Bleacher Report - Articles by Chris Toy

Alan Shearer: He's Kind of a Big Deal

Chris Toy — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 23:20:53 -0400

If there’s one thing Newcastle and their fans love, its a good, solid unveiling.

Sure, even Damien Duff got one, but it’s probably a little more meaningful when its one of their seemingly endless supply of legendary players returning to save the club from one thing or another.

Unlike Keegan’s second appointment, Newcastle is actually in need of an all-motivational, no-tactics style of manager. Eight games is not going to be enough for a tactician to get going, but the fans will now have renewed energy and excitement and it’ll quickly translate to the players.

An absolute last throw of the dice, but for once I reckon Ashley has got it right.

I don’t think many people outside of St. James’ Park ever thought Alan Shearer was much of a managerial prospect for the long term, so ol’ Fat Mike is playing it smart by betting that he’ll get eight games worth of honeymoon period.

Just How Boring is International Week?

Chris Toy — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 09:43:16 -0400

International Week is boring as tits.

Well, tits aren’t really boring, so I guess that doesn’t make sense. But it’s really boring.

I’ve ceased to care about international football for a long time, other than the tournaments themselves, which continue to be breath-taking examples of sporting contests at their finest.

The friendlies and qualifiers, though? Utter garbage. Although, I suppose a necessary evil.

I’d rather they just make every match count. Playing friendlies is like practicing penalties—you may think it’s helping, but in reality, it’s nowhere near the same experience, and all those involved don’t really give a crap.

Oh and if you’re on Twitter, feel free to come say hi.

Stan Collymore vs The Spoiler

Chris Toy — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 23:28:52 -0400

So for those who didn’t listen, The Spoiler went on TalkSport with carpark sexfiend Stan Collymore last night.

Basically, the lads at TS had poked a bit of fun at Collymore's expense for talking up Niklas Bendtner as a top striker, despite evidence to the stark contrary (potential aside).

It was the sort of jibe I used to making a living out of when I started CaughtOffside, and it’s nowhere near the worst thing you’ll see written about players, managers, or pundits by bloggers hundreds of times a day.

But for whatever reason, Collymore took the bait and started giving some back to TS, to the point where he invited them to the show to talk to him directly. I mean this is akin to an actor trolling websites to find someone who didn’t like his movie, and then turning it into a public feud.

I don’t even know how Stan came across the original posts on TS, I can only assume he spends a large part of his day Googling his own name.

The actual radio segment was interesting to say the least. At first, I actually thought Stan was coming out on top. I think Ed from TS made the mistake of arguing the actual topic (whether Bendtner is any good), instead of simply pointing out how ridiculous and self-indulgent it was for Collymore to be making such a big fuss about an offhand comment on a website.

Luckily, Stan talked himself into a corner. He pulled the “i’m a footballer” card, the “I have 400,000 listeners therefore I’m the best" card, and had a go at The Spoiler’s content, which only served to expose himself as an utter n00b when it comes to navigating the modern internet environment.

He also read aloud a blurb from the TS article that said his show would be better if he would stop interrupting his guests—an accusation he refuted by, erm, continually interrupting his guest.

The bottom line is that Stan only has himself to blame for going from a ludicrously talented footballer to dogging enthusiast, and star of Basic Instinct 2. People tune into his station to be entertained by his antics, not because he’s the Rinus Michel of football pundits.

Going after a blog like he did, the way he did it, didn’t do him any favours. He’s opened Pandora’s Box now, because I’m guessing he’s going to get it in the arse from a lot more than just The Spoiler. The football bloggers are a tight community, and I think Stan may find plenty more to be upset about the next time he goes digging to find out what people are saying about him.

I’ll kick things off.

Want to go to an exclusive screening of the new Brian Clough film?

Chris Toy — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 12:03:42 -0400

Well today’s your lucky day! ITV got in touch and offered up a seat at the special screening of the Brian Clough biopic entitled, erm, “Clough”. The pre-release show is for journos and bloggers and while they probably wanted me to go myself I’d rather offer the opportunity to one of you as a “Thank you” for reading my little cartoons.

To earn the spot, all you have to do is sign up for the Studs Up newsletter (all that means is each new Studs Up is emailed to you every Mon/Wed/Fri) and I will be drawing the winner AT RANDOM at midnight tonight and emailing them.

Be sure to check your email in the morning and try to get back to me right away with whether you can make it or not, as I need to tell ITV who is attending by Thursday.

Details of the show are below, so make sure you are able to make it!

Date: Friday, Mar. 20
Venue: ITV, 200 Grays Inn Road, WC1X 8HF London
Time: 1 p.m.

PRESS:
This new documentary looks at the life and legacy of Brian Clough and speaks to those who knew him best. Narrated by Pete Postlethwaite, the program features exclusive interviews by Gabriel Clarke with Barbara and Nigel Clough along with friends and former colleagues including Geoffrey Boycott OBE, Martin O’Neill, Roy McFarland, John McGovern, Peter Lorimer, Johnny Giles and Gordon McQueen.

With unprecedented access to the ITV archive, this program features footage from The Big Match and Calendar as football’s first superstar manager is brought back to the screen once again.

Penalties Are Hilarious

Chris Toy — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:42:53 -0500

So, penalties in the Carling Cup Final proved a few things yet again:

Penalties are all about mental strength.
English players are bad at taking penalties.
Spurs players are bad at taking penalties.
English Spurs players are the penalty-taking equivalent of a peanut-butter and feces sandwich.
Ben Foster may have used an iPod to review penalty videos, but given what happened he could probably have just sat there making himself a peanut butter and feces sandwich, and won.

Gomes Delivers a Coup De Grace to Himself

Chris Toy — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:00:42 -0500

Heurelho Gomes started the season like a clown, then clawed his way back with some great performances, then got replaced by Carlo Cudicini while recovering from a variety of injuries. Returning in Spurs match against Shaktar, it seemed like a perfect opportunity for him to start with a clean slate.

Then he shat on said slate. He came out and horribly missed a cross, although he had little option after his defense completely abandoned their defensive assignments to allow a gaggle of Shaktar players run free. Worse, the Spurs fans have now turned on him and apparently believe he faked an injury right after his gaff in order to draw attention away from his mistake and drum up some sympathy instead.

Tough crowd.

Bendtner talks slightly less nonsense

Chris Toy — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 07:42:01 -0500

SU reader Neal sent me a link to a Vital Arsenal article which prints the actual quotes Nicklas Bendtner gave to the Danish paper, before the folks at the Mirror did their magic to it. They are, unsurprisingly, quite tame.

Personally, I enjoy indulging the tabloids. Of course, I don’t take it seriously, and if you do then you’re a bit of a saddo. But I love football because of the drama, banter and hilarity that ensues off the pitch as much as the actual sport itself, and the rags like the Sun and Daily Mail do a great job of bringing that to the fore.

I also read the ‘proper’ publications like the Guardian, Times, etc. in equal measure and I find the most satisfying football experience for me is consuming a healthy balance of both.

As for Nicky B., well, if you don’t want to get misquoted, then don’t talk to the papers. Harsh, but that’s the reality of being a Premier League player.

Studs Up: A Soccer Comic

Chris Toy — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 10:08:46 -0500

Three times a week I channel my energy and soccer-induced dementia into a new Studs Up comic. The comic is already extremely popular with fans all over the world, probably because soccer is one of those sports that is inherently rife with off-pitch drama and comedy. So if you like soccer, I hope you enjoy Studs Up. This slideshow are 10 of my own favorite Studs Up comics so far. Visit www.studs-up.com for more.

Begin Slideshow

The Progression of Kaka's Negotiations with Manchester City

Chris Toy — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 20:26:35 -0500

For more football comics, check out Studs Up.

The Premier League Transfer Window is Shaping Up To Be One For The Ages

Chris Toy — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 03:00:27 -0400

I'm not easily shaken, so it's odd that I find myself a bit unprepared by just how dramatic these transfer rumours have been. With money coming into a bunch of the mid-table clubs, we’re going to see some massive squad shakeups this summer.

Obviously, Tottenham are going to be the story of the summer for the Chelsea-like turnover of players they look likely to go through. If Keane, Berbatov, Chimbonda, Kaboul, Tainio, and Malbranque all leave as seems incredibly likely, they would have something between 50-70 million extra in the kitty.

Whether they decide to reinvest all of it is another question, after all we don’t know if Daniel Levy et al wanted to sell to pay for Modric and Dos Santos in the first place. But as far as transitional seasons go, this one got explosive for Spurs in a hurry.

Frank Lampard’s gone on tour with Chelsea but Didier Drogba hasn’t, even though Mourinho has given up on Frank until next year I think Droggers is still on the cards. The big question is whether he goes to Barcelona, thus releasing Eto’o for transfer and kicking off a huge merry-go-round of signings.

In other news, one of my favourite players—wee Joao Moutinho from Sporting Lisbon—is rumoured to be a target for Everton. I think it’s a perfect place for him to play.

He’s small, but Moyes has built a team designed to put workhorses around a select few creative players. Moutinho would get plenty of protection to do his thing just as Arteta does, and it would alleviate the reliance on the Spaniard. Two thumbs up for me.

I’m also really hoping Sergio Aguero makes his way over. For some reason I feel like he’s the kind of player who would make a surprise stop at one of the nouveau riche clubs like Manchester City or Portsmouth. The big four probably won’t want to take a gamble on him, but his advisers will have seen what a one-season move to a smaller club can do—aka the Tevezcherano effect.

So keep the eyes and ears open, the tea ladies and ritualistic shaman will be out in force until August 31.

Manchester United Signing Tottenham's Berbatov Might Just Be Good For Everyone

Chris Toy — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 03:15:16 -0400

Hooray, finally some real transfer rumours.

It looks like Spurs are finally going to sell Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United, with Fergie being less than subtle about the bid and verging on cocky about the club’s chances of securing the Bulgarian.

It’s a shame for Tottenham, to lose your best and most creative player at a time when the Ramos Revolution looked to be in full force with some big early summer signings. If Keane buggers off to Liverpool, suddenly its a case of one step forward, and anywhere from one to 1000 steps back.

But for the doomsayers, there is still reason to be hopeful. The massive clearouts at Spurs means that Ramos will be able to secure the players he really thinks will make his favoured tactical system tick rather than hoping that the incumbents would be able to do the business. Flying wing play and two good box strikers are usually the order of the day, and Spurs definitely needed a shake up to get the right men in for that.

I wouldn't at all be surprised to see them go with a 4-2-3-1 though if they can’t replace everyone in time.

The good news is that Darren Bent is a very good player as a lone runner up front. He's got pace to work the channels, his hold-up play is vastly underrated and of course he's a clinical finisher.

Even though many Spurs fans thought Bent looked out of sorts in a more thoughtful system as part of a striker pairing, he actually had a fantastic goals/assists-to-minutes ratio. If he gets a proper chance over a full season, I have no doubt he will manage more league goals than either Keane or Berbs managed at White Hart lane.

United obviously will have themselves one heck of a player. Berbatov is definitely in the Cantona mold in terms of his potential, attitude, and playing style so it's no wonder that Fergie is so high on him.

If he can find the key to getting Berbs to play to his full ability week-in and week-out, then I think he’ll easily have the same impact as Cantona and probably be able to play well into his 30s in a Sheringham-type capacity.

If Spurs can take the money and turn it into two signings who fit right into Ramos’ system, then this could be a case of both clubs coming out stronger at the end of things.

Tottenham's Fee For John Bostock Is All Fair and Square

Chris Toy — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 06:09:44 -0400

It always amuses me when Simon Jordan gets in a tizzy about something, because it’s normally something that the Crystal Palace chairman is blowing way out of proportion for the sake of comic relief. It’s also highly entertaining to see how much effort he puts into looking like Fabio's ugly brother.

His latest crusade is the unfairness that is the transfer tribunal, who recently determined that Tottenham could signed extremely talented 16 year old John Bostock for just 700K up front, rising to potentially around 1.25 million pounds. Jordan’s gripe is that Bostock could be a world-class player in his career and so they should be due more, at least in the form of clauses for future achievements.

What utter, utter bollocks. The 700k alone reimburses Palace for the investment they have put into Bostock in terms of costs to train him the past few years, and if the fee rises to 1.25 million they will have made a significant profit. Bostock is 16, made 4 appearances for Crystal Palace and scored zero goals.

They have no legal right to the player, and the tribunal is simply there to reimburse developmental costs. It's harsh, but so is a player walking out on a free at the end of their contract or Gareth Barry demanding to go to Liverpool.

That's the way the sport works.

He hasn’t lit up the Championship let alone the Premier League, he hasn’t chipped in with important goals. He’s done nothing for Palace. So, if he joins Spurs and in 5 years, time becomes a Premier League star, why would Palace be due any kind of compensation for that?

This development would have been down to Juande Ramos and his coaching staff and very little to do with whatever Bostock learned playing for Palace’s junior sides. I understand the need to compensate clubs for young talent to avoid bigger clubs poaching them all, but that’s what the tribunal has done based on the only hard evidence they have of his ability in the top flight - which is very, very little.

If Bostock turns out to be the next Nii Lamptey, will Palace have to pay the money back? Nope, they leave that risk to Spurs, so they shouldn’t be compensated if he becomes the next Rooney either.

Chelsea Boss Phil Scolari Breezes Past His First Test

Chris Toy — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 09:08:00 -0400

Phil Scolari gave his first Chelsea press conference, and like Mourinho before him and completely unlike Avram Grant - he had the media in his pocket from the start. I have a feeling that the press will be falling over each other in order to build Scolari into the new power player amongst Premier League managers.

He has a reputation that far exceeds his actual club achievements in major European leagues (i.e. none) and the journos will lap it up. Any opportunity to use ‘Big Phil’ in ridiculous, pun-riddled headlines will be snapped up in a flash.

I hope he does well, as more competition always makes for a better league. I also hope that Chelsea has a clear out of Mourinho’s trophy-winning stars like Lampard, Drogba, and Makelele. As much as I like seeing those guys play, they are chief architects in the club’s pragmatic but effective style of football.

So well trained in Mourinho’s arts of the 1-0, their influence meant that Chelsea looked the same side under Grant as they did Jose. If they swap them for some more dynamic and exciting players then Roman, and we might see the football that a topside need to be playing to win over the neutrals.

Most clubs have also begun their pre-season, and I’m already feeling a bit of the excitement ahead of the new season. Some nice new faces have already been brought to English shores, and there’s no doubt that a lot of money is going to be spent between now and the end of August.

We’ve seen an ever-so-slight increase in parity in the top flight the last couple of years as money has flooded into the second tier teams thanks to a few billionaires with some spare time.

With any luck, Liverpool or Arsenal might slip up this year and someone else pips them to 4th. Then we’d have a real sport on our hands.

Liverpool and Tottenham rejects set to light up the Premier League in 08/09

Chris Toy — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 08:14:53 -0400

In other news, Freaky McLankeypants is on his way to Portsmouth it seems, which will allow Liverpool to finally stop pissing off Aston Villa with tight arse bids for Gareth Barry.

Things are shaping up nicely for Pompey as Peter Crouch will provide perfect foil for Jermain Defoe. I’ve really little doubt that the two will get along like peas in a pod, and if they stay healthy they should fire Harry’s men into the UEFA cup spots with ease.

It’s a perfect situation. Both players have scored goals when given the chance. Both players have been frustrated by not getting the respect they believe their ability and performances have deserved. Both players have proven they can play together, at least when England batter random countries in international play.

Defoe played very well off Freddie Kanoute at West Ham and Tottenham when the latter was holding the ball up and providing link up play, and Crouch will provide a similar outlet.

In other news, Arsene Wenger followed up his plan for global domination by admitting that Arsenal’s transfer plan is to replace expensive players with cheaper ones. Hmm.

The transfer debt is apparently the cause, so perhaps while we all thought Wenger loved to develop young talent out of preference—perhaps he’s simply been making the best out of a rather annoying situation?

It does speak volumes about his affection and devotion to Arsenal that he’s willing to work under such constraints in order to create a stronger long term future for the club—especially as at this rate he is missing out on a lot of personal achievements by allowing the club to shackle him so much.

He could have easily have fought the club on the stadium, demanding that the money be put towards team building that would allow him to win more in the short term but leave them in a worse position when he eventually packs it in.

So for those fans who may be upset about the position the Gunners find themselves in—consider yourself lucky.

At Least The Gareth Barry Saga Is Keeping Us Awake

Chris Toy — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 04:55:03 -0400

In lieu of any remotely interesting stories, Gareth Barry, up until now was one of the least controversial or newsworthy footballers of all time. But he has really got the pot stirring this summer.

He’s already banned from training after publicly making fun of Martin O’Neill for prioritising Euro 2008 pundit duties over trying to convince his captain to stay.

But now it seems that Liverpool and Aston Villa still can’t agree on a price. One would assume that this is a mere detail and its only a matter of time, but what if it isn’t? What if Liverpool and Villa simply can’t agree over a few million euros and Rafa takes his money elsewhere (keep your mobiles on, mediocre-Spanish-players!).

It’s hard to imagine O’Neill and Barry patching things up, and the fans have probably gone through the three stages of player departure: Denial, Acceptance, and telling everyone that he’s shit and the club doesn’t need scum like him anyway.

So while it looked like Manchester United were going to be the ones playing hardball with Real Madrid, threatening to leave Cristiano Ronaldo in the reserves rather than sell him, it could be Barry and Villa that find themselves in a lose-lose situation.

More than likely of course, Liverpool will just chuck in Peter Crouch and a bag of chips and everyone will be happy.

In other news, Arsene Wenger has said that if Arsenal can improve their points total from last season then “what will follow naturally is domination.”

Erm, ok. Maybe he’s being a tad hyperbolic, but I’m not sure he should be talking about dominating the league when virtually every noise this summer has been about him losing key players who are tired of low(er) wages and not winning anything.

Aston Villa Fans Must Love Them Some Gareth Barry

Chris Toy — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 03:24:33 -0400

So the big news, sort of, is that Gareth Barry has turned out to be the first ‘Villain‘ (get it? ha ha ha) of the Premier League transfer window. After giving the News Of The World their first actual, not-made-up transfer scoop in, well, maybe ever, the Aston Villa captain has been disciplined and barred from preseason training until the saga is sorted.

Barry in a Liverpool shirt is a matter of time, it seems. The fans probably aren’t pleased about how this has turned out; the situation probably could only be worse if he was buggering off to Birmingham or something.

I think it’ll make for an interesting midfield for Liverpool. They’re not going to get any more exciting with this move, but Barry’s arrival means Steven Gerrard is probably going to be pushed higher up the pitch in support of ol’ Fernando Torres and given the freedom to cause havoc basically wherever he wants. Mascherano and Barry will protect the back four nicely.

Or, Rafa will go mental and start sticking Barry out on the left wing or at left back and end up with basically exactly the same team as he has had previously. Hmm, for some reason that sounds like exactly what might happen.

Manchester City have wrapped up the Jo, who along with Wagner Love put CSKA on the European map. I think he’ll be quite good, just because anyone who plays along a striker with the work rate and running of Benjani is probably going to find a lot of space and holes in the defense to exploit.

I’m pleased to see clubs making some moves early, I really can’t stand it when everyone is just sitting on their thumbs waiting for the final day to get the best possible prices.

I think clubs are realizing that the competitiveness of the teams and the increase in spending parity spreading throughout the league means that there is a benefit in acting sooner rather than later, even if it means paying a million quid or two extra.

Premier League Transfer Window Circus Kicks off in Full Force

Chris Toy — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 09:02:21 -0400

The Premier League transfer window now has as much comic value as it does genuine football relevancy as clubs swing wildly from financial prudence to desperate attempts to make next season count.

Anyone who follows message boards knows that the tabloid press are now pulling many of their rumours from blogs and forums, who in turn post them up as news. It’s a all a rather vicious cycle.

Tottenham have started well, but with news that Robbie Keane, Dimitar Berbatov, and Darren Bent could all be off to Liverpool, Manchester United, and Celtic/Sunderland, respectively means that there is a teeny weeny bit of a doubt up front.

Of course, I’m still doubtful about whether Berbatov is going anywhere considering Spurs won’t want to sell their best player to Sir Alex for a second time.

Until Drogba, Eto’o, and David Villa sort out their futures, it’s unlikely any of the big clubs will make a move for Berbatov.

Manchester City fans should be rather worried, too. Thaksin is showing all the long term planning of a hairy walnut. He sacked Sven for not producing who knows what in his first season and has probably given Mark Hughes a similar leash.

The spending on transfer fees and wages will be massive, but you get the sense that the former Thai PM wants instant success or else he’s going to forget the whole thing.

It worked out for Chelsea and Roman Abramovich, who already had a strong base to work from, but in the case of Man City it’s much less nailed on that they will be title challengers next season. It all points to Thaksin bailing out on City with a massive wage cap and on the verge of doing a Leeds.

Personally I’m hoping for a few nice additions to the Premier League. Ronaldinho would add a hilarious twist now that he’s fat. David Villa might be more likely than some people think considering I don’t see him going to Serie A, and no doubt Fernando Torres has been telling him just how easy it is to score against teams in England.

I also think Lucas Podolski will make his way to one of the teams that have more money than sense.

Silly season begins, and I can’t wait to see what unfurls.

Euro 2008: Fernando Torres' Defensive Impact Leads Spain Past Germany

Chris Toy — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 15:31:15 -0400

So it’s all over, which admittedly is a bit annoying, as I was really getting into Euro 2008.

It’s definitely been one of the better tournaments I can remember, largely in part to Turkey providing the best drama we’ve seen in ages. However, I still think the final would have been better had Croatia, Portugal, or Holland been involved instead of Germany.

Just like in 2002, the Germans got to the last day simply by getting results rather than playing inspirational football. It’s not like we weren’t expecting them to do well, it’s just that you didn’t really notice them while they were on their way. It was sort of “Oh look, it’s Germany in the final.”

As a spectacle, the final wasn’t that great, but that was largely in part to Fernando Torres. Germany played with a relatively narrow midfield, as both Lucas Podolski and Bastian Schweinsteiger like to cut in, while the width and the attacking verve often came from the adventurous play of fullbacks Philip Lahm and Jansen.

But, with Torres thoroughly exploiting Germany’s two lumbering ogres masquerading as center halves, the fullbacks had to think twice about bombing up and leaving either of the channels open for Torres to break into on the counter.

It’s rare that a striker can impact attack and defense so greatly, but a combination of Torres’ pace, power, and work rate, and a horribly mismatched German central defense made it happen.