Bleacher Report - Articles by Benjamin Freeman

Will Credit Crisis Bring an End to the Game of Golf? (Humor)

Benjamin Freeman — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:53:13 -0400

I tell you, if there’s one good thing that can come from this lovely credit crisis that has half of Wall Street shitting itself, while the other half is trying to pry open the suicide-proof windows in their hideously opulent offices, then it is the ever so slim, but oh so titillating prospect that golf may one day soon vanish from the Earth.

Now that Congress killed the $700 billion bailout plan, those dues at the country club might become too much of a sacrifice for the Jones family, or what’s left of it, after Father decided to take his pride with his investments and drop like Oedipus’ hard-on right before he gouged his eyes out.

‘Cause let’s face it, even with the golden parachutes these families will most certainly receive from the Government, that took their money from the same people who Pop-Pop’s investment bank has been taking money from since before the dawn of time, there won’t be any time for Golf while they’re busy immigrating to Cuba to make off with the rest of whatever the next Bailout is going to provide these elitist bastards.

Hell, businessmen of the new millennium pre-depression age might even decide to embrace a more modern and original form of suicide than hopping out a window (and let’s face it, they might have to, as a lot of the fat bastards probably couldn’t even fit through the frames).

For instance, what if one of those Rush Limbaugh types finally decides to swallow the entire bottle of Oxicotin before they’ve had their morning glory?

Or how about if Ted Turner set himself aflame outside the Pentagon, an act, which would only make the ticker tape headlines at the bottom of the screen because Larry King was too busy shuffling into eternity via an overdose of Garlique on live TV?

But what if thousands of business men somberly trudged into the afterlife wearing plaid shorts, their favorite Lacoste polo shirt and a nine Iron in a massive Heaven’s Gate-esque suicidal orgy with the help a shot of arsenic mixed in with their already repugnant Arnold Palmers, clogging those once verdant cathedrals of grotesque capitalist excess into an ultra-exclusive graveyard?

Think of it, we could even start some sort of public works initiative that would employ thousands in an effort to remove the top 5 percent of our nation's income and wealth from sandtraps and the murmuring banks of water obstacles. Hell, I’d do it for free!

Just think of what we could do with all of that space! We could make things like nature preserves, parks for children, farmland, even just ignore the space altogether.

I would personally turn every golf course in this country into giant drive-in movie theatre, so that I could park my Prius on some suit named Ford’s final resting place while I try to remove his daughter’s bra.

All the while, we'll watch pirated DVDs on a massive projector that shines upon the driving range fence where old Papa Ford once wasted a substantial portion of his life avoiding his family, and envying his business partners’ reportedly massive genitals.

But how liberating would it be to know that thousands of acres of land could possibly be wrested from the vicious clenched fists of this nations “elite” knowing that they could no longer enjoy their favorite pastime of beating the hell out of a tiny little ball while planning how they will repeatedly rape the culture and pocketbooks of those with less money, and better things to do with their time.

Golf would in no way be a loss to our society. It is an elitist game that makes a complete embarrassment of itself by masquerading as a sport. It’s boring. It takes up utterly too much space, and the only people who play it are professional douche-bags.

But why wait until the economy collapses? Why don’t we take matters into our own hands and do away with golf, do away with the suits, and bring on my drive-in movie theatres. I’ll bring the popcorn!

How Sarah Palin Is Killing English Football.

Benjamin Freeman — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 12:51:58 -0400

In respect for all greed fueled Capitalist swine hooplah over copyright infringement, I'm going to tell you right now that I lifted all of this information related to significant dates from -----------.com and --------------.net. But, the tangled web of events that I uncovered suggest, nay, point directly to the fact that Republican Governor Sarah Louis Heath Palin of Alaska (aka "Seward's Folly") is ruining English Football.

Let's begin with her date of birth, February 11th, 1864. On that fateful and terrible day in 1812, Massachusetts Governor Elridge Gerry Gerrymandered for the first time, and practice which directly led to the emergence of MK Dons (50 or so miles up the road) from the ruins of Wimbledon, disenfranchising the supports of the former West London club. Tisk, tisk, Governor.

Furthermore, on the same date in 1858, the Virgin Mary allegedly appeared to Saint Bernadette of Lourdes, a common belief which I am sure has propagated the belief that one can communicate with dead old women. Had this day not been so cursed we might be having to sit through Frank Lampard's on pitch seance every time he actually earns his gross salary.

Finally, on the 11th of February, 1943, General Dwight Eisenhower is selected over Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery, which most historians agree set in to motion the emasculation of British financial and political integrity, which undoubtedly caused the loss of English clubs to American Arch-Conservatives Gillette, Hicks, and Glazers.

More importantly, the credit crunch is a dastardly side effect of poisonous American dollar, with particular emphasis on the Premier League, as West Bromwich Albion, West Ham, and possibly Manchester United are loosing precious revenue from shirt front advertisement space. The connection is there, Palin's coming is even referenced in the Bible somewhere, as a day of ill repute, and death in both --------- 4:35 and -----------8:17. Scary, isn't it?

Sarah Palin and Cristiano Ronaldo have something very disturbing in common. No, it's not their ability to say one thing, and then the next day mean another. Nor is it their marginal command of the English language (though I credit the young Portuguese as being a grade above the Alaskan head of State).

Both of the fathers of these two illustrious figures had serious man-crushes on Ronald Reagan, one so much so that he was inclined to saddle his son with a moniker in respect for a man who saw a full scale military invasion of the then Global Superpower that is Grenada as an utter necessity.

Hmmm...Now, I'm no Historian, but I'm pretty sure that there is good evidence in defense of the assertion that Reaganites mess everything up. So, what does this mean for the world of English Football? No matter what team you support, Cristiano "The Gipper" Ronaldo is messing them up.

And what about the National Team? Don't you find it interesting that England has not won the final of a major International competition since 30 July, 1966, nearly two and a half years after the birth of Chief Executive of "The Land of the Midnight Sun" (see also "The Land of the Soul Destroying Darkness")?

I most certainly do.

You see, most "witches" according to New England Folklore, and the Holy Bible, can't perform spells or incantations until they're three years old. In fact, one of the earliest laws passed in colonial Maine was to allow for the execution of children, should it be provable beyond all reasonable doubt that the accused was actively participating in or sympathizing with witchcraft, witchlore, or general witchery.

Now, I'm not calling anyone a "witch" per se here, but I must admit that I do find it a tad disturbing that England has failed at every international tournament since the Former Miss Alaska was able to mutter "Penalty Shoot-Out" or "Hand of God" over an over again in a relentless shower of Satanic hate, before moving on to make a potion of incompetence from the tears of Paul Gascoigne (a potion which later drove him mad), the metatarsal bones of Beckham, Rooney, and Owen, and the gloves of Paul Robinson.

Either way you look at it, Sarah Palin is bad news. For me, for you, for the world, and most especially for the great sport of football. So I say this, if you love yourself, this world, and football, then please do everything in your power to ensure that this semi-literate embodiment of modern conservatism (and all of its dastardly, horrendous, sickening failures) never, ever, ever, gets anymore influence over our lives.

Open Thread: Should FIFA Allow Refs to Use Video Footage? Please Comment!

Benjamin Freeman — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 11:01:20 -0400

Should referees in Europe's top leagues be allowed to review video footage in order to make fair decisions? If so, under what circumstances? Does the referee decide when neither he nor his linesmen can say with certainty what has occurred on the pitch? Or should club managers be allowed a set number of video review per match, much like in the American NFL?

Will either of these slow down the pace of the game, and more importantly, how would stoppage time be determined should such a measure be introduced?

Or, would the introduction of in-match video review hurt the authority of Referees? Does it deteriorate the integrity of the game and the officials? Would the use of cameras dramatically, and perhaps negatively transform football as we know it?

Anyway, please leave your point of view. I haven't made up my mind, so if anyone has an informed opinion (or just a gut feeling) please share with us.