Bleacher Report - Articles by eyebleaf

Fantasy Hockey Fails

eyebleaf — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 00:12:00 -0500

Honestly, nothing hurts quite like f***ing up in fantasy hockey. It haunts you. A small piece of me dies each time I hear the name "Dennis Wideman."

Earlier this season, I dropped Wideman—the steady Boston Bruins' defenseman—from my fantasy hockey team.

It gets worse.

I dropped him for San Jose Sharks' d-man Christian Ehrhoff.

I drafted Wideman. I felt like he was going to improve on his 36 point 2007-2008 season and benefit from playing on a decent Boston team. Well, he certainly has.

I can't say that I thought the Bruins would be this good. And while I was high on Wideman, I didn't think he'd be this good, either. But that doesn't make it any easier. He used to be mine. I let him go. Now I'm paying the price—sitting quietly by my window and thinking about him.

In 45 games this season, Wideman has 31 points (9 goals, 22 assists) and is a whopping +26. Twenty of those points have come on the power play.

To make sure that I was reminded of how much of an idiot I was, Wideman scored last night against the Toronto Maple Sucks. It was a power play goal—of course.

And Ehrhoff? I dropped his ass. After starting the season with 16 points in twenty games, he's tallied a goal and two assists since Nov. 22—F**k Christian Ehrhoff.

I'm sitting in fourth place in my pool. There's a substantial amount of money to be won. Had I kept Wideman, I'd probably be in second or close to it. Had I kept Wideman, and had Tomas Plekanec not morphed into a useless piece of Montreal Canadiens' shit, I might even be a challenger for first.

You live and learn, I guess. At least I now know what John Ferguson Jr. feels like.

Still, I need a drink.

NHL: Nobody Said it Was Easy

eyebleaf — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 07:01:00 -0500

But no one ever said tanking would be this hard to deal with, either.

I hate numbers. I like bullet points, but I really hate numbers. Especially the random ones below*, owned by our beloved, but defensively challenged, Toronto Maple Leafs:

164 - Only the Atlanta Thrashers have allowed more goals (167). But we've got a game in hand. Fuck.
3.48 - Teams that allow more than three goals a game are garbage. Period.
.533 - The Leafs' winning percentage when they score first. Twenty-seventh best (I'm trying to trick myself into being optimistic) in the NHL.
.393 - When the Leafs outshoot their opponent, they win only 39 percent of the time. Dead last in the league. And pathetic.
six - One goal game victories. Tied for last in the league. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again.
13 - Losses by a margin of three goals or more. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again. But, hey, at least we're first in something. I guess.
28.4 - Shots allowed by the Leafs per game. Actually, it's the sixth-best total in the league. It's a real shame the goaltending is ECHL-quality.
101 - Goals allowed five-on-five. 29th best. Want to know how good the Bruins are? They've allowed only 65.
32 - Goals bagged by the Leafs in the first period. Twenty-eighth best!
55 - Goals allowed in the first period. Worst in the league. It's a pleasure to see that Ron Wilson has his boys ready to play from the opening faceoff every night. Well done, coach.
59 - Goals allowed in the second period. Worst in the league. Even worse than the opening 20 minutes. Jesus.
73 - Goals allowed on home ice. 28th best. Anyone else seeing a trend here?
87 - Goals against on the road. 28th best. At least we're consistent.
23 - Power play goals allowed at home, and on the road. Like I said, this team is nothing if not consistent. Consistently garbage.
-10 - Tomas Kaberle's plus/minus rating this season. He's never been worse than -8. In his career. Sadness.
.444 - Toronto's league-worst save percentage in the shootout. Shocking, I know.
3.30 - Vesa Toskala's horrid goals against average. Slow start my ass.
.885 - Toskala's slutty save percentage. Close your legs. Please. I hate you right now, Vesa.
73.7 percent - My favorite, the penalty kill success rate. I just threw up in my mouth.

This post was, arguably, the most painful I've written. Ever. Luckily for the both of us, I no longer acknowledge the existence of Curtis Joseph.

Unfortunately, there's still half a season to go.

Yep, I'll see you at the bar.

*All the fucking brutal numbers are courtesy of NHL.com.

Maple Leafs-Hurricanes: Jason Blake Comes Up Big

eyebleaf — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 07:15:00 -0500

It's true; I drafted Jason Blake in my fantasy hockey league way back in September.

You know why?

Because I believed in the little guy.

And he rewarded my faith in him last night.

Yes, he most certainly did.

If Blake's five-point performance (a hat trick and two assists) wasn't his way of telling former Maple Leafs coach Paul Maurice to go fuck himself, I'm not sure how else he can get the point across.

The two never really got along last season, and Blake now has 13 goals, only two fewer than he bagged in 82 games under Maurice's tutelage.

So, I wonder what the Blake haters are going to have to say today. Probably that 17 percent of No. 55's 29 points on the season came last night.

But you know what? I don't give a shit. And you know why? Because the Leafs needed every one of those five points.

Hate him all you want, and complain about his salary until you're blue in the face. Be my guest. The hating, whether it's directed at Blake, or Mats Sundin, or Tomas Kaberle, kind of gets me off these days.

The numbers don't lie, and Blake is on pace for a 25-goal and 56-point season. And at $4 million a year in today's NHL, that's exactly the type of performance you're going to get.

Jason Blake is paid accordingly. Yeah, I said it.

If you're one of the people who gave Matt Stajan props for responding to a trip to the press box early on in the season, you owe Blake some of the same loving. He was in Ron Wilson's doghouse for a while, but has responded as well as anyone could have expected, and good for him.

Blake, if nothing else, has proven that he's a battler. And I can respect that.

For those of you who watched the game on the tube last night, yes, that is exactly how the Leafs drew it up. A blown four-nothing lead, you know, to get the tanking advocates all hot and bothered, and a five-point performance from one Jason Blake.

Hate Blake if you must. It's your constitutional right. But you can't deny that his performance yesterday was worthy of one tremendous fist pump.

A Paul Maurice Letter, From A Toronto Maple Leafs Fan

eyebleaf — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 06:38:00 -0500

What's up, coach? Back in good old Raleigh, I see. It's always nice to see a bromance the likes of yours and Jimmy Rutherford's be rekindled.

Seriously though, I wish you nothing but success your second time around down there. Shock the world and take that Hurricanes team to the Stanley Cup final once again. Just make sure you don't go through the Leafs to make it happen.

Wait. My apologies. It just happens to be a very sensitive subject for me. I mean, the Leafs lost the 2002 Eastern Conference final to Arturs Irbe.

Arturs. Irbe.

And Jeff O'Neill. Ugh. Let me get back on track here, before I start sobbing uncontrollably.

Look, Paul, I owe you an apology. I threw a lot of dirt on your name over the course of the last two years. I blamed you for a lot of what ailed the Toronto Maple Leafs, especially their issues in the defensive zone, and their penalty killing (I use the word "killing" lightly).

I'm sorry. It obviously wasn't your fault. Ron Wilson's Leafs have proven that you were, in fact, a penalty killing specialist. I'm sure Wilson would love for his team to be killing penalties at a 78% clip, like your Leafs did, instead of the disgraceful 73% he's got them coming in at.

Without you, Wilson's Leafs are allowing a frightening 3.44 goals a game. Good for 28th in the league, and substantially worse than your Leafs' 3.08 GAA last season, and 3.15 GAA in 06/07.

Jesus, Paul, I think I might actually miss you.

I now know that the Leafs' struggles during your two seasons at the helm weren't your fault. You just happened to be the scapegoat. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure that you probably hate Andrew Raycroft as much as I do. I sincerely hope you're enjoying The Raycrap Report, as much as I'm enjoying writing it.

I like you, Paul, even to this day. You're a great quote, and by all accounts, an amiable cat. I don't think you're a very good coach, but that's beside the point. You're back in Carolina now and who, other than Schultzy, really gives a shit about the Hurricanes? It's where you belong.

Good luck tonight, coach. You and your boys probably won't need too much of it.

I hope there's no hard feelings. We, Leafs Nation, don't blame you. Not anymore. We blame John Ferguson Jr. And we always will.

Cheers,

eyebleaf

Dear Mikhail Grabovski: No More Suspensions—We Need You on the Ice!

eyebleaf — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 07:40:00 -0500

Dear Mikhail Grabovski,

What's good, my hot-headed, young Belarusian friend? Enjoying your time on the sidelines? I didn't think so.

Now, I'm writing this not to get all preachy on you. You don't need to be told to never put your hands on an official again. I trust that you're a smart cat, and that you've learned your lesson.

What I am going to tell you is that the Leafs need you out there. Did you watch that game garbage last night? It was brutal. Seventeen shots? F***. Off. And Saturday night wasn't much better, 42 shots be damned.

There's zero offensive creation without you, Grabs. Let's be honest, there isn't much to begin with, but with you up in the press box things are about as quiet on the ice as inside Elliot Spitzer's bedroom. You know, since he got busted for palling around with that crazy expensive hooker.

You really should read the news, Mikhail. Or get Poni to translate it for you or something.

Now don't get me wrong, I know the tank is on, but you and your teammates have proven that you're not about to solve that whole "goals against" problem anytime soon. So, if you're going to lose, I'd rather you at least score some goals in the process.

You've just got to be in the lineup for that to happen. So no more suspensions, my friend.

And I know, Sergei Kostitsyn is a b****. He'll get his. Don't worry about him. Like I said, lesson learned.

I'll be honest: Deep down, I like that you're crazy. But I need you to harness that energy. I need you on the ice.

See you on Friday, player.

Cheers,

eyebleaf

The Raycrap Report Vol. 5: An Apology, Maybe...

eyebleaf — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 07:51:00 -0500

Sidney Crosby and his hapless Pittsburgh Penguins were the latest team to succumb to the goaltending force known as Andrew Raycroft, dropping a 5-3 decision on Saturday afternoon.

I figured the final nail in the coffin of Pens coach Michel Therrien, or "hockey dad" as he's lovingly called by my girl Lori over at Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes, would have been a loss to the one and only Raycroft.

But that wasn't the case. The Pens lost, Therrien's still got his job, and Raycroft continues to defy all logical, well, logic.

Raycroft's effort on Saturday was reminiscent of his days with the Toronto Maple Leafs. He stopped only 21 of 24 shots, but he won. Again. And wins are nice.

Now that he's won seven games in a row...

Sorry, I need a second. I can't believe I just wrote that.

...

OK. My apologies. Let's try this again. Yes, I did just take a shot of Wiser's.

Now that he's won seven games in a row, it's looking more and more like our good pal Andrew may supplant Peter Budaj as the No. 1 goalie in Denver. Raycroft will be between the pipes tonight in Columbus when the Avalanche visit the Blue Jackets.

I know, what a world.

What I don't know is what Raycroft, now sporting a 9-1 record and a .905 save percentage, wants from me. I don't really know why he's doing this to me. I mean, haven't us Leafs fans, and you know, fans of good goaltending, suffered enough?

Raycroft's exploits remind me of Happy Gilmore, when he told Shooter McGavin, "Uh oh, Happy learned how to putt!" Suddenly, he's learned how to play goal again. Bastard.

I'm at my wits end. How can I make fun of Raycroft when he's sporting solid numbers, and when the Leafs are easier in their own end than a couple of Jarvis St. hookers? I can't, dammit.

I've become so disillusioned with Vesa Toskala and his whore-like five-hole to the point where I'm willing to offer Raycroft an apology...maybe.

If, by the end of the season, Raycroft's save percentage (.905) is still higher than Toskala's (.882, fuck!), I will offer Raycroft a full apology, and never, ever, talk smack about him again.

Basically, the ball is now firmly in Toskala's court. He's got half a season to pull up his God damn panties jock strap, and play with some pride. I mean, as a Leafs fan, I don't have much of anything. It would be a damn shame for me to lose "The Raycrap Report" as well.

Oh, and just to warn you, if Raycroft does in fact finish with a higher save percentage than Toskala, and Paul Maurice leads the Carolina Hurricanes to the playoffs, I'm going to need a hug and a glass of booze more than I've never needed either before.

Mats Sundin Returns to Toronto on February 21

eyebleaf — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 07:37:00 -0500

The return of Mats Sundin.

It's official.

I'll be there, in the stands, in my No. 13 jersey, and on my feet in appreciation of the man, the legend.

What? No, I don't get tired of writing about Mats.

But thanks for asking.

Tickets went on sale Saturday morning for next month's big game. Of course, attempts to score seats through Ticket-fucking-master were futile. I got up early for nothing.

But I've managed, thanks to one of the seven wonders of the internet, to find a pair of purples for $280. A ridiculous price, I know. But one I must pay.

I was there in Edmonton back in 2003, row one behind the glass, when Sundin scored the 1000th point of his career. I was in attendance at the ACC in October 2007, when Mats became the highest-scoring Toronto Maple Leaf, ever. And I'll be there when Mats returns. Much like the picture above, I will welcome him home with open arms.

$280? Mats is worth every penny.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 4: Is This Really Happening?

eyebleaf — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 07:45:00 -0500

Is this all just a bad dream? Am I, perhaps, lost in the matrix?

Is it really possible that Andrew Raycroft made 43 saves last night in a 2-1 victory over the Chicago Blackhawks, owners of the second most prolific offence in the Western Conference?

It is possible.

Forty-three saves. A career high.

Six wins in a row. Tying a career high.

I am speechless. I have no speech.

Seriously though, I cannot believe how Raycrap's fortunes have turned. Think about it; Andrew Raycroft, 8-1, with a .908 save percentage. It's insane.

My worst nightmare—Raycroft picking up the shattered pieces of his pathetic career—is coming true right before my very eyes.

To make matters worse, Vesa Toskala's five-hole, much like a cheap, dirty hooker, was once again open for business last night. Vesa, who allowed five goals on 21 shots and was pulled after 40 minutes, is really buying into the whole "Show me your V" marketing campaign from Versus.

The Maple Leafs went into action last night with the league's lowest save percentage, coming in at 87.7 percent. After yesterday's debacle at the hands of the Canadiens, that number is going to, unfathomably, go even lower.

You know what? Raycroft and Toskala are both sucking the life, and the fun, out of this whole "Raycrap Report" thing.

If it were socially acceptable to have a drink in the morning, I'd probably pour myself one today.

Instead, I think I'm going to stick to the orange juice sans vodka and head to work.

Happy fucking Friday.

Dear Mats Sundin: A Letter

eyebleaf — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 07:33:00 -0500

Dear Mats,

It's tough to play in an NHL game after eight and a half months on the sidelines, isn't it? I know, you're used to your regular four-month layoff (zing!).

On a more serious note, it was great to see you again. You looked good. I've got to admit, though, it was a bit strange seeing you in that jersey. It just didn't look right. I'm sure, deep down, it didn't feel right for you either. But we'll both get used to it. Eventually. Together.

I guess Alain Vigneault was really trying to make you feel at home, sticking you between Kyle Wellwood and Mason Raymond. I guess he thinks that since you've played with shitty wingers almost your entire career, save Alexander Mogilny, there's no reason for that to change.

Hopefully Vigneault will come to his bloody senses, and at least have you lined up with Pavol Demitra on Friday.

All in all, it was an uneventful debut. It's going to take you a few games to find your legs, and your timing. But your new team won, and that's all that matters.

Things are alright here in Toronto, Mats. Don't worry about us. You focus on things in Van-City. I'm sure you're wondering why the hell we traded for Brad May. So am I. I'm beginning to think that May is, in fact, Brian Burke's illegitimate son.

Anyway, take it easy, buddy. I'll see you on February 21st.

Your boy for life,

eyebleaf

All Eyez On Mats: Sundin Makes Canucks Debut

eyebleaf — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 18:46:00 -0500

Admit it, you love the quasi 2Pac reference. Just admit it. Ah, go to hell.

Anyway, it's happening tonight. Sundin is lacing them up for the Vancouver Canucks, as they visit the house that Wayne Gretzky built. And you can colour me stupendously excited.

Speaking of Gretzky, you'll be able to find me at his fine Toronto restaurant and sports bar tonight. His lovely establishment will be broadcasting tonight's game. I'll be the guy in the Sundin jersey. A Leafs Sundin jersey, but a Sundin jersey nonetheless.

Now, make no mistake about it, I'm a Leafs fan. I have always been a Leafs fan, and I will always be a Leafs fan. Let no one ever—ever—tell you otherwise. But Mats holds a special place in my heart, and I'm rooting for him like I've never rooted for someone in another hockey jersey.

The Leafs are number one in my books. I'm still hoping they might pull off a belated Festivus miracle and somehow sneak into the playoffs. But the Canucks, well, they're team 1A from here on out. I'm excited that come playoff time, with the Leafs likely on the golf course, I'll at least have a vested interest in this year's second season.

Do your thing, Mats. Make me proud.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 3: Dear Vesa Toskala,

eyebleaf — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 08:02:00 -0500

No, Vesa, I didn't photoshop that picture. That is Andrew Raycroft making a glove save on Marty St. Louis. In a shootout, no less.

Raycroft won again last night, Vesa. No, I'm not fucking around. Check the box score, bro. That's seven wins for him this season. Yep, half as many as you have. And you've started 34 games compared to his nine.

You know what else? His 2.71 GAA blows your 3.27 out the frame. But fuck the goals against average. We all know it's the save percentage that really matters. Well, the news isn't good on that front either, my friend. Raycroft's sporting a .894 to your .885. Almost a full percentage point better than you.

No, Vesa, I don't want to hear it. I don't care if the Avalanche are scoring goals for him. In his last five games, Raycroft's allowed only 11 goals, and won them all. Where has that type of consistency been from you? Where, dammit?

This is tough for me, man. You have to know that. Here I am, the guy telling people not to boo Bryan McCabe, now comparing you to Andrew Raycroft, the one guy I hate with every fibre of my being.

You've let me down, Vesa. I've been one of your biggest supporters, and one of your ardent defenders, but how long can I carry on this charade? After 34 games this season with you between the pipes, I don't think I can say that you're a legitimate N.1 goalie. I'm sorry.

It makes me sick to my stomach that the Leafs are, once again, one of the worst defensive teams in the league. It makes me nauseous to see that the team is killing penalties at an absolutely unacceptable 73 percent success rate. As much as I complain about Ron Wilson not being able to change the defensive and penalty killing fortunes of this team, I know that a big part of those dastardly numbers are, well, weak goaltending. Like Will Smith said, "Yo fault."

Look, I'm not saying Raycroft is a N.1 goalie. Even my Dadima knows he's not. But I don't care how many more games you play than that rat bastard, your numbers, especially your save percentage, have to be better than his.

It's time to look in the mirror, my Finnish friend. If your groin is hurt, tell Ron Wilson you need some time, and let the God damn injury heal. There's no point trotting you out there every night if you're going to give us pathetic goaltending. I mean, we've got Curtis Joseph for that.

You were supposed to be one of the few bright spots on this team this season, Vesa. You were supposed to be one of our "assets." Half the season is in the books, and you're having the worst season of your career, bar none. It's time to start giving a damn.

With love,

eyebleaf

Bryan McCabe: Save Your Boos Leafs Fans, and Remember the Good Times

eyebleaf — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 07:29:00 -0500

Bryan McCabe, now a Florida Panther, anticipates being booed by you, by us, the Toronto Maple Leafs faithful, in his return to the Air Canada Centre tonight.

Let's prove him wrong.

Look, I know the McCabe chapter in Leafs history had a shitty ending, but no matter what you think of him today, how about we show him some love tonight. What do you say?

We had some good times. Eight years. Over 520 games in the blue and white, 523 to be exact. Even 50 playoff games, including one of our deepest runs. Seasons of 43, 53, 68, and 57 points. A Team Canada selection. The can-opener. Dude was good.

And don't you forget the beautiful music McCabe and Tomas Kaberle made together. They were a lovely tandem back there. My lasting memory of McCabe, own-goal be damned, is him one-timing a cross-ice pass from Kabby, served up on a pillow on the power play, into the back of the net.

McCabe's trade out of Toronto has worked out for both teams. He's logging a ton of minutes on the Panthers' blue line and has responded well, as anticipated, to the fact that no one gives a shit about hockey down in Miami.

Mike Van Ryn, whom Toronto received in return, of course, has arguably been the best Leafs defenceman when he's in the lineup. Unfortunately, he just can't stay in the lineup, thanks to douchebags who hit from behind.

So, do me a solid and save your wrath. McCabe doesn't deserve it. Even during his darkest days in a Leafs uniform, no one could accuse No. 24 of not playing with passion, or not trying.

By all accounts, McCabe tried too much; tried too hard. He wanted nothing more than to live up to the massive contract John Ferguson Jr., aka the Antichrist, gave him, and his career in Toronto ended because of that desire and what it did to his game.

In the end, in my zen-like hold-no-grudges fashion, I wish McCabe nothing but good luck and all the success in the world. I'm glad to see him succeeding in Florida, and here's hoping he gets a warm ovation from the crowd tonight. Here's hoping the fans remember the good times. There were plenty.

Save your boos for Raycroft.

Mats Sundin's Back

eyebleaf — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 07:07:00 -0500

Yes, I have returned from the Motherland. She was a most gracious host, as always. But I'm talking about Mats Sundin, who donned a new sweater yesterday in Vancouver.

You know, I always thought I'd be an emotional wreck the day I saw Sundin in another jersey. But that wasn't the case last night. Instead, I'm excited for him, and for the Vancouver Canucks.

Plus, in the picture above, he's wearing his patented Sundin smile; the smile that melted my heart for so many years, and continues to do so today. If he's happy, I'm happy.

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here and bet you a high-quality meal at Mendy's that Down Goes Brown will be bitching about something Sundin said during his interview yesterday with the Vancouver media. Double or nothing it will be about No. 13's hunger to play and compete.

That's all well and good. We've heard and read all the bullshit before. Say what you want about him, but there's no denying that Mats has always looked mighty fine in blue and white.

Here's hoping that the final chapter of Sundin's hockey career includes a happy ending.

God Damn Yankees

eyebleaf — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 06:04:00 -0500

My 82-year-old Dadima (Grandmother), out here an ocean away in Delhi, was not in the least bit surprised that the New York Yankees landed Mark Teixeira.

When I told her the news, she looked at me with a blank expression on her face and, in her limited English, said, "You are very nice boy. Very good boy. I like you."

Obviously, she was talking about me, and not Mark Teixeira, the latest baseball player to strike it rich thanks to the God damn Yankees join the dark side.

Here is an excerpt from a Gordon Edes column over at Yahoo! Sports that should make you lose your lunch:

"The Yankees will have nine players being paid $13 million or more in 2009. Those nine players - Teixeira, C.C. Sabathia, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, A.J. Burnett, Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera, Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon—combine for $159.1 million, more than the payroll of any other team."

Nine guys. Who account for more payroll than any other team in baseball. Hell, probably in professional sports. That right there, my friends, is why it is my duty to hate the New York Yankees. And make no mistake about it, it is your duty as well.

Would I like an owner that spends, spends, spends, spends, spends, spends, spends, spends, spends, and spends some more? Of course. I am sure you would too. But the reality is that the Toronto Blue Jays, and 28 other teams, do not and cannot operate that way. And that is why I hate the Yankees.

The hatred, you see, stems from jealousy. And there is no cure. All I can do is continue to b*tch about New York's free-spending ways.

You know, I have learned a lot in my short, two-week sojourn on the Indian subcontinent. There is nothing quite like spending time with family. One moment, in particular, stands out: my Dadima told me she hates the Yankees, too.

Dear Santa Claus,

eyebleaf — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 06:12:00 -0500

What up, player? How've you been? Still going strong, I hear. Good for you. It's important to stay active as you put more clicks on the odometer. Keep doing your thing, man.

So, what's the good word up in the North Pole? How's Rudolph doing? It's unfortunate what happened to him, man. I never thought he'd become such a prima donna. It always seemed like his head was on straight. But it's tough; the fame, the fortune, the women, the drugs. Everyone heard about the crazy parties he was throwing, and the intervention. I know those must have been tough times for you. Hopefully rehab did the trick, and Rudy's off the blow.

I've got to give you some props. Through all the drama, you stuck by and showed faith in your boy. Here's hoping Rudolph comes through for you this Christmas. Give him my best, and tell him to keep his head up. He's like the Josh Hamilton of reindeer.

How's Mrs. C? Boy, do I miss her cooking. I saw you at the mall the other day and it was pretty obvious that you're enjoying her exploits in the kitchen on my behalf. I kid, I kid. You looked great. Been hitting the gym? Doing some interval cardio, or some yoga? I know, I should have said hello, but I thought it might have been a little awkward in front of all the kids.

I know what you're probably thinking, Santa, and you're right; it has been a really long time. Time just flies, man. You know how it is. Before I knew it, I was all grown up. Now I'm caught up in the rat race, and closer to my 30s than my 20s. And that's pretty fucking depressing.

But I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch. For real. Unfortunately, I haven't been good on that front with a lot of people. I hope there's no hard feelings.

If there are, just think back to Christmas Eve, circa 1994, when you devoured those "special" cookies I left out for you. Man, I'll never forget that night. You were laughing so hard milk was flowing out of your nose. I pulled some crazy missions to keep my parents from coming downstairs that night, I hope you know that. And I still don't know how you managed to finish the rest of your run, especially after we passed the cookies to the gang up on the roof. Rudolph was bugging out, his eyes were as red as his nose, and Blitzen certainly lived up to his name that night.

Good times, Santa. There's no denying that.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing to you after all these years is because the sports scene is dire in Toronto these days. You're in the miracle business and, well, we could use a few. Trust me, this list won't be as long as some of the ones I sent you in the past.

Before I get into it, thank you for Dwayne De Rosario. That's exactly the type of shit I'm talking about, my man.

Santa, I know it's probably not in the best interests of the team in the long term, but I'm more of a short term kind of a guy, so, if it's not too much trouble, please sneak the Maple Leafs into the playoffs. Even if it means a date with the resurgent Boston Bruins. I'll take my chances against Tim Thomas over Henrik Lundqvist.

Look, it's obvious we're not finishing last, or even close to it. Tampa Bay and Long Island are the Sultans of Suck this season, and even those bastards in Ottawa have a better chance at John Tavares or Victor Hedman than we do.

The Leafs are playing great hockey of late, so how about a playoff round or two? What do you say? It looks like the team has a decent nucleus of players, and playoff hockey would be great for youngsters like Schenn and Grabs, and guys like Antropov and Ponikarovsky, who have stepped up in the wake of Mats Sundin's departure, and who are on pace to record career year's. Playoff hockey would be beneficial for our new number one centre, and leading scorer, Matt Stajan, too.

I know, Santa. I can't believe I wrote that about Stajan either. Kid's been a revelation.

Playoffs. Please. Make it happen. Even just one round. I yearn for post-season Leafs hockey in ways you cannot imagine.

Santa, moving on, the Toronto Raptors are in free-fall. Sure, they beat the Clippers the other night, but that's not exactly an inspiring victory.

My man Archimedes broke it all down: what else can this team do? They've done it all.

It's official, Santa. I want you to bring Vince Carter back to Toronto. I know, it's blasphemy, but he's exactly what this team needs: an explosive presence on the wing. And don't worry, I know my city. I have faith in my city. Once they see Air Canada take off in a Raptors uniform again, a dormant love affair will blossom once more.

Look, if you can't bring VC back to town, just promise me you'll find a way to keep Chris Bosh in a Raptors uniform past 2010.

One last thing, Santa. Is there any way you can get Manny Ramirez to sign in Toronto? He'd be one bitching designated hitter. I don't know, fix the global economy, or something. It would really help the Blue Jays out of a jam.

Even Jason Giambi will do, Santa. Just bring me something for the Jays, anything, because J.P. Ricciardi is being a real Scrooge this Christmas.

I know. I'm pushing it. Do what you can, my good man. I've got faith in you. You've never let me down before.

I promise to keep in touch this time. Enjoy the cookies. Merry Christmas, and all the best in 2009. And, Santa: thanks. You are appreciated.

Cheers,

eyebleaf

P.S. If it's not too much trouble, can you get the Sundin haters off his back? I know, I don't get why they just can't be happy for him, either. And a Stanley Cup for Mats and the Canucks would be super, too. Thanks. You the man.

Farewell Mats Sundin

eyebleaf — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 06:59:00 -0500

The New Delhi streets were abuzz this morning over the news. Mats Sundin is officially a Vancouver Canuck, and every man, woman, child, beggar, and corrupt police officer was talking about it.

The Sundin saga is finally, mercifully over. I, for one, couldn't be happier with the outcome. I wanted Mats to go west, and he's done just that.

As fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and sports in general, we're all entitled to our own opinions. None of them are wrong. Well, except for this bullshit. I'm not even sure why I'm linking to it, but it should give you a good idea of the hatred and garbage being thrown Sundin's way.

I was expecting some serious Sundin bashing from Down Goes Brown, but he kept it real, and kept it classy, unlike the garbage linked to above, in his message to Mats. Make sure you give it a read. I think most Leafs fans share his sentiments today.

I will admit, though, that the tombstone over at PPP stung. Big time.

I think the double standard that exists when it comes to Sundin and his (in)decision was a funny one. It was alright for Sundin to be traded to Montreal, or New York, or wherever, but it was wrong for him to leave town on his own volition. The haters only wanted what was best for them.

I think DGB hit the nail on the head with the way it all went down. It was unfortunate, and Mats screwed up.

He didn't need to give us a reason as to why he refused to be traded, and the last thing he should have said was that it was because he loved Toronto, and loved being a Maple Leaf. He had a no-trade clause, and he was using it. That would have been suffice.

I could go on and on about Sundin and how I think the fans that are roasting him today are a fickle and selfish bunch, but I've done that before, and I'm not going to down that road again. In my eyes, Mats, after giving us so much, finally looked out for himself. And I can't be mad at him for that. In time, I believe all will be forgiven.

In my dreams, Sundin has the won the Stanley Cup in a Leafs jersey thousands of times. I've always wanted to see him hoist that most beautiful trophy over his head, and that hasn't changed now that he's wearing a different blue and white sweater. Go Canucks, plain and simple.

In my ultimate fantasy, the Canucks do win the Stanley Cup this season, and Sundin wins the Conn Smythe trophy. Then, in the off-season, Mats signs a one-year deal with the Toronto Maple Leafs, and comes home to retire.

I'm still just as in love with Sundin as I was when we first met back in 1994. In these eyes, he will always be a Maple Leaf, and always represent Toronto. He gave us the best years of his hockey life and even though his Leafs career is over, and came to an end in a most unfortunate way, those years still mean and stand for something, damn it.

Talk badly about him if you must. Curse him. Call him a liar. Hate him. Throw shit at him. But there will never be any denying what he did in the uniform that we all adore. Like I said, in time, all will be forgiven.

I don't know about you, but I know where I'll be on February 21st. At the Air Canada Centre, in my Sundin jersey, on my feet in applause.

Good luck, Mats, and thank you. For everything.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 2: Day Of Reckoning

eyebleaf — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 07:32:00 -0500

When I heard that Andrew Raycroft would be between the pipes for Colorado last night against the Detroit Red Wings, I immediately went out and bought a party hat, and put some Bambino on ice.

You see, I figured Raycroft was going to get shelled with the loss (I was thinking seven goals on 35 shots), waived this morning, and be languishing in the minors, where he belongs, by tonight.

I was ready for a celebration. Ready for sweet justice to be served. Ready for Raycroft to be outed once and for all as the fraudulent goaltender that I know he is.

Instead, much to my dismay (and not really to my surprise), the game didn't exactly go the way I thought it would.

Raycroft shone like never before. Or at least like he hasn't shone in a long, long, really long time. He stopped 34 of 36 shots, including 14 of 15 in the third period, and kept Detroit's top-ranked power play—humming along at 29.2 percent going into yesterday's game—at bay through five opportunities. Raycroft's nine saves on the penalty kill were huge, and he was, unfathomably, named the game's first star.

Andrew Raycroft. Named number one star. Let that sink in for a second.

Has that ever even happened before? I'm way too lazy to check and find out, but I'm going to have to say no. Needless to say, it was an out-of-body experience for the much-maligned Avalanche goaltender. It had to have been. It's the only rational explanation.

To add insult to injury, Raycrap's win came against, well, the Detroit Red Wings. You know, the defending Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings. And in Detroit, to boot, where the Wings had won five in a row.

Un-fucking-believable.

Mind-blowingly, Raycroft has now won four of the five games he's started for Colorado this season. Lest you forget, that's double his win total of last season with the Maple Leafs. Thanks to his epic performance last night, our good friend Andrew Joseph Ernest is now sporting a tidy .870 save percentage along with his four glorious victories.

Curtis Joseph, on the other hand, has yet to win a game, and is walking around with a pathetic .851 save percentage to his name.

I was dreading this day. The day Cujo's save percentage is actually lower than Raycroft's. It has arrived, and I think I'm going to be sick.

Dwayne De Rosario an Early Christmas Gift for Toronto FC Fans

eyebleaf — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 07:35:00 -0500

For Toronto FC fans, Santa Claus came down the chimney on Friday afternoon, around five o'clock. Mo Johnston has acquired Canadian international, and local boy, Dwayne De Rosario.

I don't know about you, but I was bouncing off the walls of my cubicle when the news broke. You know how I do.

De Rosario's a winner: a four-time MLS Cup champion. He's a goal scorer and an all-star, and he easily becomes TFC's best, and most dangerous, player. If there's a guy to lead TFC to the playoffs!—it's the Scarborough native.

Mo Johnston's taken a lot of heat in Toronto for not delivering on his promise to bring a big name to The Big Smoke, but De Rosario's about as big as it gets in MLS. So, let's all give Mo a J.P. Ricciardi-like general manager's reprieve. You know, good for one more year.

For those of you not too familiar with DeRo's MLS exploits, check out the following video. I saw it over at The 24th Minute, where Duane Rollins is your host, and, well, I must share (remember, sharing is caring). The clip is a small window into the incredible talent that is Dwayne De Rosario, and, like Rollins says, only the final replay gives it justice.

Enjoy:

Filthy goal, wasn't it? Needless to say, it's going to be a lot of fun watching DeRo at BMO Field next summer.

Thank you Mo Johnston Santa Claus, and Merry Christmas TFC fans.

And, welcome home, DeRo.

Happiness is Watching Vince Carter Suck

eyebleaf — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 15:33:00 -0500

Vince Carter went zero for 13 from the floor last night.

That's a shooting percentage of: 0

He finished with three points, all from the charity stripe.

He had as many turnovers as he did points.

It was the worst shooting performance of his career (0 percent).

The Nets shot 31 percent from the field. Carter didn't exactly help the cause either (0 percent).

The Raptors won 101-79, the type of beating they've been on the receiving end too many times this season. Last night they dished out the bitch slap instead of taking it. I must say, it's definitely more fun that way.

If all of that doesn't bring a smile to your face, you have no soul.

Remember, if you're looking for excellent Toronto Raptors coverage, check out RaptorBlog and Dino Nation Blog, my TheScore.com Sports Federation brethren. And, of course, statistics lover T.Jose Caldeford.

A.J. Burnett to the New York Yankees: What a Surprise...

eyebleaf — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 13:29:00 -0500

You know the memo about that whole "global financial crisis" thing? The New York Yankees didn't get it. Their fax machine is broken, and they haven't checked their email in forever.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, everyone's favourite former Toronto Blue Jay A.J. Burnett is Bronx bound. Five years, $82.5 million. As David Putty would say: "Yeah, that's right."

In three days, the Yankees have shelled out $243.5 million for Burnett and Fat Fat Sabathia.

That's a quarter of a billion dollars. That's f***ed up. But business as usual in New York, I guess.

I ain't mad at A.J. It was probably best that we go our separate ways, and I said goodbye a long time ago. And let's not kid ourselves, he ain't no fool. You and I both know we have taken that deal as well. A.J. had to follow the money, and I'm happy for him. The Burnett clan will be taken care of for many a generation.

It's the Yankees who are foolish. It's the Yankees who deserve to be punished by the baseball Gods for offering an injury plagued soon-to-be 32-year-old a five-year deal.

It's nothing personal, and I wish A.J. all the luck in the world, but I want him to be an even bigger bust than Carl Pavano was in pinstripes. I want Burnett to struggle. Badly. I want the bright lights of New York to mess with him. I want A.J. to hit that disabled list, and hit it early and often.

As I watch the Yankees spend crazy ducats while the Jays shop at the free agency thrift store (see Clement, Matt) and shed payroll, I'm reminded why I hate New York, the entire Steinbrenner family (yes, even the grandchildren), and everything the Yankees stand for.

I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to Roy Halladay vs. A.J. Burnett, Blue Jays vs. Yankees, at the Rogers Centre next summer. I'm definitely going to be there. And I'll probably be booing. Here's hoping Doc teaches A.J. a lesson or two, or ten.

I think Stoeten of Drunk Jays Fans stardom said it best about our friends down in the Big Apple, and pardon the language:

"Honestly...Yankees, Yankee fans, friends and relatives of Yankees fans, please, for the love of fucking Christ, go fuck the fucking fuck out of your fucking selves."

Amen, Stoeten, you crazy mother sucker. Can't anybody put it any better than that.

See you on the other side, Allan James.

Deep Thoughts Vol. 16: Descent Into Madness...

eyebleaf — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 07:47:00 -0500

Winter has arrived in Toronto. The kind of cold that chills you to the bone. And with it, the realization that as sports fans in this great, but frigid, city, our nuclear winter is upon us.

It's the perfect storm.

Think about it.

The only team the Maple Leafs can beat these days is the New York Islanders. I don't know about you, but last night's match-up was pretty depressing. I had a hard time, uh, getting up for that one.

Jeremy Williams did bring some enjoyment, however. He did what he always does in his first game up from the AHL: score. On top of his goal, he made Jason Blake look pretty good too, and that is no easy task, my friends.

Blake killed my Williams-induced buzz by fist-pumping away like a jackass, again. Because, you know, the battle for 12th place in the Eastern Conference is just a riot. Idiot.

The Leafs have won 10 of 28 games. Cliff Fletcher wasn't kidding—it's going to be a long, arduous winter. All I have to look forward to, albeit very grudgingly, is the return Brian Burke must inevitably fetch for Tomas Kaberle. I only pray that Burke finds Kabby a good home.

I've come to the realization that if I can deal with Mats Sundin leaving, I can deal with anything. Even Tomas. But that doesn't mean he won't take a piece of my heart with him when he walks out that door.

Think about it.

The Toronto Blue Jays are in Las Vegas, at baseball's annual winter meetings, with nary a penny to spend. In Vegas, with no loot. Can you imagine a fate more unjust? No money for the tables, no money for the Rhino, and certainly no money for top-tier free agents. My heart aches simply thinking about it.

I'm not the only one losing sleep over the fate of the local nine (I love calling them that). I'm beginning to worry about The Tao of Stieb, for real.

A.J. Burnett? Yeah, we're still talking about him. Sign elsewhere already, man.

Rafael Furcal? It's possible. Although I still don't think Marco Scutaro at shortstop is what's wrong with the 2009 Blue Jays.

Just pray that J.P. Ricciardi does something. Anything. For sanity's sake. I mean, I'm not calling for a John Thomspon signing like The Tao, but at this point, I'm all for signing Carl Pavano. Yes, even Carl Pavano. Such are the times. Frugality rules the day.

Think about it.

The Toronto Raptors have lost four in a row, and seven of their last 10. They sit in the basement of the division, which they won only two years ago. Three games back of the New Jersey Nets, and a half game behind the New York Knicks. Yes, even the supremely dysfunctional Knickerbockers are sporting a better record than our dinosaurs.

If the Raptors regressed last year, what the hell are they doing this year? Re-regressing? This is not the way Bryan Colangelo drew it up, that's for sure.

Chris Bosh and company are in LeBronland, to face the 17-3 Cavaliers, tonight. I'm putting the savings on the line pretty sure that Jay Triano is going to have to wait a little bit longer for that first win. Do the right thing, and cover the eyes of the children. They don't need to see this one.

Think about it.

Even the Buffalo Bills' season came to Toronto to die.

Brace yourselves, people. Stay warm. Stay sane. Good luck, and Godspeed.

Superstar Dreaming in Toronto

eyebleaf — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 08:56:00 -0500

I watched a lot of Joe Thornton this past week—on Tuesday, when his Sharks spanked our Maple Leafs, and last night on Hockey Night in Canada.

Thornton's, umm...pretty damn good.

I don't think the folks in San Jose understand just how lucky they are to have him. I don't think Joe Thornton is fully appreciated down south.

Imagine Thornton in a Leafs uniform.

As days go by, I find myself longing for a superstar. As I turn the page on the Mats Sundin years, I find myself longing for a player who can simply dominate the game.

You know, a Thornton—or a Jarome Iginla, Vinny Lecavalier, Henrik Zetterberg, or Alex Ovechkin.

Don't get me wrong—the Sundin years were tremendous. There wasn't a more consistent mother sucker than Mats to ever wear the blue and white. Sundin was who he was—a point-per-game performer. And considering the talent that he was surrounded with, that's an accomplishment in itself.

I mean, he made Mike Johnson a 20-goal scorer, for crying out loud.

But while Sundin was a "superstar," he wasn't a "superstar superstar"—you know what I'm saying?

I want a guy on the Leafs who can challenge for the Art Ross, and the Hart. I want a guy who simply, well, runs shit.

I want Joe Thornton.

And I'll be honest, I cried myself to sleep last night. Matt Stajan, after all, leads the Leafs in scoring.

Last I checked, he ain't no Thornton.

Tomas Kaberle Disrespect

eyebleaf — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 07:41:00 -0500

Tomas Kaberle was utterly disrespected and embarrassed by coach Ron Wilson last night. And I'm not f*cking happy about it.

For those of you that missed last night's quasi-late contest between the Leafs and the Phoenix Coyotes, Kaberle was in uniform, but didn't see a shift - not one - in the first period.

Apparently Ron Wilson was trying to send a message to his beleaguered defenceman. And it didn't work. Wilson's experiment was, as my good friend MF37 called it in an email after the game, an "epic failure." Kaberle saw 13:45 of action in periods two and three, and was downright awful. Can you blame him? Kabby was singled out by his coach in front of his teammates, and all of us watching on television. Wilson's brilliant plan backfired.

Before you get your panties all tied up in a knot, let me be the first to admit that Kaberle hasn't been playing up to the standards expected of him this season. He's performed poorly. On numerous occasions over the last couple of months, after another puck has found its way into the back of the Maple Leafs' net, I've texted my brother asking him, "what was Kaberle doing on that play?!?"

But that doesn't give Wilson the right to humiliate Tomas in front of all of his teammates. Believe me, I get that Wilson is trying to send his message of accountability far and wide, but why wasn't Kaberle banished to the press box, much like Matt Stajan and Jason Blake were earlier in the season?

I honestly would have had no problem with that. I do have a problem with Kaberle, one of Toronto's leaders, suiting up and sitting on the bench for 40 minutes, freezing his Czech Republican ass off.

It was a disgusting move on Wilson's part. A part of me honestly believes that embarrassing Kaberle was a way to force his hand. A way to make sure that he agrees to waive his no trade clause when he's inevitably asked to do so.

Kabby's only human, just like you and I. He feels pain. Imagine how he felt setting on the bench. Surely his Maple Leafs career was flashing before his very eyes. Imagine how he felt in the dressing room in the first intermission. Surely he was thinking about the no-trade in his clause in his contract. Imagine how he felt trying to look his teammates in the eye. Kabby deserved more than that.

Unbelievably, it actually got worse for Tomas. It wasn't enough for Wilson to bench him, and then have him play like the second coming of Andy Wozniewksi. Nope, Wilson had to take a shot at him after the game as well. When asked if he was trying to send a message to #15, Wilson said yes, and that Kabby sent a message back with his -3 performance. In my humble and pissed off opinion, Wilson set Kaberle up to fail last night, and then had the nerve to call him out in the media. Stay classy, Ron, you asshole.

I've also got to voice my disappointment in some of my fellow Leafs fans over at PPP, who seem to, as MF37 put it, take a "perverse delight" in seeing my main man Kaberle struggle, and get benched. You guys know who you are. I guess it pleases you to see another member of our beloved team reach his lowest value in terms of a trade. Bring on more of the Jeff Carter and Chris Pronger references, fellas. That shit never gets old.

Clearly it's Tomas Kaberle's fault that Toronto can't keep the puck out of their own net. Clearly it's Kabby's fault that Toskala's sporting a pathetic .882 save percentage. Clearly it's Tomas' fault the Leafs can kill only 75 percent of their penalties.

I love how Ron Wilson preaches to the choir about accountability, while he coaches the worst defensive team in hockey. Where's his accountability?

I'm off Wilson. Huge.

Deep Thoughts Vol. 15: Dark Days

eyebleaf — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 07:55:00 -0500

It's been a rough 48 hours in Toronto—my city, and my home.

Teams are losing, owners are dying, hard-working people are getting laid off, and coaches are getting fired.

Me? I blame the economy.

Farewell SMitch

Bryan Colangelo finally dropped the hammer. You know, no word of a lie, I woke up Wednesday morning knowing that Mitchell was in the final hours of his tenure as lead Raptor. After Tuesday night's epic fail, the writing was on the proverbial wall.

This one falls into the "You can't fire the players, so you've got to fire the coach" category, period. Colangelo had to do something, especially after the Denver Nuggets ran roughshod all over his team. That might have been the most embarrassing 48 minutes in Toronto basketball history.

There are a lot of people in Toronto who are happy today, and celebrating Mitchell's departure. I read a lot of shit on Facebook last night, "Good riddance Uncle Sam," "This is where I become a Raptors fan," "Finally! I can start cheering for the Raps again!" To these people I say: you're an idiot, your anger and frustration is aimed at the wrong person.

Bryan Colangelo is the one to blame. Yes, the same Bryan Colangelo whom I have perfomed verbal fellatio on many times in this very space. Like I said, the honeymoon is over.

Just look at the Toronto roster. Even with Chris Bosh playing like a man possessed, Jose Calderon playing like, well, Jose Calderon, and Andrea Bargnani playing decent ball, the team still stinks. The worry about Colangelo's prized offseason possession Jermain O'Neal was that he can't stay healthy—and, surprise surprise, he can't. And the problem on the wing has been evident since opening night.

Not even Red Auerbach himself could get the Raptors to meet the lofty, yet extremely unrealistic, expectations that have been placed on them.

Coaching, in my humble opinion, can only go so far. The Raptors plain and simple can't defend. The team is allowing more than 100 points a game, and I don't think that's because of Mitchell's defensive schemes. Sam isn't the one out on the court falling for every single goddamn pump fake.

Is Jay Triano the answer? I love him, but only to the Jeopardy question "Who was the first Canadian head coach of an NBA team?"

On an aside, anyone else kind of miss T.J. Ford, and 48 minutes of glorious point-guard play? I do. Largely because Will Solomon is the devil.

I'm going to miss Sam. I'll miss his personality, his candor. He was good people. It's unfortunate the SMitch era had to come to an end this way, and that Raptors fans are taking petty parting shots at him as he leaves town. They don't speak for all of us, Sam.

And I would also like to point out that, for the record, the fellas over at The Passion That Frustrates Us All saw SMitch's firing coming from a mile away. Bastards.

Man, that 2007 division title feels like it was 10 years ago, doesn't it?

R.I.P. Mr. Rogers

Toronto Blue Jays owner Ted Rogers had his last contract expire early Tuesday morning. He was 75 years old. May the media mogul rest in peace.

Uncle Teddy was a shrewd businessman, and God knows his family is well taken care of. I mean, have you ever stopped to think how much money Rogers Wireless makes just off the mysterious System Access Fee?

In all seriousness, there were times years ago when the fate of the Blue Jays was in question. Were it not for Rogers and his deep pockets, this city could very well have lost its baseball team. So, thank you, Uncle Ted. May the family name continue to prosper.

Holiday Cheer

Hours after the team's owner checked out for the afterlife, the Blue Jays showed 24 front-office employees the door. Yes, the Christmas spirit is alive and well down at the Rogers Centre. Make sure to swing by the Cable Box when you're out singing Oh Holy Night.

Fucking economy. I'm scared.

"They Are Who We Thought They Were!"

Really, is there a more apt quote than that from Dennis Green about the San Jose Sharks? That's one sexy hockey team. I won't lie, I fantasized about them last night.

Go West, Mats Sundin

eyebleaf — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 07:49:00 -0500

Like the Pet Shop Boys said, life is peaceful there.

Peaceful, as in, across the country from the Toronto media, and a few bitter Maple Leafs fans. And that jersey looks familiar. Blue and white, with just a touch of green.

I know what you're thinking—"Here we go again." But as Sundin's Secretary of Defence, I've got to weigh in once more on everyone's favourite former captain.

Now that the man, the myth, and the legend known as Brian Burke has officially landed in town—"it's one small step for man, but one giant leap for the Maple Leafs"—Sundin is back in the news. Apparently, the Leafs don't exactly fit the profile of team he's looking to join.

Well, no shit.

Mats is 37. He'll be 38 in February. It's December. I don't see him suiting up for game action until January. He's looking for a place to play for four months. Of course he's not coming to Toronto. Why would he? The Leafs are terrible.

Once again, however, Leafs fans are chastising him. Now that it's looking like his Leafs career is truly over, the vultures are back, and circling. Chemmy, one of the great Pension Plan Puppeteers, had this to say after Burke said Sundin likely won't be coming back to the nest:

"Fuck Sundin. Way to not take a deadline trade, like an asshole."

That comment gets to me. I mean, really gets to me. That sense of entitlement. That Sundin, because he was asked, owed it to us, all of us Toronto Maple Leafs fans out there, to accept a trade out of town when he didn't want to go.

You know why he didn't want to go? Because he believed that the team—his team—could still make the playoffs. Yeah, what an asshole.

Of course, fans like Chemmy will argue that at issue is not the fact that Sundin is not returning, but that he is looking for short-term employment elsewhere. Mats did say, after all, that he did not want to be a rental player, and that he wanted to be a part of the "journey" from day one.

I'll be the first to admit that I can't much defend those statements. No matter where Sundin signs, he will be a rental player. And he will not have been a part of the journey since day one.

But, hey, that's life. Things change. Sometimes things don't work out the way we plan for them to work out. Deal with it. Let it go.

Perhaps Sundin really did think he would return to Toronto. Perhaps he believed he really was ready for retirement. The truth is, we'll never know.

None of this, however, tarnishes Sundin's legacy in these eyes. And it shouldn't in yours. Mats went down with the sinking ship. Don't forget that.

And Brian Burke is right. Sundin's a better man for staying on the sidelines this season instead of collecting a paycheck when his heart isn't in the game.

My good friend MF37 over at Bitter Leaf Fan Page has, amidst all the Sundin fallout, been asking a great question—where's the hatred for Darcy Tucker? I was as big a Tucker fan as they came, but I'm beginning to ask myself that question as well. Why are people still all over Sundin, when Tucker also didn't waive his no-trade clause, and saddled the Leafs with a cap hit?

Tucker, while a warrior, was a perpetual minus hockey player. He had become a one-trick pony on the power play, and a liability five-on-five. The Leafs are now paying $1 million a year against the salary cap for him not to play in Toronto, and will be until 2013. Yet everyone's still pissed at Sundin, who only went about his point-per-game business for, oh, the last 15 God damn years, because he wouldn't leave.

It's unbelievable, really, how fans in this town think sometimes.

I've got no issues with Sundin joining Montreal, New York, or Chicago. But I want him to become a Canuck. Although the fellas at CoxBloc would probably disagree, Vancouver's a wonderful city. A laid-back Toronto, some say.

The Canucks are sitting atop the Northwest Division, and Sundin would look great between the Sedin sisters. When Roberto Luongo comes back from his injury, the Canucks could really use Mats' offence down the stretch.

It pains me that I never got to properly say goodbye to Mats, but it's cool. I want him to go west. I want him to try and win that Cup. I'm truly beginning to think that, thanks to a few petty, bitter fans in this city, we don't deserve him anyway.

That's All She Wrote...The Buffalo Bills' Playoff Hopes are Officially Dashed

eyebleaf — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 16:45:00 -0500

For the Toronto Buffalo Bills, after an embarrassing 10-3 loss to the God damn San Francisco 49ers, the Bills can kiss their once-promising playoff hopes goodbye.

Seriously, the 49ers? The 3-8 49ers? At the frigid Ralph? You've got to be kidding me.

And what the hell is a 49er anyway?

All of a sudden the Bills are dead last in the AFC East. Yes, looking up in the standings at even the Miami Dolphins. It's pretty clear that another team that I lovingly and wholeheartedly support will not be going to the playoffs. Shocking. Absolutely shocking. I blame the universe.

For the Bills, it's nine years and counting since they last played in the postseason. They're no Toronto Blue Jays (15 years, and counting), but they're well on their way.

I need a drink.

Sharing Is Caring

eyebleaf — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 14:13:00 -0500

That's what I was taught since I was but a little tyke and, dammit, my mother raised me right.

With that life lesson in mind, I urge you, all my fellow baseball, Toronto Blue Jays, and Roy Halladay fans, to go and check out A Day in the Life Existence of Roy Halladay, penned by Ghostrunner on First's Lloyd the Barber.

It is, as The Tao of Stieb wrote in the comments, the "post of the year." The Ack left a gem in the comments section too, so make sure you check it out as well.

My favourite part of Doc's day would have to be his 5:45 AM workout:

"Begin first set of daily calisthenics. Strap on aerobic truck tire and attach 14 pounds of raw, bloodied steak to said truck tire. Release hounds. Run. Collect and kennel starving, exhausted dogs."

Lloyd the Barber and The Reverend hold it down over at Ghostrunner on First. The blog, definitely one of the better Blue Jays ones out there, has also joined TheScore.com's Sports Federation, and the words above their new site advertisements ring true throughout all the lands: "Eatin ain't Cheatin'." Good on you, fellas.

Go and read the post, and add the Ghostrunner to your RSS. That post, it's why we blog. It's why we read blogs. You're not going to find that type of golden material anywhere but on Al Gore's internet.

*Picture courtesy of Sportsnet.ca. Don't sue me, yo.

How To Fix the Toronto Maple Leafs

eyebleaf — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 08:15:00 -0500

Ask my fellow Maple Leafs followers about this year's squad and you're sure to get back one response: "The team sure is fun to watch!"

You know what? Screw "fun."

I don't know what's fun about watching my team let in three, four, five, and six goals every night. I don't know what's fun about leading the league in goals against, and having the league's worst shorthanded unit.

You know what's a lot of fun? Defence. Even more fun than that? Killing a penalty.

I know, the Leafs' goaltending has been bad. OK, worse than that. Downright Raycroftian. Vesa Toskala and Curtis "Old Yeller" Joseph have collaborated on a 3.51 goals against average, and a .869 save percentage. Joseph's stats, frightening to begin with, actually got worse after last night's shelling.

He's now sporting a tidy 3.95 GAA and an .851 save percentage. Even Raycroft is laughing at him. As was discussed over at Pension Plan Puppets, "Old Yeller" Cujo needs to be put down.

Our "magicians of the meshed mansions," as Joe Bowen would say, are not getting the job done. They are brutal. But the goalie in me isn't going to sit back and let my peeps in the blue paint shoulder all the blame. Where's the help?

The Leafs, as has been the norm post-lockout, are atrocious defensively, and once again look lost beyond their own blue line.

Where's the coaching? I thought Ron Wilson was a defence-oriented cat. Did I read the wrong memo? Right now I can't tell the difference between Wilson and Paul Maurice.

Look, I know we're rebuilding. I know this team isn't very good. I have no problem with losing, as long as the effort is there. I'd just rather lose 2-1, than 6-3. I mean, it's infuriating to see this Leafs team spot their opposition two-nothing leads on the regular, and blow three-nothing leads and lose in overtime.

It's maddeningly frustrating to see the Leafs dead last in penalty killing efficiency, with a 73.5 percent "success" rate. If 23 other teams can be at the 80 percent or better mark, why can't we?

Where is the defensive accountability?

What makes the Leafs' struggles in their own end all the more difficult to swallow is the fact that, one quarter into the season, this team has proven it can score. Toronto is one of only eight teams averaging over three goals a game.

I think Ron Wilson has done great things in the dressing room. He's brought change, Obama style. I loved how he benched Matt Stajan, and now has him playing the best hockey of his life. Wilson keeps it real and, if you're not performing (see Blake, Jason), you're not playing.

But Mr. Wilson has failed to deliver on his promise to make the Leafs a tougher team to play against, especially on home ice. The personnel has changed, but the results are just more of the same: fishing the puck out of the back of the net on a regular basis.

And, let me tell you, I'm not finding it much fun to watch.

On Brian Burke

Speaking of fun, to no one's surprise, it's all but official now. I don't know what the hell took so long either.

One thing: only in Toronto can the interim general manager make a trade the day before the savior is hired. Definitely only in Toronto. You know how we do!

I'm torn on Mr. Burke. I'll be honest, what scares me the most is that high atop his priority list will be shipping Tomas Kaberle out of town. Burke's an intimidating cat. I don't doubt for a second that he'll "convince" Kabby to waive his no-trade clause.

I know Kabby hasn't had a fantastic season so far, but the thought of him leaving, regardless of what we get in return, pains me greatly.

No matter, I do welcome Burke to town with open arms. Let's see what he can do. After the tenure of John Ferguson Jr., things can only get better.

JFJ took us to hell. We've seen it. We've endured. We've survived. When you're at the bottom, the only place left to go is up. Do your thing, Brian.

Wendel Clark: the Anti Roy

eyebleaf — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 07:38:00 -0500

Wendel Clark was honoured by the Toronto Maple Leafs on Saturday night, but not because he won multiple Stanley Cups, or had a Hall of Fame type career. Nope, Wendel was honoured because of the way he played the game.

If there was ever a guy who played hockey "the right way," it was Clark. It's probably the ultimate sports cliche, but Wendel left everything out on the ice, every single time he stepped on it.

No matter how bad some of those Toronto Maple Leafs teams were back in the day, and some of them were really, really bad, Clark played every game as if it were game seven of the Stanley Cup finals; as if it were his last.

Patrick Roy was also honoured on Saturday night by Montreal, and rightfully so. He had one hell of a career. Arguably the greatest goalie to ever play the game. Quite the resume: four Stanley Cups, three Conn Smythe trophies, and three Vezina trophies.

But you know how I'll remember him? As a douchebag, for pulling that shit in Montreal back on December 2nd, 1995. You remember, don't you? That fateful night, when he was absolutely pounded by the Detroit Red Wings, and when his career with the Habs came to a crashing halt.

Patrick Roy. What a drama queen, what a diva, and what a quitter. Roy actually had the nerve, right after he was yanked from the game and still on the bench, to walk up to the team president of les Canadiens and say that he'd never again play for le bleu, blanc et rouge. It still amazes me. And all because his personal pride took a little bit of a spanking.

Poor guy, that Roy. Somebody pass me the Kleenex.

You know what else I'll remember about St. Patrick? His decision to not play for Team Canada at the 2002 Olympics. You know, because he wasn't handed the starting goaltending job, on a silver fucking platter, from the get go.

Classy guy, that Roy.

Patrick and Wendel. Two men, with two very different narratives, honoured by two storied hockey clubs.

Roy had to be reaccepted by the Canadiens family for it to go down. Fucking drama queen. Clark loved being a Toronto Maple Leaf so much he came back home. Twice. He was a Maple Leaf. To the core of his being, It's what defines him.

That's the difference between the two men. Roy played for himself. While, Wendel Clark never, not once, thought of himself as bigger than the Toronto Maple Leafs, or his teammates, or the game. He was a warrior on the ice, but he played with humility, and it was on full display once again during Saturday night's ceremony. No matter what Rosie DiManno says, Clark deserved his moment at centre ice.

You know how I'll remember Wendel Clark? As the ultimate team player. I'll remember Wendel's wrist shots, and his thundering body checks, and I'll remember him as the farm boy from Saskatchewan who captured the big city's collective heart. Most of all though, I'll remember Clark as the guy who played for the logo on his jersey, the Maple Leaf, instead of the name on his back.

Thanks for the memories, Wendel. Number 17 looks great up in the rafters, where it belongs, for all eternity.

I'm assuming by now that you've checked out the full list, the Top 17 Wendel Clark Moments, over at Down Goes Brown. If you haven't, what the fuck are you waiting for? It's a wonderful trip down memory lane. And take some Kleenex, because something is going to, uh, get caught in your eye.

Oh, and props out to Down Goes Brown for joining TheScore.com's new Sports Federation. I may not agree with the man on many fronts, but that doesn't mean I don't know his blog is one of the best out there. And we all gotta pay the bills. Good on you, DGB.

Ron Wilson Hates Alex Steen

eyebleaf — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 07:42:00 -0500

Ian White played 17:04 in last night's loss to the first-place (!) Boston Bruins. In stark contrast, Alex Steen saw only 09:58 of ice time.

As much as Matt Stajan has made strides this season, Alex Steen has regressed. It's cause for concern.

I understand that Steen isn't being put in offensive situations, but in a rebuilding year where development is priority number one, shouldn't he be? Steen's got the potential to be a top six forward and in order for him to become one, he's got to play.

So what's the deal, why isn't Steen playing more? Did he call Ron Wilson a pimp, or something? I'd love to hear coach explain. As great as Wilson has been, the facts don't lie, and this Leafs team isn't all that good. Sure, we can score, but the defence sucks and the penalty killing is atrocious. It pains me to say it, but Damien Cox is on to something, and Wilson doesn't deserve a free ride.

No way, not when the team is killing penalties only 72% of the time (I just threw up in my mouth). And, yes, I know, the goaltending has been pretty awful. But still. I think it's time we put down our Wilson Kool-Aid cups.

I'm not sure what the options are when it comes to Alex. I don't think he can be sent to the minors. Frankly, I don't want him to be. The guy can play in the NHL, and is paid accordingly to do so. I think it's simply a case of him not being used appriopriately. I mean, I can't imagine Steen was signed to a two-year, $3.4 million contract to play on the fourth line.

It's amazing that only three years ago Steen and Kyle Wellwood were seen as the cornerstones of the Leafs franchise moving forward. Now Welly, lost for bloody nothing in return, is scoring goals out west and Steen's playing less than 10 minutes a game. It's screwed up. Who's to blame—players or coaches and management? I'll let you decide, but I'm pretty confident you know which way I'm leaning.

I don't want the Leafs to give up on Steen. They'll regret it if they do. But he's got to play, and it's as simple as that. I doubt his confidence has ever been lower. As much as I love Jason Blake, he played 18 minutes last night.

Wouldn't it make sense for Steen to see that amount of ice time, and get his confidence back where it needs to be? Steen surely needs the minutes more than Blake does, and definitely has a brighter future with the Leafs, three or four years down the road, than No. 55.

Play Steen, Ron Wilson. Play the heck out of him. Losses be damned.

And Vesa, how about some freaking saves? Jesus.