Bleacher Report - Articles by Glenn Card

True Confessions of a Providence College Swim Dad

Glenn Card — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:07:41 -0500

Greetings to all of the PC swimmers and divers,

It’s with great regrets that I pen this letter, knowing this may be the last I send to the Providence College swimming and diving team.

For the freshman participants, this will be a new event. Ask the upperclassmen about the letters they received in years past.

It doesn’t always work, but I do try to inspire and motivate you guys and gals toward the Big East Championships. I usually wait a bit later in the swim season, but this year I felt the need to push the “dominant class” beyond their comfort level.

You see, this season will be the end of an era for me. I’ve been a swim dad for a long time.

For me, there will be no more keeping a pair of shorts clean and ready to wear on those cold winter days, in one pool facility or another. There’s nothing like stripping off layers of winter clothing to spend a day sweating, all the while staring at a big rectangle full of water.

There won’t be anymore long road trips and hotel stays in towns and cities where the only place I will be a tourist is at another pool deck. I’ll always think fondly of wandering all over New England for those swim meets.

I think of all the quality bonding time spent in the car with my swimmer. One special memory was traveling to a big meet in Gardner, Mass.

We left a bit late, as the timing of these events was always in question with my swimmer. We had a nice chat with a county constable along the way, when he pulled us over after noticing us rushing through his town.

He was kind enough to give me driving instructions and directions to get out of his town and on toward the pool in Gardner.

Finally, we arrived at the empty parking lot of the natatorium only to find the doors locked. For once we had arrived early, way ahead of the rest of the team, as the swim meet wasn’t to be held until the next weekend.

The ride back home that day was even more fun than the beginning of the trip.

Early in my married life I had no idea I would become a swim dad. I knew a great deal about other sports, like baseball and football, and nearly nothing about swimming.

I envisioned teaching my kids how to throw a tight spiral or a slow curveball. Instead, I ended up learning mysterious terms like flutter-kick and grab-start.

Equipment costs are an expense a parent doesn’t expect for the sport of swimming. I first thought, “OK, what’s my out-lay for goggles, pool shoes, and a swimsuit?”

I soon became aware that goggles come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Try spending a week and a half tracking down the perfect pair, as described by the swimmer. Imagine showing up at the next meet only to see your kid to wearing the crappy $3 pair of goggles that you could've purchased at any dollar store.

When you ask your child what happened to the expensive pair you just spent so much time, gas, and money to hunt down and purchase for them, they tell you one of three things.

For one, they’ll say, “they broke,” the second excuse might be, “I lost them,” and a third response might be, “I gave them to so-and-so because they didn’t have a pair.”

Of course, that is just before they tell you that they need a new pair of goggles for the next meet, and could you see if you can find a pair with mirrored faces on yellow-tinted lenses this time.

I cannot tell you how many pairs of pool shoes I purchased, only to see my swimmer go barefoot at every single meet.

Occasionally you’ll get a request for a new swimsuit. You know the one. It’s the newest one on the market called the “Super Shark Double-Edge Razor Jet Pack.” It’s the one made of paper and has a one-time use...retailing for some crazy number over $500.

Apparently the suits I buy at sporting goods store during end-of-year clearance prices are only good for practice sessions.

Here’s a tip to the swimmers: When your parent asks “Why do you need that suit?” your response should not be “Because that is what everyone else is wearing.”

Instead, tell them this suit could really shave some time off your personal best times. I know I’ve caught myself reaching for my wallet when I get an answer like that.

A parent will do most anything to witness the fleeting moments of triumph to enter your lives.

On a personal note to my swimmer for a moment, Mathew, about that suit, for this your last season, my son..."Forgetaboutit!"

You’ll have to do it this year with heart, grit, and willpower. A few years from now when you might need a hand with the monthly rent or a car payment, come see me. I will have saved that swimsuit money for just that reason.

At this point, the question that probably needs to be asked is “Why does this not sound like an inspirational letter?”

Follow me for just a bit longer.

I think of the PC swim team nearly every morning. While you swimmers are in the dog days of the two-a-day swim practices, I know that you guys and gals have rolled out of bed, trudged over to the pool, and by the time you are finishing your first set, I’m sipping on my first cup of coffee in the morning.

I’m sure thoughts go through your minds like “Why am I doing this to myself?” or “Couldn’t we just have one long afternoon practice?” but you all keep making that cold trek over to the pool every morning.

I sat down and did the math the other day, and I discovered that through the last 14 years of pool-watching, I have seen my son swim competitively for a total of nine hours, 36 minutes, and 11 seconds.

Not really, but I bet that number is a pretty good estimation.

But that composite number of time also represents a tremendous number of hours of dedication to your chosen sport. I’ve only watched you swim laps; the reality is you swam miles and miles to make the time it takes you to swim those laps even shorter.

So the next time you step up on to the block to start your event, take a moment from your mental prep and take a look up into the stands. You’ll see us there; swim folks—we’re your biggest fans. We know the work that you’ve put in.

We’re pretty easy to spot. We’re the ones that wear the most PC garb.

The swim folks hang out in those stands chatting, swapping recipes and anecdotes. Whenever a PC swimmer steps to the lanes for the next heat, the question goes out, “Who’s that?”

There is a group-wide attention given to each swimmer. It’s easy for us to follow another parent’s child, as we also know we’re only going to see our own swim for a short time.

Not many of us were swimmers ourselves, but we know the sport almost nearly as well as you do. Our many years of observation gives us keen awareness of what constitutes a good race.

We also know all the little nuances. In those stands you’ll hear not only shouts of encouragement, but also mumbles in the arcane language of swimming.

You’ll hear things like, “Pace, pace, now race,” “draft him,” “reel-em-in,” and “nail the turn, kick and glide, glide, now pull out.”

We have not swam the same laps you have, but we know what it takes to swim those laps.

Most importantly, we care and we want you to know we care. We hope to celebrate your glories, but we are all too happy to slather on healing emotional encouragement balm if things aren’t going as planned.

At this point in the season, I know some of you are discouraged with the pace of your progress, but take heart—the effort you invest now will pay dividends by the time you’re shaved and tapered.

I look forward to seeing you all at the next meet, but I also look forward to seeing you at the Big East.

So this may or may not be my last season as a Swim Dad. I don’t know if my son will join a masters league after this, but if he does and he gives me a call with the right dates and times, he can count on me being in the stands.

Swimmers are comfortable in the water, and swim folk know how to be fans. It’s what we do.

Above all else, remember that someone cared enough to let you know that your hard work is admired.

“Be Proud!”

“Be PC Proud!”

Your fan,

Glenn Card

NFL Week 10 Picks: From New England Patriots Fans' Perspective

Glenn Card — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:11:33 -0500

It's Week 10 and we now know which teams will most likely be making the playoffs through division wins, but there are a lot of teams still out there on the wild-card bubble.

That means that we still have plenty of good football left through the rest of the season.

The bye week teams this week are the NY Giants and Houston. The Giants aren't done yet and this bye week will do the team good. Look for them to come back strong next week.

The Texans will be taking a rest after their loss to the Colts, but they will be facing that same team again in a couple of weeks.

What do you want to bet that they will be making adjustments to steal that game away from them?

This week's picks are presented by TR, C. Douglas Baker, and myself.

Thursday, Nov. 12, 2009
Chicago @ San Francisco
TR: Apparently this game originally looked like a good choice for prime time, but now it looks like a highly effective Thursday night sleeping pill.

Jay Cutler has managed to put together some numbers from time to time, but the Chicago defense is sorely lacking due to some key injuries. San Francisco's stats as a whole are mediocre, but more importantly, the team is just not consistent. I'm falling asleep just writing this, but I'm going with "Da Bears" here. Zzzzz.

CB: Jay Cutler looks like Kyle Orton with an interception problem.

San Francisco looks better but is inconsistent with crappy QBs.

Mike Singletary will want to stick one up the Bears, and maybe Lovie.

49ers.

GC: What happened? The bears were supposed to be fearsome this year with Jay Cutler under center. Even though Cutler did put up pretty good numbers in a losing effort their last game.

The 49ers host this game and despite their solid efforts they have an even worse record at 3–5 at this point.

The Bears should be able to move the ball on the 49ers and win this away game.

Sunday, Nov. 13, 2009
New Orleans @ Saint Louis
TR: What is there to say? They could be playing this game on the moon, Alice, and it wouldn't matter. Somebody will take out the Saints before the season is over, but it will not be the Rams. (Three guesses who I think it will be.)

CB: Oh…what a nice game.

I think Steven Jackson will get a lot of yards, and the Saints will get a lot of points.

New Orleans.

GC: This will be a one-sided snoozer. It should be no problem for the Saints to remain undefeated against the Rams. Drew Brees will have another big game.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
TR: At last, I'm awake. I expected Carson Palmer and the Bengals to fold last week against the Ravens, but it didn't happen.

Playing in Pittsburgh is another story altogether, and I do expect a Cincy fold pretty soon, so why not now?

The Steelers have just been dominant, and while Palmer definitely has some weapons, they won't be enough. Here is where my esteemed colleague Mr. Card and I disagree, because I say Pittsburgh takes this one.

CB: Cincinnati is resurgent but the Steelers defensive is still as potent as ever. Steelers in a close one.

GC: This should be one of the better games scheduled for Sunday. It’s a divisional game and the Bengals and the Steelers both are coming off a big wins last week. The Bengals hold the edge in the AFC North standings and the Steelers are the reigning champions. The Bengals can and will win this game.

Detroit @ Minnesota
TR: Oh, no, another one. Look, I would love to be able to give some chance to the Lions but, try as I might, I can't find a single reason why the Vikings should lose this game, or a single reason why I could be bothered to watch it.

CB: Oh Boy.

My pick, Brett Favre...I mean Minnesota.

GC: Talk about one-sided games, the Vikings at home against the Lions. Favre will only have to play the first half.

Tampa Bay @ Miami
TR: The 'Phins throw every bit of trickery in their playbook at the Buccaneers, who become hopelessly bewildered and get a lot of penalties for things like 17 men on the field.

The only possible edge for the Bucs would lie in their passing game and Miami's shaky pass defense. Honestly, though, that is nowhere near enough as Miami makes use of their predictably unpredictable kitchen sink formations, pulls an Energizer bunny out of Ronnie Brown's helmet, and runs TB out of town.

CB: Tampa Bay rolled last week; they are going to get rolled this week.

Miami.

GC: The Dolphins are not going to let the Buccaneers leave without a beating.

Denver @ Washington
TR: Denver's recent meltdown was predictable, but with San Diego suddenly nipping at their heels, they will take advantage of Washington's multiple weaknesses for a win on the road.

CB: Wow, what a bunch of crappy games and crappy teams. When was the last time we saw this many crappy teams?

Denver.

GC: The Broncos have dropped two in a row. The Redskins just can’t seem to get on a winning roll. The Broncos need to stop the bleeding and there’s no one better to take it out on except the Redskins.

Buffalo @ Tennessee
TR: Vince Young has looked comfortable under center, and the exploits of Chris Johnson speak for themselves. Too little, too late to do the Titans any good in the long haul this season, but they can KO the punchless Bills.

Have I mentioned how very little I think of Kerry Collins?

How have the Titans done since he took his rightful place on the bench? Hello.

CB: Crap vs. crappier.

Tennessee.

GC: Last week the Titans looked more like their 2008 selves. The Bills are coming off a bye week but have to visit the rejuvenated Titans. The Titans will hand the Bills another loss in this home field win.

Atlanta @ Carolina
TR: The Panthers rarely win at home, and I think the loss to the Saints on the road last week probably put them on cruise control, just playing out the string.

Atlanta is far from powerhouse status, but they have the firepower to put the Cats in their place. As much as I dislike agreeing with Mr. Card so often, I'm looking for a Falcons win, even if Julius Peppers gets two tackles.

CB: Carolina Pussycats are a joke.

Atlanta isn’t.

Atlanta.

GC: The Panthers just don’t have enough weapons to slow the Falcons down.

Jacksonville @ NY Jets
TR: This one almost qualifies as yet another snoozefest, but the Jets are a cut above the Jags. As a Patriots fan, I would be happy to be wrong, but the Jets have the upper hand here and will get the win.

CB: Goooooo Jacksonville…But Jets will win.

GC: Here are two 4–4 teams, which means someone is going to get back on the winning side of .500. The Jets will be happy for the home field advantage in this win.

Kansas City @ Oakland
TR: Do I have to pick one? Okay. KC is in such disarray; I can't see them winning again this year. Well, maybe one, but not in front of that insane Oakland crowd.

CB: This used to a marquee matchup back in the day.

Now it’s just a couple of lousy teams nobody wants to watch.

What a shame.

Oakland.

GC: The Raiders get a rare win this yawner.

Philadelphia @ San Diego
TR: Rivers has the Bolts on a roll, plain and simple. Vincent Jackson has been amazing, and I never count Sproles out of any play.

They continue to win games they should lose, while the Eagles have begun to look a little punch-drunk. San Diego will make the home crowd happy.

CB: Two mediocre teams, but Philadelphia is on the road.

Even if Brian Westbrook plays it won’t be at 100 percent.

San Diego.

GC: The Chargers are on a winning streak while the Eagles lost in a big way in their last game.

In this game it’s going to be about the QB who has the biggest arm. I think Philip Rivers shows up big in this game and the Chargers win.

Dallas @ Green Bay
TR: Dallas was impressive in the win over the Eagles, and GB was anything but inspiring in their loss to Tampa Bay. Can Aaron Rodgers and his gang get it together, even at Lambeau?

Sad to say, I don't think so. The Cowboys pick up another win by sheer force of momentum.

CB: Green Bay looked like crap last week, and Dallas looks like they are on a roll, well, kind of. I’ll go with Dallas.

GC: The Cowboys have ratcheted up their game and look to be contenders but I try to never pick against the Packers at home.

This will be a Green Bay win.

Seattle @ Arizona
TR: As you might remember, I don't think highly of either of these teams, but Arizona has surprised me a couple of times, and the Seahawks have not.

This doesn't shape up to be an electrifying event by any means, and I have to give the Cards some props, even if they are at home.

As soon as my roulette wheel stops spinning, I can give you...22, black. That means Arizona wins.

CB: Seahawks have too many injuries.

Arizona.

GC: How is it that the Cardinals have a better record on the road than at home? They’ll start fixing that stat this week with a win over the Seahawks.

New England @ Indianapolis
TR: I don't think there is anything I can write that hasn't already been written about 17,000 times in the past few days.

The numbers are all there, and the rivalry is well known.

For me, the edge goes to the Patriots and not just because I am incredibly biased, either. The Patriots have a secret weapon, and only Bill Belichick knows what it is. Yes, I expect our head coach, a man who is loved and respected throughout the NFL and in London, to pull a game plan out of his ragged sleeve that will set Manning et al. back oh, five or six years.

We all know that the Colts have barely been tested, so I won't even go there. Big surprise here: I predict that Indianapolis gets tested in this game and fails, just a little.

Big-time Game of the Week, Colts no longer undefeated as it becomes clear that Belichick IS the secret weapon.

CB: Two great teams, I hate the Colts, but they are likely to win against a young and not-quite-there defense.

Can I puke now?

Colts.

GC: If you don't watch any other game, watch this one.

The Colts are undefeated and are playing at home with the current No. 1 ranked defense and sixth ranked offense. The flip side is the Patriots have a second ranked defense and third ranked offense.

The differences in the offensive rankings between these two are pretty slim. You know Manning is going to test the rookies on the Patriots defense all night long. I’m hoping that the Pats backfield is up to the task as I’m picking the Patriots to win this and kill the Colts undefeated streak.

Monday Nov. 14, 2009
Baltimore @ Cleveland
TR: Baltimore has surprised me by losing some games I thought they would win, and now they find themselves truly fighting to keep their heads above water. Cleveland is a good opponent for them right now and should give Joe Flacco and his boys a good opportunity to run their offense again.

The Ravens' defense has not been as intimidating as in years past, but for this one, they will step up and play the best game they can play.

Baltimore from beginning to end.

CB: Cleveland is one of the many laughingstocks in the league.

Eric "Manwenie" should be fired, or should have never been hired.

Ravens.

GC: The Ravens are trying to stay in the playoff hunt and they are not going to let the Browns get in their way.

The King is Dead, Long Live the Patriots

Glenn Card — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:53:47 -0500

The Kings of the AFC East are alive and well, the rumor of their demise has been largely fabricated. I speak of none other than the New England Patriots.

We were only five games into the 2009 season and many pundits were writing a far too premature obituary for the perennial powerhouse. It is a favorite past time for many, trying to predict the downfall of the Pats.

Here’s the funny thing though. As much as I have read about the failings and weaknesses of this 2009 team, the betting line usually holds the Patriots up as the victor in most match-ups.

It seems the bookies learned early on what the common NFL broadcasters, journalist never comprehended early in this decade. Never let the line go too far to bet against the Pats.

Now that we are half way through the season and the Patriots are firmly in control of the AFC East again, where have all the doubters gone?

Where’s the guy from last year that said the defense was too old?

Where’s the broadcaster who earlier this year said the Pats had lost all their team leadership?

What about the writer that stated that Tom Brady didn’t deserve his elite status?

Fine I’ll give them some food for fodder. The last two teams they played are teams that they should have beaten.

Oh that’s right, that’s not what they were saying about the Patriots just before the games were played. It would be a little hypocritical to reverse their statements after the fact now wouldn’t it?

No, instead we got to read about how the Patriots were running up the score on poor defenseless teams once again. Poor Titans couldn’t defend against me, a 40+ year old asthmatic, and my equally debilitated in-laws if we were playing in our annual turkey day flag football game.

The week after that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers didn’t play much better. But because we were playing in the other England’s Wembley stadium, the Patriots decidedly didn’t embarrass their opponents so severely.

Even still the Patriots traveled home without a single player being knighted. It would have seemed unseemly for the Queen to bestow such an honor on the scurrilous players of this team; though in her heart even she knows who the team to beat is.

After a bye week rest my team returns to the field this week against a division rival, the Dolphins, which has turned its season around and could give the Patriots some fits. Although, I feel that the wildcat offense will be far less effective now that the Patriots have seen it a few times.

The Patriots don’t look beyond their current opponent but this game will be more of a tune up for a couple of tougher non-divisional games against the Colts and Saints that the Patriots will face soon enough.

As the Patriots have not been playing, the detractors have been somewhat quiet and I’ve enjoyed the respite myself. Do not worry though as the critics will be out and about moments after this week’s game has ended.

We will hear again how “the King is dead, the King is dead!”, but more than likely we will hear “The King is ruthless!”

For me, it will read the same, “Long live the Patriots!”

Whose Patriots Team Is It, Brady or Belichick's?

Glenn Card — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 11:00:02 -0400

Considering everything that was being said about the Patriots coming into this game against the Ravens, I think the Patriots gave us some answers.

The Patriots answered a lot of questions.

Can they play tough against a good and acknowledged probable playoff team? They passed the test and looked good doing it.

Did they surpass any offensive records doing it? No, they didn’t have to.

What we did find out is that the special team is special and they came up big once again. On offense they showed that they still know how to move the ball up and down the field.

What we also learned is that a score is a about points. Nobody likes to settle for a field goal, but hey, that’s how many of the prior Patriots games were won before the 2007 season.

What the Patriots really showed is that they are a very good overall football team.

The head coach, Bill Belichick, put the rest of the league on notice. This is not a one-dimensional team. This team is just not all about an explosive aerial offense.

Bill has quietly let all pundits speak only of Brady’s struggles with the passing game. He has ducked the questions about the massive turn over of the defense where many of the perennial fixtures were, traded, retired or let go.

Despite all the changes, there was always a big focus on how Brady was doing with his return to duty. This is where everyone got it wrong.

Brady is important, always will be to the Patriots team, but he is not the end all of the 2009 Patriots team.

Bill’s team had become too dependent on the quarterback position these last few years. This became evident last year when Brady was injured and was lost for the season.

Last year many of the tools were in place for a back-up QB and it allowed for a decent offense. It’s the defense that needed retooling.

The day always comes where despite all the tools available you, sometimes you just don’t have the right one. When that day comes, you either have to make do and bust a knuckle or go out and get the right tool.

I think Bill got his knuckles busted up a bit last year, and he decided that’s not going to happen again; he needed better, and more, tools.

Bill didn’t go back to basics; he upgraded the basics that already existed. Bill made it happen this year. The defense was the winner against the Ravens.

I’ll be the first to say that I want my team to score so many points that I don’t have to worry about the opposing teams capability to score. But there is some comfort in seeing a defense that can keep the game close in case the offense is having a bad day.

Mr. Belichick knows what his offense is capable of just look at the confidence he has shown by going on fourth down conversions. He is just beginning to get a feel for what his new defense is capable of.

Tom Brady is the quarterback of the New England Patriots, but the Patriots are the personification of the man who really leads them, Bill Belichick.

NFL Week Four Picks: From New England Patriots Fans' Perspective

Glenn Card — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 22:23:31 -0400

It’s the fourth week of the NFL regular season, and we continue our weekly series of Patriots fans’ picks with TR, Steve Frith and Glenn Card.

I thought I’d share a few thoughts on the teams that get to take the week off. Who gets a bye week?

Atlanta Falcons

This is good chance for a break for the Falcons. They are a good team that got a bit of an education in New England’s Gillette stadium in their last outing. The Falcons had been riding a high; now they know that there are other good teams that they will have to strategize for. This 2 – 1 team will come back from their bye week smarter and a bit stronger.

Philadelphia Eagles

I thought the Eagles production might fall off a lot with the loss of McNabb; I maligned the back up Kevin Kolb and he completely showed me up. Even if McNabb still is hampered by his broken rib and isn’t ready to go after this bye week the Eagles still have some life with their back up QB.

Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals report that they really don’t need a bye week right now as their team has not had a rash of injuries that needs healing. I might contend that after the bitch slap they received from the Colts this last week they are going to need a little time to let that bruise to their psyche heal.

They go up against the inconsistent Houston Texans next game up, depending on which Texan team shows up the Cardinals might be happy that they have an extra week before that outing.

Carolina Panthers

This team needs a bye week. The Panthers are not a bad team but are surely not playing up to their potential. Right now they stand at 0–3 but the next three games after the bye are against teams that they should be able to beat and put them on the winning side of the tote board. It’s the right time to get their heads right.

We are trying to gather a few more guest writers but the logistics have not worked out so far. If you are A) interested in joining us with your picks and B) a Patriots fan…then drop anyone of us a line and we’ll work you into the rotation.

For the record I put together a spreadsheet for how the current participants are doing so far.

	Week 1	Week 2	Week 3	Overall
Terry Robinson	12 - 4	10 - 6	13 - 3	35 - 13	73%
Steve Frith		8 - 8	10 - 6	18 - 14	56%
Glenn Card	12 - 4	9 - 7		21 - 11	65%

Now, let's move on to the picks.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Detroit @ Chicago

GC: The lions are going to be a little punch drunk from their recent win. Da’ Bears are going to remind them how much more work needs to be done before the Lions can be seen as competitive. Speaking of competitive, Jay Cutler has been able to accomplish for this team what a number of predecessor quarterbacks could not do, make them believe that they can win.

TR: I have to agree with Brother Card here. It would be tempting for the Lions to believe they could win this, but Cutler has surprised the heck out of me, and Da Bears are sky high, taking this one at home.

SF: I agree with Glenn’s comment about the Lions being punch drunk still-with their last win, they ended the longest losing streak in NFL history. They’ve got a lot of momentum going into this game against Da Bears. With that said, Da Bears are no joke, either. They’ve shown that they can hang with the best, and beat the Steelers who are (were) the No. 1 pick to win the Super Bowl.

Da Bears will have their hands full with the Lions, who don’t want to lose any more….ever again. I’ll give this one to the Lions, simply because they got a taste of winning after forgetting what it’s like, and they want more of it.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

GC: The Browns benched Brady Quinn, their rookie quarter back. At this writing it is not clear if the veteran Derek Anderson or Quinn will be leading the Browns in this game. I don’t think it will matter because I think the Bengals found a bit of hidden defense in their roster and they will use it like a new toy to full advantage against the Browns. This will be a high scoring game for Cinncy.

TR: In the battle for Ohio, it is pretty clear that A) Cleveland is a team in despair and disarray, and B) Cincinnati is better than some of us thought. Carson Palmer’s numbers have not been gaudy, but they have been adequate, and Cedric Benson is doing a good job on the ground.

And yes, they have a little D. Having knocked off the Steelers last week for the first time in a few years, the Bengals are set to invade Cleveland and come away with a convincing win.

SF: Bengals. The Bengals will easily take care of the Browns this Sunday, and will leave the Browns fans (and probably upper management) wondering what the hell Mangini is doing. Mangini needs to pull something out and stop marching his team to what could easily be a defeated season.

Seattle @ Indianapolis

GC:There is not one good reason why I should pick Seattle to upset the Colts, not one. The Colts will lock this one up early and add another “W” to their total making this season a 4–0 start.

TR: There is indeed little to recommend the Seahawks here. I have pored over the stats, believe me, and I also can’t find one good reason for the Colts not to win big. And you know I tried.

SF: I like Peyton Manning. The Colts…not so much; As much as I want the Seahawks to pull this one off, I just don’t see them defeating Peyton-specially with T.J. Houshmandzadeh not playing as well as the Seahawks hoped, and with Hasselbeck still out with a broken rib. I’m going to have to give this one to the Colts.

NY Giants @ Kansas City

GC: The Giants are as good as everyone thought they would be. The Chiefs have not played nearly as good as I thought they would be. The thing is, I never envisioned them to be good enough to be the Giants. The Giants win this away game to become 4 – 0 also.

TR: I find it amusing that anyone expected the Chiefs’ season to start any differently than it has. Regardless of anything Matt Cassel has or has not been able to do, any team that is giving up 28 points per game just does not have a chance. The Giants will roll all over KC’s chaotic defensive line and win big.

SF: Dear God; Father, who art in heaven, please make the Giants lose. Allow Lazy eyed Eli to throw more interceptions than completions, and multiple fumbles. Grant the Giants fans the ability to not talk trash and humble them with a loss, not just for this Sunday, but every Sunday.

Grant Matt Cassel and the Chiefs the ability to connect with the long bombs, the audacity to run with the ball for many, many yards, and the strength to be victorious. It is in your name we pray for a Chiefs victory, Amen.

Baltimore @ New England

GC: The Ravens are playing some hard-nosed football and winning games. They come into New England sporting a 3–0 record. They saw what the Jets defense and their former head coach did to the Patriots in week two. They will use a similar scheme to upset the Pats offense and keep Brady off balanced through pressure, pressure, pressure.

The Ravens' Joe Flacco is another young QB in his sophomore year that is avoiding the sophomore slump. They are going to sorely test the Pats on both sides of the ball. They are playing in Gillette stadium so I’m giving the edge to the home team. The Patriots win this one by a touchdown.

TR: The Ravens are an elite team right now, without a doubt. Joe Flacco has turned in some pretty great work, and the two-headed rushing monster called Rice and McGahee has been almost unstoppable. Their defense has been as scary as we have come to expect from them, very stingy in every category.

The Patriots, meanwhile, look to be just now finding their true identity. The NE defense is much better than many of us thought; check the stats if you don’t believe me. Belichick will try to keep the Ravens guessing when Flacco has the ball, the Patriots’ running game will be emphasized again, players will limp off the field, and in the end my colleague will be right: Patriots win at The Razor.

SF: While the Giants found the weak link in the Patriots armor with a solid rush the QB game, and the Jets set the standard for the rest of the NFL to follow when playing the Pats to stop their passing attack. No doubt that Belichick has taken notice to this, and has come up with a plan.

Couple this with these two things: 1) Brady seems to be finally starting to get back into the swing of things, and 2) The young defense has started using their speed and now swarm the ball with ease.

If the Pats (Brady) can keep from making mistakes that Flacco and the Ravens can, and will capitalize on, then the Pats can pull this one out. If the Pats don’t bring their “A” game, and Brady continues to overthrow, then you can expect Flacco to stick it to the Pats. I’m going to give this one to the Pats-I feel that the young defense can hold the Ravens at bay.

Tampa Bay @ Washington

GC: The Buccaneers are another team that benched the starting quarterback; Leftwich out and Josh Johnson is in. I couldn’t tell you what I expect from the Bucs either way. The Redskins on the other hand should win this home game and convincingly otherwise it will be another nail in the coffin for head coach Jim Zorn.

TR: There is no reason to believe that the Bucs can take the ‘Skins at home. It’s really kind of pathetic.

SF: I’m going to echo what Glenn said already. The Bucs are in Turmoil-they’re pulling a Mangini and switching QB’s. Zorn and the Skins had better win this one, or it might very well be the start of the end for Zorn’s career.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

GC: Oh the Titans, what the hell happened to you guys? If they don’t turn their season around in this game then they will probably not be important at the end of the year.

For the Jaguars they played and lost to two tough teams to start the season; they should look at their win over Houston as a reason for winning this one. The Jaguars will win this home game. They need to keep the wild card slot in mind as they roll forward through the season.

TR: I wonder if the Titans might be unimportant already. Granted, they have a few things going for them, mainly a run defense that is ranked second in the NFL. And Chris Johnson is one of the biggest surprises I’ve seen, averaging better than six yards per carry.

But everything else about them looks mediocre, and they are just not winning. The Jags have some ground game themselves, and it will be fun to watch and see what Jones-Drew does this week. But with the Jags’ one win having come against Houston, I’m not ready to jump on that bandwagon. Tennessee wins this one, not by much.

SF: Didn’t the mighty Titans start out last season with a 10-0 record? What the hell happened to them? I’m going to give this one to the Jags-if anything because of their home field advantage.

The Titans have struggled and will continue to struggle, and the Jags need to work on their defense. Sadly, this is one game that I won’t care to miss, as I don’t think it’ll be all that exciting.

Oakland @ Houston

GC: I’m just not sure who to pick in this game. Oakland is trying to win games and the Texans never give me a great feel for who they should beat. I’ll make some friends in Houston and say that the Texans win this home game. Raider fans should rejoice because every time I pick Houston to win, they don’t.

TR: I was happy to see Houston win one, since I have the same problem with them that Glenn and everybody else seems to have: The Texans are just so inconsistent, I never know what to expect. They should win this game, but Oakland has made a lot of progress over last year, and I believe their defense can shut down Matt Schaub and company. There, I said it: Oakland wins.

SF: At the start of the season, the Raiders defense looked great-even in games they didn’t win (except maybe last week). In week one, they punched the Chargers in the mouth controlling the game defensively. If the Raiders can bring that feisty defense back, then it’ll be a win for the Raiders. If not, then it’ll be a close game with a win going to the Raiders.

NY Jets @ New Orleans

GC: This will be another test for the Jets. So far they have shown a lot of growth and look to be legit (I thought the same thing last year though). We all know what the Saints are capable of. The Saints have studied the game films and know the blitz is coming. As they say, live by the blitz and you shall die by the blitz.

The Saints have an answer for the Jets defense and Mark Sanchez doesn’t have enough fire power to keep up with King Brees. The Saints will win this home game with big numbers.

TR: Sanchez has been amazing in leading the Jets to a 3-0 record, but it’s just a matter of time before somebody reminds all of us that he is a rookie, after all. New Orleans is vulnerable against the pass, but they are so dominant offensively, they are my Pick of the Week to win at home.

SF: The Jets need to be taken down a few notches. Let’s hope that Brees and the Saints can slap the trash talk out of the Jets’ mouth. I don’t see Brees struggling with the Jets pass rushing defense-Brees has one of the best arms in the NFL. Look for him to “Brees” past the Jets with a win for the Saints.

Buffalo @ Miami

GC: This is an interesting AFC East divisional match-up. I expected and predicted that all the AFC East teams would finish the season with 10 wins or better but here are 2 teams that can’t seem to find their wheels. Miami has played some good games but haven’t been able to seal the deal.

Now with Pennington out they will find it even harder to get that first elusive win. The Bills on the other hand should bounce back from the drubbing they took from the Saints. They really got to find a way to get TO the ball and spread the field.

I’m picking the Dolphins to find a way to overcome the loss of their starting QB, It’ll be a ball control game with a lot of wildcat offensive plays.

TR: Tough break about Pennington, who might be done for good this time. Miami has acquired Tyler Thigpen from KC; I don’t know how much he will add. The Miami defense has been hard to run on, and Buffalo’s rushing game has been fairly successful, so I look for that battle to be one key.

The other will be, as Glenn pointed out, enough different Dolphin offensive looks to keep the Bills confused. It’s a toss-up for me. But I’ll go with Miami at home.

SF: Look for the Bills to play hard, being fiery on defense and in your face on offense. They’ll rush whoever starts at QB for the Dolphins and will still rush the Dolphins “wildcat” offense, which I fully expect to see. Look for the Bills to pull this one out, helping the Dolphins to yet another poor season with more losses than wins.

Saint Louis @ San Francisco

GC: I’ll make this one short. I like what the 49ers are doing to win games and they’ll win big at home this week.

TR: I’ll keep it brief for another reason: the Rams just, well, suck. They are averaging eight points a game: Eight, people. That is just sad, and on the road? Not a chance.

SF: This will be an exciting game. They’re division rivals, they’re both hungry for a win, and they’re both looking to better their records. I’m going to give this one to the Rams simply because they don’t want to go 0-4 (does any team?).

The Rams will rely heavily on Jackson to gain yardage-but the 49er’s are ranked 4th against the run. The Rams on the other hand are ranked 27th against the run. Look for the Rams to pull this one out late in the 4th quarter.

Dallas @ Denver

GC: Raise your hand if any of you thought that Kyle Orton would have “0” interceptions going into week four of the season. That’s what is going to make the difference in this game, turn-overs. The Broncos are not going make those errors to let the Cowboys capitalize; Broncos win at home.

TR: I’ll keep this brief: Denver’s defense will stuff the Cowboys down their own throats. Thank you, that is all.

SF: Another exciting game-this one with lots of aerial attacks; Look for the Cowboys to pull ahead with an early lead and the Broncos making a nice comeback. Romo blows it in the fourth quarter sealing the deal for the Broncos.

San Diego @ Pittsburgh

GC: The Chargers have to go into Pittsburgh, be glad it’s not winter. The Steelers haven’t found a running game yet and they keep putting the games on Big Ben’s shoulders. He can’t win them all by himself. The Chargers could make a statement with a win in this game and they will.

TR: With so many injuries, I have been amazed by the Bolts’ play. Major props there. However, it is their misfortune to be heading into the Steel City after Pittsburgh has lost two in a row. Philip Rivers will torch the Steelers, but that guy they call Big Ben will make some of those things they call big plays. Pittsburgh wins a heart-breaker.

SF: Here we Chargers, here we go! (Clap, clap!). Yes, that’s me cheering on the Chargers. I hate the Steelers, and don’t have enough hours in a day to list the reasons. If I ever hope the Steelers win a game, I’ll kick my own ass. The Steelers are in trouble now, with their only victory coming in a field goal in overtime.

Tomlin is trying to turn the team around, but it’s a big boat and will take a while to get them going in the right direction. The Chargers on the other hand, have found that they still have a play maker in Sproles with Tomlinson out with a bad ankle, and when Sproles can’t run the ball effectively, then some guy named Philip Rivers is lighting up the sky with passes (he leads the league right now with 991 passing yards).

The Chargers pull this one out allowing the Steelers to continue their losing streak (yippy!).

Monday, October 5, 2009

Green Bay @ Minnesota

GC: How could you not be interested in the drama of this game? The Packers actually are playing some pretty good ball but they are going up against a Vikings team that is undefeated and they have home field advantage with Favre behind center; Vikings win.

TR: This is exactly the game that drama-queen-attention-junkie Favre was looking at when he made the decision to sign with Minnesota. What more dramatic and visible stage at this point in the season?

Green Bay’s lone loss was to the surprising Bengals, and that one came down to the wire. Nevertheless, besides home field, the Vikings have one thing the Pack does not: Adrian Peterson. They will also wind up with the win.

SF: Brett Favre against his old team-who won’t want to watch that one? If the Vikings win this one, it’ll be because of their running game. I don’t care who says what-Adrian Peterson is a play-maker, and could very well be the deciding factor in this game. While all the talk will be about the teams two QB’s, keep your eye on the running game. This one goes to the Vikings thanks to Peterson.

I'm Hermatile and Planning a Patriots Fan Counter-Intervention

Glenn Card — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:47:28 -0400

It’s Tuesday, another day for the regularly scheduled PFA (Patriots Fan Anonymous) meeting at 7 p.m. always held at the local community building.

I’m hermatile because I always make the meetings even though I backslide every weekend through the course of the regular NFL season. Call it a weak constitution, a fuzzy commitment to healing, or just call it an insidious addiction to all things Patriots.

I know I’m not supposed to be watching the Patriots games; hell, I shouldn’t even be watching football at all. All the pre-game and post-game shows, and even during a game, the sports announcers will always find away to mention the status of the Patriots team.

I should be finding constructive activities to distract me from my passions—anything that will keep me occupied and allow the healing process to move forward.

I’ve been trying to become a normal person with cares and concerns beyond the on-field endeavors of a certain professional football team. I’m just having a very hard time separating the reality of life from my Patriots fan-ship.

So every Tuesday I find myself back at these meetings drinking rancid coffee, munching on day-old doughnuts in anticipation of my weekly admission of failing to make it through another week of exorcising the Patriots from my life.

As I sit there through the reading of the objectives and rules of the meeting, I have time to reflect on what I will say when I take my turn at the podium.

As the meeting starts, I miss my opportunity to get my hand up first. A gentleman gets up to the podium and addresses the group: “Hi, my name is _____ (I’ll call him Terry, as this is supposed to be anonymous), and I am a Patriots Fan.”

The crowd responds, “Hi, Terry.”

It turns out that Terry has had similar relapses to my own. He recounts how he too has been watching the Patriots games.

With a tear in his eye he then admitted to a further faux paus of logging on to a certain Internet sports site and leaving acidic comments on a number of derogatory Patriots articles. He had sunk to the deepest levels of fanhood.

Instead of sympathy for the relapse of Terry, I feel a bit of kinship and pride for the man. All the while I was treading dangerous waters trying to sort out those feelings for myself.

As everyone else congratulated Terry for sharing as he made his way back to his seat, another fellow takes his place at the podium; we’ll call him Steve. After Steve introduces himself and admits his fanhood, we all welcome him: “Hi, Steve.”

Surprisingly, I hear another admission of football watching and Internet commenting. I know Steve and I always thought he came to these meetings only because he actually liked the crappy coffee.

I gained a large amount of respect for the man as he stood there and told his story.

As I sat there waiting for Steve to finish knowing that I had some demons of my own to purge, I couldn’t help myself from feeling conflicted once again. A plan was forming and I had no way of diverting my thoughts.

As the moderator asked if there was anyone else who wanted to share, I jumped to my feet. On my way to the podium, I made a concerted effort to walk by both Terry and Steve to give them a wink and a handshake.

I strode to the podium in front of this concerned and caring audience and immediately launched into the opening: “Hi, my name is Glenn Card and I’m a Patriots fan.” The crowd’s automatic zombie response came back at me: “Hi, Glenn.”

For emphasis, I repeated myself: “I’m Glenn Card and I’m a Patriots fan.” I pause, then whipped off my cap, exposing the flying Elvis Patriot emblems tattooed to each side of my shaved head, adding “And I’m damn proud of it.” Pandemonium broke loose with shouts of acceptance and condemnation.

As I commanded the podium, I announced, “I’m here for your counter-intervention.” This time I heard more cheers than shrieks of horror.

"We’re all Patriots fans here and we’ve been led to believe that we have a problem. We’re not the problem.

"We’ve been fans when the Patriots were the laughingstock, the doormats of the NFL. Other fans pitied us and thought we were pathetic for our allegiance to our team.

"No one took us seriously.

"Then along came Parcels and Bledsoe then Belichick and Brady. Something happened as we went from loathing other teams to unabashed admirers of our own team; we became the hated Patriots fans.

"I’ve seen national polls that show that one third of all NFL fans hate the Patriots especially because of their fans. That means me and you and you and you," I said as I started pointing my finger all around the room.

"Well, being adults with a conscience and concern for what others think of us, we have tried to better ourselves and conform to the wishes of other fans. We have tried to be less abrasive and brash, more understanding of their loser feelings.

"It did not matter that those same fans that we were offending had fathers and older brothers that took every opportunity to belittle us and put us down for decades before.

"Now despite the Patriots decade of success we’re supposed to allow and humor other fans as the bash and demean the Patriots through Internet articles and comments. We should ignore those jabs and cajole the authors of these mean spirited opinions and commentaries.

"While I’ve been in the program I have only smiled, nodded my head and mumbled platitudes of appreciation for their twisted intuitive observances.

"I now recognize those Patriots-bashing articles for what they are.

"They are hate and fear disguised as literature; hate for success not their own and fear of the playoffs. The season is young and having the Patriots possibly make the playoffs is reason enough to fear them.

"My counter-intervention is self-attained and I’ve made it my mission to free my like-minded friends and kinsmen from their burdens of trying to fit in with the fan population at large.

"I’m done with these PFA meetings. If you want to meet with me then you can see me down at the local sports pub and I’ll tell you all about my fanhood there."

I’m a little hermatile at myself for allowing myself to be falsely humbled. So I say to all those not of the Patriot persuasion, go ahead and deride us for a Patriots loss or two, but fear the future as your nightmare is the Patriots in the playoffs.

I am Glenn Card, and I am a Patriots fan.

NFL Week One Picks: From New England Patriots Fans' Perspective

Glenn Card — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 22:45:05 -0400

I would like to introduce a weekly series of NFL game picks from some Patriot fans. Kicking off opening week of the NFL regular season games a couple of intrepid compatriots, TR and Glenn Card, contribute their picks and perspectives for your enjoyment.

Thursday September 10, 2009

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh

TR: Common sense dictates going with the defending champions, but I have never been accused of possessing that trait. It is tough at the top. Everybody is fired up to knock you off that pedestal. Titans running back LenDale White is already talking smack. I put Tennessee by a TD, Upset of the Week.

GC: As a nod to the defending champions playing at home I have to pick the Steelers. It’s the first game of the season and these guys are going to be pumped to be playing at home. I’m not saying the Titans are going to lay down only that they're not going to have enough fuel to overcome the Steelers; Pittsburgh by seven.

Sunday September 13, 2009

NY Jets @ Houston

TR: The Texans have been trying to look like they belong in the NFL for a few years now, and I think they might be on the verge. Schaub’s inability to stay healthy is a problem yet again, but having veteran Rex Grossman waiting eagerly in the wings makes a difference. The Jets will need a game or two to hit their stride, so I’m picking the Texans by six.

GC: The Jets have a new rookie QB with Mark Sanchez. The Texans have been struggling for years to gain acceptability; they have improved their roster this year and are really hoping to make some noise.

It’s not a popular pick to pick against the home team but I think the coming out party for Sanchez and the Jets new defense wins this game for them. Jets win a close one by three points.

Minnesota @ Cleveland

TR: No matter what Favre does or does not do, no matter what planet he plans to do it on, Adrian Peterson is the best running back on planet Earth. LaDainian Tomlinson disagrees, but I can’t say I blame him. I’d be jealous too. Peterson slaughters Browns defense, some Vikings quarterback throws a little, Vikes win big.

GC: The Vikings have Brett Favre at the helm and he has played the Browns often enough to know how to beat them in his sleep. Despite the Browns improvements they lose this home game; Vikings by at least seven.

Denver @ Cincinnati

TR: This one is a little tougher, for a bunch of reasons on both sides. But at the end of the day, Josh McDaniels knows what it takes to have his team ready on game day. Besides, the Broncos aren’t due to fold yet; Denver by three.

GC: The Broncos have something to prove with a new coach and new quarterback Kyle Orton. The Bengals also have something to prove, their not the doormat that they’ve been in the recent past. Bengals win this one at home.

Philadelphia @ Carolina

TR: It’s hard to pick against a team that boasts Steve Smith AND DeAngelo Williams. But Smith’s shoulder might be a problem for him, and the Eagles defense is going to be tough. The Eagles’ biggest problem will be smuggling Michael Vick past the protesters outside The Bank; Philadelphia by three.

GC: I actually like the Panthers a great deal. This game is not their game as the Eagles with Donovan McNabb at the helm is going for a post season appearance again this year and they are not going to let the Panthers slow them down right from the start of the season. Eagles win this away game but it will be close, it’s another game where three points make the difference.

Dallas @ Tampa Bay

TR: The Bucs need about another two years before they will bother anybody. Tony Romo may or may not be the quarterback we thought he was, but either way, this is the year to prove it. Cowboys come out strong, win by three.

GC: Tony Romo is going to be working overtime this year to prove he belongs leading the Cowboys. I’m not convinced that Buccaneers have done enough to be competitive again this year. The Cowboys win this game and make a statement by wining by 10 points.

Kansas City @ Baltimore

TR: I know people are expecting better days ahead for KC, but this is not going to be one of them. Cassel has returned to practice, but the Ravens defense will stifle anything the Chiefs try to put together. And Baltimore’s offense, especially on the ground, will keep the ball in their hands and the clock running; Ravens by 10.

GC: I like the Chiefs this year but no way do the Ravens lose their first home game but it will be close. I think only a field goal will give Baltimore the win.

Detroit @ New Orleans

TR: Let me count the ways… Drew Brees, MJD…Oh, this is just too easy; Saints in a blowout. Okay, 13.

GC: The Saints Drew Brees is going to eat up the Lions defense. The Saints win their home opener.

Miami @ Atlanta

TR: The Fish will fool some teams with, shall we say, alternative formations this year, and the Falcons could be among them; having said that, I’ll take Atlanta by three because their offense will compensate for any defensive shortcomings.

GC: This is an interesting game that I’m looking forward to. Can Miami repeat their winning ways? Will the Falcons Matt Ryan have a sophomore slump? The Falcons win this home game.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

TR: The Jags have beefed up at a position or two, but they are still no match for the weapons left in Peyton Manning’s arsenal. Caldwell as a head coach knows his team and he knows how to use it. Still, I expect a game. Jags keep it close-ish, only to lose by 10.

GC: I have no doubt that the Colts win this home opener by at least seven.

St. Louis @ Seattle

TR: Who cares? Okay, okay. Bulger’s broken finger is mended, but he hasn’t played since the first preseason game, and he isn’t loaded with targets anyway. Seattle improved itself tremendously with the addition of receiver Houshmandzadeh. Seahawks by 10, it says here.

GC: I’m not so sure about the Seahawks this year but then again I’m not sure about the Rams either; I’m going with the home team and will say the Seahawks win this one.

Washington @ NY Giants

TR: The Giants defense will have to work hard all season, so why not start in right away? Manning looks sadly target-deficient from this armchair, and the addition of Albert Haynesworth to the ‘Skins defensive line will pay immediate dividends. I know what you’re thinking, but I still say Washington by three.

GC: This is my upset game of the week. The Redskins will have just enough defense to steal this one away from the Giants.

San Francisco @ Arizona

TR: The Niners were about one Michael Crabtree away from moving out of the doghouse. I still think they have improved, but not enough to defeat Super Bowl runner-up Arizona. The Cardinals have had an inconsistent preseason, but they are good enough to win by seven.

GC: Who among you think that the 49ers have enough to take this game? Yeah, neither do I. Give Mr. Warner and the Cardinals their first win of the season

Chicago @ Green Bay

TR: So Jay Cutler has found a home in Chicago. He has a couple of toys to play with, so that should keep him happy for the first five minutes of this game. Still, this should be a close one as Aaron Rodgers has his way with the Bears defense. Green Bay by three.

GC: I usually never pick against the Packers when they are playing at home. I’m going to make an exception; Jay Cutler is going to be looking for a big win. The Bears are going to win this tough away game by a touchdown.

Monday September 14, 2009

Buffalo @ New England

TR: Does the acquisition of Terrell Owens help or hurt the Bills? Who cares? Tom Brady won’t let them have the ball long enough to find out; Patriots by 13.

GC: The Bills always worry me when they come to Foxboro. Yes I know they’ve got TO, so what. I’m happy Trent Edwards has a target to throw to. It’s not going to be enough. The Patriot will win the home opener convincingly with 14 points or more. Run up the banners, run up the score.

San Diego @ Oakland

TR: LT outruns the entire Oakland defense repeatedly, knowing he has to do it to back up his statements about Adrian Peterson. I hope he doesn’t hurt himself; Chargers by 13.

GC: The Raiders have made a lot of progress to pull them selves out of the cellar. The Chargers had a case of not living up to their potential last year. This game could be a real close game but I still feel the Chargers have to much fire power and will win this away game.

Look for these weekly picks as we will be adding and rotating different Patriots fans into this series.

My Patriots Team Will Stomp Yours Any Given Sunday

Glenn Card — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 10:32:30 -0400

I was going to write a politically correct NFL team-by-team analysis. I was going to try to be unbiased and point to the benefits and flaws of each team.

I didn't get very far.

It was only natural that I would, as an unapologetic homer, start with my team, the New England Patriots. After I looked at the Pats' roster and reviewed the preseason games, I looked around the rest of the league. I couldn’t find it in my heart to waste my time trying to think of something nice to say about any other team.

Long ago, my mother told me “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” With that sage advice, I have no choice but to speak about the Patriots' team and taunt the rest.

There are only a handful of teams that have the offensive potential somewhat close to the Patriots. I’ll give you all a hint of what you can expect from the Pats offense.

Watch out for the long ball, the short throw, the screen, and the throws to the flats. That is the Tom Brady effect with multiple and numerous targets.

Yes, I know, your team will try to pressure the quarterback. Look, if Brady is not marching the ball down the field with his arm, then watch out for up-the-middle, in-your-face runs. Or the off-tackle runs and the end runs, all from multiple looks from multiple runners.

How does your team scheme for a player? Which player would they scheme for? How will your team defend everything?

You’re going to be whining about the Pats running up the score...in the second quarter.

I’ll even go on to say even if everyone on the offensive squad went out onto the field with one arm tied behind their backs, your team will still have to play from behind.

Even if your team was able to build a 21-point lead on the Patriots, are you sure that will be enough to win the day? I’m convinced that it won’t be.

Of course, finding no fault with our offense, your natural course will be to question the validity of the defense. Come on, you're talking about a team guided by a defensive genius.

Honestly, the Patriots defense is going to be serviceable. Yes, there’s been a changing of the guard.

The Pats traded Mike Vrabel away and then our beloved Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi retired. We all hung our heads, but only for a moment.

When Bruschi announced his retirement, I can only imagine that perhaps he looked around the locker room at the defensive crowd that the Pats have amassed this year and decided that he was leaving his team in pretty good hands.

The defense will not have to be in the league's top 10. It only has to be decent in the beginning, with steady improvement through the season.

Yes, I know other teams have the Manning brothers and Donovan McNabb and Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger. I’m not saying that those guys aren’t really good quarterbacks; they are.

Notice I did say something nice.

It’s just when you are getting flushed and chased from sideline to sideline, by bovine huge defensemen and speedy quick linebackers and safeties, it’s hard to hit the other moving targets to make those 14 points that you need just to catch back up.

I’m the kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve, and I will be more than willing to take it on the chin if I am proven wrong.

Pick a Sunday, any Sunday—hell, make it any Monday too—and the Patriots are going to stomp your team.

Give Me the Sanctuary of the NFL

Glenn Card — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 12:23:59 -0400

It’s been a tough NFL offseason for me. From the time the Super Bowl ended then through the free agency announcements and NFL draft I’ve been waiting and anticipating the beginning of the regular season games.

Due to the many mandatory furlough days I have been required to take this summer I have had too much time to reflect on this offseason as I lay on the beach.

You see I have a small get away cottage on the Rhode Island coast.

It’s always been a sanctuary for me. A place separated from my work-week grind; a place where everything else is forgotten. No television and no phone service are allowed; I thought it was a good idea long ago.

It’s not a grand place; it’s just a beach shack really. But for 20 years now it’s been my Shangri-La.

Usually it’s only a place to change into our swim suits, cook and eat our meals and eventually lay our heads down for sleep in anticipation of the next sunny day.

I’ve spent a lot of time down here at the beach this year because of those said furlough days I mentioned.

It has not been the same this year. There’s been to much foul weather and not enough sun.

I’ve spent far too much time in-doors in this little shack. The 16 foot by 20 foot dimensions only allow for personal space of two feet around your immediate proximity when the whole family is down.

Normally it’s not a problem as on the good days everyone is either on the deck or already down on the beach where your personal space is really as large as you can imagine it.

Well, as I said the weather, for the most part, hasn’t been conducive to outdoor living.

It’s a family affair when we travel to the beach shack. But with the weather this year as you might imagine with the whole family cooped up in the cottage you start to get on each others nerves.

For the most part I get along with my mother-in-law but leave me sharing the same space with her for more than an hour or two and the verbal sniping starts. Once we get going our tones turn chilly and our mannerisms become combative.

It will get to the point where the rest of the family will demand that we both go to neutral corners of the room to prevent an unsanctioned UFC match between us. I’m dying to put her into a sleeper hold.

I love my kids but when you are this close to them on an hourly basis you really start wonder where you went wrong as a parent.

The boy, he’s normally away at college but of course he returns home after classes are done and that means he becomes a piece of useless furniture around the house. He’s like the chair that takes up way too much space and nobody can sit in, the one you can’t throw away because of sentimental reasons.

The girl as well returns from college wanting to share stories of college escapades that no father I know of would want to associate with their little girl. I finally told her write it all down and put the stories in a book form. Buy a large postal envelope and seal the book inside.

Mail it to me in about 20 years and then, maybe, I’ll be able to read through it without losing my mind.

Bless my wife for keeping me from going ballistic on them all. She understands me.

She’ll try to distract me by asking questions about the latest NFL trade talks or are there any rookie hold outs because contract agreements aren’t signed. Not that she even know what those questions mean.

She knows that it is in her best interest to talk me down and prevent the family scandal of having my picture plastered in the local news papers. She must have visions of headlines reading “Sports Starved Father Goes Berserk on Local Beach.”

Thank the NFL sports gods that summer is nearly over. The kids are back to college and the mother-in-law is back in the old folks home where she belongs.

I can get back to a real life; a life where I am not constantly looking for a break in the clouds so that I can step outside; a life that doesn’t include frozen drinks with cute pink umbrellas.

Fall is nearly here. The NFL training camp and preseason is nearly complete.

I can pack up and lock the door on this little cottage once more. I’ll be saying “good riddance” as I brush the beach sand from feet.

The hell with the beach, give me my NFL schedule and the television clicker.

Now that’s relaxation.

The Sports Science of Stirring the Pot

Glenn Card — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:05:07 -0400

So, here is a damn good question: How is it that when it comes to an implied affront to my sports or favorite teams I am reduced to a blithering Neanderthal?

Those are the guys that went extinct and did not end up being our ancestors.

What is it in the Homo sapiens' psyche that allows some of us to just lose our minds when it comes to sports?

First and foremost I would venture to say that it has to do with our social community; part of our mental link to the region where we grew up, or that in which we live and find ourselves most comfortable in our associations.

In other cases our admiration for a sport, team, or player may be strictly predicated on our personal affinity for the same. It could be attributed to our childhood pursuit of that sport, the glory and history of a team or the personal connection to a player.

The point being is there is a lot of psychology involved with the human condition and our love of sports.

In my own estimation, I am fairly educated, both formally and through life-long learning. I don’t have a degree in psychology or psychiatry. What I do have is an innate talent to stir the emotions of a sports fan's mind.

I am the self-proclaimed alchemist of sports literature.

Rather than work with chemicals in the attempt of transmutation of lead into gold, I mix and stir words in a written medium to create an atmosphere which inspires or incites a readers deep set feelings based upon his allegiances to the subject.

I draw on or denounce those allegiances in such away that the reader has little recognition of being manipulated.

In layman’s terms, I stir the pot.

Among us there are many talented amateur writers that do quite well in this art. These fellow writers would love that I announce a few of them to bring greater exposure to their work. But I must refrain at this time as their skills need honing.

The art of stirring the pot is to pose a situation in which you draw upon both appreciations and abhorrence from different sectors of your readership. The appreciation comes from those that fundamentally agree with your assertions while in the same prose you deeply offend the other segment of readers.

My primary goal is to gather those that agree close and use them to shield me from the barbs and aggressions of the other incensed readers as they furiously attempt to deride me personally.

As I weave my words, I intend to walk away unscathed.

The mask I wear is often a composite of humor, satire, and mirth with a touch of ire. It allows me to say most anything as it is posed as a joke.

If you are unable to laugh at the comedian's joke, is it the comic’s fault that you do not get the punch-line when others around you obviously do?

I tend to shy away from true math and statistics as my laziness prevents me from expending the energies needed to defend statements based on the mathematical model. Instead, I form my sentences with phrases and words meant to insult with couched opinions.

Again, as these opinions are folded into humorous observances, it is hard to attack the author directly. You see, it’s just a joke.

Self-depreciation is a component of the verbiage that is a valuable tool. In this you devalue your own worth; by doing so, it renders most verbal attacks useless in that they can say no worse about you than you already have.

On a subliminal level, the proponents of your work defend you as “just having a little fun,” whereas this only agitates the others onto further and additionally caustic retorts and a battle of words begins among the different camps through the comment threads.

As the “mix master,” you can safely reply to comments in a humorous or calm manner when needed to help the needling along. Eventually, you may even play the part of peace keeper to further confuse the ones who found your work so offensive in the first place.

It is the joy of creating sports comradeship on one side and dissension on the other.

It’s a masterful skill that I reserve for social sports settings.

For I am the Alchemist; when I “stir the pot,” I decide who or what I turn to gold and who remains on the scrap-metal heap.

The inspiration for this article came from the announcement of the new article tag, “Sports and STEM,” that has been created and promoted through the work of Dr. Giles and Leroy Watson. Although this work will not be tagged as such, I only wanted to highlight the thought that there is a tremendous amount of science in sports, whether real or imagined.

Patriot Fan Anonymous Members: You've Been Missing Your Meetings Lately

Glenn Card — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:08:55 -0400

I’ve been slipping lately.

I haven’t been to a PFA meeting in six weeks, and the cracks are starting to show.

My intervention occurred shortly after the season ended last year. It was brought to my attention that my addiction caused me to be abrasive and unyielding. It’s a disease that is detrimental to my health.

It’s not that friends and family were concerned, but it was my interactions with NFL fans not from the New England area that was causing great turmoil.

My “homerisms” were upsetting fans from the other 31 teams of the NFL. By spouting all things Patriot, I was alienating myself from the majority of the population of the rest of the world.

I was shown that through my diseased brain I was unable to recognize and accept several undeniable facts like the following:

Tom Brady is a second-rate system quarter back at best. Any other quarterback used in the same system would do at least as well, if not better, than Brady.

Bill Belichick is not really a genius—he’s only smart enough to make everybody think he is.

The fantastic near decade-long success of the Patriots is only due to the following reasons: inept referees calling bad penalties on opposing teams and never calling penalties against the Pats, freaky bad luck for opposing teams, and by cheating on the part of the Patriots.

So, I entered the program of Patriot Fan Anonymous (PFA).

We are not supposed to wear any of our team’s sports gear, as we need to avoid the rush of adrenaline and pride of donning a Patriots jersey.

We are supposed to collect all the team gear and memorabilia. You’re supposed to discard or destroy those items.

My favorite jersey went into the box, along with several other Patriot items. I was going to take the box down to The Salvation Army. I couldn’t wear any of the clothing anymore, but I thought they might warm some other hearts as they had done for me for so many years.

Cleaning out the closet yesterday, that same box fell to the floor and broke open. All the contents spilled out on the floor, and that jersey unfurled with its brilliant colors, covering all the other Patriot items in a most protective way.

It seems that I had put it away dirty though. I must have forgotten.

I could still smell the mustard from the very last bratwurst I had a season ago.

Mingled in the aroma was what must have been a slosh of Sam Adams beer that might have missed my mouth and got soaked up by the jersey as well.

I’ll admit that reminiscing about the past Patriot seasons is a reason to make a bee-line for a meeting. I didn’t go as I should have.

I intended on returning that jersey to the storage box. I only wanted to wash it so that it would be usable when I did finally make the drop-off.

I will admit that I enjoyed holding it—feeling that silky smoothness of the polyester fabric running through my fingers. As I said, the aroma coming from the jersey was enticing—it comes close to affecting me as much as my wife’s best perfume.

I did get it into the washing machine. But it was when I pulled it out of the dryer to fold it that I really slipped.

The jersey literally slipped right over my head, and my arms instinctively found the arm holes.The warm feeling it created in my heart as I expanded my chest by several inches is nearly indescribable.

I could swear the air I breathe is a little sweeter from wearing this jersey.

I knew I was in trouble, and I had to contact my sponsor, Terry Robinson.

Even though part of our recovery requires that we refrain from venturing into any NFL sports related Web sites, I couldn’t find his email address or phone number. The only way I knew I could find him was by logging back onto Bleacher Report.

I haven’t been logged on in a while. I navigated my way through my favorite links and was about to got to Terry’s bio, but I thought I would check out the New England Patriots' page. I tentatively used the mouse button to bring me to nirvana—I mean Hell.

All my favorite Patriot writers are still here: Good ole William Berry and Mike Dussault. They are still pumping out stories on our, I mean their, favorite subject.

There’s even some new writers like T.A. and Samer Ismail as true Patriot fans—I mean addicts.

But wait, didn’t I see all those guys at the PFA meetings a couple of months back?

That’s when I noticed that my sponsor is ranked No. 3 in the top writers on the Pats page.

I’ve been betrayed. They told me to stay away from here.

He told me this place was no good for me.

The communal fanhood of Patriot nation is not supposed to be good for my affliction.

By God, wait until after this season is over—I’ll personally be holding an intervention for each of them.

We’ll be going back to the meetings then.

Right after the Patriots win it all.

We’ll get help. I promise we will.

I Celebrated My 50th by Telling Myself, "Quit Your Whining and Get to Writing"

Glenn Card — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:16:12 -0400

I’ve written technical manuals, technical bulletins, and office memos which are devoid of opinion or humor. Since joining B/R I have written more for myself in the last nine months than I have in the previous 49 years.

It’s been a joy to write and comment on my favorite subject—sports.

For the 50th article I thought it should be special. It should be in-depth and well-researched. I should break out the slide rule and use a bunch of statistics.

Where to begin? Which sport? What subject?

Then I thought, "I haven’t wrote one of those yet, not once in the past 49 articles so what makes you think your going to write one now?"

My internal voice said, "Quit your whining and get to writing."

My writing has been cathartic. I have purged some demons. I also gave the voices in my head an actual written outlet.

Now, not only do I get to laugh at my own internal jokes, I have some real people laughing at those jokes too.

My wife tuned me out long ago; failed comic indeed.

My college-aged kids have asked me to stop spamming my article links to their Facebook pages; they’ve heard all my jokes, more than once.

My mother is ecstatic that I’m writing—in her mind I’ll be the next great American novelist; aspirations only a mother can have for her children.

But here, on B/R, I have a whole new audience.

I know it’s only a matter of time before my fans start turning away and rolling their eyes, but until then I shall relish in my new found vocal freedom. At least when they start rolling their eyes at me on B/R it’s not to my face.

Unfortunately, some of those fans have learned how to use the “Block User” button on me but I’ll name no names.

As I mentioned my wife ignores me most of the time but she did notice when I started writing here on Bleacher Report. She got jealous and swore I was having an online affair.

In a way she is correct. It’s a love of the written word and how I can manipulate those words.

I do have a mistress and her name is "Thesaurus."

Don’t worry; my marriage is intact as I love my wife as much as she loves me back. Besides, Thesaurus doesn’t laugh at my jokes either.

So my 50th article seemed like it ought to be a milestone. I should mark it well because I’ll only pass this way once.

It’s kind of like those historic markers that you see on the side of the road. You’ve seen those markers. They always read something like:

"George Washington stopped and slept here while on his way to Ticonderoga."

In my case it’ll read more like:

"Glenn Card stopped here to give his scooter a rest. He ate his peanut butter and fluff sandwich and then moved on."

I give no advice to the newer writers. I won’t be complaining about what B/R should or should not be doing.

No chastising the trolls. No hand-holding for the struggling authors.

This article is all about me and my 50th.

I know that sounds selfish but I’ve been kind to other online writers and my mother would be pleased. I also have been abrasive a time or two and for that she prays for me everyday.

I’m glad to be writing here, it gives me a venue for my fluff thoughts on sports.

So this is my 50th and I’m proud that I refrained from whining. To get this far you have to keep on writing.

The New England Patriots Are the Team to Beat, Again

Glenn Card — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:05:21 -0400

I’ve lived long enough to hear the words “Team to Beat” far too often. This time, again, everyone is saying it about my team, the New England Patriots.

I’ve been a fan of the Patriots long enough to hear the phrases associated with the Pats morph several times. I used to hear “Losers” then finally I heard “Playoff Hopefuls.”

I was actually happy when the Patriots rose to the level of “Playoff Bound.” My chosen team had arrived.

I haven’t suffered like the life-long fans from this area. I’m a transplant and I’ll bring my fan-hood wherever I go and bestow it upon the teams of my choosing.

Before now, the teams that I chose were always perennial losers. So for me, who suffered more, me or the teams that I chose?

To finally pick and support a team that went from the cellar to the penthouse was better spent money than if I had supported a psychiatrist the whole time instead.

I can imagine how those costly psych sessions would have gone.

Doc:

So you think that you bring a losing mentality to every team you support?

GC:

I was an Atlanta Falcon fan back in the '60s and early '70s.

Doc:

I’m a football fan and I remember that there were some outstanding dynasties that were the “Teams to Beat,” like the Dallas Cowboys and the Miami Dolphins. The Falcons couldn’t hope to compare to them back then.

It would be unreasonable to consider yourself as the catalysts for their poor play.

GC:

Sure Doc, but what about the Atlanta Braves? I was a fan of theirs too. It seemed like they could never string together any wins either.

Doc:

It wasn’t you.

GC:

Well how about when I moved to San Diego and started rooting for the Chargers and the Padres in 1980.

Doc:

As I remember the Chargers had winning seasons early on in the '80s.

GC:

Yeah but that went away as soon as I moved there.

Doc:

It wasn’t you.

My point being is you can convince yourself of anything if nothing ever changes for you.

The change for me came when they started saying the Patriots are the “Team to Beat.”

I walk a little taller. I sit a little straighter.

My bald patch is filing in. My teeth are whiter.

A winning attitude is everything.

Basically, I’m writing to all those fans of the other teams out there that are not the “Team to Beat.”

I only have one thing to tell you.

It’s not you.

The B/R Humor Page: My Top 10 Humor Writers

Glenn Card — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 13:39:21 -0400

Bleacher Report provides the amateur sports journalist a venue to voice their thoughts. Everyone has their favorite sports and we all tend to gravitate towards our favorite teams.

There is a special section for those writers who aren’t just about analysis, statistics and recaps. There is a place here for those semi-demented writers that need to have a few laughs with our sports.

I hang out on the b/r humor page.

That’s my writing niche. That’s where I rule.

Ok, Ok, this is where Shane Howard, William Berry and Kara Martin rule.

I kinda sweep up the crumbs and change the light bulbs.

Since I’m here all the time I figured I’d give the uninitiated some pointers for those who need a humor fix from time to time and let you know who my top ten favorite humor writers are. Besides, the humorist writers need a plug wherever they can get one.

Let me start with the current top five guys and gals and they swap positions from week to week. They are on top for a reason; they are funny and are among my all time favorites.

So, let’s bring out the clowns.

1: Shane Howard

Not only is Shane Howard the current leader on the Humor page he is also a Co-Community leader for the Wrestling section here on b/r. I’m not into wrestling too much, but I read Shane’s stuff because he is that funny.

If you are a writer and get his attention, his comments can be as funny as his own articles.

2: Rocky Getters

Rocky’s specialties are Cricket and Tennis but he will take some side steps into other sports. If you’re like me and don’t know the rules to cricket don’t worry the laughs don’t need any instructions.

3: William Berry

I envision William Berry as one of those intelligent angry comics, not like Jack Black but more like Dennis Miller. He’s a New England Patriots fan through and through and is usually in the top five in that b/r section as well.

Some of his humor is an acquired taste. At times, articles of his that I read will hit me 10 minutes after I’ve moved on.

4: Robert Orzechowski

I’ll just call him Robert for fear that I’ll never spell his last name the same way twice. Robert is all about Tennis. Definitely the guy to read if your looking for both tennis and laughs in the same article.

5: Kara Martin

Kara has recently been bumped up to Co-Community leader for the NASCAR Community. This was a bright and the right decision as she is our own NASCAR Nellie and the self-proclaimed “Queen of toilet humor.”

She can run a joke on you faster than Tony Stewart’s pit crew can change his tires. She is also another one who can leave you on the floor rolling with laughter with the comments she’ll leave on an articles thread.

With upper echelon out of the way let me point you towards the next five which are some other wickedly funny people.

6: Flattish Poe

She hasn’t gotten a lot of attention yet, but I predict that that this writer will find a permanent spot in the top five on the humor page very shortly. She’s an unashamed, unapologetic Philadelphia Phillie’s fan.

You can forgive her for that because you can count on a belly laugh or two every time you read her stuff.

7: Todd Civin

Todd is first a Red Sox fan and currently fills the top spot on that community page but he is a versatile writer and you’ll find his articles all over b/r. He does comedy just as well as anyone.

8: Bob Warja

This guy has been on b/r for a long time. Last time I looked his article count was well above 400.

He is the Community Leader for the Chicago Cubs. When he posts his article as humor, take the time to give it a read he won’t disappoint you.

9: Dorothy Willis

One of the “Grand Dames” of b/r, Dorothy loves her wrestling and tops the MMA community page. She is another senior writer that rocks the humor page when she decides to.

10: Eric Gomez

Eric writes about where he lives, San Diego, CA and their professional NFL and MLB sports teams. He is a Co-Community leader for the San Diego Chargers. But that’s not all; he also contributes to the World Football community.

He is a must-read humor writer

All of the writers listed above have multiple humor articles well worth checking out.

Here’s where I make my apologies.

There is a bunch of other writers that didn’t get mentioned only because I limited myself to 10.

Hey, I’m all about the laughs so if you think there is someone that deserves a read, now is the time to give a shout-out.

It's Spring, and the Patriot-Haters Are Back: It Just Makes Me Hermatile

Glenn Card — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 11:39:32 -0400

It happens every year. Every spring here in New England, just like the black flies that we have to endure, the Patriot-haters are out in droves.

They swarm you as you comment on those great New England Patriot articles. Heaven help you if you are the author of a Patriots tribute article or preseason analysis—you're going to be busy trying to brush them off and away.

They get to be a bit more than just a nuisance. Honestly, they just make me hermatile.

The buzzing they emit makes you swat at them, but they are always elusive. You’ve heard the buzz, “ZZZCHEATERZZZ”, “ZZZBELICHICKZZUCKZZ”, "ZZZBRADYZZKNEEZZZ", all in a nonstop whine.

Just when you think you have them squashed with a hard-callused hand, just like squashing a hater comment with a fully comprehensive, well thought-out argument, they squeeze out from underneath just to nag you some more: “ZZZPATZZUCKZZZ”

Is it not enough that we had to endure most of the offseason with a thousand “Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Donovan McNabb, Carson Palmer, and everybody else is better than Tom Brady” articles? Well hello, he didn’t play but a few plays from scrimmage last year. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out statistically everyone else had him beat last year.

The Patriot-haters are back to irritate us once again. You can recognize them almost immediately in the comment threads in your articles.

If you spot anything like, “Brady is overrated” or “Belichick is a cheater,” you might have a problem. If you see anything referencing “Tuck rule” or “Spygate” as a reason for the Patriots' success, then you know that you have an infestation.

I’m not sure what brings them out.

Is it because the NHL and the NBA have finished up their championship series? Is it because the MLB is in the middle of the doldrums of the season?

Those are the normal distractions that will draw the haters elsewhere. But here it is spring, and preseason will be opening soon. This is the prime hater season.

It’s gotten so bad the Farmers' Almanac is even starting to track and forecast the severity of the plague every year.

Unfortunately Patriots fans, this year’s prediction is pretty dim. Haters are projected to be excessively thick this year, and I don’t mean just in numbers.

I have some suggestions for those tried and true fans.

They say that ignoring haters makes them go away, but trust me, they are always hovering around, and as I said, they do swarm.

Mosquito netting is not effective. Bug spray can help toughen up your skin, but spraying it on your monitor won’t make them go away.

A bug zapper does no good unless you can figure a way to wire it to a hater's keyboard.

You’re just going to excite them by citing the Super Bowl statistics. They will break out some “what if” statistics on you that will spin your head if you try that.

The one true aid that I have found is to surround yourself with a few favorite diehard Patriot fans. Don’t go at it alone when you don’t have to.

Look, we don’t need to apologize for their team’s anemic offense. It’s not necessary to point out their head coach’s senior moments or Alzheimer fits. It’s not our fault that their quarterback is not qualified to carry Brady’s clipboard. But mentioning those things during a debate will draw a lot more haters, just like the pests that they are.

By the time the regular season begins, most of the noise will subside. Until then, are we reduced to just putting up with the haters?

They don’t listen to either facts or solid and sound analysis. They can only spew the drunken rantings of their bar room cronies.

I raise the rally cry to the Patriot nation: Man your keyboards and collect your verbiage.

We shall be locusts to the gnats and leave behind destruction in our wake.

I say hold! Hold! Do not shoot your one-liners until you see the whites of their eyes.

I call on all Patriot fans. I’ve had enough, and they have made me hermatile.

To Editors: Hermatile is not a real word yet. I figure if I use it often enough I'll get it in to Webster's Dictionary eventually. Hermatile: extreme and excessive bitchy behavior (not gender-specific). Further definition can be found at the following link:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hermatile

Not All of Life's Lessons Can Be Learned Through Sports

Glenn Card — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 14:55:38 -0400

Some kids specifically learn their lessons from parents and relatives; others get their mores through religion.

I’ll say it: Unfortunately, there are some children that are reduced to learning coping skills through sports participation and from sports idols.

There is some good and bad in that process, and I’m not here to condemn parents that allow it to happen.

There is not an instruction book that comes with the responsibility of raising a child. My only rule in raising my two children was “to be a better father than my dad was.”

I’m not saying that my father was bad, only that I thought that I could do a better job.

He was my only hero, my own personal demon, and thankfully my best friend before he passed away.

My father was a disciplinarian. He had been a career Army sergeant, giving him a clear decision process of what is right and what is wrong that left entirely too little wiggle room for grey areas. Trust me, I tested the grey areas and found that I was better off not testing the fringe.

From him, I learned a clear focus on what is good and what is bad behavior.

Eat all your vegetables. Work hard and do your best the first time. Don’t talk back. Play fair. Do not lie, cheat, or steal. Don’t start any fights but finish the fight if you can’t avoid it.

Those are only a few of the golden kernels that he left me with.

Did I pass those on to my kids in my attempt to be better than him?

Only time will tell.

This all leads me to how some kids don’t get the benefit of a two parent family or a single strong parental figure. Circumstances in life do not always allow every child the same starting points.

Children naturally gravitate towards sports. It gives them a release for their stored energy.

Along the way they learn the joy of competition and the satisfaction of winning. It can become a positive influence and feedback system.

Practice, hard work, and teamwork are good skills learned in the process.

Sadly, sports can teach the wrong things as well. Unsportsmanlike conduct, win at all costs, and cheating, to name but a few. In a twisted way these can gain a child positive feedback as well.

It’s not always wise to urge a child to emulate a sports figure. I could think of a number of athletes that seem on the surface to make great role models, like Nolan Ryan, Larry Bird, Billy Jean King, and Pele. There are many out there that you might hope your kids aspire to.

On the other hand, I can think of some athletes that at first glance seemed great as well; Mike Tyson, Pete Rose, and Michael Vick come quickly to mind. Honestly, I’m not to cool with Brett Favre or Michael Phelps at this point either.

As a parent, I would cringe to see those jerseys on my kids' backs or posters of them on their bedroom walls. We can not always rule or predict who children may look up to, but we can bring to light the repercussions of the bad actions those same athletes take.

I’m not passing judgment on the athletes. I’m not berating parents either.

The reality is, for most children sports are only going to be recreation, not a profession. If they are good enough to grow up and play professionally, then they are very fortunate.

I can only hope that those lucky few didn’t learn all their life lessons through sporting events on the field of play or from only idolizing athletes.

I don’t have all the answers and I won’t pretend that I do. All too often I have said something like, “Can you believe how so-and-so's kids were acting?” only to have that statement come back and bite me in the ass.

I just feel that it is in bad form to allow our kids to think that sporting figures have made all the correct life decisions just because of their fame. With today’s media exposure, we find all too often that an athlete’s heroics on the field don’t necessarily mean that they aren’t fools off the field.

Sports, like life, contains the same inherent good or bad that we can witness in the streets of any city or town on earth. Human nature can not be avoided.

We need to narrow the grey area of acceptable behavior for our children. I’ve done what I could for my children. I hope that in time they aspire to be better than me.

Maybe that is the fundamental lesson.

Be a better person than the one that preceded you.

Sports and the Unimportant: The Sports Statistics

Glenn Card — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:21:50 -0400

I understand statistics and I also understand how they are used to qualify and quantify the achievements of our favorite sports, teams, players or drivers.

There's sports statistics for everything. For race car drivers there's the lap lead statistics as well as average starting pole position statistics. There's ERA statistics for the baseball pitcher. For the boxer, he is defined not only by his win-loss numbers but also by the rounds he’s boxed and punches he throws as well as his KO wins. These numbers and statistics are then accumulated and used to judge how these athletes compare to their peers.

Athletes either gain admission to the sport's respective 'Hall of Fame' based on the hard numbers, or are omitted from it.

The accomplishments of some athletes, such as like Billy Jean King, Richard Petty, Arthur Ashe, Dr. J, Emerson Fittipaldi, Nadia Comaneci, are incredible and shouldn't be underrated. Invariably, the numbers of the aforementioned are the most impressive in their field.

But, what if we didn’t keep count?

There are many of us that follow an athlete based solely on persona. We care not what the numbers say.

I’ve heard my wife say “I like so-and-so because of his nice smile.” Or she’ll follow a team only because she "likes the uniforms."

It doesn’t make her any less of a fan. In many cases, she is more die hard than I am.

I might argue: “How can you possibly root for the Bengals? You’ve never lived in Ohio. You don’t know the names of any of the players. Besides, they have one of the worst rated defenses."

But her reply would simply be: “The orange and black uniforms are hot, that’s why.”

It would do me little or no good to whip out my American Football Statistics Encyclopedia. You can't debate against deaf ears.

There are fans that only love the winners, and they'll follow the winners by keeping count. There are other fans that follow perennial losers, not particularly by choice but because of loyalty.

There are fans that cannot fathom a game without the numbers, and others that only watch because of the personalities.

Me, I watched basketball for a couple of reasons: Larry Bird and his dogged determination, and Michael Jordan for his grace in how he made scoring points look so easy.

I watched baseball to see Roger Clemens pitch his way out of a jam, the way he always seemed to give up the early home-run only to settle in and eventually win the game.

I’ve enjoyed watching hockey with wonder to see how those guys stay up on two thin strips of steel as they zoom across the ice, using their skills to make shots on goal, or to see the goalie let very few pucks past him.

How about a finely-finessed head shot for a goal in soccer? Do we care what the statistical odds are against it being made?

When I’m jumping up and down on my chair yelling “GOAL!!!”, the only math I’m doing is figuring out the new score.

The truth is, sometimes when we are truly involved and fixated on our sports, statistic don't really matter that much.

Sports and the “Unimportant”: The Bleacher Seat

Glenn Card — Fri, 15 May 2009 12:27:33 -0400

If you’re not the richest fan sitting in the luxury boxes at the sporting venues, then you know me well. I’m the “unimportant” bleacher seat.

My official name is something like, “Section G4 Row 23 Seat 14.”

I’m also known as “nose-bleed.”

I’m not next to the aisle, not near an exit, and the bathroom is a seven-minute trek away.

I reside in constant shade despite the seasons of the year. I’m always in the dark with my neighbors, Seat 13 and Seat 15.

The shade is provided by the stadium around me. That and the five-foot wide structural support two rows in front of me that blocks 90 percent of the playing field from my view.

I’m reserved for that fan that either waited to long before paying for the price of admission or for the one that did not have the funds to pay for an unobstructed view.

It has been said that I only exist to provide ownership with a few extra dollars.

For the most part, I live a lonely life, as my location guarantees that my supposed occupant will spend most of the game wandering the stadium in search of another empty seat that has a view of the playing field. It seems that I have very good view of graffiti and used gum stuck to the back of a concrete column.

Even though I have been engineered and tested for a specific purpose, rarely does a rear end find my surface. It seems as if I am never used as a seat but as an end table or a coat rack.

The fans have no regard for my intended purpose, as they drop food stuff on me or spill beverages on me. More times than not, I’ll be used as a step stool as the fans raise their voices in a cheer.

It’s always the feet, never the rump.

I thank the maintenance crew; at least they’ll hose me down to remove the accumulated crud from me in preparation for the next sporting event.

From time to time, I will cradle a body. Sometimes a parent will place their child in my arms as my shady place can provide the little ones a place of peace.

Other times I will give that fan that over-did his beverages through the first half of a game a place to sleep it off through the second half.

There are others out there like me. We’re found in stadiums and coliseums around the world, catering to sports like rugby, soccer, baseball, and football, just to name a few.

The fans don’t hear us. They don’t know our angst, nor do they care.

The placard that I have riveted to me is permanent. It states my name, Row 23 Seat 14.

I will dwell in this “unimportant” position till time ends or until the stadium is demolished.

Sports and the "Unimportant": Baseball's Home Plate

Glenn Card — Tue, 12 May 2009 17:01:16 -0400

I’ve been thinking a lot about the rubber polygon at the apex of the baseball diamond known as home plate. The game of baseball simply revolves around this tiny stadium landmark.

It is treated with both respect and disdain. It is treated as both “unimportant” and as the ultimate goal.

The ball players address the plate as they approach when they take their turn to bat. It’s with reverence and a bit of trepidation that they step up to the plate.

The reverence is in acknowledging that this is both the beginning and ending point. The batters entire focus is in preventing the baseball’s flight path from being completed as it attempts to pass over this plate.

The trepidation comes in the form of failing to stop that ball from invading the home plate air space. Using the bat as an imposing and formidable weapon the player creates even more significant disturbances through the same air space the ball is trying to traverse.

In having failed in the air defense, that batter must remove himself from the presence of the home plate to the confines of the bench in pure rejection.

If successful, a batters launch of the ejected ball from over the plate, home plate must know the odds of seeing that player racing across its face again. Many men are there to protect the plate; all propose to prevent the batter from his intention of pounding his cleats onto that same surface for a scoring point.

The batters come and they go, but they are continual through the course of the game. The home plate will mark and remember their persona through the multiple visits.

The concierge of the plate is the umpire. The umpire will dutifully brush and clean the plate between batters or even between pitches as he sees fit.

The umpire’s job goes beyond just maintenance. He also serves as ambassador for home plate, imposing proper judgment requiring attitude adjustment by either the defensive or offensive players in all concerns to the plate.

Of course, the primary protagonist of home plate is the baseball pitcher; his projectiles that are hurled inches from the surface of home plate are like low-flying fighter jets on a mission.

For every batter that assumes air defense, the pitcher will endeavor to fire multiple balls past and over the plate. The pitcher and his accomplice, the catcher, continually assault the peace of home plate as they direct the flights of the ball over it.

During a game, it is both the beginning and the ending and the primary focus. By the end of a game, the home plate has been pampered, beaten, defended, and stomped on.

All because it occupies a very small, “unimportant” piece of real estate.

Manny Ramirez: You Used To Tick Me Off, Now You've Made Me Hermatile

Glenn Card — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:47:06 -0400

Manny, go ahead and tell me again. It’s just Manny being Manny. That phrase has turned out to be synonymous with “stupid is as stupid does.”

Instead, now we find maybe it’s nothing more than Manny being juiced.

As a Boston Red Sox fan, I was glad when the front office of the Sox organization finally said enough is enough. Despite the player’s production, management traded the prima donna away.

I was at the front of the line with my salutations: goodbye, good riddance, adios, au revoir, ciao, hasta la vista, sayonara. Watch the door on your way out.

Oops, that wasn’t the door—it was my boot.

I could have written an article about your hermatile tendencies throughout your career with the Red Sox. Instead, I get to applaud the fact that you are no longer part of Boston’s worries.

I’ve railed against drug use in sports, whether that were steroids or performance enhancers, and I’ve played devil's advocate on the subject to get a better understanding of the issue.

But this article isn’t about drug usage other than how your selfish nature has allowed you to use questionable or “banned substances” while in the employ of another Major League Baseball team, the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The team who actually saved you from your own greed this offseason to bring you back to Los Angeles. But again, Manny being Manny, you have transcended the smaller stage of the individual teams that employ you.

The national stage spotlight is where you prefer to reside. In this day and age, with so much attention being focused on drugs being used by professional athletes, did you figure the MLB would give you a pass if you ever got caught?

I would say I hope you will learn a lesson, but your ego would never allow you to admit culpability and your 50-game suspension will only hurt your team and the fans.

Your excuse? The doctor gave me the medication that had banned substances in the chemistry.

If your millions cannot secure the services of an exemplary physician that can help you avoid the full list of banned substances, then I have no hope for a competent doctor at my local HMO.

Still, there are fans that will come to your defense and they will make convincing arguments that you are just being persecuted. Those same fans will stand by your side no matter what Manny says or does.

I’m not quite as blinded as that.

You have shown me once again that you are incapable of appreciation for your fan base. The sad fact is that you care not for those who are at the root of your salary, the fans.

It’s always been all about Mercenary Manny.

For that selfish act alone, you make me hermatile.

To Editors: Hermatile is not a real word yet. I figure if I use it often enough I'll get it in to Webster's Dictionary eventually. Hermatile: extreme and excessive bitchy behavior (not gender specific). Further definition can be found at the following link:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hermatile

Let the Battle to Become a CBSSports.com NFL Correspondent Commence

Glenn Card — Wed, 06 May 2009 16:52:19 -0400

That’s it. The gloves are off.

I’m not writing for rankings anymore. I’m not writing for laughs.

I’m on a mission.

Bleacher Report has announced that a vetting process is in place for 32 CBSSports.com NFL correspondents for each football team.

I’ve read the Job Description. I’ve submitted my application.

I am the next CBSSports.com correspondent from Bleacher Report.

Then I read the Assignments.

OK, so maybe I’m not the next one but someone will be.

If you haven’t checked it out yet then simply click the big, "Apply now” link at the top of the page.

The window that pops up walks you through the job description, the application and the assignment articles that will lead up to a decision.

I know a few fans/writers here that should give this a go. You wanted a chance to write for a living; opportunity does not knock any louder than this.

It’s a seven-month commitment to cover your NFL team of choice and get paid for it. Fandom doesn’t get any better than that.

Unfortunately, I can not commit for the time frame spelled out and I shall miss out on this opportunity.

So instead of competing for a position I am looking forward to the quality of work that will be submitted and which I’ll be reading on B/R in the near future.

So those of you who dare, sharpen your pencils and may the best fans win.

Your NFL Draft Day Checklist: Game On

Glenn Card — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:34:46 -0400

The NFL Draft weekend is upon us—are you ready?

We’re hours away from the second-biggest football event of the year. This weekend is of interest to rabid homers and bandwagon NFL fans alike.

Free agent signings are one thing, but there’s nothing like getting the chance to peek into the future of the league through the choices our teams make on draft day.

Some of us have spent days preparing for the main event. Some of us left nothing to chance and got to work a month ago.

In case you started a little late, however, here’s your checklist:

1. Check your cable or satellite connection before you go to bed.

You don’t want to wake up on draft day and find out the only thing you can get on your TV is snow. Call your buddies the night before and verify their connections as well, in case a last-minute change of venue is needed.

If you’ve isolated yourself from the rest of humankind through your never-ending draft yammering, then you’d better have an AM/FM radio backup.

2. Double-check the Internet connection in the viewing room.

You’re going to want to log on to Bleacher Report to see just how many articles get posted in between every pick.

3. Make sure your VCR, DVD recorder, or TiVo unit is working.

If you’ve ever tried to find recordings of previous drafts, you know NetFlix and Blockbuster don’t carry them.

So make your own. On the flip side, copyright laws do apply, so forget about making versions for your friends without the expressed, written permission of the NFL.

4. Have a plan for the wife, girlfriend, or significant other to go out shopping for the day.

Answering 20 what’s-going-on questions during a game is a lot different than answering 200 who-is-that questions during the draft. If you’re like me, you need to hear yourself think, and the distraction of a football novice just won’t do.

Fork over your wallet and the car keys, and save yourself some aggravation.

5. Keep the beer chilled, but remember this is a two-day event.

You need to remember to pace yourself.

You can’t pound the brews as fast as you do during a regular-season game, or you’ll be conked out and drooling on your chest halfway through the first round.

I follow a “one chug per pick rule.” If you have friends enjoying the spectacle with you, consider a house rule barring drinking games until the last pick of the day.

6. Snacks and meals are a must.

Most of us have several meals precooked, portioned, packaged, and frozen. I’ve set up my mini-fridge and microwave next to my Barcalounger, so I don’t have to stray too far from my clicker.

If you didn’t get the chance to plan ahead, then a package of Oscar Mayer bologna and a loaf of bread can get you through most of the picks.

7. Have your mock draft and an updated draft-eligible rankings list on hand.

Maybe your team will actually get some of its picks right this year.

8. Get stopwatch or egg timer.

You can’t rely on the televised timer in between picks.

Just think about how many times officials have to reset the clock during the games. Somebody is always goofing up the timekeeping, and draft day is no exception.

9. Clear a path to the bathroom.

If you’ve ever had to do the 100-meter hurdles to the restroom when you needed to go, you know that every stumble and bump along the way is a potential hazardous waste site waiting to happen.

As a rule of thumb, you have a 20-second window after you start the “pee-pee shuffle” before the situation shifts from "must-go" to "outta my way.” Plan accordingly.

10. Have a large quantity of Asprin, Tylenol, Motrin, and Midol close at hand.

As sure as you’re reading this, your team is going to waste a pick, leading you to throw a migraine-inducing fit. Preemptive measures can be taken to prevent this—as long as your team doesn’t mess up too often.

Try not to dwell on the millions in guaranteed money your team will give away to draft day busts. It’s great when your team makes the right choices, but understand that seven out of 10 picks don’t make it into starting rotations.

Remember, draft weekend is all about the dreams of future glory. Enjoy.

John Madden, You Will Be Missed

Glenn Card — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:43:53 -0400

John Madden has officially announced his retirement. At 73 years of age, he has spent the better part of his life in and around football.

After playing football through both high school and college, he was drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1958 in the 21st round. Unfortunately, a knee injury in the preseason ended his pro career. He transitioned immediately from player to coach, working at the college level up until 1967, when he was hired as a linebackers coach by the Oakland Raiders.

On Feb. 4, 1969, Madden was named the head coach of the Raiders. At 32, he was the youngest NFL head coach at the time. Madden never had a losing season as a head coach, and though maligned as not being able to win the big one, he did get his Super Bowl victory in 1976. He ended his coaching career with the Raiders after the 1978 season.

Madden was welcomed into the CBS football announcer's booth at the beginning of the 1979 season. He continued in a commentating capacity and eventually ended up announcing for most of the major networks—CBS, NBC, ABC, and FOX.

I was nine-years-old when Madden accepted his head coaching position. Essentially, I grew up on Madden. I cursed his Raiders team as a teenager and then laughed and enjoyed his “Maddenisms” throughout his broadcast days. I spent a lot of time playing Madden Football into the wee hours of the morning during the offseasons.

Madden will forever be associated with football much the same as Howard Cosell and Pat Summerall.

I missed him recently during Monday nights. I’ll miss spending Thanksgiving with him. I wish to thank him for his long service to the game and my enjoyment of it.

John, enjoy your retirement.

A List of Things To Do over the 11 Days Leading Up to the NFL Draft

Glenn Card — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:48:15 -0400

I have friends that fret for me every year around this time. In years past, I have been forced to take a day to go see my general medical practitioner.

I even have been dragged down to see a physiologist.

No, I’m not crazy. I follow defined steps that help to prevent any psychosis.

I have a plan that I use and have decided to share it with my fellow fanatics to help keep us all sane.

Day One—Wednesday

Produce your mock draft. There is plenty of time to sit down and go over the draft rankings again. Who’s rising, who’s falling? Compare the list to your teams needs. Then go back and look at the placement of where your team picks compared to the other 32 teams.

Now acting in proxy of the Vice President of personnel and the Head Coach for every team, go back down the list and make the picks that you think those other teams should make. You can spend a full day of research on the top 100 and still not have all the answers for your team.

Day Two—Thursday

Log on to all your sports links and review everyone else’s mock draft and compare how your draft holds up to theirs. Trust me this will take you well into the wee hours of the morning as you will see that you need to make adjustments to your mock draft because it has become obvious that everybody else wants your players and they pick before you.

Day Three—Friday

It’s a good idea to go check the police logs and make sure that none of your teams current players have any new arrests or pending court appointments. Draft adjustments might need to be made if you find that half your team has made their acquaintance with the local police force. More times than not, those run-ins have nothing to do with charitable events.

Day Four—Saturday

Catch up on some other sports, watch a baseball or basketball game. You might even turn on that fishing program just because it features a couple of your team's offensive linemen, only to get pissed off because you find out that they are better fishermen than they are blockers.

Day Four—Sunday

Make sure you read the Sunday sports section in your newspaper. Log on and check out the Facebook pages of your draft picks. If they have Twitter accounts, go and check and see what they’re doing.

Day Six—Monday

Now is the time to go back down the draft list and look for some late round sleepers. There is nothing like watching a sixth round pick win a starting position on the team through their preseason play. There’s got to be a few of those guys out there that you can pick up for cheap money.

Day Seven—Tuesday

This would be a good day to give your draft list a rest and go shopping. It’s a great time of year to go hit the bargain stores for last year’s sports attire. You know it’s time to give last year's jersey a rest. Don’t forget to tell your boss that you won’t be in on Friday. You need that extra day for preparation.

Day Eight—Wednesday

Again, you need to take a day of rest. By this time, your significant other will be at their wits' end with you. Go shave your face and comb your hair, and remember to say nice things. Remember, you need to win some bonus points to be able to watch the draft in peace.

Day Nine—Thursday

Go over your draft picks one more time. Check your team’s web page and see if there is anyway that you can upload your picks to the General Manager, VP of personnel or Head coach. They really need to see what you’ve put together, otherwise, they are bound to get it wrong.

Day 10—Friday

Grocery day, there is no way that you are going to make it out tomorrow so you need to stock up with the necessary condiments and beverages today. Don’t be stingy and make sure that you will want nothing the day of the draft. Don’t forget to set your alarm for an early wake up.

Day 11—Saturday

Draft day is here. Get up and eat a good breakfast. You might want to set up a draft board, if you have a dry erase board at home, then you're all set. If not, then you might want to see if you can borrow one from the neighbors.

You can easily do this in Excel on your computer, but I prefer the big visuals.

If you’ve invited friends, then make sure that they have arrived before you lock the doors. Lay out your meals and beverages. Don’t forget to grab a couple of boxes of Kleenex because you know your team is going to make a wrong pick or that is bound to reduce you to tears.

Pace yourself, if you make it through the first day of the draft and the beverages and food stuffs hold up, you can make it through Sunday as well.

Hero Or Villain: No Winners In The NFL Network Vs. Comcast Feud

Glenn Card — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:32:48 -0400

If Comcast and NFL Network don’t make up and come to an agreement before May 1, 2009, then the only way you’ll be able to see any of the eight scheduled NFL Network games is to subscribe to satellite provider DirecTV.

I have no great love for the cable companies, as for years they have held their customers in contempt and continue to overcharge us for their service...or lack of service, in many cases. In this day and age, they are a necessary evil.

I have Comcast as a cable provider, but only have “Basic Tier” programming and therefore do not receive NFL Network access. I was forced to try watching a NFL Network-covered game last year through the NFL.com website, and I was less than impressed.

There was far too much coverage of the announcer’s analysis and little or no coverage of the game. The NFL Network needs only to observe how FOX, ESPN, NBC, and CBS cover games in order to get a clue on how it should be done.

In my opinion, the NFL Network is not ready for prime time.

Additionally, I’m not looking forward to the NFL Network gaining any more clout. The network is not about increasing the quality of production for the fans or the viewers; it’s about increasing the size of the bankrolls in their pockets.

The NFL figured out why the other networks are willing to bid and pay for the rights to promote and cover the games. It’s the income from the advertising dollars that has drawn the NFL into creating its own network.

With their own network, they only have to pay for the overhead of production costs to gain a larger share of the advertising revenue. If you were to ask me, they are not spending enough on production costs yet.

With this venture by the NFL, we can further understand why Roger Goodell is pushing so hard to clean up the product image. Advertisers prefer that the product vehicle be above reproach in order to appeal to the largest target audience.

What exactly does that mean? The show can’t be too messy and it can’t upset the viewers. Advertisers hate to hear the consumer finds that a production that advertising dollars were spent on is offensive in some way. The threats to pull the advertising results in an effort make the production more politically correct, more pleasing to the consumer.

It becomes a little more apparent why rules are being changed to tone down what has always been a brutal game. Big game hits are being frowned upon as much as big player egos. We wouldn’t want to offend anyone watching.

What the NFL didn’t expect is that Comcast would balk at paying additional expense for the NFL Network more than they do for other network broadcasts. The NFL wants to treat Comcast like all the other networks and expect them to be happy to carry NFL games, despite the cost.

Well, all I have to say is: NFL, you have met your match when it comes to greed.

Now this issue is being played out in the court of public opinion in a he-said-she-said opposition. We as the fan and consumer are beseeched from both sides to lodge our complaints with the other offender.

Personally, I feel the cable company owes me from long years of abuse.

As for the NFL Network, I couldn't care less if I ever watch another televised game on their network. As a longtime fan, I detest what the creation of the network has precipitated in the morphing of my beloved sport.

I fear that the slow transition that is being implemented into this sport eventually will leave it as a pale watered-down facsimile of what once was the great game of football.

I care not for either side in this dispute, because either way it goes, the fan is the loser.

NASCAR Fans Have Been Earning Physics Degrees And Don't Even Know It

Glenn Card — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:45:23 -0400

There isn’t a NASCAR fan out there that doesn’t know that science is what gets their favorite drivers around a race track at 190 mph. They just might not know that science intimately.

A newly-released 12 module online educational video series called “The Science of Speed” that was announced at Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth, Texas this past weekend could change that. The sole intention of the series is to get science students in high school not just interested, but excited, about science.

The production of this educational series was completed through the coordination of NASCAR, University of Texas at Dallas Physics Professor Diandra Leslie-Pelecky, and Sante Fe Productions, Albuquerque, N.M. Professor Leslie-Pelecky is also the book author of "The Physics of NASCAR."

If you were to sit back and think about it, the race cars that are put on the track today are all about physics, geometry, and aerodynamics. Leslie-Pelecky is also a NASCAR fan and she actually did some thinking about it.

The professor walks you through the basic concepts of many sciences with the help of crew members from several of the well-known racing camps of Hendrick Motor Sports, Roush Fenway Racing, and Earnhardt Childress racing, among many other teams. These talks cover safety, sound, friction, and other physics branches that are required to make those race cars move at high speeds.

And you thought it was just a spectator sport. Now we know NASCAR racing is nearly as sophisticated as rocket science.

You can learn more about Professor Diandra Leslie-Pelecky and her book, "The Physics of NASCAR", at http://www.stockcarscience.com. You can learn more about “The Science of Speed” at http://www.science360.gov

Pete Rose: Another in a Long Line of Flawed Sports Heroes

Glenn Card — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:58:18 -0400

This is the second article in the “Flawed” series exploring the habit of naming our sports icons as heroes. It has been said, convincing heroes have tragic flaws.

Through these articles, I look at different sports, focus on a few of the time-honored “heroes,” and attempt to reveal the flaws that make them endearing to their fans.

By looking at their flaws, I question the “hero” mantle that we tend place upon them.

Dusty Rhodes

I grew up in Georgia watching Rhodes as a masterful wrestler, a champion, and a pioneer of the sport.

He was dubbed “The American Dream” among other flamboyant titles.

Clearly, his flaw is that he was an athlete in an entertainment venue, not quite sitcom and only part reality show.

I don’t doubt for a minute Rhode’s, or any other wrestler’s athletic abilities, and I would not care to get into a ring with him.

Michael Phelps

Olympic record-smasher, world champion swimmer.

We, as a human collective, have never seen a swimmer like him outside of Mark Spitz, who, we were sure, was the ultimate swimmer.

Phelp's flaw is living the lie that everybody has his back.

Michael, you are a nice enough guy, but damn, you’ve got to spend a bit of your money on some people who will really watch out for you.

I’m hoping he can bounce back from his latest faux pas and get back into the water.

Kyle Busch

Busch is race car-driving prodigy from a family with a racing heritage. Could he be the next big thing?

Racing is clearly in his blood.

Ask the racing fans what Busch’s flaw is and they'll tell you: The guy is a man-child.

I'll get hermatile sometimes and write a rant. But Busch would rather throw his fits out in the open with an audience, and on television no less.

Here’s a hint for you Kyle: Try waiting until you get home, then lock yourself in a room and pitch your fit.

Tiger Woods

Arguably one of the greatest golfers ever, when Woods is on the course, the question is always, "who’s coming in second?"

If I were to point out his only flaw, it would be that he makes playing golf look way too easy.

The sport is not quite as fun to watch when I’m expecting him to win every week.

Brett Favre

Green Bay Packer fans will forever speak of "the iron man" with reverence. He gave the entire region reason to cheer during football weekends.

Flawed? Don’t even get me started.

He has said “retire” more times than my wife has said “hot flash,” and neither one of those terms mean it's a good thing.

Finally, this year it looks like he means it. But then again, we’re not even close to preseason yet.

Pete Rose

Rose was the kind of baseball player that everyone wanted to love because he was the epitome of the “everyman."

He was the “Joe the Plumber” of baseball, and he was damn good—a Hall of Fame player that may never be inducted.

Rose's flaw was being just like everyone else I know. We love our sports, and sometimes we put a wager on the outcome.

The only baseball player at the time who seemed to enjoy sliding head first has gone through most of his life leading with his chin.

Again, this is but a sampling of the different sports and their icons. I invite you to share your thoughts on other flawed sports idols.

By scratching the surface of the hero persona, we allow a bit of reality to leak out. With that we can begin to see that these and other sports personalities are but flesh and blood, made with the same material as their adorers.

Our Sports Heroes and Their Flaws

Glenn Card — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:27:58 -0400

I can not remember where I read or heard it first, so I can not properly cite the person for the following statement. All convincing heroes have a tragic flaw.

I know that this is starting to sound like a contemporary literature lecture. I only wanted to explore this phrase in conjunction with sports heroes.

Now personally, I refrain from describing sports stars anything loftier than idol but I am aware that many fans hold their favorite athletes up to that standard of hero. So in keeping with that definition, I took it upon myself to identify the tragic flaw of a few of those same athletic heroes both new and old.

Michael Jordan: If you ever saw this man play the game of basketball then you know that he was something special on the court. I could even compare him with the Greek god Hermes, as you could swear he wore the winged sandals which gave him his hang time.

What was his tragic flaw? It became apparent to me that the man had spent much of his playing time in underwear two sizes to small. I’d be trying to jump out of my drawers too if they were too tight and were cramping my style.

It makes perfect sense why he now hawks goods for “Hanes.”

Curt Schilling: There could be some argument here from many other Baseball fans but in the Boston area, you can say no wrong against him. His bloody sock has been enshrined and he is a Red Sox hero.

Have you seen this guy? He just does not have the looks for a hero. Yeah, he’s kind of tall, but the only six packs you would expect on this guy would be in a Styrofoam cooler he’d be toting under his arm instead of a pitcher's glove.

Curt makes the case that anyone could be a hero.

Wayne Gretzky: Also known as “The Great One”, he is said to be the greatest hockey player of all time. The recipient of a number of multiple awards and reigning multiple record holder in NHL, he is said to have revived the sport of hockey single-handedly during the time that he played.

There’s not much that I could find to say as a flaw for Wayne. Because we share the same ethnic background, I’ll just say, who ever heard of a Polish hero?

Wayne is another preeminent example that anyone can be a hero.

Mike Tyson: “Iron Mike” was 20-years-old when he first won the WBC world heavyweight boxing title, the youngest boxer ever to win that title.

This is one hero that had multiple and glaring flaws. From marital issues to spousal abuse, and ultimately a conviction for rape, shows that his hero status was misplaced. He did have his fall from grace and has never been able to redeem a semblance of decorum.

Let’s just say he bit off more than he could chew. He turned out to be a false hero rather than a flawed one.

David Beckham: Soccer isn’t really my sport and there are only a couple of soccer players that I can name. If he got my attention, then I know that I’m just a true soccer novice compared to his substantive worldwide fan base.

OK, what’s with the hair? I’ve seen him with more do’s than my wife. Now that’s a flaw if my wife is more decisive with her hair than he is.

The truth be told, if I had his money who knows what I’d be doing with my hair, that is other than trying to re-grow it. Getting a little bald patch right back...uh, never mind

Peyton Manning: He is one of the NFL’s elite quarterbacks. He’s been the league MVP a Super Bowl winner and SB MVP and is rightly revered by his Indianapolis fans. On top of that, he’s an all-around nice guy.

I’m afraid that his flaw is his brother Eli. He might be stuck in one of those sibling rivalries; "whatever you can do I can do better" kind of things.

Peyton’s got a Super Bowl win; Eli’s got a Super Bowl win. Peyton does a commercial, Eli does a commercial.

When they do a commercial together, Eli is the better actor. It’s a case of one-up-man-ship that may follow Peyton forever.

Richard Petty: Nicknamed “The King”, he is said to be the greatest NASCAR driver of all-time. There are a number of good drivers today that will never come close to half of what Richard accomplished throughout his racing career.

What’s he hiding under that hat? The man goes nowhere with out his Sunday bonnet.

I can’t remember the last time I saw him without a hat, and what’s with the feathers?

Even at his age, I still wouldn’t challenge him even to a foot race.

Those are just a quick few of the sports icons that I could have picked on. I know I’ve missed more than a couple of sports and a boatload of athletes.

I’ll leave it to you to tell me of the flaws that you have spotted with your heroes.

I also know that I may have upset some people, but before I get hate mail, let me say I commonly make fun of and laugh at myself; in other words, I’m flawed as well. Besides that, your hate mail just gives me more material to work with.

My flaws are a big part of who I am.

I don’t expect to call any athlete a hero because that sets the bar a bit too high. They are athletes, and they may be sports idols, but their flaws are part of who they are as well.

When we use the hero stamp on our athletes we need to be keep in mind that they are flesh and blood as well.

The Possible Future Expansion Of The NFL “Brady Rule” Is Making Me Hermatile

Glenn Card — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 23:00:25 -0400

The continuous yearly rule changes are making me a bit angry, no really; it’s making me hermatile.

The NFL and all the team owners decided it was time to institute some more rules to protect the quarterback from serious harm. One of the newest rules is termed as the “Brady Rule.”

Yes, I know that quarterback salaries are expensive and everyone is only trying to protect their investments. I know it’s hard for a team to redeem a season if the quarterback gets hurt.

In basic terms, the rule implores the defensive player to refrain from trying to wrap up the quarterback once they have been blocked to the ground.

If we stop and consider the recent and current rule changes, we can extrapolate out the possible rule changes that we will see instituted in the future.

Let us skip ahead a few years, into the not too distant future when the NFL establishes the “Quarterback personal space rule”?

The quarterbacks personal space is defined the entire area surrounding his person equal to the distance of his outstretched arms. Obviously, there will be some minor inequities in the enforcement of this rule, for those quarterbacks that don’t have as wide a wing span as others do.

The true caveat to this rule is that it carries a penalty for both the defense and the offense. Any infringement of the quarterback’s personal space by the defense will be an automatic 15-yard penalty and a first down.

The yellow flag can also be thrown on the offense. How many times have we seen the quarterback get stepped on at the line of scrimmage just after the center hikes the ball or when a running back careens over the quarterback during a flubbed hand-off? These acts will now generate an offensive infraction the personal space rule.

This version of the rule will carry a positive five offensive yard walk off. I know, I know, you’re thinking, how does that gain the offense five additional yards when it’s against the offense.

It’s all in the intent of the rule to protect the quarterback at all costs. It simply does not make sense to penalize the offensive team when the player who has been fouled is on the offense, and that is why it was decided that a less restrictive five yard version of the rule should exist.

Again, it is expected that some inequities will become apparent as the quarterback that has a lack of finely tuned motor skills will be more apt to be stepped on or run over by his own teammates. The owners are counting on recruiting those quarterbacks.

One team can pursue that superstar quarterback capable of passing for 4000 yards a season, while the next team can opt to spend far fewer of their dollars on an uncoordinated, yet fully capable, quarterback that can tighten up the positive yard production gap by receiving upwards of 1500 personal space infraction yards.

The beauty of the implementation of this rule is its direct relationship back to the NFL’s original push to create league wide “Parity.” It will be a game changing rule modification.

The genius behind this rule change is the fact that owner’s costs of signing quarterbacks will eventually come down and be comparable to many of the other team position salaries. How can you justify the cost of a superstar quality player when you can get nearly the same production out of a clumsy one?

The idea of "Parity" is to even the odds. It is in the best interest of the team owners to have the appearance of fielding a possible Super Bowl team every year.

In this way, the League and teams generate maximum revenue year in and year out. There should be no rebuilding years; the age of dynasties will have passed.

The mediocre shall reign supreme. Every year, every team should consider themselves in the hunt for a championship ring.

We can all see how this is a win-win situation for nearly all concerned.

The League will be happy that they will have finally addressed “Parity” in an observable result from a rule change.

The fans would be happy because they can always look forward to a new season and know that their team has a shot. Stadium attendance should be at an all-time high on a consistent basis.

The Owners should be happy because the days of inconsistent quarterback quality will be all but eliminated. And, of course the stadium attendance will be up.

Me? I’m going to be a little upset that I was born a couple of generations too early for this rule change.

I can stumble over my own feet as well as the best of them. With this rule to help me, in my own pedestrian way, I could have been compared to Brady or even Manning.

With the handicapping that this rule will provide, I could’ve been a football star; but now, because it’s too late for me, it makes me a little hermatile.

To Editors: Hermatile is not a real word yet. I figure if I use it often enough I'll get it in to Websters Dictionary eventually. Hermatile: extreme and excessive bitchy behavior (not gender specific).

Additional articles in the Hermatile series:

Anquan Boldin, Why Are You Getting All Hermatile?

Stories of Steroid Usage in Sports is Making Me a Little Hermatile

A NASCAR Fan Is Reborn, but I'm Still a Little Hermatile

I Will Take All the Marbles

Glenn Card — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:35:58 -0400

We had some athletic activity choices for our grade school recess period, but not much. There was kickball (early Americanized soccer), tether ball, tag, swings, and seasonal touch football games.

There is one other sport that is not as popular today as when I was a kid. The main sports equipment for the game is probably not allowed in a lot of schools anymore because they could be used as projectiles.

I’m talking about marbles.

Your daily activity was dependent upon your dalliance with lunch. If you knew that a strong kick ball game was in the plans, then you ate on the fly to get outside to the playground.

Teams were picked early and the game ran until the bell rang.

Tether ball was a bit different as you usually had this planned out with the school buds you were eating lunch with. Still, there were no guarantees that you could walk right outside and play.

The tether ball apparatus is really simple. It consists of a pole approximately five to six feet tall anchored at one end either permanently in concrete, or mobile by being concreted to a automobile wheel and tire. To the top of the pole you would have a rope tied and the other end of the rope would be attached to a ball much like a volley ball.

The game is between two players with the object of the game to hit the ball past the opposing player to wrap the rope around the pole so many times until the ball comes in contact with the pole. Of course one player is trying to wrap the pole clockwise while the other is attempting to wrap it counter clockwise.

The point here is that every school had its semi-pro tether ball players who you would have to challenge and win before you could play with your buds. More times than not you and everybody else would end up playing against this one guy all recess long.

Tag was a hit or miss game.

It really depended on whether or not I felt like running my ass off all recess or not.

The swings were pretty much where the girls hung out. Unless you were sweet on someone, then as a boy you usually weren’t welcome.

Romance was encouraged, but loitering was not.

The football games were seasonal because early in the year during the fall that was what was on television for sports so that’s what we played.

Usually two things brought about the end of its option as an activity. One, the season ended. Two, somebody invariably would get injured severely enough for a parent to complain and the footballs would be confiscated.

When all other outdoor activities were exhausted there was still marbles.

Every kid I knew had a bag of marbles. You could have a pick up game anywhere, anytime.

Marbles is a game of skill, power, finesse and strategy. But only requires the ability to hold and flick a marble out of your hand with a thumb.

You could be deathly ill with multiple broken bones and still be able to play marbles. About the only thing that could prevent you from playing would be if you had broken both of your thumbs.

Every kid carried or had close to hand his little bag of jewels—his marbles.

The styles of marbles were like an assortment of jewels. The names were as varied as well and everybody had their favorites. There were Shooters, Cat eyes, Boulders, Pee-wees, Aggies, Galaxies and my all-time favorite, Steelies.

My dad was a mechanic and a good sized ball bearing was a Steely. So, I always had access to those little gems just for the asking.

The variations in the game were only limited to the imaginations of youth.

You could shoot for distance or precision. There are games of power and of skill.

As long as you had room to shoot and keep track of your marble, you had a playing field.

Usually the game would have some component which required you to try to hit your opponent’s marble with yours. That’s why I preferred the Steely.

I would be shooting with power and looking for a marble chip with a hit. Sometimes you could split a marble and, on that rare occurrence, you could shatter a marble putting that player instantly out of the game.

The one constant in the game was whoever won the game got to keep all the marbles that were used in the game. The games usually ended with a bargaining period where the losers would dip into there bags to barter for the return of their favorite marble that might have been lost in the game.

Yes it was a kid’s game and we didn’t continue those games after grade school. High school was for real football, basketball, or baseball. That or hanging out by the swings.

So a favorite sport is lost to maturity.

You might say that marbles doesn’t qualify as a sport, but I would disagree.

First I’d point out that somehow golf and bowling qualify as sports—why not marbles? Sure the rules are a little ambiguous but then again, I can’t understand half of the rules for golf.

It has all the components you find from other sports. Skill, strategy, ability, and sometimes luck. But the end results is someone stands triumphant.

It saddens me that kids don’t play marbles anymore. Part of it may be that they could in an odd way be considered as weapons or we don’t allow kids unstructured free time anymore.

It makes me wish that, as a kid, we would’ve had the foresight to log our competitions back when I was in Bayville Grade School. The stats I must have compiled.

I may not have been the greatest marble man but I was easily the Hank Aaron or Joe Namath of marbles.

There’s a tree in that school yard that has my name carved into it.

And you know what?

I can still take all your marbles.