Bleacher Report - Articles by Bryan Healey

New England Patriots: Still Alive—Commentary

Bryan Healey — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 03:27:35 -0400

First and foremost, don't ask about the picture; I just thought it looked odd and might raise some eyebrows.

Also, before I can say anything else, I have to remark: the Phillies won the World Series? Really? Like, seriously? Man...Disney must be pissed.

So, anyway, now that we got all that out of the way, on to more important things. The purpose of this column is to offer my personal commentary on, well, other peoples comments.

For most of my time writing for Bleacher Report, I would publish a column pertaining to a unique topic on each Monday and Thursday. Unfortunately, I found that coming up with a new subject twice a week took way too much mental effort.

So, for a few weeks anyway, I want to try a little experiment. I will write a regular Monday column, as usual, only then I will take the most entertaining comment from it and lambast, ridicule and just generally try to think of clever things to say about it in my Thursday column.

I have no idea how well this is going to go. It could turn out to be terrible (especially if I can't think of anything witty to say). At the very least, though, it will give me a chance to be silly once every seven days, and I'm definitely a fan of the silliness.

So, here we go...

On Monday, my column entitled New England Patriots: Still Alive">New England Patriots: Still Alive was commented on 17 times. The most entertaining of the bunch was by George:

"You are stepping out and saying they are in the play offs ? That real BIG of you. You say your a numbers man all well and fine. I myself am a realist as well as a major Patriot Fan I have followed them since 1960.
Had Season Tickets since 1964, Froze my Butt at many outdoor winter games watched the Snow Plow come out against Miami to clear a spot to kick the winning field goal. Froze it again in the play offs and the infamous "TUCK RULE" game. just to mention a few.
So take it from some one who eats,sleeps and walk with the Pats. 2008 finishes as follows AFC East Champs -N.E.Pats., AFC Champs- NE Patriots and 2008 Super bowl Champs- NE Patriots . With MVP going to Kevin Faulk. Wes Welker or Matt Cassel. Thats the way it goes."

I think it might be best to break this down into pieces. It's much easier for me that way. We'll start with the first two sentences:

"You are stepping out and saying they are in the play offs ? That real BIG of you."

So, that's how it's gonna be, huh?

I can usually take a little ribbing, but are you calling me fat? There is nothing in this world that brings on my ire more than a comment about the size of my butt, and that includes the holocaust.

"You say your a numbers man all well and fine."

I don't remember saying that. I'm more of a letters man, really. Numbers are kind of boring. The only thing you can do with numbers is put them together to make more numbers. Letters can make words and sentences and stuff. Much more exciting.

"I myself am a realist as well as a major Patriot Fan I have followed them since 1960.
Had Season Tickets since 1964, Froze my Butt at many outdoor winter games watched the Snow Plow come out against Miami to clear a spot to kick the winning field goal. Froze it again in the play offs and the infamous "TUCK RULE" game. just to mention a few."

The most important thing to take away from this sentence, though, is that you're old! My father was nine in 1964! My mother was five! You had season tickets when my parents were playing in the sand! That's just inconceivable. How do you even know how to use a computer?

That being said, I must say that I, too, have watched most of the important games from the 1960's and beyond. The only difference is, I did it from the comfort of my living room in full 1080i HD. I may be "stepping out" here, but I think I saw the "tuck" play in a little better clarity than you did shivering from the stands.

"So take it from some one who eats,sleeps and walk with the Pats."

Okay, now I take back every comment I wrote above that could be construed as possible "not nice." I want to be your best friend from now on! I would love to eat and walk with the Patriots! I've heard the buffet spread in the locker room is to die for.

I'm not so sure about the sleeping, though. I think my wife might object to that. I'll just leave that one to you if you don't mind.

"2008 finishes as follows AFC East Champs -N.E.Pats., AFC Champs- NE Patriots and 2008 Super bowl Champs- NE Patriots . With MVP going to Kevin Faulk. Wes Welker or Matt Cassel. Thats the way it goes."

See, here is where I get confused. For a while it seemed like you were mad at me. You even called me fat, for crying out loud! And then you go ahead and agree with me; very baffling.

You see, I also think the Pats are headed for good times come January. They have effectively proven that they can compete even with some of their best talent is riding the plastic (benches aren't made of wood anymore, it's time for that cliche to die). I'm not 100% convinced the Lombardi is in the cards, but a decent playoff run is almost assured.

So, please, George, let's put all this nonsense aside and get on the same page. I may have had some silly fun at your expense, but that's just what happens when you make fun of my weight. And when it comes right down to it, we're both the same, you and me; we both love the Pats, we both want to see them do well, and we both think we'll get our wish.

So, instead of squabbling, it's time to show our mutual love for the Pats, and grab the chili and nachos so we can cheer them on to victory against the Colts come Sunday night! Let's not forget that the Pats started out 3-4 in 2001 and went on the win the Super Bowl. They're in a better position now. Don't count this team out!

(If you wish to have a comment ridiculed in my next Thursday column, all you have to do is create an entertaining comment on my forthcoming Monday column and maybe I'll pick it. Good luck!)

New England Patriots: Still Alive

Bryan Healey — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:48:31 -0400

I am still waiting for the collapse. When Brady went down, everyone assumed the Patriots' 2008 season was a lost cause. Then they lost Maroney, and the pessimism got even worse. Harrison certainly didn't help matters, either.

With all that talent gone, the Pats were talked about as though they were winless and headed to a first-round draft pick.

I'll even admit that I was worried for a while. I figured they were headed for disaster. I mean, how do you replace a man as beautiful and talented as Tom Brady?

Brad Pitt could maybe handle the job, but he doesn't play football. He'd just end up running around screaming, "Cut! Cut!" trying not to get killed. You can't have that on a winning football team.

I'm starting to feel more confident, though.

I had forgotten that the Patriots used to win games by tight margins all the time and no one thought anything of it. The 2007 season definitely spoiled us.

For example, in 2004, the last year the Patriots won the Super Bowl, the Pats' average margin of victory was 13 points. By comparison, the 2008 average margin of victory is exactly the same—13 points.

Now, I'll admit that it's much easier to pad that stat with one good game, but I don't care. I like symmetry, such as the average points scored total from 2004, which was 23. That is only one point more than the current average.

I decided to see how this season’s team is stacking up against other good years. Let's take a look together:

In the 2004 season, the average margin of victory was 10 points, which is three less than the current 2008 team. In 2001, it was only one better than this year with 14 points.
The average points scored in 2004 was also 22, the same as the current 2008 team, and in 2001 it was 23, only one more than this year.
The average points allowed in 2004 was 16 points, two points less than in 2008. In 2001 it was 17 points, only one point less.

Now, I can hear all the haters and their doubts. I will now address them directly:

"They have the easiest schedule in history! They're playing a high school team in Week 10!"

Whatever. They don't need to play every game against the 2007 Patriots to prove that they can win when needed.

"They've barely been winning against terrible teams."

Again, it's not who you're playing that's important, it's winning when it matters and responding well to adversity.

"They lost to the Dolphins!"

Okay, that sucked, and I really don't have a defense for that one. Oh well.

Anyway, I think the Patriots will do a lot better than people expect. Belichick is used to coaching under pressure, and this team has always found a way to win (except, of course, for the last Super Bowl, but we'll ignore that for now).

I am going to step out on a limb and say that the Pats will make the playoffs in 2008.

Bring it on, Favre!

EDIT: I am trying something new this week... I will be taking the most entertaining comment on this article, and using it for the basis of my Thursday article. I hope to do this each week. So be creative!

Wake Me in 2009

Bryan Healey — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 03:12:26 -0400

Wait... Hold on... Let me see if I have this straight...

The Red Sox, who won the 2004 ALCS after being down 3-0 against the Yankees, lost? The Red Sox, who won the 2007 ALCS after being down 3-1 against the Indians, didn't win? The Red Sox, who were down 3-1 before battling to a game seven in 2008, are going home?

Is the ALCS a best of nine now, or did I miss something?

No, I'm afraid we didn't miss anything. They actually lost. We weren't having a nightmare. Lowrie did actually ground out to second, and Tampa Bay did actually celebrate on the infield like it was 1999.

The Sox really did only manage to get three hits. Lester really did lose his second consecutive start for the first time in his career. The Red Sox really did leave the bases loaded in the eighth. It was all real. All of it.

Stop slapping yourself! You aren't dreaming, and it's leaving a nasty red mark on your cheek.

In truth, I have to admit that I wasn't entirely surprised. You just don't stand a chance when you go up against Disney writers. You may have been fooled into thinking the Sox had a chance after Game Five, but they didn't. The writers just didn't want the series to end too quickly. Makes for better drama if the series goes all seven.

So, here it comes: Rays vs. Phillies. Truly an epic showdown that I am sure will absolutely enthrall me as I watch the two-minute montages each morning on SportsCenter.

Before we move on, though, let's get some closure by seeing exactly how the Rays managed to win the 2008 ALCS:

- In Game One, the Red Sox jumped to a 1-0 lead in the series by outscoring the Rays by infinity percent. Daisuke Matsuzaka struck out 17 and only walked 41. Other than that, nothing really exciting happened.

- In Game Two, both pitching staffs proved that, together, they can be just as terrible as anyone else. They allowed a combined 24 hits and 17 runs, including an estimated 21 homers (mathematicians are still counting), including two from the scrappy elf who goes by the name Dustin Pedroia. When the dust cleared, the Rays were determined to be the winner.

- In Game Three, Jon Lester felt that the nine runs from the night before was just about right and decided to do it again. The problem was, Garza didn't share Lester's enthusiasm, and the Sox only managed a single run en route to a 2-1 Rays lead in series. B.J. Upton and Desperate Housewife combined for 17 home runs, which destroyed the record set by the other amazing dynamic duo of baseball history: Bert and Ernie.

- In Game Four, Tim Wakefield took the ball and promptly allowed five runs in 2.2 innings. Not to be outdone, Manny Delcarmen stuck his tongue out at Wake and proceeded to allow five runs in only 0.1 innings! It's that kind of internal competition that makes the Red Sox organization so great!

The Sox made a valiant attempt at a comeback in the bottom of the eighth by scoring two runs to pull within 20, but their efforts fell short and the Rays took a commanding 3-1 series lead going into Game Five.

- In Game Five, B.J. Upton and Housewife kept hitting home runs, sometimes even when it wasn't officially their turn to bat, and going into the bottom of the seventh inning, the Rays had a suffocating 7-0 lead. They were only seven outs away from a trip to the World Series, when the writers at Disney decided a win in five games wasn't good enough.

So, they pulled a few strings and arranged a remarkable comeback by the Red Sox, highlighted by a pair of home runs from J.D. Drew and David Ortiz and a few thousand heart attacks throughout Greater Boston.

- In Game Six, something awesome might have happened in the first inning but we'll never know thanks to the lovely people down at TBS. Evidently, one of the errand boys accidentally unplugged the only hair dryer, and none of the announcers could figure out how to get it to turn on again. Fortunately, the situation was fixed and the game came back on just in time to discover that the Rays had taken an early lead.

It didn't matter, though, because the Sox would take the lead back in the third and never look back. It was looking pretty grim for the Rays, and all of Red Sox Nation was feeling pretty smug.

- In Game Seven, something terrible happened and I'd really rather not talk about it. I mean, the game was yesterday, and if you can't be bothered to remember then I don't want to tell you anyway.

So there you have it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nap until 2009. Wake me if the movie gets released early for Oscar consideration, though. I'm curious to see if they cast Denzel Washington to play Joe Maddon.

Red Sox vs Rays

Bryan Healey — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 03:32:45 -0400

Well that was a whole lot easier than I thought it was going to be.

No offense, Angels fans, but I'm being serious. The Angels were the major league's best team in 2008. They had 100 wins, stellar pitching, a potent offense, a physics-defying closer, and one of the cutest infielders in history. They were shaping up to be the Perfect Storm of Postseason Baseball.

They ended up being a light rain shower. Sure, they made the sky a little gray and ruined my picnic, but in the end I still got to go to the movies.

Now, I'll give LA some credit. They did manage to finally win a game against the Red Sox in the postseason for the first time since roughly two years after the crust of the Earth cooled. Even that game, though, was a nail-biter to the very end. They barely squeaked by. They never showed the dominance and tenacity that I expected going into the series.

I'm not trying to rub this in any noses (okay, maybe a little), I'm just expressing my utter shock is all.

So now that the ALDS is over, I will prepare you all for the forthcoming ALCS battle between AL East rivals, the Boston Red Sox and the Tampa Bay Rays.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: This series makes me the most nervous. I heard through the grapevine that Disney has already completed the second draft of the movie version of the 2008 Rays team. They even have a title: "Denzel Does Something Amazing Once Again" (it's a work in progress). This does not bode well for the Sox.

Nonetheless, the teams will still bother going through the motions and playing the games anyway. You never know, maybe Disney will accidentally pay off the wrong umps. Stranger things have happened.

The first game of the 2008 ALCS will take place down in Tampa Bay, where the Rays organization have assured everyone that they will have a full crowd on hand. They haven't guaranteed that the crowd will consist entirely of people, but by george there will be something in every seat in the stadium.

This is good news for the Rays. This team spent 80% of the year playing in front of only their parents and wives. Even the local news were calling them "that team over there in that town" until well into July. Yet somehow this team still managed to find the competitive spirit to win consistently. You can only imagine what a stadium full of cheering humans, monkeys, and dogs will do to motivate them.

I can just imagine the scene when Evan Longoria smashes a deep home run to center, and as he's rounding the bases, the monkeys throw their feces at him! It will be just incredible! I'm sure he'll be crying.

By the way, has anyone pointed out how close his name is to that female Desperate Housewife? I just think someone needs to tell him that. Preferably while he's at the plate in a crucial situation in the ninth inning.

The good news for the Red Sox is they get to come back to Fenway and play three games next week. That means that all they really need to do is win one game down in Tampa this weekend. If they do that, then they will ensure that, no matter what happens, my best friend will be able to go to a game, as he got tickets to Game Five in a lottery last week.

Either way, it is very important for the Sox to win at home in this series. A lot. Both teams were very good at home this year, and both will be counting on that trend continuing.

In the regular season, the Red Sox had a .691 winning percentage at home. That looks really good until you see that Tampa Bay had a .704 winning percentage at home! Clearly, this is going to be a series where home field advantage plays an important role.

Before the ALDS, I broke down the Red Sox offense for my faithful readers. I should have done the Angels offense as well, but I'm lazy. This time, however, I am going to break down the expected pitching matchups for the first two games, and I will include both teams. That's just the kind of journalistic talents I have.

Granted, there won't be any real analysis and there will be some outright lies, but that's not really my problem. So, let's break it down:

Game One: Friday, October 10 @ 8:37 PM

BOS: Daisuke Matsuzaka (18-3, 2.90 ERA, 154 SO, 2 millions walks)

Pros: Seems like he can strike anyone out whenever he wants; Wins a lot even when it seems he shouldn't, such as when he loads the bases every inning he pitches; Can't speak English well, so can't be rattled by "Pitcher's got a big butt!" chants; Doesn't chew tobacco (I'm looking at you Franconca!).

Cons: Walks everyone at least once, just to make it more of a challenge (not good for the heart); Wiggles his butt every time he pitches from the wind-up; Takes a calendar year to throw the ball (could be part of his strategy, though); Has an unnatural obsession with Mountain Dew.

TBR: James Sheilds (14-8, 3.56 ERA, 160 SO)

Pros: Only being paid a million bucks this year; Has won a lot of tight games this year (check the battery in your pacemakers); Looks amazing in a bathing suit.

Cons: His salary of "only" a million bucks constitutes roughly 78% of the teams overall payroll; Is not left-handed; Has a 50/50 chance of killing Coco Crisp and forcing his team to forfeit.

Game Two: Saturday, October 11 @ 8:07 PM

BOS: Josh Beckett (12-10, 4.03 ERA, 172 SO)

Pros: Looks really mean when pitching; Can still throw really hard; In the past, has proven to be a consistent winner in the postseason; Will probably be the first in the pile when Sheilds breaks the skull of Coco Crisp; Owns a pair of Ray-Bans.

Cons: Chews tobacco (I blame Francona); When you get right down to it, is a raging hick; Has not pitched well this year; Did I mention he chews tobacco?

TBR: Scott Kazmir (12-8, 3.49 ERA, 166 SO)

Pros: Threw four no-hitters in a row in high school (thank you, Wikipedia!); Won 10 out of his last 13 starts this year; Is left-handed; Always tries really hard.

Cons: Got an 892% raise this past winter; Isn't right-handed; Has the lamest nickname in sports (Kazmanian Devil? Really?); Went to high school in Texas; Greatest desire is to someday win an Emmy.

So, there you have it! And who do I expect to win these games? As I've said before, I won't make a real prediction because I'm wildly biased, but I will say this: The Disney people are on stand-by. And they don't look happy. And they're kinda big. And I think they have weapons.

This should definitely be an exciting series! Be sure to wear your Kevlar.

All You Need Is Lester

Bryan Healey — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:34:31 -0400

Take a seat and chill, Josh; My man Lester got yo' back, foo'!

Okay, maybe that "street" talk wasn't appropriate coming from the fingers of the whitest Irish man in the northern hemisphere. I don't even think you can call it "street" if you put an apostrophe after "yo" and "foo" or if you put "street" in "quotations." It doesn't matter, though. What matters is: I'm really not worried, and neither should you be. No, really, I mean it.

I'm serious, relax!

I mean, let's face facts, Red Sox Nation: Beckett hasn't been the ace all year. I don't know why everyone assumed he was suddenly going to turn into Zeus and shoot lightening bolts from his arm just because they were in the playoffs, but it seems everyone did. I won't lie, I made the same mistake. I think now it's time everyone recognizes that mistake and come to embrace the man they call Lester.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. First, let's journey back:

Last night, the Red Sox had the chance to eliminate the 100-game winners from Anaheim in Game Three of the ALDS for the sixtieth consecutive series. On the hill for the Sox was, as mentioned before, Josh Beckett. He was squaring off against Joe Saunders, a man so well known that I actually had to look him up on Wikipedia.

In the hearts of Red Sox fans everywhere, this seemed like a no-brainer win for the Beantown Team. Everyone had the beer shaken and ready for explosion. We were all fully prepared to turn over cars and destroy public property, as is our local tradition. Unfortunately, this years edition of Josh Beckett didn't come standard with automatic clutch like last years did. We can only hope the manufacturer comes to their sense and re-installs this feature for 2009.

The game started poorly right out of the metaphorical gate for Beckett. After following a lead-off double with two strikeouts, it seemed as though he was going to come out of the inning unscathed. But with the lack of clutch, he then proceeded to allow a walk, an infield single and a walk. Suddenly, the Angels found themselves up 1-0 before the Sox even got a chance to finish stretching their hamstrings and finish off their Italian sausages with extra peppers and onions.

The Sox didn't seem worried, though. The grabbed their chunks of wood in the second inning and promptly provided 3 runs of support off the bat of Jacoby Ellsbury. With the bases loaded, he took a 3-2 pitch and sent a screaming line-drive into center field to clear the bases. Torii Hunter made a valiant attempt at catching Ellsbury's vicious smash, but he was just no match for that kind of power. That man has a family to think about, after all.

In 2007, a 3-1 lead would have been all Beckett would have needed. In 2008, however, a 3-1 lead only meant that Mike Napoli was about to hit a 2-run home run an astronomical unit in length in the very next frame to tie the game at 3-3, and again in the top of the fifth to give the Angels a 4-3 lead.

The Sox would pull even in the bottom of the fifth when Ellsbury and Youkilis would take turns hitting doubles, but that would be the last scoring of the game until the twelfth.

The bullpens for both teams did a solid job of keeping the game tight. Each of Boston's first four pitchers out of the bullpen would proceed to only allow a single hit apiece. The Angels bullpen saw this and said "Oh yeah? Well, watch this!" Then they sent out three pitchers who would didn't allow any hits at all. The Red Sox responded to this by sticking their tongues out and calling them "poopy heads."

Thankfully, this kind of behavior didn't escalate into "yo mama" jokes, or we could have seen things get very ugly. I think the umpiring crew did an excellent job corralling these hard-nosed ball players.

So, after six innings of scoreless baseball, it seemed as though this game was destined to go on forever. It was after midnight, for crying out loud, and some people actually have to work the next morning. Sometimes people can be so inconsiderate!

Fortunately, the Sox had Javier Lopez. Francona called down to the bullpen and told Lopez to go out there and send the series into Game Four. "The front office really wants another home game this October, and we think you're just the man for the job," was what he said. Lopez took that challenge and ran with it.

Coming into the game in the twelfth, Lopez promptly allowed two singles and a sacrifice, not in that order, to give the Angels a one-run lead. It wasn't exactly the sure-fire loss the organization was hoping for, but you work with what you're given.

The Red Sox made a thrilling attempt to dash the teams plans for an extra home game by coming back in the bottom half of the inning when David Ortiz stepped up to the plate and heroically walked. Unfortunately, the rally was cut short when the next three guys went down in order.

So, the Angels finally got that monkey off their backs (I refuse to make a rally monkey joke here) and actually won a post-season game against the Red Sox for the first time in a billion years. Congratulations, Anaheim, enjoy it. You deserve it.

Unfortunately for you, Lester is waiting to take the hill tonight.

And so we come back around to the original topic: There is no need for Red Sox fans to panic. I know that is basically Standard Operating Procedure following a Red Sox post-season loss, but I am confident that Lester has a Game Four masterpiece in that magical left arm of his.

My only real concern is for Beckett. I can only hope that he can find a way to regain some of that swagger that he seems to have misplaced from last season. The team is going to need some more impressive performances out of him down the stretch if the Sox can hope to become repeat World Champions.

Somebody needs to tell him to check under his couch for that swagger. I always find my stuff under there.

Nachos Required

Bryan Healey — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 02:16:13 -0400

The streak continues.

No! Not that streak. Put your pants back on. I'm talking about the Red Sox. Yesterday they extended their winning streak in the ALDS against the Angels to nine games. It looked grim until the sixth inning, but they pulled through.

The game started rather poorly, as I realized I only had a half a bag of chips left. Also, Lester quickly loading the bases in the bottom of the first. Not a fun way to start the game, especially when it's 10 PM and most grocery stores are closed. Thankfully, Lester induced Kendrick to ground into a fielder's choice to end the inning, and I remembered that there is a 24-hour Shaw's just a few blocks away.

I got nachos this time.

The game would stay knotted at zero until the third. That is when, with a runner on first and two outs, Jed Lowrie, a usually excellent shortstop, would boot a routine grounder up the middle causing Sox fans everywhere to leap from their chairs and permanently injure their lower spine.

There were nachos and salsa everywhere.

The Angels would not let such an opportunity go by without so much as a run. It would be embarrassing. So Hunter stepped to the plate and hit a 1-2 pitch sharply to left, driving in the first run of the game.

The score remained at 1-0 all the way to the sixth inning. That was when the game turned the corner and smacked its head on the door.

It started innocently enough. David Ortiz, showing remarkable patience, swung at the first pitch and sent a ten-mile-high pop-up to the shortstop. His swing looked as though he were trying to punch a hole in the moon with the ball. One out, no one on.

Then Youkilis drew a walk. Now, with one on and one out, down by a run, JD Drew, the man who Terry Francona said before the game saved the season for the Red Sox, stepped up to the plate. The scene was perfectly set for some serious post-season dramatics. All of Red Sox Nation were sitting on the very edge of their seats. Some (and I won't name names) even fell right off the front of their seat. I'm sure they were very embarrassed and don't want to talk about it.

Then Drew struck out.

It was very anti-climatic. Everyone came off the edge of their seats and sat back with a groan. Not because Drew struck out. That happens all the time. It was because it really hurt the back to sit on the edge of the seat like that. Thanks a lot, Lowrie.

But then Jason Bay, the late season replacement for Manny Ramirez, a controversial eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer, stepped to the plate. Red Sox Nation had just put a heaping handful of nachos into its mouth when Bay connected on an 0-1 pitch and sent the ball screaming into the left-center bleachers.

This sent all of Boston into a deafening "Manny Who?" chant that I'm sure could be heard all the way in Cleveland. Although it probably sounded more like "Wammy Two?" because we just couldn't chew any faster. I think they got the point, though.

Now the score was 2-1 in favor of the Red Sox, and that's pretty much all Lester needed. For seven innings and 3/4 of the bag of nachos, Lester didn't allow a single earned run and struck out seven. He then handed a one run lead over to the bullpen and departed to a standing ovation given by myself. Anaheim wasn't as accommodating, but I'm sure he could sense my appreciation.

The bullpen would not disappoint this night.

It would be a little interesting in the eighth, when Masterson would allow Guerrero to reach first and Hunter to follow with a bloop single over the head of Youkilis in shallow right. Thankfully, Guerrero had evidently put the wrong batting helmet on because it must have been six sizes too small.

As a result of the reduced blood flow to the brain, Guerrero tried to take third base on the bloop Hunter single and Youkilis threw him out by an astronomical unit. The Angels wouldn't get another hit in the inning.

In the ninth, Papelbon failed to throw a perfect inning (what a loser), but he did strike out the side, and it was more than good enough thanks to RBI singles by Jacoby Ellsbury and David Ortiz in the top of the ninth to provide a little insurance, courtesy of Aflak.

And most importantly, the nachos lasted the entire game. That's conservation at its finest.

So now the Red Sox have a day off to sit around drinking beer and reflect on what they had just done. The Angels were the favorites coming in to this series, and the Sox had just finishing losing about a billion games to them in the regular season. Yet somehow in the post-season, when it mattered most, the Red Sox proved that they could reach down deep, take a long restful breath, and send Lester to the hill to win the game for them. It was beautiful.

So while I went immediately to sleep so that I would be physically capable of waking up for work the next morning, I'm sure the Sox were already preparing for Game Two on Friday. Thankfully, Major League Baseball made that game start at 9:30 instead of 10, even though that game is on a weekend and it would have made a whole lot more sense to have Game One start at 9:30 instead of Game Two, but hey, what do we know. We're not schedulers. We're just regular people.

So now the Red Sox must win two more games and it's off to the ALCS. Although it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. I've definitely gotten in trouble for that before. Instead, I'm going to go get a couple more bags of nachos for Friday. They seem to have helped the Sox more than the chips did. Maybe I'll get some hummus, too. I sure do love hummus...

With beer, of course! I'm a man, after all! Haha!

Red Sox vs Angels

Bryan Healey — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 04:46:14 -0400

It is time, my people, to rise up, stand proud, turn on our television sets and sit right back down to enjoy some good ol' fashioned Boston playoff baseball! And maybe some beef chili...oh, and nachos! With cheese! And pizza!

Yes, the city of Boston is filled with anticipation and fattening foods once again. I can practically feel the excitement. In fact, lately when I walk near Fenway I can literally feel the excitement, and that is causing me to call upon Sox fans to cut back on the heavy drinking during games, or I may just have to kill some of you with a citrus spoon. Or maybe cry. Either way, you won't like it.

Anyway, in just a few days the Red Sox will finally, after so many long, hard months of nail-biting repetition and monotony, be taking the first step toward trying to win another World Series title. The fans have waited for this moment since all the way back in October of last year, and no one is going to take it away from them! Well, except for maybe another team.

Yes, the first round is going to be a tough challenge for this year's team, as they have to square off against the 100-game winners from California known as the Angels. This team is so good that they have not only managed to keep their closer from exploding during his windup, but have managed to do so for the entire season. Any team that has that kind of control over the laws of physics definitely makes me frightened.

I mean, just watch that man pitch: His leg kicks up so high and hard I swear he's going to kick a few teeth out, and then he slams it down like he's trying to kill a spider. Then his arms and legs twist and twirl in ways that make a ballerina homicidally jealous. Finally he tops the whole thing off, after actually throwing the ball, by planting and leaping toward first base like he's Michael Phelps and he just heard the gun go off. Only instead of water he finds dirt and grass and possibly rocks.

Somehow, despite this suicidal behavior, the Angels have managed to control him so well that he has saved 62 games this season, shattering the previous single-season record held by someone named Thigpen. Add to that Vladimir Guerrero and a bunch of random other players that we've only barely heard of and you have the fixin's for a quality team.

Despite that, I think the Sox can give the Angels a run for their money and at least make the series interesting.

Pitching-wise, the Red Sox certainly don't have the deepest bullpen in the world; or even in Massachusetts. After Papelbon and Okajimi, who has proven that his 2007 season wasn't a fluke, you basically only have Manny Delcarmen. He has done a serviceable job in the middle-relief role this year, but I still would prefer a few more confident arms in the pen.

The starting rotation is also a bit shaky, with Matsuzaka's tendency to walk the entire opposing lineup at least once, just for fun, before going ahead and striking everyone out and giving every fan a coronary. Also, the all-important postseason Superman known as Josh Beckett has apparently decided to injure himself playing catch.

That being said, Lester has pitched superbly all season, and has enough playoff experience from last year to not be wetting his pants right now, even though he is basically the No. 2 pitcher going into the series now.

Also, despite Matsuzaka's attempts at killing the fans with stress, he still has managed to consistently win when he actually gets the ball in the strike zone. If Beckett's injury proves to be non-serious, I think the starting pitching will be more than enough for the Red Sox offense to gather some wins.

The offense is definitely where the Sox really shine. They have a team batting average of .280, and finished third in the majors in runs scored and slugging percentage. They were fourth in the majors in total team hits, and second in doubles. Finally, they were first in the majors in team OBP. Clearly, this team knows how to win with the bat.

Let's go over the lineup, top to bottom:

1. Jacoby Ellsbury - CF

A .280 batting average, faster than Speedy Gonzalez on cocaine, and a brilliant defensive fielder. Would gladly invite to my Oscar party.

2. Dustin Pedroia - 2B

A small, skinny, goofy looking double machine who can hit anything thrown in his general direction, including pick-off attempts at first base. Vacuum-cleaner for a glove at second. Probably a Bud man.

3. David Ortiz - DH

Lumbering, frightening beast who can hit anything not thrown at his knees about a billion miles. Has been hot lately, with hits in his last six games and five home runs in his last 10 games. Only weakness: Vitamin Water.

4. Kevin Youkilis - 1B

Weirdest batting stance in the history of bat-and-ball sports, including cricket. Has a goatee that goes on for days. Also collects RBIs like some people collect seashells.

5. Jason Bay - LF

The new guy. Ton of home runs between two teams this year, and has an excellent attitude with no butt-length dreadlocks or MC Hammer pants.

6. Mike Lowel - 3B

Tremendous drop-off in nearly every major category from 2007, except for salary and endorsements. Despite this, still an excellent defensive third baseman and speaks understandable English.

7. JD Drew - RF

In strict tradition, must mention that he "isn't living up to his potential" but is playing well this year compared to last year, and is at least healthy and smiling occasionally.

8. Jason Varitek - C

Can't help myself, I just love this guy. Manly, tough and one hell of a pitcher's catcher. Not to mention the irresistible facial stubble and team-focused attitude.

9. Jed Lowrie - SS

He's younger than me and he plays for the Red Sox. Thus, a constant, hateful reminder that I'm that much closer to being too old to have a shot. Good shortstop, though.

What a lineup! This team definitely will lead by offense this postseason. The Angels' pitching staff will definitely have its hands full. I think this will be a much more exciting series than the past two times these teams have met, when the Sox swept the Angels in two separate divisional series en route to two World Series titles in four years.

Remember that, Anaheim? Gosh, that was fun, wasn't it?

So, here it comes! Two days from now the Red Sox travel to Anaheim and October baseball in Boston will begin at 10 p.m. I can only hope too much isn't expected of me at work Thursday and Friday. Thank goodness I'm not a doctor.

Although this might be a good time to remind everyone in the Boston area that your doctor is probably also a Sox fan, and you might want to consider rescheduling that appointment for November.

It's Coming...

Bryan Healey — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 02:34:32 -0400

Can you see it, off in the distance? It's a slight glow, and it's as if it's coming from the future...It feels almost magical, and comforting like a blanket on a cold fall evening. What could it be? What could it mean?

The playoffs are just around the corner! That's what it means!

That glow you see is the coming illumination of a hundred million HD televisions all coming on at the same time in the near future. Scientists have estimated that so much simultaneous glow will zap the Earth of most of it's energy and can be seen from across the galaxy.

Somewhere out there, about a thousands years from now, an alien civilization will be looking at our planet and see it suddenly get much brighter, and they will know: It's playoff time in 2008.

The glow they see will actually be us blowing up the planet, but it's best that they don't assume the worst. After all, the rescue ship will be headed their way and we're going need a place to crash.

So here we are...

It all began way back in March when the Red Sox flew for 376 hours to get to Japan so they can play against the Oakland Athletics, a team ordinarily only three hours away, at 5 AM. Some commentators have dared to try and say that they weren't actually playing at 5 AM because of something called time zones, but they can't fool me. I watched them play, and I can assure you it was most definitely 5 AM.

Then a whole lot of months happened and about a trillion games were played. Most of these games resulted in a fairly even split of wins and losses, especially since there were no ties this year, even in the All-Star game. All of these wins and losses were just as important as any other outcome, even in the final week of the season, but everyone continued the tradition of pretending they weren't.

Tradition is very important to ball players and fans. If you need proof, just see how often a pitcher touches the lines when walking to or from the mound. You could put a gun to the mother of the pitcher and demand that he step on the line and he will have to think seriously on the subject for at least a few minutes before coming to the obvious conclusion.

If you don't know what that conclusion would be, then you don't understand baseball tradition.

So, after many months of games, we now come to the final weekend of the regular season. Most of the races, with the exception of the Twins/White Sox and Phillies/Mets, are decided. However, the sports announcers continue pretending they aren't (they need something to talk about).

The other day I actually heard the NL West called a "tight race." For those of you who are unaware, the Diamondbacks are four games back with five games to play. The mathematically inclined would see that as all but officially over, but in strict tradition announcers are legally unable to stop referring to it as a "tight race" until well after one is mathematically eliminated.

The Rangers were still in a "tight race" with the Angels until just last Monday.

Anyway, so now the question becomes: What will happen in the playoffs? I will now offer my predictions. These are highly scientific assumptions based around a whirlwind of research involving nearly 45 minutes of SportsCenter each morning for the last 15 years and roughly two to four Red Sox games per week this season. So you can be certain they will be highly accurate.

American League

I think the Twins will win the division and square off with the Tampa Bay Rays in the ALDS. On the other side of the league, the Red Sox will face the dreaded Angels, a team so good that their closer has managed to defy the laws of physics by not bursting into flames with every pitch from his horrifyingly painful-looking delivery.

In the Rays-Twins series, I think the winner will be the Rays in three. Sorry, Minnesota. I really appreciate everything you did for me and my best man when we went there for my bachelor trip last May, but I just don't see you being good enough to best the high-riding Rays

In the Angels-Red Sox series, I see a hard fought contest that goes all five. In the end, though, I think Beckett will become unhittable all of a sudden once again and steal the series away from the Angels. That is, after all, what Beckett does. It's his thing. You can't take that away from a man.

So, I think the ALCS will be the Rays and the Red Sox. The R&R's. Interestingly, there won't be any R&R for fans, because I think this series will be intense. And tragically, I think the winner will be the Rays (sorry, a little of my bias slipped through there with "tragically" but I'm sure you can forgive me). Sorry, Boston. You will always be my town, but this Rays team is being backed by Disney writers, and you just don't screw with that kind of authority.

National League

I think the Mets will manage to pull ahead of the Phillies. I base this around the fact that Pedro is still super awesome, even though I know he's not really still super awesome anymore. In my mind he is, though, and that's what matters. My brain just can't wrap itself around the idea that he's not still great. I don't even want to try, really. I'm afraid it might hurt.

Therefore, with the Mets facing the Dodgers, I'm sorry to say that I expect a lot of tears in New York. I hope Pedro can forgive me for this prediction, but I've already written a column where I said I expected the Dodgers to go to the World Series and I don't want to contradict myself anymore than I already have.

In the other series, the Cubs will face the Brewers (did I forget to mention that I thought the Brewers would win the Wild Card? Sorry, Phillies...) and the Cubs will win in four. Sabathia will win his start in game one, and then when the Brewers lose their next two games they will send Sabathia out again in Game Four and he will promptly collapse from throwing over 300 pitches per game for nearly two months.

In the ALCS, the Cubs and Dodgers will square off, and the Dodgers will win. I already explained why, and I'm not doing it again.

World Series

Dodgers-Rays. Talk about weird.

So far we've had a Yankee-less post-season, the Red Sox lose to a team that just last season was so awful that the team could have been replaced with little leaguers and no one would have noticed, and the Mets made the playoffs entirely because of my mental depiction of Pedro Martinez.

Thus I think it's fitting that this be the World Series match-up. I could tell you who would win, but that would be no fun. I'll give you a hint, though: Disney.

Conclusion

So, there you have it. Keep in mind, these predictions are entirely based on almost nothing. Nonetheless, I fully expect to be proved correct. And when I am, I want in on the script writing with you-know-who (I won't say them again, I promise). I've seen every Pixar and sports film ever made, so I know what it takes:

Denzel Washington, a highly diverse cast, and a wildly inaccurate final showdown, sometimes involving the wrong teams. Let's make it happen!

Congratulations, Florida!

Bryan Healey — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:17:01 -0400

No, I don't mean the Dolphins. As far as I'm concerned that game wasn't worthy of its own article because it would be mostly whining and crying, and no one wants that.

I blame myself, really. It was the first Patriots game I ever watched in full HD. Clearly, there must be a connection. After all, they had won 21 consecutive regular season games in regular definition.

Anyway, I'm actually congratulating the Rays, formerly the god-awful Devil Rays, for clinching their first ever trip to the playoffs.

This team had been a bottom dweller since their inception. A tear-inducing abyss of horror and dismay. A team so laughably bad that even Floridians, a group of people so chronically bored that they routinely get into traffic accidents just to spice up their day, wouldn't go watch play.

Then this past winter they dropped the Devil from their name, begged God's forgiveness, and suddenly they're on top of the world (or at least the AL East).

Even the residents of south Florida are finally coming to watch them play, arriving with their broken fenders and dented doors to see them clinch a playoff berth for the first time in the history of the franchise this past Saturday. Hopefully their cars will hold out long enough to keep crowds throughout the post-season.

This turnaround is actually quite stunning. This team hadn't had a winning record prior to this year. In fact, they had a winning percentage below .400 in five of the nine seasons prior to this 2008 campaign. Last season, the Rays were 66-96, which was the worst record in the majors.

This season the Rays still haven't lost 66 games, with a current record, as of Monday morning, of 92-62.

In fact, it just dawned on me as I typed that sentence that if they go 4-4 in their final eight games the will have the same record as last year, only reversed. That would be really cool. I really hope this happens. I am now calling upon the Rays to step up to the plate and go ahead and lose four games. They already made the playoffs, it's not like it's important for them to try and win or anything.

Anyway, all that remains now is for the Rays and Red Sox to duke it out during the final week of the season to see who gets first place in the AL East and who gets the Wild Card. Currently the Rays sit just 1.5 games ahead of the defending World Champions, so it should be an interesting race.

Then again, the Rays get to face Baltimore and Detroit in their final week, both colossally terrible teams. Meanwhile, the Red Sox have to face Cleveland and New York, teams that aren't quite colossally terrible, but then again aren't really awesome, either. I think I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Rays have the advantage here.

It doesn't really matter, though. The real excitement of the year is basically over. Both teams are virtually guaranteed a playoff spot. The Rays are already in, and the Sox officially clinched at least a tie for the Wild Card, and I'm confident that they can squeeze out the few wins needed to assure a playoff appearance. In fact, it would be great if they did it against the Yankees at Fenway, but let's not get too excited.

The real fun is going to be if the Rays and Red Sox square off in the ALCS. Granted, the Sox will have to dispatch the Angels and their high-flying hurky-jerky injury-waiting-to-happen closer first, but I think they have it in them.

However (don't tell anyone I said this, it'll be our little secret), I think the Rays are going to the World Series this year. I know saying that is basically Original Sin in Red Sox Nation, and I will now fear for my life as I walk around the city this week. Let's face it, though: This team is very good, they're riding high emotionally, and they will have a lot of momentum going into the playoffs. They are clearly the team to beat.

Not to mention, it would be a very good story: From dead-last to the World Series in one year! Can you even imagine the sheer number of documentaries and mini-series that will assault our senses? It will be even worse if they actually win the Series.

In fact, Disney is probably writing a movie script this moment. It will be slightly heart-breaking, uplifting, and the underdog will triumph in the end, and you can be certain there will be at least seven different players of inaccurate diversity making crucial, season-altering plays that never happened in real life.

Denzel Washington has to get involved in this somehow.

So, to the Tampa Bay Rays: Enjoy it! This is your season. Even though my brain still hasn't fully accepted the fact that you don't still suck, you can take comfort in knowing that I'm essentially an idiot. No one can take from you what you've accomplished this year, even though Disney will inevitably try.

That alone should give you a little extra motivation to pummel the Angels.

See you in October!

Hochuli Is My Hero

Bryan Healey — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 02:21:52 -0400

Hitler is ice skating in hell right now.

Does anyone remember that Subway commercial just a few months ago where the referee came on over the sound system and announced that he "totally blew that call" but will "penalize the other team for no good reason in the second half to even things up"?

I love that commercial. Why? Because it is clearly nonsensical and that made it funny.

I've been watching sports for pretty much my entire life, and I have never seen an official in any sport admit he was wrong. Ever. The official could be visibly passed out from alcohol and heroin with his two-inch-thick glasses in pieces beside him when he calls pass interference on the opening kickoff, and he still would have defended that call until the day he died.

It's basically rule numero uno in the officiating handbook: You are never wrong.

Anyone remember the 1999 ALCS? Do I even need to mention what play I'm talking about? Even Yankee fans have agreed with me on just how bone-headed and mind-bogglingly stupid that call was. Everyone in Fenway, including Knoblauch, was utterly stunned into silence at that call. I'm shocked the Yankees didn't just burst into laughter right on the field.

Regardless, umpire Tim "the enchanter" Tschida has never openly admitted to blowing the call. I'm sure he never shuts up about it, either. I'm sure everytime he gets together with family and friends he repeatedly shouts, "All the video is wrong! You had to see it from my angle!"

Gotta follow rule numero uno.

So I'm sure it caused serious shockwaves in the officiating community when Ed Hochuli broke the code and announced, in full view of the press (not just in front of his wife or kids), that he had blown a crucial call that cost the Chargers a win against the Broncos.

This must have taken some serious fortitude in the lower region. I'm talking coconut-sized. He must know that he will never live this down. Every call he ever makes from now until the heat death of the universe will be followed by complaints from the players:

"That was totally a first down!"

"You're 43 yards from a first down! You got sacked on your own two yard line while running away screaming and crying!"

"Bah! This is just like that Denver/San Diego game!"

And yet, Hochuli admitted wrongdoing anyway, knowing full well the consequences...Watermelon-sized fortitude.

I feel this is a very positive development in the world of sports. If officials are finally able to admit wrongdoing, perhaps it's about time we get some admissions from some past officials mistakes, and I'm not just talking about the Phantom Tag.

Anyone remember the Fifth Down Game? I sure don't, because I was seven at the time. But the Internet sure does! This was a game when referee Louderback gave Colorado an extra down in a crucial sequence to let them score the winning touchdown.

Now that Hochuli has opened up the possibility of restitution, I think Louderback should consider some sort of apology to Missouri, such as ritual sepuku, or at least a letter of regret.

In conclusion, I want to thank Hochuli for providing fans with fuel to second-guess, curse and berate officiating for the remainder of the existence of the National Football League. I can only hope he remains good-spirited about the whole thing.

Oh! Maybe he'll make a Subway commercial!

Brady Who?

Bryan Healey — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 03:50:46 -0400

That odd noise you heard around 7:30 yesterday wasn't the wind or a ghost. It was the sound of several million Patriots fans all exhaling at once. They had been holding their breath for nearly a week, so I'm sure it was quite loud even miles away. The fans who survived without oxygen for that long, however, were very excited to say: Brady who?

Okay, so maybe 165 yards and 0 touchdowns isn't quite good enough for that sentiment, but Cassel certainly did a serviceable job. He made key throws when needed and didn't make any glaring mistakes. It made everyone realize that the world isn't coming to a horrible fiery destruction just because Brady is broken from the knee down.

It must have been a good feeling. Almost as good as watching Favre throw a key interception and throwing under 200 yards passing for the second game in a row. Patriots fans can practically hear the Packers fans from all the way over in New England: "Hahahahahahahaha*snort*!"

I'm not wholly sure why everyone doubted this Patriots team so much. For years all fans could talk about was how awesomely awesome Belichick is, and how he could coach a pee-wee football team into an NFL championship contender. Fans would tell this to anyone who would listen. Actually, they even told people who refused to listen. They were very persistent. The courts are still backlogged with restraining order requests.

Then, Brady suddenly goes down in a heap and it's as if they thought Pee-Wee Herman took over as head coach (which would be entertaining, but not at all conducive to a winning environment). They should have known better.

Yes, Brady is awesome, no doubt about it. In fact, he is pure awesome. If you melted him down into a big plastic bowl, what you would have is a bowl full of gooey awesomeness with no chemical additives. And the bowl could probably still hit his man in double coverage without blinking an eye. Brady is just that awesome. And we won't even start talking about his dimpled chin.

That being said, Brady is not the entire team. This is a very good thing, because he would be destroyed were he to play nose tackle, and it would be very hard for him to snap the ball to himself. More importantly, though, the rest of the team is actually quite good.

Patriots fans so easily forgot when Brady went down that they still had Moss, Welker, Faulk, and Maroney ready to put points on the board. They also forgot that they had Bruschi, Seymour, Vrabel and Thomas ready to keep points off the board.

They're a very forgetful bunch, those Patriots fans.

I will confess that I didn't see the Jets as a huge challenge. People forget that had Favre not gone all crazy on the Packers and squeezed Chad Pennington onto the Dolphins like a pimple, this team would have been a favorite to win only the two scheduled games against the aforementioned Dolphins. And even with Favre, they managed to beat them by only six points last week.

However, this game was still the all-important first step in the road to acceptance: Brady isn't coming back this year, and that's OK. It allowed everyone to look at each other with a smile and say, "Maybe there won't be 52-7 blowouts this year, but at least Cassel isn't going to be a collosal screw-up."

And really, isn't that what it's all about?

Besides, Cassel isn't all that terrible looking. Maybe he can do a Gap ad! Or, judging by his profuse sweating during the post-game interview, a Right Guard ad. He just needs to find a way to dimple his chin...

Returning to Fenway?

Bryan Healey — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 03:20:49 -0400

I've made an important decision in my life: I want the Dodgers to square off against the Red Sox in the World Series. Calm down LA, I don't want you to win. I just want you to go. In long-standing tradition with myself, I of course want the Red Sox to win. I just think it would be a lot of fun to see Nomar Garciaparra, Manny Ramirez, and Derek Lowe play in Fenway again.

In addition, I have yet to see Greg Maddux pitch live, which should be grounds for execution.

Finally, I think it would be exceptionally awesome to have Joe Torre get to a World Series this year. He was essentially embarrassed out of the Yankees organization by the Steinbrenner's because they felt he wasn't winning enough, which is lunacy in my opinion.

I think it would be just the right amount of vengeance for Torre to show up in the Fall Classic the very next season; a symbolic middle finger, if you will. I would be highly entertained watching young Hankie throw chairs out his office window.

I mean nothing personal by that, Yankee fans. Unlike some Sox fans, I don't revel in Yankee failures, but only in the success of the Sox. I just hate Hank Steinbrenner is all, much like Hitler only with less genocide and war. He's like a smaller, crazier, dumber version of his father on cocaine and horse steroids. I'm surprised he hasn't attempted to physically choke Alex Rodriguez to death.

Anyway, I think I would mostly anticipate Nomar's return to Fenway. I always felt bad for him. Here was a guy who was revered amongst Boston fans for years, touted as the second coming of Ted Williams (which always seemed a bit macabre, since Ted was still alive for a large portion of Nomar's tenure on the Sox).

He even had a cheesy playoff-only remake of "Mambo #5" made in his honor. From 1996 to 2000, his batting average went steadily upward every year. He went from .241 to .306 to .323 to .357 to .372. Based on this trend, I could, at age 16, extrapolate that Nomar would be hitting over .500 by the time he was ready to retire.

The year 2000 was the most fun for me personally. I know I am alone amongst Sox fans in that opinion because they missed the playoffs, but I don't care. That year was the best: Pedro had the greatest single season of a pitcher ever. Carl Everett hit 34 home runs and went insane, which is always entertaining.

In addition, Nomar flirted with, and often surpassed, .400 all season, finishing with .372 and hit 51 doubles. For a statistic junkie like myself, 2000 was a lot of fun. After that year, though, it all went downhill for Nomar. He would never again get above .321 for a season, and was consistently closer to .300.

In a few short seasons, Nomar went from a Fenway god to unwanted drek. When he was traded away in 2004, his departure was actually cheered amongst fans. Therefore, I think it would be fitting for him to return to Fenway in the spotlight of a World Series playoff run. Good for him! Of course, I also hope we then proceed to crush his team like a bug under a steamroller... But still...

As for Manny... Well, I just want him to come back so I can watch him get booed and spit on. Moreover, maybe spike himself running to first base. There's also always the chance he'll get all confused and try to hit clean up for the Sox. That would certainly be entertaining.

I think an LA-Boston series would be a lot of fun, even in spite of the very real risk of death from having to watch west coast game until very early in the morning and then going to work shortly after. However, those are the risks you take, as a baseball fan, and it will all have been worth it provided LA doesn't go and do anything stupid, like beat the Sox.

So bring on Nomar, Manny, Lowe and Torre! Fenway is ready!

Lance Armstrong: At It Again

Bryan Healey — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 06:13:58 -0400

Okay, Lance, we get it: You're awesome.

This guy is so awesome he could make Gandhi feel like a failure. In 1996 he was diagnosed with brain, lung, abdominal and testicular cancer, all at once. Such news would devastate even the most hard-hearted individual.

Lance instead told his cancer to get lost, and shockingly it listened to him. Lance is evidently the cure for cancer that science has been searching for all these years. I can only hope he is being studied.

Then, when most guys would just breath a sigh of relief over cheating death and maybe go for a walk in the park, Lance decides to enter the Tour de France again. And again. And again...

From 1999 to 2005 he won 7 titles in a row. It's still shocks me to this day that anyone even showed up to compete for the last few years.

During that stretch, he was also honored with the Male Athlete of the Year award four consecutive years, from 2002 to 2005. I can say with utmost certainty that if I was ever named Male Athlete of the Year even once, even if it was related to my success in Hog Riding, I would immediately retire and never stop smiling.

I would stop people on the street, "Did you hear? I won Male Athlete of the Year!" I would do this for decades after I actually won. People would run from me in terror if they ever saw me, even immediate family members.

Lance, on the other hand, just kept on winning. It seemed like he didn't even care.

Then, after seven Tour de France wins, he retired. You would think that that would end the story, but no. Next, Lance goes and starts dating celebrities and supermodels like some people collect arrowheads.

Oh, he also has completed the Boston Marathon in the top 500.

Granted, Lance hasn't solved cold fusion or anything (what a loser) but for an athlete he is about as accomplished as they come. Maybe Tiger Woods comes close, but he plays golf, so he barely counts.

So here Lance sits with a tremendously successful cycling career in the books, a budding running career, a romancer of the stars, and with zero body fat. What is a man to do? Would he finally relax and revel in his achievements?

No. He wants to cycle again.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying he shouldn't go back to cycling. In fact, I'm all for it! I'm for anything that involves Americans pounding competitors into the dirt on French soil. All I'm saying is, he makes me feel like a loser. And that makes me sad.

Maybe I should start wearing yellow shirts...

The Rays Are Still in First?

Bryan Healey — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 03:28:11 -0400

I think I'm the last one left who still can't get over the Rays being in first place in the AL East. It's like my brain keeps crashing every time it tries to think about it. I catch myself talking about them as though they're still suck all the time, and people keep looking at me funny. I worry the straight-jackets may be right around the corner.

You have to remember, I grew up watching this team suck. Really suck. Epically suck. They were truly the punching bag of the league. When they came up on the schedule, fans rejoiced and cried tears of joy.

If you lost to them, you felt ashamed and a little bit dirty, as if you had just been caught cheating on your wife. Except you had millions of wives, and they were all equally pissed.

I remember watching Pedro nearly no-hit this team twice, and each time it seemed like he was just having fun. "A curveball now...Ok, sure. How about a fastball next? Or maybe an eephus pitch!"

Of course, he also did this against everyone else, but that's not really the point.

The point is, in my head, I have developed an automatic association between the Rays and suck...Rays = suck, suck = Rays. Very elegant mathematical symmetry.

So, for me to wake up in September, with only a few weeks of regular-season baseball left to go, and see the Rays in first place, is very odd indeed. It feels like I've been kicked in the head by the Twilight Zone.

I keep thinking I must have woken up five months ago, and we can only be three games into the season. I have to believe they made a blood-pact with the devil himself to pull this off.

If they actually win the East, my head might just burst into flames.

Fortunately for my head, the Sox have been playing very well lately. This is very good news, because many New England natives have been putting serious thought to ritual suicide since Sunday's devastating loss of Tom Brady's award-winning smile (I won't even mention his playing ability).

Concurrently, the devil has apparently reneged on the blood-pact, because the Rays haven't been playing all that well.

This combination will make the next two days very interesting.

With the Rays in town to play the Sox, there is a chance we could see another team take hold of the top spot in the East for the first time in months. And that team is the Sox, which is even better.

Matsuzaka may actually be saving people tonight with a win. Of course, he could also be killing people if he loses, but let's not dwell on that right now. He has enough to think about, such as trying not to walk 75 batters. Much better to keep it close to 60.

So, tonight, I will keep my attention locked on the Sox. Best not to think about what's-his-name with the perfectly dimpled chin and shredded knee...Just keep the eyes on the prize! And occasionally the pretzels.

And it would probably be best to look at my drink before I reach for it, lest I make a mess. Actually, I'll just let my eyes look wherever they need to. But mentally I'll be focused!

And just to be sure all goes well, I think Francona should schedule a meeting with the devil. It shouldn't be hard, I'm confident he has him on speed-dial.

Brady's Knee Is Not Funny

Bryan Healey — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 02:13:13 -0400

Stop laughing, Indianapolis! We can hear you, you know! You may think we can't, since you're all the way over there, in whatever state where Indianapolis is in, but we can! We can feel it.

Interestingly, Tom Brady probably cannot feel it, since I imagine he is probably so stuffed with painkillers at the moment that he is probably flirting with his male nurses and calling his bedpan "Steve."

No matter how courageous a man is when he is in front of millions of fans, I am confident that he started screaming for drugs the moment the cameras were off him.

The drug-induced haze is only temporary, however; in just a few short hours he will emerge from his room to the startling revelation that, in one swift motion, one of the nurses has slipped his phone number in his wallet.

Worse still, he will likely be done for the season. In keeping with longstanding traditions, the Patriots have steadfastly denied that they know anything, or whether Brady will play next week, or ever again, or is even alive. I believe that they would have stuck with their usual mantra even if he had been decapitated right on the field for everyone to see.

The fans know better, however. We saw it.

Brady was Superman, only with a better jawline. He had not missed a single game for years despite taking many beatings over that span. We all just operated under the assumption that he was going to live forever, throwing touchdown passes long after Armageddon, like some kind of mutant cockroach.

But yesterday, when Brady's knee buckled, he was instantly human to us. With his gasping and screaming, we suddenly realized, with tremendous angst: "Matt Cassel is our backup."

I mean no disrespect to Cassel here. He is clearly my superior in the department of athletics, and I have faith that he will make an adequate replacement. But you have to remember: He's replacing Tom Brady. The reigning MVP, who threw 50 touchdown passes last year and led the Patriots to a perfect regular season, not to mention appearing in several top-quality clothing advertisements.

Matt Cassel hasn't started a football game since high school, and hasn't even appeared in so much as a KMart ad.

You can see why we would be worried. To put forth a terrible analogy, imagine you had some Hershey chocolate handed to you. Yes, it is still chocolate, and still tasty, but imagine you were eating Godiva truffles just a few seconds before and had it ripped forcibly from your mouth.

So, Patriots fans are all waking up today with the knowledge that, unless some kind of divine intervention takes place in the next few days, Cassel will be our starting quarterback come next Sunday.

As I said, we're not panicking yet. Cassel is still a professional quarterback, and he did an adequate job filling in for Brady yesterday. But we are still a little uneasy, and that is a position we Patriots fans are not used to. Usually we know that we have, at the very least, a great shot at winning come Sunday.

We may not win them all (*cough*Giants*cough*), but the confidence was still always there. And the Patriots rarely disappointed.

That confidence is now on shaky ground, along with Brady's knee...

Stop laughing, Indy! Seriously, it's not funny! Well, for us, anyway...

And Brady: Don't be rude. Be sure to call that nurse and let him down gently.

Pedro Martinez Makes Me Feel Old

Bryan Healey — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:15:07 -0400

It's finally happened. I never really thought it would happen, but it has, much like gainful employment. I am, of course, talking about Sports-Induced Old-man Talking Syndrome.

This is a terrible disease that afflicts thousands of people every year, and can happen at almost any age past 20. Common symptoms include watching ESPN Classic every Saturday afternoon and using phrases like: "When I was young..." and "Remember when..."

If you had asked me back when I was a young wippersnapper if I thought I would be a victim of this disorder at such a young age (24), I would have scoffed loudly in your face. Or screamed and ran away, since you're a stranger. Either way, the important point is I would never have believed how close I was to SIOMTS (pronounced "Siomts") at the time.

When I was a teenager, I enjoyed the moment. I soaked up everything I was watching without dwelling on any prior loves. I went from wanting to be Bret Saberhagen to wanting to be Roger Clemens to wanting to be Pedro Martinez effortlessly. Each new role model took the place of the former without a second thought.

Pedro was different, however.

I first heard of him in 1993 when he was playing for the Dodgers, and really became enthralled with him in 1997 when he was with the Expos. I liked him mostly because he was small and yet very good. You see, in 1997 I was 14 years old and under five feet tall with about the same body mass as a standard low-fat saltine cracker. And I desperately wanted to be a good pitcher.

Roger Clemens was my first hero, but he was nothing like me. He was tall and thick and covered in hair, and it was clear that he had been that way since birth. Pedro, on the other hand, was exactly like me, except for the extra talent, bilingual ability, and the fact that he wasn't white or unable to legally drive.

He was, however, a really short, skinny guy who intimidated everyone he faced and won more often than a cheating Monopoly banker.

Then, something miraculous happened: In 1998, Pedro was traded to my hometown team, the Boston Red Sox.

To put this in perspective for you youngsters (there it is again!), in the late '90s it was almost impossible to watch games outside of your area. There was no MLB.TV or giant cable sports packages or anything like that. The only way you could follow a player outside of your viewing zone was through the newspaper or SportsCenter.

Thus, Pedro coming to the Sox meant that I could finally watch him everyday. Well, every fifth day, anyway.

That first year was pretty awesome, but the seeds for SIOMTS were not really sowed until 1999. That year Pedro really laid the groundwork for his future HOF campaign. He won 15 games before the All-Star break, and then struck out five of the best ballplayers ever in the All-Star game, including Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and...other guys (I don't remember who else, but they were definitely good, I'm sure of it!).

Then he continued to be awesome, winning 23 and striking out over 300 to end the season. In the playoffs, Pedro then turned in one of the greatest playoff pitching appearances ever in Game Five of the ALDS.

By the time his Cy Young and MVP bid came, I knew immediately that Pedro was my man. I would never again switch role models the way I did with Roger and Bret. And for the next bunch of years, I was in baseball heaven. I watched every single game Pedro pitched from 2000-2002, and I'm not even exaggerating.

If I had a baseball game of my own, I would listen to the first few innings on a radio until I could get home and watch the rest of the game on TV.

The problem today is I still imagine those glory days. Pedro is now a member of the Mets and is, staggeringly, a fairly average pitcher. Still good, mind you, but certainly not Pedro. And now, I catch myself talking about the old Pedro in much the same way old people talk about the '50s.

When my friends discuss the great game by Josh Beckett, I say things like "Oh yeah? That's nothing. In 2000, Pedro would have let up fewer hits and struck out 20."

When ESPN talks about CC Sabathia making a push for the Cy Young, I find myself thinking "If he was up against Pedro back in the day, they wouldn't even be talking about this clown."

I'm still, to this day, viciously bitter that Barry Zito got the Cy in 2002. I am so bitter, in fact, that there would be a very real danger of some criminal litigation were I ever to come into direct personal contact with anyone who voted against Pedro.

In conclusion, I offer a warning to all you youngsters out there: Don't take SIOMTS lightly. You may not believe it can happen to you, but it can! And once it does, you're doomed forever. There is no going back...Much like Pedro can't go back to 2002 and win just a few more games, even though he had a lower ERA, more strikeouts, a better WHIP and... and...

...Help me!

The Physics of Football

Bryan Healey — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:10:28 -0400

Just yesterday, the stretch of time when Sundays disappear began. It's baffling to many, and it's a miracle of physics that is known, collectively, as football season.

From February to September each year, my weekend is composed of two whole days: Saturday and Sunday. As such, anything I do can be scheduled for the whole two days. Actually even longer (who needs Mondays?). A weekend trip away? No problem!

From September to January, however, the physics of football mysteriously shrinks the weekend to only one day.

The baseball season is very different than football. With baseball, there is a game practically every night, so you don't feel any sense of loss missing a few of them, except Yankees/Sox games, which are equivalent to ten regular games.

Even in the playoffs you don't mind missing a game that much, except for clinchers and eliminators. And even in those, you can just check the score on your phone every few hours and you'll be fine.

Football is nothing like this. The season is short, and games are played mostly on Sundays. If you miss a football game, it's the emotional equivalent of missing thirty baseball games, and two tennis matches.

It almost physically hurts when it has to happen, such as when you have a wedding or a funeral, or both depending on how you juggle watching the game and your wedding.

My team is the New England Patriots, who will face off with the Chiefs this Sunday. They are probably hoping that the sting of February's Super Bowl doesn't cause the Pats to become so motivated with rage that they come out of the locker room with rocket launchers, ready to raise some serious hell.

There is actually a very real danger that the fans could do this also. Nonetheless, I am confident the Chiefs will show up anyway, in spite the very real risk of death and dismemberment. It is their job, after all. Plus they have helmets.

And when the game begins, I will be on my couch, ready to feel just as manly as I possibly could while doing absolutely nothing but watching TV and eating food.

In fact, I will actually be disturbingly prepared for the game, thanks to the approximately 3,700 hours of pregame reports and analysis. I fully expect there to be an hour-long expose entirely dedicated to Tom Brady's facial hair and what it could mean to the success of the Pats (facial hair = good).

This is one of the reasons why football season robs us of an entire day: The analysis. For some unknown reason (I suspect evil is involved somehow), we are all compelled to watch this stuff as though it will contain the secret formula to cold fusion.

Instead, what actually happens is that retired quarterbacks and receivers who are getting paid more money than the president relay highly repetitive and mundane nonsense directly from a teleprompter. We are never told anything terribly original all because we watched the same games they did.

The only interesting extra is the coach interviews, but the interviewers always ask the dumbest questions, such as: "How do you feel about that win?" Really? That's the best you could think to ask? Are those are the kind of hard-hitting questions they teach you to ask in broadcast journalism school?

Just once I want a coach to answer: "I feel awful. I was really counting on a loss, but my players just can't seem have their spirits broken, no matter how hard I try. I even insulted their mothers, and all I got was a hearty laugh."

The cruel part is, even though we all know it's pointless to watch all this analysis, we will still watch it all anyway. I admit openly that I'll be watching. Why try to delude myself into believing that I might not? I know the effort would be futile: I'm a football fan, and I just can't help myself.

In fact, I think NFL Countdown is on right now! And when that's over, SportsCenter is having a special report on Week One! And ESPN.com has video clips and articles and...

...Save yourself, I'm already too far gone! Run! And get some chips while you're out.