Bleacher Report - Articles by Jeremy Scott

When Does the Game Become Bigger Than the Game?

Jeremy Scott — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 15:04:18 -0400

Question: When does coverage of the NFL become bigger than the NFL itself?

Answer: It already has.

Now that the NFL is a year-round league, there are a lot of angles being covered. A lot of articles get published that, in days past, wouldn't have even warranted an article.

Chad Johnson changes his name to Ochocinco. Ochocinco decides to Twitter during games. T.O. can't buy a house because Buffalo neighbors don't want him. Tony Romo plays golf somewhere.

Chris Cooley uploads his private parts to his blog. Chris Johnson in Tennessee doesn't want to be part of a running duo anymore. Commissioner Goodell climes a mountain.

So on and so forth. In a given calendar year, there is more written about the NFL that actually has nothing to do with the game than there is written about what happens on the field.

The media would love to blame you...the fans. Just see the latest Brett Favre offseason for proof. At first mention of his interest in Minnesota, there was about a week's worth of normal coverage on the speculation.

That quickly turned to an outpouring of analysts declaring how tired they were of Brett Favre. (Hey... here's a thought... don't write about him if you don't want to write about him.)

And don't forget the week-long rush of stories we had to endure about how Brett was going to be on Joe Buck's show to talk about his plans—stories about an upcoming interview about a retired player?!?!

Of course, smart fans know that we are, indeed, part of the problem. We like reading about what the players are doing off the field. We like seeing their mansions on Cribs. We like arguing over Donte Stallworth's super easy stint in jail. We like speculating on Michael Vick's chances at playing in the NFL again.

Somewhere along the way, we've made "talk about the NFL" into a bigger sport than the actual NFL.

Case in point: FantasyUnsports.com.

I just read about this site on FantasySportsBusiness.com last week. It's a fantasy football game, but with some ridiculously inverted scoring. Instead of earning points for your players' touchdowns and yards and receptions...you earn points for their off-the-field antics.

Here's just a sampling of the things you can earn points for, and their corresponding point values:

Drug Possession – 20
Public intoxication – 35
DUI – 30
Firing a gun illegally – 40
Criticize teammates in a press conference– 20
Embarrassing photo of athlete surfaces – 35
Sideline tantrum during game – 25
Appears on SNL – 75

As FantasySportsBusiness.com points out, this is not unlike the now infamous Celebrity Deathpool sites. In essence, by playing Fantasy Unsports, you're betting on which players are going to screw up off the field, and then rooting for it to happen.

In some ways, this makes perfect sense to me. It's like TMZ meets fantasy sports. It's a wonder it hasn't happened before now. It's kind of like prop-betting for non-game activities...turned into a fantasy game.

On the other hand, what have we come to? What does it say about us if we are so bored with what happens on the field that we have taken to hawking players' personal behavior for anything "point worthy?" Maybe the media would stop reporting on tantrums and personal lives of athletes if we, as fans, stopped reading stories about it.

So I'm torn. Obviously, I can see the humor and entertainment value in something like this. After all, if players never did anything stupid off the field then there would be nothing but the game to follow.

However, I can't help but feel like we fans are helping to hasten the day when the actual sporting event means nothing compared to what happens before, after, and around it.

I don't know who it speaks worse of...the fans or the players...but either way, it's definitely a sad commentary on the NFL that some people would rather follow this stuff than pay attention to what happens on the field.

What do you think?

Vince Young Watch: The More We Learn, the Worse Things Sound

Jeremy Scott — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 04:42:12 -0400

Day Three of Vince-gate.

The more we learn about Vince Young and his current behavior and state of mind, the worse things begin to sound.

Last night, Nashville sports radio host and former Titan Frank Wycheck went on a nationally broadcasted ESPN show and said that Young not only doesn't have thick skin...he has onion skin.

Ouch. Wycheck knows the Titans coaches, players, and organization intimately, and his opinion should not be brushed off lightly—though it is merely an opinion.

This morning's Tennessean (Nashville's newspaper) sees David Climer, the senior sportswriter, publishing an editorial piece suggesting Vince needs a time out from football.

Now national media outlets are running with the story of the interview Vince's mother gave yesterday. Here's just a brief bit of what she had to say:

Felicia Young said her son has grown weary of all the negativity he faces as an NFL star. On Monday, he indicated to those around him he didn't want to play football anymore.

"Vince has gone through a whole lot as a young person,'' Felicia Young said. "And I think he has done pretty well up to this point. But it is hard, all he is going through right now. He's hurting inside and out.

"But he will be fine if people are prayerful and help my baby boy out. He is a young man. He just needs a lot of love and support.''

"What would you think, if you were tired of being ridiculed and persecuted and talked about and not being treated very well, what would you do? What kind of decision would you make?''

What?! I'll tell you what decision I would make if I were "tired of being ridiculed and persecuted and talked about"...I would go back in time and not make the decision to become an NFL quarterback in the first place. Period.

Vince is now indicating a desire to quit football altogether for the second time in his three-year career? That's not a good sign, and makes me wonder what he thought the NFL was when he went out for the draft.

Also, it's tough to take his mother's comments without wanting to point out that being a coddled hero at Texas is hardly a tough life to have led up until now. And while "love and support" may indeed be the recipe for depression in general, it's tough to expect the fans to swallow that logic when we're talking about a millionaire superstar.

I guess what's troubling me the most this morning is the idea that he's so depressed and upset just after the team won a big game against a division rival. Sure, Vince himself had a tough game. But the team played well.

The rookie running back ran like the wind, the defense was stifling, and they won the freaking game. But the fact that Vince himself played poorly and got booed is all Vince can think about, and it's driving him to depression and making him consider quitting?! That's ridiculously selfish.

It's beginning to seem like how he feels about himself is more important than how well the team does. Because they won the game. They won the freaking game. And instead of that win...we're talking about Young's fragile ego.

This is not much ado about nothing. Let me give you the timeline of the story for the past few days:

Vince leaves the field after throwing his second interception, gets booed, promptly pouts on the sideline, pushing away his teammates who are trying to console him.
Vince doesn't want to go back in the game for the next series, coach Fisher is seen yelling at him and pushing him toward the field.
Vince gets injured and leaves the game, pouting continues.
Vince ignores MRI test Monday, choosing to stay at home instead of keeping his appointment. Fisher drives out to the Young house and has a heart-to-heart. Then they go get the MRI.
Vince meets with team psychiatrist, who tells the team she thinks he's depressed and she's concerned about his well-being.
Vince goes missing. Leaves cell phone behind. Friends and family consider this the apocalypse and call the Titans. Titans agree that the end of the world is near, call the police. Vince is found at a friend's house eating chicken wings, is taken to Titans headquarters for an after-midnight meeting with Fisher.
Vince apparently contemplates quitting...again.
Vince's mom gives interview asking the fans to love and support her son, that he's having a difficult time.
Titans sign free agent Chris Simms.

I don't want to make light of Vince's issues. I really don't. Clinical depression is a real thing that I have seen destroy people and relationships. I have no idea if Vince is clinically depressed and in need of care or if he's just a little bit of a spoiled rich athlete.

But either way, I have to agree with Climer from the Tennessean: take a break. Step away. Maybe don't even decide if you're going to come back or not.

Vince is clearly in no shape to lead this team and deal with the stress of being in the spotlight. I don't want to be the guy that writes a new "Vince Young Controversy" article every day...I really don't. But this story isn't going away. It's getting bigger every day. It's national headline news.

If Young has a medical issue, then let's get him away from the game and get him help. If he doesn't...then he's just whining...and we should get the game away from him and let him go live in peace.

Vince Young's Mental Stability in Question

Jeremy Scott — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 07:10:09 -0400

On Monday evening, Vince Young went missing.

Already smarting from a fresh injury and nursing a fragile ego after being booed at a home game for the first time in his life, Young left his residence without taking his cell phone.

His friends were so worried about his mental state that they called the Titans organization, who promptly called the police.

Now, if you or I went missing, and our loved ones called the police...hasn't television taught us that we would be told that someone has to be missing 24 hours before they can help? The article says that the cops were willing to help because Young is a star:

“In a major city police department, we have calls like this all the time about people who fear for their loved ones and want the police department to find them and check on their welfare, the difference here being Vince Young’s notoriety,’’ Aaron said.

Regardless...this is a serious, serious issue.

Spin it however you want, but you simply don't call the police about your missing quarterback—who has only been gone a couple hours—unless you have some pre-existing reason to be legitimately worried about his well being.

And who was it that had the initial misgivings? Young's friends. The people who know him best.

The events of Sunday's game alone had lit the Nashville press on fire yesterday, with many taking issue with the pouty way Young handled his poor play, head in hands on the sideline.

Speculation ran rampant that he had quit on his team, refusing to go out for another offensive series. And indeed, cameras captured Jeff Fisher getting in Young's face and seeming to push him out on to the field.

Then, defensive leader Keith Bullock gave a quote to the paper that added fuel to the fire, saying, "No one is going to quit on this side of the ball."

The media does have a way of exaggerating a story's importance, and fan-journalism such as what you find here on Bleacher Report is no different.

But make no mistake: This is not normal. Something Vince Young said or did from Sunday to now gave his closest friends and employers reason to be supremely worried about his safety when he went AWOL for a couple hours. No matter what Fisher says to play things down, this is a big deal.

So take your claims that this is much ado about nothing and shelve them. Maybe all he did was drive to a friends house and forget his phone...as the article suggests...but the fact that his buddies and his bosses were freaking out about it hints at a much larger, scarier picture of Young's mental health.

The story is not that he left his house without a phone and the media thinks it's a big deal...the story is that the people closest to him panicked, which means there's a lot going on inside his head that we don't know about.

I'm certainly glad he's okay. And I hope he stays that way. But Young ought to be used to the spotlight by now, but that doesn't appear to be the case at all. I'm not sure there's a way for the team to go from here to a place where he's the confident leader they need this year.

Fan Rant: Tennessee Titans Home Opener

Jeremy Scott — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 10:28:46 -0400

So the Tennessee Titans are currently in first place in the AFC South—a position they have not held for many seasons—and they won their home opener over a hated divisional rival.

And yet all I can think about are the negatives.

Chris Johnson looks like a superstar, no doubt. I caught a glimpse of Mike Heimerdinger's game plan for the next 15 games, and I can tell you exclusively that the entire playbook consists of seven words: "Get Chris Johnson the ball every down."

And yet, all I can think about is how awful the drop-happy receivers looked.

The defense was incredible, with seven sacks and two interceptions. They were swarming, hard-hitting, and everywhere.

But all I see in my head are Vince Young's interceptions.

While there is plenty to be happy about in the land of Titans fans (Johnson, the defense, Bo Scaife's play, etc.), you are reading the musings of one fan who is not convinced. That's right, people, I'm officially concerned.

It is maybe the first time a Titans win has almost felt like a loss. And a lot of it hinges on the Vince Young injury-possible-quitter-meltdown mess.

Why wasn't Vince on the field after the defense held Jacksonville to a 3-and-out? Was he too mired in his own depression? Was his hamstring really bothering him? Was he on the phone with the company that manufactures his sausages?

Whether or not his justification for that mishap is reasonable—and let's assume it is—there's still no excuse for him moping, head in hands, on the bench on the sideline. That's just not right. The Vince Young from the national championship would not do that.

Yet here we are, a few years later, and he acts like an overpaid athlete with the attitude of a spoiled child. Honestly, the mopey cry-baby stuff bothers me way more than his poor quarterback play—and make no mistake, his poor quarterback play bothers me a lot!

And I'm probably not alone. Look at what Keith Bullock had to say:

"I am hoping it is not a 16-week thing, but at the end of the day we want to have the No. 1 defense in the league, so if we have to play 90 snaps to get that, that's what we're going to have to do,'' linebacker Keith Bullock said.

"No one is going to quit on this side of the ball.''

Ouch.

So now we have 2-4 weeks of Kerry "AARP" Collins to look forward to. Wonderful. That will surely help the offense turn things around.

Oh, and didn't we freaking sign Alge Crumpler in the off season? Where the heck was he, because I don't see him in the stat line. Oh wait... yes I do... one catch for four yards. Awesome. Totally worth it to bring in one of the best Tight Ends in the league only to have your QB throw only to the other TE... his college buddy. (I know, I know... Scaife played great).

How many seasons of crap-tastic wide receiver play does the team need before they realize they should maybe try and sign a good one?

Sure, the defense looks solid... like "maybe one of the best in the league" solid. And that will take us a good part of the way.

But someone has to score. Someone has to throw mostly catchable balls, and some other people have to catch them. And I currently have no idea how that's going to happen.

But yeah... we got a win. Hooray. But before you go high-fiving the rest of the room, remember that we have a quarterback who might be a whiner that didn't want to go back out and face a booing crowd, we have an expensive tight end we're not utilizing, and we have palsy-prone wide-outs who would make up a great practice squad for Indy or New England.

I know I'm a pessimist. That's because I've been watching this team for the last eight years. That was the least inspiring win I've seen in years.

Sports Business: How Thinking Like A Golfer Helped Our Small Business

Jeremy Scott — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 10:53:13 -0400

Sports and marketing go hand in hand. One drives the other. Without ad revenue from TV broadcasts, the NFL would be poor.

But sports-related marketing is often very bland... very tired. Lacking in creativity. "Oh look, there's a guy in that beer commercial wearing an NFL jersey—this company must really be speaking to the true fans!” We may be living in the most unoriginal sports marketing era ever, where simply slapping your company logo on the side of a stadium counts as a stroke of advertising genius.

Our office was going to be participating in a Chamber of Commerce golf scramble, and we thought about the many different marketing/sponsorship opportunities such an event provides (the hole sponsors, cart sponsors, contest sponsors, swag sponsors, prize sponsors, etc.).

Since we're a small business—a website development & consulting firm that caters to other small and medium businesses in our local market—we didn't have a huge budget. But we wanted to stand out, grab attention, and be creative. We didn’t just want to slap our company logo on a banner and call it sports marketing.

So we decided to think outside the box. And since the fastest growing portion of our web consulting business is SEO (Search Engine Optimization—helping sites rank better on Google), we decided to feature those services in our unique marketing effort.

We bought 12 dozen custom-printed Nike Golf Balls. One side had our company logo. The other side had a message that read: "Finding golf balls is easy. Finding your website on Google is hard. We can help. FoundGolfBall.com."

Then, two hours prior to the tournament's start, my boss and I hopped in one of the spare golf carts with our 144 custom Nike balls in hand. We spent about 45 minutes driving all over the course "losing" the golf balls. We "lost" some in the rough. We "lost" some in the woods. We "lost" some in the sand traps and near the edges of water hazards. In all, we managed to "lose" about seven or eight of our guerrilla marketing golf balls on each hole.

Then, we simply went and played our golf... keeping our fingers crossed that the "found golf balls" would be a hit.

They were. Countless golfers and other sponsors spent the rest of the afternoon telling us how cool and inventive they thought our promotion was. The course's golf pro told us it was one of the most impressive things he's ever seen.

Now, I’m not just trying to brag. After all, most of you don’t know me or my company from Adam, so it’s not like you’re my target demographic anyway. Rather, I write this to illustrate how effective and inexpensive a marketing campaign can be if you truly understand your audience.

Golfers the world over are known to love stumbling upon a free golf ball. We horde them like squirrels horde acorns. After all, most of us have given enough golf balls to others with our horrible tee shots... it's only fair that we find one for ourselves every once in a while.

Understanding your audience is as crucial a factor in your marketing success as any other. We could have spent thousands sponsoring the 18th hole, shaking hands with golfers and smiling broadly. And that would have been... okay.

Instead, we spent only a few hundred bucks and ended up with the most memorable marketing effort of the entire day. It's the oldest lesson in the advertising book: stop thinking like yourself (big corporate marketer) and start thinking like your audience.

Now if we can get the beer and soft drink giants to break out of their rut a little bit, we might get some clever marketing that's more than just people in a beer commercial watching the big game. “Those beer-drinkers love football… I love football… I should drink that beer!”

Just thought I'd share. I was really proud of our team that put this promotion together, and thought it made for a great illustration of how sports-related marketing can be greatly enhanced with just a little bit of understanding into the mind of the sports fan. If you want, you can read more about it here.

What is up with all the Oakland Raiders stories on Bleacher Report?

Jeremy Scott — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 05:38:41 -0400

If you're like me, every day when you log on to Bleacher Report and go to the Front Page, you notice three or four of the "Most Popular" stories are about the Oakland Raiders.

And if you're like me, it kind of makes you scratch your head in wonder.

Why is there such a disproportionate number of Oakland Raider stories compared to the other 31 NFL teams? (Here's a screen shot of the Front Page this morning in case you need actual proof of this phenomenon). There are six stories total in the "Most Popular" section, and no fewer than four of them are about the Oakland Raiders; it's like that every single day.

Am I the only one who thinks that's more than a little weird?

I mean, Oakland is far from the biggest city in the NFL, so it's not as though the sheer size of their fan base can explain this. In fact, according to Wikipedia, Oakland is the 44th largest city in America by population. I count 22 other NFL cities on that list that are above Oakland, including Nashville (Titans) and Jacksonville (Jaguars).

Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the city of Oakland or their beloved Raiders—and yes, I know that some people love to hate the Raiders. Not me. I'm not angry or upset about the barrage of Oakland Raiders stories on the home page of Bleacher Report.

You might be more accurate to say that I'm intrigued...puzzled...perplexed...vexed.

Allow me to put forth some theories as to why the Raiders have a presence on this site that suggest they are America's Most Popular Football Team (when—no offense to Raider fans—they are not).

1. High Concentration of Tech Savvy Fans

My best theory is that Bleacher Report is most popular with tech-savvy people—folks who probably already have their own website or blog and who are on the cutting edge in web and technology products and developments.

Since Oakland is so very near the heart of Silicon Valley, it stands to reason that they would have a higher concentration of the tech-savvy kind of person. Thus the higher concentration of Oakland Raiders articles on this site.

Why This Theory Might Be Wrong: Well, then how do you explain why the 49ers don't have the same over saturation on Bleacher Report?

2. Massive Conspiracy

While admittedly not my best theory, there is the possibility that Bleacher Report's staff members are such huge fans of the Oakland Raiders that they secretly boost the stories' popularity factors. I said it's possible...but it's definitely not likely.

Why This Theory Might Be Wrong: Well, there's not a lot of sense in rigging a site like this to promote your favorite team, since Bleacher Report is all about the fans' voice and democracy. There's too much downside if they were to get caught for me to seriously believe in a conspiracy.

Besides, if you're going to enter into a conspiracy to promote one NFL team, don't you think you'd pick a team that at least has half a chance of winning eight games this year?

3. There Are Just More Oakland Raider Fans Online and on Bleacher Report

It's possible that there are more Raider fans on this site, per capita, than there are fans of other teams.

Why This Theory Might Be Wrong: I really, really doubt this theory. I did some searches on Bleacher Report to test my theories. I searched for "Oakland Raiders" and got about 17 pages of stories. Then I searched for "Dallas Cowboys" (they are "America's Team" after all) and got 25 pages of stories. I searched for "New York Giants" and got a whopping 32 pages of results.

What this proves is that there aren't a disproportionate number of articles being written about the Raiders. There are, in fact, more articles here for the Giants and Cowboys. If there were more Raider fans in general on this site, then they would have the highest number of total articles written. But they don't.

And yet the Raiders still dominate the "most popular" section.

4. Raider Fans Have A Sophisticated Network of Online Supporters

This is the theory that whenever a Raiders fan writes a Raiders-specific Bleacher Report article, he alerts his Oakland Fan Network buddies through email, myspace, twitter, blog posts, and other means and they all go "read" his story immediately to help ensure the story goes hot and hits the home page.

Why This Theory Might Be Wrong: I just don't see why the Raider fans would be the only group to figure this out. If such a sophisticated network were to exist, I would think there would be other teams whose fans discover its power and do the same thing.

Also, I think it may be a little laughable to include the words "sophisticated" and "Raider fan" in the same sentence. Ooooh, burn. Sorry Oakland...that was a cheap shot and I couldn't resist. I should know better. Won't happen again. Really, that joke works no matter what fan base you choose.

5. Bleacher Report Has A Weighted Popularity System That Places Higher Values on Reads for Teams That Perennially Suck

Man, oh man, what did I just do?! I promised that the cheap shots wouldn't happen again and then, Bam! Geez, there's' something wrong with me.

Again, Raider fans, I'm sorry. In fact, just a handful of years ago you guys went to the Super Bowl, so I should be nice. But you have to admit that there have been a lot of lousy seasons lately for the Silver & Black.

Why This Theory Might Be Wrong: Because if it were true, then the Houston Texans, Detroit Lions, and Miami Dolphins would also dominate the Most Popular Stories section.

So there you go—my five best guesses as to why the Raider articles seem to be so much more popular on this site than NFL stories in general. What I really want is for you guys to tell me what you think. I'm throwing out the question: Really? The Raiders are the most popular NFL franchise on this site? Really? How can that be?

Now I need answers.

Of course the real irony will be if this article itself somehow winds up being one of the most popular of the day, adding to the dominance of Raider-centric stories.

The Nine Worst National Anthem Performances at Sporting Events

Jeremy Scott — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 11:27:57 -0400

Throughout the years there have been countless performances of our National Anthem (The Star Spangled Banner) at sporting events across the country.

Some have been outstanding—I heard Allison Krauss & Union Station perform it at a Nashville Predators playoff game and it gave me goose bumps. Many more performances of the song have been just "good" or merely "okay."

A few, however, are just mind-blowingly bad. I'm talking "so bad you'll be telling your grandkids you were there" awful.

This article is an attempt to run down the best of the worst in National Anthem performances throughout the years. The list is limited to bad renditions of our country's theme song that I could find video for somewhere online (mostly YouTube). So if you know of an awful anthem that isn't on this list, it's probably missing because I couldn't find video evidence of its horrendousness.

So, without further ado, I present to you... The Nine Worst National Anthem Performances At Sporting Events (that I could find video evidence of):

#9. Guitar Boy

See, this is the perfect example of how you can take a perfectly good singing voice, and still have the song turn out poorly because you got too cute with it. This fellow decides to strum his guitar along with his singing—a decision I'm guessing he regrets now. The guitar is distracting. It's choppy. It sounds like he hits a lot of bad notes on the guitar. And it completely ruins the enjoyment of the song. Check it out.

#8. Every High School Football Game National Anthem You've Ever Seen

I have this theory that performances of The National Anthem at high school athletic events are all horrible. They certainly were when I was in high school. So this one example is just a stand in for other examples. There's a poor gal singing who is quite overpowered by another gentleman who is supposedly doing a duet with her, so I kind of feel bad for her. But at the same time, who decided this song was a good candidate for a duet? It's hard enough for one person to sing it, let alone two. The video is here.

#7. Some Guy That Marginally Looks Like Cuba Gooding Jr.

I have no idea who this guy is, or why the person who posted the video thinks he looks like Cuba Gooding Jr. But he's definitely bad. Maybe he had a bad night. Or maybe he's bad all the time. But I could barely make it through this version of The National Anthem. And he was so confident at the start, too. It's worse than some of the American Idol auditions I've seen of folks singing The Star Spangled Banner. Here... go check it out.

#6. Some Girl At a Boxing Match

This girl isn't famous, as far as I know. And I don't follow boxing at all, so I have frame of reference as to whether these boxers are even famous. But I do know this: the poor girl doesn't sing very well—at least not in this instance. She's cute and all, but she does a very poor man's Christina Aguilera in this video. Check it out.

#5. Contest Winner Natalie

This poor gal won a Toyota-sponsored contest called "Get the Feeling of a Star," which was voted on by fans. She won the chance to sing The National Anthem at an NBA basketball game—specifically a Trailblazers/Mavericks game. And I really, really feel bad for her. She seems young and just very nervous, so it's hard to mock her. And she ends up forgetting her lyrics, poor thing. But what's extra-amazing about this video is when Maurice Cheeks, the Blazers coach, decides to step in and help the poor girl. Stepping up to her, and with much encouragement, he actually sings the next line for her so she'll know where to go with the song. Then he stands next to her and sings along with her for the rest of the song—encouraging the crowd to join in as well. Cheeks is my new hero, and this was a class-act thing for him to do. See the video here.

#4. Michael Bolton

This is apparently Game Four of the 2003 American League Championship Series in Boston. So Michael Bolton is this fairly significant recording artist. He's had lots of hit records and has performed live many times. And yet he somehow manages to forget the lyrics to The National Anthem. Nice going Michael. What's even funnier, though, is that when he loses his place, he lifts up the palm of his hand and reads it. Then he continues. So, let me see if I get this straight. You knew you were going to forget the words to the song... so as a failsafe, you wrote them on the palm of your hand? Wow. That's almost epic in it's lameness. Poor guy. Obviously a great voice. Just not a great memory. See the video here--especially the 46-second mark.

#3. Forgetful Fall-Down Girl

Poor girl performing the anthem at a hockey game. She seems nice enough. But she forgets the words to the song just seconds after starting it. Then she stops. And the crowd gives her all kinds of grief. So she starts again, but loses it in the same place. Then she walks away—leaves the ice entirely! I thought she was just done; I thought she was giving up. But then she comes back, and with a piece of paper—so she apparently left to go get her lyrics cheat sheet. But on her way back on the ice, she slips on the first step and falls on her behind. So at that point, she just leaves for good. Boom. Instant YouTube fame. It's too bad, really, because she has a nice voice. This is one of the only ones on the list that I actually feel bad for. See her sad, spectacular train wreck here.

#2. Roseanne Barr

In 1990, Roseanne, at the height of her popularity, when her sitcom was one of the top-rated programs on television, was inexplicably invited to sing The National Anthem at a San Diego Padres game. The results were somewhat predictable. Roseanne warbled her way through the song, sounding exactly as you would expect Roseanne Barr to sound when singing. And she famously finished it off by spitting and grabbing her crotch. Classy. Some poor Padres front office employee lost his job after this, I'm sure. Watch Roseanne be manly here.

#1 Carl Lewis

Yes, that Carl Lewis. Gold-medal-winning Olympian Carl Lewis. Seems he fancied himself somewhat of an R&B singer, and decided to prove it to the world by singing the most difficult song to sing ever written. He misses some notes here and there, and I'm not going to lie—it's quite amusing. But what truly makes Lewis' rendition of The National Anthem the number one worst of all time is his mid-song apology. After the crowd grows restless at his butchering of the song, Carl pauses mid-song to promise "I'm going to make it up to y'all now." He then proceeds to sing the ending of the song even more poorly than the beginning, making up exactly nothing to the offended eardrums of the fans.

Note to self: if you're going to screw up the nation's theme song, and then apologize for it and promise to make it up to us, you've got to deliver the goods, and not just continue singing poorly. An absolute classic. Watch Carl in all his glory right here.

Honorable Mention

Not eligible for this list, because they are singing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" instead of The National Anthem, are these three shining examples of fail from William Hung, Ozzy Osborne, and Jeff Gordon. Too. Much. Fun.

So there you go. I hope you enjoyed reliving (or discovering) some of the most memorable bad performances of The National Anthem. My advice? If you're asked to sing this song to open a sporting event (or any other event), run away. Run very far away. You can't screw up a song in front of thousands of fans if you never agree to sing it in the first place.

Tiger Woods is Not an Athlete...and Other Fairy Tales

Jeremy Scott — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 08:15:54 -0400

One of the most insipid and stupid debates I keep hearing is over Tiger Woods' status as an athlete. Just yesterday I heard the issue discussed on the ESPN national morning show (I think it was Colin Cowherd), and it got me a bit fired up. You see this topic everywhere you look.

The argument goes like this:

Guy A: Tiger Woods is the greatest athlete of our generation.
Guy B: Well, he's good and all, but he's not an athlete.
Guy A: Why not? He plays a sport, doesn't he?
Guy B: No. No he doesn't. He plays golf. He walks around a golf course all day hitting a little white ball. Offensive lineman in the NFL, by comparison, are true athletes. The NBA is filled with athletes. Athletes jump and run and have to perform all sorts of physical feats, whereas golfers just walk and swing. Tiger Woods is a great competitor, he's highly skilled...but he's not an athlete.
Guy A: You're a jerk!

See, to me, this debate is the poster-child for hair-splitting. It's a slippery slope kind of thing. I mean, where do you draw the line? Is a NASCAR driver an athlete? How about a cyclist? Are only basketball, baseball, and football players athletes?

Sports talk show hosts love these discussions because there aren't any hard conclusions. It's just a matter of opinion. And a stupid waste of time.

For instance, if we can all agree that NFL players are athletes, then what do we do with the kicker? I mean, he exerts far less physical effort in his athletic duties than a golfer does. All the kicker has to do is stand around all game and every so often kick something. If an NFL kicker is an athlete—and I think that he is (check out the roster of all-time scoring leaders)—then nearly everyone who has ever kicked anything is one as well.

In soccer, the goalie does occasionally need to jump to make a save, but mostly he just stands around for 90 minutes getting a sun tan.

Right fielders the world over are known for largely standing around and doing nothing all game. That's why they always put the weakest kids on the Little League team in right field, myself included.

I also remember lots of talk in sports journalism a few years back—when the steroids/Barry Bonds thing was just becoming a huge story—about how steroids don't help you as a baseball player. They make you stronger and baseball players don't use strength to hit home runs; they use hand-eye coordination. Anyone else remember that talk?

All the analysts who said that must think that either baseball players aren't athletes, or that golfers—who require truly great hand-eye coordination to compete—must be athletes after all.

Let's call on the geniuses over at Merriam-Webster's dictionary to help us put this silly debate to rest, shall we? According to them, an athlete is:

A person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina

Notice the use of the word "skilled." Notice also that people who exercise, as well as anyone using agility or stamina, counts as an athlete. So, using these parameters, we can say with certainty that golfers—along with NASCAR drivers and a host of others—are definitely athletes. Race car drivers use stamina. Gymnasts use agility.

Now, would someone please call the honchos over at ESPN and tell them that, so that I won't have to listen to this ridiculous argument ever again.

What they're trying to do is appeal to your argumentative nature by suggesting a topic they know the audience is split on. (They use the same tactic for those tired "Greatest Quarterback" debates.) Then they instantly get flooded with phone calls from people defending their world view.

Golfers call in and say that golf is a sport. Walking a course and making the perfect golf swing isn't as easy as it looks. And the jocks who played defensive tackle on their 3A high school football team call in and say that golfers are sissies—real athletes need pads and helmets and must be strong. (Never mind the fact that Tiger is, by all appearances, stronger than most of us. That dude is ripped.)

In my opinion, those who insist that Tiger isn't an athlete fall into one of two categories:

A. People who played a so-called "tough guy" sport, such as football, and don't want to see their superiority challenged. Or...
B. People who generally don't like to see others succeed and prefer to tear down anyone who dares to excel.

A better debate to have (while still being a goofy waste of time,) is: what counts as a sport and what doesn't? Is chess a sport? How about cornhole? Table tennis? Disc golf? Then, after we have this sport-definition issue settled, maybe we can all just agree that if something counts as a sport, its participants must be athletes.

Don't fall for it, people. It's a mindless way to fill some radio time. It's also a way to avoid having to decide if Tiger is the best athlete ever, using misdirection to distract us into a semantic debate. "He can't be the best athlete ever if we can't all successfully agree to classify him as an athlete!"

Of course Tiger Woods is an athlete—one of the best to ever live. He plays a sport. He exerts energy and relies on agility, strength, body control, and hand-eye coordination...and he does all that better than maybe anyone ever has.

Not that it matters to him. He's off buying mansions for $65 Million and cruising in his 155-foot yacht. I'm sure he'd be fine with the sports community labeling him a "little weenie girl," as long as he keeps winning every tournament he plays in and raking in tens of millions of dollars in endorsement deals.

The only people wrapped up in this debate over his "athlete" status are desperate radio hosts, bored newspaper columnists, and mindless sheep like you and me who get suckered into it every time—just as I did here today.

Tennessee Titans Sign Steve McNair to 6-Year, $50 Million Contract

Jeremy Scott — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 08:25:32 -0400

Everything old is new again for the Tennessee Titans this offseason. First, the team brought back Mike Heimerdinger as offensive coordinator. The team then re-signed fomer Titans stars Jevon Kearse and Justin McCairens.

The back-to-the-future trend continued this week as the Titans today announced the signing of Quarterback Steve McNair to a six-year, $50 Million, deal.

“The best years the Titans franchise have ever seen were the years when Steve was our quarterback,” said head coach Jeff Fisher. “After our recent personnel additions… it just made too much sense to let Steve have another shot as well.”

McNair comes off of two injury-riddled seasons where he hardly played at all for the Baltimore Ravens, and played quite poorly when he was in the line-up.

“We feel like experience is an undervalued quality in an NFL player,” says recently rehired GM Floyd Reese. “The conventional wisdom in the league is that you have to get younger. But look how our last few seasons have gone since we’ve done just that… it’s been horrible. We believe that experience and age trump youth and physical talent, and we’re filling out our roster with that as our guiding philosophy. In fact, if you played for the Titans in 2002 or before, you should expect your phone to ring any day now.”

And Reese isn’t kidding. In just the past week alone, the Titans have re-signed kicker Al Del Greco, running back Eddie George, and tight end Frank Wycheck.

“We’re lucky Frank never left town,” quipped Heimerdinger. “Now we’ve got to see if we can unload Alge Crumpler on some other team. Sure, signing Alge seemed like a great idea at the time… but that was before we had really fully embraced this age movement. Alge’s a hell of an athlete, to be sure, but his physical talents can’t begin to measure up to Wycheck’s years of experience and knowledge of the game.”

The new so-called “age movement” has also solved another one of the Titans’ pesky problems: The Pac Man Jones situation. Says Fisher, “We have offers out to Samari Rolle and Blaine Bishop right now, and we expect those players to sign any day. Whenever the league decides to reinstate Pac… we’ll have no problem saying goodbye to him knowing that we have the experience of those two guys to fall back on.”

McNair was all smiles at the team facility today. “Look, this age movement is long overdue. The Patriots this past year had one of the oldest rosters in the league—especially on defense—and yet they darn near won every single game. That's why we're signing all our old stars. Experience. It’s the new Titans’ motto, so you better get used to it.”

Fan reactions seemed to be mixed. Gerry Gentry, of Murfreesboro, TN, is surprised, but plenty thrilled. “I’ve been saying for years that we needed to get Eddie and Steve back. We never should have let either of those guys slip away. That’s when all our problems as a team got started up.”

But Harry Weintrub, of Franklin, TN, seemed a bit more cautious. “I like McNair as much as the next guy, seriously… I do. But has anyone seen him play the last couple years? I mean, he kind of sucks now. And isn’t he pushing 50 years old?”

One person not happy to see the Titans moving toward older, more seasoned players, is former starting QB Vince Young. Already bumped to #2 on the depth chart after the McNair signing, Vince lashed out today when reporters questioned him: “This is the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen. I could throw Steve McNair further than he could throw a football!! These team officials have lost their damn mind, dude! King Kong ain’t got nothing on me!” Young then ripped his own shirt into pieces and stormed out of the room.

Reese understands Young’s frustration. “It’s hard to be the starter for two years and then ride the pine. But what Vince has to understand is the overall big picture. We’re trying to win more ball games, and at this time we feel Steve gives us a better chance to do that than Vince does. We believe that in order to get better in the future, we as a team have to go back to the past.”

Even without completed deals with Kevin Dyson and Lorenzo Neal (those deals are expected to be finalized by tomorrow), the Titans new roster makes them the oldest team in the NFL, with an average age of 43.25 years—nearly 8 years higher an average than the next oldest team.

Even the cheerleading squad is regrouping, focusing on older, more experienced women.

“Laugh all you want now,” says Fisher, “but we’ll have the last laugh. When we’re holding up that Lombardi trophy after this year’s Super Bowl, everyone will know the importance of experience and age. We’re starting something revolutionary. In a few years, rookies won’t have a chance in hell of making this league. As long as the Kerry Collins’ and Vinny Testaverde’s and Steve McNair’s of this world are able to get out of bed without a nurse’s assistance… this is an old man’s league.”

Breaking News: John Daly Would Rather Get Drunk Than Play Golf

Jeremy Scott — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 04:15:57 -0400

Maybe one of the most shocking pieces of golf news to come out in years has rocked the PGA: John Daly, 300+lb. golfer and winner of two major championships, would rather get drunk than play golf.

I know, I know. It's tough to believe. But we have it straight from a reliable source: Butch Harmon.

Harmon is Daly's swing coach. Well, at least he was. He used to be. Recently, though, he quit.

His reason? And I quote:

“My whole goal for him was he’s got to show me golf is the most important thing in his life,” Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. “And the most important thing in his life is getting drunk.”

Seems that Daly had a minor bit of a meltdown at the recent PODS Championship this past weekend. During a rain delay, Big John spent a lot of time in the Hooters corporate tent, drinking beer and mingling. Then he went out and shot a 77. He followed that up on Friday with an 80. Listen, I am not lying when I tell you that I could shoot an 80.

So Daly missed the cut. But rather than go out and practice the next day—or heck, even going home to mope—Big John says to himself, "Gee, that Hooters corporate tent is probably still hopping." So he heads back for more beer, signs some autographs (signing one on a woman's pants...classy), and just generally hangs out.

Now, for all I know, it's common practice for golfers who miss the cut to stick around an extra day so they can schmooze and booze in the tent of a beer and chicken wing joint. I'm certainly no professional golfer. But somehow I doubt it.

Let's take that superhuman alien robot we know as Tiger Woods as an example. When was the last time you heard a story about him getting drunk or signing autographs in weird places or anything like that?

Yeah...never.

Because the one or two times Tiger has missed the cut, I'm quite sure he was up at 4 am the next day hitting the driving range.

Tiger—the undisputed "winner" in the PGA—cares more about winning golf tournaments than he does about drinking or socializing.

Daly, well...Daly just doesn't seem to care about much at all, eh?

I mean, this is a dude who lights up cigarettes on national television in the middle of a tournament round, for Pete's sake. This is a man who resembles John Goodman, so he's obviously no stranger to cheeseburgers. This is a man with a history of gambling problems, who was married to a woman who got in legal trouble related to a gambling ring.

With Daly it has been scandal after scandal after scandal...all related to one of three things: women, alcohol, or gambling. It's sort of the PGA's equivalent of "sex, drugs, and rock & roll." But does the PGA really need or want a rock star?

It's pretty clear Harmon doesn't think so:

“You don’t see guys who are any good doing that,” he said. “All the guys I work with are working their (tails) off. John didn’t have it. I like the kid, but he’s got to get his head on straight. The partying and other shenanigans, if that’s the way he wants to be, I don’t choose to be a part of it.”

Every day, golfers across this country go out on the links and get drunk while they hack away on their way to an 88. John Daly does that for a living.

He gets paid to be just like that rowdy foursome you see on every course you've ever played. If you forced him to choose, Daly would rather get drunk than play golf, and sometimes he gets drunk BEFORE he plays golf...and yet he's still on the PGA Tour.

For that reason alone, he will always be a hero to many.

After all: if a 300 pound alcoholic gambling addict who smokes can be a professional golfer—without having to score under 80 very often—then there's indeed hope for the rest of us.

Golfer Tripp Isenhour Faces Charges for Intentionally Killing Bird With Golf Shot

Jeremy Scott — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 09:05:49 -0500

This story is stranger than fiction: PGA Tour Pro Tripp Isenhour intentionally killed a bird by hitting golf balls at it and now faces charges for animal cruelty.

Apparently Isenhour, another in a long line of professional golfers I have never really heard of, is good enough—or at least popular enough—to warrant his own TV special: an episode of "Shoot Like A Pro."

Man, if ever the name of that program was appropriate, right? Geez. "Shoot Birds Like A Pro" is more like it.

Anyway, Isenhour kept getting frustrated at this red-tailed hawk that was squawking about 300 yards away. Seems they had to do multiple takes because the bird was so loud.

Don't you hate that? When you're filming a golf special and a large bird keeps screaming so loudly that you have to do take after take after take? Me too.

So Tripp (real name: John Henry—yeah, I'd go by Tripp too) got so upset that he started hitting golf balls toward the hawk. Of course, being so far away, he didn't come close.

But later, after they'd changed locations for another shot, the bird was only about 75 yards away and still making too much noise for nature-hating Isenhour. He reportedly said to the crew around him, "I'll get him now,” and fired another few shots at the bird, one of which struck it in the head. The hawk fell to the ground with blood coming out of its nostrils and died.

You can't make this stuff up people.

Now, there are many angles to this story that I want to cover.

First, this is a horrible shame. I have bird-watching relatives who would be crushed by this news. The red-tailed hawk is a protected migratory species, hence the criminal charges. This guy will—and should—face all kinds of scorn and resentment for this action. No question about it. All humor aside, it's sad that this man killed this animal in such a needless and cruel way.

That being said, good grief on the blame-game people. From the article:

"He just kept saying how he didn't think he could have hit it, which I think is a stupid thing for a PGA Tour golfer to say," said Jethro Senger, a sound engineer at the shoot. "He can put a ball in a hole from hundreds of yards away, and here he is hitting line drives at something that's, I don't know, a couple hundred feet away?"

What?! Are you freaking kidding me? Jethro has clearly never played golf. Exactly how easy does he think it is to make a hole-in-one, let alone a hole-out from "hundreds of yards away?"

Pick a target 75 yards away from the tee, make that target about a foot tall and about six inches wide, and ask every pro golfer in the world to hit it with a golf shot. I think you'd be lucky to have even one of them hit the target with their ball, but Jethro makes it sound like golfers are Special Forces Snipers, for Pete's sake. It's so very tempting to make a joke linking Jethro's name to his ignorance, but I won't.

Oh crap, guess I just did.

Call it what it was: a lucky shot. A tragic, unexpected, lucky shot. However evil you think Isenhour is for this act of animal cruelty, there is no way on God's green earth that he really thought he could hit that bird.

Also, if you read that article carefully, you will see that Jethro here, who is bashing the tar out of Tripp, was the sound engineer on the shoot. A couple sentences later, the article says that none of the 15 crew members—Jethro the sound engineer included—intervened. But it does say they all felt bad later for not having intervened.

Awwww. Isn't that cute? They felt bad. Good for them. I'll tell you why they didn't intervene: They didn't think Tripp had a chance in Hades of hitting that bird, that's why.

Isenhour has officially been charged with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird. Imagine the job interviews he'll have in the future:

"Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

"Well, one time, yes."

"Oh yeah? What was the charge?"

"Oh, you know...killing a migratory bird...the usual stuff."

I presume he'll end up with quite a hefty fine—Florida officials have already gone back to the course and dug up the dead bird for evidence—which is reminiscent of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Kramer dig up the neighbor's parrot in the pet cemetery in order to retrieve the key from the bird's stomach.

How many times in your life can you say you dug up a dead bird and had a good reason for it? Not many, I'm guessing...but maybe that's just me.

Oh, and it's also tough to talk about this story without remembering the amazing and powerful Randy Johnson who famously killed a bird with a perfectly-timed fast ball.

Anyway, golfers everywhere should take heed. Any errant shot into the woods could end up killing wildlife, and you could end up facing charges. Certainly don't go aiming for birds as the genius Isenhour did. That has now been proven to have been a very bad decision.

Bulletproof Tiger Woods Cures Cancer, Wins Another Golf Tournament

Jeremy Scott — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 03:34:10 -0500

Tiger Woods won another golf tournament.

I know….shocking.

In other news, a few people are running for President, gasoline is expensive, and there might be a steroid problem in professional sports.

Welcome to The News of the Obvious.

Writing headlines about Tiger Woods winning a golf tournament is one of the most monotonous things around. They should have automated software that writes them for you like a mad-lib.

You plug in the name of the course he was playing, the name of his opponent, and the name of the tournament, and then the computer spits out an entire news article.

Tiger’s even winning tournaments he hasn’t even entered. He won the LPGA’s Fields Open in Hawaii this weekend. Bet you didn’t know that.

This is already the year of Tiger, and we’re not even two months in. He’s won six of his last seven PGA events, and has won three straight tournaments. He has only one three-putt this entire year. Just one.

I’m lucky if I have only one three-putt per hole.

Woods defeated Stewart Cink yesterday in the Accenture Match Play Championship. He didn’t even need all the holes allotted to him. He won in only 29 of the scheduled 36 holes. (In match play—an alternate scoring method—players are scored on how many holes they win instead of their total number of strokes. Woods was up by eight with seven holes left, thus the tournament was ended early.)

Tiger birdied 14 of those 29 holes.

That’s one birdie for every two holes. That’s an average of nine-under per round.

Also, in between the first and second rounds yesterday, Woods hopped a plane to Iran and talked them out of pursuing their nuclear program. Sweet!

He really can do everything.

If you’re sick of Tiger Woods news…you should seriously cut yourself off from the outside world. Rent a cabin in Montana, pack lots of jerky and canned goods, and wait this thing out for another decade or two. You can live off the fat of the land.

He’s so good right now that even outrageous exaggeration and hyperbole fall far short of doing it justice.

He is…plain and simple…a superior human being. He is the future of the human race. All Chuck Norris jokes should henceforth be converted to Tiger Woods jokes: His bogeys cure cancer….too bad he never bogeys.

Tiger has won 13 majors (five short of Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18) and a total of 63 tournaments. The record for most tournaments won in a career belongs to Sam Snead, and he won 82. Woods, at 32, will shatter every golf record in existence.

Is there anyone who seriously thinks he won’t have 30 majors and over 100 tournaments by the time he’s done? Because if there is, then that person isn’t paying attention.

Woods is merely continuing what has all the makings of the best season of golf by a single player ever. If I were you, I’d start making plans to view the Masters right now. Tiger’s going to win by 45 strokes. Mark my words.

Tiger Woods is a Robot

Jeremy Scott — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:03:25 -0500

If you blinked a couple weekends ago, you might have missed noticing that Tiger Woods is a robot. He won another tournament: the Dubai Desert Classic.

Ho hum. Just another day at the office for the player who looks more and more like a god (lower-case) every week. It was his seventh win in eight tournaments.

Yeah, he’s better than you. He’s better than everyone. That’s why he’s a robot—he’s on autopilot.

Tiger Woods is part-man, part-machine, created by aliens and sent to Earth to punish us mortals with his exceptional golfing ability; to slowly drive the human race mad so we’ll be easier to control when they invade.

He’s already up to $936,000 in earnings for 2008.

That’s right—he’s already won a million bucks in prize money from tournaments this year. In one month! How much have you made in ‘08?

There’s a lot of buzz that this might be the year he wins the Grand Slam. (That’s all four majors in one calendar year.) He’s already won what’s dubbed The Tiger Slam (all four majors in a row, but overlapping two seasons).

Why do you think Tiger Woods is such a robot? It’s the mental game, obviously.

Plenty of golfers have a great swing, plenty are born with talent, plenty work hard and practice constantly. But Tiger has cornered the market on mental focus. You hear countless analysts and fellow pros talk about how easily Tiger shakes off a bad shot or a bad hole. By the next shot, he’s steely-eyed again, having put the mistake behind him to focus on the task at hand.

The mental part of golf will mess with your head. It’s why we’re all amateurs, struggling to make bogey on the ninth hole of our local municipal course. We can’t focus. Our shots, good or bad, stay with us the whole round.

There’s a new trend in golf instruction—the Mental Golf Profile. Endorsed by pros and instructors across the world, the Mental Golf Profile is like a personality test for your golf game. Using key indicators pulled from a series of questions, the Mental Golf Profile takes your “mental golf temperature” and shows you areas of your mental game that you probably don’t even know are tripping you up.

We can’t all be Tiger Woods. We can’t all be robots. But we can all add some serious strokes to our game by coming to a better understanding of our mental game, specifically where we’re lacking.

Just thinking about the game of golf differently—and knowing how our thinking affects us—can make us more like our robot overlord.

Phil Mickelson Scores an 11, Makes Ernie Els’ 9 Look Like an Eagle

Jeremy Scott — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 07:33:51 -0500

Man, it seems like this week has been reserved for pro golfers to play like average hackers.

Phil Mickelson scored an 11 at Pebble Beach this weekend, causing him to miss the cut. Oh yeah, he was also the defending champion of this tournament. This 11 makes the 9 that Ernie Els dropped last week look like an eagle.

Ouch. That’s a sextuple bogey. And it's got to hurt. I wouldn’t know, because it’s been ages since I scored an 11 on any one hole. Seriously.

To be fair, I do sometimes pick up my ball after eight or nine strokes just to avoid the 11 on my scorecard. That’s the difference between Phil and me. Well, that and the fact that he’s left-handed. And about 80 pounds heavier than I am.

Do you remember that Kevin Costner movie, Tin Cup? In the final hole of a big PGA tournament, Costner’s character stubbornly goes for the green in two and ends up in the water. He persistently drops balls from the same spot (instead of dropping up by the green) and tries again, always ending up in the water. Again, and again, and again.

Yeah, even in that situation—taking a penalty stroke for each drop—the guy still scores a 12.

Mickelson scored an 11, and he was just playing the hole normally. Here’s a synopsis of his play on that hole, from the article "Mickelson's 11 on 1 hole leads to exit" by AP Golf Writer Doug Ferguson:

"Mickelson tried to cut the corner on the 585-yard 14th by playing right of the bunker at the dogleg. From a decent lie in the rough, he decided to hit a hybrid to just short of the green, which would leave him a pitch shot with his 64-degree wedge.
"But the hybrid didn’t work out—twice.
"'It ended up shooting right on me and went out of bounds,' Mickelson said. 'And then I did it again.'"
"He finally opted to hit 5-iron to the fairway for his sixth shot, then his wedge spun off the green, down the slope and into a muddy, sloppy lie under a tree. His eighth shot made it halfway up the hill, he chipped that on to 15 feet and two-putted for an 11."

Geez, Phil…even John Daly thinks you imploded.

Again, I have to celebrate this horrible score by Mickelson. It humanizes this pro, and gives me hope. If Phil made this 11, surely one day I'll make a 1 or 2, right?