Bleacher Report - Articles by R. LeBaron

Your Secret is Safe with Me, Month of March

R. LeBaron — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:08:00 -0400

Dear Month of March,

It's your time to shine. All calendars are turned to you. You know what to do-- chin up, shoulders back and show off your 31 days.

I think you're a pretty cool month, but apparently not everyone agrees with me.

Year, after year, after year, people get very angry with you. They even have a name for it: March Madness.

I don't know what you did, but a lot of people are very upset.

You play it off pretty well, but I know that secretly it stings. There's a reason you come in like a lion and out like a lamb-- you can only take so much venom before it begins to wear you down.

None of the other months have to put up with this. Everyone remembers September as the most reviled month of their youth-- the month that summer ended and school began. Yet somehow, September gets a free pass.

March, I know you've made some mistakes, but I want you to know I'm not mad....I'm just very disappointed (and your secret is safe with me).

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron

Your secret is safe with me, Yao Ming

R. LeBaron — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 02:47:00 -0400

Dear Yao Ming,

Let's rewind a few weeks, shall we? The date is Feb. 24, the Houston Rockets have just won their 12th game in a row, you've been playing pretty well, and in general, you're feeling all tall and important.

Next thing you know you're injured—out for the season. The season! Rockets fans are devastated. You are devastated.

Fans, reporters, analysts, bloggers and probably Moochie Norris all think the Rockets are done. How can they possibly contend without their 7' 6" All Star center?

So you become the tallest and highest paid cheerleader in the history of the NBA.

You're pleased when the Rockets win their first couple of games without you. But then they win a couple more, and a couple more after that.

You start to feel a little insecure.

Fast forward to March 16—the Rockets have now won 22 in a row. On the outside, you're happy your team is having so much success. On the inside, you secretly wish they would lose—just once! Is that so much to ask?

The team was supposed to be done, buried, finished without you. Yet here they are ruling like the Ming Dynasty—except without Ming.

As you know, the Boston Celtics finally ended the Rockets winning streak. I'm sure you acted upset. You probably put your arm around Dikembe Mutombo and said something about getting them next time. He probably responded with something that sounded like English being spoken underwater.

At least you can take solace in the fact that the Rockets couldn't win 23 straight without you, and that your secret is safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron

Your Secret is Safe with Me, Kobe Bryant

R. LeBaron — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 07:20:08 -0400

Dear Kobe Bryant,

When you give interviews, you sound like a strange combination of Michael Jordan and Alex Rodriguez. The way you say the word "basketball" makes me grimace.

Why do you always say you love "the game of basketball"? Why are you so specific? Are you afraid that if you say, "I love basketball", that an actual basketball will think that you love it? Are you afraid that it won't love you back?

I love ice cream, but I would never go around saying, "I love the food of ice cream". I just say, "I love ice cream". If a certain ice cream thinks I'm in love with it, it would just have to have its feelings melted. (Sorry ice cream, that's just how I feel about it.)

Good luck working through your basketball love dilemma. In the meantime, your secret is safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron

Your secret is safe with me, Shaun Alexander

R. LeBaron — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 03:06:00 -0400

Dear Shaun Alexander,

Many Seattle Seahawks fans think the writing is on the wall. They may be right.

First the Hawks sign TJ Duckett, then Julius Jones. Plus, they already have Maurice Morris.

It's too bad; you've done a lot for the team.

But I have an idea that will help the Seahawks, and allow you to be a key part of their season: Use the 2007 New York Giants' blueprint for Super Bowl success.

Here are three simple steps you can take to help the Seahawks win a championship:

Make Like Tiki

You sort of look like Tiki Barber, so following his path to the television studio should be easy.

As a rookie NFL analyst, you will need to establish your credibility by publicly questioning the leadership of your former team's quarterback. Tell everyone that Matt Hasselbeck is mouse-like in the huddle.

(Wearing Mickey Mouse ears while talking about this may or may not help to illustrate your point.)

Special Effects

Convince Mike Holmgren to look freezer burned in the NFC Championship game like Tom Coughlin did in Green Bay. I just hope the game is not played in a dome, because people will start asking questions.

Alexander the Great

After the Seahawks win the Super Bowl without you, you will need to continue to follow Tiki's lead. Take credit for the team's success.

Just think, all of the glory and none of the falling down before you are tackled.

This is assuming, of course, that the Seahawks release you. Maybe they won't.

Maybe you'll win the NFL rushing title this year. Maybe you’ll score 25 touchdowns. And maybe I'm a ballerina.

You’ve had a great run, Shaun. You will be missed.

I might have dreamed it all up, but it's your secret, and it's safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron

Your Secret Is Safe with Me, Brett Favre

R. LeBaron — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 03:27:24 -0500

Dear Brett Favre,

Well, I guess it's official, you've retired from the NFL. It's been a great run—maybe the best any quarterback has ever had.

It's too bad you couldn't go out on your own terms. I'm sure it's not a coincidence that the Green Bay Packers website "accidentally" announced your retirement with a mysterious post that was only online for a few minutes, and then a few days later, you actually retired.

You probably wanted to play one more year. Unfortunately, you have to do what the internet says. It's really too bad.

One time the internet told me if I didn't forward this one e-mail to ten of my friends, I would have bad luck. Sure enough, six months later I got a flat tire. It took a while, but in the end, the internet was right.

You're probably upset that the internet is bossing you around. I don't like it when inanimate things tell me what to do either. Kind of like when the microwave tells me I have to take the spoon out of my bowl of oatmeal before I heat it up. Well, it doesn't really say it as much as it displays it with the sparks and everything.

Anyway, back to your problem about the internet forcing you into retirement. Why don't you try to sneak back into the league as a different player? You could be Frett Bavre, the undrafted rookie out of the University of Phoenix. You could act all rookie-like by making ill advised throws, doing crazy shovel passes and carrying around wide receivers on your shoulders after…..never mind.

Good luck sneaking back into the league, Brett. And don't worry about your rookie secret, because it's safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron

Shaquille O'Neal: Your Secret is Safe With Me

R. LeBaron — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 13:03:31 -0500

Dear Shaquille O’Neal,

Congratulations on being traded to the Phoenix Suns. You could very well be on your way to another championship.

The only problem is, the Suns think they’re getting a dominate post player, and you seem to be experiencing an identity crisis.

You don’t believe me? Let me refresh your memory:

"When I am done playing, I plan on going undercover and then being the sheriff or chief of police somewhere.”

You said that.

But how would you go under cover? You seem to think that your size is a secret, but you’re 7’1” and weigh about 540 pounds, give or take a couple hundred pounds.

Undercover work probably isn’t going to happen. Maybe cloud cover could cover you, but not much else.

So, before you embarrass yourself and ask Steve Nash if you can try on his shoes, remember this…you’re huge! You’re not an undercover agent any more than you’re a point guard. In fact, you could probably floss with a point guard.

You should have some fun with your size. Maybe you can have your entourage set up toy buildings, or even an entire city. You can pretend you’re Godzilla and wave your arms around in circles and roar!

Anyway, good luck with the Suns and good luck with the undercover work, Sneaky.

I’m not sure that your secret is really a secret, but it’s still safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron