Bleacher Report - Articles by kris topher

The Carolina Octopi Defeated by the Giants: So Many Arms!

kris topher — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 16:41:32 -0500

The Carolina Panthers managed to shit their incredibly cold, incredibly frozen, East Rutherford bed tonight against the New York Football Giants.

If you like bone crunching, late-December football, this was your game. So how did Carolina shit the bed so disastrously?

They were without their primary run stopper up front, Maake Kemoeatu. That's a problem. However, Kemoeatu's presence would have made a marginal difference, if any, tonight.

When NFL Network replays this game, keep your eye on the Carolina defensive backs. I'm not certain whether or not this was coaching, or just plain ol' stupidity on behalf of Chris Gamble and company.

When Ward or Jacobs managed to break through to the second level, not only did Carolina's secondary attempt to arm tackle them—they tried to strip them. Every Bloody Time. There are certain times when a defensive back should tackle with their sideline arm ripping it across the ball, as their weight is still directed in the proper direction—theoretically forcing the runner down, even if the ball isn't stripped.

However, against runners like Ward and Jacobs, this just doesn't work. It was so widespread among the Carolina secondary, that I'd venture to guess they were told to attempt the strip.

Now, it was cold out and I'd imagine the ball would pop out easier but this got out of hand very quickly. I'd venture to guess that the Giants running backs tacked on anywhere between 5 and 10 yards per run, after those pathetic arm tackles.

The Panthers have the best team in the NFC, and it's just a matter of limiting the opposing offense. They do not need "game changing" fumbles or interceptions. They need to hold the opposing teams at bay, while their offense does its thing.

In other news, Beason actually avoided contact which means his injury may be worse than he let on. I'm sure he'll be better by playoff time.

If John Fox can fix this, I'd put my money on the Panthers come playoff time.

Revolutionizing the NFL: When Will We See Something New?

kris topher — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 13:50:15 -0500

This isn't an article, this is a question—and I expect an answer, a theory, or an opinion at the very least.

I know my answer, and I'll share it with you before I even pose the question: The players in the system are going to want to be paid like superstars, regardless of whether they are or not.

The Question

What makes college football great is the unbelievable athleticism of a select group of players. Superstar athlete quarterbacks like Tim Tebow and Pat White make everyone else on the field look foolish.

Then the NFL Draft rolls around, and they're drafted as wide receivers or kick returners, or in Tebow's case, possibly an H-back.

So why do NFL teams continue to run the pro-style offense that takes these extreme talents and turns them into receivers?

Pundits have said the spread can't work in the professional ranks, but teams run it in a modified form. The Wild-Hog formation has been run by plenty of teams this year—and it's been working.

The NFL Salary structure is ridiculous, and you can often get these amazing athletes at budget prices in the later rounds because you're moving them to positions to which they're not suited.

Why Not Have Five or Six Guys on the Field That Can Do It All?

Instead of your typical QB, FB, RB, WR, WR, or TE why not trot out six athletes that you can get in the middle rounds of the draft?

The positions listed above are the most expensive to fill on your entire roster, and can often handicap a team for years if they make a bad decision (JaMarcus Russell, Charles Rogers, and Ryan Leaf for example).

I'll use extreme examples here, but can you imagine the possible options if you trotted out a team that consisted of Michael Vick, Tim Tebow, Drew Bennett, Hines Ward, Matt Jones, and Antwan Randel-El?

The possibilities are just ridiculous, and odds are you'll only have to spend a second round pick on these guys. Of course, you're team won't look like the one above, but the possibilities with a Patrick Crayton and Isaiah Stanback are just as exciting.

The best part about a system like this is that you don't have to give these guys ridiculous first round draft contracts, which allows you to spend every cent on offensive lines and defense. Most teams battle with staying under the cap because their QB, RB, and WR take up so much cap room.

So many teams have shown that you can have an awful offense and still get to the Super Bowl—and win it—behind a tremendous defense.

Yes, you're going to experience a boat-load of injuries to your star players, but since these tremendous college athletes are so under-valued because they don't have a position, you're going to have 15 guys that can all play RB, WR, TE, or QB.

Your offense is going to have to be simple so that all 15 guys can pick up each of the four positions, but the majority of your offense is going to rely on athleticism and route running over complex plays.

What you're going to have to avoid doing is drafting the Darren McFaddens and Michael Vicks of the world because they're actually over-valued as athletes.

Money Ball was about finding market inefficiencies in baseball and exploiting them. Why can't the same thing be done in football?

Obviously, athletes that do not possess one individual skill-set to play a position in the NFL are an inefficiency.

You don't have to pay them ridiculous guaranteed money. You don't have to give them long-term contracts. You can trade them once they succeed.

You'll be the most hated GM in the league but...

Instead of adapting superstar college athletes to the NFL, why not adapt the NFL to these athletes?

As always: my blog.

The International Bowl: UConn Huskies vs. Buffalo Bulls vs. Toronto?

kris topher — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 11:17:36 -0500

Original Article

Toronto is clearly a college football hotbed, and has managed to draw roughly seven paying customers to each of the previous two International Bowls.

Much like the "BILLS IN TORONTO," the majority of the attendees have been the non-paying corporate types. If you're on the fence, here are some reasons to venture down to the Skydome to check out the Buffalo Bulls take on the Connecticut Huskies.

Mark Schlabach of ESPN rated the International Bowl 28th of 34! This is ahead of six other epic college football battles. The Texas Bowl, New Mexico Bowl, magicJack St. Pete's Bowl, Motor City Bowl, R+L Carriers Bowl, and the Independence Bowl are all worse than the International Bowl. If you can get to the AutoZone Liberty Bowl instead, by all means do so, as its rated one spot above the International Bowl at 27th overall.
There are three African American Coaches in the NCAA DIV-1 and you get to see one, in person. That's 3-of-119, or a 2.5 percent chance! This is the equivalent of continuing to play your poker hand after the flop comes and you know that you have a single out. Odds are, you're never to get this chance again, so go show your support for Turner Gill.
Connecticut running back Donald Brown could be a second round pick in this years coming draft. He's only a junior (so he has another year of eligibility left) and he's stated he wants to come back but he also likes money. If you went last year, you get to be a douche-bag and tell all of your friends that you saw Ray Rice in college and he was AWESOME, OMFG! Now you can be a double-douche and talk about Donald Brown.
Darius Butler, another possible day-one draft pick, should also be healthy by the bowl game.
Buffalo just pwned Ball State, which made everyone except David Letterman very happy! It should be a very very good game.
The Canadian Dollar is back to crap, and you're going to make your dollar go a lot further. One American dollar should get you 1.25 Canadian. You can buy a lot of stuff with $1.25, a lot of worthless crap. Toronto's Chinatown is a 20 minute walk up Spadina Avenue from the Skydome. They have very good deals on baskets, rugs, and sticks of bamboo. Their fish prices are also amazing, if you need something to beat homeless people with (you'll be a YouTube star).

What to do while you're in Toronto, and it's 10 degrees Fahrenheit out.

Go to the Hockey Hall of Fame, it's 13 bucks and at the corner of Front and Younge. Maybe a 15-minute walk from the Rogers Centre or a $10 dollar cab.
If you're super lazy, and have a lot of money: Go to Wayne Gretzky's sports bar, its got a bunch of memorabilia and its two seconds north of the stadium on Blue Jays Way.
Eat: Burrito Boys, on Richmond and Peter will cause your stomach to make noises only heard in abortion clinics. Its Delish though, and cheap(ish).
Go Get Booze: If you're subwaying, there's an Liquor Store (LCBO) at Union Station, but here's a beautiful map of the beer store locations. You have to buy beer from licensed stores, unfortunately.
Eat Bacon, Canadian Bacon. Lots of Bacon. Seriously, BACON BACON BACON. DELISH!
Knock up a local slut. Obviously, make sure she doesn't know your real name but other than that anything goes. You may end up with the clap, but that can be fixed with antibiotics. If you're going to create enough offspring to stage a coup and overthrow the American Government, you're probably going to want some re-enforcements in Canada.

Top 10 Inventions That Changed Sport For The Awesome

kris topher — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:06:17 -0500

It's always being stuck in people, but how did it come to be?

Originally used by the Irish to test the done-ness of their diseased potatoes prior to devouring them with their hands like trained chimpanzees.

The Fork has come to symbolize the four minute mark in a Cincinnati Bengals game.

Athletics do not abide by the laws of the universe. That is why Stephen Hawking has been kicked off the English Wheelchair Basketball team six years in a row, regardless of his impeccable Free Throw percentage.

Unlike every other measurable quantity, effort is measured on a scale with a baseline of "not quite 100%" ranging all the way up to the magical 110%.

It has been rumored that 110% was invented by an imaginary creature: The White Power Forward. The myth of the white power forward explains how a Caucasian male was able to give 110% to achieve greatness.

Unfortunately, it ends with all athletes discovering the ability to give 110% and thus, the NBA expanded to include Indiana and Utah—or that is how the story was told to me.

No one knows where this magical line resides, but on this line, the game is placed during the fourth and final quarter.

Recently cities such as Detroit have downsized, forcing the all franchises named after large cats to fill out a form, at least one week in advance, in order to borrow the line from the Redwings or Pistons.

However, it appears as though Chauncy Billups may have taken the Pistons' line with him to Denver.

DISAMBIGUITY: DID YOU MEAN the BETTING LINE? Please See Pete Rose for latest information on the LINE.

DISAMBIGUITY: DID YOU MEAN THE WHITE LINE? Matt Jones is in the Walmart Parking lot.

Originally Invented to increase the productivity of teams incessant on digging their own graves.

The shovel has undergone a transformation of sorts. Players represented by Drew Rosenhaus are still set on digging themselves out of the holes they've got themselves into.

However, it appears as though Franchise Quarterbacks, who's father is Archie Manning, have learned to use this simple tool to dig deep and find a little extra.

It is soon expected that both Eli and Peyton Manning will soon learn to use other simple tools, such as the pulley, wedge and possibly even fulcrum.

Never used to pose a question, but rather to describe the awfulness of a player or group of players.

Invented by the Short Fat Unathletic Announcers Club (of America) to ensure an embargo on ass kicking by insulted players.

Example:

Before: "KC's defensive backfield is filled with short, fat, slow players who have a combined IQ equivalent to my left nut, Jim."

After: "KC's defensive backfield is a big QUESTIONMARK, Jim."

Before: "This player really enjoys drinking, cheating on his wife, drinking some more, and planning drive by shootings to off his pregnant baby mama."

After: "Not sure why the Panthers drafted Rae Carruth in Round One, his attitude is a big questionmark."

Invented by Al Gore, the internet has allowed instant access to player ratings and photos.

Just last night I learned that Adrian Peterson of the Vikings has an eight inch member, is a grower not a shower, and is terrific in bed.

The internet has brought the third leg from the locker room to the living room: Reminding the average fan that professional athletes are indeed superior to you and I, not just on the field but in the sac too.

Invented by the incredibly gifted athlete to give inspiration to children.

Often used by athletes to disguise steroid use, as seen by Hulk Hogan: "Train, Say your Prayers, and Take your Vitamins"

God and the Jesus are only credited by the victorious athletes as it's quite clear they've prayed harder than their opponents.

Jewish athletes have managed to sneak into baseball due to their praise of God, but will forever be banished from professional football due to their lack of Jesus love.

Kevin Youkilis has felt the wrath of the Jesus as seen by his baseball reference name code

While many attribute the invention of capitalism to Michael Jordan, it was actually a joint venture between MJ and Sam Bowie.

Mr. Jordan expanded on the concept of Manifest Destiny to force the Chinese to "Be Like Mike." China soon opened its doors to the world and started pumping out Nike Air Jordan's at incredibly reasonable prices.

Michael Jordan graduated from the Chicago School of Economics and is the reason Jeffery Sachs changed his world view so drastically after the failed Russian experiment.

He also cured Magic Johnson's AIDS.

Invented in an unknown era, by an unknown entrepreneur, the stick has shaped the sport of baseball and transformed Latin America into a baseball factory.

Latin Americans apparently, and this is just circumstantial, play the mythical sport of stickball to hone their baseball skills and make mash cash moneys.

Latin Americans are incredibly secretive regarding their training regiment, releasing only the barest of details:

"Stickball? Oh Stickball! We hit a ball of twine with a stick, that's it..."

Due to this secrecy, Congress has advised all major media outlets to refer to Latin American baseball players as if they were fruits and vegetables, requiring "Product of.." to precede their native land.

Speaking of trained chimpanzees, the monkey was invented as a balancing mechanism for Phil Mickleson's bitch-tits. The monkey was to stay on Phil's back until he lost enough weight or purchased a sports bra.

Phil was successful ridding himself of the excess weight through his unique training method of sweating uncontrollably for three hours every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and sometimes even Sunday for five months a year.

The Monkey was no longer needed, and has since been passed on to Andy Reid who's increase in bust-i-ness has required the addition of a second monkey.

Original Article On Da Blogz

Harris and Coaches Polls Soil the BCS in Battle of Man Vs. Machine

kris topher — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 10:49:44 -0500

The BCS Championship is set, Oklahoma Sooners vs. Florida Gators, and there are more than a few questions.

PLEASE USE THIS AS AN APPENDIX WITH ALL OF THE POLL NUMBERS COMPILED IN A READABLE - NON-PDF FORM. (I'm not going to type out all the votes, so referencing that will come in handy, just open it up in a tab)

The interesting part of this article resides on page two, so just click that if you add. I'll show you with quick maths, how the BCS Championship game should have been OU vs. Texas.

First Question: Why bother with the computers?

Computers are 1/3rd of the vote, and in all but one computer Texas was above Florida. The highest and lowest computer rankings are dropped, and a team is allotted a point value starting at 25 and going down depending on where they finish.

My problem with the computers is that the voters in the Harris Poll and Coaches Poll know what the results will be, prior to casting their vote.

Voters, undoubtedly casted their votes strategically. If you want a Florida vs. Oklahoma BCS Championship—you vote Florida as the number one team in the country, and vote Texas as low as you can.

Conclusion: Computer Rankings should be secret until the human votes are cast. Odds are, the voters can deduce what the computer rankings are via simple math, but it can't hurt.

Second Question: Are The Voters voting for the best team right now, or the best team all season?

When you look at the entire season, and we'll keep it simple by just looking at the majors, there are a couple teams with just one loss.

Oklahoma lost to Texas, Florida lost to Ole Miss, Texas lost to Texas Tech, Texas Tech lost to Oklahoma, USC lost to Oregon State, Alabama lost to Florida and Penn State lost to Iowa.

Obviously you cannot consider all of these losses equal, but some are better than others. Florida lost to a mediocre team, but by one point. Oklahoma lost to a very good team by two scores. Texas lost to a top 10 team by one score. Alabama lost to a top ten team by two scores.

There is no way I can look at this and pick Florida as the best team throughout the entire season considering they had a loss that was worse than Texas, OU, TTU, or Alabama. They beat Alabama, and TTU got blown out, so they're both out of the running.

Right now, Florida is a top two team. Over the course of the entire season, however, Florida is not a top two team. Their loss is worse than Texas' and their wins are less important than Texas'.

Conclusion: Harris Poll Voters and Coaches are forgetful people, and there is no way in hell they could watch all of the games. They obviously place an incredibly large amount of value on recent games.

Most Important Question: What happens when you put the first two questions together?

Voters vote Florida as the No. 1 in the country. There is no justifiable argument for Florida being No. 1 They may be the best team in the country, but they haven't displayed enough to be ranked number one.

Utah and Boise State are dismissed because they haven't played anyone, but Florida gets a pass because the voters "know" they are the best team in America. How does that work?

If they haven't shown themselves to be No. 1 you cannot just assume they are No. 1 because they pass the eyeball test.

What voters did, and you can either thank them or hate them, is the following:

They ranked Florida No. 1 in order to get their dream match up. If they were to have ranked Florida No. 3, which they technically deserve when you look at strength of schedule, wins, losses, etc.

Florida isn't in the national Title Game.

The National Title Game is OU vs. Texas.

Lastly, here is a random insight that'll blow your mind:

The Big 12 broke their tie by sending the highest BCS ranked school to their championship.

This makes perfect sense, because your highest ranked team has the best shot of getting into the BCS FINAL, and you want to increase their Computer and Human Rankings.

However, if the Big 12 were to have sent Texas to the final instead of Oklahoma and Texas were to have beaten Mizzou.

Oklahoma would still be ahead in the computers, and their 1.000 computer ranking over Florida's .890 computer ranking results in a difference of .110. Even if OU dropped in a computer, you can assume .100 ( I do not know how the matrices work, but Texas had already beaten Mizzou, and wouldn't get the same SOS increase by beating them a second time)

Oklahoma's wide margin over Florida (.100) would cover the difference in the human polls even if OU had Texas' current human poll ranking—which i'm assuming wouldn't occur. OU would have more ones and twos than Texas currently has.

Florida woudln't have increased No. 1 votes, as pretty much everyone had already voted them No. 1 to begin with.

Oklahoma's 1.000 Computer Ranking would be enough to cover Florida's .400 and .500 lead in both of the human polls

I'll do a full math write up on this later, but its interesting.

Top 10 Reasons to Date a Detroit Lions Fan

kris topher — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 06:41:22 -0500

Original Article with Photos

1. You don’t have to worry about scoring; it's going to be quick and easy.

2. You don’t even have to ask: Once you score she’s bound to roll over for you.

3. Inches look like yards to her.

4. The lanes and holes are the smallest in the league.

5. She’s got a car… for now…

6. She’s Young and inexperienced.

7. She’ll spend her money frivolously.

8. She’ll bring her own paper bag.

9. She makes very, very bad decisions.

9b) Like AWFUL Decisions—Dude, You’re Getting Laid.

10. Detroit Blows.

NFL: It's A Good Year To Be Bad, Maybe? NFL Rookie Salary Structure.

kris topher — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 02:07:45 -0500

Original Article

There are some bad teams in the National Football League this year, some real bad teams. The Detroit Lions are pulling an O-fer and the Bengals just dont seem to give a damn.

Of course in the NFL, futility is rewarded with a high draft pick. There’s no lottery like the NBA or NHL—If you’re the worst team, you get the best pick.

Watching Matt Ryan dominate defenses may lead you to believe this is a good thing, until you watch JaMarcus Russell throw yet another pick. When he came into the league wasn’t he supposed to be able to throw the ball through people? from his knees? with his arms tied behind his back? while curing AIDS?

Good Ol’ Roger Goodell is taking a good hard look at rookie salaries, and he wants to do something about it. With Jake Long getting 30 Million Dollars in guaranteed money without playing a single NFL snap; it appears as though Mr. Roger is right in calling the rookie contracts ridiculous

Everyone knows Mr. Roger wants the rookie pay scale altered and with Gene “high rookie contracts result in high veteran contracts” Upshaw in a better place, God rest his soul, it appears as though this just might happen.

Which results in an interesting, very interesting, set of circumstances.

First off, the draft this year is interesting in that there are not very many "proven" play makers. There’s no game-changer that’ll turn a team around with the snap of a finger. Detroit fans, what I’m trying to say, and I’ll type slowly s-o t-h-a-t y-o-u c-a-n f-o-l-l-o-w, is the future isn’t looking all that bright. I have no problem insulting Detroit fans, as they’ve undoubtedly lost their auto-industry job and can no longer afford internet. Adding to this is the dearth of Senior talent at the collegiate level.

However, it appears that many draft eligible sophmores, and juniors will come out this year to avoid the possible adjustment of rookie contracts. (and here)

This is good, right? Essentially twice the talent: a choice between Matthew Stafford and Sam Bradford?

Well, No.

The current rookie contracts are ridiculous and drafting early this year will undoubtedly doom at least one team to JaMarcus Russell Hell. All of the Juniors coming out will result in massive hold outs, and even MORE MASSIVE-ERR contracts. Why would a team subject itself to this?

Quarterback is the most important position on the field, and deserves to be paid the most. They also have the highest rates of NFL busts. So, do you commit 30 million dollars in guaranteed money to someone that could be a career bench warmer? Remember Lions fans: If you cut a player, his signing bonus for the remainder of his contract is applied to your cap number the following year.

So, you draft a Tackle to protect your prized possession. Well, Jake Long wants as much money as last year’s number one pick got—plus interest. Now we’ve got a problem, because the Number 1 pick last year was a QB, who argued for more money because he played the most important position on the field. As you can see, there’s no way to win unless you get lucky and find yourself a superstar.

Even then, it’s cheaper to sign a proven veteran free agent.

So, what should the Lions and Bungals do?

Try to trade your early first round picks for as many mid-to-late first/ early-second round picks as possible. There is going to be more mid-level talent out there with the amount of underclassmen that declare. While Sam Bradford or Matthew Stafford may make your girlie spots sopping wet—resist the temptation.
Unfortunately for you, the other GMs are smarter than you—that’s why you’re picking first and second. So wait until draft day and try and trade your picks this year for next year. This is a huge gamble because if the CBA doesn’t get redone, you’re left with a bad team, and a great draft choice in a class thats been raped and pillaged of all of its experienced talent. You are pretty much right back where you are right now, but you’ve just put up another awful season.

Its worth the gamble though, either way. There’s going to be a point in time where another GM thinks so highly of a player that they’re willing to risk trading up, AND trading next year’s picks.

Lions fans are used to ineptitude, and another season isn’t going to crush their souls. Take the risk, and trade that No. 1 pick. It’s not like your fanbase is going anywhere; because the only thing uglier than a Lions game—is a Lions fan’s wife.

Idiot With A Gun Vs. Idiot With An Agenda: Burress Vs. Bloomberg

kris topher — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:20:35 -0500

I'm having one hell of a time formatting this, so please read it here.

Unfortunately there isn’t an IQ test for the millionaires club, just ask Plaxico Burress. This doesn’t concern me though — Idiots are bound to do idiotic things, regardless of whether or not they have a gun.

Billionaires, however, are a very different story. Plaxico Burress is never going to make a billion dollars, nor will anyone else in the sports world. Even The Icon, Michael Jordan, has only made about 400 million. You know who is a billionaire? Michael Bloomberg.

Recently, Bloomberg has been floating the idea of a third term as New York City Mayor, which is all fine and dandy — except for the fact that its technically illegal, well sort of.

The New York City Council can, and indeed did, vote to allow Bloomberg a third term. They apparently believed Bloomberg when he claimed his financial experience was an absolute necessity, and a change in leadership now would spell doom for an already crippled financial system. (Washington Post Article)

The New York Times also points out an interesting snippet:

The New York Times survey of City Council members in early September found that a majority were willing to amend the term-limits law, in order to allow Mr. Bloomberg and the Council — two-thirds of whom are scheduled to be forced out of office in 2009 — to seek a third term.

The Council committee that must first approve such a bill is run by Councilman Simcha Felder, a strong Bloomberg ally.

Over the last seven years, the mayor has directed millions of dollars in city money to community groups supported by Mr. Felder, according to city records.

This has angered a portion of the council (maybe that OTHER third?), and the citizens of New York City:

During a heated debate before the council vote on Thursday, council members, one after another, accused Bloomberg of arrogance, manipulation and making deals to fix the results from the beginning.

“His legacy will be forever tainted,” said Councilman Charles Barron. “And the people have long memories.” — AP

Rudy Giuliani tried to grab a third term after September 11th but was forced to back down due to a public outcry.

New Yorker’s voted against an extension to term law twice (’93 & ‘96) and currently 90% of New Yorkers would prefer a public referendum to a Council vote. (Reuters)

Bloomberg’s past two campaigns have cost him 70 and 85 million dollars (LINK) and there is speculation his campaign spending could balloon to upwards of 90 million dollars for the upcoming 2009 campaign.

Has it crossed anyone else’s mind that the Plaxico Burress situation is nothing more than a campaign push?

Bloomberg spent his previous campaign trying to prove to the residents of NYC that he was just as tough on crime as Giuliani was, and his cuts to the police force didn’t effect crime rates (NY Times).

Plaxico Burress will become Bloomberg’s scapegoat. While most celebrities get special treatment when they do something stupid, Plaxico is going to get the opposite.

Bloomberg is going to make an example of Burress. He’s going to capitalize on the media surrounding Burress, The Giants, and the NFL in general, to show just how tough he is on guns and crime.

Burress did something stupid, very stupid, but people do stupid things all the time. I can forgive Burress. Bloomberg, on the other hand, is using the mistake of a man who is clearly quite troubled, for his own political gain.

Before you immediately curse the name Plaxico Burress, ask yourself what is more careless: accidentally shooting yourself in the leg, or accidentally shooting a hunting buddy in the chest?

It’s true that Plaxico didn’t have a license for his gun in New York, but he did have it licensed in Florida. Is that worth a three and a half years minimum sentence?

It’s clear to me that Bloomberg’s using the media coverage as a method of campaigning, which leads me to believe that this isn’t about fairness but rather about getting re-re-elected.

Shame on you, Mr. Bloomberg

Be Like Mike: An Open Letter to Mr. Dunleavy, Jr.

kris topher — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:22:10 -0500

Mike Dunleavy Jr.

C/O Indianapolis Pacers

125 S. Pennsylvania Street

Indianapolis, IN 46204

Hi Mr. Dunleavy Jr.,

My name is Charlie and I'm from Fort Wayne, IN. I'm almost 12 Years old, and I'm your biggest fan.

Mike, the thing is your not playing in any games and you didn't even tell me before the season started that you weren't planning on playing.

When I'm on the basketball court, I'm always Mike Dunleavy Jr. I've been working on my face up, and back to the basket game. I've got a sweet as sugar jumper too, Mike.

Mike when I'm you. the black kids who can dribble-drive don't make fun of the pale white kid because they know they can kick it out and I'll nail it Mike—I'll nail it, just like you, Mike!

Mike, I'm just a kid from Indiana. I can't relate to any of the NBA stars. None of them look like me, at all. I mean there's Steve Blake, but what kind of idiot shaves their head, Mike? White kids look retarded when they shave their heads and I'd rather not have a nickname like white chocolate, or snowflake, or white Nesquik.

Mike, I hope you don't expect me to look up to those euro-trashers! Dad says Nowitzki is a crout, and Kirilenko is a commie. Those Gasol brothers look crazy, and I cant chant "USA, USA, USA" when they get the ball, Mike. I'm an American! McCain would have changed this Mike, and lowered your taxes.

I really like Steve Nash's game though, Mike. He's just so cool—I'm not cool, Mike. I'm a loser, I bet Steve Nash gets laid a lot. I haven't even seen a boob. Steve Nash has long flowing locks, I have dirty raggedy hair. I cant look up to Steve Nash, the Canadian kid already claimed him anyways.

Mike to be honest, you sort of remind me of my family. You're just a man, and if you end up getting hammered drunk and spending all of your money on booze instead of electricity and water; so be it, Mike.

At least I can relate, Mike. You're the everyman. A White Superman!

Mike, let me tell you this. I might grow up to be 6'9", but I'm not going to be 6'11". I like Troy Murphy a lot (he's my second favourite player), but i'll never be Troy Murphy. He smiles too much anyways.

Mike, I cannot express how important this is. There's No One Else!

Mike Miller and Kyle Korver look like women, Mike. Mike, I bet they put on make up before their interviews.

Mike, if you don't get healthy I'm throwing my Pacers jersey in the garbage and buying a New Orleans Hornets Jersey and rubbing my face in an ashtray.

Peja's a better three-point shooter anyways, and as I've said my jumpers sweet as sugar.

Original Article

NFL Diuretic Wars: The Great Pissing Contest

kris topher — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 05:27:33 -0500

Earlier this year, eight NFL players tested positive for bumetanide, a potent loop diuretic banned by the NFL. Bumetanide, while not directly a performance enhancing drug, is a powerful masking agent.

As with all diuretics, Bumetanide dilutes urine, increases urine output, and in turn obstructs proper urine analysis.

All of the players suspended have, at this point, appealed their suspension or sued for time lost due to suspension. It appears as though the culprit in these suspensions is Star Caps, an "all natural" weight loss pill endorsed by Nikki Haskell.

One hundred capsules will set you back $80 plus shipping, which seems ludicrous considering the only listed ingredients are papaya and garlic.

The University of Utah tested Star Caps in 2007 and found it to contain near therapeutic doses of Bumetanide, yet it wasn't listed as an ingredient.

All of this poses quite a few questions without a single definite answer.

The Players Did Not Know That Star Caps Contained Bumetanide?

If this was indeed the case, there may be a larger problem in the NFL. If you take Deuce McAllister at his word when he says that he had been taking the StarCaps pills for at least four years, and that he had sent them in for testing when he began taking them, then there's a huge problem.

The question arises: Why are the players taking dietary supplements, regardless of the brand, to drop weight? Most teams have a minimum and maximum weight for positions and aside from McAllister, who's battled weight problems for the last few years, all of the other players suspended are offensive or defensive linemen.

Diuretics are included in many of the weight loss supplements because it's a quick and dirty way to immediately drop weight. However, it also dehydrates an NFL player, which is more disastrous than being overweight.

The NFL has banned diuretics not just for their steroid masking ability, but also due to the risk associated with dehydration.

For an NFL team to recommend a player lose weight without actively following up on how he is doing it is quite worrisome, especially with millions of dollars on the line. Teams obviously want their players in optimal condition, but the association of weight with condition seems rather out of touch with modern science.

The Supplement business has been essentially unregulated since Mr. Clinton decided that the FDA would have to prove a supplement to be unsafe, rather than the company proving it was safe. Many of the players suspended are suing the makers of Star Caps because it failed to properly list its active ingredients.

Which, at least in theory, confirms that the suspended NFL players did not intentionally take Bumetanide.

The question that comes out of all of this is: Why the hell are so many players taking a weight loss supplement designed for middle-aged women?

The NFL Did Know That Star Caps Contained Bumetanide But Failed To Warn The Players?

There's rumors circulating that Dr. John Lombardo, an NFL scientist, had Star Caps tested in 2006 and found that they did contain Bumetanide. Furthermore, it is rumored that Lombardo contends, notifying the NFL and its players would lead to all positive diuretic tests being blamed on Star Caps even if a player wasn't taking them.

With the NFL potentially knowing the dangers of Star Caps in 2006 and the University of Utah publishing similar information in 2007—Why were the players not informed?

The NFL does not have a responsibility to list banned products, only banned substances. Under that category, a player should know what he is putting into his body. Whether or not a player should be held responsible for a mislabeled product is the question however: A question that will be answered shortly via the NFL hearings on this matter.

Once again we're left with one question: Why the hell are so many players taking a weight loss supplement designed for middle-aged women?

The Players Knew Star Caps Contained A Diuretic, Yet Chose To Use It?

Why Star Caps?

It appears as though this is one of those too good to be true products.

An NFL player must be at least competently intelligent, or at the very least, hire someone to be intelligent for him. If a player is looking to lose weight quickly, I'd imagine he'd stumble across hundreds of supplements in an attempt to find a weight loss program that is within NFL guidelines.

Someone stumbled upon Star Caps and was amazed by its results and word of mouth obviously spread. However, assume that you're an NFL player for just one minute, and you're looking for a supplement. The breakdown of supplements probably goes as follows:

Supplements that you cannot take because they contain a substance banned by the NFL in their ingredient list.
Supplements that are all natural, but do not work.
Supplements that are all natural, the ingredient list shows no banned substances, and they work as well as group one supplements.

Any reasonable man would do what Deuce McAllister claims to have done; send away the product for testing. However, a quick look at the ingredients shows only Papaya and Garlic, which was undoubtedly reported to Deuce.

An NFL Player is smart enough to send a product away for testing, but he is not smart enough to just eat more garlic and papaya, instead of spending upwards of $120 per bottle of Star Caps? All of the dietary supplement reviews on-line list Star Caps as one of the largest rip-offs on the market that relies on Nikki Haskell's star power for sales.

If you assume all NFL players are rational human beings: None of this makes sense. There is no reason for a 350lb man to take a bottle of weight-loss pills marketed to women. These players aren't rookies trying to make it, they're all veterans or Pro-Bowlers that are quite comfortable in their job.

While the suspended players may not have known that Star Caps contained a diuretic, or any other banned substance; they did know that Star Caps worked miraculously well for an all natural weight-loss supplement. Whether or not this purposeful naivety will be considered guilt, is up to Roger Goodell.

Of course, the players could have done what Dr. Lombardo feared. Once they knew that a weight-loss supplement contained bumetanide and expedited the excretion of steroid metabolites, yet was improperly labeled, they essentially had a free pass.

As Always Check Out Mah Blog

"The Man" Angered By Obama: College Football and Sylvester Croom Pay The Price

kris topher — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 10:35:19 -0500

President-elect Barack Obama asked the American people for change, and they accepted. Then he asked for a BCS Playoff system, which just went too damn far:

“I think it is about time we had playoffs. I’m fed up with these computer rankings and this and that and the other. Get eight teams—the top eight teams right at the end. You got a playoff.”

This angered The Man quite a bit. If you do not know what The MAN, it is an underground network of white business men with superhero powers, lots of money, and ultimate power over everything.

Actually, never mind the money part, the US economy is in the tank—The Man relies on Nazi gold, and diamonds from Sierra Leone and Angola to fund his corrupt agenda.

Already fed up with the comparisons between Obama and JFK, The MAN decided against an assassination plot (although one is drawn up, just in case.)

Instead, he began pulling some strings in one of his most prized commodities: NCAA DIVISION I COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

The Man has long held college football near and dear to his heart, and any attempt to change it results in between 25-30 lashings of biblical proportion.

Using Cisco Networks technologies, a subsidiary of The Man Inc., The Man contacted Mississippi State’s Athletic director Greg Byrne and forced him to fire the SEC’s first black head coach, Sylvester Croom.

Croom, who was wise to The Man’s agenda, decided instead to draft his resignation.

An intra-company memo obtained from a trash bin outside The MAN Inc. details their mischievous plan. As with all intra-company memos, this memo was written on a lobster bib. Lobster is the only thing eaten by The Man Inc. employees.

It appears as though The Man Inc. is quite comfortable with Randy Shannon having a head coaching job. While The Man is all powerful, he does not have authority over The Sporting News, which ranked Shannon last in its BCS Coaches Rankings

Furthermore, it is reported that The Man has sent memos to all BCS schools demanding that they interview minority coaches, with rejection notices already drafted.

Any school entering an interview with a minority head coach without having a rejection letter signed, stamped, and dated will be fined and blacklisted.

There is a clause within The Man Inc’s written policy that allows programs in shit-hole cities like Buffalo to hire minority coaches, assuming they are paid a great deal less than their white counterparts.

The Man declined to either confirm or deny the truthfulness of this article, and provided but one comment: “This will teach Obama to screw with college football.”

In other news The Man Inc. has decided to lay off top level executive Charlie Weis, as a result of his insatiable appetite. In this time of cut backs, The Man Inc. can only afford one lobster per person per meal.

visit mahhh blogzzz and maybe check out artzzz

NFL Superstar: Choose Your Own Adventure

kris topher — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 05:19:03 -0500

Kareem McKenzie's recent arrest showcases just how tough it is to be an NFL player. You think you could do better? Choose your path as an NFL Superstar!

You awake from your slumber, and fix yourself a delicious calorie packed breakfast and wash it down with a high-yield protein powder and yogurt smoothie. After flipping through your daily subscription to the Wall Street Journal, you commence your daily routine.

First, a stop at the stadium to work out and meet up with the guys. Your body is a temple, and a chiseled physique will keep the endorsement dollars rolling in.

The time roles by, and the day becomes the night. You've worked hard all day, and now its time for play. Your agent encourages you being in the public eye, as it increases your income flow. You're portfolio is underperforming, so you figure “why not?”.

When you step out of the house you grab:

your gun, for protection: it's a hard world out there and you never know what could happen.
a couple joints, just to unwind and chill out: it's hard being in the public eye, and sometimes you just wanna relax.
a wad of cash: your friends really get on your case when you don't pay for the drinks because you've got that five million dollar signing bonus. You realize it's much easier to keep it real when you've got a wad of cash.

Makes sense, anything could happen. You get to the club, and its one hell of a time. A few fans ask for autographs, and while you're pissed that people don't respect your space—it's all good. You remember what your agent said about being socialable and buy them a drink—cha ching—that's the sound of money in your bank as you've just become the face of the franchise.

You're a responsible adult and limit your alcohol consumption. You can have a good time without alcohol.
You go buck wild, you'll get a cab or one of your home boys to drive you home. You've got all the money in the world – You da man!

Its understandable, everyone needs to relax. On your way to the club, you're obeying all of the street signals and lights. There's no way in hell you're going to get busted with pot, you've got too much to lose. You see the familiar shine of red and white lights reflecting off your rear view mirror.

You obey the law and pull off to the side of the road.
Get out and boot it! You're an NFL player, dammit. You can outrun these donut eating pigs.
You light it up! You can smoke all this shit before the 5-0 gets to your car

You're now a true NFL superstar. You buy a round for the house! You're one charitable son of a bitch. Roger Goodell would be proud to see you giving back to the community like this. You and your buddies are supporting the local economy by drinking champagne off strippers asses.

You're a smart man who believes that the economy is based on the trickle-up effect rather than the trickle-down effect. Some of your buddies call you a socialist, but you're the one with the college degree.

It's three AM and only good things can happen now:

Congratulations, you just spit in a womans face. Good Job, Larry Johnson
Congratulations, you got Rowdy Rowdy. Good Job, Fred Taylor
Congratulations, you just got charged with involuntary manslaughter. Good Job, Charles Grant
Congratulations, you just got nailed with disorderly conduct. Good Job, Kenton Keith
Congratulations, you just bitch slapped a woman. Good Job, Rocky Bernard
Congratulations, you just slammed a pole over the bouncer's head. Good Job, Bryant McKinnie
Congratulations, you just got arrested in IOWA! Good Job, Matt Roth
Congratulations, you just got charged with second Degree Assault. Good Job, Gerome Sapp.
Congratulations, you just broke a Cop's eyeglasses while resisting arrest. Good Job, Anthony Hargrove
Congratulations, you just made it rain. Good Job, Adam Pacman Jones
Congratulations, you just ended your career. Good Job, Mike Mason
Congratulations, you just smacked a woman upside the head. Good Job, Justin Miller
Congratulations, you just fought a club's security team. Good Job, Cedric Griffin
Congratulations, you just busted someone's face up. Good Job, Deshea Townsend
Congratulations, you just scored a fifth degree assault. Good Job, Travis Taylor

START OVER

You head home only to hear your back door slamming shut. Your live-in girlfriend comes scampering out to the hallway wearing only towel. You politely ask her what is going on, but she stumbles to find an answer.

The situation escalates, and you're filled with anger. You pull out your 9mm and direct it towards the forehead of that cheating hoe. Unfortunately she calls the police, and you're arrested.

Congratulations, you're Patriots DB Willie Andrews

START OVER

Motley Crue's GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS come on and those strip club honeys start dancing and shaking their asses Aphrodite's styles, all up in your face. What a wonderful way to relax: a cold beer, some fine ass honeys, and all of your friends.

Time flies by and its time to peace, but the testosterone has taken hold of you. You're a beast! You're 300lbs of Man! You see one of the strippers outside and proposition her, but she refuses. She must not know how famous you are, so you let your gun do the talking.

Congratulations You're Carolina OL Jeremy Bridges.

START OVER

The Police officer steps up to your car and sees the marijuana just sitting there. Why didn't you at least put it in the glove compartment? How did you forget to hide this shit? Did you really think the officer would think that they were just Cigars? You give the officer due respect, get off with just a warning.

Congratulations you're Steelers WR Santonio Holmes

START OVER

You're pulling away! Man, you're fast. What was your 40 time again? Oh man. You left the 1.875 grams of Marijuana in your car.

Congratulations you're the Browns Kenny Wright

START OVER

You hastily spark up your stash. Breathe in, Breathe out. You're a 300lb man, you can smoke this stuff before the Po-Po gets to your door. One more toke, you're almost there. You're stoned as all hell but the stash is gone. Unfortunately the officer has two functioning nostrils, and our out of luck.

Congratulations, You're Mike Patterson of the Philadelphia Eagles

START OVER

www.topherkris.com

BCS Standings and Blowjobs: A Tongue-and-Cheek Evaluation of the Teams

kris topher — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 23:37:01 -0500

College, Yah! There are two things that any red-blooded, steak-eating American male will remember about college: one is football, the other is blowjobs.

Both are infinitely more enjoyable with a cold beer in your hand and sometimes it’s best to just close your eyes and not bother watching either. So, with our hands clinched around a cold MGD, lets embark on this epic journey.

Alabama

Everyone talks about her as if she’s the best thing since beer in a can—a tall boy can. You remember hearing some cloudy details about her mythical abilities back when you were a freshman, but she dropped out and you haven’t seen her in a couple years.

Her mom was a 70s porn star, and your dad probably spanked it to her, so she’s got the pedigree. She’s back in town, and, needless to say, it's just as amazing as you thought it would be. Or is it?

It's been a while since you’ve been overwhelmed by the oral ability of a woman, and you’re having some issues putting things in perspective. I guess you can wait a few weeks for your trip down to the Georgia Dome to really wrap your mind around it.

Oklahoma

You’ve never heard anything bad about Oklahoma. Anyone who’s ever gotten head from her has praised her skill. She doesn’t even need to do anything special; she’s so damn attractive, you’re hard as the LSATs just looking at her.

This year is different, though. She must have talked to her friends from the all-girls private school that is the Big 12. She must have learned some tricks during one of their epic Victoria Secret pillow parties, because in addition to just being hot, she’s developed some serious skill. Some of your buddies argue that she’s the best out there.

Texas Tech

She used to be just about the gimmicks and kink, but you had to figure she’d eventually get good at slobbering on the salami. While she’s not quite as sexy as the other girls down in Big 12 country, she’s got one hell of a bag of tricks.

You’d be enjoying yourself, pleased with the experience, and out of nowhere she’d start massaging your prostrate and force you to pull her hair. You weren’t all that sure what to do at first, so you just went along with it...and you’re glad you did.

Texas

There’s something about Texas, something you can't get out of your head. It was terrific, but something was missing. She’s gorgeous, smart, and going places, but you get the feeling that she slept walk through it—that’s how good she is.

It got a bit sloppy about halfway through, and left you feeling dirty and used. Some people don’t mind sloppy as long as they finish, but these are the people who love Texas.

Florida

Florida was gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, and every other attractive adjective you can think of to describe a woman. Unfortunately, the speed and efficiency at which she operated caused you some serious embarrassment.

The damn thing was over before it began. No doubt it was amazing, but you pretty much sat there awestruck afterwards, while she went on with her day. Your ego was bruised and battered, but, goddamn, it was terrific.

USC

USC is the “hot girl” that everyone talks about regardless of how she actually looks on any given Saturday. Seriously, sometimes she doesn’t shower for a week, forgets to put on makeup, and wears Zubaz LA Rams cut-offs. But people still say she’s the hottest girl out there because when she does get dressed up, she’s the hottest thing you’ve seen.

The blowjob was spectacular, but you get the feeling that it's not about offense so much as it is about defense. Here’s a girl that’ll blow you so that you stop trying for the poontang and get out of her hair, not because you’ve earned it.

If not for that awkward start where she got too cocky and made a fool of herself by getting a pubic hair caught in her teeth, this would have been the best you had this year.

Utah

Utah is that sneaky hot chick that you’ve sort of kept your eye on for the last couple years but never really made a move on. A couple of buddies have raved about her refined skill, but they’ve had, like, two blowjobs between them, so can you really take them seriously?

It’s a hard decision, but do you give her a shot? If it’s all hype, you end up wasting a night that you could have spent with someone more reliable—like that hottie from Texas.

Penn State

This girl gives fundamentally sound gummers. Call her Old Reliable: year in and year out you can go to her and receive the antidote to whatever ails you.

There’s nothing special to her, and all of the other girls sat around waiting for her to screw up, and she did. A few weeks ago, she was drunk and exhausted—she’d just finished a final after two all-nighters, and she needed to blow off some steam, so y’all went and grabbed some cold ones.

You love this chick because she can go beer for beer with you, and she doesn’t drink triple-strawberry-banana-vodka-cream daiquiris, like those prissy bitches down south. Needless to say, she didn’t feel like giving you head, but she did it to prove herself. You were both pretty smashed, and you’re not sure if it was you or her, but either way, you just couldn’t get there.

Ohio State

This was one of your first blowjobs, and you were pretty content with her for a couple of years. You pretty much thought you were the luckiest guy in the world and couldn’t shut up about how awesome she was.

All your friends told you that you haven't seen shit till you been down south, but you didn’t listen. Eventually you made the trek, and they were right. You still have a soft spot for her in your heart, but you’re totally over that methodically slow blowjob.

Georgia

Georgia was supposed to be the best out there, but she failed to impress. You can’t pinpoint it, because it seems as if she’s got all the tools.

She’s beautiful, flashy and talented, but DAMN.

You know once it gets to the next level, and you get her into the sack, she’s going to be the best in the country. But at this point, she can't compete with the other girls. Maybe she was looking ahead.

BYU

Everyone told you that she didn’t give head, but you love a challenge. You wasted a good three weeks of your life, and all you got was a promise ring. A freakin’ promise ring.

Notre Dame

You got a great one from this girl, but it seems like eons ago. Now she’s into Tori Amos and Emily Dickinson.

It's just too much—you don't even want one from her because you know it means you’ll have to listen to her bitch about the glass ceiling for the next three hours. She’s painful to be around, and even more painful to watch.

(I tried to make sure all of the photos were under the Creative Commons copyright from flickr.com—if by any chance you're reading this article and you're like, "DEAR GOD, THATS ME," email me and I'll take the photo down.)

Bills In Toronto: Without Consent Or Lubrication

kris topher — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 04:40:54 -0500

Bills in Toronto, without Consent!" title="bills_toronto2" />

On December 7th, Toronto is welcoming the Buffalo Bills with open arms into our precious Skydome Rogers Center.

We’re doing this because Rogers Communication and the NFL have snuck a rather large quantity of roofies into our 5.5% Beer, and Delicious Maple Syrup.

The NFL has come to Toronto before, but its always just been pre-season action which is about as appealing and climatic as watching re-runs of “So You Think You Can Dance CANADA”.

When the details were discussed it was pretty clear that Miami was indeed going to be the worst team in the league. Miami was awful last year, and while Buffalo and Miami have the strongest rivalry in the AFC East—The bigwigs in Buffalo probably decided this would be the worst home game of the year.

There’s been a good deal of speculation that after Ralph Wilson kicks the bucket, the team could be brought up to Toronto with this being the test run.

Unfortunately, whoever priced the tickets to this event must think Canadians are so hungry for the NFL, they’d enjoy being double teamed by Aaron Schobel and Marcus Stroud while Steve Tasker does the play-by-play: “Look John, the push Stroud is getting up the middle is nonhuman. He’s using his brute strength of tear through the protection and Schobel, My God! The speed! Different technique, same results John.”

A ticket to the 500 Level of the Skydome is 255 Dollars a piece, without service charges. Now anyone who’s done a Ballpark tour of the MLB knows that the Skydome has the greatest distance between 500 Level and Pitchers Mound in the league. These are not good seats, and while they’re probably comparable to a lot of NFL Seats, they’re pretty bad seats. A Blue Jays game from this vantage point is nine dollars, CANADIAN.

Ralph Wilson Stadium is about two hours driving from Toronto, depending on the boarding crossing (it's about 120 km, or 70 miles)

The Tickets @ Ralph Wilson for the 49ers game are a whole new ballgame:

Lower Bowl: Section 137, Row 21, Seats 23 and 24 are $66 Dollars, 66 DOLLARS. That's like 80 Canadian, Max.

Say you’re feeling a bit cheaper and you decide to go for the 200 Level at Ralph Wilson your prices for Section 204, Row 10, Seats 27-28 are $48. 48 DOLLARS. 60 Canadian.

Some Maths: Toronto's Roger Centre vs. Ralph Wilson Stadium

Toronto: Two Tickets at 255 = 510 Dollars

Buffalo 100: Two Tickets at 80 Dollars = 160 Dollars

Buffalo 200: Two Tickets at 60 Dollars = 120 Dollars

With the left over money 350 Dollars Canadian we can:

Drive Down there, and Fill our Gas Tank up in the States and drive back for 60 Bucks
Hell, why not spend a couple nights in a Motel or Hotel, at 80-150 Bucks per night we can check in before the game, watch the game and then not have to worry about driving back that night.
Might as well stop at the Duty Free shop on our way back and buy some Alcohol and Tobacco, we do have 140 Bucks left.

The logic behind the “BILLS IN TORONTO” is from the Frat Boys Book of Economics. If you take a chick who’s never been to a fancy restaurant out for a nice dinner, odds are you’re going to score yourself a blow job whereas if she goes out every week to five star restaurants, taking her out for a fancy dinner will probably land you a peck on the cheek, MAX.

A lot of Torontonians have never been to the fancy restaurant that is an NFL regular season game, and we’re more than willing to tongue the balls of the man who made this all possible.

Hell, we might even swallow.

topherkris.com

The Art Of The Autograph: A Blue Jays Year In Review

kris topher — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 14:43:11 -0500

The MLB season has concluded and I've had some time to sit back and think about the season as a whole, not with regards to how the Toronto Blue Jays did or whether or not AJ Burnett will ever see Toronto again but about Autographs.

It started around March of 2008, when I realized the you could attend all 81 Blue Jays home games for the low price of $99. With individual tickets being 9 dollars a piece, i figured I'd easily attend 11 games so I went out and bought a pass.

The Skydome or Rogers Centre isn't the best place to sit back and watch a ball game, but their newly implemented policy of allowing food and drinks into the stadium really made ball games tolerable. You could stop at one of the many fast food places around the Dome, grab yourself a lunch and coke and pop over to the game. Saving $20 a night really makes the game easier to sit through.

About a month into the 2008 Season, I realized you could show up an hour and a half before the game and regardless of where your seat was, you could step down to field level and try and snag a ball, and ask for a few autographs.

I found myself getting bored of the signed balls, cards and ticket stubs pretty quickly and figured it woudln't be too hard to actually sketch the players out before the game and try to get their autographs.

Frank Thomas was amazing, as i'd tried while he was with the Blue Jays but couldn't get him until he came back with the Oakland A's.

Joe Mauer was probably the highlight of the season for me, and the Twins were far and away the team that signed the most. A simple please and thank you, without sounding like a complete idiot, went a long way.

Brad Ziegler renewed my hope in Major Leaguers as a whole. Here was a man who stood outside long after all of his teammates had went in to the clubhouse.

I'd like to know what people think of the Autograph Experience at their local ballpark and whether or not its tolerable. I realized pretty quickly that the standard autograph hound is about 6', 270lbs, lacking deodorant and manners. I'm not sure how the autograph experience could be improved but it really is survival of the fittest. A small child has no shot, unless a player comes directly to him.

NFL Week 10: Early-Week Betting Lines and Picks

kris topher — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 11:31:47 -0500

POINT SPREAD AND PICKS FOR WEEK 10 GAMES

Denver Broncos @ Cleveland Browns (-3)

Denver has all the tools to win this game, and it should clearly go over the 48-point total, considering just how badly these two defenses play. Neither one can stop the run, and while Cleveland is slowly putting together a pretty solid secondary, they’re still prone to mental mistakes, which Shanahan and Cutler should capitalize on.

Cleveland’s defense as a whole really should be better than this, considering the pieces that are in place, but they don’t seem to be getting enough pressure up front. If Shaun Rogers continues what he’s done his whole career, and we’ve seen flashes of that the past few weeks, Cleveland can win.

However, the Broncos should be able to mark up enough QB pressures and sacks to get into the head of Anderson and the extremely soft receiving corps of the Cleveland Browns.

Denver Wins Outright 31-24.

Jacksonville Jaguars (-6) @ Detroit Lions

Let the Daunte Culpepper experiment begin. Calvin Johnson is good enough to just go up and get it, much like Moss did in Minnesota, but unless Detroit can find a running game, they wont be able to hang in many games.

Jacksonville looks lost, and the frustration is starting to show through. Jack Del Rio is a solid coach, and he should be able to motivate the guys in the trenches well enough to tear off a nice little win streak at some point during the season. While Cleveland gave Jacksonville fits, and Detroit is just a slightly lesser version of Cleveland’s predictable pass attack, Jacksonville was still in that game until the last play.

The Jaguars will come together and win this game by the halfway point of the third quarter.

Jacksonville covers the six and wins 27 – 17

Tennessee Titans (-3) @ Chicago Bears

To beat the Titans, you’re going to require a squad that has a smart QB, a smart LB corps, and a half-decent running game. Right now, it's up in the air as to who will start for the Bears at QB (it looks like Orton’s out for four weeks, so it’ll be Grossman), but it doesn’t particularly matter.

Neither Grossman nor Orton have the patience or the ability to progress through their reads at supersonic speed without making the big mistakes. Chicago’s run game and defense will keep this close, and with their LBs, they may be able to at test the patience of the Titans.

So far, there hasn’t been a team thats really made Kerry Collins make the tough decisions, and the Bears could be that team. If L. White and C. Johnson can be contained, then a few chinks in the Titans' armor may end up becoming visible cracks. The Bears' D will win this game, and then whoever is manning the QB spot will lose it.

Tennessee wins 17 – 10.

Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots (-4.5)

The Bills are downright impossible to understand. The defense is sound and often has the potential to be great, so long as Williams and Stroud keep guards from getting to their smallish LB crew, which shouldn’t be a problem against New England’s undersized line.

Posluszny and Mitchell shouldn’t have to spend all day fighting through blocks, which ends up giving the entire Bills’ defense trouble. The Bills' secondary, like their LB crew, is smallish but quick-fast. L. McKelvin has produced as expected for a first-year uber-athletic CB/PR.

Ashton Youboty, who came out a year too early is proving that he’s going to be a damn good corner, or even FS, sometime very soon. Whitner will never live up to his high first-round selection, as he was taken about five to 10 picks too early, but he’s still very reliable.

With all this said, if Cassel can find Moss, the Bills might have some issues, otherwise, even with a healthy Brady, the Bills matchup pretty well, at least on paper. I’m not sure how the Patriots win this game unless their defense does it for them. A steady dose of Lynch and Jackson should keep that defense from getting too aggressive.

Buffalo takes it outright: 24-21.

New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons (-1)

In a situation like this, where a great running game is facing a great passing game, I’d almost always go for the running game. The NFC South is a bit wacky though, and I’m tempted to just take the home team. However, they’re playing in a dome, and New Orleans is just too good to really blow this game.

New Orleans needs this game, and they’ll make Matt Ryan beat them. They’re coming off a bye week, and a big W over SD the week before; so, assuming everyone plays (W. Smith & McAllister), they should be fine.

Grant, Ellis, and Smith should cause more than enough problems for the Falcons, with Vilma cleaning up the mess. This is going to say a lot about M. Ryan: He should be able to put up a 300-yard game, and he’ll have to if the Falcons have a shot.

New Orleans takes it 31 – 27.

St Louis Rams @ New York Jets (-7.5)

Haslett has the Rams playing football, unfortunately “football” doesn’t include pass defense. It might come down to whether or not S. Jackson is finally 100 percent or not, but I don't believe that to be the case.

I like the Jets' defense this year, and particularly the additions. They should be coming together by about this point, and they’re only going to get better. Favre should approach 300 yards and the new comers, K. Jenkins, and C. Pace, should really have a field day.

The Jets should cover, and cover easily. However, this is a Jets team that will give up the late scores, which could cause issues if the spread gets too large. Obviously, check the game-day weather but:

Jets 31 – STL 17

Seattle Seahawks @ Miami Dolphins (-9)

I’m not certain how Miami is going to win this game, and nine points is a lot to give a team that doesn’t have a clear-cut advantage on either offense or defense. Basically, it comes down to whether or not the merely passable secondary of Seattle is going to get too frustrated by Miami’s dinking and dunking.

Seattle should be able to move the ball, at least for few extended periods of time, and Seneca Wallace should provide the mobility required to get away from Jerry Porter, et. al.

What Seneca Wallace does after he escapes the initial pressure is the deciding factor in this game. If he starts throwing picks, Miami will cover the nine points and more. If he allows himself to work within Holmgren’s system, the ‘Hawks have a shot for a pretty big upset.

How much impact did Jason Ferguson’s departure have on the Dallas Cowboys?

Miami’s become respectable and have beat some darn good teams. Porter is once again a rush linebacker, and Channing Crowder is racking up the tackles.

The Seahawks have started looking like Holmgren’s Seahawks and can win the game outright, or at least have a chance to at the end.

Miami 20 – Seattle 24

Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings (-2.5)

Well, if this game were played on a neutral site, I’d have to go with Green Bay, and with the three points they’re giving the home team, I’ve gotta assume they’re saying GB and MIN are equally matched.

Minnesota can run the ball and stop the run with the best of them. Green Bay cannot run the ball at all this year, and I haven’t the slightest idea why. If this game were in early November and was at Lambeau, I’d be tempted to take the Vikings, but the domed confines of Minnesota almost favor Green Bay.

Green Bay wins a close one, for absolutely no justifiable reason: 22 – 21

Carolina Panthers (-8.5) @ Oakland Raiders

Oakland cannot score points. They’ve yet to find a reliable means by which they can drive the field and then put points on the board, and to top that off, they’ve got no stability, none. Carolina has the ability to put together perfect drives between Williams, Stewart, and Steve Smith.

They can go 100 yards and have 50 rushing and 50 passing. They’re balanced on offense and have a good, fundamentally-sound defense with tackle-machine Beason, and quick-fast converted safety T. Davis. Oakland doesn’t have an answer for Carolina’s offense or their defense.

Carolina 32 – Oakland 10

Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers (-13.5)

Will the real L.T. please stand up. San Diego is pissed off, real pissed off. They’re still soft, but they’re pissed off. They should have no problem dismissing with Kansas City and Tyler Thigpen. Kansas City blew their load against Tampa and came away with a L. San Diego now knows to expect these things and should be fired up after that bad loss to NO.

Will the Chargers look past the Chiefs to Pittsburgh, though? Kansas City is bad enough to just assume your O will take care of itself. If San Diego is looking ahead they might get caught and only win by 10 or so.

However, San Diego takes it and covers: San Diego 31 – Kansas City 13

Indianapolis Colts @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)

Peyton Manning looks hurt. Two weeks ago, I figured they had all of the ingredients to beat up on Tennessee, but Manning was just missing throws. Bob Sanders should be around 100 percent coming into this week, which makes the Colts' defense a lot better. They instantly become a top-10 defense with the addition of one player, assuming the injuries to the other DBs don’t linger.

However, Pittsburgh got Parker back and shouldn’t have any problem dismissing with the Colts. They would have taken care of the Giants if Parker were healthy and should cover against the Colts.

Pittsburgh 24 – Indy 17

New York Giants @ Philadelphia (-3)

The Giants are good, real good. Eli has matured into a first-rate quarterback, but there are still times where he pulls an I Am Sam . The Giants should be able to get some serious pressure on McNabb, but assuming Westbrook’s fully healthy, I’m taking the Eagles for a few reasons.

Jim Johnson is going to come up with some pretty unique blitzes to seriously screw with Eli. The Eagles are going to have to score early to really give Johnson some leeway, but it's possible.
Bunkley and Patterson, two first-round picks that underachieved for a season or two are finally starting to come into their own.
The linebackers can fill holes and know how to tackle. The Giants' running game is predicated on a lack of defensive fundamentals. These guys will wrap up, drag down, and gang tackle B. Jacobs.
Their secondary is damn good, and the weather is getting pretty bad. The DBs that Philly has back there are all ballhawks, and a Manning mistake could easily result in a pick six.
Unlike previous years, there is no vertical threat from a non-WR spot from the Giants. They’re throwing to K. Boss and A. Bradshaw, and Philly doesn’t have to be scared of them, allowing them to focus very heavily on the run support from their LB and S spots.

Philly takes this one 20 – 17

Baltimore Ravens @ Houston Texans (-2)

This really depends on the health of Rolle and McAllister. Baltimore will take this game if even one of the two plays. Sage apparently told Matt Schaub that Andre Johnson still exists, and for the past month, Johnson’s been the league’s best wideout, which could cause some issues for the Ravens.

The Texans' defense is wildly underrated, and they can keep them in games when they have no place being there. Houston’s defense should stop the run well enough to make Flacco beat them, and like last, week Flacco might just do that with a solid 200-250 yards and a couple timely scoring drives.

Baltimore barely covers, and the offense scores 17, with the defense making up the rest. As a general rule, betting with or against Baltimore is a terrible idea. They are the one team in the league that just does not seem to care: They play when they want to play and quit when they want to quit.

Baltimore 24 - Houston 21

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals (-9.5)

San Francisco is free falling after their loss to Seattle. Arizona should at least get another couple points by the time the weeks out, and regardless of whether or not they end up with a run game, they should win this one easily.

Why is this on Monday Night Football ?

Frank Gore will try his darndest to keep the 49ers in the game, but one turnover means disaster for the 49ers.

Arizona 38 – San Francisco 17

topherkris.com! Buy Some Baseball Art or Autographs

NFLWeek 9: How They Lost It

kris topher — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 17:10:58 -0500

Cowboys 14, Giants 35

A few quick thoughts regarding the absence of Romo. Obviously, teams are going to stack the box and make either Johnson or Bollinger beat them, but this really cannot account for the pitiful display of football the 'boys have put on.

"Run the Ball. Stop the Run. Win." —(pg. 1, The Holy Bible Of Football)

The Cowboys have one of the most dominating lines in football anchored by a massive right guard, a couple of very good tackles, and the man who got his face stomped by Mr. Haynesworth and can still eat solid food let alone play football.

With Marion Barber back there, there's no reason why they should be able to run the ball against eight and nine man fronts at least well enough to keep teams honest—as backwards as that sounds. Atlanta does it, Chicago does it, Baltimore does it, Washington does it, and Minnesota does it. Brad Johnson is in the same league as Ryan, Orton, Flacco, Campell, and Good Old Gus, so what is the problem?

They either miss Julius Jones (no) or they've decided they just don’t care for it (yes). The games are getting out of hand pretty early because the Cowboys simply cannot stop the run with the scheme they're in.

Marcus Spears is a good 3-4 end, and Canty has been a nice surprise since he's been in the league but who's manning the Nose? Follow that up the gut, and you've got smallish ILBs unable to fight through the blocks and maintain any sort of gap responsibilities—let alone pursuit.

One final note: Jenkins looked good for the majority of tonight. Did the Cowboys even need Adam Jones and the trouble he brings?

Chiefs 27, Bucs 30

Matt Bryant Kicked a 34-Yard field goal: 30-27. It’s just fun to recite.

The opposing teams QB flanks out wide, please ask yourself these two questions:

Is the Ball in the air?
Has he passed five yards?

If the answer to these questions is "no", knock him to his ass. Trying to injure someone is against the spirit of the game, but trying to hurt someone is part of the game. Why teams do not take this opportunity to have a free shot at the QB is beyond me.

Bills 17, Jets 26

Lynch sickened by 100-yard dash. I suppose that's why they do the 40 at the combine.

Browns 27, Ravens 37

Both starting CB's out and you put up 219 yards passing?

Detroit 23, Chicago 27

She was drunk and lonely and you forgot your rubber at home. That's why you're a virgin.