Bleacher Report - Articles by Marcus Walker

Ikuhisa Minowa and the Top 10 Freak Shows in MMA

Marcus Walker — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:02:45 -0500

“Kidding on the square.” If you’ve read Al Franken’s entertaining-yet-nit-picky book "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them", you probably remember the term. It means kidding, but also really meaning it. And I could not think of a better term to begin this article with. In other words, yeah, I’m making fun of the fact that Ikuhisa Minowa has stepped into the ring with more freakshows and circus attractions than the Ringling Brothers. But I’m also paying tribute to a career that has to have more outlandish stories and snapshots than Verbal Kint and Albert Finney’s "Big Fish" character combined. What a career. The man has a professional record of 43-30-8. He’s fought Cro Cop, Wanderlei, Sakuraba (in whitey tighties, no less), Rampage, Filho, Funaki, Tamura, Semmy Schilt (who is the only freak too good to be considered a “freakshow”), Evan Tanner, Chris Lytle, Phil Baroni twice, and Yuki Kondo … he even, somewhat fittingly, fought MMA iron man Travis Fulton to a draw back in 1998. And that’s BEFORE we get to his sideshow attractions. Of course, none of this would be fun without pictures, so without further ado, I give you the top ten (yes, there are TEN) …

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Marcus's Half Baked Take on MMA Lookalikes

Marcus Walker — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:21:13 -0500

In today's column, we're going to play a little game I like to call "MMA Lookalikes" in honor of the Nogueira brothers, who in my opinion, vaguely resemble each other. Also, that picture made me laugh. Before we begin, I'd like to get something on the record: Rich Franklin does NOT look like Jim Carrey. JIM CARREY looks like what would happen to Rich Franklin if he quit training, became addicted to cocaine and cigarettes, and developed an abnormally large overbite.

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The Prognosticator Is at It Again: UFC 106 Predictions

Marcus Walker — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:32:27 -0500

I know, I know. Too many previews. But after my sterling performance on my UFC 105 picks, did you really think I was going to let a much better card on paper slip through my fingertips without letting you, my dear reader, know whats going to happen?

Of course you didn’t. I guarantee you at least seven correct picks, or I'll shave my head and run around in a Speedo like Ikuhisa Minowa.

*puts on Mike Goldberg mask* and HEEERE WEEEE GOOO!!

(Sorry. That was totally uncalled for.)

Paulo Thiago (11-1) vs. Jacob Volkmann (9-0)

The Thiago-Koscheck KO is still my favorite MMA moment of 2009.

I love everything about it. The condescending commentary directed towards Thiago (Joe Rogan is slowly turning into Tommy Heinsohn. When he likes a fighter, he can’t hide it…and when he dislikes a fighter, he can’t hide it, either). The bombs Thiago took with his chin straight up in the air like he was checking out a chick in the 25th row. The way Koscheck walked in with his hands down. The face Koscheck made as he began sitting up, hereby known as the Josh Koscheck “the ref better jump in in the next two seconds or my head is going through the canvas like a meteor crashing into the Earth” face. And my favorite part: Rogan’s call. He was just like “what?” That pretty much summed up everyone's feelings.

The thing is, Thiago is a jiu-jitsu guy. So is Volkmann. When you match up guys with similar styles, one of two things happens: 1. the combatants play to their strengths (in this case, a submission festival) or 2. the combatants concede that their strengths are even, negate that fact, and just swing for the fences like two drunken guys at a bar. I think that scenario one is more plausible here. Even though Thiago KO’d Koscheck, he looked like he wished the fight was on the ground the entire time. I’ll take Thiago by decision in a sub-fest.

Quick post-script: these are two weird looking guys. Thiago looks like a Tekken 6 character, and Volkmann looks like what would happen if you fed a mob goon ten Red Bulls and kept him away from sunlight for a solid year. As you’ve probably noticed, I love playing the “MMA fighter lookalike game”, and I may have found my equal: my friend Ignacio. Watching UFC 105, he compared James Wilks to a Wii avatar and Roli Delgado to something that cant be printed here. High comedy.

My point? This is definitely a future column. Try to contain your excitement.

Random tangent: I pay as much attention to body language and facial expressions as I do to what fighters are actually doing. This leads to me saying things like “Gonzaga looks sad” and “Mike Bisping should consider a switch to decaf.”

I think it’s a huge indicator of things to come. For example, when Antoni Hardonk fought Pat Barry live on Spike, he looked angry and tense, which is the complete opposite of his demeanor, and refused to touch gloves with Barry. Then he went out and looked awful. Coincidence? Maybe. But it sure didn’t seem like it.

Kendall Grove (10-6) vs. Jake Rosholt (6-1)

Kendall Grove looks like a tattooed Burt. That’s first off. Second, this is a classic “winner gets to be the middleweight gatekeeper for the next year, loser gets his release granted and headlines some sleazy card in Jersey a month later” fight.

Since a promising 2-0 start since winning season three of the Ultimate Fighter, Grove has gone a lukewarm 3-3 since. When he’s on, he’s hell to deal with: a 6’6" middleweight, all arms and legs, with good jiu jitsu skills and a solid clinch game to boot. But he’s a bit of a frontrunner: If you hit him hard once, he’s either going down like he’s been tasered, or he’s playing it safe for the rest of the fight. He’s like the Vince Carter of MMA.

Jake Rosholt, desperately trying to shed the “just another wrestler” tag, looked relatively impressive in putting an always-game Chris Leben to sleep in his last fight.

He’s only got seven professional fights to his name, but the Leben fight proved that he belongs in the octagon. However, he was quickly submitted by Dan Miller in his first UFC bout, and Grove is good with submissions, so this fight is a pick ‘em in my mind.

Grove hasn’t fought even a decent wrestler since Ed Herman on the TUF 3 Finale. It’s been a while, right? So I think Rosholt takes Grove down after eating a few on his feet and pounds him out. Rosholt by TKO in round number two.

Jason Dent (28-9) vs. George Sotiropoulos (12-2)

Dent has four consecutive submission wins, including two via my favorite tap-inducer: the anaconda choke. Sotiropoulos is good with submissions as well, and I think they’ll go back and forth on the ground before the more grizzled Dent overpowers the undersized Sotiropoulos and hits him in the head repeatedly before earning the third round TKO stoppage.

Brock Larson (29-3) vs. Brian Foster (12-4)

I don’t have much to say about this fight other than this: They are feeding Foster to Larson after Larson unexpectedly crapped the bed against the unknown Mike Pierce.

This is a showcase fight through and through. Foster comes to fight and will not hesitate to swing for the bleachers, but Larson has the cred, experience, size, skill, and grit. Larson by submission in the first round.

Fabricio Camoes (10-4) vs. Caol Uno (25-12-4)

Uno looked abysmal in his UFC 99 bout with Spencer Fisher. Maybe it’s because they don’t let him wear his Nike’s in the octagon. Whatever. Uno has a ludicrous amount of experience; he was out saving the galaxy when Camoes’ grandfather was in diapers. Yes, that was probably the most cringe-inducing and embarrassing Star Trek reference ever recorded in print, but dammit, it made me laugh. I know I’m a geek. I know this.

Uno’s resume is surprisingly decorated, and his career has become pretty predictable: When he takes chances in fights, he gets knocked out because he has no chin (he tried his Three Ninjas routine on BJ Penn, and 11 painful seconds later, he was more out of it than Crispin Glover when he tried to kick David Letterman. And wow, Star Trek AND Three Ninjas references in the same column? You’re really getting your money's worth, huh?) When he doesn’t take chances, and takes his time, few fighters are more methodical or technically sound.

Camoes’ credentials are that he was submitted by Gleison Tibau, and that he TKO’d someone named “Joe Camacho”. That has to be a stage name. He also won an eight man tournament in 2006 by defeating three men in one night, including veterans Jean Silva and Luciano Azevedo. It takes guts to fight more than once on the same night.

Even though Uno is prone to walking into knockout blows, I think he will yet again play it safe here and go for the top control lay and prey special. However, Camoes will thwart that by taking chances on his feet and on the mat and outpointing good ol’ Uno soundly, 30-27. I even gave you a score.

Ben Saunders (7-1-2) vs. Marcus Davis (16-5)

Aesthetically, this fight is going to look strange. Davis is 5’8" with little reach, and he always stays tight with his punches. Saunders is a legitimate 6’2" and could probably reach me from wherever he is right now.

Not exactly Semmy Schilt vs. Akira Shoji, although I would put it in the same ballpark (but it’d have to be a spacious ballpark, like Comerica. Schilt vs. Shoji might never be topped. I love Japan.)

The only thing Davis really has to watch out for are Saunders’ telephone pole legs. Saunders is good with knees from the clinch, but if the fight ends up there he’ll also have to be wary of Davis crosses coming from well below him.

I thought Saunders folded a little bit in the Swick fight, and I can’t justify taking him here. He’s a talented fighter, no question, but Davis has the experience, strikes and submissions if he needs them. Davis by submission in the third round.

Phil Baroni (13-11) vs. Amir Sadollah (1-1)

Hey, it’s a Phil Baroni sighting! Wow! He was this previous era’s token “one dimensional puncher who scored some highlight reel knockouts and therefore artificially inflated his value to outside promotions.” I love when that happens. It’s like what happened during the 2005 NBA playoffs, when Jerome James played hard (for the first time in his career) for 11 consecutive games (imagine!) and slithered his way into $33 million from the Knicks the following year, followed by him immediately sucking and mailing in games again.

But hey, Baroni has experience galore, decent fundamental wrestling, and a pretty strong chin. Also, you do not want to catch a Baroni hook on the Jay Leno. You thought Amir got taken out by Johny Hendricks…watch what happens if Baroni clips him.

Of course, that’s a big “if.” Amir Sadollah is known for capitalizing on what most fans would agree is the all-time weakest cast in 10 seasons of the Ultimate Fighter, winning the show and the respect of his peers in the process.

The man had no previous professional experience. He scored a controversial “submission” of CB Dollaway, where CB only tapped once. And then Hendricks beat him in 29 seconds, although the stoppage was a little hasty. That's his whole career. It’s not a lot to go off of.

This is quite the clash of styles and mindsets. Baroni has taken beatings from way more lethal fighters than Sadollah, so he doesn’t have to worry about catching one here. He really just has to watch himself if and when the fight hits the ground; Amir is pretty crafty down there.

The question with Sadollah is how he’ll respond to Baroni coming forward like Michael Jackson’s accusers. Can he take a shot? Can he elude Baroni’s punches? If the answer to those two questions is yes, then I’ll take Amir by decision.

For some reason, though, something tells me that Amir will once again wilt under the pressure of his more aggressive foe. Baroni by TKO in the second round after a back and forth battle.

Luiz Cane (10-1) vs. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (17-3)

Can we start calling Banha “Night Train?” You have to admit, Luiz “Night Train” Cane has a great ring to it. It would make him sound like 15% cooler. Whatever we call him, though, the fact is that he has what easily is the toughest fight of his career on his hands with the long limbed 'Lil Nog.

Antonio Rogerio “Minotoro” Nogueira has fought a who’s who of high caliber mixed martial artists, and he’s beaten most of them. He has superb boxing skills, and he’s a BJJ wizard from the bottom position. However, since his shocking upset loss to Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou (the biggest MMA upset in the history of gambling), he’s fought (get ready, this list is full of doozies) Todd Gouwenberg, Dion Staring, Vladdy Matyushenko, Moise Rimbon, and the immortal Edwin Dewees. I think it’s safe to say Cane is a healthy step up in competition.

Meanwhile, Night Train Cane (See, that sounds great, right? ADMIT THAT IT SOUNDS GREAT!!) has handled the B and C level fighters the UFC has given him thus far, but whoever takes this one should get in line for a future title shot. These guys are good.

I could see this being the Fight of the Night. Both guys are astute at using their reach (Cane with his kicks, 'Lil Nog with his hands), although 'Lil Nog is more cerebral while Cane always has a look on his face like he just found out that he knocked up a hooker.

Bottom line is, this is a tough fight for 'Lil Nog. Cane is better in the clinch, better with his kicks, keeps his hands nice and high and doesn’t waste movements like so many other fighters. Although I don’t see a finish here, I think Night Train takes this by decision and then slaps Joe Rogan hard across the face before realizing that the fight is over.

Josh Koscheck (13-4) vs. Anthony Johnson (8-2)

Hands down, my favorite fight on the card. This boils down to one thing, and one thing only: will Josh Koscheck resort back to his wrestling? Hey, Josh? I know you can't hear me, but do you want to win this fight? Use your wrestling! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, USE YOUR WRESTLING!!

Of course, nothing would make me happier than a Rumble KO, but I have grown to appreciate Koscheck for two things. First, it’s ridiculous how much better his stand-up has gotten over the years. Second, the guy still has the best shot in MMA. When he wants to take you down, he is going to take you down. However, his hairstyle is tragic.

Johnson has proven to be an absolute dynamo when it comes to his stand up. Ever since his brutal demolition of Tommy Speer, I knew he was going to make some noise in the welterweight division. That was a video game knockout.

He has an explosive style, but unlike many top shelf strikers, his style is not smooth. It is rather herky jerky, to be honest. To quote my friend Matt, Johnson has a “twitch” that is difficult to time and risky to try to disrupt. He has yet to be truly rocked in his UFC career, and while Koscheck has the power to do just that, I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to play with fire.

I don’t want to overanalyze this one, because I could see it going in a variety of directions. Both guys are dangerous, and both guys have legitimate outs to win this fight, but I’m going with my gut and picking Johnson to win by TKO midway through the second round. He is ready for bigger and better things.

Karo Parisyan (18-5) vs. Dustin Hazelett (12-4)

McLovin returns! I’m pumped. Why do they call him McLovin? He bears no resemblance to the Superbad scene-stealer…he’s more like a mutant Justin Timberlake.

Anyway, Hazelett was on a roll before he got hurt, showcasing a spectacular array of “wait, the human arm isn’t supposed to bend that way!” submissions, as well as much improved striking, which I think he’ll want to put on display here.

Why? Because Karo Parisyan’s standup just isn’t that good, yet he often insists on standing and banging, even when it’s detrimental to his ability to win the fight. Hazelett will have a reach advantage, but you know Karo has at least one absurdly good judo throw in him. On the ground, both are skilled, although Hazelett loves submissions while Karo likes to ground and pound.

(Quick tangent I wanted to put in print before it becomes too dated: Karo just has a terrible attitude. After he was stopped by Thiago Alves, he got up and stomped around like an eight year old who was just denied a Happy Meal from McDonalds. It wasn’t a bad stoppage at all, either; I distinctly remember Karo’s body going limp for a second. Then three seconds later, he’s throwing a tantrum. He and Ken Shamrock should get together and swap “Come on, I wasn’t out!” stories.)

I can’t see Karo Parisyan being submitted, but I can’t see him stopping Dustin on his feet or on the ground. I think Hazelett out-positions Karo over three rounds and wins a decision.

(Late update: Parisyan is out of this fight. Hazelett will get Karo's money. Damn it all. Now Karo and Shamrock can trade "Come on, I wasn't out!" stories AND "Lets' see how many ways I can screw up a great oppurtunity" stories.)

Forrest Griffin (16-6) vs. Tito Ortiz (15-6-1)

Let me start out by saying that I cant get enough of this UFC 106 promo. You know the one I mean: it’s got the guy with the goofy voice doing the whole “Tito Ortiz looks to regain his footing and make another run at the Light Heavyweight title” routine, followed by Ortiz throwing a “devestating” right hand that is reminiscent of a man throwing a shot put that’s too heavy.

I love how Tito tries to make it seem like he could actually win the title again. They created this division specifically for him, back when the only other guys were Vladdy Matyushenko, Evan Tanner, and a bunch of cadavers.

I never understood the whole Tito Ortiz thing. He has good takedowns and good ground and pound, but I can honestly think of at least fifteen guys who are better at both things. I think it must be the whole “blond hair, flaming shorts, ex-porn star wife who now weighs less than a can of Mickeys, ‘brash’ personality that couldn’t be more painfully staged” gimmick. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. It can't possibly be because of his fighting prowess. It just cant.

Forrest looks to redeem himself from a surreal loss to Anderson Silva at UFC 102. He’s going to win this fight. Even though he’s had a rough go of it lately, he’s fought way more high caliber opponents, whereas Tito just talks about how he wants to fight high caliber opponents. Big difference.

I see Forrest pumping his jab in the first round, watching Ortiz tire himself out, then slamming 438 kicks into his thigh over the next two rounds as Tito pretends that he wants to throw hands.

Sure, Ortiz might claim to be “injury free”, but he’ll never be “excuse free.” That will be proved after he loses a decision and gives Rogan something right out of his “excuse jukebox,”, something like, “yeah, I tore my ACL in the second round” as he’s showered with boos from drunken hooligans who know damn well that you can’t fight on a torn ACL. Griffin by decision.

UFC 105: 8-3

Combined predictions record: 19-18

Main Event predictions record: 2-0

UFC 105 Couture vs. Vera: What's About To Happen

Marcus Walker — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:26:25 -0500

Aloha everybody! In case you haven’t noticed, every time I preview a fight card, my picks are usually about as accurate as Donald Rumsfeld’s predictions about the war in Iraq. I was a reprehensible 8-14 picking fights on an international website.

Until Strikeforce.

The Strikeforce show unfolded almost exactly as I predicted, with one exception: Brett Rogers is better than I thought. I thought he fought a great fight, but Fedor is making a habit of catching guys 0.000001 seconds before they catch him. At what point are people going to stop calling Fedor overrated? Can someone give me a date?

We would have had a second exception, but I was mildly shocked at the Silva-Werdum decision. Definitely a close fight, but I thought Bigfoot did enough to win. And it’s a shame he lost, because in my opinion he has way more tools to throw Fedor off than Werdum does. Oh well.

Anyway, 3-1 ain’t bad. I’m confident enough to bestow upon you, the reader, a preview of next Saturday’s lackluster UFC 105.

PS: go ahead and just “single page” this one, because I’m going to ramble on like Ted Striker in Airplane! Just giving you a heads up.

Alexander Gustaffson (8-0) vs. Jared Hamman (10-1)

I'm going to get straight to the meat of this card, so I'll just say this: Gustaffson by TKO. It's just an all around cooler name.

Andre Winner (9-3-1) vs. Roli Delgado (6-4-1)

Man, it’s hard to keep up with all this new talent coming into the UFC. I’m at the point where I think there is almost TOO MUCH talent. And I’m not going to scour the internet for these two guys’ fights. It just isn’t going to happen.

The only time I’ve seen Winner fight was on the TUF 9 finale. He lost. Wasn’t particularly defiant in defeat, either.

As for Delgado? I vaguely remember watching him fight Junie Browning in that atrocity of a TUF season. I couldn’t tell you what happened.

For no reason whatsoever, give me Delgado by decision.

Nick Osipczak (4-0) vs. Matthew Riddle (3-0)

Most fight fans know Riddle for his devestating knockout of Dan Simmler on the Ultimate Fighter. It was a first in two instances: 1. Nobody had ever been KO’d on TUF to the degree that they were moaning like a Tuskan Raider from Star Wars , and 2. Quinton Jackson had never abandoned his fighter after a demoralizing loss. Imagine what Rashad would have thought of this one.

Since then, Riddle has rattled off three straight dominant but relatively uninspiring decisions against the likes of Dante Rivera, Steve Bruno, and Dan Cramer, none of whom are considered strikers.

Enter Nick Osipczak. His only UFC bout that “counted” was a quick submission win over Frank Lester, but he has more tools on his feet than Riddle. This fight is going to come down to Osipczak’s TD defense. If he can keep the relentless Riddle off of him, he can win a decision by outpointing him.

In my opinion, this is one of those fights that Riddle wins nine out of 10 times. But, reading Riddle’s pre-fight quotes, he is CLEARLY looking past Nick, which seems like a dumb idea when you have never finished a opponent. Osipczak by decision in an upset.

John Hathaway (11-0) vs. Paul Taylor (10-4-1)

I like this matchup. Hathaway is one of those guys who isn’t particularly great at any one thing, but does several things at an above average level. Add that to the fact that he’s a 6’1 welterweight with reach and suddenly you have one of the UFC’s top welterweight prospects.

Then you have Taylor, a solid, if somewhat frenetic striker with a 3-3 UFC record and 3 Fight of the Night bonuses on his resume. Win or lose, Paul Taylor always shows up to fight. You have to hand it to him.

I just think Hathaway has more ways to win this one. He has to be careful when he gets in close, as Taylor has proven he knows how to dirty box with the best of them. But John can use his wrestling, top control and submission game to throw Taylor off and force him to go for broke on the feet. I could see Taylor winning, but I think Hathaway takes this one via decision.

Paul Kelly (9-1) vs. Dennis Siver (14-6)

Paul Kelly gets on top of people and grinds them out. Sometimes he throws hooks to the body, but he'll put on a top control clinic against Siver before subbing him late. Kelly my 3rd round submission.

Terry Etim (13-2) vs. Shannon Gugerty (12-3)

I have done a complete 180 on Terry Etim. Seeing him at first, I thought he was going to be another one of those fantastic strikers that simply could not stop a takedown if his life depended on it.

Then, we found out that Terry is a pretty good grappler as well. But he’s learned how to dictate where the fight goes, which is always a great thing for someone with such flawless muay thai.

As for Shannon Gugerty, well…let's just say that he hasn’t exactly blown my socks off so far in his UFC career. I remain uncertain as to what he does well. Other than stay in lopsided triangle chokes for a minute and a half before tapping. He seems like a tough guy though. I have to give him that.

I love Etim here. He’ll blast Gugerty out within two rounds. TKO for Etim.

James Wilks (6-2) vs. Matt Brown (10-8)

I'm just gonna keep this one short: I love Matty Brown here. Wilks did a nice job submitting DaMarques Johnson to win TUF season nine, but I think that was one of the least talented TUF casts they've had. I think Brown exposes Wilks pedestrian striking game here and knocks him out at the end of the first round.

Ross Pearson (9-3) vs. Aaron Riley (28-11-1)

For starters, Riley is 4-1 in his last five fights against better than average competition, with the lone setback coming on one of the worst early stoppages in MMA history, courtesy of UFC newcomer Rick Fike. Where do they find these guys? Wow. He went on to bully Nelson in the rematch. I love the experience and veteran striking, but at what point does Riley just become punch drunk? I mean, this guy has taken A LOT of damage over his 12 year career. He’s tough as nails, no question. But still.

Luckily for Riley, he’s fighting Ross Pearson, whose lone UFC fight came to the likes of Andre Winner on the TUF 9 finale. He won a decision, but his style in that fight reminded me of a man trapped in a phone booth with a bee. In other words, he was really fast, stayed tight with his strikes and showed a lack of ability to land anything clean. I don’t necessarily know what that means, but give me the veteran over the relative newcomer. Riley by TKO in the third round.

Denis Kang (32-11-1) vs. Michael “The Count” Bisping (17-2)

If you're a UFC or PRIDE/DREAM fan you should know both of them pretty well at this point. Bisping is a British counter fighter whose stand up is a bit too full of jitters and nervous energy to suit my liking, which is why the Henderson KO made complete sense to me. Bisping fights nervous as hell. It finally caught up to him.

That being said, he has shown that he knows how to eke out decisions by moving around, countering with double jabs, body kicks, and Jazzercise knees. I'm not saying he isn't a talented fighter, but I just cant see him consistently beating top guys.

Of course, to me, Denis Kang isn't a top guy. He is good with submissions, and he's also good at getting caught in them. His standup could be described as "adequate" and maybe even "slightly above average...just slightly" but nowhere near spectacular.

I think this fight comes down to who can put more pressure on the other fighter when the fight is on the feet. If Kang does the Henderson approach and swings wild combinations until he connects when Mikey is backing up, I could definitely see Kang taking over.

But you know what? If the fight hits the ground, I honestly don't trust Kang to not get subbed. I could easily see it happening, and I'm going to predict that it will. Kang will knock Bisping down with a punch and attempt to pounce as Mikey triangles the living crap out of him. Yes, I just picked Michael Bisping. I don't like it any more than you do.

Bisping by sub, round three.

Mike “Quick” Swick (14-2) vs. Dan “The Outlaw” Hardy (22-6)

Boy, has this Mike Swick thing gone too far. It really has. I honestly do not understand how he keeps beating these guys. Maybe I'm an idiot. To me, he had a better chance of flourishing at 185 where he didn't have to cut weight and still maintained his trademark speed.

So how the hell did he make it to a title eliminator against a much more polished striker? Let's take a closer look.

Swick made his WW debut against wrestler Josh Burkman. He looked more gaunt than Calista Flockhart after a 30 hour famine. Of course, he won a lackluster decision. Not a good start, though.

Then, they throw him in there with Marcus Davis, who proceeds to wilt under Swick's pressure for 15 minutes, only there wasn't really any pressure. Mike makes sure to be as predictable as possible, whiffing on four straight headkicks in the opening minute. The fight ended with some "brutal" Swick "ground and pound" that had me saying things like "Mark Coleman does not approve" and "is Marcus Davis throwing this fight?" An utterly perplexing 15 minutes. Why didn't Davis put some four- and five-punch combos together?? Why?!? You got me. By the way, I know I'm an armchair fighter. Heard you loud and clear. Swick again takes the unanimous nod.

Fast forward to Swick vs. Jonathan Goulet (wow! The fans have been waiting for this one for years!). Goulet runs into a right hand and it's over. Of course, Goulet could run into a stale fart and it'd be over. Alas.

Finally, we have Swick vs. Ben Saunders. Swick takes him down as Saunders proceeds to hug him like a koala for three consecutive minutes. Swick doesn't attempt to pass or strike. Of course he doesn't. Once the fight hits the feet, Saunders strarts to find his range with kicks to the body. Apparantely, Saunders doesn't realize that this is MMA and you can throw punches. This truth manifests itself in the second frame as Saunders is blasted with a frenetic combo and drops to the ground like he's been shot. Swick by TKO.

Now...

Has Swick just been given favorable matchups? Or is he truly coming into his own at the lower weight class?

Dan Hardy's career in the UFC has consisted of two razor-close split decision wins over accomplished fighters (the aforementioned Davis and Japanese diva Akihiro Gono) and a counter-left-hook KO of Militech product Rory Markham. I have seen enough of Hardy to know the following things: he's an explosive, technically sound striker; he's not bad on the ground; and he has an annoying mohawk.

I think Hardy has enough cage presence to dictate where this fight goes. I'd say he'd want to keep it on his feet and be the first guy since Chris Leben to make Swick see tweety birds. Come on, Dan. I'm tired of being confused. Hit him in the face and call it a day. Hardy by KO in the second round.

Randy “The Natural” Couture (16-10) vs. Brandon Vera (11-3)

Oh God. I have to write about this fight? Really? Yeah, I guess I kind of have to seeing as how it’s the main event and everything. But still. Yikes. The only reason you should read this is if you want to see my prediction and heckle me for being wrong. Because I honestly don’t have too many nice things to say about either guy at this point. Here we go.

Couture is coming off a loss, a massacre of almost Biblical proportions against fading superstar Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira…in front of his hometown crowd, no less. The lesson, as always: you never want to be the “hometown favorite.” Ever. Ever ever ever. It’s almost like wearing a red shirt in Star Trek.

Randy would hit Nog, and Nog would just come back with four or five bombs. It was the first fight, to me, that really exposed Randy’s age for what it is. Nog was faster, smarter, more cerebral, everything you’d want in a performance. There was no hole in Couture’s game that Nog did not expose at some point in the fight.

Anyway, I think this fight comes down to two questions:

1. Is Randy still decent at 205?

This is a complicated question. On the one hand, no, he isn’t. On the other hand, is he decent enough to topple Brandon Vera? I think he is.

2. Can Vera capitalize on the fact that Randy is 46?

Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on who has the better gameplan, really. God, I hate this fight. I hate it. But hey, as they always say…it’s on free TV, you dunce. You know what? Good point.

I think Randy pushes Vera up against the cage, dirty boxes him, takes him down, pats away at him for awhile, and then the first round ends. Just rinse and repeat for the other two rounds. That’s all I can tell you. Couture by decision.

Fedor Emelianenko vs. Brett Rogers: Last Minute Preview

Marcus Walker — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:50:37 -0500

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're about to find out if anyone out there will still read me after an unexplained six month hiatus. I'm easily as excited as Billy Madison on Nudey Magazine Day. Maybe even more.

Strikeforce today, UFC 105 next week.

Enjoy.

Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva (13-1) vs. Fabricio “Vai Cavalo” Werdum (12-4)

This is a decent title eliminator match, which would be fine, if Strikeforce had any semblance of heavyweight depth. Which they don’t. Bigfoot looks to prove he can hang with the best at heavyweight as he takes on Werdum (coming off a win against the immortal Mike Kyle), who, at least on paper, appears to overmatch him. But that’s why they fight the fights. I think Bigfoot will prove that he can stay out of Werdum’s subs using his superior size, and eventually a frustrated Werdum will realize that if he’s going to beat this guy, it’s going to be on the feet. Good luck with that. As long as Bigfoot doesn’t have any Eric Pele flashbacks, he’ll use his size, and skill to outpoint Werdum in a relatively uneventful unanimous decision.

Jake Shields (23-4-1 vs. Jason “Mayhem” Miller (22-6) (for MW title)

Here's my expert analysis: Jake Shields is just BETTER than Jason Miller. He can match all of Miller's skills, and then some. Throw in the Mayhem Monkeys, constant distractions, his reprehensible “reality” show, the dumb grills, the overbearing “I’m funny, look at me” personality, the fact that Mayhem thinks he’s a sub wizard, and the fact that Mayhem is completely insane, and you know what you get? You get a win for Jake Shields, that's what. By decision, but still.

Gegard “The Dreamcatcher” Mousasi (26-2-1) vs. Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou (7-4)

This scrap is the bastard stepchild of the Ando Silva-Forrest Griffin tilt that headlined UFC 102. You know what I mean. The “look, we know whose going to win, it wont be that close, and it’s not for the title, but these are two young, talented athletes, and this is going to be an exciting fight, dammit! Just watch it and shut the hell up!” Alright, then. The only thing I can’t decide is whether Gegard will tap him, or TKO him.But, you didn’t come here for cocky proclamations. You came here for analysis. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

Sokoudjou is coming off of two consecutive victories over Tugboat and Earthquake, respectively (Jan Nortje and Bob Sapp). Not exactly a murderers' row. Not to mention, he had to be pulled off by the ref both times. Was he the victim of ‘roid rage? Or was he just afraid that Jan, or Bob would get up, and attempt to eat him? We may never know. What we do know is that all of Sokoudjou’s fights tend to unfold in one of two ways: (1) He blitzes his opponent with punches and kicks, and earns a quick TKO victory, or (2) he blitzes his opponent with punches and kicks, wonders why his opponent is still standing, and gets tired within three minutes. Remember my PRIDE article and the Alistair Overeem “Crap, THREE more minutes?” Face? Step aside, Ali. Soko is the new king of this face. The only difference is that he makes it during five minute rounds. After that, it’s a matter of time before he gets “caught” in an arm triangle, or a like-minded submission.

Mousasi has been on an absolute tear lately, winning 13 fights in a row against top competition (Kang, Babalu, Manhoef, Jacare, Lombard, etc). He has shown that he can break an opponent's strengths and weaknesses down to a tee. He studies his opponent, finds the weak point, and attacks it. He triangled Manhoef in a minute twenty eight without throwing a strike.He TKO’d Babalu in a minute flat against the cage.

And, to think, the UFC didn’t even make him an offer. What a travesty.

The striking in this matchup is relatively even, but Mousasi has the advantage in nearly every other facet: Ground game, submissions, gas tank, and savvy. I think Gegard makes this look relatively easy, and trades heavy strikes with Soko before luring him to the ground and finishing him via straight armbar. In the first round.

Fedor Emelianenko (30-1) vs. Brett “The Grim” Rogers (10-0) (for HW title)

Ahhh, yes…it’s the elephant in the room. Let's forget for a second that Fedor’s agent, Vadim Finkelstein, is an absolute failure at his job and that Fedor should be fighting Brock Lesnar for the UFC HW title. Let's forget that Fedor has fought five times in three years. Lets forget about the fact that Fedor isn’t that well known in the States, and that Brett Rogers is undefeated. Seriously, throw all of that out the window for a second, because I’m about to drop a bomb on you.

This is a man who has never lost a fight fair and square. Yes, he had a few close decisions when he was fighting in RINGS, but keep in mind, in RINGS they did not allow strikes to the head on the ground. In Fedor’s case, this was like outlawing Kareem’s sky hook; Yeah, he’d still be good, but not nearly AS good.

And yes, Cro Cop and (especially) Kazuyuki Fujita clipped him, and briefly sent him into an impromptu rendition of the Salmon Dance, but in both cases, he immediately fought off the cobwebs and established dominance.

Other than that, the man has left a path of destruction that is simply unprecedented. His ground-and-pound is fantastic, his submissions are slick, his top control is stifling, his stand-up game is underrated (seriously, for all the “holes” in his stand-up, why do I always get the feeling that he wants you to think his stand-up has holes? It's known as "playing possum"), his clinch game and sambo throws are sublime, and to top it off, WE ARE LETTING THIS MAN INTO A CAGE. If Fedor pins Rogers’ head against the fence, phone a priest immediately.

As for Brett Rogers? Well, I’ve seen every fight of his that I can find, and I have three nice things to say: First, the man hits hard. That much, we can tell. Second, he seems very relaxed and poised on his feet. And third, he looks like a cross between Ben Wallace and every heavyweight boxing champion who ever lived. So he has that going for him.

Fedor will fall eventually, but not here. Fedor by armbar in the first round.

UFC 97: Everyones' Favorite Prognosticator

Marcus Walker — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 11:43:24 -0400

That's right ladies and gentleman, I'm doing another preview! I hope this doesn't turn out to be another well-documented example of how I know nothing about fighting.

I'm just going to do the main card, because the undercard is filled with overrated has-beens and guys I've never heard of (just last week, TJ Grant asked me if I wanted my sub toasted). Denis Kang, David Loiseau, Ed Herman, Nathan Quarry, Ryo Chonan...all of this would be fine if it were 2005.

Just had to get a little dig in there before I go down in flames like Bill Shatner in the first Star Trek movie. Without further ado, let the carnage begin!

Brian Stann vs. Krzysztof Soszynski

I don't know much about Stann, and all I know about KS is that, although he's somewhat of a stiff, he's a good grappler. Also, there's no way he learned how to spell his name before the age of five. That's a lot of Z's. For absolutely no reason, I'm going to say KS wins by submission. That's why I make the big bucks.

Steve Cantwell vs. Luiz Cane

Love this matchup. Love it to pieces. Cantwell has shown that he has knockout power, but he's fighting a seasoned Muay Thai guy with a sizable reach advantage who can take it as well as dish it out.

My dislike for Cantwell set aside, this really is a tough matchup for him. Either he comes out overzealous, swings for the fences, and gets caught, or he paces himself, swings for the fences later in the fight, and gets caught. It's really one or the other.

Cane might have to take one or two early, but expect him to weather the storm and TKO Cantwell at the end of round one.

Cheick Kongo vs. Antoni Hardonk

Whoever wins this fight will have to be considered a contender for the heavyweight belt. Even though I think Kongo has a more complete set of skills, I'm taking Hardonk. He's got to fight smart, though.

First, if you put two relatively equal strikers together, which these guys are, generally the guy with the longer reach is going to want to keep his distance while the other tries to get inside. I think the opposite is true here.

Although Antoni is solid in the clinch, he should avoid it. He doesn't want to take any "accidental" nut shots, and he definitely doesn't want to get taken down, because the Igor Vovchanchyn Memorial "Tie you up from the bottom and wait for a stand up" Guard can only take you so far. I could absolutely see Hardonk grounded and pounded into a Dutch Space Cake.

The real question is going to be answered when Kongo takes one or two of those hellacious leg kicks; will his striking pedigree make him want to beat Antoni on the feet, or will he keep his ego in check and go for the ground game, where he is clearly better?I'm banking on the fact that Kongo doesn't seem like a guy who would keep his ego in check. Hardonk by decision.

Chuck Liddell vs. Mauricio Rua

As one dimensional as Liddell is, he's a terrible matchup for the 28-going-on-45 Mauricio Rua, who has seemingly turned into MMA's Penny Hardaway, or "The Guy Who Peaked Too Early".

Rua likes to come charging in with punches and knees, and Liddell likes to catch guys when they come charging in with punches and knees. You do the math. Also, Rua will go for a ton of takedowns, but I don't see him grounding Liddell for any extended period.

I don't think Liddell will knock him out, though; I see a sloppy borefest where I'm getting up for a beer run halfway through the second round. Liddell will win a decision, and Rua will be back in Japan fighting Ryo Kawamura and looking like the "Old Shogun" (a distant cousin of the "Old Vitor") before you know it.

Anderson Silva vs. Thales Leites

This fight doubles as this weekends' Obvious Fight and The Fight That Shouldn't Even Be Happening Right Now. If that UFC 85 point deduction fiasco didn't happen, this would be Nate Marquardt or Yushin Okami, who they are really putting through the meat grinder before they give him a shot at the title ("Hey Yushin, beat this Antarctic polar bear, and we swear we'll give you the winner").

Also, nobody thinks Leites has a chance, and with good reason: Silva is superior in almost every way. But I got me a rule: Any time the American betting public writes someone off, that person should immediately be made the odds-on favorite. I think Leites has a great chance here, but, like Hardonk, he has to fight smart.

It's basically going to come down to Thales' gas tank, because we know Silva will be in shape. Thales can take a punch, and he's going to have to take several to give himself a chance at winning. On the feet, he should use his leg kicks, but he should use them from a distance.

Punches should only be thrown when he's shooting for a takedown, and they should be wild haymakers. Also like Hardonk, he should avoid clinching with Anderson. If he doesn't, Thales' nose could end up landing in the fifth row as the Rich Franklin Face makes a memorable encore appearance.

Thales has beautiful takedowns, and although Anderson's ground game is excellent, it is not on the level of Thales Leites. He's gotta use the shoot, though; again, screw trying to trip him from the clinch.

I see Anderson dominating the first part of the fight, sprawling perfectly, landing shots at will, and basically making me look like an idiot. But as the fight wears on, I think Leites will get him down, and eventually mount him before locking up a shocking armbar submission. Yes, I'm serious.

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold: A Few Rematches I'd Like to See

Marcus Walker — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 22:38:02 -0400

Rematches are often the sign of lazy matchmaking. Back in the PRIDE days, they'd go "instead of finding fresh talent to challenge Wanderlei, lets just feed him an endless string of Japanese cans, followed by a washed up Kazushi Sakuraba. Our fans will love it."

And you know what? They did. But that doesn't mean it was necessary.

However, some fights have enough enthralling subplots to justify a rematch. In my humble opinion, here are a few...

Rashad Evans vs. Tito Ortiz

This rematch was slated to happen a few months after their lackluster draw at UFC 73, at UFC 77 in Cincinnati, Ohio. Because Tito was tied down to "Celebrity Apprentice" at the time, it didn't happen.

Why do people call Tito a warrior? "Celebrity Apprentice"? Really?

Anyway, had this been a five-rounder, I am 100 percent confident Rashad would have prevailed. He was getting stronger as the fight went on.

Also, the crucial Tito fence grab in round 2 negated a thunderous Evans takedown that could have swung the fight.

Plus, Rashad has improved his quickness, footwork, and dexterity sevenfold since then; he would end Ortiz on the feet.

Ortiz hasn't added anything to his game in about ten years, other than an overhand right that is reminiscent of a drunken bum swinging at a pinata.

Of course, since Rashad is now the champion with the monumental task of solving the riddle of Machida, this fight isn't even necessary.

Ken Shamrock vs. Tito Ortiz IV

Just kidding.

Robbie Lawler vs. Nick Diaz

Nick Diaz has a 19-7 record in mixed martial arts competition. 20 if you count the time he beat a clearly drunken Gomi but got it revoked because he tested positive for marijuana. And I count that.

I don't care if he was more stoned than Benicio Del Toro every time he gives an interview. A win is a win. The thing is, though, if he had Rich Franklin's personality, I honestly believe he would have at least ten losses. Imagine fighting a guy who was calling you a little bitch during exchanges. You'd want to pay him back pretty quick, right? Well, Nick knows this. Thats' just who he is. It is a brilliant strategical tool that often swings fights in his favor.

Case in point: his scrap with a still-somewhat-green Robbie Lawler at UFC 47. You may remember this show; it featured the worst fight in MMA history. Wade Shipp vs. Jonathan Wiezorek. Holy moly.

Anyway, Nick came out, dropped his hands, stuck out his head like Prince Naseem, and shouted enough uncomplimentary remarks at Lawler that ref Steve Mazagatti actually told him to stop talking. Lawler became so agitated and angry that a short right hook on the chin was all it took to end his night.

If anything, the loss helped build Lawler into the great fighter he is today. He is much more relaxed and calculated now. But if you told me that he never wakes up in a cold sweat wondering how the hell this one got away from him, I wouldn't believe you. I guarantee you Lawler broke something expensive when he looked at the tape of this fight. This is a rematch that has to happen.

Mauricio Rua vs. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira

Although this would almost certainly be a let down compared to their epic 2005 clash, I feel like Rogerio deserves another shot at Shogun. That fight was remarkably close. Rogerio just gave up too many takedowns. On the other hand, Shogun has looked like absolute dog feces lately, and Rogerio isn't the most exciting fighter in the world, although it depends on the matchup. You know what? Scratch this. Bad idea. It's like giving Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer their own show.

Sakurai Beats the Pants Off Aoki, and Other Ideas

Marcus Walker — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:35:49 -0400

I'm going to cut right to the chase and just dive into it. Without further ado...

—The Detroit Lions have the No. 1 overall pick in this year's draft. Look at the last 10 No. 1 picks: Jake Long, JaMarcus Russell, Mario Williams, Alex Smith, Eli Manning, Carson Palmer, David Carr, Michael Vick, Tim Couch, and Courtney Brown. Thats' a 30 percent success rate, or 40, if you count Michael Vick and his Fantasy Dogfighting Camp. Any time your No. 1 overall pick ends up in the federal pen for electrocuting puppies, I think it's safe to call that a bad pick. The other seven are either holding clipboards, overthrowing guys by 10 yards, or waiting tables at Denny's. And I guess my point would be that you have the worst franchise in professional sports drafting in a spot where the only sure thing is that there are no sure things. This is going to be an unmitigated disaster. I wish it weren't true, but it's just been beaten into me over the years.

—Even though Cole Aldrich will be probably staying at Kansas, I'd like to christen the Jayhawks' center as the next Great White Stiff in the NBA. Even his name is perfect. In 10 years, he'll be a shoo-in for that particular Hall of Fame, alongside Greg Ostertag, Jim McIllvane, Jon Koncak, Robert Swift, and Marty Conlon. Let the foul trouble and missed layups begin! And for good measure, give me a few whiffs on high fives.

—Hayato "Mach" Sakurai showed great determination when he pummeled the man who previously took a controversial decision over him, Shinya "The Pants" Aoki, in 27 seconds. What a statement. When Sakurai is angry and motivated, there are few lightweights on this planet who can handle him standing. When he doesn't care, he gets tapped by David Baron in the first round. And that's not a knock on Baron; he's tough as nails. But come on.

—Shout out to the Michigan State Spartans: You hung tough when everybody doubted you and delivered a memorable tourney run. Plus, almost everybody is coming back next year. I'm not a college basketball fan, but this year, I was close. I'm not even going to lie.

—Here are my up-and-comers for each UFC weight class in 2009: At heavyweight, I expect huge (literally) things from Shane Carwin and Cain Velasquez, who happen to be on a collision course. But I like Dutchman Antoni Hardonk to decision Cheick Kongo and throw his name into the heavyweight title picture, which has suddenly become more depressing than the last 20 minutes of Requiem For A Dream. And if you think that's my choice because I'm a Hardonk fan...then shut up and leave me alone.

At light heavyweight, I love 21-year-old phenom Jon "Bones" Jones. His fight with Stephan Bonnar was so lopsided, he made Bonnar look like he was on the receiving end of a Three Stooges routine. I kept waiting for him to hit Bonnar in the face with a pie. What's scary is, he doesn't even know anything yet. It's a situation where it's just THERE for him; when he sharpens his footwork and boxing, remove the ceiling for this guy. He is where MMA is going.

I don't see any clear "up-and-comers" at 185, but there are definitely some guys who have looked good lately. I predict that Yoshihiro Akiyama will be a slightly overrated signing, because he hasn't consistently fought top-tier competition throughout his career. If they really wanted to shake things up, they'd sign Melvin Manhoef or Robbie Lawler.

It's not like they don't have the money. Nathan Marquardt has looked fantastic lately; look for him to rematch Anderson at some point. And I'm definitely interested to see how Cote bounces back from his knee flying out of his body.

There are alot of guys I like at 170. I'm a big Dong Hyun Kim fan. Martin Kampmann has looked better than I expected at welterweight. But when you're talking about guys who are potential future title contenders, look no further than Mr. Anthony Johnson. His explosive, herky-jerky style has given guys fits; he's a HUGE 170; his gas tank has looked better each time out; and it probably helps that he's completely insane. Look for Matty Brown to be a good test for him, though.

155 is an embarrassment of riches. It really is. For some reason, I like (hold on, this is a doozy) Justin Buchholz. I'm not even going to tell you why. Just look for him to beat Terry Etim, whose deal with the devil will finally expire. In all seriousness, Etim deserves respect; he's got a great kickboxing game and uses his ridiculous reach to his advantage. I just can't get over that frame. Please don't hurt me, Terry. I'm on your side.

—Please let the Pistons draw Orlando in the first round; please let the Pistons draw Orlando in the first round. Please let ...

—Speaking of basketball, Kobe and LeBron may be the NBA's best all-around players, but you have to admit, there's nothing quite like Dwyane Wade on a fast break. His dime the other night against the Wizards nearly brought a tear to my eye. What a thing of beauty.

—You know a fight I want to see? Baroni-Minowa III. Like you wouldn't watch that trainwreck.

—My take on the whole Junie Browning thing: Nah. He doesn't have it. Not yet, anyway. I like his spunk, though. Don't count him out. And man! What a fun drunk.

Darth Fedor Must Destroy the Phallic Sword

Marcus Walker — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 15:04:18 -0400

All I have to say is, WHEW! It's good to be back. It's been awhile, and it's all on me; basically, I ran out of ideas. Now you're about to discover if I have any decent ones (ideas) left. In Jordans' life, this would be the point where he came back and dropped 55 on the Knicks, only on a much, much, MUCH (repeat "much" 7 million times) smaller scale. A few thoughts...

- After his armbar victory over MMA journeyman Ross Clifton, Ken Shamrock tested positive for three (count 'em!) banned substances and earned himself a one year suspension. Was there a single person who thought to themselves, "Wow! Not Ken Shamrock! I guess you never know about some people?" I think it's safe to say there weren't. It's only March, but this is already the front-runner for the "Least Surprising MMA Story of 2009". Ken's about two years away from turning into Randy "The Ram" Robinson.

- Regarding Lyoto vs. Rashad: I don't think people are making nearly enough noise about this fight. You have two undefeated fighters with contrasting yet equally effective styles entering their primes. Neither has really been in trouble in his UFC career, and it certainly isn't because they haven't been tested. I just feel a "Pedro-Randy I" vibe with this one, and I think it'll be remembered as such. Not to mention that this is one of those fights that could potentially suck...if it was a three rounder. And it's not. So let the chess match begin.

- Why is it that those dudes chirping about how "So-and-so should drop to 205! What's-his-nuts would be unstoppable at 170!" are precisely the same guys who make excuses for them when they come out and look like crap? You know the ones: "He just had a really rough cut, he looked gaunt and drawn out, because it was his first time. Next fight, he'll destroy." Um, what? Just because you have a power or strength disadvantage at your natural weight class does not mean you would be a guaranteed monster at the class directly beneath you. A lot of times, it has the opposite effect; this is why Mike Swick and Brandon Vera will never be champions. Sure, they're capable of a few lackluster victories over decent fighters, but they kill themselves cutting the weight, and when that moment presents itself during a fight where they would normally pounce, instead they're thinking about not getting taken down again or the fact that their arms are too tired to knock anybody out. Does the welterweight version of Mike Swick knock out Gideon Ray in 20 seconds? I say no. And I don't think I'm alone.

- Which brings me to my next point. What the hell is up with the "there should be two heavyweight classes" argument? Has everything that's happened in the history of MMA been an elaborate hallucination? People see Brock Lesnar look capable of actually eating Randy Couture, and they jump to a worse conclusion than Ben Affleck at the end of Chasing Amy. Fans make it seem like it's outright unfair that Couture should have to give up 50-60 pounds to fight Brock. He has four career fights! Lets slow down, folks.

And how could "Big" John McCarthy, the one guy who has probably seen more "Davids" beat "Goliaths" first-hand than anyone in MMA history, make the moronic argument that "well, I wouldn't want a featherweight to fight a light heavyweight. The weight difference is the same." You reffed Royce-Severn, for Gods sake! If you weigh 220 pounds, and you're solid, you have the potential to KO anybody, even if you're giving up a ton of weight. We have, like, 15 years of evidence to back this up. Think Cro Cop circa 2004-2006.

At heavyweight, anybody can get knocked out. And because of this argument, certain guys *cough cough* Nogueira *cough cough* (sorry, I had to) are putting on unnecessary weight and in turn are looking slower and more bloated than Bruce Bruce after a night in the champagne room at the Foxy Lady. Antonio, put the cookie down! It isn't helping! Fedor needs to come to the UFC and deal with this guy. All these new fans need the rude awakening of watching a pudgy 230 pound Russian easily disarm a 280-pound poster boy for whats' wrong with America. And he can. And he will.

- Speaking of Nogueira, the fight with Couture is happening about two years too late. Poor Nog sees about as well as Dick Cheney after three Jack-and-Cokes, and Randy is rusty after his year long cry-a-thon for more money. I'm not going to call either of them "done"...but it's close.

- A summary of yesterdays' Pistons-Heat debacle: Yeah, Wade stepped out of bounds on the last play, and yeah, Michael Curry didn't do us any favors by flipping out like Michael Moore every time he tells Wolf Blitzer how to do his job.

But the real reason we lost that game is because Rodney Stuckey doesn't see a wide open Tayshaun cutting to the basket and instead tries to go tit-for-tat with Wade by forcing a horrible jumper that Wade easily blocked. And whats' sad is that it was probably the play they drew up.

- Is it just me, or do B.J. Penn's jawline and head expand about a sixth of an inch every year? When he came into the game, he looked like a 15 year old Hawaiian kid. Now, he looks like a cross between Mr. Potato Head, a Cabbage Patch Kid, and Yoda. And he's one of MMA most adamant protestors of steroid use. Hmmm ....

(I can't believe I just wrote that, but I don't think anyones "alleged" steroid use would surprise me anymore. Royce desensitized me. Dakota Fanning could have been caught selling nandrolone out of her house and I would have been less surprised. Was my entire life a lie to that point? Was Jackie Robinson a covert member of the KKK? Did Martin Luther King rob and mug old ladies for sport? Is Tim Hardaway gay? Anything is possible when Royce Freaking Gracie tests positive for steroids. My god.)

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Lyoto Machida

Marcus Walker — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 09:42:24 -0500

Lyoto Machida is boring.

We, as MMA fans, have heard it before. It's right up there with "Tito has a big head", "Rich Franklin looks like Jim Carrey," and "Dan Miragliotta had money on Kimbo". If you've been to a UFC pay-per-view party where Lyoto was fighting, chances are good that he was compared to at least one orifice.

I can find only one problem with this sentiment. It isn't true.

Now, I'm not saying that he hasn't had boring fights, but it's all about the match-up. The low point undoubtedly came in 2006, when he tussled with Vernon White's dead body in the dead-as-Dillinger WFA.

Remember the line in 8MM when Jaoquin Phoenix warns Nic Cage, "You're gonna see some things...things you can't unsee?" Well, thats' this fight. It's agonizing. The only way any rational human being would find it entertaining is if they fast forwarded it and put on some Benny Hill music. You get the idea.

As soon as "The Dragon" made it to the UFC, though, he started dropping guys like the '97 Marlins. And whats crazy is that he drops everyone in the exact same way.

First, he backpedals and moves around with a relaxed stance and an admittedly dumb look on his face. Second, his opponent thinks to himself, "What I wouldn't give to erase that look off of his face. I think I'll lunge in with an ill-advised strike that I will immediately regret."

And third, to quote John Madden, BOOM! Theres' the short left cross. If Machida were in the movie "BASEketball" he would lead the league in Psyche Outs. He gets guys to overthink a style that is disarmingly simple. I find it fascinating.

He also has a habit of embarrassing guys to the degree that they're ousted from the UFC. He punched, kicked, flurried on, dropped, and basically did everything but actually have sex with Sam Hoger. "Bye Bye UFC," said Sammy.

He kicked the crap out of a worthless David Heath, in a boring yet dominant performance that I'm not even going to attempt to defend. He mounted and nearly choked out the always-game Kazuhiro Nakamura.

He exposed PRIDE transplant Sokoudjou with the short left cross, a slick ground reversal, and a textbook arm triangle choke. He made Tito Ortiz look like a has been (wait, Tito hasn't added anything to his game in at least eight years. Scratch that comment). Tito couldn't have hit Lyoto if he was allowed to use a loaded gun and a 2 x 4. By the way, Tito isn't in the UFC anymore, either.

I'm not saying you should like Lyoto. But to deny his right to fight on main cards, and eventually for the title, is essentially saying that you don't want to watch the best 205 pound fighter in the world work his magic.

Heres' why I like him: he's straight out of the '90s. He still comes out in a gi. He still trumpets the samurai lifestyle. His haircut is right out of the Pedro Rizzo Collection. He doesn't have any tattoos. He advertises for Lugz (Thats right, Lugz! What was Plan B, FUBU?). Your future light heavyweight champion, folks! I guess I'm just nostalgic.

Lyoto Machida is not boring.

Steve Cantwell Represents Everything That Is Wrong With America

Marcus Walker — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:20:56 -0500

I, Marcus Walker, am a number of things right now—drunk, irritated, disgusted, and adamantely against anything that casts UFC newcomer Steve "The Robot" Cantwell in a positive light.

It all started when he defeated 6'6 WEC fighter Justin McElfresh by TKO in 47 seconds.

First of all, the guy, if you can call him that, reacted like he had just knocked out Muhammad Ali in his prime, sporting an "I can KO anybody" scowl, even though he had just knocked out a guy who probably shouldn't have been fighting in the WEC in the first place.

Somewhere, Gary Goodridge nodded in approval. Oh wait, he's Canadian. Never mind.

For his next display of ridiculous over-confidence, he brutally arm-barred some guy named Razak al-Hassan in his UFC debut, on a card aptly named "UFC Fight for the Troops."

I'm not saying this al-Hassan guy got screwed—this fight was over before it began. The only reason my previous statement is true is because that entire card was designated to make our United States military look good.

Again, the guy reacted like he had just savagely knocked out UFC champ Forrest Griffin, even saying to Joe Rogan in his post-fight interview, "I've been waiting so long to do that," as if it was somehow pre-ordained.

Yeah, Steve, you have every reason in the world to celebrate after you armbarred a guy who nobody—repeat, NOBODY—had ever heard of. Keep it up, man—maybe someday you'll have the honor of losing in one-sided fashion to Jon Jones. You make me sick to my stomach.

The reason I believe this UFC "Fight For The Troops" card was such a debacle is because I have friends who served in Vietnam and Korea who are currently living on the streets of Portland because they did not recieve the treatment that they needed at the time they returned from overseas.

I get sick of hearing about post-traumatic stress disorder from guys and gals who came back from Iraq and Afghanistan, knowing that there are a ton of other American warriors who could have recieved the same treatment if America were not the over-the-top, xenophobic, robotic culture that we see before us today.

Do you guys at the UFC not see how pathetic tonight's card was? Obviously not. Why? Because you allowed an absolute clown like Steve Cantwell to fight on your card.

So, hey, Steve, keep celebrating and congratulating yourself like the 2002 Sacramento Kings. I can't wait to see you laid out like Ihtzak Perlman's tuxedo. And believe me, it's going to happen sooner than you think.

I'm wasted. But Steve Cantwell is everything that is wrong with this country, and no one can tell me differentely. Not even if I was sober. How's that for honesty?

Characters, Quirks, and 25 Pound Ring Girls: 34 Reasons I Miss PRIDE (Part III)

Marcus Walker — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:04:48 -0500

Wondering about the Frye photo? BR wouldn't let me upload the PRIDE logo for some reason. So you're getting Don Frye. Thats' as far as the story goes.

Quick tangent about UFC 91: jiu jitsu is back, baby! I never believed the theory that submissions will become obsolete; they will obviously just become crazier and more intricate.

Fabulous job by Dustin “McLovin” Hazelett, Rafael dos Anjos, and Demian Maia. Your submissions are awesome and it was a pleasure watching you guys on Saturday. Had to mention that.

Part three!

18) Mark Coleman screaming at Randleman and Kerr

This list wouldn’t be complete without another appearance from the immortal Mark Coleman. When Coleman was cornering his guys, he simply never shut up, nor did he even consider switching to decaf.

Since the Japanese crowd was often quieter than Calvin Coolidge, you could hear the Hammer PLEADING with his guys, especially Randleman.

“C’MON KEV! DAMMIT! Beat ‘em to the punch! EVERY TIME!!!”

“Get up, Baroni! BE AGGRESSIVE! DAMMIT!!”

And my favorite:

“GOTTA DO SOMETHIN’, KERR!!!!!!”

(The next time you get coffee, scream this at the half witted barista who takes five minutes to make change of a five-dollar bill. It will make your day.)

19) Igor Vovchanchyn

A classic “man, where did he go?” guy, this pudgy heavy hitter from the Ukraine was arguably (actually, not really) PRIDE’s first feared striker.

His knockout of Francisco Bueno remains of the ten greatest KO’s I have ever seen, as well as one of my all-time favorites. Wherever you are, I miss ya, Igor. It’s just a shame he never got to fight Wanderlei.

20) The Sakuraba/Gracie feud

More for the history than anything else. The Royler vs. Saku mismatch at PRIDE 8 essentially put PRIDE on the map, and it was also the first time Saku made the “wait, you hairy little Brazilians REALLY think you can beat me?” face.

Saku went on to defeat Royce in a memorable 90-minute bout, and wins over Renzo and the late Ryan solidified Sakuraba’s reputation as PRIDE’s golden boy.

21) Bushido

But you guys already knew that.

22) Fedor vs. Fujita

In the words of the always-quotable Quinton Jackson, “what a fight!” When Iron Head winged a bomb with “Hand of God” written all over it, not only did it send Fedor stumbling like the late Anna Nicole Smith, it also set the unofficial world record for “Most Japanese People Defecating On Themselves At The Exact Same Time.”

And if that isn’t enough for you, just remember the moment when a bleeding-but-victorious Emelianenko raised his arm as Rampage remarked, “that is a champion, right there.”

If that didn’t give you goosebumps, maybe you should follow another sport.

23) The 10-minute round

Fujita vs. Thompson. Aleks vs. Sergei. Fedor vs. Hunt. Cro Cop vs. Wand II. Gomi vs. Kawajiri.

The list goes on and on.

All of these were rewatchable and remarkable wars, and all were won in the second half of the first round. This is not a coincidence.

To put a quarter in the “cliché jukebox,” the 10-minute round is truly what separated the men from the boys.

Some of the most telling faces PRIDE fighters made were the ones right after the PA announcer would say “three minutes left.” It was the “Crap, THREE more minutes? Really? I’ve already been sucking wind for a minute and a half” Face.

In case you were wondering, Alistair Overeem was the champion of this face, although he usually made it about four minutes in.

24) The American DVD extras

The pre-fight interviews were always at least decent, and they definitely didn’t involve fighters reading from cue cards.

But the immortal Bas Rutten was always doing something interesting, like on the PRIDE 29 DVD when he gave us a tour of Yokohama Arena that was unscripted and off-the-cuff.

Or on the Final Conflict 2003 DVD, when they showed a bunch of fighters (including some who lost the previous night) just sitting around and talking about the PRIDE game and how they are all friends, complete with footage of Rampage and Coleman getting their butts handed to them by some random girl.

I love that stuff. Give me that over footage of Forrest Griffin hitting pads. We know what it looks like when guys hit pads. I really need to enter electroshock therapy for this UFC thing, huh?

25) Ken Kaneko

Imagine someone like Brian Austin Green announcing that he will fight in the UFC, on New Years Eve, against Charles “Krazy Horse” Bennett. Then, imagine if this somehow happened. Bizarro World, you say? Not in Japan.

26) Bringing certain guys back even if they kept losing

What a novel concept. In the UFC, it’s often,”two losses in a row, and you’re done”. PRIDE built solid careers for guys like Daijiro Matsui and James Thompson simply because they always came to fight and they were charismatic performers.

PRIDE truly understood the concept of a “gatekeeper.” Gary Goodridge, anyone?

Characters, Quirks, and 25 Pound Ring Girls: 34 Reasons I Miss PRIDE (Part Two)

Marcus Walker — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 10:49:42 -0500

Before we begin part two, allow me to apologize for not posting it this weekend as advertised. My computer and I didn’t get along so well this weekend, as the conflict culminated in me threatening to throw it off of a 10th-floor terrace. Nevertheless. I give you part two.

10) The opening

Nothing got me in the mood for fighting quite like a live orchestra playing an epic, catchy theme as pyrotechnics and special effects were flaunted. Certainly a far cry from “THIS IS THE ULTIMATE!!!”

(Damn, that’s two unprovoked shots at the UFC. This is harder than I thought.)

11) Quadros & Bas

These two are easily my favorite MMA announcers of all time, with Frank Mir coming in a distant third. The fact that they were teamed up, in my opinion, made them the best as well.

The Fight Professor had an uncanny knack for calling the action in laymen’s terms, while El Guapo’s analysis was always on point. More importantly, these guys LIKED each other. You could tell. It was always more fun with these two around. Question for anyone reading: why exactly was Quadros fired?

12) Quadros bickering with Eddie Bravo

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, these guys couldn’t stand each other. Revisit PRIDE 10 and 11 sometime; you can cut the tension with a knife. I remember when it reached a tipping point during the Vovchanchyn-Inoue fight, as Quadros openly started arguing an indefensible position just for the hell of it, leading to this exchange (the exact words I can’t remember, so please correct me if need be):

Eddie: Enson is taking a beating.

Quadros: Not a lot of those punches are landing flush.

Eddie: *clearly perturbed* Actually, Steve, he’s landed flush about 50 times.

Quadros: *coldly, considering strangling him with his headset cord* We’ll see.

Me: Wow, somebody is sleeping on the sofa tonight.

You just know Stephen called the producers afterward and vented.

“Look, you guys have GOT to make a change. I am DYING out there. Throw me a freaking bone!!”

13) The checks

These monstrosities were the Stanley Cups of fighter payouts. They looked like they weighed 15-20 pounds, which doesn’t sound like a lot until you remember that guys were often holding them up after 20 grueling minutes of combat.

14) The refs

“Alex, give up? Give up? Give up? Give up? Give up?” Imagine these guys as paramedics:

Man: *overdosing on drugs, drifting in and out of consciousness* Errrrrllllaaaaaqwoouuggghhh.

Yuji Shimada: *standing over him and pointing* Give up? Give up? Give up? Give up? Give up?

15) Zuluzinho vs. Eric “Butterbean” Esch

“The Godfather” of freak show fights. This will never be topped. Repeat: this will NEVER be topped. It was like watching King Kong fight the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man.When PRIDE did their first show in the States, the Nevada Athletic Commission wouldn’t even approve Kazuyuki Fujita vs. Wes Sims. In Japan, Zulu vs. The Bean was green-lighted faster than you can say “cholesterol intake”.

16) Fedor’s run

Although I can’t wait for his next inevitable historical run of beatdowns in whatever promotion he ends up with, he didn’t do too bad in PRIDE. He beat Zulu, Ogawa, Goodridge, Kohsaka, Randleman, Schilt, Herring, Fujita, Hunt, Cro Cop, Coleman twice, and Nogueira twice. It was a fun ride.

17) The tournaments

The Grand Prix in 2000 was groundbreaking at the time. 2003 through 2006 produced great tourneys each year. Can you imagine a UFC tourney? My goodness. Unfortunately, Frank Shamrock and Dana White will get an apartment together before the NSAC or CSAC approves a tournament.

Part three later this week. Yes, we can!

Random Thoughts While Trying Not to Look at John McCain in HD

Marcus Walker — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:27:36 -0400

A few random thoughts while trying to avoid looking at John McCain in HD...

-- Is it just me, or is Caol Uno the ugliest woman in MMA?

-- If Marcus Camby and Kenyon Martin ran head-on into each other, would they both just explode?

-- It's almost been four months now, but I still miss George Carlin. He had a profound impact on my life and sense of humor. I loved that guy.

-- I loved watching "Pineapple Express" where, in the very opening scene, there's James Remar with an eye patch! That's right, a James Remar sighting! A classic "That Guy." He was awesome in "48 Hours" and "The Warriors." I love random movie moments like that. Anyway, funny movie. Although it's probably overrated because the current crop of "comedies" has been so atrocious.

-- Wait a second...Jacoby Ellsbury is WHITE?

-- I can't take Mike Swick seriously. I just can't. He's like the Kyle Orton of the UFC—no arm strength, favorable matchups, very little talent...yet, somehow, he keeps winning. The UFC's recent announcement that he'll be taking on Jonathan Goulet only makes my case stronger (wow! Swick vs. Goulet! The fans have been asking for this one for years!). That killed me. The Swick-Marcus Davis fight was the most befuddling 15 minutes I've spent as an MMA fan.

-- Does Christiane "Cyborg" Santos look exactly like Fernando Vargas or am I crazy?

-- 31-84. No, those aren't the Lions rushing stats for last Sanday. That was their record over the Matt Millen Era. This was like the Massacre at Wounded Knee, only if it happened every day for seven years. In '02, he drafted John Joseph Harrington third overall. He took Andre Goodman in the third round. In '03, he outdid himself by picking Charles Rogers second overall. He signed Lamont Warren for more than $12 an hour. He plucked Mike Williams 10th overall in '05. He gave $16.5 million to Az Hakim. The Lions went 8-50 on the road during his tenure. I could go on all day. Other than that, he was a great GM.

-- Just had to give kudos to Gus Johnson for his orgasmic call on the Petruzelli-Kimbo fight. "It's about to get serious. Oh! Slice in trouble! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY IS HERE!!! SETH PETRUZELLI!!!!!" He just kept going. His head almost exploded. He also left absolutely no room for Mauro "Raising the Bar For Hyperbole" Ranallo to say a freaking thing. He was basically stating, "Listen good, Rick Moranis, I GOT this call, and I swear if you say anything—repeat, ANYTHING—to steal this moment away from me and MMA fans, I WILL TAKE YOUR THESAURUS AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT!!!"

-- Has there ever been a worse in-ring announcer than Bruce Buffer? Every UFC, I miss the PRIDE guys even more. Nobody did it better. "Sakurabaaaaaa KAZUUUUUUUUUUSHI!!!!!!"

-- And lastly, lets hope and pray that the upcoming UFC video game will be everything we could have wanted and then some. Keep your fingers crossed.