Bleacher Report - Articles by Kent Moore

The Replacements: College Football's Newest Mascots

Kent Moore — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 21:33:41 -0500

The college football offseason is the most boring part of the year for me. I vehemently search around the web in hopes of finding some interesting football-related article to satisfy my appetite. Many days I go hungry.

One day I found myself looking at every team mascot in the FBS and I thought for a moment, “Wow! There are some pretty lame and overused mascots out there.” So, of course, I began to conjure up all kinds of wholesome mascots that have been sitting on the sidelines just waiting to get that call from upstairs telling them it’s their time.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of cool mascots out there and I applaud those schools for wanting to intimidate their opponents. But to others (you know who you are, too) I have to ask, “What were you thinking?”

Listed alphabetically by conference:

First the BCS Conferences

ACC

Best Mascot: Miami Hurricanes—Every second a hurricane releases as much energy as an explosion from a nuclear bomb. Now that’s power. Good job Miami.

Honorable Mention: Wake Forrest Demon Deacons—Any mascot that uses “Demon” to describe it gets two thumbs up.

Worst Mascot: Maryland Terps—Sure you tried to make the turtle look all mean and scary, but you’re not fooling anyone. Maybe if you were the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Terrapins” I could let it slide. You’d be heroes in a half shell!

New Mascot: Maryland Malaria—Yeah, I went there. Your mascot is now a deadly disease—probably the first recorded disease mascot in sports history. Every year, malaria kills between one and three million people worldwide. Talk about striking fear in your opponent.

Dishonorable Mention: Virginia Tech Hokies (Virginia Tech Vampires or Vultures)—One is the living dead and the other eats the dead…pick one.

Big East

Best Mascot: Pittsburgh Panthers—Pitt went conservative on this one and I can dig it. It’s a fan favorite. Like peanut butter and jelly or spaghetti and meatballs. Any man-eating animal is a smart choice.

Honorable Mention: West Virginia Mountaineers—A bearded man covered from head to toe in animal skin drives the ladies crazy.

Worst Mascot: Syracuse Orange—Who didn’t see this one coming? Out of all the cool things in this world, Syracuse went with fruit. Oranges aren’t even grown in Syracuse. The only edible fruit that I know of that is somewhat frightening is the coconut. It has been known to kill people when it falls from the tree.

New Mascot: Syracuse Sasquatch—I was leaning towards the Abominable Snowmen but I went with the North American version of Bigfoot. I have one task for you Syracuse—find a real life Sasquatch! You could chain it up and bring it to all the sporting events and parade it around like other schools do with their mascots (buffaloes, tigers, etc.). How awesome would that be?

Dishonorable Mention: South Florida Bulls (South Florida Stingrays or Sharks)—Bulls in Florida make no sense. Stingrays or sharks in Florida make perfect sense.

Big Ten

Best Mascot: Michigan Wolverines—As an Ohio State fan this is really hard for me to do but I’m picking that team up north. Wolverines have a nasty disposition and are known to take on bears and wolves for food. That takes some serious balls.

Honorable Mention: Michigan State Spartans—Watch the movie 300 and you’ll see why.

Worst Mascot: Indiana Hoosiers—What the hell is a Hoosier anyway? Legend has it that back in the early pioneer days when someone would approach a cabin at a village they would always call out so they didn't surprise those in the cabin. They would yell out, "Hello inside.” Then they would be "greeted" by a loud response of, "Who's here?" This eventually became "Hoosier.” Awful.

New Mascot: Indiana Incas—We have the Aztecs in college football. Why don’t we have the Incas as well? These guys would sacrifice people like it was going out of style. Sure they were wiped from the face of the earth by the Spanish Empire and the diseases they brought with them but, for a few hundred years, these guys were the heat.

Dishonorable Mention: Ohio State Buckeyes (Ohio State Henchmen)—I give the nod to Indiana only because their mascot is so bad and because Ohio State at least picked a poisonous nut instead of something edible like a cashew.

Big 12

Best Mascot: Iowa State Cyclones—Like the Miami Hurricanes, Iowa State decided to use a natural weather phenomenon as their mascot. Many people think that a cyclone is just another name for a tornado. However, cyclones are more related to hurricanes.

Honorable Mention: Missouri Tigers—Although you might want to get an eye exam. Last time I checked, a tiger was orange and black.

Worst Mascot: Oklahoma Sooners—Nothing against OU. I just don’t think their mascot is all that interesting. You picked ordinary people who really didn’t do anything special as your mascot. Just a bunch of John Does that settled unassigned lands in Oklahoma prior to the Indian Appropriations Act. Whoop-de-do.

New Mascot: Oklahoma Oxen—Picture the Red River Rivalry featuring the Texas Longhorns vs. the Oklahoma Oxen. An ox is a monstrous animal and would give a longhorn a round for its money. Before every game, put the ox and Bevo into a ring and let them duke it out. PETA would be up in arms, but Vegas would love the idea of taking those bets.

Dishonorable Mention: Baylor Bears (Baylor Bandits)—Bears are overused. Think for yourselves.

Pac-10

Best Mascot: Arizona State Sun Devils—What is hotter than the sun? Nothing. What is more badass than a devil? Nothing. Now put the two together and what do you get? The hottest badass around. Can anyone refute this? Doubtful. Nice work ASU.

Honorable Mention: USC Trojans—You just can’t beat a Sun Devil. I’m sorry. But you are a close second.

Worst Mascot: Stanford Cardinal—Do I really need explain myself here? How a school picks a color as its mascot is beyond me. And don’t even get me started on that walking tree thing you got roaming the sidelines. Let’s just get this over with.

New Mascot: Stanford Stallions—Being called the Stallions is a thousand times better than being called the Cardinal. Stallions are strong and demand respect. Cardinal doesn’t do anything. Plus you have all your working parts down there if you know what I mean. You wouldn’t want to be called the Stanford Geldings would you?

Dishonorable Mention: California Bears (California Crocodiles)—One bear per conference. Plus, Bruins sounds better.

SEC

Best Mascot: Florida Gators—It is pretty tough to find an animal as ferocious as a 15-foot lizard. I just don’t see any other mascot in the SEC going toe-to-toe with a gator. I would have chosen Alabama but I don’t know what you are. You say you are the Crimson Tide which leads me to believe you are toxic algae in the Gulf of Mexico. But your mascot is an elephant? It confuses me so I’m sticking with Florida.

Honorable Mention: Arkansas Razorbacks—You took something somewhat fierce and totally brought it to the next level. A razorback sounds much meaner than a hog.

Worst Mascot: Mississippi State Bulldogs—You all know I am not a fan of two teams in the same conference sharing the same mascot (See Pac-10). It is ridiculous. Can we not think of something original? Georgia Bulldogs sounds better than Mississippi State Bulldogs so I’m picking on you all. But don’t worry. Your new mascot will kick the tar out of bulldog.

New Mascot: Mississippi State Mongols—What did I tell you? Instead of a dog you have one of the most blood thirsty civilizations in human history. Their empire covered 22 percent of the Earth’s total land area! The largest empire ever. You could dress some dude up like Genghis Khan and have him come barreling out onto the field on a horse. I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

Dishonorable Mention: LSU Tigers (LSU Ligers or Leopards)—Piggy-backing off of the bulldogs—two tigers in one conference is silly. Since Auburn got closest to the actual colors of a tiger, they stay.

Now the Non-BCS Conferences.

C-USA

Best Mascot: Marshall Thundering Herd

Honorable Mention: East Carolina Pirates

Worst Mascot: Rice Owls

New Mascot: Rice Romans—We have the Spartans and Trojans. Now it is time to bring Caesar and the gang into the mix. Similar to USC, the mascot would be dressed in armor and ride around on a horse. Veni, vidi, vici.

Dishonorable Mention: Tulane Green Wave (Tulane Tornadoes)—Green Wave sounds silly. A Tornado is the real deal. Plus, you would get to see the Tulane Tornadoes versus the Tulsa Hurricane in conference play.

MAC

Best Mascot: Toledo Rockets

Honorable Mention: Ohio Bobcats

Worst Mascot: Ball State Cardinals

New Mascot: Ball State Box Jellyfish—You may think I’m joking but these guys mean business. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and drown before reaching the shore. Wow.

Dishonorable Mention: Akron Zips (Akron Apes)—Do you want a funny kangaroo as your mascot or an animal that can tear the limbs off a human being? You decide.

MWC

Best Mascot: San Diego State Aztecs

Honorable Mention: UNLV Rebels

Worst Mascot: Wyoming Cowboys

New Mascot: Wyoming Water Buffalo—Don’t F*** with these behemoths. I’m not even going to beat around the bush. Water buffaloes are badass.

Dishonorable Mention: Air Force Falcons (Air Force Raptors)—Why limit yourself to one predatory bird when you can be associated with all predatory birds?

Sun Belt

Best Mascot: Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns

Honorable Mention: Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks

Worst Mascot: North Texas Mean Green

New Mascot: North Texas Tarantulas—This one sounds like the university just couldn’t come to an agreement on what the mascot should be so some idiot said, “How about we call ourselves the Mean Green and we will use a bird as our mascot?” Are there even any birds that are green? Tarantulas are a much better fit for you all.

Dishonorable Mention: Florida Atlantic Owls (Florida Atlantic Admirals)—I didn’t like the Rice Owls and I don’t like the Florida Atlantic Owls. The Temple Owls were lucky the MAC has some horrible mascots or I would’ve changed their name.

WAC

Best Mascot: Idaho Vandals

Honorable Mention: Hawaii Warriors

Worst Mascot: Utah State Aggies

New Mascot: Utah State Uranium—Uranium is mined in Utah so I thought this would be a perfect mascot. You are now the main ingredient in making a weapon of mass destruction. Your logo could be an atom with electrons orbiting around it. Or you could go with a big mushroom cloud.

Dishonorable Mention: Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (Louisiana Tech Lions)—Again with the bulldogs. I am surprised that no FBS college has adopted the lion as its mascot.

What do you think? Did I miss any awful mascots? Let me know.

College Football's Division in Division I-A

Kent Moore — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 07:49:38 -0500

Division I-A schools.

They come from all directions. From the Hawaiian Islands to "Death Valley." From Ann Arbor to Austin.

They come in all shapes and colors. You have Domers, Devils, and Dawgs. You have Bears, Bulls, and Bobcats. You have the Mean Green, Black Knights, Cardinal, Green Wave, and Golden Flashes.

Eleven conferences and 120 teams competing for the same prize...a national championship.

Really? All 120 teams? Do they all really have an equal opportunity in obtaining this goal?

The answer is a resounding NO.

We have dissension in the ranks of Division I-A. Sixty-six teams have staged a coup to form their own private club with a sign out front that reads, "No Vacancy."

That club is called, "The Big Six Conferences + Notre Dame."

As fans, why do we turn away from this glaring problem in college football? Why do we complain more about the shortcomings of the BCS than we do about the lack of equal representation among Div. I-A schools? And this problem has been around long before the BCS era began, so we can’t point a finger of blame at them.

To put this dilemma in perspective, it is like saying that the NFC East and the AFC West are no longer on the same level as the rest of the NFL. Those divisions still belong to the NFL...but only on paper. Furthermore, they also lose their rights to participate in the draft. Instead, they can only pick over the undrafted athletes and players from the CFL.

Lastly, even if they go undefeated, they will never be able to play for the Lombardi Trophy.

Can you imagine if Commissioner Roger Goodell stood behind a podium and actually said that? There would be rioting in the streets, and he’d have to flee for his life.

However, in college football, this is widely accepted as normal. Teams from the WAC, Sun Belt, MAC, Mountain West, and C-USA, along with three Independents, are told that they belong to Div. I-A, but they will never be able to play for a national title. Their best will never be good enough. Their highest achievements will always fall short.

We all know the examples out there. Boise State in 2006 and 2008. Hawaii in 2007. Utah in 2004 and 2008. All went undefeated in the regular season, and all were left out of playing for a national championship.

If I were a player on one of those teams, I’d have to seriously question why I’m playing this game in the first place.

In my opinion, if the non-BCS schools will never play for a national championship, then get rid of them. Put them in another division and allow them to play for their own national title.

But we know that this will never happen.

So, what can be done to level the playing field in Division I-A?

Would a playoff make things equal? Would allowing all 11 conference champions into BCS bowls help in creating equality in college football?

How about getting rid of the term "BCS Conference?" Would that help in dispersing the talent among all 120 teams?

Open to comments and opinions.

Houston, “We” and I Have a Problem: College Football's Most Misused Word

Kent Moore — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:43:46 -0500

According to Webster’s Online Dictionary, the definition of the word "we" is,

"…the word with which a person in speaking or writing denotes a number or company of which he is one…"

The key phrase in that definition is, "of which he is one." You see, you have to be a part of some group of people or some activity that involves a group of people to use the word "we." Example…

"We are the best plastic surgeons in this hospital."

"We finished the marathon in four hours."

Now, I’m not a plastic surgeon and I don’t run marathons. Therefore, I can never be associated with these groups of people.

You will never hear me say, "We finished the marathon in four hours," because I’ve never ran 26.2 miles. If I said that, I would be taking the credit of someone else’s hard work and dedication.

The same can be said in the collegiate and professional sports world. The misuse of the word "we" in sports, especially college football, has become a growing plague that seems to be spreading out of control.

Nothing gets under my skin more than a beer-bellied, one-legged, 45-year-old fan saying things like,

"WE are the best team in the country."

"Did you see the way WE dominated on defense?"

"If WE didn’t throw that interception, WE would’ve won that game."

Did you help that team become the best in the country? Did you contribute to the domination of that team’s defense? Did you throw that interception to cost that team the game?

NO, YOU DID NOT!

YOU watched that team become the best in the country, YOU cheered as that team dominated on defense, and YOU threw your beer can at the television when that quarterback threw that interception.

Using the word "we" when talking about a team in which you do not belong to is wrong. You are taking credit for other people’s work.

There is a word they use in literature to describe this. Its called plagiarism.

You are stealing other people’s accomplishments and pawning them off as your own, like you were directly responsible for their achievement.

You wouldn’t walk down the streets of NYC, tapping on your friend’s shoulder while pointing at every skyscraper saying, "You like the work we did on that building?"

Likewise, you wouldn’t go into someone’s hospital room and put your arm around their doctor and say, "We saved your life."

So why do you think it is appropriate to say things like,

"We really need to work on our passing game."

"We scored 30 points in the first half."

"We run the ball better than anyone else in the nation."

Did you go to all those team meetings? Did you lift all those weights and run all those miles to become stronger and faster? Did you stay up late every night to study film of next week’s opponent while everyone else was out having fun?

Did you go to all those two-a-day practices in the blistering heat, puking your guts out while being treated for dehydration? Are you out there on the field every Saturday in all kinds of weather, ranging from freezing cold and blizzards to triple-digit temperatures and 99 percent humidity, breaking your bones and getting concussions?

Did you sustain a spinal cord injury after a vicious hit and had to be carried off of the field on a stretcher because you couldn’t move your arms and legs? On top of all of that, are you trying to remain academically eligible to continue playing football?

If none of that applies to you, then don’t use the word "we." You are doing the players a disservice by taking credit for their God-given gifts, their determination and their success. You are not suffering through the same pain and torment as those players are.

Of course, there are always those that try to legitimize their right to say "we," even though most of them are 40 years old, weigh 450 pounds and have never played football in their lives. I give you the Top 3 excuses…

Excuse 1

"I am a diehard fan with season tickets and I go to every single game, even the away ones."

That’s very nice of you, but you don’t contribute anything to the team’s success on the field. Yes, you may cheer your heart out, but you aren’t running a crossing route through the middle of the field, knowing that a linebacker is waiting to take your head off as soon as the ball touches your fingers.

Excuse 2

"I am a student at the school, so I should be able to say ‘we.’"

You may be a student, but while you were out partying with your friends, drinking alcohol from 11 a.m. until 6 o'clock the next morning, the players were practicing and studying their playbook before going to bed at 8 p.m. so they can get up at 3 a.m. for weightlifting. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t cut it.

Excuse 3

"I played on the team back in 1965. That gives me the right to be a part of the team forever."

Not really. If you want to say things like, "Back in 1965, we were ranked No. 5 in the nation at one point," then go right ahead. You were a part of that team back then, so you have every right to take credit for that accomplishment.

But when you finally graduated and were no longer on the team’s roster, you lost all your "we" privileges.

So, what can "we," as a group of fans, do to cure this growing epidemic? It is really quite simple. Every time you are going to use the word "we," replace it with "they." Instead of saying "our," use the word "their." BAM!!! You are healed. Check it out…

INCORRECT: "We gained over 400 yards of offense on them."

CORRECT: "They gained over 400 yards of offense on them."

You can’t get any easier than that.

Until you spill the same blood, sweat, and tears that these men spill week in and week out, give your favorite team their due credit by referring to them as something in which you are not a part of. You are a fan and a fan only.

You sit in the stands or on your couch, shoving pizza, hotdogs, BBQ, and beer into your mouth while the team does all the hard work.

The same team that sacrifices countless hours and gives up so much just to be able to wear their team’s jersey and step onto that field on gameday.

"WE" as fans should be more respectful and know our role.

The Mythical Playoff System: One Man's Great White Whale

Kent Moore — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:37:52 -0500

I have been surfing the BleacherReport world for several months now and a recurring theme keeps rearing its ugly head. Would a playoff in college football really solve everything?

Many people have given their thoughts on the subject and have laid out different ways in which the playoff system would work. So what does someone like me do in this situation? Well, I pick up a stick and continue to beat the dead horse.

DISCLAIMER: I do not, under any circumstance, believe we should go to a playoff system in college football. I have welcomed the BCS system into my home with open arms and I do not plan on kicking it out any time soon. So with that…let us get to the meat of this article.

If someone came up to me and wielded a weapon and said, "I demand you create a playoff system in college football," this is what I envision would be my masterpiece.

1.) THE SPLIT: Divide D-I into two equal halves: D-IA and D-IB. Each division consists of 6 conferences with 10 teams to each conference. Both divisions have a separate National Title that they play for. Because lets face it, under the current system, teams like Ball State, Fresno State and Tulane would never play for a National Title.

Just look at 2006. Boise State was the only undefeated D-I school left at the end of the bowl season and they only climbed to fifth. In 2007, Hawaii was the only undefeated team left at the end of the regular season and wasn’t even considered for the NCG. Under this system, EVERY team has a realistic shot at a National Title.

D-IA contains all six BCS conferences (tweaked slightly), and D-IB contains all non-BCS conferences (again, tweaked slightly).

For the sake of time, I have only drawn out how D-IA would look. Please don’t blow an O-ring if your team wasn’t selected. There are loopholes that will be discussed later.

(Teams in bold are additions to the conference)

ACC: Clemson, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Maryland, Miami, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Virginia, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest (Duke has been demoted to D-IB).

Big East: Boston College, Cincinnati, Connecticut, Louisville, Notre Dame, Penn State, Pittsburgh, Rutgers, South Florida, WVU (Syracuse has been demoted to D-IB).

Big Ten: Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Missouri, Northwestern, Ohio State, Purdue, Wisconsin (Indiana has been demoted to D-IB).

Big 12: Colorado, Kansas, Kansas State, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas A&M, TCU, Texas Tech (Iowa State and Baylor have been demoted to D-IB).

Pac-10: Arizona, Arizona State, Boise State, BYU, California, Oregon, Oregon State, UCLA, USC, Utah(Washington and Washington State have been demoted to D-IB).

SEC: Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, LSU, Ole Miss, South Carolina, Tennessee (Mississippi State and Vanderbilt demoted to D-IB).

2.) THE SEASON: Each team plays a 12-game season. Everyone's season begins on the last Saturday in August and everyone receives a bye week after six games. Each team plays nine conference games plus three non-conference games that are randomly selected at the end of the previous season.

The non-conference games are played first, followed by conference play. Six games are played at home and six are played away. If a team gets two non-conference away games one year, the next year they will two home games.

**Example Season—Oregon**

@ Auburn

Nebraska

@ Boston College

Arizona State

@ Oregon State

Boise State

--Bye Week--

@ USC

Arizona

@ California

UCLA

@ Utah

BYU

If your team gets USC, Florida, and Texas as their non-conference match-ups, then tough luck. There will be no more complaining about teams not traveling out of their region or teams scheduling weak non-conference opponents. Everything is random.

3.) THE RANKINGS: The official rankings come out midway through the season and are completely run by computers. Humans bring emotion and their biased opinions into play when ranking teams.

Computers are lifeless, cold hard calculators that could care less about last year’s rankings or if you have a storied program or that your cheerleaders are the hottest in the country.

The rankings are strictly based on a team’s overall record and strength of schedule. The need to run up the score on opponents is no longer necessary since margin of victory has been eliminated. No such thing as "style points" anymore. A win is a win is a win.

4.) THE PLAYOFFS: Under the designed season above, at the end of 12 games there could only be a maximum of six undefeated teams. Therefore, the playoff is very simple…the top 6 teams are in. PERIOD. An undefeated team will never be left out of the playoffs.

Also winning your conference doesn’t mean squat unless you are in the top six at the end of the season. The conferences are only in place for the sole purpose of keeping teams from traveling all across the country six times a year to play games. These are student athletes, not professionals.

Under this system, the top two teams will receive a bye week while teams three, four, five and six play in quarterfinal games. The quarterfinal and semifinal games are played using home-field advantage.

**Example Playoff**

--Quarterfinals--

No. 6 Pittsburgh @ No. 3 Florida

No. 5 Texas @ No. 4 USC

--Semifinals--

No. 3 Florida @ No. 2 Michigan

No. 4 USC @ No. 1 Miami

The playoffs start the first week after the season with the Championship game being played on New Year’s Day at one of the current BCS Bowls (Rose, Sugar, Fiesta, Orange). The rest of the bowls will be divided amongst D-IA and D-IB schools.

Schools will still need to have a winning record in order to go to a bowl game. Oh, and one more thing. Since every team in a conference plays each other, NO CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES! Conference champions are decided by wins and losses and head-to-head match-ups.

5.) THE PLAYOFF COMMITTEE: Remember that comment above about not freaking out if your school didn’t make it to D-IA? Well, here is the reason why. At the end of each season, a playoff committee comprised of specific, qualified individuals (Not School Presidents or Athletic Directors) will meet to discuss the performances of every single team in both D-IA and D-IB.

Every fourth year, the committee will vote on either promoting or demoting schools to either division. If, for example, BYU has been underachieving in D-IA while Washington has won two National Titles in D-IB, the committee may vote to promote Washington and demote BYU. A team must be getting promoted in order for there to be a demotion. The 60-team division must be kept.

You may be asking yourself, "What happens if Washington is the only team that gets promoted and Clemson is the only team that is promoted? Does Washington join the ACC?" I’ve come up with two possible solutions to this problem. Pick your poison.

A.The conferences get reorganized in order to keep the balance. In the case of Washington and Clemson, BYU would be moved to the Big 12, Texas A&M would move to the SEC and South Carolina would join the ACC.

B. You get rid of the conferences completely and each team’s schedule is randomly selected at the end of each season. In this case, an east coast team may travel to the west coast 6 times in one season to play games.

If given a choice, I would pick option A.

6.) RINSE AND REPEAT: One week after the bowl season ends, the teams receive next year’s schedule and begin the process all over again. On the years in which the committee promotes or demotes teams, the schedules will come out a week after voting.

There you have it folks. My very own playoff system. Again, you may be asking, "Why did you draw up a playoff system even though you don’t believe in it? For one…my playoff system will never become a reality. It is just too far-fetched and and would cause too many problems to ever be seriously considered.

Open to comments and suggestions.