Bleacher Report - Articles by Peter Tumbas

The Mega Powers: Crosby and Malkin

Peter Tumbas — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 09:48:07 -0500

Pittsburgh has been blessed with high concentrations of professional hockey talent. Jagr and Lemieux, Erry and Steigerwald.

Now, Malkin and Crosby.

The Dynamic Duo, or as the Pensblog appropriately calls them The Mega Powers, seem healthy together for the first time in ages. Last season, Crosby sat out during a large portion of the regular season and both played injured during the playoffs.

The healthy Mega Powers have placed the team and the city of Pittsburgh on their backs as seemingly the entire Penguins roster has been injured or failed to perform to expectations.

Tonight, the Penguins return to the ice against Atlanta after a much needed rest. The Mega Powers will receive back up support in the form of Marc-Andre Fleury who will be starting for the first time in a month.

As if they need it.

Makin and Crosby have taken over the league in Fleury’s absence. Had the Penguins received more consistency from their roles and not been traveling through a grueling portion of their schedule the win-loss record would surely be different.

Still, there’s no taking away what the two have accomplished and the different ways they do it.

Last year, Barry Melrose called Malkin the best player in the world at the time. This year, Sabres coach Lindy Ruff is calling him the modern day Jagr. Crosby has had the unfair advantage of being labeled the next Gretzky since he first laced up his skates.

Lebron-esque hype, but the two have carried it remarkably well in different ways.

Malkin understands English when it is suitable to him so he rarely has the cameras and microphones stuffed in his face the moment he exits the showers.

If you’ve seen Crosby interviewed, you can tell he hasn’t answered a question wrong since the second grade spelling bee.

And when they aren’t answering questions about the scrappy Capitals, or the lack of powerplay production, you can find their highlight videos on youtube growing, or Crosby leading the team in shots despite not being considered a goal score or Malkin leading the team in assists, despite being considered the better marksmen of the two.

Hockey is such an amazing team sport. Eventually the Mega Powers will need the consistent support they had last year. Consider that during a 60 minute game, while star players play only 20 or so. The return of Gonchar, Whitney, Kennedy, Fleury, and more will only provide fuel to the Mega Powers fire.

With all due respect, however, to Fleury’s winning smile, jelly fish body, and devil may care attitude, I, like the rest of Pittsburgh and the NHL, will be watching and waiting to see what the big Russian and the robot from Canada will do next.

The Penguins won the November 20^th meeting against Atlanta 3-2.

Duke Hoops Biggest Games Of 2008-2009

Peter Tumbas — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 04:52:00 -0500

Under the watchful eye of Olympic gold medalist Coach Mike Krzyzwekski, the Duke basketball team has begun the 2008-2009 season in hopes of separating itself from March failures the past few seasons.

This season does seem a little different, and not just because of the gold hanging from Coach K's neck. They return four of five starters. The problem is that unlike UNC's returning starters, Duke players came back because they wanted to, not because they weren't going to be high enough NBA draft picks.

Currently ranked eighth in the AP poll and fifth in the ESPN poll, this Duke team will coast through November and December before things get hellish.

January 7: Davidson

This seemingly meaningless cupcake game has suddenly become quite interesting due to the emergence of Stephen Curry. Davidson is ranked 20th only because of Curry who still doesn't weigh more than 160 pounds. But with the graduation of Duke's most athletic player, DeMarcus Nelson, who will be charged with the task of slowing Curry?

January 10: @ Florida State

Duke hates playing in Tallahassee, real talk (to quote R. Kelly). This is three days after playing Davidson, the very next game on their schedule, and the first ACC road game, no less. This is the essence of a trap game.

January 17: Georgetown

Pre-measuring stick game to the real measuring stick game against the NBA team from Chapel Thrill. Georgetown will have played Pitt and Connecticut at this point in the season, meaning they'll be battle tested whereas this will be Duke's first game against a talented team.

February 11: North Carolina

I don't care how many injuries North Carolina players get. If they aren't beating teams by 20 points, it doesn't count as a win. Duke could be undefeated or have a one to two loss record entering this game, which will be the measuring stick for the regular season. If they win or at the very least play well at home against the NBA Tar Heels, they can spring board off for the remainder of the season.

February 15: @ Boston College

Might as well rename it Florida State of the North. Duke hates playing at Boston College, real talk. The buffoonery and thuggery awarded to J.J. Redick and friends may be a fading memory for some but not for Paulus and Company. Like the Davidson game, Duke must contain an explosive guard in Tyrese Rice, who could care less that the three point line was moved back.

March 8: @ North Carolina

To quote a Rece Davis article today, "Revenge has been described by Homer as 'sweeter far than flowing honey'." Dicky V will be going bananas over how great each team is, and the tradition, and the rivalry, and his desire to fulfill all sexual demands of either coach. Bottom line this game means nothing to North Carolina players. If their players cared about the school and the team, then three of them wouldn't have tried to leave for the NBA.

All their fans expect is a national championship. A regular season ACC championship is nothing more than cute.

A win for Duke in this game gives great momentum heading into the ACC tournament, March Madness, and the 2009 season, because everybody but Paulus is coming back for Duke and everybody including the towel boy is leaving North Carolina.

Pittsburgh Penguins: I'm Still Hard from the Detroit Game

Peter Tumbas — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 09:18:19 -0500

Enjoy some last minute musings in regards to the famous Pinguino comeback or the infamous Red Wing bed-wetting before the Flyers game in less than two hours.

Honestly, I haven't seen a stick lift like Staal's since I played NHL 09 for PS3 last night. That was the most aggressive upward chop in the history of the game. The only thing better was watching 32-year-old, baby-faced Datsyuk immediately blow out a tire after the turnover. So soft.

Osgood cost the game for the Red Wings in overtime. I understand Jordan Staal was having a hot evening. A natural hat trick when your team is down three certainly justifies an increase in one's body temperature. But Staal hasn't been a feared goal-scorer since the 2006-2007 season when he scored 29. And even then teams weren't devising ways to slow him down.

Staal was two strides inside the blue line before Osgood was way beyond his crease. A lifeguard should have been blowing his whistle demanding that he return to shore. With no hesitation, Staal slid a pass through the middle to Ruslan for the easy one-timer. Osgood was so shocked at the pass that he tripped trying to get from post to post.

The only thing more depressing than watching Osgood's soul be eviscerated by Tank was seeing the number of Penguin fans in the stands.

Detroit, are you serious? You're the defending Stanley Cup champs! Really, you are the only thing that's been somewhat above average in that city for the last decade and you can't sell out your building to your own fans? Soft.

The Flyers are in town. All this means is that Mike Therrien will verbally assault John Stevens, regardless of the outcome, and John Stevens will cry in response.

Penguins win 4-2, allowing the two goals in the final period.

How Much Do the Pittsburgh Pirates Like Numbers?

Peter Tumbas — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 09:31:10 -0500

Billy Beane uses sabermetric principles to run the Oakland Athletics in a cost-efficient manner.

What are sabermetrics?

Sabermetrics are defined by Bill James, one of the first proponents of the concept, as "the search for objective knowledge about baseball."

The Wikipedia definition is the analysis of baseball through objective evidence, especially baseball statistics.

Analyzing stats thus producing objective knowledge thus allowing us to make intelligent predictions about the future performance of a particular player.

Do you mean to tell me there is a way of predicting the future output of a batter or pitcher? And it's in expensive? Just how inexpensive you ask?

Well I went to the public library for free, went on-line for free, looked at some statistics such as stolen base percentage, stolen base attempts as a percentage of opportunities, triples, double plays grounded into as a percentage of opportunities, and runs scored as a percentage of times on base to determine the top 10 fastest players in this off season's crop of free agents for free.

Guess who isn't a paid member of any major league baseball team's front office?

Me.

Guess who still managed to determine the the top 10 fastest players in this offseason's crop of free agents for free.

Me.

Sabermetrics are not the fountain of youth or a get out of jail free card for small market teams that don't have or refuse to spend money. Because there is no limit on who is allowed to use the strategy.

Give the Yankees $250 million to spend this offseason and the top five at each position according to a sabermetric output based on their team's needs and they are going to sign the right people.

Small market teams don't have the luxury of signing the top free agent in each class. This were something like sabermetrics can greatly benefit a team like the Pirates. They need an ace pitcher or at least someone who is going to win more than nine games.

Paul Malhom lead the staff in wins with nine. Not good enough.

I don't think they are in the running for Big CC. Maybe trying to sneak in the top 10.

So if they ranked all available pitchers by the sabermetric stat of WHIP which is walks plus hits per inning pitched, suddenly all available free agent pitchers have been quantitatively ranked by a stat that mirrors a hitter's on base percentage.

Now the Pirates realize pitcher A was 15-6 but he had a high WHIP meaning his offense got him out of potential jams. On the other hand, pitcher B was 13-8 but had a considerably lower WHIP.

If both pitchers were relatively the same age and were asking for relatively the same amount of money that the Pirates were willing to pay. Who is the better option?

The Pirates don't have a proven offensive system. Currently, it's simply theoretical potential. On paper they aren't capable of coming back from 2-0, 3-0, 4-0 deficits every time pitcher A was on the hill.

We need to sign pitcher B for the following reasons.

He won 13 games last year which is four more than the ace of our staff won last year.

He won 13 games playing for a poor offense. If our young offense takes flight this year or next year or at any point while pitcher B is under contract all of a sudden those 13 wins with a low WHIP could turn into 15 or 16 or 17.

If the Pirates have a pitcher going to deeper into games, the bullpen doesn't become over exposed. Capps gets more save opportunities, on and on. All from making one correct signing.

The A's play in a garbage pit stadium. They spend no money and yet somehow they are in play off contention seemingly every year. Last year they finished 23 games out of first in their division. This offseason they are first to make news by pulling a deal for Matt Holliday.

Billy Beane is not fearless or reckless. He just makes the right decisions for his baseball team.

The Pirates need to sign an assistant who has worked under Beane. This will ensure that we have a chance to move in the right direction every year. This will ensure that at the trade deadline we are holding the cards not asking for hand outs. This will ensure that the Pirates begin to crawl out of the gutter.

Red Wings-Penguins: The Passion of Marian Hossa (a Film by Brooks Orpik)

Peter Tumbas — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 16:38:55 -0500

Pittsburgh returns to the scene of the crime on Tuesday. Here are several observations and musings.

Top Three ways to embarrass, punish, or otherwise mame Marian Hossa

1) Have Godard start a fight with him

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfNRcCDPEt8&feature=related

2) Challenge him to a grape crushing contest. Oh no, I think he's actually hurt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBFGWHm5cpk

3) Try getting a reservation at Cheli's Chili Bar now!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfNRcCDPEt8

Keys to a Penguins Win:

1) Marc-Andre Fluery plays composed and makes one save he has no business making.

With an off day against the Islanders, Fluery will have had plenty of rest, guaranteeing high energy and freshness, but also seeds of uncertainly will have had time to creep into his skull. The last time he faced the Red Wings, the Penguins lost the Stanley Cup.

He can't let in any soft sixth-hole goals like he did in Game Six. He must communicate with his defenseman on dump-ins, and he must handle the puck well should he be called upon to do so. He must force them to earn their tallies.

2) Kronwall is silenced from the start, but in a legal or equally-penalized fashion.

Nik Kronwall can not go be given an opportunity to headhunt Malkin. Gene gets too emotional, despite his cool Russian exterior, and then he is lost to us. Whether it's Matt Cooke or Mr. Godard himself, someone has to protect Malkin in a penalty-free manner

This cannot be stressed enough. The Red Wings will score on the power play, which goes against point one of Fluery making them earn their tallies.

As a corollary, Malkin is God's gift to the Guinos when he can play worry-free.

3) No penalties. Stay the course. A thousand points of light. Stay the course.

4) Third-line production is really super, but this game is an opportunity for Miroslav Satan to prove his worth to the Penguins.

Is he an obnoxiously streaky point scorer? Is he mentally tough to be in the same building as the player he was expected to replace? Will Ray Shero be looking for a replacement for him by March 4?

Last year, the pressure was on the Penguins' defense to slow the video-game offense of the Red Wings. This year, the Red Wings are clearly operating another video game roster with the salary cap turned off somehow, retaining lines and lines of offense firepower akin to shooting a whale in a shot glass with a nuclear warhead.

However, their defense is not what it was last year. Perhaps age has caught up with them, or perhaps a touch of the complacency bug has struck the defense. And so there rests Brad Pitt's achilles tendon.

The challenge will be on the Penguins' offense to score on a suddenly-suspect defense. Because lord knows, the Red Wings will get their chances. The Penguins must set the offensive pace not simply try to meet it.

If the Penguins arrive with their own drum line and start banging away, and Marc-Andre makes one save that he has no business making, the Guinos will win 5-4.

Make sure to support hockey on national television by watching this game on Versus.

If Bucci Says the Penguins Need a Scoring Winger, Uh Oh

Peter Tumbas — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 13:22:23 -0500

Do we really miss Marian Hossa and Ryan Malone that much? According to John Buccigross of ESPN, "This team is in desperate need of a scoring winger. The Pens' scorers are adequate, but they don't look to have enough to advance far in the postseason. Marian Hossa would have made all the difference."

First of all, we didn't have Hossa until after the trade deadline and we would have made the playoffs without him. Having said that, he certainly helped us in the Playoffs. It only seems like we miss him because of the personal attachment that Penguins fans have with their players, especially players that greatly assist us in our dreams of capturing the Cup.

Second of all, it is really painful to write that. Consider that Pirate fans are used to good players leaving either in free agency or through trade deadline deals. Steelers fans are comfortable with the fact that the Rooneys will pay no one a penny over what their market value is and even then they barely pay that.

Either way Pittsburgh fans trust that the Pirates will be awful because management makes poor decision and the Steelers will always be in contention because the front office makes great choices.

A few years removed from almost leaving the city, the Penguins arrived at the Stanley Cup finals this spring and faced the Red Wings, a team whose roster miraculously fits under the salary cap. Of course we lost in Game 6, and the talk immediately switched to free agency signings and the prospects of next year.

Here's where it gets sad. A player took slightly less money to go a team he thought had a better chance to win a Stanley Cup. That player was Marian Hossa. And, while I usually am more than happy to condemn players for seeking more money, Hossa supposedly is seeking a championship as well. So much so that he signed a one-year deal.

Not only has Hossa hurt my feelings by not returning to the Penguins, not only has he hurt my feelings by playing very well for the Wings, but he may very well be right. The Red Wings are giving up a ton of goals, not completely surprising since they have an eighty year old man in net.

The Penguins aren't scoring goals and Coach Therrien is juggling lines like a circus clown who chugged a fifth of LSD. And yet despite not having the services of two top defenders including our power play quarterback, the Penguins are in seventh place in the Eastern Conference. Hossa and the Wings are in second place in the West.

I miss Hossa. I miss our dominating run through the Eastern Conference playoffs. I miss his tinted visor and Warrior gloves. But Hossa isn't coming back so I will continue to play Dashboard Confessional and lock myself in my room. Malone isn't coming back either. Sure he is, was, a native son of Pittsburgh, but if you know anything about Upper St. Clair then you aren't surprised he left for more money.

Gone are talented scoring wingers. In comes Miroslav Satan. I must confess he strikes me as someone the Pirates might sign, a veteran who used to be considered talented—though God knows what that means—and has character issues.

Thankfully the Penguins didn't overpay for him. Ray Shero's intellect is far superior to Neil Huntington's. He's not as talented as Hossa. He's not going to play with a broken nose like Malone. And yet, Satan has six goals in 12 games on pace for 41 this season.

If you had told Penguins fans that Satan was going to cost $3.5 million and score 41 goals, which is actually 12 more than Hossa scored last year, I think we'd be quite thrilled.

The problem playing in a blue-collar town is that it is very demanding yet honest with its players. That being said, Satan doesn't play with the energy level of Malone or the determination of Hossa. He is as lethargic as a NBA player. And some natives are getting restless. John Buccigross ESPN's hockey expert certainly is.

My friends, it's okay, we're 12 games into the season. The offensive chemistry will come, whether or not it's as flashy as Hossa or as gritty as Malone.

We lost Hossa and Malone, not Crosby and Malkin. Relax. I strongly believe that due to Whitney and Gonchar's injuries we wont have another 102 point season, but we'll certainly make the playoffs. No one but the Red Wings wants to play us in a seven game playoff series. I can assure you that.

In all the panic of our 6-4-2 start, the defense has carried us without two of its top players. Fluery is being managed better to avoid injuries and Malkin is playing like he gets a free case of vodka after every shift.

It will be more than okay for the Penguins and their fans—especially if Ray Shero goes out at the trade deadline and brings in another stud. Or will the Hossa incident scare him away?

I trust Ray Shero at the trade deadline. I hope he gunslings his way through another early March day. Malkin, Crosby, and Fluery are signed through 2014. That's your core. The time is now, chemistry be damned. Just get them help if they need it.

Was Satan an acceptable replacement to Hossa? It's difficult to replace a player like Hossa, but maybe we did miss out on a couple of better options.

If the Penguins were willing to spend $3.5 million on Satan, why not offer Markus Naslund the $8 million over two years that the Rangers offered? Naslund scored 40 plus goals in a three-year stretch from 2000-2003.

Surely he would have loved a chance to return to that form playing along side Crosby. I much prefer Naslund's game to Satan's, and as a former Penguin he understands what it's like to play here. Instead, we are assigned with slowing him down.

Sticking in New York and going crazy, Penguins blogs were buzzing for the possible return of Double J 68. I don't even want to think about a power play featuring Jagr, Crosby, Stall in front, Malkin and Gonchar at point. It pumps my chubby.

To really step out on an isolated tree branch, what about Petr Forsberg and Mats Sundin? Sure both are natural centers, but maybe they'd like to play on a wing with Crosby. Or maybe they'd like to center the second line so Malkin can permanently play with Crosby.

Did we try hard enough this past free agency? Did we explore all options? Will we be better off next season?

Wishful thinking for new players either at the trade deadline or in free agency is a lot of fun, but mostly based on myth. Just like the imminent downfall of the Penguins. We'll be fine.

The Pittsburgh Pirates Need A Byron Leftwich

Peter Tumbas — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 03:27:28 -0500

Weeks ago when Charlie Batch went down with a collar bone injury, Byron Leftwich and Daunte Culpepper were brought in for a tryout. The Steelers signed Leftwich forcing Culpepper into retirement, hilarious circumstances for the time being until Monday night’s game against the Redskins.

Baby Roethlisberger, as he is commonly called around my parts in an affectionate and no homosexual manner, injured his shoulder scoring the go ahead touchdown late in the second quarter.

Leftwich replaced him in the second half and calmly put his throat on all of Washington, D.C. well technically Landover, Maryland. In many ways Leftwich surpassed Ben on that evening. Long story short, the Steelers had managed to sign a backup more than capable of winning an important road game.

What if they had signed Culpepper? Would he have been able to throw 90 MPH comeback routes and 60 yard fly routes in a semi hostile environment? Would he be ready to start the next game against Indianapolis? Thankfully, we’ll never know because it appears the Steelers front office made the correct choice months ago.

Devil’s Advocate time. www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGXvj2BjZLA&feature=related

The Pirates don’t have a player as valuable as Big Ben on their roster. They haven’t had a player of that magnitude since Barry Bonds. Thankfully Lemieux and Crosby are bucking or have bucked the Killer B dependency, must be a Canadian thing.

Back to Pacino and Keanu in a courtroom. The Pirates don’t have one player as valuable as Ben we’d have to remove several players to balance this hypothetical scenario. However rather than beat you over the head with the failings of the front office I will only injure one of them.

Let’s say 2008 All Star representative Nate McLouth becomes involved in a freak gasoline fight accident and is forced to miss a month of the season when miraculously the Pirates are in playoff contention.

Who replaces him? Sure, the Pirates have bodies that’s what a bench is for but do they have a replacement on par with a Byron Leftwich? Do they have someone waiting to help them in a pennant race if the star goes down?

One could argue that Andrew McCutchen would be ready to replace McLouth. Pirates fans have heard about him for years just waiting for the next great Pirate outfielder. And, how we wait. Andruw Jones arrived at Yankee Stadium in the World Series at 19 years old and promptly hit two homeruns in his first two at bats.

McCutchen who turned 22 in October hit only nine homeruns in Triple AAA Indianapolis during all of 2008. Perhaps an unfair comparison to Jones as one weighs 175lbs and the other was closer to 200 during his fit days.

How about a side by side comparison of the Pirates lone All Star in 2008 to the number one prospect in the organization keeping in mind McLouth played in 152 games while McCutchen played in 135.

Statistic	McLouth	McCutchen
Batting Average	.276	.283
Runs	113	75
Hits	165	145
Homeruns	26	9
Runs Batted In	94	50
Stolen Bases	23	34
On Base Percentage	.356	.372
Walks	65	68
Strikeouts	93	87

Now the common conception about being called up to the big leagues is a player’s numbers will initially drop off before they make the proper adjustments. Now if McCuthen had played in the same number of games as McLouth maybe he would have totaled a similar number of hits this is encouraging to Pirates fans. Certainly, the serious Pirates fan doesn’t expect him to replace McLouth’s power numbers, right?

However, one must consider the aforementioned stipulation that it takes time to adjust to major league pitching. Thus if this mythical injury occurred to McLouth last season and McCutchen was the chosen one to replace him Pirates would certainly not have been greeted with an instant impact in the same vein as Leftwich. But with the departure or rather shipping off of Bay and Nady, surely Pirates fans will finally see McCutchen get his chance in the majors.

Regrettably if he duplicates his numbers from 2008 in 2009 he will be an average player at best incapable of leading the Pirates should an offensive player go down with injury. The Pirates have no super subs because we have no super stars in front of them.

Pirates future depth is already playing thus tarnishing their development. In other words, players who should be improving their skills in the minors have been called up too soon thanks to trade deadline firesales and a general misconception that they are ready thanks to extreme deficiencies in Pirate advanced scouting and player personnel departments.

In that sense it is encouraging that the Pirates are taking their time with McCutchen, who was been either the number one or number two prospect in the Pirates system since 2005. Or, he simply isn’t good enough and the top prospects in the Pirates farm system

Depth is critical in a 162 game baseball season or a 16 game football season, and money plays a big part of acquiring significant, talented depth. The Pirates have shown no willingness to spend money but neither have the Rays, Twins, A’s, or Marlins and yet they find ways to win.

If the a salary cap is never accepted in baseball and the Pirates continue on the same path of destruction (poor drafting, poor scouting, signing expensive yet worthless free agents), the consecutive streak of losing seasons will surely continue.

Those problems have been easily identifiable and yet for some reason they remain unfixed. In the shadow of the Penguins entry draft success and the insert capable back up here model the Steelers have perfected, the Pirates look like a little school boy who forgot to get his permission slip for the field trip to Heaven.

What if Manny Ramirez Signed with the Pittsburgh Pirates?

Peter Tumbas — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:02:18 -0500

The Pittsburgh Pirates are pleased to announce the hiring of outfielder Manny Ramierz. The 36-year-old left fielder will make $25 million over the next four years.

"We feel Manny is the missing piece to our puzzle," said Pirates GM Neal Huntington.

Oh dear god. Didn't anyone in the Pirates front office watch this.

Certainly, one can read through this early April Fool's joke. However, the Pirates do have a penchant for throwing big dollars at aged talent such as Derek Bell, Jeremy Burnitz, Tony Armas Jr., Matt Morris, etc. while refusing to pay current proven talent such as Barry Bonds, Brian Giles, Jason Bay, Aramis Ramirez, etc.

If it's the trade deadline and you're an above-average player for the Pirates, chances are you're on the way out.

So why not add another blunder of all blunders to the list of Pirates blunders and sign Ramirez for $100 million for four blunderful years? Just an FYI, that contract would be worth more than 10 times the amount of the total salary of the 1997 team, which nearly won the Central with a losing record.

Consider the following:

1) The Pirates are a forever young team with Latin roots. Manny gravitates to both of those issues more so than winning. He was disgruntled by the largely blue-collar work ethic of Boston Southies. Maybe Huntington can sell Manny on the team being a bunch if young hooligans who like to capitalize on the roaring Pittsburgh night life.

2) With the exception of this season, the Central division has been as historically weak as the mild mild West. Manny could actual make a positive impact on the team as an offensive threat. Especially if he has protection from Ryan Doumit or provides it for Pedro Alvarez. Especially since he'll be facing Reds, Astros, Cardinals, Brewers, and Cubs pitchers not named Big Z.

3) Manny doesn't like to play defense. Good thing left field at PNC Park is shallow, the Pirates pitching is bad, and the wall is easily climbable for giving high fives.

4) Manny felt that L.A. was infinitely more relaxed than Boston. Just come to Pittsburgh and see if people care. It's a perfect way to end his career, batting around .300 stroking 30 home runs and driving in 100 plus.

Manny doesn't care about his legacy. He wants a payday, and he expects to fade off into the sign as soon as he signs it. What organization accomplishes that goal better than the Pirates? Well, we might not have $25 million a year for one player but we sure do love to promote and accept mediocrity from aging veterans.

Why the NLCS Hates ME

Peter Tumbas — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 06:52:35 -0400

There’s only one October. Oh really Dane Cook? For me there have been two miserable fall classics that have not only broken my heart as a fan but also as a son. Imagine telling your friends at school that your father is the athletic trainer for the Pittsburgh Pirates during the early '90s.

“So, he teaches them how to hit,” suggests little Oliver Twist.

To which I reply, “No, he keeps them healthy.”

“Like a doctor?”

“Kind of. He works with them before the doctors. So they don’t have to see the doctors.” Even at seven years old, I had become bored with making this correction.

In essence, I was a Hollywood brat before Paris Hilton and company became famous offspring. The Pirates were in the playoffs, everyone wanted to know if I knew any players or had been to any games. Big-time attention, which I relished daily, because 600 miles to the south of my home in Virginia, the Pirates were one win away from advancing to the 1992 World Series.

But this D-List celebrity was about to have his sex tape released by a guy named Francisco Cabrera on Oct. 14, 1992.

When my mother tells the story, she likes to focus on the southern hospitality in the stands. “All the Braves wives were congratulating us before the bottom of the ninth. We all thought it was over.”

Why wouldn’t it be over? Doug Drabek’s mustache had pitched a gem of a game. Even the necklace from the Titanic was jealous of Drabek’s mastery. And yet after pitching three of the seven games in the series, Drabek, in CC Sabathia-like fashion ran out of steam and young Stan Belinda was called upon to shut down the Braves. The Pirates haven’t had a winning season since.

Stan Belinda’s goofy mechanics produced a fastball high off the plate and a random, who is now famous for being a no-name, named Francisco Cabrera takes it upon himself to devastate the entire city of Pittsburgh. Who in their right mind tries to pull a fastball away with bases loaded, one out, down a run, in the bottom of the ninth in Game Seven of the NLCS?

Francisco Cabrera. Off of Stan Belinda. To Barry Bonds. Scoring Sid Bream. Who looks eerily like my father.

A wonderful interview with Sid Bream discussing "the Slide."

I began smoking 10 packs a day, like Jim Leyland, that very night, but alas when you are that young, when free agency wasn’t a big deal, stadiums were temples, not billboards for bankrupt corporations, an ending which features Sid Bream running the bases like a gazelle doesn’t quite hurt as much.

Crying takes the sad out of you as Will Arnet suggests (Let's Go to Prison). Sure, you might not wear your Pirates hat with the plastic adjustable backing for a while, but you get ready to play kickball at recess and dream of what the cafeteria will serve for dessert the next day. Even as the son of a MLB athletic trainer, it’s a blip on your memory radar. Until it happens again.

October 2003. I am now an arrogant jaded college freshman who understands how the world works, obviously. My father is the athletic trainer for the Chicago Cubs. I am an even bigger "Big Man on Campus" because there is nothing better to do than gossip when you go to a liberal arts college on the outskirts of the middle of no where.

Shakespeare strikes yet again, as I am forced to watch my team play the Braves. I personally attend Game Three and enjoy myself immensely because my mother purchased a royal blue North Face coat for me to brave the Windy City. A night time playoff game at the Friendly Confines in which the Cubs actually won. Current Cub fans eat your heart right out.

Just to encourage my freshman drinking habit, the Cubs need five games to win the series, only this time we do it in Atlanta, thanks to Kerry Wood’s flame.

Joe Morgan announced during this series. That’s what probably doomed us in the end, because instead of having to play the Giants and Mr. I Can’t Throw Sid Bream Out At Home Bonds, the Marlins come to town. And on Oct. 14, 2003, my heart auditioned for Saw 3 and won the role.

Dear sweet infant baby Jesus, how can this happen again on the same day?

The Braves and Pirates represented an epic battle of two talented teams, perhaps even rivals with a storied past of North versus South. Blue-collar steel town versus tomahawk-chopping plantation owners.

The Marlins, featuring a storied past as detailed as a pop-up book, shouldn’t have been allowed in Wrigley Field. Sammy Sosa bought houses that cost more than their payroll. Some guy managed the Marlins. And yet a team with no history, regardless of their chop shop year in 1997, became forever linked in Cubs lore.

Entering Game Six, the Cubs were leading the series 3-2. Mark Prior, great calves, weak arm, took it upon himself to take a three-hit shutout into the eighth inning. At this junction in time, every Cub fan is thinking, “God, please prevent a mere man from opening a doorway to another dimension for he will surely not understand the recently opened Pandora’s box thus producing a flyball hit down the left-field foul line, which will only be intercepted by a Notre Dame graduate wearing a warm Lands’ End turtle neck despite the valiant effort of Moisés Alou. Thank you. Amen.”

Regrettably, it seems while every fan was thinking the above anecdote, not every one was praying as hard as they could. Luis Castillo certainly missed the memo to pray. Another "Has Been" ballplayer decides to go against the grain and destroy my dreams of enjoying just one October 14th.

Instead of striking out, or simply putting the ball in play, Castillo believes its prudent to send an impotent flare up the left-field line where a Mexican stand off between Steve Bartman’s brain, Moisés Alou’s glove, and the ball await certain and total annihilation.

Dan Patrick’s interview with Bartman—when Patrick was still respectable.

The most patient sports fans in the world became their own worst enemy during that particular sequence. Bartman, orgasmic with the notion of catching a playoff foul ball, completely blacks out, disregards the situation, and instead of offering a step ladder for Alou, sticks his hands out and ruins the lives of Chicagoans, Santa’s elves, and Vince Vaughn’s bags under his eyes. He hasn’t slept since.

Prior, flabbergasted with Bartman, promptly walks Castillo and the list of what happens next is too painful to recount. Do I prefer the Chinese water torture of the Marlins or the nuclear missile to the brain issued by the Braves?

Perhaps the bigger question is what if Prior had been wearing a Phiten necklace? Would he have issued a walk to Castillo beginning the Marlins eighth-inning shit storm rally? I don’t know. No one knows, but at least he would have been wearing a really great necklace when he was five outs away from taking the Cubs to the World Series.

“In the air to left field, and the Florida Marlins have come back from three games to one down to win the National League Pennant! The Florida Marlins, for the second time, are going to the World Series! What an amazing story!” said Thom Brennaman.

What a great call by Thom Brennaman. Really paints a da Vinci with his language.

I wonder if the 2008 Red Sox fans feel the same way the 2003 Cubs fans did. Florida baseball squads led by quirky Merlin-like managers are the devil. The Pirates definitely need one of those as soon as possible.

What weird things happened on Oct. 14, 2008? Nothing crazy. Tim Wakefield started the game for the Red Sox. He allowed five runs in less than three innings. The former Pittsburgh Pirate knuckle baller was slightly more effective during the 1992 NLCS, winning Game Three and Game Six, which was played on Oct. 13. The Pirates beat the Braves 13-4. The same score the Rays beat Wakefield and the Sox by last week.

If you really want to witness a horrible experience with numbers avoid Jim Carrey’s The Number 23.

In the meantime, I’ll be memorizing this song, because Sid Bream is a hitting instructor in State College, PA, Philadelphia has a chance to win a major sports title, and I just realized I’ve been chewing a Wrigley brand gum while writing this article.