Bleacher Report - Articles by RedSox Maniac

Fantasy Quickie: Justin Masterson Is Your Man

RedSox Maniac — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 03:53:29 -0400

For most of you out there, the fantasy baseball regular season is coming to and end. You either are part of leagues that duke it out until the last game of the season, or your league separates the elite into playoff brackets to determine the baseball nerd of the year amongst your friends.

Well, if your team is having trouble winning pitching stats, or if you somehow still have Fransisco Liriano on your roster, perhaps I can suggest an under-the-radar pickup to give your team a boost.

And now I present to you:

Justin Masterson

(crowd cheers)

Wait a minute! This guy has a 4+ ERA, and has barely been a starter all year!

Hey, let me get my point across! What is this, a town meeting on health care?!?

Stint With Red Sox

Masterson's stats most of the year are irrelevant due to his lack of use during his tenure with the Red Sox. While "The Nation" was toying with Smoltz and Penny, Masterson was relegated to bullpen duty.

His relieving stats were mediocre, but it was also due to the depth of the Red Sox bullpen, and the fact that Masterson can be best utilized in long-relief. Because of these situations, Masterson barely pitched two times a week. He was on mound almost as much as you attended your college classes (zing!).

For most of his stint in Boston in 2009, he was pitching without much repetition, and it showed in some of his appearances. If you take away his June 30 stint against Baltimore, and his July 11th stint against Kansas City (which were his two worst appearances) and his ERA for 2009 is 3.44

As a starter, he has a 4.59 ERA, but you take out the Minnesota game where he was shelled last week, and the ERA comes to 3.74.

And this is all from a pitcher who hasn't had a regular routine in his entire major league career. This year is also following a 2008 campaign where as a starter:

54 Innings, 40 hits, 3.67 Earned Run Average

These meathead stats don't tell the whole story.

Justin Masterson's Stuff

If I could relate how good Masterson is and will be, I could only compare him to a non-wild version of Jeff Nelson, with a rubber arm to boot.

Although the Red Sox organization didn't perceive much beyond a No. 3 starter or a dominant reliever, when you watch this guy pitch, you know he can be the real deal.

He has plus pitches across the board, and throws them at multiple release angles (usually the highest being three-quarters). His fastball dances between 89-94. He has great command not only of the fastball and the different speeds, but can throw his fastballs for strikes on the inside corner.

He also has a very good slider, and combined with his sinking fastball, can make almost any hitter look absolutely silly. One of his cons is that he will get wild with this pitch and hang it from time to time, but he has already shown he can control this pitch and make it work to get strikeouts and ground balls.

These two pitches, along with his arm angles and multiple speeds, makes him seem to have seven-eight different pitches to run at a batter. Along with his seldom-used changeup, he has the stuff to become one of the most dominant pitchers in the American League.

If you happen to find Masterson on the waiver wire, you would be foolish not to pick him up. Expect him to get at least five more wins before the season is over, and expect him to have all very good starts before the cleats have to be put away.

For you Indians fans, who wept over the loss of Victor Martinez, wait. You will soon be blessed with an electric pitcher who has the stuff and the guile to propel your team back into AL Central contention. Just one word of advice: Keep the girls off of him, he's already taken. Hopefully taken into your mixed-league roster.

NFL Playoff Scenarios ( Humor / Funny )

RedSox Maniac — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 06:19:31 -0500

Coming down to the wire, many teams in NFL are still in the hunt for the playoffs. Since so many games and tiebreakers will come into play this Sunday, I have gathered all the scenarios and situations that can help certain teams get into the postseason. This is the most comprehensive list you will find on the internet, so please pass this on to your friends who are bewildered by the whole situation.

Chicago Bears, Carolina Panthers Front-Runners

The Chicago Bears have been scratching and clawing their way to the post-season all year, but a little-known NFL clause automatically puts them into the playoffs.

The Less-Than-Mediocre-QB-With-Great-Defensive-Team-Going-To-The-Superbowl rule states that a team ( or teams ) should go to the playoffs if they have a horrible quarterback that the defensive squad has to save constantly to continue a great season.

Kyle Orton was notified of the rule, and was ecstatic.

"I try my best to the absolute bare minimum for my team," says Orton, as he watches old Rex Grossman games from the 2006 season. Pointing at the video screen, he whispers, "You don't know how much I emulate Rex. The overthrows, the red zone hiccups. No one does it better."

Lance Briggs praises Kyle Orton's shortcomings

"In practice, we don't even run offensive plays anymore", says Briggs. "We just have Orton throw the ball to our defense, and we come up with schemes of how to score touchdowns off of interceptions. If it wasn't for Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman, we would never have enough practice to be able to score more than the offensive squad. They are a blessing in disguise."

The Carolina Panthers are infuriated with the swagger of offensive lousiness that the Bears have been showing off this year.

"I'm worse than Kyle Orton! I deserve to go to the Super Bowl," spouts a heated Jake Delhomme, carrying scouting videos of Shaun King, Akili Smith, Quincy Carter, and Steve Bono into the media room.

"If it wasn't for Steve Smith, my passer rating would be 23.5. I think the Bears should watch out, because there are other great defensive teams with horrible quarterbacks. If we meet in the playoffs, and I throw 7 picks, they will know who the real Super Bowl champion will be."

The Bill Belichick Clause

Because Roger Goodell felt a little sad from the harsh punishment given to Bill Belichick for the Spygate scandal, he inserted a Bill Belichick clause, whereby the Patriots can make the playoffs if they win against the Buffalo Bills on Sunday, and Belichick must wear an Old Navy baby blue turtleneck sweater.

Roger Goodell talks about the clause.

"Spygate was overblown, so we added this in with the rule committee," says Goodell. "At the same time, we had to enforce a change on Belichick's wardrobe. It was getting out of hand. At one point, we had to force him to stay in the locker room because he was planning to come out a 70's disco shirt, stone-washed jeans, combat boots, and earmuffs!"

Asked why they choose the turtleneck sweater, Roger Goodell tries to hold back his chuckles.

"It would be the most hilarious thing to ever witness! Bill Belichick calling a safety blitz wearing that outfit. C'mon! Youtube would be shut down, there be so many people looking for the replay."

Bill Belichick, a man of few cliches, replies to the clause.

"Our team's job is to look at the season game-by-game. We will go back and look at video of other game's to see what my wardrobe is, and prepare for Sunday's game. The Buffalo Bills are an amazing team. The sky is blue, two plus two is four, and my name is Bill Belichick."

Matt Cassel didn't seemed to be fazed by the news of the clause.

"Money,money,money,money! Mooooooonnneeey!" Cassel seemed to be referring to the big contract he will be receiving during the offseason.

The NFL BCS System

Stemming from a rise in complaints over teams with great records not making the playoffs, the NFL is considering dissolving all the divisions and creating a ranking system based on the Bowl Championship Series System used by the NCAA for its collegiate football league.

Under this system, the twelve playoff spots are based on ranking, and not on division wins and record. If the NFL decides to use this system because of the complaints of 8-8 teams making the playoffs, here is what we will see in January 2009:

(6) Cincinatti Bengals (3-11-1) vs. (7) Indianapolis Colts (11-4)
(5) The New England Patriots (10-5) vs. (8) Ball State (12-1)
(4) The Pittsburg Steelers (11-4) vs. (9) Carolina Panthers (11-4)
(3) The New York Giants (12-3) vs. (10) The Atlanta Falcons (10-5)
(2) The Baltimore Ravens (10-5) vs. (11) Seattle Seahawks (4-11)
(1) The New York Yankees (N/A) vs. (12) The Dallas Cowboys (9-6)

Even with much evidence to the contrary, BCS officials site that the ranking system is far more superior than the playoff format. Former Ball State head coach Brady Hoke, also agrees.

"Well, I guess I gotta go back and bring these kids to Foxboro. Thank you BCS! Without this system, college football would be so much more organized and sensible. You gotta love the chaos and absurdity. How else would ESPN/Disney make any money?The Romo-Owens-Witten love triangle can only go so far."

The Poodle Kick

A new stipulation in the NFL rulebook allows that any team, regardless of record, can make the playoffs if they can hit the longest field-goal on Sunday. The trouble is, the kicker cannot use a professional-rated football, but Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's poodle.

Matt Bryant, kicker for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, is salivating over the playoff rule.

"Our team takes an intense approach to screwing up in the red zone," says Bryant, as he practices 30-yard chip-shots. "Sometimes, I try to get my my coach ( Gruden ) to put me out there at first down, so we can skip all the insanity. I have kicked so many field goals this year, I am very prepared to pooch Tom Brady's poodle through the uprights. Hell, with all this practice, I can probably kick a 20-pound bag of rice through!"

"You would think with the whole Vick situation that people would be upset about the rule's treatment towards dogs," adds Bryant. "But there is such a fervent hatred for Tom Brady that people would join Al-Queda if it somehow would make his life more miserable."

When confronting Brady about the rule, Tom became visibly upset.

"F&^K Matt Cassel," he screams. " He is taking all of my fame. I could care less about the rule. I only used the dog to attract women, and now Cassel is hogging the spotlight. F#%K Matt Cassel! And f*&k his ability to run faster than me."

Tom Brady chucks a football in madness across the room, which fell right into the hands of Jabar Gafney, and dropped. It was noticeable as Tom walked away, that he actually had no leg. Not a boot for a sprained ankle, or a limp from torn ligaments, but an entire leg was missing from his body. In the entire NFL history, there has never been a quarterback who has played with one leg. The Patriots are nonetheless still secretive about his status for 2009.

When talking to Matt Cassel over Tom Brady's outburst, Matt Cassel replied:

"I'm Rick James, bitch."

This seemed to be more in reference to the enormous amount of drugs he will be able to buy from his huge bonus coming his way after this season is over.

Well, you have just been updated to all the scenarios and outcomes for the NFL playoffs. If you still are scratching your head over these situations, feel free to contact me at contact@redsoxmaniac.com.

Patriots—Jets: Keys To The Game, Analysis, And Surprise Prediction

RedSox Maniac — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 08:03:21 -0500

The Patriots and Jets, filled with distractions early in the season, seem to have both gotten their acts together to make a legitimate run for the AFC East crown. The Jets, lead by Brett Favre and Thomas Jones, will have their hands full, as Matt Cassell is coming into his own, and Bill Belichick has dominated the Jets' star QB in his Patriots tenure.

What To Look For

Patriots

Look for the Patriots to throw to Moss in double-coverage. The Patriots need the middle of the field open, and getting the ball to Moss will forced the secondary to move a few steps back to open up room. Don't be surprised if Moss isn't a factor the entire game.

Look for the Patriots to use Faulk and Welker on screens. The Jets defense has a very big guy in the middle in Chris Jenkins, and fast linebackers and safeties. With the addition of Ty Law, its going to make for a tight field. The screens will be good because their linebackers aren't really big, and good blocking will create successful big plays down-field.

Look for the defense to drop back on Favre. The field is soggy, and the 3 down-linemen for the Patriots have been tough on the run even when outnumbered at the line. Look for a couple of blitzes to rattle Favre, hoping a mistake will ensue from the rainy weather conditions tonight.

Patriots will give the Jets the Nickels and Dimes. Not the defensive schemes, but the ability to seemingly go up the field with 3 & 4 yard plays. Richard Seymour, Ty Warren, and Vincent Wilfork will need to place some pressure at the line, and shut down the 3rd & shorts.

Jets

Look for Favre to pass the torch to Thomas Jones. Jones has become a one-man wrecking machine when the ball is in his hands. Leon Washington is a great supplemental playmaker. The conditions would suit the Jets better to keep the ball on the ground.

The Jets need to confuse the hell out of Matt Cassell. Linebacker, safety blitzes and more will be storming the pockets, forcing Cassell to make a mistake. Look for some bigger help ( such as Dave Thomas or Heath Evans ) to come and pick up blitzers.

Look for Ty Law to have some influence in the game. This is a great storyline for this game, and hopefully Ty Law can show he can be of use to the Jets. Look for him to connect with Gafney or Welker; Moss is being covered by Darelle Revis.

In Order For Jets To Win

Run the ball. Tire out the Patriots defense. Time of possession isn't as important as running up plays against the defense. If you don't get their hands on their waist by the fourth quarter, it is next to impossible to concoct a good drive against the Patriots late in the game.

Don't f&%k it up, Favre. As I wrote in my article about why Favre is overrated, Favre best serves the offense when he is not the center of it. The conditions for tonight's game isn't great for passing, and Belichick will try to pressure Favre into mistakes in the air. He needs to throw the ball away, and be patient for a guaranteed strike in the end zone.

Get seventeen points in the first half. The Patriots have the ability to take what the offense gives them and come out with a successful 2nd half game-plan. If you don't take the lead on the Patriots, and you don't score seventeen, the game is over.

Make Matt Cassell look like a 2nd string QB again. Blitz him like there's no tomorrow. He has only nine football games under his belt, and barely played through college. He still has inexperience, and no solid running game to supplement him. The Jets need to nullify Welker. Cassell has not proved to be able to hit Moss pass 20 yards deep.

In order for Patriots To Win

Run the ball like mad. Go straight at their best players up the middle. Force them to make plays. And then try to expand the field with screens. Make them chase after the ball.

Don't turn the ball over. BenJarvus Green-Ellis and Cassell have played together for two weeks. Kevin Faulk was notorious for losing the ball when he was a starter. Randy Moss doesn't like getting hit. This is a potion for disaster if the Jets start tugging at the ball handlers during the game. Hold on to the ball. It should only go to the Jets off of a punt or kick return.

Take the lead in the 4th. Force Favre to pass it. Take Thomas Jones out of the game, as well as the clock. Easier said then done, but there are more chances for mistakes when Favre is on the lower end of the score.

Prediction

Barring any injuries to the Patriots secondary or front-line, the Patriots will be too much for the Jets. Although a great team, the team is built on time of possession and great defense. Patriots are still superior on defense, albeit older, and the Charlie Weiss offensive system seems to keep the offense running, even with the magnitude of injuries.

The Jets have won, but against fairly easy opponents, nearly losing to another one ( The Chiefs ). The Patriots, on the other hand, have been winning without their starting Quarterback, running back, cornerbacks, and safeties for many of these games. I'm going to bank on the Belichick factor again. I have no reason not to.

Patriots 20 Jets 13

Overrated: Why Brett Favre Hinders the New York Jets' AFC East Supremacy

RedSox Maniac — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 06:50:49 -0500

And there was a time that I was in total amazement, watching the great gunslinger of the '90s pick apart teams with his laser passes and crazy pocket scrambles. And there was a time I loathed his name, as well as Desmond Howard, for years after he trounced the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

But now, the fervor for Fav-re in New York has reached new heights, and I am convinced that the success of the Jets has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with their star QB.

Favre Throws, Jets Lose

When Favre throws it a lot, the Jets lose. They are not built to throw the ball. At least not the way Favre tries to throw it.

The Jets are 3-2 when Favre throws for 30+ passes, and they barely beat Kansas City. Remember, Favre had three interceptions in that game, and two of those turnovers became two touchdowns for the Chiefs (one on following drive, the other on defensive touchdown after INT).

The Jets are able to win without Favre because their O-line is able to keep defenses off the line of scrimmage. Although not the biggest line in the league, they have very talented and strong players holding the fort for Thomas Jones and Favre's pocket.

Alan Faneca and Damien Woody are legitimate Pro-Bowl talents, and D’Brickashaw Ferguson and center Nick Mangold were former first-round picks. The line hasn't given up a sack since Week Eight.

When Leon Washington and Thomas Jones get into the offensive mix, especially with draw plays and screens, the Jets' offense is dangerous, and there is little need for Favre's gun-slinging tactics with a mobile line able to block up-field for their half-back playmakers.

Greg Cossell of NFL Films spoke yesterday with Fox Sports' Steve Czaban and mentioned the real success of the Jets lie within their backfield playmakers, and to keep Favre conservative.

Hey Brett! David Bowie & Freddie Mercury are Calling You

When the line does break down, Brett has the amazing ability to make plays on the scramble. The sad part is, Brett has the tendency (My bias would call it stubbornness) to throw into coverage instead of tossing the ball away.

When he is under pressure, he will make stupid plays. Period. This has killed him against the Patriots, Raiders, Chiefs, and Chargers, and the Giants in last year's playoffs. Only in Kansas City was he able to redeem himself with his clutch drive to win the game.

Favre in Green Bay was able to scramble for big plays because of two things he doesn't have now:

1. His youth: I loved him (except when he played the Patriots) when he was younger, but he isn't as good as he was. He still has the gun, but his nimbleness and reaction time are a tad bit slower than his earlier days.

2. His Go-To Guy(s)

Although one can say that the Jets' offense has a little "West Coast" in it, you have to look into the exact style that Favre and Mike Holmgren ran in Green Bay and the immense talent he had around it.

Favre lived and died off of players he was accustomed to. Bubba Franks, Mark Chmura, Dorsey Levens, Ahman Green. He was addicted to his tight ends and running backs. Although Donald Driver, Bill Schroeder, and Antonio Freeman burnt up defensive secondaries, Brett Favre had that short-yard go-to guy that gave him comfort in the pocket.

He doesn't have any experience with anyone on the Jets. He hasn't grown accustomed to his backfield companions. He has lost his addiction with Thomas Jones, Chris Baker, and Justin Keller. Bubba Franks is still around, but he is nowhere near the No. 1 tight end on the Jets' depth chart.

Without those offensive weapons and experience with his teammates, Favre's ability to make great plays are stifled, and only make it more dangerous for him to dictate the offense.

The Jets are dominant without Brett Favre. It is sad to say, but Favre is more of an asset to their offense when he isn't throwing the ball trying to win games. Chad Pennington on the other hand...

See Also: Preview And Prediction: Pats Vs. Jets Tonight @ 8:30pm

Red Sox Nation: The Sky Isn't Falling... Yet

RedSox Maniac — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 09:55:10 -0400

David Ortiz is struggling against the fastball. Lowell isn't coming back. Mark Kotsay's bat is soft. Jason Bay can't do it all by himself. Jon Lester was flat in Game three. Josh Beckett still looks injured. Manny isn't in the middle of the lineup. Varitek, where did your bat go?

The element of fear has gripped Red Sox Nation. The Sox, down 2-1 against the best team record-wise in the AL East, and there seems to be more questions than answers to whether this team will survive before Saturday.

Sports radio has been run amok by doomsayers. The end of the Red Sox world has been conversed and reprinted across the internet. Stockpiles of canned soup, ammunition, and Mo Vaughn bobblehead dolls are being depleted from warehouses all over the northeastern United States.

And, as trauma surfaces from the recent memories of Aaron Boone, Saku Koivu, and David Tyree, the negativity of the Nation will overwhelm every die-hard fan, making it hard to fathom that the Red Sox might make it out of this series with four wins.

The sky isn't falling. The Red Sox still have an immense amount of pitching and hitting talent. And they have been down in numerous other series over the last few years.

I don't see how the Sox's current position is the end of their World Series run, but the Red Sox have to play a lot better if they want to quell the hysteria that is permeating around Lansdowne St.

What the Red Sox Need To Do:

They need to win game five with Daisuke Matsuzaka on the mound. He pitched well against the Rays in Tropicana last week, but he always seemed one hit from getting roughed up. We have all grown accustomed to his style of never giving into the hitter, but the walks can be of a concern if he hangs a juicy pitch to the likes of Carlos Pena and Evan Longoria.

He has given up only 12 homeruns this entire year (2007- 25 HR ), which is remarkable for a non-sinkerball pitcher, but he throws a great deal of off-speed pitches and needs to make sure none of those flatten out over the plate with runners on base.

Seven walks in 12 innings in the postseason is a small sample, but concerning enough for a Tampa Bay team that might be even more patient against him the next time around.

The Red Sox need to get Andy Sonnanstine out of the game before he kills them. He has pitched two games against the Red Sox, back-to-back starts on the road and at home, and has given up zero earned runs. Zero.

This is Tampa Bay's fourth starter and he has quelled this lineup in a Pedro Martinez-esque fashion. He doesn't throw hard, which hurts the Sox because many of the hitters thrive off the fastball in hitter counts, or waste them in pitcher counts. He throws a lot of strikes and gets a lot of ground balls.

The Red Sox will need to hit his mistakes hard, make him work in the counts, and get to the Rays' bullpen before the seventh.

Jacoby Ellsbury needs to make it happen. Everyone is harping on David Ortiz's woes at the plate, but it is hard for him to get anything done with no one on base. Dustin Pedroia has heated up recently, but the Ellsbury factor of confusion and getting to third will bode better for Ortiz (and of course Youkilis) to get more pitches and less shifts. You can't win in the ALCS with your leadoff man going 0-13.

None of these tasks are easy, but if they can get these facets of the game in their hands, they will be facing the Phillies or Dodgers next week. If the budding stars of Upton and Longoria get to Dice-k, if Sonnanstine does a repeat performance and quiets the riot at Fenway park tonight, and/or Ellsbury morphs into Dwayne Hosey, you can be sure that whispers of Manny Ramirez's disappearance will be raised many decibels;

Theo Epstein will hear the raging critics and the doomsayers, as well as ringing cowbells of victory in the distance coming from St. Petersburg.

Manny Being Manipulated: Bill Simmons Vindicates the Villain

RedSox Maniac — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 07:59:45 -0400

The story never gained the clarity it needed in order to soothe the pain of sports fans in response to the exit of Ramirez to the Dodgers. Yet there were a few who, over the last couple of months, had defended the player who had allegedly caused a ruckus in the Red Sox organization and forced his way out of Beantown to the West Coast.

At long last, Bill Simmons has shed some light on this murky canvas.

Simmons has essentially written a treatise on the correlating characters and influential events of the Manny Ramirez-Red Sox saga. From what he has published, there can be no heated contention that any other analysis, regardless of its source, merits any equivalence to what has been showcased on ESPN's Page 2.

This article is a must-read for anyone who has an assumption about the insanity Manny Ramirez brought to the clubhouse, the hypocritical history of Theo Epstein, the justification of Manny's departure (and Jason Bay's arrival), and the details sourced by the local and national media outlets.

This could be, just by the importance of the story, the best sports article of the year. It is a very long essay, but please be patient and try to take all of it in.

I don't want to detail what is said in the article, but I would like your take on it. After you read it, come back and tell me what you think.

P.S.: If you are from Boston, you will start hearing NESN/WEEI lambasting this article. Read the article fully. Don't skim, and give me your honest opinion.

Manny Ramirez Traded to Dodgers in Three-Way Deal: The Era Is Over

RedSox Maniac — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 10:00:39 -0400

The Red Sox have finally made the deal. The drama between Manny Ramirez and the Sox Nation has come to an end.

Gordon Edes of the Boston Globe has confirmed that the Red Sox have made a three-way deal with the Dodgers and the Pirates. Ramirez has Joe Torre as his new manager with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The Pirates pick up Sox youngsters Craig Hansen, Brandon Moss, and Brian Morris.

The Dodgers also send third baseman Andy LaRoche to the Pirates.

The Sox seem to have given up the most in the deal, giving away three prospects and an agreement to pay for all of Manny Ramirez's remaining contract. They do pick up Jason Bay, who was a great hitter for the Pittsburg Pirates the last few years. He also has a slim contract of $6.5 million this year and only $7.5 million for 2009.

LaRoche, one of the Dodgers' top prospects the last few years, had struggled at third base and, along with Blake Dewitt, had seen their playing time reduced when the Dodgers traded for Casey Blake.

Moss is a very gifted outfielder with good pop in his bat. He has always been a constant name brought up in trade talks involving the Red Sox.

Hansen is a hard-throwing right-hander who has struggled during his time in the majors. He has been touted to someday become a closer or dominant relief pitcher.

Morris, a former first round pick, had Tommy John surgery in 2007. He has come back really well, and could be seen as becoming a good number No. 3 starter in the future. He has yet to play in the majors.

Manny Ramirez Traded For Madonna Tickets and A Dozen Jelly Donuts

RedSox Maniac — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 03:39:28 -0400

Disclaimer: Jokes may be mature for some readers.

This was a three-way that Madonna didn't think that she would be a part of. This is a three-way that the Marlins and Pirates had wished they were in cahoots.

But, to the chagrin of the National-League teams part of the alleged blockbuster deal, and to the delight of all American League East pitchers, Theo Epstein decided to pull the trigger on their sulking slugger for two bona fide tickets to a future Madonna concert and a box of raspberry jelly donuts.

"At first, we didn't know if the deal was going to go through," said Epstein, still on the phone trying to sort out the specifics. "One GM thought I was nuts because I was totally going outside the mold of baseball to do what I was doing. But I'm a Moneyball guy. I got what was best in the market, and hopefully our team can be better for it."

Larry Luccino, the CEO of the Red Sox, held a slightly different view.

"I was hoping for the culmination of the article headline to be a ham sandwich," he said. "But the ham sandwich is so clichéd in much sports trades satire these days, along with the bag of balls, non-specific drugs, and candy bars. I told Epstein that if we want to get rid of Manny, we had to raise the bar just a little."

Manny Ramirez's Reaction

When Manny Ramirez caught word of the news, he said he was relieved and had already moved on to different things.

"Well, for one thing, I am not really playing for anyone. I am not really smart, but when you are traded for inanimate objects that aren't owned by any corporate entity within the MLB, I think you are considered a free agent."

And Scott Boras got his wish by getting Ramirez free reign on the free market. And in just a few seconds after the trade, Manny was offered his biggest contract of his life.

"I am going to play in Iraq!" he exclaimed, eyes wide-open as he packed his gear in the militaristic stereotype of camouflage luggage, duffel bags, and Maxim photos of Sarah Silverman.

"I am not really playing baseball in Iraq. I was assigned by the military to be a special secret weapon against the terrorist. For $25 million a year, I will hit baseballs at the terrorists in bunkers. The baseballs have bombs in them. So when someone says, 'Manny hits a long bomb ', you will know I am making a difference in the world. And you will know there isn't enough intelligence with journalists these days to develop better puns."

GMs Talk of the Trade

Around the league, there is a great amount of talk about this trade. A lot of general managers have given great praise to Epstein for his cunning skills to trade before the deadline.

A couple of GMs aren't so sure that he brought home the bacon (which wasn't part of the deal; the Red Sox's GM's last name speaks for itself) this time.

"WTF! Are you kidding me! He is the greatest hitter of all-time!" shouts Billy Beane, as he throws a chair through a glass window.

(Note: every time he made a statement, he threw something through a glass window. During the interview, he had made a deep question about why people bother to eat non-peanut M&M's when peanut M&M's are readily accessible. As we both collected our thoughts on the subject, Beane picked up a chair, and threw it into Justin Duchscherer's car window. "F!%K people who don't eat peanut M&M's. And F%#K J-Dog for being so goddamn good. Now I gotta bounce the mofo off my team in the offseason. What an asshole, and what a silly car alarm...)

"This is a horrible trade, in my opinion. You are losing your best hitter," remarked Beane, looking at my chair seductively since there are no more chairs around. "The guy has to hit to get a contract on the free-agent market, so it makes little sense he would dog it the rest of the season.

It would make even less sense that he tries to hinder the team's chances of winning down the road. Boras and he both know everyone is basing his future contract on his second-half produ...What! I thought it was a three-way between the Marlins, Pirates, and the Sox! Oh, Madonna tickets? Raspberry donuts?"

"What am I saying, that is a wonderful trade! Moneyball for life!" Billy Beane then walks gingerly amongst the broken glass towards me, and whispers, "Hey, you think if I gave both my testicles and added Erubiel Durazo, along with a 1986 Oldsmobile Firenza, that Epstein could give me the 'Greek God of Walks'?"

When confronting Epstein on the juicy proposition, Epstein said, "Can't do it for (Kevin Youkilis). I gotta play hardball on this one."

And the subtle dry banter continues.

"Then, it was dropping Garciaparra and picking up Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkavich," says Ken Williams, White Sox GM. "Now, he's swapping out Man-Ram for Madonna tickets and jelly donuts. We had calls about the donuts, but I wasn't convinced on taking on the tickets. Unless I knew 'Frozen' and 'Justify My Love' were going to be on the set-list for sure, I just couldn't pull the trigger."

"The reason we did the trade is so that we can get the donuts for our club," said Epstein. "But we had to take on that huge contract of the two tickets to see Madonna. Since I dislike Madonna, I am going to sell the tickets on Craigslist for three bucks. In a sense, it is kinda like I am sticking it to Madonna."

And at that moment, a crop plane flew above us and wrote the word, "zing". Interesting...

The Donut Connection

"First of all," says Jack McCormick, holding a bunch of tickets he forgot to give Manny a couple of weeks ago, "I don't like the media spin that I am some frail old man. I use to be a state trooper. Yea, Manny and I scuffled, but we're men. What am I suppose to do, go cry to the police about it? I am the police! Fox News couldn't have spun a better story."

"Secondly," seconds Jack, "I don't like the stereotype that cops just like jelly donuts. My favorite donut is the apple & spice, and my second favorite is the Boston cream pie. Epstein thought it was a great gesture, but it's just a slap in the face to cops all around, who take pride in the variety and exquisiteness of all donuts across the nation.

I like them big, I like them small, I like them white, I like them black, I like them brown, I like them sweet, I like them skinny, I like them hot, I like them chubby, I like them with coffee, and sometimes even when they stay in the kitchen and home like they're suppose to."

"You are not a man," says McCormick, concluding the punchline, "Until you have done every type (donut?) across the land."

"Ridiculous arrogant (expletive)," replies Epstein of McCormick's remarks. "They're not just for him, they're for the entire office. Plus, every time I get the variety pack, he will take one bite out of each of them, and put them back in the box. Neatly!"

"He is a donut cherry-popper," says Epstein. "And I didn't become GM of the Red Sox for sloppy seconds!" Epstein says he hates to throw them away if they are half-eaten, but David Ortiz tends to eat them no matter what.

But Epstein is wary of when to tell Ortiz, because he will eat all of them once he is notified of the donut arrival, and will evade his crime by reminiscing about his 2004 playoff performances.

Fan & Media Perspective

"Good riddance of Manny!" exclaimed one journalists not wished to be named (Dan Shaughnessy is a random name I made up when I was eight). "This was a great trade. I know our lineup won't have the same firepower it did when it won all those championships. And that is great because my writing lived off the negativity that stemmed from the constant losing Red Sox nation had to face for so many years.

Manny destroyed it by protecting Ortiz, solidifying the lineup, winning the World Series MVP, and living up to his contract. We can't have that bullnosh in our town. How am I going to sell any more books?"

Even the fans that had loathed Ramirez during his time here had conjured up the same feelings.

"Manny is not a hard worker," says Chris Thatcher, 36, of Quincy, Mass. "He doesn't know what the working man has to do to earn a living. We have to work hard and make sure our job gets done everyday. I use to work for the Big Dig project, I would know."

The Big Dig Project, considered one of the most corrupt and inefficient (and most expensive) public project in American history, was scheduled to be done in 2000. Due to delays, an incompetent and corrupt workforce, and lack of due diligence of hard work, the project will be completed in 2350; around the time it will be demolished because there will be no more oil for transportation.

"I use to call the sports station and tell them that Manny is unprofessional, and doesn't deserve to don the Boston uniform," says James Lovoy, 65, of Medford, MA.

"I called them last month during their Barry Bonds in Beantown discussion. They got mad that I changed the discussion to Manny because they were so into the idea of bringing such a great hitter into the Red Sox lineup. I told them that Manny is a poison, and he ruins the game for us old-timers.

He is unprofessional, he doesn't run the bases, he plays horrible defense, and he doesn't care about the game. I then told them they should think about Bonds being behind Manny in the event Ortiz didn't come back. That would've been nice."

"Thank god Manny is gone because then there will be no one to complain about on the team. No one to complain about. No one to complain..."

Sadly, just minutes later, James died after shooting himself in the head with a shotgun. He will be sorely missed.

And so will Manny.

As Epstein, Luccino, John Henry, and the rest gather together at the main office on Yawkey Way to munch down on the homogeneous selection of raspberry doughy goodness, they will think of the times past when they had one of the best hitters in baseball, and they will tribute all the things Ramirez had done for them.

Then they will congratulate themselves on job well done, since the trade allows their team to falter the rest of the season and most likely get destroyed in the postseason or miss it entirely.

Whether the Kool-Aid in the front office room during this event is spiked with cyanide remains to be seen.

2008 NBA Finals: Hold it Right There, Celtics Fans!

RedSox Maniac — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 11:14:13 -0400

At the final buzzer of Thursday's game, there were Celtics fans celebrating all over the country. They had seen the worst of the Celtics, the lapse that could've turned the entire series around. They instead came out with the ferocious game that had made them the best team in the NBA, and they came back to beat the second best team in the NBA.

The Lakers now know who is number one. The Celtics now know who is number one. The analysts and the talking heads now see who the true underdog is in this Finals matchup. And the Lakers are now placed at the brink of losing Kobe's chance to show he can win without Shaq (he'll have more chances).

After the game, the thoughts running through Celtics fans heads' were: "We're the best! Why did the Lakers underestimate us?", “Our defense is the best, and not even Kobe can get through it!", “Ray Allen has to be the Finals MVP. No doubt.", “Hey Joey, you going to come with me to the parade"?

If you had any of these thoughts over the last 72 hours, I have a little bit of advice to give you.

Stop it. Hold your horses. Put the dogs back in the house, because the talking heads are barking too loud now in the Celtics favor. Before we start making artwork for the next Celtics' banner, understand this:

1. Kobe Bryant plays for the Lakers.

Kobe Bryant plays for the Lakers. Kobe Bryant wins games. Kobe Bryant loses games, too. But his name alone should make any fan wary of his prowess and worrisome about his late-game abilities. He has only been able to fight through the Celtics defense for one game, but it doesn't mean that another one or two big games may not be coming the Celtics' way.

2. The Lakers have shooters.

They are dangerous, and they have a bunch of them. I have mentioned most of this in my formal analysis, and their talent to hit the shot from anywhere on the court is scary. If they hit their open shots, and disrupt our defense with mismatches, they will be tough to prevail against, even with a struggling Kobe.

3. Pau Gasol is great.

Steven A. Smith of ESPN has continually called Gasol "soft as tissue paper." He is on-point with his statement, but Gasol is nonetheless a great player who has given the Celtics defense constant hardship. He doesn't shoot bad shots often, and makes the smart play when he has the ball.

In a close game, and where the Celtics' best defensive player is Kevin Garnett, his existence may prove more meaningful for a better Lakers offense than ANY other player on the floor.

4. Celtics' injuries.

Another writer on the Bleacher Report had stated that the longer this series goes, the better chance the Lakers have. I don't believe that is true, but I do understand this; the fatigue/playing factor for our banged-up players (Rondo, Pierce, Perkins) may not benefit them if they have to go into game seven.

The Celtics' bench is much deeper, and Eddie House has done nothing short of an amazing job at taking up a lot of Rondo's minutes. But any extra injuries, re-aggravations, or bad plays due to injuries will only put more pressure on our team. Our bench is able to handle the pressure, but how many times could they come through if another injury comes to play during a game?

5. The Celtics lose focus on a lead.

They can lead by 20, they can lead by 10, and they can lead by two games. But throughout the season, the Celtics have been known to lose focus when they have a lead (us Celtics fans have seen these fall-apart sequences all too often). If the Celtics don't have that murderous mentality for game five or game six, we could be sure to see a tied series.

6. Hasn't the last decade told us anything?

I can't blame a Celtics fan from holding back their joy of the current predicament of seeing their team one game closer from their 17th championship. I can't blame ESPN for writing features about what it will mean for Pierce to finally win the biggest series in basketball. I can't blame the total lack of Lakers fans that have hidden under rocks after their nonchalant predictions of the Lakers winning in five or six games.

But the series is NOT OVER. The series is going to start again at 9 pm, and can continue up until Thursday. If history has impressed anything upon a Boston Celtics fan (and Boston fans in general), it is history has given us great gifts and gut-wrenching experience in sports over the last few years.

Remember the Celtics-Nets series? Remember those free throws Pierce missed?

Remember when the Patriots were supposed to lose to the Rams? Do you remember the score?

Did any of us feel good after losing badly to the Yankees in game three of the 2004 ALCS? Do you remember how you felt five days later? Did that feeling feel as powerful as winning against the Oakland Athletics in game five of the 2003 ALDS? Aaron Boone? The 2005 Denver Broncos? Eli Manning?

With the good and the bad, the Celtics fans should understand that their team is better, and that the Lakers media, the Lakers fans, and the ESPN talking heads, were wrong in their analysis. But no one right now should be confident about who is going to win.

History has a great talent for those who try to celebrate a little too early, and Boston fans have been recent victims to the poison of feeling that we cannot be defeated. As a Boston fan, I want my team to win more than anything, but I am not a fan of buying my champagne before I know I will be happy enough to uncork it.

Ps: My analysis is clear on what I think is going to happen, so read it before you think I am biased for either team. This had only a sample of the Lakers' abilities, but I wanted less of analysis and more to portray reason to keep humble watching the rest of the Finals.

For All Of You Who Thought The Lakers Would Win in 5 Games

RedSox Maniac — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 04:04:45 -0400

Shame on you. Shame on you on so many levels, that I can write a James Joyce novel to describe the non-intelligent analysis that all of you rooting for the Lakers posted all over the Internet.

But I'll just leave it to a couple of things that were grossly overlooked by your over-confident clique.

1. Shame on you for underestimating defense.

Defense wins championships. Teams rarely win championships when they give up 100+ points a game. People who were mentioning the prowess of the Lakers' offense had failed to understand that they only used their energy on one side of the court.

The Lakers tried to play defense, and they have nothing to show for it. They didn't play defense all year, and when they finally dropped down against their man, it cost them their first two games.

To think that the Lakers were going to use their season game-plan of outscoring the opposition by somehow managing to score the century mark against the best defensive team in the league on their home-court shows an astounding lack of common sense.

I do not know if defense means anything to NBA analysis anymore, but last time I checked, defensive teams (and teams with a defensive giant named Shaq) have been the only teams running the show the last decade.

If you don't believe me, ask every other Western Conference team that allows 97+ points a game and makes the playoffs every year. If you can't ask them all, I think Steve Nash or Dirk can sum it up for you.

2. Shame on you for underestimating the bench:

I have seen it from 99% of the blogs and articles: The Lakers' bench is so fast, so quick, they play well together, they eat ice cream at church on Sundays, they save helpless animals from burning fires, etc.

What they also do is not match-up against the Celtics bench.

The Celtics have two players (Posey and Brown) who would be starters on a decent amount of teams in the NBA right now. They are not quick, but they are versatile in their game, and can change their styles to suit the needs of the team.

Posey posts-up, he can shoot 3-pointers, he can rebound, he can take the ball up the court on point-guard pressure, he can pass, he can make picks, he doesn't turnover the ball, and he plays good defense.

PJ Brown's repertoire isn't as great in his old age, but his defensive skills are also solid, he doesn't make mistakes, he rebounds well, and can make shots if he is open.

For me, I would take him over Ronny Turiaf. Those who favored the Lakers bench would disagree—those people are looking at their team being down two games going into Los Angeles.

Not to mention Leon Powe, Sam Caseell, and Eddie House (who has not played, but expect to see him at least once in the series). Glen Davis's smile could make a step into the show, and people forget how good he was going into the post-season.

3. Shame on you for thinking the refs were calling a West Coast game:

If you watch games in the Western Conference, you see the reason why so many fouls are called—Because hard defense and bumping is rarely initiated by any team.

If teams are running transition basketball, and trying to create mismatch opportunities for shots and drives toward the basket, there aren't many opportunities that the refs will need to use their whistle. When playing transition defense, players are usually too busy running toward other players than actually guarding them, thereby nullifying any intense physical contact.

On top of this, because of the few times there are contact, fouls are usually called because they are, in comparison to how the rest of the game is played, physical enough to warrant an official's response.

In the Eastern Conference, there are a lot more half-court sets, more posting up, and more physical intensity to stop players' opportunities from scoring. The refs have adjusted to call the foul based on this system. A lot more gets away in contact in our conference than the Western Conference.

A lot of Lakers fans are calling "foul" over the lack thereof during the Game 2 spectacle on Sunday. They see that Kobe getting physical contact (or reacting to needing a call), or Gasol making noises, constitutes a foul.

These usually are not fouls. Most times the foul has to impede the shot (by a hit on the arm or a shove) and not necessarily move a body—which might be because so many players flop they don't even bother to go by the offensive players' movement.

They are not going to get the easy contact calls, because the Celtics (and because they had to adjust, the Lakers) imposed the East Coast game and were able to play harder defense.

BTW: Kobe had whined about calls almost every time he shot the ball, and every single time he didn't get fouled.

This is what separates him from Jordan; he will make excuses if a call or play doesn't go his way. He blames his lack of execution less on his inability to make the shot, and more-so on the refs or his teammates. Did you see him yelling at Vujacic at the end of the game? Jordan doesn't do that. Period.

Pierce gets bumped just as much, but the refs made sure both he and Kobe didn't get those calls, since they have a tendency to initiate contact for the foul—which is a no-call in most cases (like when Pierce got bumped and fell to the floor in the 3rd trying to get an o-foul, there was no call).

I love Kobe, but he uses too much energy to whine to the refs. He needs to use that energy to make shots.

The Lakers had the ability to play the same defensive game.

Everyone looks at the disparity in foul shots, but you have to remember that the Celtics never got over the foul limit in most quarters, and the disparity was 28-21 fouls. This really isn't anything, considering the Rondo offensive foul, and the Lamar Odom going over PJ Brown's back.

Also, the Celtics were shooting two to four foot shots on half of their possessions, which was way more than the Lakers. Fouls are given on good looks from under the hoop, not shooting away from it.

The LA defense, instead of playing in front of their man, tried to swipe the ball on penetrators to the basket. They didn't try to play defense in front of their man. If you don't play defense, you are going to be called for a lot fouls, or you are going to let Leon Powe run the entire court and dunk it in front of three players.

4. Shame on you for not watching the Celtics:

If anyone, anyone by a spark of random motivation, ever sat down to watch at least three Celtics games this season, they would've been proper to understanding the ONLY reason the Celtics ever lose: They lapse.

The Lakers were finally witness to the most dangerous achilles' heel a championship-caliber team has, and the Celtics demonstrated that this psychological lull can kill them during its appearance in the 4th quarter in Game 2.

For you fans who thought this was five games—let me give you some advice about the Celtics: They have only lost one game, just one game, this entire season that didn't have anything to do with their psychological lapses. That game was at home against the Utah Jazz in January.

I wish I could say this isn't true, but when the Celtics have played their game and don't fall asleep during their leads, they are unstoppable.

As an East Coast fan, I have more leverage to compare this with the Lakers talent than a west coast fan. Not saying that the East Coast has better water, women, or music (which I have come to the sad realization the West Coast sweeps these three), but our time-zone gives us the ability to watch both our games and your games.

While the Celtics are winning games by 20, the west coast is just getting done watching Seinfeld. Sorry, but seeing two games is usually better than seeing one.

At the same time, a lot of these silly crystal-ball statements of a 4-1 series in the Lakers' favor weren't even based on watching the game, but because of the Celtics' struggle in the playoffs—the fact that the big three are old, they don't have a bench, they don't have a clutch shooter, their point guard is mediocre, they have no Finals experience, their coach is wacky, and they don't have a great offense.

All of these have been proven wrong throughout the season.

If it took until game two to wipe away your disposition on the powerhouse that is the Celtics, the team who was No.1 in defense, and the team that had the best record in the league, then shame on you.

If it took until game two for you to understand that this team is just as good as the Lakers (and maybe better if the series says so), then shame on you for not being a basketball fan.

And watching too much ESPN.

To assume the Lakers were the better team, with all the evidence that had shown otherwise—shame on you for not bothering to watch our game, or at the very least, look up some Leon Powe highlights.

Ps: My analysis articles on the Finals & Game 2:

Why are the Celtics losing so much in the Playoffs?

The NBA Finals: Preview, Analysis, and Prediction

Lakers vs. Celtics: Game 2, Preview and Prediction

ESPN Article on the disparity of fouls:

Lakers Chafe at Fouls in Game Two