Bleacher Report - Articles by J. Michael Morris

Tiger Woods Didn't Screw Up, He Cheated

J. Michael Morris — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:34:32 -0500

Tiger admits he cheated.

He actually used the words "transgressions" and "sins."

I'm pretty sure they refer to cheating.

Let me be clear, as President Obama likes to say: Tiger is a cheater.

Too harsh?

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

Tiger did not make mistakes. He didn't have the good intentions of hitting a four iron around a tree and onto the green but instead hit the tree. That would be a mistake. He kicked his ball from behind the tree and only summoned remorse after he was caught.

Phil Mickelson screws up. He attempts to do the right thing to win a golf tournament, but he makes a mistake and loses. As far as I know, he doesn't cheat.

Tiger, had a thought of possibly taking advantage of an opportunity to be unfaithful to his spouse and he took it.

A mistake would be if he thought the other woman was his wife because the hotel room was dark.

You can try to use that one Tiger if you want; I won't charge you royalties or anything since it was my idea.

Each one of you reading this article thought to yourself, "Sure he cheated on his wife, he's rich and powerful, but he doesn't cheat at golf." It strikes me as disingenuous that Tiger would risk destroying his relationship with his wife and children, but would never, ever consider cheating at a silly game.

I will give Tiger tons of credit for telling the truth. He even used the politically incorrect term "sin" on his Web site apology. He also said that he "was not true to his values."

Exactly what values are those, Tiger? Christian values? That is certainly what using words like "transgressions" and "sins" infers. As a Christian, respecting the divine nature of your marriage should rank pretty high on the list of important life goals. Maybe at the very top.

Probably above professional and career goals.

Bottom line to me is that by using Christian terms of guilt, Tiger has painted himself into a professional corner. Is he like the stereotypical sports thug and evangelical preacher who only use Christian forgiveness to get out of legal problems, or is he genuinely interested in becoming a morally improved human?

I am willing to give Tiger the benefit of the doubt on this and allow him and his family to deal with these transgressions (his word, not mine) free from tabloid and blogger inspection.

I sincerely hope things work out in his personal life.

His very public professional career, on the other hand, is a different matter entirely. It is apparently not as important to Tiger as his personal and family life, so...

If he cheats at life, he probably cheats at golf.

Like using steroids.

A Few "Irresponsible" Stories About Tiger's Accident

J. Michael Morris — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:11:00 -0500

Fame, beauty, success, money and power.

Tiger has them all, along with a model wife, and two healthy children.

What Tiger is also being accused of having, is either a trashy girlfriend who notches her celebrity affairs on her proverbial bedpost, or a very low tolerance for thanksgiving wine.

This story reminds me of an old Quentin Tarantino film where he would first get the audiences attention with a seemingly random and shocking incident like a car accident or shooting and then fill in the back story later in the film.

Suspense is built when the "why" of a story is drawn out and told through several out of context snippets.

Speculation is being fueled in the media because we have enough information to make some very logical assumptive leaps, but not enough to rule out even the most salacious scenario.

What if Tiger grudgingly spent the day cooking Thanksgiving dinner for his wife and in-laws instead of watching football? Then his unappreciative trophy wife sent all the help home for the holiday weekend and Tiger ended up doing the dishes, too?

After a hard day slaving away in the kitchen, Elin decides that she and her unnamed family member are going to see Twilight, New Moon at the local multi-plex theater. This would leave Eldrick home alone with his two young children.

As any father knows, the best course of action in this situation is Dimetap cold medicine for the kids and a nice bottle of Merlot for the father. All three of you will be asleep within 20 minutes.

Elin wanders in around midnight giggling about how dreamy werewolves are and how a Tiger would never stand a chance against a vampire. Tiger asks her politely to put a sock in it because he's trying to sleep off some pain pills and red wine.

Understandably, he was feeling a little hermatile (look it up).

One thing leads to another and Tiger tells Elin that she can have her immortal movie character because he has another actual human woman waiting for him right now at the closest local chain hotel.

All logical so far...right?

This may not have happened to me a few years ago with the roles reversed, but my wife wasn't dumb enough to drive into a fire-hydrant...allegedly.

I personally cannot wait to hear from Tiger Woods directly on this one. When I say directly I mean over a couple of beers at the country club. Call me anytime Tiger, if you need to talk to someone.

Not the accident, but the alleged affair.

Humans make mistakes, but having incredibly good judgement is perhaps the only reason sports fans admire Tiger. As I said before, golf is NOT a sport in the athletic sense.

One thing is certain, Tiger will not lie to police about the circumstances surrounding the confusing car accident late Thanksgiving night. Either he avoids making legally significant public statements about the incident or he will tell the entire truth and accept the consequences.

It's what golf teaches.

I wish that the ridiculous story that Tiger's wife and agent are pushing was even marginally believable because the two media sources who are disputing them are TMZ and The Enquirer. How terrible is our mainstream media if these two organizations are the most credible sources on any topic.

Without a 2:30 a.m., low-speed car accident twenty feet from home that required his wedge wielding wife to smash out a back window and drag Tiger to safety, nobody would give any credit to the aforementioned media stories.

Here's a lesson in public relations for Elin: when you make up a story, try to make it MORE logical than the tabloid explanation.

Tiger, like the gentleman his image suggests, is attempting to take the heat for his wife by possibly staging the entire event. She could get jail time if his injuries were the result of Elin's golf swing. How embarrassing would that be for his family?

For the record, in case any of my future ex-wives are reading this, Tiger deserves a seven-iron sandwich for the Enquirer making up anything about his possible interest in anyone other than his beautiful wife and mother of his perfect children.

Look for Elin's "Kobe Special" in future appearances, a ring that is more expensive than a house.

Something on this scorecard does not add up.

As Woods has learned over his illustrious golfing career, double check each score and make sure it equals the total before signing off on it.

Who Put This Jazz Song on Repeat?

J. Michael Morris — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:38:55 -0400

The Utah Jazz will open their season Wednesday night in Denver with three players out to injury and two others being game-time decisions.

Where have I heard this before?

Ohhhh, right, last year. Utah began their season with key injuries too, and every single year before that.

I blame Jerry Sloan for working them too hard in the preseason.

I blame Utah's wild nightlife for keeping players from getting offseason appropriate rest.

I blame Malone and Stockton for setting the comparative bar so high.

I blame my parents for allowing me to care about sports.

Early season injuries have never affected overall season performance much, except when Deron "Atlas" Williams went down. Once again he carries the Jazz world on his shoulders. Good thing he's healthy.

When Carlos Boozer took his extended vacation—I mean, was injured—we were introduced to the basketball version of James Brown: Paul Millsap. The hardest working man in the b-ball business actually improved that position for Utah temporarily.

Millsap is healthy except for a mild case of carpal tunnel in his right wrist that he developed last summer from constantly checking his ATM balance in surprised disbelief. Yes, Paul, the check cleared.

Andrei Kirilenko has yet to earn his paycheck in Utah, but at least he's healthy to start this season. All four of his potential backups—Kyle Korver, Matt Harping, C.J. Miles, and Ronnie Brewer—are injured so Andrei better be in shape to play the entire game.

Ronnie Price will play two-guard with a strained hamstring, and probably start. The other guard options are rookies Wes Mathews and Eric Maynor.

Mehmet Okur has been one of the pillars of the Jazz with his outside shooting, relative health, and improving post game. Post defense is still a weakness and Boozer actually makes him worse by getting in the way.

Of all the problems the team has, none will destroy fan support faster than the impending embarrassment and failure of the rookie replacement for legendary Hot Rod Hundley...on the radio.

Fifth grade know-it-all David Locke has the forced enthusiasm of a porn star on her wedding night, the ear splitting timbre of an adolescent girl, and the "well-formed" opinions of a Sportscenter-addicted frat boy.

David Locke has a sports radio talk show in Salt Lake City again after failing in the much larger and more sophisticated media market of Seattle or Portland or somewhere where franchises actually take pride in their representatives.

He claimed recently to diagnose Kyle Korver's injury prior to all the team doctors. He scooped the medical profession on that one. I'm not kidding, it's on his blog.

David Locke should sign a Dish Network commission agreement because Jazz games on the radio are no longer an option. I will upgrade to get Fox Sports Rocky Mountain if they win a few games early. Otherwise I could plug my nose and pick up an interest in the NHL.

As a frustrated Jazz fan, I actually look forward to some creative lineups instead of Jerry Sloan's predictable and mediocre teams.

I want to see Williams, Price, Milsap, Okur, and Koufos play together.

I want to see Sloan suit up and run the pick and roll with a vampdragicornasuswolf in shorty shorts, but don't tell my wife about that one.

I want to see Williams as a slashing wing. He can shoot outside and take you off the drive. Let someone else set pick and run plays for Carlos Loozer.

I want to see Boozer traded for two clean jockstraps.

The Utah Jazz franchise is at a fork in the road with Sloan nearing retirement, Larry Miller gone, and Carlos Boozer smoking crack cocaine every day.

If support for the Jazz wanes during this recession, Larry's used car dealer son, Greg, might move the team to Vegas.

Sounds a little like the plot to Major League.

Masters Update: Tiger Makes the Cut

J. Michael Morris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:07:43 -0400

It sounds silly to say that someone could spot the field seven strokes for 36 holes in a major championship and still win. Mostly because it has never been done successfully at Augusta.

Why then, is Tiger Woods is still feared by the entire field and expected by his entire fan base to be in the final round Sunday. He sits uncomfortably at -2 straining to see Chad Campbell and Kenny Perry at -9.

In fact, Woods has only once won a major championship when trying to come from behind on Sunday, last year’s legendary U.S. Open extra round battle against Rocco Mediate.

Woods likes to accomplish things that nobody believes he can, so we can ignore the history of the situation when predicting this outcome.

His visible frustration from today’s even par round of 72 sent Woods, Stevie, and Hank straight to the practice range after his morning round.

There is still a question as to whether or not Woods is physically 100 percent since we know he has won at 75 percent capability. But not at Augusta, not from seven behind the virtually collapse proof veteran Kenny Perry.

Woods may have a chance at his fifth green jacket if, and only if, he can drop a very low Saturday round and get some help from the wrathful golf gods dealing with the leaders.

Chad Campbell is usually pretty nervous when he leads the pack. A high number in one of the weekend rounds is possible from him.

Perry will likely continue his consistent play unless weather or course conditions deteriorate substantially. A very low round at this golf course on the weekend is highly unlikely.

Other notable players within striking distance are Sergio Garcia, Anthony Kim and Jim Furyk who are each at four under par, which is only five strokes back of the leaders.

Padraig Harrington had a bolt from the Augusta Zeus when a gust of wind moved his ball on the putting green after he had addressed it and soled his putter.

He actually moved away from the ball when the wind blew and then a strong gust pushed it a couple of feet.

The result, after some discussion with rules officials, was a one shot penalty which turned a birdie into a par.

This stroke of poor luck coupled with his average play this season probably ended any chance of three majors in a row for last season’s player of the year.

Phil Mickelson also had a good round that left his tournament total at -3 through two rounds, one shot ahead of Woods and six behind the leaders.

Mickelson, with his ability to play towering, spinning cut shots into tight pins on what are sure to be bikini waxed greens, gives him a chance to come back also.

When Lefty’s putter is rolling he is the No. 1 player in the world, and today it was.

Anthony Kim set a new birdie record for the event with 11. Let me try to explain this more forcefully, he shot a seven under par 65 in gusty conditions at Augusta National by making birdie on 11 of the 18 holes. Completely absurd.

Shooting 65 with two bogeys and a double-bogey during the Masters is incredible. It shows his talent and potential, but also his juvenile inconsistency which reminds me of John Daly or a younger Sergio Garcia.

Missing the cut were very few notables. Of course, many of the past champions will not play tomorrow and Greg Norman will also be watching it from one of his yachts.

Goosen, Cink, Johnson, and Weekley are the only surprising failures.

Bernhard Langer ended his fairytale tournament by following a Thursday 70 up with an 80 today.

Sandy Lyle, on the other hand, will play this weekend after today’s solid round of two under par.

It all sets up a pretty compelling “moving day” at Augusta. Saturday’s course set up at the Masters is arguable more difficult than Sunday’s which makes for many leader board changes.

For Sunday not to become a ratings bust, Woods, Mickelson, and/or Garcia need to play themselves to within three shots of the leader.

Masters Update: Tiger Woods Ties His Best Opening Round Ever at Augusta

J. Michael Morris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:14:15 -0400

Tiger Woods shot a respectable round of 70 that will maintain his position as the man to beat if you desire to wear a handsome green jacket on Sunday afternoon network television.

In fact, Eldrick has a history of spotting the field a few strokes on Thursday at the Masters. His last under par opening round at Augusta came way back in 2002. He has never had a Masters opening round in the 60s. Oddly enough, this is the formula that has won him four green jackets in his career.

I cannot verify that the chirping birds heard on television were native this year instead of television produced background ambiance, but the ideal spring weather in Augusta, Georgia today produced plenty of birdies from the players.

Thursday was in fact the easiest Augusta National ever, allowing 28 under par rounds. Great weather, soft greens and first round pressureless mentality combined give a few “has beens” their “once again.”

The lowest round of the day by someone from the Masters’ history book came from Larry Mize. Larry famously found a green jacket that had been abandoned by Greg Norman, who was then the best player in the world, on the second sudden death playoff hole of the 1987 Masters. Larry Mize, who has been preparing hard for the senior tour, is two off the lead at 5 under par.

The same Greg Norman, who actually qualified to play in this event through his British Open performance last year, is tied with Tiger Woods after round one.

Bernhard Langer also shot 68 to try and prolong his past champion invite a few more years.

Michigan State Junior and Public Links Champion, Jack Newman, leads the field of five invited amateur players with an even par score of 72. Jack Newman has a modern golf swing, a future on the PGA tour and a name from the senior tour.

When did parents stop making up names and return to the classics?

Last year’s Masters Champion Trevor Immelman chipped in for one of the aforementioned birdies on the 14th hole, which stopped his bleeding scorecard, if only for the day. Winning back to back green jackets is as uncommon as Jeev Milka Singh’s golf swing.

Speaking of professional golf’s slumdog millionaire, those crazy Augusta National members paired the world’s most over-analyzed and expensive golf swing which is built on the high performance chassis of Tiger Woods with the uncertain and awkward looking motions of a third world homemade swing supported by the accountant quality body of Jeev Milka Singh.

The contrast rivaled Zach Johnson’s red pants, white shoes and cap, and navy blue slacks. Is Jesper Parnevik teaching fashion classes in the locker room?

They also paired the boomin’ babies of professional golf: Ryo Ishikawa who is the 17-year-old two-time Japanese tour winner, Rory McIlroy is the 19 year-old Irishman who currently owns the most “next Tiger Woods” hype and a fantastic Caucasian afro, and 21 year-old Anthony Kim who was made famous by nearly surviving last year’s US Open Tiger attack by hiding behind an enormous belt buckle.

Now back to those players who might actually have a chance of winning.

Chad Campbell, who was probably happy just to be at Augusta in April, briefly matched the course record of nine under par before succumbing to the nerve induced defense of historical record. He hit two bunkers (the only bunkers he hit in an otherwise perfect round) in the final two holes of his round to finish bogey, bogey for a 65 and the first-round lead by one shot.

From the cliché column, Phil Mickelson and Sergio Garcia probably lost the tournament on Thursday.

Kenny Perry may get some Sunday airtime after...wait, don’t stop reading...OK, I promise, no more about the most boring player on tour...even if he shot 68.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot with all the Tiger talk, Padraig Harrington shot a 3-under 69 to continue his quest of winning three majors in a row.

The modus operandi of current major championships is that the first round has the easiest course set up of all four days. As the week progresses they will stop watering the greens and start hiding the pins in an effort to strain out the pretenders.

As always, Thursday at the Masters showed us a bit of history and a bit of the future, but the bulk of the leader board consists of the usual suspects of professional golf.

Tiger Woods Wins the Arnold Palmer Invitational, Again

J. Michael Morris — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 22:27:01 -0400

Tim Finchem can exhale: the PGA Tour recession has just ended.

Perhaps the most famous athlete ever, Tiger Woods re-emerged in his hometown of Orlando, Florida to hoist the Bay Hill Invitational trophy for the sixth time. Tiger winning again was doubted by none, but doing it so soon after his mandatory medical sabbatical from the game, was a pleasant surprise.

Tiger is so important to the financial health of golf, that he personally hosted a foursome of fence-sitting CEOs at his home-course recently in a Tim Finchem-organized attempt to close long-term sponsorship deals for the PGA Tour.

Once again, the competition for Tiger turned out to be anything but.

This year's victim was a poor kid who was voted rookie of the year in 2005 and has since changed everything in an attempt to emulate Tiger's golf swing. Building a high-tech golf lab in his home has nearly accomplished the task. As Sean O'Hair's split screen swing comparison can be synchronized perfectly with Tiger's, and every angle matched throughout.

What he, and apparently every other professional player, have failed to realize is that Tiger doesn't win with his golf swing, he wins with his putting, Jedi mind tricks, and iron will. Why these traits cannot be emulated by the other players, is anyone's guess.

As I sympathetically watch another domination of Tiger's final group playing partner, I recall the movie "The Princess Bride." In that movie, merely the legend of the Dread Pirate Roberts makes otherwise worthy opponents cower in fear.

Even though the original Dread Pirate Roberts has been comfortably retired for years and the current incarnation is an impostor, the same effect is present.

Physically, this is not quite the same Tiger who has owned the fairways of every professional venue for 15 years, and it certainly wasn't at last year's US Open. Although we all marvel at Eldrick's physique, his shot-making ability has been absent for over a year.

Even during today's final round three-under par 67, he mis-hit shot after shot and was victorious, thanks to the jelly-spined collapse of his star struck opponent, who was spotted a five stroke lead to begin the round.

It was as if Tiger playfully swung left-handed for much of the round just to determine his foe's ability, and after an exhaustive defensive round by O'Hair, Tiger switched to his natural right-handed posture to finish him off.

Here's the cold shower for Tiger Woods fans before they explode with the excitement of another dominating season: the field was quite weak. Also, O'Hair's final round collapse was Van De Veld-ish.

Only six of the top 20 players in the world competed this week, most opting for the Tiger-less event next week, in an attempt to build a little confidence going into the Masters. Also, Bay Hill is practically Tiger's home course, the perfect venue in which to assert his dominance.

The Arnold Palmer Invitational is typically used by Tiger as a warm-up event for the Masters, which begins April 6 in Augusta, Georgia. He has won both events in the same season twice.

Top Professionals from all over the world either play in this event or next week's Shell Huston Open to prepare themselves for Augusta. Players who otherwise may not be invited to the Masters can win one of these events and score a last minute spot.

After this dramatic, come-from-behind victory I am still not sure this is the real Dread Pirate Roberts. But if nobody will even attempt to stand up to the legendary one, it really doesn't matter.

Next Week's Shell Huston Open will have lower fan interest without Tiger in the field, but a much stronger overall group of competitors.

I just hope some of them show up in Augusta ready to fend off a wounded Tiger attack.

PGA Tour Embarks On a New Marketing Journey

J. Michael Morris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:17:42 -0400

You might find this difficult to believe, but apparently the PGA tour has taken a cue from the LPGA Tour by relaxing its strict dress code for players in an effort to attract more fans.

I, for one, am excited to see what the future holds, if "the future" is a euphemism for underpants.

The genius marketing effort is being misreported by the "mainstream press" as a funny and isolated situation where Henrik Stenson's caddy just happened to not pack his rain gear in that Rodney Dangerfield sized golf bag that she carries for him.

"Oops, I guess I forgot your extra pants today, what was I thinking?"

Officially, the situation then coincidentally escalated to a point where Mr. Stenson, a professional golfer who could probably knock the beer cans out of both of John Daly's hands while he played in the group ahead, hits his drive into some deep mud.

The most reasonable course of action when this happens, I've always thought, is to completely disrobe, then discuss your options with your caddy.

Sweden's Henrik Stenson, in order to avoid looking silly with mud on his clothing for the remainder of his round, decided to not only remove his shoes and socks, as is normally the case, but also his pants and shirt. From the look of his hair, he also removed his hat.

I don't think there was any risk of splashing mud all the way up onto his hat, but he would look really ridiculous with nothing but a hat on, wouldn't he?

This is the NBA equivalent of Kobe Bryant...

No…

Manu Ginobli deciding that for the fourth quarter he would perform better without his clothes on.

All that extra weight is negatively affecting his ability to jump.

No fewer than 38 professional photographers and three different television camera crews captured the situation. It was probably the first and last time this Swedish professional golfer has had to worry about paparazzi catching him in a compromised situation.

The word inside PGA Tour headquarters is that the recent financial crisis and a long injury to golf's biggest draw, Tiger Woods, has exposed the pale underbelly of some of professional golf's weaker event. Drastic action had to be taken in order to offset a lack of excitement from the traditional golf fan.

Let's call it golf's version of a stimulus package because, well, could we really call it anything else?

No longer will the PGA cater all marketing efforts towards conservative, cigar smoking, stock trading, overweight, country club members in plaid pants, or as I like to call them, the "new poor.”

The PGA Tour thinks that it can significantly increase the fan base in the two key growth demographics that will thrive under the redistribution policies creating a brand new American financial system, older women and gay curious men.

Since, money is really tight for the Tour, the marketing department decided that a little guerrilla marketing from the grassroots level was their best option.

My sources inside the locker room have indicated that each week one player will be chosen at random by the Tour Wives Association and notified through a rotten banana being left in his locker after the Wednesday practice round.

This player must devise a legitimate reason to undress during television coverage. It's all very “hush-hush.”

Most players are on board with anything that will preserve their ridonkulously posh lifestyle of flying all over the world to play golf all day every day for millions of dollars.

Tiger Woods asked to be notified in advance so he could sign a Hanes sponsorship agreement and Colin Montgomery asked if he would have to remove his bra.

Tiger Woods' Professional Expectations are Very...Low?

J. Michael Morris — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 11:47:18 -0500

Tiger Woods will not win a major championship this season and probably will not win one professional golf tournament in 2009.

Casual golf fans worldwide had a somewhat satisfying partial release of their collective accumulated anticipation when Tiger Woods won the first match of his return to competitive golf.

It certainly was exactly what the PGA Tour and sports fans everywhere needed to console their fears of a world that may never be the same after a long winter and brutal financial off-season.

Although the timing of Eldrick's red carpet return to the game was as smooth as an Ernie Els three-iron, Tiger's actual performance in this event was exactly as bad as expected. I'm sorry, Tiger fans, but let's sniff the faint scent of reality for a moment, a second round defeat is equal to missing the cut.

Of course we cannot expect much more given the situation, not for a mortal. But this is the same Tiger Woods who hobbled through a heroic five round U.S. Open battle to a human expectations murdering victory less than one year ago.

What should concern Tiger Woods fans is that he was actually satisfied with his performance.

Tiger chooses his words as carefully as he chooses the line to start a Sunday afternoon birdie attempt in April. The words he chose to say after both his Thursday victory over Brendan Jones and his Friday loss to Tim Clark were basically the same, "I felt good out there, I hit the ball very well."

In fact Tiger even expressed a pleasant surprise at how quickly he got "it" back. Forgive me for the blasphemy here but I didn't see "it" from Tiger. I saw some quality professional golf being played, but not "it" the way I assume Tiger Woods defines it.

It really wasn't a competitive performance at all and that is exactly what Tiger expected.

If that performance from Tiger matched his expectations, as he said it did, then for the first time in history Tiger Woods has very low expectations of himself. His competition should be encouraged.

The strategy of choosing a match play event for his return to competitive play is also telling.

Match play golf does not even remotely require the same consistency or high level of skill as traditional PGA Tour events in order to compete. The difference between victory and defeat in a four day stroke-play event is generally only one or two strokes out of a competitive field of 132 players or more.

In match play, they begin with a field of 64 and only keep track of actual strokes one hole at a time. A triple bogey will not ruin your entire week in match play. Tiger's uncertain performance expectations could not have chosen a more forgiving venue for evaluation.

Tiger, as the #1 player in the world, was matched with the worst player in the field for the opening day and it took him 16 holes to be victorious. This round was as close to a gimme as they allow in professional sports.

He is non-committal about playing in the upcoming World Golf Championships at Doral where he has won three of the last four hosted tournaments. I would assume that he needs at least two actual full field, four round events under his belt, for game evaluation reasons, prior to Augusta's April Masters Tournament.

I don't believe Tiger can return to dominance, or even be marginally competitive by then, but what I do or don't believe is inconsequential to Tiger's success.

What Tiger expects of himself is what will define his accomplishments, and right now, Tiger expects very little.

Alex Rodriguez Admits Nothing We Didn't Already Know

J. Michael Morris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:20:12 -0500

For the record, I will sing backup vocals...oh, and I don't really care how a person abuses themselves physically. Please, just stop abusing me mentally with your fake apologies and insincere excuses.

The following is some of what Alex Rodriguez had to say a few days ago about his inclusion on a list of MLB players who tested positive for steroids ten years ago:

"Back then, it was a different culture," Rodriguez said. "It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time."

You may think this statement is bold and that Alex is facing the problem head-on. This is only because you are comparing it to the other weasel admissions on the same topic. First he blames the era, then he blames youthful indiscretion.

So his irresponsible youth ended precisely the moment SI published proof that he was hiding this lie. A-Rod has always had great timing.

Rodriguez added: "I am sorry for my Texas years. I apologize to the fans of Texas." But he followed it up by saying that his Yankees years, the best baseball of his career, were "clean".

So you're saying Alex, if I can interpret douchebag-ese, that taking steroids to bulk up and increase strength and overall muscle mass doesn't help a professional athlete's performance after they stop doing it?

Right, because I remember that one guy who was 150 lbs in college and then he took steroids to get up around 220 lbs, but then after he quit taking them he went right back down to 150 lbs.

What was his name again?

Milt, no Mort...Mort..on...Morton Blum..en...fe..eld...quist...er NEVER HAPPENED.

He also reasoned, "I felt a tremendous pressure to play, and play really well."

I'm really sorry that a professional competitor feels pressure to perform. You should be able to relieve that pressure with a relaxing off-season vacation, massage therapists in the locker room, wheelbarrows of cash, Madonna, or even a few Michael Phelps lung sized bong rips.

Instead, you cheated.

"I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful."

No, Alex, you regret that we found out, otherwise you would have apologized last week, or last year.

Rodriguez's apology is like every episode of Cops where dude breaks the law, dude runs, dude gets caught, then dude says I'm sorry I ran, please don't hit me with that nightstick again. We all know that he ran because he wanted to get away.

If Rodriguez would have gotten away with it, like he thought he did for the last ten years and like many others apparently have, would he be sorry?

I can't wait for the first professional athlete to come forth prior to being caught and say,"I cheated because I wanted to win and get paid more than I wanted to fairly compete or be a good person."

Because that is the only truth of all steroid use situations.

Wildly Speculative Utah Jazz Rumor From Dubious Sources: CONFIRMED

J. Michael Morris — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 18:46:41 -0500

So I think B/R has a new marketing angle for at least one of it's writers.

A certain J.Michael Morris (if that is his real name) wrote an article on December 20th of 2008 that cited a very questionable source on some breaking news.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/95310-could-jazz-be-for-sale-utah-rumor-mill-in-full-production

This rumor was confirmed last night by multiple media sources and ran on the bottom of the screen scroll for several hours on ESPNews, as if we didn't already know.

Well, when I say we, I mean me and exactly 344 other people who read about it on the hottest on-line resource for wild speculation and occasional third-hand breaking news, Bleacher Report, OVER A MONTH AGO.

I am not one to toot my own horn, and least not audibly in mixed company, but...wow. I scooped all local news outlets and ESPN by over a month. Here are some of the pathetic attempts at breaking news journalism from yesterday.

http://www.sltrib.com/sports/ci_11539244

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3856179

You'll have to read the other article to find out the topic because I think that my writing is barely sub-par by journalist standards and would like more of you to tell me so. In golf sub-par is better than par.

I know only half of what my not at all made up string of sources told me has actually been confirmed, but I would say that Bubba has just gained some credibility in the world of unverifiable rumor spreading.

If the leg amputation part, which was the most absurd to me originally, has been confirmed,which it has, can selling the franchise be far behind?

Stay tuned for updates because Saturday night is poker night, unless you want to get your news a month later from ESPN or the Tribune companies.

A Farewell to Arms (Flying in the Air Wildly) in the NBA

J. Michael Morris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 23:07:33 -0500

The NBA has been pushing, quite successfully, to become world attraction similar to soccer. One unintended consequence of this ambition is that some of the negative aspects of international play seep into league. Vlade Divac has been dubbed the grandfather of flopping, since then the cancer has spread. Even the reality blind league has recently recognized that flopping has had a negative impact on the NBA. Supposedly 2009 is the year they crack down on players who obviously manipulate the referees. To date not one fine has been handed down from David Stern for pretending to be fouled. Hopefully the future of the NBA actually moves away from giving in to whiners and actors. The following slide is a tribute to the finest international players who were raised in a culture of Futbol are the primary source of flopping, whining, faking injury, complaining about calls, and generally manipulating the rules and officials to favor their team. In golf, where we call penalties on ourselves, this is called cheating.

Begin Slideshow

The BCS Controversy Can Be Placed Squarely on the SEC's Shoulders

J. Michael Morris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:54:22 -0500

Please SEC, use your non-conference schedule to give mid-majors a loss, like all other BCS conference schools do, instead of playing FCS cupcakes.

Legend has it that after an embarrassing 1984 college football season where the virtually unheard of Brigham Young University went 13-0, and by beating Michigan in the Holiday bowl, was voted NCAA National Champions. Southern school athletic directors began brainstorming for ideas to stop this insanity.

The solution they came up with is now known as the BCS. It's grand design is to keep the attention away from up and coming college athletic programs and therefore the money from college football right where it has been for the previous 50 years.

The so-called BCS power conferences completely ignore certain parts of the country in favor of coastal population centers where media dollars are the greatest.

It was a pretty good plan, if it's true, and has worked quite well. Even if it is just a rumor, it has had the same result.

Recently, however, there have been some chinks in the BCS armour. Cries from all over the nation about uninteresting bowl match-ups and biased ranking procedure have hurt the credibility of their crowned national champions.

2009 is shaping up to be the worst offender of all with at least four teams with a legitimate claim to the No. 1 ranking, and two non-BCS conference teams ranked in the top 12 not invited to play at all.

The most illustrative, however, is an undefeated No. 6 Utah team pounding a highly regarded Alabama team in the Sugar Bowl.

Sports media cover-ups of this scandalous SEC failure have been tediously predictable.

Among them are that Alabama players were so disappointed not to be in the National Championship and just couldn't motivate themselves to try harder. How about being embarrassed by a mid-major? Is that enough motivation?

Another excuse I have heard is that the coach of the year, Nick Saban, failed to scheme and prepare properly. The players and the program though...are obviously way better than any Mountain West team.

And finally, Alabama is just not the same team without one offensive lineman that the coach, unfortunately, suspended.

Reality is that Utah was also disappointed not to be in the National Championship game, again, after another undefeated season. They were NOT just happy to be included, like the last kid picked on the playground.

Utah's 2004 undefeated season was credited to their "genius coaching" by Urban Meyer, who promptly left for Florida, enticed by the same things the BCS promised it's schools, attention and money.

I wonder which BCS failure is going to hire Kyle Whittingham to turn around their program next season. Would Catholics hire a Mormon?

As for the suspended offensive lineman, Nick Saban is a proven liar and unscrupulous recruiter and coach.

If Little Nicky, as I like to call him, thought for a second that by suspending one player it would affect the Crimson Tide's chance of winning the Sugar Bowl, he would have swept it under the rug until the game was over. Typical arrogant overconfidence from the worst NFL coach ever.

As I have written in previous articles, there is a solution to all of this controversy, and it is NOT a playoff.

Just make sure that stronger mid-majors have a game or two during the regular season against a quality BCS school, preferably from the SEC or Big 12. The Pac-10 is trying its best, but they keep losing.

SEC athletic directors need to get over their Bear Bryant mentality of only scheduling teams they are certain to beat for non-conference and bowl games.

FCS games should diminish an FBS team's ranking whether they win or not due to a week of dodging real competition.

This will usually give teams like Utah and Boise State a regular-season loss so they will not have a legitimate claim to being the best team in the nation and as a bonus, it may expose overrated BCS teams like Alabama before they steal a Sugar Bowl spot from someone else.

Las Vegas Bowl: 22 Mormon Boys Expose Themselves in Las Vegas

J. Michael Morris — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 05:54:02 -0500

The headline is really all I have, but isn't it funny?

Okay I'll try to go a little more in depth.

BYU's quest for perfection ended last night in an embarrassing, sloppy, turnover and penalty riddled high school quality football game. Their defensive line has once again proven themselves useless at putting pressure on a QB.

Just like the Brigham Young we have all grown to pity, the boys in blue once again showed their junk to the world instead of their inner light when confronted with a little opposition.

Sometimes temptation overwhelms good intentions. I think many of the players in the Las Vegas bowl, on both teams were still a little drunk at kickoff.

A combined 17 penalties, six turnovers and at least a dozen bad calls, many of them reviewed for proverbial hours, made this game a challenge of the losers. I can suck worst...no I can.

The officials certainly were plastered, or a PAC10 crew, which is redundant.

Arizona's star receiver Mike Thomas, by shoving his head coach after his second fumble of the evening, showed that we will have another spoiled diva at wideout in the NFL next year to challenge Ocho Cinco and T.O. for the king of stupidity crown.

Highlights of the game were that it was the first bowl win in a decade for Arizona and a great performance from their quarterback Willie Tuitama.

The good thing about a Quest for Perfection is that it never ends and it can never be accomplished, sort of like a quest for a national championship by a non-BCS school. Good luck Utah.

Brigham Young fans are generally fickle and only support a winning program. Many of them will push their blue sweatshirts to the bottom of the pile and sport red Utah Utes gear for the next couple of weeks.

BYU opens next season with senior QB Max Hall returning to face Florida State, but for now, those kids need to get out of Sin City and back to the safety and security of Provo to try and learn how to suceed in the real world.

The Mountain West Conference still has a chance to redeem themselves with TCU playing undefeated Boise State and, of course, the Utes against the Crimson Tide in the Sugar Bowl.

Could Jazz Be for Sale? Utah Rumor Mill in Full Production

J. Michael Morris — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:28:16 -0500

You've all heard that Carlos Boozer accidentally on purpose expressed his desire to make more money in a casual conversation with an ESPN.com reporter. Boozer, like everyone else in the world, thinks he is more valuable than his employer does. His honesty is apparently shocking to fans, coaches, and franchise owners.

I have some actual shocking news from the Utah Jazz franchise. You will not find these items reported anywhere else. The beauty of being an Internet blogger is that I have no journalistic idealism or politically motivated editor to censor these forthcoming rumors.

Let's be very unclear here, I don't know if any of these rumors are true and I don't have to. It's called speculation. Without rumors, there would be no investigations or breaking news. Do we really have to wait for official announcements before it is prudent to report something?

I do have a very good source, though. A guy named Bubba plays in an illegal poker game (I'm not making this up) with someone inside the Utah Jazz organization who is not technically a cheerleader but may occasionally wear an animal suit at games. Let's call him Stacy, behind his back, due to his feminine dance style and in order to conceal his actual identity and hopefully preserve his job. Stacy is better than Deep Throat, isn't it?

Bubba told me that Stacy said, after his pocket bullets lost a $2,200 pot to an inside straight draw on the river, that Jazz owner Larry Miller had both feet amputated recently. His diabetes and severe case of gout forced him, a few months ago, to turn over operations of the family businesses to his son Greg.

This rumor-ish news, along with the recent economic woes, is affecting the entire family business.

Larry H. Miller, as he is known in the SLC, made his fortune from car dealerships. With an impending forced bankruptcy of the big three U.S. automakers, auto dealerships across the nation are dropping like second gear in an automatic transmission of a 1992 Chrysler LeBaron.

Even the Utah Jazz franchise is beginning to become a drain on operational income for the family.

The Miller Empire in Utah includes movie theatres, shopping malls, minor league sports teams, and the most recent addition being a NASCAR style auto racing facility that bleeds around $200,000 per month.

The Utah Jazz investment has appreciated immensely for Larry over the years and could be the best source of enough money to bail out all the other struggling businesses.

So, according to Bubba's poker friend Stacy, who obviously gets a peek at the corporate balance sheet while waiting for his/her turn to shoot t-shirts at the cheap seats, the Utah Jazz are for sale.

BCS: Just Let the Fat Kid Play—What Are You Afraid of?

J. Michael Morris — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:53:44 -0500

The only problem with college sports is that there are just way too many teams for every team to compare themselves directly against every other team on an annual basis.

It is sort of like saying that your fifth-grade son is the finest athlete ever to kick a playground ball in your town if he only plays kickball against the kids in his neighborhood. Determining who is actually the best is impossible.

Most, if not all, professional sports leagues have solved this problem by either limiting the number of teams in an equal league or pitting champions in a head-to-head contest like the World Series. Baseball has even implemented interleague play in recent years.

This doesn't necessarily prove one team is the best, again an impossible task. What it does decide is which organization was the best at navigating the pre-determined rules of competition for a set period of time. Usually these rules happen to include some sort of playoff in the end.

I'm not sure soccer works this way, at least not internationally. But we're talking sports here, so let's leave soccer, ice dancing, and chess out of the discussion.

College basketball sort of solves this dilemma with the NCAA basketball tournament, which allows a plethora of undeserving teams to compete just to maximize the appearance of fairness and minimize whining.

College football, however, has taken the low road of determining a champion by adopting the Olympic method. This consists of an uppity committee of self-declared know-it-alls who offer their propaganda-soaked opinions of what might happen if head-to-head games were actually played.

The Southeast Elementary School kids are better coached, attract better athletes due to it being a lower income neighborhood, and traditionally produce the highest number of players to kick balls at the next level, wherever that may be. Given these undeniable truths, we can already exclude many other kids from across town.

Most college football participants prefer this over actually playing a game in order to avoid messy intangibles such as heart, motivation, unscouted high school recruits, deception, controversial coaching philosophies, or any other offensive and unfair tactic that might have been used by Boise State.

Based on these completely subjective rankings, bowl game participants are selected like fifth-grade kickball teams. They pick the fat kids last who will serve as shields and decoys for the real athletes.

The fat kids this year are the Utes. I think I heard Corso whisper to Herbstreit, "Who invited them? The BCS is our playground. I wish they'd go away and let us play with ourselves some more. I don't care how many dorks they beat at that park across town, there's no way they can compete with us. We really kicked that Hawaiian kid's butt, didn't we?"

Well, they keep showing up here because it seems it is the only place in the country where they can get a good game. They haven't been beaten in their Mountain West neighborhood, and many of the better players from the BCS neighborhoods have quit showing up at all.

So to placate the included-ness monitors of NCAA Football, we'll put them in a meaningless game against Alabama to determine who was the most overrated team invited to a BCS Bowl. Is that a shield or a decoy?

Granted, it is the highest ranked opponent a non-BCS team has ever had the chance to play in a bowl game. If Utah embarrasses the Tide like they humiliated Pitt in 2004, will the cool kids finally admit to being biased, or will they change the rules again to officially exclude WAC and Mountain West nerds forever?

Utah Jazz Coach Jerry Sloan: Tragic Protagonist

J. Michael Morris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:37:18 -0500

They say that a boy never really becomes a man until his father dies. If this is true, Jerry Sloan became a man when he was four years old. This may have been the first major disappointment in his life, but it certainly wasn’t the last.

Jerry was the first player to have his number retired by the Chicago Bulls. That came as more of a salute to his rabid underdog intimidation of opponents and a "sacrifice your personal physical health for the team" playing style in a generation that held such personality traits in high regard, than to his actual stats or athletic ability.

The physical nature of his game might have shortened a good career, but without hard picks, three-point plays, and scrappy rebounding, there is no career at all.

Christened "The Original Bull" by sportswriters, Sloan's number hangs in the rafters in Chicago like a flag for a fallen soldier of a lost war.

Despite winning an all time record of more than one thousand basketball games as coach of the small market NBA juggernaut Utah Jazz, he has never really been recognized as a success by his peers in the Coach of the Year voting.

Coach Sloan has amassed nearly as many wins as Hubie Brown, Sam Mitchell, and Gregg Popovich combined. I list those three because each has edged Sloan for the Red Auerbach Coach of the Year award in recent seasons. Sloan also has more wins than the legendary Celtics coach for which the award is named.

NBA.com doesn’t list him in their top 10, but instead has seven coaches with lower winning percentages and nine coaches with fewer total wins on its all-time NBA coaching list. I call these snubs a tragedy, but Jerry disagrees. He cares as much about his peers’ opinions as he does about his players’ feelings.

When a sportswriter asked him about the inconsistent play of 19-year old starting guard CJ Miles he said, “We can’t put diapers on him one night and a jockstrap on him the next.” He isn’t very interested in what the league thinks either. Sloan leads NBA coaches in all-time technical fouls.

Besides, tragedy would be something like your high school sweetheart dying of cancer after 41 years of marriage. Jerry publicly dealt with six years of his wife fighting cancer by getting a little misty-eyed and choked up during a press conference on the topic, starting a charity for the cause, and then going back to work.

When asked where his cornered hyena tenacity comes from, he traces it back to his father dying. From the age of four, he realized that he was on his own. "Nobody’s gonna raise you, you’ve gotta raise yourself." His mother was busy working to financially support him…and nine other siblings. His coaching style and key player choices are soaked with these philosophies.

Utah, with its small market and budget, has trouble attracting and keeping big name talent, so Jerry doesn’t bother chasing them. Many top draft options over the years have publicly stated they would never play in Salt Lake City.

This is just fine with Jerry. He would probably force a trade within one season of picking up an Allen Iverson or Dennis Rodman, both of whom were considered in trade deals at one time. He prefers to coach underdogs with something to prove to themselves and the rest of the world every night. Guys like John Stockton, Carlos Boozer, Jeff Hornacek, and Karl Malone suit his style much better.

Nobody can argue that the Utah Jazz’s coach for life, Jerry Sloan, is soft. If some ignorant fool attempted to suggest such a thing in Jerry’s presence, it would likely result in expletive decorated tirade preceding a head butt to the nose. Not that this behavior makes him any more of a man, it’s just who Jerry Sloan is.

His reputation for being a foul-mouthed, hard-nosed, no B.S. basketball coach has surprisingly endeared him to his ultra-conservative franchise owner Larry Miller. Miller, who recently turned the franchise management reigns over to his son due to illness, has rarely attended basketball games on Sunday due to his Mormon religion. He has, however, entrusted Jerry with his $350 million franchise for over 20 years, even when the fans have not.

It seems absurd that the longest tenured coach for any team in any professional sports league ever has fans who question his worthiness for such a position.

The only legitimate criticism of Jerry is that he hasn’t won an NBA championship. Twice John Stockton and Karl Malone took him to the NBA Finals, but twice they lost to Michael Jordan’s Bulls.

Immediately following these and, it seems, every season, local sports media outlets float the idea fart that it might be time for the Utah Jazz to find a new coach. Every season it smells just as bad as the offseason before. And every autumn Sloan returns to coach the Jazz, usually leading them deeper into the playoffs than anyone expects.

Jerry believes, as most people do, that his successes in life are due to his unique life experiences and he works daily to pass this knowledge to his players.

This season, Utah may have the finest collection of highly regarded individual athletes the Jazz have ever assembled; the question is whether they can be lead by a coach with the exact opposite background, values, coaching philosophies and personality, to an NBA title.

Sloan has built a life and legend on being the lunch bucket carrying coach who isn’t interested in acceptance or driven by accolades. As much as actually winning an NBA title would mean to the fans, franchise, players, and city, it would require an entire re-write of the theme of Jerry’s existence.

His life’s circumstances have shaped him positively into a man that all men wish they were.

Clint Eastwood plays this man in the movies.

There is usually redemption in the end for the protagonist in a well written movie.

Real life may not be so kind to Coach Sloan.

Avella High Football Embodies "Winners Never Quit and Quitters Never Win"

J. Michael Morris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 07:40:58 -0400

My junior high P.E. teacher had a gym full of posters with sports clichés designed to inspire the kids and teach us life lessons.

They became the students' punch line of our garage band slacker generation. "Winners never quit, and quitters never win" was one of them that we would sarcastically chant at a Friday night party if a member of the football team couldn't finish his six-pack.

I once mockingly repeated another to a friend who just crashed his motorcycle, "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger."

My favorite was, "Pain goes away—injury goes to the hospital." The ridiculousness of this statement to my adolescent view of the world was deeply offensive. Pain, this spoiled suburban child believed, is to be avoided at all costs.

Take as an example a story I recently found in the Christian Science Monitor of the Avella High School Eagles from the rural farming community of the same name in Western Pennsylvania. This same region of the country produced legends such as Johnny Unitas, Mike Ditka, Joe Namath, and Joe Montana only generations ago.

These hardened people from the steel mills, farms, and coal mines have historically been naturally endowed with football grit—but something terrible has happened in recent years.

It seems the inevitable pain of losing football games has convinced players and their parents that quitting was the best option.

The tiny school of two hundred kids has barely been able to field a football team for the last few seasons and has become the butt of football jokes in its conference.

Parents petitioned the coach to forfeit a recent game against cross-county rivals because they feared for their children's safety against such a formidable foe.

Football coaches have come and gone, all frustrated by perennially losing every game.

The Eagles have lost 26 games in a row and 50 of the last 51 games they have played.

The bleachers are thin with fans, and most of them are parents of players who have not turned their backs on the current coach—a core of players who would not give up, no matter the circumstances.

Coach Gray, a history teacher at Avella High for the last 25 years and former social worker who couldn't ignore his students' pleas not to let the program die, turned out to be exactly what these students needed.

His infamously difficult conditioning sessions were too painful for many and have resulted in just a 14-player team after nearly 40 signed up for spring tryouts. After some injuries, they had to fight just to field a team.

Some of the players quickly shed their shoulder pads at halftime to pick up instruments and march with the band. That's why they play—if there is no football team, there is no band.

A couple more injuries would have forced a forfeiture and a sanction the following season, risking suspension of the entire program if not for the head cheerleader volunteering to suit up.

Being a junior, Anastasia Barr needs a football team to cheer for next year.

When she actually got into a game as defensive back, the tiny crowd erupted into a frenzy and then almost completely lost it a few minutes later when Anastasia made a tackle. The Eagles were defeated that game 40 to 0, the lowest scoring opponent all season.

"Some of the other students think it's ridiculous that we're getting attention," the junior quarterback Jesse Noble said. "But the adults think that we're the best thing ever."

No doubt some of the students who mock the never say die attitude of the remaining players are former team members, children of parents from my generation, simply avoiding pain.

By doing so, they have successfully avoided being part of one of the most inspirational sports stories of the year.

Soar mighty Eagles!

Hope For Change Of The 2009 PGA Tour Sponsorships

J. Michael Morris — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:37:34 -0400

The 2009 PGA Tour season will have a few sponsorship changes after a financial market meltdown effectively blamed on rampant capitalist freedom. Other changes are a result of the inevitable new-era of socialism implemented by a Barack Obama administration.

As we all know, The Chosen One prefers street basketball to the golf links.

No longer will the historically privately funded and horribly aristocratic game of golf be above recognizing the social ills affecting the world. Cigar smoking Republicans in country club lounges all over the nation will soon be indicted for either tax evasion, corporate fraud, or crimes against fashion pertaining to decades of wearing plaid pants and white wingtips.

In a Kyoto agreement mandated effort to “Go Green” the Mercedes-Benz Championship will now become the Toyota Prius Hybrid Championship. Four courtesy cars will be needed per participant; one for the player, one for his wife, one for his caddy, and one for his golf bag. They also fit nicely on cart paths.

The Sony Open in Hawaii will be changed to the Barack Obama Childhood Homeland Commemorative Invitational. Michelle Wie will be granted a 10 stroke lead prior to the tournament as reparations for all the white American tourists invading and destroying native Hawaiians’ pristine paradise.

The AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am will no longer exist due to new environmental regulations prohibiting golf within 500 yards of any coastline. As we learned from Cosmo Kramer, golf balls can plug a whale’s blowhole. This minor inconvenience is certainly worth insuring the survival of an entire species by protecting migrating whale pods off the coast of California.

Northern Trust Open—A bank sponsorship with the word “trust” right in the name, I think we all know how this ends. Replaced by the new wealthiest entity in America, public education endowments.

The Honda Classic remains the same. Honda’s scooter and emergency generator divisions are doing quite well.

The Zurich Classic of New Orleans can’t find a new sponsor after the Bank of Zurich figures out that dropping $5 million on a golf tournament annually for an employee open bar at the corporate courtesy tent is not exactly wise use of investor funds. F.E.M.A. funds are tapped to bail out the event in an already depressed tourism based economy.

Investigations later find that people claiming to be PGA Tour players cashed their winnings checks in Vegas on Friday night the week of the event.

The Players Championship—Now the Playa’s Championship, site moved to Hotlanta

The U.S. Open is changed to the U.N. Open. All American players are accused of abusing fans and are banned from the course. None of the other international participants can finish their round or post a score and the entire tournament is declared a golfocide.

British Open Championship officials mock the trouble the U.S. PGA Tour is having, then immediately follow suit with the exact same issues.

The Canadian Open becomes the largest player and fan attended event of the season. 92% of those people happen to be Americans who all defect in an effort to live in the least socialist economy in North America.

The PGA Championship finally steps down as a major championship and is replaced by a game of horse between Barack Obama and Tiger Woods in the White House Gym, the highest ratings ever for this event.

The Tour Championship is held on an offshore oil rig so the players can avoid paying Obama’s higher taxes on the rich for their Fed Ex cup bonus winnings.

The Shell Houston Open goes on as scheduled due to Texas immediately seceding from the United States and finally builds an immigration fence, only it is on the northern border of Texas to protect the Bush family from prosecution at the direction of the newest Obama Supreme Court appointees.

In an effort to get back at southern whites, The Masters is renamed The Slaves. In this tournament the players are the ones who must wear white caddy bibs and carry their own golf bags while their respective caddies have a scotch on the clubhouse porch. It’s also okay for caddies to verbally and physically abuse any player who misses a putt inside four feet.

The Wachovia Championship assures all involved that it will be held as scheduled. When the players arrive their scorecards are already filled out for them and signed. Few protest due to very low scores across the board.

Tournament officials explain that rules are meant to be bent and that actually playing golf is a silly formality since they are sure each player could have shot those scores or even better if given the opportunity. Winning checks bounce and the Golf Channel blames deregulation.

For Non-BCS Football Teams Winning Is Not Enough

J. Michael Morris — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 10:59:37 -0400

Here we go again, another “woe is me” article about the inherent unfairness of the BCS system.

I promise, this is not that article.

Although it may be true that the BSC ranking model is not an equitable assessment of football team quality, life in general is not fair either.

As a football coach or player in the vast majority of the nation’s colleges and universities who does not happen to be in one of the “chosen” conferences, there is a choice to make.

You can whine about why your team doesn’t have a chance to succeed given the “broken system” or you can figure out a way to excel within the framework of the current system. Any athlete who has worked hard enough to play at the college level has surely encountered and overcome greater obstacles.

Those who allowed unfairness, hardship, physical deficiencies or an imbalance of life’s trials to divert them from success are generally not competing anymore. The bleachers are filled with whiners and excuse makers while the field is populated with those that know how to overcome opposition.

Winning all of your football games probably won’t be enough. Winning all of your football games by large point margins can help. Utah is ranked lower than BYU only due to not having a 59-0 blowout over a BCS opponent.

Winning all of your football games and having some inspirational human-interest stories on the team for media consumption, ala Colt Brennan and Hawaii, helps. Although Hawaii was completely overmatched in the BCS match-up granted them by the BCS gods, winning it would not have gained them any national champion consideration.

Winning all of your football games and your BCS bowl game like Boise State did is not enough either. Respect is built over time. Maybe another undefeated season this year will solidiy longer term respect for the Broncos.

Winning all your football games is certainly a requirement, but not a trump card.

As a player or coach in one of the “mid-major” conferences, whose obstacles to fielding a national championship deserving college football team include: lack of national exposure, deficiency of recruit interest, lower staff salaries, inadequate training facilities, smaller fan bases, and poor competitive opportunities, how can you prove that your team is the best in nation?

What the fans and national polls are looking for is reality. Like watching The First 48 instead of CSI. The writers of the story may be better on CSI but we all know the blood is ketchup and the blood on the A&E is actual human trauma.

Football fans don’t want to be fooled by another Hawaii. We should have suspected fraud after all those junk faxes promising $299 eight day/seven night vacations to Honolulu. Even in this age of college football parity, you must have a consistent, quality, winning program over several seasons to be considered a real contender.

Utah had one great season then lost Urban Meyer to the Gators and virtually disappeared.

Currently there are more non-BCS, undefeated, ranked teams this year than suspended Fighting Irish.

Although they have not lost, none have consistently and impressively disposed of credible foes.

The closest thing we have to a real contender this season is Brigham Young. Led by a second tier Heisman Trophy candidate in Junior QB Max Hall, BYU is putting up some of the best offensive numbers in the nation.

Consecutive 11 win seasons hints at consistency, but recent games against pathetic teams have been closer than they should have been.

Thursday night Brigham Young plays against a strong TCU team whose only loss so far was to Oklahoma. This is the first opportunity for BYU to become a real contender.

They must win by a wide margin or become another “see, I told you so” mid-major with delusions of grandeur.

Here is a memo to all FBS coaches in non-BCS conferences: blow-outs are necessary for national credibility.

Pre-Season College Football Hype Does Actually Matter

J. Michael Morris — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 07:37:24 -0400

For all the criticism of the BCS, there are more than a few things they do right.

One is that they refrain from ranking football teams until well into the season. BCS rankings come out on October 19th this season. Two more weeks of overrated teams exposing themselves and we'll have a pretty good grasp of this year’s college football reality.

Let me tell you what wasn't reality....ranking Tennessee....or West Virginia....or Arizona State.

That being said, the completely unbiased opinion of BCS computer algorithms only comprises 1/3 of the ingredients required to make BCS soup, the other two thirds is human opinion.

As I illustrated above with a #18 pre-season Tennessee team, human opinion is, almost by definition, flawed.

Business Marketing school teaches that customer perception is, in fact, reality as it relates to a product or service. It also only takes hearing a false statement 18 times from a reputable source in order to make it be perceived as true.

I just made that up. I didn't go to marketing school.

Read it seventeen more times though and you'll probably quote it in your next debate.

Unless you don't find me to be a credible source. I did just lie to you in order to support my opinion.

Back to the point.

ESPN has recently published a mock BCS ranking based on the two polls and five of the six computer models used by the BCS.

Some examples of differences that occur between this projection and current AP rankings are that Vanderbilt is at #8 and Utah is ranked #9.

Question:

What do Vanderbilt and Utah have in common that is exclusive of the other top 10 teams?

Answer:

They both suffer from low pre-season expectations from human prognosticators because of relatively stinky 2007 seasons.

Of course a computer doesn't remember last season or have a sense of smell.

Sure those undefeated records may not last long, but let's give them their 15 minutes of fame. Winning all your football games is getting harder every year.

This raises another question:

Are rankings supposed to be a current evaluation of which teams have played well up to this point in the schedule, or a predictor of how they will likely finish the season?

In my opinion, the latter should never be considered when ranking teams.

In order to be ranked highly, ever, you need a large amount of pre-season hype.

For example, the USC Trojans have lost one game to Oregon State, a very marginal team, and are ranked #8. The expectation is that they will finish the season as one of the top 5 teams.

If USC had started the season un-ranked, the Ohio State win might have bumped them up to a top 20ish ranking and then an Oregon State “see, I told you so” loss would have made them quickly disappear.

TCU has lost one game to #1 ranked Oklahoma, not really a "see, I told you so" loss, and won 5 other games, to admittedly poor teams, where the outcome was never in doubt, but is currently completely out of the top 25.

The expectation is that they will likely lose to other good in-conference foes. TCU's problem is that they belong to that pesky MWC conference. There could never be three decent Mountain West teams, could there?

For those of you who don’t care about MWC teams getting reamed by the media, which is probably everyone, I have another example of expectations being considered more important than reality by pollsters.

Alabama is #1 in almost all the currently ignored computer rankings. What was the pre-season impression we all had of Nick Saban’s Crimson Tide? It was negative. Maybe we needed to be told what a great coach and upstanding, honest man Nick Saban is 18 times.

I know it is no fun for fans when the art of expert opinion turns into the science of statistical reasoning, but I am eagerly anticipating the BCS poll coming out. So until rankings are totally comprised of completely unbiased data, under appreciated schools really need to work on their marketing and public relations.

I envision a day when the Head Athletics Marketing position at a university pays as much Head Football Coach.

One Last Chance for Chicago Cubs

J. Michael Morris — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 09:09:19 -0400

There was a time when all that mattered to a 13-year-old boy was watching the Chicago Cubs play baseball on television.

Although he couldn’t have even found Illinois with a yet-to-be invented GPS navigational device, he scheduled each of his lonely summer days, after moving to a new town, around WGN’s home-game coverage.

The kid grew up playing several sports with his father and siblings, but they were all suddenly too busy to bother.

Anyone who has spent a summer in the oven of Phoenix or Las Vegas understands that you don’t just go outside during the day. Television programming in the afternoon was primarily soap operas and infomercials.

Before there were professional teams in the desert, the MLB Season Packages on satellite, or 64 ESPN channels, there was WGN.

Even though there were much closer professional baseball teams; Padres, Angels, and Dodgers broadcasts were only available on AM radio at night. Sports websites and text-message updates from ESPN mobile were just a degenerate gambler’s science-fiction dream.

I don’t know which marketing genius inside the Wrigley Gum Network decided to broadcast a local Chicago station with regional professional sports coverage to every basic cable system of the barely inhabited desert southwest, but it worked.

Andre Dawson dingers (as we used to say) over the ivy had this boy jumping off the couch, arms in the air, mimicking the umpire’s round trip signal. Dunston-to-Sandberg-to-Grace double plays inspired a few holes in his bedroom wall when he attempted to “turn two” to an imaginary first baseman.

It even had him learning baseball history and sports writing through comparisons to Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance double plays.

He bought a goofy, red, white, and blue baseball cap with a cartoon bear on it at the mall and wore it everywhere, except to church on Sunday.

He gave each weeks’ allowance to the Fleer, Donruss, Upper Deck, and Tops Corporations. But to him, all the cards were “commons” unless the player was wearing a Cubs uniform.

Sports fandom knows of no more faithful a soldier than a junior-high boy.

Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card?

He’d trade it for a Greg Maddux or Vance Law just to complete a team set.

It was good times for Chicago Cubs fans. Players like “wild thing” Mitch Williams, who once took a line drive off his temple, made headlines and racked up wins. Jerome Walton won Rookie of the Year by stealing bases and pushing up the Jerome-O-Meter.

What he hadn’t heard about, or more probably ignored, was the reputation Chicago had of being “lovable losers” or a silly superstitious curse. There was hope that each game and postseason would be the one where they finally lived up to their potential.

He eventually made some friends when school started, and the next five summers were spent skateboarding and swimming at the lake instead of listening to Harry Carey slobber through the seventh-inning stretch.

As years went on and as the Baby Bears baseball team continuously stumbled each September and October, so did their self-declared biggest fan’s interest.

Sure, he would check a box score whenever he happened across a sports page in McDonald’s, but he could hardly call himself a fan.

Other sports and sporty girls were better at keeping his attention. All those years of hopeful build-up, soon followed by heart-breaking frustration and letdown, too closely mirrored his experiences with the opposite sex to be positively formative.

Years later, there was a renewed interest in a Dominican home-run hitter chasing history, until...well we won’t re-hash all that...too painful.

A few more years down the road found him spending a nostalgic day sorting out those baseball-card albums, painfully deciding what put into his parents’ dumpster and what would just end up gathering more dust in the garage of his first home.

Still later, the Cubs, and unfortunately Major League Baseball, lost him as a fan forever when even Boston won a World Series.

That boy now has four kids of his own and hasn’t watched an entire baseball game in years. Although he has made his living by working in various sports industries, baseball has never been one of them.

He signs his kids up for soccer and golf every spring instead of little-league baseball. He couldn’t even find his old ball glove when the chef at his work signed him up for the company softball team.

He decided, years ago, that like a drug addict, Chicago needed every single one of their co-dependent fans to withdraw all love and support in order to allow the franchise to finally hit rock-bottom.

Ideally, for the Cubs team, they might finally accept reality and maybe Mark Cuban or someone who actually wants to win will give the franchise a fresh start. Just like an intervention, without the finality of this profoundly depressing notion, nothing would really be done to turn around the organization.

Then, about a month ago, he accidentally DVR’d Baseball Tonight instead of a college football game. The segment opened with a story about Alfonso Soriano and a Japanese right fielder, also with an unpronounceable name. It went on to talk about a recent no-hitter by the Cubs' ace starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano.

Before he could stop and delete this mistake, a long-ago and deeply ingrained memory response flashed across the nostalgia lobe of his brain. He couldn’t immediately care though, due to an even stronger defense mechanism, constructed of scar tissue to avoid more pain, which halted that foolish instinct.

He didn't choose this life or this team. He really had no chance; WGN was his only option.

Now, kids can not only choose from way too many televised games, but they also can follow any game or team online. It is encouraging to know that through technology, this terrible cycle of fan abuse can end.

You could call him a fair-weather fan of the Cubs, but that would be like calling Tina Turner a fair-weather wife of Ike.

Just like that perpetually abused spouse, he will be back for the playoffs just this one more time, with the hope that things really have changed.

This time around, there is much more at stake.

This time he will be watching it with his seven-year-old son.

Utah-Oregon State: Thursday Night Lights for Interesting Matchup

J. Michael Morris — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:32:10 -0400

Another potentially exciting Thursday night game is scheduled on the Versus network this week.

The Trojan-slaying Oregon State Beavers meet potential BCS Buster No. 15 Utah. Yes, the Utes' mascot is Joe Pesci in an Armani suit.

As much as we all would like to believe that scoreboards answer questions, sometimes they create more. Here are the future questions we will inevitably be discussing after the game.

If Oregon State Wins

1. Will the Beavers be ranked?

The Beavs will have beat No. 1 and No. 15 in consecutive weeks. OSU began the season by losing to Stanford and what we now know is a very good Penn State team. Only Stanford is an embarrassing loss. Wisconsin and Florida have embarrassing losses and are still ranked without any impressive wins.

2. Can you rank a two-loss Pac-10 (or any conference) team this early in the season? Certainly there will be many by the end of the season.

3. Does Utah fall completely out of the top 25?

They really haven't beat anyone of national consequence since sneaking by Michigan opening weekend. Then again, neither have most of the SEC schools.

If Utah Wins

1. Will Utah be ranked ahead of Mountain West Conference rival BYU, assuming they also win against hapless Utah State on Friday?

This would make sense, since the Utes have had non-conference games against presumably better teams. BYU has beaten UCLA and Washington. Utah will have beaten Michigan and Oregon State. In fact, without silly preseason expectations and the huge margins of victory in BYU's last two games, Utah would be ranked higher right now.

2. Have two teams from Utah or even the Mountain West ever been ranked in the top 10 in the same season? I don't even think two teams from the MWC have been ranked in the top 25.

3. Can bowl game host cities make a profit if half the fans don't buy alcohol? As we know from many of the comments here at Bleacher Report, College Football economics and fandom are fueled primarily by booze.

The FedEx Cup: The Worst $10 Million Ever Spent

J. Michael Morris — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 18:11:11 -0400

The PGA Tour's Fed Ex Cup race is over.

Thank goodness.

Vijay Singh won the $10 million first prize by finishing 22nd in the tour championship, out of 30 players invited. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

There was almost some drama in the event.

A repeat match-up from last Sunday of perpetual choke artist Sergio Garcia and current "the next Tiger Woods challenger" bandwagon driver Anthony Kim happened on Saturday. I foolishly expected to see some trash talking and fist pumping.

Let me put it this way, the highlight reel featured a spectator being taken off on a stretcher after taking one of Kim's tee shots to the dome.

I thought the stretcher looked comfortable and kept thinking how the fan was probably faking it so he could go home and watch football.

This dream pairing resulted in Garcia pulling ahead by three shots, only to give them all back on Sunday and lose in a playoff to Camilo Villegas. But this was only for the tour championship, not for the Fed Ex Cup.

There were actual dreams occurring all over the world during this event.

Vijay won two of the other less competitive events earlier and built up an insurmountable lead in the points race. He only had to finish his round and sign his scorecard this week to take the Fed Ex Cup. And in true end of the season fashion, he phoned it in.

If Federal Express doesn't fire someone in their marketing department over this colossal waste of money, I may have to use the US Post Office to mail my complaints to the PGA Tour.

The Tour is going to have a tough sales job on their hands trying to convince another sponsor to flush so much money on zero ratings events.

Who is the next horribly managed corporate entity that could possibly look at this debacle as effective marketing? Maybe they can call it the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac Cup when the Fed Ex contract expires.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Phil missed a putt to get in the playoff too. Typical.

Can I just pretend the season ended with the Americans bringing home Samuel Ryder's Cup last week?

Does the BCS Need a Bailout After the Collapse of USC?

J. Michael Morris — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 07:00:29 -0400

The nation's finest football team, USC, has collapsed overnight.

This meltdown has sent the college football markets into a state of confusion.

Until last night, almost none of the anointed college football ranking minds believed it was possible. In the most recent AP Poll, 62 of the 65 voting members had USC as the No. 1 team in the nation. Every ESPN analyst agreed, except Lou Holtz, who still thinks the Irish are playin' possum.

Earlier in the season several other big-time programs failed to deliver on promises to fans, and more disappointments are sure to follow. None will be as big or damaging to the country as the University of Southern California failing.

There is plenty of blame to go around, from Steve Sarkisian, the less than mediocre former BYU quarterback who convinced Pete Carroll he was better than his teacher Norm Chow, to Pete Carroll himself. A finger can also be pointed towards the former Heisman Trophy candidate Mark Sanchez and Joe "pigskin feels slippery to me" McKnight.

And where was the Ray Maualuga insurance policy that was purchased to protect the end zone? USC fans failed to read the fine print.

We can also legitimately feel animosity towards a failed BCS system that artificially props up the paper value of its owned football team assets and then works hard to sell these fixer-uppers with a fresh coat of paint to the unsuspecting public. Cheerleaders help ease the pain of being scammed.

The value of a football team is based on the relative value of the "comps," or closest comparisons. When Pac-10 teams are massively devalued by ESPN and AP because their loss "comps" occur in a non-BCS, non-ESPN contracted neighborhood like the Mountain West, it affects the resale value of their own teams after an in-conference upset.

Some radicals may say that the media made this bed of nails, and now they must lie in it.

Passing blame is not going to help get the nation's college football system back on it's feet. I suggest an alternative solution.

With this shocking instability in the college football market and the revealed collective incompetence of ranking regulators, is a complete BCS collapse possible?

In my opinion, the NCAA should implement emergency rule changes to retroactively make USC touchdowns worth 20 points each instead of the traditional measly six.

This simple adjustment to the regulations in football would quickly restore order and confidence in the national rankings. It may hurt some of the lesser Oregon State fans temporarily, but it is necessary to stabilize all college athletic programs.

We all know that the revenue from college football programs funds the rest of the athletics programs and even many academic programs.

An implosion of this institution signals an eventual failure of the American higher education system and eventually civilized humanity itself.

If no West Coast team is eligible to play in the Rose Bowl, parade entries could dwindle, destroying the flower farming and glue industries.

Without my proposed USC bailout being accepted by fans of all teams and conferences, Southern California fans will lose optimism and cease purchasing airline tickets to follow their team around the country. The airline, hotel, restaurant, and alcohol companies will immediately begin laying off workers.

Fan faith in the sports gods in Bristol will be shaken, and subscriptions to all 238 ESPN channels will dwindle. Stuart Scott wouldn't be able to afford new glasses.

This shame of possibly being taken over by LSU, Georgia, or Oklahoma is almost unbearable. No longer will Trojan fans drive Bentleys with USC Alumni license plate holders. The worldwide sports economy fallout from this reality will touch every human life.

Kirk Herbstreit will attempt to bring Ohio State back into the BCS discussion.

Dogs and cats, living together...

MASS HYSTERIA!!!

Captain Azinger and the U.S. Ryder Cup Team "Flip the Script" on the Euros

J. Michael Morris — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 07:53:46 -0400

Captain Paul Azinger's Ryder Cup leadership has been successful. The U.S. Team won Samuel Ryder's Cup by a final margin of five points.

Although many of the matches were far closer than this result may imply, there was little doubt on Sunday as to what the outcome would be.

The day began with the formerly feared Sergio Garcia teeing off for the Europeans against the Americans' brash rookie Anthony Kim.

Kim shut him out with four holes to play, a shocking margin for this level of competition. Sergio may never recover from this monumental humiliation.

Throughout the match, Kim ignored potential gimmes for Sergio Garcia after the latter strategically feigned goodwill on the first hole by conceding a birdie putt. Kim didn't fall for it and ended-up tripping up Garcia late in the round when Sergio missed a very short putt to halve a hole.

Kim also vocally questioned a potential relief ruling for Garcia, which ultimately became an unplayable lie penalty drop and victorious hole for Kim. Sergio was also out-driven all day by Kim. If all these things didn't get under the skin of Sergio they certainly did draw the television commentators' attention.

Kim's aggressive play and crowd encouragement became a beacon to focus his teammates' efforts. The eventual victory by Kim portended the unstoppable momentum generated by the U.S. players.

Nearly all losses on the day, from both sides, were suffered by Ryder Cup veterans. Justin Leonard, Phil Mickelson, Stewart Cink and Steve Stricker all lost their matches for the U.S. Team.

Of those, only the 41 year-old, 18-season tour veteran Steve Stricker was making his Ryder Cup debut. From the European side, Oliver Wilson, Graham McDowell, and Justin Rose, all Ryder Cup rookies, won their singles matches.

A very similar story, only the inverse, could have been written about the 2002 European Team's victory at the Belfry.

It seems from recent history that having experience in the Ryder cup can be a detriment to success, rather than an advantage.

Given this assumption, one could conclude that the winning formula for this type of competition is weighted with emotion and excitement, as opposed to the experience and levelheadedness required in the standard stroke play competition spread over four rounds.

Paul Azinger recognized this anomaly of professional golf and chose his picks accordingly. He should be commended for his foresight and leadership. In fact, the entire Ryder Cup points system might be changed in order to favor recent performance and youth.

As for the Kentucky golf fans, please attend more golf events nationwide and help the sport overcome its uppity, quiet and reserved image. Phoenix has some of these great crowds also.

Professional athletes of any sport should be able to play through cheering crowds and not throw hissy-fits about camera clicks in their backswing. Who's camera clicks anymore? Don't even professional photographers use digital cameras?

Anthony Kim has, in one season, become golf's new hope to challenge Tiger Woods. Look at the photo above, it's a right jab counter-punch designed specifically to pre-empt Tiger's inside uppercut. I can't wait to see these two head-to-head on Sunday afternoon for the next 10 years.

I also can't wait for Kenny Perry, Stewart Cink, Steve Stricker and Jim Furyk to retire to the anonymity of the Senior PGA Tour. Even Phil Mickelson looked past his prime and certainly in no shape for a title fight.

Photo courtesy of canoe.ca

Paul Azinger and Nick Faldo, Can't We All Just Get Along?

J. Michael Morris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 12:23:24 -0400

The Ryder Cup begins tomorrow at Valhalla Golf Club in Louisville, Ky.

Valhalla was designed by Jack Nicklaus and named for a mythological, majestic, enormous hall ruled over by the god Odin. Chosen by Odin, those that die in combat travel to Valhalla upon death, led by Valkyries. There, they join the masses of the dead who have died in combat and I don't care.

Tiger isn't playing, so there will be a big asterisk engraved into the Cup if the Europeans win anyway.

The U.S. team is full of very content multi-millionaires with beautiful families who fly around the world in their private jets playing golf while someone carries their bag and holds an umbrella for them on rainy days.

I can really identify with this struggle, can't you?

I mean what's the point, really? Why is winning a silly team golf event so important? Is it some sort of overly competitive bully mentality of narrow-minded American sports fans who were raised watching the low-brow brutality of football instead of the finesse and strategy of soccer?

I like Europe and the people who call it home. Why would I want them to lose? Nick Faldo and his players are only defending what is rightfully theirs.

I'm sure they would rather not have to protect their property from pillaging Americans, but this is a fight they just can't run from.

The media has tried now for many years to trump up some sort of nationalistic pride in this ridiculous competition. Americans have none, since George Bush started that illegal war, and the Europeans are all from different countries, so who exactly can we defend the flag against?

What unifies the European Ryder Cup team is a disdain for Americans.

The problem is that we, the U.S. Americans, generally dislike ourselves.

What is there to like? We use an imbalanced amount of the world's natural resources while children in Third World countries die from mosquitoes carrying malaria. The arrogant leaders of our egocentric nation often abuse smaller nations with military threats and covert CIA operations.

There really is nothing that makes me want to win this competition. Phil Mickelson is a fat, lazy underachiever like most Americans and Kenny Perry is an old, white, southern redneck who dresses funny. I wish they weren't on my team, but like electing Dick Cheney, we made our beds and now we have to sleep in them.

The U.S. Team has a guy named Boo and a few other overgrown country club kids who probably drove a Porsche in high-school and occasionally popped the collar of their Polo shirt while walking the halls.

Even Anthony Kim has a bit of a Southern California accent. Justin and Hunter are not really guys you can see fighting for anything. Suing yes, fighting no.

None of these one-dimensional personalities would have the culture or creativity to design his own clothing line like Ian Poulter does. Diversification of interest is a sign of intelligence. I really love that the Europeans can become a cohesive team regardless of their different cultures and diverse lifestyles.

I welcome another U.S. loss, because there is nothing for me to be proud of as a citizen of the U.S. Compared to enlightened European thought, our country is bass-ackwards and unsophisticated. Nobody here even recognizes the beauty of soccer.

NASCAR fans don't even realize trained monkeys could drive a car in a constant left turn. It's a complete joke compared to the Formula 1 skill set.

Home foreclosures, the mortgage meltdown and racist election politics have me wishing I lived somewhere where people have a little more respect multiculturalism and an appreciation for the inherent travesty of the human condition.

I propose that we not keep score at all. Captain Azinger, have a little sensitivity and shake Captain Faldo's hand in forfeiture now. The last thing we need is more hostility and anger from undereducated southern rednecks in Kentucky directed across the Atlantic.

In some cultures, the humiliation of a public defeat can justify invasion. The blood of our troops will be on your hands if the U.S. wins.

BYU to UCLA, Pac-10, BCS, ESPN and AP: FU

J. Michael Morris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 10:58:33 -0400

After looking at the AP rankings, watching Tennessee volunteer to get kicked in the groin by Rick Neuheisel, and seeing Washington quarterback Jake Locker nearly stage a classic comeback two weeks ago, I decided to write an article about how great the Pac-10 is.

I spouted off about how USC would destroy Ohio St. and then even picked UCLA to win against BYU. What I didn't consider in the article is that USC was only going to play a lowly Big Ten team (like the one Utah abused earlier in the season), but many of the other Pac-10 teams weren't.

This is my official apology: It will never happen again.

Okay, maybe just once more—but this time it is for the Mountain West Conference. Wow, they're really good. Why aren't they a BCS conference?

They went 7-1 on Saturday with only pathetic San Diego State losing. Better, though, is that MWC schools were 4-0 against the Pac-10 and completely ruined both Arizona State's and UCLA's football seasons.

SEC fans can thank them later, maybe by scheduling some games against them. I think this is the real image problem with both conferences.

The Pac-10 often plays Mountain West Schools because they are geographically close and share some media markets. But the PAC-10 schools think that MWC football teams are the mentally challenged little brother of BCS conferences.

It helps nobody to be pummeled by shortbus football teams. If the Pac-10 was honest about how good the MWC actually is, these annual beatdowns wouldn't hurt quite so bad.

The Mountain West, for those of you who don't watch anything but ESPN, is a football conference in flyover country with a 15-5 non-conference record so far this season, which includes a 5-0 record against Pac-10 schools.

The top teams in the MWC are arguably as good as any in the country, with No. 11 BYU, No. 20 Utah, and TCU, who should be ranked but fall around No. 27 in the AP. That's better than the Pac-10, Big East, or ACC.

The reason you don't know this is that they actually started their own television network instead of bending over to the boys from Bristol. It's called the Mountain Network.

Good luck finding it unless you have the $239 per month, every channel in existence package.

The Mountain network has terrible commentary and worse camera work, YouTube quality local commercials, and pretty good ratings on Saturday in the fall. They play the MWC games that Fox Sport Rocky Mountain and ESPN won't—basically all of them.

I know, football games aren't played by conferences, so let's talk about teams.

BYU humiliated UCLA on Saturday and in the process made Lee Corso, who picked UCLA (like I did) to win, pretend that Alzheimer's was setting in. Maybe he wasn't pretending?

Seriously though, that game might have been 100 to nothing if Urban Meyer was coaching instead of Bronco Mendenhall. Max Hall tied the school record with seven touchdowns thrown and then came out of the game with almost eight minutes left IN THE THIRD QUARTER!

This performance snagged an NCAA Offensive Player of the Week honor. BYU's third string defense shut out UCLA for the entire fourth quarter.

Mormons do have sympathy for the less fortunate.

No, Norm Chow and Rick Neuheisel didn't quit trying to score. Are you kidding? I think Rick was punishing his starters by never taking them out. In fact, UCLA missed a late fourth quarter field-goal attempt. Oh yeah, BYU blocked an earlier attempt from inside the 20 without controversy.

Utah rolled the worst team in college football at Utah State. TCU beat Stanford, Air Force beat Houston, New Mexico gave Arizona its first loss, and highly touted Arizona State lost to UNLV, arguably the worst MWC team.

Don't worry though, with non-conference play all but over for the season, ESPN and the rest of the nation can return to ignoring the Mountain West. The BCS schools can get back to playing with themselves to determine a champion.

Unless you live in the high desert Rocky Mountains, the next MWC team you'll see will probably be playing in the Rose Bowl in January.

Photo courtesy of LA Times and a completely overmatched cornerback.

Pac-10 Schools Will Prove Nationwide Dominance in Week 3

J. Michael Morris — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 12:28:17 -0400

Four Pac-10 schools are currently ranked in the Top 25. I believe that after this weekend, all four will improve their national standings and an additional team will be added to the rankings. Let's start with the easy ones:

No. 23 Cal at Maryland

The Cal Berkley Bears could beat Maryland without even changing out of their Birkenstock sandals.

They do have to travel all the way across the nation to play, but after beating Michigan State and scoring 66 points against a hapless Washington State team last week, I am convinced they know how to play football, something I can't convince myself of about Maryland yet.

How can you tell anything about Maryland's strength after only beating Delaware and then losing to Middle Tennessee? Take a cupcake in each hand, smash them together, then look at your hands and try to tell me which one was stronger.

No. 16 Oregon at Purdue

Is it possible there could be enough game-time for me to pick the over with the line at 100?

The Ducks currently have the nation's top-ranked offense and Purdue, who actually has a decent offense also, is working on a 15-game losing streak against ranked opponents.

No. 15 Arizona State hosts UNLV

This will be the third lopsided victory of the season for Arizona State. I hope they're learning something against these practice teams, because the Georgia Bulldogs come to town in Week 4, followed by Cal, USC, and Oregon.

No reason not to move them up a little after another winning week, though. Now for the two games that will define the relative strength of this conference:

No. 1 USC hosts No. 5 Ohio State

After last week, I can't find one sane person who thinks the Buckeyes can keep this close. In fact, I am using this question to screen football fans for mental health.

Even Ohio State fans say, "I hope Tressel can figure something out" or "maybe Beanie Wells was playing possum so they couldn't scout him." Forget the No. 5 ranking, if the Trojans lose this game, it will be considered a huge upset.

Finally...

UCLA at No. 18 Brigham Young

I can't see BYU winning this game if the same team that beat Tennessee two weeks ago shows up in Provo Saturday. The Bruins have had two weeks to prepare for this game and will exploit the weaknesses in the Cougar secondary that were revealed against Washington.

UCLA beat BYU last season and played them again in the Las Vegas Bowl, where they had a last second, game-winning field goal blocked. The difference this season is that Norm Chow knows more about Bronco Mendenhall than Bronco's wife does.

When UCLA does win, they will have beat two ranked teams in the first two games of 2008 and be rightfully ranked somewhere in the 20s.

Assuming this happens, it will make five ranked Pac-10 teams after three weeks of football, which is half of the entire conference. Only three of these teams started the season ranked.

Since it is much more difficult to move into the top 25 than it is to move out of it, does this make the Pac-10 the strongest conference, top to bottom, in college football?

No. 5 Ohio State vs. No. 1 USC (California) Preview

J. Michael Morris — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 11:23:07 -0400

Finally, this Saturday we get to witness the much anticipated epic struggle pitting the farmboys and factory workers' sons of Ohio State against the gang members and trust fund surfers of USC.

There is nothing I want more than to see the metrosexuals at movie extra college of California lose a few glowing white veneer teeth and have the blue and green color of bruise show through their beautiful beach tans.

Unfortunately for college football fans, USC is going to win by 50.

Let me suggest a few other games you may be able to watch on Saturday that will be more competitive and much more interesting:

No. 23 California at Maryland Louisiana-Lafayette at No. 24 Illinois Southern Illinois at Northwestern Florida Atlantic at Michigan State Montana State at Minnesota Navy at Duke North Carolina State at Clemson Temple at Buffalo Iowa State at Iowa Nevada at No. 6 Missouri Washington State at Baylor UAB at Tennessee Ball State at Akron Toledo at Eastern Michigan Central Michigan at Ohio Delaware State at Kent State No. 14 East Carolina at Tulane Charleston Southern at Miami (OH) North Dakota State at Wyoming No. 2 Georgia at South Carolina Arkansas at No. 8 Texas No. 16 Oregon at Purdue No. 17 Penn State at Syracuse UCLA at No. 18 Brigham Young Michigan at Notre Dame Air Force at Houston Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech Chattanooga at Florida State Hawaii at Oregon State Western Michigan at Idaho No. 9 Auburn at Mississippi State Western Kentucky at No. 11 Alabama Southern Methodist at No. 12 Texas Tech Middle Tennessee at Kentucky Samford at Mississippi New Mexico State at Nebraska Rice at Vanderbilt Memphis at Marshall Southern Miss at Arkansas State Alabama A&M at Louisiana-Monroe Stanford at TCU Alcorn State at Troy Missouri State at Oklahoma State Virginia at Connecticut No. 3 Oklahoma at Washington North Texas at No. 7 LSU No. 22 Utah at Utah State San Diego State at San Jose State Bowling Green at Boise State Arizona at New Mexico UNLV at No. 15 Arizona State No. 10 Wisconsin at No. 21 Fresno State...

I think that's all of 'em.

BYU Won, Washington Lost, The Call Was Correct, Get Over It

J. Michael Morris — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:07:26 -0400

Why does the media always over-react to minor controversies?

The big College Football story all over ESPN Saturday was about an excessive celebration penalty against Washington with two seconds left on the clock. BYU, who was ranked No. 15 in the nation, ended up winning the game by one point.

Mark May and Lou Holtz were practically beside themselves about this official actually calling what was clearly demonstrated, with multiple replays, to be against the letter of the law.

Washington's fantastic QB Jake Locker made a scrambling touchdown run and then threw the ball into the air after the touchdown. The hometown PAC-10 officials flagged him for excessive celebration as the rule is written and moved the PAT attempt back 15 yards where BYU blocked it.

First of all, this call did not decide the game.

It made the unlikely comeback story a little more difficult to write, but that extra point should have been made by Washington to force overtime.

Even if it was not blocked, it only would have forced overtime, not won the game. Washington would never have gone for two at home against a team that couldn't win non-conference games on the road either, they were doing the right thing, playing for overtime.

How can someone determine that this call, ahead of any other during the game, is the one that decides the outcome? I saw a flag for hitting a player out of bounds in the first quarter against the Cougars that was very questionable. It gave the Huskies a first down midfield instead of fourth and three on about their own 40-yard line. Timing of the call is unimportant.

Nobody wants to win, or lose this way.

Except Wake Forest, who used a questionable pass interference call to win the game against Ole Miss. Their kicker can make a 35-yard field goal and their offensive line can keep it from being blocked. That's why they won the game and why Washington lost.

I, as a fan of good football games, feel a little slighted that there wasn't overtime. It was a close game with great athletes on both sides of the ball—it could have gone on all day if I had my choice.

But, this isn't about me, because I would also like to see more fistfights in hockey, the occasional Icky Shuffle in the end-zone, and multiple streakers with their socks on about twice a quarter.

Finally, it is a stupid rule, so change it.

What can't happen is what all the pundits are suggesting: don't enforce certain rules in certain situations if it might "decide the game".

If college football wants it's officials to lose all credibility and be compared to NBA officials, do exactly that. In the NBA there is always a judgement call about which superstars can and can't travel.

Or at what point of a game it is okay to take a charge. Game seven of a NBA playoff series is played much rougher than mid-season games and the officials allow it.

The fastest way to destroy the legitimacy of a sport is to make it subjective. Think of BCS rankings compared to a playoff, one is subjective, one is not.

If a rule is clearly broken, no matter the relative importance of the situation, it must be enforced. This time BYU came out on top, and if the referees continue to call the game objectively, the law of averages dictates that next time Washington will.