Bleacher Report - Articles by Eric Jackson

College Football: Big 12 Teams As Asian Countries

Eric Jackson — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 16:46:31 -0400

After discovering and posting "SEC Teams as Middle-Eastern Countries" and writing "Big-10 Teams as European Countries," a multitude of requests for yet another comparison flowed into my inbox. The most frequent request was for "Pac-10 Teams as Asian Countries." For months I've agonized over which school best fit what country.

Since that time, I've come to a quick conclusion. Nobody really cares about the Pac-10. Oh, except the Pac-10...sorry. Every year USC gets the rap that they shouldn't be ranked as high as they are because the Pac-10 is weaker than rainwater. I concur. It's like Chuck Liddell taking all comers in a kindergarten classroom.

So, what's the hottest conference in the land? The Big 12 of course! And like Asia, there is much turmoil, strife and ancient grudges. What better match could there be?

Baylor: Bangladesh

A football wasteland. Poor and no hope for the future...always waiting for the next disaster.

Colorado: Nepal

Ahhh, Nepal. Fifty square miles surrounded by reality. Full of tree-huggers and granola types. Everyone likes to talk about Nepal, but the place really doesn't matter when it comes down to it.

Iowa State: Burma

Burma, home of the Cyclones...or Tsunamis...or whatever. Another wasteland.

Kansas: North Korea

For years they were considered the bottom end of the continent. Severely disliked by nearly everyone because of their attitude, yet no one really respects them when it comes right down to it. Their leader is feared; he just looks like he could eat your baby, and that freaks people out and earns him undue respect.

Kansas State: Cambodia

A once great nation that is mentioned every now and then in hushed tones. Today everyone just shakes their heads and stares at the ground seeming to say, "Oh, the humanity!"

Missouri: South Korea

A rising power, Korea is known for their high output and lack of defensive ability. While showing much promise, there is still something fundamentally unsound South Korea.

Nebraska: Japan

Formerly a militaristic nation bent on the submission and destruction of surrounding lands, Japan was convinced of its total superiority. Today, still a homogenized society, Japan has grown enamored with the ways of the West, and change is inevitable. Now suffering from a decade-long recession, Japan has taken a backseat to China and India in the eyes of the world. Seems as though they have been adrift since their much revered leader moved on.

Oklahoma: China

Despised by most of Asia and the world, they have a long history of sadistic and despotic rulers. China has risen to great power at several times throughout history. Now, rising again, they seemingly fail and look completely inept at the most unexpected times. Given to cheating, trickery, and outright theft. Massive infrastructure projects are underway in preparation for world domination. Everyone is scared of what they might do next, but that day never seems to come.

Oklahoma State: Taiwan

The small next-door neighbor of the China, Taiwan could be crushed by the Red Chinese in mere minutes.

Texas: India

A vast, hot, and overcrowded land. Their multitudes revere cows and are difficult to take seriously because of their funny accents when they speak English. Everyone will have to speak to one of their citizens eventually because their advances in technology have seemingly made them universal. Indians have a severe dislike for Pakistanis. The feeling is mutual.

Texas A&M: Pakistan

The rest of the world doesn't really know where this place is, but they assume it can't be good if it ends in "-stan." At constant odds with India, yet weak and insubstantial. Its leaders have difficulty not being assassinated because of stupid mistakes and misplaced allegiances.

Texas Tech: Thailand

A hot, murky and strange land that does things in a slightly different manner. Bring protection if you're staying overnight.

College Football: Big Ten Teams As European Countries

Eric Jackson — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 07:19:07 -0400

I recently posted the article "College Football: SEC Teams as Middle Eastern Countries." I didn't write it, but considered it truly a great analogy, as did several others who responded to it.

About two weeks later, I received an email from a reader, Rahul Nemani: "I thought the article you wrote about the SEC was hilarious. I was wondering if you could write a similar article on the Big Ten with a possible comparison to Europe because of the conference's age."

I'm not as informed about the Big 10 as I am about the SEC. With what little I already knew, a little bit of research, and Rahul's idea and sage consulting (he's a student at Michigan); I present to you: "Big 10 Teams as European Countries."

Europe has a rich, storied past...which is where it remains...in the past. They think they're still the most important region in the world, but everyone knows that the Middle East has a wealth of riches and is now calling the shots for the foreseeable future.

Europe added to its member nations, but refused to change it's name even though it makes no sense to call it that anymore. (Maybe Europe needs to work on its math skills?)

Russia, the country everyone loves to hate, is still not a member of the European Union and wants to be independent. Frankly, they're a threat to no one at the moment and are led by an arrogant asshole who is only a step away from being whacked by the do-anything-to-win Russian Mafia.

ILLINOIS: Greece

Once a powerhouse, now little more than an insignificant clan of people who talk funny and complain a lot.

INDIANA: Ireland

A very proud people who tend to overlook certain types bad behavior. Using the f-word repeatedly is acceptable.

IOWA: Ukraine

Detached from the rest of Europe and really should be part of Asia. Covered with corn fields. Appeared to be emerging as a regional power, but returned to mediocrity very quickly.

MICHIGAN: Germany

A rich history, tons of talent, but a tendency to employ leaders who are power-crazed, loud-mouthed lunatics who always seem to louse things up. Germany's citizens are always ready to tell you they're superior. When asked about recent history, they tend to get quiet quickly.

MICHIGAN STATE: Austria

Germany's slow, loud, self-conscious and far less accomplished neighbor.

MINNESOTA: Sweden

Liberal whack jobs covered in snow.

NORTHWESTERN: Netherlands

Citizens of other European countries (and the world) come here to get stoned and drunk, ravage the natives, then leave.

OHIO STATE: France

Pound for pound the most insufferable, arrogant pricks on the planet. Weak leaders who appear to be accomplices in their humiliating defeats. Holding their own against Germany at the moment, but everyone knows it's only a matter of time before the tanks are rolling again.

PENN STATE: United Kingdom

Used to run the world. Run by a beloved, geriatric figurehead who simply refuses to retire.

PURDUE: Norway

The secret to Norway's marginal success is that it's so boring, no one pays it any attention.

WISCONSIN: Poland

Filled with hulking pasty-white drunks with "ski" at the end of their last name. Looks tough, but easily rolled. Lots of jokes are made at their expense.

College Football: SEC Teams as Middle Eastern Countries

Eric Jackson — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:50:12 -0400

Southeastern Conference football is often regarded as one of the most competitive, and rivalry-rich, conferences in America.

As a Tennessee alumnus who has watched every team on this list play at least once, I can tell you that there are few things quite like the passion displayed in SEC rivalries.

If you don't know that much about the teams in the SEC, but you're a history buff like I am, this rundown of SEC teams as Middle Eastern countries may help you better understand the SEC...

(note: my apologies for not making it known up front that this is one of those forwarded-multiple-times jokes I received via email. For the life of me I've been unable to find who originally wrote it. I had it in my first draft of this post to state that...and deleted it in my giddy rush to publish it. Nonetheless, it's sheer brilliance...certainly not from my head)

ALABAMA: Saudi Arabia

Once a proud kingdom, torn up by fighting and surrounded by Iran and Iraq (see below), with an a$$hole in Al-Qaeda hell bent on bringing them down.

LSU: Iran

Current superpower in the region but it will all come crashing down because they have a highly functioning retard as a leader.

TENNESSEE: Iraq

Got a bunch of history but the country as a whole is going in the tank and they will kill themselves off before it's all over.

FLORIDA: Syria

Evil douchebags who will stoop to whatever level they need to win. No real history to speak of but thinks they are the cradle of civilization.

GEORGIA: Kuwait

Tons of riches and unrealized potential, but still vulnerable to Iraq.

AUBURN: Al Qaeda

No country, just a movement of disgruntled fanatics who live to blow up those who are more fortunate. No other goal in life than to bring down the House of Saudi Arabia. Terrorizing the Arabians for six years is the crowning achievement in their history. Signing day was a major setback to the movement. They'll be looking for a new leader soon.

ARKANSAS: Palestinian territories

No one really cares or worries about them unless they can be of some use (i.e. winning a battle once in a while against Iran that causes a bit of shake up in rankings)

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Qatar

Where the hell is Qatar?

OLE MISS: Afghanistan

Not much going for it, but hot women.

VANDERBILT: Israel

Just leave them alone for God's sake. What did they ever do to you?

KENTUCKY: Morocco

Not really part of the Middle East. Has other things to do than fight (or play football)

SOUTH CAROLINA: Libya

Has a charismatic leader in a land of nothingness. Will rattle his word but knows he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to back it up with.

Adam "Pacman" Jones isn't Worth the Trouble: Just Axe Him...or Jeff Fisher

Eric Jackson — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 11:26:40 -0400

Adam "Pacman" Jones made a guest appearance Tuesday on Michael "Cokehead Whoremonger" Irvin’s radio show. The fact that Pacman Jones and Michael Irvin were in the same studio together was enough to make planets start colliding with one another...but what Pacman had to say was priceless:

"I can help them win," Pacman said of the Cowboys. "That ain't no problem. I'm good for two wins a year by myself."

I'm with ya, Pac. At least two. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of Nashville. I hear the strippers take a punch much better in Dallas anyway...and the police...they're soft all over Texas.

Vanderbilt Superior to "The University of Tennessee"

Eric Jackson — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 05:34:16 -0400

Many of you outside of Tennessee are unaware of the dichotomy that exists within our state. The University of Tennessee and Vanderbilt University stand in stark contrast to one another. Below is a comparison of the two schools.

Location
Nashville, the Athens of the South, is the cradle of education in the State of Tennessee. Vanderbilt University is her crown jewel. Unfortunately, Nashville is also within the state of Tennessee. This means the inevitable association with that third-rate public institution to the East, the "University of Tennessee."

The lower-education institution, also known as "UT," is located in the heart of redneck, NASCAR-loving East Tennessee; Knoxville. It is a barely functioning example of the third world within the United States. Mostly run by moronic, witless idiots, Knoxville and surrounding counties are overrun with inbred "Jethro Nation" hillbillies. The rich ones have outhouses.

Campus
Vanderbilt University is as close to Harvard as you can get without actually going to Cambridge, Massachussets. Filled with a multitude stately academic buildings—the finest that architecture can produce —and massive magnolia trees, Vanderbilt's campus is the only font of moral and intellectual superiority within 500 miles. Athletic facilities are located on the fringes of campus.

Jethro Nation worships at two hideously constructed leviathans known as Neyland Stadium and Thompson-Boling Arena. This is where UT's "student athletes" do battle with the other football factories in the Southeastern Conference. Orange clad "Sidewalk Alumni" idiots fill these overblown double-wides on game day, frothing at the mouth for a victory; clamoring for humiliating defeat of their opponent. There are also a few other brick buildings on campus. What goes on within those buildings is unknown.

Athletics
Vanderbilt University has a storied men's baseball program. The women's bowling team earned back-to-back national titles! They're hoping for a "three-peat" this year. The admission records of these women will be double-checked to make sure they're all future Rhodes Scholars and that none were admitted for their bowling prowess alone.

Only one thing matters at the University of Tennessee: FOOTBALL. Beyond that, they really don't care. "Academics" is a cover for the activity on campus that is solely designed to produce SEC championships and arrest records.

Game Day
Wealthy Vanderbilt alumni and their genteel families gather on game day to watch the future captains of industry compete against their swarthy, bulging opponents in the Southeastern Conference. Associating with the lesser beings that make up the majority of the Southeastern Conference is the ONLY downside to being a part of Vanderbilt University.

Hillbillies coming straight from committing incest roll out of the hills surrounding Knoxville on Saturday to see their "Vols" rip their opponents limb from limb. Swilling RC Cola (moonshine for those 12 and above) and Moon Pies, these toothless hicks invade like an army of cockroaches infesting a Red Lobster dumpster in Miami Beach in August.

Student-Athletes
Potential Vanderbilt University student-athletes are meticulously evaluated and scrutinized. Only the finest minds are even considered for admission to this elite university. Vanderbilt University student-athletes are students first. When they matriculate at Vanderbilt University, it is guaranteed that within four years, they will ALL be well educated bright young men and women who will go well beyond sports to be productive citizens.

Do you have the ability to fog a mirror? Can you walk upright and feed yourself (mostly)? Can you run like a gazelle and block like a bear, crushing other men in your path? Can you shoot a leather ball through a hoop and elbow other men (or women) in the nose when you jump to grab that leather ball? Excellent! You're admitted to the University of Tennessee!

Every student athlete attending the University of Tennessee in Knoxville is also a pot-smoking, gun-toting thug who beats their wife/girlfriend. They are not just average, but dumb to the core and incapable of learning and success beyond sports. Lucky not to end up in prison (like most do), they never graduate and only serve their purpose by scoring touchdowns/3-pointers for the ignorant, hillbilly Jethro Nation UT fans who are toothless, moonshine-swilling degenerates.

Post-college
Vanderbilt University alumni are voraciously gobbled up by the economy. Potential employers clamor for their services and are known to go into no-holds-barred bidding wars to recruit them because of their incomparable abilities and intellect. And those are the ones that don't go on to law or medical school.

Have you been to a car wash lately? The scraggly, ne'er-do-wells that dry your Vanderbilt-University-recent-graduate S-class Mercedes with dirty rags? Those are the vermin that just left UT. Whatever you do, don't make eye contact with them. They're filthy, smelly, and uneducated. When not working (which is most of the time) they clog up the justice system with assault and drug arrests. Vanderbilt educated attorneys occasionally defend them pro bono (that's free, Jethro Nation) when they're not working on a high-profile corporate merger or other million-dollar litigation.

There you have it! Now you know the difference between "UT" and Vanderbilt University. Hopefully you'll never have to associate with any of those UT people.

NCAA Tournament: Siena? Really?

Eric Jackson — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 10:17:09 -0400

I thought Siena was a color.

And Vanderbilt gets bludgeoned by Siena? And by bludgeoned, I mean Siena gave Vanderbilt a blanket party.

To hear Vanderbilt fans tell it, Vanderbilt was a lock for the Final Four; at the very least the Sweet Sixteen. Their love of Shan (pronounced "Shane" by parents who can't spell or perhaps pronounce "Shan") Foster knows no depth. Their allowing brick-headed senior Ross Neltner to even get near the ball...well...I can't understand that either...but, give me a break Vandy fans. You weren't going anywhere this year.

Look, I'm not a Vandy hater. I actually feel sorry for them, however the Vandy Possums (Play dead at home, get killed on the road...yeah, it's old) were only capable of winning against quality opponents when in their ancient Memorial Gymnasium, perhaps the dumbest layout of a basketball court ever. Kevin Stallings, however, deserves this. He's a smug, pompous ass.

I'm quite sure you didn't see it...and I can't find it anywhere on the interweb. Kevin Stallings and his players were pissed and showed it at a press conference a day or so before the game where they were curbed by the Siena what's-their-names.

Little Kevin was angry and upset that some basketbal prognosticators were predicting lowly Siena, which I still say most people believe is a color, to upset his Commodores.

He said, and I'm paraphrasing, "Perhaps everyone is predicting Siena to beat us because we're poorly coached."

Maybe that's why Indiana University lost your cell phone number too, Kevin.