Bleacher Report - Articles by Matthew Bleiberg

Chinese Food, Denis Potvin Highlight Crazy 2009 NHL Second Half (Humor)

Matthew Bleiberg — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 20:54:40 -0500

This past week, you may have read so-called "hockey prognosticators'" predictions for the last half of the NHL season on various Web sites. Will Tim Thomas keep up his torrid pace and win the Vezina? Does Joe Thornton have a viable shot to win the Hart Memorial Trophy?

Snooze.

Here are three original storylines that I'm boldly predicting to occur during the final 35 or so NHL regular season games in 2009.

Maple Leafs Sign Sean Avery—Food Fights Ensue

Looking for personality to add to his team, new Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke will trade winger Jamal Mayers to the Dallas Stars for the oft-disciplined Sean Avery on February 5.

While Burke and the rest of the Maple Leafs organization knew they were getting a player with heavy baggage, they never expected the vileness he would bring to the team.

In his first game with Toronto after the trade—against the Canadiens—Avery will skate onto the ice holding a container, and immediately place it at the end of his team's bench.

During the first period, upset over how D-men Dion Phaneuf and Mike Komisarek, in his words, "love to fall in love with my sloppy seconds," Avery runs to the bench to pick up the container and blinds yes, Komisarek, with the contents—Shrimp Fried Rice.

While Avery rubs the cold shrimp and rice over Komisarek's face, Avery yaps, "So you like my leftovers, eh?"

As you might know, Phaneuf and Komisarek have both dated Avery's ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert.

Surprisingly, Avery only receives a 12 game suspension and for some reason is allowed to play in the Leafs' game against the Flames a month later. However, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman gives Avery a warning that another messy outburst would blackball him from the league for life.

Afraid over possible copycat acts in the NHL, the league comes up with yet another Avery-induced rule—a 10-minute "food misconduct" penalty, in which the violator is immediately ejected.

In the aforementioned game against the Flames, Avery wastes no time and throws a container filled with meatloaf—later determined to be a day old after a rigorous investgation—at Phaneuf during the pre-game skate.

However, Phaneuf did come prepared—fighting back with lasagna that he hid under his helmet. Phaneuf bowed to the Maple Leaf crowd after being sent off with a food misconduct.

Avery subsequently received a lifetime ban from the NHL after his most recent display of conduct. However, it wouldn't be long 'til Avery found another job—this time as the official spokesman for Rubbermaid products.

Ovechkin and Malkin To Live Happily Ever After?

Much has been said about the Alex Ovechkin-Evgeni Malkin rivalry. Once good friends, the relationship has now soured.

The kinship seemed to publicly fall apart on October 16, 2008, where it appeared Ovechkin deliberately hunted Malkin for a good part of the game, attempting to violently run him down.

The two were forced to pose in peace-accord-like photos for two Russian newspapers during this weekend's All-Star festivities, perhaps to show readers that the rivalry is really a figment of people's imaginations.

The following night, the duo pulled off a quick pseudo Carrot Top routine during the NHL SuperSkills competition, setting up Ovechkin's text-vote victory in the Fan Fav Breakaway Challenge.

After hearing the raucous response from the crowd after the competition, the two will start to become obsessed with the rivalry, appearing on numerous talk shows performing well-known Abbott and Costello routines.

In an jaw-dropping event, the two will join hands in an actual civil union performed before the Penguins-Caps game on March 8.

The two, whom at this point are obviously obsessed with their pairing, will leave professional hockey and live together in the first-ever year-round reality show, broadcast on Fox, called "Ovie and the Penguin."

Don't worry Canadian fans. The show will be shown on CBC.

Potvin Sucks! Part Deux

Desperate for national notoriety, the hapless New York Islanders will trade 38-year-old Bill Guerin to the San Jose Sharks for 43-year-old Claude Lemieux on March 4, the day of the NHL trade deadline. On the surface, this seems like a horrible trade for the Isles, but the team has ulterior plans for hockey's resident senior citizen.

The next day, the Islanders will inexplicably sign alums Clark Gillies and Denis Potvin, 54 and 55 years old, respectively, to one day contracts, ironically—or maybe not—for the team's game that night against the New York Rangers.

The duo, along with Lemieux, will start the game on a line against the Rangers' No. 1 grouping.

Ten seconds into the game, the three will simultaneously hip check forwards Markus Naslund, Chris Drury and Nikolai Zherdev, breaking each of their ankles. The injury will knock the trio out for 12 weeks, including the playoffs.

Rangers fans, who are rightfully incensed, will struggle to come up with a new chant announcing the sucking of Claude Lemieux, Clark Gillies and Potvin, to replace the long-running "Potvin Sucks!" chant currently yelled at all home games.

Unable to come up with a chant, Blueshirt fans will loudly drone "Lemieux, Gilles, Potvin Sucks!" at games, leading to many sore throats.

However, Ricola will take advantage of this situation, giving each Rangers fan a free pack of Cherry Honey Herb Throat Drops at home games.

Terms of the deal, which were negotiated by Ricola CEO Adrian Kohler and Rangers superfan "Dancin' Larry," include a mandatory chant of "Riiicccooolllaaa" at the beginning of the first, second and third periods at Madison Square Garden.

Five Ways to Spruce Up the NHL SuperSkills Competition (Humor)

Matthew Bleiberg — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:56:04 -0500

As some of you know, the NHL has decided to implement "changes" for next Saturday's SuperSkills competition.

Changes include the "fan-friendly," 60-second NHL Fan Fav Breakaway Challenge—hockey's version of the NBA Slam Dunk Contest.

After seeing All-Stars fail to headbutt pucks into the net and Alexander Ovechkin try his un-patented "Baseball Shot" four times, you, the fan get to vote for the winner via the Internet or through text messaging.

I mean, how cool is that? I don't know about you, but that gets my heart pumping.

In addition, the NHL decided to change the 3-on-3 YoungStars East vs. West game to a freshman-sophomore battle.

I'm quite excited to see if Brandon Dubinsky wins his second straight YoungStars MVP. That's got to rival Johnny Vander Meer's back-to-back no-hitters.

I am obviously being facetious. However, the SuperSkills competition needs a total overhaul, and below are five new, and very specific events, that will get fans' attention, even if some of the competitors are not All-Stars.

Event No. 1: Sidney Crosby vs. U.S. Olympian in a diving competition

This event was going to be fourth, but Crosby whined to me for about an hour, and pleaded his case to make this first. I unfortunately relented.

Much is known of Crosby and what he would call "unintentional" diving on the ice. Well, let's see how he fares against U.S. Olympic diver David Boudia in an actual diving contest.

Now, one would think Boudia would have an advantage, but Crosby averages 22.7 dives per game.

The two will dive from scaffolding just above the ice into a tub of Crosby's tears. I hear Crosby has a 540 front flip dive up his sleeve.

Event No. 2: Martin Brodeur and Roberto Luongo in a Flopping Duel

You can't have a Sidney Crosby diving competition without a goalie flopping battle.

Let's pretend Martin Brodeur woke up the morning of the SuperSkills competition and his left elbow was completely healed.

One All-Star will skate from center ice to each net, gently tapping Brodeur and Luongo on the chest.

The two goalies would habitually flop, and the distance of each flop will be measured by decorated U.S. track-and-field athlete Carl Lewis.

As part of his appearance contract, Lewis would also sing the national anthems of both Canada and the United States.

Event No. 3: Jared Boll and Riley Cote in an Alexander Semin deathmatch

These two enforcers will each have six-inch acrylic tips glued on to their nails. The tips will bear each player's team colors. Boll and Cote will meet at center ice to begin this brutal match.

The two are required to slap each other while they strategically try to use their elongated nails as a weapon.

The winner will be declared after forcing the other skater to cry or fall down.

The as-tough-as-they-come Semin will present the victor with a gold Gucci pocketbook.

Event No. 4: Alexander Ovechkin and Jeff Carter in an arcade game shootout

What better way to find out which All-Star has the most accurate shot than having the combatants compete in classic arcade shooter games?

This "shootout" competition will be shown on the big screen atop the Bell Centre ice.

Ovechkin and Carter, who are one and two in shots-on-goal in the NHL, will play one of the trailblazing arcade shooter games, Lethal Enforcers.

After this adrenaline-pumped classic, the two will battle it out in Time Crisis II.

One point is given to the last skater standing after each game. If after both games Ovechkin and Carter have one point, the two will face off in an adrenaline-packed, sudden-death game, The House of the Dead.

By now, the arena fans will be pumped for the final event, the OldStars game.

Event No. 5: OldStars Game

While the 3-on-3 YoungStars game has its moments, nothing can compare to what would be the first-ever OldStars game.

Each skater will use a cane instead of a hockey stick, and the puck will be a bottle of Centrum Silver.

To balance out the ages of these "senior" players, the two goalies will come from a local Montreal AA Peewee team.

Though a couple of people on the rosters below are currently injured, it won't make that much of a difference—plus, they can use the canes to skate around.

Team Metamucil

Claude Lemieux-F, Bill Guerin-F, Sergei Zubov-D

Team Ensure

Gary Roberts-F, Jeremy Roenick-F, Chris Chelios-D

Well, that should about put me out of the running for any job in the NHL.

When you watch the SuperSkills competition next Saturday and Sidney Crosby shoots a puck between his legs, think to yourself—wow, wouldn't it be great if he dove into a vat of his own tears?

Wouldn't it?