Bleacher Report - Articles by John 'Fatty'-Fatland

Lamar Odom Talks: Is He Going To Stay with the Lakers?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 23:23:21 -0400

At the Lakers' championship DVD release and player signing today, Lamar Odom was interviewed by the Orange County Register. This video was posted by Janis Carr.

Watch the video, and decide for yourself. Does it sound like Odom is leaving the championship Lakers for another team?

True, Mitch Kupchak said just yesterday that a Odom signing was becoming unlikely, as posted by Carr.

But you have to wonder, who else can entice Odom to leave the Lakers as they contend for another championship?

Which team can offer more money than the Lakers?

It was reported today that the Mavericks are interested, and it was even confirmed by Mark Cuban. But Dallas can only offer the mid-level exception, which is less than the $8 million/yr. the Lakers are reported to have offered.

Would Odom leave the Lakers for a relatively low offer like Trevor Ariza did? It would seem very unlikely.

And how about Portland? True, if Millsap is not signed, they could offer Odom more money than the Lakers, but not much more.

After looking at the video, do you really think, Odom, a "Big City" guy, would leave L.A., the city he loves, for a small, Hooterville, rural place like Portland?

I don't think so. I think he stays and signs this week, which will make many Lakers fans happy.

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Lakers pull offer to Lamar. Dr. Buss upset his agent is not returning calls, but can talk to Cuban.

http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-lakers-lamar-odom15-2009jul15,0,5773043.story

General Managing for Dummies: The Unofficial Guide for Successful NBA GMs

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 12:46:32 -0400

Has this ever happened to you? You make a comment on a blog about a potential trade and others ridicule and embarrass you. "That is the stupidest idea ever!" "What are you smoking?" "Do you even watch the games?!"

It doesn't have to be that way.

Would you like to impress others with your ideas, rather than become blog fodder? "That's a great idea!" "Man, you really know your stuff!" Do you want people to wonder if you are really an NBA general manager posing as a commenter?

It's possible to be that good with my easy, simple-to-follow course, "General Managing for Dummies."

By following my instructions, soon fellow commenters will be amazed at your knowledge and insight. "If our team listens to you, they will win the NBA Championship EVERY year."

Would you like to be THE general manager of the blogs? Do you think you have what it takes to be the GM that everyone is talking about and wishing, they were just like you?!

Take the GM qualifying test to see if you have what it takes.

Do you watch sports on TV?

Do you read articles on your favorite team?

More importantly, are you currently reading the articles on the blogs? And, can you comment on them?

Do you have the ability to analyze box scores?

Can you form opinions?

And finally, can you balance a check book?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, then you can qualify not only to be a blog GM, but probably be the general manager of your favorite team.

Remember, anyone can general manage. Just look at the Knicks, Clippers, and Grizzlies. But can you be a good one?

With my book and course, "General Managing for Dummies," you too can know the secrets of every GM that make them into proven winners, or at least fool the public and trick their owners into believing they are qualified to run the team.

This is the book that no GM will admit or confess they own, but always has it within arms reach.

How much would you gladly pay to have this valuable knowledge in your possession? Two, three, four thousand dollars or more?!

Well you don't have to pay a thing! It's absolutely free! As a user to Bleacher Report, you not only get great access to fan articles of your favorite teams, but now in this exclusive offer, you can take my course and learn how to be the general manager of your dreams.

Over a series of articles published here, you will learn everything you need to know to be the best possible GM on the blogs and perhaps EVEN be hired by your favorite team! It's well known that team owners are constantly examining the blogs for great ideas and future GMs. Could you be chosen as your teams next GM?

Yes, that is possible with my course!

I've interviewed some of the best to learn how to be one of the best. Just look at some of the gems of knowledge you will acquire.

How to make a trade and not get fired? The Timberwolves' Kevin McHale's personal guide to trading.

When to make an "under the table" deal, and not get caught. With a forward from the San Antonio Spurs great, Gregg Popovich.

Its not illegal if the NBA okay's it! Step-by-step instructions from the Lakers' Mitch Kupchak.

Understanding the Salary Cap? With a complete financial explanation by former New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas.

You don't have to win to make money. The Clippers Donald Sterling helps you to understand the workings of the NBA.

When all else fails...Dallas owner Mark Cuban shows how just signing a check can solve any problem.

Are you a moron or a genius? Steve Kerr explains the intricacies of difficult trades and team building.

How to use and abuse your old friends in the NBA. A special heartwarming story by Danny Ainge.

Selling ice to the Eskimos: How I pulled off the Shaq trade to the Phoenix Suns by Pat Riley of the Miami Heat

Plus, you will learn the "do's and don'ts" of every deal. And the little known, three basic essentials that make trades really go down.

The math, exaggeration and boastabilty.

The math don't lie, but...

"Don't be fooled by the 'trade machines' found at ESPN and other fan sites. Just because the math adds up, doesn't mean the trade will work."

True, LeBron James for Ben Wallace does work on the trade machines. Not only could that deal get you ridiculed endlessly, but offering that trade on a Cleveland blog could get you burned at the stake.

When not to exaggerate a players value...

If Smush Parker can score 40 in a Summer League game, it doesn't mean he can score 40 for a real NBA team.

Proper boastabilty seals the deal....

Perhaps one of the most overlooked thoughts in trade making. BOTH sides must be able to boast that they took the other side to the cleaners, even if not true.

This is just a sample of the incredible things you will learn in this series of articles and lessons you will find on this special addition of Bleacher Reports. Be sure not to miss a single lesson, so you can be the best in chasing your dream as a 'top flite' GM on the blogs.

Next, upcoming article worth waiting for:

Lesson #1: So what if your team stinks! They can still look good on paper.

NBA Summer League In Vegas: Are You Fan Enough To Go?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:15:32 -0400

NBA addicts and basketball junkies.

Do you find yourself wishing the NBA season was still here?

Are you counting the days until the 2009 season starts?

And tired of watching old games on the DVR over and over again?

You don't have to suffer anymore. There is a fix to your addiction. You can be helped.

The NBA Las Vegas Summer League can solve your problem.

Where else can you stay in a hotel for less then $20 a night, eat all you want for $2.99, get free beer, and watch six NBA games, all in one day for only $25? **

Sounds too good to be true, right?

You heard correct. This has to be one of the best travel bargains in the world for an NBA junkie.

Sounds tempting, no? It gets better.

Twenty-one NBA teams composed of the best from college, top NBA rookies, and eager free agents will all be playing hard to get a spot on your favorite NBA team.

It's fun. It's exciting. It's more than amazing. And it's a blast!

I know, I've been there, and am still on a buzz, and high from my experience.

Good seats, eh buddy?!

Everything is close. It feels like you're not only in the middle of stuff, but part of it.

You don't have to be a Movie or Rock star to get great seats. The benches are right in front of you. What would you pay for that seat in a big NBA arena?

During warm-ups, I went up to the legendary Lakers coach, Tex Winter and said "Hi." He said, "Hi" back.

And when the game starts, you can yell at the players, and they wave back. Once, Yi pointed and waved back to us after we all chanted his name.

You sit next to, not only other basketball junkies and fellow addicts, but NBA scouts, coaches, and General Managers. Some will take the time to talk to you, if you are not afraid to ask questions.

This is how up close, and personal, it can get,

Once, I was using the urinal next to George Karl, while he was talking to a scout. If not for the awkwardness, I could have gotten his autograph.

"Coach Karl, when you're through, can you sign my program?!"

After the game, the players come up to the lobby for a meet and greet. Not just to sign autographs, but you can actually visit and ask questions.

The Crowd

Normal NBA crowds for me are way too laid back, but not this one.

The crowds really get into the game. They scream, yell, ooh and aah with the action, and challenge the NBA players to go at it, and sometimes they do. They really know basketball.

They love the slam dunks, swatted shots, and challenges, and then scream for more.

My daughter got into it and was yelling to Berea from the Dallas Mavericks, "Wow baby, you are looking good!" Then turned to me, and said, "Daddy, can I take him home, please!"

"The Elevator"

Next to the lobby, and near the court entrance is "the elevator," my favorite place to hang. I quickly learned that this is "the elevator" that might make a player's career or possibly crush it. Hanging around it, and waiting, were free agents, some very nervous, and their more nervous, "show me the money" agents.

"The elevator" would open, then they all would anxiously look and see if they were being invited by General Managers to go up. For them, it had to be like some version of The Twilight Zone. Oddly, I saw them go in, but never come back.

One time it opened and Steve Kerr came out, walked up to a player next to me and said "Let's go." He glanced at me, as if to say, "Are you with them?" I shook my head no, but felt like wishing the kid 'good luck'.

Into "the elevator" they went, up to some office to talk possible contracts. I was really nervous for that guy.

Are you going?

For this price, in this economy, almost anyone can afford this NBA fix. Even the wife or girlfriend will let you go. Just tell them its a vacation, "It Vegas baby!", and of course, take them as well.

I don't know why anyone would want all the other Vegas stuff, with all this going down. But if you feel compelled to drink, gamble, and party all night, then you can certainly do so, and the Vegas businesses will love it.

If you plan to go, here's some information from NBA.com. Check out your team's site and see who they are sending.

Look me up if you get a chance. I'm the guy, getting his "fix", by loitering near "the elevator" pretending to be some big-time agent.

** To get the free beer, you must be 21 and be betting in the casinos, or at least, like me, pretending to be pulling the slots.

Be Careful What You Wish For LeBron

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:21:58 -0400

We are going to do some time traveling, so hang on and enjoy the ride.

It's a few months into the future and the NBA season has started. LeBron has just fallen asleep on the Cavaliers jet, fresh off a win, feeling good and satisfied, knowing his team is rolling along for another successful year.

You could see his face smiling, except for the darkened jet interior. He's quietly snoring with only young guys in the back of the plane heard laughing, as they share game stories over poker.

He is deep asleep, deep, deep into dreaming... (cue dreamy music)

As he is browsing through a Goodwill store for some new threads, LeBron hears a faint voice coming from a brass bottle.

"Let me out!"

Staring at the bottle, he says, "What the hey! Are you talking to me?!"

"What do you think, your highness? Yeah, get me out of this thing, and PLEASE! Do it now! It's hot in here! I just came from Phoenix, and this damn thing ain't got no air conditioning!!"

"How do I get you out?"

Sarcastically the voice from the bottle yells back, "Just pick up the bottle and read the instructions. Oh, please, not someone who can't read?!"

"I can read, let's see, it says: Easy to follow instructions in English, Spanish instructions on reverse side: Rub bottle, release Genie, and get three wishes, guaranteed or your money back, less shipping and handling."

LeBron now quickly starts to rub the bottle.

The voice from the bottle moans with pleasure, "Ah, that feels good! A little lower please, that's it, a little to the right, you got it!"

As greenhouse friendly smoke begins to leave the bottle, a genie appears before LeBron James.

Now this Genie is HUGE, more than seven feet tall and weighing maybe 350 pounds! LeBron notices he is wearing a rather dapper genie silk suit, adorned in red, yellow and white colors, and wearing some funky Chinese sneakers. And like typical genies, he has one bright shiny bald head.

The genie is now grinning from ear to ear and says, "Hi, I'm the 'Big Genie' of the bottle. Your wish is my command!"

LeBron, not even hesitating, knows what he wants. He pulls out his wallet, takes out a card, and starts to read from it his three wishes. "Been saving this card for one of those 'sell your soul to Devil thingys' but I guess it will work with you. Here's my contract demands, I mean my wishes. Now you can fulfill these right?"

The "Big Genie" laughs hardily, "Don't doubt me and make me mad. I can do anything!"

"Okay then, here's my first wish. Make me the strongest, the fastest, the quickest, most talented player, the NBA has ever seen."

The "Big Genie" is again laughing and saying, "That's it? No problem. Done!"

"Good. Now for my second wish. I want to be the first NBA player to make one billion dollars."

The "Big Genie" rolls his eyes and shakes his head thinking what a waste of a wish. But he gives LeBron a nod confirming "Your wish is my command!"

"And for my third wish, I want an NBA Championship!"

The "Big Genie" suddenly looks confused and distraught. He starts to mumble and stutter, "I'm...I'm...not so sure...I.....I...can do that one, that's a pretty tall order."

"But you promised!"

"Yeah I sort of did, hey look! It's Kobe!" as the "Big Genie" points away. Then he quickly returns to the bottle.

LeBron is now grabbing the bottle and rubbing it as hard as he can, yelling, "But you promised! You promised!"

A voice is now heard loudly. "Why in the heck are you rubbing my head, LeBron?!" A startled Shaq, sitting next to him on the plane is yelling.

"Sorry Shaq, I was just having a bad dream."

And the moral of this story.....

Be careful what you wish for with the "Big Genie," it might, just might, not come out as expected.

Authors note: All in Phoenix had a similar wish when Shaq came to town. Shaq didn't play bad, in fact, he surprised many by his good play. But it didn't happen like expected. And now the "Big Genie," with his $20 million contract is headed to Cleveland. Hopefully, he will not prove to be the "Evil Genie" ruining Cleveland's chances at a Finals.

Spending $20 million on an older part-time center is one great risk. I know everyone is wishing, and hoping, some even praying for their dreams to come true. I don't want to shatter your dreams, but look what happened to the Phoenix Suns before you start celebrating prematurely. They had a great team when he arrived, and became a Lottery team, when he left.

Even if it turns out less than you like, I hope you enjoy Shaq as much as we did in Arizona. He's funny even when you are losing.

Best wishes Cavaliers Fans!

Watch an NBA Game For Less Than $4.17?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 00:15:52 -0400

Where can you stay in a hotel for less then $20 a night, eat all you want for $1.99, get free beer, and watch six NBA games, live and in person, up close, for only $25? **

Sounds too good to be true, right?

Not if you are in Las Vegas between July 10 and 19 for the NBA Summer League 2009.

You heard correct. This has to be one of the best bargains in the world for an NBA junkie, who doesn't want the season to end.

Sounds tempting, no? It gets better.

Twenty-one NBA teams composed of the best from college, top NBA rookies, and eager free agents will all be playing hard to get a spot on your favorite NBA team, or perhaps some European team. It's fun. It's exciting. It's more than amazing. It's a blast!

Good seats, eh buddy?!

There are no nose-bleed sections here. Most of the games are in the small and quaint Cox Pavillion, a large high school-like gym. You see all of the action up close. When you yell at the players, they can look and wave back. Yi did this to us and a Chinese group next to us.

We even razzed Jimmie Buss, VP and part-owner of the Lakers, who was sitting courtside.

We yelled, "Make a trade Buss!" He looked up, waved, and said something nice back.

Cool.

Up close, and personal.

The benches are right in front of you. What would you pay for that seat in a big NBA arena?

During warm-ups, I went up to a Lakers coach, Tex Winter and said "Hi." He said, "Hi" back.

You sit next to, not only other basketball junkies, but NBA scouts, coaches, and General Managers.

Once, get this, I was using the urinal next to George Karl, while he was talking to a scout. If not for the awkwardness, I could have gotten his autograph.

"Coach Karl, when you're through, can you sign my program?!"

After the game, the players come up to the lobby, not just to sign autographs, but to visit.

The Crowd

Normal NBA crowds for me are way too laid back, but not this one.

The crowds really get into the game. They scream, yell, ooh and awh with the action, and challenge the NBA players, to go at it. They really know basketball. They love the slam dunks, swatted shots, and challenges, and then scream for more.

My daughter got into it and was yelling, "Woe baby, you are looking good!" Then turned to me, and said, "Daddy, can I take him home, please!"

"The Elevator"

Next to the lobby, and near the court entrance is "the elevator," my favorite place to hang. I quickly learned that this is "the elevator" that might make a player's career or possibly crush it. Hanging around it were free agents, some very nervous, and their more nervous, "show me the money" agents.

Steve Kerr walked up to one next to me and said "Let's go." He glanced at me, like, "Are you with them?" I shook my head no. Into "the elevator" they went, up to some office. I guessed they were going to talk free agent business stuff. I was really nervous for that guy.

Are you going?

For this price, in this economy, almost anyone can afford this vacation. Even the wife or girlfriend will let you go, if, you take them as well.

I don't know why anyone would want all the other Vegas stuff, with all this going down, but if you feel compelled to drink, gamble, and party all night, then you can certainly do so, and the Vegas businesses will love it, if you do.

If you plan to go, here's some information from NBA.com. Check out your team's site and see who they are sending.

Look me up if you get a chance. I'm the guy, loitering near "the elevator" pretending to be some big-time agent.

** To get the free beer, you must be 21 and be betting in the casinos, or at least, like me, pretending to be pulling the slots like Fred Sanford did, on "Sanford and Son."

"Waitress, bring me a drink, or I'm not pulling your slot until you do!"

Will LeBron Get His Wish For a Title?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:49:24 -0400

We are going to do some time traveling, so hang on and enjoy the ride.

Its a few months into the future and the NBA season has started. LeBron has just fallen asleep on the Cavaliers jet, fresh off a win, feeling good and satisfied, knowing his team is rolling along for another successful year.

You could see his face smiling, except for the darkened jet interior. He's quietly snoring with only young guys in the back of the plane heard laughing, as they share game stories over Poker.

He is deep asleep, deep, deep into dreaming.....(cue dreamy music)

As he is browsing through a Goodwill store for some new threads. LeBron hears a faint voice coming from a brass bottle. "Let me out!"

Staring at the bottle, he says, "What the hey! Are you talking to me?!"

"What do you think, your highness? Yeah, get me out of this thing, and PLEASE! Do it now! It's hot in here! I just came from Phoenix, and this damn thing ain't got no air conditioning!!"

"How do I get you out?"

Sarcastically the voice from the bottle yells back, "Just pick up the bottle and read the instructions. Oh, please, not someone who can't read?!"

LeBron now quickly starts to rub the bottle. The voice from the bottle moans with pleasure, "Ah, that feels good! A little lower please, that's it, a little to the right, you got it!" As green house friendly smoke begins to leave the bottle, a genie appears before LeBron James.

Now this Genie is HUGE, more than seven feet tall and weighing maybe 350 lbs! LeBron notices he is wearing a rather dapper genie silk suit, adorned in Red, Yellow, White colors, and wearing some funky Chinese sneakers. And like typical genies, he has one bright shiny bald head.

The genie is now grinning from ear to ear and says, "Hi, I'm the 'Big Genie' of the bottle. Your wish is my command!"

LeBron, not even hesitating, knows what he wants. He pulls out his wallet, takes out a card, and starts to read from it his three wishes. "I've been ready for just such an occasion for years. Here's my contract demands, I mean my wishes. Now you can fulfill these right?"

The "Big Genie" laughs hardily, "Don't doubt me and make me mad. I can do anything!"

"Okay then, here's my first wish. Make me the strongest, the fastest, the quickest, most talented player, the NBA has ever seen."

The "Big Genie" is again laughing and saying, "That's it? No problem. Done!"

"Good. Now for my second wish. I want to be the first NBA player to make one billion dollars."

The "Big Genie" rolls his eyes and shakes his head thinking what a waste of a wish. But he gives LeBron a nod confirming "Your wish is my command!"

"And for my third wish, I want an NBA Championship!"

The "Big Genie" suddenly looks confused and distraught. He starts to mumble and stutter, "I'm...I'm...not so sure...I.....I...can do that one, that's a pretty tall order."

"But you promised!"

"Yeah I sort of did, "Hey look! It's Kobe!" as the "Big Genie" points away. Then he quickly returns to the bottle.

LeBron is now grabbing the bottle and rubbing it as hard as he can, yelling, "But you promised! You promised!"

A voice is now heard loudly. "Why in the heck are you rubbing my head, LeBron?!" A startled Shaq, sitting next to him on the plane is yelling.

"Sorry Shaq, I was just having a bad dream."

And the moral of this story.....

Be careful what you wish for, it might, just might, come true.

Authors note: All in Phoenix had a similar wish when Shaq came to town. Shaq didn't play bad, in fact, he surprised many by his good play. But it didn't happen like expected. And now the "Big Genie", the "Big Cactus" with his 20 million dollar contract is headed to Cleveland. Even if you lose, I hope you enjoy him as much as we did in Arizona. Best wishes Cavaliers Fans!

Ron Artest As a Muppet...

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 11:42:04 -0400

Did you happen to see Ron Artest's ESPN interview after he agreed to sign with the Lakers?

That dude was 'hyper excited' to be a Lakers. So hyper in fact, he could hardly contain his emotions. And looks to me, he is afflicted with R.A.D.D.

"Ron's Attention Deficit Disorder".

How bad does Ron have this unique affliction only peculiar to him?

Its soo bad, I think he will do anything to win a Lakers Championship.

Even BEFORE he was a Lakers, he was eager to 'win one for the Kobester', when he visited naked Kobe, in the shower, after the Lakers loss to Boston. "Kobe, I will do everything in my power to help you win a Title." An obvious R.A.D.D. moment

How bad does Ron Artest want another Lakers Championship? How much will he dedicate himself to the effort? More than the hardest working player in the NBA, Kobe?

If the shower incident is any indicator, he might just top Kobe's famous work ethic. And if that's the case, he should certainly be rewarded with his own Muppet comercial in my book.

So this is the Muppet commercial, I would like to see.

Here's the setting: Muppet Ron Artest is showing up at Kobe’s place at four in the morning. Ron is ringing the doorbell over and over again, as Kobe now opens the door half-asleep.

Picture Ron as the obnoxious, pesky kid.

“Cmon Kobe, let’s go work out!”

“Its 4 AM Ron!”

“Yeah, I know, sorry I’m late, but we got a Championship to win, and you know what they say, “The early bird gets the Title! Right Kobe, right Kobe!”

In the background, we hear LeBron yell out. “Who’s at the door Kobe?! Its the middle of the night!”

“It's nobody LeBron. go back to bed!”

“Hey Kobe, if LeBron wants to work out, he can come too. That would be fun. We’d be the Three Amigos. That sounds really nice Kobe. Uh Kobe?! Uh Kobe?!”

“That’s okay Ron, he don’t usually wake up 'till 10. And today, he’s meeting Shaq at Dunkin Donuts”

“Hey Kobe, Kobe, what you say after we lift weights we go down to El Segundo and play some one on one, followed by some three on three at UCLA. Ooh! Ooh! Kobe, I got a better idea. Let’s form a team and go to Las Vegas and play some in the NBA Summer League”

“Ron, Ron….” (Kobe shaking his head in disapproval)

“Kobe, Kobe, get this, We call ourselves, ‘The Brothers from LA’. That way, everyone knows we family now!”

“Ron, Ron…..I’m not even dressed!…….

“That’s okay Kobe, you can change in the car. We can’t waste time, because every second counts when you are trying to win a Championship. Right Kobe?! Right Kobe?!

“And Kobe, I got a real good idea, real good one. How about, I move in with you all? Then we can talk basketball ALL the time”

Kobe rolls his eyes wondering, what am I in for?

Author's note: If Ron-Ron puts in the effort he is capable of and follows through on his R.A.D.D. enthusiasm with earnest committment. Good results may follow for the Lakers and him. Its going to be an interesting season, for sure.

Phil Jackson: The NBA's First Part-Time, $12 Million Coach

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 07:32:30 -0400

(Photo caption: Lakers coach, Phil Jackson seen orchestrating a Lakers win in person)

Lakers coach Phil Jackson talked yesterday on the radio about his next Lakers season and his health. He really wants to coach, but his health may limit his activity.

So he is proposing a rather novel idea, doing it part time. Staying home, while the Lakers travel, watching the games on TV, like we do, but getting paid millions, like we don't.

When I first tried to picture this, my favorite TV show, Futurama came to mind. Phil's face on a Plasma TV, placed on his coach's chair, barking out orders, whistling to get his guys attention, yelling at Lamar to stay focused. I can see Jordon Farmar leaning over to the TV and asking Coach Jackson, "Please coach, put me in!"

But as Coach Jackson explained, Kurt Rambis would be taking up the reins while he's home.

Still you have to wonder, could Phil really give up his control, even partially? This is his team, his baby; he built them from scratch. It would certainly be a new chapter in his life, and adjustments would be needed.

And how would it effect his team's play? Would he lose touch with the daily happenings of the Lakers? Could he really do a PJ-like way of coaching from afar? Perhaps Zen mastering in an out-of-body experience, communicating by celestial stars.

Would he still be playing his famous mind games, but now truly meditating from mind to mind, sitting at home, crossed legged, thinking negative thoughts for opposing teams' players? "Miss, miss, miss...AH....uhmmmmm!"

At least the romantic side of me could see this happening.

Plus, I was also thinking, how would Phil emotionally handle the on-again, off-again NBA season? One week, intense home games, the next week, all-you-can-eat sushi at his favorite restaurant. Could he remain focused living so near the beach, with the beautiful and vivacious Jeannie Buss at his side?

Still trying to visualize the finalizing of all this, I came to the conclusion that it might just be crazy enough to work.

Try to imagine this: The LA Lakers are on a tough East Coast road trip. They are playing the Boston Celtics, and the game is tied, with two seconds to go after Ray Allen just missed two closeout free throws (hey I know, but it's my fantasy).

The Lakers have called a timeout, to set up what they hope is one last game winning shot. The players have huddled around not their coach, but a cell phone, as he is 3,000 miles away, in his condo in Santa Monica.

It's like a bad Charlie's Angels script, only this one is all too true.

"Lakers!" he exhorts over the phone.

"Yes Phil?" they answer.

"I've got a mission for you. You have to run a play, and it's dangerous, but I know you can do it."

Kobe: "Phil, we trust you. What do you want us to do?"

Phil: "That's good Lakers, I know I can count on you. First, Bozely, I mean Rambis, has diagrammed on the board, your assignments. Study them carefully Lakers, the success of your mission will depend on how well you do your roles."

Sasha: "Phil, why am me, Sasha, not in rotation no more?"

Phil: "Sasha, we can talk *cough-bricks-cough* later, right now, we have a game to win"

"Jeannie, can you scratch a little lower, that's it, ah, you got the spot. Oh, where were we Lakers? Your mission? Right...Jeannie, can you turn down the TV, I can't hear the guys...yeah I know, its the semi-finals of So You Think You Can Dance, but this is really important...and would you let the dog out? Thank you."

"Now here's the play. Sun Yue is passing the ball in..."

Rambis interrupting: "Phil, Sun Yue is not here anymore."

Phil: "Uh...that's right. Then put in that red-headed kid, what's his name, you know, Waltons' son."

"Have him pass the ball to Kobe. That should do it. Let me know how it works out. Good luck Lakers."

I said it might be crazy enough to work, not that it would work well.

But I've learned watching him since his Chicago days—never underestimate the power of the 10 rings, Phil will always find a way to get the job done.

Lakers...... "Draft Picks? Draft Picks? We Don't Need No Stinking Draft Picks!"

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:49:23 -0400

(Photo caption: Coming out of a Lakers staff meeting, Dr. Buss tells Commissioner Stern "We don't need your F*****g Charity")

It's June 25, NBA Draft Day as the following scene unfolds before us.

Commissioner David Stern approaches the podium. "The Los Angeles Lakers, with the 29th pick of the first round, choose..."No one?!". He quickly turns to Stu Jackson who is off the stage and gives him a puzzled, "WTH is this?" gesture.

Stu just shrugs, and sends back a, "I don't know?!" look.

Stern turns the note over and reads the rest of the Lakers message. 'And you can keep 42 and 59 as well.'

Seriously, folks, why would the Lakers even want a draft pick? They just won the NBA Championship and are looking pretty good for the near future.

Have you examined their team for next year, and the next, and the next?

They are very solid at every position.

Okay, you might reason that you draft, for back-ups or for insurance. You reason wrong.

Except for the 'versatile one', Lamar Odom, the rest of Lakers are specialists. This is not a weakness but a strength, just as you might see a Doctor who is a specialist. They all know their role, and do it well.

I hope you get my point here. How could a star struck, weak kneed rookie improve what the Lakers organization have already created? He can't.

Why would the good Doctor Buss pay twice the price in salary (See unfair lux tax) for a guy who can't break into the line-up for several years? He won't.

So why all the speculation on who the Lakers draft picks will be? When he can't possibly make the team.

And if one guy did get lucky enough to be drafted and somehow signed with the Lakers, he would only be stuck carrying all the veterans luggage. - A time honored Lakers tradition. Carry all that luggage?! Poor guy, he'd probably quit after a week.

Really, the Lakers Brain Trust have already made the decisions for us.

Listen to what Mitch Kupchak said about the Lakers Draft picks.

“We have three picks, and if we bring back the players we want to we’ll have at least 13 players on our roster. It stands to reason that we’d look to either move a pick, trade a pick, exchange picks for future picks or pick a player and look for them to play overseas for at least a year.”

You don't even have to be a 'read between the lines' expert to see where Mitch is going with this statement. Draft picks are not a priority for the Lakers as, let's say, the Clippers, the perennial Washington Generals of the NBA.

This team is set in stone for some time. If ANY name happens to come across the Lakers draft board, I can guarantee, it will not be pronounceable. Chances are, he's not from the USA. And why? Because of the International Players Rule.

IPR means you draft a project guy, let's say from Spain. Then you don't sign him, which is the beauty of the IPR. Because you don't have to pay him while he develops overseas. And you still own his rights!

Worked very well with Marc Gasol, no?

So, not only will Lakers Fans be celebrating like the Celtics Fans did last year, but they will have one stress and worry free summer. Just think, no need for endless debates on the blogs on who should they take and why my pick is better than yours. What a relief!

Instead, they can be off the computers, out of the houses, and on to the beaches, where Southern Californians earn their well deserved reputation.

Authors note: Some might perceive this Lakers organization as arrogant and you are probably right. It doesn't mean though, that the Lakers are guaranteed to win another Title next year. The NBA has some very good teams worthy of competing for a Championship, like Denver, San Antonio, Utah, Boston, Orlando, Cleveland, etc...

It's just that this team is pretty much set and for the NBA, the draft is meant to give its otherwise lesser teams, some margin of hope.

Update: The Lakers sold their two first picks (4.5 million) and for the 59th pick took someone with a name a little hard to pronounce, Chinemelu Elonu, from Nigeria.

Is Kobe Trying to play General Manager again?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 11:37:31 -0400

The last time Mr. Bryant opened his mouth on how to improve the Lakers, "All Hell broke loose," right?

The media became so focused on Kobe and his Lakers complaints, that we hardly knew the playoffs were happening. It was "all Kobe, all the time" on the blogs, and "Oh, by the way, did you know the Spurs just beat the Cavs in the finals?"

Kobe admitted later that "it wasn't worth it." He would never play General Manager again, that his GM'ing days were behind him. His lips were closed, as he motioned with his hand like a zipper.

Thank you Kobe Bryant! This author, like many of you, loves to watch his masterful play, and has enjoyed his growth and maturity as a player. GM Kobe for me is way too stressful to handle. I don't know about you, but "ship his ass out of here" statements from a guy who "would've rather played on Pluto" is more than the Amazing NBA stuff that I bargained for.

I watch the NBA to escape stress, not to have my blood pressure go off the charts.

And so thankfully, true to his word, GM Kobe has been very quiet, until...the other night.

While on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, Kimmel asked about Lamar Odom and his status with the Lakers, and what did Kobe say? Politely defer to Mitch Kupchak, the actual GM of the Lakers? Oh Hell no! Unbelievably, GM Kobe spoke up. In fact, he got the rest of the Lakers to become "little Kobe GMs" as well, saying, no shouting, "Lamar ain't going anywhere, not if we can help it!"

As more than the average fan, we NBA aficionados, have been trained to read between the lines. We are not satisfied with simple statements from players, like, "Shaq and me have no problems." We know from experience and our special insight that you must read between the lines to get the true meaning of what the player's intent really is.

So what did Kobe, in this public display of a mob shout out, really mean to say?

That if Lamar Odom is not signed, he's walking AND he's taking the entire Lakers team with him.

It's clear as daylight what he was saying to the Lakers management. "So, Dr. Buss, if your watching this show, you better dig down deep in those silver lined pockets of yours and pay the man, or you won't have a team that could beat the Clippers' scrubs."

Now, some of you are probably thinking one of two things: "This author is SO right! GM Kobe is doing it again," while others might be thinking, "Are you kidding me? Are you nuts? He just wants to keep this Championship team together and is speaking from his heart."

Those who feel the latter may be right. These guys are like family. Who would want one of their family members let go? That just ain't right!

But, consider this as well. This Lakers team is built to compete to win NBA Championships for years to come if..... you keep it just the way it is.

Kobe, the player, knows that. GM Kobe knows that as well. This time, GM Kobe learned from the past and decided not to go it alone and turn the NBA World upside down. He brought back-ups. He showed his maturity by cleverly making his demand on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, so most people would view his GM demand as, "They were just funning!"

But Dr. Buss won't see it that way. No sir, that was no joke to him. He, now, sees clearly what us NBA aficionados, us Nostradamus-like fans, who view as " child's play," how to read between the lines, also know.

Kobe wants Lamar Odom back; and what GM Kobe wants, he usually gets.

Lakers Win The NBA Title, But Where Is Dr. Buss?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 18:44:24 -0400

He’s been a ‘missing in action’ owner of the Lakers.

Lakers players, coaches, and fans have been celebrating night and day, but its been a ‘NO SHOW’ to Dr. Buss and to most of the Buss family.

Why was this Joey Buss character accepting the O'Brian trophy on the court, after the Lakers clinched the title? When it should have been the owner of the Lakers, not some mail room intern!

I have my thoughts on this matter, on 'Where has Dr. Buss been?' and I’m sure you will think I’m crazy, but hear me out.

I have to tell this story. Then tell me what you think?

On my way back to Arizona from California, driving across the desert, I picked up a hitchhiker, a very old man, who was bearded, had long scraggly hair, and was not too clean.

Why did I pick him up, seeing as I NEVER pick up hitchhikers?

Because he was wearing a Lakers cap.

And being in one good Lakers mood, after winning the NBA Championship, decided to take a chance on one of my fellow Lakers brethren.

I have to admit, this guy really knew his Lakers basketball, as we talked endlessly, driving across that long stretch between Barstow and Needles on Interstate 40. I was thoroughly impressed. I found it very intriguing, about his insightful knowledge of my favorite team, especially coming from this homeless person.

But anyway, I felt sorry for him and bought him supper at McDonalds in Kingman, Arizona. Then reached into my pocket, gave him a twenty and wished him the best.

The old man, looking to be on his last leg, said he would take the twenty and head back to Vegas and win back his lost fortune. He obviously was a bit delusional.

The old guy did swear to me, he wouldn’t take charity and promised to pay me back. In fact, he took out a pen and wrote on a McDonalds napkin what I thought at the time, was an I.O.U.

He handed it to me and said to keep it in a safe place, because one day, it would be very valuable.

My reply was, that’s not necessary, but he insisted and not wanting to cause any further shame to him, accepted the note and teased, “I will be coming for my money someday”

We shook hands and then he walked away into the darkness of the desert night.

Only later, when home, I read the note.

It was not an I.O.U.

It was scribbled weakly, but I could make out the writing. I thought to myself, this guy had one great sense of humor, as I chuckled.

The napkin note started this way.

“I, being of sound mind, upon my death, leave my entire share of the Lakers Organization to this very kind gentleman and loyal Lakers Fan, who shared with me an enjoyable ride in his car, a meal, and loaned some money to a poker player down hard on his luck.”

Signed,

Dr. Jerry Buss
Owner of the Lakers

Obviously I felt at the time, this guy must be joking. But when I saw on TV that Dr. Buss has been missing, I began to feel, that maybe, just maybe, this was the real ‘missing Dr. Buss’ after all.

Consider this:

What owner of a team would miss the Lakers Championship, the Parade, and Celebration? Why haven’t we seen him in public, nor heard any word from the Lakers proud franchise owner? Only strange notes coming from the Lakers publicist, that he was too busy and was gambling in Vegas.

Are you kidding me?! Missing ALL THIS, for THAT?! Sounds like weak spin to me.

The truth probably is, ‘He was last seen in the vicinity of Vegas’ and they don’t know where he is. It would also explain why key family members have been missing as well, looking for dad, while stalling with the media.

Some have even speculated he must be very sick. Or perhaps becoming like a hermit, the way Howard Hughes was living a top, some hotel Penthouse suite, in seclusion, in Las Vegas.

But THIS Lakers fan thinks he knows where Dr. Buss has been. The coincidences are too, ….well……too coincidental. As incredible as it seems, more than likely, its my belief, that was him, riding in my car, talking Lakers, and sharing a Big Mac, fries and a Coke.

And that 'Last Will and Testament' is the real thing.

There is also a lesson to be learned when helping someone. More than the reward of giving to a person in need. You never know who you may be aiding. Befriending that strange, odd looking old man, may be more beneficial than even winning the Lottery.

You might be richly rewarded with ownership of the best team and franchise in pro sports, the Los Angeles Lakers.

You don’t believe my story? That’s fine, I wouldn’t believe it either if you shared this with me. But some day in the future, when you see me in the Staples Center Owners Suite, you will know how I got there.

Bleacher Report's Zander Freund Mad As Hell, Promises to Protest Kobe MVP Award

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Wed, 07 May 2008 12:36:06 -0400

A Bleacher Report Exclusive—Brought to you by John "Fatty" Fatland

Calling it an unjustice, unparalleled, unequaled, and unexplainable, Zander Freund of Bleacher Report is furious that Chris Paul was almost completely ignored by the MVP voters, otherwise known as the "Super Delegates" of the NBA media.

"What planet are these people on? I bet you they don't even know what the NBA stands for," Zander told me. "I mean: look at Paul...he does a lot of good things like pass and score. The guy can steal too. His team won a bunch of games."

Freund made his intentions very clear when he said: "I will not rest until the wrong is made right." He is confident he can persuade David Stern to overrule the vote and force Kobe to return the trophy to its rightful owner.

His energetic protest is to include the following five action items:

First: A front page article denouncing the MVP vote as a sham

Second: An open letter to David Stern with a link to Bleacher Report

Fourth: An organized protest outside the Oracle center next year before a Donnie Osmond concert.

Sixth: If necessary, a possible hunger strike. "I will refuse to eat bedtime snacks until justice is served!"

He said he had put a call into David Stern and was awaiting Stern's return, so he could only give me a little time.

While he was huddled anxiously by the phone, I called David Stern on my cell. Though he was in the middle of a strategy session on how to fix games for fun and profit, he said he was happy to take my call.

David said he hadn't heard of the controversy and promised me he would look into it.

While still waiting, I called Kobe and asked for his take.

"Zander? Who the F*** is Zander?! Is this a joke?"

I told him no—Zander was dead serious, and he needed the hits on his site.

Kobe then said: "Well tell this Zander dude that he can have my MVP trophy—when he can pry it off my cold dead fingers."

Before leaving, I asked Zander: "Is it worth it? All this effort...all the anxiety, stress, and anguish you're putting yourself and your family through?"

He smiled and eagerly replied: "Yeah its worth it...every penny of the .67 we'll make for my take today."

UPDATE: Zander is willing to save the NBA the embarrassment of a prolonged protest. He's offering a compromise. Winner of the anticipated WCF between Paul's Hornets and Kobe's Lakers will take home the MVP Trophy.

The NBA has not responded to this offer as of yet. Zander is still anxiously waiting by his phone for Stern to return his call.

Lakers-Jazz Preview: There's Tough, and Then There's "Lakers Tough"

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Sun, 04 May 2008 04:24:15 -0400

Utah is a physically tough team. The Jazz players have completely bought into Coach Sloan's system. They will give it their all. They will play hard nose D. They will hold, grab, flop, and cheat. They will do whatever it takes to win.

They believe, the end justifies the means.

But, I noticed in the Houston series, they lacked at times the most important kind of toughness. The type that closes out and wins the close games. In the fourth quarter, they struggled to move the ball, take and make the shot, and looked confused. Simply, they lacked the mental toughness to overcome the adverse situation.

The Lakers on the otherhand have been accused of being soft. You bang with them, and they back down. They lose their heads if it doesn't go the way they drew it up on the board.

The example people point to is the Celtics game in December. The Celtics pushed, shoved, grabbed, got away with it, and the Lakers melted.

I feel that was the game that changed the Lakers season. They were playing good, but they lacked the mental toughness to compete with the big boys of the NBA. And the Lakers knew it. So, they built off that game and looked for opportunities to improve, and they did.

How much so? Look at two primary examples...

Game Three vs. Denver

The Nuggets were down two, and so looked to film on how to beat the Lakers. They looked at old Red Auerbach Celtics tape. If you can't beat him fair, then cheat and maim. Take 'em down, hurt them, throw elbows, try to end players careers, get them mad, and you will win. Because a mad team that is out of control loses focus, loses the game, and maybe the series.

Denver tried hard to hurt the Lakers, and I'm sure they made Red proud, but this time it failed. The Lakers did the hardest and most difficult thing they could do. They did nothing. That takes a certain kind of toughness, mental toughness, to not reply in kind.

The results? It backfired on Denver. They were the ones who lost composure, they became well, madder, not the Lakers. They lost their focus, the game, and the series.

Game Four vs. Denver

Now we got a game. Denver has given up on the 'hurt them, and they will break' strategy.

It's now late in the fourth, both teams are trading baskets. The crowd has gone wild, the atmosphere is frenzied.

It came down to which team crumbles from the pressure? The odds are, the visiting team cracks first and loses.

Now there is Denver tough, and there's Lakers tough. The Lakers amid all the screaming and yelling, quietly executed their offense with precision. Denver tried to match, but it was they that wilted under the pressure.

This is why my prediction for this series is so one sided for the Lakers.

Utah is a very good team, but they lack the right kind of toughness to win a close series. And you know what they say, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going".

And that's why I say, "There is tough, and there is Lakers tough."

Lakers in five.

Los Angeles Lakers Fans: For Your Eyes Only

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 09:23:21 -0500

WARNING: This is for Lakers Fans only. Not responsible for anger induced blown head gaskets. Read at your own risk.

Did you have as much fun as me enjoying the Suns lose? What a country! What a win!

This is my after the game, first of its kind, genuine, non-apologetic, Lakers thoughts. As I told my wife, "Just call me Homer."

My play of the game: Shaq hustling, (more like huffing and puffing) down the court only to see Pau Gasol dunk on a break, to give the Lakers a commanding late game lead.

____________________________________________________________________

This just in from NBA.com

NBA to suspend Shaq for blow to Bell’s head.

In an highly unusual move, Stu Jackson suspended for one game newly acquired Shaquille O’Neal from the Suns for hitting his own player.

“The play was unusually clumsy and a completely unnatural basketball act.” Stu Said. “That was NO basketball move. That oger, Shraq, knocked out Raja, and it cost the Suns the game.”

Stu added, “Someone lost a lot of money on that Suns loss. And that someone is really pissed off.”

____________________________________________________________________

From Payback is a Biatch Dept.

Karma caught up to Rajas' clothesline of Kobe.

His Bell was rung by the Big Karma.

____________________________________________________________________

Shaq played hard last night. But can the Suns keep him motivated? This secret document just came into my possesion.

How to keep Shaq playing hard when all else fails? by Steve Kerr

Problem: Shaq doesn’t jump anymore.

Worry: In the NBA, you have to jump to dunk unless you are 8 foot 6 inches.

Solution: Suns will encourage Shaq to leap and dunk by placing donuts on the top of rims.

Problem: Shaq not hustling down the court to play defense.

Worry: Other centers will run and score at will against Suns.

Solution: D’Antoni will yell, “Lookout Shaq, he’s got a gun, run”

Problem: Shaq’s lack of energy.
Worry: Lack of trying will lead to easy baskets and fouls
Solution: Trainers will inject Shaq with 100cc of Red Bull before each quarter.

Problem: Shaq has tendency to eat too much and get fat
Worry: By starving him with a diet, Ball Boys have been afraid Shaq might eat them as snacks before game.
Solution: Basketballs will be chocolate dipped for his enjoyment. Very filling but no real subtance.

Problem: Shaq’s ego in the way of team unity.
Worry: Shaq may become overly depressed being second fiddle to Nash, Amare, D’Antoni, and Brian Skinner in his new job as a role player, and demand a trade or a huge raise.
Solution: All players will wear new mirrored jersey’s so when Shaq looks at them, he will only see himself.

__________________________________________________________________

And finally, Kevin Dings article from the OC Register mentions some Lakers Fans were removed and ejected for celebrating to demonstratively late in the game.

Those guys are my heroes.

Apparently, it was even a tough loss for the Security team to take. haha

Lakers v. Suns Game Preview: Two Big Teams + Two Big Trades = One Big Game

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:22:17 -0500

“Its only the regular season. Its just one of many games. No big deal.”

Who said that?

A. Mike D’Antoni
B. Phil Jackson
C. All the Suns players
D. All the Lakers players
E. All of the above

Correct answer: E. All of the above

Who’s lying through their polished teeth?

A. Mike D’Antoni
B. Phil Jackson
C. All the Suns players
D. All the Lakers players
E. All of the above

Correct answer: E. All of the above.

Who feels this is the biggest game of the year so far?

A. The Phoenix Fan Forums
B. The Lakers Fan Forums
C. Jordan - “at least since the Celtics, Lakers Championships series” - Jordan
D. All of the above

Correct answer: D. All of the above

The new and improved Lakers v. The new and improved Suns

This is going to be good. Both teams making monumental trades, and in theory, hoping to propel them to NBA glory. The US Airways Center becomes the proving ground of which team made the best trade.

This is how important the game is to the fans of both teams. Already concerned and dealing with the potential of an emotional loss. Some are already rationalizing a defeat.

Phoenix Fan Forums: “If we lose, it’s because Shaq is still learning. Give him time and we will dominate.

Lakers Fan Forums: “If we lose, it’s because we are missing Andrew Bynum. When he comes back, we will dominate.

Keys to the game:

If you are the Phoenix Suns......

Can the fans do their job and inspire the Suns to excel? The last time these two teams played at the US Airways Center, the fans failed their team. The Lakers won easily. Suns Fans played a major role in the loss. As one loyal Suns fan lamented, “we let our team down. We took the Lakers for granted and they thumped us. Won’t happen again. I promise you.”

Phoenix needs to see the new motivated Shaq, the high energy ‘Red Bull’. Actually, he needs to become the ‘Raging Bull’. Without Andrew Bynum, the Suns have one large Saguaro of an advantage in the low post.

If you are the Los Angeles Lakers.....

Let Shaq dunk a few times. Don’t worry if he breaks the back board. He will eventually tire and have to sit. Even Kevin Garnett only played 20 minutes last night in his return.

Don’t stop Nash. Let him score early and often. He will eventually tire and have to sit.

If Coach D’Antoni has his way:

Although Shaq will play limited minutes, D’Antoni would love to have Pau Gasol get into foul trouble early against Shaq. Amare will slide back into the center position, with DJ Mbenga guarding him. Amare then goes for forty.

If Coach Jackson has his way:

The Lakers will run the triangle into the ground. Shaq will tire. Amare will get into foul trouble and the Suns will become discombobulated.

What I think will really happen:

The Suns will come out screaming. (The fans won’t blow it this time) The Lakers will chip away at the lead and make a game of it. In the last quarter, Shaq will sit and both coaches will play the usual combatants, just like the old days. Unfortunately, the game decider will probably be the refs and how close they call it. (I hate those guys)

Worth Watching Factor: 9 - A must see, worth staying up late for.

Gutless prediction of final outcome:

Not sure which team will win. Lakers are on a back to back. Suns are rested and well prepared. I’d give the edge to the Suns.

But for sure, the NBA comes out of this the biggest winner.

Will the Phoenix Suns Miss the Playoffs?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:30:10 -0500

First, let me preface this article by saying that the Phoenix Suns are a very good NBA team.

They have one of the most gifted point guards in the league who is a fantastic shooter and passer.

A dominant and athletic power forward in Amare Stoudemire. Quick as a cat, Leandro Barbosa. Solid defense in Raja Bell, coupled with Grant Hill's experience.

When you add all these parts up it makes for a very formidable opponent.

But in the wildly competitive Western Conference, very good will get you neither the top spot, nor even a good position in the playoffs.

In fact, very good for the Suns might not even qualify them for the playoffs.

Do the Math

When you look at the standings, you’ll notice the Phoenix Suns are in 2nd place and only one game out of first.

Very good.

But the Suns also sit only four games out of being the ninth seed, a non-playoff location.

Not good.

Even an avid Suns fan can't like the position they are in. But when you do the math, it becomes more precarious.

If 2 + 2 = 4, then the Suns are in a lot of trouble.

The Breakdown

1. Suns have 29 games left and 21 are against playoff contenders, easily the toughest schedule of any team in the West.

2. 16 of those are against Western contenders. And what has been the Suns record against those teams? Six wins against 11 losses.

3. They have only six games left against the weak East, but four of those are against Boston and Detroit.

Playing the percentages, the Suns go 14-15 and end the regular season at 51-31. Very good, but not good enough.

The eighth and last seed is currently at 32-20, playing .615 ball. Which translates to, you guessed it, 51-31.

Not good for the Suns, because they hold few tiebreakers.

Why I’m Not Optimistic

No Shawn Marion.

Shawn is one of the most versatile defenders and scorers in the league. Losing Shawn has left a big gaping hole in the Suns offensive and defensive schemes. Just ask Steve Nash.

As good as Nash is on the offensive side of the ball, he’s just as much of a liability on the defensive end.

Quality point guards have been having their way with Steve all year.

Marion’s help defense has been key in the past helping to slow down the likes of Tony Parker, Deron Williams, Chris Paul, and Baron Davis. Now, Nash is on an island and exposed.

Since Marion has left, quality guards have averaged 37 ppg against Phoenix, resulting in the Suns losing two of their three games post-Marion.

It only gets harder the rest of the way.

“All hail Shaq!” - From the movie Men in Black, the bus locker civilization.

Shaq was brought in to help Amare rebound, solidify the interior defense, and jettison the ball quickly for the fast break. It is hoped he can still demand a double team on the low post to open up the Suns fine shooters.

If healthy, Shaq will help the Suns in these areas.

But, health is a major concern.

Shaq has yet to play for the Suns and has already missed four games. Even when healthy, questions abound and they need to be answered regarding whether Shaq has the mobility and quickness necessary to guard the better players in the West.

- How will Shaq defend high pick and rolls? He has very limited mobility. He reaches now, rather than moving his feet like he used to. Thus, he picks up fouls as a result.

- In close games, will Shaq see limited time on the court because of poor free throwing shooting like in Miami? Close games in the West are inevitable.

- Will Shaq be left behind by certain opponents transition games like Dallas, Los Angeles, or Golden State?

- All teams need a transition time to adjust to their new player. In this case, Marion is a key player leaving and Shaq is being inserted. How much time will it take for the Suns to gel?

And this is all assuming Shaq can stay healthy and play on a regular basis.

Of course, all of this happening while playing in the very tough Western Conference.

That is why I have reached the conclusion that the Suns might not make the playoffs. Nothing is absolute either way, they may just squeak in and receive a low seed.

Yet, even if you disagree with my analysis, you have to admit, it will not be easy for the Phoenix Suns in their quest to make the playoffs.

There is no room to breathe in the West and some very good teams will be left out of the NBA’s second season.

That’s the problem, you need to be a little better than very good.

Author’s comment: Even my favorite team, the Lakers, is hanging by a pinkie—only a Kobe surgery away from being on the outside looking in. The West is that tough.

Jason Kidd to Dallas: Part Deux

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 05:36:59 -0500

It's Groundhog Day for Mark Cuban and the Dallas Mavericks.

Just as Bill Murray had to play the day over and over again until he got it right in the movie, Cuban and the Mavs needed to keep working the trade over until it was acceptable to the NBA powers. So here we go again.

Pending league approval, the deal works something like this:

Dallas gets Jason Kidd, Malik Allen, and Antoine Wright.

New Jersey gets Devin Harris, Trenton Hassell, Desagana Diop, Maurice Ager, and Keith Van Horn. The Nets would also receive two first round picks in 2008 and 2010, and Mark Cuban would write a check to the Nets for $3,000,000.

The original trade included Devean George and Jerry Stackhouse. But when George said, “Hell no, I won’t go!” the Dallas fans let out a collective “Whaaat!” like Moe Sizlack of The Simpsons fame. The trade was stopped dead in its tracks.

Further complicating matters, it was learned that Jerry "Big Mouth" Stackhouse said there was a backdoor deal of sorts; New Jersey would release him, then after 30 days, he would triumphantly return to the Mavs.

Although back door, under the table deals, are actually a long standing trade tradition in the NBA, Stackhouse forgot about the don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t open your big fat mouth policy and completely ruined the deal.

The Mavericks were discombobulated and in limbo. As Dirk Nowitzki mentioned at the All-Star Game, “its been a strange week.”

Dallas’s season and playoff hopes looked very bright with Jason Kidd at the helm and piloting the Mavs’ ship. After the deal looked doubtful, it looked as if Dallas had lost its captain and rudder, taking on water and sinking badly in the wildly competitive Western Conference.

Mark Cubans’ Mavericks were now ‘Lost’ on the island in the Bermuda Triangle of its own making—trapped in never-ending episodes of what could’ve been.

If Cuban created this mess, then Mark could surely fix it. Right?

Old Mark would’ve run on to the court at the All-Star Game during introductions, grabbed the microphone, and protested the Mavs were being cheated by the evil and conspiring Commish, David Stern.

He'd then go on to pay the largest fine in NBA history. In fact, it’s rumored Stern has several blank checks, already signed by Cuban, for the very purpose of paying fines.

The new Mark has learned that no crisis is so big and so large, that it can’t be solved by a simple signature on a check. And that’s exactly what Mark Cuban did.

No George, no Stackhouse, no Problem!

First he replaced George and Stackhouse with Trenton Hassell. Then in an unusual move, Cuban signed Keith Van Horn who had been out of basketball for two years, and paid him $4,000,000 to go play for the Nets. Wow, I wonder how long it took Keith to say yes to that?

Amazingly, the math works, if you're a billionaire.

Dallas' current team salary of $93 million will go to $97 million and beyond. That is close to $30 million dollars in luxury tax fines, putting the adjusted team, total salary near $130 million. But as Cuban says, "it's only money, who cares?"

But is it worth it? Will Mark Cuban get his money’s worth?

Let’s first look at the objective analysis.

New Jersey gets some expiring contracts and a budding star in Devin Harris.

Dallas gets a $20 million a year, wilting, aging star, Jason Kidd.

The Cleveland Cavaliers get nothing. King James can't be happy.

Next, let’s examine how the fan’s analyze the deal.

Dallas fans who have been jealous of the Lakers and Suns trades, now have their own swap to revel in. I have not looked at the Dallas forums yet, but I can predict some are saying "Oh no!" While the rest are busy singing, "happy days are here again."

Kidd can still play as he nicely showed at the FIBA Americas Tournament in Las Vegas last summer. He just can't shoot anymore. But does he really have to shoot when the Mavericks have Dirk, Josh Howard, Jerry Stackhouse, and Jason Terry? Getting them the ball at the right place, and the right time is Kidd's specialty. Kidd is still exceptional at moving the ball up the court in transition. Jason Kidd will help these Mavericks.

And finally, the real reason why the trade went down.

I know some are wondering if this is a deal in response to the Lakers and Suns recent big trades? Just a move to keep up with the Joneses? My take is no. Cuban would've done it anyway.

To get by the Spurs, Suns, Lakers, Jazz, Rockets, Nuggets and Hornets, Dallas needed more experience. Kidd brings that old school-type of play the Mavs need to advance.

But the real reason for the trade, is the fear of facing what Mavs’ fans call the "Nemesis". The Spoilers, sarcastically voiced, ‘That Team by the Bay’, coached by the clown, Don Nelson: the Golden State Warriors.

It was the horror picture show of a first round playoff series that scared all Dallas fans last year. It kept them under the covers, peeking out only on occasion, to be horrified by the score.

Avery Johnson can't even speak about the playoff loss. He only shakes and mumbles as he points to the west and says "Them."

Now the Mavericks have hope. An older weapon for sure, but cagey. Not as quick, but smart, very smart. A weapon that can possibly smote down those Nellies, as they run wild and flood the Oracle Arena with those silly up and down the court, non-basketball antics.

Will it work? Can Jason Kidd keep up with B.D., Monta, and Captain Action Jackson? Can he fully restore Dirk's mojo, seemingly lost in the playoffs, and only now starting to return? And can Jason and the New Argonauts lead the Mavs past the San Francisco-San Jose-Oakland Warriors?

Stay tuned, it may yet be safe again, for those Mavs fans to come out from under the covers.

Don't fret, the deal had to be made. Punxsutawney Mark had come out of his hole and this time was afraid of his own shadow. Dallas as they sat, wasn’t going anywhere in the Wild West of the NBA playoffs.

It will cost Mark Cuban money—a lot of money. But as Mark says, "It's only money. Who cares?"

Author’s comment: Following the mulligan rule of writing, this is my second take on the alleged Jason Kidd trade to Dallas.

Jason Kidd to Dallas? The West Just Got Wilder

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 09:36:53 -0500

Pau Gasol to the Lakers, The Big Daddy to the Suns—already old news in the NBA nowadays.

The new news is Jason Kidd to the Dallas Mavericks for the entire Dallas team, at least it seems that way.

If the trade goes down, here are the details:

Dallas gets Jason Kidd and Malik Allen.

New Jersey gets Devin Harris, Jerry Stackhouse, Desagana Diop, Maurice Ager, and Devean George. Plus two number one picks in '08 and '10, and Mark Cuban writes a check to the Nets for $3,000,000.

Amazingly, the math works, if you're a billionaire.

It works on the trade machine, but Dallas takes a $4,000,000 salary increase. Like Mark Cuban cares.

Dallas' current team salary of $93 million will go to $97 million. That is close to a $30 million luxury tax fine. But as Cuban says, "it's only money, who cares?"

The Objective Analysis

New Jersey gets some expiring contracts and a budding star in Devin Harris.

Dallas gets a $20 million wilting, aging star, Jason Kidd.

The Cleveland Cavaliers get nothing. King James can't be happy.

The Fan Analysis

Dallas fans who have been jealous of the Lakers and Phoenix trades, now have their own swap to revel in. I have not looked at the Dallas forums yet, but I can predict some are saying "Oh no!" While the rest are busy singing, "happy days are here again."

Kidd can still play as he nicely showed at the FIBA Americas Tournament in Las Vegas last summer. He just can't shoot anymore. But does he really have to shoot with Dirk, Josh Howard, and Jason Terry? Getting them the ball at the right place, and the right time is Kidd's specialty. Kidd is still exceptional at moving the ball up the court in transition. Jason Kidd will help these Mavericks.

Keeping Up with the Joneses?

I know some are wondering if this a move in response to the Lakers and Suns recent big trades. My take is no. Cuban would've done it anyway.

To get by the Spurs, Suns, Lakers, Jazz, Rockets, Nuggets, and Hornets, Cuban needed more experience. Kidd brings that old school-type of play the Mav's need to advance.

But the real reason for the trade, is the fear of facing what Mav's fans call the "Nemesis." The Spoilers, That Team by the Bay, coached by the clown, Don Nelson: the Golden State Warriors.

It was the horror picture show of a first round playoff series that scared all Dallas fans last year. It kept them under the covers, peeking out on occasion, only to be horrified by the score.

Avery Johnson can't even speak about the playoff loss from last year. He only shakes and mumbles as he points to the west and says "Them."

Now the Mavericks have hope. An older weapon for sure, but cagey. Not as quick, but smart, very smart. A weapon that can possibly smote down those Nellies, as they run wild and flood the Oracle Arena with those silly up and down the court, non-basketball antics.

Will it work? Can Jason Kidd keep up with B.D. Monta, and Captain Action Jackson? Can he restore Dirk's mojo, seemingly lost in the playoffs, and only now starting to return? And can Jason and the New Argonauts lead the Mavs by the San Francisco-San Jose-Oakland Warriors? Stay tuned, it may yet be safe again for those Mavs fans to come out from under the covers.

It will cost Mark Cuban money-a lot of money-for the chance to win.

But as Mark says, "it's only money. Who cares?"

Lakers-Heat: Perfect Pau Gasol Lifts LA past Miami

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 03:50:21 -0500

The overmatched Miami Heat almost came back to beat the Los Angeles Lakers on a nationally televised game on Sunday.

Twice on this road trip, the Lakers failed to win in the end, and continued to follow a trend that seemed to be set in stone—late game non-heroics leading to Lakers losses.

Coaches called it poor end of the game execution, fans called it a lack of nerves.

After Kobe Bryant, no one was willing to take the "Big Shot." You know, the shot a person dreams of taking and making as a kid.

Apparently, the Lakers players not named Kobe never had that dream.

But at Miami, a new Lakers hero emerges.

With the pressure on late in the game, Miami was on a desperate tear to regain the lead and win.

Luke Walton found himself on the right baseline with a partial lane to the basket open. Luke's first thought, "I'm sure it would be best to find Kobe, but Kobe was covered."

Luke then put his head down like a bull and drove to the basket.

I and every Lakers fan screamed, "Nooooo!!"

Imagining a Luke charge or worse, another clown-like off-balanced missed shot. We knew we had lost another game. Luke stopped to avoid a charge, saw a thin opening, and passed across the key to Pau Gasol.

Pau with his back to the basket now, calmly set his feet, tried not to force his way into the lane against a smaller defender, and took a short hook shot.

The question was asked and debated on Lakers Nation blogs after the Detroit Pistons loss: Who besides Kobe can take the big pressure shot with the game on the line?

Kobe was doubled without the ball. A Lamar Odom option failed and the Lakers fans shook their collective heads.

The Lakers, if they want to progress in the playoffs need another option, a go to guy. Or the Detroit loss will be repeated many times. Most playoff games are close, especially with the competitive Wild West.

Pau, "the Spaniard," just answered that question. The ball swished right through the middle of the basket and Miami's run was effectively ended.

For a moment, I thought I saw Kareem doing what he's done a thousand times in the past. A confident man oblivious to the situation, stroking with precision, a well-crafted signature hook shot.

That was a long time ago, on a Championship team that brings very fond memories from this writer and observer.

With that shot and make, Pau Gasol, in a small way, just lifted the spirits and hopes of an eager Lakers Nation. We no longer have a Mr. Clutch, Kareem's confident Sky Hook, or a even a Big Shot Bob.

We now have, Kobe's Killer Instinct, and Perfect Pau, "the Spaniard"—okay, we need a better name, but you get the idea.

The Lakers are back and ready to compete with the best.

"Grand Daddy" Shaq to Phoenix: Did Pat Riley Con the Suns?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 11:10:51 -0500

Let me just state for the record:

Pat Riley is a genius.

Pat Riley is a salesman.

And Pat Riley is also The Flim-Flam man.

If you combine all three into one, you have the making of one of the finest GM’s the NBA has ever seen...

Riley the Genius

He just traded Shaq O’Neal, "The Big Waste of a 20 Million Dollar Contract" to the Phoenix Suns for All-Star Shawn Marion, aka "The Matrix", as well as Marcus Banks

Miami Fans were in agreement: We traded our soul to the Devil for a Title four years ago

But since the NBA Championship, Shaq was in decline. Shaq had lost more then a step since he first came to the Heat. He had lost everything: his quickness, his shooting touch, his rebounding, his blocking ability, I mean everything. The only thing he had gained was weight and a boatload of injuries.

With three years left on his contract, at $20 million per, Miami and Riley were doomed.

Nobody would take Shaq. You couldn’t give him away. You couldn’t pay any team to take him off Miami's hands.

Or so we thought...

Riley: The Salesman and Flim-Flam Man

As the Flim-Flam Man (a gifted con artist), Riley could sell ice to the Eskimos, or in this case, an aging, hurt center, barely able to put on a uniform, $20 million a year player, to an unsuspecting NBA team.

Now most NBA GM’s confronted with such a daunting problem play the Old Soldier routine. Old GM’s never die; they just fade away, disappear, and leave all the problems they created for the next poor sucker. I’m sure Riley thought of that, but the old Willie Lohman of the NBA, felt he might have one more sale or trade up his sleeve.

Scanning the Elite Teams of the NBA, looking for his mark, or victim, Riley saw an opportunity. The Lakers just signed Pau Gasol, perhaps tipping the balance of power in the NBA’s Western Conference to the Lakers and away from the Phoenix Suns.

The Phoenix Suns were doubting themselves. Although they had the best record in the West, they were worried the Lakers might deny them the NBA Championship they covet so much.

Riley, the salesman calls Steve Kerr, GM of the Phoenix Suns. Steve being a new and inexperienced GM, would be easy prey for Rile’s slick way.

The conversation probably went something like this.

Riley: “Steve, I just heard that Memphis gave Pau to the Lakers. That’s not fair, there ought to be a law against that stuff. You guys were on the brink of winning your first title and some schmo just took it away from you. We’ll I’m here to remedy it. I can change all of that for you.”

Kerr: “How, Pat? Is Wade available?”

Riley: “Oh, this is way better than Wade. Can you spell Dynasty? We're talking titles here, at least three years for the Suns.

We, the Heat are willing to part, are you sitting down Steve? With the greatest player of all time, 14 times an All-Star, Regular Season MVP, and MVP three times in the finals, that’s Finals Steve.”

Kerr: “Shaq?!”

Riley: “That’s right. You’re probably thinking, why would Rile’s part with such a Super Star, and how could YOU, afford such a valuable piece like Shaq? Don't worry Steve, that’s the easy part. What’s important is, you reclaiming the lead in the West and bringing that Trophy home.”

Kerr: “But I heard Shaq was hurting.”

Riley: “Don’t believe all that stuff you read in the papers and NBA injury reports. Shaq was just playing possum so we can get a lottery pick. He’s in the best shape of his career.

Steve, you hate the Lakers don’t you? And you want to win the title? Then Shaq is the perfect fit for your system. He's just what you need, right?

Trust me Steve, just give us that malcontent, Marion, and we’ll take Banks lousy contract off your hands, then Rile’s will make it alright for Stevie.”

Kerr: “I don’t know Pat, It sounds really good, but I’ve got to talk to the owner.”

Riley: “Steve, this deal won’t last. Dallas is trying to get him right now as we speak. You delay, and you might miss an opportunity of a lifetime.

You're hurting my feelings. Its only because you’re my friend that I’m willing to give my buddy, Steve Kerr, such a smoking deal.

What do you say Steve, have we we got a deal?"

Kerr: “Yeah, let's do it! Send the papers over for me to sign”

Riley: “That's my boy Steve, you won’t regret it. Guaranteed Championship! And can we say, Exec of the year?!”

You must admit, this guy is slick. The Suns never had a chance.

You are a legend in your own time.

Pat Riley, I salute you.

Lakers News: Hoping for the Best from DJ Mbenga

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 14:23:39 -0500

This is the official news release from the Los Angeles Lakers:

The Los Angeles Lakers have signed free agent center Didier “DJ” Ilunga-Mbenga to a 10-day contract, it was announced today by General Manager Mitch Kupchak.

Mbenga, a 7-foot, 220 pound native of the Congo, signed with the Golden State Warriors November 17 after spending three seasons with the Dallas Mavericks prior to their request for waivers on him October 30.

In 16 games with the Warriors prior to his release January 6, Mbenga averaged 1.2 points, 1.9 rebounds, and 0.63 blocked shots in 8.1 minutes.

Blah, blah, blah, blah...

Now, this is the unofficial, read between the lines, what the Lakers really think about this 10 day signing, that they don't want you to know. An exclusive to Bleacher Report, as told to you by John Fatland, otherwise known as Fatty.

First, DJ Mbenga is from the Congo, but that's not important. What is important is how you pronounce his name. The M is silent, so you would call him Benga. Or you can say DJ, as his teammates like to call him.

Of course, you are wondering, why did Mitch take 7 days to sign the replacement for Andrew Bynum?

The main reason is the money, his $20,000 salary. Normally not much in NBA circles, but to DR. Buss, the owner of the Lakers, 20 g's is about two hands of poker. Dr. Buss has his needs and Mitch understands that.

Mbenga has very little NBA experience. I'm told he still doesn't know what NBA stands for. But, in his very short time of playing, he has received a one game suspension from Stu Jackson. Fatty likes. And why? For a hit to LeBron James. Oooh, Fatty really likey!

This cat is bad. His own team, Dallas, suspended him 6 days for getting into an altercation with a fan. Try booing him, Lakers Fans.

Why is Fatty so excited? Because this Lakers team is soft. Did you see the Boston/Lakers game? That Lamar Odom wimpy push of Ray Allen didn't scare anyone.

With DJ, you won't see none of this Deke Mutombo shake his finger sissy stuff. We're talking block your shot, knock you to the floor, step on your neck as he walks by Congo tough. Now this is what the good Dr. Buss has ordered.

Did I say he's into the Martial Arts? When most players, pregame greet each other with hugs and high fives, DJ quietly stands at attention, clasps his hands in front of his chest, and politely bows. Then proceeds to getting down in a Karate stance.

He idolizes Kareem, not for his basketball skills, but for Jabar's Kung Fu movie days. While others may reach for the ball, he Karate chops and screams Bruce Lee like "Hai yahs"!

All opposing players will now have to sign a damage waiver to play against DJ. "Play at your own risk. Not responsible for broken teeth, black eyes, or fat lips. Nor crushed egos. Thank you, and have a nice day."

But can he right the Lakers soft ship in just 10 days? Can you say Mahershalalhashbaz? If we are lucky, soon Sasha and Coby Karl will be playing bump, knock down, and run basketball. Lamar Odom will perfect his take down, and Vladimir will only have to stare at opposing players to make them afraid. Now that's Lakers basketball.

DJ Mbenga, you're about to have your 10 days of glory. Make the most of it. And maybe Dr. Buss will forego two more hands of poker and the fans will get to enjoy your play longer.

Kobe Urges Fans: If You Believe in Kwame, Clap Your Hands

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 03:48:11 -0500

"Every time a child says, ‘I don’t believe in fairies,' somewhere there is a fairy that falls down dead." – James Barrie, from the story Peter Pan.

Being a father of two adorable little children, I’m sure Kobe Bryant is well aware of the classic tale of the boy who never grew up. Perhaps this was in the back of his mind when Kobe chastised the fans for booing Kwame Brown in the third quarter of the Lakers' loss to the Suns on Thursday night.

"I thought it was terrible," Kobe Bryant said after the game. "If [fans] want to do that, they can stay home. He's going to be our guy for two months. Kwame's sensitive–you boo him, it's going to affect him. I told him I've got his back."

The fans had come to the point where they could no longer believe in Kwame, so they booed. For Kwame Brown and the Lakers, this was bad. Watching Kwame fumble his way through the third quarter, the fans were practically begging for coach Phil Jackson to hook Kwame from the game. "Captain Hook" didn’t oblige.

Kwame, who lacks in confidence already, could and would be devastated.

Kobe Bryant, aka Peter Pan, the leader of the "lost boys" since Andrew Bynum went down, reacted like the king of Neverland would, defending one of his boys with a firm "stay home!"

If you don’t know who Kwame is or have never seen him play, you can get a pretty good idea if you think of him this way: He’s the Inspector Clouseau of the NBA. He bumbles, stumbles, fumbles, and tumbles his way through the game. He is built like a Greek god, but plays like Disney’s Goofy. He is, "how you say, clumsy. No?" But like Inspector Clouseau, he somehow usually ends up on the winning side.

But back to our story, children. The clever, brave, and talented Kobe knows the Lakers need the "man-boy" Kwame to play well until Andy comes back. If Kobe could, he would sprinkle pixie dust all over Kwame’s body and make him fly through the air, swatting back basketballs and dunking with the best.

But we, and Kobe, all know that is just a fairy tale. With Kwame, we're in Neverland, he will never be the player we want him to be.

But the Lakers need Kwame. And so do we. (I can’t believe I just said that). But we really do. If Kwame doesn’t get his confidence back, then we are sentencing him, the Lakers, and us fans to a long walk off a short plank. Our marvelous season and hopes will be fed to the crocodiles.

I look at it this way. The Lakers' fans have two choices.

One, we can continue to boo Kwame. Boo when he is introduced. Boo whenever he touches the ball. Boo whenever he makes a mistake. Saying in effect, "I don’t believe in Kwame" as we watch him fall down dead. Then we can all boo-hoo as we watch our season fall down dead.

Or...

"Do you believe in fairies? If you believe, clap your hands."
-James M. Barrie, Peter Pan

If we follow our leader Peter, I mean Kobe, then say "I believe in Kwame" and clap. Please, I’m begging you, even if you don’t believe, clap.

Fans at the game, on the blogs, in front of their televisions, fans everywhere, all over the world, starting tonight, say "I believe in Kwame,"

Then clap hard, clap loud, clap long.

And cheer Kwame and the Lakers on.

Author's note: This article was written with help from my wife Laurie, for the Lakers children all over the world.

Does God Have A Favorite Team?

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 08:44:05 -0500

Making a simple comment on my blog the other day, I ended with what I thought was an innocent statement, "God willing, we win tomorrow."

Someone came back to me, "Don't you bring God into this. God is not a Lakers Fan."

Not wanting to bring religion into a sports blog—the unforgivable sin—I pondered my response.

Does God play favorites when it comes to sports teams?

When you think about it, it makes sense doesn't it? I mean, didn't God have a 'Chosen Nation'? Don't religions and nations claim, 'God is on their side'? Then, why shouldn't sports teams?

Don't say you have never contemplated the thought. For a fact, I know there are no atheists when your team is losing and the game is on the line. If your team is down by two, with one second to go, and your guy is shooting free throws, don't you find yourself praying, "Please God, oh please! Don't miss!"?

Anyway, before I could even type my reply, the following post came up for approval. It had no email address. It had no IP. It had no name attached. And yet, inexplicably, I checked, Approve.

I think I'm having a Fox News spiritual moment here: "You read, you decide."

________________________________________________________

Regarding your comment.

“God is *not* a Lakers fan.”

Although I have been a long time reader of every word of every sports Blog ever written, I have never commented before, so I’m a little nervous. Most of my comments I have saved for ‘the Blog of Blogs,’ the Good Book. Its part of my mysterious ways to not comment publicly on important matters. But thouest comment was so profound, that I felt compelled to respond to thy post and straighten the matter out.

When it comes to sports, it is true, I don’t usually take sides and have favorites. But with the Lakers, I made an exception. Hey, if I can choose sides in war, then why can’t I have a favorite NBA team?

You see, when you carry the burdens of the world on your shoulders, and the burdens are many, trust me, you need some sort of escape to handle all the stress that comes with the job. And for me it’s the NBA. You must admit, there’s some serious ballin’ going on!

The NBA, where ‘Amazing Happens’, verily I say, is truly Fan-tas-tic!

Although the signs have been subtle, with eyes of faith anyone can clearly see the Lakers have been my favorite team for some time.

‘Doubting Thomas's and Thomasinas, the signs have been in front of thou, all along.

Do you remember the amazing fourth quarter, seventh-game playoff comeback against the Trailblazers? Pretty special, wasn't it?

Robert Horry's shot to beat the Kings: 'The shot heard around the world, and in Heaven.'

Derek Fisher's .4 game winner against the Spurs. Need I say miracle?

Phil Jackson’s 'Second Coming' to coach again.

Kobe’s inspiring, Samson-like 81 points against Toronto.

Magic’s 'Baby Sky Hook' to beat the Celtics. No pagan leprechaun to help the C’s that day—haha.

Von Wafer's pick in the draft. J/k Lol—Even I have a sense of humor.

Do you think its some sort of coincidence the Lakers wear white on Sunday home games?

And don’t you dare point to the Kwame for Butler trade as an excuse not to believe. I was busy that day, and that Beelzebub of a GM, Mitch Kupchak, acted presumptiously without me.

"Oh ye of little faith!"

But like you, I too, share and feel your pain, when the Lakers don’t play as well as they should.

It saddens my heart to see them losing to lousy teams

When Kwame fumbles away a sure lay up—“Catch and Dunk the D*** ball Kwame!”

When Satan’s referees judge a call wrongly against my Lakers—I’ve got a special call for them on Judgement Day!

And regarding the Lakers pick-and-roll defense—don’t get me started. I can move mountains, part the Red Sea, and raise the dead, piece of cake, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, even I can’t help these guys roll off a screen.

As my right-hand man, Chick Hearns, always reminds me, “you need to show the patience of Job, Big Guy. It’s a journey, enjoy the ride.”

Remember, “I AM WHAT I AM” and “I AM” a Lakers Fan (Exodus 3:14)

(Sorry about all the “thees, thys, and thous”—old habits are hard to break.

Anonymous: Posted on the 7th day at the 11th hour

_____________________________________________________________

Authors comment: I know some of you will say it takes "Blind Faith" to accept the fact God is on your teams side. Faith to accept that God helped in the wins, but was blind to all the losses.

My friends that worship the Phoenix Suns might be losing faith in God. They feel that God has been testing them for 40 years in the Wilderness of the Arizona desert, never allowing them crossing over the Salt River Jordan, into the Promised Land of an NBA Championship.

After my profound experience, I feel I have seen the light, and God IS a Lakers Fan. And.......He justly punishes the wicked.

CIA: Kwame Brown Highlight Film to Replace “Waterboarding” Torture Technique

John 'Fatty'-Fatland — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:37:10 -0500

Testifying before Congress, CIA Director Michael Hayden confirmed that a new torture technique was being used, but defended the action saying, "desperate times require desperate measures."

The technique was described as one of the better forms of "coercion" the CIA has ever used. It involves surrounding the detainee with HDTVs, a Bose stereo sound system, and repeatedly playing Kwame Brown's highlight video of the Lakers/Suns third quarter. Interrogating agents refer to it as "Kwame Screening," and have said that it always leads to detainees screaming and confessing.

But is it really that effective?

Agents reveal that detainees are broken and confessing within 30-35 minutes. Only one detainee was able to last longer than 60 minutes—and he was blind. The moans and gasps of the interrogating agents scared him so much, that he confessed.

Experts are divided on the true effectiveness of "Kwame Screening."

"People will say anything just to get the interrogator to stop the tape," one agent revealed anonymously. "Can you really trust the information from such an emotionally tortured individual?"

It is taking its toll on CIA agents as well and many are having a hard time administering the technique.

One agent remarked, “Its just too much to bear. Watching Kwame drop the ball, turning the ball over, shooting awkwardly, missing layups, missing dunks..." The agent paused to wipe tears from his eyes. "It’s very hard for us to administer."

Even seasoned, hardened, and experienced interrogation agents have needed time off and counseling for recovery.

Democrats vow to fight the switch

"It's just despicable," said Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.). "But I dare say, if we had to choose between the two, I’d stay with 'waterboarding.' That third quarter from Kwame was just unbearable to watch."

The Senator then went on to lament, "What have we come to as a nation if we have to subject people to such a barrage of indecencies?"

Human rights groups and the UN chime in

Human Rights activists showed video clips from the 3rd quarter at a hastily held news conference. (These can be seen at www.KwameHighlights.com WARNING: MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES.) The activists were searingly mad:

“We have to stop this barbaric practice immediately.”

A terrorist web site posted the thoughts of one detainee who actually had gone through the "Kwame Screening" technique.

"I don’t even know what NBA Basketball is—yet I cringed with pain as I watched this man play this game so terribly."

The site mentioned the man was so emotionally distraught that he has given up terrorism, and just sits in a corner all day moaning, gasping, and shaking his head in disbelief.

Related notes: Laker fans are considering a Class Action lawsuit for emotional distress caused by the 3rd quarter play of Brown...Lakers GM, Mitch Kupchak denies making trade that brought Kwame to Lakers: "That was before I was GM, I think"

(Author's comment: Yes this was a bit over the top. But if you saw the Suns/Lakers game last night, you would understand my sentiment—"pure torture to watch"....)