Bleacher Report - Articles by Mike Sommers

Oakland Raiders: How It Should Be, and Just a Few Things I Want

Mike Sommers — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:01:51 -0500

I hope the sleeping giant that is the Oakland Raiders wakes up from its six-year nap and attacks the rest of the AFC West. I mean, I want them to destroy clubs. I want them to treat their opponents like Pop Warner teams.

When the Raiders score, I want them to onside kick it to get the ball right back. I want teams to fear the hit from the Raiders defense that they know is coming from all sides. I want the Raiders dog-piling and gang-tackling.

I want the Raiders defensive line to make opposing offensive lines look like sieves. I want the Raiders defense to swarm to the ball like bees to a hive. I want tackles in the other team's backfield. I want the opponent's quarterback to be yelling at his offensive line, begging for protection.

I want the Raiders to be unpredictable. I want six yards on first down. I want the Raider players high-fiving the defense as they come off the field from a three-and-out. I want the Raiders to run up the score. I want the Raiders defense to hit so hard it causes turnovers.

I want the running backs to high five each other as they contribute to the well-being of the team. I want the Oakland receivers to do whatever it takes to catch the ball. I want blocking all over the field.

I want excitement every time the backs or returners touch the ball. I want a feared special teams. I want the Raiders' punter to have splinters from sitting on the bench so much.

I want the rest of the NFL to once again fear Raiders football, and I want it now!

And I believe Tom Cable is the guy to bring true Raiders football back to Oakland.

So count me in!

...The San Clemente Kid

Tim Tebow: The Real American Idol

Mike Sommers — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:35:41 -0500

Calling all sports heroes, calling all sports heroes.

In this day and age, so much media attention is focused on professional and collegiate athletes. Everywhere you look, these athletes are in the news, making headlines.

Their names are commonplace in conversations in America and beyond. The athletes are on merchandise, promoting products, and just plain flooding "Americana" as we know it.

These pro and collegiate athletes are in the forefront of what America's children are idolizing. The kids mimic their ways and try to mold themselves after these modern-day heroes.

But what kind of people are these?

Who are these people the children are looking up to, and more importantly, what kind of role models are they?

When I think of pro and collegiate athletes in the news and who this generation of kids is idolizing, I wonder, is it the champagne-slinging, club-brawling type?

Is it the repeat offender, domestic violence type?

Is it the steroid and substance abuse type?

Could it be the accused gun-shooting type?

Maybe it is the one given a second chance that continues to break rules and laws.

What about the money-hungry, media-whiners of today?

That is one nasty list of attributes so many athletes in the news have. Is this what we want our children to grow up to be?

I ask you this: With athletes like that in the news, who are the kids of America supposed to idolize, grow up to be like, model their actions after, and just aspire to be?

Fortunately, there is a modern day hero and role model for our kids to look up to and aspire to be.

I am speaking of Tim Tebow, quarterback of the University of Florida Gators.

I could tell you about his numerous awards, numerous national championships, and the sports records he has set, but this isn't about that.

I am talking about the Tim Tebow that is an asset to the world around him. I am talking about the role model that he is.

As the parent of a 13-year-old boy that plays sports, like most parents, I want to show my child what is right and wrong, how to act, and what to do, and what not to do in life.

There sure hasn't been a shortage of athletes in the news doing things that I tell my boy not to do. As a matter of fact, the world, and thus the news, is just flooded with it.

But finding an athlete in the news and on TV that you could point to and say, "That is how to be in life?" Now that, my friends, is a tough one.

Then along comes Tim Tebow, super athlete, fantastic leader, orphanage assistant, and missionary. Not only is Tim Tebow a man of faith, he shows respect in his interviews, treats people kindly, and cares for mankind.

This is truly not the normal mold for top athletes of the day.

I don't hear Tim talk about bling, money, or possessions. As a matter of fact, I have just read that he is returning back to school for his senior year as opposed to going into the NFL.

Now that is what I call a hero—someone that I would want my kid to model himself after and aspire to be.

Thank you, Mr. Tebow.

--The San Clemente Kid

"Eight Steps to Great" for the 2009 Oakland Raiders, In Chronological Order

Mike Sommers — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 12:08:14 -0500

Ahhhh..........leaned back in my chair, watching sport channel news flashes on the tube. There seems to be so much media babble and so little concrete information regarding the Raiders.

Lucky for you, and for your reading enjoyment, I have provided below a list of the "Eight Steps to Great" for the 2009 Oakland Raiders in Chronological Order.

So let's make this short, sweet and to the point. This is what is needed, in chronological order, for the Oakland Raiders:

• First—The Raiders (of course, when I say "the Raiders", I mean "Al Davis") need to decide on who their GM will be. (IF Mr. Davis decides he will have one!)

If the Raiders do hire a GM at all, it should be the first order of business, even before the hiring of the head coach. The GM position will be vital for this team as he could help Mr. Davis to carry out his will and direction for the team. There are also many coaching positions that will need to be filled this offseason and Mr. Davis (born on the Fourth of July) at age 79, should seek some assistance.

• Second—The Raiders need to decide on who will be the head coach for 2009.

Choosing who will lead this team for the 2009 season is what I consider to be the top priority of the team. This is before any hiring or firing of personnel and/or player changes. Also, by choosing the head coach first before any of the positions listed below, he could be involved in the recommendation and choosing of other coaches with Mr. Davis. Which leads me to the third and fourth steps.

• Third/Fourth—The Raiders should hire new offensive and defensive coordinators.

It doesn't matter which comes first but AFTER the head coach is named, Mr. Davis and the head coach for 2009 should choose the new offensive and defensive coordinators together. This will give Mr. Davis and the head coach the ability to choose who is best to work with and who is the best fit for the players and styles of play that is "RAIDERS FOOTBALL".

• Fifth—The Raiders should then be in a position to hire other coaches and assistants.

I am talking about the coaching and staff below the offensive and defensive coordinators. Let the offensive and defensive coordinators choose who they want assisting them. The Raiders might also be in need of a new offensive line coach and possibly a running back coach depending on what happens with Tom Cable and running back coach Tom Rathman.

• Sixth—Sign Nnamdi Asomugha.

Do I really need to explain why keeping one of the top defensive backs in the NFL is a good idea? Just get 'er done!

• Seventh—Player evaluations, cuts and acquisitions

After all the GM and coaching staff is set, THEN and only then, do you start to make changes to the roster. Cuts and acquisition of players can now be made by the new, fresh, coaching staff as a whole. Of course acquisitions will take place throughout the year but none should take place until the new coaches get to evaluate who THEY think will fit THEIR system. (Of course. all of that is with Al's blessing only.)

• Eighth—The Raiders can focus on specific player and position needs with the draft.

After steps one through seven are done, the coaching staff is set. The current roster can then be evaluated, and the coaches can focus on the specific player needs of the team as a whole. The detailed planning for the draft can commence.

The Raiders team and organization is at a critical point in its long-storied history. Many coaching changes will be made this year and the need to return the silver and black to its winning ways is more crucial than ever.

It seems basic to me that the steps listed above come in that order. I don't see how it could work well any other way. BUT this is the Raiders and anything is possible.

But for now, all must sit and wait (again) for Mr. Davis to make his decisions. As always it is a test of one's patience, remembering that his decisions will come...they will come.

--The San Clemente Kid

Oakland Raiders: Turn Up the Circus Music, Al Davis Is Coach Hunting Again

Mike Sommers — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 09:14:23 -0500

Well here we are in such familiar territory as a Raider fan. The search for a head coach...AGAIN!

Although it seems that we have a head coach currently, Mr. Al Davis is finding it necessary to scour the earth for a new one.

Isn't this getting old for him? It is for me and many other Raider faithful.

It seems apparent to me and many others that we could be just fine by signing Tom Cable to continue as the head coach. I say let's do that and focus on getting him the correct coaching support he needs to get the offense and defense jumping (and no I don't mean offsides).

I have written this before that leaving Cable as the head coach will bring some much needed stability to the team. Hiring any new person will be a step backward before making any progress forward. So let's spare the team, and the fans, the change.

Here is the reality though, if Davis planned on keeping Tom Cable as the head coach of the Raiders, he wouldn't be interviewing anyone except Cable and one minority candidate as required by the NFL. Mr. Davis could then satisfy the NFL regulations, pat Cable on the back and move forward to finding the right offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator for this team.

But NO WAIT...This is Al Davis...the master of the NFL style soap opera...the man that goes out of his way to dramatize any move he makes.

From reports and news around the sports world, Davis has a few people that he is or is planning on interviewing for the head coaching job. Mr. Davis does not seem to be looking for a general manager either.

That does not bode well for Tom Cable returning as the head coach or for any continuity for the team. It just seems like more of a long drawn out soap opera approaching.

I have heard the names of the possible candidates and not one of them grabs me as a "SUPER COACH" type. They just seem to be the same ol' experiment type of coach that Al has been hiring since......ummmmm...forever...

Can't we just have an offseason of progress that makes sense? Some low-to-no drama moves that will instill confidence back into the players and staff?

The Raiders should have already hired Tim Brown somewhere on the staff, given Cable a two-year contract, and been working on getting the right offensive and defensive coordinators. That is all it takes to get this offseason started in the right direction...instead I sigh as I hear the circus music playing.

The San Clemente Kid

Memo to Al Davis: How To Save the Oakland Raiders in Six Easy Steps

Mike Sommers — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 05:38:44 -0500

After this crazy season of ups and downs for the NFL teams, there is one team that is poised to make a huge turnaround for 2009.

Yes folks I am (as usual) talking about the Oakland Raiders.

This is a team filled with talent and youth (just ask the Broncos, Jets, and Buccaneers). Lets get right to the point...

Below are listed the six easy steps for the Raiders return to success:

Re-sign the interim head coach Tom Cable to a two-year deal. There are many benefits to leaving Tom Cable as the head coach. He has the players confidence, it would allow for some much needed continuity, he is a life long Raider fan and he only wants best for the TEAM. If Al Davis fired Tom Cable, that would be a giant step backwards. The ONLY to recover from such a disastrous move would be to hire a top notch, well respected "Super Coach" and nothing less, and we know that isn't going to happen.
Hire a General Manager now. There are many contracts and signings that need dealt with. Al needs someone to help keep him from throwing money at the wrong people (see Javon Walker, Kwame Harris etc.). This will also allow Tom Cable to focus on who he wants not so much how to get them ($$).
Re-sign Nnamdi Asomugha and Shane Lechler. These are two of the best players on the team if not in the whole NFL at their positions. They not only suit up every day and give 100 percent, they are also classy individuals in the face of adversity. Besides, how do you replace the best corner and punter in the game. No need to take a step backwards with the talent, or risk getting another DeAngelo Hall right?
Replace the Defensive Coordinator Rob me of a win Ryan. His contract is up (thankfully) and it is time to bring in the right, aggressive, fly to the ball, blitz happy Defensive Coordinator available. With the list of NFL coaches that have been fired, placing the right guy on the Raiders defensive side should be e easy.
Replace the Offensive Coordinator Greg Knapp. Hell, he was benched many games ago for his play calling. It is time to replace him with the right Offensive Coordinator. In this position we could also look at the many available NFL coaches that were fired from head coaching. Preferably, we could acquire one that is known for his quarterback coaching skills. Russell has a lot of talent, he just needs the right guidance and coaching.
Let Tom Cable hire the new Offensive Line coach. Tom knows the zone blocking scheme very well and will choose the right person to fill the shoes he vacated when he was promoted to head coach.

Let's face it, the Raiders need some new coaching personnel. The time is right to get the right people to lead this team.

The steps above not only build the Raiders smoothly but also avoid the tragedy of another head coaching change. They also allow Tom Cable to focus. Cable can focus on player attitude, shedding the losing stigma, getting back to "Raiders" style of football (can we get mean again.... PLEASE), and putting us back to the top of the AFC West.

As a matter of fact, can it get any better for the Raiders in the AFC West.

San Diegos' Norv Turner is retained as head coach.

Denvers' head coach Mike Shanahan is fired.

And Kansas Citys' head coach Herm Edwards is retained as head coach.

That my friends is all good news for the Raider Nation. If Al Davis could follow the six easy steps above, the 2009 Oakland Raiders would be a dominant, respected team once again. AMEN

The San Clemente Kid

Oakland Raiders: Tom Cable Named Next Year's Head Coach!

Mike Sommers — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 09:19:44 -0500

The Oakland Raiders have named Tom Cable next year's head coach.

So what do you think of that idea?

Well it hasn't been announced by the Raiders, but it is a highly probable result for next year's coaching need.

I was thinking, after watching a replay of the game versus the Houston Texans, that maybe Tom Cable could very well be a good fit for the Raiders. He has a love for the Raiders that extends from his childhood. He seems to be liked by the players and the fans seem to like him. Could he be the best coach for the Raiders future?

I have previously brought up some scary scenarios about the future of our coaching staff that could possibly become a reality:

Al might decide to keep Tom Cable as head coach and renew Rob Ryan's defensive coordinator contract
Al might fire Tom Cable and let everyone go
Al might hire Rob Ryan as the head coach and ask Tom to return to being offensive line coach (since the offensive line assistant coach was hired away by Lane Kiffin)
Al might promote James Lofton from receivers coach to head coach
Al could offer Greg Knapp (benched offensive coordinator) the head coach job
Al could hire from the college ranks

But what do you think of this idea?

What if Al Davis keeps Tom Cable as the head coach and hires an outstanding offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator?

That could be a great plan. That would give Cable the ability to concentrate on morale, style of play, and getting the Raiders back to the Raiders style of football we grew up with.

Tom Cable has the heart, the desire, the love, and he truly cares for the Raiders. Match that to his knowledge of what the true Raiders style of football was all about and he just might be the right candidate.

A plan like that could get my vote (like that really matters).

The San Clemente Kid

Oakland Raiders: A Crazed Assortment of Scary Scenarios

Mike Sommers — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 11:17:23 -0500

As the season winds down for the Oakland Raiders, I contemplate and ask myself a HUGE question.

What will Al Davis do in regards to the coaching staff of the Raiders?

The answer to that question has huge ramifications as it will shape the future of the Raiders. Could the answer lift the Raiders from their dismal cellar dwelling record of recent years? Could the answer save the franchise from any more embarrassment? It very well could be the last coaching staff that Al ever hires.

This is NOT a question that Al Davis can avoid.

Al Davis, as you know, has fired his head coach early in the season, and has promoted Tom Cable from his duties as an offensive line coach to head coach. He has a defensive coordinator that is at the end of his contract and he has an offensive coordinator that was benched from calling plays. WOW...That is a supersized order of coaching positions that must be dealt with ASAP.

But wait! This is Al Davis.

This is a man that has mastered the word "secret." However Mr. Davis decides to address the coaching needs of the Raiders, you can bet we will be in the dark 'til the decisions have been made.

So you already know about the coaching needs of the team; let's take a look at what this article is REALLY about: The possible coaching scenarios that could happen.

Al might decide to keep Tom Cable as head coach and renew Rob Ryan's defensive coordinator contract
Al might fire Tom Cable and let everyone go
Al might hire Rob Ryan as the head coach and ask Tom to return to being offensive line coach (since the offensive line assistant coach was hired away by Lane Kiffin)
Al might promote James Lofton from receivers coach to head coach
Al could offer Greg Knapp (benched offensive coordinator) the head coach job
Al could hire from the college ranks

Scary isn't it?

All of those scenarios are possible, some are more plausible than others, but all are possible. We are talking about Al Davis here so anything can happen.

BUT...There is one scenario that is not listed above. The one scenario that myself along with many other Raider faithful hope for. A scenario that will catapult the Raiders back into the win column.

Al Davis could right this ship by bringing in a winning, respected, well known head coach to lead this team, a "Super Coach" if you will.

Yes, Al Davis, has the ability to get a "Super Coach" in here. Al Davis can get it done. Unfortunately we will all have to wait to see what he decides.

Knowing what you know about Al Davis and the Raiders, which scenario do YOU think will happen?

The San Clemente Kid

Oakland Raiders: The Short Version of What You Know, But Coaching Staff Doesn't

Mike Sommers — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 07:40:40 -0500

This is beginning to sound like a CD on "auto replay."

I chat daily with many Raider fans about each and every Raider game. It seems that every week we talk about how the Raiders could win and what it would take to accomplish that.

Now, I am not talking about the deep-rooted issues of the need for new coaches or the whole Al Davis drama. I am talking about something basic, something most teams have, it's called a "Game Plan."

It seems pretty obvious to me (and many many others I have talked to) that this is what the Raiders need and have needed to do to win games.

On Defense

We must pressure their quarterback. I know this seems basic, but we are completely unsuccessful when we let the opponents quarterback sit back all day and pick us apart.
We must play bump and run on the outside. I am talking about an "up in your face" bump at the line of scrimmage. This takes the timing out of the route and gives our D-line more time to get to the QB.
We must blitz. HELLO...Rob "me of a win" Ryan are you listening? What happened to blitzing from various places on the field? We have quick Linebackers but don't blitz, that is ridiculous. This also helps to pressure their QB.

That seems to be a very basic plan for any team: Blitz, pressure and tight "bump (smack) and run" coverage on the outside. Any defensive plan other than that for our defense STINKS. Without the plan above, we (as fans) watch the opponents move up and down the field at will. It is sickening to watch.

On Offense

We must run and then run some more. All of our stats show we can win with the run and our passing game is weak. Solution is to run the snot out of the ball with our horribly under utilized backfield (that is another topic in itself).
Don't commit penalties. Wow, what a revelation that is. I will bet that that one took you by surprise! I don't even need to talk about that much. Basically it is to get the players to stop shooting us in the foot with penalties...HELLO KWAME ARE YOU LISTENING?

So there it is, the same formula I have talked about all season. Not to complicated is it? It doesn't seem impossible to achieve does it? BUT...for some reason our coaching staff seems to treat that plan as some mysterious coaching scheme...why? Pop Warner teams can follow a plan like that, why can't we?

Can The Oakland Raiders' Al Davis "Get 'er Done?"

Mike Sommers — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 08:41:48 -0500

Ahhhhh, reality and the Raiders future. Such a mystical question is, "What will Al Davis do now?"

Well, one of the well known facts about the Raiders is that Al Davis hasn't relinquished total control EVER, and it is not likely that he will anytime soon.

BUT.......

Here are some facts that might MIGHT sway him to make some much needed and (what I feel) correct changes to this Raiders team that I and many others love.

1. Miami's hiring of Bill Parcells as a General Manager and giving him total control turned a pretty much talentless (nothing like the talent the Raiders have) 1-15 Miami team into a possible playoff team in ONE year. Which hopefully shows Al in black and white that a great general manager is vital. Solution—hire the right general manager (not Mr. Millen).

2. It seems within our coaching staff that we have no long-term contracts to adhere to and no great coach (or even average, though i do think Cable is a great line coach) in our midst. We are also looking to replace our defensive coordinator (contract is up this year), offensive coordinator (we pretty much fired Greg Knapp already) and head coach (Tom Cable was set to "Interim" from the get go and couldn't get it done).

So in my opinion, the team is primed and ready to make a complete coaching staff change (preferably by hiring the right head coach and letting him hire his own staff) and we sure could use a Bill Parcell-style of guidance and leadership at general manager.

AHHHH THE DOWNSIDE.

A MASSIVE downside to any of those actions actually taking place is that Al Davis has proved more than once that he has little respect for coaches and their contracts (and sometimes opinions).

Sure you can argue one way or the other about that, but bottom line, getting the right leadership to this team in a head coach or general manager position will be tough. The recent history of Lane Kiffin and Mike Shanahan's contract issues are glaring.

In conclusion, although the Oakland Raiders are a storied franchise with a rich history, and have a roster with some fantastic young talent, HOW WILL AL EVEN CONVINCE A QUALITY HEAD COACH AND/OR GENERAL MANAGER TO COMMIT TO THE SILVER AND BLACK?

Al Davis... this is your time to shine and get the right leadership in here. Your Raider faithful fans are counting on you so...GET 'ER DONE!

The San Clemente Kid

Oakland Raiders: Hey Al Davis, It's Trigger Time, Baby!

Mike Sommers — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 07:55:01 -0500

It is trigger time in the Raiders’ organization.

Never before has it been so obvious, so needed and so clear to see, that the Raiders need a new Head Coach. Wait a minute...Let me rephrase that...The Raiders need a new coaching staff!

I know, I know...You say “Mike we have had many new coaches over the last six years and it still hasn’t worked out.” Well folks, I am not talking about bringing in another rookie, project or experimental head coach.

I am talking about bringing in a respected, winning, well known coach; someone that will instantly grab the attention and respect of the players. A Jimmy Johnson, Bill Cowher, Steve Mariucci type of coach.

The Raiders have lacked discipline, game plan, preparedness, morale, focus, pride, accountability and confidence, all team attributes that come from the coaching staff. This has gone on since the Gruden years and it is time for that to come to a close.

Now I am not talking about bringing in just any head coach and making him use the current unsuccessful coaching staff. That would be like telling Kyle Busch to win the Daytona 500 with a ’74 Ford Pinto.

What I mean is for Al Davis to hire the best head coach money can buy (and that Al can convince that his contract is actually good and that he won’t tamper too much with the Head Coaches decisions {good luck}), and let HIM hire HIS OWN coaching staff.

Let the new Head Coach choose his own people to work with, people he knows are winners and on the same page to make this team a winner.

As a matter of fact, we are currently in need of an Offensive Coordinator, Defensive Coordinator (big time), Wide Receivers coach and throw in a new QB coach for good measure. Let a Johnson, Cowher, Mariucci bring in their own choices and we will have a winning team on our hands once again. God knows we need it.

So for the moment forget our Offensive line woes, the Wide Receiver issues and changes that need to be made on the player level. First things first, get the leadership renewed with the right guy and let him work his magic for you, Al.

Let's get rid of the losing stigma and losing streaks we have had. Let’s get back to the winning ways that were once known as Raider Football.

The San Clemente Kid

Oakland Raiders Rob Ryan: What Is the Problem?

Mike Sommers — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:29:30 -0500

Hello Raider fans and football fans alike...A word for this season is "frustrating"...But I will tell you what pumps this team up...A great defensive stand and three-'n-outs. This Raiders defense is so very capable of out performing almost any D with the players we have... we have all seen it and like a broken record I harp about Rob Ryan and his mysterious defensive schemes...What is his problem???

Is he gambling on us??? Is he loony??? Is he sabotaging us??? Does he want the h/c job and wants Cable, Kiffin, and any other head coach to fail???

Does he not care???

What would give him the reason to run defensive schemes the way he does?

As you may know, I think Rob me of a win Ryan is capable of leading this defense to being one of the top ranked d's in the league...One week he does and the next week he doesn't. A prime example of this is we stuff Denver in Denver, and the next week let K.C. march right down the field. HUH??

Sounds like Ryan is wagering on us. How else do you explain it. We haven't had injuries to our d (none too substantial).... and Ryan has been the D-coordinator for years now, so he is experienced.

Can someone give me a rational reason on why this has happened???

Here is a brief overview of our season, game by game:

Get run over by Denver and not change the d scheme the whole game.

Stuff the Chiefs' offense.

Stuff the then-potent first place Bills 'til the fourth, then go soft and lose.

Stuff the Bolts 'til the four, then go soft and lose.

Get smoked by the Saints, with no pressure on the quarterback by design.

Stuff the Jets and play solid D for FIVE QUARTERS (takes away the fatigue excuse for the other games)

Completely let the Ravens roll over us with no pressure by design.

Play fantastic D vs. the first place Panthers.

Stuff the Dolphins to only let them march right down the field with a soft D to lose the game.

Stuff the Broncos severely.

Play a soft D vs the Chiefs and lose to them at 1-10.

There is something severely wrong with this picture. That is unexplainable inconsistency. I think that this is subject that needs investigated. Someone from ESPN or FOX should grill Rob me of a win Ryan in an interview and ask how this happens!!!

I WANT ANSWERS, I THINK WE DESERVE TO KNOW WHAT AND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING...HELP

Oakland Raiders' Al Davis Orders New Coach

Mike Sommers — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 06:18:17 -0500

Here is the scene: Al Davis in the "Coaches Diner" drive thru in his big wing, '70s Cadillac, hanging out the window with his glasses and neck chain...

(girl on the speaker): Hello, welcome to the Coaches Diner, can I help you?

Al: (like the manager in the movie "Office Space") yyyeeeaaahhhh.... (smackin' his lips like old people do).... I would like to order......ummmmmmm yeeeahhh .... ummmmmm...

Girl: Sir can you hurry up and order your coaches, the season is getting short...

Al: DON'T RUSH ME MISSY!!..
....ummmmmmmm (scratching his head)..... how is the Coaches Deluxe meal?

Girl: (snipping back)... Uh.. It's GREAT...

Al: What comes in that?

Girl: That meal comes with a Championship head coach and two seasoned Coordinators, with a super playbook on the side......(kinda whispering) it is kinda expensive sir.....

Al: Do they want to be paid in full??

GIRL: DUH..... OF COURSE THEY DO!!.... you have to pay for quality sir...

Al: Dam... I hate that!.... Well what do you have in a small meal... say.. just a head coach with a useless contract??

Girl: Sir???? weren't you in here two years ago and bought the Kiffin meal?

Al: (concealing his voice a bit) UH ummmmm.... no that wasn't me!!......

Girl: uhhh ok (in disbelief)

Al: (takes a deep breath).... OK I know what I want..... I would like to order the Harbaugh package.... and can you take out the power and control.... I already have plenty in the car already....

Oh and can you give me that with a small contract and a lawsuit on the side????
OH AND DON'T FORGET TO DOUBLE THE BROWN NOSING ON THAT!!!..

Girl: Is that it?

Al: ooooops i almost forgot... can you give me an order of DRAMA for my fans????

Girl: Sure can.... do you want to "Supersize" that??

Al: Just Supersize, Baby!!

Girl: OK sir, that will be $986,000.....

Al: I HAVE A COUPON!!

Girl: OK

Al: do you take food stamps?

Girl: Just pull forward!!

Girl: (to co worker) Man this old geezer comes in just about every year and buys a coaching meal.... but he always gets the half-asssed meals..... I feel sorry for him (and his fans) .... We should just give him the Coaches Deluxe Meal......

Co-worker: (in his L.T. jersey) HELL NO!!!.. Screw that old fart!!....

Star Trek and the Raiders

Mike Sommers — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 12:05:47 -0400

kirk: Spock, what the hell is in that thing your looking into?? Is that a mini tv or somethin?

spock: No captain, I am looking at my Fantasy Football team and trying to figure out who to play.

Uhura: Captain, (holding that little blue tooth thing in her ear) I am receiving a signal from earth.

Kirk: Put it on the screen please

(the screen lights up and it is a giant Al Davis head) the whole crew jumps back!

Kirk: WHAT THE F*CK?

Screen: Kirk, this is Al Davis...I own this friggin ship and all in it...you will listen to my commands, no matter how crazy or unorthodox...NOW ARE YOU LISTENING?

Kirk: yes sir (still leaning back in his command chair).

Spock: (whispering to kirk) captain, it is 100% pure senility.

Kirk: (whispering back to spock) is there any way to stop him?

Spock: (whispering) no captain, he has the ultimate power and our fate in his wrinkly hand.

Kirk: (mumbles) SH*T!!

screen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Kirk: uhhhh nothing sir.... d d did you have a command for us?

screen: YES, I have given your young assss control of my ship (team), but I give you no real authority...you will do as I say and drive this ship right into the ground...regardless of the crew (the nation) and its feelings...AND DO IT NOW!!

(Screen turns off)

Kirk: ok crew, gather around and take a hit of spock's stuff (takes joint from spock and hits it)
(in a smoke inhaled, hold it in, voice...) F*CK THAT GUY...we are going to fly to Buffalo and fulton torpedo those new yahkers back to reality!!!

Sulu: to buffalo sir?

Kirk: Helll friggin yeah...

(calling scott)

Kirk: Scotty?

Scott: aye captain?

kirk: hey drop your c**k and pick up the rocks (di lithium crystals) and get this hoopdy ride to buffalo...