Bleacher Report - Articles by Ladd

Where Is Michael Vick?

Ladd — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:59:04 -0400

Michael Vick has left federal prison so he can appear at a bankruptcy hearing next week.

“The U.S. Bureau of Prisons Web site showed Wednesday that Vick was no longer at the federal penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kan. It listed his status as ‘in transit.’

It was not clear when he left, or where he was. But two weeks ago, U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Frank Santoro demanded that Vick to testify at an April 2 hearing in Newport News about whether his Chapter 11 bankruptcy plan should be confirmed. Another judge issued a court order directing federal marshals to bring the former Atlanta Falcons quarterback to Virginia for the hearing.”

Oh, God damn. We are so screwed. Somebody needs to locate Jack Bauer immediately. He’s probably driving a van right now with his right hand while holding a tracking device in his left hand. And he has Chloe O’Brien on the other line telling him where Vick is and when all the traffic lights are gonna turn green. Eventually he’s gonna collide with Vick’s transit vehicle and rush Vick off to some secluded place where nobody can find him. Hurry! Time is of the essence.

Mel Kiper Hates Jay Cutler

Ladd — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:33:05 -0400

Mel Kiper continued his quest to ruin Jay Cutler’s life today. There comes a time when you cross the line from delusional to a-hole, and I think he crossed it. But oh no, not me. I will never toe that line.

This is from ESPN’s Tuesday with Mel Kiper Jr.:

Kiper says that Matt Cassel would have been an “upgrade” over Cutler and that Cutler is, to put it mildly, overrated.

“[Cutler] throws one pass, he’s a Hall of Famer,” Kiper says. “I’ve seen the media put him in the Hall of Fame. I had to run to the bathroom quick. It was making me ill. I’ve been hearing this overhype. I’ve been saying he’s overrated since day one. Everyone’s been pounding their chests saying, ‘Oh, I love Jay Cutler, I’m a genius.’ They have egg on their face now. Yeah, he’s got a strong arm, but my daughter knew he had a strong arm. She could’ve written that report.”

Let’s start with werewolves, because Mel looks like one. And attacking someone’s looks makes their argument weaker, which is why I do that.

What’s that crap on top of his head? I think he was born a wookie and had the hair on everything but the top of his head surgically removed.

Good, now that I did that, his argument is almost dead. There’s not much left to do. Let’s move to that part about Cassel being an upgrade over Cutler. Because that’s BS. Cassel is unproven and can’t throw a 10-yard out. Cutler can make all the throws, even the bad ones. And the really bad ones.

Which he only does because he is immature. But he will grow up eventually. He’s like a gorgeous red tomato that has been trapped in a bag for too long (read: sheltered hot chick who daddy protected until she went to college). Once it’s free, it’s party time.

And let’s discuss Mel’s daughter. Because he says she could’ve written a report on Cutler’s strong arm. That’s true actually. Nothing to say here. Because she did, in fact, write a report on my strong leg. You know, the third one that hangs between the other two. Woop!

And there you have it. Mel Kiper is off his rocker and should be subjected to some Singaporean form of legalized corporal punishment, such as caning. And then he should be belted. And hair dragged.

Original image via Hadleys Place

Michael Strahan Spies on His Girlfriend

Ladd — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:17:44 -0500

Michael Strahan’s girlfriend found out that he was spying, and she is not happy about it.

“Michael Strahan likes to keep really close track of his women. When the gap-toothed ex-Giant suspected his longtime girlfriend of cheating, he put a tracking device in her car—and went ballistic when she found it, sources told The Post.”

Michael, Michael, Michael. What’s wrong with you?

You know the rules of spying on a chick.

Before installing the tracking device in her car, you always look for physical evidence, check your bills for shady charges, and install spyware on her computer so you can read her emails.

And then you shake her up a little bit to see if she talks.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Torry Holt Doesn't Like St. Louis Anymore

Ladd — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 13:58:16 -0500

Torry Holt has asked the St. Louis Rams for his release.

“Holt, who has one year left on his current contract, is due a roster bonus of $1.25 million on March 17, making it unlikely he’ll remain on the roster beyond that date....Holt, 32, is currently 11th in NFL history in career receptions, with 869, and 14th all time in career receiving yards with 12,660.”

Of course Torry has asked the Rams for his release. The market is ripe for once-great old guys to cash in one last time.

But, like the subprime mortgage market, the old guy market is about to crash. Don’t doubt this; I was an internationally recognized economist in my former life.

But not one of those loser economists who cross their legs like a lady when they sit and barely have enough coordination to walk in a straight line without falling over.

I was still cool and sexy. Obviously.

Now watch me do this: Aging players [poor people] with diminishing skills [low earning capacity] don’t deserve multi-million dollar contracts [mortgages].

Aging players [poor people] realize this and are seeking to be released [seeking mortgages] in an effort to land another one of these ridiculously lucrative contracts that their peers are getting [houses that are out of their price range]. But the market has become flooded with old guys [poor people]. Which is why the old guy market [subprime mortgage market] is about to crash.

Ladies love it when I reason like that. Call me!

Matt Cassel Likes Bernard Pollard

Ladd — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 09:36:16 -0500

This is what Matt Cassel said about new teammate and Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard in his introductory press conference:

“Oh gosh. Now he is a teammate and I know that it wasn’t intentional. Nobody likes to see anybody go down, I’m sure including himself. I will talk to him and say hello, say thank you for the opportunity, but you never want to see anybody get hurt out there.”

I don’t get it. Why is everybody surprised that Cassel said this?

Wouldn’t he have had a clipboard and a very thin wallet for the rest of his life if Brady hadn't gotten hurt? And wasn’t Pollard the guy who injured Brady?

Doesn’t this mean that Pollard is responsible for his newfound riches? Stop playing mind games with me.

I’m very smart and exhibit grace under pressure. Like a Hemingway protagonist.

Acquiring Matt Cassel a Dumb Move for Kansas City Chiefs

Ladd — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 18:21:13 -0500

The Kansas City Chiefs have acquired QB Matt Cassel for the 34th overall pick in this year’s draft. Oh, and the Chiefs acquired LB Mike Vrabel too. But he’s 33, and basically over the hill, so that part of the deal is irrelevant.

This is from NFL.com:

“It is very easy to root for guys like Matt Cassel, who do everything the right way and flourish as a result,” Patriots coach Bill Belichick said in a statement. “As much as we would have loved to continue working with Matt, we wish him nothing but the best as he takes this next step forward in his career.”

I bet he said the same crap to his ex-wife, Debby Clarke, when he told her he wanted a divorce—only he added that he’d rather bang Detroit+Pistons+v+Boston+Celtics+Game+5/lNTXd3tfFao/Linda+Holliday" target="_blank">Linda Holliday.

Think of this as Belichick telling the rest of the world that Tom Brady is fine, and that Sand Cassel sucks. Which he does.

Belichick clearly tagged that bum to bait other teams, and it worked.

Kansas City is very dumb, and Bill Belichick is very smart—maybe even smarter than MacGyver.

Original image via Cerebus

Another QB Is Allegedly Gay

Ladd — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 22:50:42 -0500

Skip Bayless, the retard who, among other things, said Tim Tebow will be better than Brett Favre, is now re-alleging that Troy Aikman is gay.

This is from a Skip Bayless interview with The Starting Five:

“I wish I had sledgehammered [my comments] because it was the truth and everyone who knew what was going on inside the locker room told me the book was a terrific job and that I nailed it.

Because I did. It’s exactly what happened. All I heard from people around the country who didn’t read the book was, ‘You outed Troy Aikman?’

I didn’t. The coach definitely thought he was gay and a lot of his teammates thought he was gay. More than that, they thought he was racist and they thought he was trying to get Barry Switzer.

I basically think he did get Barry Switzer before it was over.

So those are the tales of my books.”

This is stupid. Almost every QB is allegedly gay. Like Jeff Garcia. And Tony Romo. And Brady Quinn. At this point, alleged QB gayness is like getting laid off. Or testing positive for steroids. If you were one of the first targets, it sucked. But now it’s so widespread that it’s understood. Kinda like genital human papillomavirus (HPV). Girls never ask if you have that anymore. Because it’s understood that you probably do.

Original image via 123People

Must Be Nice, Brandon Jacobs

Ladd — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 10:06:14 -0500

The New York Giants signed Brandon Jacobs to a four year, $25 million extension yesterday.

“I was confident all along that this was going to get done I didn’t panic one bit,” Jacobs said in a statement released by the team. “I know the reason we did it the way we did; I knew I was going to be here. I was super-confident and I am here. I’m happy about it.”

Good for you, Big Body. I always wonder what would go down as the happiest day of my life. Would it be signing a multi-million dollar contract? Or would it be sexin’ it with a beautiful celeb? Or getting married? Or having kids? Note: the last two are red herrings—my girlfriend told me she might be reading today so I had to.

Original image via Heath

Roger Goodell Is Too Strict

Ladd — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 09:47:12 -0500

In an effort to single-handedly bring us out of the financial apocalypse we’re living in, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell agreed to take a pay cut.

“Goodell, meanwhile, voluntarily took a cut of 20-25 percent from the $11 million salary and bonuses he was to receive in the 2008 fiscal year, which ends on March 31. He and other league executives are freezing their salaries for 2009.”

Aw. How nice. So now he’s making making about $8.5 million instead of $11 million. That’s about as useless as a handjob. Which is why I flatly refuse those.

So let’s try something meaningful instead, Roger. Like getting rid of your stupid Personal Conduct Policy. These guys grew up flashing guns, slapping women and slanging crack, and now you want them to just give it all up bc they made it to the NFL? That makes no sense. And it Fs up my fantasy world. Now I have to worry about my guys not getting injured or doing drugs. I probably have a better chance of meeting a 25 year-old virgin who cooks, cleans, shaves, and doesn’t speak.

PS - in case you’re looking for a particularly good photo of Goodell, don’t waste your time. He looked exactly the same in every GD pic I found.

Original image via Hail to the Deadskins

Who Does Mike Nugent Think He Is?

Ladd — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 15:57:50 -0500

Jets kicker Mike Nugent is acting like, well, not a kicker.

“Kicker Mike Nugent has declined an offer from the Jets to return and will test the free-agent market, The Star-Ledger has learned.

‘I have so much respect for the organization and my teammates, but I feel it might be time for me to move on.

(General manager) Mike (Tannenbaum,) (director of football operations) Ari (Nissim,) and the coaches have been incredibly understanding of my decision process and I am really grateful to them.’”

Who do you think you are, Nuge? You’re not a quarterback. Or a receiver. Or a running back. Or even an NFL player, really.

You’re a kicker. You’re the NFL’s version of a Chinese concubine.

You have limited rights. Your status is recognized, but only minimally. You don’t go off into the wild, you take what you can get.

That said, I have nothing against Chinese concubines. They are very loyal. And they have great feet.

Original image via Pero

Shaun Rogers Should Be Upset

Ladd — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 15:38:36 -0500

Shaun Rogers was upset with Browns coach Eric Mangini. Now he’s really upset with Mangini.

"Rogers has grown so disenchanted with the situation in Cleveland that he has asked the Browns not to pick up the $6 million option-bonus payment due to him next month, a source close to the defensive tackle said. Rogers would rather be released after one season with the Browns, despite still being owed another $15 million in guaranteed money.

"Some of Rogers’ feelings stem back to two offseason incidents in which he believes Mangini disrespected him. The first time, Mangini walked into the Browns’ training room and failed to say hello to Rogers. The next time, at a public charity function in which both men were in the green room, neither said hello to the other, and Mangini later said he didn’t know Rogers was there."

Many are saying that Shaun Rogers is being too sensitive, and that he’s stupid for turning down $6 million over this.

No way. You can’t put a price on hellos.

It’s like in high school when a pretty girl you knew was walking towards you. You slowed down and made eye contact. She saw you in the corner of her eye but pretended she didn’t. But then she stopped. Thirty seconds later. To talk to the kid who just beat the crap out of you the day before.

I mean, that never happened to me, but I can imagine how hurtful that must be. I feel your pain, Shaun. I really do.

Wait, crap. That’s something else I’m feeling.

Original image via Lampoon Journal

Donovan McNabb: Think Big

Ladd — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 09:48:09 -0500

Earlier in the week it was reported is that McNabb wants the E

thatagles to sign one of three players.

“McNabb would be happy with guys like Anquan Boldin, Tony Gonzalez or T.J. Houshmanzadeh but he’s not going to be happy with somebody’s discarded number two or number three receiver.”

That’s weird. Former New York Giants guard Roy Simmons said the same thing the other day. But he was talking about sex.

And why isn’t McNabb pleading for either Housh or Boldin and T Gonz? Think big. Not enough cap room and general infeasibility are not acceptable answers.

Imagine Donvo’s first play with Westie, Boldin/Housh, DeSean Jackson, and T Gonz. Donvo would get in the huddle. Then he would pull out of the huddle and puke. Then he would get back in the huddle and call the play. Then he would drop back and pop a boner bc everyone would be running free.

The best part is we would finally get closure on Donvo. If he wins the Super Bowl with this squad, well then obviously he goes down as one of the greats. If he comes up short with all those weapons, then he goes down as very good but not great. It would be that simple.

Original image via Daisies

With The Third Pick In The 2009 Fantasy Football Draft, Laddy Selects…

Ladd — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 09:45:32 -0500

Mr. Maurice Jones-Drew! That’s right. MJD is for me.

Unless you play in a retard league, A Pete will go No. 1. Burner Turner will probably go second.

That means the (wo)man in the three-hole will likely be choosing from guys like Westbrook, Forte, Portis, S. Jax, CJ, DeAngelo, and MJD.

All of these guys had solid years last year. Except S. Jax and his pulled penis. And all of these guys were durable. Except S. Jax and his pulled penis.

So why MJD? Process of elimination, of course. Have I ever known the right answer to a question? No. I just know a lot of wrong answers.

Like when a regular girl and a prostitute are both fighting for my attention. I usually choose the regular girl. Because prostitutes are usually more expensive. It’s as easy as that.

S. Jax is wrong because he’s injury prone. And the Rams suck. And he’s a blogger. That would be like Laddy dating Laddy. Which doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.

The one thing S. Jax has going for him is that he plays in the NFC West. But that’s not enough to warrant a selection at No. 3.

Westbrook is wrong because he just doesn’t feel right. He’s almost 30. He disappeared a lot last year, and it should only get worse as he gets older. All bets are off if the Eagles make some big FA acquisitions.

CJ is wrong because he’s a second year man. He has serious skills, but I just haven’t seen quite enough to take him this high. And Fatty White eats a lot of chocolate-covered donuts. Which is code for TDs. And Kerry Collins sucks. I can’t have my best player linked to that bum.

Forte is wrong for all the same reasons as CJ. Just replace “Kerry Collins” with “Kyle Orton”. But Forte has some serious skills also. I just can’t take him at No. 3.

Portis is wrong because body can’t handle too many more poundings. And his style requires getting pounded. He can’t avoid it. There’s a good pornstar joke to be made here, but I refuse to bite the hands that feed me.

DeAngelo is the wildcard. He was a stud last year. He looked fast. Blazing fast. And Carolina looked good. Until Jake’s bionic arm fell off in the playoffs. Which is why I can’t pull the trigger on DeAngelo. Jake F’ing Delhomme. That bum. And Jonathan Stewart’s presence doesn’t help either. All bets are off if the Panthers find a QB or Stewart breaks a leg.

This makes MJD ripe for the picking. He had almost 1,400 total yards last year and 14 TDs. And it should only get better now that Fred’s gone. He’s really never been injured and has the kind of smash-mouth attitude that can lead a fantasy team to the holy land. Garrard, the coked-up WRs, and the tough AFC South worry me just a tad. But only like cold sore worried. Not blisters worried.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. And again. Get yourself some of that MJD!

Marvin Harrison Goes Bye-Bye

Ladd — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:20:27 -0500

Marvin Harrison was officially released by the Colts today.

But wait. Colts owner Jim Irsay sounded so sincere when he said this yesterday:

“Marvin and I are talking (today) at mid-afternoon and we’ll see where we go from there. I’m not going to start talking like he’s not here, because nothing’s been determined officially by any stretch.”

“Asked if it still were possible for Harrison to remain with the Colts, Irsay replied, ‘Definitely.'”

“It’s a special circumstance. It’s a player and an owner, two partners who have been together for a long, long time. We’re going to talk through everything and be certain that the direction we go is the right one for both of us.”

That was touching, Irsay, but who were you trying to fool? It’s like when girls ask us to put on a condom and we say “no, just the tip.” Yeah right. Like that ever happens.

Original image via Pinkster

LenDale White Doesn't Mess Around

Ladd — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:55:05 -0500

As you’ve probably read here, here, here or here, LenDale White went to work on a white male with his belt on Valentine’s Day.

“According to the police report, White…, ‘began striking the victim with a belt and belt buckle’ before the parties got in their vehicle and fled. [The poor white guy] required hospitalization for lacerations, the offense report stated.”

I know exactly what LenDale was thinking. Why risk injuring my precious fists when I can smash this fool with this 58″ piece of reptile skin I have wrapped around my waist.

It’s kinda like what I do when I see a nice looking woman eying me up at the bar. Which is most of the time. If not always. I don’t risk ruining it by walking over and talking to her.

Instead I whip out a lasso. Then I throw it at the target, tighten, and yank. Then I toss the B in the potato sack that I keep with me at all times and politely ask her if she wants to go back to her place. Chicks dig that. Trust me.

Please Stop the Franchise Tag Epidemic in the NFL

Ladd — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 09:23:02 -0500

I realize that yesterday was the league deadline, but what the hell is going on with these franchise tags?

Was it really necessary to bombard us with crap like this all day and night?

“The San Diego Chargers placed the non-exclusive franchise tag on Darren Sproles on Wednesday, virtually assuring that the speedy little running back-returner will be back next season.”

And crap like this:

“The Tennessee Titans slapped the franchise tag on tight end Bo Scaife on Thursday, just a couple of hours before the league deadline.”

And more crap like this:

“Pittsburgh Steelers offensive tackle Max Starks received the team’s franchise tag Thursday—even though he isn’t guaranteed a job as a starter.”

Now watch me do this.

Franchise tags are for franchise players. Franchise players are athletes around whom the franchise can build the team. Darren Sproles, Bo Scaife, and Max Starks are not players around whom their respective franchises can build their team. Therefore, they are not worthy of franchise tags.

Did you see that?! Former SAT prep teacher who taught me nothing, are you reading? I just logically reasoned.

But really, somebody needs to put an end to this franchise tag endemic. Or epidemic. Or pandemic. Whichever is the worst.

It’s like that rash that was going around in college. And then again three years after college. And then again...wait...I gotta go, just put an end to it!

Original image via Oropeza.

ESPN Missed One: Why JaMarcus Russell's Contract Is the Worst in NFL History

Ladd — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 09:17:52 -0500

ESPN’s Thomas Neumann created a list of the 10 worst contracts in NFL history. Michael Vick was No. 1 on the list with $37 million in guaranteed money.

This list is BS. OK, so Vick’s contract turned out to be pretty bad, but mostly because he chopped up a bunch of dogs. Who saw that coming? It’s like trying to predict that Pamela Anderson would eventually become a man. You can’t predict that.

That’s why JaMarcus Russell’s contract is worse. At least Vick had some talent at one point. JaMarcus sucked from the very beginning, and we all saw it coming (except the Raiders scouts and Mel Kiper, of course). He can’t even throw a screen pass GD! Six years, $61 million, $32 million guaranteed for that crap? Come on. That’s robbery.

JaMarcus’ only hope is if he needs glasses but doesn’t know it yet. Like Wild Thing. If he has perfect vision or already wears contacts, then he’s completely effed.

Original image via Grace.

Chris Cooley Says He's Better Than Jason Witten

Ladd — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 21:13:50 -0500

Chris Cooley thinks he’s better than Jason Witten.

"[When] asked by a member of the wildly enthusiastic senior class (one of whom will win a $25,000 scholarship thanks to the Redskins' standout) if he was better than Dallas’ Jason Witten...Cooley hesitated, smiled, and said, 'I think I’m better. ... He doesn’t run after the catch very well.'"

At first, this statement seems retarded. But Cooley may actually have a point. Witten gets all the attention because he’s in Dallas, but their numbers are very similar.

Both TEs are 26. Witten had 950 yards and four TDs last year. Cooley had 850 yards and one TD. But TDs are arbitrary. Just like good looks. It’s completely random that I’m this good-looking. It could’ve been anyone. TDs are sorta the same.

And don’t forget Witten has a quarterback who can actually throw the ball. And Witten has all kinds of sexual chemistry with this quarterback who can actually throw the ball. And Cooley takes pics of his tip—that has to count for something.

Witten is gonna go high next year, and Cooley is gonna slip. Give me Christopher; he won’t disappoint.

Original image via DB King

Poor Marvin: Harrison to Be Released By Colts

Ladd — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 09:32:44 -0500

Adam Shefter is reporting that the Colts will release Marvin Harrison any day now.

“It’s no longer a question of if Harrison, 36, will be let go. It has become a question of when. It will happen in the coming days, certainly before the new league year starts a week from Friday, but few are sure exactly when.

"But make no mistake: It is happening. The Colts no longer can afford to carry Harrison, who is scheduled to have a $13.4 million number for an Indianapolis team that is starving for more salary-cap room to deal with free-agents-to-be such as CB Kelvin Hayden.

"If the Colts were to release Harrison, his $13.4 million number instantly would come off the books, saving the team $7 million against the cap. Harrison still would count $6.4 million in dead money, but more importantly, there would be the $7 million savings.”

I guess Colts coach Jim Caldwell was part of that same conversation about taking a dump on all the old guys’ heads. We’ll miss you, Marv. You were a good man.

Original image via Philadelphia-Shooting" target="_blank">Hub Pages

LJ Loves That Spicy Chilli

Ladd — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 09:30:33 -0500

You’ve probably read that LJ is hooking it with Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas (formerly of TLC) about nine times yesterday.

But the question is who is to blame for a nice girl like Rozonda falling for a slap happy has-been like Larry? Yep, you guessed it. Sally Jessy Raphael, of course.

You knew Chilli would eventually wind up with the biggest asshole in the room once she poured her heart out to Sally Jessy about growing up without a father.

Missing father = slutty girl with tattoo on lower back who enjoys dating guys who treat them like crap. It’s like clockwork.

Original image via Dyfuse

Tom Brady: New England's Week 1 Starter?

Ladd — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:48:55 -0500

Tom Brady said he’s on track to play in week one of the 2009 NFL season.

“You wouldn’t know I had surgery if you watched us," Brady said.

Brady said he felt he’d be ready for mini-camps and training camp.

"(Head coach Bill Belichick) never likes us to forecast anything," said Brady. "It’s like me asking you guys where you’re going to be doing your job in eight months. I certainly think so. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t. I wish it was right around the corner.’”

I thought about how to make this interesting for the past 30 minutes, but it’s just not gonna happen.

Wait. Gisele. Boobs. Gisele’s boobs!

But how do I find those? Wait. Epic Carnival has photos of Gisele’s boobs! Click here to see Gisele’s interesting boobs. Sorry Tom.

And Tom, I don’t know if you’ve picked up a newspaper over the past year, but it’s pretty obvious where we’re all going to be doing our jobs in eight months.

On the couch!

Original image via Rooney

How Dare You Challenge Me, Mike Singletary

Ladd — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:31:24 -0500

After being told that he is out of his GD mind for considering Michael Vick (no, not because he killed dogs…because he sucks!), 49ers coach Mike Singletary spoke before a crowd of season ticket holders:

“When I look around the NFL, I’m amazed by how many people have a dream and how few have a vision,” he said. "The difference is that a dream ends up being passive, accommodating disappointment. A vision captures the imagination. A vision is something that consumes you like a fire, won’t let you eat, won’t let you sleep until that vision comes to pass.”

That’s very deep, Mike—it’s good to know that you read Help Globe. And that is not the definition of “vision”. That is the definition of porn. Which is why I will never watch it. Bah.

When asked about Jimmy Raye, the new coordinator, Singletary said this:

“Just watch. If you look on paper, I wouldn’t get excited about Jimmy Raye...But just watch. I challenge you to step back and see what happens right for the 49ers now.”

OK, I accept your challenge Mike. I can’t wait to see what happens now that you have a crap QB, crap WRs, a McBusty TE, and you for a coach.

Actually, I can guess what will happen. Tell me if I’m right. You will lose. Then you will lose again. Then you will lose your sh!t at a press conference once more and look stupid. Then you will lose again. And then you will get fired.

Original image via The Wizard of Odds

Channing Crowder Wants More Money

Ladd — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:07:19 -0500

Miami Dolphins LB Channing Crowder and his agent think he’s worth more than what the 'Fins are currently offering. I don’t know what Miami is offering, but I do know that Crowder’s very dumb. I know this because he once said this:

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.”

“I know [Washington Redskins linebacker] London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

Even though I know he’s dumb, I’m still surprised that he thinks he’s worth the big bucks already.

He had no interceptions, no sacks, no defensive touchdowns, and one forced fumble last season.

So what if he had 113 total tackles and 92 solo tackles? Tackles are like conversations.

I had 1,460 conversations last year. I counted them. Of the 1,460, I started 14. The other 1,446 were started by other people, mostly by my annoying neighbor who asked every Sunday why she kept hearing loud bangs followed by the words, “Get on the damn field, McFadden!”

My retarded point is that tackles can be misleading. It’s one thing to initiate 113 tackles, but it’s another to drop a guy when he runs right into your chest after blowing by the front line.

I understand that you’d like to get paid, Channing.

But please remember that you’re a Florida boy who hasn’t yet reached superstar status. Stick with the 'Fins, you’ll thank me later.

Original image via Cube

Update: Marshawn's In MORE Trouble

Ladd — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 09:20:12 -0500

Police are now saying they found a gun and pot after searching the car that Buffalo Bills running back Marshawn Lynch was in last week.

“They (officers) knocked on the window of the car," said Police Captain Takenson. "Someone unrolled the window. They saw three people in the car and they could smell a strong odor - marijuana coming from the car. They had the occupants exit so they could further investigate to see if there was any marajuana in the car. What they found were four, not marajuana cigarettes - what they call blunts or swisher sweets that appeared to contain marijuana in them."

First of all, of course there was pot in the car! We’re talking about a high profile athlete here. It should be a surprise if there wasn’t pot in the car. And second of all, who does Tankenson think he’s fooling? “What they call blunts or swisher sweets,” like these things are unidentified flying objects or something. Unless he doubles as a math geek who wears a bow tie and suspenders with a huge metal rod shoved up his hoohoo, there’s about, um, a zero percent chance that he hasn’t experimented at least once or twice in his life.

What this all means for Lynch is simple. He’s screwed. Just like that 5′3″ anorexic babysitter I saw this morning who was managing to walk the little kid she was watching on a leash in one hand and an 80 lb. dog in the other hand until they both decided to run in opposite directions at the same time. That’s a bone crusher.

Jamal Lewis Has Surgery to Cleanup Ankle

Ladd — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 09:16:52 -0500

Jamal Lewis NFL&hl=139374&rwr=1" target="_blank">recently had cleanup surgery on his “ankle”. Yeah right, like I’m gonna fall for that one. He obviously had lipo on his fat belly.

Hopefully, he didn’t go to Brazil for the lipo procedure. Who knows what the hell doctors are doing in that country, right Usher? Then again, I guess going to Brazil and getting chopped up by some butcher disguised as a doctor would serve as karma for drugging half of America.

Surgery or no surgery, please do not draft Jamal next year, unless you are either trying to lose on purpose or have some type of sick fat fetish that involves watching obese men run into large piles. And no, that doesn’t mean I’ll be drafting him next year. I said “men”, not “women”.

Jerry Jones Hasn't Decided What To Do With T.O. Yet

Ladd — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:47:14 -0500

When asked about Terrell Owens’ future with the team today, Jerry Jones wasn’t willing to confirm that T.O. will be playing for the Cowboys next year.

The subject changed from music to football with a question about whether Owens will be on the roster when Strait takes the stage June 6. Jones was ready with the explanation that “we’re evaluating our entire roster.”

“There are several decisions on our roster we have to look at,” Jones said. “This is the time of year we do that. I’m not trying to be trite, but as you all know we’re evaluating players in college, we’re evaluating free agents. and we’re evaluating our own roster. This is an ongoing thing, not any different than this time last year. Our roster is our roster. Changes to that are pure, pure speculation.”

Jerry, can we evaluate you? If all 300 something milion people in the country feel that your ownership badge should be revoked, will you agree to jump on Falkor the luckdragon’s back and fly away for good? If so, I will start collecting the proxies. It would be well worth my time.

Original image via Iconocast

Culpepper May Start, Yawn

Ladd — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:27:21 -0500

Daunte Culpepper NFL&hl=139358" target="_blank">reworked his contract, so everybody is talking about the possibility of him starting for the Lions again. Like I’ve said, who gives a sh!t! It doesn’t matter.

All the Lions need to do is assemble a respectable defense, build the O-line, and let Daunte drop back and look around a little bit so it actually looks like he’s doing something.

Then tell him to throw it as far as he can in Megatron’s direction. On second thought, it doesn’t even need to be in Megatron’s direction.

Just tell him to throw it as far as he can, in-bounds, and Mega will catch it.

Anybody who can throw the ball more than 50 yards down field is capable of doing that, except JaMarcus Russell of course.

That guy is dumber than the Staples website that asked me to print out the receipt of purchase for the toner cartridge I just bought for my printer. I don’t have any ink damnit!

Original image via Gitsul

Deuce McAllister Out, Pierre Thomas In

Ladd — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:04:55 -0500

“The New Orleans Saints, as expected, parted ways with long-time running back Deuce McAllister by giving him his release Tuesday.”

I guess some of the angry coaches around the league, like Jack Del Rio and Sean Payton, got together this weekend and decided to take dumps on all the old guys’ heads.

While this isn’t good news for Deuce, it opens the door for the PT Cruiser, Pierre Thomas. We all know Reggie Bush can’t carry the load, partly because he’s a siss and party because the little bastard goes to work on KK’s bdunkadunk like a doctor six times per day. Pierre Thomas amassed 600 yards and 9 TDs last year, mostly after week 10. Payton loves the Cruiser and will definitely give him a lot of work next year.

The annoying thing is people love to draft Saints. It’s the Katrina sympathy factor, combined with Sean Payton’s stupid playbook, combined with Drew Brees’ obsession with throwing eighty times per game.

Hopefully, everyone will jump on the Reggie train so Pierre slips a bit. I’d start planting the Bush seeds in a couple months and hope people bite.

You know, every time you’re out with your buddies, throw in a line about how great Reggie is. Or send the other owners in your league a couple YouTube videos of Reggie’s highlights. Or make up rumors that Pierre pulled a hammy. Or kidnap those who you know will draft PT early and replace them with Reggie lovers. Or go for the kill and buy the two or three people who are drafting around you Kim and Ray J’s sex tape.

And speaking of Ray J, I would just like to thank him for inviting that lovely lady who does the crazy human banana split booty pound to appear on his show. That move changed me forever. So thank you and G-d bless.

R.I.P, Fred Taylor, Hello, Maurice Jones-Drew

Ladd — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 20:35:43 -0500

Fred Taylor was released by the Jags today after running almost six and a half miles over the course of his career (11,271 yards). Wait, that’s it? This stupid iPhone—the calculator was the only icon that I had never touched, so I got all excited because I thought this would be the first and only time I would use it or attempt to do any kind of math.

So, I spent 45 minutes converting yards to miles only to find that he ran a measly 6.4-something miles over the past 11 years? I could do that in like three weeks. I was expecting to find that he ran around the world twice, or at least ran around the damn neighborhood.

And yes, I realize this should’ve only taken me two minutes to figure out. But I’m very dumb. It’s not my fault. It’s Aunt Betty’s fault. She’s the one who convinced my parents to do homeschooling. Why my parents would ever take the advice of a lady with a Buddha tattooed on her left cheek is beyond me.

Anywho, this is from an ESPN story: “Del Rio said it was time to turn the offense over to [Maurice] Jones-Drew, a 5'7" dynamo who has scored 40 touchdowns in three years. Former second-round pick Greg Jones is also expected to see more touches.”

I loved MJD before this news broke, so you can only imagine how much I like him now. And despite the love I have for Freddy T., it’s nice to see Jax making moves to better the team. Just like that, MJD makes a great pick in the early first, although I’m going to take a closer look at his Week 14-16 schedule before pulling the trigger.

Original image via MugDish

Marshawn Lynch in Trouble, Arrested on Firearms Charge

Ladd — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 23:41:25 -0500

Marshawn Lynch was NFL&hl=139272" target="_blank">arrested last week for possession of a concealed (and loaded) firearm.

Dammit Marshawn, wtf are you doing?! You were looking oh so good as a No. 2 running back for next year, then you had to go and screw it up. You were perfectly positioned as a late second round steal after lulling people to sleep with over 1,300 total yards and nine TDs this year.

Now what am I supposed to do with you? This is your second run-in with the law in the past year. Dictator Goodell is probably going to suspend you, especially in light of Plax’s situation.

I can’t trust you anymore, but I am going to give you one more chance. There is something about you and all the other running backs with dreads that makes me believe. After you get suspended, you’ll slip even further in the draft, which will give you a nice risk to reward ratio.

Just do me a favor and stop being a retard before you throw a promising career down the drain!