Bleacher Report - Articles by warren groomer

Lions Accept Federal Bailout: Unforeseen Economic Backlash Causes Panic

warren groomer — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 12:15:10 -0500

Detroit, MI - In an effort to bolster sagging ticket sales for his beleaguered NFL franchise, Lions owner William Clay Ford has accepted a $200 million Obama administration bailout designed to lower ticket prices to levels obtainable to the average fan.

"We've come to realize that certain income levels can't possibly afford to attend Lions home games," said Ford from his winter home on Grand Cayman. "With this distribution of funds over a five year period we should be able to offer upper level tickets in the $15 to $20 range."

While the Lions sit back and wait for the onslaught of season ticket requests in the "cheap seats," an unexpected backlash is occurring in Detroit's fragile, though time-tested economy.

De'quan Jefferson, a resident of Detroit's troubled east side has been attending games since 1984 and says the bailout may prevent him from doing so in the 2009 season.

"Let's face it, they suck. With an 0-16 record, it ain't easy bein' a fan, but I always came up with a way to support 'em. You can make them seats as cheap as you want, but I ain't comin' outta pocket with a nickel," said Jefferson in a storefront interview at Big Shuggie's Bar-b-que.

"Problem is, the seats in the lower level be comin' down, too and that's where the payoff is at," exclaimed a disgruntled Jefferson.

"Follow me, ya heard. I could always get a ticket up top from some working guy who got 'em from his boss who couldn't make the game. Fortunately for me, neither can the guys with the tickets 'cause they too busy workin'," said Jefferson with a toothy grin.

"I could get that ticket for a ten-pound bag of turkey necks I picked up with food stamps. At this point I got no outta pocket 'cause the food stamps ain't cost me nuthin' and the neckbones come to about $7.99 for the whole bag. I trade the neckbones for the ticket and I'm off to the game"

As Jefferson explained the complicated inner workings of the Eastside's economy, a broader picture began to unfold. "If the guy with the ticket takes a day off, he don't get paid and that starts a drag on the local economy. No kids going to movies, no extra groceries. And a ten-pound bag of neckbones sits unused in a grocery freezer."

"Who's this bailout gonna help?" asked an irrate Jefferson to anyone who would listen as we passed Martha's Package Liquors. "I could take the neckbone ticket and catch the first quarter up top. By then I know ain't nobody sitting down low and I can make a move down toward the sideline. Now $8 wortha neckbones got me in a $100 seat! That's how economics works!

"Once that $100 seat comes down to $50, there'll be mo'fo's all over down there and the day of the free upgrade be over," shouted Jefferson while slamming an empty bottle of Wild Irish Rose against the dilapidated bricks that used to house Slim Nicky's Record Store.

"What's pissin' me off is that once the beverage prices and parking start coming down, the guy with the tickets boss will start goin' to the game and the entire system breaks down."

"Now I gotta come up with $20 for a ticket, which comes outta my unemployment subsidy. That money used to go for beers, but money's tight and I'd have to make a choice and the Lions ain't it," stated a confused and disgruntled De'quan.

"My personal economics be goin' to hell over this. If I gotta buy neckbones now, they worth $7.99 and I can't get nuthin' for 'em," decried a defeated Jefferson. "I'm stuck with neckbones. Can't trade 'em for beer 'cause you need about 200 pounds of 'em and we'd have neckbones all over the damned place!"

"If you follow my math, that's about a $90 swing in the wrong direction for me, not to mention the unsold neckbones and the beer I ain't buyin' in the stadium. I'll tell 'ya this, somebody in Washington don't know dick about economics! It won't be six months before Phong's butcher shop be closin' 'cause nobody gonna have no use for no damned turkey necks!"

Hooping It Up in DC: Obama Stacks the Deck

warren groomer — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:05:41 -0500

If you caught the article in Sports Illustrated "The Audacity of Hoops", you've got to be alarmed with the newly appointed president's overt attempts to assemble the most dominate government level pick-up basketball team in the post World War II era.

The audacity of Barack Obama, I say. What does this tell the rest of the world about U.S. foreign policy?

A lot hype surrounding this bunch! Pre-polls tout this group as the best ballers to ever walk the halls of the White House and the rest of the world has begun to take notice.

The Venezuelan's aren't about to take this lying down. Early intelligence shows the cabinet to be weak in the low post, but insiders see a cabinet position for Richard Lugo, a fine Olympic center, to offset the physical play of Marvin Nicholson, Obama's campaign trip director.

Hugo Chavez won't get taken off the dribble by a bunch of Ivy League has-beens!

This whole situation wreaks of basketball imperialism and it's enough to make a third-world nation move to drastic measures.

It's no secret the Iranian's don't matchup with Arne Duncan at forward, the 6'5" co-captain at Harvard, who has three, three-on-three Hoop-It-Up titles under his belt! That'll change real quick when Oshin Sahakian takes over as the Minister Defense.

Quick feet and good hands were his forte at last year's Asian games. Obama might be a little deeper with Marvin Nicholson coming off the bench, but one things for sure, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be ready for war.

And, as if we haven't been taken into double overtime in Iraq, Hamid Karzai looks ready to load up in Afghanistan. Insider's at the CIA report the entire Afghan national team is headed for appointment in a major regime shakeup. Craig Robinson's going to need a major push from Reggie Love at the small forward position if we don't want to get bogged down in a long, protracted battle on Karzai's home court!

For a man who claims to be an "emissary for peace," the guy's certainly off to a rocky start.

Sources report YouTube video of Attorney General Eric Holder's cross-over's got the Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution, Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi so shook up he's trying to work a three-team deal with Russia's Dmitry Medvedev and Belarus's Barys Ragula to shore up a suspect front court.

He's had his problems in the past with former U.S. presidents and this massing of basketball mite by Obama could lead the always rational and peaceful supreme leader to believe total domination is just around the corner!

Was this total disregard for America's image on the global political stage? Once U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice uveils the talent that made her a standout point guard at National Cathedral School in D.C. we'll be looking at a civilization on the brink. And you thought the damage done by Jimmy Carter's bridge team was something!

Mark Sanchez's Divorce To Pete Carroll Means Changes in the Land of Plenty

warren groomer — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 12:26:36 -0500

You've heard it, I've heard it, we've all heard it before. "Can we still be friends" is the final cop-out in any relationship gone bad. That's why I feel compelled to thank Pete Carroll for throwing Mark Sanchez's clothes out the window in front of everyone in the neighborhood!

The amicable break-up is highly overrated. Being civilized when you really want to break it off in somebody is nothing more than bottling up a bunch of emotions that, if not unleashed on somebody, will sure enough lead to a cardiac episode.

No tip-toeing around someone's feelings here. Not a care in the world about bruising someone's fragile ego. Not even so much as a George Costanza favorite "It's not you, it's me." It was you, you no good skank!

Someone in the relationship usually comes up with a "can't we talk about this," but Pete's apparently done talking. You go, Pete! When it's time for them to go, no sense in whining about it.

Put them bitches in the street, 'cause another one will be along soon. You don't gotta take that from no one, Pete!

How long can this go on? Someone gets abused in the relationship and they stand there and take it like Tina Turner. And while I don't see a low-speed chase with Steve Sarkisian behind the wheel in Carroll's future (he might want to watch his back, too), Pete's happy to pick up where Ike Turner left off.

Ike was pissed and Tina knew it. Pete's pissed and now Sanchez knows it, too. If I were Sanchez, I'd refrain from dining out in the Los Angeles area.

Can the offended and disenfranchised parties continue to wish their partner the best of luck in the future, smiling on the outside while all along dying on the inside? Hell, no. Someone's got to get pimp slapped!

A good beat down in front of the rest of the hoes always sets 'em straight, just in case somebody else is thinking about stepping out.

Thanks for letting him know, Pete. He'll never make it without you anymore than Tina without Ike. Someone's got to tell them, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass." Youda man!

And let's face it—one good performance in a short dress and pantyhose in front of the home crowd in Flatbush, Tennesse, won't make a career. Ike was sure of that every bit as much as Pete knows one good Rose Bowl.

BCS Football Playoff Model Leaked

warren groomer — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:03:08 -0500

I
Eugene, Oregon - In an effort to suppress growing discontent for the current "method" of selecting college football's Division-I national champion, BCS president David Frohnmayer addressed a possible playoff system for the nation's top football programs. Forced into action after details were leaked by Kirk Herbstreit on ESPN's website, Frohnmayer hastily assembled a press conference in order to correct possible inaccuracies in the premature report.

"While we certainly would like to see a definitive answer to the often controversial results the current BCS system produces, we can, in no way, support the model currently drifting across the electronic media outlets" said a confused and agitated Frohnmayer.

"Our playoff model is a work in progress and will develop over a reasonable time frame. For a working model of the system to leak out only serves to fan sensitivities against the the current system".

A glimpse at the leaked "working model" reveals the eleven conference champions, plus Notre Dame if ranked higher than number 10 in the final rankings, or the University of Southern California if Notre Dame is not ranked inside the to 10 and is not the Champion of the PAC-10, will meet along with four "at large" selections. In the event that Notre Dame is ranked in the top 10 and USC is not the PAC-10 champion, USC would receive the first "at large" bid.

In addressing the "at large" bids Frohnmayer commented "We're certainly looking at ways to be inclusive of deserving teams and that might involve the top 16 teams in the final rankings or four "at large" bids going to the four highest ranked teams outside of the conference champions."

The report showed that, in the event that Notre Dame is ranked in the top 10 and USC is not the PAC-10 champion or ranked in the top 16, USC would receive an "at large" bid if USC is ranked inside the final top 25.

"We don't see a scenario where USC would be included under that model" said a miffed and short-tempered Frohnmayer "and certainly don't support that. They are a great program and we expect to see them there at the end. Any playoff would benefit from the inclusion of USC and we'll continue to look at plausible ways to have them involved through the "at large" assignments should they fail through other avenues".

Looking further at the report revealed that if Notre Dame is ranked in the top 10 and USC is not the PAC-10 champion or ranked in the top 16 or ranked inside the final top 25, the Rose Bowl could be resurrected as a "play in" game with USC meeting an opponent from the Big 10 that is not the conference champion or in position to receive one of the "at large" bids. The winner of the Rose Bowl would receive one of the four "at large" bids.

"It's the granddaddy of all bowl games and there's no place we'd rather be than Pasadena" said Pete Carroll by phone from his off season retreat off the southern coast of France. "We've been punished long enough for losing one game a year, albeit to unranked opponents that finish the season unranked, then playing out a weak, three bi-week schedule with no conference championship from there, but how long can this go on?

"We're consistently the best team playing at the end of the year, regardless of some perceived mid-season failure."

"It's not going to happen—I repeat, not going to happen," fumed Frohnmayer as paramedics were placed on standby for a possible unhealthy spike in blood pressure. "Under our model there is no scenario whereby the Rose Bowl would be played, regardless of USC's standing in the final Top 25 poll!"

A closer inspection of the now widespread premature report revealed that if Notre Dame is ranked in the top 10 and USC is not the PAC-10 champion or ranked in the top 16 or ranked inside the final top 25, the Rose Bowl is resurrected as a "play in" game with USC meeting an opponent from the Big 10 that is not the conference champion or in position to receive one of the "at large" bids and loses that game, USC could still receive the final "at large" bid if Kirk Herbstreit vouches for them.

I Hate Tom Brady: Five Reasons You Should Too

warren groomer — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 00:39:03 -0500

Greed, sloth, wrath...yada, yada, yada.

I know it’s one of the big seven, but I hate the guy anyway.

Envy, according to Pope Gregory, will get you a luxury box seat for the Lake of Fire Bowl. But did he have to live with Tom Brady?

You hate him too. You know it, so fess up. And the sooner you get in touch with your inner envy, the sooner you’ll feel better about waking you up in the morning.

1. He can throw a football. Yeah, I’m sure you can too. But, when your kid runs a perfect route, ten yards up the street, breaks at the ’96 Buick and heads for the mailbox; you skip it off the street and the closest player to it is the fire hydrant.

2. He can pay his child support. I know a lot of you out there probably pay it too (Ricky Jackson not included). However, he didn’t pack up half of everything he owns and move back in with mom and dad after he saw the court order! On the other hand, when your baby’s momma finishes with you, half of everything you own fits in the back of a 1992 Toyota Celica, with the back seat up.

3. He works five months a year and makes millions of dollars. Sure, it’s a year-round sport now, but can you really count training camp and working out at home? It’s like saying you’ve got a year-round gig while you’re looking for a job after you’ve been laid off, fired, or downsized. And having to go in once a week to justify that unemployment compensation benefit is more stressful than preseason football, I’ll guarantee you that!

4. The Victoria's Secret catalogue. You’ve got your reason for keeping it around the house all year, he’s got his. And his won’t get him arrested if he happens to leave the curtains open, not to mention his mom’s not going to catch him under the covers with that and a flashlight.

5. 'Till death do us part...He’ll be parting about the time he gets to the sleepwear section of the catalogue. You’ll be parting when she’s says it’s time to part. And you’ll be parting with your money, your car, your kids, your house. Hey, say hello to mom and dad for me when you get there!

Barry Bonds Case: How Do You Define Vague?

warren groomer — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 10:06:19 -0500

I happened to read an article a few days ago where Barry Bonds' lawyers asked for a dismissal of his indictment on the grounds that the questions asked by the grand jury were vague and confusing.

The article didn't go into what the questions were that might be vague and confusing, and then I got confused thinking about the 'vauge and confusing' aspect of what the lawyers were asking.

As I understand it, 'vague and confusing' refers to both vague and confusing. They must be a pair. The question would have to be both 'vague' and 'confusing'.

What if a question was just vague? Would that one be allowed? If a couple of questions were confusing, but didn't necessarily hold any vagueness to them, what is the court to do?

One of the issues expressed by Bonds' attorneys was that a lot of questions were open to broad interpretation, which made things much clearer for me, because the lawyers were really vague about what was confusing.

Being married, I understand that any question is subject to interpretation, followed by, "I'm sorry, did you say something?" Since my wife is never vague, I'm sure I must be confused!

"Did you pick up bread?" can easily be interpreted as, "Will you do me as soon as you walk through the door?"

"When are you going to cut the grass?" sounds an awful lot like, "If I wear the leather outfit..."

I understand how, "Did you knowingly use performance enhancing drugs?" can sound like something all together different. I'm just not sure what.

"Did you know your performance would be enhanced by using drugs?" Maybe, "Have you ever been to a performance while enhanced on drugs?" Or, how about "Did you know the performance of your drugs would be enhanced if you use a bong?"

Oh the things that go through one's mind when the tough questions come out!

"Did you ever have any contact with Victor Conte?" might be enough to drive a heterosexual athlete right over the edge. I was wondering how, "I've never been with another man in my life," got into the transcripts.

Especially the, "Well, just that one time in the minors. You get lonely out there and everyone was drinking. And one thing led to another..."

So, I'm all better now knowing that nothing is plain old 'black and white', and a lot of things, no matter how simple they appear, can be 'vague and confusing'.

So it must be as simple as this. Barry Bonds hit more home runs than Hank Aaron. Which raises the question...is Barry Bonds the greatest home run hitter ever?

Super Bowl Moved From Arizona—New Location Revealed

warren groomer — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:11:57 -0500

People do a lot of things on Super Bowl Sunday they wouldn’t normally do.

Drink too much? Yeah. Bet on football? Maybe just this game. Twist a fatty and sneak it in while the wife’s not paying attention? Damn right! I understand all of these game day practices, and will probably get around to all of them.

But there is one Super Bowl favorite that baffles me—guacamole.

I’ll guarantee you I’m taking a pass when that putrid, gut-wrenching, American favorite known as guacamole hits the table.

For the love of God, can someone please explain to me America’s overwhelming game day fascination with this slimy, green, edible wallpaper paste?

I’ll grant you this. If you hide a little bit in a burrito the stuff’s not bad. A little bit! Half a teaspoon—maybe.

I did some checking on this and for some reason—unknown to the CIA, Harvard think tanks and several Mexican intelligence agencies—Americans consume eight million pounds of this south-of-the–border concoction on our holiest of football days.

Eight million pounds! You’ve got to let the enormity of that number roll around in your head.

Try to picture what an eight million pound pile of guacamole looks like. I’ve changed a few diapers in my time, but not eight million pounds worth!

As of July 2007, the population of the United States was roughly 301 million. I’m sure there’s a few in that number who feel the same as me and won’t go near the stuff, even if they did manage to sneak that fatty in. Throw in 106 football players that won’t have any before the game and we might have 300 million eligible participants in this gastronomic form of intestinal genocide.

Take this one step further and throw out the infirmed, incarcerated, incapacitated, children who won't touch anything green and people who just plain don't like the stuff and that number plumets to about two million in a hurry.

I’m a public high school grad (barely) and even I figured this works out to around four pounds for every man, woman and child in this great nation.

Would you eat a 48-ounce egg roll? Hell, no! A four-pound potato? That’s about as big as the Lombardi Trophy! But somehow eight million pounds of this stuff sneaks past the taste buds of indiscriminating residents of the Estados Unidos? Unbelievable.

If you factor in babies born that day and you'd have to cram half their body weight in guacamole down their throat before they even have their first breast-feeding! A one-hundred pound woman has to gag back four percent of her body weight just to keep up with the American quota.

Figure it this way, 20 of your closest friends come over for a little Super Bowl party. So, you'll need, counting yourself, 84 pounds of avocado puree—chips not included. I can't even calculate how many bags of Tostitos that is!

The name guacamole comes from Mexican Spanish via Nahuatl ahuacamolli, from ahuacatl (avocado or literally "testicle" because of its shape) and molli (sauce). After finding this on Wikipedia, I think it's explained my aversion to avocados.

Certainly though, if you're a big fan of testicle sauce, who am I to judge?

Eventually, friends and family will depart and the sun will rise in the east, just like every other day. And if you’ve played your part in the great guacamole battle, right after that first cup of coffee, you’ll find out there's a whole new meaning to "Super Bowl"—and it isn’t in Arizona!

WVU Football: Rich Rodriguez Agrees To Pay in Full!

warren groomer — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:30:55 -0500

Expressing remorse over the escalation of the troubling situation and concern for his reputation as well as the reputations of West Virginia University and University of Michigan, Rich Rodriguez has agreed to pay WVU a sum of $4,000,000.00 as a monetary settlement owed in accordance with the former WVU head coach's contract.

Details of the negotiations are vague, however, federal mediator Ferd Robinson stated that both sides agreed have Rodriguez will deliver the money to the Morgantown campus by the end of the week.

Robinson feesl that, while Rodriguez may have gone back on his word in not honoring the tenure of his contract with West Virginia, it is his sincere desire to restore his good name by paying all monies owed, down to the penny.

In a photo released by the University of Michigan athletic department, truck drivers posed in front of the 57-truck convoy scheduled to haul the 400,000,000 pennies on their 345-mile journey from Ann Arbor to Morgantown.

The roughly 2,270,000 pounds of tin, zinc, and copper plate are scheduled to leave Ann Arbor late Friday evening after a three day loading process is complete. A logistical plan for the convoy revealed a two day travel schedule, with the coins arriving in Morgantown sometime Sunday evening. Upon arrival the Lincoln cents will be deposited in the campus football stadium.

When pressed for details about the slow pace, a spokesperson for the trucking company said that while every detail of a trip of this magnitude would normally be planned precisely, there was no way to calculate how many bathroom breaks would be required or exactly when they would occur.

Robinson further stated it is Rodriguez’s goal to have all trucks arrive in Morgantown together to avoid any suspicion that he might not pay in full.

Rodriguez, through Robinson, welcomed West Virginia administrators to count the money. However, he further feels that it would demonstrate an atmosphere of renewed trust and respect if they declined to do so. “It will all be there,” Robinson said to a press corps assembled outside the mediation site. “Coach Rodriguez also wishes to express that he will not be responsible for any broken windshields in the event that one or two of the pennies get loose on the highway.”

The Empire Strikes Back: WVU Responds to Rogriquez

warren groomer — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 16:18:59 -0500

West Virginia University President David Hardesty, Jr. exhibited class and professionalism today while pressed for answers concerning former coach Rich Rodriguez's "ass whoopin'" comments earlier this week.

"While, on a personal level, I certainly understand Coach Rodriguez's desire to entertain physical measures in an effort to retain certain amounts of monies owed this distinguished university, I cannot, on a business and contractual level sink to a point where we, as administrators, reciprocate in kind."

"Is there temptation to engage in certain levels of mano-a-mano type behavior in response to comments made in the heat of these arduous and stressful proceedings? Absolutely," stated Hardesty to the assembled body of the statewide West Virginia 4-H convention held this week in Blacksburg.

"Can we do this? Positively not!" cried Hardesty. "Tied to a bumper and skull dragged down a gravel road? Tempting, but not in the realm of rational thought. Doused in honey and left to the fire ants? Intriguing, but obviously outside the scope of behavior for sane and caring men. Dare I say we go so far as to cane him in an Asian style ritual of punishment for wrongs committed against us? We cannot. We, as West Virginians, will pursue every legal avenue to recoup what is rightfully ours."

Those in attendance were left to ponder in which direction Hardesty would lead the university in its pursuit of contractual justice.

"Our plan," continued the West Virginia president, "will be to seek justice through ongoing negotiations with our former coach and the University of Michigan. Through the use of mediators we hope to resolve this matter without wasting the valuable time of the court system, however, we are prepared to proceed if necessary. We are owed monies and are not concerned with whether Michigan, Rodriguez or a combination thereof provides the necessary satisfaction in an effort to conclude this unfortunate chapter in West Virginia football".

When queried as to what method might satisfy the insatiable appettite at West Virginia, Hardesty stated that cash, check or money order would all be appropriate. "We'll certainly accept cash. I'm not concerned with the combination that gets us to four million, said Hardesty as cheers from the West Virginia faithful filled the air. Tens, twenties, hundreds. Any combination will work for us. They're certainly welcome to use any U.S. legal currency. We'll take whatever and aren't picky when it comes down to depositing the cash at our chosen financial institution. I'm sure they'll be able to handle it".

In closing the WVU president added: "We look forward to concluding this bitter chapter in West Virginia football history and fully expect to see this money at the doorsteps of the university shortly."

Who Wants a Piece?: Rich Rodriguez Tells WVU Where To Get Off

warren groomer — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 13:53:54 -0500

Ann Arbor, MI — In a recent telephone interview, Rich Rodriguez lashed out at West Virginia University President Mike Garrison and his staff saying, "You don't want any of this! If somebody wants a piece, come and get it."

Rodriguez expressed amazement that WVU officials continue to ask him to pay four million dollars in a contractual buyout agreement.

"Four million of my money? Line up, 'cause someone's got an ass whoopin' comin'," said Rodriguez from his office on the University of Michigan campus. "Do they realize how much cash we're talking about here? I could bail out two third-world countries with that and still have change left over."

"You think I'm letting go of that without a fight? Who wants it first? Are they gonna send some kid off the staff," asked an infuriated Rodriguez. "Don't send some of those third year law students out this way either 'cause I promise you I will hurt three or four of those double-talking bozos," growled the new dean of Michigan football.

Displaying a rare sense of business savvy Rodriguez offered the following: "I've got that money buried so deep in offshore accounts a West Virginia coal miner couldn't dig it out! This is big business and they want to play around like children. I wouldn't give 'em back four dollars, much less four million!"

In an effort to drive home the seriousness of the situation the former WVU coach said, "I don't want to see it in the papers. I don't want to see it on TV or hear it on the radio. Because, I swear, if I do I'm going to snap it off in somebody. I'm gettin' in the car and driving over there. And when I get there someone's getting a foot right in the ass!"

College FB: Top 10 Reasons SEC Teams Don't Travel North

warren groomer — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 02:55:22 -0500

With all due deference to David Letterman, I present to you the Top 10 Reasons SEC teams like to keep it close to home...

10. Green card revoked at Mason-Dixon Line.

9. Mule can't pull team wagon that far.

8. Afraid to be hunted down by eskimos in September on the frozen tundra of Columbus, Ohio.

7. Don't know how to build igloo.

6. Frequent flier miles blacked out in Fantasy Land.

5. Would like to play Top 25 opponent.

4. Afraid to take yet another great coach from the state of Ohio.

3. Last time up, got lost looking for football teams.

2. Is Woody Hayes dead yet?

1. If we go North, you'll have to come South—and who's got that much time to waste waiting for your slow-ass team to get here!

Masters Shocker: Mike Weir Surrenders Green Jacket

warren groomer — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 04:34:00 -0500

Augusta, GA — In an unprecedented Sunday evening ceremony, Mike Weir returned the coveted Green Jacket awarded him for his 2003 Masters victory, after Augusta National members discovered Weir had played the entire tournament from the wrong side of the ball.

Tiger Woods, winner of the previous year's Masters, was on hand for the stunning event amongst the Georgia pines.

"We noticed something strange back in November when one of the members said he watched some old replays and something just didn't look right," said Augusta Chairman William "Billy" Payne. "At first I thought this was some type of distraction, as me and my partner had him and his partner down pretty good in a high-stakes bridge game.

"But said he wasn't kidding—and that he even noticed some divots on the wrong side of the tee box after the second round back in '03, but didn't give it much thought back then."

Payne went on to explain the investigate process.

"We went to the tape immediately and still had some doubts about what we were seeing," he said. "After a hasty meeting of the available members, we decided to hire an independent investigation firm. Film was confiscated from CBS, then reviewed and analyzed.

"It was right in front of us," Payne continued. "Shot after shot. Swing after swing. We still don't know how the starter missed it during the first round. It wasn't like it was Mike's first time here. We had to let the starter go and convene a search committee for a qualified starter for this year's tournament"

A grief-stricken and reticent Weir issued the following statement:

"It was never my intention to harm in any way the good name of Augusta National. Ignorance of the local rules is no excuse and I take full responsibility for my actions. If the members see fit to extend future invitations, I'll have the problem corrected and will return to the right side of the ball for play at the Masters."

In a separate but no less shocking development, the membership is now questioning whether Phil Mickelson may have knowingly violated policy in not one but two wins at the home of Bobby Jones.

Report: Wardrobe Dispute Led to Nick Saban's Departure from Miami

warren groomer — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 13:59:05 -0500

Tuscaloosa, AL — In a recent GQ article, embattled Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban revealed that an ongoing and irreconcilable dispute with the Miami Dolphins wardrobe staff, not a looming offer from Alabama, was the deciding factor in his hasty departure from South Beach.

"These things linger on and you do your best to keep it in the background," said Saban, dressed in Hugo Boss linen slacks and Armani cotton button down for the interview. "Nobody told me my ass looked fat in those pants. Do I have to do it all? Do I have to let these people know I spend most of an afternoon with half a stadium staring right at my backside?"

The coach went on to stress the finer points of sideline style.

"It's all about the tailoring, the little details like the hem and the way the pants fall," he said. "How the hell do you think I felt when I heard it over the headphones from the offensive coordinator that my ass looked like a giant, gelatinous ball of south Florida Jell-0?

"I had a couple of retirees staring at my hindquarters like I was dessert at the end of one of those casino buffets."

Saban also recounted the moment at which he knew it was time for a change.

"You know your time is short when they lay out argyle for home games," the coach said. "Not only is that look hard to pull off—but, Jesus H., man...this if Miami! Your feet will shrink like a voodoo priestess got hold of them"

Saban adamantly denied a lingering rumor that Alabama's steadfast stand against his wearing of the houndstooth hat may have caused vacillation between the two jobs as details were worked out.

"Never happened—we never discussed it and it was never an issue," Saban asserted. "I was perfectly happy to continue wearing the headphone/visor combo I made popular at Miami.

"It hasn't caught on yet but, man, when it does, the residuals are going to hefty. We've got a deal worked out with Reebok."

Les Miles' Wild Ride: The BCS Trophy Hits the Road

warren groomer — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:54:41 -0500

New Orleans, LA — In a shocking postgame statement, LSU coach Les Miles vowed to let his players take the BCS trophy "on the road"—and share it with every university which might have claim to it.

A stunned NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman responded by telephone from his home.

"We've had the market cornered on this kind of thing for years with the Stanley Cup," Bettman said. "We sort of look at that as intellectual property, as much as you can have intellectual property in the NHL."

Miles, for his part, was undeterred in justifying his decision to take the trophy on tour.

"I heard some comments on ESPN from that Chris, what the hell's his name—you know, the guy who went to Colorado and got all pissy about Oklahoma belonging in the BCS game against USC because OU beat Colorado and Auburn only beat Tennessee," the coach said in a press conference. "Anyway, he was yakking on and on about some playoff system and how USC would love to be in there 'cause they're the best team in the country. So we're taking this thing on the road and sharing it with anybody who thinks they deserve a piece in order to curb animosity amongst the good fans of college football."

Miles went on to lay out a detailed itinerary for the contested piece of hardware.

"We've got Matt Flynn on a plane to Los Angeles tomorrow morning," Miles said. "We hope to get a pep rally going out that way—you know, pass it around to the students and let them party with it.

"Glenn Dorsey takes the handoff from there, and he's on his way to Kansas, where I think they're hosting a big barbecue. They do love their beef up that way.

"Things get a little tight after that. Early Doucet heads off to Athens; I think there's a big R.E.M. reunion for that one. Never woulda guessed Early was such a big fan. He's pretty stoked about jamming with Michael Stipe. Rumor has it the B-52's and Devo might show.

"Then Craig Steltz heads up to West Virginia, where I think he's got a hot tub thing going over at Snowshoe. I'm definitely making that one right after we rap up the R.E.M. show and somebody gets the trophy off the tour bus. Talk about losing my religion! Probably won't be the only pineapple in the tub!"

Miles did, however, express some concerns.

"Some of the players are worried about getting busted traveling with the thing now that Chevis Jackson pointed out it looks like some kind of bizarre drug paraphernalia," he said. "I don't think we can drink a beer out of it like they do over in the NHL, 'cause it's not a cup or a bowl or anything like that.

"Which kind of gave us a strange thought—what happens in Columbia, Missouri stays in Columbia, Missouri. Let's just say that won't be HGH in there. We're hoping to get Jacob Hester back from that one with his marriage intact."

Saying it was his intention to include every deserving university, Miles has put the LSU media department on overtime, possibly through April, to handle any and all requests for appearances.

"We'll party 'till the money runs out," said an increasingly wild-eyed Miles. "Then we'll bum some cash off the basketball team and party some more!"

BCS Championship Game: LSU Fans Promise to Stay "Liquored Up"

warren groomer — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 00:39:00 -0500

New Orleans, LA — Early morning interviews on WWL-TV, the local CBS affiliate, revealed a rogue faction of LSU fans vowing anarchy in the run-up to the BCS Championship Game.

Spotted at S. Rampart and Girod Street, just minutes from the Superdome, the marauding band of luxury motor home owners vowed to stay "liquored up" until sometime Tuesday morning.

"Porta-Johns, man—we gonna need lots of Porta-Johns, 'cause I swear there's gonna be a lotta drinkin' goin' on around here," said one senior citizen clad only in purple body paint. "We're playing a man down right now, what with Harry being face down in the gumbo and all. We're hoping to have him back late in the day, but if we don't see some movement by two or three, we might bring in some paramedics. In that case we might have an extra ticket for sale."

Representatives from LSU could not be reached for comment, but generally don't condone this type of fan behavior. In a statement released after the Florida contest in Baton Rouge, LSU AD Skip Bertman pleaded to have the well-heeled motor home banditos removed from the campus, in an effort to restore an atmosphere of "fun for the entire family."

"I realize we charge them $100.00 for the parking spot and they spend about a gazillion dollars hanging around for three days in these half-a-million dollar motor homes, but this has got to stop," Bertman said. "What kind of example are we setting for the children? They'd have to assume that none of these people have jobs, what with their showing up on Friday and not leaving 'til Monday morning."

The banditos were undeterred.

"This thing's gonna get ugly," said Martha Thibodaux, a high school cafeteria worker from New Iberia, LA. "Once I get this boudin heated up and the grits cookin' real good, I'm going straight to the vodka. Anybody wanna see the purple and gold thong I got for the game? I swear we goin' to da 'Dome nekkid!"

Sooner Charity: Oklahoma Volunteers Services as Bowl Opponent

warren groomer — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 12:27:18 -0500

Norman, OK — In an effort to demonstrate Oklahoma's willingness to play "anybody, anywhere, anytime, on any field," Sooners coach Bob Stoops today made an impassioned plea to bowl committees nationwide.

"I think we've shown were willing and able to travel anywhere to put someone's program on the map," Stoops said. "Orange Bowl, BCS Championship, you name it. I mean, where would Boise State and LSU be without us showing up?

"I'm quite sure we've done wonders for recruiting over at West Virginia," he continued at a hastily assembled press conference. "The e-mails and letters keep coming and the heartfelt thanks from the fans of that great state—it's a feeling you can't describe".

Stoops went on to offer the Sooners services to more marginal bowls.

"We're certainly capable of these types of performances in the Independence Bowl, Capital One Bowl, the New Orleans Bowl, or even the International Bowl," the coach said.

Officials of the Papa John's, New Mexico, and Poinsettia Bowls are expected to extend invitations well before the start of the '08 season in an effort to secure a landmark victory for schools from so-called "lesser conferences."

"Certainly we'll consider all of our options, and provided we're not playing in the BCS Championship Game, we'd be honored to play in any of these fine bowls," Stoops said in response. "We're certainly obligated to show if the invitation is extended, but we understand an opponent in the BCS title game probably doesn't need a lot of recognition.

"On the other hand, we feel we can do for Tulane or Ball State what Michigan did for Appalachian State."

In response to OU's new kinder, gentler approach, legendary coach Barry Switzer was left to ponder the days of 70-point victories and undefeated seasons.

"What the hell happened to kicking the crap out of Louisiana Tech to get the season started, playing a few in-conference patsies, then whoopin' a Nicholls State real good?" Switzer said in a statement released through his agent. "I'll tell you this—if that was me on the sideline, I'da left Boise State with and inferiority complex their grandchildren couldn't get rid of.

"They'da been honored to have potato farming to fall back on after I put one on 'em."

Stoops, meanwhile, said phone lines at the OU athletic department are staffed "24/7" to handle the expected increase in requests for bowl appearances.

"Please don't think we're offended by any offer," Stoops said. "We're here, we're ready.

"The future of your program is at stake," added the benevolent coach. "Choose with confidence"!

Split National Championship?: Pete Carroll Romances the AP

warren groomer — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 03:51:06 -0500

Pasadena, CA — In an 11th-hour appeal to AP reporters around the country, Pete Carroll today professed his undying love for the AP—and apologized for the 2005 snub that left many AP writers confused and perplexed.

"I realize my hoisting of the BCS National Championship trophy after our great win in a hard-fought contest over Oklahoma may have left a sour taste in some writer's mouths," the USC coach said. "I got caught up in the moment and lost my head.

"I swear I assigned the duty of finding the AP plaque to one of the graduate assistants, but, understandably, he got way too involved in all the ass-slapping going on after the game, and things just kinda slipped through the cracks."

The coach went on to assert that his Trojans felt perfectly at home in Pasadena.

"I said in '04 there's no place we'd rather play than the Rose Bowl, and I mean that as much today as ever before," Carroll said. "Hell, it's not my fault we had to play those BCS games outside the state of California. I made a strong appeal to the NCAA to have both those games moved to Pasadena. Our play against Texas all but proves the BCS just isn't what we're after.

"We would have been happy with another AP title after that game—and Texas was more than welcome to keep the pineapple, or whatever that thing is."

Carroll finished his pitch with an offer of undying allegiance.

"It was great to be back in Pasadena this year, and our victory over a superior team like the Fightin' Illini proves once again that USC is worthy of AP consideration," he said. "If you folks could find it in your heart to move us up to Numero Uno, I swear I'll never mention the BCS again.

"And, if you could find it in your heart to scoot Oregon up there to No. 2, I'll even go so far as to say a playoff system is way overrated. We could use a little recognition over here in the Pad-10. If we're ever gonna get it right I'm counting on the AP to come through."

In mass reciprocation, AP writers seem willing to forgive the 2005 snub, as well as USC's loss to 41-point underdog Stanford earlier in the year—and are now contemplating giving the Trojans a huge boost in the rankings.

In similar statements released earlier this week, both LSU and Ohio State seemed more than satisfied with acknowledgment by the BCS, thus paving the way for the Trojans' AP ascension.

As it stands, the loser of the BCS title game seems destined for banishment to the netherworld of college football "also-rans."

"I'm not saying these aren't worthy programs," a humble and reverent Carroll said of the Tigers and Buckeyes. "They're just not the Men of Troy. This is the AP we're talking about. They've had a long tradition of splitting national titles with the UPI, and if someone is going to get in there and split things up with the BCS, they're qualifications go way back. Back to the days of USC splitting championships with Alabama and such.

"Man, who better to represent the AP? We love you guys!"