Bleacher Report - Articles by Mike D

B/R MMA Alter-Ego's

Mike D — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 22:16:51 -0400

First, the disclaimer : If anyone takes any offense to this “humorous” article, all complaints will be directed to someone who cares (I think). From what I hear, B/R has a fantastic complaint department. Many members of B/R's MMA section have a distinct persona. To some it comes naturally...to others it takes endless practice. Here is the first installment of Bleacher Report’s MMA writer comparisons :

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A Few TUF Observations

Mike D — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 00:09:29 -0400

After watching the latest installment of The Ultimate Fighter: Team US vs Team UK, here are a few random thoughts :

- I recently had a (drunken) argument with a friend and stated that “if Michael Bisbing attacked my sister, I still could not dislike the man any more than I currently do”…after tonight’s episode, I stand corrected.

- Not knowing anything about the outcome of the series, I would wager money on the Shaun White look-a-like (Richie) to take the contract.

- With a gun placed firmly on my temple, I would pick Andre Winner as the victor from the UK side. Yup, the name helps.

- After Rob Browning’s flawless impression of a turtle, he walked over to Dana White and said “I’ll be seeing you at 135”...135? What a terrible name for a bar.

- Rob Browning took a leak in one of the welterweight’s shower after consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol. Barrage me with insults, but that’s not kosher?

- Why is it that every time Dan Henderson is on camera, he has some sort of facial disfigurement ?

- A member of the UK team was surprised at the lack of hatred the members of the US team showed him and his comrades. Aside from the obvious language barrier, didn’t you guys help us eradicate that dirt-bag running Iraq?

- The entire cast of TUF: UK vs US agreed to abstain from “spicing up” their opponents food with any type of bodily fluids. I’ve had sushi before, and nothing short of cow manure would tip me off.

- You know that “gag-reflex” that prevents you from dumping a fifth of Jack down your throat in one haul? Dan Henderson’s left ear just nailed mine.

- A phrase I never envisioned myself saying in this lifetime is: “Looks like Junie got the deep end of the gene pool in the Browning family.” That one hurt.

Just Wondering: Sporting Tidbits

Mike D — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 11:10:53 -0400

A few questions from the recent news coming from the world of sports.

- Reports out of the NFL Combine had draft hopeful Rey Maualuga misspelling his own name on the Wonderlic test. If I only had one question I was allowed to ask, it would be “Which one gave you more trouble, ‘Rey’ or ‘Maualuga’ ?”

- Now that Dana White appears to really be in hot water over his recent video blog regarding Lorretta Hunt, are all of his past homosexual slurs going to be made retro-active ?

- Since approximately the beginning of 2009 in the UFC, I have noticed that the fighter with the worst case of Cauliflower Ear has won 88.7 percent of the time. I wonder if the Odds-makers in Vegas take that into account when determining the favorite.

- After watching the first episode of The Ultimate Fighter : US vs UK and hearing fighter after fighter tell everyone “Me greatest strength is wrestling” or “Me greatest strength is boxing”, why didn’t my parents tell me that Popeye was from the United Kingdom?

- Sticking with The Ultimate Fighter theme...on my first day of work at ACME Inc, if my boss greeted me by saying “Welcome to ACME Inc, mother f***er”, I’m pretty sure I would hop right back in my car and go back to bed.

- I would put a small wager on B.J. Penn if they ever put him in the Octagon with all of the Lightweight TUF hopefuls and told him he is not allowed to strike at all, he must submit everyone of them…in the same day.

- A fellow writer on Bleacher Report recently quoted Dan Marino telling everyone that the only quarterback he considers greater than himself is Peyton Manning. Anyone else think Dan underestimates a certain key aspect of playing football ?

- Cedric Maxwell, a former Boston Celtic teammate of Larry Bird and now a radio broadcaster who provides analysis for Celtics games, has gone on record as proclaiming Dirk Nowitzki a better basketball player than the legendary Larry Joe Bird. I can’t think of an intelligent reply.

That’s all for now. Speaking of Boston Celtics announcers, allow me to leave you with my all-time favorite You-Tube clip: enjoy.

Matt Cassel To KC: Shh...Did You Hear That ?

Mike D — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 22:34:19 -0500

This piece is dedicated to the hardest of hard-core conspiracy theorists.

If you dwell in a log cabin located in the middle of nowhere without the modern day "luxuries" of plumbing, electricity, and entertainment not made out of wood for fear of Corrupt Uncle Sam finding you and altering your DNA to transform you into one of us, please finish this article regardless of how many subconscious images this computer is stuffing into your brain.

It might actually make some sense to you guys.

Recently, Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel were traded from the New England Patriots to the Kansas City Chiefs for a 2009 second-round draft pick.

Widespread reports had three different scenarios for the Matt Cassel transaction:

—A first and a third round selection

—The No. 12 pick in the draft

—A second round (No. 34) selection in the draft

Which of these three does not belong ?

The answer is obvious, but what goes on in Bill Belichick's mind is anything but.

New England fans have previously been left scratching their heads as a result of dozens of Bill's decisions:

How could you trade Drew Bledsoe to an AFC East rival? Oh, that's why.

How could you dismiss Lawyer Milloy, the heart and soul of the defense? No kidding, you just inked Rodney Harrison to replace him—atta boy, Bill.

You just gave the Miami Dolphins a second-round pick for a midget WR who had ONE decent year? Mea Culpa Bill, Mea Culpa.

The common theme in all of these transactions is: In Bill We Trust.

While dissecting this latest transaction, I cannot help but sense a foul odor.

Scott Pioli was hired as General Manager of the Kansas City Chiefs on Jan. 13. Matt Cassel was franchised by the New England Patriots on Feb. 5. Matt Cassel was traded to the Kansas City Chiefs on Feb. 28.

Could there have been an under-the-table deal between Belichick and Pioli prior to Feb. 28? Absolutely.

While many will see the surface of these details and build their own case of conspiracy, let's attempt to scratch a little deeper.

By turning down the Denver Broncos' more lucrative offer, let's take a look at the ramifications through Kansas City's red-tinted glasses.

Mike Shanahan was replaced by a relatively inexperienced "rookie" coach, Josh McDaniels. His first major move in Denver was an attempt to rid himself of what the majority of residents of Colorado view as the next QB in line to bring the Lombardi Trophy back home, Jay Cutler.

It was no mistake that Belichick and Pioli made sure that Josh McDaniels' intentions were made public before they pulled the trigger on Cassel to KC.

Bill Belichick gains nothing by stirring up controversy in Denver between McDaniels and Cutler. Scott Pioli does. It has been proven time after time that Bill does not manipulate any situation that does not personally reward himself only.

It has also been proven by Belichick's mentor, Bill Parcells, that the measure of a legendary coach is whether you can successfully jump from one broken franchise to another after attaining glory from the team you single-handedly made into champions.

What more does Belichick have to prove in New England? Perhaps a better question is what does he stand to lose? Once you're on top, there's only one way to go.

Instead of a going-away gift for Scott Pioli, could there be more to the story? We already know Bill Belichick does not believe in the customary "two-week notice" (see Jan. 4, 2000, Bill's "acceptance speech" for the position of Head Coach of the NY Jets).

With Herm Edwards' Jan. 23 firing by none other than General Manager Pioli, I will be watching new head coach, Todd Haley, with a vested interest.

A 2009 championship season from the New England Patriots would factor less than a complete Kansas City flop in 2009 by Todd Haley.

Should any mixture of the two happen next season, it's not inconceivable that Pioli's wishes will come true and Bill Belichick will look to relinquish any doubt of his place amongst any other Head Coach to ever roam the sidelines.

A Little Fantasy..,MMA ???

Mike D — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 22:16:48 -0500

There are many different formats of Fantasy sports that rely upon statistics and results. These "vices" are designed to give yourself a true desire to watch a Monday Night Football game from the first second until the last, focusing on how many Field Goals and Extra Points the Dallas Cowboys kicker nails.

Before this global billion dollar industry existed, there was no shame in not knowing who the starting point guard for the Sacramento Kings was.

This is not the true meaning of "fantasy" sporting. It is merely the glorification of meaningless Free-Throws, Innings Pitched, and Rushing / Receiving Yards.

It is a compilation of worthless statistics created to generate revenue and to give Bill from Billerica a reason to stay up for that all-important Sunday night Buccaneers-49ers game.

I have spent countless hours trying to devise a formula for the "perfect" fantasy MMA league.

Due to scheduling inconsistencies, fighter injuries, and Joe Silva's insistance on creating terrible cards, there is no perfect statistical blue-print for an enjoyable, fair league.

This causes me to delve into the true meaning of the word, Fantasy. I present four categories of skill-sets and ask that you create your perfect "Fantasy Fighter."

The only guideline is the universally recognized weights of the smallest MMA fighter (125) and the largest (265).

Take the arithmetic mean of the two and you pack all four of these categories into one bad-ass 185-pound fighter. Please choose one from each category and feel free to include any omissions from any of the four.

JIU-JITSU

Antonio Nogueira, BJ Penn, Frank Mir, Gabriel Gonzaga, Dustin Hazelett, Demian Maia

WRESTLING

Rashad Evans, Urijah Faber, Georges St. Pierre, Randy Couture, Dan Henderson

STAND-UP STRIKING

Quinton Jackson, Anderson Silva, Mike Swick, Chuck Liddell, Miguel Torres, Wanderlei Silva

GROUND AND POUND

Fedor Emelianenko, Matt Hughes, Josh Koscheck, Brock Lesnar, Diego Sanchez

All skills translate into a 185-pound fighter, therefore each category should be chosen upon talent disregarding size.

Which combo would your money be on ?

UFC 94 Results: Questions Still Remain

Mike D — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 01:40:07 -0500

The question still remains :

Is GSP that good, or is BJ Penn...Screw it, Georges IS that good.

Georges set out tonight not to defeat Baby Jay Penn, but to defeat BJ in a way that not even the most narcissistic Hilo monster could present a shred of argument to the contrary.

The ever-evolving St. Pierre just place himself inside of the same pickle Anderson Silva is stuck in—who calls next ?

The events of tonight solidified the question most UFC fans were prepared to ask—When does GSP square off against Spider Silva ?

It is now crystal clear that the best two fighters under 186 pounds are these two warriors. The only question left is when and at what weight ?

Random thoughts

Mike Goldberg made an outrageous remark tonight that actually holds water : "Lyoto Machida is the most elusive fighter MMA has EVER seen." As soon as he said it, a collective grown took place between the friends I watched the card with, but then something strange happened—we all agreed with him.

If anyone told you 24 hours ago that the knock-out of the night would take place during the Machida—Silva fight, 99 percent of MMA fans would have put Lyoto's record at 13-1. Man, did this guy solidify his No. 1 contender status.

Jon "Bones" Jones stock just set an all-time record according to NASDAQ. Granted he fought a future undercard "ham-and egger," but every time Jones spun, something very bad happened to Bonnar. Has anyone ever seen a double-underhook toss over the head as clean as "Bones" pulled off tonight?

Joe Rogan Vs. Frank Mir : The PFP of Color Commentary

Mike D — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 02:21:30 -0500

As much as I enjoy one-half of the UFC's broadcasting team, it pains me to say that I cringe every time the phrase "world class Brazilian Jiu Jitsu" comes out of Joe Rogan's comedic mouth.

After calling out of work due to too much unwatched MMA on my DVR, I spent 75 percent of my day watching countless UFC-Unleashed programs and the other 25 percent watching all of the WEC's broadcasts from the previous year or so.

It seemed that every match Rogan announced at least one, if not both, fighters either had "world class", "great", or "extremely underrated" BJJ skills.

It's one thing to achieve the level of black belt in BJJ, it's completely the opposite demonstrating those skills in the Octagon. It even forced myself to want to ask Joe Rogan if graduating from Syracuse University with a degree in psychology meant that you had "world-class" psychology skills. (The reference here is a sibling that indeed graduate from Syracuse, who has virtually zero human interaction skills. She is now training clients on propriety software for a financial company.)

Don't get me wrong, there is no other color guy in the industry that I would rather listen to announce a fight. His razor sharp quips such as "He just spun into the smell-my-butt guard" and "Rolling around with Karo is like rolling around with an angry chimp" leave me chuckling long after the match is over.

Watching the Dustin Hazlelett-Tamdon McCrory fight left me baffled when Joe spent far more time praising the BJJ skills of McCrory even after Dustin spun the tall, lanky 22-year-old into a human pretzel.

Before Anderson Silva's fight with Travis Lutter, Joe declared Lutter's "world class" BJJ as what could be the deciding factor for a win against the Spider. Really??? Granted, Lutter was rolling with someone actually deserving of that title, but if Lutter has world class BJJ, than why does Rogan describe Frank Mir, BJ Penn, and Big Nog's BJJ with the same distinction ?

It seems like anyone who can maintain a full guard for over 15 seconds has suddenly proven their "phenomenal" BJJ skills to the guy. It has to be the most overused statement in his handbook.

While spending the remainder of my mental health day watching the WEC's Frank Mir doing the color on his fights, he would go so far as too disagree with his partner whenever (insert WEC's play-by-play guy's name here) would declare Wagnney Fabiano's BJJ the reason why he was dominating Akitoshi Tamura. Frank said "if Fabiano wants to have a chance against the other 145ers out there, he's going to have to improve a lot more than just his Jiu-Jitsu."

Throughout the two full WEC cards I watched while ducking work, the only time the phrase "outstanding" or "world class" BJJ was uttered out of Frank's mouth was when he was describing the skills of Miguel Torres and Urijah Faber (no argument here).

Frank also called sweep after sweep and transition after transition just before they actually happened, and noticed a few guillotine chokes before the fighter applying them knew that he was about lock one up.

What Frank lacks in comedic value, he more than makes up for in technical assessments of fights. But the opposite can be said about Rogan.

The real question is : Not who is more qualified to provide color to a fight, but what do MMA fans prefer while watching?

Input appreciated.

MMA Radar: Five Fighters On the Verge

Mike D — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 02:50:39 -0500

Here are five fighters not yet on anyone's PFP or No. 1 contender list that could potentially appear on the radar screen within the next couple of years.

Mike Swick:The only credible thing Mike Goldberg has done in the past five years as an announcer was proclaiming that this guy's nickname should be "Quick."

Give Swick the smallest of openings and it's virtually impossible to count the number of punches this guy can rattle off before the ref jumps in and catches a few of his own.

Although not known for any type of dominant ground game, Swick does have one hell of a guillotine choke.

He proved that Marcus Davis' hand grenades were no match for his dual semi-automatic fists.

Dustin Hazelett: Who would have thought that a Louisiana boy named Dustin could be one of the most exciting BJJ sub specialists in the game right now?

This guy with the Amish-looking beard has every submission in his tool belt.

After Josh Burkman's flying armbar, he goes out and subs Tamdan McCrory with a reverse armbar that would have made Royce proud.

Diego Sanchez: Losing two out of his last four has bumped him off of the radar temporarily. Wisely choosing the LW division as his wrecking ground will eventually catapult his status up among the most feared 155 pounders out there. Diego is an animal waiting to refine a discipline other than ground-and-pound.

Currently, Diego's submissions consist of planting his right hand into your face until you have decided that enough is enough. Teach him a triangle or even an arm-bar, and soon he will be staring down B.J. Penn from across the cage.

"Razor" Rob McCullough: This guy has heavy hands, but not much else. At 31 years old, it might be too late for him to develop any ground skills, but it is fun watching that overhand right. He, by definition, is the opponent that has a "puncher's chance" at pulling off an upset.

Matt Hughes: Has anyone ever fallen so far from grace after losing two re-matches to a future legend currently in his prime, GSP? This guy was unbeatable prior to falling victim to GSP's rise to super-stardom.

Trigg, Sherk, Riggs, Royce, even BJ couldn't deal with this guy's core strength.

Although he is 35 and has fallen back down the food chain of top title contenders, I can't help but sense he has one more reign of dominance left in his gas tank. Matt Hughes is not one to willingly ride off into the sunset, content with what he has accomplished in his Hall of Fame career.

Be prepared for—at the very least—a quick run through all of the Welterweights until he gets one last shot at whomever walks out with the belt at UFC-94.

The Evolution of Brock Lesnar: Not If, But When

Mike D — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:29:58 -0500

Fresh off of watching a Spike replay of Lesnar's fight with Heath Herring, and although I have seen it seven times already, I went into this one looking to be critical of what was a three-round Heath Herring nightmare.

We all want to tell the same stories our fathers told us about the greatness of Marciano, Ted Williams, Bill Russell, ...etc (anyone guess where I'm from?). We can see the limitless potential of Brock, but will the story end with:

A) He never fully dedicated himself to the sport. Never applied the teachings of the world's best trainers, so the scariest man on the planet eventually fizzled out in the sport of MMA

B) After a few years of hardcore training in Mauy-Thai, BJJ, and boxing, he went on to be the closest thing to a sure bet no matter who stepped into the cage with him.

If the answer turns out to be A, then we all have Anderson Silva to fall back on, but I can't help to be jaded by the fact that Anderson is a Middleweight. Anderson can beat anyone who weighs 185 pounds, but can he without a doubt beat the likes of Fedor, Mir, Rampage, ...etc ?

It's something I wouldn't bet the house on. Does that make him less of a legend, or does that just make him the best 185-pound fighter in the world ?

What we potentially have in Lesnar is someone we can tell Little Billy (my future grandson) was unequivocally the best fighter, regardless of weight in the world. We can state a fact when we say ANYONE at ANY WEIGHT did not have a prayer when they stepped into the cage with him.

Every generation wants that Babe Ruthian type legend to brag about in the future, but other than Tiger Woods, who are we confident enough to state: This guy could beat anyone who ever lived regardless of anything?

Back to the Herring fight. I almost threw my remote control into the TV screen after about 90 seconds. Brock had Herring's back and Herring was BEGGING for a kimora. Once Heath realized that he couldn't get this mountain off of his back, he kept on flailing his right arm backwards trying to poke Lesnar.

Brock did not even have to grab the arm and jerk it behind Herring's back, all he had to do was CATCH IT!! Ding, Ding, match over. Attention to Lesnar's trainers: Teach this man what a kimora is!!!

While Brock layed on top of Herring's back, I also wondered "I know he knows what a rear naked choke is, are his arms too friggin' big to secure under Heath's head?" Imagine what this guy could do to people if he took one week of Gracie BJJ 101.

The stars have aligned for Brock Lesnar. He is young enough to finally find his true calling in life. He is paid enough to associate himself with the best teachers of their respective Martial Arts.

The only question that remains is, Is Brock Lesnar smart, willing, and/or dedicated enough to prove to the world that he is ready to become the guy that current day MMA fans will gush about 20+ years from now ?

Why Can't They Find an Opponent for Anderson Silva?

Mike D — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:17:39 -0500

Please take my whining with a grain of salt due to the fact that I would pay $50 to watch a card that featured Spider fighting a pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears (it's gonna happen again...soon) or a card that featured Anderson fighting a 1,200 pound Grizzly Bear.

Just for the record: Silva by first round KO over Spears, and Silva by third round PETA stoppage over the Grizzly.

Is there not one 185er who could even pose a threat to "the Spider?" Does he need to move up to 205 just to prove that he is No. 1 PFP ?

Granted, he was spoon-fed the 205 equivalent of Gerber's baby food in James Irvin, but my real question is whether or not the natural 185ers are cutting their way down to 170 just to get the hell out of the same division as the guy?

Or have they just accepted the fact that they have zero chance of taking the guy's belt and started carb-loading and lifting to get to 205? (Hmmm, Ace vs. Hendo at 205, smells funny.)

I don't think it's fair to sit the guy down in Joe Silva's office and tell him, "We're not gonna put you on a card until:

A) We find someone at 185 that we think people would actually spend money on to see you fight

B) Sorry Andy, but your next payday comes when you step into the cage weighing 205 pounds."

Assuming B is the case, watch how fast Franklin, Hendo, Machida,...etc race each other down to 185.

New England Patriots' Success: What Have We Learned ?

Mike D — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 11:15:49 -0500

The exact moment that Bernard Pollard made contact with Tom Brady's knee, a question was asked that would define the careers of two men: Who was standing behind the curtain of the New England Patriot's glory years ?

Was Tom Brady the sole reason for the unprecedented success of a perfect regular season and three Super Bowl rings, or was it The Evil Genius, Bill Belichick's brain pulling the strings on all of his puppets while guiding them to not just team, but individual glory?

What have we learned in the 17 weeks that every New England sports fan swore that we would now learn who the real catalyst behind the Patriot's success was? My opinion...nothing at all.

Bill Belichick took a fabulous High School QB, who rode Pete Carroll's bench for four years, and then proceeded to emulate a High School QB this preseason and came within one Bret Favre brainfart short of capturing the AFC East's crown this year.

Along the way, he managed to find a way to win with the additional losses of his best pass-rusher and unquestioned mental and physical leader of the secondary. His defensive backfield consisted of not one player who would have played on 20 other team's nickel and dime packages.

Twenty years from now, Matt Cassel will never appear in the same sentence with Tom Brady during discussions of the greatest quarterbacks ever. Tom Brady made household names out of Deion Branch, David Patten, and David Givens.

Each one of them should have Tom Brady on their annual Christmas card list, due to the fact that he got each and everyone of them absurd amounts of money from other NFL teams, only to have them fail when he's not around to put the football right on their numbers, 20 yards downfield.

Brady also never paid any attention to all of the skeptics who said "he couldn't throw the long ball", "he's a system quarterback", "he's no Peyton Manning, he just allows his team to win by not making mistakes", among many other ludicrous statements.

He proved himself only when he had to in order for team success. He didn't smash Manning's TD record for self-gratification, he threw 50 TD's because his team had no running game and that's what it took to win games.

Getting back to the original question, of who was more responsible for all of the Patriots success, all of Belichick's Offensive and Defensive Coordinators going out on their own and failing miserably (Weis, Crennell, Mangini) makes a great case for him.

Tom Brady's go-to WR's going out on their own and fading into obscurity makes a great case for himself, but I think the real answer to this question is that there is no good answer.

The truth lies somewhere in the middle.

Choose Your Own MMA Fate: Survival of the Most Damaged

Mike D — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 15:06:08 -0500

With a gun to your head, forced to choose your demise, which "unhappy ending" would you select in hopes of being able to walk out of the octagon?

1. A clean overhand right square in the face from Rampage.

2. A Mauy-Thai plum guiding you right into the razor-sharp knee of Spider Silva.

3. A rear-naked unable to tap due to BJ wrapping his legs around your arms.

4. After faking a low-kick, a GSP shin-to-the-temple high kick.

5. A vintage 2002 Axe-Murderer flurry of pin-point haymakers.

Please feel free to suggest any horrific acts I have omitted.