Bleacher Report - Articles by Ian Sheaver

Passing Fancy: How F1 is Set to Change in 2009

Ian Sheaver — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 09:33:58 -0500

There has been a democratic crisis in Britain lately, a travesty that has threatened to undermine the very fabric of our society. Half the country was up in arms about it, including my wife, and believe me, you don’t want to be getting her dander up.

So, what is it that has caused the ordinarily calm and rational British public to foam at the mouth with scandalised indignation? Is it the fact that we are living under the rule of an unelected prime minister, bent on ruining the country’s economy before he loses the next election?

No. It’s Strictly Come Dancing. Specifically, Mrs. S has been getting her knickers in a twist over John Sergeant (no, she’s not suddenly developed a worrying infatuation) it’s the fact that he was, until this week, still in the contest.

Now don’t worry, I haven’t suddenly developed a fondness for wearing spandex and sequins, but I have caught a few glimpses of the former BBC political editor’s…er… unique performances when Mrs. S has strapped me to the sofa (don’t get excited – it wasn’t for anything enjoyable) to watch Strictly Come Prancing: It Takes Two with Claudia Winklepicker.

I especially liked the bit where he stomped across the dance floor, dragging his beautiful young dancing partner along like a sack of Maris Pipers. It’s just priceless entertainment. And the good old British public have been voting for Mr. Sergeant in their thousands, and not supporting other contestants who do actually have a modicum of talent.

Which is where my view differs from the wife’s. She seems to be under the misguided delusion that this is a dancing competition. It isn’t. It’s a popularity contest.

People love to be entertained, so no matter how badly he danced, or how irate the judges got, or how many appalled headlines the Daily Mail printed, he was voted back in week after week, and by no small margin, either.

This is true democracy in action.

Now, you’re probably wondering what kind of tenuous link I’m going to make to Formula 1 this week. Well, it’s there, but you have to look really hard to see it. Trust me.

A few years ago, Bernie Ecclestone and his friends from the FIA realised that there was a problem developing in F1. And the problem was Michael Schumacher. He couldn’t stop winning.

No matter what anyone else did, he’d always end up being the guy in front when the chequered flag fell. In some respects, this was great news.

As far as the FIA are concerned, there’s nothing more important than a strong Ferrari in Formula 1. Nothing except money, that is.

The plain fact was that ticket sales were down. TV revenues were also dropping, as advertisers would not pay the exorbitant amounts that Bernie demanded to display their products and services during ad breaks.

A large part of the problem was the lack of overtaking. Some races would go by without a single on-track overtaking move.

The FIA had made some half-hearted attempts to spice up the show (ensuring new tracks had at least some overtaking places and were wide enough) but these did little to improve the action.

People were voting with their feet and turning away from F1. There, you see, I told you there was a link.

The FIA eventually had to concede that the problem wasn’t just the tracks, it was also the cars. Something radical had to be done, or the sport would be in serious financial trouble.

It was already well-known that the wake turbulence caused by an F1 car was the problem. A following car could not get close enough to attempt an overtaking manoeuvre without losing downforce and running wide (or crashing).

The FIA had never actually conducted any studies into the science of overtaking. Just how does air move around a car, and what influence does this have on the car following? Nobody really knew.

To find out, the Overtaking Working Group (OWG) was set up late in 2006. With a budget of half a million euros, Paddy Lowe of McLaren, Rory Byrne of Ferrari, and Pat Symonds of Renault set to work to find the optimal car configuration to improve overtaking possibilities.

In the latter part of 2007, they submitted their findings to the FIA, and these results form the basis for next season’s revised technical regulations.

These changes broadly cover three areas: aerodynamics, Kinetic Energy Recovery Systems (KERS) and slick tyres.

The aerodynamics for 2009 are radically different, and the first shots of the new cars have not been met with much enthusiasm from fans. In fact, here are some of the responses, taken from an F1 forum:

“The most hideously out of proportion mistake I've ever seen.”

“Looks more like a poorly designed F3 car from 10 years ago.”

“If this is supposed to be progress, then you can keep it!!!”

“You have to be joking, right, that looks terrible. Bloody clown car.”

“I know some designs grow on you, but I know an awful looking pup when I see one”

“Looks like they got Top Gear to design it!”

“My eyes...my eyes...it burns.”

So you see, the ’09 car isn’t exactly what you would call a looker, but the changes are necessary. And if it radically improves the racing, we may learn to love them, after all.

The rear wing is much narrower than on the ’08 car, and 15cm higher. This configuration significantly reduces the upwash of dirty, turbulent air from the rear wing, but increases the inwash of clean air from the sides. This is a good thing. It increases the downforce for the following car.

The flat floor of the car is largely unchanged, but the diffuser has been moved back a bit to increase the inwash of air.

The front wing is lower and 40cm wider than the ’08 wing, a whopping 1.8 metres in all. Think snowplough and you’ll get the idea.

Having determined that the centre of the wing is most susceptible to wake turbulence, this area is now "downforce neutral," in other words, flat. The front flap is also adjustable by three degrees to give a little more grip when overtaking in a corner, but can only be altered twice per lap.

Overall, the new aerodynamic regulations were designed to reduce downforce by 50 percent, but in practice it will probably be nearer to 30 percent.

KERS was one of the biggest talking points in the F1 paddock last season, and possibly the most overly-hyped piece of technology since the Sinclair C5.

Basically, the Kinetic Energy Recovery System stores energy created under braking so it can be released as extra horsepower for a few seconds.

This will give the driver an extra 80 horsepower to play with, but can only be used for 6.7 seconds. Nicknamed a "push to pass" button, that extra bit of oomph should help a car to get closer to a rival on a straight, if it works.

While testing the new system earlier this year, a BMW mechanic received a powerful electric shock, and there have also been two battery fires.

The system is optional for 2009. Toyota have already said that they won’t be using it until mid-season, and several other teams are having problems with the new technology, most notably Ferrari.

The weight of the devices is also an issue. Typically, a KERS device will weigh around 35kg, which will have a significant effect on the distribution of ballast.

Still, it’ll keep the tree huggers happy.

The only new thing that has received almost universal approval from everyone in F1 is the return of slick tyres. When grooved tyres were introduced in 1998 for safety reasons, they were designed to reduce the amount of rubber in contact with the track, forcing the cars to enter corners more slowly.

The effect on lap times was negligible, though. But it did succeed in making overtaking more difficult.

Since the contact patch is now higher (the bit of rubber in contact with the tarmac), tyre degradation will be lower. Bridgestone have said that they will be using softer compounds next year to improve grip levels even further, but one thing bothers me …

Have Bridgestone lost their marbles? No, this is not a slight against the Japanese people. I’m talking about the small lumps of rubber that F1 tyres shed throughout a race.

If the tracks continue to be as slippery off line as they have been, then no amount of changes to the cars will make overtaking easier. In fact, I was so concerned about this that I contacted Bridgestone about it.

I’m still waiting for an answer, which doesn’t sound very promising.

One final thing to bear in mind: reliability. F1 engines will have to last for three races next year, instead of two.

So let’s put all this together. Imagine the situation at Silverstone next year (black flags hanging from the BRDC clubhouse, marshals moaning that they’ll have to commute to Donington next year, listless banners proclaiming "Save Our Silverstone," etc).

Lewis Hamilton is chasing down Felipe Massa in the closing stages of the race. As they enter the Priory/Brooklands/Luffield complex of corners toward the end of the lap, the reduced wake turbulence from the Ferrari and extra grip from slick tyres allows Hamilton to get much closer than he would have last year.

Hamilton tweaks the front wing angle for that extra bit of front end grip and they enter Woodcote, the final corner, nose to tail and are onto the pit straight.

Massa hits the KERS button to pull away from Hamilton, but the world champion is already in his slipstream, and activates his own KERS five seconds later.

After 6.7 seconds, Massa’s KERS power dies and his speed drops back. Massa jinks left to shake the McLaren, but Hamilton has the momentum and outbrakes the Ferrari into the Copse right-hander, and is through.

But then his aging engine blows up two laps from the chequered flag.

Still, that’s racing.

This is one example (not very likely, I know) but it does illustrate the possibilities for overtaking and for genuine racing. It may not be the perfect solution, and the cars may be as attractive as Ann Widdecombe with a hangover, but perhaps, if we’re very lucky, Formula 1 won’t just proclaim to be the foremost racing series in the world; it really will be.

This could be the FIA’s finest hour.

And as for John Sergeant, he’s thrown the democratic process into turmoil and quit Strictly Come Prancing.

He said that there was a real danger of him winning the contest, and that would be taking the joke too far…

If only Max Mosley would follow his example when the next FIA presidential election comes up.

F1 and the FIA: Of Monarchs, Despots and Dodgy Stewarding Decisions

Ian Sheaver — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 09:59:35 -0500

I have finally figured out why the UK has gone to the dogs. It’s taken 41 years, endless hours of painstaking research and a not inconsiderable amount of constipated cogitation, but I finally have the answer.

It’s the Queen’s fault.

Yes, the wicked witch of Windsor, that Satan in a sun hat, is responsible for all our nation’s ills. And I’ll explain why.

Before she began her reign of terror, we’d just won World War II. The Third Reich had been vanquished forever and we could look forward with pride to a glorious future. Britain would once again be the world’s foremost superpower.

Okay, the country was essentially bankrupt and poverty was worse after the war than it had been during the conflict, but these things were bound to happen.

Then, in 1952, this heinous woman was swept into power. And that’s when it all started to go a bit pear-shaped. Mods & Rockers would pile down to Brighton and imaginatively redesign the seafront (usually with baseball bats and a length of sturdy chain) whilst simultaneously kicking the crap out of each other, before jumping back on their Vespas and trundling back to London.

The teenager was born.

With Britain’s youth out of control, the Queen took decisive action: she went on a cruise.

In the 1970s, with the economy in tatters, our automotive industry the laughing stock of the world and the winter of discontent looming, she just had to do something …

So she went on another cruise.

Then things really started to turn nasty. Prince Charles, heir to the throne, decided it was time to stop cavorting on beaches with nubile young native girls in grass skirts and got married. Then he got divorced.

Prince Andrew got married, found his wife having her toes sucked on a sun lounger, and promptly got divorced.

Princess Anne got married, turned into a horse, and got divorced.

The Queen gave a speech, something about a horrible anus, and flew to Australia. After 50 years she had finally realised that you could get away from Britain far more quickly by plane than by boat.

So you see, the Queen’s the problem. All these things have happened on her watch. Thank goodness the British parliament has been there to keep her in check.

I say we get rid of her. Who’s with me?

I’m not talking about regicide; that would be a bit extreme. But we could become a republic. It’s been done before by Oliver Cromwell, and Charles I didn’t do too badly out of it...right up until that unfortunate incident with an axe, when his head and shoulders decided to part company.

France is a republic and there’s never been any problem there. Okay, I know that Corsican megalomaniac with height issues declared himself emperor and tried to take over the world, but that was just bad luck.

Then you have the Democratic Republic of Congo. There aren’t any problems there, are there? Ah, civil war and genocide. Good point, well made. So what about Afghanistan, that’s a republic? Sudan? (Sigh).

Well, maybe the Queen hasn’t done too badly after all. Perhaps it’s because we do have a parliament separate from the Monarchy. Could this system of checks and balances work elsewhere?

Which brings me nicely on to the FIA.

The last couple of seasons have been quite a hectic period for Max Mosley and his colleagues at Place de la Concorde. After a year of controversy in 2007, with the ‘spygate’ scandal and accusations of a "witch hunt," we were looking forward to starting this past season with a clean slate.

Instead, we started the year with "spankygate," as Max’s proclivity for a spot of S&M hanky panky with five prostitutes hit the headlines.

When it went to court, Max won his privacy case against the News of the World. He also won the confidence vote at the FIA. Well, he designed the voting system in the first place, so it’s hardly surprising.

A lot of people were disappointed by these outcomes, but few were surprised. Max Mosley has always been extremely adept at manipulating people and situations.

Apparently it’s perfectly normal behaviour to hire five hookers, dress them up as prisoners and whip them while barking out orders in German. Nothing odd about that.

“Ah,” said Max imperiously, “she needs more of zee punishment.” Course she does.

And as a final twist, it turned out that one of these ladies was the wife of an MI5 agent. You really couldn’t make it up!

And then we had the F1 stewards. Ah, bless ‘em. They’ve certainly been up to some mischief this year. 2008 has seen some of the most bizarre stewarding decisions in the sport’s history.

For example: In Australia, Felipe Massa was released from his pit into the path of another car. No action was taken.

In Valencia, the same thing happened, and he received a 10,000-euro fine.

The same thing happened for a third time in Singapore, and he received a drive-through penalty.

The same thing happens to the same driver in three different races, yet he receives three different stewards’ decisions. Not surprisingly, people started asking questions over the consistency of race stewards’ decisions.

Then we had "chicanegate" at Spa-Francorchamps, where Lewis Hamilton gained a place (from Kimi Raikkonen) by cutting the chicane, gave the place back, then retook the place at the next corner after going right around the back of Raikkonen.

Even though race director Charlie Whiting twice told McLaren that the move was acceptable, Hamilton was given a post-race 25-second penalty.

Everyone other than Ferrari and the FIA were up in arms over this decision, but even after an FIA hearing, the penalty stood.

I say everyone, but most of the drivers agreed with it. Envy is a terrible thing. Fernando Alonso even said post-race that he thought it was a fair punishment, even though he didn’t know what the offence was.

The Japanese Grand Prix took stewarding incompetence to new levels, though. Hamilton was given a drive-through for forcing Raikkonen off the track at the start, even though, if they’d bothered to look carefully enough, it was Kovalainen who forced his fellow Finn to go wide. This was the first instance of a first-corner incident warranting a penalty in the sport’s history.

And then, the icing on the cake was a penalty against poor old Sebastien Bourdais for having the temerity to be in Massa’s way as he exited the pits. Shocking.

So, following these, and other dubious decisions, many inside and outside the sport have called for greater consistency in the administering of penalties.

In particular, there were calls for the same stewards to officiate at every grand prix, one of them being a former driver.

The FIA carefully listened to these suggestions …

… and promptly ignored them.

Instead, they’ve made some amendments to the rules regarding stewards.

New stewards will have to observe at least one grand prix prior to becoming a steward. One. ONE? I’ve just worked out that I must have "observed" around 400 grands prix. So where do I sign up?

The race stewards’ CVs will be published before a grand prix. That doesn’t mean anything. My CV says that I’ve been an astronaut, a race driver (obviously) and an Alaskan cod farmer. Everyone lies on their CVs, don’t they?

Written explanations of stewarding decisions will be published after the race, and video evidence used will be made public. Can’t wait for these.

“Car No. 1 recklessly led from pole to flag. 25-second retrospective drive-through penalty. Car Nos. 3 & 4 promoted to first and second.”

Ah, but that brings me to the next point. They can’t do that any more. Decisions have to be made during the race, where possible. Only when further evidence is needed will a decision be deferred.

A step in the right direction, then, without giving anyone exactly what they want. But it should, the FIA hopes, be enough to keep the teams quiet, and stuff the viewing public.

Here is the problem with the Undemocratic Republic of the FIA. There is no balance. No one to say, “No, we can’t do that. What if we compromise and do this?”

What if the president of the FIA were to go mad? What happens then? He may be happy to marry a chicken, discuss philosophy with mushrooms and behead anyone whose team name begins with ‘Mc’ (which, frankly, is being a bit Scottishist), but it also means he has free reign to destroy the sport with his certifiably bonkers ideas. Standardised engines, for instance.

Maybe King Max needs a prime minister. I could do that. I’ve seen loads of races. That probably makes me immediately ineligible. The last thing the FIA wants is someone who knows anything about F1.

So maybe having a monarchy isn’t such a bad idea, after all. It’s worked pretty well for Britain. We haven’t had any despotic megalomaniac leaders lately (not withstanding Margaret Thatcher), no recent civil wars and no genocide that I know of.

If only the FIA could see it my way.

If you have any comments, please address them to:

The Chimp at the Top,

North West Tower

The Tower of London

London

EC3

I think I can hear the axe man sharpening his blade already, so you’d better make it quick.

Fomula One's Local Hero: Lewis Hamilton And The Stevenage Enigma

Ian Sheaver — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 10:27:30 -0500

There are a trio of small towns in northern Hertfordshire, all interlinked, all interdependent. The first is Letchworth Garden City. Now, some important information. If you want to wind up one of the locals, just call it Letchworth – it sends them completely potty. Don’t ask me why, they’re all a bit peculiar up there.

Next is Welwyn Garden City. To nark these local townsfolk is even easier. Just refer to the place as Welwyn Garden City New Town. Say this to a local and you’d think you’d just asked to sleep with his granny. Or his poodle.

Both of these towns were built in the early part of the Twentieth Century, before Hitler had decided to do some redesign work on the south of England.

So this brings us to the third town: Stevenage. Unlike the two neighbouring Garden Cities, this civic monstrosity was not designed as a carefully thought out modern Utopia. This is a million tons of steel reinforced concrete moulded into a shape which almost perfectly fails to please the eye. From the hideous town centre to the endless retail parks surrounding it, there can be few other places outside of Soviet Russia that succeed so effortlessly in totally failing to instil a sense of harmonious community, and instead engender a feeling of hopeless despair.

Apparently, Manchester is the wettest place in England, but I don’t believe this. Experience has taught me that it must surely be Stevenage. It’s uncanny. Every time I go to this ruddy hellhole it’s raining. It can be the most beautiful balmy summer’s day, but I guarantee that as soon as you arrive in the town, a cloud will bubble into life and deposit its contents right on top of you – and usually without any warning.

Though this does go some way towards explaining why Lewis Hamilton is such a demon in the wet.

So from this landscape of deprivation and decay emerged one of the greatest motor racing talents of the era. In two years of racing he has clocked up nine wins, twenty-two podiums and thirteen pole positions. Not bad for that wayward kid from Stevenage.

But he hasn’t forgotten his humble beginnings. Oh no. After clinching the F1 drivers’ championship with the most nail-biting, butt-clenching season finale in the sport’s history, he didn’t set off for the Maldives, Bali or the Bahamas with his pop star girlfriend Nicole Scherzinger. Nope, he took her back to his parents’ house in Tewin (just outside Welwyn Garden City) for some of his stepmother’s roast chicken.

Sweet.

Nicole must have been thrilled.

“Hey baby, you wanna find a nice, quiet beach so we can set our pulses racin’?”

“Nah, I fancy some chicken. Hope Linda’s doing parsnips. And Paxo. And roast potatoes cooked in lard. Yummm…”

“O-kaaaaayyy.”

After dinner the Pussycat Doll must have been even happier when Lewis shunned a night of being treated like royalty at any club in the land and took her to see the Shephall council estate where he grew up. Stevenage may be a little down at heel, but it’s not exactly South Central Los Angeles.

“Yeah, we’re cruisin’ with da crew down da Stevenage ghetto.”

Call me old Mr Picky, but it doesn’t quite have the same panache, does it?

After that he took her to the flicks. It’s a little ironic that they went to see Quantum of Solace, the new Bond movie. Odd title and an odd decision, until you consider that it means a little bit of peace and quiet. Very fitting. I hope the irony wasn’t lost on him.

This is the difference between modern F1 drivers and their counterparts from yesteryear. James Hunt wouldn’t have been content with just one Pussycat Doll; he’d have all five. And he’d bring his Alsatian along and a supertanker of whisky.

The next day, Lewis was at the McLaren Technology Centre for the big welcome home and congratulations all round. Even Steve Ryder was roped in as host, complete with wobbly microphone and bouffant hair.

Lewis was surrounded by his trophies from the last two seasons as he gave a little speech, thanking all the McLaren and Mercedes people crammed into the ‘Lauda Dining Room’. But he wasn’t prepared for a letter of congratulations that was read out by Steve Ryder. Suffice to say, Her Majesty was awfully pleased. Lewis, bless him, was gobsmacked.

All in all, a pretty good week for young Mr Hamilton: F1 World Drivers’ Champion, the adoration of the nation (well, most of them, anyway) and a Pussycat Doll who likes roast chicken.

You do wonder, though, whether he nipped back to his home town that evening to burn it up around the car park of the Roebuck Retail Park.

You can take the boy out of Stevenage, but you can’t take Stevenage out of the boy.

An F1 Fan's Review Of The Brazilian Grand Prix: View From The Sofa

Ian Sheaver — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:19:34 -0500

Is it safe to come out from behind the sofa yet? To say that was exciting is something of an understatement. It was exciting in the same way as being stabbed is exciting, and almost as uncomfortable.

As sporting drama goes, that one will be right up there with Johnny Wilkinson’s final kick in the Rugby World Cup in 2003, or England’s win at Edgebaston during the 2005 Ashes series.

Coming from Britain, and from Hertfordshire, and from very near Stevenage I must confess to being a teensy-weensy bit partisan, but I will try to be fair and reasonable in this review.

GO LEWIS!!!

There, now I’ve got that out of my system, we can put it behind us and move on.

The weekend started much the same any other, with Mark Blundell and Steve Ryder looking like they were standing in an Asda car park.

Blundell was spouting his usual little pearls of wisdom like, “I fink McLaren mis-underestimated the Ferrari pace.”

My personal favourite came after the end of qualifying two, when commenting on Sebastian Vettel’s performance. “I’m astounded by that, I didn’t fink the Toro Rosso had that kind of pace. How much fuel he’s got on board, we’ll have to wait and see.”

Has he not been to an F1 race before? How much fuel would you expect someone to carry in the second qualifying session? Still, I suppose he was distracted by all those gleaming F1 cars, and wishing he could still get into one. Looking at him now, he’d have a job getting into a Mondeo.

Meanwhile, Steve Ryder merely looks on sagely while glancing down at the script held three feet away (time for that trip to Specsavers, Steve?) Steve Ryder’s an odd one, with his smart Matalan blazer, cheeky open-necked shirt and wobbly microphone, you always get the feeling he’s a bit out of his depth.

In case we needed reminding, pantomime season is just around the corner (for overseas readers, British pantomime is an excuse for minor celebrities and has-beens who don’t even warrant a mention in 'Heat Magazine' to cross-dress and make complete idiots of themselves in front of hundreds of people). On the diamond screens, every time an image of Lewis Hamilton was displayed the crowd would boo theatrically, but when Felipe Massa appeared the local crowd would let out a hearty cheer. Perhaps they should have shouted, “He’s behind you …”

David Coulthard had spent the whole weekend sporting his shiny new white-liveried car with matching overalls and grinning from ear to ear (literally) at all the attention. Trouble is, he just looked like the F1 equivalent of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased). After being punted off at the first corner by Nico Rosberg, that’s what’s happened to his career.

All the families were there for the big day. Felipe Massa’s dad was a picture of suppressed haemorrhoids and trying not to look too much like Danny DeVito. Anthony Hamilton could be seen scowling at the back of the McLaren garage most of the time, mustering a pained grimace when asked to smile for the cameras. And Lewis Hamilton’s latest squeeze, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger, seemed to spend the whole weekend bouncing up and down whenever a camera appeared – which was most of the time. She obviously had a lot of faith in that orange dress (Maybe she pinched it from the Dalai Lama).

So the scene was all set. Massa and a pleased-as-punch Trulli were on the front row, with Raikkonen and Hamilton just behind. Riding shotgun for Lewis in fifth place was Heikki Kovalainen (You know, his team-mate. Lewis has a team-mate?). And in sixth place was the joker in the pack: Fernando Alonso.

But he wasn’t the only joker. Oh no, we also had the weather, which decided things looked a bit boring so tossed a few weathery buckets of rain over bits of the circuit. After a ten-minute delay so the teams could run back to their respective garages and grab some intermediate tyres, the race got under way. The traditional Brazilian first corner prang was provided by Nico Rosberg who bumped David Coulthard from behind, spinning him round to whack Kazuki Nakajima. Rosberg and Nakajima survived, but the unfortunate Scot was out of his final race in F1. We all wish him well.

The track quickly began to dry out and after a few laps everyone ducked into the pits for dry tyres. Massa resumed his lead, followed by the wily Alonso and Raikkonen. Hamilton found himself down in seventh, but soon despatched Trulli and Fisichella.

The rest of the race then followed a fairly predictable pattern, until six laps from the end when the rain returned. All the frontrunners pitted for wets, leaving the order Massa, Alonso, Raikkonen, Glock (who hadn’t pitted), Hamilton and Vettel. As Kubica unlapped himself, Vettel slipped past Hamilton and put the Englishman down to sixth. All was lost as they tiptoed around the last lap until …

“Desperation starts to creep in for Hamilton,” an agonised James Allen wailed.

But then …

“Is that Glock?” asked Martin Brundle. “Is that Glock slowing?”

Timo Glock came to the rescue, his dry tyres hopeless in the wet conditions. Hamilton slipped past to take fifth – and his first World Championship. It was the kind of climax to a race that comes once every couple of years – if you’re lucky. It’s virtually unheard of as a season decider.

Phew!

Felipe Massa drove a faultless race, but it wasn’t quite enough. As he crossed the line he didn’t know whether he was World Champion or not. There was no point asking anyone in the Ferrari garage, they all thought he was. For the Hamilton fans, Danny DeVito’s face was a picture: elation turning to desolation in just a few seconds as realisation dawned.

Hamilton, for his part, didn’t know either until he was well into turn one on his in lap. But Nicole knew. She bounced right out of the McLaren garage and into the pit lane. Damn, that dress was robust.

After the race, Lewis was completely spent and could barely speak. Either that or he just couldn’t be heard over the boos from the Brazilian crowd.

A fabulous race and the perfect end to such an intense season. Well done to Martin Brundle for spotting Timo Glock getting passed two corners from the end. No one else seemed to see it.

Also, well done to the stewards for not interfering with the race and allowing the result to be decided on the track.

Well done to Felipe Massa for such a convincing win, and for running a dignified campaign (Sarah Palin take note).

And finally, well done Lewis Hamilton. Local boy done good, after all.

Number Crunching With An F1 Fan: How F1 Is Facing An Uncertain Future

Ian Sheaver — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 08:39:30 -0400

I’d just like to say that, for the sake of the world, I am never going on holiday again. Don’t get me wrong, Mrs. S and I had a great time at our villa in the Greek islands last month, but every time we go away the economy goes to pot. No, really. Last year while we were away, Northern Rock ran out of funds, collapsed and went cap in hand to Mr G.B. Taxpayer for a big wodge of government cash.

This year, the day after we arrive in Crete, XL Airlines goes to the wall. Followed by another in France. And another. And another.

This was just the start, though. With all the inevitability of a house of cards, an angry ten-year-old and a cricket bat, the world banking system came crashing down.

You see? It’s all my fault. That’s why I can never go away again. Who knows what might happen next time.

You may call it superstition; David Coulthard has his lucky underpants (after 14 years in F1, they must be getting a bit ripe) and Alex Wurz has his mismatched boots, but nobody laughs at them. Okay, they do, but I just can’t take the risk.

So how is this global economic meltdown that I’ve caused affecting Formula 1?

Let’s pretend you’ve got a nice shiny new F1 team, all pristine and ready to go. The only problem you’ve got is a distinct lack of the folding stuff (cash, readies, wonga, spondulicks). What are your options? Well, sponsorship is the most obvious source of income, those garish logos that adorn all the other shiny cars.

During prosperous times, major global brands are only too pleased to subsidise these 200mph billboards. But during leaner periods these high profile benefactors tend to evaporate, and with them their capital investments. Most teams use this method of funding, the only exceptions being the two Red Bull Teams.

The Williams team is currently in the most precarious position. With no billionaire owner and no engine partner, the Grove outfit relies largely on its sponsors to fund its operations.

The problem that Williams has is that two of its major sponsors are Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) and the Icelandic company Baugar Group (owner of Hamley’s). RBS has recently been partially nationalised as part of a rescue package, and it is likely that it will soon seriously curtail its sports sponsorship, and F1 will probably be the first to go. Remember, Bernie Ecclestone and the Labour Party "have history."

And as for Baugar, the near complete collapse of the Icelandic economy makes the support of any company that uses the krona slightly less dependable than a Spanish Rolex.

Another tried and tested way of funding your team is to be a billionaire owner who uses his car to raise the profile of his own brand (Dietrich Mateschitz of Red Bull and Toro Rosso, and Vijay Mallya of Force India). The only problem with this method is that it follows the law of diminishing returns.

These uber-rich individuals aren’t in F1 for the love of the sport; to them, F1 is simply another form of advertising their products. During a recession, when their sales dip below the point where the team becomes a burden, they’ll be off faster than you can say “a pint of Red Bull and Kingfisher, please.”

TV rights represent another significant source of revenue, which is shared among the teams through Bernie Ecclestone’s Formula One Management company. The details of these deals are a closely-guarded secret, but do generate a significant percentage of the smaller teams’ revenue.

If you’re a team owner who wants a generous and fairly stable source of income, find yourself an engine partner in the form of a major motor manufacturer (i.e. McLaren/Mercedes). Better still, get one of these manufacturers to buy your team outright (Renault, Toyota, Honda, BMW).

Manufacturers are generally happy to pump in tens of millions of dollars every year to ensure their brand is represented at the pinnacle of motor sport. But again, during a recession, as car sales drop, F1 becomes an unnecessary luxury. They can achieve just the same level of brand awareness through conventional advertising or sponsoring less ridiculously expensive sports.

As evidence of this, when Ford fell on hard times a few years back, it lost no time in dropping the Jaguar F1 team. Now Toyota has been heavily hinting that it is ready to pull out of Formula One and move over to the Le Mans series instead. This was precipitated by Max Mosley’s standard engine plan. More on that in a bit.

A year ago, everyone in F1 was getting caught up in the global warming frenzy. But now, with all these revenue sources drying up, cost-cutting is the new buzzword, and hang the ruddy environment.

Max Mosley was busy for most of the year with his own problems, but now he’s back to crack the whip (hmmm). His latest plan is…

Standard engines.

Suffice to say, this hasn’t gone down terribly well with the manufacturer teams. Have you ever taken an ice cream away from a toddler? Even if you haven’t, you can imagine the reaction.

Well, that’s pretty much how the manufacturers have reacted to standard engines. Toyota threatened to quit; BMW, Mercedes and Honda have publicly stated their displeasure at the proposal. Even Ferrari, historically the FIA’s greatest ally on the grid, has said it will abandon F1 if this is pushed through.

For now, a compromise has been reached. The teams have agreed to an extension of an engine’s life from two races to three, and they have grudgingly agreed to a standardised KERS (kinetic energy recovery system) device from 2010. The reason they are grumpy about this is that the teams have already spent $15 - $20 million each on developing KERS—at the very time that they have been trying to save money.

Max can’t be a happy man—unless the compromise was what he wanted all along and standard engines were simply an opening gambit.

All this gloom and bad feeling has had one positive upshot, though: the F1 teams are now cooperating as they never have before, and FOTA (the Formula One Teams Association) is finally speaking with one voice.

How long this will last is anybody’s guess, but I wouldn’t go betting the family silver on it surviving until Christmas.

The other option is for the teams to break from the FIA altogether and start their own series. This idea crops up every few years—last time it was scuppered by Ferrari—but with so many teams, not to mention the viewing public, dissatisfied with Max Mosley and the FIA, perhaps this time it’s not that far-fetched.

There’s no contractual or legal reason why they could not create a new motor sport world championship, they just wouldn’t be able to call it Formula One.

So, to sum up, Formula One is going through turbulent times. Sponsors are as rare as worms’ teeth, and those that are already in the sport may not be around for much longer. Billionaire owners may choose to invest their money elsewhere. Manufacturers are already looking to cut their costs, and single engines give them an excuse to leave F1 altogether.

So if you are looking to start your own F1 team, I’d give it a couple of years and allow the dust to settle.

Me, I’m doing my bit by not going on holiday again. It’s for the best.

Don’t miss my next article: An F1 Fan’s Guide to Day Trips Around the Home Counties.

Whoopee-doo.

Musings Of an F1 Fan: The Grand Prix Driver Merry-Go-Round

Ian Sheaver — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 00:38:03 -0400

Have you got the best job in the world? Have you? Well, I was off sick the other day, and as I’d put my neck out, I wasn’t able to move about much.

If you’re wondering how I did it, well I was rappelling down a cliff face while trying to disarm a nuclear device…that had landed on the roof of an orphanage…when an earthquake struck…which caused a landslide…Yes, that’ll do.

What do you mean, implausible? Oh, all right. I SNEEZED. Okay? Satisfied now? Is my humiliation complete? Yep, one unexpected sneeze and I had all the flexibility of a rusty cyberman.

Anyway, I was wondering what people regarded as the best job in the world. So I did some checking on the Interweb and, after a brief search, found a list of the top twenty-six dream jobs. Some of the results weren’t what you might expect.

The most popular dream job was a rock star, which is hardly surprising. Predictably, film star and astronaut were also in the top five, third, and fourth respectively.

But what are most interesting are the unexpected entries. At number five in our hit parade is personal shopper, ten points higher than billionaire entrepreneur, at number fifteen. Surely if you’re a billionaire you can afford to go out and buy this stuff for yourself. And narrowly beating spa critic(no, not Francorchamps) at number seventeen is rock star’s private chef. Hmmm...

But my favourite has to be whale advocate. Now, call me out of touch, but what in God’s name is a whale advocate? Legal representation for a whale that’s up on a charge of tax fraud, perhaps?

“Yes, M’lud. I can personally vouch for the good character of this whale and request, if it pleases the court, that you keep Willy free! The defence rests. Oh, stop blubbering!”

Now, you may be wondering what all this has to do with our chosen subject. Well, languishing down in twentieth place is…

Racing driver.

Yes, you read it right. Being a racing driver is less popular than video game tester (18), cannabis farmer (9) and beer taster (7), but, encouragingly, slightly more popular than rock star nanny (24) and doctor (26).

Still, when you consider that there are thousands of job descriptions out there, twentieth isn’t too bad. There are still plenty of applicants for every vacancy. Many times over the years I have heard drivers say they have the best job in the world. Well, now we know that isn’t true. They only have the twentieth best job in the world.

But it does beg the question: if they think the job is so great, why do they spend so much time complaining about it? We’re always hearing things like, “I caught traffic on my hot lap,” or, “My rear tyres were graining,” and even, “He ought to learn what his mirrors are for.”

Oh, Miaow David!

But they’re all desperate to get to the pinnacle of motor sport, and when they do, they’re even more desperate to stay, until they start to look ridiculous compared to the next generation of young chargers.

Force India

Minardi used to be the ‘easy’ entry team for young drivers. If you brought enough sponsorship, you were in. It was certainly good enough for the likes of Fernando Alonso and Mark Webber. But since that team was sold and renamed Scuderia Toro Rosso, Force India have taken F1’s dubious mantle as the sport’s perennial back markers. But things at this likeable little team seem quite settled, with team owner Vijay Mallya recently saying that they will be retaining Giancarlo Fisichella and Adrian Sutil. Unless Fernando Alonso surprises everyone…

It is expected that they will be supplied with McLaren-Mercedes engines for next season, and possibly KERS and chassis as well. If this happens, there's a chance they may move up the grid, but don’t expect them to move too far. My guess is they’ll still be the wagging tail of the pack next year.

Honda

Do you remember a time when Honda was a serious player in F1? That was 2004, and the team (at that time, still BAR-Honda) finished second in the constructors’ championship with a walloping 119 points. But the last two years have been an appalling time for the Brackley outfit. This season to date, they have amassed just 14 points, and all of them in the first half of the season. The one ray of hope this year was Rubens Barrichello’s third place at a rain-affected Silverstone. Since then neither he nor Jenson Button have been in the points. Button’s seat is thought to be safe for the next year, although he is yet to put ink to a new contract.

Rubens Barrichello's position is much less certain. He was born in Sao Paulo, Brazil, in 1862 and is 146 years old.

Hang on, I think I’ve made a mistake.

No I haven’t.

Despite this apparent handicap, he has proven that he is still fast and hungry for success. However, this has not stopped the team from openly courting the services of Fernando Alonso, Bruno Senna, and Nelson Piquet have also been mooted as possible replacements. Enjoy the Brazilian Grand Prix; it may be our last chance to see this thoroughly likeable driver in an F1 car.

Williams

Williams is another team that has fallen on hard times, and can only reflect on past glories. Can it really be 11 years since they last won a World Championship? Can it really be four years since they last won a race? If the cards had fallen a little more kindly in Singapore, Nico Rosberg might have scored his maiden victory, but a 10-second stop and go meant he had to settle for second, but it was a fine drive. Surely it is only a matter of time…

There’s no change in the driver line-up, the team electing to retain Rosberg for a fourth season, and Kazuki Nakajima for his second.

Red Bull

Team Pipe & Slippers have had a woeful year, having scored a mediocre 29 points and looked positively second rate compared to their ‘B’ team. Blame has mainly been directed at the underpowered Renault engine, but Fernando Alonso seems to have found enough pace to win two races with it, so the unit can’t be that bad. Mark Webber is staying with the team next year, but David Coulthard is retiring to become an F1 pundit when the BBC takes over coverage from ITV.

Perhaps the arrival of Sebastian Vettel next year will inject a little life into the team. Let’s hope so.

Toro Rosso

It could be all change at Red Bull Lite. One thing’s for sure: Sebastian Vettel is leaving to join the sister team. As for the other seat, things are less clear. Sebastien Bourdais’ form has improved towards the end of the season, so he may have done enough to keep his drive. If nothing else, he won the sympathy vote after that dreadful stewards’ decision in Japan that robbed him of any points.

As for the other seat, a number of names have been mentioned: Takuma Sato, Tonio Liuzzi, Bruno Senna and Sebastien Buemi. Buemi is currently the frontrunner for a drive, if for no other reason than to keep the ‘Sebastien’ tradition going. Well, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?

Toyota

Timo Glock and Jarno Trulli are set to stay for another season. What more can you say about such an anonymous mid-field team? They have a huge budget, but manage to consistently underperform every year. Besides, how much sympathy can you have for the company that inflicted the Toyota Pious on the world?

Renault

This year’s drivers’ market has again been dominated by one man: you guessed it … Fernando Alonso. And he seems in no hurry to make his plans for next year public. Judging by the recent form of the Renault, however, it’s a good bet that he’ll be staying where he is. There were rumours earlier this year of a possible move to BMW, but Alonso’s insistence on a one-year contract scuppered that plan. Honda has made a big play for his services as well, but he is unlikely to take another step backwards.

Nelson Piquet may be waiting more anxiously than most, as his future at Renault may depend on whether Alonso stays or goes. If Alonso leaves the team, Piquet is probably safe - for now. If he stays, Piquet could well be booted out in favour of Lucas Di Grassi, the Renault test driver who has also been doing well in GP2.

Alonso is not expected to make his decision public until after the Brazilian Grand Prix.

BMW Sauber

After another strong season, BMW finally announced that they would be keeping Robert Kubica and Nick Heidfeld, although Heidfeld had been left to sweat for quite a while.

McLaren

There was never much doubt that Lewis Hamilton would be staying with the Woking team, although I did hear someone the other day postulate the idea that he may move to Ferrari in the next year or two. Can you imagine that? With Fernando Alonso almost certainly on his way to Maranello at the end of next season? If it happens, give me a deck chair and a box of popcorn and I’ll camp out outside the Ferrari garage. It’s bound to be more entertaining than the racing!

As for Heikki Kovalainan, he has also been retained for next year – but I am left to wonder…why? He’s not been that bad per se, but he’s hardly set the world on fire this year either. What’s more, he’s not been there to help Hamilton in the final few races, which has got to be a must for any number two – I mean joint number one.The only reason I can see is continuity. And the fact that the McLaren garage is a much more tranquil setting than it was last year.

Ferrari

A year ago, Kimi Raikkonen was scratching his head, wondering how he had won the world championship. This year he’s scratching his head, wondering why he hasn’t. His most obvious problem this year has been that he can’t get heat into his tyres during the crucial phases of qualifying. But that does not explain his lacklustre performances during the races. Nor is it obvious why he keeps putting in fastest laps. Answers on a post card please.

In contrast to this, Felipe Massa has had a blinder of a season, and stands poised to snatch the drivers’ championship from Hamilton.

Both drivers are confirmed for next year, although for a while many thought that Raikkonen was heading for early retirement.

As for test drivers, the only new name of note is Bruno Senna. If he doesn’t get a race drive next year, then he must surely fill the role of test driver for one of the F1 teams. The kudos of a famous name can open quite a few doors – just ask Nelson Piquet Jnr or Ralf Schumacher.

Earlier in the year, it was rumoured that Danica Patrick, currently driving for AGR in the US IndyCar series, was due to test for Honda, but sadly it was not to be. She would certainly have added a touch of glamour to the F1 paddock.

But imagine the sponsorship she would have brought with her…

“My sanitary towels are so effective, they keep me safe even in the whitest overalls.”

Urgh! Not a happy image. Almost as nauseating as Michael Schumacher’s L’Oreal ‘Because I’m worth it’ ad a few years back.

So there you have it. All the movers and shakers for 2009. All with a list of complaints as long as a Ferrari refuelling hose, and all believing they have the best job in the world…

But we know differently – Shhh! Keep it to yourselves.

Confessions Of an F1 Fan: Looking Forward To The Brazilian Grand Prix

Ian Sheaver — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 23:23:08 -0400

The Brazilian Grand Prix leaves itself wide open to gags regarding the selective pruning of ladies' private areas, but I'm determined not to succumb to this sordid device simply to get a cheap laugh. I just wanted make that clear. So, here goes...

Mrs. S came into my study on Monday (for study read den, lounge, home office, bolt-hole, hole, squalid little pit—enter at your own risk) to inform me that my dinner was ready. Bless.

Looking at the F1 cars flashing past on the TV screen, she added, "I've got the highlights on in the living room." What, both of them? I thought. This was, after all, the day after the snooze-fest known as the 2008 Chinese Grand Prix.

"Oh no," I replied, deciding this wasn't the moment for a sarcastic riposte, "This is the 2003 Brazilian Grand Prix."

She gave me one of those "I wish I'd married someone normal" looks, and I dutifully followed her into the living room with a tray of Chicken Kievs (unapologetic children of the seventies) and mashed potato.

The "highlights" of China confirmed that this was indeed a poor race, and something of an oddity.

Love him or loathe him, Lewis Hamilton doesn't do boring. As was demonstrated in Germany earlier this year, what should have been an easy pole to flag victory was turned into a mad dash to make up places after a classic case of McLaren race mismanagement.

Emerging from the pit lane in fourth place, he tore past Heikki Kovalainen (remember him?), Felipe Massa visibly withered at the sight of the McLaren flying up the inside to take second, and a slightly bewildered Nelson Piquet was just happy to be there and offered no resistance as Hamilton retook the lead, and a fantastic race win.

But there was nothing like this in China. Even in the post race press conference Lewis looked a bit bored. Maybe he was just trying to keep his emotions under control and not get too excited—the job isn't finished yet.

Ron Dennis was also uncharacteristically subdued. "Discipline" seems to have been his word of the week, but there's no doubt that he's very happy with his young protege. You can just imagine the scene back at the McLaren Technology Centre on Tuesday Morning as Martin Whitmarsh walks in and asks the receptionist:

"Where's Ron?"

"He's in the loo."

"I didn't know they were that close."

Okay, that gag probably works best when spoken aloud. But when you see Lewis and Ron together it's easy to imagine them as father and son (or husband and wife), with Anthony Hamilton in the corner scratching his head and feeling a little left out.

All eyes are now focused on Brazil. I've been on the hunt to find some interesting facts about the Brazilian Grand Prix. I didn't find any, but here are some not so interesting facts. Did you know, for instance, that the event consumes 15 megawatts of electricity? Me neither. Fascinating.

Not only that, but - make sure you're sitting down—over 420,000 cans of soft drinks will be consumed, and a 100,000 'snacks' will be served. Also, during the race weekend, the circuit employs over 7,000 people (disclaimer: the author will not be held responsible if any bloke uses this as a chat up line and subsequently doesn't get laid).

Still, if you are a bloke looking for a little female companionship, it's not a bad place to work: 80% of the organisational staff are female. 80% of 7,000 is...lots!

Anyway, back to the race preview. McLaren are certainly concerned about the Mercedes engine in Lewis's car, as it goes into the season finale having already completed one race distance. You can tell they're worried because they issued a statement saying that they're not worried.

Luckily, Lewis had built up enough of a lead in China that he could turn the wick down after the second round of pit stops, but they'll still be thinking about Heikki's engine failure in Japan. Another thing that McLaren aren't worried about is the gearbox, which will be on its third race.

One thing they genuinely won't be worrying about is winning in Brazil. All Lewis has to do is bring the car home no lower than fifth, and Felipe needs to win. If Felipe comes second, Lewis only needs seventh place. If Felipe comes third, it's game over. Expect McLaren to be aiming for third—a World Championship is much more satisfying when celebrated on the podium.

What tactics should we expect in Brazil? Plenty of conspiracy theorists expect Kimi Raikkonen to take Lewis out at the first corner. Forget it. Not only has Kimi always demonstrated that he's decent, fair and an all round class act, but there is no way he is going to risk starting next season with a 10-place grid penalty, or even a three race ban.

Massa, like Hamilton, needs to keep out of trouble. Ferrari will have to go all out and just try to win. Felipe does have the advantage of having a nice, shiny new engine to play with, but realistically his only hope is for an unfortunate incident to befall Hamilton.

What will McLaren's tactics be? Ah, now there's a question! The smart money is on fuelling both cars light in qualifying to lock out the front row. They can then get a clean getaway and run a short first stint on soft tyres. That'll get those nasty option tyres out of the way. Lewis will have to pit early and, in all likelihood, lose the lead, but should emerge in third or fourth. Then two more stints on harder tyres to a comfortable points-paying position.

One scenario that I haven't mentioned is: What if Heikki Kovalainen takes Felipe Massa out at the first corner? Unlikely. Taking out the Brazilian title contender at the Brazilian Grand Prix, the final race of the season could be...well...an unhealthy option. If it does happen, I suggest Heikki take a fast drive to the airport and the first plane out of South America.

Simple! In theory. But McLaren rarely take the simple option.

And there is one unpleasant little aspect I haven't yet mentioned: The stewards. Yes, that wonderful, impartial, fair-minded and completely anonymous trio that have made this year's championship such a lottery.

Who knows what decisions they'll make this weekend, but you can bet your bottom dollar/real/peso that they'll be controversial. And another thing: As the host country supplies one of the stewards, there will be a Brazilian among them. You see, perfectly fair and equitable.

So the best prediction I can give you is: Expect the unexpected.

There, a whole article about the Brazilian Grand Prix and not a single lady-garden gag. Nothing about racing "trim," driving on a "razor" edge or making the "cut." All-in-all, a job well done.

Phew, that was a close shave.

D'OH!!!