Bleacher Report - Articles by David Jacobs

Gio-Logical Faults: What Is STILL Needed for the Tottenham Hotspur?

David Jacobs — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 12:56:53 -0500

A while ago, Spurs were humbled by Arsenal at the Emirates through a three-goal and several-sitter schooling, mostly led by Van Persie and Fabregas, who made a world-class darting run through three sleepy Spurs defenders and then calmly finished the job with a curled shot around Gomes.

We can thank Robbie Keane for the addition of the laughing stock donated to Arsenal by the Pre-Match Interview. He claimed that Spurs' were totally equal to, if not better than Arsenal. That week was coincidentally the only one where Wenger talked some sense ("ze talking is done on ze peetch...").

See, you CAN hate someone while respecting them ;)

The loss did do some good for Spurs. It highlighted what was still wrong with Spurs' squad and the way in which Harry was selecting his players. But the recent trashing of Wigan has actually shown some patching up of things.

Still, I have some advice for our Gaffer which I consider to be very sound.

So grab yourself something to help you stay up; it's a long one! ;)

1) MAKE KEANE TAKE A BREAK:

Pre-Liverpool, Keane was Spurs' striker-to-beat in terms of goals and also assists.
He never wanted to stop scoring and adapted to whichever striker was playing alongside him. Whether Keane was sharing the frontline with Frederic Kanoute, Jermain Defoe or Dimitar Berbatov, he created a unique, dynamic partnership with each. Keane also dispatched penalties as confidently as Berbatov did.

These partnerships created and successfully converted many goals which rocketed Spurs up the league table under Martin Jol to secure two Fifth-Place finishes on the bounce. One of them narrowly missed out on the much-coveted, hallowed, exalted, praised and honoured "Fourth-Place" due to uncontrollable circumstances (literally ;D). That weekend would still, to this day, be difficult to WIPE from the squad's minds (sorry, but it does sound funnier as time goes by).

However, disaster struck, just as Spurs were finding their feet after the worst
league start in history, Keane had what is now surely considered by him to be a 'brainfart' and decided to sign for his boyhood club (I'm splitting my sides), Liverpool.

At Liverpool, Keane's was undeservedly wasted on the bench in my opinion. I don't know if this was an intended part of Benitez's patented 'Rotation Policy', but Keane was regularly kept out of the starting lineup due to 'tactical reasons'; just like when Rafa substituted Benayoun 20 minutes into a match for Voronin for 'tactical reasons'; or left Gerrard out on the bench against Birmingham City on Monday night for 'tactical reasons', which only resulted in a less-than-deserved 2-2 draw because of a dodgy penalty call.

Even when Keane scored vital goals to keep Liverpool up there with the other
top teams, he was still often kept on the bench. This lack of playing time may have contributed to his severe plummet in form on his return to Spurs.

There was a rhythm he had through regular starts for Spurs that enabled him to be in top goalscoring form during every game which was disrupted, partly due to Rafa's attitude towards letting him start or even play the full 90 minutes.

His return to Spurs made me split my sides at the thought that this club, with a manager who didn't treat him the way he deserved, could possibly be the one he was waiting to play for all his life; because that's also how long he was waiting to make a start and play a full game there!

On his return to Tottenham, his style and form just fell apart at the seams. He wasn't scoring the goals, or keeping the ball long enough to create chances for others.
Harry had often played him on the left wing which wasn't making things any easier,
but even when placed directly in front of goal, he was lacking the killer instinct that Defoe has retained since coming back from struggling club Portsmouth (double-take can be made here).

Every game without Keane scoring makes the 5-0 game against Burnley and the 2-0 game against Sunderland increasingly anomalous. Keane went on to epitomise his problem by taking a feeble penalty against Everton in their recent League Cup tie.

He managed to score on the rebound, but it was part of a ‘let’s-all-swipe-wildly-at-the-ball-and-it-may-go-in-the-net-if-we’re-lucky’ scramble. It is highly concerning because Spurs, with the constant flow of injuries being sustained, are now lacking the quality in front of goal. Goals mean points; and what do points make!? (PRIZES!!!)

I do have to say though, There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that Keane has the leadership to carry the team through when The King is away. However, THAT is the only thing keeping him in the squad at all, and my good books. I find it extremely hard to understand how Keane, even with all his leadership and tactical brilliance cannot even pull off a decent performance himself anymore.

My advice would be to keep Keane off if Ledley King is playing. King is the actual Captain of the squad. He can lead the defence efficiently. Spurs’ backline has always been injury-prone; so any clean sheets attained by them have looked impressive (although I do hand 95% of the credit to Goalkeeper, Gomes).

Harry Redknapp just seems to have this idea that Keane is always needed on the pitch somewhere despite the fact that the actual Captain (King) has been placed in the lineup as well. I think Redknapp needs to grow his pair a bit more and say ‘Keane, you’re not starting today. It’s for your own good’.

On the weekend that has just been, yes - the game where the Jumbotron screens almost broke, we could’ve found Keane in goal when Lennon returned to the wing. I’d have then said to you all, ‘I told you it wouldn’t work’.

Keane is turning into the [old] David Bentley of the squad, leaving people unsure about whether he still wants to play for Spurs or not. Therefore I suggest Keane spends some time with the reserves to get his confidence back and then he’ll be back to normal.

It worked for Bentley. He got a lot of stick from me and others during his touch-drought in the first team. One goal against Arsenal only gains you so much credit. You have to do more than that and make an impact on the game by kicking the ball. Bentley just didn’t appear to do that.

He went off to the reserves and did wonders for them; then he had chances to redeem himself in League Cup matches and league games which, to his credit, he took terrifically. Bentley was getting more involved in the game, making great crosses, shooting and even scoring a few goals.

The ‘time-out’ period had worked and I had taken the words I said about him back and eaten them, bit by bit, in the form of the dessert every football fan has eaten at least once before, humble pie. Mmmm,mmmm,mmmmmm…
2) BRING THE RESERVES/LOANED PLAYERS BACK:

Spurs have loaned players out to what looks like an entire league’s worth of teams, some of which I really think Spurs are missing in the squad. Additionally, there are players who are currently in the reserves, but deserve a place in the first team. These players are:

- Jamie O’Hara (on loan at Portsmouth)
- Andros Townsend (on loan at Leyton Orient)
- Jake Livermore (on loan at Derby County)
- John Bostock (on loan at Yeovil Town)
- Adel Taarabt (on loan at Queens Park Rangers [QPR])
- Kyle Naughton (Spurs Reserves)
- Giovani Dos Santos (Spurs Reserves)

Jamie O’Hara:

I have a lot of love and respect for Jamie O’Hara. Despite his limited appearances, in all of them, he has done consistently well. I don’t recall a single match that Spurs lost with him in the squad.

His tireless work ethic and positive attitude to the game are highly coveted qualities which are missing from a lot of players in the sport today. He’s not afraid to shoot from distance and makes clean, swift passes.

He has scored a few important goals for Spurs. One being a goal against West Ham at Upton Park to secure a 2-0 victory and another he scored from distance against Slavia Prague in Spurs’ 2007/2008 UEFA Cup (now ‘Europa League’) campaign.

That was the only Spurs goal of the game which took them through to the next round on aggregate. I’d happily welcome him back from Portsmouth. It’s merely a question of whether Spurs need four back-up wingers in case Lennon or Modric can’t participate in a match.

Andros Townsend:

Scored a wonder-goal for Leyton Orient against Yeovil Town. He ran for 70 yards, dodging four Yeovil players and finished his run with a punchy strike which went into the net.

Whilst I grant you that this particular goal is merely one of two goals scored for the Os in 12 appearances, he is a winger, so getting a few goals like Aaron Lennon was up until his injury would be extremely useful. Plus, if any wingers are injured again
(Heaven forbid), he can have an opportunity or two to make a name for himself.

Jake Livermore:

Made his presence immediately known at the pre-season Wembley Cup match between Spurs and Barcelona. Livermore came on as a substitute and scored a goal to equalise against Barcelona which brought the score to 1-1. He deserves a run in the
League Cup.

John Bostock:

Has had experience at international level, making 25 appearances for England’s Under-17 squad in two years and, like Samir Nasri, been hailed as the ‘next’ Zinedine Zidane (as said by Brentford Manager, Andy Scott). Must be something there then…

Adel Taarabt:

I didn’t warm to Adel Taaaaaaaar…abt at first. He’d take the ball and then never give it to anybody else except the opposition when they tackle him. I bet some of his teammates were also tempted to tackle him so that they’d get a touch.

The in-form Moroccan has been loaned to QPR (twice – in a row(??)) from Spurs and has gone down a storm there. He has scored a few vital goals for QPR and with a style
all his own.

Using the confidence he gained from capturing the ball from the air, weaving around three Preston North End players for 20 yards and then hitting the target 25 yards away, he curled a low free kick around a Derby County wall into the net the following week; the match ended with a turntable victory for QPR, from 2-0 down to 2-4.

I still think he needs to pass more. THAT is the only thing which bothered and still bothers me. Otherwise he’d be an absolutely perfect replacement for
David Ginola…in skills, not looks…never looks ;D.

Then again, there’s no use in complaining. He’ll most likely stay at QPR beyond the end of the season (the end of the season being when his current loan contract expires) because he’s a fan favourite there and would be unfairly forced to rejoin
the reserve squad if he returned to Spurs. If he hadn’t hogged the ball
all the time he was at The Lane, things would obviously be different.

You don’t appreciate something until it’s…you know the rest...

…banging them in every week at the club they’re loaned to; correct.

Kyle Naughton:

Kyle Naughton embodies the same positive attitude as Jamie O’Hara in terms of football. He’s always first out of the gates and last to slow down. The games I’ve seen him play demonstrate a willingness to play the game and be hungry for some action (not that kind you promiscuous people).

Giovani Dos-Santos[-Ramirez]

Single-handedly/footedly (because the former would be considered as ‘handball’ of course) carrying Mexico to the 2010 FIFA World Cup Group Stage after consistently brilliant individual performances. In their match against Costa Rica, Dos Santos contributed to all three of their goals, scoring one goal from distance and assisting in the other two on swift counter attacks.

When given the chance in League Cup games for Spurs, he replicates the same classy play as if he’s still in his Mexican shirt. One run he made all by himself
against Doncaster Rovers almost ended in a goal to accompany it, but his solid strike
bounced off of the crossbar to deny him the goal.

If he can play that consistently, why doesn’t he deserve a place on the bench, if not the starting XI? Barring the fact he’s currently injured, even before he got injured, he looked ever so promising for Spurs and proved that snapping him up from Barcelona was a stroke of genius.

There is most definitely intense competition for the left-wing position with Bale, Modric and Krancjar, but Gio has just as much right to play on that team as they do. A stroke of genius for many forthcoming strikes of genius.

3) TELL DEFOE TO NOT BE A MUPPET TWO WEEKS BEFORE A DERBY MATCH!

Jermaine Defoe showed the whole world (and Fabio Capello) just how fantastic he is by knocking five goals into Wigan’s net on Sunday, making himself the fourth Spurs player in their history to do so. It could’ve been more if it weren’t for some persistent goalkeeping by Chris Kirkland.

With all that said, it doesn’t excuse him for acting like a muppet at Portsmouth. He was tangled up in a challenge by Mokoena and then cheekily (but lightly) stamped on Mokoena’s shin, getting him red carded and therefore suspended just weeks before an important match with Arsenal, which was effectively finished by half time.

Not saying Mokoena didn’t overplay it, which he blatently did, but if you know there’s a match against Arsenal coming up and you’re playing in a match weeks before it,
you should restrain yourself.

If I could wrap this up in a simplified way, it’d be in the words of a Fianna Fail Campaign Speech *shifts eyes at Willie Gannon* - “A lot done, more to do…”

Tottenham Hotspur 9-1 Wigan Athletic: A Real Case Of "Latic Acid"

David Jacobs — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:50:00 -0500

It has been a terrific day for Tottenham fans around the world and beyond, as the Spurs cemented, screwed, and reinforced (with metal girders) their place in the top four by dishing out a 9-1 shelling to Roberto Martinez's poor Wigan.

The Latics have much improved since the introduction of the former Swansea City manager, who had a six-year spell at Wigan as a notable player. Whilst Valencia and Palacios found bigger teams to go to, Egyptian hitman Amr Zaki (formerly loaned to Wigan) and Columbian forward Hugo Rodallega managed to compensate for some of the class lost from the squad.

Martinez has orchestrated a couple of notable victories in Wigan's league campaign already. Two examples are the away win against Aston Villa on the first week of the season and a memorable 3-1 win over Chelsea at the DW Stadium.

However, this has not been enough, for Wigan are still hovering dangerously close to the razor-sharp fan-blades of the relegation zone. Today's defeat has merely rubbed salt in the wounds for the Latics.

The first half was, in contrast to the second half, very cliched. An average half, both sides sizing each other up and maybe a goal here or there. Spurs had considerably more possession than Wigan and made use of the space available.

Aaron Lennon returned from injury at full-throttle. Possibly after ingesting a book about the greatness of Johan Cruijff's "Total Football" playing style, the favoured England winger covered pretty much every blade of grass on the pitch, dropping back to help the defence and then piling on the pressure in his natural position.

The little winger cut into the penalty box, as he so often does, and then fed a wonderful cross past Wigan's goalkeeper Chris Kirkland onto the head of Peter Crouch nine minutes in to give Spurs a deserved lead.

A short time later, there was a scramble to score the second goal in Wigan's net.

Jermain Defoe's attempt was cleared by Emmerson Boyce with Lennon in the right place to have a go himself. The shot was collected by Kirkland.

Wilson Palacios was looking to demonstrate what Wigan were missing from the midfield by trying a shot from 35 yards in the 20th minute. He was on target, but in cinematographic style, Kirkland (who was going to be enduring a blitzkrieg of shots here-on-in) made a wonderful save which was caught and not parried.

Spurs still looked weakened in defence though. Gomes threw the ball into nowhere (e.g., a Wigan player) so the attack on Spurs continued. Striker Jason Scotland managed to get a clear shot on goal from the error, but it was pushed away by Gomes, who it must be said, has been in remarkable form this season.

With a penalty save against Sunderland glued firmly into the back of his mind, he probably feels like there's nothing he can't do.

Defoe made another darting run in the 34th minute and was pretty much one-on-one with a helpless Chris Kirkland. A fireball of a shot hit the crossbar, but the Wigan keeper may have got a slight touch on the ball to ease it off target.

Toward the halfway mark, N'zogbia curled a free kick which was caught by Gomes. Defoe had one more shot which was kept away by Kirkland. Yes, Wigan's defence sound like they really weren't there. But things were about to get a lot worse.

Just six minutes into the second half of what we thought would be an average game, Jermain Defoe reminded us all why he deserves to start for the England Squad next year.

Lennon, who has sharpened his crossing skills, fed a pin-point pass into the path of Defoe, who beat his marker and lashed the ball into the roof of the net.

Only three more minutes had passed when Defoe scored an unassisted goal in the right side of the net. Then, four minutes after that , Defoe made a hat-trick out of another Lennon assist. Defoe volleyed a low cross again into the right hand side of the net.

Just before Defoe’s third goal, though, Paul Scharner scored a goal which gave Wigan some hope but gave Spurs a kick in the teeth. It was found that Scharner had replicated the new and improved "Henry Goal." He controlled the ball with part of his arm. The goal stood, much to the astonishment of everybody except Scharner, who was met with nothing but boos from Spurs fans for the remainder of the game.

Still, it became insignificant as time went on (even if the boos continued). The barrage of Spurs attacks continued, leaving Wigan (particularly Kirkland) with no room to breathe. On 64 minutes, Lennon’s consistent efforts were repaid handsomely with the fifth Spurs goal. The enjoyment factor for me was that it was 5-1 with about half an hour still to go.

The away section had cleared by this point, and for good reason.

Spurs still didn’t have to wait long for another goal, unless you call five minutes a long time. Assisted by Vedran Corluka this time, Defoe caught onto it and fired in goal No. 6. Spurs had to wait a whopping 20 minutes for the next goal. Defoe pushed his goal tally to five in the match with another solo goal resulting from a defensive error by Erik Edman.

Just to add to the misery, the goal itself has been considered as an own goal by him. Very strange considering that Bentley’s 45-yard goal against Arsenal in October 2008 bounced in off of Almunia’s hand.

You would think that it was over by now, the goals. Sorry Wigan fans, one more during injury time. Krancjar joined the goal party by knocking in the final goal of a highly entertaining match (well, for the Spurs fan base, anyway).

The goal gap between Spurs and archrivals Arsenal has now been reduced to seven. Also, Spurs won’t have anything to fear facing Aston Villa next Saturday because even if Spurs take a loss, goal difference will keep Villa just below Spurs, unless Villa manage to win 10-1 on their turf, which is unlikely.

Happy days...

Parodies: Hey There, Benitez

David Jacobs — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:45:38 -0400

This parody is a little serenade for Rafa Benitez during his time of struggle with the club's financial difficulties and its league points deficit which, at the moment, is truly putting the '-poo' into Liverpool. So Benitez, if you're reading this article right now (Divine Power-Willing), I'm only helping you out here.

Tune - 'Hey There, Delilah' by the Plain White Ts - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJOjJDPgtk8

Hey there, Benitez,
What's it like when 'Pool look sh*tty
Without Stevie G and Torres
Being there to make it pretty like they do?
Noone's in deeper sh*t than you.
I swear, it's true.

Hey there, Benitez,
Top-four spots are at a distance.
I'm right here to bring you down to Earth
This song's 'bout realism, close your eyes.
Think of two more months 'till your demise.
You're a bit 'offside'.

Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Need Aquilaniii.

Hey there, Benitez,
I know times are getting hard,
But please believe in more than three key talents,
El Nino and Gerrard and Benayoun.
And you will taste success quite soon.
If not, you're doomed.

Hey there, Benitez,
I've got so much I could say
About your war of words with referees
And Fergie every day, but it's your call.
No one expected that beachball.
We've seen it all.

Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.

A title may seem pretty far
When Man U have Scholes and Evra
You'd buy them both on transfer deadline day.
You might tell us the club went bust.
Then we'll all have a laugh because
You always entertain us in some way.

Benitez, I can promise you
That in this season, it won't be you
Who wins the league. It's no longer the same.
But who's to blame?

Hey there, Benitez,
Make amends to halt your misery.
Two more weeks and Gerrard's back again
To help the team make history like they do.
They'll think it's all because of you.
You can win whatever you want to.
Hey there, Benitez, here's to you.
For seeing it through.

Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Oooooh you need Aquilaniii.
Need Aquilaniii Oooooh.
Oooooh oooooooooh.
Oooooh oooooooooh.
Oooooooooh ooooh.
Ooooh.

Naming Rights: They're Just Wrong

David Jacobs — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 19:15:24 -0400

"Hmmmmm...what to name a stadium and all stands in it.
After legendary players of the team? Nah that wouldn't get any money would it?
After all, it is only intangible passion and respect.

No, no, I need an irrelevant sponsor's name to really give that company some exposure. So much in fact that it completely overshadows the popularity of the football club itself. Ah, there we go, The ENIC Stadium!"

The above quote was my idea of Daniel Levy's thought process when thinking of some silly name for a new stadium, even though the entire site will be located closer to White Hart Lane than the previous one!

I keep saying football has rotted to the core with money, sponsorship, and protectionism of TV rights in order to maintain the other two things I mentioned six seconds ago.

What has happened to the love of the game instead of desire for money from the game?

I'm talking about sponsors and a wild demand for copyright protection of live images of Fernando Torres' face.

So here I am with another rant. It’s in two parts. Part one is about the childish money-grabbing techniques of IMG media who hold "rights" to the Premier League amongst other sporting events.

Part two is about the golden carrots that sponsors dangle in front of football clubs.

PART ONE

You see, instead of IMG Media (which is American—notice the pattern yet?) letting Sky and ESPN (UK) split the games right down the middle and offering their share on a red-button feature (which Sky came up with in the first place and also offer every Champions' League fixture on), they let countries where the English Premier League games aren't played have 80 percent of the remaining games, without offering them to the country where they're played!!!

Why can't they just offer the games here AND sell rights to those countries? They are too silly to realise that there are more Tottenham, West Ham, Aston Villa, Sunderland, and Everton fans in the UK than there are in Romania!

Where’s the financial disadvantage in showing all games in their country of origin whilst selling them to other countries at the same time? It’s not fair on the more local fan bases who can’t always get access to tickets because of the corporate sections within the stadiums being reserved.

IMG media have made it harder on themselves by supporting these silly laws to protect live video which, when live, is INTANGIBLE! Live footage isn’t tangible unless it’s recorded. Lyrics and music by artists are tangible. That’s the difference.

Put England first for English football.

Don’t worry, they’ll still have their £billions at the end of the week.

Maybe more if they broadcast all matches, but they don’t, and yet this company wonders why very few people are subscribing to Sky Sports/ESPN. You can put all the sports you like on them, but football is the most watched game in the world.

Therefore, a red-button feature for league matches would have the executives of IMG, Sky Sports, and ESPN up to their eyeballs in money, while all football fans would be up to their eyeballs in their PREFERRED team, rather than the top four, which a lot of fans don’t want to watch every single weekend.

If a red button feature for the Champions League is available midweek and people are happy with that, why not the Premier League!!??

They have the same viewing audience considering Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea, and Barcelona are in it every year.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...hypocrisy!!!

Am I campaigning to deny Korea the right to gaze at their only player in an EPL team, Romania the right to see Nemanja Vidic (who, despite hailing from Eastern-Europe, is actually Serbian), France the right to watch their second national team (Arsenal) or Malcom Glazer his daily dose of exposure from across the pond? No!

Am I campaigning to give true football fans access to their favourite football team if they can’t pay excruciating prices for tickets (I’m trying not to jump on the "there’s-a-recession" bandwagon)? YES!

Just a little footnote—England’s next international fixture (vs Ukraine) has not been scheduled on terrestrial/Freeview TV in ENGLAND!

Paying Sky Sports to watch your own country play football, if you’re part of a population of about 59,915,000 people who couldn’t get access to tickets, is absolutely despicable and only gives me more ammunition to use in this article.

PART TWO

Tottenham Hotspur have acquired planning permission from Haringey Council to build a brand-new, 60,000 seat stadium, along with modern public space in the surroundings. It will feature a brand new public amenity complex consisting of shops, seating areas and lovely flower patches.

Sounds brilliant doesn’t it? Well it is, but I don’t know about the future of the golden cockerel, and there’s another something niggling at the Spurs faithful. It’s the naming rights to the stadium.

I’d be all for a consortium to club together and donate an amount which collectively could total a good enough sum of money to buy the naming rights. Unfortunately, it’s like shooting the moon with a football and Didier Zokora taking the shot.

As a result, Mr. Levy has submitted to a proposal to use a sponsor for the new stadium’s name.

Worst of all, we haven’t even been told what it is yet. I think he’s clever enough to know what reaction he would get if we knew. However, it’s annoying because it’ll probably be a name which doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely.

(Look for the video "Don’t Change The Name.")

There are many clubs which have previously done the same thing;

Arsenal (Emirates Stadium), Norwich City (Aviva Stadium), Wigan Athletic (formerly the JJB Stadium, now the DW Stadium), Hull City (KC Stadium), Bayern Munich/Munchen (Allianz Arena), VFB Stuttgart (Mercedes-Benz Arena), Stoke City (Britannia Stadium),
and Leicester City (Walkers Stadium).

Don’t even get me started on American sports like baseball. Their names are absolutely ridiculous.

One example is the AT&T park, home of the San Francisco Giants. It was a bigger-fish-eats-smaller-fish situation. Originally, it was the Pac[kard]Bell Park. PacBell was taken over by SBC and then AT&T bought SBC, eventually having the park named the AT&T Park.

For more gems like this one, visit here.

Why does England follow suit just because its best (only) friend USA sells itself out like this?

It gets even sillier, believe me. It doesn’t just stop at stadiums; some of the stands are even named after sponsors, rather than maintaining some heritage (and dignity) by dedicating them to legendary players (more deserving of recognition).

For example, the Walkers Stand in the Walkers Stadium (oh, the irony). I can only imagine what other teams’ stadium stands would be called.

Here you go Premiership; let me give you a few ideas to help you feel a little bit more pathetic and stupid. (Please note that there may be names of companies or brands which you may not have heard of, but they are all real):

Tottenham (with compromise) could have the ENICholson Stadium with stands like:
Gordon’s Dry Ginola Stand
British Gascoigne Stand
Playboy Mansion Stand (Wouldn’t mind that one actually)
Campbell’s Soup Stand

Arsenal:
CarlsBergkamp Stand
Emmanuel Petit Filous Stand
Coca-Kolo Toure Stand
Panasonic Vieira Stand

Manchester United:
GiggsandTours.com Stand
David Beck’s Lager Stand
Evralast Stand (Everlast is the actual name of the brand if you were wondering)
Renault Kangoo Van Der Sar Stand

Liverpool:
Chez Gerrard Stand
Yossi’s Bagels Stand
Skrtel Wax Stand (Yes I know it’s really Turtle Wax)
GigsandTorres.com Stand

Manchester City Stand:
Packard Bellamy Stand
Baskin-Robinhos Stand
Quiksylvinho Stand
Michael Johnson & Johnson Stand

By now you should get the gist of what I’m getting across here, which is the ridiculous lengths sponsors will go to with their affiliated club just to make minuscule improvements in sales and exposure. If anyone can give me one real example of a club sponsor that has had a significant improvement in sales from this kind of advertising, I’ll retract the first statement I made in this paragraph.

I leave you now with a philosophical statement from me. Try and apply it to football not being made available to the people who truly want it the most (it's easy).

If we’re born and taught to share something during childhood, why is it that when money and corporate supremacy is brought into our life’s equation, we revert back to snatching it away again?

Football is meant to be for everyone to enjoy, not to pay extreme prices for TV coverage of, not to miss the game at all, and not to make a few quick bucks. I suggest that corporations find some more unique ways to sell rather than drown the
non-profitable kind of interest in the game.

Not such a beautiful game anymore is it...

HOWARDisgusting Volume II: Eduardo Gets Officially Pardoned

David Jacobs — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 15:20:59 -0400

Yes my fellow Bleacher Creatures, it's official. I pardon Eduardo because there are more corrupt/dodgier people than him. Like the FA's officials.

I knew the FA don't want the premiership to lose its worldwide fame due to a
top team NOT winning the title for once.

Two highly controversial games happened today.
A Manchester Derby and Chelsea v Spurs ended in total controversy.

At Old Trafford, what should've been four minutes added time sneakily turned into "until Manchester United score the winner." Six minutes.

Owen scored the winner in what was eventually a 4-3 victory.

I recently heard Sky Sports News read out an e-mail from someone asking why City and other football fans complain when a top team like United score the winner in the last minute.

He went on to say in the e-mail that injury was 'at least' four minutes. My answer to that is this;

Had injury time lasted the official four minutes, plus 30 seconds to allow a final attack from either team), it would've been tied at 3-3. But no.

Manchester City deserved a draw today, maybe even a win.
94 minutes should be 94 minutes, allowing a maximum of 30-60 seconds for a final attack.

It turns out that referees and 'fourth officials' (a.k.a. 'I'm even less qualified to officiate than the ref and the linesmen') either cannot count four and a half minutes or still like to crumble with a case of "Top Fouritis."

Onto the Chelsea v. Spurs game now. Howard Webb, you are officially one of the most biased referees to ever grace (actually, flop onto) the game.

Spurs were playing very well during the first half, despite a few very silly line-up decisions by Redknapp which had Keane on the left looking uncomfortable and a 4-3-3 to try and combat Ancelotti's flawless "diamond" formation.

Howard Webb officiated the game today.
Possible fan reaction:

Chelsea - :)
Spurs - :/

Turns out both were correct.

Keane did make a bit more noise than necessary about a penalty. I wouldn't have given that one myself. However, Webb denied Lennon and Defoe
free kicks, refused to give a penalty to Crouch when he was blatantly barged by Ashley Cole with no intent from Cole to head the ball and halted the game when Drogba ran down the clock as usual with a new improvised drama sketch, featuring such dialogue as:

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! I just did a terrible shot. My leg hurts like hell!! AAAHH make it stop, make it stop!! Oh no.....NOOOOOO.....I can't feel my leg.....that's my diving leg too :( aaaaahhhh!!!"

I can only think of one positive from today's Spurs match and the
Manchester Derby:

Today has proved and exposed one giant conspiracy to keep the top teams
at the top so that the Premiership still maintains its worldwide recognition.

That will make other non-English countries continue paying for the rights to broadcast the games.

Money really has rotted football to the core. Somebody once told me that matches had temporarily been completely off-air in China to prevent Asian syndicates fixing the games. What has football evolved into? I implore you.

Conspiracy theory anyone?

NEW FACEBOOK STATUS:
THE FA AND THE TOP FOUR ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Comments:

Carlo Ancelotti - awwwww bellissimo. You looka so good togethaaaa.
Howard Webb - Yeh I'm Fergie's biatch lolz x

================

Drogba was running down the clock as usual.

Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Birmingham: Spurs Get a Kick Up the Brum

David Jacobs — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 19:45:41 -0400

I went to White Hart Lane to watch today's match for my upcoming birthday.

However, I wasn't really brimming with the same confidence I had when Spurs faced Liverpool at the first game of the season. I had reason to be like that.

I seem to find that Spurs give the 'major' sides more of a game (remember last season, unbeaten by the top four until the second meeting with Manchester United?) and then rest on their laurels when facing 'lesser'/newly-promoted teams.

This week's match just happened to be one of those matches with a potential shock result, which would dash Tottenham Hotspur's hopes of winning the League...

VERY luckily, Aaron Lennon once again saved the day with a goal out of nothing at the very last second. I'll lead up to it:

First Half:
-----------

It was all Spurs for 45 minutes. A full first half of the type of football which made Spurs famous; sexy, fluid passing and movement, yes I am grooming Modric's ego in this, but he is usually my first port of call for marvelous passing and vision.

Joe Hart had a firing squad of players directing shots at his goal, but his luck came in the form of Spurs' terrible finishing and some brilliant saves.

Keane, once again looked like a fish out of water when he received each pass. Defoe was a little too greedy at times as well.

Aaron Lennon opened proceedings with a 20 yard shot on 7 minutes. It was parried by Joe Hart.

Tom Huddlestone attempted a strike, but was easily saved by the Birmingham City goalkeeper. You could say he knew what to do "off by Hart."

Birmingham's Sebastian Larsson made sure Spurs knew City were still there by shooting at Carlo Cudicini, who parried the shot confidently.

Jermain Defoe then went on the run during a Spurs counter attack. He had Keane to his left for support, but greedily went it alone and made a poor shot as well.

If there was ever a better chance during that match to score, I'd like to hear it.

Modric got up to try a header shortly after, but the ball bounced across the wrong side of the post.

Palacios, at 27 minutes, tried to make his mark on the scoresheet with
one of his bespoke cannonball shots, but it was obstructed by a very brave
Lee Carsley.

He got hit harder than a Canary against the 08:47 German I.C.E. Train into Munich.

An effort from Luka Modric went just round the post, simply making the wait for a goal more agonising.

Chance after chance after chance went by. I tell you, I have never been so frustrated and nervous in my life.

Birmingham City's chances, despite the limited number that they had in the first half looked better attempted. Most of them forced Cudicini to wake up from his earlier slumber as Spurs fired from all angles before.

Second Half:
-------------

To make matters more annoying, Luka Modric was tackled hard in the first 10 seconds of the second half, forcing him to come off and allowing Peter Crouch to come on as a substitute.

Whilst the attacking force was being replenished, the defensive presence of Spurs looked to be depleting.

King had to come off to make way for Hutton and ease his knees. However, problems were caused when Christian Benitez (subbed on for Carsley) outfoxed the entire back four and shot low on the left side, clipping the outside corner of the net.

Crouch was on the other end doing what he does best, getting up above defenders and heading the balls on target. He had to keep knocking on the door though (twice), as one was parried away from the left side of the goal, hand on Hart (Okay, I'll stop the puns now).

Another Crouch header bounced off the crossbar, immediately causing 36,000 pairs of hands to spring up and onto 36,000 heads in disbelief.

The third time was clicheically lucky. A free kick for a minor foul on Lennon was taken.
Spurs aren't good when it comes to defending against set-pieces, but they can definitely dish them out.

The ball was launched high into the box and across goal on 71 minutes. Crouch (ironically named) jumped up and headed into the net. It was definitely worth the wait.

Birmingham replied within 3-4 minutes. Lee Bowyer tapped the equaliser in after
a misunderstanding between Alan Hutton and Carlo Cudicini (then again, when you have a Scotsman and an Italian trying to speak to each other, it can be
a bit of a mess).

After 80 minutes, Roman Pavlyuchenko was brought on to replace a worn-out and injured Jermain Defoe.

Birmingham forward Garry O'Connor had the chance to steal a win from under Spurs' noses from inside the box, but his effort veered just off to the left of goal.

Spurs continued to press, but each attack was either blocked by the Brummies'
dogged defence, fruitless due to Spurs' terrible finishing or slowed down due to excessive passing amongst the back-four.

The four added minutes of injury time had passed and Spurs were now on bonus time.

With one more roll of the dice, Aaron Lennon had wormed his way up into the box like a left-footed Lionel Messi, passed two defenders on the way into the box, switched to his preferred right-foot and drove a great shot low into the net.

Hart got a full hand to the ball but the velocity kept the ball almost straight as it went into the net at the last second, sending the stands into a frenzy of applause and YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYO!!!

I had never been so stressed and frustrated at the lack of finishes in all my life.
I had also never been so happy when a winning goal was scored.

Maybe it was because of the match being a birthday day out for me :)

(Sept. 2, but there aren't any matches that week apart from a friendly England match)

Aaron Lennon: Always around when you need a last minute goal.

A Football Pundit's Facebook Homepage

David Jacobs — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 20:14:34 -0400

This can probably go on forever, but I'll get second opinions about whether I should carry this on as weekly satirical fodder for football fans around the globe.

Taking another idea from someone else on facebook, I wrote some of my own stories, which could easily be real and end up on a footballer's
Facebook homepage:

Joleon Lescott has thrown a wobbly at David Moyes.

- Mark Hughes likes this.

===========

Alex Ferguson threw a football boot at David Beckham
(more than eight years ago)

Comments:

Wayne Rooney - lmao
Rio Ferdinand - lolz
Cristiano Ronaldo - lolz xxx

===========

Alex Ferguson has poked Arjen Robben

Florentino Perez dislikes this

===========

Jamie Carragher - has a headache lol

Comments:

Skrtel - Me too lolz xx
Steven Gerrard - You really are a pair of muppets like! xD

Rafa Benitez sent Jamie some aspirin using FREE GIFTS on Facebook.

===========

Aaron Lennon has joined the group
"I can beat Usain Bolt any day of the week!"

Harry Redknapp likes this.

===========

Carlo Ancelotti uploaded the album "Gay and Tranny Pride Brazil 2008"

Ronaldo has been tagged.

===========

David Bentley - Has a bit more free time now (About a week ago).

Luka Modric and 10 other teammates like this.

===========

Peter Storrie is now friends with Sulaiman Al-Fahim (10 minutes ago)

Alexandre Gaydamak and Abu Dhabi like this.

===========

Pascal Chimbonda wrote on Sky Sports', Setanta Sports', and BBC Sport's Wall:

"OMG. FFS. It's not Shimbomba. It's not Chimbanzee.
It's Chimbondaaaa!!! :@"

===========

Carlo Ancelotti added the song "Can't Touch This" to iLike.

David Bentley - A Little Bit of a Concern. So says Lily Allen...

David Jacobs — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:09:34 -0400

For those of you who care, I, Weird Dave, am back again, for hopefully another great season of parodies. I don't know if I can go on like this forever, though.

I resume my repertoire with a parody about David Bentley and how essential it is for him to get sold so he can play football again and Spurs can get on with things too. This parody specifically involves a majority of Spurs fans giving Bentley a few home truths.

By the way, it sounds better if you sing.

Tune - 'Alfie' by Lily Allen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjhyR-FzS0k

Oooooooh deary me.
Our David Bentley's playing as if he's on weed.
We tell him to play football 'cause it's nearly five to three.
He never makes an impact at THFC.

We ask him very nicely if he'd like to go and flee.
We all know the answer 'cause his future's so hazyyy.
Don't understand how one can dip in form quickly.
Our little David Bentley, how we wish that you could see.

We only say it 'cause we care.
And please can you stop touching your hair.
Now now there's no need to swear.
Please don't storm off, our midfielder.

Ooooh Bentley get up. It's a brand new game.
We just don't want you to waste your Spurs career away.
You need to make more impact on the games that you may play.
Get in the matches more and also use your brain.

Surely there's some grass out there where you can go and train.
Blackburn is guilty there for leading you astray.
But how the hell do you ever expect to get some praise
When all you do is walk around the pitch at every game?

We only say it 'cause we care.
And please can you stop touching your hair.
Now now there's no need to swear.
Please don't storm off, our midfielder.

(Interlude)

Oooh little Bentley who d'you think you're swearing at?
'Cause just like Bent, you're acting like a prima donna twat.
It's time that you and Martin O'Neill had a little chat
And went to Villa where your form will magically come back.

We only say it 'cause we care.
And please can you stop touching your hair.
Now now there's no need to swear.
Please don't storm off,
Please don't storm off,
Midfielder.

Football Personalities' Answer Machines

David Jacobs — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 10:21:32 -0400

Hi Bleacher Creatures. Today's article's inspiration comes courtesy of Robert Orzechowski. He came up with Tennis players' answerphone messages and so I decided to make some football personalities' answerphone messages. Here they are:

Guus Hiddink: Hallo my friend. You have reached Guush's ansherphone meshage devyshe. I'm unable to take callsh from people ash I am not near the phone right now.
Shorry. I am currently sssshhhhmokin' ssssshhhumthing exsssshhhotic.
But if you still want to shpeak to a dutch football manager, shpeak to
Martin Jol and he'll be able to entertain you with a dutch acshent inshtead.

*BEEP*

Joe Kinnear- *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

*BEEP*

Ashley Cole: Hey Cheryl, you've reached Ashley "Can't-Keep-His-C*ck-To-Himself" Cole. You never learn do you. Why leave me in a house on my own for hours??
Can't get to the phone right now. Yep, I'm screwing another one of your many former PAs. That way both myself and her get a bit of income, if you know what I mean.
If you are not Cheryl, just send a nudey photo of yourself with details to my
home address and I'll come back to you.

*BEEP*

Alex Ferguson: (Scottish accent) Helloh. Sawreh ah caan't get to the phawn rate no. Please leave yer deetells uf you want to stupidly sail your best players to my club for pennies. Tawtenham, Fraizer Campbell us nawt stayun at Spurs and that's fanal.
He us a great player, which is way he's nawt stayun at Spurs.
Wrigley's, ah need another truck of chewing gum deluvered to ma hoose.

*BEEP*

Cristiano Ronaldo: Hola beautiful ladies. You have reached El Packago de Ego.
I cannot get to phone as I am either changing clothes, crashing car, getting tan in
Madrid sunshine, dating girl, sleeping with girl, gelling hair, washing hair or
straightening hair...or...straightening in-match conduct.

*BEEP*

Zinedine Zidane - (Noises of headbutting the phone).

*BEEP*

Tottenham Hotspur: Ruumoured Van Nistelrooy and All Other Pillow Talk

David Jacobs — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 20:59:26 -0400

I just trawled through the Daily Telegraph's (I felt curious today. Get over it)
transfer talk page about the Spurs squad. However, three stories were taken from other sources. The rest of them are from the Telegraph's own intensely bored journalists.

It's almost a week old, but you know transfer talk. It can be a whole season old but still be regurgitated, such as the prising of Kenwyne Jones from Sunderland.

One of the most positively surprising stories I heard was about Tottenham Hotspur competing with Fulham to land Real Madrid's Ruud Van Nistelrooy for a
rock-bottom price of £1.25million.

This story is slightly more believable than the usual newspaper dribble, which only has one use, and that's to dribble on some more.

Real Madrid have decided to scoop out a large number of their players and replace with newly-signed Kaka. £62million worth of Brazilian ego does take up a lot of room.

Real's president, Florentino Perez, also exposed his desire for Cristiano Ronaldo and David Villa to be transferred.

It is seemingly plausible. Ronaldo's career at Manchester United has been placed into doubt before and David Villa is already deciding this week between Chelsea and
Real Madrid. Both clubs have ambition, but Chelsea's frequent managerial switches have unsettled the team over the last two years.

Guus Hiddink has returned to his post at Russia's National team basecamp as headcoach, while Ancelotti arrives from AC Milan to most likely
change Chelsea's team tactics once again.

Now back to Spurs with the Telegraph's Tottenham Transfer News with 'ME' as your brutally honest correspondent.
I'd love to know which ones you think are the REEEAALLY stupid rumours.

1) Didier Zokora was recently approached by Sevilla FC and Spurs have been offered £8milion for the Ivorian (The Mirror)

Response:

PLAUSIBLE - Zokora's appearances have lessened towards the end of the season in favour of Bale and Bentley in one final attempt at getting something out of them.
However, his family are currently based in London with him and Harry has yet to make a big enough complaint about his performance.

I like Zokora. He never stops running. Can keep the ball to break up opposition play and never complains about anything. His physical commitment enjoyment while playing for the club is what I like and expect from all football players.

2) Harry Redknapp has indicated willingness to do a double swap with Aston Villa.
Out: David Bentley and Tom Huddlestone.
In: John Carew and Ashley Young + Cash
(The Metro)

Response:

PLAUSIBLE - David Bentley is complete deadwood to Spurs now and the likes of Villa and Everton have been interested in signing him before. Huddlestone has slightly dipped in form, although I don't find it too concerning right now.

'Arry wants "players in their prime" and what better examples than John Carew
(ex-Lyon forward) and Ashley Young, arguably one of the best English players in the League (please try and forget John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Wayne Rooney, Ledley King and Aaron Lennon just for a little while, if you can).

3) Blackburn Rovers' goalie, Paul Robinson could return to Spurs after just one season.

Response:

TOTAL B*LL***S! - Despite having an average mid-table finish,
Blackburn have Robbo down as their first-choice keeper.

On the Spurs point of view, Gomes has already achieved legendary status at Spurs with not only great performances towards the end of this season but also breaking an 89 year old record for the least goals conceded at home in an entire season.

With that, his position in goal and in fans' good books has only been further fortified.

Carlo Cudicini, a former Chelsea goalkeeper, is further back-up for Gomes.

As a result of all considered points, Robinson won't leave Blackburn in a hurry and can't just waltz back into first-team football at Spurs.

4) Tom Huddlestone is being scrutinised by Bolton Wanderers for a £10million deal.

Response:

UNLIKELY - Teams need back-up when injuries plague the players.

Just ask everyone's favourite complacent frenchman—Arsene Wenger.

He could sit and twitter on for hours (includes frequent 'err...ing') about how much he's missing Tomas Rosicky, how good he was at sewing Eduardo back together and how he never wants to play Birmingham City again unless they all have a yellow card before the match starts.

Tom Huddlestone is quite capable of dealing with frequent first-team football and can pull off some great passes and strikes. He is a useful cog in the team machine, although there is constant competition for midfield places with players like Modric, Palacios, Jenas and Bentley in the mix.

5) Portsmouth's Glen Johnson is a Spurs target, but Chelsea are also keen on the England full-back.

Response:

50 percent SUBSTANTIAL - Yes, Spurs have had their eye on Johnson for a while, but it doesn't mean he's going to go to Spurs.

Johnson played for four years at Chelsea and even then was pushed out by the presence of Paulo Ferreira.

And with the rest of the Portuguese national backline doing a perfect job for Chelsea's defence (Belletti, Bosingwa etc.), there's little room for Johnson at the moment.

6) Lazio striker, Goran Pandev is said to be preparing to join Tottenham.

Response:

B*LL***S! - Pandev has decided to stay at Lazio until 2010, as specified on his contract (that little piece of paper used for players and managers to practice their signatures on in case of court issues).

7) Harry Redknapp has revived his interest in Sunderland's Kenwyne Jones, despite Sunderland's survival in the League.

Response:

B*LL***S! - During January's transfer window (08/09 season), Jones signed an extensive four-and-a-half year contract with the Black Cats, silencing further speculation.

Spurs have enough strikers anyway. Modric could always cover for one too.
Although ideally, it'd make Robbie Keane work a bit harder for his place on the squad.
Other than that, Jones is going nowhere.

To be perfectly honest with you, not every transfer can be based solely on the player himself, but also where they'd fit in with the rest of the squad.

I'd love to see Van Nistelrooy power through a defence and whack the ball in, or
latch onto a searching cross from Aaron Lennon in order to head the ball in while
scraping his face across the turf due to the low height of the ball.

However, it would jeapordise the positions of Defoe, Pavlyuchenko and Bent in the pecking order.

The successful solution cannot be a 4-3-3 to let Keane and Defoe onto the wings because that's Modric's and Lennon's patch where their constant annoyance to defenders allows the rest of the team to push through the centre and the midfield is 'emptier', leading to more easily-executed opposition counter-attacks.

Oh well...I guess that current players may just have to pull their finger out a bit more.

Parodies: My Favourite FA Cup Moment

David Jacobs — Sat, 30 May 2009 06:05:27 -0400

Just ahead of the FA Cup Final today, here I am with my absolute final parody for this season (lucky for you). The roundtable article we were supposed to have hasn't materialised, mainly due to my short notice.

This parody is what would have been on the roundtable article as my contribution. It's one of the funniest FA Cup Moments because it was just so unique.

It was not a great goal, a fight with a ref, a bad foul, a nudist on the pitch or even a non-league team lifting the cup.

It was a balloon that cost Manchester City the FA Cup in 2008 against Sheffield United. A whole cluster of balloons arrived on the pitch and a stray white balloon resembling the football got kicked instead as it floated in front of the entire Man City backline, leaving Sheffield United to tap the ball in and go on to win 3-1.

Admittedly I was stuck for a parody to write regarding FA Cup moments, but inspiration arrived when I watched the following youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqz1YxhnuyM

One of the comments was a parody of a verse from the song (and it should be obvious now) - "99 Red Balloons" by Nena.

I have to give thanks to this user for the inspiration to write the whole thing.

http://www.youtube.com/andybus

I have just found out that his account is suspended, but hey,
just covering myself.

So here it is, "99 BLUE Balloons"

Barry Hatch in the little toy shop
Bought a thousand balloons with the money he's got.
Set them free in the Eastlands dawn
'Til one by one, they floated on.
When all those balloons departed,
Nothing was done. The match had started.
Dropping from the Eastlands sky,
99 blue balloons go by.

99 blue balloons
Floating on a football pitch.
Cross came in.
Poor Michael Ball
Could not see
The ball at all.
That's when this match sprung to life.
Michael Ball had closed one eye.
Mark Hughes breaks down,
Starts to cry
As 99 blue balloons go by.

99 FA Cups.
99 complete f*ck-ups.
To worry worry, super scurry.
Transfer brazilians in a hurry.
This is what they were waiting for.
Ban balloons now. This is war.
Manager's job is on the line
As 99 blue balloons go by.

99 dots in the air.
Cascading to that pitch down there.
Sheffield United thank those heroes.
Brought Man City's rep to zero.
Everyone identified
The problem, angry and eagle-eyed,
Floating in the Eastlands sky,
99 blue balloons go by.

99 blue balloons go by...

99 cups they have had.
In every one, some blue balloons.
Chances over, don't look pretty.
It's annoyed all of Man City.
The only means of souvenir
Is not the Cup, it's never here...
And here is a blue balloon.
I think of that and let it go...

Parodies: We Don't Know Who's Going Down

David Jacobs — Fri, 22 May 2009 08:10:41 -0400

Couldn't resist writing a parody about the season as a whole. I'm just glossing over a few things in this one. I have a link to the tune below which is a
backing track to "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_MjY8uz9sY

I shall be back soon with a parody about a funny FA Cup moment during the
run-up to the final. In the words of Rolf Harris:

"Can you tell what it is yet?"

No giveaways until I've written it :P Sorry.

In the meantime, here's the end of the season in a nutshell:

This is more than we bargained for yet.
We'd be lying if we could just guess who is gonna win.
Just who will get three points this week?
Tight as your as$, this season's top league table.
It's now a cup for United but FA knew that all along.
(Cup for United but FA knew that all along).

Dropping down, making names.
There's been strange scores
And betting on the wrong teams.

(Chorus)
This season's turned round
On its head upside down.
We don't know who's going down fighting.
There's been Fellaini's hair, let's all pull it.
A hairdo so complex, frizzy Ruud Gullit.
(x 2)

This is more than we bargained for yet.
Oh don't mind me.
I'm watching two teams from the top four
Wishing to be the biggest group of cheats.
Isn't it messed up
How I'm just trying to stir it.
It's now a cup for United but FA knew that all along.
(Cup for United but FA knew that all along).

Dropping down, making names.
There's been strange scores
And betting on the wrong teams.

(Chorus)
This season's turned round
On its head upside down.
We don't know who's going down fighting.
There's been Fellaini's hair, let's all pull it.
A hairdo so complex, frizzy Ruud Gullit.
(x 2)

Turned round
On its head upside down.
We don't know who's going down fighting.
There's been Fellaini's hair, let's all pull it.
A hairdo so complex, frizzy Ruud Gullit.

This season's turned round
On its head upside down.
We don't know who's going down fighting.
There's been Fellaini's hair, let's all pull it.
A hairdo so complex, frizzy Ruud Gullit.

This season's turned round.
(Turned round)
(Turned round)
(Turned round)
This season's turned round.
(Turned round)
A hairdo so complex, frizzy Ruud Gullit.

This season's turned round
On its head upside down.
We don't know who's going down fighting.
There's been Fellaini's hair, let's all pull it.
A hairdo so complex, frizzy Ruud Gullit.

EPL Final Weekend: Don't You Just Love This Scrap?

David Jacobs — Thu, 21 May 2009 10:03:58 -0400

If there was an award right now called "stating the bloody obvious", I'd win it with this piece, but I felt like writing about it anyway. Stay and read.

Don't go hurting my feelings now...

(Don't go breakin' ma heart...
La la la la laaa...)

=================

Here I am breaking down both the proxy battles and the mini-leagues which have developed during this season. The FA are yet to confirm them as legitimate leagues for the future though.

Let's do it how I'd do a beautiful woman—Start at the top and work our way down to the good stuff!

Top Four

This mini-league got a bit smaller as time went on. It went from the usual four teams of Manchester United (eventual champions for the second time in a row), Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal to three and then...

Two in the bed and the Scottish one said, 'Roll over'.

After all the mind games, word wars and computer software wizardry (I shall get to that in a moment), Manchester United came up trumps once again to claim the title for two seasons running. Liverpool and Manchester United both relied on each other's opponents to win against...well...each other.

Tottenham Hotspur had Ferguson running scared at Old Trafford for 45 whole minutes.
A feat probably only ever surpassed by his wife.

However, they regained their spark in the second half and won 5-2 with a little help from his friends (time for a beatles song!), but I won't go into the 5-2 victory now.
I did it for a week already. You had to be there.

Liverpool were battered by a struggling Middlesbrough team at the Riverside as well.
But it wasn't enough to keep Middlesbrough out of the relegation battle.

Chelsea had a good season under Guus ('Guussshh' in Dutch) Hiddink.
They have an FA Cup Final to look forward to this month.

In the words of Guussshh Hiddink himshelf...

"I'm vury exshited about the FA Cup Final at Wembley Shtadium.
There'll be shum good football, good playersh and Drogba will be the team'sh shpearhead. He'sh good boy, He'sh good boy..."

Arsenal...I could go on for ages about their season. Cup-tied Arshavin,
the lop-sidedness of the squad while the best players are injured, the surprise on my face when I heard that Wenger is still wanted at Emirates by the Board of Directors but only allowed to spend £13million this summer.

I could say haaa haaaaaa for winning nothing after making fun of Spurs ending up with nothing this season, but I'm much nicer than that...

So I gave those 57,000 Arsenal flags a loving home out of the goodness of my heart.
Severely mistreated and were only taken outside for 12 minutes before they were beaten and abused by their owners through no fault of their own.
Please pledge just 50p a week to sponsor one today!

Ok I'll stop now.

Europa League/UEFA Cup Battle ('The Battle Of Seventhplace')

Whatever happens to the four teams who may/may not get a place in the
Europa League next season, Everton are safely in that tournament next season whether or not they beat Fulham.

The lowest they can drop to is 6th place should Aston Villa defeat Newcastle on Sunday.

If Aston Villa beat Newcastle while Everton lose to Fulham, they will go to fifth place with 62 points.

Fulham will be at home to Everton this weekend. They cannot go higher than seventh place if they beat or draw with Everton but will still be given a place in the Europa League and keep Tottenham Hostpur out of it...just about.

If Tottenham Hotspur can stand their ground when they travel to face the League Runners-up Liverpool and win while Fulham lose, they will take seventh place and go above Fulham with only one point to spare.

Goal difference will not give Tottenham seventh place even if Fulham draw and Spurs win.

Also, on a personal note, knowing Fulham's tenacious campaign and tremendous heart shown this season, it would seem unlikely and almost cruel if they were to lose and Spurs were to win away at Liverpool all in one afternoon.

Although, it would make one hell of a headline if Spurs were to knick a
Europa League place this weekend. It would be one of the greatest revivals in its history.

Slumping to 20th place behind West Brom and then slowly but surely rising up the table until they got to eighth place? I'd like to see another team do that!

Relegation Battle

Five teams got themselves into this mess and only two of them will be able to get themselves out of it, but West Brom aren't one of them. It's a shame for them because they still fought to the end and as a result have only lost their battle through goal difference (West Brom = -31, Newcastle = -18).

If West Brom won against Blackburn and Newcastle lost to Aston Villa, both Toontown and the Baggies will have 34 points but the goal difference would keep Newcastle up.

If Newcastle won, they would be out of the drop zone.

That is unless Sunderland beat Chelsea at the Stadium of Light taking them to 39 points so that they can't be caught by Hull City. The Tigers will have to defeat the
2nd string team that Fergie has mentioned earlier this week.

If they do, both Newcastle and Middlesbrough will go down with West Brom.

To wrap this up nicely, if Sunderland and Hull City both win their matches, the three teams currently in the bottom three places will still go down, no matter what happens.
And if they don't, you'll see a funny little game of football league leapfrog.
I call it Leaguefrog.

The End...?

Tottenham Hotspur: Who's Out the Door This Summer?

David Jacobs — Wed, 20 May 2009 12:36:53 -0400

Tottenham have had one of the most turbulent seasons out of any clubs this year.

They've experienced 20th place humiliation, losing to Manchester United twice in two months and also felt the relief of being somewhere above the relegation zone and within touching distance of a place in the Europa League (the new name for the UEFA Cup).

A roller-coaster ride if you like. A big dipper if you wanted a bit more detail.

The entire club has been on red alert trying to save their blushes and every individual within it has been equally responsible for contributing. Yes, even the players.

What I'd now like to speculate about is who's going to be out the door in the summer.

Whose wheel has kept spinning, but with the hamster still dead? Who's all foam and no beer?

It's time to vote off...The weakest link! (DUH DUH DUH DUH!!!!)

I'll give my possibilities and a reason for my decision. Just a warning before I start moaning; I might be a little bit brutal. But after all, this site is about opinion, right?

Daniel Levy (Chairman of the club)

He has been in the chair for a long time, making executive decisions such as player transfers, what will go where in the new stadium and what suit he was going to wear today. Big decisions like that.

However, he did screw up with a few transfers of players while colluding with Damien Comolli. They scooped out the flesh of the squad 'orange' leaving nothing but pith for a considerable period of time; and it reflected in Spurs' terrible start and Juande Ramos' ominous frustration and eventual sacking.

I'm talking about influential players like Malbranque and Defoe who were transferred unnecessarily, leaving Darren Bent to deal with the pressure of being a lone striker up until Pavlyuchenko's arrival.

Even though I am fully aware that Defoe is back at Spurs (check my parody archive).

There’s only a slim chance of him being sacked because of his level of business acumen which has kept Tottenham Hotspur so financially secure despite the recent economic downturn.

He has to either be a bit more careful with transfers or, even better, give Harry Redknapp and any other future managers (not implying anything) FULL control of transfers to and from the club.

Jermaine Jenas

Secret truth be told, I only started watching Spurs matches about two or three years ago and so I only know a minimal amount regarding what Jenas used to be like as a player. But what I’ve seen from him has been mere inconsistency.

When he puts his mind to it, he can be very influential in the running of the match and even score a goal. This was shown a few weeks ago against West Brom. He did play and scored the only goal. Not many people can doubt that he has commitment to the club and I can’t either.

However, he mostly tends to push the boat out for the North London Derbies.

This may be a good thing as far as the particular game is concerned, but the way this season has gone for Spurs should have been a wake up call for Jenas to play to the best of his ability constantly.Gareth Bale

He looked promising when he first started. Young, left-footed and Welsh. What more can a team ask for? He even scored a free kick against Arsenal on his debut which, coincidentally, was against Arsenal. So it possibly made him out to be a better player
than he is.

As time went on, he looked more and more like a one-trip pony.

He was injured over his time at spurs like any other player could be, but when he got to play in the starting XI, it seemed as if he didn’t make much of an impact on the game (e.g. kick the ball).

I gauge players by how much they get involved in the game and my gauge is going into minus readings with him.

DAVID BENTLEY

Now then. My piéce de resistance. I would’ve thought that with his first-team experience at Blackburn Rovers (in his ‘prime’, which Redknapp says he’s looking for when the transfer window opens this summer, but I know it wasn’t his signing), he’d be decent enough for Spurs.

However, since October’s Arsenal game, or the home game against Manchester United (depends how lenient you feel), he hasn’t influenced the game much at all.

He did get a few games to re-awaken the form he had at Blackburn, but no cigars. They had already been smoked.

I heard he was doing wonders for the reserve side recently. But is that enough for Harry Redknapp to jeapordise a more regular player’s position just to put Bentley back in the first team when there’s a Champions’ League place to fight for in the forthcoming season?

My idea is to just sell him on to Everton or Aston Villa for his own good. I’m pretty sure that no player wants to be stuck playing in a second-string team away from TV cameras and International team managers.

Then the cash will become available for buying one Materazzi from Inter Milan. I would only pay cash for that player, not swap him for Luka Modrić as transfer rumours suggest.

I now invite you to put the fruits of your wandering minds forward to me for discussion purposes.

Because if THFC aren’t going to listen to me, who else is?

Tottenham Hotspur V West Brom: Pack Your Baggies

David Jacobs — Sat, 02 May 2009 13:56:09 -0400

If you're a West Brom fan reading this, I'm sorry for the headline, but I just thought it was a clever one.

Tottenham Hotspur have been deemed the deciders of events on both ends of the league table this season.

Last week, they effectively decided which team out of Liverpool and Manchester United stayed on top and will pretty much do the same on the final week of this season as they travel to Anfield to face a wishfully-thinking Liverpool.

On the bottom end, Spurs dimmed West Brom's glimmer of hope of staying up this afternoon with a 1-0 victory. It is now much more impossible for the Baggies to recover, especially if Sunderland and Newcastle win their matches in the coming bank holiday.

Now for me to give credit where credit is due. Either West Brom had a good go at Spurs or Spurs' defence was terrible again. Even with Ledley at the back and Fab Capello spectating. Or could it have been a mixture?

Let's review, shall we?

Spurs looked to have started positively. Sunny day, loud crowds and the incentive of a Europa League (UEFA Cup) place next season. However, some key players weren't exactly in the zone this afternoon. Namely Robbie Keane and Luka Modric.

I don't think they watched Match of the Day last week, otherwise they'd have noticed that West Brom had the potential to surprise the pundits by confidently sliding three goals past Sunderland. The same could have easily happened to Spurs.

At 22 minutes, West Brom had a corner. Chris Brunt swung it in sweetly for Jonas Olsson to head it. Gomes (my personal man of the match) got a hand to it, leaving Jonathan Woodgate with giant '?'s hovering above his head (these showed up
on screen during the entire game).

Spurs responses two minutes later. Jenas took an inswinging shot from the left side which was parried by Carson, but not out of range of Lennon who also tried one, only to veer off to the left.

Pavlyuchenko had a few chances handed to him. He had consecutive chances at goal, but none of them paid off for him.

One of the best chances Spurs had was when a pass was cut inside the West Brom penalty box past several West Brom shirts only to have not just one...not just two...but three Spurs players wildly lash at the ball unsuccessfully (this did feature Pavlyuchenko as well).

Spurs enjoyed a healthy spell of possession in the final 15 minutes of the half with Pavlyuchenko's shots included.

A lift was almost handed to the dedicated travelling West Brom fans
(or 'travelbaggies' - sorry. Ok I'll stop with that now) as some lack-lustre man-marking permitted Gianni Zuiverloon to cross to Marc-Antoine Fortune, who swiped the ball so hard that it swerved and rose up and just over the bar.

Spurs restarted their attack with Vedran Corluka, who frequently found himself playing...by himself. Too much space was left for the right-back to run around in.

He ran slowly to make a swift pass to a patient Jermaine Jenas who managed to hit a curling right-footed shot past the West Brom defence and neatly into the bottom right-hand corner of the net, just out of reach of Carson's fully stretched hands.

1-0 to Spurs.

On the stroke of 45 minutes, a free kick was awarded to Spurs in a
potential goal position. Luka Modric stepped up in the place of Jenas to take it after a small whisper between the two midfielders.

Modric nudged the ball to his side to let Wilson Palacios thunder a shot at goal, but the ball deflected off (concussed) Valero instead.

HALF TIME

West Brom were still chomping at the bit in the second half. A shot from Fortune at 50 minutes was taken low and goalward, but Gomes collected the ball confidently, because the defence still couldn't.

Not only that, but another shot hit the left post, saving Spurs from another defence howler.

A deflected shot from West Brom lifted upwards and seemingly into the goal, but Gomes saved the day again with a great save to keep Spurs in the game.

Aaron Lennon made some excellent runs on and off the ball. His next shot was good but saved by Carson.

West Brom attacked again using a free kick to their advantage at 68 minutes.
Chris Brunt lofted the ball into the box with his left foot and Shelton Martis answered with a header. However, the header went just wide.

Jermain Defoe (summoned to the pitch to get the much-needed second goal) received a pass during another Spurs counter-attack and made a darting run down the pitch and scored that second goal, only to be denied by an offside flag.

In the 87th minute, Texeira (who replaced Valero) attempted a shot, but the ball was directly in the path of Corluka.

In the last minute of normal time, Lennon came within a goalpost of sealing the win
a bit more convincingly for Spurs, but his shot hit the post.

During injury time, Jenas tried his luck for the final time with a curling shot, but it was parried by Carson and that was the final decent chance of the game.

So strangely enough, West Brom looked like the slightly better team defence-wise, despite the concession of a goal.

Gomes was fantastic yet again. Showing true signs of improvement and showing proof of the legacy he has at PSV Eindhoven.

Maybe I was wrong about Jermaine Jenas. But maybe I was wrong about Keane as well. He hasn't been trying many shots as of late. Would his playmaker skills be more useful in midfield or back at Liverpool?

Answers please.

Subs

Spurs -
Off - Roman Pavlyuchenko (65 minutes)
On - Jermaine Defoe

West Brom -
Off - Paul Robinson (58 minutes)
On - Jay Simpson

Off - Youssouf Mulumbu (68 minutes)
On - Juan Carlos Menseguez

Off - Iglesias Borja Valero (77 minutes)
On - Andrade Filipe Teixeira

Parodies: Not Fair (Favouritism and Inconsistencies in a Nutshell)

David Jacobs — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:03:47 -0400

I wrote the following parody out of continuing frustration about yesterday's display of utter favouritism and inconsistency with the rules FA officials implement during matches. Especially when dealing with the likes of
Manchester United.

See previous article for more details; ideally before you look at this.

I hope I have it put in a nutshell.

Don't edit the word 'FAir'.
I put it like that for emphasis on who I'm having a go at.

Tune - aptly to the tune of 'Not Fair' by Lily Allen.

Most would treat them with respect.
They say that we should all the time.
They blow up fifteen times a minute
Making sure Ronaldo's fine.

You know I've never seen a clan
Whose made him feel quite so secure.
They're not like all those other people
Who say that diving's immature.

But at some point, they can get in the way.
When your team's up two nil, it's just no good.
It's such a shame.
You see it in their eyes
Their aim is to annoy ya.
And then they show you red and it's apparent
Your game's over.

It's not FAir 'cause they're sometimes really mean.
They're sometimes really mean.
They're sometimes really mean.

Oh why do they care
'bout Man.U's three-trophy dream?
Man.U's three-trophy dream?

Oh it's not FAir and it's really not ok.
It's really not ok.
It's really not ok.

Oh why do they care?
It's the p*ss they always take.
The p*ss they always take.

Ronnie lies down in his wet patch
On the ground as if he's dead.
And Fergie's pretty damn hard done by
After giving FA head.

Now I remember all decisions that have caused controversy.
Maybe I'm just over the top with my clearer memory.

It's not FAir 'cause they're sometimes really mean.
They're sometimes really mean.
They're sometimes really mean.

Oh why do they care
'bout Man.U's three-trophy dream?
Man.U's three-trophy dream?

Oh it's not FAir and it's really not ok.
It's really not ok.
It's really not ok.

Oh why do they care?
It's the p*ss they always take.
The p*ss they always take.

(Interlude)

It's not FAir 'cause they're sometimes really mean.
They're sometimes really mean.
They're sometimes really mean.

Oh why do they care
'bout Man.U's three-trophy dream?
Man.U's three-trophy dream?

Oh it's not FAir and it's really not ok.
It's really not ok.
It's really not ok.

Oh why do they care?
It's the p*ss they always take.
The p*ss they always take.

Manchester United v. Tottenham Hotspur: HOWARDisgusting!

David Jacobs — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 17:43:30 -0400

I have officially had it with the FA! If you don’t like brutal honesty, kindly click on another article because this is going to be the "hard stuff". I’m spitting feathers and as much saliva as a salivating llama.

Today was the most depressing and annoying day for Spurs fans across the globe as Manchester United steal a 5-2 win at Old Trafford when they looked like they were being played off their own pitch in the first half.

A goal from Darren Bent plus another from Luka Modric equalled ecstasy for the travelling Spurs fans as they glared at one of the most surprising scorelines ever to grace Old Trafford for years.

Two goals to nil at half-time.

Then, in the second half, things got frustrating and ugly as various Manchester United players vented their anger on the Spurs players whilst getting away with some of it.

Just a few minutes into the second half and midfielder Michael Carrick was through on goal with nobody else but Spurs goalie Gomes in his way. Gomes rightly challenged Carrick for the ball, but Carrick tripped over Gomes’ arms and fell down in the penalty box.

From that moment, the game was completely turned at a full 180˚ as Ronaldo made his first mark on the match. He centred a penalty kick into the net, preceding four more goals against a Spurs side which had ran out of steam and was spluttering for the rest of the game.

However, everybody thought and knew that Gomes had got his hands on the ball as Michael Carrick went down. Only the officials didn’t "see" that and referee Howard Webb gave a penalty unnecessarily.

Spurs fans like me have been venting their own anger on forums and Facebook comment pages around the web[b]—little pun there—and who should blame us? Inconsistencies and favouritism towards the bigger club have gone too far!

If it was Van der Sar challenging for the ball in the same situation, the referee would wave the appeals away with his hands like an eagle on crack.

But seeing as it’s Spurs, who were about to prove they were playing better than Man Utd at Old Trafford, Howard Webb decided to save their blushes by giving them the benefit of the unreasonable doubt and handing Utd a goal.

Not only that, but there were more iffy officiating. Woodgate got booked for a block on Ronaldo, but Rafael got nothing for knocking Luka Modric around.

Ronaldo lashed out in anger by whipping Lennon’s leg from under him without any intention of trying for the ball because it was already out of his way. No booking.

When Ronaldo scored one of the additional goals for Man Utd, he took his shirt off and would’ve been sent off had it not been for Howard Webb’s earlier "harsh leniency"—if you know what I mean.

I’m sick of it!!! [angry face emoticon]

Fair enough, Spurs lost their momentum and confidence, letting the game wander away from them, but where did Man Utd get any momentum from apart from that penalty?

They were totally outplayed until that moment. The letter below isn’t just frustration from me, but from all the clubs who fall victim and lose matches due to bias and favouritism. Some obvious, some not.

Has anyone besides me noticed that the only people to complain about the Wembley Stadium surface recently have been Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger?

Both their teams, bizarrely enough, were the losing teams in their FA Cup semifinals last week. I wonder why...

Here’s the letter I wrote to the FA and the Referees Association. Comment however you please.

Scathing? Yes.
Honest and from the heart? YES!

“Dear Sir/Madam,
I am absolutely disgusted and outraged by the complete farce of a decision that turned a Premier League game on its head at Old Trafford between Spurs and Manchester United today.

Even without replaying, referee Howard Webb could clearly see that the goalkeeper of Spurs, Heurelho Gomes got a hand to the ball when challenging Michael Carrick in the penalty box.

Even if it may not have been too clear, standard procedure of Premier League football would ominously dictate that protection for goalkeepers comes above protection for field players in situations such as that.

I'm afraid that this decision to award a penalty was unnecessary and inconsistent with how you would treat Edwin van der Sar, if it was Manchester United for example.

I have a few other moments from today's match to refresh your memories which have been noted by other Spurs fans:

Aaron Lennon got tripped up by Cristiano Ronaldo out of Ronaldo's pure frustration at the fact that a player was doing better than him on the pitch. He got no booking when he should've had one because he was not in any way trying to play the ball, which had already been drawn away by Lennon.

Then on scoring one of Manchester United's goals in the second half, he took his shirt off in celebration. The tripping of Aaron Lennon for no rational reason would’ve eventually and lawfully seen him sent off. But it seems to me as if there’s pressure on officials to please Alex Ferguson on his home turf.

Jonathan Woodgate got booked for blocking Cristiano Ronaldo in the first half. A fair booking. However, in the second half, Rafael received no discipline after knocking Luka Modric.

When is this utter unfairness (an ironic take on the 'Fair Play' policy which the FIFA have tried to enforce) going to end?

Also, it hit me that a bad decision was made at Old Trafford against Tottenham a few years ago when Pedro Mendes shot from the halfway line and the ball landed in the goal cleanly and clearly. But the linesman only saw Roy Carroll look like he saved it when he was actually scooping it out of the net.

What I'm trying to put forward here is a polite inquiry for you as to if there's either an element of favouritism towards Alex Ferguson amongst the FA, favouritism towards the top-four, or an element of fear that Alex Ferguson will throw his toys out the pram if Manchester United look[ed] like they were losing a match at home, losing their so-called 'credibility' and 'reputation'.

I'm asking for a full review of the replay.

Considering that Howard Webb is supposed to be refereeing the Cup final, what's there to stop him doing the same thing again, in favour of Chelsea? There's plenty of blatantly wrong decisions made in the past. Not just against Spurs, but against ANY non-top-four side.

I ask that this inconsistency be stopped by means of goal line technology and replays during the match in case of dispute. It's fully available, isn't it? How can a fair decision 'spoil the game' as most officials believe. It would take the heat off of them and reduce criticism.

Just one more point before I end this letter—recently, the Wembley Stadium playing surface was criticised for its quality by Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger.Their two teams, Manchester United and Arsenal were BOTH, surprisingly enough, the losing sides of the FA Cup semifinals! And yet, the FA have only ordered the resurfacing of the pitch when they started complaining.

Can you please explain that too. I would truly appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
Yours Sincerely,
David.J”

Call it bitterness, call it bias, but don't call me wrong!

I've had it with the unnecessary protection of top four clubs' reputations at the expense of important points and the rules.

If you wanted my rant in a nutshell, see below:

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/162442-parodies-not-fair-favouritism-and-inconsistencies-in-a-nutshell

Parodies: Phil Brown - Wearing His Earpiece

David Jacobs — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 06:20:59 -0400

Am I releasing these too quick? Probably. Anyway, I wrote this parody out of curiosity.

Hull City's manager, Phil Brown always has this earpiece that he speaks to at every match and I've always wondered; Who is he speaking to!? And Why?

Here's my theory:

Tune - 'Wearin' My Rolex' by Wiley feat. Hot Chip.