You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

Hector De Jesus — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:27:00 -0400

Wrestlemania 25 is what really grinds my gears. Ladies and Gentlemen, writers extraordinaire, do not expect a well thought out, in depth opinion of the farce that bubble head I have featured as my article photo dared to call Wrestlemania 25. Instead, this will be a rant, an exclamation of outrage and disdain for the travesty committed on Sunday.

Unfortunately fellow scribes, I am a New Yorker and as such I had to pay $65 dollars to see "The Greatest Spectacle On Earth."

I didn't really mind seeing as I offered my friend to pay for the pay-per view as well as chip in for the food we would be ordering and enjoying (Domino's would be the fare of choice on this most horrible of nights).

Three guys and two females added up to about three pizza pies, four boxes of wings (both BBQ and Hot), two cheesy breads, and a box of breadsticks plus those lovely Cinna-Stix.

Food ordered and the pay-per view ordered, I expected the first match to be the Undisputed Tag Team title match but oh no!! The title match turned out to be a dark match! Really??

The night I would finally see the Colons get what they deserve and become the WWE Undisputed Tag Team Champions and bonehead Vince books it as a dark match! Typical, he had to screw over the Ricans. Thanks a lot Vinny Mac! Way to go!

The crap-per view starts off with the MITB ladder match. Why is it that Shelton Benjamin always makes this match and yet they don't give him the push he deserves? Why is a man Mark Henry's size in a match that is suppose to showcase the smaller, high flying superstars who can at least climb a ladder?

The match ended too soon and CM Punk was not a good choice to win this year. I love Punk but Christian, Shelton or MVP should have won. How long will these guys continue to get ignored by the McMahon's? Shelton's dive and Kofi's climb up a closed ladder were the highlights but that's it.

I felt like I was in bed with a woman and she left me in heat right when the fun was about to start. Thanks a lot Vinny Mac! Ya bum!

Why the hell is a man winning a DIVA match!!?? I don't care if he is dressed like a woman! What the hell!! The ladies didn't get their individual entrances and what the hell was Kid Rock doing there?

No, instead, we got a man dressing in drag winning a useless battle royal match that was supposed to crown a MS. WRESTLEMANIA!! Thanks a lot Vinny Mac! Idiot!!

Jericho fighting three aging legends was probably the most ridiculous concept I have ever heard of. I hated the idea since it's inception and if not for the skill of Steamboat this would have been the worst match of the night (Diva match still stands).

We already the skill of Chris Jericho and putting him in a match like this really grinds my gears(gotta love Peter Griffin lol). Jericho deserved better than this and Steamboat still rocks!! But still...Thanks a lot Vinny Mac!! You old fossil!

I am not going to say much about the Hardy match except that it was too short, however, the finish was totally wicked.

Are you serious!? 21 seconds for an Intercontinental Title match that would see JBL hang up the boots?!! 21 freakin' seconds!!?? Never mind Rey's Joker impersonation but geez!!!!! make the match at least interesting! All this did is make the IC title look that much more worthless.

There was no build-up at all to this match, no hint of a feud that I can remember. Hey, Rey retired him last time and doesn't have a Mania match. I have a monumentally asinine idea!!!! Let's have Rey retire him again!!!! Storyline??? Who needs that? Feud?????? Irrelevant!!! Even better!!!

The match is going to be 21 seconds long with a less than amazing finish!!! Enzuguri, front dropkick onto the ropes, 619, missile frog splash, 123. Rey wins!!!! Rey wins!!!!! Rey wins!!!!!!! CRAP!!!!!!!!! Thanks a lot Vinny Mac!!!!!!! Ya friggin' loser turtle!!!!!!!

Taker and HBK was the best match of the night and could possibly go down as match of the year barring any matches at other PPV's that don't exceed the quality of this one(I rather doubt it).

The Triple Threat was Triple crap. I hated the whole idea of this match and was not pleased to see John Cena injected into this match by Vickie.

Needless to say, the whole storyline was contemptible and my buddies and myself found ourselves rooting for the Big Slow because quite frankly, we were tired of seeing Super Cena or Psycho Edge as Champion.

The only instances in this match that made me crack a smile is when Slow got tied up in the ropes and Cena got speared mid-air. Otherwise, it was the same boring crap we get from Cena and Edge on the network programs.

No Guerrero running down to the ring to declare her undying piggy love to who cares??? The match was BORING and Cena won...AGAIN!!!!!! Thanks a lot Vinny Mac!!!!!!!! Cena sucker!!!!!!!!

I love Stone Cold. It was great to see one last beer bash before he left for good. I enjoyed that more than the crap "Main Event." How is it possible that a storyline feud can be more entertaining albeit repetitive (Stone Cold/McMahon) than the supposed culmination of the angle?

The match was mediocre at best. Two finishers in the first five minutes???? Seriously, that took whatever anticipation or expectation for an awesome finish. It was slow, inglorious, a sham of a main event and the crowd gave up cheering when they realized they just wasted their money on something they could have seen on RAW or Smackdown.

There was no Stephanie running down the ramp to betray her love and kiss his rival. No father and brother-in-law joining forces with the enemy. No. We got a sledgehammer finish. Crap. Thanks a ..........I don't even have the energy anymore.

My friends looked over at me and apologized for allowing me to pay for a waste of a PPV. There were no cheers at the end, barely any the whole night. There was only the lingering question of why.

Why? Why would Vince allow this blasphemy to occur? Was he out of touch with his audience? Did he not know what his WWE Universe wanted at Wrestlemania? Does he even care? Maybe Wrestlemania is only out to entertain one person...Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

After all, Vince chose a transvestite over the Colons. He chose Kid Rock over AC/DC. He chose what works over what is innovative and new. He chose insanity over common sense. He chose the same ol' same ol'. Now we have a six-man tag match to close out No Way Out. Really? It is safe to say I will NOT be paying to see that one.

And that brothers and sisters of B/R is what really grinds my gears.

The Undertaker: The Greatest Gimmick of All Time

Hector De Jesus — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:40:11 -0500

No other character epitomizes the wonder, the excitement, and the majesty of the WWE quite like the Undertaker. For almost 20 years the Deadman has unleashed a trail of bodies, built up a PHENOMenal fanbase, and given us as many memorable moments befitting a Hall of Fame-bound Superstar as any.

Now you might ask me, wonder? What wonder has the Undertaker brought? If you've ever witnessed one of his entrances, whether on television or live, you might understand what I mean. His bell tolls, the flames rise, the eerie theme plays, his opponent cowers and the Phenom makes his way to the ring all the while there is a steady roar coming from the fans. You wonder what is the Deadman going to do once he enters that ring.

For me, his entrance is entirely enough. His in-ring ability through the years from the time he debuted at Survivor Series in November of 1990 to the present has, at least, in my opinion been consistent.

Sure, he doesn't do the Last Ride as often as some fans would like but, the man is 43-years old and being a pro wrestler for 25 years takes a toll on the body. It's a wonder he hasn't retired already. His move set isn't the question here. It's the myth of the Undertaker, his legend.

Excitement? Does anyone remember the Steel Cage match between Diesel and Bret Hart when the Undertaker burst up through the ring and dragged Diesel down costing him the match in 1996? Wasn't that exciting?

The famous Hell in a Cell match with Mankind? The inception of the Ministry of Darkness? The destruction of Kane at Wrestlemania 20?

Yes, he is a man of few words, but I believe his actions speak louder than any words can say. Any storyline Calaway is involved in, the anticipation and excitement has to build up.

Did anyone expect him to bury Paul Bearer at the Great American Bash (I kind of did) in 2004?

His pyro, special effects, and all around presence bring forth the majesty of both his character and the WWE.

We know the Undertaker is not from Death Valley. He can't make lightning bolts shoot from his hands. He can't rise from the dead. An urn can't control him. However, his mythos and dedication to his character and what he does makes the Undertaker one of the most beloved characters and gimmicks of all time.

Mark Calaway is a Hall of Famer already in my book and he's not even my favorite wrestler, all time.

Can anyone think of a better gimmick who has accomplished more than the Undertaker? Give me someone I can fear, love, grab my head in disbelief at what I just saw, or boo at the absolute perversion of something or someone completely wholesome and I might accept defeat.

I can't think of anyone, can you?

Bleacher Report - Articles by Hector De Jesus

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

The Undertaker: The Greatest Gimmick of All Time