Bleacher Report - Articles by Ernest Wilkins

THROWDOWN: Is The NFL Preseason Neccessary? (Week One)

Ernest Wilkins — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 21:53:46 -0400

The Sports Debate.

A tradition old as the game itself. Whether it be at a bar, basement, or boardroom, guys have been arguing about sports forever.

In the spirit of these arguments, my best bud Hank Bausch and I have decided to sit down, enjoy a few beers, and have it out every week on a sports-related topic for the enjoyment of YOU, our superstar readers. We hope you enjoy. This is THROWDOWN!

This week: The NFL Preseason: Is it necessary?

Ernest: It's funny, Week one and I'm already getting a fastball down the middle!. What a no-brainer! The NFL Preseason is BEYOND necessary!

Hank: (The preseason is) Pointless, like most of your thoughts. The preseason is a chance for Jeff Fisher to do fake punt plays and that’s it.

E: Well said, but here's my opening salvo:

Because of the madness that is free-agency and the influx of new talent via the draft, having these games is a must for the new guys to learn the system and gel as a team. The rookies get to see life at NFL speed, and the vets get to learn how their new teammates run things in actual situations.

H: Isn’t that what practice is for? That’s right, I’m talking bout practice (Iverson, take note before you ruin another teams championship run).

E: Low blow! Look, It's one thing to be blitzed by the scout team's Ray Lewis, but a whole 'nother when the real one is barreling at you. Another thing: The NFL offseason is like 2 years long!

H: Also, If the preseason is for the “gelling of a team,” why not play only one quarter games because that’s all the starters play.

E: The vets need this time to get back into game shape. Half of them barely practice in camp, so these games give them an opportunity to get to work and build confidence by knocking around 5th-round picks for a few quarters.

H: Alright, I cant argue against watching big names smash small names. It’s almost as much fun as watching Reggie Bush getting hit by Sheldon Brown, or Sean Taylor punishing a punter during the Pro Bowl (also pointless but that’s a whole 'nother argument for later!). But at the end of the day who cares?

E: You know who cares? The people in the small towns where these games take place. The Steelers damn-near remake "Friday Night Lights" every season in Latrobe, and that's awesome to see them do stuff like that.

Also, before we go any further, I think EVERY player should play at least one preseason game! I know that the GM's are all "ooooh, we don't want our guys getting hurt" and I get that, but would you rather have it happen now, or 7 minutes into the season when it counts? (You heard me, New England)

H: WHY??? So they can get hurt before the season begins? Do they get paid by their offseason stats? No. The only reason to watch the preseason is to hope that your big name players on your favorite team don’t get hurt. I won’t care if my starting QB sucks during the preseason as long as he plays well during the regular season. That’s when it matters.

E: You sound like the chairman for Fantasy Football or something.

H: Call it what you want, but I only care about the season stats/record of my team.

E: Whatever kid. The NFL is hard-hitting by nature. If you're scared to play and possibly get hurt, I have a Pop Warner league I can refer you to.

H: Ill make sure to tell Joe Theisman that. What, too soon?

E: OUCH. Literally.

Closing Statements:

E: This is a warmup for teams, coaches and everything else to get ready for 17 weeks of HELL. If you want these guys in there cold, there are gonna be more injuries than the Mets could ever hope to match (Sorry, KDL).

H: If you want fewer injuries have more weeks of practice before the season and get rid of the preseason games. There is no logical reason to put million dollar athletes in harms way for no reason at all.

If they play well/poorly no one cares. It does not affect them. If they get hurt though, there goes a year of there skills/time all because they played in a game that does not count for anything.

That'll wrap it up for this week's THROWDOWN!

..or WILL it?

BONUS QUESTION!!!!!

Rick Pitino: Discuss.

E: It's depressing that MJ isn't with us anymore, because all I can think of is the chorus of "Billie Jean."

H: Just another example of a classy guy doing classy things.

E: Agreed. Also, If you don't think he's going to be hearing this from the stands all season, you're nuts. You know what? That's a great idea! Who are Louisville's rivals in hoops?

H: That would be UK. I wonder if an NBA team would take him back now? Talk to the Celtics or the Knicks and their 192-220 records with Pitino as the head coach.

E: Yup. If you go to UK and are reading these words, I WANT BILLIE JEAN SUNG AT THE GAME THIS YEAR! "THE KID IS NOT MY SON!"

Ok folks, That'll wrap it up for this week's THROWDOWN!(for serious this time).

Come back next week for a brand new topic, and if you have any comments, feel free to let us know. Thanks for reading!

No More No.4-Play: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of Brett Favre

Ernest Wilkins — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 01:00:33 -0400

First and foremost: As a life-long Bears fan, I won't lie, I listened to this upon hearing the news that Favre officially retired.

(It's work-safe.)

As an unbiased (I know, right?) sportswriter though, I feel it's my duty to take a look at Favre's legacy in a piece I like to call...

"The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly"

Let's start with The Good:

Favre is the only player to win the AP Most Valuable Player three consecutive times (1995–97)

He led the Packers to seven division championships.

Two Super Bowl Appearances, with one win.
He holds a gang of NFL records. Let's see: Most career TD passes (464), most career passing yards (65,127), most career pass completions (5,720), most career pass attempts (9,280), most career interceptions thrown (310), The Cal Ripken streak for QB's, (269; 291 total starts including playoffs), and the most wins by a QB (169).

One of the best to ever do it? No doubt about it. Top five QB of all time? Yup. But be easy, gentle reader. We have to look at..

The Bad:

He's the All-time Career interceptions leader with 310. Second on that list of course, is Cade McNown with every pass he ever threw.

He's the all-time leader of every passing record for the Packers, except for two. TWO? What kind of quitter is he? In other news, I see you, Lynn Dickey!

The soap-opera that was the last two years. What are Ron Jaworski and those guys going to talk about now?

*checks any sports site, news site, and talk show in the last two days*

Wait, they reinstated WHO?!?!?

Um. Moving on.

The Ugly:

E's new girlfriend on "Entourage". (Note: This has nothing to do with Brett Favre, but you have to figure as a man he agrees with me, as should you. I mean, come ON!)

Wrapping things up, there isn't much else to be said about No. 4. I take my shots in jest because—let's face it—he's basically moonwalking into the Hall-of-Fame, and he made the game fun to watch (4th and 26, anyone?). That's all that matters, when it's all said and done. Now bring on the season already!

Epic: Is Mark Buerhle Already One of The Best White Sox Pitchers Ever?

Ernest Wilkins — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 02:59:20 -0400

The first text came at 2:06 PM.

"Buerhrle is on steroids."

Having no love, respect, or tolerance for anyone who would besmirch the good name of anyone on the Sox, I immediately ran to the TV to see what was up.

What I saw was perfection.

Dewayne Wise -a man who I have been calling to be traded since the season started- made the Web Gem to end all Web Gems (and in the process, saying, "Ernest, tell me how my ass taste?") and No. 56 pitched the 18th perfect game in MLB history. By doing so, he joined a pretty exclusive list.

The thing was, he was already on one.

We're talking about being 1 of 3 (read that again) to pitch multiple no-no's, a perfect game, and winning a ring for the same team.

The other two? Two guys named Sandy Koufax and Cy Young. (Don't worry, I hadn't heard of them either.)

Bringing things closer to home after today's events, you have to start questioning his place in White Sox history. Let's look at the best ever for the Men in Black and see where he stands.

(Note: I won't be counting Shoeless Joe Jackson or Eddie Cicotte, because cheaters never win.)

Here's our rotation:

Ted Lyons: 21 seasons, Hall of Famer, pitched a no-hitter in 67 minutes, had his number retired.

Win-Loss record	260-230
Earned run average	3.67
Strikeouts	1,073

Red Faber: 20 seasons, Hall of Famer, #42 on the all-time wins List, last legal man to use the Spitball.

Win-Loss record	254-213
Earned run average	3.15
Strikeouts	1471

Ed Walsh: 12 seasons, helped designed Comiskey Park, Best career ERA (1.82) in Major League history, 6 sub-2.00 ERA seasons.

Win-Loss record	195-126
Earned run average	1.82
Strikeouts	1736

"Black Jack" McDowell: 7 seasons, 1993 Cy Young Winner, set an MLB record by recording a decision in each of his first 27 starts. Also flicked off all of Yankee Stadium, as a Yankee.

Win-Loss record	127-87
Earned run average	3.85
Strikeouts	1,311

Mark Buehrle: 10 seasons, No hitter, Perfect Game, 4-time All-Star, World Series Ring. (Note: Stats are through yesterday.)

Win–Loss	132–90
Earned run average	3.78
Strikeouts	1,153

He's got a ways to go, but seeing as the guy is only 30, and his pitching style isn't high-velocity (he admitted he barely threw any fastballs during the perfect game), there's nothing to stop him from being one of, if not THE best Sox pitcher we've seen.

I know I'll be watching. You should too.

Building the Bulls: A Look at Chicago's Best (and Worst) Draft Picks

Ernest Wilkins — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:13:43 -0400

The Chicago Bulls and the NBA Draft are like that girl you dated Sophomore year. You had some great times together, but for the most part, you're happy you don't talk much anymore. Dating metaphors notwithstanding, the Bulls have had unbelievable highs (you know who I'm talking about) and some ridiculous lows (ditto) on draft day, and I'm here to point them out for you. Go grab an adult beverage and let's get this thing cracking, shall we?

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The Great Chicago Rivalry: Cubs/White Sox and What It Means to Us

Ernest Wilkins — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 01:22:29 -0400

"Ernest, you're from Chicago. You know what it's like. Those three days in June and July just seem to have a special feel to them. The air smells different, the people act different, and your day becomes centered around that final score. The only problem is trying to explain this sort of inner-city rivalry to anyone else, because they just don't get it. On those six days in Chicago, we play for the bragging rights for the rest of the year."

This is the fourth time I've tried to write this column. It's been hard because every time I start, I end up forgetting something huge and have to start from scratch.

I sent a group of my oldest friends and acquaintances messages about trying to tell the Cubs/White Sox story. Originally, it was just supposed to be a friendly look at the Cubs/Sox series, a look at the upcoming pitching matchups, and some playful ribbing at the Cubs' expense, all in good fun.

What I got back from them let me know that I can't tell this story alone. So, I won't.

"To me, the Cubs versus White Sox is a battle of good and evil. It's a battle of culture, a battle of lifestyle. It's a battle of politics, a battle of social class, and a battle of environment."

"This is not just two teams in close proximity. We're not in the same leagues and these six games are pretty meaningless in terms of the season. Cubs and Cards and Sox and Twinkies should be far more serious rivalries, but this is an all out civil war. It is quite literally what happens when you take a city full of stereotypical Chicago Bears fans, split them down the middle, and pit them against each other. The Sox/Cubs Series shuts down the city, literally in the case of Mayor Daley closing City Hall to go to the three at the Cell, and has some of the most passionate sports fans in the country at the throat of their neighbor (the same person who he would fight to the death with against a Red Wings or Packers fan)."

Where it comes from:

Loyalty is a funny thing. For a lot of people I came up with and their folks, they haven't seen much of it recently. Some of them have been let go from jobs they were loyal to for years. Maybe it's more than that. I wanted to know what makes them fans of their respective sides.

Up first? A Northsider:

"Cubs fans love their team, the lovable losers, no matter what and it is just a bonus if the Cubs are any good. Part of this is because Cubs fans were brought up with no expectations of the Cubs ever being any good. So, Cubs fans simply enjoyed the summer, because God knows Chicago is miserable in the winter—enjoyed having a few beers outside, listening to the cubs on the radio and bs'ing with friends. Because of this, there is a misconception that Cubs fans "just party instead of watch the game."

A good point. Southside?

"Yeah its definitely about my dad, uncles, and grandfather having the best seats in the house at an affordable price and sharing the games with my friends and family. Some of the best time of my life were spent in Old and New Comiskey. Its that tingle you get all over when you would see big Frank or Konerko just lay into a ball, knowing that it's now on the Dan Ryan."

I think you see what I'm getting at. This series is about family and tradition. It's about bragging rights, snow on the ground on Opening Day, 1906, and Mike Royko talking all that jazz.

I mean, we're talking about the mullets versus the Chads. William Ligue Jr. vs. Steve Bartman. "We don't get the attention we deserve!" against "Cubs fans do not care about the White Sox nearly as much as White Sox fans care about the Cubs."

Dare I mention the events that took place on May 20th, 2006?

This is deep stuff, kids.

As far as the actual games go, the series is tied up at 33-33. Both teams are kind of in purgatory right now, so there's an added emphasis to try and get out of the basement of both Central divisions.

Rather than try and beat you over the head with this anymore, I offer this:

If the following quote doesn't get you interested in this series, then I have some lovely fashion blogs and a sweet Ed Hardy shirt for you to look into.

"To me, the White Sox and Cubs rivalry is more than just about baseball within a city's limits. It's more than just a 12-stop difference on the Red Line.

It's about Hyde Park versus Rogers Park. Its about the South Side Irish, Morgan Park, Mt. Greenwood, and Beverly. It's about the vines and hearing Ernie Banks say "let's play two."

It's about Old Comiskey and Wrigley and how Sammy Sosa and Frank Thomas used to make fireworks every time they'd step up to the plate.

It's about the Union Stockyards and Union Station. It's about Al Capone, Bugs Moran, and Earl Weiss. It's about the Polish, the Irish, the Italian, the Hispanics, and the African-Americans who each contribute their own pieces to the city's rivalry. It's about the politics of Chicago, and while it seems legitimate to the untrained eye, the true people from the Chicago-area know why the wind blows so fierce.

It's about living in the spotlight of New York, and trying to make a name for ourselves and a city. It's about constant exposure of one team versus minimal exposure of the other.

Honestly, it's about two different forms of the game altogether: AL versus NL. It's about tattoo-covered fans who love their team even though they live in the spotlight, and its about fans who have waited 100 years and have never seen a parade for their team down Michigan Avenue.

It's about the disgust that each team has for each other come June and July of each year. Those six times we play each other, the true feelings of animosity and spite come out.

It's about 35th and Shields versus Addison and Sheffield.

It's about drunken fights at barbeques amongst friends who defend their teams. It's about Luke Appling, Nellie Fox, Charles Comiskey and the White Stockings, and Ed Walsh. It's about Billy Williams, Fergie Jenkins, Santo and Maddux.

Its about how you were raised, and how you stick to those core values that you were brought up upon concerning your baseball team. Its about defending your team, even while others spit in your face because of it. It's about having hope when your team is losing, and celebrating uncontrollably when your team is winning. It's about sticking to your core values as a Sox or a Cubs fan, and defending that against one another.

Its about come football season, we drop our animosity towards each other and let the Bears become our team. But, until then, it's a battle for your side of the city."

Sounds good to me.

(Note: All the quotes in italics come directly from my loving friends, whom I don't deserve the honor of being associated with. I wish I could sit here and name everyone, but if you contributed in any way, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Oh, and Go SOX!)

Tuesdays With Kenny: My Letter to the White Sox GM

Ernest Wilkins — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 18:09:18 -0400

Kenny! The Ken-Sterrr. Misterrrr Keeennnyyyydyyyyyyy!

What's good, homie?

It's been awhile since we last talked.

First off, I want to say that I'm not worried. The boys are in a transition spot, the Central is still up for grabs, and we get to knock around the Cubs next week.

Ozzie was right yesterday though—the hitting is Tender Trap ugly (don't ask). That got me thinking on a few questions I had though.

1: Who are you taking tonight?

Ye Olde Amateur Draft kicks off fairly soon, and there's a bunch of randoms available that could contribute. Personally, I'd take Jared Williams from LSU. He has a decent bat, good D, and he's the only player available that I've actually seen play.

2: When are you trading Josh Fields and Dewayne Wise?

Look, I wanted Fields to succeed as much as anybody after Crede left. I'm not sure if he's the guy though. Hitting .237 with 21 RBI isn't a good look. Plus, he has more errors than my math tests in high school.

Wise sucks. And the whole "I want you to boo me, it's MOTIVATION" thing was a lot better when Kellen Winslow did it.

All I'm saying? Trade one and one of the lovely young prospects we have on deck (more on that later) for an expiring contract in the outfield, like maybe Matt Holliday (I won't hold my breath).

3: I'm still proud of you for the whole Peavy thing.

Look, anyone whose dated knows that the hardest part can be putting yourself out there. You did everything you could though. You got your picks together, got Linebrink to be your wingman, and even got permission from the Padres/his parents. Everything you said, "You can make me a lot better. I want you."

You got rejected.

It happens, man. Sometimes it's a girl who doesn't know what she wants, sometimes it's a pitcher who only wants to play in the NL. Live and Learn.

Anyway, the draft's about to start, so I'm going to go watch and see how the Nationals screw this one up. Have a great week and keep your nose clean.

Ernest.

*By the way, the farm system is stacked. Good work with that. Also, thanks again for drafting John Ely. I went to high school with him and he's a great kid.

Midwest Masscre: A Look at The Chicago/Detroit Rivalry

Ernest Wilkins — Sat, 16 May 2009 14:01:26 -0400

At a casual glance, The NHL Western Conference Finals look like a promising series. The young Blackhawks taking on the experienced Red Wings should make for some good hockey, right?

Listen, champ; you don't understand how big this series is going to be.

Hawks—Red Wings. Chris Chelios, Ted Lindsay and Scotty Bowman. The Original Six. It's Chicago Stadium vs. The Olympia and Gordy Howe vs. Stan Mikita. Does 1961 ring a bell to anyone?

For most of you, these words won't mean anything. For fans of either team, they either make you smile, or want to punch a wall.

It doesn't end on the ice, either.

Do I even dare bring up the 2006 White Sox-Tigers games and that bastard Magglio Ordonez?

These rivalries haven't been as important in the last couple of years due to abysmal play by either cities' teams, and unless you were around to see Bobby Layne-I know I wasn't-the Bears have basically handed the Lions their butts every year, Barry Sanders years notwithstanding.

I wasn't really sure if the rivalry was around that much anymore until that amazing Winter Classic game in January.

Then the Hawks won against Vancouver.

I know you heard it. "We want Detroit! We want Detroit!"

It was then I knew, this isn't just sports.

For the two biggest cities in the Midwest, there has been bad blood for generations.This is Motown vs. The Second City, Hockeytown USA vs. The Madhouse on Madison, "It's so cold in the D" vs. "Toby Jones BBQ and Foot Massage."

You might want to tune in tomorrow. This could get ugly.

Everything I Needed To Know In Life I Learned From Pro Wrestling

Ernest Wilkins — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:08:12 -0400

So I'm in the bookstore the other day, and I come across this book talking about how all of your life lessons were learned in kindergarten or some noise like that. Kindergarten? Dude, I don't know what YOU were doing in kindergarten, but I sure as hell wasn't learning life lessons. Maybe the "Your crayons are for drawing, not for lunch" lesson, but I digress. Those bozos missed the point. Everything you ever need to know about life and what you'll encounter in it can be found in the squared circle. Don't believe me? Keep reading! (Sidebar: These guys taught me how to dress. See? You're learning already!)

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Deeper Than Basketball: How the Bulls-Celtics Series Changed My Life

Ernest Wilkins — Fri, 01 May 2009 01:11:16 -0400

Let's stop and compose ourselves for a second. Take a couple of deep breaths.

(Congrats to the Rockets for getting out of the first round, by the way)

I need you to understand something. This is bigger than basketball.

The Bulls-Celtics series has been nothing short of amazing. It's a story right out of a movie: Plucky young team with a leader who doesn't realize how big time he actually is yet, up against the champs.

Older. Wiser. Just amazing stuff.

Oh, and did I mention the overtimes?

Did I mention Ray Allen doing his best Jesus Shuttlesworth impression?

Did I mention Big Baby/Rondo becoming the new Isiah/Laimbeer in terms of "Chicago Hates You"?

I think I've proven my point. Look, for me, these games are huge for more reasons than I've listed. Here's a few.

1. Rose Wilkins is watching basketball again

Let me put this in perspective. The last time my mother (that's Rose) watched a Bulls game, Michael Jordan hadn't retired.

The first time.

Now she calls me from the car for score updates.

2. Pure Nostalgia

They say as you grow up, you only keep about three or four of the people you knew when you were younger around in your adult life. Everyone else fades away, time moves on.

I don't know about you, but I thought I would be best friends with some folks forever. Then somebody moves, or gets a new job, girlfriend, wife, and/or kids and next thing you know, it's random Facebook wall posts, and the occasional "Let's get together sometime!"

I'm rambling, but here's my point: Between the "did you see that?" texts, the "Remember when we were there last season and they were terrible?" calls, and everything else, this series reminded me who my friends were and the stuff we've been through.

3. Chicago sports are finally stepping into the spotlight

I don't know about you, but I was taken aback when Chicago got it's own ESPN (I mean..that other site) page. Not because the teams don't deserve it, but Chicago? I would have expected Boston to have their own page, or NYC, but Chicago?

Apparently, we haven't been suffering in silence. The rejuvenated Blackhawks, the Sox, the Fire, the "Don't call us Baby anymore" Bulls, Da Bears—hell, even the damn Cubs are all making some noise.

It's about damn time someone outside of the city was listening.

4. Big-Time Basketball is here again

The Bulls, Lakers, and Celtics are the three biggest franchises in hoops. You've got two of them playing lights-out ball, with the other waiting in the wings.

Oh, and there's that kid in Cleveland too. And that one in NO, and those kids in Portland, and so on and so forth.

It's not just that, starting with Atlanta (ATLANTA?!?!)'s wake up call to the Celtics last year, the NBA has begun to do a complete 180 from the days where the biggest story was what the dress code was.

To wrap this up:

I don't know about you, but the only way this series could get any better would be if they gave out free cars, Young Jeezy came through and made it rain, and Jordan announced that he was coming back to be Vinny the Black's assistant coach.

And the best part of it all?

We get one more game. Winner take all. Big players making big plays in the big show. Can't beat that with a stick.

Thanks for reading.

Sharp Dressed Men: The 10 Best Uniforms in Sports

Ernest Wilkins — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 21:52:19 -0400

They say clothes make the man. In pro sports, the uniform your team wears can strike fear in the heart of your rival, show a unity with your fanbase, or get you laughed out of town. This slideshow is a tribute to the best uni's out there. (Take a second and look at that pic. Seriously, how fly is Manute Bol?)

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What Bias? A Completely Impartial Guide to the 2009 Chicago White Sox

Ernest Wilkins — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:38:10 -0400

*sings* "It's the most wonderrrful time of the yeaaarrrr!"

Folks, it's no secret that I'm a big fan of baseball season. More specifically, I'm a fan of the Chicago White Sox. This year is going to be four different types of interesting, and I'm going to help you get ready by giving you a preview of The Southside Hitmen.

I'll break the team down by position and give my "ruthlessly optimistic" view at the bottom of each list. Let's get into it.

Pitchers:

The starting roto is looking like this (not in order):

Ruthlessly optimistic view: The fact is that Danks is two months older than me(23) and won 12 games last year with a ERA in the mid-threes. The sky isn't high enough for the kid.

Buehrle and Floyd are good to go, and the old heads(Colon and Contreras) are experienced enough in the AL central to get some wins lined up.

Homer Blinders Off View: There's something unsettling about a 37 and a 35 year old being expected to go the whole season without issue. Watch out for Lance Broadway, he should step in if someone gets hurt.

Bullpen:

The reliever guys are looking interesting. Here they are!

Ruthlessly optimistic view: These guys are pretty solid as is, when you couple that with good opening innings from the starters, this is where there isn't too much to worry about.

Homer Blinders Off View: Unless D.J. Carrasco is the second coming of Goose Gossage and I missed it, there isn't enough in the 'pen to make me feel comfortable. The backups aren't that exciting either.

Scott Linebrink is pretty on-point though. Jenks is still lights out, and he is second only to Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart on the "Best Beard/Goatee Thing" list.

Infield:

Ruthlessly optimistic view: If I told you Alexei Ramirez was going to be a boss like Richard E. Ross last year, you would have probably taken my beer away (sidebar: Don't touch my beer). He's leading a youth movement on the sand, it seems.

"Mr. Missouri" Joe Crede is no longer at third, and Josh Fields finally gets to show and prove. Big Fat Paulie Konerko is getting older, but he's still good for about 20-25 homers.

Homer Blinders Off View:

My die-hard Braves fan friends have extolled the virtue of Brent Lillibridge, but I can't trust any man with that last name.

Take a second. Roll it around the tongue. "LILLIBRIDGE." It sounds like an expensive rose wine. Sox fans don't drink wine, we save that for the trixies.

On the other hand, Corky Miller is the dopest baseball name since Coco Crisp. What's the over/under on him having that "Black Betty" song on his Ipod?

Outfield:

Ruthlessly optimistic view: If Carlos Quentin does even a fraction of last year's work(and keeps that wrist away from bats) he should be a monsterbeast. Gold Glover? why yes! Jermaine Dye is older, but is still awesome. Plus he was on MTV Cribs. Has Shin-Soo Choo been on Cribs? Didn't think so.

Homer Blinders Off View: Brian Anderson alternates between terrible and kinda ok, but still cringe-worthy when it comes to offense. J. Dye is getting older, and there might need to be some addressing of that situation before the season is out.

DH:

Jim Thome

Ruthlessly optimistic view: It's Jim Thome. 'Nuff said.

Homer Blinders Off View: He's older than bum wine and while he's still a big hitter. He's got Frank Thomas disease. It's either a homer or a K. He's still dat dude though.

So there you have it! Due to Chicago weather being Chicago weather, the team is actually pushing the opener to Tuesday. If you're bummed you have to wait until then, just listen to "Thunderstruck" on repeat like I'm going to do.

Whoever you support, have a great season!

Diagnosis: Jay Cutler Fever (or, I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends)

Ernest Wilkins — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:34:14 -0400

Really, Jay Cutler?

It wasn't enough to be the second-best thing to ever come out of Vanderbilt? (The #1 spot is reserved for Amy Grant. "Baby, Baby" is still my jam.)

For the last few days, the fans of various NFL teams have been wondering what's to come after the domestic disturbance at Mile High.

I have been a Bears fan long enough to know that getting my hopes up about anyone lining up under center for Chicago is a waste of energy, yet here I am analyzing possible trade scenarios (If we trade x and y for Cutler and Z, then..) and basically losing at life.

I'm sick folks.

Call it "Cutler Fever".

This time however, rather than let this roll around in my head too long, I decided to consult my friends and colleagues about what they think. Who knows, maybe I'm missing the big picture or something.

I went first to my good bud Spaider, who holds the distinction of being the only person I know in real life who is an honest-to-goodness Browns fan.

A Cleveland Browns fan...I'll let that sit in for a moment...

Anyway, he left me a very spirited voicemail, touching on topics from possible trade options, Quinn + S. Rogers for CutCut, draft pick stuff and something about crisp-arm accuracy and Matt Leinart.

It was all over the place, but hey, law school will do that to you.

Moving on, I kept things closer to home, and asked my road dog (and fellow long-suffering Bulls fan) Chris what he thought.

He got right to the point.

"The Jets will look at him, the Browns will talk to him and the Bears will just say 'hi'."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Finally, my boy Hank (who is a big Phillip Rivers fan, God knows why) is looking in a direction I don't think many people are considering.

"The 49ers would be my guess."

If San Fran were to pull it off, I'd be nothing short of impressed.

But enough of my prognostications, I want to hear from you! See that comment box beneath this? Let me know what you're thinking about this whole ordeal.

Have a great week, and as always, keep your noses clean.

Chicago Bulls' Playoff Chances: Head vs. Heart

Ernest Wilkins — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 22:37:40 -0400

Like Bruce Banner or Dr. Jekyll, we sports fans can have double personalities.

On one side, there's the fan, who believes the impossible is possible, who will sit in minus three degree temperatures with a smile, and who is willing to paint any body part at any time in support of his team. I call that part "The Heart."

The other side of any sports fan worth his salt is more based in reality. This is where your insane knowledge of stats, roster lineups, league trends, and history comes to mind. In this corner, we have "The Head."

Today, rather than just discuss the Bulls and their hopes for the NBA Playoffs, I'm going to moderate and let my better halves duke it out for your enjoyment. Enjoy!

Me: Gents, the Bulls are in a bit of a pickle. They're 30-37 right now and are sitting right outside the last Eastern Conference Playoff spot. What do you think they need to do to ensure they get the jump on Milwaukee?

My Head: Well, it's simple. The current lineup, since the super-trade last month, is finally starting to gel together. Continue...

My Heart (interrupting): Man! This isn't even a question. Let D. Rose take all the shots. Dude is four different kinds of unstoppable, and I'm pretty sure he could moonwalk across Lake Michigan if he wanted to.

Head: But Chicago has an issue. If Luol Deng is out for the rest of the season, that could prove to be a big deal.

Heart: I'm telling you, just leave it to D. Rose. He's half-man, half-amazing.

Me: Moving on. Head, you mentioned that "super trade" earlier. Do you think itgave Chicago enough pieces to make a postseason run?

Head: Well, yes and no. Salmons is having a pretty decent year, and Brad Miller is definitely an upgrade, but there's nothing terribly world-changing about the new players.

Heart: Yeah man, I wish they would have traded for Gasol, then we wouldn't be in this mess.

Me: What mess?

Heart: Think about it. This is the Chicago Bulls, dude! They have the best all-time record in NBA history! Now, I'm supposed to get excited for Tim Thomas? We shoulda pulled the trigger on Gasol, Kobe, Iverson, Wade, and Shaq. Now that would be a basketball team I'd pay to see! Woo!

Head (looking confused): Um, yes. But as I was saying, the Bulls are entering a gut-check period. They have a rough stretch with Boston, the Lakers, and the suddenly interesting Miami Heat coming to the UC.

Heart: Don't make me laugh. The Bulls can beat all three of those teams easily.

Me: Well, to be fair, Boston, Miami, and L.A. have all beaten Chicago this season.

Heart: Yeah, but that was then. Boston's all hurt, Miami is a joke, and I'm sure that a lineup of me, you, Brain over there, D.Rose and Aaron freaking Gray could work Kobe and those fruits.

Head: But I thought you liked Gasol and Kobe?

Heart: Key word thereis "liked." I live my life by two rules: No fat chicks, and if they don't play for Chicago, they're dead to me.

(Moderator and Head glance at each other)

Me: Hmm. Well, I should wrap this up. Closing statements, guys?

Head: The Bulls can definitely get this done. They're going to have enough chances to win a lot of the remaining games, and providing everyone stays healthy, they should make a strong case for that last seed.

Heart: Meh. I say they lose out. That gives them a better draft pick and then they start building the new Bulls, or as I call them, "Derrick Rose and The Pips." Oh, and D-Wade? COME HOME IN 2010!

Me: Err...alrighty. Thank you both for your time. I'm off to see a shrink.

(Note: This might be a bit off-topic, but I'll say it again for you slackers: Don't sleep on FSU in the big dance this year.)

Your Official NCAA Tourney Preview From That Guy At Work Who Doesn't Watch Hoops

Ernest Wilkins — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 00:14:21 -0500

(Before I start, RIP to Norm Van Leir. A all-around classy guy and Chicago sports legend.)

Let's face it: You can't buy a win in your office pool.

Either Rita from account services gets a perfect Sweet 16 by picking only teams with animal names, or you pay attention to some guy who has a "foolproof" plan and put UNC vs. Creighton in the final.

Well, suck no more, faithful reader! That guy in your office who doesn't even know who Dick Vitale is but has borrowed more money from you than Social Security (not to mention stealing that girl you knocked up) has tipped me into his winning ways, and in the interest of fairness, I'm passing it on to you.

Step 1: Pick only schools that have traditionally good football teams

This year, he's planning on going with an FSU—Oklahoma—Pitt—LSU Final Four. He then started telling me a story about Dan Marino in the 1982 Sugar Bowl and watered his ficus. How do you work with this guy?

Step 2: He looks at action pictures of the top players and decides that way

He said that Haseem Thabeet "looks like he might mug you," so no dice to UConn this year. Strangely, he compared a picture of Billy Donovan to your boss and just kinda stared for a while. This is getting creepy.

Step 3: Choosing the rival school of whoever Taryn, your hot receptionist, picks

Dude, you don't remember how she played him at the Xmas party? I don't even think he knows where Duke is, but he picked them because she took UNC.

Step 4: He copied Rita and picked via mascot

This is the only way Kansas, Syracuse, and Davidson make the Elite 8 this year.

Step 5: He's a weird guy

He has American University going into the Sweet 16, because "American University should win, regardless of the sport, right? RIGHT?"

(It was at this point I decided to leave.)

So there you have it, handy tournament tips from the guy who avoided getting laid off by naming names about the incident that happened at that seminar in Davenport. I hope they do you well.

And, in a completely unbiased note, stop sleeping on FSU. Toney Douglas is playing like someone has kidnapped his grandmother, Chris Singleton is a true freshman who is very versatile, and they've been making some noise in the ACC. If they make it past the second round in the ACC tournament, look for them to upset somebody big in March Madness. Remember where you heard it first. Have a good one, and remember to keep your nose clean.

A Beginner's Guide to Chicago Baseball: Survive if We Let You

Ernest Wilkins — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 14:36:10 -0500

We dip into the mailbag for today's article.

"Ernest, I love the articles. I know you're a Chicago native, and due to work, I'm moving there in a few weeks. I love baseball, and am currently willing to declare my loyalty to one of Chicago's clubs. Anything I should know ahead of time? I don't want to get my ass kicked."

Signed,

Red Line Rookie

RLR,

First, welcome to the greatest city in the world—when it's not cold. Which it usually is. I really hope you brought a coat.

Chicago has very rich baseball tradition, and I advise you to read up on it. However, in the interest of brevity, I'm gonna get right to the point and give you some do's and dont's about both teams, and not let my obvious bias (SOXSOXSOXSOXSOX) influence you (Seriously, though—White Sox Baseball).

First things first—know these two iron-clad rules.

1. PICK. A. SIDE.

There is no quicker way to be outed as a bandwagon fan (or, even worse, someone who doesn't like baseball!) than to say soft-ass chestnuts like "I like Chicago, so I don't care" or "I grew up going to both games, so I like both"

Get that s#@t outta here.

Whatever it takes, you better have a baseball team ready when someone asks.

2. Know What You're Talking About

I once had a conversation with an old Mexican man, an Irish union guy, and an Asian elderly gent about the 1998-'99 infield and why we miss Robin Ventura. Chicago is a cold, old-fashioned, segregated city, and love for baseball warms us up and brings us together.

So, know what you're talking about.

Read. Check stats. Do what you must to be current.

If you follow those two, you're on the right track. Now let's look at your two options:

Things You Need to Know About the Cubs

Wrigley is an awesome place to be if you like a more jovial atmosphere. Seriously, if Cubs day games were in a movie (and they have been) the title would have to be "There Will be Beer."

They (Cubs fans) are usually none-too-keen on being reminded of their century-long postseason futility. If I'm you, the word "curse" doesn't leave my mouth unless someone brings it up to you.

The seventh-inning stretch is a lovely tradition, and you should take part.

As a newbie, sit in the bleachers. Those are cheaper tickets (good luck with that) and fun people-watching. Oh, and a baseball game, too.

There are also more hot girls.

They are usually drunk.

This = Win.

Wrigleyville itself is the Bourbon Street of the Midwest. Before and after a game (especially if they win) it shouldn't be too hard for you to find a bottle to fall into. This is a good time to make friends.

Night games are overrated. The place didn't have lights full-time until I was 15, or something.

While most acknowledge the White Sox as their primary source of disgust, these guys get really serious when St. Louis comes to town. So, don't be from St. Louis.

Things You Need to Know About the White Sox

Traditionally, Southsiders are more working class than your average Cubs fan (We call them fratboys). Thus, you will see a lot more mustaches and guts. Don't forget this is a union town, jack.

There's fun to be had, and, while Cubs fans disagree with me about this, baseball seems to be taken more seriously at The Cell (note: you have not earned the right to call it Comiskey, so don't).

There isn't as much to do in the surrounding area, since this is the Southside. Either hit Taylor Street afterward, or get your ass on the train—this is no time to be a hero.

We take the Crosstown rivalry much more seriously, it seems. Some of this is because of inferior feelings stemming from high school, but mostly, it's because of the fight.

What do you mean, you don't know about the fight?

Saturday, May 20, 2006—A day that will live in infamy.

White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski (the only Florida Gator I will ever respect) was coming home off a sac fly. He gave Cubs catcher Michael Barrett the ol' Stony Island Special at home. A.J. slaps the plate to celebrate, and Barrett squares off and cracks him in the jaw.

At this point, to quote the late Biggie Smalls "stuff got thrown, and a fucking fight broke out." There were a lot of ejections, and the stands were filled with people wild-ing out. Seriously, the crime rate went up for about 20 minutes. Ever since then, it seems, things have been tense.

One of our bigger rallying cries is that there has always been biased media coverage towards the Cubs. This is usually true, but it's also mostly because the team was owned by a huge media outlet for a long time.

What are you gonna do? Win a damn World Series, that's what.

The White Sox don't have many day games, as the field had lights a lot earlier than Wrigley. This has led to my personal favorite phrase: "Cubs fans have day games, Sox fans have jobs".

Rivalry talk non-withstanding, the Sox are in a very frustrating division where Minnesota, Cleveland, Detroit, and even the freaking Royals can beat the others on any given day.

A good tip: Don't be from Minnesota, Cleveland, Detroit, or Kansas City. Actually, No one in Chicago likes Detroit, now that I think about it.

Lastly, The President of the United States of America is a White Sox fan. I get a huge smile on my face every time I say that.

So I hope this little guide has helped you out in picking a side to love. While the jeering is all in good fun, know that you're in a great sports town with lots to enjoy from both sides. Also, while baseball may divide the city, but the Bears unite it.

Seriously, God help you if you don't like the Bears.

After the Love Is Gone: What to Do When Your Favorite Player Moves On

Ernest Wilkins — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 21:42:25 -0500

You're going to be OK.

Before we go any further, I need you to know that.

When one of your favorite players on your team leaves, it can be a tough time. But when he/she goes to a rival team? The pain can be agonizing, like a hundred kicks to the crotch, or a never-ending Coldplay concert. Below are some tips to help ease your heartache.

Get rid of the evidence

Like any bad break-up, the last thing you want is to be reminded all the time of your former one-and-only. This is your time to clean house. Give away that jersey, rip that Fathead off the wall, it's time to move on.

Remember the good times

One of the saddest days in my life was when Frank Thomas left the White Sox. It was like seeing your parents fight when he and Kenny Williams were going at it.

But every time I get down, I think about how in his last year when they played the Cubs, he walked up and hit a one-pitch home run.

That, and he's one of the best power hitters ever and did it all cleaner than a virgin's bedsheets.

Try To Move On

It's over, and you're getting a little better about it. You have a choice to make here, do you want to a: follow the player to the new team or b: disavow any knowledge of the player ever existing. I recommend the latter.Try this prompt to see how you feel.

Example: Who's (insert former fave player)? I've never heard of anyone with that name before. You say he/she was a player for the (insert fave team name)? Hm. doesn't ring a bell.

I hope you can use some of these tips to get you through this, and hey, keep that chin up, ok?

Paving The Way: A Salute To Lesser-Known Black Sports Heroes (1 Of 3)

Ernest Wilkins — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:41:55 -0500

With this being Black History Month, I want to take this podium and spotlight and shine it on some lesser-known titans of sport. These men/women had a tremendous impact on modern sports, but you may have never heard their name(s) until now.

Trey McMillian

Honor: The first black man to attend (and sit all the way through) a hockey game.

Trey's story is one of power, determination, and sheer triumph over adversity.

Due to some clever snooping, I was able to secure an interview with him for The Bleacher Report. I hope you enjoy.

Ernest: Mr. McMillian, I'd like to begin by thanking you for giving my readers and I a moment of your time.

TreyMM: Not a problem, youngblood!

E: Well, I don't think a lot of people know that you were the first black man to make it all the way through a hockey game, and that sir, is an accomplishment worth celebrating!

TreyMM: Thanks, kid. BELIEVE ME, Before I did it, the only black people at the arena on hockey days were the staff.

E: ..How far we've come, sir.

TreyMM: Indeed.

E: So why don't you tell us what happened that fateful day?

TreyMM: I'd love to. See, the year was 1957. I was living in Boston, and working as a garbageman. a white guy at my job was RAVING all up and down the street about something called Bruins. It was "Bruins this, Bruins that" all the live-long day. One day, I had enough. I says to him, I says, "Why don't you quiet that noise? If they're that good, take me with the next time you go. I wanna see this nonsense."

So I tell my wife I'm going to a hockey game, and she looked at me like I kicked the damn dog down the stairs. My friends were worried about me. But I knew I had to press on. I went on over to the Boston Garden with the guy, and the first thing I could think of was...WHY THE HELL IS IT SO COLD IN HERE? What's wrong with these people? It's the middle of April and people were in there wearing heavy coats. I immediately thought "F*** THIS STUFF" and turned to get the hell out, but something told me to stay. The Bruins were playing some team from Canada. This was the first time I had seen anyone from Canada, so that was pretty interesting.

The game was easy to follow, but for the life of me, I couldn't see that damn puck thing. I had a trick though. Since I couldn't see it, I would just kind of wait until that noise went off when the goal got hit, and everyone started cheering, then i would cheer too. Easy enough. Oh, and one thing I saw that blew my mind? A damn fight broke out!

Ernest: A fight, you say?!?

TreyMM: A DAMN FIGHT! People went crazy! I'm thinking, aww s**t! So this goes on for a while, and then..it just ended. Nobody got arrested, Nobody got a ticket. That's when I knew my life would never be the same.

Ernest: Absolutely fascinating. Sir, your tale is amazing. I want to thank you for your time. Before we leave, is there any advice you'd like to give to today's black hockey game attendees and players?

TreyMM: Oh yeah. Put a damn coat on. A sweatshirt at the least. Oh, and they stop serving beer in the 3rd period. so load up. It helps. Players? What are you talking about?

Ernest: Well, sir. There have been several Black players in the NHL since your achievement.

TreyMM: Are you serious?

Ernest: Uh..yeah. Matter of fact, the first Black player was a Boston Bruin.

TreyMM: Well, son of a bitch. That's amazing. Good for him.

Ernest: ...Mr. McMillian. Have you been to a game since that one?

TreyMM: No. No, I have not.

Ernest: Astounding stuff. Thanks again.

This has been Paving The Way. I'm Ernest Wilkins. Goodnight, and Keep your nose clean.

The Art of Storming the Court in College Basketball

Ernest Wilkins — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 00:40:59 -0500

I got home in time today to see No. 5 Duke eat it against Boston College in hoops today. While I personally love when the Dookies lose, I couldn't help but notice the piss-poor event that took place at the end of regulation. The Eagle fans, completely thrilled with the idea of beating the Devils for the first time since I was born, meandered onto the court.

What the hell was that, BC?

Folks, storming the court is an ART FORM. You can't just go out there, throw caution to the wind, and expect to be on the end of your school's segment on SportsCenter! In my never-ending mission to make the world a better place, I've decided to list some handy tips and tricks to make your next court-storming a success.

See the picture accompanying this article? That was taken in the 2006 season, when my beloved Seminoles beat Duke. (Disclosure: Again, I LOVE when Duke loses.) What you don't realize is that somewhere, toward the center of that sea of Seminoles, is yours truly. That brings us to...

Rule No. 1: Be a leader, not a follower.

FSU's student section is called The 'Nole Zone, and is close to the court so all the diaper dandies can hear us armchair 2-guards let them know what we think. If you have a similar section in your gym, note that this makes for a great place to be one of the first onto the court!

Don't wait for everyone else to get out there. Be a good fan, and lead the charge like Leonidas into the Battle of Thermopylae (the plot of that 300 movie, for you social science majors out there.)

Rule No. 2: Show your love

Usually, you can find the guys who just did all the heavy lifting in the center of the madness. The players are just as excited about the win as you are, and they should know you are proud of them. Here's an exchange I had with a player after the 'Noles beat defending champs UF during the '06-'07 season (jeez, the '06 season was a good one).

Me: "YOU DID IT!"

Player: "AH! WOO! I KNOW! WOO!"

Me: "YEAH BABY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

Player: "OH MAN! WOOOOOOOOO!"

Now, this may not seem like much to the average eye, but look closer, there's a underlying gratitude there that you may have missed. Let's look again.

Me: "I'm so proud of your athletic achievement, tall guy!"

Player: "Thank you for your support, kid I don't know! I truly appreciate it!"

Me: "You guys were supposed to be dominated! I truly can't believe this!"

Player: "I know and agree completely, but let's ignore that fact and yell some more!"

See how easy that was?

Rule No. 3: Remember why you're there

This isn't about you. This is about the crowd getting to live the dream on the hardwood. At best, we're weekend warriors, playing horrible games at the rec and waxing poetic about that one game in HS when you "totally made that three over Eddy Curry."

This is time to celebrate! Hug that classmate of a different race, test your lungs and scream with your best girlfriend who you totally have a crush on, but she only wants to be friends, but you don't take the hint and do that whole awkward "protector older brother" deal. You know what I'm talking about, you creeper.

While rushing the court will never take the place of hitting the game-winner, or even being on the bench when someone else hits the game-winner, doing it provides an experience like no other. Plus, you have something else to brag about to those douchebags who still live at home, and who doesn't love that?

My Loves, My Teams

Ernest Wilkins — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 15:36:13 -0500

Hey there, everyone!

I decided to wait until Valentine's Day to write my first article. It's no secret that sports teams hold a special place in the hearts of many people—and I am no exception.

This is a little number to My loves, My teams.

To FSU Football:

You and I fell in love when I got to campus. We had that reckless love that only young college students can have.

I thank you for that gift you got me in 2005, when you finally beat Miami after a decade (at least, that's how long it felt) and clutched myself and 59,999 others in your sweet bosom.

Even now, as a proud alum, I celebrate the love we once shared every fall.

To The Chicago Bulls:

Honey, where do I start?

My first time experiencing you was in 1990-91. I was a wee lad, with no idea of what a love of such power could feel like. You had a couple of guys that made you look amazing (How are Mike and Scottie doing, anyway?).

A couple of rings later, I knew you were the one for me. Then that bastard Tim took your pretty looks away and gave you that black eye.

There was even some nonsense about you messing with Ron Artest, but I didn't believe it. I see that you're rebuilding, and I'm proud of you.

That new guy Derrick? He's cool. I hope you guys are happy for a long time.

I'm still in love with you, and that won't change.

To the Chicago White Sox:

Wow. You and I have some history, don't we? Even though I grew up really close to that slut on Addison, I've been sneaking across the tracks to see you since, what, 1989? I can't claim your love as my own, since you were kinda pussyfooting around with my old man.

Let's not talk about that.

I'd rather talk about how much you give in this relationship. You gave me the Big Hurt, the best Hurt one can give. You gave me Ozzie, who keeps me smiling to this day—and in 2005, you gave me a ring.

I promise to never take it off, or let that slut up north forget about it.

And Finally, to the Chicago Bears:

We met in 1985. You were on top of the world. I was born.

Frankly, love...you've been kinda hard on me. For some reason, you don't believe in keeping a quality quarterback(What was with that guy from UCLA?)

Since your crowning moment in '85, you've been all about defense. I understand that's your look, but baby, you can change!

There's so much out there for you, and I want you to know, that no matter what you do, no matter how many running backs you draft (good call on the last one, btw), I will always be here.

For better or for worse, till death do us part, right?