Bleacher Report - Articles by jeff tydeman

"One Favre to Live" is NFL's Newest Soap Opera

jeff tydeman — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:08:56 -0400

Let's transport ourselves back to an earlier day and time...the era of radio dramas known as "soap operas" because they were sponsored by the makers of cleaning products...

(A tinny organ plays theme music, an upbeat cascade of drawn-out notes)

Announcer: Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all ships at sea. Welcome to another episode of "One Favre To Live", previously known as "As The Favre Turns"...presented by the makers of Lysol and Lysol-related scrubbing agents...

In earlier chapters our hero, Brett Favre, a common man, a mere peasant, has fought foes for over 16 years. It is "Yore" when giants named Marino and Elway walked the earth.

The Brett of Favre has beaten all comers, however, including usurpers, pretenders, and rivals, won Super Battle XXXI, beaten his own personal problems, married the Homecoming Queen, and has risen to become the beloved King of the People of Lambeau, a minor duchy somewhere in the North.

But there is an evil in the kingdom—the foul and pestilent Ted of Thompson, a pale and humorless man who is frequently on vacation and refuses to answer text messages.

The wicked Thompson overthrows Good King Brett in a bloodless coup.

Stung, Good King Brett retires to his homeland, among the ignorant folk, reduced to jousting with mere boys as he dreams of regaining his throne. We join him there.

(Organ music...SFX--horse hooves clattering up, whinnying and shouting)

Messenger: I bear a missive for the Brett of Favre; I must give it to him and DIE!

Brett of Favre: I am he!

Messenger: Here!!! Eeeeuuuuaaahhh!!! (He dies)

Lackey #1: What is it, o mighty Brett?

B of F: It is a communication from my Ye Olde Agent, Sid Silverstein.

Lackey #2: The Jew from the Wood West of Holly?

B of F: Precisely. Let's see what he says....hmmm....it says here I have two offers from my verily kingdom arch-rivals to join in an alliance. The first is the Norsemen, they of the horns on the head. They have an able cavalry but their thrower of flaming catapult loads is suspect. They are our most hated enemies....it is tempting to stick it to certain parties, but, nonetheless, I dareth not! Who is the other fighting force?

Lackey #1: The Lions want thou.

B of F: Prithee, give me a break...the Knaves of Detroit? Their spirit is lacking, their soldiers womanly, and their recent history impoverished. I mean, they caught the Black Plague and it was the best thing that happened there in a fortnight!

Ted of Thompson: (Emerging from behind bush) AHA!

B of F: Ye Most Hellish of Cell Phone Avoiders! How I loathe thee, hate thee, and have contempt for thee.

Ted of Thompson: Here, take some painkillers.

B of F: Thanks! All is forgiven! (Chomp chomp) Oh my, I feel very weak. I must retire to my home castle and cogitate a little more. You win this round, Thompson!

T of T: Mwwahhawwahhhh!

(More organ music and general 30's radio show stuff)

Announcer: Next week, join us and the good people of Lysol for more of the saga of the Brett of Favre...here's a sample!

Every Media Outlet: Brett, will you come on our minstrel show and make a sly allusion to your situation, so as to both elicit laughs and further exacerbate things?

B of F: SURE!!!!

Announcer: See you next week, on "One Favre Toooo Liiiive!"

(Organ music)

My Strange and Eclectic Top 100

jeff tydeman — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 15:10:18 -0400

100) NOT Bud Selig

99) The actual season ticket holder who sells you an extra ticket for face value in the parking lot

98-86) The fat guys like the Florida Manatees who dance for our amusement at sporting events these days

85-73) The beautiful women who replace them and purge those horrible visions from our eyes

72) That gamble-aholic who put a $100 on the Tampa Bay Rays to win the World Series and will collect 16 grand if they do

71) Orange Cone Man guiding you into your parking space

70) David Stern's cosmetologist

69) The black guy who goes to a small Midwestern town and claims to be a famous basketball player

68-53) The 15 white people who don't let him pay for a thing for three days until they figure out he isn't Kobe Bryant

52) The "in-the-hole" guy at the Masters or Pebble Beach

51) Bll Parcells' scary face

50) John Basedow's abs

49-41) Detroit Lions fans

40) Joey Buttafuoco

39-29) Ten of the hottest women's volleyball players posing nude

28) The gay man taking their pictures

27) Pete Rozelle's corpse

26-18) Steroid-free baseball players circa 1990-2005

17) That hockey guy missing those teeth—you know who I mean!

16) The no-nonsense soccer ref

15) The shameless-acting "injured soccer" player

14) During my freshman year of high school, that old guy who handed out the towels after gym class with this big smile....

13) Aaron Rodgers

12-8) The first relay track team

7) Jason Giambi's moustache

6) Joe Torre's eye-bags

5) Gen. Pervez Musharraf, titular head of Pakistan

4) Madonna's doorman

3) Roger Clemens (may be revised downwards)

2) Danica Patrick

1) YOU! The Bleacher Report reader!!!! Huh? Right? HUH??? Can I get an Amen?

What's a Sport? Simple!

jeff tydeman — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:01:10 -0400

Finally, an easy question posed by the Bleacher Report Brain Trust. A simple question for a simple man—I like my beer cold, my neck red, and my homosexuals FLA-ming!*

And equally simple is the answer to said question—a sport is an unscripted event for amusement/diversion involving hand-eye coordination.

The Big Four are: football, baseball, basketball, and hockey.

So is soccer, golf, racing, bowling, and tennis.

Greco-Roman wrestling is in there, track and field and skiing and skating and boarding of all types. Yachting is in there too. Sailing.

Competitive bass-fishing? Give me a hand to an eye. Yup!

Surfing. Canoeing. Diving. Skating. Boat racer? Come on in. Ping pong? You're there dude!

Hunting? I never argue with someone with a rifle in his hands.

Boxing is in there, and you don't like it, meet me outside! Marathons, the martial arts and the mixed martial arts.

Not so fast poker!!! Sure, it's dramatic and requires brains, or at a minimum a sound grasp of odds, but where's ANY sort of athleticism? Didn't think so.

Pro Wrestling, you have athleticism, but not an undetermined outcome. For shame, Vince McMahon!

Anything in a James Bond movie qualifies as a sport, as do your polo and cricket and other foo-foo sports. Your fox-hunters etc.

Even rich guys have to get their 'compete' on, and I don't mean in the number of zeroes in your bank account.

"Survivor" and "Dancing With The Stars" aren't sports only because there's a script involved at some level no matter how rudimentary.

Rugby is DEFINITELY a sport.

But you know what absolutely, positively, one-hundred-per cent IS NOT a sport?

The national shame that is the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

The next time some terrorist attacks US interests somewhere around the globe, and you remark to a friend or co-worker, 'why do they hate us so much?', this is the comeback to that.

Shoving a bunch of low-quality franks that innocent animals were killed for in your fat ugly face as fast as you can while other people are starving isn't just sick and immoral, it's really SICK and REALLY immoral.

This country puts people in jail for smoking pot and yet we allow this obscenity to go on, and ESPN televises it?

May history have mercy on our souls, for Our Creator won't!!!

I can only hope those piggish freaks suffer from horribly distended colons and terrible bowel movements for weeks after their horrific meeting with infamy.

If an ambulance has to chose between one of these 'pro eaters' in encephalitic shock outside Nathan's or some junkie flopping around on a dirty South Beach bar floor, I can only hope good sense prevails and they come get me at the bar!

P.S. *from the The Simpsons (the best show ever)

P.P.S. Extra shame on you ESPN...does ratings justify anything? How about how much cocaine an addict can snort, or how many children a pedophile can molest in a twelve hour span, or how many kittens you can stomp on at once...

Sickening really, if you think about it.

Unfortunately, I do :(

Not Just Players: US Soccer Needs All Kinds of Improvements

jeff tydeman — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 06:26:39 -0400

American soccer has a ways to go, we all know that. Both on and off the field.

Sure, athletic talent like the Dwyane Wade's and Tom Brady’s and the Tiger Woods's would help the US national team, but there's other untapped physical resources out there. I can picture Barbaro out on the pitch, racing downfield. Okay, bad example. Maybe Eight Belles? Okay, another bad example.

How about a certain non-retired Home Run King chilling out in San Fran? I'm sure after a quick visit to certain laboratory companies in the Bay Area, he could "prepare" for the rigors of football. I envision a massive pair of thighs, calves, and feet stomping around with the head of Barry Bonds on top.

Even if he didn't contribute on the field, his sparkling personality would spread his usual joy and goodwill to those who approach him, even nefarious types such as sport writers (ugh—them!).

Any soccer team needs an actor the quality of a Tom Hanks, George Clooney, or John C. Reilly to flop around holding a barely-touched ankle while appearing to have been hit with an IED. Or to react to a yellow card with stunned indignation after just taking a shiv and shanking a guy on the other team. Actually, Reilly's face alone would scare an opponent into giving up an 'own goal.'

Then there's what I call the "atmospherics," the events in the stands or getting to and from the stadia where we need the most help.

In no particular order:

Getting Drunk—Hard to believe the United States would lag in this key area, but we do. You see, other, younger kids around the world are pounding wine and ouzo at dinner, while our teenagers are barely able to sneak a beer behind the gym after practice.

You have to start inculcating these things at a very young age to excel in these competitive times. Any child development expert will agree.

Vomit—Ours is thin, watery upchuck, versus the thicker, more viscous quality of the foreigners. You only have to see a puke-pile of theirs pooling on a Barcelona train platform or in the corner of a Rio de Janiero barrio bodega to realize how pathetic we Americans are.

Chanting—Test scores show our public school children are, well...they're kind of dumb. It's hard enough to name three state capitals without expecting the poor dears to memorize three singsong stanzas of a team anthem.

Hell, professional singers need a karaoke machine to make it through The Star Spangled Banner, and we've been hearing that song all our lives. We're barely able to bleat out the three syllables U-S-A. Let's not complicate things.

Hooliganism/Rioting—We are such a peaceful and law-abiding people, we could never plan on going out and punching strangers and burning cars. Don't get me wrong—we'll do it. But spontaneously. Not as a set Saturday night amusement, as in England. But we can hope, maybe some day!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! ...uh, how does that go again? Oh yeah...U-S-A! U-S-A!

Tuna Over Miami: Dolphin Headquarters on Draft Day

jeff tydeman — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 12:34:51 -0400

Hell gentle readers, and welcome to Bleacher Report's Draft Day On-Site Guide to the First Pick!

Bleacher Report has spared no expense, sending this Miami Beach-based sports humorist seven miles over the causeway to cover the NFL Draft from Dolphin HQ in the former Joe Robbie Stadium.

And I already have a bombshell--"With the first pick, Miami takes Michael Beasley from Kansas State!" (Cheers in background)

Commentator: "A terrific choice; he and Wade should be a force for years."

Oh wait, that's the Heat, who will also choose first (probably)...

No, the 'Fins are a little more problematic. They have many needs and could wander off in any direction, so the First Round should be roiled from the git-go.

They have assembled a crack team of Cam Cameron, Rick Spielman, and Dave Wannstache, the best and brightest of the last five (playoff-free) years.

Which way are they leaning?

Michael Vick!

"We needed a quarterback, and he's been working hard and keeping his nose clean. He hasn't been arrested in nearly seven months." said Spielman.

Since he was jailed, in other words?

"Well, um, yeah."

Cameron added: "We're not only getting Mike Vick, we're getting the entire Vick family!" gushed the worst coach ever. "Including the thuggish little brother and his idiot, bloodthirsty loser cousins."

What about the two Longs, Vernon Gholston, or even LSU DE Glenn Dorsey?

"Never was a fan of swing music." Wannstache replied.

You're not thinking of Tommy Dorsey, are you?

"I'm not a moron." snapped the Pitt coach, stepping on a rake as he dropped Florida's championship trophy.

More news as it breaks!

NCAA Tournament Sleeper: The Miami Hurricanes

jeff tydeman — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:36:29 -0400

My 2008 NCAA Cinderella squad: the Miami Hurricanes

Why?

A) They're the local team, and b) I'm certain to be the the only one who picks them.

Why are the Canes being dissed nationally?

Because they're not that good, face tough competition immediately, and might well be satisfied just to make the tourney after early-season predictions of last place in the ACC.

Well, pshaw!

The Hurricanes are gritty and work hard, attributes that will serve them well in a marathon like the Big Dance.

They endured a 2-6 streak and "rebounded." They beat Duke. I know, I know, this year is not one of their better product lines, but Duke is still a great team with powerful mojo...and the 'Canes held on for a W the Blue Devils wanted- badly.

Yes, I know UM lost in the second round of the ACC Tournament, but that was to a thuggish Virginia Tech team fighting viciously to get into the tournament (and ultimately failing).

When you see how far the Hokies go in the NIT, the Canes loss won't look as bad.

Miami's big men—particularly Anthony King and Jimmy Graham—should contain the "Merry Men" of St. Mary's, Diamon Simpson (no relation to Homer) and Outback-sized Aussie Ben Allen. Jack McClinton, meanwhile, will in all likelihood outscore another Blunder From Down Under, G Patrick Mills.

The Canes bench is better, and their conference better too. As far as "being satisfied to be here"—you can also say they'll be able play with a no-loss-either-way gusto.

Suppose they squeeze by St. Mary's on a wing and a prayer, next up is Texas. And no one knows the Longhorn system better than Hurricane head coach Frank Haith, who cut his teeth on that very staff and is soulmate to none other than UT Coach Rick Barnes.

Haith works the "Miracle in Houston," using his formidable motivational skills and inside insight, and we're on to the Sweet 16.

Maybe a mumps epidemic knocks out Stanford or Marquette, and the Canes advance against the juggernaut that will be the winner of the Pitt-Memphis game.

And that's when Mr. Toad's Wild Ride will most likely end. But making the second weekend would be huge for Miami—and even better for your bracket.

You'll be one of the few who had the guts to peel away from the pack and take a two-round chance on Cinderella's shorter, uglier, fewer-blue-chipper sister.

In a total-points pool, that make all the difference. Remember, when everyone goes with the high seeds, the small, unpredictable games become that much more critical.

February Sports Roundup

jeff tydeman — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 07:59:04 -0500

Hello gentle readers.

If you're wondering where I've been, that's kind of a funny story. I was at the Publix Supermarket in South Miami when a large black man bumped into me.

"Hey, watch it buddy!" I snarled.

"My bad, man. Sorry." he apologized.

"You're lucky I don't kick your ass!" I said, giving him a push.

"I should warn you, I'm Kimbo Slice."

"That's it—you and me, in the parking lot, right NOW!"

Long story short: Traction generally lasts five to seven weeks.

But I was able to catch up on my reading and noticed some odd stories.

OH MY DARLING CLEMENS-SLIMES: Not satisfied with the coverage of Clemens steroid accusations provided by ESPN, CNN, Fox, and even C-SPAN, Clear Channel Media announced plans for ClemensTV, a 24-hour channel devoted to all things Roger Clemens. At 8 tonight, they're offering a virtual tour of the star pitcher's abcessed buttocks (narrated by Katie Couric), followed by the daily three-hour round-up of the latest news.

The controversy grew to include Roger's wife, Debra. Apparently, following a purported performance enhancing injection for a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue photo shoot, she put on a uniform with #23 and struck out 12 Tampa Bay Devil Rays. But, to put things in perspective, a lucky fan picked from the crowd as part of a promotional event, Evelyn Tessgood, 67, of Century Village, also struck out 12 Rays.

Hearing that Debra Clemens might have taken a shot to firm up for the SI fleshfest disappointed many fans of the magazine.

"I thought these women's bodies were natural." sighed a disillusioned and lonely Tim Johns, a fifteen-year old from the a farm outside Norman, Oklahoma. "I used to get the issue in the mail and rush upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom and fantasize about what kinds of human beings these ladies were, you know, their likes and dislikes, hobbies, favorite episode of the Gilmore Girls--you know, hot stuff. Not ogling some augmented breasts or anorexic tight bodies or round perky asses. That's not what the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is all about."

THE BEAGLE HAS LANDED: The heart-warming story of Uno, the plucky dog who became the first member of the Hound Group in twenty-five years to claim "Best of Show" at the Westminster Kennel Club, and the first beagle ever to win, took an ugly turn this weekend.

Las Vegas police arrested Uno outside a strip club just off Fremont Street.

According to the arresting officer--"We noticed him driving erratically and then parking in an isolated area of the parking lot. When we approached the vehicle we observed the defendant with a white powdery substance on his snout, licking himself. He'll be charged with several counts, including drunk driving, possession of a controlled narcotic, and lewd and lascivious behavior." He faces a possible sentence of eight "bad dogs" and 12 swats with a rolled-up newspaper.

BELICHICK DEFENDS HIS SUPER BOWL SNUB OF GIANTS COACH COUGHLIN: Bill Belichick gave his version of why he left before the last tick of the clock in his Super Bowl defeat. "I had a premonition, and sure enough, when I went out to the parking lot outside the stadium, I saw a burning car. Luckily I was able to rescue a baby, a nun, and the Maharishi."

When it was pointed out the Maharishi was dead, he said: "Yeah, but believe me, I tried mouth-to-mouth, heart massage, everything. I'm not lying. That really happened. My big worry is, I hope that doesn't cut into my votes for "Sportsman of the Year!"

NFL News: Atlanta Falcons Settle for 592nd Coaching Choice

jeff tydeman — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:25:36 -0500

The Atlanta Falcons, reputedly of the National Football League, announced Mike Smith as their Head Coach, and said they couldn't be happier with their 592nd choice.

Falcons owner Arthur Blank explained the Search Process:

"First, we offered the job to every head coach, current or former, and they all turned us down. Then, we offered it to every assistant, living or dead, and after they all refused, every coordinator in the league, or the Arena Football League, or NFL Europe.

"Then we went through the ranks of the college football, from Fordham to Slippery Rock, and they all said no, so we asked anyone who ever played football at any level, from Pee-Wee to High School. Not one of them was interested.

"Next we aggressively went after the kid with the orange cone flashlight who parks cars and a couple of the regular ticket scalpers. We actually had one guy here for a day, by the name of Sampson Delicious, but he turned out to be a homeless crack addict. Plus, he preferred a spread offense while we want to go with a pounding running game.

Smith, formerly of the Jacksonville Jaguars, said he was thrilled with the opportunity and wanted to know why everyone at the press conference was snickering, if he had mustard on his tie, etc.—"but we re-grouped ourselves and said, 'Oh no, this a grrreeeat job!'" giggled the obnoxious Skip Bayless of the Dallas Times.

Coach Smith also mentioned his wife had been married 19 times before but said he was the best lover, and by far.

Not all the players were impressed.

According to Alge Crumpler, the team's All-Pro tight end, "Coach Delicious was funny; he'd be bugging out hitting a crack stem and his eyes would get all big and he'd get totally paranoid and forget where he was and he'd puke and hide in his office for hours at a time, but he was still better than Bobby Petrino."

Breaking News: Tom Coughlin's Face Goes on Rampage

jeff tydeman — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:37:45 -0500

A nation hungry for good news had reason to smile when, shortly after Tom Coughlin coached his New York Giants over the Packers in Green Bay in the NFC Championship, his freezing face took on Life and left Coughlin's skull to become an independent entity.

Dr. Rolf Schnerdstuhl of the German Institute of Re-Animation, told us how:

"Apparently zee eckstreem freezing vetter had ein, wie kann ich das aussagen, a life-giving effect, enabling zee fase to take on a life of its own."

Monday began pleasantly enough. Coughlin wished the Face well, saying "Hey, if my old Face doesn't want to be with the New York Giants, then good riddance. This is a storied franchise that doesn't need any facial feature here that don't want to be here, whether it's Tiki Barber's gap-toothed grin or Lawrence Taylor's nose…which had a substance abuse problem."

First, Tom Coughlin's Face received an award from the United Clown Colleges of America and was saluted as Clown Cheeks of the Year.

"The coloration was stupendous," gushed a garish harlequin stinking of cheap gin at 9 in the morning. "Florid and red, with a white raccoon mask, seized up in anger and frustration. Reminiscent of Clarabelle or a young Bozo. Classic."

Next, Coughlin's Face inked a deal with Paramount to star in the sequel to the smash hit movie "Face/Off."

According to the press release:

"Johnnie Travolta and Nicky Cage were on-board, we just needed a quasi-autonomous facial lifeform to round out the cast. When we saw Tom Coughlin shivering on the sideline, we knew we had our extra-cranial actor."

But things got ugly when Tom Coughlin's Face met Tom Brady's Protective Boot for dinner at a local steak house. Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens saw them in front of the restaurant and burst into tears at the sight of the Protective Boot.

"That's MY quarterback's hurt foot protector," blubbered the Pro Bowler, girlish tears washing down to his quivering lower lip. "That's my QUARTERback. That's my quarterBACK."

When informed Brady wasn't his quarterback, a confused Owens dropped to the ground and began doing stomach crunches. "That won't get you out of everything!" yelled a spectator, only encouraging more reps.

Then it really got weird. Tom Coughlin's Face and Tom Brady's Protective Boot went clubbing with Heath Ledger's Corpse.

"What clubs did you hit?" Heath Ledger's Corpse was asked.

"I don't know or care," said the good-looking cadaver. "It's just the limo to the club to the VIP area. The ho's be all the same."

Tragically, an altercation resulted in the tasing and arrest of Tom Coughlin's Face.

"He'll be treated like any other face that was so cold it took on independent life and went on a rampage," said Sgt. O'Dooley of New York Police Stereotypes. "And he’ll look the same too: Shame-Faced!"

Manning Coup: Eli Snags Peyton's Endorsements

jeff tydeman — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 15:24:35 -0500

In a bloodless coup, Eli Manning seized his older brother Peyton's TV and radio commercials this weekend, striking a blow for little brothers everywhere.

"Somewhere between the time Peyton's last pass was bouncing off Dallas Clark's hands and Eli's laser-like throw to Amani Toomer was accounting for a huge Giants TD, the phones started ringing," said Eli's representative, Emabtha N'gue Vere Ep (an unheralded Unbangi-born American sports agent). "The voiceovers, the endorsements—millions of dollars changed hands in just an hour.

"I haven't seen a sibling takeover like this since Romulus gave Remus the nasty part of Rome," Vere Ep added, in a reference obscure to the average football fan.

Little brothers everywhere celebrated the occasion.

"My older brother is a total dick and this totally faced him!" exulted Patrick O'Ryan of South Boston. "When I was little he gave me wet willies, Indian burns, and pink-bellies. This is payback. Of a sort."

"Jimmy didn't let me date his old girlfriends even though I was only a year behind him—and they put out," recalled Nitro Fleming, a stuntman-in-training from Van Nuys, of his older brother Seth. "That's just spiteful."

How do you know they would have liked you, Seth?

"C'mon, I'm just like him but I'm YOUNGER! Do the math idiot!"

The older brothers, not surprisingly, supported Peyton over his "punky obnoxious little douchebag of a brother."

"I went to college," recalled Devin Stevens of Shreveport, "and my little brother who's like a retard fucked up all my shit. My old Playboy's, my baseball card collection—he fucking spent my coin collection on bus rides and vending machines."

Other scars linger. Siblings recall different standards.

"I got my ass beat if I was home one minute after 9 on a Friday night when I was 16!" said an older brother bitterly. "He STARTED at midnight when he was 12! Fucking 12!"

But it's not all fun and games, responded a little brother.

"Dad plays ball now," he said, "he's having a heart attack by the third throw."

NFL Draft News: Darren McFadden Likes Biggs' Pianists?!?

jeff tydeman — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 11:52:25 -0500

NFL scouts were shocked and horrified to hear that the top-ranked running back in college football, Darren McFadden of the Arkansas Razorbacks, may be "into" Biggs' pianists.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," said one uneasily.

The rushing star's father tried to put a stop to the rumors swirling around his son.

"Darren's all man," said Graylon McFadden. "You may hear false stories floating around, but he likes the ladies. Sure, he got handcuffed at a piano bar called Ernie Biggs in Little Rock. He gets a little passionate about organs and whatever. That's all. Nothing to it."

According to a regular at the exotic nightspot, a willowy 20-something of indeterminate gender named Kris, McFadden became incensed when someone cut in front of him to offer the pianist a large tip to play Billy Joel's "Piano Man."

"I was here first!" McFadden reportedly yelled. "I'm waiting patiently to request Gershwin's 'Rhapsody in Blue' when this jerk pushes in and gets 'Piano Man.' I'm sick of 'Piano Man.' He plays that goddamned song a hundred times a night. I want Gershwin. I'm being disrespected."

And so on.

"It's a big responsibility being a director of personnel," said one executive who didn't want to be identified. "I'm an important man because we have a high draft pick because we lost a lot of games because the guys I picked previously were sucky. And a man as important as me doesn't want to worry about some guy's attraction to pianists.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Head Coach Interview with Dolphins Goes Poorly

jeff tydeman — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 11:44:29 -0500

The Miami Dolphins gave a surprise interview to a little-known candidate and may have regretted it. By all accounts, things did not go well.

Bill "Bud" Spencer, running backs coach at Shithead State, said "I don't think I got the job.

"First, you know when you read about an interview and the guy says, 'I was just honest' or 'I'm too dumb to lie,' or something charming? Well, I didn't do that. I lied and puffed myself up to be this great guy that I'm nowhere near being, and I think they saw through that. I padded my resume something fierce. I said I coached five years at Notre Dame even though I just drove by it on the interstate. Apparently they check up on stuff like that.

"I dropped a couple names to get out of it, but it turned out Jeff Ireland, the new guy in charge there, knew them personally. So he asked me a couple follow-up questions and I had to admit I didn't know those people at all, and that he had caught me in a prevarication. That didn't seem to go over well. I decided to crack a joke.

"Hey, I saw a bunch of chicken bones in the waiting room—what, were you just talking to a Rooney Rule candidate? Ha ha,get it?

"There was an uncomfortable silence. So Bill Parcells says, 'What's your opinion on the spread offense?' I poked him in his ample gut and said, 'I don't know, but THIS spread is pretty offensive.' He slapped my hand away and looked annoyed.

"Wayne Huzienga mentioned he was a Christian and I screamed at him, 'You worship a false God sir, and that's all I'll say on the matter.'

"Next they asked me if I preferred 3-4 or 4-3. I said I liked the 3-4: three shots of Jack and four beer chasers! They said, all concerned like, 'you're not a drunk are you,' and I looked them in the eye and said, 'as the Good Lord is my witness, on the grave of my beloved mother, may I die and go to Hell if I'm lying, I haven't had a drink in five years.'

"At that point they produced the bartender from the Flanigans down the street from the stadium and he showed my credit card receipt showing that I'd pounded five pints of Killian Red shortly before the interview.

"I stood up and said 'I may be a boozehound but I don't do drugs! I wish there was a drug-testing kit here right now so I could take one.' Well, it turns out they DID have a drug test right there, and I came up positive for 47 different substances, including twelve designer versions of ecstasy, a rare peyote cactus grown in Equitorial Guinea, and heroin sold only by the Moscow Mafia family.

"It went downhill from there."

Roger Clemens: That's My Story, and I'm Sticking to It!

jeff tydeman — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 12:21:55 -0500

Roger Clemens has revealed his strategy in responding to accusations about steroid use:

He's going to lie repeatedly and emphatically until hopefully the whole thing goes away.

"I'm good at psyching myself up to do crazy stuff," said Clemens, "whether it's pitching a baseball a hundred miles an hour, throwing a broken bat at Mike Piazza, or jogging five miles after a long day on the mound even though it's been shown to be bad for your ankles. I mean, my tendons are practically turning to dust. Wait, I mean, they aren't. AREN'T! God this is making me annngggrrry!"

Here he grew several feet, turned green, and ripped his clothes so that they barely covered his genitalia.

Next, I yelled a question into the third ear growing from Clemens' forehead.

"What have you and your lawyer worked out?"

"One finger means the high hard lie, two fingers, a meandering fib, and three fingers I deliver an out-of-left-field fabrication," Clemens said. "If he holds down a clenched fist, I'm supposed to just start punching people while he fires up the spaceship and we escape to Rigel 5...'til I return for my induction into the Hall of Fame."

Later the Red Sox, Blue Jay, Yankee, and Astro pitcher flew to New Hampshire to hug Hillary Clinton; they both cried quietly at the injustice of it all.

Meanwhile, Barry Bonds is going to stick to stonewalling, and periodically popping out of limos to duck into a courtroom wearing a four-thousand dollar suit and a smug look on his face.

"It's worked for me so far," Bonds allowed himself to be quoted. "People really like me!"

Pete Rose, on other hand, warned against fessing up:

"They told me if I admitted gambling on baseball I'd be forgiven, so I did, and they just said, 'See, he admits it.' So don't do that," offered Rose, sorting through discarded quinella tickets on the disgusting floor of a Brooklyn OTB.

Jeff Tydeman: In Briefs

jeff tydeman — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 09:13:22 -0500

These hee-larious observations didn't merit a whole article...

BILL BELICHICK COACH OF THE YEAR

Must have been his dapper sense of sartorial style or general likability that put him over the top.

DAKAR 400 CANCELED DUE TO TERROR THREAT

Too bad...because that might have been more entertaining.

"French car No. 4 is in the lead...(ka-BOOM)...wait, we have a change at the top of the leaderboard!"

CONGRESS SUMMONS CLEMENS TO TESTIFY

Because we just can't get enough of the steroid thing....and since we face no bigger problems as a nation...by all means let's throw a few more hundred thousand dollars worth of time at the juice crusade.

Who benefits from this constant legal crap? Hmmm, right on the tip of my tongue—oh yeah...LAWYERS!

GEORGE MITCHELL INVESTIGATES MY APARTMENT

Now that his report on baseball is finished, the obviously bored former Senator has time to try to find out why my place smells like feet and ass.

MARLINS SIGN JORGE CANTU

Print up those World Series Tickets, Florida!

NFL TEAMS THINK ABOUT HAVING PLAYERS KILLED

Impressed by the emotion and team-bonding engendered by the death of Sean Taylor, other NFL teams are beginning to consider bumping off expendable players.

First ones to come to mind: the kicker, a practice squad guy, the third-string quarterback, or Bill Romanowski. Or maybe the mascot. There are WAY too many of these geeks around.

By the way, we know you have a hidden section in the felt that you can see out of—so quit pretending you're a big head, a big cat, or a leprechaun!

West Virginia Got Way Too Drunk Last Night—And Hired Bill Stewart

jeff tydeman — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 13:00:40 -0500

Here's a transcript of a call this morning between old friends—West Virginia University and Pitt.

Pitt: What? Who's bothering me? It's early.

WVU: Pitt, it's me, West Virginia. Sorry to wake you up, but I needed to talk to someone.

Pitt: Mountaineer! Wassup bud? You're not calling about us beating you and knocking you out of national championship consideration, is it? Sorry, but you know, Wannstedt is gonna win a big game occasionally...it was nothing personal.

WVU: No, it's not that. Dude, I think I got really drunk last night.

Pitt: You had a big win, it's understandable. Just chill out, drink lots of fluids, and it'll wear off.

WVU: No, I mean I did a couple stupid things. Like, I got a tatoo.

Pitt: Cool! Lots of people do that.

WVU: Of Clay Aiken?

Pitt: He's a gifted singer. Don't sweat it bro. Tat regret is common.

WVU: It gets worse. I woke up next to this total skank—I think we were intimate.

Pitt: We've all been there dude. Don't sweat it.

WVU: I think we got married.

Pitt: Just get it annulled, like Britney did when she married...Shaun Alexander, I think it was. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

WVU: I'm not even sure it's a chick, dude, it might be a dude, dude.

Pitt: Man, it's 2008. We've all had a bisexual fling here and there. No need to beat yourself up about it.

WVU: He might have given me HIV, bro.

Pitt: Don't worry bra, they have pills for that now.

WVU: Wow man, you're the best. I feel so much better getting that off my chest. You're a true friend, dude. Oh, and one other silly little thing. I was so psyched about winning the Tostitos Brand Corn Chip Fiesta Brand Bowl Game Brand, that I signed Bill Stewart to a contract to be head coach.

Pitt: WHAT!?! Please tell me it's a one-year deal.

WVU: No, five years.

Pitt: Dude—YOU...FUCKED...UPPPP!!!!

Exclusive Interview: Going Global with the BCS

jeff tydeman — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:40:44 -0500

The following is an excerpt from my exclusive interview with Juatta Morron, the man pushing to extend BCS championship protocol beyond the realm of college football...

JT: You not only LIKE the BCS system, you think it should be applied to other events?

Morron: Oh, most definitely. See, people enjoy controversy, and arguing over the various injustices of the BCS adds to that, like salsa on a taco.

JT: So, because it's stupid and upsets everyone...that's a good thing?

Morron: Yes, I call it the Rosie O'Donnell Method. Anyway, these college athletes aren't getting paid. It's unfair to ask them to play extra games.

JT: I don't think there's a kid in college football who doesn't support a playoff; it would give the athletes a chance to market themselves nationally, maybe attract pro interest. That's hardly exploitation. I mean, dude, the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament is a beloved part of modern American life.

Morron: I'm not so sure about that. It leaves a lot to be desired. Sure, March Madness is wildly popular, has high ratings, makes millions, promotes the sport, and has an unblemished history of thrilling finishes...but so what?

Here's how I'd handle it: Right now, North Carolina would play the third-best team in the SEC, and if the Tar Heels managed to win, they'd be the national champion. Or maybe the winner of another game, say Memphis versus the second Pac-10 team who was refused by one of the sub-tournaments, might claim they were better and got cheated and so forth. Nothing would be clear-cut. Wouldn't that be more fun?

JT: Um, in a word, no. You even want to convert professional golf to the BCS system?

Morron: Absolutely. You'd take the winners of several important holes and have them meet later in the year. Whoever did something on a certain day would win, like Tiger teeing off while hopping on one foot, or Rory Sabbatini playing with a putter stuck in his hoo-ha. It could change from year to year. Total hoot!

JT: I'm confused...

Morron: THAT'S the beauty of it. It works in real life, too. Instead of proposing to the woman you love, you'd have to choose from some other chicks you weren't that attracted to, because that way there'd be controversy, which would zing up the marriage, nowhaI'msayin?

(Here he holds up a hand for a high-five, which I pretend not to notice.)

Or your 401K, that could always be "up in the air"...makes for an interesting retirement, huh?

Suddenly, several large men came in and dragged Mr. Morron away.

"You're not done with me," he screamed, "I still control college football!"

Cam Cameron Upbeat About Imminent Dismissal

jeff tydeman — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 19:20:21 -0500

Soon-to-be-shitcanned Cam Cameron is looking forward to the inevitable.

"I think it will be a very positive termination," said the future ex-coach of the Miami Dolphins. "Everyone here is working hard to get me let go as efficiently and with as best an outcome as can be achieved.

"I'm gonna meet with Bill Parcells, he's going to say, 'You're fired,' and we'll move on from there," Cameron added. "Well, I won't, but you get the idea."

Coach Cameron has the support of his players.

"Him getting fired is going to be tough for everyone, but we'll pull through it as a team," said star defensive end Jason Taylor. "Not Cam, of course—he'll be gone. But we appreciate the work he'll have done to prepare us the best we can be prepared for him to get fired."

Cameron's efforts to reassure the Tuna have been unconvincing. First, he didn't know whether to call a timeout to teleconference Parcells, then he bungled an attempt to review the call, deleting it instead.

Next, Cameron thought maybe he could have Trent Green go to Parcells and speak on his behalf, but Green was ineffective, and hurt his tongue trying to speak. The coach could have asked Daunte Culpepper or Brady Quinn to recommend him, but he had already passed on both despite the fact that either would have been better than his final choice.

"I thought Cleo Lemon could give me a good word, but he was mediocre, so I tried to have John Beck praise me," Cameron said. "But he wasn't impressive so it came back to Cleo, and then he hurt himself crossing the carpet into Parcells' office, and missed the door by a pylon's length."

Coach Cameron will have defensive coordinator Dom Capers take his cardboard boxes full of failure to his car in the parking lot, so Capers will have experience getting fired in the event that Cameron isn't available for some reason.

Is the incipient pink slip deserved, Cam?

"I stand by my record," Cameron said. "I'm proud of that win!"

Breaking News: Bowl Game Anticipated by All

jeff tydeman — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 13:13:48 -0500

Everybody in this friendly, historic American city is excited about the corporate-sponsored college football bowl game to be played here over the holidays.

"We're really enthused about having these two teams, who have fought so hard and against such adversity, only to triumph triumphantly, come here to play a basically meaningless exhibition game in front of thousands of people who will be here and see a game played," said Frank Whiteman, organizer and president of the local bowl, in a jocular manner.

Both teams deplaned to interest from people at the airport.

"This is a business trip for us," declared the quarterback from the first team to arrive, a handsome and intense young man. "If we see some sights, like the local spot that is famous, or eat a gluttonous buffet at a chain restaurant, great. But we look at this as a chance to win and avenge ourselves of things that may or may not have been written or said about us."

The other team, which flew in second, was a stark contrast.

"This is a reward for us having a successful season, so I want to see the kids have a good time," claimed their coach, a beloved man of immense weight and health problems. "At the same time, we'll do our best to win the game that will be played here in this American city at the famous building where so many sporting events have transpired. Of course, if we win, that would silence the people who have allegedly criticized us this year."

And the coaches and players weren't the only ones excited.

"I'm just enjoying this weather, which is completely different from the weather we have in the city where the team that I root for comes from," said Steve Mancuso, a fan of one of the teams playing in the college football bowl game here. "This entire experience is so unique, it couldn't possibly be described generically."

Atlanta Falcons: They Really Stink

jeff tydeman — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 20:24:01 -0500

"Hello, A-One Carpet Cleaners. How can I help you?"

"There's a terrible odor in my house that I was hoping you could get rid of. It's nauseating, like a cross between a meat-rendering plant and a raw sewage backup. The wallpaper wilted, my kids are getting taunted at school, and the cat died."

"Do you have any idea what's causing it?"

"Well, one odd thing happened. A couple members of the professional Atlanta football team dropped by for a couple minutes."

"Oh-oh, there you have it. Sorry to tell you this, ma'am, but you've got Falcons."

"Oh my GOD!"

"It's going to take way more than running a shampooer over the rug. That house has to be re-built from the foundation—it's a total loss."

"But they were only here briefly. I showed them out as soon as I realized who they were, honest."

"You have to understand—Falcons have a highly-toxic, highly-concentrated stench, like Strontium 90. Even a tiny particle can kill a man. Vladmir Putin, when he was chief of the KGB, had an Atlanta special-teams player hug a Russian defector, and the guy was dead within a week."

"There are helicopters circling and a van just pulled up. People in hazmat suits are climbing out! What is happening?"

"Try to stay calm. Those are EPA operatives. Federal law requires me to immediately report any cases of Falcons. You'll be in quarantine for a while, I'm afraid."

"How long? How long will I be segregated from normal society?"

"I don't know, ma'am. We just don't know how long the stinking will go on."

Dirty Words: Sports Cliches That Have to Go

jeff tydeman — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 19:16:26 -0500

The following sports clichés need to be put to sleep faster than your grandmother's yippy, flatulent, incontinent poodle...

"UNCHARTERED WATERS"

You're an idiot. You mean "uncharted waters," as in faraway seas for which no map yet exists.

"Unchartered" means you're not leasing a boat by the hour.

"HE'S A PLAYMAKER"/"WE NEED PLAYMAKERS"

There's a perfect two-word phrase for "playmaker": "good player"...as in, "our team needs good players," or "Peyton Manning is a good player."

It has the added advantage of being clearer and coming first.

"ASTERISK"

This denotes the user's general disapproval of the person/people setting a new record.

"The Patriots deserve an asterisk cuz they cheated against the Jets."

"Barry Bonds' records get an asterisk."

Whatever dude. Honestly, I just don't know what to say anymore. Whatever. Don't eat ice cream, don't have sex, don't do anything.

Your lack of enjoyment at the wondrous things in sports, and Life, no longer interests ME, and I feel a little sorry for you!*

"HE MADE A GOOD FOOTBALL PLAY"

In other words, while playing football, the guy didn't pull out a mitt or hockey stick and make a play from one of those sports.

* Bear in mind, I was high on steroids and videotaping another sports columnist while I wrote that!

Seacrest OUT!