Bleacher Report - Articles by Patterson

Damn You Pete Carroll

Patterson — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 02:52:35 -0400

I can’t take it anymore. USC wins one game over an overrated opponent and the media has climbed so far up their butts that even I can’t see straight. Stop the Madness!

They beat Ohio State, not the New England Patriots. You remember Ohio State, the team LSU trashed in the national championship game? The team that could only put up 82 yards of offense against Florida in the previous BCS title game? The freakin team that hasn’t beat an SEC opponent in nine straight tries?

But you in the media say, But they throttled Virginia! To which I say, Are you serious?! Connecticut put up 45 points on Virginia, so maybe we should book them a flight to Miami. The Huskies racked up 506 yards of total offense on the hapless Cavaliers. To make sure no one misses my point; Virginia sucks.

So I ask the media, get off your knees, zip Carroll’s pants back up, and go back to your keyboards. Let the season finish before you declare this team the greatest since the '85 bears.

Beanie Bagged: Chris Wells Doubtful for USC Game

Patterson — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:13:36 -0400

Grab a chicken and head down to the Shoe; it’s time for a sacrifice, OSU fan. The football gods are angry and need to be pacified soon, or else Beanie’s not going to play.

Sure it’s possible you could win without him, I mean anything is possible, right? Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts, if anything should have been impossible, that was it right there.

So don’t cry too much, OSU fan, it’s possible you could still win the game, it’s just so unlikely it’s laughable.

Of course this could all be a ruse by coach Tressel. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s tricked the nation. The last two years he conned us into believing his Buckeyes belonged in the BCS championship game, and we believed him.

Rutgers Football Proves It Was Just a Fad

Patterson — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:56:36 -0400

They swept us away in 2006 with wins over average opponents and a rocket climb up the polls; but now the love affair is over.

It’s always a tough morning when you wake up and discover the supermodel you brought home from the night before is closer in size and looks to Roseanne Barr than the Jessica Alba look alike you remember. So it is tonight that the college football world arises from its slumber and realizes that the sexy new “it” team is still only Rutgers.

Greg Schiano should have jumped ship when he had the chance. After tonight’s shellacking by North Carolina, the coach’s stock is going to be way down.

The question of course is “Where does Rutgers go from here?”

The answer: “Who cares?”