Bleacher Report - Articles by Billy Ray

Breaking News: Barack Obama Named Finalist For Heisman Trophy

Billy Ray — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:20:06 -0400

It was announced today that President Barack Obama has been named a finalist for the 2009 Heisman Memorial Trophy Award as presented by the Downtown Athletic Club.

President Obama just held a press conference to respond to this honor and had this to say. "Let me be clear: I do not view this as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of the totalitarian agenda of the NCAA. We have much in common."

"I know it is highly unusual for a non-football player to be named a finalist for the Heisman but I believe that with hope and change, along with social justice, this will not be my last sports type of award thingy."

President Obama went on to thank his wife Michelle, George Soros, Bill Ayers and ACORN.

After waiting for the thunderous applause to cease and Chris Matthews to stop humping his leg, he closed with these remarks.

"To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures from the storied history of college football. After all, I'm Barack Obama. I've got a Nobel Peace Prize. What have they done?"

He is the only finalist named so far and the first non-college football player to ever receive this honor.

Nostroldumass Reveals This Week's Football Winners

Billy Ray — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 22:45:18 -0400

So I'm sitting here and I'm wondering, what is up with this college football season?

Injuries.

Upsets.

Boise State in the top 5.

It's like no other season in the history of college football.

Oh, wait, it's not. Come to think of it, injuries and upsets have been happening fairly regularly.

Injuries?

Ever hear of Tony Pike, the underrated offensive leader of Cincinnati? You may not have EVER known his name if injuries hadn't sidelined the two QB's he was backing up at the start of last season.

Dennis Dixon's late season injury may have cost a very good Oregon team a shot at the BCS championship game not that long ago.

Upsets? Just a few fairly recent ones off the top of my head.

Appalachian State taking down Michigan in Ann Arbor. Stanford crushing USC's title hopes as over 40 point underdogs. Navy ends the streak of futility against Notre Dame.

I could name more of both but, hey, who's got the time? Wife, kids, life. Doesn't exactly leave much time for "thorough" research.

Okay, maybe Boise State this high, this early is a pretty infrequent occurrence but I believe they have finished a season in the top five before.

Cincinnati is now in the top ten.

South Florida got up to number two in the polls a few seasons back. And it just beat Florida State.

My point is everything has not gone crazy.

You dead Uncle Pervy is not suddenly shivering 'cause hell has not frozen over.

There's a simple explanation for what is happening this season.

I know, you're thinking here is the part where I start talking about parity in the college game.

About how the NCAA's Title IX legislation has leveled the playing field and allowed the little brothers of football to close the gap in talent.

That the elite football factories can no longer stockpile players like they once did.

Maybe it's because the players are larger, stronger and faster than they have ever been.

A 250 pound linebacker running at full speed is going to leave a mark if he tackles you.

Injuries happen because this is a contact sport.

None of this logically explains why this is happening.

In fact, there is only one logical, indisputable reason why these things continue to happen.

That's right. Global Warming.

Or is it Global Cooling now that solar activity has gone into a low cycle and temperatures are dropping?

Heck, I don't know what it's called now, but it is definitely, beyond a shadow of a doubt the reason everything has gone "whack". I think.

Since I don't have any actual facts to support this claim, I think I'll call up Al Gore for his take. He has a slide show and everything.

I'll let you know what he has to say on the subject.

And while I'm thinking about it, what's up with the new anti-contact rules? I know it's not exactly on subject but my mind wanders.

It seems like they are aiming to put pink panties on the players with all the new rules.

Horse collar? Leading with the head? Hitting a defenseless player? Coming out of the game if you're bleeding?

Is this still football or has it now turned into a play date with another school?

When I played (okay, it was the stone age), these things were encouraged.

You horse collared someone? "Hey, good job! Way to grab 'hold and bring him down!"

Hitting someone in the head or smacking a receiver as the ball goes by? "Way to punish 'em!"

You're bleeding? "Rub some dirt on it!"

The bone is sticking out? "All right, sit on the bench a minute. We'll tape it up AND rub some dirt on it!"

I'm just saying, it's still football. Let 'em play!

Anyway, what was I doing? Oh yeah, I promised some predictions didn't I?

Okay, here goes.

I, Nostroldumass, being the worlds leading psychotic that I am, hereby reveal exactly how this weekend's games will play out.

Most of the better teams will win. Some won't.

At least one highly rated team will lose and everybody will say "Wow".

Some players will get injured. Most won't.

A highly regarded player may get hurt, in which case someone will say they should have gone pro last year.

And Boise State will still be ranked too high.

Putting on the Foil: The Hansons, Funniest Sports Characters Ever

Billy Ray — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 09:03:25 -0500

While there have been numerous funny moments in sports movies, I would have to say the debut of the Hanson brothers in the classic Paul Newman hockey flick, Slapshot, is my all time favorite.

Out of all the outrageous fictitious characters on film, these guys stand out from the rest. For all you sports fans out there too young to have seen this movie, it is definitely worth the watch.

From the time we first see them as they are attacking a soda vending machine until the all-out brawl on the ice in the championship game, they are a non-stop riot. Everything about the Hanson brothers is enough to cause one to rush to the store for a case of adult sized diapers.

I’m talking lose control of your bodily functions funny.

Toys packed in suitcases for road trips. Knuckles wrapped in tin foil under their hockey gloves. Climbing into the stands to attack heckling fans and not caring if they are pummeling the right person. They cheap shot every opposing player that comes within range on the ice or on the bench.

Even the organ player in the arena was not safe from these goons.

Who among us can’t recall watching Slapshot and then using a hockey stick to bash a friend over the head? Or ordering a pizza with our one phone call from jail the first time we were arrested for assault with a deadly weapon?

Don’t we all remember the beautiful female fans and the wild parties in the hotels that went on all night after our road games?

I know I’ll never forget the time a player from the other team looked at me so I hit him in the face without any warning and started a bench clearing melee before the game began. These are just a few of the great memories Ihave from the third grade. Oh, good times. I owe them all to the Hansons.

This is not to diminish the other hilarious sports characters portrayed over the years. Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle (juuust a bit outside) in Major League. Adam Sandler as Bobby Boucher (look who’s on TV, Mama… it’s the devil) in The Waterboy.

Will Ferrell as Ricky Bobby (let me just quote the late, great Colonel Sanders, who said… “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken”) and John C. Reilly as Cal Naughton, Jr. (I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle’s wings, and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, an angel band and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk) in Talladega Nights.

These are just a few who stand out off the top of my head.

But if you are looking for the funniest, most outrageous fictional sports characters, there are two words you can say that are sure to send a stream of whatever liquid I’m drinking shooting out of my nose and into your face. The Hansons. That’s all you have to say.

The Hanson brothers are icons of the sports world, bigger than life. They are as American as hockey and Doritos. Dare I say it? Without the Hanson’s, there would be no America.

My point is the Hanson’s helped shape who I am as a person. They are responsible for the man I am today. So what if I am writing this from a maximum security facility, serving 30-to-life? The judge may have called it attempted murder but I say I was just being an American.

And really, wouldn’t we all be better off if we all lived by the golden rule: Do unto others as the Hanson’s would do unto you.

P.S. If there are any competent defense attorneys out there reading this, I could really use some good legal advice. And no matter what my previous attorney and his proctologist may tell you, he slipped and fell on that hockey stick. It was a million to one shot.

*Bleacher Report Disclaimer – Bleacher Report strongly discourages anybody from making contact of any kind with this psycho. It is a matter of court record that he threatened to turn his attorney into a popsicle before the hockey stick incident.*

Breaking News: NCAA Approves College Football Playoffs Starting in 2009

Billy Ray — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 11:14:50 -0500

This just in:

The NCAA has just released a statement that says they have reached an agreement in principle to start a college football playoff for the FBS division, formerly known as Division I, starting next season.

This agreement has apparently been reached after an emergency meeting that started immediately after the BCS Title game and lasted over 168 hours straight.

All the BCS conferences were represented at the meeting.

The other non-BCS conferences were informed of the agreement prior to the press release. When a few of these conferences protested about not having a say in this proposal, they were told, “you are lucky we are even telling you.”

There have been many problems with reaching an agreement on a playoff system for the top division in football.

Among the major sticking points has been the idea that a playoff system would interfere with the student-athletes' schoolwork.

After some intense research by a team of monkeys working non-stop without banana breaks, it was discovered that all the other college football divisions already had viable playoffs that determined a champion at the end of the season.

It was also discovered that the student athletes involved in these playoffs did not all flunk out of school and resort to crime or working the graveyard drive-thru shift at a local Carl’s Jr.

Details of the new playoff system have not been released yet, but we are expecting to learn more in the press conference that is about to take place.

NCAA spokesman Forrest Gump has just stepped up to the microphone from their headquarters in Greenbow, Alabama.

Mr. Gump: “My momma always said a college football playoff was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get until you're the captain of your own shrimp boat.

“A few different options were discussed, including ideas with four, eight, and even 16 teams. Now I don’t know about all that. We have settled on a playoff that should please everybody and solve all problems.

“We have decided on a one-team playoff system. That's all I have to say about that.”

When told by members of the media that this made no sense and was a stupid idea, Mr. Gump responded by saying, “stupid is as stupid does.”

Mr. Gump then started crying and mumbling something about someone named Jenny. He then left the podium, jumped on his riding lawnmower, said “I’ve gotta find Bubba,” and drove away.

It is rumored that President-elect Barack Obama’s endorsement of a playoff system had a major impact on the agreement.

Mr. Obama has just held a press conference in support of this new playoff system. Mr. Obama said, “Hope. Change. Hope and change. In conclusion, let me just say that all college football fans should hope for the change to my new college football playoff system that will benefit 95 percent of all Americans.”

Currrent President George W. Bush also released a statement praising the strategerie involved in the decision.

We will bring you more updates as the story unfolds.

Late breaking news

The NCAA has just issued a statement saying the playoff proposal has been shelved.

According to sources, the agreement was effectively killed when a representative from the University of Southern California came back and demanded that they be included in the one-team playoff for the title every year.

Upon hearing of this, representatives of the SEC issued a similar demand for their own conference champion.

Supporters of the University of Texas then threatened to hire a plane to fly a banner with the score of the 2008 Red River Rivalry game over the stadium every year they were not included.

Notre Dame requested they be included any year in which they managed to win at least eight games and were ranked in the top 40.

Reportedly, the University of Oklahoma and Ohio State University were thrilled with the one-team playoff proposal.

Thanks for reading another one of my Breaking News stories. I would have posted it sooner but there was another incident.

Not to go into too many details, but let’s just say I don’t know if you are familiar with loan-sharks, but the ones I know have got NO sense of humor.

I’m out on the road again and going by the name Hector Gonzales. I’ll be wearing a long black wig with a fake beard.

If you see me blowing by doing about 110 MPH in a crimson and cream '68 Camaro, wave “Hello!”

If I am being pulled over, please remember to call me Hector.

Apparently I am getting quite a few fans out there who recognize me. I seem to get the “you’re No. 1!” finger sign wherever I go.

Oh, and to the REAL Hector Gonzales: If you get a notice in the mail about a large speeding ticket fine in New Jersey, just give me a call and I will take care of it.

My phone number is 1-800-BYT-EMEE.

That is the number on all your new credit card applications.

Breaking News: Oklahoma Guarantees win in BCS Championship Game

Billy Ray — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 09:26:26 -0500

This just in from Oklahoma.

A source affiliated with the University of Oklahoma's Athletic Department has given us exclusive information that the Sooners football team has been guaranteed a victory in the upcoming BCS Title game scheduled to take place on January 8th.

This announcement, comes just a few days after the Sooners were supposedly going to forfeit the game.

This source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, stated that Oklahoma will definitely win the championship game this year. The result of the game has been pre-determined and the outcome cannot be changed. The source also said that the Sooners must simply show up at the game for the victory to take place.

When asked how this guarantee could be possible, the source said the Sooners had a secret weapon that assured a victory.

When asked a follow-up question as to whether this so-called "secret weapon" was legal, the source simply said there is nothing in the rule book specifically prohibiting it.

The BCS quickly issued an announcement in response to this breaking news out of Oklahoma. BCS spokesman Eric Cartman read from a prepared statement from the BCS headquarters in South Park, Colorado.

Mr. Cartman said, "My fellow Americans, this news coming from the University of Oklahoma is just not cool. I demand they reveal this secret weapon and that they RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAH! Now, if you will excuse me, my pot pie is ready. I'm going home."

When contacted about the BCS statement demanding they reveal what this secret weapon is, the Oklahoma Sports Information Department responded by saying, "What are you talking about?"

More updates as this story unfolds.

Okay, by anonymous I actually mean the source is me. By affiliated with the University of Oklahoma Athletic Department, I mean, I watch every football game. I also own numerous Sooner articles of clothing, about 20 hats and I have an OU license plate on the front of my car. A portion of each sale went to the athletic department.

And the "secret weapon" is actually the magical, lucky underwear that I have worn during all Sooner victories and will be sporting during the title game. I have a few other lucky clothing articles I also wear, but I am pretty sure it is the underwear that has the magic.

I know you are probably saying that nothing I wear will have any effect on the outcome of the game. I say prove it.

You may say my choice of magical undergarments assuring an OU victory is a silly superstition. I say do not be naive. Of course it does.

You may be thinking what about the Texas game? I was not wearing them for the Texas game.

Why not? Well, there was an accident. Not to go into too many details, let's just say do not eat a Quickie Mart burrito the night before a big game. Or put on your lucky undies first thing in the morning.

Oh, I put them on again after middle linebacker Ryan Reynolds got hurt in the third quarter, but apparently they have to be clean for the magic to work.

Do not worry fellow Sooner fans, they are clean and are stocking up on magic as they sit in my britches drawer waiting for gameday. And I have learned my lesson, no more burritos.

More Breaking News on page 2:

I am going to try to do a new Breaking News article every week for those twisted individuals who enjoy this kind of thing.

There may be those of you saying, "hey, I do not want to read this moron every week."

Just for you I have obtained testimonials from others so you can be assured of the quality of my articles.

"He is a good boy and he means well," said Mrs. Ray, the writers mother.

"Billy Ray? I have not even thought about that guy in years. What a loser," said Rodney Jackson, the writers best friend.

"Yeah, I know him. You tell that #*^@*^$@ (my good buddy) I want my #&%@*$^! money by next Friday or this time I'm going to break BOTH his *$&%@&$# legs!" said Bruno, the writers bookie.

"Billy, I know it's you. I recognize your voice. Oh, quit crying! I told you the kids and I aren't coming home till you get a job," said Carri Ray, the writers wife.

"Billy? Yes, he's my son. Please tell him to bring my car back or I'll have to call the cops again. That car is worth more than he is," said Mr. Ray, the writers father.

"Tell him I want my lawnmower back. And working this time," said Jeff, the writer's neighbor.

"What do you want? Billy Ray, that son of a.... I mean, yeah he's a friend of mine. Do you know where we can find him?" said Tony Soprano, an acquaintance of the writer.

And finally,

"You're an idiot," said Michael, fellow Bleacher Report writer.

Okay, so the testimonials may not have gone as well as I hoped.

I would have had more but I must have been having phone problems. I called more people, but the line kept going dead as soon as my name was mentioned. That happens a lot. It is weird.

Well anyway, I will be bringing you new Breaking News as often as possible. I would like to give you a regular schedule but this poses problems as I am in hiding, er, I mean frequently out of town for business.

I am currently hanging out at my old stomping grounds at Southwestern Delaware State School for the Flatulent and having lots of fun. Wait, maybe I should not put that in here.

I was just kidding. Like I'm stupid enough to tell where I'm hiding.

That is all for this week. Remember, an OU victory is guaranteed. You can take that to the bank.*

By the way, would anybody out there know of a bookie in Delaware who might be willing to take the title to a '68 Camaro for collateral? It's cherry.

*Bleacher Report Disclaimer - Bleacher Report cannot be held responsible for anything this jerk says. Nor are we liable for any loss of funds, shattered marriages or broken bones resulting from listening to any advice he may give. Gambling is illegal in most states.*

Breaking News: Oklahoma Forfeits BCS Game and Will Not Go to Miami

Billy Ray — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:30:09 -0500

This breaking news from Norman, Oklahoma. The University of Oklahomas' Sports Information Department has just issued a press release stating that the Sooners' football team will not be going to Miami, Florida to participate in the BCS Championship Game scheduled to take place on the 8th of January. Oklahoma has instead decided to forfeit the game and concede the national title to the University of Florida.

In the statement just released the University has listed numerous reasons as being key factors in the decision. Among these are:

1) The national consensus among college football fans that the Sooners have no chance of beating the Florida Gators. This is indisputable. To deny this is on par with saying blow-hard Al Gore is the main cause of global warming.

2) The media consensus that the Oklahoma football team should not even show up. These guys are professionals. They are never wrong.

3) Oklahoma is much too small to compete with the University of Florida. Every member of Florida's second string would take a Sooner starter's spot.

4) Oklahoma is not fast enough to handle the awesome speed of the Gators. Forget the skill players, the Gators' linebackers and defensive ends will win the next Olympic 100 meter relay.

5) No team outside of the SEC plays any defense. Oklahoma's defense, it turns out, may be the worst defense in the history of bad defenses.

6) The SEC is always the best conference. No team outside of the SEC could ever beat an SEC team.

7) All of Oklahoma's victories came against inferior competition. Tim Tebow could have beaten every one of these teams all by himself.

8) Bob Stoops and his staff of morons will be out-coached by Urban Meyer and his staff. Picture Forest Gump in a battle of wits against Stephen Hawking.

9) Oklahoma should not have even had the opportunity to play in their conference championship game, much less the BCS Title game. Texas supporters even hired a plane with a banner that proved this point beyond a doubt.

10) The Texas Longhorns are the true champions of the BIG 12 Conference. Just ask them.

Because of these and other reasons too numerous to list, the University of Oklahoma has decided it will be in the best interest of all involved to forfeit the game and stay home.

According to everyone outside of Oklahoma this would be a worse mismatch than when that little David kid in the Bible made the mistake of taking on that giant Goliath dude. The best case scenario was a few Sooners actually survived the game.

The BCS issued their own statement about the situation in support of the Sooners' decision.

BCS spokesman Eric Cartman read from a prepared statement at the BCS headquarters in South Park, Colorado.

Mr. Cartman said, "My fellow Americans, ask not what your BCS can do for you, ask what can you do for your BCS. Remember, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Or low television ratings. Or maybe running out of pie. Oh, just forget it. I'm going home."

As reported by Florida fans and players, this announcement came as a huge relief to the Sooners' players who had been alternating between sucking their thumbs and wetting themselves since this match-up against the mighty Gators was finalized.

Late Breaking News:

Oklahoma Sooners' Head Coach Bob Stoops has just released a new statement.

According to our sources within the program, Coach Stoops said "Well, we already put down a deposit on the hotel rooms and we just found out our super-saver plane tickets are non-refundable. I guess we're going to Miami after all. Sorry to disappoint everyone. You know what? If it's all the same to you, since we're going to be there anyway, we may as well just show up and play in that darn game after all."

Oh, Sooner fans, how will we survive?

What Makes a Good Rivalry

Billy Ray — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 02:24:11 -0500

The BIG GAME is coming up. Your favorite team has a date with destiny. It is here again, time for the annual rivalry against your most hated nemesis, the Skunks of Southwestern Delaware State School for the Flatulent.

Whether it is in high school, college or professional, every team has it's rivals. As a fan, it almost becomes your duty to loath the very mention of this rivals' name or the sight of their mascot.

It is not unheard of for some fans to consider ANY season that includes beating the hated rival to be a successful one. Going 1-11 may be perfectly acceptable to certain fan bases if that one victim is that rival. If that victory ruins the others season, so much the better.

Nor is it uncommon to hope your rival loses every game they ever play. Many times, fans will celebrate a rivals' defeat against anyone as much as they will their own teams' victory.

But let's think about this: What does it say about the strength of your own team if its' rival goes '0-fer' every year? Or say, for example, your main adversary has a bunny for a mascot?

My point is that teams are defined by rivalries. If your big game every year is against a top team that itself is annually on a championship chase then it probably reflects well on the quality of your own program.

Stay with me here.

I know it goes against the grain of many fans to believe that ANYTIME your rival wins a game, it is a good thing. But if they lose every game, where is the honor and glory in your team giving them a thorough butt whipping?

You see, if you beat them, everybody says "Well, your were supposed to win." If you lose to them, then it is a case of "Wow, your team REALLY sucks!"

Do you see where I am going with this? It becomes a no-win situation.

A good rivalry demands an opponent worthy of respect and one that will generate a genuine sense of accomplishment when a hard fought victory is attained. This is why it is not a necessarily bad thing anytime your nemesis wins a game. A win over a good team only enhances your own teams' reputation.

Where are the bragging rights if you defeat a team that has an animal mascot that might be found in a petting zoo? Is it possible to brag to anyone about the BIG GAME where you defeated the Chippy Chickadees? Will anybody be impressed that they beat the snot out of the Scrappy Squirrels? I highly doubt it.

No, to qualify as a respectable rivalry, your opponent also should have a quality mascot. A ferocious, tough animal. A warrior or mythical creature. Or, a natural disaster can work just fine.

OK, it may not be your fault that your main rival is the Sisters of Perpetual Pain and Suffering. However, when your mascot is on the sideline putting a beat down on a nun, real or not, it will not reflect well on your school. There is nothing to gloat about.

I should also mention something about what makes a good fight song. I'm no musical expert so maybe I'll just tell you what I believe a fight song should NOT say. Anything with lyrics saying something like "don't hurt yourselves" or "please have mercy on us" probably isn't going to intimidate your opponents. You will be better off not even playing it at your games.

If your team actually happens to be the Skunks of Southwestern Delaware State School for the Flatulent, I was not trying to demean you in any way. I'm sure you are very proud of your school and team. I hope you have a great season. I would like to give you a few common sense tips, though. Don't sit too close to the student section. Don't tease the mascot. And PLEASE don't light a cigarette in an enclosed arena.

Languish Looms Large in Longhorn Land

Billy Ray — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 09:25:24 -0500

Confusion reigns down in Austin. Indecision rules the day. Chaos is king.

The beloved Longhorns have had a fantastic season, finishing 11-1 and tied for the best record in the best conference in football this year, the BIG 12. They have a victory over a No. 1 Oklahoma squad in the Red River Rivalry and victories against two other highly rated teams. They have a Heisman worthy quarterback and a ferocious defense. They have finished a difficult season with no more losses than any school in a BCS conference.

They will not be in the BCS championship game against the winner of the SEC. They did not even make the conference championship game. The Horns had to sit home and watch as two teams they had already beaten played for the conference crown.

The angry mob has gathered. Pitchforks are brandished recklessly. The torches are burning.

But wait...

Where is the monster? Who is to blame?

Do you go after the bitter, hated rivals, the Sooners of Oklahoma who robbed you of your rightful BIG 12 championship and a shot at the BCS crown?

Is your target the evil Microsoft and Apple corporations who are surely responsible for the computer malfunctions that somehow kept you from your destiny?

What about all the voters in the Harris and Coaches polls that were so obviously biased against you. Are they the villains who desperately need to be put down before they strike again?

Maybe it is really your little brothers from Lubbock, the Red Raiders that are to blame for this fiasco. After all, they had the nerve to show up and out play you on their home field.

I think the culprit is the true architect of all things evil in this world. The one being who has spent every moment searching for ways to destroy the human spirit and all belief in a Higher Power.

No, I'm not talking about Satan. He seems busy enough elsewhere.

Of course it has to be...Dr. Evil!! (Just one calorie, not evil enough!)

Who else but this diabolical demon of dementia could cause such havoc in the Land of Bevo? This whole situation just reeks if Dr. Evils' ingenious influence.

Phase One of his evil plan.

Build up the Longhorn faithfuls' hopes in a season where no one really knew what to expect. Do this by having them win three games in a row against highly rated teams including the annual game in Dallas with the No. 1 ranked OU Sooners and their own Heisman hopeful QB.

Rocket them up to the top spot in the rankings. Put the playmaking quarterback at the top of all the Heisman lists. Have everybody in America talking about what an unstoppable machine Austin has produced.

The Texas nation was now thinking BCS national championship and Heisman Trophy in the same year. Backs were being slapped and the cases of wine and cheese had been ordered. Life was grand. It was GOOD to be TEXAS!

But wait, this was just the beginning.

Phase Two of his evil plan:

Now the Longhorns, soaring high like a bovine Pegasus, sweep in to West Texas to formally administer their annual little brother beat down to the Red Raiders of Texas Tech. This Lubbock town has been the victim of more pummellings at the hands of big brother than Joe Pesci in Raging Bull.

Sure, Tech had won some of these games over the years but usually against below par Longhorn teams. Not with so much at stake.

Only this wasn't the same old Red Raiders. They were undefeated themselves and owners of the nation longest winning streak. They boasted two Heisman Trophy hopefuls on a high scoring offense and an underrated defense. Nobody gave them the copy of the script written in Austin.

The Red Raiders proceeded to out-muscle and out-hustle their big brothers for the majority of the game. If not for some missed chip shot field goals and a busted defensive assignment on a long bomb that gave the Longhorns new life late in the game, they probably should have won this game rather handily.

However, because of these miscues, Texas was in a position for some late game heroics. Their Heisman leading QB led them downfield on a masterful drive that culminated in what SHOULD have been the winning TD with less than 90 seconds to go on the clock.

Order was restored and the date with destiny had been confirmed.

Only, nobody told Tech they weren't supposed to win. They had the nerve to march back down the field on their big brothers. They didn't fold up and slink away even after a sure interception dropped through a Texas defenders arms.

Instead they threw a winning TD pass with one second left on the clock.

See how the insidious Dr. works?

Phase Three of his evil plan:

To the conspicuous consternation of the Longhorn nation, they were now reduced to hoping for the unthinkable. They had been reduced to pulling for their dreaded rivals, the Sooners of Oklahoma, to win their final two games of the season.

This unheard of turn of events became Texas' only hope for a successful conclusion to their own season. Here is why:

1) Texas, with only one loss, was behind the Red Raiders now in league play. To get to the championship game, TTech had to lose a game.

2) Since Texas would lose a head-to-head tie with the undefeated Red Raiders, they would need them to lose at least two games (highly unlikely) or end up in a three way tie with another team involved.

3) Oklahoma also had only one loss (to Texas) and played the Red Raiders in Norman in two weeks. Oklahoma had only lost two home games in 10 years under Coach Bob Stoops. Statistically, the Red Raiders had less than a 4% chance of winning.

4) Oklahoma had to not only beat the now second ranked Red Raiders but also a highly ranked in-state rival, the Oklahoma State Cowboys in Stillwater to maintain the three-way tie. These same Cowboys had gone to Austin and given the Longhorns all they could handle in Austin weeks before in a four point loss.

5) OU needed to win both games but not too convincingly. You see, Texas had to hope to be ranked ahead of both the Sooners and Red Raiders in the BCS polls at the end of the season to win the fifth BIG 12 tie-breaker and represent the South division in the championship game. Texas had to pull for tight and/or ugly OU wins to end the season.

Oklahoma did their part by winning both games BUT they beat the Red Raiders by 42 and the Cowboys by 20. OU had scored over 60 points in four straight games and had left a good impression on the pollsters. Combined with their two out-of conference victories over teams ranked in the top 15, they were looking very strong. In a three-way tie, OU had the better shot of finishing ranked the highest of the three teams.

This was not good for the Longhorns. Not good at all.

But wait, maybe they could turn the rout of TTech in Norman to their advantage.

Somebody came up with the crazy idea that this was not a three way debate but a simple head-to-head one of Texas vs. OU. The media ran with it. Texas rented a plane.

The idea was that even though TTech had beaten Texas and all three teams had finished with identical 11-1 records, the Red Raiders should not even be included in the discussion because Oklahoma had beaten them too badly.

Huh? Because the team that beat you got their clocked cleaned by a team you beat, this proves you are the best team? What kind of circular logic is that? I may not be an expert in semantics but even I know this just makes no sense.

Can you see Dr. Evils' hand at work here? Who else could come up with such an intricate and exasperating plan?

He even got the Longhorns fans believing they still had hope in the form of a good QB from the state of Texas playing against the Sooners in the BIG 12 championship in what was practically a home game. If everything fell together just right, the voters could still put them in position to play in the BCS title game.

Well, that didn't happen. That QB and his team got throttled and OU put up 60 points for an NCAA record fifth straight game.

That leads us back to Texas needing OU to win again.

Texas could possibly still claim a share of a split national championship with an AP title. But guess what, only if OU wins again in a close and/or ugly game against Florida in the BCS championship. So true Texas fans should be pulling for OU to win against Florida and hope the AP voters go back to the head-to-head argument when casting a vote afterwards.

Texas pulling for OU to win the national championship game?

OUCH!!!

That has got to hurt!

Can't you hear Dr. Evil, with his pinky to his mouth, stroking Mr. Bigglesworth and laughing in his moon base?

I don't know what to tell those of you in Longhorn Land. I don't see Austin Powers around anywhere.

Maybe if you just send him the 100 Billion Dollars, Dr. Evil might be willing to use his time machine to take you back to the TTech game and the next to last play.

Who Will Play For The Big 12 Championship? An argument for Oklahoma

Billy Ray — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 18:29:14 -0500

Before I start, I must give you all a disclaimer that I am an OU Sooners' fan. Not just a casual fan but a big-time, wear the gear, keep up on stats, borderline obnoxious type fan.

That being said, three teams from the BIG 12's South division are all ranked in the top eight of the country. I believe there are strong cases that can be made for all three teams who have now tied for the Big 12 South division title. All three have finished with identical 11-1 records. Their only losses have come against each other. A head-to-head argument does not hold water in this situation.

If Oklahoma plays for the title, Texas could say "We beat them on a neutral field and the team they are playing for the championship (Missouri)!"

If Texas plays for the title, Texas Tech can say "We beat them in a game we should have probably won without a last minute TD and we finished with the same record!"

If Texas Tech somehow moves to the front and plays for the title, Oklahoma can argue "We beat them by 44 points in game that wasn't as close as the final score!"

First, Texas defeated Oklahoma in Dallas, 45-35. Next, Texas Tech defeated Texas with a last minute TD in Lubbock, 39-33. After that, Oklahoma defeated Texas Tech in Norman, 65-21.

As we all know by now, this is going to come down to the fifth tiebreaker in the BIG 12, BCS ranking. It is basically left to the whims of the votes from the Coaches Poll, the Harris Poll, and the computer polls.

This is where the fun really starts.

Take the Coaches Poll. Most of these coaches have much more important things to do than pay attention to what other teams may be doing, other than glancing at final scores. Many have clauses in their contracts about bonuses for conference championships, final rankings and bowl berths. This situation leads to not only possibilities of conflicts of interest, but also the majority of these votes being cast by graduate assistant's.

The computer polls? Some computer rankings have a two-oss Ohio State team ranked ahead of a one-loss Penn State team that beat them in Columbus. Texas Tech is ranked higher than an Oklahoma squad that beat them by 44 points.

How is any of this fair? All three teams deserve a chance to play for a championship.

However, since this is the system we have, for better or worse, one of these teams must receive the OK to head to Kansas City to play Big 12 North division winner Missouri for the championship.

Who do you think deserves the nod over the others? No matter who you choose, there will be a lot of people who feel their team is getting the short straw.

I believe it should and will be the Oklahoma Sooners. Out of the three teams vying for the division title, they are the only one to have a quality road victory (over 9-3 OSU in a rivalry game) plus two quality out-of conference victories.

Cincinnatti won the Big East conference and TCU finished 10-2 with one of the top defenses in the country. Both should end the regular season in the top 15. This gives the Sooners four top 20 victories along with wins over 8-4 Nebraska and 7-5 Kansas.

Their only loss was to Texas by 10 points in Dallas in a game they lead by 11 points twice and appeared ready to take over in the second half until middle linebacker and defensive leader Ryan Reynolds left with a season-ending knee injury.

The Sooners boast a QB with 46 TD passes, 51 total and only six INT's. They have two running backs within 50 yards of each going over 1,000 rushing yards for the season to date.

They have scored on 60 out of 64 trips inside the red zone. 56 of these are touchdowns.

They are No. 1 in the nation in scoring at almost 53 points a game.

They have not scored less than 35 points all season and have averaged almost 60 points a game since the Red River Rivalry and have scored over 60 in four straight games.

Their defense is tops in sacks and turnover margin. They rank in the top ten in tackles for loss, third down defense, turnovers gained and turnovers lost.

If they are not the hottest team in college football right now, they are in the top two.

I am not trying to take anything away from either the Longhorns or Red Raiders. They have both had phenomenal seasons. Neither have any reason to hang their heads.

In fact, if we actually had a basketball type playoff post season, it would not surprise me to see all three in the final four.

It is a shame we do not have a playoff. This is the way it is done in most sports and truly the only way to prove who deserves the National Championship the most.

I don't buy the "regular season is the playoffs" argument. A team can mature over the course of the season and actually be the best team without a chance to prove it at the end.

And that is the way I am looking at the whole debate. I believe Oklahoma is the hottest team in the conference and has done enough to claim the spot in the BIG 12 championship game against Missouri.

However, if they do not make it, I realize they should have not taken any chances and just won all their games.

Just like the other two teams should remember in case they are left out in the cold saying "Hey, what about us!".

Who Will Play for the BCS Title?

Billy Ray — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 17:11:24 -0500

Okay, the big games are over. What have we learned from this week's action?

1) We now know Penn State may have a nice team but will NOT play for a last National Championship for Joe Paterno. Everybody outside of the Big 11 region has just breathed a HUGE sigh of relief.

2) USC may have a very good team, but the loss to Oregon State, a watered down PAC 10 schedule and the collective national yawn generated by the victory over Ohio State will relegate the Trojans to yet another Rose Bowl appearance.

3) Undefeated Utah should have lost to TCU, and nobody has even seen Boise State this year, so their collective chances for a berth in the NC game are slim and none and slim just died from anorexia. RIP.

So where does that leave us? Barring some major upsets in the stretch run, we have the contenders whittled down to the winners of the BIG 12 and SEC. By far the two best conferences this year, this is where the championship belongs. Here we go.

SEC

Florida and Alabama in the SEC have locked up positions in the title game. The winner is set to move on to play for another National Championship, which would be an unprecedented third straight for the conference.

Alabama is a very good team that seems to play to their competition. They have found a way to win their games. They are tough on defense and play just well enough on offense to get the job done.

They kind of remind me of Ohio State back in 2002, but with a conference championship game to win to get to the BCS title. That is the problem. They will have to play Florida to get there.

Florida lost at home to a mediocre Ole Miss team but has steamrolled its opponents since. They are playing well on both sides of the ball.

They have come out with an attitude and laid the wood to the competition. They also have this Tebow kid who you may have heard of. Pretty good player. Definitely someone to choose in a pick up game.

Big 12

Here is where it gets interesting. Undefeated Texas Tech currently leads the conferences' South division by way of its victories over Texas and Oklahoma State.

Win out and they only have to win the Big 12 championship game to make the NC game. Oklahoma and Texas are tied for second with one loss each. Texas holds the tie breaker by virtue of their head-to-head win against OU.

However, if the Sooners beat the Red Raiders in Norman where they are 57-2 under Stoops and all three teams win out, that would create a three-way tie for first place.

This would mean Oklahoma would still have to win in Stillwater in the last game of the season against a pretty good OSU team, which is not a given.

Since all would have beaten and lost to one another, a head-to-head tiebreaker would not apply. To determine who would play the North champion in the BIG 12 title game, we would be at the mercy of the polls. The highest ranking in the BCS determines the representative in this scenario.

Right now, Texas Tech is ranked the highest, followed by Texas, then Oklahoma at No. 6. However, since Tech would have lost last to OU, they would almost certainly be left out.

Texas would have the victory over Oklahoma, but OU's strength of schedule would probably get a big boost with the season-ending victories over the Red Raiders and Cowboys.

They also have better non-conference victories over good TCU and Cincinnati teams. Plus, they have the benefit of having lost earlier in the year and the impressive victories since that loss.

It will be a shame that any of these schools would get left out of a shot at the title, but that is the system we have and it ain't going to change any time soon.

So where does this leave us?

My best guess is with Oklahoma against Florida for all the marbles.

Hey, but don't get discouraged if you want a different matchup. I also thought McCain would somehow find a way to win the election. What do I know?