Bleacher Report - Articles by Hanz Heiligmann

New England Patriots Go Nostalgic

Hanz Heiligmann — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:48:34 -0500

Ah, how as fans of the gridorin we just love to nostalgic. We love the past. Its all we talk about especially when things are going badly for our teams.

This week the Patriots waded into the waters of La Jolla beach to pull LB Junior Seau off his surfboard and had him towel off with his old number 55 Pats Jersey. He was SOLD! Signed today to help fill a very battered LB core on the team, and put a boost in morale as the 12 time pro bowler can only do.

Earlier in the week, LB Rosevelt Colvin was happy living in Houston. He got his kids ready for school everyday and was the doting husband. All that changed at the local UPS store when the Pats plucked another old veteran out of society and signed Colvin back to the team. The nine year veteran, also another fan favorite will travel with Seau and the team to Seattle this weekend when they punish the Seahawks.

Who knows what their roles will be, but with Adalius Thomas (broken forearm) gone for the season and Pierre Woods (jaw) out for Sunday's, Colvin could get a starting nod outside. Seau will most likely be behind rookie Jerod Mayo and veteran Tedy Bruschi inside. Will he see more action than rookie backup Gary Guyton? Count on head coach Bill Belichick to utilize their skills if they can shake the rust off.

Later in the day today, the Patriots announced the remaining schedule for the rest of the regular season of nostalgic recruiting: Below is a list of players and their present positions that are on cue to return.

Week 13

Troy Brown: Wide Receiver

Fred Smerlas: Nose Tackle—Sports Radio Host

Tony Eason: Quarterback

Week 14

Mosi Tatupu: Linebacker

Stanley Morgan: Wide Receiver

Bruce Armstrong: O Tackle

Week 15

Gino Cappeletti: Kicker

Ya Gotta Love Joey Porter!

Hanz Heiligmann — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:12:35 -0500

Joey Porter. The man I hate, yet in the same breath think is hilarious....

He guaranteed 16 victories last season. He was right once, and wrong the other 15.

And this week, at Week 11, I am shocked at what has played out in the AFC East standings. I thought the fins would be looking for their third win, and I would be a few more losses closer to a seat upgrade. Go figure...

This season’s Dolphins and Patriots are 6-4. This season’s Joey Porter is playing like a defensive player of the year. He is louder, and even more obnoxious than ever before.

Last season just pissed Joey off so much that he is trash talking even more this season.

He recently spewed verbal diarrhea to the fact that that the Patriots were terrible with Matt Cassel. Now he’s talking about how much he hates the Patriots and how badly he was disrespected because at the game at Gillette earlier this year, someone punted a ball over his head when he was trying to stretch before their game.

I say let Joey Porter talk. All it does is motivate the Patriots. He’s been spewing his crum for years. Belichick doesn’t need to even lower himself and comment on Joey. Just line the locker room with many of his useless quotes!

I have to admit, he is having a great season. No doubt about it. But as I have said on many posts before (he is my number one post topic)...he needs to shut up. His team is winning. Sunday is the biggest game they’ve played this year. He should be getting his team ready, instead he’s motivating the Patriots by talking trash.

Trust me, our Pats are prime for his crap. Joey should thank his lucky stars that he is still allowed to play this year after his brutal attack on Levi Jones last year.

The Patriots, with Matt Casell as quarterback, should win this weekend. Think that’ll shut Porter up? You have GOT to be kidding!

New England Patriots Fans: Stop Blaming Overtime!

Hanz Heiligmann — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 11:36:46 -0500

Well, we came up short. After I game like this, a loss like this, it's apparant that most of my friends are yahoos. I have shut my cell phone off. Stop calling and texting me about how we lost the game over a coin toss? Are you KIDDING? Wake up and smell the Gillette turf numbskulls! You have the STONES to actually think we lost the game because...boo hoo the NFL overtime sucks? Let me help you.

Grab your small brain selves a pencil and write this down. Here's a list of some of the OTHER 745 reasons we lost this game. And by the way, kudos to our boys for a spectacular comeback. Oh, or you forgot we were down 24-6 at one point??

Real reasons to blame your loss on:

Kick return for a touchdown

Not going for the field goal

Middle of the field WIDE open

Tight Ends free in the middle to catch anything

Vrabel holding call

Kick return for a touchdown

Peirre Woods

Ty Law

Brett Favre

J - E - T - S

There...I have to stop now, cuz i refuse to lower my self to your idiocracy. Oh, by the way...you're still my friends and I love you...

The Strange Similarities Between Matt Cassel and Tom Brady

Hanz Heiligmann — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:11:23 -0500

Now before you go and accuse me of crowning Matt Cassel the NEXT Tom Brady, let me explain. That's why I title the post "Strange Similarities"—cuz it's getting strange...

Yesterday Matt had an impressive game and win over the struggling Buffalo Bills...except for the one fumble, he had a solid and impressive game with no picks thrown.

By the way, thanks to the thousands of Bills fans who came to Gillette yesterday to enjoy some NE-style tailgating and our fine stadium. It was cool to see the support they have and the throngs of them who showed up for the shellacking. They were fun to meet and very classy...great fans...great to meet the ones I did. It was a long ride back to Buffalo, I'm sure...

After watching the first nine games, it appears to me that Matt is adjusting and improving. Many on sports radio after the game were calling in to say it's just a product of the "system"...that you could plug my 16-year-old son in there, and he would be excelling just the same...poppycock!!!

Cassel is growing as a player, learning from his errors, and frankly, becoming better. Look at the numbers of him and Brady in their first nine games...please...it took me an hour to dig up and add the figures!!!

Except for the touchdown passes, it's "Strangely Similar"...

Brady: 173-260, 66 percent, seven picks, 16 TDs, 1,823 yards

Cassel: 156-233, 66 percent, seven picks, seven TDs, 1,566 yards

The numbers don't lie. Granted, Brady had two stellar games against New Orleans where he threw four TDs, and the stinker in Denver where he threw four picks in one game. My point is that all the Cassel bashers can calm down a bit.

Thursday will be the biggest test of all when we play our second game in four short days against Crybaby Brett Favvvvvvvv-re and the J-E-T-S.

Pats 27, Jets 24

Pats' Jabar Gaffney To Have Hand Replacement Surgery

Hanz Heiligmann — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 04:09:53 -0500

The Pats lose to the Colts 18-15. Where can we point the "finger"?

Reports out of Foxboro say that wide receiver Jabar Gaffney will have his hands surgically replaced after not catching what would of been an easy 39-yard touchdown pass at the six-yard line that would of given the Pats the lead, and put them closer to victory.

Cynics however may argue that the pass from Matt Cassel simply "hit him in the WRONG part of the hands!!"

"I dropped it," said Gaffney. "He made a good throw. I dropped it. I don't make any excuses. It hit my hands. I should have caught it." Way ta go dilbert! You get the Flubber award of the week!

Joey Porter and His Big Mouth

Hanz Heiligmann — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 08:19:00 -0400

Just look at the size of that mouth for God's sake!

And all it does is spew verbal diarrhea!

All the Pats have done over the years Joey, is basically KICKED YOUR TEAM'S ASS!! Now because you probably "love the game" so much you run for the money to Miami to one of the worst teams in the league.

Now you and Miami's new saviour Chad Pennington (JOKE!) think you can roll into our house and beat the Pats?

Great job last week in Arizona.

Look for Randy Moss to have a BANNER day.

Any one reading this post CAN'T name ONE of your teammates in Miami's secondary because they suck.

Shut your trap!

New England Patriots Issues Giving Fans Anxiety

Hanz Heiligmann — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 02:39:25 -0400

It's Saturday September 6th at 9:30 a.m. I sit at my computer wondering why I have any anticipations about tomorrow's Patriots game.

I mean, my QB hasn't taken a snap since February 2nd, my defense looked like crap in the preseason, and my team proved to me that we have not a legitimate backup quarterback.

So, should I be nervous? Why am I? Granted, we are playing the Chiefs. However, are you all familiar with the Week One upset that happens every year at the start of the season? Will this be it?

I will have to go to bed tonight and do what i always do: believe wholeheartedly in my team. My team that I have stuck with since dad took me to game one in 1972. Don't let me down boys.