Bleacher Report - Articles by The Sports Comedian

ESPN Fires Man Who Accidentally Puts WNBA Headline On Homepage(Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 10:06:32 -0400

Visitors to ESPN.com were shocked this morning when an editing snafu landed a horrific headline onto the front page of their website. At approximately 6:34 AM, a story appeared about a player from the WNBA's Minnesota Lynx missing the rest of the season. The article was published and available for just anyone to see who came onto the front page.

ESPN began receiving calls at their main offices around 6:37 with irate men screaming about how they had been exposed to a story relating to the WNBA.

"I come to your site because I want sports news," said fan Gerald Perkins. "But I go there this morning, and you assault my eyes and ears with something about the WNBA!

It made me sick inside! That kind of stuff should only be allowed in the wee hours overnight. What if my kids had stumbled upon this website? I don't want them exposed to the WNBA!"

ESPN responded quickly by pulling the article, deleting their entire section on the WNBA, and firing the web editor responsible for the mixup.

Apparently he was trying to publish a story about Women's Volleyball, which is a fan favorite on the site due to the fact they all wear bikinis, and none of them look like giants. But he selected the wrong choice from the drop-down menu, and the WNBA headline snuck in there.

The staffer says he definitely deserved the firing, and appologizes to anyone who took the time to read this horrific headline.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

David Blaine To Try Surviving Entire Season as Detroit Lions Fan (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 10:02:41 -0400

David Blaine, the street magician who is famous for his long term stunts, such as being submerged in water for 30 days or hung above New York for weeks on end, has announced he will begin a new stunt this September. This might be his most treacherous feat yet, and one doctors have advised him not to attempt.

He will try to survive an entire season as a Detroit Lions fan. He has been preparing his body for the constant losing over the summer by watching Washington Nationals games, but nothing can truly prepare you for the horror of watching the real thing.

He has bought a Matthew Stafford jersey, and even set the Lions to his favorite team on his Facebook. He will attempt to stay interested in them for the whole year, despite however bad things may get in the standings.

Doctors warn that being a Lions fan is extremely dangerous, and unhealthy for his psyche. They caution that too much exposure to such an awful franchise could result in permanent damage. But the stuntman is unwavering in his dedication to this new plan. Tune in this Fall to see if he can survive the ordeal.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Lucky No Good Piece Of Sh*t Bastard Impregnates Second Model(Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 09:51:11 -0400

Apparently that lucky son of a bitch Tom Brady has impregnated his second super model with a child, this time his new wife, Gisele Bunchen. The no good bastard says he and his wife are very happy to be expecting their first child. That makes two models down on this prick's quest to make sure all of the offspring of 21st century supermodels belongs to him.

I've been a beatwriter for these Pats for 20 years, and you are the worst quarterback I've ever seen. Do you know how many models I've been with? Do you know how many women I've been with who could even be remotely considered models even in a plus size catalogue? Zero Tom! Zero!

To celebrate the news, the piece of shit is taking his wife down to his winter home in the Bahamas on his twenty million f*cking dollar yacht. The assh*le went so far as to say he is starting his own children's charity which will raise enough money, he hopes, to have a real shot at curing children's cancer. What a d*ck.

Brady says he doesn't know when the baby will be arriving, but says it will probably be before a certain sportswriter's wife goes on a diet or learns how to clean the kitchen. Muscles, millions, talent, fame, and good looks weren't enough for you, were they Brady? You had to go out and tag half of the very Victoria's Secret catalogue I used last night? That's low, you f*cker.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Kobe Bryant Proves He Can Win Championship Without Rick Fox (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:17:39 -0400

Kobe Bryant silenced his critics this past weekend by winning his first NBA Championship without the help of Rick Fox. After being in Fox's shadow for his previous three NBA titles, many critics believed Bryant would never be able to enter into the great player conversation without winning one on his own.

Even when they won three championships back-to-back-to-back from 2000-2002, most of the credit for the wins went to Fox's 7.6 points and 4.3 rebounds per game in those series. Many of the games would have been lost if not for those 7.6 points, especially game four of the 2002 series where they narrowly beat New Jersey, 103.6-103.

Fox has often taunted Bryant for his inability to win without him, from the sets of soap operas and Tyler Perry movies where Fox is now. But now he gives his due to the man who finally proved he could carry a team alone.

"Kobe really proved he had the heart of a lion out there," said Fox. "It was almost as powerful a performance as my upcoming one in Tyler Perry's Heart Of A Lion, where I suffer a horrible car crash and have to get my heart replaced with that of a lion. It's only then that I discover the true meaning of family and religion."

"I mean, I think it's obvious now that Bryant sweats passion. Hopefully when he does work up a sweat, he's already put on my new cologne, Scent Of A Fox. It keeps you smelling fresh when you're facing a tough triple team of foul odor."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Management Fire All Washington Nationals Players, Keep Coaching Staff (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:03:23 -0400

Unhappy with the way the team has performed so far this season, Washington Nationals management fired all their players today in an unprecedented move. They have brought up some kids from double A ball to serve as interim players until they can find suitable replacements.

"Well, we've struggled to a 16-45 record, which is just awful," said GM Frank Geary. "But head coach Manny Acta is one of the best out there, this team just isn't getting the full management potential out of him. So, we just felt it was time to make a change. We're going to eat their salaries and just move in a different direction."

"We like what they do up in Boston," continued Geary. "We're going to see if we can maybe sign that team to replace them down here. We need a big name team to come in and get the fanbase excited, hopefully some new players can motivate this coaching staff better."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

MLB Network to Show NFL Preseason Games to Boost Ratings (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:55:20 -0400

MLB Network today announced a deal with the National Football League to carry 14 preseason games this upcoming August, in an attempt to boost sagging ratings.

"This is an exciting deal for this network," said MLB Network president Rich Yarborough. "To be able to carry the great NFL product on our airwaves, it's quite an honor.

"We think it's going to go well with our new show that we're going to run every evening, Football Tonight. It covers all the latest news over in the NFL, and we think baseball fans are really going to enjoy it. Baseball Tonight has been bumped back to 1:00 AM, but we feel it's still a very important part of our channel's lineup."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Michael Vick Now Available to Any Team Looking for QB Downgrade (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 10:09:45 -0400

Michael Vick was officially released by the Atlanta Falcons today, meaning he is now a free agent. Known for being a great athlete, but not such a stellar passer, it has been wondered where Vick might land.

But, despite these concerns, many teams have expressed interest in the former phenom who has spent the last 2 years in prison on dogfighting charges.

"We've actually been looking for a downgrade at the QB position for quite awhile now," said New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "We have had outstanding quarterback play for far too long.

"It just allows teams to gameplan against our perfect routes and well thrown passes. What we need is a wildcard under center, someone who our opponents will never be able to guess what he's going to do wrong. You can plan how to exploit a weakness, but Vick has so many weaknesses, they'll never be able to plan for them all."

Belichick hopes to bring Vick out for a workout to see if he can still be as bad as he was before he left the league. The coach hopes Vick hasn't been practicing or anything while serving time.

Also hoping to be in the mix for the QB are the Cleveland Browns.

"Wow, the things he can do with dogs," said GM George Kokinis. "As a team symbolized by dogs, we have for too long been quiet lapdogs for the rest of the league. Obviously Vick knows how to whip them into shape and turn them into fighters, and that's just what this team needs.

"He can build some cages next to the locker room, maybe have Braylon Edwards put in there every time he drops a pass during a game. He'll have these guys ready to kill out there on the field, or in a smoky dimly lit basement, wherever there is football to be played."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

NHL Offers to End Debate: Just Let LeBron Be Their Best Player Ever

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 09:57:48 -0400

The NHL has extended an offer to LeBron James to officially declare him the best player in hockey history, if only he will come play for the league and help bring a little of his publicity.

Commissioner Gary Bettman said all this debate about who is better, him or Kobe Bryant, can easily be settled if he just comes to the NHL. He explains there is no Kobe here.

"We are prepared to say he's the best ever," said Bettman. "Gretzky is nobody, Crosby is nobody, LeBron will be the king of the hockey world. We're going to also retire his jersey and number, so that no one else will be able to use it around the league.

"He's also had trouble winning a championship, so we'll even give whatever team he wants to play on this year's Stanley Cup trophy. It's not like Pittsburgh or Detroit needed another one of these anyway. This is a heck of an offer, which I don't feel the NBA can ever match."

The allure of ending the "who's the best" debate, plus a free championship, might be enough to get LeBron to make the move. Both he and his puppet are considering making the move, and Nike is working on a new pair of LeBron skates. Something that would appeal to kids in urban areas and be comfortable enough where they could wear them to school.

LeBron expects to make a decision some time over the offseason. Bettman has already begun an expansion of the NHL Hall Of Fame called the LeBron James Wing.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Man Jailed After Tricking Friends into Watching Soccer

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 09:44:30 -0400

A man is serving jail time tonight after his friends called 911 when they discovered they had been invited over to his apartment to watch soccer. He had invited them over to watch "the game" starting at 8:00, which they assumed would be the thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals.

But after arriving and having some beer and nachos, they were horrified when he turned on the TV to his Soccer Premiere Pass sports package.

It was a contest between two teams from some place called Europe, and the situation got worse from there as the partygoers realized what they were watching on the screen. Many began to scream, an angry man threw a stool at the 56" television, and a woman tried to gauge out her own eyes with a guacamole dip serving spoon.

Someone was smart enough to dial 911 in all the chaos, and police arrived at the scene within minutes. They broke down the door and stormed the apartment, as people ran for safety from the terror inside.

They neutralized the party host with a tazer, and had the bomb squad detonate the cable box that contained the subscription to the Soccer Premiere Pass outside. They hope that will ensure it can never hurt anyone again.

The host is now in jail, awaiting sentencing. He is accused of 14 counts of attempted soccer exhibition, 10 counts of sports party trickery, and one count of manslaughter via guacamole spoon.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Referee Thanks Player for Help Making Game-Deciding Call (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 11:16:08 -0400

It's great when you see good teamwork out there on the basketball floor. Nowhere was it more apparent than during the end to Sunday's regulation time when Courtney Lee missed an alley-oop layup with a chance to win the game.

Referee Tim Bixon was under the basket, ready to whistle a shooting foul, but then he saw Pau Gasol help him out on the call by waving his arms and shouting "No foul!"

"Wow, that guy was just really nice," said Bixon. "He could have not done anything, or even lied. But he helped me make an important call there that ultimately decided the game. What a swell person! I was probably even going to blow that whistle, but luckily he was there to tell me how it really was."

To that fact, Gasol has been training to be a basketball referee in the offseason.

"I've noticed the officiating in this league could really use an overhaul," he said after the game. "They tend to call way too many fouls on me, and not enough when I get touched. That is why I'm learning to just make my own calls out there. I think the league will allow it, as long as I get certified and everything. Why would a certified ref ever lie?"

He has been doing his part this season to make sure the refs know what every call should be, yelling and screaming at them that he did not make contact during every shooting foul called against LA. He also is quick to remind them who last touched the ball when it goes out of bounds, which 94% of the time happens to be the other team, something he says is a known statistic.

They are very appreciative of his help in calling the games, and believe he will be key if the Lakers have any chance of sweeping the Magic in four games this series.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

NBA To Start Boston Celtics In Place of Magic for Game Three (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 11:00:02 -0400

After a poor showing in their first game and failing to deliver in the clutch in their second, the NBA league office has announced it will bench the Orlando Magic for Game Three in favor of the Boston Celtics.

Despite being eliminated by the Magic in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals, they will get the start in hopes of reviving interest and ratings in this series outside of the Orlando market.

The game is still set to be played in Florida, but the Celtics will suit up in their uniforms for the game so that people browsing the channels will actually be able to recognize the team who is playing the Lakers.

Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has said he understands the decision to make a change at this point in the series.

"Look, what we have done has not worked, that's for sure," he said to reporters after hearing the news. "Maybe it's time to put in these other players and see what they can do. I just told the news to our guys, and they are a little sad about it. But, Dwight Howard is really excited to see the Celtics play the Lakers again, it's just such a historic matchup."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

ESPN Score Ticker Takes Job At CNN (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 10:41:16 -0400

The ESPN Sports Score Ticker held a press conference today to announce that it had signed a new deal with CNN to become their new ticker.

This follows the news last week that CNN's longtime ticker would be leaving the business after 22 years to retire to his ranch in Texas.

For fans of the ESPN Ticker, the announcement was bittersweet. They have relied on the ticker for years to give them the sports news they need while pretending to be actually listening to their wives talk about their day.

"I've always wanted to cover serious news," said the ESPN Ticker to his many adoring fans. "This allows me to finally live that dream of scrolling presidential news and information about which American car companies have gone bankrupt today. I'm very excited for this opportunity."

His final day will be this coming Saturday, and he promises an extra special scroll for his last broadcast.

He may go with a sans-serif font, and give some really obscure fantasy baseball statistics for the hardcore ticker fans.

He will be missed all around the country. ESPN has yet to name a replacement.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

LeBron To Play Next Season With Cavaliers In Knicks Uniform (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:30:43 -0400

The Cleveland Cavaliers have unveiled some uniform changes for next season after being knocked out of the playoffs by the Orlando Magic. Starting next year, LeBron James will wear a special uniform for all games, that happens to look exactly like that of the New York Knicks.

"The Knicks and Nike have asked that they be allowed to start marketing him in Knicks gear a year early," said GM Danny Ferry. "In exchange for a nice sum of money, coupled with the fact we all know this move is inevitable, we have allowed this to happen.

"We are a bit concerned about confusion when we actually play the Knicks in a game, but the NBA says they will put extra referees on the court to make sure baskets are attributed to the proper team. League officials have been very helpful in this uniform change, and they told us whatever they needed to do to get LeBron into a major market, they would make happen."

James himself says he is looking at next year as a good tryout of the blue and orange.

"This will be a great way to see if just putting on that uniform will make me as bad as the rest of that franchise has been for the last decade," said James when asked about the new uni. "Plus I don't have to wear that awful red thing anymore, I get royalties from all new jersey sales, and I can stand out better so that my teammates can feed me the ball for 30-40 shots per game. This way, I don't see a reason why I can't take every shot our team attempts next year. It's going to be great, I just love New Yo...I mean Cleveland. It's a great city."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Young Marionette Accuses Kobe Bryant Puppet of Infidelity

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:18:06 -0400

A new report in Sports Illustrated features a young marionette in the Los Angeles area that has come forward to say she may have been involved in an extra-marital affair with the Kobe Bryant puppet over the last year.

The marionette, a 19-year-old dancer at Captain Lucky's Puppet Theater, says she became involved with Bryant after he came to one of her shows and visited her in the backstage area.

She claims that, at times, Bryant was abusive towards her, and says she twice had to go to the emergency room for damage to her strings. She says that the torrid affair included bizarre acts in the bedroom where he would ask her to stick strange things into his puppet hole.

Kobe puppet's wife, the puppet of Lebron James, could not be reached for comment. He did, however, put out a press release through his publicist, saying that he was very ashamed of these allegations, and he could not believe Kobe puppet would do something like this.

He also said it was unbelievable it would happen while they had their adopted son at home, an inquisitive 5-year-old puppet with glasses, whom they adopted after his mother's fatal failed bunyun surgery.

More information on this story is coming out, but for the time being, Kobe puppet has professed his innocence. He says that he will buy whatever puppet jewelry for LeBron he needs to for this to go away.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Detroit Lions Try To Send Daunte Culpepper Down To Minors (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 11:58:26 -0400

The Detroit Lions today announced that veteran quarterback Daunte Culpepper has been designated for minor league assignment today. This leaves the starting job open for the taking by overall No. 1 pick Matthew Stafford. The move is a strange one, considering there is not currently nor has there ever been a minor league system in the NFL.

"What? We don't have a minor league system?" said team president Tom Lewand. "Look, I obviously don't know all that much about football from the results you've seen on the field here. But, when we told Culpepper we were sending him to the minors he just left and went somewhere. We're not sure exactly where he went to, but he's not with our team anymore, and that's the important thing."

Indeed, Culpepper's whereabouts are currently unknown. Authorities have begun searching small towns in the Detroit area in an attempt to find him, as they believe he could be wandering the streets looking for a minor league franchise. They believe they will find him in no time, they just have to follow the interceptions.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

David Ortiz Hits Rare Complete Game

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 10:48:04 -0400

It was a magical sight today at Fenway Park, as David Ortiz put on a masterful display of guts and fortitude to hit a complete game shutout for the Boston Red Sox.

After getting off to the worst start of his career in which he has compiled a sub .200 average and only one home run, Ortiz has been rarely been seen to start or make it through an entire game without getting pulled for a sub.

"While pitching a complete game is much more celebrated, today's accomplishment by David, I think, was much more challenging," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona.

"Have you seen how big this guy is and how awful he swings the bat lately? I'm surprised he can make it through an entire game sitting on the bench! I mean, hitting a complete game only happens eight, maybe nine times per game if it's the American League. Today we saw something special out there."

Ortiz went 0-for-4 at the plate with three strikeouts and no walks. It looked like he might be in trouble in the eighth inning, as Francona came out to first base to make sure he could continue. But Big Papi told him he had one more strikeout left in him. Sure enough, in the ninth inning, with two men on and a chance to tie the game, Ortiz delivered a big whiff at an 0-2 curveball to end the game and complete his night.

The crowd gave a thunderous standing ovation to the slugger for the effort.

"Wow, that guy is all heart isn't he?" said fan Derek Chan. "He's certainly not got any skill or ability anymore, but he's got a lot of heart..."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Colorado Rockies No. 1 In Denver Columnist's MLB Power Rankings

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 10:11:43 -0400

Woody Paige unveiled this week's MLB Power Rankings in the Denver Post, and not surprisingly, the Colorado Rockies were again in the No. 1 spot. Despite having the second-worst record in all of Major League Baseball, they have remained consistently on top of his rankings for the entirety of the season.

"This team is showing a lot of determination this season," said Paige in the article. "Even during their three-game sweep last weekend at home, they proved that they won't let blowouts phase them. After losing to the Dodgers in those games by a combined score of 38-13, you'd think they get blown out again by the next team they faced. But no, they only ended up losing by four the next day. That's mental toughness, and that's why this team is the best!"

Paige has moved those same division leading Dodgers to the bottom of his rankings, right under the 13-36 Washington Nationals, citing that LA is "all about scoring runs and pitching well. That's not all baseball is about, there are also the fundamentals."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

WNBA Give Getting People To Know Their Teams, Just Go with Ads

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 10:00:06 -0400

The WNBA announced today that they are going to stop trying to get people to remember the names of their franchises, and just go with putting advertisements on the jerseys instead. The Phoenix Mercury are the first team to institute the change, as they will just have the logo of identity theft company Lifelock on the front from now on.

With the fact that the franchises move cities so often, coupled with the fact that they play in the WNBA, people often don't even know what city or team name they are watching anyway.

Some other team changes are the Detroit Shock as the Summer's Eve Douches, the Los Angeles Sparks as The Pep Boys, and the Washington Mystics now known as just The McRibb.

Discuss this article in the Forum!

SportsComedian.com

Celtics Score 21 Points During Halftime To Take Lead Over Magic (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 12 May 2009 09:55:31 -0400

The Boston Celtics found themselves trailing by 18 points at the half of their most recent game against the Orlando Magic in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. But not to let the Magic claim a 3-1 lead in the series, the Celtics stayed on the court during halftime as Orlando headed to the locker room.

As a result, the Celts dominated halftime, scoring 21 unanswered points and taking a three-point lead as the game resumed. The Orlando crowd booed heavily as they scored bucket after bucket without opposition and watched the Magic lead slip away.

"Well, I thought about taking them into the locker room and giving them an inspirational speech to get back into this thing," said head coach Doc Rivers. "But I said, maybe staying out here will be the best way to do that instead. Sure enough, it worked and we were able to come from behind and get a victory because of it."

The Magic said they will focus on their halftime play before the next game in Boston.

"Halftime has been our worst period for scoring this whole season," said Dwight Howard. "This still seems like cheating to me, but I guess we should have stayed out there on the court when we saw them continue playing even after the buzzer."

Big Baby Davis says he is confident his team can take down any other at the half.

"Look, do whatever you want in that locker room," he said. "Drink some Gatorade, say a prayer, get taped up. We'll be out here on the court dunking on your ass."

Discuss this article in the Forum!SportsComedian.com

Media Still Has Interest in Signing Brett Favre for Offseason (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 12 May 2009 09:47:55 -0400

Sports media outlets were abuzz last week at the prospect of a meeting between Brett Favre and high ranking Vikings officials. But, the meeting never happened, as Favre stayed home in Mississippi, and the future hall of fame QB remained unsigned.

However, the media are still hopeful they have a chance at signing Brett for an offseason of headlines and speculation.

"We've had some conversations with him, and it sounds like he isn't ready to just retire from sports talk radio and the lead story on SportsCenter just yet," said anchor Mike Greenberg.

"Every time he turns on the TV, and we aren't talking about Favre unretiring, he gets that itch to come on back. We believe we'll still be able to sign him for an entire offseason of speculation and debate."

Radio hosts say Favre's headlines will be able to start right away once he gives them the word. They say they have nothing else to talk about right now, as they aren't about to devote entire shows to NBA playoff talk.

Any taste of the NFL and they'll take it. Favre has yet to make a decision, but he says he feels he has several more months of quality headlines left in him. There are still 29 teams he hasn't considered unretiring to yet.

Discuss this article in the Forum!

SportsComedian.com

Jason Bay: New Red Sox Outfielder's Antics Just Bay Being Bay(Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 12 May 2009 09:39:10 -0400

When Jason Bay took over for Manny Ramirez in left field for the Boston Red Sox last season, he knew he'd have some big shoes to fill.

For many years, Manny's crazy behavior had been the subject of much debate. But, his hitting had always made up for his eccentricities. Many fans wondered if Bay would be able to live up these expectations.

So far this season he has delivered in the cleanup role for Boston, hitting .324 with 9 homers and 34 RBIs. But Bay hasn't been without a strange personality of his own, one the Boston faithful are having to adjust to like the man before.

"Jason has done some very strange things so far," said longtime fan Jim Creely. "Yesterday he hits a homerun, and then just drops his bat and goes to first base. He didn't stand there and watch it for 10 seconds, point at the pitcher, or even thump his chest! That's not how left fielders act here in Boston! But, that's just Bay being Bay! He's so crazy, but you've got to just accept it because he's such a great hitter."

Jim also questioned Jason's catching of a fly ball and then simply throwing it back to the infield. His son wanted to know why Bay didn't high five a fan, do a spin, or throw off his hat before catching the ball. He had to explain that Bay was just an eccentric sports personality, and that his son should never behave like that on the field.

That's just Bay being Bay...

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Horses Continue To Rub Being Faster Than Humans in Our Face (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 05 May 2009 09:40:30 -0400

Horses all around the country once again held their annual celebration of being faster than humans at the Kentucky Derby on Sunday. The event, which many humans consider to be an insulting party thrown by the equines, proved once again that they are indeed the better species at running around a dirt track.

"These bastards just can't help rubbing it in our faces that they are the better species," said longtime human Marshall Gilbert.

"We are so much faster than you, we can digest grass and hay, and hooves are so much better than feet. I'm tired of hearing about it. It's bad enough they are taking all our jobs, they don't have to do something like this to relish their dominance every year."

Indeed, the horseism has spread all over the country in these tough economic times. After American car companies laid off a large portion of their workers over the past decade in favor of horse laborers, many speculate that it led to a direct decline in the quality of their products.

One horse spokesman said "In no way would we be deliberately sabotaging the quality of a product that itself made horses obsolete over 100 years ago...No...We would never do something like that..."

Over 140,000 people attended this year's 135rd Kentucky Derby, to watch and appease the race that may one day be our animal overlords. As is tradition, each horse participating in the race strapped a small puny human to his back, as proof that they could not possibly complete the course on their own feet.

"Look, I think we all know Americans are probably ready now to elect a horse as President," said Gilbert. "Once that happens, we're going to see a lot of anti-human laws go into effect. So, we better just start sucking up to them now."

Discuss this article in the Forum!

SportsComedian.com

Cowboys Suffer Startling Non-Metaphorical Collapse (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 05 May 2009 09:24:32 -0400

The Dallas Cowboys were stunned over the weekend as their practice facility in Texas collapsed during a rainstorm, injuring several people and frightening everyone inside. The team is unsure how to deal with the disaster, as they are usually only accustomed to metaphorical collapses during the season and postseason, despite having superior talent.

"I don't know how to deal with this man," said quarterback Tony Romo. "People actually hurt by falling debris...usually it's just people who have our players on their fantasy teams who suffer.

"This is rough. I want to give out my condolences to those injured in the collapse. I promise you that this will be nothing compared to the kind of letdowns we have planned for the upcoming season. People think we are going to be better because we got rid of all our trouble makers, but we'll show them they haven't seen anything yet."

Jerry Jones issued a statement to the families of those affected by the tragedy, saying he only tries to build teams that are made to collapse, not buildings.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

SI's Selena Roberts Nearly Out of Scandals To Accuse A-Rod of (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 05 May 2009 09:14:55 -0400

Despite her tell-all book on Alex Rodriguez coming out this week, Sports Illustrated's Selena Roberts may soon find herself out of a job. In her new book, she reveals brand new scandals about A-Rod that have the entire sports world talking, such as high-school steroids and pitch-tipping.

But her editors reveal that she may be out of good A-Rod stories to tell. Sources inside SI reveal that her latest pieces, A-Rod Has Alien Baby With Queen Of Marxuus 11 and Rodriquez Ate Cal Ripken To Absorb His Shortstop Power are a bit of a stretch, even for them.

"I am still a great sportswriter, and I will prove to these doubters that there are still scandals out there I have no yet accused him of," fired back Roberts. "I spent all day going through books about baseball cheating, and I think I've found a few more of these I can get to stick on him. If you thought steroids were wild, wait until you hear about his spitballs when he turns a double play."

Her editors then suggested to Roberts that maybe she try to write about something other than A-Rod, but her response was "I don't understand what that means..."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Assigning Arbitrary Letters To Team's NFL Draft Choices: Part I

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 09:33:19 -0400

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

Arizona Cardinals: They managed to pick up LaRod Stephens-Howling in round seven, and they got an athlete who can immediately compete with Maurice Jones-Drew for best hyphenated name in league. The Raiders pick of Darrius Heyward-Bey at number seven was too high for such an untested hyphen.
H For Hyphenation Domination

Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!

Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
I For It Must Be The Picks

Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class

Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!

Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
G For Goodbye Grossman

Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team

Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
P For Picking Scares Me

Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup

Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
B For Brandstater To The Rescue

Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team

Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool

Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
T For Tight End City, Texas

Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.

Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
H For Hide The Food

Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
P For Punts Are What It's All About

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Cowboys Draft New Team Captain To Improve Coin Toss Performance (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 09:17:31 -0400

The Dallas Cowboys took Texas A&M's Stephen McGee in the fourth round of this year's NFL Draft in order to shore up the weakest part of their game last year: the coin toss.

Last year, the Cowboys ranked dead last in coin toss calls, with their record standing at 0-8.

They started the year with Tony Romo as team captain, but his heavily tails-favoring coin calls led to the other team choosing which side they wanted each and every game.

They made a switch late in the season to Jason Witten, but he fared no better.

The coaching staff made coin tosses the focus of voluntary minicamps this offseason, with an entire week spent on practicing flipping coins in the air, making sure they know how to say both "heads" and "tails", and learning the history of minted coins in general.

But the Cowboys management decided it was time to go in a new direction at the position of team captain and drafted McGee, a tough coin-guesser from the Big 12 Conference.

Mel Kiper said McGee is a bold leader who takes charge during a coin toss and makes sure there is no doubt about which side he is picking. He is expected to come in and start right away, and could make a huge impact for these Cowboys' chances of deferring kickoffs.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

NASCAR Race Almost Has Totally Rad Fatal Accident (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 09:08:47 -0400

The NASCAR event Sunday at Talladega ended in dramatic fashion as Carl Edwards' car flipped into the air after making contact on the final lap. The crowd and viewers at home roared as the wreck began, as they had waited all day to see something exciting like this happen, but were saddened as the car only bounced into the protective fence and back onto the track.

"Man, this wreck could have been so cool," said one fan watching at home. "A whole car almost made it into the stands where it could have smashed a bunch of people, and made the whole boring race worth watching. But no, only a little debris made it up there and hit an old lady. I saw the slow motion on the hit, and her head didn't explode or anything. I heard she has a concussion, but that certainly isn't very exciting..."

NASCAR apologized to fans for having a defective fence around the track.

"We designed this thing to give way so that we can have maximum awesomeness when a car comes off the track," said Talladega president Ron Gardner. "Something is obviously wrong here because this thing held. We had fans in that front row that paid big money for the chance to get crushed by a ton of steel, and they were let down today. We're going to work on guaranteeing possible death in the future, as it should be."

Discuss this article in the Forum!

SportsComedian.com

What Exactly Does Mel Kiper Do the Day Before the NFL Draft?

The Sports Comedian — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:50:02 -0400

Tomorrow's a big day for football fans: the NFL draft offers fans the rare chance to act like they're watching real NFL action during the spring. We've been through weeks of mock drafts now, but we only know two things for certain: the Bengals will blow their first pick and ESPN's Mel Kiper, Jr. will be there every step of the way.

Tomorrow's Kiper's Christmas, and he knows Santa's going to be generous with the mousse. Kiper's been studying game film for months, and now he's ready to dissect every player and every pick over the course of the two-day draft. Will his blustery rhetoric be accurate? Who knows? The beauty of Mel Kiper is that he doesn't need to be right as long as he's loud.

When your entire existence revolves around one weekend a year, though, how do you prepare for it? What does Kiper do to get in the zone the day before the draft? Luckily, after years of in-depth study, millions in payments to private investigators, and several restraining orders, we can finally reveal exactly how Mel Kiper, Jr. spends his NFL Draft Eve:

5:45 AM- Wake up. Polish his fake glasses, which are worn when on-camera to convince people he spends all his time reading up on and scouting players, instead of just looking up their scouting reports on the internet.
6:11 AM- Make sure strap is secure on hair helmet, both for looks and safety in case there is an accident riding his bike to ESPN headquarters.
8:38 AM- Head into the ESPN offices. Get three gallon-sized tubs of hair gel from Costco on the way, hope they last until at least lunch.
10:19 AM- Arrive at offices. Look at pictures of spread eagle draft prospects spinning slowly and touch random buttons on the screen in a holographic analysis chamber.
11:47 AM- Secretly add his small daily dose of untraceable poison to the bagged lunch of Todd McShay.
1:15 PM- Tape appearances on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN 3D, ESPNU, ESPN News, ESPN With Lime, ESPN Deportes, ESPN Classic, and ESPN For Kids to further talk about how Mark Sanchez is moving up everyone's draft boards and has impressed in workouts for the 30th day in a row.
2:17 PM- Throw darts at freshly minted headshot of McShay.
3:31 PM- Sneak into closed ESPN archives to destroy all evidence of him hyping up Akili Smith, JaMarcus Russell, and receiver Mike Williams.
4:26 PM- Go to psychiatrist to explore the real reasons why he never moved on from analyzing college players to the NFL.
5:40 PM- Collect earnings made from major investments in hair product companies the week before he went on ESPN for the first time.
7:55 PM- Make further preparations on cave under house, for next week's hibernation he will go into until emerging in March 2010.
8:09 PM- Hit on ladies at a local bar, making constant references to his world renowned “big board."
9:00 PM- Spend 30 minutes in disbelief that McShay feels Jeremy Maclin will be drafted higher than Michael Crabtree. "He is NOT my protoge."
9:33 PM- Return home after knowledge of college football players fails to impress any women, and use scouting tapes of games to do some in-depth “scouting” of the cheerleaders on the sidelines. The holographic analysis chamber may be used for this.
10:59 PM- Go to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow he will be the biggest star in the sports universe, for one magical moment eclipsing all those other ESPN anchors like Stuart Scott and Chris Berman who chose to cover fields of sports that are of use for more than just two days per year.

Mets Write Polite Letter to Marlins Reminding Them to Lose (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 10:24:03 -0400

A letter from the New York Mets was delivered today to the Florida Marlins club offices in Miami. It was written by Mets manager Jerry Manuel, on behalf of his team. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria gathered his club together in the locker room so that he could read the heartfelt letter to them. It read as follows:

Dear Florida Marlins,

I am writing you on behalf of my players here who you have painfully embarrassed through the first three weeks of the season. Do you guys like being mean? Is that it? You have no payroll and no big stars, yet you are out here knocking down my innocent players into fourth place? This is supposed to be where you guys are right now, and you're making us all look bad.

My poor guys don't know what to do with themselves. David Wright made eight million dollars this year, but he has nothing to celebrate with that money! Jose Reyes was so sad after you guys beat us last week, he went out and just started buying expensive foreign sports cars. He's running out of room in his eight garages, for Pete's sake! You guys have to put a stop to this.

Just do the right thing here. We play you all next week, and at many times during the game, our awful starting pitching, not named Johan Santana, is going to throw you a horrible hanging pitch that you will be tempted to drive out of the ballpark. Please, just don't. For the sake of these poor boys in New York.

They are up here suffering, eating out every night at fancy steakhouses, partying with movie stars. They don't get to live your crazy lifestyle of deathly hot weather, retirees everywhere, and a fanbase that doesn't give a crap. They can only dream of such a place. So please, throw them a bone. Do what's in the best interest of everyone and just lose from now on.

Sincerely, Jerry Manuel

The letter brought a tear to the eyes of some Marlins players, who did not realize the plight of their fellow men in New York. They dedicated their sweep by the Pirates to the Mets. They said it was very hard to lose to such a bad team three times, but they wanted to make sure the Mets had a chance to at least get a little closer in the standings.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Derrick Rose Has Awkward Coming Out Party In Playoffs (Satire)

The Sports Comedian — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 10:05:29 -0400

Like the Arizona Cardinals Larry Fitzgerald in this year's NFL playoffs, Derrick Rose is having a coming out party of his own so far in round one of the NBA playoffs. The Chicago Bulls point guard made his playoff debut a big one, scoring 36 points and adding 11 assists in their opening win over the Celtics.

But it was not until after the game when being interviewed by a locker room reporter that things got awkward. When asked how he felt about having such a big coming out party in his first game he replied with an answer that shocked everyone.

"It feels great, now that the whole world knows I'm gay!" Rose shouted, making everyone in the locker room stop and stare.

"What do you mean you're gay? That really wasn't what I meant..." continued the reporter.

"I'm gay, I'm so gay!" he replied. "You know that gay sex thing you always are hearing about with the p*nises and the b*tts and the whole deal? I love that stuff! It just feels so good to come out and say it, get it off my chest. You're so right! And you're throwing me a party for it? I hope there's a cake, and I hope it's shaped like the part of a man I love to eat in my bedroom as well...

"I've had to load up all this rap music on my iPod here just to fit in, but I really only listen to the Streisand and Cher I put on this thing. It just gets me charged up to get out there and commit a hard charging foul on another man!"

"Is there anything else you've been secretly wanting to tell the world, Mr. Rose?" asked the reported.

"Yes...There's something I've wanted to say since I first got here in Chicago..." began Derrick. "I want to redecorate this locker room! Makeover! The colors and furniture in here is so passe! And I want to put a nice set of drapes with a floral pattern on my locker, that would make it really pop. I've been wanting to tell everyone this all my life, but I never had the courage to just come out and do it. Thank you for the inspiration!"

"I...uh...actually didn't mean that kind of coming out party..." answered the reported.

"Huh...oh...well then...sh*t..." Rose hung his head and silently went to the showers, where everyone else on the team quickly fled.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!