Bleacher Report - Articles by Ireland Steele

The Stoudemire Tomahawk: Bringin' The House Down—Literally

Ireland Steele — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:57:30 -0500

Five games, four cities, four demolished rims.

Since the rising of a new Suns season, Amare Stoudemire has been the executioner of a suns-wide, cold and calculated conspiracy to destroy every rim in the NBA. Encouraged by the delicious passing of the mischievous co-conspirator Mr. Steve "Would You Like Fries With That McNashty" Nash, he has unleashed a vicious tomahawk dunk on every rim that has been introduced to him.

The man seems to be on a mission to dominate the paint, while the defenseless and unwitting rims are taking the full brunt of the merciless onslaught. It surely is only a matter of time before the NBA decides to take serious action to defend their hoops. If Amare continues his bloodthirsty annihilation, the worlds already short-supplied metal industry will be in serious jeopardy.

Perhaps the most frightening thing about the monster forward's actions is his apparent lack of remorse for his cruel actions. Instead of quickly apologizing for his careless brutality, as every child is taught from an early age, he has the audacity to look rather pleased with himself. Add this to his unsavory method of introducing himself to each city he visits, and we are surely forced to question his childhood upbringing.

But whether Mr. Stoudemires' parents are to blame or not, it is time that this one man wrecking ball be taught to play nicely with others.

Here's my proposal.

Amare is forced to wear the scarp metal from each destroyed rim around his neck during all games. Surely after 30 or 40 massacred rims hanging around his neck he will be slowed down enough to gently lay the ball in.

I recommend the NBA take immediate action to stop Mr. Stoudemire's dastardly behavior before he actually brings an entire stadium down. If no action is taken, we will be forced to implement phrases like "You Just Got Stoudemired" and change the meaning of his nickname STAT to "Standing Tall And Tomahawking The Bejeezes Out Of Anything That So Much As Glances At Me."

Quinn-Tessential Desperation: Browns Hope Irish Magic Saves Staggering Season

Ireland Steele — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:43:42 -0500

After missing the playoffs last year on an NFL tiebreaker, the Cleveland Browns entered this season with high expectations—those expectations diminished virtually with the opening kickoff of their first game. The explosive offense of a year ago was replaced by a sluggish and inefficient version that lacked spirit and, more importantly, the ability to score more points than the opposition.

As this is a rather critical aspect of the NFL game, something had to be changed.

So the Browns' coaching staff called a Hail Mary desperation play and named the home-town, Heisman-robbed, hero of South Bend as their starting quarterback. Their prayer, quite simply, is that the Irish Mastermind can spark a magical miracle and send the Browns to the playoffs.

It is important that Browns fans do not assume that Bradys' Irishness is a sure sign of eminent success. I myself was born in Ireland and assure you that, if placed on a football field, no amount of Irish luck, Lucky Charms, or pots of gold-tipped rainbows could help me win an NFL game

Thankfully, Quinn is more equipped for the task than just his collegial heritage.

His career at Notre Dame was filled with record-breaking performances and thrilling pieces of individual brilliance. He holds virtually every Notre Dame passing record there is, and now, after a year and a half in the Browns' system, Quinn is more than capable of stepping up and taking the spluttering Browns offense to the next level.

At ND, Quinn was, on a weekly basis, backed up by a less than average defense, a semi-decent receiving corps, and an offensive line that had normally collapsed before he even had the ball in his hands. And yet his cool and collected composure, ability to make quick and accurate decisions and throws, and willingness to move within and without the pocket made him a successful quarterback.

He carried a barely average team on his shoulders and led them to heights that, without him, they would not have achieved.

As fellow BR writer Mark Eckhart Jr. recently argued, Quinn was only not awarded the Heisman as the voters forgot it was an individual award—and not automatically given to the main player on the best team.

It is this background that will allow Quinn to be successful in the NFL. He will have an improved offensive line and a solid run game to work with—which should give him more than enough time to find any one of the Browns' talented receivers.

So, Browns fans, do not lose faith—for Charlie's Irish Angel has arrived to weave his wizardry on a bigger, brighter stage.

Steve Nash: Just Plain Nash-Ty, Still Top In League

Ireland Steele — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 13:22:49 -0400

For the last five years the Phoenix Suns disgustingly audacious ability to drop 40 points in a single quarter has sent the NBA world into a run-and-gun frenzy.

At the helm of this delicious display of dazzling dunks and scintillating assists is the immortal Steve Nash.

His frequent ability to send even opposing crowds into sputtering gasps of amazement and unheard-of shooting numbers make him still the greatest point guard in the NBA.

There are few words in the English language that describe what Steve Nash does on a nightly basis. In fact, his breathtaking passing and automatic shooting have driven us to inventing our own words just to keep up with him. His Nash-ty ability to find a team mate streaking to the basket is simply fan-Nash-tik.

But perhaps you are sitting out there holding your gallons worth of Nash Hatorade preparing to write this article off as "just another Sun-burnt fan." If that, my friend, is the case, take a sniff at these numbers the Canadian master has conjured over the last few years.

Over the last four seasons Nash has shot over 50 percent from the field, over 40 percent from 3-point range and at least 88 percent from the foul line.

He is one of only two men in history to have two seasons of 50/40/90 percent stat lines.

As remarkable as those stats are, it's what Nash does to the people around him that sets him apart from the rest.

His ability to give his teammates open shots is unmatched by any point guard in the NBA because none can match his distributive ability both hands. He can make any pass in the book, and 98 times out of 100, he makes the correct one.

I have said for years that you could put Steve Nash on any team in the NBA and they would have a considerable increase in wins simply because he makes the players around him so much better.

For those still teetering on the verge of Hatorade consumption, I will throw you a small bone. The gap is closing. But Chris Paul is not as durable or versatile as Nash, and Deron Williams is simply not as skilled.

Regardless of wheither the Suns win a Championship before Nash retires, he is certainly Hall of Fame bound.

His magical mastery, flashy passing and steller shooting rank him high on the list of NBA greats.

And he certainly remains the greatest point guard in the NBA today.