Bleacher Report - Articles by JoeSportsFan

Top 7: Sports Played During 'Home Alone'

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 09:00:35 -0500

Top 7 Headquarters happens to be near the location of the greatest Christmas movie of all-time, Home Alone . If you have read the Top 7 for a long time, you will know this because of the occasional (many?) references to this outstanding motion picture. The Top 7 is good for one Christmas-related list each year, so this year we’re going with a Home Alone theme.

The following list is the Top 7 sports that Kevin McAllister participates in throughout the movie. Ah, you didn’t think he was involved in ONE sport, did you, much less 7!? Well you are wrong. Onto the list:

7. Gymnastics

Kevin participates in gymnastics twice—once when he must jump over the line that ends up tripping Harry and Marv as the chase him through the upstairs portion of the house (where the classic line “I’m livin’ alone! I’m livin’ alone!” also occurs), and once when he must use his balance to walk across the line over to the Murphy’s house, where he nearly gets caught before Old Man Marley levels the robbers with a shovel. Kevin walked with the grace of Mary Lou Retton.

6. Terrorizing robbers

If ESPN can show poker, setting up booby traps for burglars can be a freaking sport too, so leave me alone. You could also call it within the tradition of the Running Man. Kevin would be the Babe Ruth, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Jim Brown of this sport, only if all of them were combined into one superhero-playing sports genius.

Here is one thing that I have always wondered—Kevin can be so brilliant as to map out perfectly executed ways to seriously injure (and perhaps kill) the burglars, but he wasn’t wise enough to watch the clock so he had enough time to eat his mac-and-cheese? My guess is that this critical error is what allowed him to get caught before being saved by the old man. His energy level was down and thinking not as sharp, and it cost him.

5. Competitive Eating
Just before Kevin gets frightened off by “Angels with Filthy Souls” enough to turn it off, he is chowing down on a sundae that weighs at least four pounds. Surrounding him are empty packages of cookies, candies, and other “junk” as he watches the “rubbish.” Considering that he hadn’t discovered that he was Home Alone long before that, he had eaten enough in a short enough time to put Kabayashi to shame.

4. Mountain Climbing

Kevin’s brother Buzz’s shelf had to be at least 12 feet high. It wasn’t exactly Mt. Everest, but Kevin should be commended for getting to the summit, where he was rewarded with Buzz’s life savings. Sports bonus—the money was in a 1989 Fleer container.

One wonders if Kevin could have made more money had he searched Buzz’s Fleer cards for a Billy Ripken error. He could have then sold the Ripken for a hefty profit and had more of a budget for his robber terrorization.

3. Figure Skating

After Kevin steals the toothbrush from the store, the clerk yells “Jimmy! Stop that boy!” Kevin must run from a cop, and showcased his incredible figure skating skills. You could almost argue that it’s a winter triathlon, as he had the straight figure skating portion, the acrobatic figure skating portion, and then the run back to his house. Wouldn’t the store clerk have noticed that a creepy old man with a bandage on his hand was staring the kid down, and that’s why he ran out of the store? It doesn’t seem to add up. On another note, isn’t it crazy that Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed in the knee nearly 17 years ago?

People think bad things happen in sports now, but within the span of a year, she was clubbed in the knee and Monica Seles was freaking stabbed. If that happened now, people would be saying that the world was ending (of course, some people think it’s all over in 2012, but those people are idiots).

2. Bobsledding

Also coming up on its 15-year anniversary is the movie Cool Runnings! I never saw it, but I’ll bet that I saw the preview 17,000 times. I think that they used to play it on MTV on an endless loop. Kevin showed off his bobsledding skillset when he slid down his own stairs, which was probably a 45-degree angle. Impressive.

1. Skeet shooting

This particular sport has to make it into the top spot for two reasons. First, it occurs twice. He shoots Marv in the face and Harry in the nuts. This was not that impressive of a shot, it was at point-blank range. It was like playing Duck Hunt in the smallest room in your house. The second time was much more impressive, which is the second reason it garners the top spot—he shoots Starting Lineups into the laundry shoot.

They don’t have their jersey numbers, but one of them is clearly the Ozzie Smith, and another is definitely the Larry Bird. Happy holidays everyone!

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© JoeSportsFan.com , 2009.

Top Seven: Worst First Place MVP Votes Since 2000

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 11:30:07 -0500

Every week, the Top Seven column will be enhanced by the newest addition to the JoeSportsFan Radio Network, Seven Minutes with Jason Major, where our Top Seven guru rants on the current topic, touches on previous lists and also vehemently defends his Cardinals bias...all in around seven minutes.

This week was a historic week for the Major League Baseball awards. It was not historic because two of the greatest players of our time—Joe Mauer and Albert Pujols—won the MVP.

It was historic because just one voter decided not to get cute and/or attempt to gain attention by voting for someone else who wasn’t the obvious MVP of the league. This year, Miguel Cabrera was the lone first-place vote who was not Pujols or Mauer, which is an absolute abomination.

Believe it or not, there are worse ones from this decade. One wonders if the Internet is the reason why there were less horrible votes this year than any other year—voters now know that they are going to get annihilated online if they vote the wrong way. This week’s Top Seven looks at the worst first place votes given out for MVPs this decade.

7. Andruw Jones, 2005

This is a perfect example of how voter infatuation with one statistic, in this case, home runs, can skew their thinking so much that they make an insane decision. Thirteen people voted for Jones in 2005 because he hit 51 home runs and led the league.

He hit .263 with a .347 OB%, and finished over 100 points behind Pujols in OPS. Here’s the craziest part—Derrek Lee absolutely crushed Jones in every other category, so much as you almost could make a case that he should have won MVP over Pujols, and Lee received precisely one first-place vote.

This, of course, leads to the other voter infatuation, team wins. In baseball, this is the worst argument of any of the sports. If your bullpen blows 30 games, is that your fault? What is the player supposed to do?

6. Alfonso Soriano, 2002

Unless “staring into the stands between every pitch and acting as disinterested as humanly possible” were a requirement for MVP, Soriano should never get a first place vote.

5. Brad Lidge, 2008

The Phillies played close to 1,500 innings in 2008. Lidge pitched 69-1/3 of them, or about five percent. It is simply not possible for someone to be the most valuable player in the league that only is a part of five percent of the playing time. It’s like a kicker getting MVP in the NFL.

Twelve people also voted for Lidge’s teammate, Ryan Howard, which leads me to an admission—the 2006 MVP vote is not as bad as I thought. I have long maintained that Howard-over-Pujols in 2006 is one of the worst ever.

I still believe it to be bad, and still believe Pujols should have won easily (due to defense and Pujols carrying the holy hell out of the Cards), but it’s not as big of a robbery as I have ranted about in the past. So there.

4. Johan Santana, 2006

But I can still complain about something related to the 2006 MVP! Life is good. Santana had one of the lowest finishes (seventh) of anyone who received a first place vote this decade, which should definitely count for something.

For reasons outlined with Lidge, I am in the “pitchers shouldn’t get the MVP” camp, though at least starters pitch more than five percent of their team’s innings. Santana threw about 15 percent of the Twins’ innings in 2006, and was absolutely ridiculous while doing so.

Still, an MVP vote when his teammate (Justin Morneau) won the league MVP in the same year? Not buying it.

3. Vladimir Guerrero, 2005

It would be interesting to see if there is any correlation between a guy winning one year and getting votes “just because” the next year. Terry Pendleton finished high on the 1992 NL MVP ballot after winning in ’91, when it was questionable as to why he was up there either year. Another example is Guerrero in ’05.

He had won the previous year and there was nothing wrong with that decision, but in ’05 he literally beat A-Rod in zero major categories, while playing in 21 fewer games, and someone still thought he deserved a first place vote. Did this person just mail in the previous season’s ballot?

Did they not even look at the stats? If they had a choice between taking $50 cash and a $500 check, would they choose the cash? How does this happen?

2. Sammy Sosa, 2001

First, remember that this is pre-steroids, so you can’t say that Sosa got votes over Bonds because of steroids. Secondly, even if it were because of steroids, said voters would not have voted for Sammy Sosa. With that in mind, two people thought that Sosa was the MVP over Bonds, who hit 73 freaking home runs and had a .515 OB%.

Bonds had him beat in everything except for RBI (Sosa had 23 more). The voters in mind couldn’t have even used the “team made the playoffs” crap either—neither team made it, and the Giants had two more wins than the Cubs.

1. Shannon Stewart, 2003

An oft-used phrase with bad MVP votes is that “in 20 years, people will wonder what the writers were thinking.”

Well it’s only six years after 2003, and I have no possible idea how in the hell Shannon Stewart got FOUR first-place MVP votes. Granted, the votes were spread around this year more than any other this decade by far (ten players with first-place votes).

You even had a couple of the aforementioned “send in the previous year or year before’s ballot” votes with Miguel Tejada and Jason Giambi.

But nothing is more random than Shannon Stewart—random because he led the league in nothing, random because he had 73 RBI all season, random because he had 13 home runs, and most random because THREE people voted for him.

This is the year where he was traded mid-season to the Twins, who made the playoffs, and it’s why three people voted for him. So they based their award for the entire season for a barely above-average player’s half-season with a different team? Makes total sense.

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Top 7: Athletes' Redemptions in the Clutch

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:00:55 -0500

Every week the Top 7 column will be enhanced by the newest addition to the JoeSportsFan Radio Network, Seven Minutes with Jason Major , where our Top 7 guru rants on the current topic, touches on previous lists and also vehemently defends his Cardinals bias … all in around seven minutes.

One of the media’s favorite storylines is (fill in player) can’t come through in the clutch. Sometimes they’ll even take it a step further and say (said player) will never win a (fill in name of title). Sometimes they’ll even go further than that and say (said player) can’t win because of (fill in random psychoanalysis that is completely not provable but sure sounds good).

Once this player comes through in the clutch or wins the title, the same media members will do more psychoanalysis to figure out what finally happened in their head to make them able to win.

Someone will try to connect A-Rod’s World Series title with him getting some kind of secret ooze from Derek Jeter, which is how they won. It will happen.

Once the player has their clutch moment or their title, a new person must come along to take their place, and the cycle repeats endlessly. Same storyline … they never will win a title, unless they do. Here are the Top 7 guys who got their redemption in the clutch.

7. Barry Bonds

Bonds may be the most notorious under-performer in the playoffs of all-time in baseball, especially since there wasn’t such a massive amount of media around when Ted Williams and Willie Mays were stinking up the playoffs themselves (point being, Bonds wasn’t the first great player who struggled in the postseason).

Then came the 2002 World Series, where Hulk Bonds hit .471 with a .700 on-base percentage and four homers—including one that went about 7,000 feet. He didn’t win the Series, but it sure wasn’t his fault.

I’m not too familiar with that series, but I’m sure Giants fans would say it had something to do with Dusty Baker … that seems to always be the culprit with his teams.

6. Tony LaRussa

This spot almost went to Mick Foley for his finally winning the WWF title, then I remembered LaRussa, and it’s always fun to rip on his detractors.

Mostly due to him not living in St. Louis year-round, there is a small percentage of Cardinals fans who will never accept him, and used to go so far as to say that the Cards would never get to a World Series while he was manager.

This “faction” even ran a hilarious campaign to try to get him fired prior to the 2004 season, flying a banner over the Cards spring training facilities.

The Cards then won 105 games and went to the World Series, so the theory became “the Cards will never win the World Series with LaRussa as manager.” Then LaRussa won the World Series with the Cards, and the people immediately tried to disregard it, saying he got lucky.

So their platform apparently all along was “the Cards will never make the World Series with LaRussa as manager, unless they do, in which case they will never win the World Series … unless they get lucky."

These people have something wrong with them. If you were to make a Venn Diagram of LaRussa haters with 9/11 Truthers and Obama Birthers, they would probably fall in the circle that encompasses all three.

Some of the most insane ones will even disregard his first World Series title with the A’s because of the '89 earthquake in the Bay area. I guess all of the Giants died in the quake and the A’s played nine-on-none baseball. Some will say that they hate LaRussa because of his DUI … OK, fine. But the fringe nut jobs were there long before that happened.

5. Phil Mickelson

Some of the guys who never won were just fun to watch lose. I’m not sure if I am in the minority here or not, but it was fun to watch Mickelson’s hopes crushed time and again, and I’m not even sure why.

It was fun to see how he could go about losing another one. The same goes for Karl Malone—he and Charles Barkley were probably the two most talked about when it came to not winning an NBA title.

Yet, when Mickelson finally won a major, it was one less thing to perversely cheer for in sports. At least we still have plenty of bad quarterbacks to enjoy.

4. Dan Jansen

USA! USA! USA! Jansen, as a speed skater, was favored to win Olympic gold in 1988 and 1992 and came up short both times to receive even a bronze.

This happened even though he owned the world record prior to the '92 Olympics. Could Jansen win the big one? No, it seemed.

In his final try in 1994, he won the gold and dedicated it to his sister, who had died of leukemia the morning of his try in 1988.

Avenging an earlier loss + dedication to a late sibling + United States = gets me every time.

3. John Elway

Elway and Marino were the Barkley and Malone of the NFL. Unfortunately for Marino, he never got Terrell Davis in his backfield.

It would have been like Malone going to the Lakers to play with Kobe Bryant, Shaq, and Gary Payton—he surely would have won a title then, right?

It is hard to put all of your stock in “great quarterbacks lead their teams to titles” when Brad Johnson is a Superbowl-winning quarterback and Dan Marino isn't.

2. Alex Rodriguez

The question now becomes who takes A-Rod’s place as baseball’s “never win a title” whipping boy?

His was amplified at least a trillion times because he played in New York; besides Bonds, nobody got it worse. I’m not an A-Rod fan, but it was ridiculous how people acted like it was impossible that a team with one of the best players of all-time “couldn’t win a World Series." It’s idiotic. But that won’t stop it from happening again with someone else.

There were also Yankee fans who bought into it too. Are they celebrating the title, or are they a bit disappointed that they were wrong?

1. Peyton Manning

Manning not only gets the top nod because he shed the “can’t win the big one” by winning the Superbowl from college as well as the pros, but because since then he has become one of the most clutch players in football and maybe even in all of sports.

He makes things look easy and effortless, and keeps winning.

No one else has made a transition from “can’t win big games” to “absolute clutch assassin” more than Peyton Manning.

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Bo Jackson's and Albert Pujols' Bombs

JoeSportsFan — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:29:49 -0400

Two weeks ago, Jason Major discussed the seven biggest home run bombs since 1989. Since Major League Baseball does not want you to enjoy video highlights unless you’re paying a hefty fee to MLB, I wasn’t able to run any video clips of the home runs. However, thanks to the modern marvel of email, I was able to speak with a reader who happily passed along two home run highlights from the Top Seven list.

You also get a bonus Wade Boggs All Star home run, which by itself is quite the bonus given Wade’s penchant for hitting the long ball. With the Pujols bomb, your best bet is to watch with no sound because it looks like the clip was part of this year’s All Star Game Fanfest where fans get to broadcast highlights … not exactly an authentic feeling.

Sound or no sound, that was a bomb.

Check out the Top Seven in its entirety right here. And keep your eyes and ears peeled for the debut of the Steel Cage radio show with Jason Major and myself… right here on these pages tomorrow afternoon.

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Top 7 Sports References in Music

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 12:19:25 -0400

In recent weeks, the top seven has looked at athletes crossing over into music and musicians that have tried their hand at various sports.

This week, it’s sports-related music! A future list may deal with the most popular songs played at arenas, but this one is strictly sports mentions in songs and videos.

Ice Cube’s “It Was a Good Day” was left off on purpose because it was written about extensively in the musicians-as-athletes list.

Onto the list:

7. Michael Jackson

When the molestation charges first started being thrown at Michael Jackson, his response was to find as many famous people as possible to appear in his videos as a way to vouch for him as an okay guy.

This led to Magic Johnson appearing in the Remember the Time video, and Michael Jordan teaching Jackson some basketball skills in the “Jam” video. The Jackson stuff is not slowing down, by the way. I was in L.A. this week, and there were two stories about him on the local news, as well as a line just to place flowers and have your picture taken next to his Hollywood Walk of Fame star.

6. El Da Sensei

The only known Pujols mention in a song obviously gets its spot in the Top Seven. “Crowd Pleasa” is the name of the song, and it’s not bad either. “Swingin’ the wood like Pujols, prepare for a new host” makes perfect sense. There was a Top Seven streak where JD Drew was mentioned something like eight weeks in a row, and Pujols is dead-set on challenging that streak.

5. Skee-Lo

It’s almost unfathomable that Skee Lo did not have a career that still continues to this day. He was destined to become the next Elvis or Michael Jackson, only if you paired the two together to create the single-greatest artist in musical history.

Instead, he simply settled for the “I Wish” video and song, where he discussed how he was not picked very high when playing playground basketball. Seems like he would have gotten over it by his mid-20s, but suit yourself. In many ways, Skee was the anti-rapper, he had the least amount of self-respect of any rapper of all-time.

Contrast that with a guy like Krayzie Bone or Wyclef, who think that the government is tapping their phone.

I believe that Skee-Lo also set an all-time record for shortest amount of time that the obligatory follow-up single to a one-hit wonder was in rotation. Can’t even remember what it was, but it was awful. Four or five months ago, I would have bet six or seven dollars that Katy Perry would give that a title a run for its money, but I am also wrong a lot.

4. Outkast

“Time to drop these bows like Dusty Rhodes, then I yell ‘ho!’” There is your quota of wrestling mentions. You could make a case for Macho Man’s “Be a Man,” since the entire song is about challenging Hulk Hogan to a match when both men were nearly 50.

As for Rhodes, does anyone have more famous elbows in history? Actually, of all of the most famous elbows ever, all of them would have to be wrestlers. Macho Man would be in there too. Rowdy Roddy Piper too. The only other one I can think of right now who’s a non-wrestler would be the guy in the Crash Bandicoot costume who said “you’re hurting my elbow” in that old commercial.

3. Wu-Tang

They had several great ones: “ayo my rap style swing like Willie Mays, my eyes purple hazed” was the way one of Inspectah Deck’s verses that rhymed for 45 consecutive lines started.

They managed to even make a Juan Pierre comparison in a song once. But Rod Strickland was their go-to guy. He got a special shout at the end of “Wu-Tang Ain’t Nuthin to F Wit,” the greatest shout-out part of a song of all-time.

But the best Wu-Tang sports mention has to be the end of “Triumph” when Raekwon says that he’s going to make you “jump like Rod Strickland,” especially since jumping wasn’t exactly what Rod Strickland was known for. But one can’t argue with Wu-Tang, they know what they’re doing.

2. Britney Spears

During the unbelievable amount of intense, weeks-long research and planning that goes into each Top Seven, I asked five people if they remembered where they were when they saw “Baby One More Time” for the first time; all five said yes. It’s the JFK Assassination of music videos. Of course, Britney showcases some of her tremendous basketball skills at the tail end of the video.

1. Notorious BIG

In the everlasting BIG versus 2 Pac debate, I’m more in the 2 Pac camp, but in the sports department, Biggie has the clear lead. One of his lines was so good that it also made it into the movie “Boiler Room,” which also contained an early showcase of Vin Diesel’s amazing range as an actor: “either you slang crack rock, or you got a wicked jump shot.”

This is a pretty open list, so let Major know what he missed in the comments or shoot him an email at jason@joesportsfan.com.

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Move over Brett Favre, Your Replacement Has Arrived

JoeSportsFan — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 09:01:51 -0400

With Brett Favre putting a Clubber Lang-level street beating on his reputation these past few seasons, the national media—most of which is tucked away neatly in the Northeast—was in dire need of a replacement.

The fans no longer cared that Favre called the media to chat, while he was mowing the lawn at his Mississippi farm or that if he did cartwheels down the field after a completion to show how much he loved the game. We didn’t want to hear about him anymore.

So the media needed a football player, preferably a quarterback, whose every move they could fawn over, as if he was the fourth Jonas Brother. They needed someone who they could create stories about out of thin air, who played in a market that allowed them to convince themselves that all football fans shared their passion.

And with one sentence uttered by commissioner Roger Goodell, the newest media man crush was born, "With the fifth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select Mark Sanchez, Quarterback, USC."

Forget that he wasn’t even the first quarterback taken—really who cares about Detroit, right?—the fact that the Hollywood glamour boy who wasn’t afraid to wear something like this in public at one time, was snapped up by a New York team, to fill the position vacated by Brett Favre no less, meant that the media had exactly what they were hoping for on draft day.

Despite Sanchez having just 13 starts in college, he had become the de facto choice for most high profile NFL rookie, before ever throwing a pass in the league. His name flirted with headlines throughout the offseason, his pictures showed up in a Baywatch-inspired GQ photo shoot, he was as dreamy as Favre was rugged.

And when he did throw his first pass, he made hearts flutter in the press box when he completed it 48 yards downfield to David Clowney against a St. Louis Rams team that the Jets racked up 47 points against last year. When press time rolled around that night, the challenge was what word to use, while highlighting the QB—dazzles, sparkles, dazzles again.

Game recap headlines like this one appeared all throughout the web and print:

Damn those dastardly Rams for spoiling everything. Didn’t they know it was Mark's day?

As if his one series in the preseason opener wasn’t enough to weaken knees, when Rex Ryan announced that he would start the second preseason game for the Jets, the media tore into the story like it was a free press box buffet. It mattered not that Ryan insisted that Sanchez was scheduled to start regardless of how he performed in the first game, the combination of his debut, his nomination as the starter for Game Two, and his dimples was the dynamite that set off the Mark Sanchez avalanche.

And he’s even on Twitter.

Get ready, America, the media has found a new toy.

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NFL Crime and Punishment: Let My People Go

JoeSportsFan — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:45:54 -0400

With Brett Favre now occupying 23.75 hours of ESPN’s programming, I thought it would be an apt time to revisit Michael Vick, who upon signing with the Eagles last week occupied a modest 23.25 hours of ESPN’s airwaves and online realty.

But I want to talk about oppression, which has always been a common theme throughout the annals of history.

In the Book of Exodus, Moses delivers the Jews from slavery after telling the Egyptian Pharaoh to “Let My People Go” before ushering the Hebrews into 40 years of beachfront living.

Blacks were of course shamefully enslaved by white Americans for more than 100 years. And just last year, dozens of clean-shaven men around the country were forced by their girlfriends to see the unwatchable “Sex And the City” film.

As someone of Mustached American descent, I understand oppression all too well. For many years my people have been kept out of the executive suites of corporate America and largely absent from the hallways of justice on Capitol Hill—relegated to urinalysis technicians, motor bike mechanicry and sweeping up hair in barber shops.

Maybe this is why I emphasize with the dog-eat-dog life of Vick, a fellow person of facial hair. But in his case the oppression is somewhat different, and certainly, equally unfair.

Consider that our system of justice in America is rather simple. With the exception of the St. Louis Rams’ Leonard Little, if you commit, and then are convicted of a crime in court, there is a penalty.

But as long as that penalty does not include a life or death sentence, once you have paid for it—either financially or through time spent in the funhouse with throngs of Mustached American brothers and sisters—you are considered rehabilitated.

Or at least, that’s what we are led to believe.

You watched, read and heard the reaction after Vick’s signing: The Philadelphia Daily News headline read, “Hide Your Dogs.” My man-friend Matt Sebek brought you a post about headlines such as “Hide Your Beagle, Vick Is An Eagle.”

Fans continue to flood Philly radio with statements of anger and disgust. Asylum.com is currently running a poll about whether Vick is truly sorry, and nearly 75 percent thus far believe the man solely wishes to rehab his image and just play ball again.

And while that may be accurate, I find my normally hateful soul to be very sympathetic to Vick.

Is this because 69 percent of male and 42 percent of women inmates incarcerated today are of Mustached American descent? Clearly, I would be lying to you if I said there is no correlation whatsoever.

But more so, in these United States there is a rule of law. If I walk into a local zoo and club a Chinese Panda over the head and then harvest its delicious meat for steaks on the Black Market, I might possibly have to spend a week in home confinement.

You do the crime, you serve the time—unless you run down a pedestrian while drunk in Miami and play for the Cleveland Browns.

Vick not only lost his freedom for two years, but he lost $10 million-plus in annual wages and the realistic shot at any future endorsements for the remainder of his life.

Probably about $100 million down the drain, which is roughly $99.92 million more than I have made in a career as a mustache pioneer and yak shepherd.

I believe Vick now has a right to earn a living in whatever field he wishes outside of dog catching. So please, my brothers and sisters, I beg you. To quote the one-eyed Stuart Scott of ESPN, “Holler at a brother,” and let my people—Mike Vick—go.

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PODCAST: Jon Pyle, Jerod Morris and Baseball Card Talk on Ep. 26

JoeSportsFan — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 13:00:23 -0400

DOWNLOAD EPISODE 26 | DOWNLOAD PAST EPISODES

Sebek and Bacott kicked off Episode 26 of the weekly JoeSportsFan Show by reviewing a little “This Week in History” and parlayed notable dates into a riveting discussion about the recent MLB/Topps union.

As of last week, Topps has been given exclusive access to use MLB team names and logos on their baseball cards. Others cannot. Pretty big news. Well, for us at least. Thus, we broke down the decline of the baseball card “industry” with a little assistance from our friend, Don West.

During the critically-acclaimed “Wiffle Ball” round table, we were joined by returning starter, Jon Pyle - who manages (Pyle Of List) and is a featured contributor for (True Slant). We were also pleased to be joined by show newbie, Jerod Morris—a fellow Midwesterner and, well, that guy.

The following questions were asked of our esteemed guests during Episode 26 of the JoeSportsFan Show:

1.) With the Josh Hamilton body shot photos coming out on Deadspin over the weekend, we ask you, “For entertainment sake, what one athlete would you most like to see engaged in similar activities?”

2.) When your baseball card collection was at it’s peak, what was the one card that you were sure was going to put you and your kids through college?

3.) With Pedro Martinez making his first start for the Phillies on Wednesday, it begs the question, “If you could see any pitcher from the past toe the rubber for your home team (in their prime or not), who would you choose?”

4.) Independent of fame, which college/professional sport would you least like to umpire?

5.) The MLB Players Union decides that having a guy with the last name of “Weiner” is too creepy, they decide that its in their best interest to name a suspected/confirmed steroid abuser as their new President. Who are you nominating?

Side Note: As we mentioned in the closing segment of this episode, Mr. Patrick Imig and Mr. Jason Major will be releasing a podcasting counterpart to our regular weekly show, starting next week. Stay tuned for more details. More exciting news pending.

DOWNLOAD EPISODE 26 | DOWNLOAD PAST EPISODES

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The Return of the Sports Columnist Photos

JoeSportsFan — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 09:23:43 -0400

It’s a story that plays out day after day in millions of offices around the country - a guy or girl sits down at their desk around noon, seconds away from devouring another microwave Lean Cuisine pizza and ready to hop online for a few minutes in hopes of getting a quick sports fix on their lunch break.

And right when they click the url of the column they’ve chosen to read, most unexpectedly, they find themselves mesmerized by the figure glaring back at them from the computer screen.

All they want is to read about last night’s game and yet are captivated by the myriad emotions being communicated through that little photo of the author next to the words - why is he so intense? What is behind those mysterious eyes? That can’t seriously be his hair, can it?

Before you’ve read a word, they’ve already got your mind right where they want it. That is the power of the sports columnist photo.

Last October we took a deeper look into the methods being used by America’s most influential sports voices to steer the simplistic minds of their readers via the tradition that has thrived even as the world of print journalism has been turned upside down.

And thanks in part to the observations of the JSF faithful, today we are able bring you another round of notable sports columnist photos, each demonstrating a new and improved strategic method to manipulate their minions er…readers. Take note aspiring journalists:

Strategy #1—The Ducktail Effect
Nothing can convince a skeptical reader of your qualifications more effectively than sending a message via your picture that says “I’m so dedicated to the sports that I cover, I have yet to realize that miniature mullets are no longer fashionable.”

Greg Johnson, Grand Rapids Press

Steve Wieberg, USA Today

Strategy #2—Make them think you’re 11 years old
Think about it - how can someone possibly bring themselves to disagree with a columnist when they have this unshakable instinctive desire to poke him in the belly and do the Pillsbury noise?

Ben Diggle, Peoria Journal Star

Strategy #3—One Word: Negburns
On the day of your paper’s photo shoot, do yourself a favor and take a straight razor about two inches above your ear and rake downward. With a few precise strokes, you’ll have a free pass to write the most obnoxious, opinionated BS you can think of with no backlash.

The instant the readers see those wicked negburns they’ll have no choice but to back off if they value their personal safety. And to be clear, we’re not saying Howie Beardsley is writing obnoxious, opinionated BS for the Grand Rapids Press or that he is a threat to anyone’s safety, just that the intensity of his negative sideburns grants him the right to do so should he choose.

Howie Beardsley, Grand Rapids Press

Strategy #4—Alter expectations
Upon hearing that a particular article is written by a woman and most sports fans have no reservations about assuming that it’s probably a fluff piece about ice dancing or something.

What can we say, for the most part, we’re meatheads. But that all changes when the first vision you see looming over the article is a frighteningly intense women who may or may not be reaching out to strangle you. Suddenly the topic just got a lot more serious.

Selena Roberts, Sports Illustrated

Strategy #5—The Angelic Vision
Research has proven that nothing can sell a reader on a column quite like seeing that it has been written by an angelic visage appearing out of a cloud as if to say “don’t be afraid, come and give my column page views.” It may not make for the most manly photos, but traffic is traffic, baby.

Mark Gaughan, The Buffalo News

Bob Elliott, Toronto Sun

Strategy #6—The Brian Vanochten Method
No matter the reason, be memorable.

Brian Vanochten, Grand Rapids Press

Strategy #7—Work for the USA Today
America’s paper has been known to churn out a memorable columnist photo or two. Some of our favorites past and present:

Jon Saraceno, USA Today

Michael Hiestand, USA Today

Rod Beaton, USA Today

Dick Patrick, USA Today

Erik Brady, USA Today

Strategy #8—Throw in the towel
If all else fails, grow out a mustache, put on your imitation Blue Blockers and act hard

Josh Bacott, JoeSportsFan.com

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The First Place Montreal Expos: 15 years later

JoeSportsFan — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:48:30 -0400

On this day 15 years ago, Major League Baseball shut its doors for good on the 1994 season, taking away the postseason and World Series for the first time ever. It would figure that at a time when the Expos were 34 games over .500, their efforts would be for naught. The Expos were loaded with talent and reading the ‘94 club’s Baseball-Reference page is quite telling.

Every one in their starting lineup was under the age of 30 and only Jeff Fassero (31) was above the age of 28 in the Expos starting rotation. And the bullpen? Every pitcher was under 30, with Gil Heredia being the oldest at 28 years old.

The starting pitchers W-L record was 50-22. Pedro Martinez was just 22 years old, having come from the Dodgers in exchange for DeLino DeShields. The starting lineup featured Moises Alou (.337) and Larry Walker (.322) and Marquis Grissom (.288), who stole 36 bases.

Where am I going with all this? Nowhere. But if you’re bored and looking to increase your baseball nostalgia level, check out the ‘94 Expos in all their glory on Baseball Reference dot com. It’s the closest thing the team has to a championship shrine.

Greedy bastard baseball.

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Tarzan good, Chicago Cubs bad

JoeSportsFan — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:13:31 -0400

I received the following picture from various people yesterday, so I imagine it must be making the rounds - especially in the St. Louis and Chicago's south side regions.

A few things at work here and our fan hunters have been graciously asked to analyze the effort.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

1.) The whole Chicago Cubs malevolence is a bit played. There, I said it. That said, total family costume unity is impressive; especially when it involves your wife.

2.) Pristine sign grammar and spelling. A lost art these days. And getting that plural possessive apostrophe correct? Bravo, my friend.

3.) Gotta love the youngest member of the clan, displaying his family insurgence by tying his loin cloth on the opposite shoulder and refusing to go bare chested. Rage against the machine, bud.

4.) It must be pointed out; if these were, in fact, “uniforms” worn by the Cubs at their last World Series…they probably wouldn’t be wearing Chicago White Sox hats. Just saying.

Side Note: Have something you’d like to see analyzed by our well tenured (read: extremely smug and self-righteous) fan experts? Keep sending those puppies in to matt@joesportsfan.com.

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VIDEO: One Helluva Stadium Vendor Call

JoeSportsFan — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:41:19 -0400

Every city has a collection of infamous stadium vendors.

Most of the “creative” vendor types are ear-piercingly annoying after the first few innings, but truth be told, if a grown adult can find solace in being slightly entertaining while selling Pink Lemonade Squishies and wearing some goofy mascot abomination on their head; so be it. We admire inventiveness and originality, but there are only so many ways to peddle overpriced food and refreshments.

That’s why we toss creativity aside and admire raw stadium vendor talent.

Holding a solid “Buuuuuud Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiight” note for over 20 seconds?

Pretty impressive, man.

Side Note: On Episode 22 of our weekly podcast, we talked about stadium vendors with a couple of Yahoo!s - namely, JE Skeets and Eamonn Brennan. You can give it a listen by clicking….right….here.

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One Way Ticket to Blogville

JoeSportsFan — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 12:30:13 -0400

A steadfast rule for all sports fans - if you want your picture featured on a snarky sports blog, wait until the day that you have seats directly behind home plate at a baseball game...and wear an eye patch.

After seeing this gentlemen increase the badass level in the front row of Busch Stadium by an estimated 10 percent Sunday afternoon, we were shocked to see a counterpart occupying similar seats in the Dodgers-Braves game later that evening in Atlanta.

Plissken loves him some Braves baseball.

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“Seinfeld” Athlete Appearances/References (Baseball Edition)

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:00:12 -0400

On Episode 23 of the JoeSportsFan Show, we asked our distinguished panel (Traina, Levy and Povia), “What is your favorite athlete appearance/reference on a Seinfeld episode?” We also threw the question to our Twitter faithful and were barraged with a cornucopia of tremendous Seinfeld athlete references.

The familiar favorites (Keith Hernandez, Paul O’Neill and Buck Showalter) were all mentioned. As more responses came in, it became ever-necessary to compile an aggregate list of all Seinfeld athlete appearances and/or references... especially since some of the obscure ones are the most fun. Today, we present a compiled list of professional baseball players mentioned throughout the storied history of “Seinfeld”. Next week, we’ll run a list of the remaining athletes. If we missed any, drop it in the comments or shoot us a message over on Twitter.

Yogi Berra (C, NY Yankees; ‘46-’63)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Hank Bauer (OF, NY Yankees ‘48-’59)
Episode 55 (Season 4): “The Visa”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Barry Bonds (OF, no NY ties)
Episode 122 (Season 7): “The Caddy”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Clete Boyer (3B, NY Yankees; ‘59-’66)
Episode 55 (Season 4): “The Visa”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Jay Buhner (OF, NY Yankees; ‘88)
Episode 122 (Season 7): “The Caddy”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance ###MORE###

Joe DiMaggio (OF, NY Yankees; ‘36-’51)
Episode 18 (Season 3): “The Note”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 86 (Season 5): “The Opposite”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Doug Drabek (P, NY Yankees; ‘86)
Episode 61 (Season 4): “The Smelly Car”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

John Franco (P, NY Mets; ‘90-’04)
Episode 30 (Season 3): “The Subway”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Lou Gehrig (1B, NY Yankees; ‘23-’39)
Episode 86 (Season 5): “The Opposite”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 154 (Season 8): “The Millennium”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Ken Griffey Jr. (OF, no NY ties)
Episode 122 (Season 7): “The Caddy”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Dallas Green (P, NY Mets; ‘66)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Keith Hernandez (1B, NY Mets; ‘83-’89)
Episode 34 (Season 3): “The Boyfriend (1)”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Episode 35 (Season 3): “The Boyfriend (2)”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Episode 179 (Season 9): “The Finale”
Note: casted, no lines, appeared

Dick Howser (SS, NY Yankees; ‘67-’68)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Hideki Irabu (P, NY Yankees; ‘97-’99)
Episode 179 (Season 9): “The Finale”
Note: referenced, no lines, appeared

Derek Jeter (SS, NY Yankees; ‘95-’09)
Episode 143 (Season 8): “The Abstinence”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Bob Lemon (MGR, NY Yankees; ‘78-’82)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Mickey Mantle (OF, NY Yankees; ‘51-’68)
Episode 7 (Season 2): “The Pony Remark”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 55 (Season 4): “The Visa”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 59 (Season 4): “The Implant”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 86 (Season 5): “The Opposite”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 123 (Season 7): “The Seven”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Billy Martin (MGR, NY Yankees; ‘75-’79, ‘83, ‘85, ‘88)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Don Mattingly (1B, NY Yankees; ‘82-’95)
Episode 86 (Season 5): “The Opposite”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 87 (Season 6): “The Chaperone”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 133 (Season 7): “The Wait Out”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Roger McDowell (P, NY Mets ‘85-’88)
Episode 34 (Season 3): “The Boyfriend (1)”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Episode 35 (Season 3): “The Boyfriend (2)”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Willie McGee (OF, Drafted by NY Yankees in ‘77)
Episode 61 (Season 4): “The Smelly Car”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Fred McGriff (1B, Drafted by NY Yankees in ‘81)
Episode 61 (Season 4): “The Smelly Car”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Gene Michael (SS, NY Yankees; ‘69-’74)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Paul O’Neill (OF, NY Yankees ‘93-’01)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Joe Pepitone (1B/OF, NY Yankees ‘62-’69)
Episode 55 (Season 4): “The Visa”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 94 (Season 6): “The Mom and Pop Store”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 121 (Season 7): “The Rye”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Ken Phelps (OF, NY Yankees ‘88)
Episode 122 (Season 7): “The Caddy”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Lou Piniella (MGR, NY Yankees; ‘86-’88)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Phil Rizzuto (SS, NY Yankees ‘41-’57)
Episode 150 (Season 8): “The Pothole”
Note: referenced, spoke/appeared (as a George’s key chain)

Babe Ruth (P/1B/OF, NY Yankees ‘20-’34)
Episode 86 (Season 5): “The Opposite”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Episode 154 (Season 8): “The Millennium”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Buck Showalter (MGR, NY Yankees ‘92-’95)
Episode 87 (Season 6): “The Chaperone”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Moose Skowron (1B, NY Yankees ‘54-’62)
Episode 55 (Season 4): “The Visa”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Danny Tartabull (OF, NY Yankees ‘92-’94)
Episode 87 (Season 6): “The Chaperone”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Episode 89 (Season 6): “The Pledge Drive”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Bill Virdon (C, Amateur FA signing by Yankees in ‘50)
Episode 114 (Season 7): “The Wink”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

Bernie Williams (OF, NY Yankees ‘91-’06)
Episode 143 (Season 8): “The Abstinence”
Note: casted, speaking lines, appeared

Mookie Wilson (OF, NY Mets ‘80-’81)
Episode 35 (Season 3): “The Boyfriend (2)”
Note: referenced, no lines, no appearance

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Cardinals Trade For Holliday; Mustache Pending

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 13:38:02 -0400

We’re not really into the “breaking news” business, so by now, you’ve probably heard that the St. Louis Cardinals have essentially given up the farm (literally) for Oakland slugger, Matt Holliday. If you’re interested in numbers, contracts or exactly how bad Billy Bean shoved his proverbial boot up St. Louis’ proverbial ass for the second time in the past five years…you can get that somewhere else.

Frankly, we’re more concerned with how a traded player reacts to being traded to a team full of porn ’staches. Is that brought up in the negotiations?

Look, Matt…we’re very interested in acquiring you, hitting you behind Albert…but you’re going to need to sprout some upper lip fur. You know, a lower nose beard of sorts. Does that seem like something you can do? K, great.

It’s all very baffling. For that reason, we’ve provided several examples for Mr. Holliday to consider.

Personally, the Clark Gable style in the bottom row, second from the right, tickles our fancy. Take note, Holliday.

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Traditional Sports Media Outlets Dead?

JoeSportsFan — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 16:20:45 -0400

Most of you who read JoeSportsFan know that I like to write about extremely stupid stuff—especially my 5 Ms of mustaches, midgets, monkey, mullets and Mr. T.

Today, I bring you a more thoughtful post than I would normally offer. This one about sports media—both old and new.

I’ll start with when I woke up Wednesday morning after a night fraught with 12 PBRs. I came downstairs, walked outside, and picked up this thing the young people today call a “newspaper.”

It was kind of an ashy white with black lettering—some in bold typeface and some not. It had color photos of people who looked like they were unhappy or sweating a lot while they consumed vast quantities of pork products. Interesting, novel.

Like the rest of you, I’m a sports fan and I found this section called “SPORTS.”

I read this black typeface that was in bold and had a photo of a joyless guy. His name was Bryan Burwell, and his headline read, “Steelers QB latest to land on hot seat.”

I thought to myself, “Wow, I didn’t hear anything about this on any of the ESPN properties like .com, ESPN Radio, or Sports Center. What up with Ben Roethlisberger?”

So I read Happy Burwell’s piece and it suggested Big Ben may have learned nothing from the Kobe Bryant rape case.

As you probably know by now, he has a new civil suit filed against him by a young lady who claims he took a few too many liberties. Not good business at all for anyone—especially a Super Bowl winning QB.

I found it odd that this was the first time I had heard about it—this from someone who spends a fair amount of time on ESPN and sports blogs —hell, I write for this one.

But for the most part blogs and sports media in general has been inundated covering Michael Vick’s prison release (no more Dickies!) and the Erin Andrews naked hotel video debacle.

Deadspin at least had something posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, July 21, as the story was breaking.

I went to Twitter—the true source for immediacy—where I found these Tweets.

Beau_DEE_Ful: OMG SMFH @ BEN ROETHLISBERGER DID HE LEARN NOTHING FROM KOBE BRYANT??? NO MESSING WITH HOTEL EMPLOYEES SHEESH!! a few seconds ago

Lucia027: Will need a QB for my fantasy football team (”Christina’s Convicts”). Looks like Ben Roethlisberger will do nicely. #fb 1 minute ago

aschlos18: Ben Roethlisberger Assault: According to a lawsuit, Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is being accused o.. http://bit.ly/55oob 3 minutes ago

giftsandadvice: Pittsburgh Steelers Ben Roethlisberger and Pro Athletes Should Take Legal Sexual Precautions before sex http://tinyurl.com/nhjt6r 4 minutes ago

Steelers__News: Ben Roethlisberger / NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said Tuesday that he “will look into” the allegations #NFL #PIT 5 minutes ago

Clearly, it was making the rounds. But not hearing anything about this trainwreck from ESPN, which has essentially cornered the marketing on sports media?

Surprising, but then I saw ProFootballTalk.com reporting that ESPN made an editorial decision to not report on it.

OK, they piled on Kobe too much an figured they’d take a more measured approach here and wait it out a bit.

So I started thinking about the implications as well as my reactions as a sports news consumer.

I rely far too much on ESPN and actually use one of Chris Berman’s socks as a washcloth.
Most stories today—whether it be sports, news, or trends on retired Muppets—are beginning outside the traditional media forum.
Traditional media, however, is still the validating point that reignites any story.
ESPN has far too much power and should be destroyed with the exception of Scott Van Pelt’s wardrobe.

Most important, especially for those who are media doomsday forecasters: Traditional media is not dead.

Are blogs and social media taking off in terms of value to, say, companies who wish to use them to reach target audiences?

Of course.

Just check out some of the stats in this piece from MediaPost.com such as the fact that companies with the highest levels of social media activity on average increased revenues by 18 percent in the last 12 months, while the least active saw sales drop 6 percent over that period.

The numbers don’t lie.

But traditional media is not dead. It’s just part of a broader spectrum of choices than we have ever had before…like if a few competitors popped up against Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb.

Carry on.

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The Legend of “Dunkiel” Grows

JoeSportsFan — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:30:58 -0400

Ozzie. Stan. Gibby. Lou. Albert. Dizzy.

Some of the most prominent figures in the century-old history of the St. Louis Cardinals franchise can be recognized with a single name. And while the names of these legends bring with them tales of greatness, soon there may be another added to the list...but for very different reasons.

Throughout the month of July, one of the three outfield slots in the Cardinals lineup has produced offensive numbers that are flirting with the wrong end of history. The name occupying that spot is simple, yet speaks volumes:

Dunkiel.

It is the combination of Tony La Russa pets Chris Duncan and Rick Ankiel, and together they have had one of the worst months of production in recent history.

Their collective offensive output over the month has been stunningly bad: three hits in 56 at bats, an on-base percentage of .209, a Slugging Percentage of .054, one run, two RBI, and 18 strikeouts.

Going into Monday’s game, of the 292 hitters in the Majors that have registered 25 plate appearances or more in July, Ankiel ranked 292nd in OPS, with Duncan just two slots above him at 290th.

And despite these struggles, on virtually every single night Hall of Fame manager Tony La Russa continues to pencil one, or both of them, into the starting lineup...typically batting as high as fifth. In 17 total games for the team in the month of July, 15 of them have seen one of the two in the starting lineup.

Let’s make it clear that it is not as if these two sluggers are simply having a rough month in an otherwise productive season. This is no coincidence.

For the season, Ankiel’s line looks like this: .213/.275/.356, 5 HR, 22 RBI, 17 BB, 54 K. Duncan’s isn’t much better: .228/.330/.359, 5 HR, 32 RBI, 41 BB, 67 K.

For those sabermetrically inclined, Duncan is currently clocking in with a -5.4 wRAA (Runs Above Average) according to Fangraphs, with Ankiel earning a spot in the league’s bottom 10 at -11.4.

As a comparison, Albert Pujols’ wRAA is 47.8.

Translation for those not saber-savvy: Albert Pujols could step up to the plate with a 12 inch Subway Club serving as his bat, and I would still be more confident in him getting a hit than I would Dunkiel under normal circumstances.

In 2006, The Hardball Times made a strong case that Neifi Perez was, in fact, the single worst hitter in baseball history. Needless to say, Perez had some rough stretches at the plate.

However, in evaluating his entire body of work, we found that at no time during his 12-year career did Perez have a month in which he posted an OPS as bad as Dunkiel’s. His worst came in June 2002, when he posted a .388.

Arguably the worst hitter in baseball history has never had a month as bad as July has been for Dunkiel.

What Cardinals fans are seeing may never be duplicated—a tandem of outfielders sharing time in the starting lineup and producing equally horrific numbers in an all-out battle to see who can take a seat on the bench permanently.

Just when it seemed like they might be starting to make a late run to respectability before the end of the month—with Ankiel going two-for-four last night in Houston—the second half of the tandem, Duncan, grounded into a game-ending double play in his only at bat.

Who could have seen that coming?

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The United States has a National Slow-Pitch Adult Softball Team.

JoeSportsFan — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 01:16:55 -0400

It finally happened. We don’t know how…or even why…but it did.

Slow-pitch adult men softball on ESPN.

Enough said.

On Saturday morning, the United States and Canadian National Adult Men Slow Pitch Softball teams squared off in the inaugural “Border Battle”. Frankly, I wasn’t aware that the United States had a National Team. Since this was the inaugural event, maybe it’s the first year for the team. Who knows. Anyway, hooray for the red, white, blue and mustached….because the United States won the game 30-23.

Truth be told, the final score was probably the least intriguing item from the miraculous event. Here were some of our favorites.

ESPN Broadcast Team Announced: a 10 second montage introduced lead ESPN softball analyst, Bobby Lutz. It’s always crucial for the network to explain to the listeners/viewers why the analysts belong in the booth and why you should value their opinion. Look no further than the following picture displayed by ESPN - which proudly displays a crucial aspect in the realm of overall softball wherewithal; a killer mustache. This guy knows his shit.

Official Pregame Analysis: once the game opened up for official business, the broadcast team debuted their “Keys to the Game”—which is an essential part to any major ESPN production. The keys for our Northern friends were fairly straight forward; timely hitting and solid defense.

Tips for the American team were slightly more perplexing.

We understand (read: mockingly acknowledge) the “utilize homeruns effectively” key. Teams are only allowed 10 homeruns. When every 400 pound gorilla steps up to the plate and mashes the ball 550 feet, rules like that are necessary. Besides, it lets these monkeys believe that “finesse” is a crucial aspect of the game.

Apparently, one of the keys to victory for the United States National Slow-Pitch Softball team is good, old-fashioned trust. You gotta trust your teammates, kids. We’re not sure what led to this analysis, but we’re anxiously awaiting full disclosure. What caused the high-level of distrust in the United States locker room? Perhaps one player stole another player’s can of dip. Maybe one player poked fun at another player’s jean shorts. Who knows. These are the questions that must be answered.

ESPN Splash Graphics: during a usual broadcast of a major sporting event, a viewer is inundated with statistics and tiny factoids about a given player. This was true during ESPN broadcast of Adult Slow-Pitch Softball. The design crew really delivered the necessary information to the viewers; name, height, city of origin, and the make/model of the $500 aluminum bat that the player is swinging. Crucial insight.

True Athleticism: it’s not an exact science, but kicking your leg as high as possible while wearing baseball pants as an adult male will deliver maximum power when you’re at the dish. Seriously. Chicks dig the long ball, just ask the beauties sitting behind home plate.

Since dingers are down across the board in Major League Baseball, the smart groupies have transitioned their voyeurism to the softball diamond—where raking and mashing are always at an all-time high.

Proper Usage of Oakley Razor Blades: final statistics are still pending, but early results showed that when a group of adult men were brought together for a softball pep talk, 9 out of 10 were wearing some model of Oakley sunglasses that were crafted in the 1980’s.

At this angle, we’re unsure if DeDonatis is rocking some blades. Actually, no. We’re not unsure.

Key Managerial Substitutions: with the United States sitting on a 26-19 lead in the sixth inning, United States Head Coach, Steve Shortland, went to his ‘pen to bring in a crafty Southpaw. In Major League Baseball, many managers utilize their bullpens by leveraging key pitcher/batter match-ups late in the game. Other key aspects of a successful MLB relief pitcher include grit, determination, and a high strikeout-to-walk ratio.

The same can be said for softball relievers…with the added characteristics of tighter ballpants, two unnecessary batting gloves hanging out of their back pockets and a completely useless towel hanging from their ass.

Inspiration from the Skipper: some people at home might be wondering, “Why on Earth do a bunch of grown men running around a dirt field pretending to be professionals need a designated grown man to tell them what to do?” It’s a fair question, really. Well, here’s your answer, you cynics; inspiration.

Do you think it’s easy being the best at what you do? It’s not. To ease some of the tension is United States Head Coach, Steve Shortland.

Take it away, Steve.

For those scoring at home, below is a transcribed version of Mr. Shortland’s moment of glory.

“I tell my guys all the time; no matter what you’ve done in your softball career—you could be in every association’s Hall of Fame…you could be a 20 time All American…but when you fill out your softball resume and you talk to your grandkids about what you’ve done the best, this will be at the top of the list.”

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All Star Fan Fest A Cluster Of Wasteful Spending

JoeSportsFan — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 13:14:28 -0400

Today represents a return to normalcy in Baseball-St. Louis. The All Star Game and its accompanying hoopla is but a memory and the Cardinals are back on the road for a three game series in Houston after taking two of three against the hapless Diamondbacks at Busch this past weekend.

Even so, there is one more element to the hometown hosting an All Star Game that went unnoticed in our pinata of stories last week, that being the All Star Fan Fest.

In a nutshell, the All Star Game Fan Fest is a crock of nonsense and expensive bologna. Unless you’re under the age of seven, you probably won’t have fun at one of these things. The visuals can be seen online through search engines, the merchandise can likely be bought in a similar fashion and the only real “exclusive” to the event is getting an autograph from a Hall of Famer.

The following video is a quick-hit montage of the things I saw last Saturday, July 11, in and around America’s Center, site of the All Star Fan Fest. It might leave you with more questions than answers and that’s okay… because I left shaking my head that people were paying 30 bucks a ticket to get inside an All Star event that houses nothing but more opportunities to spend more money.

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Top 7 Musician Athletes

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 08:30:21 -0400

Going from music to sports or from sports to music, it’s tough to cross over. Sports has had its share of beyond-atrocious musical offerings: “B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret” the rap album, Shaq, random baseball players with the guitar, Frank Thomas’s record label called “Big Hurt Records,” and the kind of them all, Macho Man. Music to sports-wise, pretty much anyone who has ever played in a Rock and Jock Game or a celebrity softball game has clearly not belonged there, but there are exceptions. This week’s Top 7 looks at the best musicians who have played sports in public.

7. Garth Brooks

Unless I’m missing someone, he’s the only musician that has actually played baseball in a Spring Training game. Plenty of guys have taken batting practice (though you don’t hear much about people doing it anymore), but Brooks actually played in a game, grounding into a double play and making a play at second. It also set off at least six million “low places” references in articles the following day.

###MORE###

6. Flea

He hit six consecutive three-pointers in a Rock and Jock contest, and later made the game-winning ten-point shot. He surprisingly did all of it with clothes over his underwear as well. Research says that Bill Bellamy is actually in the Rock and Jock Hall of Fame, but it’s hard to include Bill Bellamy in a best-of list.

5. Nelly

His diving catch and home run in the celebrity softball game this past All-Star Weekend is the celebrity softball equivalent of Jim Edmonds’ 2004 NLCS home run/catch Game 6/Game 7 combo. It may be the single-greatest non-pro sports moment of all-time. Nelly also does a great job branding sports and music together, giving the Cardinals their due often in his videos. Plus he has an entire song about shoes.

4. Ice Cube

With that devastating hook that he shows in “It Was a Good Day,” you just have to take his word when he says that he was inexplicably keeping stats during a playground basketball game and hit for a triple-double, while simply messing around. That has to be the most famous basketball-themed line in rap history (though not the most awesome, that has to go to “guaranteed, make you jump like Rod Strickland” from Wu-Tang’s “Triumph.” Actually, that may be a Top 7 in itself). By the way, the guy who currently calls himself “Ice Cube” can’t possibly be the real Ice Cube. It’s safe to say that the guy who did the “Be True to the Game” video would hog tie the “Are We There Yet?” Ice Cube and thrown him in the trunk of his car.

3. Master P

Desperate for attention during the lockout, two NBA teams actually gave him contracts between 1998 and 1999. He wasn’t bad at basketball at all though, and dominated Rock n Jock games. There was also an underrated performance in a Rock n Jock baseball game where he shut down several major league players, including Brady Anderson, who hilariously declared that “I can’t believe that I’m 0 for 3 off Master P.” While he never set any records for points-per-game, he will hold the record for most records released for at least another trillion years. His No Limit label defined “throwing crap against the wall and seeing what sticks.” They would release at least four new CDs per week, with four songs having Master P grunting in the background and calling it “featuring Master P.” Snoop Dogg’s effort for No Limit remains of the worst rap albums ever.

2. Macho Man

It’s time for the bi-yearly Top 7 discussion of Randy Savage’s masterpiece, “Be a Man.” There is actually a video of 50 Cent endorsing Macho and his album. It is well worth a listen for lyrics like “I’m gonna kick you in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap.” If you have never listened to it, it is highly recommended that you find it online and check it out, preferably within the hour. Since Macho is a legitimate musician, it is mandatory to include him on a list such as this. Fantastic matches for well over a decade, the lovely Elizabeth, and many other accomplishments that you can hear about on his rap album, because he’s “the wrestling king, but now (he’s) spittin’ lyrics.”

1. Lil Romeo

And whether you can call Master P’s NBA contracts a gimmick or not, his son receiving a real scholarship from a real basketball program like USC definitely deserves real praise. You sure didn’t see Britney Spears signing with LSU for a volleyball scholarship after “Baby One More Time.”

The Top 7 is written by Jason Major. He considers himself the anti-Eminem because he raps about heterosexuals and Tylenol. Email him at jason@joesportsfan.com.

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JSF @ ASG: Bad Moment in Fan Sign History

JoeSportsFan — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 10:24:11 -0400

We’ve written about various types of fan signs in the past, but Tuesday night at the MLB All-Star Game, we witnessed an extremely low point in the marriage between Sharpie markers and poster-board.

Let’s quickly try to list some of the offenses in the following fan creation.

Mundane ESPN acronym usage, lack of creativity in letter utilization, rhyme fail between the letter “n” and “man”, runny ink, and a crossed-out idea…which is my favorite blunder because this artist logically decided that whatever was blacked out didn’t quite make the cut on his masterpiece.

I know, I know. He’s a kid. Give him a break, right?

Wrong.

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All Star Link Gala

JoeSportsFan — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:40:07 -0400

Continuing JoeSportsFan’s award winning All Star Game coverage, I bring to you a handful of links from around the Internet.

Stan The Man and El Hombre in photo slideshow form. [STL Today]
Albert Pujols will catch the first pitch from our nation’s 44th president at the All Star Game — early projections show a 78% chance of heavy use of “El Hombre catches El Presidente” in headlines across the globe.

And the president might hop in the booth to help stimulate the conversation between Buck and McCarver. [SI]

On the topic of the White House and the broadcast booth, could you imagine if Tim McCarver and Nancy Pelosi were teamed together for an inning? Christ almighty.

The latest roster changes for both sides. [MLB]

Meet the Texas All Star Trio. I had no idea Nelson Cruz was that good because I’m not a real journalist. [Dallas Morning News]

Answering the ancient, age-old question: Do hitters decline in power after competing in the Home Run Derby? [Hardball Times]

And because you know who will be anchoring the Home Run Derby coverage, a lot of drinking will be in order. It’s the Home Run Derby drinking game! [Home Run Derby]

Handicapping tonight’s derby. [Vegas Watch]

Satan’s minions love Albert Pujols! [Deadspin]

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JoeSportsFan at the 2009 MLB All-Star Game

JoeSportsFan — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:44:45 -0400

If you haven’t heard yet, the All-Star Game is this week. And it’s in St. Louis. And hey, we’re from St. Louis.

Alright alright. You knew all of that. Good, good. Let’s move on.

Over the next 48 hours, we plan on diving head first into the All-Star Game coverage, while giving you a glimpse into the sights and sounds of downtown St. Louis.

Check back early and often as we’ll deliver our observational appeal in and around the stadium. Maybe you’ll get some video from inside the stadium, or maybe you’ll get a picture of a homeless guy wearing a vintage Cardinals' hat. Who knows.

Let’s get you up to speed on some various odds and ends.

All-Star Game Signage

Residents of past All-Star Game host cities can attest that the decor in and around the target venue is usually pretty fantastic. The Major League Baseball colors of red, white, and blue coupled with the proximity to the Fourth of July omit a tremendous feeling of patriotism throughout the city.

All-Star Game advertisements reside on everything from downtown pubs to the recently-abandoned Bowling Hall-of-Fame.

The grand entrance to the stadium has been draped with a massive All-Star Game banner that is custom fit to the signature archway. And who doesn’t love festive bunting? You can put that crap anywhere and it looks good.

Interesting People

By their nature, national events bring an eclectic mix of people into one geographical area.

Another interesting aspect of this mix is the people that emerge within the host city. Through some sort of weird territorial inspiration, local residents feel the need to multiple their fanaticism by a factor of 10.

Take, for instance, this guy.

A St. Louis Blues' jacket with no sleeves, Fila under the shirt, fitted Cardinals' hat, batting gloves, some type of wrestling shoes, and sunglasses. And let’s not overlook the tights with complementary boxers shorts. This guy wants all tourists to know that the heart of sports loyalty resides in St. Louis, Mo., so back off.

Softball Village

Look, we can’t let it go. Our city built a freaking softball field on top of our beloved, previous version of Busch Stadium. Many of you have emailed us, wondering exactly how close this puppy is to the new Busch Stadium. Well, your answer is below.

That’s what they wanted to do? Build a softball field?

Fine. Let’s move on.

As of Sunday night, the magnificent softball field is being used for nothing more than a glorified dumping ground. Tents, Johnny on the Spots, BBQ pits, whatever. Actually, it’s being used for pretty much anything, but softball, which was (ironically) played inside Busch Stadium on Sunday afternoon by some local celebs.

Great to see the hallowed grounds being put to good use.

Stan Musial

Over the next day or two, you’re (hopefully) going to receive a crash course on the baseball career and life of the great Stan Musial. Over the weekend, the St. Louis Post Dispatch hosted a conversation and subsequent photo shoot between Albert Pujols and Stan Musial. The photo below is must-have for any die hard Cardinals fan.

Largely considered as one of the most underrated athletes of all-time, Musial figures to be one of the focal points of the pre-game ceremonies on Tuesday.

We’re sure you’ll hear more throughout the week, but here’s the skinny: Musial was a 24-time All-Star selection, accumulated 3,630 hits and 475 home runs, and was also named the National League’s MVP three times. Goodness.

As a resident St. Louisan, if ESPN decided to follow Musial like “The Truman Show” over the next 48 hours, it wouldn’t be enough for me. We’re hoping Musial has enough energy on Tuesday night to forgo his usual humility and give the crowd a glimpse at his signature swing.

Carry on, now. We’ll be back throughout the day, giving additional insight into the people and places around the 2009 MLB All-Star Game.

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Top Seven Worst Cubs Contracts

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 08:30:59 -0400

The Cardinals and Cubs meet at Wrigley this weekend for a huge four-game series, culminating with a day-night doubleheader on Sunday before the All-Star Break. It’s hard to expect a series as intense as the infamous (for Cards fans at least) five-game series in September 2003.

But with the Cubs bouncing back and forth between “awful” and “showing life” and the Cards in first place, with the weather warm, it’s going to be a heated weekend with fans attempting to set beer-drinking records. With their $134 million payroll, the Cubs aren’t getting a whole lot for that right now, and this week’s Top Seven looks at the worst contracts that help compose the NL’s second-highest total.

7. Jason Marquis

Trading him last off-season to the Rockies, the Cubs had to pick up $875,000 of his salary. He has gone on this year to an 11-5 record with a 3.61 ERA and an All-Star appearance. That being said, it’s hard to blame Cub fans for wanting to get rid of him, as there are few players more frustrating to have on your team.

6. Carlos Zambrano

“Big Z” is getting ace money and he is not an ace. $18 million a season through 2012 with an option for 2013. Plus you never know when he’ll snap and hit six consecutive batters.

5. Jim Hendry

He is possibly the most hated person in Chicago sports right now, and he is signed through 2012. Among his moves this off-season were trading fan favorite Mark DeRosa, for two reasons: to (allegedly) get prospects to deal for Jake Peavy, which never happened, and make room for more lefty bats in the Cub lineup. Enter signings Aaron Miles and Milton Bradley, both of whom come later in the list. When Aramis Ramirez was injured early this season, the Cubs needed a player exactly like DeRosa, and were forced to sign a real-life version of your fantasy waiver-wire pick-up/drop leader, Ryan Freel. Later, DeRosa went on the trade block, Hendry showed interest, but instead saw him go to the Cardinals. Rough ride for Hendry this year.

4. Kosuke Fukudome

In his defense, he has been pretty serviceable this season with a .382 OBP and 31st in the NL in OPS. But his worst part of his first season was the second half of last year, when he hit .217 and disappeared in the postseason. Those are type of numbers that make Cub fans stare in disbelief at the four years and $48 million that they’re paying him. Plus, $12 million per year should probably get you more than seven homers in the first half from an outfield spot, especially when Ryan Theriot has that many.

3. Milton Bradley

He and No. 1 on the list are running neck-and-neck for “most hated Cub of the decade,” impressive in just his first season. As much as he has gone through so far in his first year with the Cubs—getting tossed in his first Wrigley at-bat, claiming umps are against him and intentionally call bad strikes, throwing a ball in the stands even though there were only two outs, getting called a piece of s*** by Lou Piniella—you get the feeling that he’s got much more of that in him before the season finishes. And if not, you can bet it will happen sometime in the three-year, $30 million contract that he signed.

2. Aaron Miles

He is on the DL right now, where he is definitely more valuable to the team. Even if it was a two-year, $4 contract it would have been bad, but the Cubs gave him two years and $4.9 million. Evidently they had to try to outdo Neifi Perez’s current pace-setter as “worst multi-year contract to a short, light-hitting utility infielder.” It consistently looks like he’s about to head fishing at your local lake, but instead hits .203 with seven extra base hits and a .240 on-base percentage as he has so far this year. The one thing he had going for him was his goatee, and he shaved it this year too. Luckily he can pitch if you ever get down 17-1.

1. Alfonso Soriano

Here is a way for Cards fans to understand what Cub fans are going through. Soriano has a lower OPS this season than Chris Duncan and just 40 points higher than Rick Ankiel, who we Cards fans thought were surely the worst players in baseball history. He’s also barely above Luis Castillo, who has zero home runs. He plays left field miserably. He hit .216 in May and .198 in June, and has followed that up with a .238 clip so far in July, with no RBI in 21 at-bats. His last home run came on June 7. It’s bad enough if this were his last year, but he has an eight year, $136 million contract that doesn’t end until 2014. 2014!!! He also has some incentives, including a $75,000 bonus if he wins the Gold Glove. Why stop at $75,000? Why not just make it $3 trillion? It’s like offering me a $75,000 bonus if I find, hunt, kill and eat a stegosaurus.

The Top 7 is written by Jason Major. He’s getting paid handsomely by the Cubs to write for JoeSportsFan. Email him at jason@joesportsfan.com.

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JSF Selling Out…For Our Readers

JoeSportsFan — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:30:56 -0400

[All of the tickets to Fan Fest have been claimed by dozens of Tom Henke lovers. Thanks to those who responded]

Attention JoeSportsFan readers,

For those of you who will happen to be in our fair city for the 2009 MLB All Star Game this weekend, the fine folks at Wilson Sporting Goods have offered up some free tickets to the MLB All Star FanFest on Saturday afternoon at the Edward Jones Dome for us to dish out to the JSF faithful. When it comes to free stuff for our readers, we’re not above anything.

But we’re going to make you earn it with some Stump the Schwab-level trivia. In order to claim your free tickets, send an e-mail to josh@joesportsfan.com with the name of this JSF favorite who will be in attendance at the Fan Fest on Sunday:

Amongst those “legends” in attendance at Saturday’s event to sign autographs and host a Q&A with fans include one of the league’s finest jheri curls in Lee Smith and arguably the greatest mustache ever to grace a pitching mound in Rollie Fingers. Other names include Jack Clark, Fergie Jenkins, Fred Lynn, Juan Marichal, John Tudor and Earl Weaver.

Our thanks go out to Wilson—makers of the Official Ball Glove of Major League Baseball, the Official Catchers’ Protective Gear of MLB, and the Official Umpire Gear of MLB—for offering up some free tickets to JSF readers.

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Shakedown: The Blonde 'Stache (Contestant #1)

JoeSportsFan — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 09:56:48 -0400

Welcome back to the Shakedown!

It’s nearly All-Star weekend in baseball — a weekend MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has tried to rid of the mustache — so we appreciate those of you who have joined on to participate in the All-Star ‘Stache Dash and possibly win free tickets to the Mid-Summer classic.

Our latest “Monthly Mustache Shakedown” begins with a look at the “Best Blonde Mustache,” and where better to start than with a former major league All-Star?

Sure, that doesn’t leave us with many to choose from, but JSF’s Mustache Dept. Research Staff is very good. Very good indeed.

And they put forward a fine candidate in Cory Snyder, who is arguably best remembered from this 1987 Sports Illustrated cover story claiming the Cleveland Indians would win the American League East. They finished in seventh and lost 101 games.

But you know what? It didn’t matter. Not one bit. Because the Mustached American people had two representatives (Snyder and Joe Carter) of our ranks on the front cover of one of the finest magazines of the 20th Century (do they still print Sports Illustrated?).

Snyder went from the Great White Hype to your run-of-the-mill professional ballplayer, which means, he was better than 99.9 percent of those who read JSF.

And the man had that mustache, blond and delicate yet full of flavor and nuggets of refined mucus membranes. That does not suck.

In the end, Snyder played for nine seasons, batting .247 with a 149 HRs and 14 women conquested by his lower nose garden.

After Cleveland — a great mustache town — his mustache found suiters in Toronto, Chicago (White Sox), San Francisco and LA.

So here’s to Cory Snyder, our first offering in The Shakedown’s “Best Blond Mustache” contest. As always, we of course now ask for your suggestions on our final three candidates, as JSF is only as good as the quality of your semi-worthless suggestions.

Carry on.

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Mike Lupica Still Sucks Horribly

JoeSportsFan — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 14:44:57 -0400

The unfortunate, sad tale of Steve McNair has given the green light to smarmy nitwits like Mike Lupica to bash gun-owners of America. Lupica’s column titled “Steve McNair’s face becomes just another victim of gun culture” is so ridiculous and full of knee jerks that I’m surprised the author was above the age of 7.And before we go any further, I’ll answer your question: yes, I’m surprised I’m even writing about Lupica, because I had forgotten he was around. How I long for the days where Lupica was sitting next to a sweaty Bill Conlin on the Sports Reporters for the slim possibility that Conlin might take a bite out of him.

Anyway, Lupica is a shark who smells blood in the water; he’s a bitter media hack using a senseless tragedy to exploit what he perceives as a bigger issue. It smells very similar to the mainstream media reaction to the Benoit murder-suicide two summers ago. That go-around, it was “wrestling” and “steroids” that caused the deaths, this go-around, it’s the gun-loving culture of America.

Before we begin, let’s point out a factual error of the sports variety, simply because it has come up on these pages in the distant past.

McNair took his team down the field when it had a chance to upset the Rams and threw a ball to Kevin Dyson and Dyson ended up a yard short as time ran out, ended up a yard short of being a Super Bowl champion the way McNair did.

In reality, the Titans were a yard short of being a point away from being tied in the Super Bowl. But that’s not the reason for this post, so let’s move forward to the oh-so important words of Michael Lupica.

Now he dies in a Nashville condominium with a 20-year-old woman not his wife, multiple gunshot wounds, one to the head, the young woman dead there next to him … The gun was found next to the woman, Sahel Kazemi. Where did the gun come from? Where it always comes from: Somewhere.

Very, very insightful. Where did the gun come from? It came from somewhere. ###MORE###

The latest reports say Sahel Kazemi purchased the gun two days before the murder. Sahel Kazemi is 20 years old — you need to be 21 to legally purchase a handgun. If gun control meant it was illegal to carry, Kazemi could still find a gun since, you know, she did it illegally.

This weekend he was famous again, this time as a crime statistic, homicide victim, dead by gun.

“Dead by gun?” Lupica acts as if the gun grew its own legs, jogged over to the Nashville condominium, opened the door and fired four shots at Steve McNair. It has nothing to do with the fact that he was leading a double life, sleeping with 20 year old woman while his wife and children were at the family home.

This was a spectacular weekend for sports, in tennis especially. Sunday, Roger Federer and Andy Roddick played one of the great matches of all time at Wimbledon, with Federer winning 16-14 in the fifth set. The day before, Serena and Venus Williams had played against each other in another Wimbledon final, Serena winning this time.

The Williams sisters came to another moment like this from public courts in Compton, Calif. Six years ago, their oldest sister, Yetunde, was shot dead while sitting in a white SUV on Greenleaf Blvd. in Compton. The Williams sisters have always shown that even in a white, country-club sport like tennis, anything is possible. They are as famous around the world as McNair was in football and it did nothing to save their sister when bullets started flying one night in Compton.

Yetunde Price was their half-sister. She was shot by a member of a gang — Robert Maxfield — with an assault rifle. Her boyfriend was the intended target while they were driving through a chronically violent area of south L.A.

Far be it for me to speak for rational people, but most of us don’t believe the “right to carry” includes assault rifles … especially near gang crack houses.

This time they started flying on Second Ave. in Nashville. According to the The Tennessean newspaper, McNair had a permit to carry a handgun. The weapon found next to the bodies was a semiautomatic.

True — a semiautomatic that was illegally obtained. Ironically, it was obtained shortly after McNair bailed her out jail for a DUI charge. Hypothetical: perhaps if McNair had been legally carrying his handgun, he’d still be alive today.

There were so many wonderful statistics attached to McNair’s career, the most important being the one Super Bowl, the four Pro Bowls to which he was selected, all the games he won. But the last was the only one that mattered. He is the 36th homicide victim in Nashville this year. That is down from 41 at the same time last year.

Only in a country of gun lovers is that considered progress.

Yep … all of us horrible people living in this horrible country (made horrible by our horrible-ness) view the murder of Steve McNair as progress.We’re terrible.

It’s all those people who legally and responsibly carry who are responsible. Not Steve McNair, who cheated on his wife with a shady, irresponsible 20 year old and it certainly isn’t the 20 year old’s fault, who more than likely pulled the trigger four times on McNair and then once on her own head.

By the way, statistics show that homicides of boyfriends (perpetrated by the girlfriend) occur with a knife more than a gun. I’ll take a page from Lupica’s extremeism and say that our country of knife-lovers is responsible for that.

Stop buttering your pancakes, people.

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Patriotic Sports Moments that Chilled the Spine

JoeSportsFan — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 10:00:49 -0400

When the suspense and jubilation of sports merges with one’s love of country, this rare moment has the power to etch an indelible imprint on the sports fan’s soul.

Like Rocky Balboa defeating Ivan Drago on the big screen, we’re somehow captivated by these moments to the point that we feel our state of life and mind is better, if only for a short period of time.

While that may or may not be the case, there is no point in pondering because sports is, by (unofficial) definition, entertainment, and a diversion from reality. We can enjoy and interpret it any way we want. After all, we’re Americans, dammit!

To celebrate our nation’s 233rd birthday, here are some of the greatest American sports moments since 1980. Why 1980? Um, because I didn’t want to leave out that ice hockey game.

Miracle on Ice

Admittedly, I was just a shade under three years from living on this planet in February, 1980, but having watched the movie Miracle, and having seen countless documentaries, I can’t help but get chills during the last five seconds of the game.

And whether it was real or a figment of Hollywood’s imagination (most signs point to the latter), the post-game “AGAIN” scene in the film where Herb Brooks eventually asks Mike Eruzione, “Who do you play for?” is freaking awesome.

Whitney Houston’s Super Bowl National Anthem

A historic Super Bowl XXV was made memorable before the opening kickoff. The sea of American flags, coupled with Houston’s rendition, left little doubt that celebrity involvement at the Super Bowl can be useful and highly effective.

Thankfully, Whitney’s Star Spangled Banner didn’t have fans jumping up and down like morons a la the Super Bowl halftime show.

Hulk Hogan Defeats Sgt. Slaughter

It’s one thing for a pop star to sing America’s national anthem in a time of war at the Super Bowl, it’s another for America’s wrestling hero to put an end to the war by defeating an American turncoat and Iraqi sympathizer at WrestleMania 7.

Hey, don’t look at me, Gorilla Monsoon said as much after the pinfall.

No one can write an American song quite like Rick Derringer, by the way.

The Dream Team

Sure it was expected, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that the world’s super power fielded a global power for a basketball team at the ‘92 Olympics.

Seeing MJ, Magic, Larry Legend, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, Christian Laettner, Patrick Ewing, David Robinson, Clyde the Glide, Chris Mullin, Scottie Pippen, and John Stockton stand together as one “for America” with gold around their chests is something that will never be duplicated by any modern day “dream team” assemblage.

Stars and Stripes Challenge

It wasn’t of the national importance of Lex Luger’s body slam of the unstoppable Yokozuna on the USS Intrepid, nor was it his instant transformation from narcissistic heel to Hulk Hogan’s replacement that did it for me; it was those two things PLUS the fact that he did it wearing stone-washed jeans.*

This was arguably the peak for stone-washed jeans in America, according to many historians.

Kerri Strug’s Vault

I’m a dude, and I don’t really care about gymnastics (male or female), but I still remember watching the event and feeling more American as a result. And knowing what we now know about Bela Karolyi, this flashback takes on even more significance.

Don’t forget about Muhammad Ali’s lighting of the torch to commence the games, either. That was a sports moment to behold as well.

Brandi Chastain’s Bra-Breasts

Along the lines of Kerri Strug, the 1999 Women’s World Cup is something no average American fan would remember had it not been for the ladies capturing the gold on a penalty kick by a woman draped in obscurity up until she took of her shirt and celebrated in hysteria.

The decision to take off her shirt might be the most important moment in women’s soccer history. I say "might" because I don’t know much else about women’s soccer—which pretty much proves the point.

U.S. Comeback at the 1999 Ryder Cup

The post-match celebration was enough to piss off the rest of the sporting world and bring a chill to the native fan’s spine.

WWE Smackdown 9-11 Tribute

While the NFL opted to cancel a week of football, and Major League Baseball took nearly a week off following the terrorist attacks of 9-11, the WWE (then WWF) aired SmackDown! two nights later on September 13th.

The matches that took place were irrelevant; it was the shear prospect of living the spirit that “the terrorists won’t stop us from living our normal lives” that was so memorable.

Vince McMahon’s opening speech was great, and ring announcer Lillian Garcia’s performance of the Star Spangled Banner was inspiring.

For this sports fan’s money, there isn’t a better singer of our nation’s anthem than Garcia.

She’s pretty good at America the Beautiful, too.

Jack Buck 9-11 Poem

This poem was documented a few weeks ago on this site, but it shouldn’t be forgotten in the class of modern patriotic sports moments. America’s pastime knew no better American spokesman than John Francis Buck.

Patriots Win Super Bowl 36

This one leaves a bitter taste in my mouth because a) I live in St. Louis, and b) the Patriots have been accused of cheating.

Whatever history officially declares won’t take away from the improbability of the New England Patriots monumental upset just months after the World Trade Center was left in ruins, though.

Michael Phelps Gold Medal Record

Bong or no bong, any time an American makes Olympic swimming the topic of nearly a month of sports discussion, he has done something spectacular. Phelps is a freak of nature who made us watch and cheer for the USA. Hacksaw Jim Duggan surely approves.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

* Denotes the fact that I really didn’t think the body slam was patriotic, I just thought Luger’s wardrobe was so ridiculous it needed documentation at some point.

If I overlooked something, please feel free to contribute in the comments.

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Top Seven Living American Athletes

JoeSportsFan — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 10:40:07 -0400

Have you ever ranked your “tiers” of teams in sports?

For instance, my first tier would be the St. Louis Cardinals and a team to be named in a couple of lines. Second tier, I have Southern Illinois basketball. Third tier, Illinois basketball. All else is pretty much below that.

My point is that everyone has one team that should be in their first tier—the old U S of A! USA! USA!

I, unfortunately, have never been able to root for the USA live, so I have never been part of a legitimate USA chant. Plenty of USA chants, but never one directly related to a sporting event, it was always at bars after Michael Phelps wins gold medals, or at pro wrestling.

One of my personal goals in life is to be part of a legitimate USA chant. It’s achievable, I believe.

The point of all of this is that it’s Fourth of July weekend, which means that it’s time for the Top Seven to update its greatest Americans in sports list. Happy birthday America!

7. Albert Pujols

In classic Pujols fashion, he scored a perfect 100% on his American citizenship test a couple of years ago. He’s also about halfway through one of the best seasons that anyone has ever had in baseball history.

He has guys hitting behind him that have hit right around .220 this year. He’s still on pace for over 60 home runs. He is destroying anything that people give to him right now, which is not much.

Perhaps the most amazing part of his season is his ten stolen bases, which leads the Cardinals. Ten. He has a shot to go 60/20 this season.

It’s going to be entertaining to see which national writer tries to give the first half NL MVP to someone else. Whoever it is, they should never be allowed to write about baseball ever again.

6. Mark Cuban

Just because it’s like a real-life “Little Big League.” He gets to do anything he wants for as long he wants. That’s awesome.

5. Shaq

He’s fun-loving, and very much enjoys eating. He also has dreams of being in Hollywood (Kazaam is so good), but when it comes down to it, wouldn’t mind settling down as a simple blue-collar working police officer.

He’s also on Twitter, which is apparently not only a prerequisite to be an American right now, but also necessary to mention at least once every 90 seconds if you are a member of the media.

4. Lance Armstrong

An inspirational figure for winning all of those races against the darned French, plus anyone who can also start a good-old American trend (those bracelets) on top of that is guaranteed a spot on the list.

If this was a general Greatest Americans list, the guy who decided to start selling shoes that light up as you walk would have to make the list as well.

3. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

There is no prouder American than Hacksaw. You are probably giving a thumbs-up and saying “Hoooo!” right now just from reading his name.

The question is whether someone who has seen Hacksaw live can claim that they have legitimately been part of a USA chant. I say yes.

It would be fun to carry an American flag with you everywhere you went like Hacksaw. “Hacksaw” is a profoundly American name in itself. His finishing move, the three-point stance, is as American as apple pie and shooting things. Long live Hacksaw!

2. John Daly

Loves to golf, gets pissed off when he does badly, smokes and drinks on the course, gets girls to show their breasts, and loses tons of money gambling. It’s a wonder that he can’t be No. 1.

1. Charles Barkley

He was never afraid to dunk on someone’s head, sometimes just for the hell of it. He is proud of his massive weight problem, and celebrates it by continuing to eat.

He loves gambling, will say whatever is on his mind, and parlays all of that into a discussion of running for public office (though the whole DUI thing has probably put a bit of a damper on those plans).

He’s also helped his country win a gold medal. Charles Barkley—sports’ greatest American.

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