Bleacher Report - Articles by Horsetoothed

Back In The Swing of Things: The Sports World This Week

Horsetoothed — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 11:23:34 -0400

“You will do as the Scorpions have done before you!” - Er, Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Fear not my ~~four~~ multitude of readers, for Horsetoothed.com is back in full effect. Yes, even now, I can hear the triumphant rejoice, loud enough to topple the walls of Jericho, about such an occasion. To be cliche for a moment, and state something every rapper on earth says at least once each album, thats right, “we’re back” (and when I mean “we’re back” I really mean “I’m back and Amaysing will type something once a month, like a blogtastic menstruation”).

Hanging out in ‘Bama and then fucking off all last week was fun, but now it’s time to return to what we do best, bitching about sports related shit and announcing fellow bloggers we’d love to defile like a Bang Bro’s film.

Lets see, what’s happened since we’ve been gone:

-Larry Fitzgerald reworked a new deal with the Cardinals, 4 years, 40 million (30 guaranteed), assuring the fact that he’ll get injured, then go to another team and be productive.

- The Oakland Raiders have acquired DeAngelo Hall and Javon Walker, thus assuring the fact that their cap space will be as fucked up as the New York Knicks has been for several years. Especially since they have the fourth pick in the draft this year.

-Johnathan Stewart, former Oregon Ducks running back has a boo-boo on his toe, leaving him out four to six months and saving some team from vastly overpaying him.

-Sam Cassell nailed a three last night in crunch time to give the Celtics a victory over San Antonio. The shot also gave ESPN another reason to think that Boston is anything other than playoff fodder. Sure, they’ll make it past the first round and perhaps the second, but the moment they cross spears with Detroit (the only real team from the East), they’re going to get abused.

-The Atlanta Hawks are in the playoff race in the East.

-Wait, what? The Atlanta Hawks?

-Yea, at 29-38, the Hawks are the 8th seed right now. Other championship quality teams from the east include the 33-33 Washington Wizards and the 33-34 Philadelphia 76ers.

-Over in the West, no team below 40 wins is in the playoff hunt.

-Nobody gives a fuck about these bullets, they just want to see the BIWMB that I didn’t post Friday because I’m a lazy asshole.

So, without further adieu, I present you with this weeks first BIWMB (I still have one planned for Friday too, I’m just playing catchup).

This days BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging) is Julya Satir from Stockholm, Sweden. Yea, I fell back into it, Sweden called me right back. I hunted and hunted for something elsewhere, but when I saw this gorgeous piece of ass I could not help myself. With a fantastic rack and lips that look like they could latch on to your manhood like a vice, who wouldn’t want to conquer that?

David Carr: Still Making More Money Than You

Horsetoothed — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 10:53:05 -0400

“Yeah well you think Polypeptide’s a motherfuckin’ toothpaste!” - Shonte Jr, Me, Myself and Irene

The New York “Football” Giants signed David Carr to a 1 million dollar contract yesterday…

Wait for it…

Ah, there it is, the morale killing sentiment that accompanies the notification of someone making an exorbitant more than you to suck at their job. For years, Davey battled Kyle Boller for the “NFL’s Dumbest QB” award, yet six years after he was idiotically taken with the first pick in the draft, he still hangs around.

What’s wrong New York? The fat fuck backup you already had can’t ignore a check down like Carr and toss the pigskin into triple coverage? I honestly hope that you guys repeat now, as it would be priceless to see Tiki Barber cut his own throat on live TV, effectively fire-hosing Keith Olberman with his crimson lifeforce and making him the “WORST PERSON IN THE NFL!”.

I dont know what’s going to be more fun; a) Watching Carr get mentored by Eli Manning or, b) When the debate around the water cooler shifts to who was a worse first pick, Carr, Alex Smith or JaMarcus Russell. Ah well, either way, we’re still poor as shit compared to David Carr, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go place a bible next to my head and kill myself.

Tomorrow is BIWMB day and I have jack shit as of right now, so it looks like I have my work cut out for me tonight.

Like Scottie Pippen, I’m Sitting This One Out…

Horsetoothed — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 00:05:39 -0500

Since Amaysing made a post yesterday (meaning his next one will come sometime shortly before we colonize the fucking moon), and I’m going to be wicked busy tomorrow with work bullshit, tomorrow is going to be an off day. Since I dont like to just leave our three readers with nothing, I usually try link to something somewhat interesting and this will be no exception.

Blogger Wild Stacy isn’t your normal female blogger (which usually write about gay shit like knitting, America’s Next Top Model or menstruating). This chick goes into ridiculous detail about who she’s banging (both male and female) and usually is worth a read if you’re completely bored at work. And hey, would you rather read about chicks doing chicks or a page long diatribe about how I pooped the night before.

http://startingat15.blogspot.com/

Anyway, Friday (tomorrow when anyone is reading this, two days from now if you’re reading this right now) is the BIWMB, and we’ll see if Sweden is going to take home the crown for the fifth time in a row.

News Alertz: Brett Favre Un-retires!

Horsetoothed — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 07:59:01 -0500

“One more year, Brett! Please, one more year”

-United Nations canned reply to this great tragedy

Horsetoothed prides itself on providing accurate and newsworthy information to its millions of readers. A recent study by Alexa.com shows that Horsetoothed received 250000 unique visitors every hour.

My point?

Horsetoothed is the first blog/news-site to report that Brett Favre has un-retired and will be playing one more year for the Packers this fall.

“Come on guys. You thought this was over? It isn’t even draft-time.”

We have secured the rights to his first interview since the un-retirement. The transcript is below:

Horsetoothed (HT): Mr. Favre, what made you decide to come back to the game of Football.

Brett Favre: Honestly, I couldn’t stay away from the game.

HT: Could you give more specifics, please?

Favre: Ok, ok, you got me. My dick hurts. I didn’t know that it would get sucked on so much by the media. I mean, I knew that I had groupies but this is out of control.

HT: Well you are loved by many in the media and in the football world.

Favre: Oh, I get that. But this is ridiculous. I mean Peter King called me and asked for a hair sample from me to get through the mourning. Is this guy for real?

HT: Why do you think you retired in the first place?

Favre: Because I am a gunslinger

HT:…that doesn’t make sense

Favre: My last moment is losing to Eli Manning! Fuck u. This interview is over.

*Favre gets up from interview

HT: Mr. Favre! Wait. Come back. We have beer…

”Favre’s going away party didn’t go as planned for Eli Manning”

Letter to China

Horsetoothed — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 10:02:36 -0500

“Hello, Snotface! Yuck! What happened to you? Look at you. You’re all older. You’re even uglier. Uch. I’m sorry. I’m gonna have to be sick all over you immediately. Lie down.” - Fred, Drop Dead Fred

Dear China,

Please stop sending pussies to the National Basketball Association. While it’s monumentally sad to think that Yi Jianlian (a bust) and Yao Ming (busted up) is the best you have to offer, I’d much rather think of it as some kind of fucked up joke that you are all in on, chuckling as you send one tall pussy after another to kill democracy through destroying a teams salary cap space. Honestly, have you watched your exports? No? Well, in the words of Avi Denovitz from Snatch, “Shut up, sit down you big bald fuck,” and allow me to tell you about your massive pieces of shit you sent us.

Meet Yi Jianlian. Oh wait, you already fucking met. Yea, thats right, you assholes were with him at the pre-draft camps and denied some teams from meeting him. After unsuccessfully manipulating the draft, you then ordered Yi to pout like a bitch (which he performed magnificently) until he was traded from Milwaukee (part of me agrees with this tactic though, Milwaukee fucking sucks and I’m not just talking about the team, the city also sucks dick). You figured if David Stern can manipulate the draft so Patrick Ewing winds up in New York, then you guys were home free… Error on your part as you forgot that David Stern only gives a shit about the San Antonio Spurs or making sure that Dwayne Wade gets to shoot 20 free throws a game.

Stuck in Milwaukee, the 24 27 22 20 year old star from the Guangdong Tigers is averaging a stellar 9 pts, 5 rebounds and less than 1 assist per game. Aside from his on court domination, Yi also holds the record for the “creepiest looking motherfucker in the NBA”. I shit you not, fuckface here looks like you should put him on a tricycle, wheel him into a room and have him tell a bunch of fucks that Jigsaw wants to play a game.

We covered Yi, so that leaves us with the original menstruating vagina you sent us, Yao. Despite being the tallest player in the league (meaning he has seven inches on Tim Duncan, 50 pounds too), Yao is just about the softest player in the league. Yao plays like the rim is made of razor wire and everyone inside the key will spontaneously combust if touched. Honestly, I’ve seen poodles more ferocious than he gets. When Yao first came into the league, each year I would be afraid that one of these days he’ll figure out that he’s the big boy on the playground. After his pussified 05-06 campaign, I’ve since relinqueshed such thoughts for certain fact that he’ll always beat a battered housewife on the court.

In closing, China, we respect the fact that you all have stepped up and taken the place of the USSR to give us something to fear whenever our government deems it necessary. Your next step should be to take a page out of the Soviets playbook and start producing atheletes that actually possess male genitalia and the ability to produce testosterone. If ever there is someone you might deem worthy of shipping off the to the NBA, try checking their iPOD for The Fray or ask them if their nipples lactate.

V/R,
Horsetoothed.com

Amaysing1's Super Bowl Recap

Horsetoothed — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 08:50:01 -0500

Here at Horsetoothed, we take great pride in writing whatever we feel and also making fun of people in the process.

I normally stay in the background and watch as flohtingPoint berates people for, well, not agreeing with everything he says or thinks.

Normally I don’t care enough to make an entry about someone else, or I am too busy ensuring neglect to the blog.

Nonetheless, after reading this crap on the Internet:

“Eli was in the grasp of THREE DEFENDERS and the play should have been ruled DEAD…DEAD..DEAD!

This game is a sham, a disgrace and the American public is shocked that an 18-1 team is not Super Bowl Champions! Instead we have a 13-6 wildcard team who holds the Lombardi Trophy…its a national disgrace!!!”

Enough is enough. Without further ado, I present Amaysing1’s Super Bowl Recap...

PatriotVindication is an idiot

While looking at the David Tyree catch on youtube, I came across the above quote. The NFL has taken down the video, but I am going to proceed with the bashing.

PatriotVindication is the idiot that wrote the above quote. His argument is that America should be upset that an 18-1 team is not the Super Bowl Champions.

PatriotVindication, consider this proxy-safe video a shout-out to you and to all Patriots fans who cannot accept defeat graciously:

[See post to watch Flash video]

*Thanks to del1ght for the video

Nonetheless, what an idiot! According to PatriotVindication ’s logic, the team with the better record should be the Super Bowl winner and not the actual winner of the game.

He also states that a 13-6 team is unworthy of the Lombardi. Is this guy for real? Let’s do the math. The Giants beat the Bucs, Cowboys and the Packers before finally beating the Patriots.

They beat the top teams in the NFC and this guy makes a claim that they shouldn’t be World Champions. This just shows once again that common sense isn’t common at all.

If you want someone to blame, blame the offensive line that couldn’t stop the Giants from abusing their quarterback. Blame the coaching staff for not running any screens to try to slow down the blitzes and the QB pressure.

Blame Belichick for going for it on fourth and long instead of kicking the long field goal. Blame Rodney Harrison for not running through David Tyree on the miracle catch, but rather going for the ball.

You can blame many people. It wouldn’t be fair though, because the Giants were the better team that evening.

Justin Tuck: 2008 Super Bowl MVP

Super Bowl MVP awards are normally a political award, not given to the player who had the greatest impact on the game, but rather the winning quarterback of the game. Nonetheless, I initially thought that the MVP award would have went to Justin Tuck.

Tuck finished the game with two sacks, six tackles and a forced fumble. Defense certainly won this championship and the defense was led by the efforts of Justin Tuck.

His stats do not tell the entire tale of the significance of his play. He sacked Brady on third and 17 that forced a punt. On the very next Patriots offensive series, he forced a Brady fumble that stopped a potential scoring drive.

In addition, the running game of the Patriots was also shut down by the defensive front. However, I suppose offensive and defensive lineman do not make for newsworthy coverage, especially when a Manning story is in the works.

Manning significantly made his case with his great drives at the end; however, the defense put him in position to be able to win that game in the first place. Defense wins championships, but not MVPs.

Super Bowl Horsetoothed Jackass Award

The first annual Super Bowl Horsetoothed Jackass award was a close race to the finish. The finalists were:

Tom Brady: Arrogantly implying that there is no way that your team can be held to 17 points and then scoring 14 is priceless.

Jeremy Shockey: What type of teammate watches the biggest game of the year from a luxury suite? He should have been on the field with everyone else.

Tiki Barber: He definitely has to feel like an idiot for:

- Questioning his former QB’s leadership skills so that he could make a name for himself with the media.

- Having his former team win the Super Bowl the year after he retires.

- Watching the same QB go on to win the MVP award.

*Drumroll

The award goes to Tiki Barber. How could he not win the award? If there is such a thing as karma, it definitely exists for this guy. Tiki, we thank you for your service and continued effort to accomplish this great goal.

Dateline: Phoenix, Arizona

The Phoenix Suns just pulled off one of the biggest trades in NBA history. Now, coming from a team that gave up Jeff Hornacek and two scrubs for Charles Barkley, or found a way to rebuild their team by using Isaiah as a proxy, you might find this a surprise, but wait till you hear the details.

The Phoenix Suns are sending All-Star Shawn Marion and All-Shit Marcus Banks to Miami for the following:

-14-time All-Star Shaquille O’Neal

-The Big Aristotle

-Super Hero Steel

-Magical Genie Kazaam

-Street Fighter Shaq-Fu

-Some guy horribly named Wilt Chamberneezy

-World famous dancer The Big Baryshnikov

-The first pick in the 1992 Draft
-Blue Chip Neon

-The Fu Schnickens

-A Diesel with 400,000 miles on it

I know what you’re thinking, “No fucking way?!!?!”

Way my friend. Way. I’d say that line up right there has got to be worth five or six titles alone. Can you imagine Nash tossing the ‘oop to Neon just like Butch McRae did when they were at Western together?

Money every time. Hey, if things get too tough, D’Antoni can just rub a lamp and wish for a couple championships from Kazaam.

Yes, I see a bright future for the Valley of the Sun. Smart move fellas, way to make us proud!

Sports Wives: Service Pack 1

Horsetoothed — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:03:50 -0500

A quick update today.

Amaysing has a Super Bowl Recap in draft which, given his track record, will be out sometime around the rapture.

Me, I'm feeling too awful to be creative, but I did feel the need to address the fact that Tracey McGrady is married to a chubby, ugly, bald dude with a bad wig.

Forget the junk in the trunk, look at those arms. I’ve seen babies with more muscle tone. And that forehead?

T-Mac, is this who you are spending your paychecks on? I can barely make a 10' jumper, but I could nab a way hotter babe.

Sucks to be you, man… No, honestly, unless you can find her a spider to write “SOME PIG” in a web above her so she can start earning her own way, I’d say it’s probably better to cut your losses now and sell her off to Oscar Meyer.

Super Bowl XLII: Get Out of My City

Horsetoothed — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 12:24:42 -0500

“The sign says ‘Glendale’, be we all know this is Phoenix…” - Corey Taylor, Slipknot

Most of my “growing up” years were spent in Phoenix, Arizona. I was there when AZ decided it might be a good idea to get rid of Martin Luther King day (“Civil rights, schmivil rights” - Joe Arpaio). I was present for the 1992-1993 Phoenix Suns championship run. I don’t know how many summer days I spent skating at the park at 67th Ave and Encanto. And before I parted ways with the Valley of the Sun, I lived off 79th Avenue, in part of the Phoenix metropolitan area called Glendale.

My stay in Glendale was not the longest, but it was one of the most fun. I had a kickass job working at Osco Drug Store, selling colostomy bags and potty chairs to fucks with one foot in the grave. I was attending the world renowned Devry Technical Institute, where most of the time I would ditch class and download nekkid vids off Scour from the computer lab. I drove the coolest automobile a 20 year old could want, a 1993 Nissan Hardbody Pickup, complete with a hole in the dash where someone stole my tape deck. Yea, I had the life, and I knew it… Sometimes at work, I would go on break, leaving some poor geriatric person to contemplate the in’s and out’s of how to climb up on their new potty chair from their walker, and smoke a cig while dreaming about how awesome Glendale is.

*record scratch*

Or at least how awesome it used to be before those cock smoking New England Patriots won the fucking AFC Championship Game. What the fuck were you thinking Norv Turner. Hmm, this team has been kicking the shit out of me all day on the ground. Ah gee, its 4th down and I’m a good distance into enemy territory in the 4th quarter and losing. LETS PUNT!!!! Smart move dipshit, who wanted to play in the Super Bowl anyway? Those Patriots took your dumbfuck punt and grinded the whole fucking clock down. Even Marty wasn’t that conservative!

Bad motherfucking choice, motherfucker….

Oh, and way to go out in style too you fucking crybabies! New England was playing a little too rough so you gotta go sobbing to the press? Are you serious? Someone find me Charles Barkley to spit on these fuckers pronto. Not only was this totally classless (and yea, this is coming from someone who cheered when Steve Kerr’s dad died just because he was a Wildcat), but you bitches came off looking like Arnie from “Whats Eating Gilbert Grape”. How is it possible to look like more of a bitch than your teammate who only played two plays and then took himself out of the game? I don’t know, but you accomplished it!

And then- and then- and then they stepped on my fooooooot!!!!!! =(

So once again, thanks Norv Turner for letting the New England Patriots and the whole nation of annoying ass Boston fans into Phoenix. I hope that the contract killer I hired to gut Bill Simmons gives me a discount on taking you out. Don’t even think you can hide either, cause he’s got that badass eagle vision that nobody uses in Assassins Creed, so he’ll track you down, shank you with his hidden blade and then lay low in a wagon of hay until the Fuzz lose track of him.

Look, all I can say is that I hope Eli Manning doesn’t wake up and realize that for the first time in his life, he’s playing above average ball at a high level. I take that back, I can also hope that the Patriots die in a plane crash (WE ARE BOSTON!!!!!). Either way, welcome to Arizona you spy-camera using fucks. Please know that everyone there hates you and any girls you bang will be from our army of aids women we keep for just these occasions.

To commemorate how much more badass Phoenix is than those fuckin retah’ded assholes from Boston, this weeks BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging) is Alyssa Andrews of Phoenix, Arizona. One can only hope that the Giants fuck the Patriots as hard as I’d bang her…

Jock Heaven: Hottest Sports Wives

Horsetoothed — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 02:55:39 -0500

“You’ll always lose money chasing women but you will never lose women chasing money”

-Black Aristotle

Yesterday, Sports Illustrated ran an article on athlete and celebrity relationships. Their picture gallery can be found here.

After seeing the couples, it got me thinking about all the beautiful women who whore themselves out to be a "Sports Wife."

So I did my research…

Jason Kidd loves to "beat" that chest.

Kobe Bryant’s wife deserves her own writeup. They met, while she was 17, while she was working as a background dancer for Tha Eastsidaz.

No offense, but I don’t know how I feel about my future wife being introduced to me by Snoop Dogg.

If that isn’t bad enough, she's the only person in the world to own an automatic-only Lamborghini Murciélago. This is just retarded.

First of all, most people would not know how to drive this car. Second of all, and most important, you don’t convert THIS DAMN CAR to a auto transmission. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE A STICK. Okay, I need to move on before I lose it...

Emmitt Smith says “Who needs the Cardinals when I can’t lose?”

Pete Sampras epitomizes the American Dream. Get rich. Be ugly. Get attractive woman.

Anna Benson. She calls herself a golddigger and told a radio show that she would screw everyone on the team if she found out her husband cheated on her.

If I was on that team, I would make sure to find some groupies for her husband in a hurry.

This is perhaps the worst. She is married to NASCAR driver, Jeff Gordon. Do I really need to say any thing else on this subject?

Honorable Divorce Mentions: Vanessa Williams, Halle Berry

Those two don’t really count because they found more fame than Rick Fox and David Justice; however, I enjoyed the Google Images experience.

MLB Rant: Spare Me, Please

Horsetoothed — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:33:20 -0500

“Boris the Blade, or Boris “the Bullet Dodger.” As bent as the Soviet’s sickle, and as hard as the hammer that crosses it. Apparently, it’s impossible to kill the bastard.” - Turkish, Snatch

You want to know what my favorite time of the year is? *All two of our readers shake their head “no” violently* My favorite time of the year is the time after Baseball season ends and before it begins, when nobody talks about motherfucking baseball. I can’t say I didn’t take complete joy during the strike in the 90’s, as it helped the MLB topple from being “America’s Past Time”, to the piece of shit, third rate sport it is.

Honestly, who the fuck can watch this shit? IT HAS NO FUCKING TIME LIMIT. Hypothetically, you could have some fuckbag hit foul balls for the next 10 years and the god damned game wont fucking end. Who the fuck is dumb enough to invent a game with such a critical flaw? You know your fucking sport sucks if you can play a doubleheader. Ask any NFL team if they want to play another game right after the one they played, and you’ll end up with one of the ends of the goal post stuffed up your ass like you’re a Jack In The Box antenna ball.

But what about soccer! These guys can play doubleheaders, that must mean futbol blows!

No, you cock-mouthed retard, the reason futbol clubs can play back to back games if need be is because their clubs are large enough to support that. The reason the MLB can have doubleheaders is because the fuckheads on the field spend more time doing NOTHING than actually doing something. The only jackass actually getting a workout and getting tired is the pitcher so go back to drinking your jiz flavored cosmopolitain and watching Albert Pujols.

That 12 fingered nasty ass Alfonseca should take a play out of
Ronnie Lott’s book and cut some of those phalanges off.

Anyway, I digress… My favorite time of the year is when NO BASEBALL is on fucking TV, because all I get is total unadulterated NFL and NBA coverage, you know, the sports the actually matter. Sadly, this time is gone now, cause we got every motherfucker in congress talking about them. Dont we have an election coming up? Cant you focus on something more important than if some asshole made himself stronger to play a game for the entertainment of many? Look, all I’m saying is our tax dollars are not getting wasted to support the investigation of claims that Cypress Hill smoked a shitload of weed to make their albums, SO WHY THE FUCK IS CONGRESS WASTING IT’S TIME WITH BASEBALL AND STEROIDS??!?! Why is part of my pay check being wasted to have people argue about prior drug usage in a sport that less people cared about than the last NBA Finals?

If the fact that this is a gratuitously enormous waste of money by America isn’t bad enough, the people there aren’t even taking it seriously and are total morons! Palmeri? 300 HITS?!?!?! Are you fucking serious?

Nobody went to court over Belicheats stupidass spy videos, Merriman isn’t having to testify to steriods and pretend he can speak english like like that gaywad Sosa, and Rodney Harrison is going to play in a Superbowl without the hassle of having phone calls between him and Brian McNamee taped while his fucking kid is DYING! Face it baseball fans, your sport fucking sucks and its filled with juiced assholes that are total whiners. Lawrence Taylor, Jack Lambert and Mike Singletary talked shit on every single play during their career and you guys get sandy vaginas when A-Rod shouted “HAH” at a third baseman… HAH? You hear more vulgar shit talk in Seminaries.

Now that I’ve worked myself up into a steaming pot of anger shit stew, I’m going to go grab some breakfast and pray that Dan Patrick isn’t talking about your pussy-ass baseball hearings.

Dear Philip Rivers…Tone Down the Act

Horsetoothed — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 14:20:11 -0500

“You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity…” - Bullet Tooth Tony, Snatch

Dear Philip Rivers,

Allow me to start off by saying that I wont be too disappointed if you dont read this. We are, perhaps, the least read blog on the internet (outside of the Michael David Chapman fanclub).

Now that I got the pleasantries out of the way, on to the meat and potatoes.
Look, while I thought that your little… uh… tiff with Jay Cutler was remotely funny (mainly because nobody likes Jay Cutler anyway), this dumb shit with the fans and you going batshit all the time, like you’ve been jacking Shawne Merriman’s roid stash, has got to stop. If you continue down this path, you’ll become…

Meet Rudy Carpenter, Phil.

Rudy is just fresh off getting tag team bowl-fucked by Hawaii and Texas, so you’ll have to excuse him if he inadvertently cuts the cheese every once in a while because his anus looks like the puss of a woman who’s given birth 10 times. Rudy was doing the “I’m a badass” thing LONG before you started in on this shit encrusted path. He gets into regular verbal battles with SUN DEVIL fans (yea, thats right, he yells at his own supporters), causing screaming matches outside of barber shops or across campus. What about when he’s on the road? Forget about it, he’s jawing at everything in sight, making him the asshole of the PAC-10.

Back in high school, Rudy was “going steady” with a young woman named Brynn Cameron. Figuring he probably had his future set in stone, he thought he had nothing to worry about. Wrong… Brynn later went on to become one of Matt Leinart’s 10,000 bitches at USC, yet instead of busting on her face Bang Bro’s style, he impregnated her and bailed… Rudy is now daddy #2, as last time I heard, he’s taking care of Matt’s little love-mistake and living with Brynn. Real winner right there.

Phil, you’re one of the few people in the NFL that I don’t really have a problem with, or make fun of on a constant basis, but unless you want to join the ranks of Rudy “I let my daddy fight my battle vs Sam Keller” Carpenter, I’d suggest taking it down a notch.

Begrudgingly Yours (because you’re the only QB left in the playoffs that I don’t hate),
flohtingPoint and the staff here at Horsetoothed.com

Horsetoothed.com’s BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging):

Today’s BIWMB belongs to Manuela Pastore of Palermo, Italia. She’s ridiculous… I’d have to spend months saying Our Father’s and Hail Mary’s because of how carnal my knowledge would be. Yea, I miss traveling around my motherland of Italia, where I could splash on some olive oil, spray on my garlic scented Brut and pick up women.

What's Wrong and Right with the NFL Playoffs

Horsetoothed — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 21:14:21 -0500

-Amaysing1

Enough is enough.

flohtingPoint has been harassing me because of the horrible lack of posting by me in the last couple of days…

Ok…months.

He has called me out in posts and even has the nerve to use my tactic of painstakingly adding attractive, semi-dressed women to horsetoothed posts.

flohtingPoint, I will steal a line from the great orator that is our President and give you these great sentiments.

Anyways, I have decided to make a comeback (Translation: This may only last a week or two…).

So without further ado,

What’s wrong with the NFL Playoffs?

5. Patriots winning…Bill Simmons must be splooging all over his hand right now.

4. Josh Brown and his heated pants. If you aren’t aware of this, Josh Brown, the kicker for the Seattle Seahawks made it public that he was going to wear heated pants during their cold-weather game. I promise I won’t make fun of the guy, but one thing comes to mind

3. Football is almost over. College and NFL Football will be a distant memory soon.

2. Everytime I have to see Shawne Merriman do his lights out dance. Why is a grown-man doing that on the field? He looks as if he is going through a Niacin flush or just spazzing out. Has he forgotten that Maurice Jones Drew laid him out on a legal block? All 4′2 of MJD!!

1. The appearance that memorials are treated differently in the NFL. Everywhere you look during the playoffs, you will see the number 21 decal on the back of helmets. This unprecedented memorial is in remembrance of Sean Taylor.

While this is a remarkable gesture, what does this say about Darrent Williams, Damien Nash and Marquise Hill? Were their lives not as important to be remembered? I actually had the honor to meet Marquise and I remember him as a very down to earth and humble young man, especially to be one of few people that could say that he was a national champion at the collegiate and professional level.

The worst part about it is that the NFL set a horrible precedent when they threatened Jake Plummer with a substantial fine because he wanted to continue wearing the decal for his friend, Pat Tillman. What does this say about the NFL?

Die in a shooting, you get your number on a helmet. Die in Iraq, you get fined for wearing the number.

It isn’t even mandatory for all teams to wear number 21. The Chargers don’t wear the number. I guess they didn’t get the memo.

What’s right with the Playoffs?

The NFL Playoffs aren’t completely jacked. There are some really good things happening in the NFL during this time of year.

5. Cheerleaders. Self-explanatory…

4. Dennis Green beer commercials. Dennis Green laughing like an idiot makes my day

3. Tiki Barber’s face as he watches Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning make their way through the playoffs.

2. Close Games. So far, we haven’t seen any major blowouts especially with the number 1 seeded teams playing this weekend. The Jaguars stuck with the Patriots for a good percentage of the game. The Green Bay game was great. Brett Favre’s pass to Donald Lee was incredible. The Chargers game was what it was. Someone really needs to tell Philip Rivers to shut up. The Cowboys get to go home early again this year. Parcells can rejoice knowing the team didn’t go deep in the playoffs and Romo can get criticism again from the stupid media.

1. Perhaps the best (somewhat f’d up) comment that I have seen regarding the playoffs can be given to a post that I recently seen on a board. I will leave you with his inspiring words…

“A perfect end to the season would be Brett Favre handing the Pats their first loss on Feb 3rd. At least that’s how it’d go in the movies.

And then his dad would come back to life. As a time-traveling robot.

Go Packers!”

A Long Time Coming: Reggie Bush's Tarnished Heisman

Horsetoothed — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 10:17:26 -0500

“Dinner was being prepared three time zones away on the West Coast on December 10, 2005. Lloyd Lake was sitting in his television room with buddies at his home in Southern California, watching the Heisman Trophy presentation to his friend Reggie Bush. But it wasn’t a sight that Lake enjoyed as he shifted uncomfortably on the couch and muttered to himself. Actually, he couldn’t believe what he had seen and heard. About everything that Bush owned at that point, Lloyd Lake had helped pay for. And yet, as Bush was accepting college football’s most prestigious award and getting ready to play in the most important game of his career – the national championship against Texas in 25 days – Lake realized that Bush had turned on him.” - Don Yaeger and Jim Henry, Tarnished Heisman

http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/news?slug=ys-…

It was probably a year ago that I first found the reports and allegations on Yahoo.com that Reggie Bush had taken gifts/money. Upon first glimpse, it was a great read, but it was also around this time that the nation was still irrationally captivated with this mediocre/sub-average running back, so I figured nothing was going to come of it. Well, at least until Reggie Bush shit the bed once again this year.

When Reggie first came into the league, 99,999/100,000 people were on his nuts, saying he was going to be the best running back ever, the next Gayle Sayers, Bowie over Jordan (in reference to his draft position), etc. For a span of around six to seven months there, I thought I was the only person with any God damned common sense. People were losing their minds over a fucking nobody who was putting up pathetic game after pathetic game. Sometimes I wondered if everyone was actually watching the same shit I was…

On December 3rd, 2006, 13 weeks into Reggie’s first season, he finally had a big game (albeit against the 49ers…), and society simultaneously had to change their pants from the massive ejaculation they experienced (like he didn’t play horribly mediocre for 12 weeks before that). When Reggie had that big play against the Bears in the playoffs, nobody (including the dumbfuck refs on the field) called the illegal screen set up by Marcus Colston, making the whole play void… At the beginning of the next season, ESPN had Reggie listed as one of the top 5 backs in the NFL, I wanted to tear my fucking hair out cause this worthless fuck wasn’t even the best running back on his team. His game was so shitty that it was giving me pink eye, but everyone else just kept buying the hype…

Week 3 of this season, the one thing that could expose a lot the excuses put forth by Reggie Bush sympathizers happened. Deuce went down with a season ending injury, making Reggie the premiere back. It was time to put up or shut the fuck up, and Reg chose the latter, having a joyfully shitcrusted year, capped off by an injury. Gradually folks started to wake up and see the light. People all across the nation started saying to themselves, “Hey, this motherfucker right here isn’t even the 10th best back in the NFC…” As Reggie’s truth became more and more apparent to the dumbfuck masses, the more talk there was about him being on the take in college, and talks of possibly stripping him of his Heisman and invalidating USC’s wins during that span. It was no surprise that it was also around this time that Reggie shitcanned his agent.

You had better believe that in four days, I will be in front of a Barnes and Nobles with a huge ass shit-eating grin on when this book comes out. Depending on how thick it is, it may wind up getting crushed that same day. Any bad news for Reggie, is always great news for me. And with this, I’m out, enjoy your weekend fuckers.

Pete Carroll to the Atlanta Falcons? Just Imagine...

Horsetoothed — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 10:08:20 -0500

Get me the Tuna on the phone NOW!
You think I have a fucking clue how to run this show???

As I type this, I continue to pray that somehow the Falcons find a way to sign Pete Carroll. How fitting would it be to have him at the helm of the Atlanta Falcons… One can only dream.

Meet Pete Carroll… No not the one holding up the big glass football after stomping the pathetic Sooners. Not the one who toted that same trophy the glass football sits on, to each game the next year, setting it on the sidelines like some supreme asshole. We’re talking about the REAL Pete Carroll here.

Find me a coach of any mediocre high school team and I can show you someone who would be widely successful at USC. It doesn’t take a football genius to take a program that already has a name for itself and is in a location where the women are fucking ridiculously beautiful, and continue success. How hard is it to recruit when your bitches look like 10’s and you have a whole section of bleachers dedicated to your past greats? During games, you could take your little laminated sheet of plays, place a salamander on it and whatever play he crawls to at any given moment, you could run and still have a minimum of 10 wins a year.

Yes, I’m talking about the real Pete Carroll here. The one who got shit-canned from the Jets after just one year. The Pete who took a Bill Parcells built Patriots team and made them look like complete ass. HOW DO YOU FUCK UP A BILL PARCELLS TEAM? Look at Wade Phillips, he’s on the cusp of making a run at the Super Bowl with the team the Tuna built for him, and thats WADE FUCKING PHILLIPS. Wade is so fucking stupid that I’d have someone standing next to him at all times, reminding him to breathe so he doesn’t turn blue and pass out.

Please, for the love of all things hateful, let Pete Carroll sign with the Falcons. The time between when NBA season ends and NFL season starts is probably the most painful, as far as killing time at work goes, as baseball is fucking retarded, but the pure fact of knowing that Pete Carroll would be on the sidelines in Atlanta would have me giddy like a little greedy shitfaced kid before Christmas.

“Cause if you go platinum, it’s got nothing to do with luck, it just means that a million people are stupid as fuck…” - Immortal Technique

PS: flohtingPoint 23 - Amaysing 12