Bleacher Report - Articles by Jon Sladek

Highlights From Shapiro Roast

Jon Sladek — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:10:47 -0400

With a tidal wave of negative press following the Cliff Lee trade, the Cleveland Indians decided to hold a roast of general manager Mark Shapiro at the downtown Marriot Hotel Thursday night in an attempt to ease some of the tension surrounding the organization with humor. Shapiro graciously agreed to take part in the roast featuring several local celebrities. Below are transcribed highlights from tonight's event.

Indians radio play-by-play man Tom Hamilton served as master of ceremonies for the roast and opened with some early jabs at the club's top decision-maker.

HAMILTON: They told me I was going to be hosting tonight, my first thought was, 'as long as I'm not traded by then.'

Earlier today, Mark asked me what I thought about the team's chances next season without Cliff Lee. I told him the chance of contending was Awaaaaaay back...GONE! (crowd applauds and John Adams bangs the drum).

DREW CAREY: I thought about extending Mark an invitation to appear on our show but quickly reconsidered because with this guy, the price is NEVER right!

I remember when Mark became the GM and promised us we would be contenders in 2-3 years, then again 2-3 years later, and once 2-3 years after that. (crowd laughs and applauds loudly as Shapiro's face turns red)

TONY RIZZO: Wow, they told me I was following Drew Carey and I said, 'WHAT BRO?!'

Hey, seriously I like Mark a lot; great guy, just not the way Mark like Eric Wedge if you know what I mean, YOW! (Shapiro shifts uncomfortably in his seat)

BRUCE DRENNAN: Marky, Marky, Marky. (Shakes head while looking at Shapiro as crowd giggles) I'd tell ya the Cleveland fans will forgive you for trading a Cy Young Award winner with a year and a half left on his contract, but I wouldn't bet on that if I were you! (crowd erupts in laughter)

ANDY MARTE: When Mark acquired me from the Red Sox organization he touted me as a rare can't-miss talent. Well, I missed! (crowd gives loudest laugh of the night.)

GRADY SIZEMORE: Ricky Gutierrez, Josh Barfield, Billy Traber, Jeremy Sowers, Jason Michaels, David Dellucci - and people say I swing and miss a lot?!

JON SLADEK: Hey Mark, when I was at Faulkner University you know what we called guys from Princeton? (Shapiro shakes head no) Nothing, because I hate you for ruining my baseball team! (Security ushers Sladek off the podium)

Despite the late unpleasantness, Tribe owner Larry Dolan dubbed the Shapiro Roast a success. Indians beat writer Paul Hoynes summed up the night by quipping, "That would be the first success this franchise has enjoyed in about three years."

Line Between WWE and MLB Blurs In Indians Clubhouse

Jon Sladek — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:02:46 -0400

Reporters are still reeling from the chaos that ensued in the visiting manager's office at Wrigley Field Saturday.

Indians skipper Eric Wedge was attempting to field questions about Kerry Wood's second blown save in as many days against his former team when he was overwhelmed by the Guns N' Roses song "Welcome to the Jungle," also Wood's entrance music at Progressive Field.

Suddenly Wood came charging into the office holding a steel chair and cracked Wedge over the back of the head. As the Tribe manager crumpled to the ground, Wood triumphantly pounced on top of the manager's desk and dramatically ripped off his Indians jersey to reveal a Cubs jersey.

Wood, pointing his finger at Wedge then hollered, "You mess with the Cubs you get the bear baby!"

"I tried to ask Kerry what he was doing, but he just told me to call him 'Mr. Wood'," said Indians beat writer Paul Hoynes. "Also, he kept calling me 'Mean Gene'?"

As the chaotic scene unfolded, one Indian attempted to come to Wedge's aid. Noted wrestling fan Travis Hafner grabbed for a bat before feeling a 'snap' in his shoulder and hobbled off towards the trainer's office yelling, "Ow, ow, ow!"

As of last night, Wood's whereabouts were unknown, but he was seen getting into a limousine being driven by Cubs legend Ryne Sandberg.

Naming Kerry Wood's Slider

Jon Sladek — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 09:27:31 -0400

Great people often do great things. Fortunately for the rest of us, even those in the mediocre majority can enjoy flashes of greatness.

I had such a moment while watching Kerry Wood pitch Sunday.

I was talking to a buddy on the phone, complaining about Wood's penchant for falling in love with his fastball (sometimes hittable) and forgetting to mix in the slider (usually unhittable).

Simply put, the slider is nasty.

So he got a hitter into a two-strike count and right after I pleaded for the slider, he tossed it over the plate, freezing the hitter for the third strike. Elated, I shouted, "There's the widowmaker!"

And there you have it. Kerry Wood's slider has its nickname, the Widowmaker.

So when you hear Rick Manning talking about Kerry Wood's Widowmaker in a few weeks, remember, you heard it here first!

Do baseball seasons ever go as planned?

The Indians just took 2-of-3 from the White Sox with Grady Sizemore, Asdrubal Cabrera, Rafael Betancourt, and Aaron Laffey on the disabled list and Fausto Carmona having been sent to Arizona to presumably toil in a Joe Arpaio prison camp.

I refuse to give up on these guys. Does that make me the pitiful 15-year-old girl waiting by the phone for the disinterested boy to call? Yes. Do I care? No.

Before I present my case for Tribe optimism, I have to ask if anybody knows what is going on with Kelly Shoppach and his facial hair? I mean, when this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor!

Seriously, the Indians have done a terrific job of creating a family-friendly environment at the ballpark. Its much more appropriate for kids than the drunken prison yard the Browns play in.

But as a concerned fan, I don't want my backup catcher working in dirty movies as a side gig. If the Tribe needs to pay him more money, sobeit!

The Tribe has been playing decent ball lately. They still play sloppy and leave runners in scoring position way too often, but they remain within striking distance in an AL Central division that is begging them to make a run.

Best of all, help is on the way:

- Jake Westbrook tossed three scoreless innings in his first rehab start in Akron. Having Jake anywhere near his past form for the last two months would be quite a boost.

- Joe Smith has thrown the ball well in Columbus and looks ready to help an already-improved bullpen.

- Asdrubal's shoulder injury wasn't season-ending and he should be back in a few weeks.

- Rafael Betancourt's injury was not arm-related and he will only miss a few weeks.

It is shaping up that the Tribe will be a much stronger team by the All-Star Break as they whittle down their bloated disabled list.

The team seems to be on the brink of a winning streak, but just hasn't been able to gain full momentum yet.

Don't give up just yet on the 2009 season. Unlike the NFL, there is no real prize to be had for losing a lot of games in baseball as the draft is so hit or miss and lasts approximately 560 rounds.

The Tribe is playing fairly well in the division. Continue that, and we might have interesting baseball in September after all.

Lions' Stafford Selection Bewilders Daunte Culpepper (Humor)

Jon Sladek — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:18:39 -0400

Lions quarterback Daunte Culpepper feels blindsided.

Like millions of other Americans, Culpepper settled on his couch last weekend to watch the broadcast of the NFL Draft from New York City. The 32-year-old signal-caller was eager to see which blue-chip athlete he would be welcoming as his new teammate.

The anticipation reached climax as commissioner Roger Goodell stepped to the podium to announce the first pick.

The Detroit Lions select Mathew Stafford, University of Georgia.

"I was like, 'ummm, ok?'" Culpepper recalled. "I figured there was some sort of mix-up."

It was no mistake. The Lions were now committed to the young gunslinger for their foreseeable future.

"I was under the impression I was the man here." Culpepper added. "After I torched the Vikings last year, I kinda had the impression I was their man."

Culpepper was referring to the Lions' week-14 contest with Minnesota in which the quarterback finished 14-for-24 for 220 yards in a 20-16 Detroit loss.

When asked about Culpepper's future with the team, new Lions coach Jim Schwartz did some tap-dancing that would have made Gene Kelly envious.

"Culpepper, oh how should I put this," he said. "You know how in Hollywood they use a stunt double to take the place of the real actor? Well, think of Daunte as our 'stunt double.'"

"It is just puzzling," Culpepper said. "Of all the positions on this football team, quarterback is the one where we were already so strong."

"With this new guy in here, How am I supposed to get my roll on?" he added, referring to the touchdown celebration he made popular while with the Vikings.

Blast from the Past: Revisiting Column from 2006

Jon Sladek — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 08:50:32 -0400

I hate to toot my own horn, but I have discovered recently, if I don't, NOBODY will. So here is a blog post from my Web site from 2006. Now I don't want a flood of emails from individuals asking for career and/or relationship advice.

I was a little off on the personnel (especially Dontrelle Willis, but who knew?). But I saw the Marlins' 2009 success coming a mile away.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Florida Marlins: 2009 World Champs

The Florida Marlins have it all figured out.

Laugh if you must. But if you can get passed the awful record and microscopic payroll, please realize the Marlins are right on schedule.

I have these tricky Marlins all figured out. While large market giants like the Yankees and Red Sox continue to shell out hundreds of millions of dollars in payroll each year, only to fail to accomplish the ultimate goal more often than not.

The Marlins stay steady to their organizational plan—compete for a championship every six years.

If you remember back in 1997, the Marlins defeated the Indians in the World Series with a roster that was completely loaded with talent. On the mound they featured Kevin Brown, Al Leiter, Livan Hernandez and Robb Nen.

In their everyday lineup they sent out studs like Gary Sheffield, Moises Alou, Edgar Renteria, Bobby Bonilla, Jeff Conine and Devon White. Almost reads like an all-star team.

After the ’97 title, the Marlins promptly gutted the team. By Opening Day 1999, only Hernandez and Renteria remained from the aforementioned group. Those two would be shipped out that season.

The same grumblings could be heard then that we hear now. How the Marlins bought a championship. How they are cheating the fans and rumors of moving the franchise were rampant.

Then came 2003.

With a new stockpile of young talent including Josh Beckett and Juan Pierre, mixed with a few veteran acquisitions, the Marlins were once again crowned World Champs. It was the second time in the franchise’s 10-year existence. At the time, they had accomplished twice in a decade what the big-money Red Sox had been striving for all of 86 years.

After 2003, the same thing.

Gone are Beckett, Brad Penny, Ivan Rodriguez, Derrek Lee and Pierre. But in their place is yet another impressive core of young talent. Guys like the dynamic 22-year-old Hanley Ramirez, who is hitting .331 while playing a solid shortstop.

Second basemen Dan Uggla, 26, is hitting .312 and center fielder Reggie Abercrombie has displayed outstanding speed and athleticism.

On the mound, the Marlins have nine pitchers aged 24 or younger. Leading the way is Dontrelle Willis, one of the few holdovers from the 2003 squad. Another holdover is all-star Miguel Cabrera; himself only 23.

Had the Marlins hung onto the five players just mentioned from the 2003 team, Beckett, Penny, Pudge, Lee and Pierre, they would be paying them a combined $35.3 million based on their 2006 salaries.

As it is, the Marlins total payroll is a hair under $15 million for the entire roster, and while the won-loss record doesn’t show it yet, they are getting better.

So laugh at the Marlins now. Crack jokes about their payroll or place in the standings. But remember, this franchise is designed to strike every six years. Dontrelle Willis will be 27 when he starts game one of the 2009 World Series.

The baseball world has anointed teams like the Oakland Athletics and Minnesota Twins as prototypes for small-market success, yet I don’t see those two with any recent titles.

Maybe the Marlins didn’t invent sabermetrics, but their method, as unconventional as it is, is netting rings; and is that not, after all, the ultimate goal?

The Incredibly Inefficient Indians

Jon Sladek — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 09:22:29 -0400

The formula for success in Major League Baseball is no secret.

Good pitching + timely hitting = victories.

Every team knows it, though some have more resources to perfect it.

The 2009 Cleveland Indians, however, have gone a different direction.

Atrocious pitching + alarmingly unclutch hitting = infuriating losses.

Why the Tribe seems to relish antagonizing it's own fans is anybody's guess. A couple more weeks of the type of baseball we have seen so far and I may end up sitting on a cold table with a doctor telling me, "If I could get you to lay off the baseball for a while we might get that blood pressure back in a safer range."

Going into the season, we knew the starting rotation would be the team's weakness. The optimist in us hoped a revamped bullpen and potent lineup could compensate. The bullpen has been pretty good. The hitting has let them down.

Here's the funny part: talent-wise, the lineup is as good as any in baseball.

Yes I said it.

The Indians constantly have runners on base. That isn't the problem.

When RBI opportunities arise, they suddenly become Miss Teen South Carolina (U.S. Americans) and an eighth-grade boy on his first date rolled into one.

Monday night was the worst example yet.

Having already blown a bases-loaded one out chance and a second-and-third with no out opportunity earlier in the game, the Tribe, amazingly, was still in the game trailing the Royals 4-0 in the ninth.

The first two batters single. Kansas City manager Trey Hillman immediately summons dominant closer Joakim Soria. Undaunted, both Grady Sizemore and Shin-Soo Choo also single making the score 4-1 and loading the bases—still no out.

Now the Indians have the meat of the order; Vic Martinez, Travis Hafner and Jhonny Peralta coming up. Perfect scenario for a comeback right?

Soria uncorks a wild pitch to Martinez, its a 4-2 ballgame with runners on second and third, still no out.

There is no freaking way they don't tie this game right? All they need is sacrifice flies from their three- and four-hitters.

Wrong!

After casually watching two Soria fastballs go breezing passed like they were pretty girls in the mall, Victor strikes out on a comically slow curveball. One down.

Next is Hafner. Also watching a fastball right down the pipe, Hafner then blasts one about six feet in front of the plate. Two down.

Finally its Peralta's turn. By now the Royals fans are in a frenzy, they know whats coming just as much as we do.

Two-strike curveball seems to giggle at Peralta as it settles right over the plate for a called third strike. Game over.

It was the 11th strikeout of the game for the Tribe hitters.

After Monday, the Indians had a strikeout to plate appearance ratio of 24 percent. The league average is 18 percent.

ESPN and the Elias Sports Bureau created a stat called "productive out." It basically means if you have a runner on base with less than two outs, you move the runner along if you get out.

The league average for productive outs is 30 percent, the Indians productive out percentage is an embarrassing 14 percent, less than half the league average.

When a major league baseball team advances a runner to third base with less than two outs, there is little excuse to leave the man stranded any more than half the time. In fact, the league average for scoring that man is 50 percent. The pathetically inefficient Indians have scored just four of the 14 runners in that situation for a sad 29 percent.

The numbers don't lie, especially the ones in the standings. The Eric Wedge era has been plagued with poor fundamental baseball. Unlike the last two seasons, there is not going to be a Cy Young Award-winning pitcher to mask the problem.

The Indians can pull the small market card all they want. But when the talent on the roster matches that of any other team in baseball, people start to get antsy.

The amazing ALCS run in 2007, mostly fueled by 19-game winners C.C. Sabathia and Fausto Carmona, bought Tribe brain trust a honeymoon period. Last season's tank job evened things out.

With a dire economy and LeBron's legend unfolding merely a couple hundred feet away, the Indians cannot afford to be the worst fundamental team in baseball, in the standings or owner Larry Dolan's bank account.

No Day But Today For LeBron, Cavaliers

Jon Sladek — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 18:57:08 -0400

“I don’t know how you can say that.”

Recently a co-worker disagreed with my assertion the Cavaliers entire season will be a waste should it not culminate in a championship.

He’s not the only one in town who feels that way.

The word “unbelievable” gets thrown around a lot in sports. Most things aren’t actually unable to be believed.

To watch this team in this city, however, is quite a surreal experience. The Cavs began playing basketball in 1970; six years after the Browns won what was called the NFL Championship and 45 years later, Cleveland fans are still waiting for another title of any form.

The history has been rehashed ad nauseam:

“The Drive”

“The Fumble”

“The Shot”

“Game 7”

Just a dizzying array of heartbreak, each more scarring than the last. But this year’s Cavaliers are winning, and winning at an astonishing rate.

First it was a hot start. Then 10 games over .500, then 20 and 30.

As it stands, they are poised to finish with one of the top 10 regular season win totals in NBA history.

They are on pace to surpass the 65-win plateau. In the history of the NBA, only 13 teams have accomplished that feat.

These things don’t happen in Cleveland. At least not very often.

The last team to dominate in such a fashion was the 1995 Indians, who finished 100-44 in the strike-shortened season.

The harsh reality Cleveland sports fans should know is a championship is never, I mean NEVER a guarantee. Those Indians, seemingly unbeatable, with a lineup that included Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome, Albert Belle and Kenny Lofton could not get it done.

Fans like my co-worker were upbeat at the time. They claimed we would have plenty more chances, after all, they said, “This team will be around for a while.”

Fourteen years later the Indians still haven’t won a title since 1948.

Nobody can say what the future holds for the Cavaliers after this season. Zydrunas Ilgauskas has been playing on borrowed time for a few years. LeBron may only have one more season in Cleveland. Anderson Varejao may become too pricey to fit into the Cavaliers budget.

It wasn’t too long ago the Orlando Magic had two young cornerstones named Shaquille O’Neal and Penny Hardaway. It was only a matter of time before they started collecting championship banners. We all know how that turned out.

If the Cavs are going to win an NBA title it has to be now.

Remember those 13 teams in NBA history that have won 65 or more games in a season? Only two of them (2006-07 Mavericks and 1972-72 Celtics) failed to win a championship.

When I was a kid I never imagined I could live my entire life without witnessing one of my home teams winning the big one. It’s amazing how a couple decades of futility, heartbreak and near-misses can alter your perspective.

My father made an ominous statement the other day, “If I knew when the Browns won the last championship at 14 years old that it would be the last of my lifetime, I would have paid more attention.”

The Cavaliers have an opportunity to prove him wrong this summer.

Either that or add another painful chapter to the misery archives.

Steelers Title Should Not Devastate Browns Fans.

Jon Sladek — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:35:10 -0500

This might sound comical to anyone living outside the greater Cleveland area, but there are some Clevelanders who actually still consider the Pittsburgh Steelers a rival to our perennially underachieving Browns.

Before you get angry Browns fans, understand two things:

1. I am a Browns fan and

2. this isn’t a “Bitter Browns fan upset we can’t beat the Steelers” piece.

Continuing to persist under the rivalry delusion only sets Browns’ fans up for perpetual disappointment. Why you ask?

Simply because the Pittsburgh Steelers are great, period. They are arguably the best franchise in sports. Consider this coming from a Browns fan of 22 years, and you can appreciate the gravity of that statement.

Only three men have held the title of head coach of the Steelers since 1969. All three have career winning records and all three have won at least one Super Bowl.

The Steelers have suffered just four losing seasons in the last 20. They have a blueprint for success and it remains as effective as any other modern-era sports franchise.

The Steelers have also owned the Browns as if they purchased them on Ebay. The Browns are just 6-31 at Pittsburgh since 1970. The Steelers are 9-1 at Cleveland Browns Stadium, or as they like to call it, “Home Away From Home.” The last time the Browns defeated Pittsburgh in Cleveland, Bill Clinton was the president. Ponder that for a second.

I’m not trying to pile on the inordinate amount of pain football fans in Cleveland have already experienced. But as long as we continue to view the Steelers as an equal, or rival, we will continue to set ourselves up for failure.

The goal of any Browns fan, at this point, should be to see them appear in a Super Bowl before death. An idea that seemed silly when I was 20 years old, but not so much at 30.

As much as I dislike the boys in black and gold, I am admittedly jealous of what they have accomplished. Pittsburgh is just two hours east of Cleveland. The two cities share many similarities and the histories of the northern industrial towns parallel each other.

Another glaring similarity is the fan bases of the two franchises. Both passionate, both dedicated and both fiercely loyal.

The drastic difference is the fans from Pittsburgh are consistently rewarded with victories, championships and first rate management and ownership. Fans from Cleveland have bore witness to a tragically comedic parade of clowns posing as either general manager or head coach. Rain, snow or sleet the Browns fans always turn out as if they were postal workers. Then predictably their beloved team mails it in.

Most Browns fans found themselves depressed by Super Bowl 43, having to endure another Steeler championship. Perhaps they should have felt encouraged, if a typically downtrodden Arizona Cardinals team can make it to the big dance, maybe even the Browns could one day.

Until then, our “Super Bowl” comes every spring. You may know it as the NFL Draft.

Unforgiveable Hall Of Fame Oversight: The Jesse Orosco Story

Jon Sladek — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 00:48:31 -0500

It is unlikely there will ever be a baseball Hall of Fame vote devoid of controversy. Between hardcore baseball fans, It usually makes for a lively and jovial debate.

This year, however, the results struck of nerve with me, and I refuse to sit idly while an injustice occurs.

As soon as the results were announced, I quickly rushed to the internet to check the numbers. Both Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice obtained the necessary 75 percent for induction into the Hall.

I scanned the list noticing several familiar names along the way—Dawson, Blyleven, Smith, Morris, Raines.

Finally, pulling up the rear was none other than my man, Jesse Orosco.

One stinkin’ vote.

Orosco garnered 0.2 percent of the vote, tragically leaving him 74.8 percent shy of the magical mark.

Now I’m not sure what the former southpaw did to the media, but is it not time to call off the dogs? Haven’t the hordes of Jesseheads—the pitcher’s rabid fan club members—suffered long enough?

The argument could be made that during the span of Orosco’s career from 1979 to 2003, the man simply WAS baseball. Now that argument would certainly be greeted with uproarious laughter and ridicule, but that isn’t the point here.

No official statement was released from the Orosco camp, but rumor has it he expressed shock to even earn a vote. Hearing Orosco’s expectations lowered to that degree due to some misguided media witch hunt saddens me as I’m sure it also saddens the fans of the Mets, Dodgers, Indians, Brewers, Orioles, Cardinals, Padres, Yankees and Twins; the teams for which he so valiantly performed.

For goodness sakes this is the all-time leader in games pitched! Nobody, I mean NOBODY showed up for work quite like Orosco.

I can still remember sitting in an empty Cleveland Municipal Stadium with my father in 1991 watching a 105-loss Indians team. There wasn’t much to cheer for in those days, but nothing was more exciting than seeing that bullpen door swing open, and Orosco’s wonderfully misshapen body emerge with the Tribe trailing by five runs after another Denis Boucher or “Hot” Rod Nichols shelling.

Two or three enemy baserunners would be on base, but if you were lucky, Orosco would throw them the “Uncle Jesse” and get an inning-ending force out at second base.

Those are the memories you hang on to.

The ones not even a Hall of Fame voter can take away.

Eric Mangini Accepts Fate As New Cleveland Browns Coach

Jon Sladek — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 00:12:59 -0500

Here we go again.

The dismissed and disgraced Browns coach exiting Cleveland to make way for the latest schmuck, err, leader.

Are we supposed to be excited about Eric Mangini?

We were excited about Bill Belichick and Butch Davis. Some were even optimistic about Romeo Crennel.

The names and faces change, but the results remain constant. Since the organization returned prior to the 1999 season, the Browns have been nothing but a humiliating flop and source of frustration and angst for fans.

I have absolutely no faith in the organization anymore.

In the past decade, we have suffered through heartless and talent-deficient players, incompetent head coaches, and front office management that could not equate sound decision-making with their collective egos.

Meanwhile the Browns’ two chief “rivals,” the Ravens and Steelers continue to thrive despite both teams hiring first-time head coaches recently. Instead of trumpeting the lack-of-experience excuse on which the Browns have pinned their numerous train wreck seasons on, Pittsburgh and Baltimore will meet in the AFC Championship game this weekend.

I’m tired of players who don’t want to be in Cleveland. I’m tired of botched draft picks. I’m tired of waiting for a Browns linebacker to make a bone-jarring hit. I’m tired of watching Steelers sacking Ty Detmer/Tim Couch/Kelly Holcomb/Jeff Garcia/Trent Dilfer/Charlie Frye/Derek Anderson.

Most of all, I’m tired of losing!

I don’t believe I’m about to type this, but if we knew this was what we were going to get after the original Browns parted for Baltimore—we might have issued a collective, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Not counting interim coach Terry Robiskie, the Browns have employed three head coaches since ’99. None have obtained another head coaching gig in the NFL. Simply put, it is where head coaches go to die or at least their careers.

It is an ominous sign for poor young Eric Mangini.

For the record, I like Mangini. I think in any other circumstance he could be successful.

In Cleveland, however, he’s just the next colossal failure.

Embarassing Blunder Leaves Yankees Red-Faced

Jon Sladek — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 02:14:55 -0500

Recently I had an embarrassing misunderstanding with—get this—the New York Yankees.

As a lifelong Indians fan, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered a voice mail on my cell phone from Yanks general manager Brian Cashman.

Initially I assumed Indians GM Mark Shapiro put Cashman up to this, surely fed up with receiving my annual “Christmas wish list,” which includes just one item—a World Series victory.

Turns out, Shapiro played no part in Cashman’s attempt to contact me. When I returned the call I was connected directly with the Yankees top decision-maker, who promptly offered me a two-year contract worth $3.8 million!

After slipping outside to euphorically sprint a celebratory lap around my apartment complex, I returned inside only to have reality smack me in the face like a banana cream pie, only not nearly as funny.

"I haven’t played organized baseball since I was 12 years old!" I thought to myself.

"Surely I wouldn’t be of much value to a professional baseball team seeking to challenge for the American League pennant!"

Once again I phoned “Cash”—the nickname by which he affectionately suggested I refer to him—to explain that not only was I not a major-league caliber outfielder, but that I would be fortunate to lock down the fourth outfielder slot on my company softball team.

What happened next can only be described as good old-fashioned tomfoolery between a couple of guys.

After 15 minutes of sharing uproarious laughter and even a few tears, I finally discovered the mystery behind my contract offer.

Apparently after doling out more than $400 million in less than two weeks to pitchers CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, and slugger Mark Teixeira, the Yankees had simply gotten completely carried away and began offering absurd contracts to baseball players few people had even heard of. Or such was the case with me, offering an absurd contract to a non-baseball player whom nobody had heard of.

In hindsight, could I have milked the Yankees for a few million dollars while producing little in return like everybody else does? Of course.

Am I glad I turned the offer down if for no other reason, to spare myself intense public humiliation and scorn? Of course.

Besides, I have to be honest, I felt insulted by the signing bonus.

Browns Faced With Must-Lose Sunday.

Jon Sladek — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:42:46 -0500

It just wouldn’t be a Browns/Bengals game in December unless there was some serious draft positioning on the line—and this year is no different.

Fans of poor, sloppy football are in for a treat as this battle spotlights two of the best turnovermen in the nation—Ryan Fitzpatrick and Ken Dorsey

Ladies and gentlemen, the “Battle of Ohio!”

Cleveland Browns Stadium is sure to feature a cacophony of boos, jeers and expletives— most of which directed at embattled and rotund head coach Romeo Crennel—as the hometown Brownies take the field to continue their spirited ascent up the 2008 draft board.

Standing in their way are the frisky Bengals, coming off a demoralizing victory against the Redskins last week.

The win, described by head coach Marvin Lewis as “disappointing,” destroyed Cincinnati’s prime real estate behind the Lions at the second overall draft pick and now has the Bengals struggling to stay in the top five.

“There is so much great talent coming out of college,” Lewis said. “Until last week we had worked hard to earn the pick of the litter; we can’t accept any more slip-ups.”

Despite four straight convincing defeats, there are no delusions of coasting in the Cleveland locker room.

“As a defender I have to be ready for (Bengals quarterback Ryan) Fitzpatrick to deliver the ball right into my chest,” said Browns linebacker Andra Davis. “I’ve got to make sure to tip that ball up and hope it falls into the hands of one of their receivers.”

Romeo Crennel’s consistent game-day demeanor of staring blankly at the field and losing track of downs and in which quarter the game has progressed to should work in Cleveland’s favor.

“Normally putting on the pads gets me fired up,” center Hank Fraley explained. “But Romeo’s uninspired, monotone pregame talks really lull me into a state that allows me to miss those key blocks.”

A loss for the Browns will all but lock up a 4-12 finish, as they travel to Pittsburgh for the season finale.

The road is not as easy for Cincy, which puts its perfect 0-7 road record on the line Sunday. They end the season at home, hosting the 2-12 Chiefs. With only “don’t know any better” quarterback Tyler Thigpen and future Hall-of-Fame tight end Tony Gonzalez still playing hard, the K.C. game will be anything but an easy loss.

“People have been doubting us all year,” said receiver Chad Johnson. “I can sit here and guarantee a 2-13-1 finish; and you can print that!”

What's on Tap for the SEC: Week Four

Jon Sladek — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:47:14 -0400

No. 6 LSU at No. 10 Auburn

This will be the first of many tests for both teams. Auburn narrowly avoided disaster last week in an uber-ugly 3-2 win over Mississippi St. A lot of question marks still surround the offense and junior quarterback Chris Todd. The defense is tough and should keep them in the game if they are have trouble scoring points again.

The winner of this contest is most likely an Alabama win away from representing the West in the SEC Championship game.

No. 4 Florida at Tennessee

Rocky Toppers have to be wondering about their squad after seeing the thrashing BYU put on UCLA. It could potentially get away from Phil Fullmer real fast as the Vols travel to Auburn and Georgia in the next three weeks after this game.

Having said that, Urban Meyer should improve to 4-0 against Tennessee despite battling the droves of Vol fans that will pack the mammouth that is Neyland Stadium. There is just too much talent on the Gators side.

No. 9 Alabama at Arkansas

This is a dangerous game for the Tide. While they are clearly the better team, coach Saban and his staff must have the players minds focused on the Razorbacks and not the Georgia Bulldogs, next week's opponent.

The Razorbacks are not even close to the same team they were last year when they fell in a shootout with the Tide, losing running backs Darren McFadden and Felix Jones to the NFL. While Alabama has outscored its three opponents (Clemson, Tulane and Western Kentucky) by a 95-23 margin, Arkansas narrowly edged Western Illinois (28-24) and Louisiana-Monroe (28-27).

Following this game, the poor Razorbacks travel to Austin to take on seventh-ranked Texas, return home to host fourth-ranked Florida, then travel to 10th-ranked Auburn. That's enough to make head coach Bobby Petrino leave the team in the middle of the night to go coach high school ball somewhere.

Vanderbilt at Mississippi

How can you not root for Vandy in this one? Thanks to a stunning victory over South Carolina two weeks ago, the perennial SEC sad-sack can improved to 2-0 in the conference and 4-0 overall. They only won two conference games all of last year, and just one the previous year.

The Commodores actually started 4-0 in 2005, and promptly dropped the next six games, including a 17-15 debacle against Middle Tennessee.

With a win, Ole Miss will match its win total from last season.

Cleveland Browns, Indians Keep on...Struggling: The week in Cleveland sports.

Jon Sladek — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 12:34:42 -0400

The Season of Disappointment for the cit of Cleveland continues. The Browns fell to 0-2 after a loss to the Steelers for the 72nd consecutive time and the Indians learned how to play baseball courtesy of the Kansas City Royals.\

Here is a sampling of what is on my mind as the Indians continue to play out the string and the Browns prepare to head to Baltimore:

Watching Romeo Crennel on the sidelines during Browns games makes me realize what I must have looked like when my mom dropped me off the first day of kindergarten: confused, disoriented, a little scared, and just wanting to go home.
The last few years, the trend for successful NFL running backs has favored guys with smaller size, quick feet, elusiveness, and acceleration. Jamal Lewis, however, looks like he is running in mud with cement shoes and chooses to run directly in to the teeth of the defense. He has one speed: slow.
If you have any interest in seeing the Browns succeed and are in a position to make decisions for the team, wouldn't you find a way to get Jerome Harrison the ball more than once a game?
How stable is the NFL coaching scene? In merely two weeks, coach Chud has gone from stud to dud.
I know its only been two years, but I wasn't prepared to wait this long to see Kamerion Wimbley make a big play... and I'm running dangerously low on food rations and water supply.
I don't know much about the Indians lineup for 2009. However, it BETTER include Shin-Soo Choo, Asdrubal Cabrera, and Kelly Shoppach.
If I had to pick one lasting image for the 2008 Indians season, it would be Ryan Garko staring blankly at the scoreboard while peeling his batting gloves off after yet another inning-ending strike out as STO goes to commercial.
At this point, shouldn't we just perform elbow ligament transplant or Tommy John surgery on every Indians pitcher as they enter A-ball? Also, is it too late to copyright and collect royalties on the phrase, "(insert pitcher) left the game with elbow soreness."
How long would it take Eric Wedge and Romeo Crennel to complete a crossword puzzle? Does anybody have an estimate?

NBA: Where the Fix Happens

Jon Sladek — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 16:53:05 -0400

Six years ago the Sacramento Kings were on their way to the NBA Finals. It was game six of the Western Conference Finals, and the Kings appeared to be the superior team—and it appeared they would win the game.

The fourth quarter of game six featured officiating so poor and one-sided that columnists and talk-show hosts across the nation vented their collective outrage the following day.

Foul after foul was called on Sacramento's big men. Starting center Vlade Divac fouled out. Backup Scot Pollard followed him despite playing just 11 minutes. Yet another big man, Chris Webber, collected five fouls.

The Lakers enjoyed a parade to the charity stripe and ultimately another trip to the Finals. Even Shaquille O'Neal made 13 of 17 free throws.

Among the most vocal critics of the officiating in game six were Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon and USA Today columnist David Dupree.

Even Ralph Nader personally sent a letter to David Stern calling for a league review of the game to prevent "more distrust and distaste" for the game in general.

Fast forward six years and we have statements from former referee Tim Donaghy claiming to have inproper knowledge from the Lakers-Kings matchup.

In addition, Donaghy claims Houston center Yao Ming was singled out by referees in a playoff series against the Dallas Mavericks in 2005. Then-Rockets' coach Jeff Van Gundy made the same claims at the time, and it lightened his wallet to the tune of $100,000.

Ever since Michael Jordan's playing days, the NBA has had credibility issues when it comes to officiating. Now, however, there seems to be more concrete evidence to support what most fans have believed for years.

How is it Major League Baseball was put through the wringer for the steroids scandal, yet the NBA remains as popular as ever despite the potentiallly orchestrated outcomes by the three least athletic men on the court.

Even game two of this year's Finals matchup between the Lakers and Celtics looked shockingly suspicious. Boston reserve Leon Powe attempted three more foul shots than the entire Lakers team.

Ironically, now it was Phil Jackson, often a beneficiary of the whistles during the Shaq-era in L.A., who was questioning the calls.

Nearly 90 years ago, baseball was rocked by the Black Sox scandal. The players involved were prosecuted, and a guy named Ruth eventually made everyone forget about it. Now we have "could-not-care-less" NBA commissioner David Stern smugly dismissing Donaghy's claims as "baseless."

You can't blame the commissioner though. The NBA has been deflecting suspicions for years and ratings and attendance are as good as ever.

Apparently it takes far more than a crooked ref and a slew of allegations to turn fans away. Apparently the average NBA fan doesn't much care whether the outcomes of all games are legitimate.

It's Faaaaaaaaaaaaantastic!

Cleveland Indians: Pitchers Fed Up with Lack of Support, Plan To Strike

Jon Sladek — Sat, 24 May 2008 03:58:55 -0400

Fed up with working conditions and Tribe hitters not carrying their weight—or in some cases hitting their weight—the Cleveland Indians’ pitching staff will strike against the positions’ players despite tireless efforts of manager Eric Wedge.

The hurlers broke off talks with the hitters after Thursday night's dismal two-hit performance against the Chicago White Sox.

"I can't work in an environment where you have to be perfect to win," said one pitcher choosing to remain anonymous. "I have a family to feed for gosh sakes."

The two pitchers, Fausto Carmona and Aaron Laffey, have the biggest gripes against the slumping batters.

Carmona, a 19-game winner a year ago, has managed just four wins in nine starts despite posting a sparkling 2.25 earned run average prior to Friday night's start.

The young Laffey is just 2-3 in his five starts filling in for the injured Jake Westbrook, yet has been near-perfect with an impossibly low 1.60 ERA.

Among the other gripes cited by the pitchers include: The offense scoring one run or less in nine embarrassing games which was the result of a recent road trip in which the Indians scored just 13 runs in six games and the team's league-worst batting average of .231.

The strike is likely to immediately impact the team as they will have to use minor league players and position players to fill the gaps on the mound.