Bleacher Report - Articles by Richard Lane

NCAA Welcomes All-White College In 2010

Richard Lane — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 09:38:46 -0500

This just in from FOX NEWS in Atlanta:

NCAA spokesman Napoleon Dynamite said earlier today and I quote, "There will be an all-white student body university called Caucasian Institute of Higher Learning or C.I.H.L. opening its doors in 2010." He went on to say, "I don't see what the big deal is, they have all-black colleges like Grambling and Southern, gosh!"

A reporter asked why the NCAA was considering such a controversial move and if he would be willing to share his tots. Mr. Dynamite responded by saying, "The decision was made after years of pressure and threats of lawsuits by the NAAWP and no you can't have any of my tots, I'm starving...I haven't eaten anything today."

The NAAWP is the white equivalent of the NAACP.

This little known organization works to further the education, improve the lifestyles and enhance moral values in middle to upper class white college students in America, mostly in the deep south.

Another reporter asked if the school would be fielding any sports teams, spokesman Napoleon Dynamite answered, "Are you kidding? These kids have the worst reflexes of all time." He picked his nose and went on to say, "We are discussing the possibility of sponsoring some sort of annual Redneck Olympics, featuring some non-athletic activities such as bass fishing and stock car racing." He flicked the booger he had been rolling between his fingers and concluded the statement by raising his hands and saying, "Vote for Pedro!"

In wake of the shocking news many Americans of all races have responded with varying opinions on the situation:

Attorney Johnny Cochran said, "This is an outrage."

Movie director Spike Lee said, "Damn the man! It's another kick in the nuts to African- Americans everywhere!"

Half African-American/half Caucasion singer/songwriter Alicia Keys said, "I'm on the fence on this one."

President Elect Barrack Obama said, "This is NOT the kind of change I was talking about!"

Actor Tom Cruise said, "I am not bat-shit crazy, I'm a scientologist!"

Former talk show host Rosie O'Donnell said, "You have donuts? You better not be holding out on me!"

ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit said, "It's about damn time!"

Actor Jeff Daniels (Dumb and Dumber) said, "Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber you go and do something like this........and TOTALLY redeem yourself."

Finally, renowned cage fighter Kip "The Killer" Dynamite said, "Come over here and try to hit me Napoleon."

THIS IS A FALSE REPORT (OBVIOUSLY).

BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE THE RESPONSE A PROPOSAL LIKE THIS WOULD TRIGGER!

THINK ABOUT IT!

Al Davis: Sex, Lies, and Videotape

Richard Lane — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 07:23:25 -0500

This just in from ESPN News:

According to an official spokesperson for the NFL, Al Davis, legendary owner of the Oakland Raiders, has decided to sell the team to eccentric billionaire/ international man of mystery/ amateur-sportswriter, Richard Lane.

The spokesman said that recent allegations against Davis forced him to make the decision. The allegations against the current and long time owner of the silver and black involve a young woman who worked for Mr. Davis at his home in the Bay Area as a personal nurse.

Apparently, the unidentified 29-year-old RNA claims that Davis sexually harassed her for over three years. Davis' attorney claims that all the charges levied against his client are ridiculous and totally false, stating simply "Al? He's a hundred and eight"!

URGENT UPDATE

The charges against Davis have been changed from sexual harassment to solicitation of prostitution.

In a statement just released, the young woman involved, now identified as Maya Templeton of San Jose, actually incriminated herself as a willing participant in what could only be described as an act of prostitution.

The nurse said, and I quote, "For years, Mr. Davis has been trying to pay me to have sex with him. He just kept offering more and more money. Three days ago he offered me $20,000 dollars. I'm still paying off student loans and I needed that money, so I took him up on it," she said, "After we had finished, Mr. Davis looked up at me said, 'I'm sorry honey if I had known you were a virgin, I would have at least given you $50,000 dollars"!

When the young woman responded, "If I had known you could still get it up, I would have at least taken off my pantyhose." Mr. Davis, obviously offended by the remark, allegedly tore up the check he had written and told her to leave and that she was fired.

Ms. Templeton finished by saying, "I want my money! That son of a bitch; now, I know how Mike Shanahan feels."

*NONE OF THE ABOVE STATEMENTS ARE TRUE*

Please don't let me have it too hard! I am actually a die-hard Raider fan!

I love ya, Al—just having a little fun here.

Utah Stripped of Sugar Bowl Victory (Satire)

Richard Lane — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 08:17:34 -0500

Breaking news from the BCS:

In a statement released this morning by BCS spokesman Paul Carew, the University of Utah will be stripped of its Sugar Bowl win over Alabama. The trophy and the win will therefore be credited to the Crimson Tide.

At a news conference in Salt Lake City Monday morning, Mr. Carew said the action was to be taken immediately.

When asked what had transpired, what obviously serious infraction by the Utes had provoked such a drastic and unprecedented response, Carew simply replied, "I can't go into too many details now. Be assured that the improprieties committed by the Utes were numerous and undeniable".

The crowd of media and fans grew angry at his vague response. They started yelling obscenities and demanding answers.

When reporter Christy Lynn Ray of WBSC in Tulsa screamed, "Give us some answers Paul, this is a load of crap," Carew, visibly shaken by the fast-forming lynch mob on the other side of the podium, offered the following.

"The BCS is investigating allegations that...uhhh." He fumbled for words.

Another reporter shouted, "What exactly did they do?"

Carew stammered and said, "OK, calm down, the truth is that we have yet to find the infractions by Utah."

Carew looked befuddled and tried to clarify his statement. "That is, to say, that we are in the midst of an all-out investigation to find what those infractions were. I mean seriously, like a team from a non-BCS conference could ever really beat any SEC team, much less Alabama. Seriously!"

Pete Carroll to Coach All Teams in PAC 10

Richard Lane — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 13:44:38 -0500

Breaking news from the PAC 10: University of Southern California coach Pete Carroll has agreed to an unbelievable and unprecedented multi-school contract!

According to PAC 10 spokesperson (Ethan Avery), the talented skipper of the Trojans of USC has agreed, in principle, to a deal that would make him the head coach of every team in the conference starting in 2009.

The contract is reportedly a 12 year deal worth approximately 30 million dollars per. The offer was made to Carroll on behest of boosters from every other school in the PAC TEN besides USC. According to a source affiliated with the conference, and I quote, "This idea has been kicked around in annual PAC 10 booster meetings for several years!"

Apparently the boosters had had enough. They obviously grew tired of being perrineal punching bags and tune up games for the "Men of Troy." Sure, the Trojans usually stumble one game and lose to an inferior PAC 10 foe (putting USC's annual goal of a national championship in jeopardy at the same time).

Relentless pressure from boosters and fans alike, not to mention an obscene amount of money prompted Pete Carroll to undertake this seemingly impossible mission. When asked recently about the claim, coach Carroll simply replied, "I guess the hardest part will be never seeing my family again, but I'm excited about the opportunity!"

In this man's opinion this is too daunting a task for any coach, even one as good as Pete Carroll. But if anyone can do it...he can, I guess!

Good luck coach.

Naked Women and The NFL

Richard Lane — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 07:00:26 -0500

Okay, now that I have your attention let me ask all of you readers a couple of questions. We'll get to the naked women shortly!

1. Why in the world did the Broncos fire Mike Shanahan? That was the dumbest move since Al Davis fired Shanahan years ago! Right?

2. Can the Miami Dolphins resurgence this season be attributed more to the hiring of Bill Parcells in the front office or bringing in Tony 'Soprano' Sparano on the sidelines?

3. Will the Detroit Lions ever win another game? No, seriously though how long before they can right the ship? One year? five years? What do you thi..........

"What was that noise"?

4. Will Jamarcus Russell or Brady Quinn have a more successful career? Which team will have a better year in '09? Will Ja......

"Hang on someones at the door"........"Damn it's my parole officer, how did he find me here?" I've gotta type quietly.

5. Is, in your opinion, Mario Williiams finally starting to perform up to his potential? Is he ever going be worth that No. 1 draft pick and the money that came with it?

"Son of a *^#@*! He's still outside, he's calling my name and trying to peek in the window." But I digress. " I gotta hurry here!"

6. Was Peyton Manning deserving of this years NFL's Most Valuable Player Award? And how far do y..........

"Dammit I think he saw me, crap, yeah now he's screaming 'I see you in there!' He wants another urinalysis and says the cops wanna know where I was Thursday around 1 a.m. "I don't know what he's talking about, but I should go!"

7. Finally, will anyone be able to turn around the Raiders and get them in the playoffs before I die? Who would be a good choice for coach.............

"Oh my gosh this guy is persistent!" He's rattling my doorknob now. "Screw this—I'm making a break for the backdoor, he's pretty fat so I'm sure I can outrun him again!"I still wonder how he found me here at my Viagra dealer's house........wait, I'll bet it was my brother again. That son of a *#@&*# has been ticked at me since I took his wife to Cabo on his credit card.

Answer me these questions please. I will respond as soon as I can find another 'safehouse'.

And as far as the naked ladies mentioned earlier, you should be ashamed of yourselves, perverts! LOL. Now if you don't find that funny then you are racist!

I gotta go, he called the cops and they're kicking at the door. Thank you and.............."Get your filthy bacon hands off me pig. You got the wrong guy! Aaaahhhhhh! You son of a #*@*@#! You'll never take me alive! Attica, Attica, Attica..........."

BCS: Root, Root, Root for Your...Rival?

Richard Lane — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:12:15 -0500

What I am about to say goes against everything that has been instilled in all of us our whole lives as sports fans and as Americans. In the current system of the BCS, it's absolutely imperative to cheer on your most hated rivals (within your conference).

Ouch! I know, personally I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a No. 2 pencil than see the Longhorns win. But, if they lose and, in turn, my team pummels them, then that's not bolstering my team's chances to make it to the championship game (which is the real goal here, right?).

Through the infinite wisdom of the brain-trust on the BCS board of trustees (which I sometimes think may be headed by Harry and Loyd from Dumb and Dumber), if God forbid, you lose one game and your conference is perceived as one of the weaker among BCS conferences, you could very well be watching the big game from home.

A team that could easily be included in the conversation for the National Championship may be left to wonder "what if?" USC, for instance, as well as the Longhorns (both with one loss) have legitimate beefs as to why they should be playing for crystal.

Simple, Harry and Loyd were presented with rough drafts of potential BCS scenarios, saw the one sporting the most zeros, pointed and said "I like it, I like it a lot!" When told that the chances of getting it right and satisfying the masses were about one in a million, they smiled and replied "So your telling me there's a chance."

Every year it seems that there are three or four teams with strong cases to play for all the marbles, right? Well, here's a simple solution from a relatively simple man. I may not have all the book learnin' of these geniuses (and might not have the rapist wit of a Loyd Christmas), but I think this could work.

Every year, play all the bowls as usual, putting two BCS bowl games aside for a three game playoff. Say the Orange Bowl hosts a game between the No. 1 and No. 4 teams and the Rose Bowl hosts a game between the No. 2 and No. 3 teams, with the winners of these games to meet in two weeks in the National Championship game.

That way the BCS still gets all their money and we as fans get to watch all the games we enjoy so much, and we could finally remove the BS from the BCS!

Until this happens, us fans will have to keep right on root, root, rooting for our rivals!

The Untouchable...Pac-10?

Richard Lane — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 13:16:34 -0500

If you would have told me last week that the Pac-10 would win the bowl challenge for best winning percentage (in 2008-09 bowl games), I would have laughed in your face. Heck, anyone would have.

But the fact is that the unanimously weakest conference in the FBS has gone undefeated in bowl games this season. The truth is, I was under the impression that my son's eighth grade team could beat seven or eight of the teams in this conference. And I watched quite a few Pac-10 games this year.

To say this conference was weak would have seemed like a compliment rather than a putdown. They just looked bad, with the exception of the perennial powerhouse USC Trojans, which is the main reason why the men of Troy were playing for the roses instead of the coveted crystal ball in the BCS championship game (instead of No. 2 Florida).

The insanity started on Dec. 20 in the Las Vegas Bowl. The Arizona Wildcats upset the 16th-ranked BYU Cougars, 31-21. Despite compiling fewer yards and first downs and committing three turnovers, the Wildcats pulled the upset over the highly touted Cougars of Brigham Young.

Then, on the 27th, the Cal Bears beat a young and talented Miami team in the Emerald Bowl. The Bears outgained the Hurricanes by just 25 yards and had only 11 first downs on their way to a 24-17 victory. The less-than-stellar Pac-10 was 2-for-2.

The Holiday Bowl on Dec. 30 between the 17th-ranked Oregon Ducks and high scoring offense of 13th-ranked Oklahoma State started as most people thought, with OSU jumping out to an early 10-point lead. But an injury to potential first-round NFL draft pick Dez Bryant led directly (in my opinion) to the eventual demise of the Big 12's Cowboys from Stillwater.

Constant and relentless pressure and numerous punishing hits on quarterback Zack Robinson took its toll and despite records set by Bryant for receptions (13) and receiving yards (168), the Quacks pulled the mild upset, 42-31.

On New Year's Eve in El Paso, Texas at the Sun Bowl, the Oregon State Beavers took the field against the 20th-ranked Pitt Panthers. Surely this match up would put an end to the unlikely undefeated bowl run of what seemed to be an overachieving conference, right?

Well, it wasn't pretty and damn near painful to watch (especially if you're a fan of offense) but, sure enough, the Beavers pulled yet another Pac-10 upset, defeating Pitt by a 3-0 score. That made the Pac-10 4-for-4.

Finally, we came to the "Granddaddy of Them All." The Rose Bowl. This year's contest pitted the No. 5 USC Trojans against the impressive No. 8 Nittany Lions of Penn State and their seemingly ageless coach, Joe Paterno.

Another home-field drubbing by USC. The final score was 38-24, but it was not as close as the score might indicate. The pummeling of yet another Big Ten victim in the fight for the roses leaves USC fans wondering "What if?"

So, as the great Austin Powers once said, "What does it all mean, Bazil?"

Basically, that's why they play the games and why college bowl season is so intriguing. That is why we will all keep watching and hoping and praying that our team (whoever they are) can pull that unlikely upset, as well.

God bless you all, and Happy New Year!

Detroit Lions: The Best of the Worst

Richard Lane — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 03:27:13 -0500

It's official, the Detroit Lions have done it.

Their 2008 squad is headed to the Hall of Fame. Unfortunately for their die-hard fans, it is going to be for their lack of skill and will.

Yes, the Lions are the first team in the long and storied history of the NFL to go 0-16. The ineptitude of the perennially bottom-feeding Lions has reached an unprecedented low.

On the upside for the fans, there's nowhere to go from here but up! On the downside, next year probably won't be much better.

Consistent inconsistency on behalf of the powers that be (in the front office) has stock piled the Lions roster with a very shallow talent pool, on and off the field. Couple that with the fact that losing—a lot—every year takes its toll on the players' psyches.

BREAKING NEWS: Coach Marinelli Fired Today!

That's the spark they needed, plus the complete re-organization of an organization in complete turmoil in every way. From top to bottom the Lions need re-vamping, basically a complete do-over.

Start from scratch with the hiring of a strong willed winner for head coach and follow that by hitting the free agent market hard.

Good luck and my condolences to all you Lions fans.

Sooners Will Fell Mighty SEC

Richard Lane — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 09:37:35 -0500

Gators Will Be Sooner-Dead

I have been reading and hearing all this drivel about how the Sooners have "no shot" against the Gators in the upcoming BCS National Championship game, about the speed and athleticism of the mighty Gators, and about how the Sooners are over matched in every way. That is debatable.

I've heard it all, starting with pundits spewing lofty praise for the apparently untouchable SEC. NEWS FLASH: The Big Twelve is a far better conference this year, top to bottom.

Take a good, hard look at the Sooners. They are just as fast, just as athletic, and just as hungry as Florida. Oklahoma scored more than any college football team in history!

Yes, the Gators have a good defense, but look at who they played. This was a down year for the much-vaunted SEC, and the competition was mediocre at best!

Florida is a good team with a solid defense, but they have seen nothing of the likes of the power, speed, and athleticism that they will come face to face with on Jan. 8 in the form of the OU offense.

Mark my words: Oklahoma will celebrate its eighth national championship on 1-08-09, and the Sooner Schooner will roll on.

Final score: Oklahoma 51, Florida 28. Sorry to all you SEC & Florida fans!

BRING ON THEM GATORS!!!!!! I NEED SOME NEW BOOTS ANYWAY.