Bleacher Report - Articles by Dracula's Buttocks has teeth

Fedor Emelianko: The Sissy Who Fears The UFC

Dracula's Buttocks has teeth — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 15:38:23 -0400

What could possibly be the reason why Fedor Emelianenko doesn't want to fight in the UFC?

It isn't about money. He could have signed a contract with the UFC and wound up a hell of a lot richer than he did with Strikeforce (or Strikefarce, as it should probably be referred to).

It isn't about prestige. Signing with Strikeforce (essentially, the minor leagues of Mixed Martial Arts), in many ways, tarnishes his reputation and prevents him from being widely recognized as one of the worlds top heavyweight fighters.

So then what could his reasoning possibly be?

Here is the REAL reason: Fedor Emelianko FEARS the competition in the UFC (specifically Brock Lesnar) and will do anything he possibly can to maintain the undeserved image he has of being one of the top heavyweights in the world.

Dana White knows the real deal when it comes to Fedor and has made it publicly known on several occasions exactly what a fraud Fedor really is.

White has openly ridiculed Fedor, questioning his fighting ability, world ranking and his quality of opponents. White even went as far as to say that Fedor "sucks" and that "Fedor isn't even a top-five ranked heavyweight, or even a top pound-for-pound fighter."

Check out this link to see Dana White's latest comments on Fedor Emelianko:

http://www.mmanews.com/ufc/Video:-Dana-White-Blasts-Fedor-Unkind-Words-For-Strikeforce.html

The bottom line is this: Fedor Emelianko has all the appearance of a chicken-sh*t coward who seems so afraid of failure that he refuses to accept the challenge of facing the best fighters in the world in the UFC.

I believe that he's deathly afraid that he will become the next Mirko Cro Cop (another overrated pile of junk who was once hailed as "superhuman") and get his head kicked in (see Gabriel Gonzaga) and totally embarrassed in front of a huge international audience. He won't have to worry about that at Strikefarce main events where he will be viewed by a handful of slobs who will see him fight a variety of 2nd and 3rd tier fighters (aka Bums) that are posing as legitimate contenders in a bush league organization.

Fedor Emelianko is nothing more than a paper tiger who wants to maintain his pseudo image of "invincibility" at all costs, even if it means ducking the best fighters in the world in the UFC and looking like a stone cold coward to MMA insiders and most of the more knowledgeable fight fans.

Fedor should probably just put on a wig, some lipstick and a dress and hang out in a popular nightclub like the "chick" that he / she is. He'll probably get more action that way then he will get fighting for an outfit like Strikefarce.

New York Rag Wins A-Rod Naming Contest

Dracula's Buttocks has teeth — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:22:00 -0500

I don't usually make a habit of writing articles praising sleazy right-wing rag publications, but I guess that there's a first time for everything.

The New York Post, Rupert Murdoch's very own Republican propaganda slime-machine is actually good for something (other than protection for my wood floors when I oil-paint) after all.

The other day on Bleacher Report I noticed an article that was somewhat of a contest to come up with a new name for the recently disgraced Alex Rodriguez. I think the names that were discussed were: A-Fraud, A-Roid, A-Cheat, Gay-Rod and several others that seem to escape me at the moment.

Well, this morning a friend of mine called me on the telephone and told me that the front page headline of the Post was titled: A-Hole.

Upon hearing this news, I felt compelled to immediately go down to the newspaper machine outside of my building and take a gander at this too-good-to-be-true news I had just received from my giggling buddy.

My eyes did not deceive me. Yes, it was indeed true. The front page of a major newspaper (although, admittedly, a morally bereft one) had indeed plastered Alex Rodriguez's face on their front page and officially knighted him an A-Hole for all the world to see.

I was actually somewhat jealous that a crude and usually dull-witted bunch of neo-conservative tabloid propagandists could actually come up with a better name for this terminal jackass then I could (I suggested A-Fool at the time), but nevertheless, I had to give credit where credit was due.

I have kind of made a pact with myself over the years never to actually give a dime of my money to any publication that a scuzz-bucket like Rupert Murdoch prints, but in this case I begrudgingly put my fifty cents into the machine to get my fresh copy of A-Rod's public flogging by printing press.

On a side note, the machine was full of newspapers, and given my tendency for subversion (my true favorite pastime)...well, I guess you can figure out the rest. Needless to say, I've got a bunch of friends and relatives who will also be getting a kick out of A-Rod's misfortune without having to contribute a penny to a rotten subsidiary of News Corp (the real Evil Empire).

Call it intuition, but somehow I think that this name is gonna stick. A-Hole.

I can see it now. Thirty years from now our grandchildren will be referring to Alex Rodriguez as A-Hole and won't exactly even remember what his birth name really was. They'll be asking their parents and grandparents "What was A-Hole's real name? It wasn't really A-Hole, was it?" The adults will reply "Yes dear, that was his real name, but it's not really a nice thing to say out loud." The child's curiosity will be satisfied...and the legend will live on.

By the end of Alex Rodriguez's career he will probably have hit over 800 home runs and be Major League Baseball's all-time home run leader and all he will be remembered for is his amazing name: A-Hole.

I could go into a whole book-long spiel about how the NY Yankees are the underlying cause of this hysterically surreal incident because they are bad people who attract all the negative energy in the universe, and how they paid more money than any team in the history of baseball to obtain a psychologically and emotionally damaged player named A-Hole...but we all seem to know that already. Plus, I'll probably just repeat it all summer long anyway, for those of you who still get your jollies following me around from thread to thread with burning hatred in your eyes.

Jealousy often seems to be a great motivator for trying to bring down those who have risen to the top of their professions, but I wonder how many people would really want to trade places with A-Hole right now?

He does have all the money one could conceivably spend in a life time, but it might be a bit tricky trying to spend it if every time he goes out in public places people will be pointing their fingers at him laughing and calling him A-Hole.

It's only been three days since the story of his steroid abuse broke, and I've already come across one guy who claims that he is going to spit at him if he ever sees him in the street. And the guy that I'm referring to lives in the Bronx, which is supposedly A-Hole's home turf. Yeah, it's gonna' get ugly out there A-Hole.

Anyway, that's about it. Stand back and gaze in wonder at the face of the embodiment of bad karma. Mr. Choker himself in all his glorious shame: A-Hole.

On a side note, that may or may not be of interest, page three of the NY Post also had a photo of A-Hole's supposed girlfriend Madonna (it even hurts just to type that name) making out with some 22-year-old new boy toy on a bed.

Wow, A-Hole, I guess when it rains, it really does pour.

And for all you A-Hole true believers still out there, don't hate the messenger (that would be me), hate the message. Yes, I'm copping out on this one and asking you to direct your inevitable wrath towards that illegitimate rag of a newspaper we all know and hate, the New York Post, because there is always more than just one A-Hole around that we can collectively jeer.

Roger Clemens Is a National Embarrassment

Dracula's Buttocks has teeth — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:58:45 -0500

Roger Clemens has publicly claimed that he never used performance-enhancing drugs. Not too many people actually believe him, but an egomaniac like Clemens never did really care too much about anything negative that anyone might think about him.

Well, this time Clemens might genuinely care. Why? Because his freedom might just depend upon it.

Clemens has already been found guilty in the court of public opinion for steroid usage. However, the issue at hand is not whether he took performance-enhancing drugs, but whether or not he lied under oath before Congress.

Congress has asked the Justice Department to look into whether or not the publicly disgraced Clemens should be indicted on federal charges of lying under oath to them. The Justice Department has brought the case to a grand jury, and the investigative proceedings are currently being led by U.S. Attorney Daniel P. Butler.

Clemens' lead lawyer, and everyone's favorite snake-oil salesman, Rusty Hardin brushed off the news of the ongoing investigation by minimizing it as "standard operating procedure for a prosecutor." Could any other remarks have been expected from the lawyer who comically resembles more of a "good ol' boy" caricature than Yosemite Sam? Not likely.

The possibilities of Clemens facing actual jail time, should there be an indictment and subsequent conviction, is quite real, considering that Olympic sprinter Marion Jones, in a far less publicized case, received six months in prison for the same charge of lying under oath about steroid use.

Clemens filed a civil defamation lawsuit against Brian McNamee that is currently pending, which in and of itself is a comical situation that is somewhat reminiscent of O.J. Simpson's outrage and subsequent quest to find his "wife's killers."

Like O.J. Simpson, Roger Clemens has all the appearance of an unrepentant bold-faced liar, and I'm sure that most people following this case will undoubtedly be hoping that he gets hit with an indictment, followed by a conviction and a significant amount of jail time that would perhaps teach this coward the lesson that he never learned on the baseball diamond where he arrogantly swaggered for years.

According to a USA Today poll, only 31 percent of the American people currently believe that Roger Clemens is telling the truth, and that number appears to be rapidly declining as time passes. These are practically George W. Bush Presidential approval ratings.

With that in mind, Clemens had better hope that this case never gets to a Grand Jury, because the deck already seems to be stacked heavily against his chances of acquittal.

Clemens, once a sure-fire first ballot Hall of Fame candidate, now has two chances of ever being enshrined into Cooperstown: slim and none.

Testimony and documents will be collected for the proceedings that will likely bring former NY Yankee pitcher Andy Pettitte and prime accuser Brian McNamee to the stand, once again, to testify against the embattled Clemens.

Roger Clemens is currently a black mark on the game of major league baseball and has become a national embarrassment and an anti-role model for sports fans and children everywhere.

The next time he could be wearing pinstripes might just be when he's shackled in some federal penitentiary and surrounded by other incarcerated felons who probably won't find him quite so imposing when he's not holding a baseball sixty feet six inches away from their heads on a baseball mound.

A memo to Roger Clemens: If you think you've been in the big leagues, wait until you see some of the prisons they have upstate. When the verdict ultimately comes down for you, perhaps you'll find out the hard way that the toughest bullpens in this country aren't really located somewhere out in the dirt and grass behind left-center field.

The USC Trojans Are the Real National Champions!

Dracula's Buttocks has teeth — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 11:56:01 -0500

Last night in Miami a great football game was played by two very good teams to decide who would be crowned the NCAA Football National Champions for 2008-09.

When everything was said and done, the Florida Gators proved that they were just a little bit better than the Oklahoma Sooners. Oklahoma had at least an equal chance to win this game, but managed to shoot itself in the foot twice in the first half by not being able to convert two key opportunities inside the Florida three-yard line into any points.

All in all, these two teams looked very evenly matched, with perhaps a slight edge going to Florida. The Gators were crowned National Champions...but did the system really work, and are they actually the best team that college football has to offer?

Since the National Championship picture does not include a playoff system, as it rightly should, the only way a true champion can be determined is based on strength of schedule and comparative analysis against common opponents. This is why the USC Trojans, in my view, have more than just a legitimate claim to being named the number one team in the nation.

When USC lost a game to the Oregon State Beavers early in the season, it proved to be an uphill battle rising through the national rankings for them all season long, mostly because the pollsters were under the false impression that USC played in a significantly weaker conference than some of the other major players in the hunt for the National Championship. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

With the season now concluded, we clearly see that the Pac-10 was perhaps the strongest conference in the land. The Pac 10 went undefeated (5-0) in bowl games and silenced all critics about the strength of its conference.

The Big 12, on the other hand, was overrated for much of the season, and the world got a chance to see teams like Texas Tech, Oklahoma State, and Oklahoma all lose their bowl games, while the Texas Longhorns were equally exposed, as they needed a miracle blunder and a defensive brain cramp by clueless Ohio State coach Jim Tressel just to save themselves from certain defeat.

USC holds impressive blowout victories over No. 8 Penn State, No. 9 Ohio State, and No. 10 Oregon. They also won their conference, the same conference that we now know is likely the strongest in the nation.

As far as common opponents are concerned, Penn State beat the Ohio State team that, for all intents and purposes, had Texas beat. Given the way in which USC manhandled both Penn State and Ohio State, that should, and does, immediately give the Trojans the upper hand over the Longhorns in any potential debate over who should be ranked higher.

The fact that Oklahoma lost by double digits at home to Texas pretty much proves that USC, and not Oklahoma should have been the team playing Florida in the BCS National Championship game. Too bad the "genius" BCS computer couldn't have figured that obvious truth out a few weeks ago when the matchups were being made.

Given the closeness of the game between Florida and Oklahoma, I think it's pretty logical to make the statement that the USC Trojans probably like their chances against that Florida Gator team a whole lot.

The final AP poll had USC ranked third behind Florida and Utah, a team that was solid, but went undefeated against a legitimately weak Mountain West Conference. Just look back to week one when the Utes squeaked out a win against hapless Michigan, and it's apparently obvious that they are getting most of this newfound respect as a result of going undefeated by default.

Also, does anyone who's not a Utah Ute alumni, a delusional Trojan hater, or a devout Mormon actually believe that the Utah Utes would stand any kind of a chance against the powerful Men of Troy? Not likely. Not in this reality anyway.

The coaches' poll had Florida No. 1, USC No. 2, Texas No. 3, Utah No. 4 and Oklahoma NO. 5. This is largely in part because the American Football Association of Coaches made a prior agreement to have all of its voters place the winner of the BCS National Championship game first on their ballots.

The Utah Utes received one first place vote from their coach Kyle Whittingham, who defied the agreement and voted for his team anyway. I guess he won't get to vote next year.

Once again shouts are coming from the rafters for a playoff system to decide who really is the best college football team in the country, and hopefully one day we will get it. For Christ's sake, if President-Elect Barack Obama is even calling for some type of playoff format, then can the NCAA get on the ball and try to give the fans something they really want already?

Despite the controversy about who can lay claim to the crown this year, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the USC Trojans are the number one team in the nation...despite what any BCS computer might "think." I think the evidence backs this up pretty nicely.