Bleacher Report - Articles by Simon Birmingham

Captain Al's Sunday Booty: Ode To Oaklands Raider

Simon Birmingham — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 14:07:01 -0500

The seas be calm the skies true blue,
Sails be pushin', straight and true.

pull up a chair, pass the bloody swill,
Silence the mangy parrot & keep em still.

We be happy with our new plundered prize,
It be one our greatest, no compromise.

Sailin' to the port of Oakland was we,
Our treasure in hand, our hearts filled with glee.

Out of the blue, rogue storm pressed our ship,
Close to the shore the howlin' winds did whip.

Ship in danger from rocks and island surf,
The boilin' storm stole our joyous mirth.

Too late for a run in deeper waters wide,
Lower the sails, 'tis a rollicking ride.

Waves poured over, tossin our stout ship,
Man yer station scallywags, get a good grip.

Captain Davis went to the bow near maidens peak,
Opening his water skin, he began to speak.

Watchin' him from the jib as I did me work,
His hands cuppin' water his thumbs did jerk.

Standin' with purpose movin' his hands into liquid,
The angry waters went still, they fell calm and rigid.

The waters took shape, lookin' like a whales skin,
Pushin' our ship with a determined wind.

Our tiny ship tossed, the bow dipped a bit,
Out to open sea, I thought this be it.

Further out we headed, agin' wind and wave,
Knowin' that moment our lives he did save.

I seen the conjured creatures with me own eyes,
They saved our sorry necks from our own demise.

Exquisite and graceful they bounded forth,
Our ship and crew saved, we headed true north.

Cap'n Al turned round to his trusty first mate
"Coach Cable those creatures will help determine your fate

I'll provide you with them to be Sunday Raiders,
To bring back the glory and booty to savor

I need you to hurry there's no time to waste,
The Reaper is calling me forth with some haste

You hold the key to my eternal reward,
the glorious bounty I could always afford.

My time here on earth is near drawing down
So bring back our Lombardi where it belongs....in Oaktown!!!"

*****This is an original adaptation of an uncredited pirate poem that has been written, rewritten and posted anonymously. I used the original poem as a base but changed many of the words, phrases and rhythmic timing. I also made up many of the verses completely on my own to obviously fit my "Captain Al" theme and I don't believe I left any of the original verses unchanged. I could not find any original author references or claims for credit, but I did not want to appear to post this as a 100% original by any means:)*****

Thanks for reading and any comments or responses positive or negative would be appreciated!

Simon Birmingham

Guaranteed Winner! A PPR Fantasy Football Lineup For Dummies

Simon Birmingham — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 09:59:27 -0500

The wonderful world of Fantasy Football is now in the saving face portion of the playoff season. For many, the desperate last dash of the four weeks of NFL playoff games are the last chance to redeem themseves after their hopes, dreams and draft day homework came crashing down in the first few weeks of big name injuries and slow starts from high rated performers. Normally this started a trend from which they spent there whole season trying to recover from, some successfully, some not. Hey, it was hard for anyone to dig their way out of an 0-3 start when they had rosters containing Tom Brady, Joe Addai, Marquis Colston and Antonio Gates or a plethera of other top draft picks dropping the ball so to speak,literally in Braylon Edwards case!! Now, as the second week of the second season approaches, I have put together a starting fantasy lineup for a Points Per Reception League that is guaranteed to get you through in contention for next week! I used the PPR system because I am involved in a league that uses that format, so what I put forth IS the actual starting lineup I am going to use one for whatever thats worth. There are some close decisions that could be affected with gametime new, Anquan Boldin is a major question mark for all to watch, but for the most part I am comfortable that this combination will score well for a competitive total. Any alternate suggestions would be greatly appreciated by all fantasy players this weekand, escpecially me, and some differing opinions are welcome. Please feel free to list anything you think would score better under the Points Per Reception scoring system and Good Luck to all the fantasy fiends enjoying the end of an interesting year!

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A Ray-Rey of Hope for the Oakland Raiders Defense?

Simon Birmingham — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 06:59:20 -0500

"And with the No. 7 pick in the 2009 NFL draft the Oakland Raiders select...?"

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa—TIMEOUT, SLOW DOWN, AND RELAX!!! Let's just wait right there, hold on to your horses, back that bandwagon up a tiny bit and think about this for a second.

The last time the Oakland Raiders drafted out of this position their choice was Michael Huff, the safety from the University of Texas. Many feel it was a questionable pick—at the very least—with various positions that needed to be addressed at the time, and the fact they could have probably traded down a few slots and still got Huff if they had their hearts set on him.

Although I would not label Huff anyhere near a bust, he has not yet developed into the defensive playmaker the team thought the talented and athletic young man would be.

Hopefully the acquisition of a true professional like Gibril Wilson to mentor the defensive backfield, lead with his tremendous work ethic and smashmouth bring-it-every-play mentality, will help inspire all the young players to practice, and play, to their full potential. There were reports all season long of the fact that Michael Huff was like a shadow to Wilson on and off the practice field, and put a very real effort in trying to learn from the veterans leadership.

This leads me to present the following scenario for you to mull over and think about as to whether it would improve the Raiders lagging run defense, as well as the leadership and locker room mentality.

First let me say this: re-signing, or franchising, Asomugha, that should not even be a consideration or something that needs even two seconds of actual thought. Whatever it takes, however it takes, he HAS to be brought back—and hopefully with a long term contract. So I will be going on a premise that he will still be wearing Silver & Black.

Going with the idea we are young, solid, and improving in the defensive backfield; and with Derrick Burgess, Tommy Kelly, Gerrard Warren, Terdell Sands, and the emergence of Jay Richardson, it seems like there is the talent there for the defensive line to start to control the line of scrimmage.

Which brings me to what has been a problem area for what seems like many, many years for the Oakland Raiders defense: impact and dominant linebackers.

It seems like many of the recent defenses who have been effective in controlling and affecting the outcome of the game—like Baltimore, Chicago, New England and Tampa Bay—have had a a core of linebackers who were the heart, soul, and motor for squad. The Giants defensive line was awesome in the Super Bowl, but remember what Antonio Pierce did from his linebacking position through the playoffs?

This is what came to my mind when I thought about what I would like to see the Raiders do to address the linebacking position for next year.

Ray Lewis is an unrestricted free agent available to sign next year. Oakland and Al Davis are know for throwing huge money at aging veterans with Lewis' resume to come to the Bay for a 2-4 year finale to their careers. This has worked out both positively and negatively for the organization through the years—and whenever it does work out, it normally means a visit to the Super Bowl.

The Raiders—and by that, I mean Al Davis—could offer Lewis enough money to entice him out here, while making it unfeasible for Baltimore or anyone else to sensibly match the offer. He has done it before for players of lesser caliber and lower credentials, and Lewis is the type of player Al will bend over backwards for.

The leadership aspect and team attitude adjustment alone justifies the move, and I think if Ray Lewis were to consider leaving the Ravens, it would be to a team with the history, fan base, and young talent that the Raiders do. I think it would appeal to his mentality to come to Oakland and help restore the winning tradition the Raiders have always had until these past six seasons.

That would put an exclamation point on his Hall of Fame career.

Now, when the draft comes around and the number seven slot is about to be chosen, the Raiders can consider drafting USC linebacker Rey Maualuga a few spots early to tandem up with the other Ray, the best teacher and mentor a young defensive player could ever have. That would add another top ten talent to a defense that is loaded and just looking for the right scheme, and coordinator, to take advantage of it, and use them correctly—Romeo, o' Romeo, where for art thou Romeo!

Anyone who has seen this guy terrorize and dominate the college football scene for the past three years for USC has seen the qualities displayed that are lacking at the position for the Raiders.

While Morrison and Howard are emerging players with potential growth who would only get better with the addition of two playmakers to help them out, there doesn't seem to be a leader in the linebacking core, or the defense for that matter. Ray Lewis would be that leader, and Rey Maualuga would be there for him to pass the torch to over to.

You just get the sense that Maualuga is a natural born leader that seems to always play big in the most important games, and has instincts that you cannot teach but are instilled within. Pair that up with a couple of seasons under the wing of one of the best ever to play that position and you have an up and coming future superstar that has been taught the right approach to the game.

I don't know about you, but it excites me to think about watching those two play together for the next couple of years and the REAL difference they would make in regards to the atmosphere around the facility.

And if there is a REAL leader for the defense, and a change at defensive coordinator, other key free agents might be excited enough by the prospect of joining a young and hungry defense on the way up the league's ladder, and want to be a part of The Silver & Black resurrection.

Heck, they might not even have to overpay them to come here. What a concept!!!

Obviously, there is a gap that could best be described as a "Black Hole" in the front office under the disguise of a General Manager job vacancy. And the coaching carousel for the staff has just begun to get cranked up. I think there are quite a few of us that hope Coach Cable isn't on it, and Greg Knapp and Rob Ryan are, but those are subjects for a completely different conversation.

For now, while I sit up here in the Great Northwest, shoveling snow, picking the icicles off my Raiders Fan Parking sign in my driveway, and forlornly counting down the days as the time I live for as a sports fan dwindles down to it's last few games, I have found great comfort in immersing myself with the unlikely vision that there could be a Ray-Rey light of hope for The Nation, and next years version of The Silver & Black defense!!!

Call me a dreamer, but what else is there to do in two feet of snow, 12-degree weather, and your team is not in the playoffs—AGAIN!?

Did the last six years REALLY happen, or have I been trapped in some recycled nightmare???

Why Would an Oakland Raiders Fan Living in Oregon Like the Dallas Cowboys?

Simon Birmingham — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 20:38:40 -0500

Well, if there was ever a picture worth a thousand words, there it is. I should just stop with the headline and the photo and be good to go. I should...but I won't! Once you have thrown a ridiculous headline like that on an article, there better be more than a captioned photo, so please allow me to explain myself.

First and foremost, to The Nation, my Silver & Black brothers and sisters whom I struggle with every day, NO, emphatically NO, I am not jumping ship, losing faith, or wavering in my support and LOVE for the Oakland Raiders.

They are my first love, my sports team soulmate, so to speak, and as they suffer, I suffer. I bleed Silver & Black, and I've been bleeding a lot the last few years; in fact, hemorrhaging would be more accurate.

No, the photo is great and so are those beautiful ladies in those wonderful uniforms, but the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders are not the reason I have a lot of love and respect for the the Dallas Cowboys' organization and its football team.

That part would stem back to my days as a youth growing up in Ventura County, CA and the visits I used to make with my parents to see the Dallas Cowboys' spring training facility at Cal Lutheran College in Thousand Oaks.

Even back then as a young budding member of The Nation, I was impressed with the players and coaches and I have many memories and photos of getting to interact with Roger Staubach, Craig Morton, Lance Rentzel and others. (Please don't start on me with "The Nation," there has only ever been one fan base that can refer to itself as that and be the originators and it's not The Red Sox, enough said!)

Had I not been already enamored with those Silver and Black Oakland Raider "bad boys" and their young coach who was the spitting image of my Dad, the LA Rams fan, I'm sure those early visits would have been more influential. But as much as I tried to hide it, I always had a soft spot and a mutual admiration for the boys in blue, and I never have been a hater.

In fact there is a bond between Raiders and Cowboys fans of being the two most hated teams and fanbases in football and possibly all of sports, along with the Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, and Celtics.

Haters will always permeate through the mainstream media with all of these teams and they are littered all over the Internet posting sites as well. I have a brothers-in-arms attitude to most of the fans from these teams except for the obnoxious few.

Flash-foward 30 years or so and here I am with two boys, ages 15 and six, who are as hardcore Oakland Raiders fans as their old man. The only little wrinkle in our nirvana is that along with my diehard Dallas Cowboys fan of a wife are two precious little girls as well, ages 11 and five, who are just like their Mamma, all dressed up in their Blue and Silver, screaming at the top of their lungs,"Getcha popcorn ready" or "How 'bout dem Cowboys!"

And if I never hear Soulja Boy again, it will be too late to keep it from being permanently burned into my brain," whatch me throw it to TO".....yes I have even heard the Romo version!!!

So, you see, I really have no choice but to like and even love the Cowboys, especially when my youngest little princess flashes those big baby blues at me and says, "pleeeease cheer for the Cowboys with me Daddy," and she really means cheer to, not just sit there and pretend to, but you better make some noise in this house.

Plus, I still think my wife looks sexy as hell in her No. 33 Dorsett throwback uniform...or the No. 22 Smith, the No. 94 Ware, and even the No. 81 Owens for that matter.

Now, as far as the two teams go, both franchises have storied histories filled with decades of success with a combined 13 visits to the Super Bowl and winning a total of eight of them.

Both teams have had legendary owners, coaches and players that fill NFL rosters and the Hall of Fame, and they both have fanbases that stretch generations that are loyal, supportive and passionate to the core.

As a kid playing football in my neighborhood, if you grew up liking the good guys, you wanted to be a Cowboy,and if it was the bad guy that appealed to you, well then, The Raiders were your team. Now the Cowboys are more of the bad guys than the Raiders are, they are just plain bad right now.

However, the tears have dried up around this household after the end of the year bomb that Dallas put up, and my boys and I have come down off the ceiling from our unexpected fourth quarter come-from-behind victory in Tampa Bay (sorry, didn't mean to screw you guys, we needed ANY sign of hope).

It's time to reconcile that for now, our seasons are O-V-E-R and it is way to early for me to start following the NBA that closely.

Am I sick because I'm ready for the draft to get here, or is it my affliction with The Raiders???

Al Davis Signs Satan As Oakland Raiders' General Manager

Simon Birmingham — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 19:45:30 -0500

RRRRRRiiinnggggggg, RRRRRRRiiiiinnggggg, RRRRRRiiiNNGGGGG

"Hello, Hells Hotline, this is Gladys, how can I direct your call?"

"Hello Gladys, it's Al Davis, I need to speak to Lu, it's urgent"

"Sure Mr. Davis. I will get Mr. Satan on the line for you. Will we be seeing you soon?", she cups the phone and giggles, winking at the little orange and green demon to her left, reorganizing the Da-Do files, "It is a very busy time of the year, but I'm sure we could make you uncomfortable."

This is followed by an excruciating noise that Gladys thought emanated from the very depths of her employer but soon realized it was coming out of the other end of the phone she was on

"HHHHHHHIiiiiiiiiiSSSSSSSSS,HELL NO GLADYS!!!" cough, hack, shiver, "Not until we've won the Big One again" gaaaaasssp

"The Big One Sir??? Do you mean the Super Bowl,sir?", she asks incredulously.

Cough, wheeeeze, toot, "C'mon Gladys, you've seen what I'm doing....of course not, I'm talking about the Kiffin Lawsuit" beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, flatline, adrenalin injection...buh-beep,buh-beep,buh-beep, "I can't let that lying little punk beat me"

"Mr. Satan is available for you now sir, Good Luck with your misery"

Brief pause while the call is transferred,

"Al, it's Lu, I'm kinda heated over some lost souls here so what can I do for you this time?"

Squirt, cough, wipe, gaaaaasssp, "It's everything Lu, I think I messed it all up this time and I really am kinda confused, but that little punk Kiffin really pissed me off and for now, all I care about is making him pay, what can you do for me?"

An awkward silence follows. After a minute, Satan speaks up

"Weeeelllll, Al, Baby, I'm not inclined to extend your evil credit limit out any further after the Marcus Allen debacle, unless I have a way of monitoring for myself just what is going on over there. I'll tell you what, if there is something you can offer to assure me I will get my evils worth, I would consider it" he has a small smirk on his lips as he already owns everything Al has

"Have you ever considered running an NFL franchise? It's easy and you would do better than I have been lately!!" Hiiiissss, wheeeeze, mooooaaan

"How much compensation and how long is the deal for? I don't come cheap."

"Well, you have my soul already, so how about a couple of my office employees and a chance to corrupt the Raiderettes for a two-year contract, with a shot at some extra fan souls if we make the playoffs?"

"Sounds Good Al, I will drop by the facility later, have your lawyers draw up the contract and we will get ready to burn, in the mean time, should I just do the usual boils and herpes on Lane or do you want a little extra for this one?"

"Give him the works Lu, give him the whole package,heheheheheh!!!" invigorated now with the energy of a teenager, "I knew I could count on you in the clutch."

"Always there for ya, Al-Pal, can't wait until we partner up for good, HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. Talk to ya soon, Al"

"Thanks again Lu, tell ya mutha I said Happy New Yeaah!!!"

PLEASE BE KIND, THIS IS VERY TONGUE-IN-CHEEK, EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW I AM A HUGE AL DAVIS FAN AND LOVE THE OLD MAN, THIS IS ALL IN FUN!!!:)

Five Reasons the Oakland Raiders Will Win the AFC West in 2009

Simon Birmingham — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 06:58:16 -0500

OK, Ok, settle down, and when you can pick yourself off the floor and stop laughing long enough to read the rest of this, I will back up this preposterous claim with some hard cold facts that just might slow you San Diego fans down a little bit from calling the men in the funny white coats to come a take me away.

Have you gathered yourselves yet...you there, wearing those funny orange and blue No. 7 pajamas, what the heck are you laughing at, you are reason No. 1 of 5, Mr. Pat Bowlen, why the Raiders can win the division next year. Thank you for effectively eliminating the Broncos from any serious contention conversations for next year as well as removing the top Oakland nemesis and Raider killer off the schedule twice a year.

I don't think there is any team that was happier to see Mike Shanahan get removed from the AFC West more than the Silver & Black, in fact no matter who you hire, they can't be as bad as a guy who lived to beat the Raiders and Al Davis, thanks again!!

That brings us to reason No. 2, yes you guessed it, if I went after the Donkies, the Chiefs were next, although it's not really fair to pick on someone when they are, well, shall we just say...incapacitated???

Yes, we contributed one of the two wins of their lowly season, as did the Broncos, and oddly, both of those wins were on the road, but seriously I don't think the most optimistic of Kansas City's faithful who saw an 0-8 home team, anticipates a playoff run next year and who can blame them. Is Dorsey the next Jared Allen?.......ummmmmmm, big resounding no so far on that one, but that brings me to the tandem that is my next reason for the Raiders resurgence.

No. 3 Darren McFadden and Michael Bush bring not just a good or decent running game to the party, they bring a soul-crushing, game-controlling, QB-helping, big-play, explosive, and last but not least, DOMINANT type of running attack that is just now being unleashed on the league and we haven't seen anywhere near its full potential.

At the end of the year they finally started to get D-McTD the ball through the air with the short controlled passing game and he was outstanding in that role, and Bush, the more we see of him the better he gets and what an impressive young man with the great work ethics and mindset of a real professional in his approach.

If the Raiders find some offensive line and outside wideout help for Russell to go with the youngsters Higgins, Schillens and Miller, the running game will be unstoppable and Jamarcus Russell has displayed that he can lead this team and develop into an NFL QB worthy of the No. 1 overall pick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! Calm down there, LT No. 2 (c'mon, you know who the real LT was!!!) don't get those powder blue and gold panties in a bunch screaming about how you own our defense, I mean how you used to own Rob Ryan's defensive schemes, but I don't think you will have that horse to kick around anymore if my hunch for reason No. 4 is correct.

Reason No. 4 is a stretch, but here goes nothing!!! Al Davis made it clear with MOST of his offseason spending that he believes that along with a balanced and explosive young offense, the Raiders need a smash mouth, intimidating and vicious defense that can control the line of scrimmage and feed off turnovers and big plays.

For the first time in Rob Ryan's tenure, I think Al believes he gave him the right players to do so and he failed to produce the defense needed to win crucial ballgames, and I believe that a new defensive coordinator will be brought in along with a new offensive coordinator and general manager.

However, we all know they will be brought in under Al's watchful eye and certainly hands-on directional approach. Still, it's not like this has never worked before for the Raiders and there is every reason to believe with the talent assembled and the way the team finished the season that an Atlanta, Miami and Baltimore type turnaround is not out of the question with the right personnel moves.

Just a dream but can you imagine bringing in Ray Lewis for a couple of years to mentor a guy like Rey Maualuga (I don't know if I spelled that right?) if we traded down and drafted the USC linebacker and teamed with Burgess, wow, what a dream, excuse me while I have moment............OK, back to reality!!!

Finally, in conclusion and the No. 5 reason on the Raiders road to the top is, those vaunted defending 8-8 AFC West, Norv Turner led injury-plagued and steroid-dealing Super Chargeless are passing us rapidly going the opposite direction, refusing to face the facts that they let the right Turner go and the wrong Turner stay.

Wear and tear on an NFL running back who has carried the load as much as LT No. 2 will catch up to them and normally, not slowly, it's more like BANG, there's the wall and although he will still be a top tier running back, San Diego will not be a top tier running team. Sproles is a decent changeup and alternative, but expect the NFL to adjust to him next year and he won't be as effective as he was this year.

Dude, LT No. 2, don't be so glum, nothing is set in stone, what's that you say???

Yeah I know, San Diego hasn't spent any money on a free agent, and probably never will, but there is always the twilight years backup role where you might sign somewhere and get the ring you deserve on another team, you know one that has actually WON a Super Bowl in the last 40+ years or so, but a cheap team who has only been there once in 42 years is probably not your best shot.

Anyways, chin up champ, your agent wants to talk to you about your options!!!

OK, there they are, my five reasons the Oakland Raiders WILL win the AFC West in 2009 and make the playoffs, go on, have at me now and tell me how loopy and wacky I am for stating such craziness, but please keep the name calling to a minimum, after the last six years my nerves are just a bit frayed and if you make me I will respond!!!

SILVER & BLACK 4EVER!!!

PEACE

Oakland Raiders Front-Office Dilemma: Silver and Black Need To Go Brown

Simon Birmingham — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 09:56:12 -0500

Anyone who has paid even the smallest amount of attention to the Oakland Raiders' front office carousel over the last six years since the departure of the Bruce Allen/Jon Gruden tandem can understand the collective breath being held by the entire Raider Nation.

We wait with anticipation for Mr. Davis to find the most important missing piece in the championship mosaic we are trying to create—a bona fide, proven winner of a general manager who is genuinely empowered.

We all know that anybody who accepts the position will have to have a clear and open communication line with one of the most hands-on and knowledgeable owners in all of sports. The new GM may have to enter the position with a head coach and staff of the owners choosing already in place, which in fact may be a qualification to get hired as the GM— ain’t it, fun bleeding silver and black!

With all of that in mind, there has been a persistent rumor around about future Hall of Fame wide receiver Tim Brown. He has been lobbying for, and has expressed interest in, a front office position with the Oakland Raiders.

I know as a season ticket holder I saw the real No. 81—Mr. Brown to the rest of the league—at three home games this season, and only once as part of his Fox TV gig.

While I don't think that he is the solution for the glaring vacancy at GM, he would be a vital addition to the Raiders staff for one crucial reason alone—CREDIBILITY!

The media has made a huge issue, saying that any free agent players; careers are over once they head to Oakland and that anybody drafted by the Raiders is doomed to an underperforming and disappointing start of their NFL journey.

Agents blatantly discourage their top clients from going there, and even have other current and ex-players or coaches lure talent away from the Bay and direct them towards other teams. All based on a fallacy that you can't be successful or reach your full potential playing for the Raiders organization.

Tim Brown takes that argument and dumps it in the toilet where it belongs.

Try making that case sitting across from a future first ballot Hall of Famer who spent all but the last year of his career wearing the silver and black. Tim Brown had one of the most successful careers in the history of the NFL representing the Oakland Raiders since the moment he was drafted by Mr. Davis.

Tim Brown loves and respects Al Davis and can be one of the greatest recruiters and talent evaluators that the Raiders could possibly ever ask for—a perfect company statesman who represents the best of what the Oakland Raiders have to offer.

Sometimes, to give your home a brand new feel, a fresh coat of paint is all that is needed.

In the Raiders' case, a position directly under the new GM, responsible for bringing the real Oakland Raider aura to the front and center again, would be a significant step in the right direction for the front office, and would bring a perfect shade of brown to the facility of the silver and black!!!