comparable historical point of reference, which makes his brilliance difficult to quantify. I know that Jack was great—no disrespect. But I wasn’t alive in his prime, so it doesn’t resonate with me. I know that Arnie, Hogan, Byron and Slammin’ Sammy were pretty darn good, too. But they’re like characters you read about in storybooks. They played in black and white, in the days of horseracing and prize fighting, with a following of only a few, relatively speaking.

Tiger plays in high-def prime time, in the days of NFL, PPV, and MMA, with millions upon millions watching his every swing. No one has ever been as good at playing this game—it’s simply undeniable.

This isn’t me dropping Bill Walton-esque superlatives either. “That was the greatest bounce pass in the history of the NBA…”

He is better than everyone else. Period. He’s better mentally and physically. I bet he could play any sport at its highest level. He just chose golf (or did golf choose him?).

In fact, while at Stanford, the strength and conditioning coach said that he was the strongest athlete, pound for pound, to ever attend the school. It’s time to move from calling him the greatest golfer to ever live, to calling him the greatest athlete to ever live. If not now, then soon. Just watch.

The thing that made last year’s U.S. Open victory so impressive is that he won hurt. Really hurt. Willis Reed hurt. Those of us who know the golf swing weren’t surprised by his knee problems. Honestly, I predicted it several years ago. It was either his knee or his hip—or maybe some day soon, both.

I also think that there will be many more professional players that eventually suffer the same malady, as they’ve patterned their swings after his. But then again, I doubt anyone hits as many practice balls as he does.

For him to repeatedly (including those 19 extra playoff holes), fearlessly, and violently snap his wounded left leg straight on every swing that week was a testament to his tenacity and mental toughness. He just wanted to win worse than the pain, and made a decision to pay the price, no matter the cost. Sorry Rocco.

It’s one thing to play hurt in a constant-motion sport, like soccer, basketball, and football. It’s another when you initiate motion from a static position, as in golf and baseball (pitching).

In both, the player starts from a stand-still, twists their body into a painful position to create torque, then violently releases that energy towards a distant target. But I’m sorry, bloody sock notwithstanding, how many injured pitchers are willing (or permitted) to throw their hardest pitches, time after time, for five days in a row, five hours each day, knowing that they will repeatedly cause immediate and severe pain without flinching, relenting, or worrying about ending their career?

Tiger Woods has mastered a game that was previously thought to be unmasterable. That’s what makes it so addicting to the rest of us. It’s in our DNA.

An intermittent reinforcement schedule forms the most lasting patterns of behavior, which, in golf, conditions us to come back again and again. Proficiency is here one day, gone the next. Actually, here one hole, one swing, one moment, then gone the next.

We don’t know when we’ll receive the next reward—so we keep practicing, keep playing, keep taking lessons, and keep buying new gear to hopefully get that next elusive Pavlovian slobber fix.

I read somewhere that based on his scores and the severity of the courses of all the Majors that he has competed in during his career thus far, that his handicap index, if he kept one, would be a +14. That means for me to compete fairly against him heads-up at the local muni, he has to give me one stroke on each of the 14 most difficult holes—and I’m a scratch!

The only thing that’s ever going to slow Tiger down is Tiger. He’s either going to get too hurt or too bored. Certainly neither will happen until every important record has his name on it. My only hope is that Tiger doesn’t get bored anytime soon. Not because I don’t want to see him in a baseball uniform—like another red jersey wearing transcendent super-athlete who got bored with a sport once it became easy, and made those whom he played against look silly (although, I bet Tiger’s batting average would be higher than MJ’s.)

I don’t want to see him get bored because I’m selfish. I love watching him too much. When he tees it up, it’s Keats with a pen, Beethoven on the piano, or Michaelangelo with a brush. It’s classic, timeless perfection—and his body of work will stand up to be studied and admired for generations.

Golf: It's a Family Affair

Greg Rowley — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 13:57:51 -0500

A conversation with my playing partners during a recent Pro-Am revealed some interesting similarities in the way we all view the relationships we share with our golf clubs. It got me thinking. If our golf clubs are a family, then what stereotypical family member roles most accurately describe each club? Here’s what I think:

It all starts at the top with the Driver. The Big Dog. Chief. It’s the Dad of the bag. The head of your golf-gear household. When Driver is happy, productive and in command, everyone else seems to work together more harmoniously.

But when Driver is cranky, hungry, over-worked or stubborn, then watch out – it’s likely going to be a really long day. You might even get smacked upside the head a time or two. In some extreme cases, you can make do without a Driver/Dad – it just puts more pressure on the rest of the family.

The truth is that at the core of the game, at golf’s most basic level, enjoyment is derived from hitting the snot out of the ball. Perhaps it’s an innate reminder of our hunter/gatherer days, and the ball in flight is reminiscent of a stick or stone on its way to bringing down our next meal. Maybe it’s the human desire to fly. Maybe it’s just so much fun to hit something farther than we can throw it. Who knows?

I do know this. I’d much rather pummel the ball off the tee for eighteen holes, miss a few greens, putt like a hack, and shoot a mediocre score, maybe a few strokes over par, than I would rather scrape, clank and fight with driver all day and grind like a gear-shifter around the greens to salvage a decent score of even par or better. Golf is simply just more enjoyable when Dad’s happy and I hit the Driver well, regardless of my final score.

The long and short of the golf family is this, if Driver is the Dad, then your wedges are the Mother. Mommy Wedges is the glue that holds everything together. She’s calm, consistent and dependable – a soft place to land after a missed shot or a long day.

She cleans up our messes, keeps things tidy, and maybe most importantly, puts food on the table. (Any professional golfer will tell you that their money is made from 100 yards and in.) Mommy Wedges can be boring at times, but that’s just the way we like her, no, rely on her, to be.

Have you ever noticed that your Wedges and Putter don’t always get along? That’s because the Putter is like a Girlfriend, and she’ll never finish things exactly the way you’re your Mom wants her to. The Putter is the girl you’ve been dating for years and years, but just can’t make a long-term commitment to.

You can date her, you might even love her (for awhile), and you’ll take her proudly on your arm to even the most important public appearance, but if she gets a little crazy from time to time, or three-putts the eighteenth green in an important money-match, you can leave her in an instant. No regrets.

Sometimes the only way to get your Putter to work harder is to make her jealous. If you’re committed, you’d be considered a cheat. And you’re not a cheat. You might get an itch to look for something new – at the bar down the street, or on the rack at the local golf shop.

Go ahead, scratch it. There’s no need to feel guilty. Take a New Putter off the rack. Hold her in your calloused hands. Feel her grip. Take her on a date. Maybe to the putting green. Maybe to the course. Buy her a drink. Whisper in her ear. Dance with her. See if she’s easier to line up than what you’re used to. See if you can scoop up a ball off the ground with the back of her blade more easily than with your Current Putter.

Once you can convince your Current Putter that you’re honestly considering another, she just might start making more putts for you. If not, then the break-up can be made official by simply stripping off the New Putter’s… price tag.

Keep your Old Putter’s number in the little black book though. She’ll likely be back again some day – because over time, the grass is rarely greener. After all, you did bring you with you into this new relationship. What did you expect? Who knows, someday you might run into your Old Putter in the dusty corner of the garage, your locker or the trunk, and remember how much fun she was to stroke in the first place.

Your 3-Wood is like your goofy, crazy, fun Uncle. Everybody loves it when he’s hanging around. He’s fairly reliable, especially when he’s on. But when he’s bad, he’s rotten. Just watch a Raiders game with him, or get a few too many drinks in him, or both, and like his political views, it doesn’t take long for things to go left. Hard left. Hooked through the trees, out of bounds, over the fence, off the neighbor’s roof and into the pool, left.

Sometimes when he’s bad it’s the topped-roller, the thinned-bullet, or the dreaded fat-stab. But usually, just like every good player I know, when Crazy Uncle 3-Wood comes to town, you have to fear a hook.

This makes 5-Wood like your favorite Aunt. Everybody loves to hit their Auntie 5-Wood. She’s easy, fearless, flies high, lands soft, and does so with remarkable consistency every time. Just not everybody makes the decision to carry one. I don’t know why. It’s just not cool, or masculine, I guess. She’s into art, not sports.

Sure, Auntie 5-Wood might forget to shave her legs or wear a little too much jewelry, perfume and lipstick. She might even slide off to the side of the house when no one is looking and sneak a little smoke. You can smell it on her breath and hear it in her voice. But at the end of the day, she’s by far the most laid back and easiest going member of the bunch. She’s everyone’s favorite club, but not everyone likes to admit it.

The Long Irons (3-6 irons) are like your Big Brother. Not the Little-Big Brother who’s only a year or two older than you, because in a scrap you might be able to give him a good fight. I mean the Big-Big Brother who’s several years older than you. He was off to college while you were still in braces.

You learned most of the facts of life from eavesdropping on his phone calls. He’s tough on you. He’ll hold you down and put a hurt on you in a second. But somehow, he’s tough in a way that you really like, because some attention, even if it hurts, is better than none.

Similarly, the Long Irons will beat you up from time to time. But when they’re good, they’re oh so sweet. It’s this knowledge that creates respect. Respect and fear. It’s not uncommon for the Long Irons hurt your game more than they help.

But you have to hit them. They’re unavoidable – like on a long par three. You’ll look like a sissy if you feather a 5-Wood. The shot calls for 3-Iron, and that’s what you’ve got to hit or you’ll look weak. At least go down swinging – just like with Big Bro. You’ll earn more respect if you fight back by knocking it stiff from 235 yards. Land at least one shot he’ll remember. When you do, it makes all the wedgies, noogies, finger pokes in the sternum, and scissor leg-locks worthwhile.

Finally, the group that seems to get the least attention, your Scoring Clubs (7 Iron-PW), are not surprisingly reminiscent of another oft neglected, yet lovable member of the clan, the Family Dog.

The Family Dog is loyal. He can usually be found on the front porch, happy to see you at the end of a long day, no matter what you’ve done and no matter how long it’s been since you’ve given him your full attention. There he is, tail wagging, right at your heels. Go on, take him for a walk, or to the practice range. Play fetch. Scratch him behind the ear. Give him a bath. No one likes a smelly dog, or a dirty club. Every now and then, take him to the vet or give him a thorough grooming.

In the case of your Scoring Clubs, consider a proper grooming to be replacing his old worn-out grips, or at least, observe the age-old golf trip tradition of cleaning his grips with a hot, wet, white hotel towel. (Keep the towel, of course.)

Like a Dog on a leash, you need to know exactly how far each of the Scoring Clubs can go. This is critical information, and by far the most important variable of the equation. If unchecked, your Scoring Clubs might even try to dig a hole or jump the fence to escape the yard. Hence the term ‘unleashed’ is often used to describe a ball that’s pounded to a distance beyond what was expected.

With the Scoring Clubs, you simply can’t afford to let that happen. It’s with them that birdies are made (although Driver and Putter tend to take all the credit), and to do so more frequently, he must be kept on a tight leash – and you must consistently hit the ball to pin-high.

As you can clearly see, golf is a family affair, and paying special attention to the unique relationships that you have with each club can reap immediate and long term rewards. Once you’ve identified the characters at the table, or in the bag, you can work to nurture those relationships and build a better game.

Golf, Naked vs. Golf Nude

Greg Rowley — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 12:00:51 -0500

I received an interesting comment to my post about “What is Golf, Naked?” from a Naturalist who seemed offended that I might suggest that people shouldn’t be golfing au naturel.

Obviously the title of the book was intended to be a bit of a joke, and frankly was a stroke of marketing genius. It’s eye-catching, that’s for sure. In fact, the book was completely written - and it still didn’t have a title that my team and I were happy with. We had a working title of “The Unwritten Rules of Golf - In Writing“, but I really didn’t want to give the impression that it was another rehash of the Rules, or that anything about the game should be that rigid. In fact, this is an area that my naturalist friend, Tom and I share the same philosphy - life, and golf, should be about having fun and doing what makes you feel comfortable.

So there I was, days away from sending the book to press without a title. I was visiting my physical therapist (who is a also a good friend) and we were talking about this ‘little’ problem. As he was walking away he looked over his shoulder and said, “To heck with it, golf naked…” I felt like I’d been struck by lightning. It was perfect. I called a few people and they all agreed. The more we started re-reading the book with the new title in mind, the better it got. I didn’t have to re-write a single word to make it match the concept of Golf, Naked. It completely sums up the idea that people feel exposed on the course, that golf can truly reveal the inner character of the player, and that when you strip away all of the conventions and other things surrounding the game - at it’s core it’s about having fun with people you enjoy.

At every book signing or appearance I make, I always hear the same joke dozens of times “I don’t think you want to see me golfing naked.” My response is usually a laugh and the comment that “Golf Naked is a philosophy, not a recommendation.” However, the more I think about it, it is a recommendation. Strip yourself and the game bare, and really get down to it. Have fun, without worrying about what other people think. Be comfortable with yourself and your game.

Tom, Golf Naked and Golf Nude are two different things. I have absolutely no problem with either. In fact, I would love to bring Golf, Naked to a Golf Nude event (I assume there are such things) for a signing and a great experience.