Bleacher Report - Articles by Joe Schmoe

Further Debunking Jim Tressel's Undeserved Rap

Joe Schmoe — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:21:14 -0500

“Hey, Dad! Can I take the Lexus out on the road and cut some wheelies in the snow drifts?”

That was a proposal made to Ohio State coach Jim Tressel last Saturday by his star quarterback, Terrelle Pryor.

Oh, I don’t think those were his exact words. But you get the meaning. Maybe you’ve been there yourself on one side or the other of that equation.

What brought on this family discussion, into which some of Coach Tressel’s next-door neighbors in the ‘Shoe stuck their noses, was a decision whether to attempt a first down conversion on fourth down and short against a powerful Iowa team.

But you have to back up one play to appreciate the fatherly decision.

On third and short, the Buckeye ball carrier fumbled. He didn’t fumble for long. In fact he recovered his own miscue. But in doing so he took a step backwards, and now it was fourth and short.

Pryor ran toward the sideline to no doubt express his genuine belief that either he could sneak the ball over the line, or let his 6-foot, 6-inch frame fall forward to accomplish same, or maybe let one of the backs do the job.

The Delphic oracles in the bleachers grabbed their crystal balls and immediately saw that Pryor was right. Not only would the Bucks, who incidentally were mired in their own part of the field at the time, succeed. They predicted that the very act would change the game’s momentum.

“Heck, let’s even fake out the nation’s 10th best passing defense with an aerial play!”

“Our team will head on down the field to score. There will be no stopping us. We’ll run up the score and then in the fourth quarter Grandma and Uncle Larry can come in and have some fun, too.”

Meanwhile, Dad Tressel was quickly running the scenario through his analytical mind, and responding to Pryor:

“Let’s see. We’re on our side of mid-field, the game is close, and our opponent is one of the top teams in the nation.”

“There is plenty of time left. Our defense is outstanding. We don’t have a lengthy history of punts being blocked. The risks in this particular case exceed the benefits.”

“Oh, and did I mention that YOU GUYS JUST FUMBLED ON THE LAST PLAY?”

“Ah, but gee-whiz Dad. It won’t happen again. Promise.”

Pryor accepted the Tressel’s rational decision the same way I did when my old man told me I wasn’t getting the car keys that night. He snapped off his toboggan … er, helmet, and headed for his room … er, bench.

“Show me you can drive in a snowstorm, and next week you’ll get the keys back”, Dad yelled in parting.

But leave it to the all-seeing boo birds and the Nostradamus wannabes to stir up the rest of the neighborhood about that stodgy, “conservative” old Tressel household.

If you’re anything like me, Coach, you’ll ignore them and keep winning.

Give Jim Tressel That Iowa-Ohio State Game Ball

Joe Schmoe — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:01:44 -0500

Thanks, Coach Tressel, for your rational methodology. The type of thinking that engineered the latest Ohio State victory and allowed thousands like me to start planning a Pasadena vacation.

Oh, I know. Your detractors don’t call it “rational methodology.” To them you’re Mr. Conservative, a title formerly reserved for another Buckeye...the late Senator Robert A. Taft. They deride you for allegedly uninspiring play calling.

Obviously they don’t know the difference between rationality, the state of having good sense and sound judgment, and conservatism, the opposition to innovation or change. Woody Hayes was conservative. You, Jim Tressel, are no Woody Hayes clone.

Let’s turn the calendar back a few days and take a look inside your rational mind as you prepare for the most important game of the Buckeyes’ season, the one in which a victory will put your squad into a BCS bowl.

You analyze the street gossip. Vegas pundits place the Bucks as a three touchdown favorite over Iowa.

The press, bloggers and fans accordingly foresee a blowout. The game as pictured by some dreamers has Terrelle Pryor passing for 200 yards and running for 100 more.

After all, Iowa’s starting quarterback is injured. Some think the freshman backup will be in tears the minute he takes the field before 105,000 fanatics. Your Bucks are coming off the sound beating of a similar team, Penn State.

Such fortunate circumstances might merit turning Terrelle Pryor loose, they whisper in your ear. Their flawed logic shrills that times like this call for someone they perceive to be Rush Limbaugh to become Al Franken.

But the cool, rational, unemotional man I picture you to be is reminding staff that an untested Southern Cal freshman led his team to victory at the ‘Shoe earlier this year.

As a part-time college professor who knows the importance of doing one’s homework, you’ve been busy studying statistics. You note that the FBS sub-division team with the most pass interceptions coming into the game is…ta da…the Iowa Hawkeyes.

You look back at recent history and recall how many times TP was picked off at Purdue, a team half as volatile as Iowa. And speaking of mistakes, you worry that Iowa doesn’t make many. It’s fifth among FBS teams in fewest penalties per game.

Then you start drafting a game plan. We’re not going to beat them passing, you muse. They’re 48th in the nation in passing offense, more than twice as proficient as we.

And even if we do go by air, they’re 10^th in the nation in passing defense. You recall that Toledo, a team OSU trounced, has one of the highest ranked passing offenses in the nation. A rare smile forms as you proclaim, “let the Hawks have the skies.”

The punting and kicking games for both teams are about even, but you fret about whether Devin Barclay will be up to the caliber of starter Aaron Pettrey, who has connected from as far away as 54 yards.

You and your assistants huddle to review team strengths and weaknesses. We’re great at rushing you’re reminded. Ranked 22nd in the nation compared to Iowa’s 98th. And both Brandon Saine and Dan Herron are healthy.

The discussion gets further into gear when you stress that more importantly, we are really, really good at defense.

Against the rush we’re No. 4. Sure, Iowa is good on pass defense. But when you consider total defense, we’re fifth behind some pretty good teams: Texas, Florida, Alabama and TCU.

What is your worst fear? Turnovers. So you put an arm around a young quarterback whom you love like a son and explain how your game plan is going to avoid miscues and stress defense and the rushing game. That’s why they call you Coach “Stressel.”

You remind him of the reason you were hired as head football coach of The Ohio State University.

It wasn’t to be an entertainer who ignores the basics and goes for the catch-as-catch-can thrill of the pass, or sates the crowd’s demands for the suspense of fourth and one. Your job is to continue a winning tradition.

***********************

Now let’s get back to the present. The other reason you were hired was to beat Michigan, our next opponent.

Right now you’re reviewing tapes and preparing game-day strategy. You notice that both teams have good rushing offenses (Michigan 21st and OSU 22nd), and that Michigan has a respectable edge in the passing category.

You’re not too worried about their field goal kicker, but you respect their punter, Zoltan Mesko, sixth best in the FBS and averaging 44.65 yards. Field position might well go to Michigan. And aggravating that advantage will be the presence of kick return specialist Darryl Stonum, averaging 26.06 returns yards.

You discount the disadvantage of playing before the large Michigan crowd since your guys did just fine before a whiteout at Happy Valley.

But you worry that you and your Buckeyes will face a team with absolutely nothing to lose, and bragging rights and probably a bowl bid if they win.

You consider the advantages that the Wolverines have going for them, and wonder if you can motivate your own team against a six-loss squad.

Finally you spot a chink in their armor. They allow almost 165 yards a game rushing.

In the end, you and your staff come down to this: Establish the running game. Run down the clock. And by all means do not turn over the ball. If fate is kind and we run up the score via conventional means by halftime, then maybe we can have a little fun.

Some would call it a conservative plan. I think it is the product of an intelligent, rational thinker...Jim Tressel, winner.

Ohio State Buckeye Offense: One Man Show, One Man Target

Joe Schmoe — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 01:09:02 -0400

As was the case with many Buckeye fans Saturday, my evil thoughts started just 25 seconds into the meltdown at Purdue. Terrelle Pryor coughed up the first of his three fumbles on his own 20-yard line. The Boilermakers recovered, but were held to a field goal by a still-tenacious OSU defense.

Maybe, I mused, Terrelle was a ringer when tabbed as the nation’s top high school quarterback. Maybe the No. 1 college football prospect in the Class of 2008 should have focused on his other love, basketball, where dribbling the ball is expected.

Maybe some scouts from the ranking services are laughing their asses off over the way three Big Ten schools gushed over a recruit who finally pledged to, as he called it at his high school press conference, the “University of Ohio State” (that and the Vick eye shadow incident explain a lot in themselves).

But I can’t put much blame on Terrelle Pryor for this loss, despite his losing two of those fumbles and tossing two interceptions. Yes, one fumble led to a Purdue field goal. One interception led to a Boilermaker touchdown. Ten points given away in a game decided by just eight.

Ray Small’s kickoff return fumble on his own 13-yard line donated another three points to the opposition.

But what can you expect when 89% of your offense was Terrelle Pryor? The man generated 255 yards of the Buckeyes’ total of 287. He and he alone kept the Bucks in this game. It was embarrassing for the nation’s seventh ranked football team to lose to a 1-5 squad. But without Pryor’s fine effort we’d be held in worse contempt.

All Purdue coach Danny Hope had to do was advise his team to keep their eyes on Pryor. Put on blinders and focus on the big quarterback. He’s easy to spot. He won’t be ducking behind linemen. And ignore those other guys in the backfield. They won’t do much damage.

That advice would be right on the money considering that a piddling 32 yards of offense came from Brandon Saine’s seven rushing attempts. It was like there were no other running backs on the OSU side of the ball. For a while I thought the Buckeyes had come up with some new sort of formation: The “Phantom L.”

Coach Jim Tressell, you should have followed my advice on how to take the heat off Pryor (see my previous posting “Making Better Use of Terrelle Pryor: The Joe Schmoe Plan”). At this moment the Minnesota Gophers are thinking they, too, know how to beat the Bucks next Saturday in Columbus.

The Gophers fell to Penn State 20-0 attempting to stop a varying stable of rushers. Too many guys to keep up with. At bare minimum, Joe Paterno’s team always has “two” many guys. But in Columbus next week, all the opponents have to do to shut down the OSU offense is watch, follow and attack Terrelle Pryor.

We’ve heard all kinds of excuses for the recent lack of scoring: Injuries, the flu, the dog ate the playbook. Coach, you’ve got a great prospect in Pryor, no doubt about it. The guy would run himself to death to win. Some future year he may still become a Heisman candidate.

Right now Pryor needs some attention-getting-devices to distract and disrupt opposing linemen. I’d start thinking about rotating some of those highly touted frosh running backs with Saine.

Better yet, move Pryor to running back in tandem with Saine. Put Joe Bauserman in as quarterback, even if only for a series or two and see how it fares. Let Joe head up a wildcat that gives Pryor the time he needs to throw or run.

Now that we are barely in contention for the Big Ten championship, use the next two games to work on a multi-facet offense. Posing some options to the opposing defense will ultimately slow them down and create holes for Pryor the runner as well as open up passing routes.

But the problem with the present one-man team is that opponents only have to shoot at one target.

Making Better Use of Terrelle Pryor: The Joe Schmoe Plan

Joe Schmoe — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 21:03:07 -0400

Bad news for us Buckeye fans hoping to see our team garner a fifth straight Big Ten title and a trip to a major bowl. The exciting OSU offense appeared in Saturday's game with Wisconsin for only 17 minutes, eking out just 184 yards and only 10 points.

That won’t cut it against Penn State, Iowa and even Michigan. Today, the defense and special teams once again rescued us from defeat. But you can’t count on interceptions and 96-yard kickoff returns to win every crucial game.

And so, I’d like to present my Joe Schmoe Plan to win the big games. It makes better use of Terrelle Pryor, gives backup quarterback Joe Bauserman and others experience, and solves the running back problem.

First, move Pryor into a running back position. In the quarterback position, substitute anyone who can think—preferably one of the five players listed at that position on the team roster.

When I say “think”, I mean someone who can quickly assess the status of his receivers and decide whether to pass or run. Pryor’s alleged 4.33 time makes him the fastest man on the team, but he takes almost as much time as my bridge partner Walter to decide which card to play. So shouldn’t the speed-runner be a running back, and the speed-reader be the quarterback?

Sure, it would be a gamble injury-wise to start both Pryor and Bauserman. But my hunch is that any of those freshman listed at quarterback—Barnet, Guiton, Oltorik or Siems—can read faster than TP.

All they have to do is check out the landscape, taking the pressure of Pryor, then opt to (1) toss a short pass to a receiver or (2) pitch a lateral to Pryor. TP then has the option of running the ball or tossing it downfield himself.

Hopefully, by the time Pryor gets the ball, the line has had time to set up blocking for his fine open field gait, or TP has perhaps finally found someone in the open. A third option is that Pryor’s height makes him a huge target for a speed-reading quarterback.

Bauserman would be my pick to play quarterback in the Joe Schmoe Plan. If he gets injured? Well, we can always revert to Pryor, who is so big that it’s difficult for defenders to damage him. And having Pryor as a running back takes the heat off the injury-prone Dan Herron.

Who knows? A Brandon Saine-Terrelle Pryor tandem might make a difference.

Is it too late in the season to initiate the Joe Schmoe Plan? No. We’ve got Purdue and Minnesota, and then New Mexico State to use for guinea pigs.

It’s either that or toss a flu-infested blanket into the opposing teams’ locker rooms in hope their offenses will be made as slow on the take as ours.

Keep College Football's Excessive Gloating Penalty!

Joe Schmoe — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 11:47:15 -0400

Remember that flick "A League of Their Own?" The one in which Tom Hanks informs his right fielder, “There’s no crying in baseball!”

Well, there’s no gloating in college football. At least there shouldn’t be.

Nowadays, we fans are guilty of glossing over the gloating. We’ve somehow perverted it into the more honored term “celebration.” But it’s still gloating.

It’s the same thing as taunting, or rubbing the other guy’s nose in it, or stepping on his back as you perform a choreographed clog in the end zone. Excessive dissing...er, “celebration”...should and will get you penalized in the NCAA.

If you want to dance, get a tutu and join the Bolshoi. If you want to leap onto a scrum-like pile, buy some shorts and join a rugby club. If you can’t keep your emotions in check, get a room.

Years ago, when both amateur and professional football players were gentlemen, there was no after-touchdown prancing around like a gaggle of gushing girls at a teenage slumber party. One merely made sure the referee got the ball and then accepted a handshake or pat on the back from teammates as he quickly headed back to the bench.

The idea was to let the fans celebrate. Their ecstatic cheers were sufficient emoting.

Things changed. Scoring a touchdown became a demonstrative thing. Apparently, some newcomers confused that act with the one that’s accompanied by an orgasmic display of emotion.

I can appreciate where you’re coming from. I just hope you can understand why athletic showiness isn’t rewarded by mainstream America. College football is not as much about you and your unbridled fervor as it is about sportsmanship and setting a good example to the youngsters who idolize you.

Players and fans should remember that gloating is bipolar. It’s fickle. Often it backfires, and the needle swings 180 degrees south to payback time.

Recall the 2007 BCS Championship game in which Ohio State’s Ted Ginn, Jr. ran back the opening kickoff through a chagrined team of Florida Gators 92 yards for a touchdown.

It just wasn’t enough for the Buckeye squad to applaud him or yell their appreciation for his talent. Nope, a few players had to gloat by piling onto the hapless Ginn, spraining his left foot. (Roy Hall, I love you man, but if I had been Jim Tressel, you would have run wind sprints in the parking lot at halftime until you puked.)

Ginn, Troy Smith’s favorite target and arguably the fastest man on that field, had to leave the game. The Bucks’ premature celebration helped fire up the Gators, and the old gloat needle turned south in a hurry.

You would think players would learn from history. Maybe coaches should offer a Football History 101 course. Heck, they might even get the accreditation people to go along with it.

But jocks have short memories.

About a year after the Ohio State fiasco, Washington’s Jake Locker engineered a brilliant 76-yard touchdown drive in the final minutes of a game against BYU, capped by Locker’s three-yard run into the end zone. All Jake had to do was the manly thing: Keep emotions in check and give the ball to the referee.

Instead, Jake tossed the ball into the air like a sweet sixteener heaving a pillow at the aforementioned slumber party. The Huskies were penalized 15 yards on the point after attempt, which the Cougars blocked to win the game.

Critics complained that football is an emotional sport and people get excited, so relax the rules. Yep, girls just gotta have fun. The heck with the PAT. Maybe we could award extra points for whichever team dances the best hully-gully or apes the best cell phone call to their girlfriend.

It’s just not the players who have taken gloating to a new level. Consider Georgia coach Mark Richt. He urged his Bulldogs to garner an excessive gloating penalty following a TD against archrival Florida.

Some hailed him as a genius of psychological warfare. I would have empowered officials to haul his butt out to the parking lot to join Roy.

When you think about it, we only remember the bad celebrations. That should be incentive enough to forgo them completely.

This summer, before our teams take the field in their initial gridiron contests, let’s pray that their coaches have emphasized the three K’s: Keep your penis in your pants. Keep the marijuana out of your Murano. Keep your gloating off the gridiron.