Bleacher Report - Articles by Sean Flannery

Cleveland Browns Look for "Sick" Victory over Pittsburgh Steelers

Sean Flannery — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 03:29:25 -0400

The Cleveland Browns have 12 players sick with flu-like symptoms , putting their roster in disarray for the Packers game this weekend. It is speculated by the media, that the Browns players are infected with swine flu, making them even bigger underdogs against the 3-2 Packers

YES! As a Browns fan, this is the best news we have had in years. Did you know that, in the middle ages, armies would siege castles by catapulting people infected with the black plague over walls and into the opposing city? Historians consider it to be the first form of germ warfare.

Likewise, the Browns should put only infected players on the defensive line—even throw them over the line of scrimmage, like so many catapulted bodies, to infect Packer players inside the pocket (don't even wait for the whistle- just run back there and do every thing short of vomit on them).

FINALLY, Cleveland has been given some thing (a disease) that can scare the opposition. It is to be embraced. No longer should we show up as dogs—show up as viruses. It is the only truly scary mascot.

The 1985 Bears Ruined My Saturday Night

Sean Flannery — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 22:21:54 -0400

This is a photo of me at a BBQ this weekend, wearing a 1985 Super Bowl Champion Bears tee shirt:

At a bar, later that night, that shirt was responsible for the most awkward moment of my life.

(Quick Background: I am from Cleveland originally and follow the Browns passionately, but, in the 1980s, when I was growing up, my second favorite team was the Chicago Bears. I now live in Chicago, but have not followed the Bears closely over the last few years—only the Browns).

The situation:

A women who looked, at most my age, yet in all likelihood younger, approached me—

WOMAN: "I just wanted you to know: I love your shirt! And I wanted to say, I was at this bar when I watched that game!"

I was amazed. Here’s this woman, who I thought to be at most 28, telling me that she was old enough to have a beer in a bar in 1985.

ME: "Wow. You’ve aged really well."

CONFESSION: that is an atrocious response to an opening line, by a woman. However, I was recovering from the single most inaccurate age guess of my life (at the time) and all social abilities flew out the window, in a confused rush.

WOMAN: "Yeah, sure." (said in mock encouragement)

She then passes a dismayed "can you believe this guy" look to her friend.

IMPORTANT FACTS THAT I DID NOT KNOW

• This woman thinks my shirt is for the 2007 Bears team (that lost the Super Bowl to the Colts). NOT the 1985 team.

• She has never heard of the 1985 team.

• It never occurs to me that she’s talking about the 2007 team.

Thus, she thinks I’m congratulating her on aging from an event that happened less than three years ago. I think we’re talking about the year 1985 and am speaking oddly nostalgic.

She rolls her eyes again.

I start to wonder why she’s so mad about a compliment on her aging. Even if it was stated a little awkwardly, it was sincere.

That’s when it hits me: "she thinks I’m hitting on her!"

...This, of course, is all wrong. She does not think I’m hitting on her. She just thinks I’m crazy for talking about the year 2007 this way...

Also NOTE: through a series of unrelated misunderstandings, I incorrectly believe this woman is my buddy’s boss.

Thus, I feel obligated to ‘clean up’ this misunderstanding and am refusing to just shut up and walk away, until I feel the conversation has turned positive...

ME: "You know, I really meant that: you’ve aged great."

Her jaw nearly drops.

WOMAN: "What??"

ME: "Come on you must know that...You know, not every thing a man says is a line."

I start scratching my temple, during these final points, so she will see my wedding ring. I think this will further assure her that I am not flirting.

ME: "Some things are just facts. Some people age really well and you happen to be one of them."

Now she just looks confused...I am talking about the year 2007 like I have been in a space ship and do not understand how humans have aged.

Her friend walks over and joins us. He points to me.

FRIEND: "Oh, great shirt man."

He looks as young as her. He then turns to her.

FRIEND: "We saw that game here, remember?"

Jesus...there are two of them!

FRIEND: "Where did you see it?" (to me)

ME: "At my best friend’s sleep over."

They now think they are talking to the weirdest man on Earth. A full grown man who still introduces people as "his best friend in the world" and says "sleeping over" rather than "crashing on a couch."

Even I am starting to detect the strangeness. Everyone is glancing at each other with squinted, confused eyes, as though to say, "Do you have any idea what’s going on here?"

Luckily her friend then adds, almost in a near panic to change the topic:

FRIEND: "Rex Grossman really shit the bed in that one."

Oh my God. They are talking about 2007. Worst yet, they think I’ve been talking about 2007, when, in fact, I’ve been talking about fourth grade.

Screw it. I just gotta get out of here. I’ll probably just make things more confusing if I try to explain the difference between the two Super Bowls to these guys.

ME: "I have to go find my best friend."

And I walked away.

I told my wife the story when I arrived home. "God you’re awkward with women," she said "it could not have happened to any one else."

She blames my awkwardness. I blame America’s inability to read Roman numerals. If the NFL just started using regular numbers for the Super Bowl (like every other company on Earth that releases more than five versions of a product), all of this could be avoided.

NOTE TO DISCOVERY CHANNEL: if you switch the numbering system for "Puppy Bowl" to standard Arabic numbers (rather than Roman numerals), I will immediately consider you to be the most relevant game on that day.

(this offer also extends to Budweiser, should they choose to restart "Bud Bowl", without Roman numerals)

Every Ad During a Joe Buck Game

Sean Flannery — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:07:19 -0400

I watched this weekend's Cubs-Dodgers game on Fox. As though watching a game called by Joe Buck isn’t annoying enough, now the commercials are as equally insufferable because every company re-writes their ads to match Buck’s whimsical, "every good moment with dad was over baseball" attitude.

My recap of every ad on Fox today, during the game:

How To Utilize Dallas' New Jumbo Tron

Sean Flannery — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 22:53:53 -0400

The low hanging, massive jumbo tron at the Dallas Cowboys’ new stadium was hit by a punt last night. Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher (whose punter hit the jumbo tron) said the giant video screen could be a problem on punts.

Dallas owner Jerry Jones was hilariously dismissive of the problem (from the AP report):

“If your desire is to punt the ball straight up and hard, I can do that,” Jones said, according to the Dallas Morning News. “The height that we’ve got it wouldn’t [affect] normal kicks unless somebody just wanted to hit it.”

By rule in football, the play is ruled dead if a punt hits some thing above the field of play. The down is then re-played, meaning, Jones is not being far sighted if he does not see a possible problem.

Here is my list of inventive ways to use this new jumbo tron to your team’s advantage:

• Tired defense? Has your defense been on the field the whole game and now, after another three-and-out series by the offense, you’re worried about their stamina? Well, give them a rest by having your punter hit the scoreboard 20 times in a row.

• Screwed by a NFL ruling? Has the NFL recently ruled against your franchise in, say, a salary cap dispute? Then there’s no better way to get back at them than turning a prime time game against American’s team into a seven hour marathon where networks will have no chances to run commercials. Tell your punter to hit the scoreboard, on purpose, for two straight hours.

• Worried a fake punt won’t catch the defense by surprise? It will if you hit the jumbo tron for 17 straight attempts and then, out of no where, just have the long snapper run it up the middle on attempt 18.

• About to be sacked? Have your quarterback throw it straight up at the jumbo tron. They can’t call “intentional grounding”, if you’ve thrown it straight up, right?

Manny Ramirez Will Have No Dents for the Dodgers Come Playoff Time

Sean Flannery — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:03:56 -0400

The other day I called someone a "Sunday Driver." The moment it left my mouth, I knew I was going to sound like an old man, but it was too late and my wife—who is younger than me—was laughing like I just called the neighborhood kids a bunch of "grubby lay-abouts".

"What does that ridiculous phrase mean?", she asked.

I explained that a Sunday driver is some one who only takes the car out on Sundays for Church. My dad always claimed our cars where inherited from a Sunday driver, because their cars are always in mint condition.

Likewise, the Dodgers are now going to take the tarp off a mint-condition Manny Ramirez just in time for the playoffs.

Albert Pujols, Ryan Howard and all the other MVP candidates have to worry about nicks and dents from parking on the street and driving to their jobs every day.

Not Ramirez. He sits in a heated garage until the playoffs start. He's going to run like the day he was purchased, which is why this drug test could be a blessing for the Dodgers:

1) They should still walk away with the NL West, given how weak it is.

2) They save $8 million dollars.

3) They get a guaranteed-to-be-healthy Ramirez back in time for the playoffs (pretty much repeating their experience with him last year).

Sure, the clubhouse could be negatively effected, and maybe the suspension will cause Ramirez to return with a cold, unpracticed swing, so you can not necessarily say it's a stroke of good fortune, but I do think, in some cases, a drug suspension could help a team (if they play in a weak enough division).

Take Rich Harden. If ever there was a pitcher designed for Sunday driving, it's Harden.

He's unhittable when healthy, but chronically injured and never ready for the playoffs. The Cubs would almost be better off with him testing positive for steroids, so he can't injure himself during an inconsequential month, and they save money on his contract. It's almost like a time-share for pitchers.

My ultimate point is that maybe MLB will eventually need to consider a team penalty, too, so that teams cannot benefit from a positive drug test.

Because right now, they can just pull the car out on Sunday morning, fill it up on premium, and then coast past all us poor saps.

Ohio State vs. Michigan Fans

Sean Flannery — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:59:30 -0400

Have you ever gotten the feeling that your wife and her family are smarter than you and your family? I painted a dinosaur mural on my son’s nursery and afterwards, a dinosaur theme has developed with Colin, where people buy him bibs, and shirts, and blankets with dinosaurs. Or, I should say my wife's family—who all went to University of Michigan—buys dinosaur shirts. My family —who all went to Ohio State”’—buys dragons and calls them dinosaurs.
Differences in Education
University of Michigan	Ohio State
Relatedly (I’m sure), weddings are much different. Jessica’s family barely drinks and often has dry events. I have a cousin who once shat in the urinal after a banquet hall cut us off. So, I guess the point is: Ohio State fans, while having a terrible grasp of paleontology, are a lot more fun to party with.

Three Love/Hate Relationships I Have with ESPN

Sean Flannery — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:48:17 -0400

I have a love / hate relationship with ESPN. I have to go to it in order to get my sports updates and, at times, their original programming and sports coverage is excellent. At other times, it's just a loud, meaningless screaming match that only promotes other shows on the network. This list pairs three random, love / hate relationships I have with ESPN (written in response to a request for ESPN lists).

Begin Slideshow

Greatest Baseball Players

Sean Flannery — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:37:00 -0500

This list was originally written for a local baseball magazine a few years ago. They asked for a list of your all-time favorite baseball players. I think they wanted some thing that focused more on great hitters from the 1980s, rather than my list, which was a collection of drunks and eccentrics, who barely managed to keep themselves alive, let alone achieve success in baseball:

Ed Delahanty: arguably the best hitter of the 1800s (hit over .400 three times). His playing career abruptly ended after he died trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
Rube Waddell: perhaps the most talented left-handed pitcher in baseball history, despite a complete lack of common sense. He drank so heavily, his manager refused to pay him in increments greater then $10, after Waddell missed most of his first three seasons on drinking binges. To recoup the difference, Waddell offered to wrestle any animal for money, receiving most of his income in alligator fights. He rarely finished games, often running after fire trucks in mid-pitch and stopping to play with children. Opposing managers discovered his fascination with "shinny things" and routinely distracted him with toys, a particularly successful strategy since he often pitched drunk and once even passed out on the pitching mound. He contracted pneumonia after building a damn without wearing shoes and died at 35.
Bid McPhee: often cited as the greatest second baseman of the 19th century, he played his entire career without a glove even though they were used by all other fielders of the time. He considered gloves to be feminine and, instead, soaked his hands in salt water to "toughen them up".
Lou Novikoff: a confessed botanophobe who lacked the courage to even approach plants, Novikoff was, amazingly, drafted by the Cubs for the outfield in Wrigley Field- where he was immediately despised for never even attempting to catch balls that neared the ivy walls. Additionally, his wife attended each game and, according to teammates, "hated the man", loudly and awkwardly heckling him each time he batted. Despite having poor speed, he often attempted to steal bases in order to distance himself from his wife's angry screaming.
Cool Papa Bell: a Negro league star who claimed to be the fastest man on the planet. He often complained of running into his own hits, since he traveled faster then the ball and told roommates that he could "turn off the lights and reach the bed before it got dark".
Steve Dalkowski: owned both the greatest fastball and worst command ever seen in baseball. Dalkowski regularly pitched at speeds beyond 105 Mph, but enjoyed zero major league success since he walked over a batter an inning and was a violent alcoholic who may have been mentally handicapped. He once struck out 24 batters in a game (a professional record), but lost 8-4 after issuing 18 walks, six wild pitches and four hit-batsmen.
Steve Sparks: a former All Star who's career collapsed after separating both shoulders while attempting to motivate his team by tearing a phone book in half.
Darren Daulton: one of the best catchers of the last decade, Daulton now claims to travel through time and command the ability to leave his own body. Daulton, who is particularly fond of visiting the Dutch Enlightenment, discovered these talents after singling down the third base line at Wrigley Field one day, saying "I never single down the third base line, so clearly it was not me who hit the ball", but, rather, a separate person from the fifth dimension. His wife, who has filed for divorce, considers Daulton insane, but he replies, "she just doesn't understand metaphysics".

My list did, however, contain one player that was in also in the published list: Rickey Henderson. They choose Henderson because he is the greatest leadoff hitter in baseball history. I have him on my list because Henderson has the most hilarious speech patterns and bizarre behavior in modern baseball:

Henderson refers to himself in third person, not only in interviews ("that's not how Rickey swings") but also in conversation, once beginning a phone message for Padres GM Kevin Towers with, "This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey".
He talks to his bats and refers to them as "bad boys"- commonly asking, "which of you bad boys has a hit in ya?"
He contracted frost bite after falling asleep on an ice pack.
The Oakland Athletics couldn't account for a $1 million dollar revenue surplus during his MVP season—it was later discovered that Henderson framed his bonus without cashing it.

How To Use Brett Favre

Sean Flannery — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 06:08:35 -0500

Brett Favre is being blamed by the Jets for ruining their playoff chances, but the problem isn't that the Jets selected Favre (league leading 22 interceptions) over Pennington (NFL Come Back Player of The Year).

The problem (as the Visitors Locker Room has argued) is that they didn't let Favre be Favre-enough. Getting Favre is like getting the Lone Ranger: You don't waste it on small stuff (e.g. a running game).

Here is a list of simple changes that, if made by the Jets, would finally allow them to receive the full Brett Favre experience (list is only a starting point- please feel free to contribute more):

A golden lab should report as an eligible receiver for each play.
Favre is allowed to rake leaves when the offense is not on the field.
Rename entire playbook after national monuments.
Favre should be allowed to play in blue jeans and a fleece.
Deputize Favre.
Light the stadium by pickups. Injured players are carted-out on pickups too.
Coaches no longer throw red flags to challenge a play. Instead, they release a bald eagle.