Bleacher Report - Articles by GetOutofMyBallpark

Marco Scutaro and Other Baseless Speculation on the Red Sox Offseason

GetOutofMyBallpark — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 11:19:10 -0500

This Column Originally Published At GetOutofMyBallpark.com

With only a few days left until the Winter Meetings (my favorite non-baseball season week of the year), nobody really has any idea what is going on with the Red Sox.

Last year we all knew that they were going to go hard after Mark Teixeira and that the Yanks were going to sign CC Sabathia.

In the weeks since the end of the season, there have been rumors of everything from the Sox getting Roy Halladay for Buchholz and Casey Kelly (who is both a shortstop and starting pitcher), to them signing Matt Holiday instead of Jason Bay so that they could net an extra draft pick, and finally to Theo giving up his first born, Mike Lowell and the souls of half the front office to get Hanley Ramirez back and end the curse of Nomar.

The most recent word with any certainty is that Marco Scutaro, a career utility player who managed to put in a career year last season in Toronto, wants to come to Boston. The team has sent Allard Baird to see him work out and requested his medical records.

Of course, this wouldn't have been necessary if the team hadn't crapped the bed when they had a chance to resign Alex Gonzalez, who has been the closest thing to an actual shortstop that the Sox have had since Cabrera and his "off-field issues" departed after 2004.

The most recent report is that Scutaro is signing a two year deal, with an option for a third, which should be just enough time to let Jose Iglesias, the Sox wiz kid shortstop of the future, to season in the minors. With the option of Gonzalez off the table, this is the best move possible.

Apparently, Cliff Lee Is the Yankees' Daddy

GetOutofMyBallpark — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 19:29:30 -0400

This Column Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Have you ever been really excited to show off your new apartment to some friends, and then some guy shows up, beats the crap out of you, poops on your couch and then lights your bed on fire? That’s what the Yankees feel like today after what Cliff Lee did to them. In the Steinbrenners’ first chance to show off their billion dollar monument to being whores (and taxpayer money) on the world wide scale, the Phillies spoiled the party by dominating the Yanks on both sides of the ball and ruining the return of Aura and Mystique (Schilling’s favorite strippers) to the Series. He shut down the best offensive team money can buy (one run on six hits in a complete game), while also giving the atomic finger to a former teammate who got all the attention even while Lee was winning an AL Cy Young.

And it felt great for me. Every Yankees fan I’ve seen today looks like somebody s**t in their cereal. Douche-Rod, who had switched bodies with David Ortiz circa 2004 for most clutch hits in the playoffs, was back to his old self, putting up an 0-4 night with three Ks. Teixeira was almost as bad, coming one K short of matching Rodriguez in complete uselessness (though Rodriguez still has bigger tits). The entire team was shut down by Lee, who has done nothing but dominate since coming over in the Indians fire sale at the deadline.

On the other side of the ball, Sabathia, the $161 Million man, got hammered by Chase Utley twice and after he was out, it took five relievers to get 6 outs, while giving up four more runs.

Postmortem on the 2009 Red Sox.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:40:32 -0400

I'm not a great eugooglizer, but bear with me. I'm only going to reference the giant kick to the testicles administered to me a few days ago by the now defunct 2009 Red Sox once.

I will say that it was a good, if extremely frustrating season, one that could just as well have ended up in the garbage heap along with 2002, 2006, and pretty much the entire decade of the 1990s (hold your horses Mr. "what about 99." The Sox had no realistic shot in that series unless Pedro Martinez had been able to pitch seven times), or could have ended with guys like me diving into the river to get closer to the duck boats.

What we got, as it turns out, is somewhere in the middle. A decent team that won 95 games, was streaky as all get out, and gave us more great memories at the start of the year than the end. They backed into the playoffs, came up against a "Team of Destiny" (we should all know not to bet against a team that lost a guy early in the season, it's just common sense), and got thrashed in the worst way possible.

This winter will be busier than usual for Theo Epstein and company on Yawkey Way. They need to add a bat, keep Jason "I should have been given a five-year, $80 million deal in June" Bay, and figure out what to do with the rapidly fading David Ortiz, Mike Lowell, and Jonathan Papelbon.

Yes, I did just say that Papelbon was fading. Yes, I did mean it. The Angels were more worried about facing Daniel Bard last week than Paps, and we all know that closers have expiration dates.

The collapse at the end of Sunday's game was just the last gasp of a season which he spent constantly teetering over the edge between being Mariano Rivera and Heathcliff Slocumb.

If he can be used to get Adrian Gonzalez, Felix Hernandez, or anyone else that will have a significant impact on the 2010 Sox and beyond (see C.C Sabathia and Mark Teixeira,) then Theo should jump at the opportunity. Especially with a rookie that throws 100 mph out there behind him. (this is not a snap judgement made after Sunday. It is a decision that I came to after many long conversations with my friends Johnny Walker, Sam Adams and Whateverhisnamewas Pabst.)

Boston Red Sox: One Man's Plea for Just a Few More Days of Summer

GetOutofMyBallpark — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 13:14:35 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com.

There is no real fall in New England.

From Opening Day in April until the last out is made on the Boys of Summer, we have six (sometimes seven) glorious months of sunny days and warm temperatures. After that, it's all dark, cold, gray winter.

So I come to you today as a kid who just wants a few more days of summer. The Angels have every advantage in this series, from the motivational lift of Nick Adenhart looking down upon them (if ever you could say that there is a team of destiny, this is it; and to all those who thought it was bad that they showered his jersey in beer after winning the division, lighten the f#$% up, and just let it be what it was, a heartwarming tribute to a fallen team-mate who never left their hearts), to the fact that I can throw out more base stealers from my couch than the Sox can, to the complete inconsistency of the Red Sox this season, especially on the road.

If they win today, nobody can blame the Sox, who will have gotten beaten by, if not a better team, then at least one as good as them who was playing better.

But I don't want it to end.

I don't want to have to start rooting for other teams to beat the Yanks, and watching ballgames that I don't really care about. I don't want to start thinking about the money that needs to be spent and how Jason Bay is highly likely to end up in pinstripes at the start of Spring Training.

I want to keep believing, watching and hanging on every pitch. I want to keep that feeling of anticipation of what can go tremendously right or horribly wrong each time the pitcher winds up.

As the Sox sit on the brink of elimination, I am not asking for them to pound the Angels into submission, to throw a no hitter, or to hit four home runs in the game. I am asking them to win, to hit, and to pitch as well as we know they can. I am asking them to just give us one more chance, one more day of anticipation, and one more day of summer.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Red Sox Feeling No Pressure, Seriously

GetOutofMyBallpark — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:32:54 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

I don't think I've ever felt so little pressure on the day of a Red Sox playoff game before. Nobody expects anything, but everybody hopes for something.

There was a time, back before Theo, Tito and all the rest, when there were no hopes for October at all, and anything we got past that final weekend of the regular season was gravy. Then over the last seven years, things changed. Over that span, we've expected greatness every year.

There is a different feel to it this year. All the pressure is on the Pinstriped A-holes, and their half-billion dollars worth of free-agent robots.

The Sox are being picked to win the AL or the World Series by about seven of the 400,000,000 people that ESPN, Yahoo, SI, and all the rest have prognosticating these playoffs (and one of them is Dave O'Brien who calls games on WEEI, so he doesn't even count).

They are all picking the Yanks, the Cardinals, or the Angels to win the Series, and many of them don't even have the Sox making it out of the ALDS.

Tonight, the Sox open the playoffs against the Angels in Anaheim (not LA, Arte Moreno, you douche), like they have the three times in the past five years. Twice, the Angels had no shot because the Sox were simply a better team.

Last season the Halos probably should have won, but this season seems to be a complete crapshoot.

Red Sox Go All Deliverance On The Baltimore Orioles

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 15:32:23 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Now that was what I was looking for. Six home runs, a performance from Buck worthy of a 10 run lead, and a good old sodomizing of a last place team back at Fenway.

The Sox came home last night to tune up for their weekend visit from the Rays with a quick two gamer against the bottom feeding Orioles. At first glance, it had disaster written all over it.

Two games against the worst team in the division (how depressed must everybody in the DC/Baltimore area be), coming off a weekend beating from a sub-.500 opponent and needing to win because the Rangers are playing a team of minor leaguers. But led by AL MVP Dusty Pete, at whom I pointed the finger Sunday night, the Sox treated the O's pitching staff like they had just been caught in the woods, and the Sox were the hillbillies. (If you are wondering about all the Deliverance references, SMC is currently paddling his way down a river in West Virginia).

It was nice to see that the big guys are not missing mistakes, like they have so often this year. Whatever sacrifice the Orioles sent out there last night (I seriously don't remember his name and I'm pretty sure he prefers it that way), was making enough of them to give up six runs on four hits in 2-2/3 innings.

The unfortunate part for him was that all of the hits were home runs; two for Pedroia, his first two homer game, one for Beardzilla, and just for fun, one more for Gonzo (now hitting .289).

Of course, it doesn't help that the guy who came in to relieve him walked Bay and promptly gave up another bomb, Drew's 20th. Ortiz added a cherry on top later with his 289th as a DH, tying him with Frank Thomas for that position's all time record. Let's just say that it was fun.

Junichi Tazawa Does Not Fear a Rampaging Youkzilla.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 12:37:09 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Apparently Kevin Youkilis has been reading the notes that I’ve been giving him on this site. I’ve been saying for weeks that this year’s Sox club needed a fight to get themselves riled up for the stretch run.

Last night, after having traded plunkings for the second night in a row, Youk decided to make people think twice about hitting the Beard.

After Sox starter Junichi Tazawa making his first major league start, had hit Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera (who apparently couldn’t take the boo-boo and came out of the game later) in the hand in the first inning, Rick Porcello hit Youkilis in the middle of the back for the second time in two nights.

Well, Youk didn’t like this, and charged the mound, evading the Tigers' new first baseman and tackling Porcello as the crowd coming from both benches covered them. Both guys were booted from the game (suspensions likely to follow).

This was needed for so many reasons. Sure, Youk missed the rest of this game. That was okay, because the guy who pinch ran for him (probably the last time Mike Lowell will ever pinch run) hit two home runs.

He'll likely miss at least three more games, but the guys loved it. They got fired up and let some of their tensions boil out, as evidenced by seeing the normally placid Tito getting in the face of a guy whom he has expressed a great respect for in the past, Tiger’s Manager Jim Leyland.

Brad Penny Might Be Pukin, But He Still Likes The Home Cookin at Fenway

GetOutofMyBallpark — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:20:09 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Take your head out of the oven, slowly lift your toe off the trigger and look around. Did the world come to an end? Are you going to let them win now? Sure, the Sox lost their last six to the heart of their divisional rivals, but last night they came back and stuck it to another division leader while the Yanks lost one to those pesky Blue Jays (the Sea Shepherds of the AL East).

While the entire region was on suicide watch yesterday, today things are looking decidedly up.

The Sox banged out 12 hits (roughly half as many as they had in the entire Yanks series), scored six times, and got a quality start out of Brad Penny (who threw up before the sixth due to bad clams/acid reflux). They scored early—on Dustin Pedroia's first inning two run homer—and late on Nick Green's seventh inning sac fly.

They got productive outs and every member of the starting lineup—other than Victor Martinez, who hit the ball hard three times—had at least one hit and Jacoby Ellsbury crept closer to Tommy Harper's club record 54 stolen bases (Ells has 51).

Big Papi Did Steroids, But It's Cool...Seriously

GetOutofMyBallpark — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 19:08:14 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

So out it came. Juicin'. '04, '07, Manny, Papi. Without question, if they aren't in Boston those years, we get no hardware.

It's really important to begin with that statement so that people know I'm still sane...but honestly, Papi did steroids, and I'm cool with it.

We all knew it already when it took him a zillion plus games to hit his first dinger this year, and even if that wasn't a direct result of him stopping when he did, it was enough to introduce the suspicion and condemn him subconsciously—the irony of course being that we were all right.

But I'm not givin' back squat. I'm keeping my World Series trophies and I'm still rooting for Big Papi. Sure, if he was a Yankee, or Manny, or a pre-existing a-hole (or Rod), then ya, I'd freakin' hate him...but he isn't. He's a guy that has been universally loved by every member of the Nation and he and his wife Tiffany have been model community citizens.

Big Papi is good for Boston and for baseball. Barry Bonds was a pre-existing a-hole and A-Rod is so despicable that the best thing we could say about him was "at least he isn't Bonds." (Now we can just hate them both regardless... which is nice.)

I'm cool with Papi because his equation still checks out. Whether or not you are one of the greats is a formula.

Clemens was an a-hole (negative), but he was a dominating pitcher who mastered the mound (double positive). Clemens' equation before steroids checked out because even though he was an a-hole, he was also The Rocket. Introduce steroids and he's just some a-hole on drugs, his equation got thrown all out of wack.

I Virtually Hate Bleacher Report.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 13:58:47 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

As some of you my know, for the past few months, SMC and I have been posting some of our work on a site known as Bleacher Report. This is a site for aspiring sports writers and other douchebags (ourselves included) to post their opinions, reactions, and predictions on anything relating to the wold of sports.

It is a great idea, and probably makes the people who came up with it a crapload of money. It has been a mostly enjoyable experience for us, as it has brought us a lot of traffic to our site—mostly because we only put half of each article on there with a link to the rest of it, which pisses some people off, but works really well.

We've also got some guidance on how to improve our work by allowing us to read the work of others like us.

In the past week, however, I have come across the seedier side of BleacherReport, and this whole internet thing in general. On Monday, we received an email (through the BR system) from our first fan on the site, a guy named Revo.

I have never met Revo, nor do I have any idea of who he actually is as a person, but he has been enjoying our work and commenting on it for a while, and generally seems to be a good guy.

In his email, Revo warned me that "due to an insulting and controversial article I wrote taking the BR leaders to task for their incompetence, it is not advisable for you to be associated with me if you are interested in not having possible harassment issues on BR."

I was shocked. First of all, having people harass me about what I write is part of the fun of it to me. Thats why SMC and I try to keep our site as anonymous as possible, so that what we say here is less likely to come back and bite us on the ass in our real lives.

Second, the fact that somebody had to warn me to not be seen as associating with him because, just by being a fan of his, people would bother me is incredible to me.

Yes, Revo did write an article (much like this one I guess) telling the people who run Bleacher Report (who have been nothing but nice to us) exactly why they should go fornicate themselves with a sharp stick, or at least run their business better, but that is the whole purpose of the site.

If it was not created for the free exchange of ideas, then why is it there?

Not being able to criticize the way that the site is run will lead to it stagnating and not getting better, which was all that Revo wanted in the first place.

Now, the site won't get better, and is actually worse, because one of the people who cared to make it better is gone (you can find Revo at therevofiles.blogspot.com for some really good Bruins stuff).

Adam LaRoche and the Red Sox, A Match Made In Pittsburgh

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 17:55:12 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

I am really beginning to love the Pittsburgh Pirates. Not only are they called Pirates, but they have developed this great habit of giving up just the kind of player that the Sox need right around the All-Star Break. Last year it was Jason Bay, who is slumping, but will still give us the 31 HR and 110 RBI that he has every other season of his career (the man is so consistent that his first half and second half career numbers are almost exactly the same), and this year it is Adam LaRoche.

Apparently he's slick with the glove too.

LaRoche (whose French seeming name is already annoying to type) is a first baseman and not to be confused with his brother Andy, who plays third. He will allow the Sox to spell Lowell and his aging hip by shifting Youkilis over to third while providing some pop.

My favorite stat about this guy is that while he is an average first half player, his numbers in the second half of the season have traditionally been All-Star quality, with an OPS after the break of .901 (which has always pissed me off, had he had those stats in the first half, he would have been an All-Star, but because they were in the second half and he was on a crappy team, they go unnoticed). LaRoche will provide a lefthanded power bat who, when he’s on (he is a streaky hitter), destroys right handed pitching, which is exactly what the club needed.

The Awesomeness of Josh Beckett, As Explained by Billy Mays

GetOutofMyBallpark — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 08:23:24 -0400

This Article Originally published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Not long after the Sox game yesterday, I realized that my paltry talents were not going to be enough to describe how awesome Josh Beckett was yesterday in pitching a complete game shutout against the Royals.

He ended he "first half" of the season (they have actually played 88, and 81 is half) by winning the Sox third in a row, and tied Tim Wakefield for the league lead in wins with 11. The Sox head into the All-Star break with a three game lead over the Yanks, and the best record in the AL.

So I called my people and got the Billy Mays do-it-yourself Kit. Yes, Billy may have left us too early, but his special brand of awesomeness lives on. In order to truly capture the spirit of this commercial, whiten your teeth for a week (just leave the strip on), and paint your face with tar to achieve the full beard action. Enjoy.

Josh Beckett Commercial Script:

Billy Mays:

DO YOU HAVE A TIRED BULLPEN? HAVE THEY BEEN OVERWORKED, DOWN AND SUCKING MORE CONSISTENTLY THAN A DYSON LATELY? WORRY NO MORE!

I'M BILLY MAYS HERE FOR JOSH BECKETT, YOUR ALL-STAR SOLUTION FOR A TIRED 'PEN!

JOSH BECKETT WILL SHUT DOWN THE OPPOSING BATTING ORDER WITH BY POUNDING THE STRIKE ZONE WITH EXPLODING FASTBALLS, KNEE BUCKLING CURVEBALLS, AND DAYLIGHT SAVINGS CHANGEUPS! IT'S NOT FAIR! HE USES PATENTED UP-DOWN, IN-OUT, FAST-SLOW TECHNOLOGY TO MAKE THE OTHER TEAM SEND EVERY ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS TO THE MINORS! THE SECRET IS IN THE FACT THAT HE GOES ALL NINE INNINGS! YOUR BULLPEN CAN GO INTO THE ALL STAR BREAK THE WAY THEY ARE BEST, SITTING IN THE OUTFIELD PLAYING DRUMS ON THE ROOF OF THEIR DUGOUT, NOT SCREWING UP ANOTHER GAME!

LET'S HEAR FROM SOME HAPPY CUSTOMERS.

(Cut to Customers)

Man: After watching Josh Beckett, I can finally satisfy my wife. (Smiles weakly)

Woman: Josh Beckett gives me that special tingling feeling, while my bullpen doesn't get tired at all!

Ugly man (possibly SMC): Just knowing about Josh Beckett makes me much more attractive to women!

Billy Mays:

JOSH BECKETT CAN DO ALL OF THESE THINGS AND MORE! HE EVEN PLAYS DEFENSE! HE WILL KICK THE BALL TO HIS SECOND BASEMAN TO GET THE OUT! HE IS UNBREAKABLE, EVEN HIS EX GIRLFRIEND SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM DOESN'T CAUSE HIM TO BREAK DOWN! JOSH BECKETT IS YOUR ALL PURPOSE SOLUTION FOR A TIRED BULLPEN!

AND NOW, FOR A LIMITED TIME, JOSH BECKETT COMES WITH HIS OWN SUPPLY OF ALL-STAR TEAMMATES! THAT'S RIGHT, ORDER TODAY AND GET JASON BAY, JONATHAN PAPELBON, DUSTIN PEDROIA (SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY), KEVIN YOUKILIS AND TIM WAKEFIELD FOR FREE!

OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY, SO CALL TODAY BECAUSE JOSH BECKETT GOES ALL NINE INNINGS!

HEY VINCE SCHLOMI,YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS.

end.

Go Sox.

Done.

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Conspiracy Theory: Red Sox Score Four in Ninth, Beat O'S 6-5 in 11.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:08:28 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Did anyone see that one coming? After a punch to the groin of the collective Red Sox bullpen on Tuesday night (10 runs in two innings) just letting yesterday's afternoon game at Camden Yards get away might have been a perfectly acceptable thing to do, especially with a long awaited off day at home looming today (f@#$ing off days). That is exactly what it seemed they were doing through four innings, trailing 5-1 behind their Ace, Josh Beckett, who was less than his normal dominant through the first four plus. But then Beckett seemed to get mad, getting the twelve outs after Ty Wigginton led off the fourth with a bomb. His bullpen followed him with four perfect innings of their own and the Sox bats came alive in the ninth, scoring four times to tie the game and then winning it on a (yes this is not a typo) Julio Lugo single in the eleventh.

I see conspiracies all over this one. It's almost as if the Sox had a team meeting and decided to take revenge upon the O's for their presumption in coming back the night before. If you look at the track of the games, they are similar, with the Sox scoring nine in the first four on Monday, and the O's scoring five in the same period yesterday, and both teams coming back from down four in the final frame in their last at bat. For further proof, just look at the phantom tag that Pedroia pulled off on Felix Pie (pronounced PEE -ay). I think the Sox were actually allowing the O's to score as much as they could in the first four innings, then intending to come back in their last two chances, but they only needed one because the O's suck too badly.

The Awfulnes of an Offday, Multiplied by Joe Buck.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:33:35 -0400

This Ball of Hilarity Originally Appeared at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse last night -boring work day, boring class, girlfriends parents are coming to town and effing up my 4th of July plans, i'm sunburned and hungover from the weekend and "she has a headache"- not to mention it's a freaking off day so there isn't even an excuse to drink alone ("Baby, the game's on.") Coach K comes knocking.

"Turn on HBO, I don't even want to describe the horror," he said. His voice shaky, likely from the nausea.

And there he was, sitting across from Brett mother-befriending Favre; Joe effing Buck on HB effing O. That the inaugural episode of Joe Buck Live! (it's spelled with an exclamation point) featured Brett Favre damn near made that TV studio a terrorist target. I mean, if my sample population of the United States was Joe Buck and Brett Favre I would run into the dessert with a towel on my head too to shield me from all the bull sh&t.

Such a show couldn't possibly exist, I thought as a tried to blink and will away the audio/visual catastrophe unfolding in front of me...

But alas, it's true. Joe Buck Live! (remember, it's spelled with an exclamation point) will be ruining the remaining Monday nights for the rest of the summer season. If I may rate the show (and granted, I only watched about 4 seconds of it) I give it one half bloody chewed up stump of a cut off thumb up out of 5. If I ever have to see this show again, I will kill myself with a spork.

Happy Tuesday,

StartMattCassel

Once again, Unless You Enjoy Seeing Joe Buck's Smug Face Moralizing at You During NFL and MLB games, Please visit GetOutofMyBallpark.com.

Red Sox Go 8-0 vs. Yankees, Sabathia Punches Aceves in the Groin

GetOutofMyBallpark — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 07:37:57 -0400

This Article Originally Appeared on GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

If I were Joe Girardi right now I would be considering taking a walk through my bullpen with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. He has to be getting frustrated.

Last night, just after the Sox bullpen had finally coughed one up (MDC on a rare off night), the Yanks 'pen gave it right back, proving that no matter how much you spend on starters and hitters, you need to spend a little more on those last two innings.

For the third straight night, the Yanks had to rely on their bullpen, and for the third straight night, the bullpen acted like they were throwing BP.

Last night it was the top of the order (and Nick Green) who got it going in the eighth, driving Chomping Cheeseburgers Sabathia (who gave up only one run while he was in the game, another bomb from The Rotting Corpse, but got hit for all four because his bullpen blows) from the game and placing themselves in the comfortable waiting arms of the Alfredo Aceves.

Four singles, a 10 pitch walk by Dusty Pete, and a Mike Lowell sac fly gave us three more in the inning, (Rocco struck out with the bases loaded to end the inning, but he had saved the game the inning before with a truly Ellsbury-esque catch) just enough to let the Papelbeast come out snorting and dominate the last three feeble men that they sent to the plate.

If this series doesn't demonstrate the chief advantage that this year's Sox have over their opponents then I don't know what will. As far back as Truck Day, I was lauding the fact that it was going to be the bullpen that made all the difference in the AL East this season.

But even I didn't know that they would be this good. There are no weaknesses, no soft spots, and, since the demotion of Javier Lopez, nobody who give you that Seanez like dread when he enters the game.

Red Sox Beat Yankees, Flush $200M Down the Toilet....In a Good Way.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:17:54 -0400

This Article Originally Appeared at Getoutofmyballpark.com

That was just about perfect. The Yanks strutted into Fenway having won 20 of 28 since the "Biggest Douche In the Universe" returned to their lineup, put one of their two big off season pitching signings (now 4-3 with an ERA approaching five) on the bump and then proceeded to piss themselves and cry like Bill Paxton in True Lies.

It was magical. The only hit that the pinstriped assholes managed against Beckett was a rain assisted infield hit by Robinson Cano in the fourth, a play made by Dusty Pete on any day without torrential rain. The top four hitters in their lineup (Jeter, The Artist Formerly Known as Captain Caveman, Leigh Teixeira's Wife, and Douche-Rod) were 0-13, and after six innings and 93 pitches, everything was going so well that Beckett and Tito decided to turn it over to the best bullpen in the bigs for the last three (MDC and the hard throwing kid: one hit, no runs, all good).

The offensive hero of this game was the Rotting Corpse, who, for a short time, had his batting average above .200, and hit a monstrous two run homer in the bottom of the second. It was, according to Tito, the best swing Ortiz has put on all season, and it looked like a classic Papi backbreaker—straight out to center, on a line, absolutely crushed.

Possibly better was the fire he showed when he popped up a 3-1 pitch later in the game, swatting it out of the way, and knowing that he should have placed that one somewhere on the Mass Pike. He saw the pitch and just missed it, unlike most of the season when he wasn't seeing the pitch and would have just walked back to the dugout with his head down.

Artificial Turf: Brett Farve Just Won't Go Away

GetOutofMyBallpark — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 14:53:29 -0400

If I could have slip the surgeon's assistant $100 to change the paperwork from "shoulder surgery" to "euthanasia" I absolutely would have. Or at least some sort of genital related operation.

But alas, I was unable to do so and the horrible little itch on the left side of my irrational hatred list pulled through his reconstructive shoulder surgery just fine last week.

Therefore, the question on everyone's mind is still: "Why won't you just say you're going to play for the Vikings? OR DON'T!"

Just stop trying to suck everyone's mindshare towards wondering what the you are going to do next season.

F&%$ You, Brett Favre.

The problem is, if the Vikings actually DO sign Brett Favre, they will make it to the NFC Championship Game (and lose to the Falcons). The Vikings are basically good across the board.

The offense & defense line have good anchors and a great left tackle (Bryant McKinnie), a stud running back in Adrian Peterson (and Chester Taylor), two good receivers, a decent tight end, fast linebackers, and an adequate defensive backfield.

All this, firmly anchored by either Gus Freaking Frerotte or Tavaris Jackson.

So here he is, the stubborn interception throwing choke artist at it again, holding some team hostage, trying to garner attention, and being a pain for football fans everywhere.

I hate Wrangler Jeans, I hate Prilosec OTC, and I hate Sensodyne. Brett Favre, you're a sensitive toothed wash out.

Sincerely,

StartMattCassel

This Column Originally Appeared at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Terry Francona: An Appreciation of His First 500 Wins

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 11:04:24 -0400

This Column Originally Appeared at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

The week that John Elway retired, the cover of Sports Illustrated had a picture of him and the headline, "John Elway: An Appreciation."

I thought at the time that it was too bad that the guy had retired, that I had enjoyed watching him play, and that Broncos fans everywhere would probably be about ready to kill themselves (I was right about that last one, go Kyle Orton).

But what I have realized now is that it was too bad.

If people didn't appreciate John Elway when he was playing, then they missed out. Only taking the time to really appreciate the people who make our teams great when they leave (I hope you appreciated David Ortiz in the 2007 playoffs) will leave fans focusing on the past as opposed to enjoying the present.

It is in that spirit that I want to make today an appreciation of Terry Francona.

The manager of the Boston Red Sox, holder of "the hardest job in Massachusetts," according to former Governor Michael Dukakis, won his 500th game with the team last night.

This win came courtesy of another homer by Jason "I'm really that good" Bay, five strong, nibbling innings (the first win of the year) from Daisuke Matsuzaka, and one frisky Detroit squirrel in right field.

No that is not a joke about how Pedroia is short, there actually was a squirrel.

However, it was just one of the 500 that this man's ballplayers have won in just under 5-1/3 seasons.

Tito, as we call him (it was also his father's name), has to be acclaimed amongst the best managers that this team has ever seen.

It is not simply the 500 wins, but the two titles (after none in the previous 86 years, in case you forgot), and the universal love from his players, some of whom almost killed him due to his bad heart (I'm looking at you, Manny Ramirez).

Once a guy regarded as a throw-in with Curt Schilling (Tito had been his manager in Philly), this man has done a job that most of us wouldn't wish on our worst enemy, and done it with class, honor, and most importantly, success.

Tito managed teams to two World Series titles in the past five seasons, won 90 or more games four times, and only missed the playoffs once. He helped us to recover from the brutal emotional beating we received at the hands of Grady Little, erased our greatest demons with the most incredible and improbable comeback in the history of sports (Dave Roberts stole second base), and made the Yankees fear us as we have feared them in the past.

If you didn't see it happen would you have believed it?

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This season, however, has been his masterpiece. In 2004 and 2007, we had the best team, the best lineup, the best pitching and the best atmosphere. Both of those titles came without players hitting on all cylinders.

If I told you before the season that after 52 games (two short of 1/3 of the season) David Ortiz' rotting corpse would be hitting sixth in the lineup, have only one home run and a batting average below the Mendoza line, Daisuke Matsuzaka would be 1-3 (getting his win in the last game), have an ERA around seven and have spent a month on the disabled list, and that Jon Lester would have regressed to his form before becoming an ace in the 2008 season, would you believe that the Sox would only be one game out of first place in the best division in baseball?

No?

Well they are, and much of that credit would be due to the manager's deft handling of the best bullpen in the majors, and his handling of some wounded egos in the club house.

He has even been pushing the right buttons in the lineup lately, as his new order has created 13 runs in two games after the old one gave us only 11 in the past five (small sampling, yes, but it's worked so far).

Credit for the success must be shared with Theo Epstein, the Trio and, of course, the players, but people need to appreciate Terry Francona for what he has done with a tough situation while he is active.

If we only take the time to appreciate him after he is gone, we will have missed out on one of the best managers in the history of our team, and a guy who we all should love.

If you see Terry Francona out around the city once the Sox get home from Detroit, please tell him how much we appreciate his efforts, and his ability to handle all the shit that comes from his job.

We love you Tito, please don't let us forget it.

Go Sox.

This Column Originally Appeared at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Pull Your Head out of Your Arse: Jason Varitek Is Not on Steroids.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Fri, 29 May 2009 14:38:48 -0400

This Column Originally Published on GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Warning: This post written under the influence of Big League Chew.

People out there know that I have long been a supporter of the Boston Red Sox captain, Jason Varitek. I am loving his offensive resurgence after a miserable season, and I am frankly insulted at the assumptions, after his two-homer day yesterday brought him to 10 0n the season, that his performance is due to some type of steroid.

Look, last season was a hard time in the man's life and he struggled at his job. We've all been there. But to assume that this is not natural is ridiculous.

I think that people are discounting the influence that personal issues can have on a player's performance. In 2007 we were all over J.D. Drew for his lack of production (except for the $14 million swing in Game Six of the ALCS) while his child was undergoing treatment for a serious medical condition.

Last season, while he still didn't live up to his contract, Drew's performance was vastly improved, especially when he was hitting in the third spot during Ortiz' injury in June.

The same could be said for our Captain last season. He was going through a nasty (by all reports) divorce and had his worst offensive season as a pro (by becoming a serial killer of rallies), but still managed a pitching staff that helped the Sox get to the seventh game of the ALCS.

Now that he has had a whole off-season to get the monkey of his back, work with Dave Magadan and retool his whole approach at the plate from the left hand side, his average has improved and his power numbers are up. Why is it that people are instantly assuming that, even with the other factors that had limited him last year and also the increased rigors of MLB's drug testing policy (Manny's positive has to be evidence that something is working a little at least), Varitek is using some type of PED?

Boston Red Sox: Give The Man Some Run Support

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 27 May 2009 11:00:16 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

O.K. so I said that I was going to comment on the Sox' experiment with the batting order after the first game of it. I lied. Because everybody sucked last night.

Ortiz was 1-for-3 with a walk and a double, and it is not his fault he was stranded on second after leading off the second inning with that double. At this point, it is impossible to see how the shift in the lineup went due to the fact that the guys couldn't score any runs and this time instead of leaving men on base, Ortiz was the one left on.

The more alarming trend is the propensity of our starting pitching staff to have that one bad inning. It may be that they all caught an STD from the same skank (and she got it from Matsuzaka), or it may just be the added innings load that some of them threw last season (hello Jon Lester's 210 innings last season, I'm looking at you), but they have all lapsed into the same issue that the Wiggler has always had.

It's not the whole game where they are giving up a steady stream of runs, or even one here and one there. It is the one bad inning that more often than not leads to Red Sox losses.

They can be cruising along and just "boom" a few bad pitches (like Morneau's three run bomb last night) and the Sox are down big. It's nothing new, but it is an alarming trend.

Lester's last two losses show much the same pattern as last night. The four run sixth in Seattle (when Lester couldn't get the DP and the inning extended) and the six run fifth in Tampa, and even the three run fifth against the Yanks in a game he won all show the pattern of the one inning with a crooked number.

Sweet Release: Red Sox Take Second Straight from Blue Jays as Ortiz Homers

GetOutofMyBallpark — Thu, 21 May 2009 08:07:43 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

You know that feeling, when you haven't gotten laid in a while, and so it's all you can think about every time you talk to a girl, no matter how ugly she is (if you don't know it talk to ABA)?

Each failure makes you feel like it will never happen again that you are doomed to spend your life in the dark, crying as you jerk off and using your tears as lube. It's a fear that can't really be explained.

Well, that's how David Ortiz, a man whose whole self was defined by his ability to hit the ball out of the ballpark, felt as he stepped into the batters box for his 150th at bat since his last regular season home run (lest we forget, as it seems everyone else has, the bomb he hit to really get things started in the seventh inning of game five of the ALCS last year). And then he made the fear pay.

I guess, at least for one night, Tito was right, again. After a weekend off, and one game where he might as well have been off, David Ortiz has finally (after 150 at bats) earned the right to be called Big Papi again, if only until 7:10 PM tonight.

Papi went two for five with two Ks (that will have to stop, at least if you aren't going to get on, you need productive outs), a double (a strong one off the left center wall, going the other way) and, finally, a home run.

The good signs were that he went the other way for both of his hits, hit both balls really hard, and the bomb was off a lefty. There is room to grow, but the first step is often the hardest and it looked in post game interviews like Ortiz had puled the monkey off his back, thrown it to the ground and bludgeoned it to death with his Nokona.

Wow. Did THAT Suck! ...Bruins Lose and I'm Off The Bangwagon

GetOutofMyBallpark — Mon, 18 May 2009 19:58:23 -0400

First off, 10 points to whomever can tell me what movie my title is from and an additional 10 points to whomever can explain why the proper grammar is "whom ever" and not "who ever." Or is it the other way around?

The answer—to the important one—is Scrooged. A Bill Murray classic. A remake of A Christmas Carol (best performed by the Muppets), Scrooged sees Bill Murray's Ebenezer-esque character, Frank Cross, through the highs and lows of his life in order to make him appreciate what he has in the world.

In the beginning, of course, Cross is the youngest Chief Executive in the history of network television, hardened by pessimism and anger. The quote above, about sucking, comes after Cross sees a rehearsal of a live holiday production they are going to air that is meant to propel the network to the top of the ratings. Ironically enough, A Christmas Carol.

Well that's exactly how I feel about the Bruins after this year's playoff defeat.

They had an opportunity, the first one since the strike—hockey's Hurricane Katrina—to rebuild their Boston hockey roots and bring back a touch of the Old Bruins' Glory. After huge playoff disappointment the previous several seasons, they come out with this awful marketing campaign about "Wanting it as bad as you do," as if to say they plan on Rohypnoling their way to Lord Stanley's Cup.

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Sure, you could say I'm spoiled by championships. Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics. But wouldn't that suggest that the Bruins DON'T benefit from a championship environment? The fans of any team should expect victory. And if they don't get it, overthrow the ownership like Colonial times.

As you recall from your faithful readershiping, I had taken the stance at the beginning of the season that it is impossible to be a real Bruin's fan again until they made it out of the first round.

Even through that lens, I couldn't overlook the terrific product that was being skated out every night. Big young names like Kessel and the emergence of Blake Wheeler, point makers like Savard who had a hand in almost 90 goals (88 total points) and high potential players in the sweaters of David Krejci, Milan Lucic and Mark Stuart. All these guys led by the best goalie in the game this year (best overall save percentage) and a 6'9'' towering captain.

So now in lies the problem: The Bruins blew it and aren't getting any better.

"Several guys" need surgery in the offseason; the list isn't out yet but don't be surprised to see Savard, Rechi, and Chara all going under the knife.

The B's have a bunch of salary cap decisions to make in re-signing the right young guys... I don't really know exactly how that all works in hockey, but I guess it's something like football and in that case, I don't know that I trust the guys making all the decisions.

Bottom line: Hockey sucks again and I'm off the bandwagon. 'Till next midseason if the Bruins are good again.

StartMattCanadien

Sign Jason Bay: An Open Letter to John Henry Et Al.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Sun, 10 May 2009 20:30:43 -0400

This Article Originally Appeared on GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Dear Mr. Henry and associates,

First and foremost I want to say thank you. You have rescued three generations of my family, and many others like us, from wondering if we were ever going to see our beloved Red Sox win a World Series. Now we have seen it, twice.

You and your group came to Boston and brought about the changes that have allowed our team to compete in the toughest division in baseball, and in the toughest economy in 80 years. The standard for excellence your teams have set is going to be the greatest challenge in the years to come.

It is for this reason that I write you with a simple request. Please, for the love of God (or Jesus, Krishna, Buddha, Dave Roberts or any other deity you might pray to), sign Jason Bay to the long term contract that he deserves.

Mr. Bay, who is in the last season of his contract and earning $7.5 million, is currently the best hitter in the Boston Red Sox lineup.

With the decline of David Ortiz (face reality folks, he's on the downswing and will hit only 15-20 home runs this season, if that ) and the emergence of Kevin Youkilis as a power threat over the past season and a half, signing Bay could allow the club to have as potent a hitting combination as they did with Ramirez and Ortiz anchoring the lineup from 2004-2007.

Add to that the excellent defense, base sealing ability and his calming and relaxed presence in the clubhouse, and Bay is a bargain for whatever you can sign him for. He will be another in the line of great players to patrol the shadow of the Green Monster.

At 30, bay is having his most productive season as a hitter already, which is saying something considering the fact that he has had three 30 HR/100 RBI seasons in his 6 year MLB career.

He has already matched his home run total from last season's 49 games with the Red Sox, and done it in 18 fewer games. He has 33 RBI, is hitting .317 and has an OPS over 1.1. Most tellingly his OPS in close and late situations is over two and a half.

When the word came down that Manny Ramirez was traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers last July 31, it was with the information that he had not only lost the support of the fans due to his actions (the dugout fight with Youk, shoving traveling secretary Jack McCormick to the ground, forgetting which knee was supposed to be sore) but also the faith of his teammates.

That was the last straw. He had given up on his team and he had been sent out of town at great financial cost to the ballclub. In stepped Jason Bay, who is not only a welcome veteran influence in the clubhouse, but also an upgrade in many areas of the game over Ramirez.

I as a fan have been a fan of the way Bay goes about his business (by business I mean hitting, driving in runs, and playing left field) and how he seems to genuinely love what he does.

Jason Bay is baseball's current version of Andy Dufresne. He spent years being raped in a prison of baseball mediocrity (Pittsburgh), crawled through 500 yards of shit (beingthe guy who replaced Manny in Boston), and came out clean on the other side (.317/9/33 through 31 games, on pace for .317/47/172, Yeah, 172 RBIs).

Please do all of us a favor and make this man a part of the nucleus that you locked up when you signed Youk, Pedroia, and Lester to extensions this winter.

Thank you for your time and your consideration.

Go Sox.

Done.

This Article Originally Appeared on GetOutofMyBallpark.com

That Just Happened: Red Sox Score 12 in Sixth Before Indians Get an Out

GetOutofMyBallpark — Fri, 08 May 2009 09:32:24 -0400

This Column Originally Appeared On GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Yes, Manny Ramirez probably used steroids. He may have even used them here. But he is gone now, and his suspension doesn't affect the 2009 Red Sox in any way. The Sox don't even play the Dodgers this season.

If you want to know the range of emotions I, and probably many of the Red Sox fans out there, feel, then read Bill Simmons' article about it.

He may be a glorified NBA writer now, who often gets too many cool points for past work (what did ESPN have to do to get him to give up such cool ideas as the top 100 sports movies of all time?

Why doesn't he do more of those instead of endless amounts of useless NBA columns?) and rarely writes about baseball except when it is front page news, but he is still really damn good at it.

I'm sure I'll have more to say when more detailed info comes out on Manny, but for now let's just say that this was Boras' fault (don't a surprising number of his guys get caught using?) and that he never did it in Boston.

There is some more positive, pertinent and encouraging news out there for Sox fans though. Without the first, third, and fourth hitters in their regular lineup, the Red Sox went out an put up a record scoring inning all over the faces of the Cleveland Indians last night.

First, it was the weirdest lineup I've even seen. With Ellsbury nursing a hammy, The Beard That Should Not Be resting a sore side (just imagine if he had been healthy; he's hitting .393 with a side that has been bothering him for weeks), and Ortiz a late scratch with a stiff neck, Bay slid up into the three spot and Lowell into cleanup. Rocco, in his first game back, hits fifth and starts in center. Julio Freaking Lugo led off for us.

On first glance you had to wonder if Wakefield (last night's starter: 6IP, 2ER, now 4-1) had done something to piss off Tito or the baseball gods. He was going to have to do what he did in Oakland to pull this one out. And through five-and-one-half innings it looked exactly that way.

Then came the sixth. Lets just look at the sheer numbers. The first 12 men who came to the plate all reached and scored. Lugo, Pedroia and Bay did it twice. There were three walks issued, seven singles, and two extra base hits (a double and a homer, both by Bay).

The Indians went through three pitchers, two of whom, starter Jeremy Sowers and reliever Masa Kobayashi, failed to get an out. Once the streak had ended with the Buzzard's three run blast into the right field bleachers, the Sox went in order, rather quietly.

Red Sox-Yankees: Lester, Red Sox Let Yanks Hear All the Boo at the New Stadium

GetOutofMyBallpark — Tue, 05 May 2009 07:51:06 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Let's total this up, MasterCard style. Brand new ballpark with all the amenities (including their very own portal to hell) that a ball player, fan or executive could want: $1.5 Billion. One fat lefty: $160 million.

Guy who only is good when he needs to be to get paid: $82.5 million. .195 Batting Average, 5 home runs and 12 RBI through May 4: $160 million.

Hearing all four fans at Coors Field New Yankee Stadium boo when their team loses it's fourth in a row to the Red Sox: Priceless.

It was a pretty good night in most respects last night. The two hour plus rain delay allowed me to watch House before the game started (and sober, which might not have been the best way to watch that one), and then the Sox won 6-4.

Sure, Papelbon gave us an adventurous ninth (he will not be available tonight after throwing 11 billion pitches to get through a five out save), Ram-Ram gave up his first run of the season, and Teixeira padded his stats in a losing cause (hmmmm...Which steroid loving douche does that remind me of?), but we won and there were good signs all around.

Lester looked great, other than two bad pitches in the fifth, and tied his career high with 10Ks. He had everything going and made some of the hitters he faced look absolutely ridiculous.

Ortiz went 2-for-3 with another two doubles (bringing his season total to nine, on pace for 57) and struck the ball with such authority that he was walked intentionally in the eighth to get to Jeff Bailey. Lowell continues to rake on a better pace than Leigh Teixeira's wife, hitting his fifth home run, getting his 26th RBI and bringing his average to .307.

The Buzzard was awesome as usual, giving us the margin of victory by saying, "Eff the short right field porch. I'm gonna hit one two-thirds of the way up the left field foul pole," while going 3-for-5 and wondering what this pressure thing is that got to so many players in this rivalry.

But, first and foremost was our first look at the Stadium. I am not afraid to admit that it is beautiful. It has everything that a fan could want. The food is supposed to be terrific and the players love the new digs.

Unfortunately nobody can get in. Yes, I know the stands were emptied out by the rain, and that it was more full at some point, but there were thousands of tickets available for a Red Sox game, and not just the newly discounted $1,250 ones.

That didn't happen in the old stadium.

A-Rod Has Bitch Tits Like Meatloaf in Fight Club.

GetOutofMyBallpark — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 08:07:03 -0400

This Column Was Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Great news Everyone! Selena Roberts has given us more reason to hate Douche-Rod. Excerpts from Robert's new book (out May 12) were published by the New York Daily News this morning.

Included are details about the "Douche's" steroid use, which reportedly started in high school and continues today, and his relationships with his wife, Madonna, and various other floozies (that is the actual word used in the Daily News). I can't think of a better way to wake up (other than in a Brad Penny's ex-girlfriends sandwich).

Here are some highlights (my thoughts in parentheses):

"Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts, who broke the story that A-Rod flunked a steroid screening in 2003, reveals fellow Bombers nicknamed the third baseman "B---h T--s" in 2005." (If you don't think that the fans at Fenway are going to be chanting "Bitch Tits" when he returns to Boston June 9th then you are dumber than, well, A-Rod)

"That was after he put on 15 pounds in the off-season and seemed to develop round pectorals, a condition called gynecomastia that can be caused by anabolic steroids."

"In one shocking disclosure, the book accuses A-Rod of "pitch tipping" when he was with the Rangers—letting a friendly opponent at the plate know which pitch was coming in lopsided games." (Douchebag)

"Rodriguez expected players he helped would do the same for him when he was having an off night and needed to get his batting average up and it wouldn't affect the outcome of the game."

"He was even hated at Hooters, where he tipped the minimum 15 percent."

I'm not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but it must be a challenge to be hated at Hooters when you have $300 million. In fact, what is a man who can afford whatever he wants doing eating at Hooters? Couldn't he get some hotty he is nailing (or a hooker) to go get him buffalo wings from Hooters and then serve them to him naked? Wouldn't that be more fun? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees: Do You Feel the Hate?

GetOutofMyBallpark — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 11:23:46 -0400

This Article Originally Appeared on GETOUTOFMYBALLPARK.com

It's that time of year again. The weather gets warm, the sun (and tits) come out, and a young man's fancy turns to banging everything he can get his hands on. But there is something else out there, something more insidious as the Best Sports Weekend of the Year comes along.

It's the stench of the dirt and leftover food rotting in CC Sabathia's folds of fat, the .222 average that Leigh Teixeira's lapdog brings to the ballpark (.194 career in the Fens), Joba, and the rest of the most expensive team money can buy.

That's right, boys and girls, the Yankees come to town tonight to kick off the weekend. In a weekend with the NFL Draft, NBA and NHL playoffs (I got this text from MN Preacher in response to my message about his Habs the other night "I'm on a silent spiritual retreat right now. But I got your message, and have to say, F#$% You. Go Habs!" No, really, he's someones spiritual leader), and all of the glory that is April Baseball, there is nothing that compares to Red Sox-Yankees.

When the two clubs played in Spring Training, I thought about how it didn't really pop to me at that point. The Pinstriped Assholes missed the playoffs last year, their pitching was suspect, and all of the guys we have grown to hate (Posada, A-Rod, Giambi, Matsui, The Traitor, Rivera, Etc.) were either gone or are aging so badly that worn out hookers turn them down.

Even the new guys don't impress me (OK, Sabathia's ability to move when he weighs 800 lbs is a bit impressive. There was no thrill to it. Their Captain and our two best position guys were playing together in the WBC (F#$% You WBC, Give me Daisuke back).

For the first time in a while, even in Spring Training, it didn't matter (though the Sox won).

Tonight, on the other hand, is a whole other story. The Sox and Yanks come in with identical 9-6 records, and the Sox have won their last 7 in a row (sorry for the lack of an update after the sweeps of the Twins and Canadiens the other day, I was playing Heroin Hero and couldn't catch the effing dragon).

The new Ass Hole of the Universe is giving the Yanks the idea that they can hit bombs at will, but leaving that launching pad that they call a stadium (and is empty because nobody can afford $2600 for a seat) will settle them down and leave their power numbers lagging on the road. Think Coors Field, only more evil.

These two teams are ready to bring the hate back in to their relationship with the latest midwinter battle seeing it's first glimpse of the jilted fenway crowd tonight. I will pay $100 to the man (or woman, those bitches can be nasty) who makes Teixeira cry. It's just too bad that Douche-Rod is going to miss this one because he is too busy making out with a mirror image of himself.

Chamberlain (I love when his fans call him Joba the Hut. Do they realize that they are comparing him to a giant slug who was killed by a chick in a metal bikini?) is pitching and his habit of throwing at Youk's head is eventually going to cause things to get interesting.

You just know at some point that The Beard That Should Not Be is going to jump off of his face and strangle Joba if he gets too close (Ortiz might do it for him). What happens when the Sox' bats get past the starters and into the Yanks' pen is going to tell the entire tale of this series, and possibly the season.

This weekend might have little effect on the standings (which are a lot clearer now that the Rays have returned to form), but it will go a long way to set the precedent for dominance in the division.

Oh, and the possibility of a B's - Rangers series in the next round makes me almost giddy.

I hope New York is ready for a giant dick slap this weekend.

Go Sox.

Done.

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The Boston Red Sox Bullpen Makes It All Better

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:35:04 -0400

This Article Originally Published On GetOutofMyBallpark.com

So after all that hand wringing, here we find ourselves. The Boston Red Sox, once 2-6 on the young season, are now 7-6 after a reacharound (yes, I mean reacharound, not wraparound, because the O’s took it in the pooper in every way possible this weekend) series sweep of the Orioles.

Is there anyone out there who still doesn’t believe that the strength of this team is the bullpen? There have been two games in the past week (the one where The Wiggler came down with Vaginitis, and Penny’s deuce on the mound Friday) where the pen saved us and we had a chance to win the games because of them, one of which we did win.

Here are the Stats:

Pitcher	W	L	Pct	G	GS	S	IP	H	R	ER	HR	TBB	K	ERA
MDC	0	0	-	6	0	0	8.1	5	0	0	0	5	5	0.00
Hunter Jones*	0	0	-	1	0	0	1.0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0.00
Ram Ram	1	0	1.000	6	0	0	8.1	3	0	0	0	1	4	0.00
PapelBeast	0	0	-	5	0	4	5.1	4	1	1	1	2	4	1.69
Masterson	1	0	1.000	5	1	0	11.1	11	4	4	0	3	10	3.18
Oki*	0	0	-	7	0	0	6.0	2	3	3	1	4	9	4.50
Javier Lopez*	0	1	.000	7	0	0	4.2	7	3	3	0	5	2	5.79
Takashi Saito	0	0	-	4	0	1	4.1	6	3	3	1	1	6	6.23

In 44 innings, minus Masterson’s 5.1 on Monday, the Sox bullpen has given up 13 runs and has a 2.65 ERA. Ram-Ram, who makes me not miss Coco at all, is spotless in 8-1/3 and has the best nickname on the team (come on, you have to admit it, whenever you hear some asshole like Jim Rome call Manny “Man-Ram” you think it sounds like what one of the sisters from Shawshank calls his cock).

Saito even stepped in for a save (albeit an adventurous one) the other night when Paps was unavailable.

As I said a few months ago , the bullpen is going to be the secret of the Sox’ success this season.

The rest of the division is full of uncertainty after their rotations (which don’t go eight deep like ours does either) and the Sox have a group of guys who all have proven track records and are showing at this early part of the season that they can hold down the back end if the starters can get them a lead.

The offense will be fine, there won’t be one guy with 50 HR but there will be about four with 30, and now that the club has some momentum the whole thing will come around. Even Ortiz (so stop bitching about moving him down in the lineup).

Julio Lugo and Mark Kotsay are playing in extended Spring Training games in Ft. Myers, The Wiggler is throwing right now, and Smoltz might be ready to throw a few innings by next week. Oh, and in case you didn’t catch this, there is a double header today.

That’s right girls and boys, we get two Red Sox games in one day. Timmmaaaahhhh Riblah takes the mound in the first game and Penny in the night cap.

Add that to the Bruins playing with the chance to sweep the Montreal Frogs out of the Molson Centre (has anyone noticed that there were 20,000 French guys waving white flags in the crowd there on Monday?), and the playoffs, tonight and this should be a good day to be a sports fan in Boston.

Go Sox. Go Bruins.

Done.

Read GetOutofMyBallpark.com Every Day For More Boston Sports Insight.

Celtics Vs. Bulls: Jesus Shuttlesworth Does It Again

GetOutofMyBallpark — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:28:26 -0400

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.Com

After a couple of pensive days waiting to see how the defending champs would respond to a Game 1 loss, the C's seem to have found their playoff legs. It took a good old fashioned 105-103 beating by the young Bulls team (a la Atlanta Hawks from a season ago) for the Celtics to wake up and smell the urgency. While it was by no means a pretty win Monday night, it will have to do as long as it means taking that momentum into Chicago.

Saturday afternoon was certainly forgettable. For a team with as much veteran presence as the Celtics have, it seemed like only Rajon Rondo, one of the youngest and newest, made the statement that he came to play. Pierce and Allen combined didn't even crack double digits in the first half. The highlight of course was the battle of two of the leagues premier guards, and what an afternoon it was for both of them.

Head to head and back and forth all game testing each others mettle, making impossible shots routine, and both putting their respective teams on their backs. Although Rose had the bigger scoring night (36 points) in his post season debut, Rondo (29 points) held his place with his own team high in scoring. More impressive is the fact that Rondo hasn't been groomed to be a scorer, but more of a play-maker. His aggressiveness being rewarded with unfettered access to the interior realms of the Bulls defense. It's funny how even 18-foot jump-shots have a chance of falling when you actually take them.

Unfortunately, the remaining two of the 'Big Three' didn't come to play with the same competitive fire. Ray was frustrated all night by double teams he couldn't shake, and contested shots that just wouldn't fall, leaving the All-Star with a paltry 4 point total in the first game of the playoffs at home. While Allen struggled Pierce, the floor general, ended with 23 hard fought points of his own, that just weren't enough. The crushing blow came with two seconds left. Pierce could of stolen the game with a make from the charity stripe, but missed his second of two free throws sending the game into overtime. There Tyrus Thomas dominated and the Bulls came away with the win.

After the shock and embarrassment settled in, and Game 2 was finally underway, the Celtics new that if they lost two in a row, it would be near impossible to reign the beast back in. Adjustments were made and from the outset it was clear the C's wouldn't have a rookie come into their house and tear it to shreds two games in a row. Rose got in early foul trouble and was forced to ride pine. Stepping into his place was Ben Gordon, UConn alum and scorer extraordinaire.

"Sugar" Ray Allen had only 2 points in the first half, and things wouldn't change until halftime when Doc asked for a volunteer. Ray stepped up to the plate knowing that a fellow Husky would surely steal the show if he didn't. The second half was just a stage for Gordon and Allen, the battle turning into an "anything you can do I can do better" contest.

It stayecd that way right down to the last second, when Ray came off a Glen Davis screen to hit the game winning three pointer. Both players had monster games, Gordon with a game high 42 points, and Allen with a total of 30 but those last three were the deciding factor and made up for the difference.

As spectacular a performance as Allen put on, it didn't come cheap. Leon Powe left the game with a sprained left knee and would not return, again leaving a large hole in the lineup inside the paint. The difference-maker was Rondo, who came to play again with his first triple-double of the playoffs. Though he was all-important in completing the win, he also went down with an ankle injury but returned and will likely suck it up and get treatment for the rest of the playoffs. Boston 118, Bulls 115.

With the series tied 1-1, the C's need to figure out what exactly is missing (other than a whole bunch of injured players) and quickly. Is it the sense of urgency and importance of every possession, or are they just to depleted for the long haul? Thursday night we'll all find out together. Stay tuned, 8 pm on TNT.

AngryBlackAle

P.S. Leon Powe Torn ACL and Meniscus, out for season. Bad to worse...

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Red Sox Vs. A's: Well...That Sucked

GetOutofMyBallpark — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 09:29:15 -0400

When we pitch, we don't hit. When we hit, we don't pitch. Most nights we don't do either. At least tonight we don't have to stay up until 2:37 A.M. to continue this nightmare that is the 2009 season.

With a Travis Buck infield single at 2:33 this morning (EST), the Red Sox lost their sixth game of the season, furthering the downward spiral that has engulfed much of New England.

As badly as this year has gone in the short (has it only been eight days, really?) start to the baseball season, DO and Jerry were actually commending people for staying up into extras last night.

The Wiggler fell to the ailment that we all know was going to hit him after pitching 14.2 innings in the WBC, vaginitis, as he left the game following the first. He was a lucky one.

Even Smoltz looked like he was freezing and in pain in the dugout as the game moved into the 12th. Dice-K (who is not cool enough to get a Transformer name at this point, unless it is Arcee) threw 43 pitches in an agonizing first inning, giving up five runs on five hits and two walks.

He then was lifted, walked up the tunnel, and left the game to his bullpen.

The team later reported to the press box that it was arm fatigue, to which our wonderful announcers immediately responded (probably just trying to talk us in off the ledge) that every pitcher goes through this in spring training.

Well, it's not spring training. He's probably out for the season, needs to have his arm amputated, and going to put a curse on the team for slighting him by saying he was tired.

Though the Sox dropped to 2-6 and continued many of the trends that have led to me waking up each morning and checking the standings just to make sure it wasn't some type of cruel nightmare, there were a few bright spots to last nights game/4.5 hour stomach punch.

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