Bleacher Report - Articles by Jaws of Defeat

Auburn Hires Billy Mays As Offensive Coordinator (Humor)

Jaws of Defeat — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 04:00:53 -0400

AUBURN – With a turnover that even Chris Todd would find startling, Auburn University announced their new offensive coordinator hire just hours after they sent previous coordinator Tony Franklin packing.

Franklin's "Spread Eagle" implementation of his copyrighted "Tony Franklin System" never took flight for Auburn and resulted in a disappointing 4-2 start.

Fans' growling turned to roars as the Tigers tumbled down the FBS stat charts and struggled to put up points against each SEC foe they faced.

The bleak offensive production was enough for Head Coach Tommy Tuberville to call it quits on the recruit-baiting experiment that had started off with great promise with a 2007 Chik-fil-A Bowl win.

In a stalwart PR move, Franklin took responsibility for the disappointment while pointing out that Tuberville was ultimately calling the shots on offense.

On the other side of the blame game, Coach Tuberville held court with local press to put the most damaging rumors to rest. The most popular one blames his assistant coaching pals, dubbed "the BBQ boys," for rejecting Franklin and his system. Tuberville was visibly agitated when he called it "absolute hogwash," while feigning to hear it of it for the first time.

Tuberville then said, "What's done is done. Nothing will stop this football team from playing Auburn football." and shocked everyone with..."and with that in mind, I would like to announce that I have hired our new offensive coordinator this afternoon, Mr. Billy Mays."

Tuberville then lauded Mays' interview and credentials. He was quick to highlight Mays' promise to clean up the program and his hands-on approach to demonstrate his innovative techniques to players.

"The search committee was very impressed with Billy's intangibles and we think his gusto will attract the kind of athletes we need to continue competing for BCS bids and conference titles," he said.

When asked if Mays will have an immediate impact on the field, Tuberville pointed out much needed assistance for his receiving corps, which has been a problem this season.

"I've heard great things from the committee about Billy's "Kaboom" and "Easy Off-Bam" techniques," he continued. "And if all goes to plan, all of our guys should have both of those double-moves down by the Iron Bowl."

Tuberville then complimented the committee which was created, compiled research, and chose a candidate over an extended lunch break Wednesday afternoon.

He also graciously thank the other two final candidates for their time. Unconfirmed reports name them as Raffaelo Follieri, a Fordham quarterback coach and the CFL's Montreal Alouettes head coach, LeShaumwow Guy.

To close the session, an Auburn Versus staffer brought out a speakerphone with the new hire on the line to give a brief statement. Mays instantly won over the Auburn faithful when he showed his commitment to Tigers and introduced himself as, "Billy Mays! Here for the Auburn Tigers!" He was greeted by a deafening round of applause from fans in attendance.

As the whooping and cheering died down, Tuberville gave one final statement.

"Billy understands that the Auburn Tigers have been lackluster this season. But he has assured me that he will make the orange glow again.'"

College Football Picks With Stupid Nicknames (Week Seven)

Jaws of Defeat — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 06:01:21 -0400

(All picks are against the spread and are intended to be in good fun. I have nothing but the utmost respect for each University named herein and their fans.)

Mustachioed Santa OVER Mini Trojans

Paw Prints OVER Campus Utopia

No Look, Full Court, Over the Head, Back Bend Humiliation Assist OVER UK Logo Copiers

Looserville [sic] OVER As Decrepit as the Modern Incarnation of the Ancient City We're Named After

Jefferson's Grid Ruiners OVER Other NC Pirate Captains

Feel Good Movie of the Year Recruiting Bump OVER Pepperoni Rolls

Waiting to Recruit Randle-El's Progeny OVER John Deere State

Reclamation of a Classic Football Nickname OVER Couldn't Win the B10 With Barber and Maroney

John Spartans MURDER DEATH KILL We Should Have Stolen the Thundercats Logo Before Kansas State Did

Wild West Sheriff Named Quarterback OVER Surf Ninjas Named Quarterback

Directional Michigan (Team A) OVER Black Knights Not of Florida

Perpetually Hibernating in the Standings OVER Seneca Wallace is Not Walking Through That Door

Decimated O-Line OVER Got Nine in at the University Club Before Warm-Ups

Directional Michigan (Team Two) OVER Three-Year Delayed Logo AND Uni Copiers

GameDay Signs that Went Over Joe Football Fan's Head OVER Lazy Noisemakers

Falsely Accused Racists OVER Ski Room in the Team Offices

Someone Must Still Be Sending the "VIP Connection" to Opponents OVER We Ripped off the Thundercats but Claim It Was the Hawkeyes

Calipari Killers OVER Directional Michigan (Team C)

Players Taking Plays Off Is a New Thing Nowadays OVER Boeckman Who?'s

School Colors Fit for an XKE OVER Undead Reptiles

My Name Better Not be Pluralized on the Heisman OVER Non-Men Who Aren't 40

Canine on some Dusing Bro's OVER Crompton4StateFarmEmployeeOfTheMonth

12 in the Box OVER VIP Posse

Nike Should Start Making Crazy Looking Knee Braces OVER Should Have Made a Full Page Ad to Apologize for the 'Zona Loss

Fightin' Glassmen OVER J'aimais, Poor Bleu

Next Bungles Hire OVER Golden Locks Under the Golden Dome

WarCatBirds OVER You're Not Playing the Sons of Investment Bankers Anymore

First Inch on the Road to Redemption Covers OVER No Such Thing as "Vah-duh"'s

Tennesse H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick Givers OVER J. Crew U

Mormon Bombers OVER New -Culture that Gave Us "Infarto"-

Sproles Redux OVER Praying for the Next (COLLEGE) Ryan Leaf

Sour Napa Valley Grapes OVER Lute's Second Fiddles

Only Explanation for Orange and Brown is to Fool Cleveland Fans into Cheering OVER Female Mascot

The Reason Kentucky Will Never Wear Retro Helmets Again OVER Immortalized by Neil Young

Uni TypeFace with 'Tude OVER Soon to be a Folly Expansions

Former Home Of The Gameface OVER Only Show In (many, many, many a) Town

Golden Tokers OVER 450 In A Jacket

Banned Camp OVER Nittany Isn't A Color

Miami of Florida OVER Directional Florida (C-Squad)

The Hat OVER QB Who Lifts With the Linemen

Looks Like A High School Stadium—That Means a Chance of Walking Taco Availability OVER Utah State

Jonestown OVER Ugliest Throwback Unis in the History Of Sport

Lackadaisicals OVER Evangelical Enforcers

Biker Staches OVER Other Bluegrass Boys

Not as Memorable as Ragin' Cajuns Covers OVER Party Shirts

Ingenious Marketing Student Mascot OVER Letterman Whitlocks

Middle OVER Surprisingly Provincial Florida University

Ragin' Cajuns OVER Directional Texas (N-Squad)

Terrelle Pryor and the Amazing Technicolor Eye Black: Automimicry Theory in FB

Jaws of Defeat — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:39:46 -0400

At first glance, Terrelle Pryor's Ohio State logo eye black sticker may seem like a counterproductive embellishment on an already useless piece of uniform accoutrement.

At first glance to a defensive back, however, they may appear as something else entirely.

Eye black, in its initial concept, reduced glare to improve performance—although its chief use, until recently, has been as a war paint of sorts. Currently, with the advent of stickers and their writable surfaces, its primary use is that of a tiny billboard to show team logos, jersey numbers, or coded messages which intrigued fans are wont to Google.

Terrelle Pryor has chosen to show his team logo on his eye black since he donned cartoon bird faces on his cheeks in high school. So far, he has continued on this route by wearing a Buckeyes logo on his cheeks at Ohio State. Each sticker consists of a white circle with graphics in the center, on a dark horizontal field, and is placed just below each eye.

An eyespot, or ocellus, is an eye-like marking found on birds, butterflies, and lizards. They may be used to deceive predators or prey or to distract attention away from vulnerable parts of the body.

With respect to defensive backs in coverage, Pryor's most vulnerable body parts are his eyes, and he is the prey.

With the aid of his Officially Licensed NCAA eyespots, Pryor will make all of those predators his prey until Roger Goodell stops him.

During a split-second glance from tens of yards away, a defender attempting to read the quarterback's eyes could easily affix his attention to the white of the logo just below Pryor's eyes and miss the read before he must refocus his attention to coverage. The quarterback's “looking off” will be the most confusing they've seen since playing Madden '06 for the first time.

Even if Terrelle Pryor's current eye black logo isn't fooling DBs much now, Ohio State should improve them until they do. Ohio State and every other school should create a logo that mimics the eye and stick them on their skill players' cheeks until such devices are brought under regulation.

It's time for eye black to have an on-field purpose again.

It looks too cool to not have one.

Kentucky's Hartline Sports Bangs to Beat 'Bama (Humor)

Jaws of Defeat — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 19:26:16 -0400

The historic success of Alabama's quarterbacks with swoosh cuts in Bryant-Denny stadium has Kentucky's attention, enough for its own signal caller to adopt the style as his own.

"This is a must-win game for us," Hartline said. "We want our program to be considered in the upper tier of the SEC and a win over Alabama will show that. With a 'W' in that environment, the rest of the country will take notice and stop thinking of Kentucky as 'just a basketball school.' ”

“We've been overlooked for what has been called a weak schedule, but those were some good football teams we beat and our defense is awesome. If combing my hair down to my eyebrows like this helps our chances, I'm going to do it.” He then punctuated his statements with a hesitant hair flip to the side after an urging nod from a graduate assistant.

Starting quarterbacks, including opponents, with bangs have a won 36 of 46 games in Tuscaloosa since 2002. The Crimson Tide (5-0) will host the Wildcats (4-0) there Saturday (3:30 CBS).

“When our stat guys presented me with the numbers, I had them rechecked twice,” Kentucky Head Coach Rich Brooks said. “After I conferred with Joker, we presented the report to Mike and he looked up asked us when the cut could be made. I had it done immediately so he could grow accustomed to it with as many snaps as possible.”

“Some people say it's all academic, and that all young men in Alabama have that haircut, so it's not a factor in our football game. First of all, that statement is obviously false since there are a lot of African Americans in Alabama, and the last African American to sport that haircut was Question Mark of 'Question Mark and the Mysterians.' And that was 40 years ago, in Michigan.”

“Secondly, some young men in Alabama have male pattern baldness and shave their heads. Our guys have done the legwork on this one, it all has to do with crowd. We know what we're doing.”

Alabama faithful agree that the crowd can't help but give a lift to any player who sports the “Jackson Fringe.” “I've heard Hartline's already put in the extensions,” said one Alabama season ticket holder “so I'm not telling any tales out of school here when I admit that we can't help but root for a guy who puts some feathery side-swept locks out there on the gridiron.”

He then became choked up and concluded, “With the offense at their fingertips, barking out orders, in front of over 90 thousand fans on a crisp Alabama Saturday, and a wispy 'Loosa-Do topping it all—shoot, it's the closest we can get to seeing an angel work in heaven until the good Lord calls your number himself.”

“It's a big game for us and Coach Saban is letting us know we haven't achieved anything yet,” Alabama quarterback John Parker Wilson said. “I'm not nervous about Mike attempting to lure the crowd into a silent awe to make his audibles and snap count effective.”

“Once I take that helmet off after our first touchdown, they'll see these sandy waves they've been supporting these past three years and remember who brought them to this dance,” he said.

Alabama Coach Nick Saban is rumored to have a counter-measure for Brooks' coaching-up of Hartline's hairdo. BearsTusks.com, an Alabama football blog, claimed that Saban has scheduled his next use of the Alabama University jet to fly in a Hollywood hairstylist. The reports are founded on tracking numbers, flight paths, and a cross-referencing of last names from a Crimson Tide Booster publication which were all readily available on the Internet.

Rampant hypotheses are pointing toward a Saban hairstyle that will make Hartline's pale in comparison. Some Internet message boards are buzzing with fears that Saban's “Montgomery Brim” could draw too much attention away from Wilson's and Tide's offensive production will suffer as a result.

The savvy coach was quick to fan the flames of the rumors and increasing his team's media coverage to close his last press conference before Saturday's game. “Can you tell me what kind of haircut Les Miles had when his top ranked Tigers lost to this Kentucky team last year?” Saban asked. “You can't, he was wearing a hat. At this time, I'll just say that I won't be repeating his mistake.”

For Saban's Tide to roll, they'll need to overcome a classic trap game with the Wildcats. For Kentucky, the game will be the first measuring stick of the season. And for both teams, they'll get to show a national audience how their products on the field fare, without any product.

Bionic Sam Wyche Brings New Voice to Bengals (Humor)

Jaws of Defeat — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 07:27:35 -0400

A former quarterback and head coach, 63-year-old Sam Wyche used his voice to bark orders on the gridiron over three decades.

But he hadn't uttered more than a whisper since his vocal chord was severed eight years ago and he's been out of the NFL ever since, until now. Last night, Wyche announced his return to the Cincinnati Bengals to a crowd of thousands gathered at Paul Brown Stadium. And he did it in a melodic baritone heard by all, without a PA system.

There will be no stymied football talks for Sam Wyche. The 28-hour “first of its kind” operation that ended Saturday morning at the Mayo Clinic changed all of that.

A few hours after surgery, Wyche's new voice emitted a deep grumbling moan with slight feedback from the plastic conical depression where his breastplate used to be. It was echoed with sighs of relief from the surgical team and bioengineers whom had worked for nearly a decade to achieve it.

In a first, short press conference Monday with reporters in his hospital room, Wyche sat up in a torso brace while his new resonance chamber was settling into position.

At the prompting of Dr. John Schaller, the head of his surgical team, Wyche performed the major note scale of Do-Re-Mi while Schaller adjusted the output with a laptop connected to Wyche's implant. The tuning of Wyche's voice and his vocal exercises will be important, Schaller said later in an interview with Reuters.

“I guarantee you Coach Wyche is going to give it his all—he's a competitor—but it's ultimately up to his biological processes to determine the results. Sam's been saying that we've just made it to overtime and now we need to win the coin flip. He's right, we just can't call it a success yet,” the chief of surgery said.

Wyche's chest is being monitored closely for signs of clotting and liquid gathering in his partially excised lungs, but everything has been good so far, Schaller said.

"We're almost complete with this phase...Anything can happen. We don't want to overlook this obstacle, but it's a real struggle to not notice 'Phase Two' coming up on our calendar," he said.

Schaller, an Oakley (Cincinnati) native, said he chose Wyche from a list of thousands of candidates for two reasons: his robust health gave a good chance of accepting the implant, and he provides the best chance of raising the Cincinnati “Bungles” from the doldrums of professional sports.

Dr. Schaller told CNN that there was a 60 percent to 80 chance that Wyche would be named the new head coach and general manager if the Bengals miss the playoffs, in an attempt to bring some levity to Tuesday's press conference.

Former Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis was fired shortly after that interview.

In Cincinnati Wednesday, a parade down Elm Street was held in Wyche's honor. It culminated at Paul Brown Stadium with a press conference where Wyche was introduced as the Bengals' new head coach and general manager.

Wyche will have to take medication indefinitely to help his body adapt to his newly amplified voice, but, after this afternoon's practice, he's happy with the sacrifice. “Being able to communicate with players and staff two fields away and then pump 'Dog Pound' crowd noise in Shane Graham's face is a wonderful ability,” Wyche bellowed. “The most effective use so far has been blaring local sports talk radio during Oklahoma drills. I've never seen anything like it.”

It's been reported that a similar operation was offered by the Cleveland Clinic. When asked about the offer Wyche responded with a booming, “No comment.”

USC Blames Loss on Mediocre Sideline Celebs

Jaws of Defeat — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 10:42:16 -0400

It had been a decade since Patrick Duffy appeared on TGIF’s Step by Step.

Only a handful of “celebrities” showed up on USC’s sideline last night—and most of them haven’t seen a Golden Globe red carpet since the Carson Palmer signed his National Letter of Intent.The initial letdown was more than evident as Oregon State built a seemingly insurmountable 21-point first-half lead lead while USC players struggled to conjure any star-powered inspiration whatsoever.

Along with Duffy, the “Sidelame”—coined by a third quarter student section sign—featured a washed-up alt-rocker, a comic book artist, an art-house director, and one of the kids from TLC’s series “Little People Big World.” It resulted in a definitive lack of enthusiasm the Trojans could not overcome and giggle fits the Beavers easily put aside each time they broke the huddle.

“I think it’s pretty obvious who let us down tonight,” USC QB Mark Sanchez said. “How can I be expected to dominate when some nerd is yacking to me why Marvel Universes aren’t a ‘crutch of lazy narrative.’ I don’t need that before a game. I need Will Ferrell delivering a non-sequitur to me in a sincere whisper voice. I needed to get hyped!”

The Beavers (2-2, 1-1 Pacific-10) also upset USC here in 2006, when the Trojans were addled by Trail Blazers 6th man and yet another comic book artist. Oregon State had previously beaten the country’s No. 1 team only once, in 1967 by beating the Trojans and a smattering of “tuned in” hippies who had hitched a ride on the team bus en route to the game.

Late in the fourth quarter, OSU safety Greg Laybourn intercepted a Sanchez pass and ran 28 yards to the USC two, sealing the victory for the Beavers.

A late comeback effort was almost mounted after Sanchez sat on the bench to talk with one of the kids from “Little People Big World” at the insistence of his Offensive Coordinator. The Heisman hopeful rallied with a 14-yard touchdown strike to Patrick Turner with 1:19 left, but all hope was lost when Sanchez returned to find a standing Jeremy Roloff and realized he wasn’t “one of the little ones.”

“All of the passion I’d felt coming off the field deflated immediately. Sure, that kid is featured just as much as his smaller stature family members on that show. But frankly, his average height is not the reason it’s on television. Excuse me, basic cable,” he said while gesturing a finger gun in his mouth.

“I blame myself,” USC coach Pete Carroll said. “We tried to get [Greg] Oden, but we poured it on too thick against his alma mater last week. We didn’t need three NBC stars, Christian Slater, John Krasinski, and Ed Helms to beat the Buckeyes. In modern elite college football, it all comes to your star-power strategy and that national embarrassment a real bummer. I turned it up too much last week and that came back to bite us here tonight. I mean, Krasinski and Helms are on the same hit show, that should have been a red flag right there.”

The sidelines were the most underwhelming since USC traveled to Manhattan, Kansas in 2002—a game which they lost despite a slight boost from Johnnie Morton and George Brett’s half-brother.

“Our guys were somewhat intrigued.” Oregon State coach Mike Riley said of the VIP list. “ We respect their local connections, but that ‘Father of Mine’ video was out of rotation by the time these boys hit middle school. It was a non-factor.”

The running game was an overwhelming disappointment for the Trojans in Reser Stadium. USC running back Joe McKnight only managed to gain 10 yards against a bemused Beaver defense and cited a director Gus Van Sant as “A strange dude, who I never want to see again.”

He played up the contrast from last week’s trouncing of Ohio State as well. “This didn’t happen against Ohio State” McKnight said, “ I talked about Bad Boys I and II with Mr. Bruckheimer to get hyphy during warm-ups and then I went to Jamie Foxx and Denzel throughout the game to get my focus. I can’t get my focus with some guy insisting that I’ll be marginalized by society the instant I blow out a knee.”

“It was just an off night for us—every PR person, everyone who’s ever been in OK magazine.” Sanchez said. “We scheduled this game how long ago, and the most relevant pop culture blip we have to show for ourselves is a Family Guy cameo from Season Two [Duffy]? I think I speak for all of the guys when I say we’d gladly trade in a few ‘hundred dollar handshakes’ to get a Patrick Warburton a business class ticket to games like this.”

“From this point on, to keep our BCS hopes alive, we’ll gladly take any attractive person on prime time TV, including cable.” Sanchez bemoaned. “Well, anyone except for a Kardashian. We’ve seen what they can do to offensive production.”