Bleacher Report - Articles by John Halligan

Alex Rodriguez Plans Personal Parade to Honor His World Series Win

John Halligan — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:51:52 -0500

PHILADELPHIA—Several sources close to Alex Rodriguez report that the All-Star third baseman is planning his own parade to celebrate the New York Yankees' presupposed World Series victory over the Philadelphia Phillies.

"It's already in the works," said Rodriguez's agent Scott Boras. "We just need to figure out an appropriate compensation scale for Alex."

Boras further explained that Rodriguez plans to charge a cover to attend his parade, "a nominal fee of 25 to 35 dollars," with half-price glossy headshots for the first 50 guests.

Yankee general manager Brian Cashman initially appeared annoyed by the news of the event. But Cashman quickly softened when asked what owner George Steinbrenner thought: "Wait, Steinbrenner knows?"

Traditionally, an entire team holds a parade to celebrate a World Series win. But A-Rod has never been one to play by the rules, according to his closest friend and money manager, Raoul Franco: "That why he's great. The rules are only there for the losers who play by them—and Alex is a winner."

When asked if this means Rodriguez will not attend the Yankees' parade should they win, Franco was definitive: "Oh no way. And why should he? Alex is the star, and he should be treated as such."

Franco went on, "Without him, that parade will just be a flatbed truck full of losers."

As information trickles in, some details are beginning to emerge. First, tickets will be sold from a web site, possibly called a-parade.com; secondly, it looks like the event will begin in the 2,000-square foot downstairs powder room of Rodriguez's four-story penthouse apartment in New York.

After that, it's on to the shooting range, the pharmacy, the Kabbalah room, and the pink lipstick room—finally winding its way to the main lobby for a ceremony and speech in front of one of his two self-centaur portraits, which of course portray him as the mythical half-horse, half-man creature.

"Thirty, 35 dollars to see a ballplayer speak in front of a centaur self-portrait is a deal," Super Agent Boras added, "especially in New York."

Accordingly, the VIP guest list has been kept super secret, but Bleacher Report has been able to confirm that Donald Trump, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Fox Sports' Joe Buck have all RSVP'd in the affirmative.

"So far the VIP response has been tremendous," parade planner Jorge Dimitri squealed. "Alex loves being around other stars, so we have a feeling he's going to be very pleased."

Dimitri also added that Jon Gosselin and Sarah Palin are "definite maybes."

When contacted for a response, several of Rodriguez' Yankee teammates made off the record comments such as "don't care," "figures," and "big surprise" when made aware of the pending parade.

Regardless of his teammates' apparent apathy, it appears preparations for the parade steamroll on for Team A-Rod.

"Alex always said he could do it," Boras remarked. "And now that he has—or should I say is about to (laughs)—he needs to be celebrated and of course paid for his glorious achievements. It figures to be quite a day."

As Phils Clinch Series Berth, TBS Presses Torre to Name Game Six Starter

John Halligan — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:03:13 -0400

Despite the Philadelphia Phillies seemingly ending the National League Championship Series in a brief and dominant five games, TBS is pushing Los Angeles Dodger manager Joe Torre to name a Game Six starting pitcher.

"You really never know. The Dodgers are such a fantastic team and have come back so many times this year, " TBS play-by-play man and legacy hire Chip Caray said, "it would make a lot of baseball sense to do it."

When reminded that in fact, the Phillies just won to go to their second straight World Series, Caray replied, "Yeah, but LA plays all 27 outs and you really have to respect that."

Caray was far from alone in his view, "(Dodger Manager) Joe (Torre) should really know better," Caray's partner Buck Martinez said with his grating metal scraping on concrete voice, "pitchers like to know when they're pitching and this LA fight likes a bunch of hungry street kids."

Martinez even went one step further, "Hey when this series started I picked LA and I stand by my prediction. We're talking about a team that was second in the National League in comeback wins. You just can't count them out."

Second to the Phillies, it might be added.

When pressed at his somber post game press conference, Torre seemed incredulous, "Did you just ask me who I'm starting in Game Six?," the cagey veteran manager replied with all the media savvy eleven years in New York can give you.

TBS sideline reporter and habitual drunk dresser, Craig Sager caught up with Dodger starter Randy Wolf after the game and asked him if he wanted the ball for Game Six. Wolf replied with a terse, "Go f--- yourself retard," further complicating the LA pitching predicament and the TBS mindset.

Even after Philadelphia first baseman Ryan Howard, who hit .333 with 2HRs and 8 RBIs for the series, was named NLCS MVP and handed the actual trophy, the intrepid TBS crew soldiered on.

"Awards and trophies and all that are fine but winning in the post season is really what it's all about," Caray's other partner Ron Darling said. "And right now it looks like the Phillies are too worried about making speeches and accepting trophies. I really think the Dodgers have them right where they want them."

Martinez could barely contain his agreement with Darling but continued to openly question the managing tactics of Torre, "He really did himself a disservice tonight by giving the quick hook to Padilla and running through that bullpen they way he did. He really acted like this was an elimination game or something."

"Great point Buck," Darling added in agreement, "Torre definitely panicked tonight."

Incredibly, even as Chip Caray was getting blinded with champagne and pelted with empty 16-ounce cans of Bud Light by Phillies players and front office personnel, he kept at it. "I'm happy for Philly, I really am. But all this celebrating is bound to take it's toll. All I know is that TBS will be in LA on Saturday, ready for baseball and ready for this explosive Dodger offense to take flight."

Philadelphia Eagles QB Kevin Kolb Eager to Raise Profile with Dog-Fighting Ring

John Halligan — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:55:46 -0400

PHILADELPHIA, Pa.—Eagles third year quarterback Kevin Kolb said he is actively looking into starting his own illegal, interstate dog-fighting ring, right after he and the Eagles trounced the Kansas City Chiefs, 34-14.

“I’m first quarterback in NFL history to throw for 300 yards (or more) in his first two starts and I’m like the fourth or fifth guy on the podium, “ Kolb noted. “I guess I gotta get with the program and start killin’ me some animals.”

There seems to be some truth in Kolb’s assertions, as Vick was still the top-line story for ESPN and many other sports outlets Sunday, even after a less than stellar day where he produced a meager seven total yards, passing and throwing combined.

“Heck, I threw for 327 yards and two scores and I don’t get a whiff of Sal Pal,” Kolb remarked Sunday in reference to Michael Vick’s personal ESPN reporter, Sal Paolantonio.

“Seven yards and he’s everybody’s go-to quote. As a player, you have to admire that,” Kolb offered.

“I got a big opportunity here,” Kolb enthused. “I’m one locker down from the biggest dog-fighter the NFL has ever known. I mean you’d have to be a real dummy not to take advantage of that kind of resource.”

Kolb’s agent, Houston-based Jeff Nalley, later held his own press conference where he reiterated Kolb’s desire to start his own dog-fighting ring, “I think if anything, these last two games really prove that Kevin is ready to take it to the next level. Once his dog-fighting operation really gets up and running, the sky is the limit for Kevin.”

Nalley did not confirm if he will assist Kolb’s dog-fighting operation, but he did wisely leave the door open, saying, “Right now, it looks like a fantastic growth opportunity for everyone associated with Team Kolb.”

ESPN, for one, is all set to prove Nalley and Kolb right. “Once we see real evidence of wrongdoing and unbelievably cruel, inhuman behavior, then we’ll get Kevin and Sal together for real nice sit-down piece,” ESPN segment producer, Mike McMack said.

“Breaking NFL records on the field is awesome,” McMack opined, “but killing dogs, breaking laws and coming back to rub it in law-aiding NFL fans faces? That’s our demographic sweet spot.”

The Bleacher Report contacted former Indianapolis Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy about Kolb’s aspirations and he was all for it. “I think it’s wonderful. Kevin is very heady young man and I’m sure he do what needs to be done.”

Dungy added that he won’t be ready to organize a sympathy media tour for Kolb until he’s certain that Kolb has committed truly reprehensible acts and, of course, has the earning potential to pay him for his soulless efforts, “Only time will tell, but I like what I see.”

When pressed about the possible suspension that comes with such illicit activity, Kolb seemed not too worry, “I figure Donovan’s got about two years left anyway. So if I time things right, me and Coach Dungy’s media tour should be happening right around that time.”

Added the shrewd Kolb, “The Commissioner’s office has already contacted me, so it all systems go right now.”

Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid said Kolb did a “nice job out there,” on Sunday and cryptically re-iterated his stance that everyone deserves a second chance, “even the ones that haven’t squandered their first one.”

NFL Week Three Hal-Oscopes: Trust Me, It Might Happen

John Halligan — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 22:27:08 -0400

Week Two provided many wonderful and horrific football events to ponder and puzzle over.

For instance: when will the Texans' Steve Slaton wake up and realize the regular season has started?

Are the Browns really not going to score an offensive touchdown all year?

Are L.T. and Brian Westbrook both finished?

And well, well, lookie here. Turns out Eli Manning does have some people to throw to.

Week Three will begin to provide some more answers to all of our nagging questions, but for those who can’t wait for the actual games this Sunday and Monday, I give you the Hal-Oscopes.

For those new readers, the Hal-Oscopes are a horoscope of sorts (not really, but play along), for a select group of NFL players and personalities. They are a mystic, cosmic, (and let’s hope) comedic foretelling of the future by the stars.

Brady Quinn (Sunday @ Baltimore)

Quinn is an air sign, which could mean that he’s going to air it out against the not-as-good-as they should be Raven defense. But due to a pathetic running game, average o-line and the decision making speed of a Galapagos Island Turtle, it really means he will spend the majority of his day on his back, staring into the air, sky, and heavens. God Bless, Brady.

Terrell Owens (Sunday vs. New Orleans)

Owens scored one TD last week and could’ve easily scored another one as the Bills beat the punch-less Buccaneers. Owens’ ruling planet is Mercury. And Mercury tells us (not is so many words, mind you) that when Owens lines up this Sunday he will be consumed with anger and jealously from watching the Saints aerial assault. Luckily, this is how TO normally plays and lives. So naturally, the Bills upset the undefeated Saints.

Jim Zorn (Sunday @ Detroit)

As a former quarterback Zorn, is either a) confused, b) sickened, or c) confused and sickened when he watches his team play offense. Whatever the answer is, it’s his fault, so he better fix it. The problem is Apollo’s Moon is on the rise and that means trouble on the celestial horizon for Zorn. Unreal expectations and very real communication problems will plague Zorn along with the earthly, plain fact that the Lions are due! That’s right, expecting a win will not make you win. The Lions will win and Zorn’s head coaching job may not make it out of the locker.

Brian Westbrook (Sunday vs. Kansas City)

It appears Westbrook has angered some sort of foot-ankle god, (not sure which one that is, have to look it up) and he will be doubtful for this Sunday -- this after off-season surgery and not participating in training camp at all. Before the sands run out on Westbrook’s career, he needs to make peace with this foot-ankle god immediately and beg for mercy. This week, the ankle god will laugh at Westbrook and give him a DNP for his trouble.

Kerry Collins (Sunday @ New York Jets)

Collins has had regenerative spirits smile on him for a quite a while now, after being left for dead many times in the past. That karma and the approaching September equinox will shine more good consequence on Collins, as desperation (and a screaming Jeff Fisher) push he and his Titans over the top against the surprising Jets, who wrongly do not observe September equinoxes. Big mistake.

The Green Bay Defense (Sunday @ St.Louis)

After a tough week of preparation following an embarrassing home loss to the Bengals, the Packer defense will experience a light, cheery day on Sunday. Grey skies will lighten, the sun will shine on them (metaphorically, in the Rams stupid dome) and they will smile, laugh, and humiliate the Rams in front of their families and fans. Ah, football.

Kurt Warner (Sunday vs. Indianapolis)

The deeply religious Warner had god-like accuracy in the Cards win over the Jags last week. His faith will be rewarded again this week, as he very generously spreads the ball around against the bend-and-bend-some-more defense of the Colts. It’s not exactly The Devil vs. God, but Warner vs. Manning should good viewing for all us sinners.

Matt Forte (Sunday @ Seattle)

Forte’s fortunes have had a swift downturn this year with the arrival of big-mouth, big-arm Jay Cutler. Bears Offensive Coordinator Ron Turner may be too far-gone on the Cutler Kool-Aid, but the new lunar cycle and Seattle’s defensive personnel strongly suggest otherwise. Strongly enough that even someone as dumb (or drugged) as Turner can see that Forte should be allowed to punish the Seattle defense for one really good reason: he can.

Mike Singletary (Sunday @ Minnesota)

Singletary is off to a good cosmic start in San Fran and his enthusiastic approach is beginning to catch on. But his smash-mouth style is about to be introduced to Mr. Smash Mouth, Adrian Peterson. Their Sunday meeting promises to be very rocky. But Peterson figures to make the niner defense love him or die trying. A very risky relationship approach.

Carson Palmer (Sunday vs. Pittsburgh)

Palmer’s pride seems to have the gotten the better of him last week by playing well and in turn, slowing his getaway out of Cincy. But fear not Carson, you can easily go back to tanking games for the Bengals this week. The Steelers will arrive in town with an aggressive lunar entry into Jupiter and a super aggressive front seven on defense coming off a close loss to the Bears. Payback will be gotten my dear Carson, cosmic and otherwise.

That’s all I can see for this week. Enjoy your Sunday and Monday football everyone. Be ready for next week before it comes and look for the NFL Hal-Oscopes next Friday.

Jerry Jones Upset That New Stadium Debut Was "Too Much About Football"

John Halligan — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:37:23 -0400

ARLINGTON, Texas -- Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones is disappointed that his pride and joy, the brand new Cowboys Stadium, didn’t shine as brightly as it could have on Sunday night’s prime-time TV debut.

“Girls in cages, a giant shiny video board, live Mexican midget wrestling, this is what people want to see,” Jones said. “And all that dang-gum network could show was the football game.”

Jones was also upset that the biggest feature of the new stadium, a giant flame-spewing dragon, malfunctioned and couldn’t be utilized.

“I paid good money to get me a giant flame-spewing dragon under that dang stadium and these good folks want to see him,” Jones remarked at the Levitra post-game podium.

Jones didn’t say how he acquired the dragon, but did disclose that it “cost him a god-dang arm and leg” and before the season is out, Cowboy fans will love that “son of a gun as much as I do.”

The $1.15 billion Cowboys Stadium is geared to optimize the fan experience and give people something they can’t get at home. Sporting a design that’s a cross between a soulless mall and an inhuman airport, the stadium is the gem of Jones’ stretched eyes and a spectacle unto itself.

“The video board, the live demolition derby-slash-monster truck show in the basement, the men’s room roller coaster, that’s nothing compared to my dragon,” Jones ranted. “Y’all will see. Next home game he’ll get out there and do his thing. I told his trainer, I want them people torched out there, it’s gonna be like a giant Gallagher show!”

Jones was, although, very happy with the attendance of the game, which set an American football attendance record with 105,121 spectators. “It was real good, we were hoping the $85 parking cost wouldn’t deter too many people and it’s looks like ol’ Jerry is right again, ha!”

But ultimately Jones just couldn’t get over the perceived network slight, “All this money, all this time and all they want to show is football. Shucks, everybody’s got football. But who’s got the world’s largest Chick-fil-A right next to a real, live slaughterhouse? Jerry, that’s who.”

Dallas went on to lose Sunday night’s game 33-31 to the New York Giants due in large part to four turnovers, including three Tony Romo picks and a porous defense. Jones had no comment on Romo’s performance or the game.

The Future Revealed: NFL Week Two Hal-Oscopes

John Halligan — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 13:01:02 -0400

Amazing how one week of real football changes many of things we knew were true during five weeks of preseason football.

The Houston Texans and their amazing exploding offense? Yeah, check back next week.

Jay Cutler: best Chicago Bears quarterback ever? Not yet, especially after a four-pick week.

LaDainian Tomlinson back to his old form, ready to rock the perennially pathetic Oakland Raiders? How about ready to rock the walking boot again?

Those are just a few of the many reasons the NFL is consistently awesome and confounding at the same time. In the words of Hollywood screenwriting legend, “nobody knows anything.”

So, in an effort to help and (honestly, just make some jokes), I’ve looked to the stars for advice.

It’s just like a horoscope for prominent NFL players, coaches and management figures, only it’s not based on anything remotely scientific or concrete—which I guess makes more like a real horoscope than I intended.

Matt Hasselbeck (Sunday @ San Francisco)

Hasselbeck experienced a cosmic resurgence last week in the home opener against St. Louis, although St. Louis appears to specialize in that kind of thing for opponents.

Hasselbeck looks to have a much tougher week fraught with danger, intrigue and some actual physical contact from the other team. Expect a high ankle sprain and/or a separated shoulder.

Kevin Kolb (Sunday vs. New Orleans)

Kolb, pronounced Cobb (as in Randall "Tex"), is in line for his first career start Sunday in Philadelphia. If he were lucky, it would be on the road. If he were any good, it would’ve already happened.

Saturn may be in his retrograde, but Garcia is staring over his shoulder and will be on the field before this one is over, leaving the multi-interception throwing Kolb to reunite with his beloved clipboard again.

John Fox (Sunday @ Atlanta)

This week, the Carolina head coach is hoping for a reversal of turnover fortune after QB Jake Delhomme threw approximately 47 picks last week.

Praying for a new lunar cycle may help, but showing blind loyalty and starting the aging-by-the-second Delhomme again definitely won’t. Assume the crash position, Panther fans.

Adrian Peterson (Sunday @ Detroit)

Peterson’s Sunday will prove just being in Detroit doesn’t make one a loser. Opportunity will knock and Peterson will answer, say hello and spend some quality time with him.

Who knows where his stars are, but Peterson and his offensive line are in Detroit and that means many yards and visits to the house—and not the house of the rising sun.

Hunter Hillenmeyer (Sunday vs. Pittsburgh)

Hillenmeyer will be taking over the middle linebacker spot for injured Bear Brian Urlacher this week in Solider Field.

Hillenmeyer, though not as fast, strong, or instinctive as Urlacher, will prominently figure in the outcome of the game, probably by missing a couple of big tackles.

Fortunately for him, Jay Cutler’s chakras are in order, which mean he will throw the ball to the right team, while Big Ben pumps fakes one too many times. Bears in a mild upset.

Kerry Rhodes (Sunday vs. New England)

The Jet safety is looking at strong celestial anti-current blowing his way. His is also looking at having his words shoved up his rear end by the best QB-WR combination in football.

Physical and emotionally fragile Texan QB Matt Schaub is one thing, but talking trash and threatening to embarrass the steel-plated Brady almost ensures negative future consequences.

Hasn’t this guy watched the NFL for the last five, six years? What a dummy.

Phillip Rivers (Sunday vs. Baltimore)

Rivers acquired some bad karma last week by taunting of the Raiders after his Chargers squeaked out a win.

Rivers' distinctly unlikable personality will combine with the Ravens' distinctly vicious defense to create a surprisingly watchable game where you will find yourself rooting for everyone to kill everyone else.

Except Darren Sproles—everyone likes the lightning bug. The Ravens shut up Rivers. Temporarily.

Steve Slaton (Sunday @Tennessee)

The nocturnal arc of Jupiter tells me Slaton will get more than 17 yards rushing this week against Tennessee, a team he fared very well against last year.

Nocturnal arcs also involve upturns in personal relationships, so maybe Slaton will make friends with the football and stop dropping it when it just wants to be held.

Jerry Jones (Sunday Night vs. New York Giants)

Bright media lights shine and converge on Jones’ gargantuan new stadium this Sunday night against the Giants. Jones’ plastic face and personality will do their best to schmooze the cameras.

But seeing that he is a fire sign, it all figures to burn as they have to re-kick seven straight punts for hitting the too-low video board and the Giants defensive line forces Romo to revert to his normal choking, small-play self.

Jason Campbell (Sunday vs. St. Louis)

The sun, moon and points will rise this week for Campbell. Magical events will take place right before him: receivers will be open, defensive assignments will be missed, interceptions will be dropped.

Though there is no astrological explanation for this good will, there is an earthly one: the Rams stink.

Peyton Manning (Monday @ Miami)

Though it figures to be warm and swampy in South Florida, Manning will experience an out-of-body coolness. A one-ness with football, his team and his objective.

Manning will be focused and productive but will also experience great joy, as he realizes will not have to listen to Jon Gruden’s John Wayne-like cadence or Mike Tirico’s gratingly condescending tone. A truly heavenly occurrence for any Monday Night fan.

That’s all the stars and charts tell me for now. Enjoy your Sunday and Monday football everyone, and look for the Hal-oscopes next week.

A Completely Distorted, Totally Negative Preview Of The 2009 Philadelphia Eagles

John Halligan — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 20:28:50 -0400

The 2009 season is finally here and it’s time to assess the Philadelphia Eagles’ chances of attaining that ever-elusive first Lombardi Trophy. The off-season was pretty interesting with major turnovers at key positions and major controversies at others. Without further adieu, let’s dive in.

Whenever you start your off-season by letting the best player on your defense – maybe the best defensive player in the history of your franchise - walk, over a relatively small (by NFL standards anyway) amount, you are in trouble.

And that’s exactly what happened when Brian Dawkins was allowed to leave, following another Joe Banner low-ball special.

He ended up in Denver and the Eagles ended up with Macho Harris starting in his place. Dawk will be 36 next month but anyone who watched last year, especially the last regular season game against Dallas, knows he was consistently their best defensive player last year – a defense that finished fourth overall.

Dawkins leaving, combined with the passing away of Jim Johnson and middle linebacker Stewart Bradley tearing up his knee in training camp means big trouble. Especially when you look at the pathetic remains of the Eagles linebacking crew.

Linebacker is and has been a position that Banner and Andy Reid have absolutely refused to put any high picks or money into over the years. A point proven wrong every year, as the Steelers and Patriots win Super Bowls with kick-butt linebacking crews of their own.

Speaking of the draft, it went seemingly well with the Eagles picking up wide receiver Jeremy Maclin and running back LeSean McCoy in the first and second rounds, respectively.

For whatever it’s worth, which is never much, McCoy has looked tremendous in the preseason while Maclin, who was a little late to camp, has shown flashes and looks to be a solid contributor at some point.

Ellis Hobbs, a former Patriot corner, was also picked up for two fifth round picks in a solid move that’s hard to argue with, especially with the unhappiness of Sheldon Brown.

Late pick, Victor ‘Macho’ Harris has seemingly won a starting safety job beating out supposed Dawkins replacement, Quentin Demps, despite looking completely average and occasionally lost.

Offensive Tackle Jason Peters came to the Eagles on a draft weekend deal with the Buffalo Bills. The Eagles gave up a ton of picks to get him – including a mammoth contract extension - and the guy has played like an absolute stiff.

He was supposedly battling a minor quad injury for much of the camp, but to play like he has in the preseason, well let’s hope it was a really bad quad injury.

Free-agent fullback Leonard Weaver should help out with the running game, if Reid actually decided to run the ball consistently. Which is, in a word, laughable.

The Birds also acquired offensive lineman Stacy Andrews from Cincinnati to play guard, while they moved his brother Shawn Andrews to tackle.

Together the Andrews Sisters, as they’re affectionately being called now, have played zero snaps together this preseason. Shawn hurt his back day one of training (on a fitness run!) and Stacy has been slow to recover from major knee surgery last year.

The team, for it’s part, is so sure of Shawn Andrew’s commitment to the team they recently brought in recovering relic Jon Runyan for a workout. Smart. But not what you’d call ‘positive.’

Which brings us to ESPN’s favorite third-string quarterback Michael Vick. After caving in to Tony Dungy’s nauseating sympathy tour, Andy Reid brought in Vick to presumably run some sort of wildcat-like set and give the Eagles some added offensive flexibility.

In his two brief preseason appearances we have already seen Vick upset the offensive flow, upset starter Donovan McNabb and become a general distraction for the team.

Not to mention, Vick’s presence forcing the cutting of A.J. Feeley, the only back-up quarterback on the team who has won games for this team. Kevin Kolb is still on board but there is no evidence to believe he can do anything besides hold a clipboard.

The Vick move seems desperate and out of character for Reid. The wildcat is already yesterday’s news and will take no good defense by surprise. As soon as McNabb goes to the sideline for Vick you know what’s coming – and if they’re in there together, McNabb playing wide receiver is just a bad joke.

You really have to wonder how all the bad press, hype and commotion around Vick is going to help this team. And if McNabb has a bad game or several bad games, look out. The press is already salivating for McNabb vs. Vick storyline. All in all, way too much trouble for a one-dimensional player with huge character issues, at a position they were already strong at.

What Do You Got?

Provided McNabb and Westbrook stay healthy, this team should score some serious points. DeSean Jackson, Maclin, McCoy, Weaver, emerging TE Brent Celek - and of course, Westbrook - look to be the best collection of skill players McNabb has had since one Terrell Eldorado Owens was in town.

The offensive line could be good but looks to be a mess, at least for the first couple of games anyway. If Shawn Andrews plays, they’ll be solid. They lose him and McNabb won’t make it through the year.

The defense will kill this team. Any team with a good tight end and running back (like say, Dallas) will hammer them through the middle. Their corners and deep defensive line will be the strong points but the crushing losses of Dawkins, Johnson and Bradley seem way too much for this group to bear.

At best, they’re an offensive showcase that fires up a 9-7 in a non-playoff year.

At worst, they’re a defensive disaster constantly fighting to keep their head above water – eventually drowning with the worst record you could ever have as an NFL team: 8-8.

The Nuclear Option: Trading Ryan Howard

John Halligan — Fri, 23 May 2008 06:44:33 -0400

The Philadelphia Phillies, as currently constructed, cannot win a World Series.
They may slug their way to one, like Colorado last year. They may get hot and ride a wave to one again, like Colorado last year.

But as sure as the grass is green and the Schuylkill is brown, they will not win one with their current starting rotation.

Cole Hamels is a stud, an ace. A losing streak stopper. The rest of the rotation ranges from wildly inconsistent (Brett Myers) to flat out embarrassing (Adam Eaton).

With a farm system barren of major-league ready prospects, the only option appears to be a trade. And the biggest chip on that table is Ryan Howard.

First off, this is no rant based on Howard’s slow start this season. Personally, I like the guy and his attitude. Plus, he’s having a big week and looks to be coming out of that slump, like most thought he would.

It kills me to think of seeing him blasting moon shots for some other team. But if you think about the four major chips the Phils could deal for a front line, young starter, he’s the biggest and best chip they got.

The other three being:

Chase Utley

Utley is hands down the best second baseman in the game. Jimmy Rollins may dictate the personality of this team, but Utley has emerged as its leader. His hustle, attitude, clutch hitting, and cool-under-fire personality are just too much to give up. He is a guy who does all the little things and all the big things.

He hits for power, hits for average, knocks in runs, doesn’t strike out a lot, is a great base runner, and has improved a ton defensively. Plus his do-anything-to-win attitude is already legendary, and he is loved in Philly.

I would personally light the match to burn down the stadium if they ever traded this guy.

Jimmy Rollins

Asking who I would rather trade, Utley or Rollins, is like asking a man which of his kids he’d rather take in the rescue boat and which he’d leave sinking on the Titanic.

Jimmy Rollins, the current NL MVP by the way, is the guy who gets this thing going. While he’s not the prototypical leadoff guy because he strikes out too much and walks too little, he more than makes up for it with power, speed, and defense. His 2007 stat line of 30 HR, 94 RBI, 41 STL, 212 H, 38 2B, and 20 3B was just sick. And oh yeah, he won a Gold Glove last year as well.
Numbers aside, he gives the team a certain swagger that is noticeably missing when he’s not there.

Cole Hamels

He may be young, and from what you read, he may be a little over anxious for his big-bucks payday, but he is the one shining light in the deep, dark crater the Phillies call a rotation.

15-5, 3.39 ERA with 177 strikeouts in only his second full season, Hamels is already a star in a pitching-starved league at 25. He doesn’t throw hard, so he’s not (relatively) at as much risk for the traditional young pitcher injuries. And he displays more poise on the mound than guys with double his experience.

The guy is a winner, who, if healthy, can be the rock of this rotation for years to come. Plus he’s a lefty. Trading him sends one message to your team and fans: we hate you.

Which brings us to Howard. His power numbers are ridiculous: 142 HR and 384 RBI coming into this season in basically two-and-a-half seasons. He is the fastest player to 100 home runs in history. He was Rookie of the Year in 2005 and MVP in 2006. In short, he has big-time box-office and trade value.

The problem, unlike the other guys, is that he has holes in game. He set the record for strikeouts last year with 199, and is on pace to shatter it this year. He’s a house, so obviously he’s slow—which would be forgivable if he played great D—but he doesn’t.

He’s currently making $10 million this year, which he won in arbitration. But he’s not eligible to be a free agent until after the 2011 season. Therefore giving the club (whoever that club is) some sort of negotiating leverage.

A quick glance around the league and a lot of teams could use a guy with a stick like this.

An even quicker snap judgment tells us that considering what the Phils need and what the other team needs—and what the other team has to have to pay Howard—a good fit would be a team like the San Francisco Giants.

The Giants are loaded with talented, young pitching, but they can’t score runs to save their lives. They have no legit power-threat. Their best hitter is Aaron Rowand, who is having a great season, but will never hit over 30 home runs in that park. Forget it.

Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain are two young right-handers who would look good in anyone’s rotation, especially the Phillies. They have Noah Lowry scheduled to come back in mid-June. I know Zito has stunk so far, but you have to believe he isn’t this bad. Plus, they’re stuck with him anyway. No one will be stepping up to take that $126 million contract.

Pitching, ironically, is the one commodity they could stand to lose. Power is the one thing they (and their season-ticket buying fans by the way) desperately want. Especially after a certain right fielder left town last year. What was that guy’s name again?

If you could have your pick, you’d have to take Lincecum. He throws gas. He’s got the best natural stuff of anyone, and he is still learning the league. Cain would probably be next. They’re both 24.

I’m not saying I want to see Howard run out of town or traded away just because he strikes out too much. If there was another way, a faster way, to cash in on Utley, Rollins, Hamels and Howard’s prime, I’d be all for it.

But as of now, I don’t see it. All I see is Kyle Kendrick pitching with men on base every inning, Jamie Moyer getting older by the second, and Adam Eaton junk-balling his way to another early hook.

And because I’d liked to see the Philies win a World Series before I have to use a walker to get around, I see Ryan Howard headed out of town.

Chad Johnson to the Philadelphia Eagles: the Impossible Dream

John Halligan — Tue, 20 May 2008 14:55:27 -0400

Ever since a certain Terrell Eldorado Owens left town a few years back, the Philadelphia Eagles haven’t been the same.

Yes, Brian Westbrook has broken out and become a premiere running back. But besides Westbrook, the team, and the offense, has either been stagnant or in a downward trend. Take last year’s pathetic red-zone production (45 percent, 24th in the league).

If not for Jeff Garcia’s Travolta-like rebirth and incredible drive to the playoffs (which of course ended when Andy Reid gagged and punted late in the game to a Saints team that had been running wild on them all day), this team may not have had an over-.500 finish since that glorious, ill-fated ’04-’05 season.

While Donovan McNabb’s health has been an on-and-off issue, his supporting cast continues to be a steadily confounding one. Kevin Curtis, Reggie Brown, LJ Smith...stop me when I mention someone that actually scares an opposing defense.

Last year’s up-and-down—ultimately down—year of 8-8 is just not good enough. The addition of Asante Samuel on defense will surely help the turnovers go up for the defense, a problem the last couple of years.

The other, more glaring problem is that Asante Samuel doesn’t play receiver. And that’s what they need. Desperately.

They tried with Larry Fitzgerald, but that didn’t work.

They tried with Randy Moss. Ha, that was funny.

They tried with Roy Williams, and apparently they weren’t able to out-fox that crafty receiver collector, Matt Millen.

They may still try with Anquan Boldin. Who knows?

Which leaves us with one real option: Mr. Cincinnati, Chad Johnson.

Johnson is the one guy out there, who if he sticks to his pledge, will be available at some point before the start of the season. Unlike promising rookie DeShaun Jackson, Johnson is a proven NFL commodity. A Pro-Bowl receiver who needs a change of scenery like Andy Reid needs a diet: real bad.

He helps this team right here, right now.

With Johson in the fold, this team is suddenly very dangerous. Curtis, Brown, and Johnson are a very good receiving corps. Curtis is a great, fast outside compliment to Johnson, who will go anywhere on the field. Add superstar Westbrook, a now healthy LJ Smith, and an (presumably) ecstatic, rejuvenated Donovan McNabb, and they can play with, and beat, anyone.

So here it is, a short list of why this will happen and, of course, why it won’t.

Will Happen: Andy Reid is not a dummy.

If the failed pursuit of Moss and Fitzgerald tells us anything, it’s that Reid is not a total idiot, living in a self-delusional bubble. He knows they need help, and he has tried to get it. He even drafted Jackson with a second-round pick, even though at this point his contribution is seen more in the return game. You have to believe if the Bengals give them any opening, they will look into it.

Won’t Happen: Marvin Lewis is a dummy.

If he was smart, he would’ve stopped with the tough talk aimed at Chad, and traded him to Washington for two No.1 picks on draft day. Two No. 1 picks! Someone in the organization better tell Sheriff Lewis that his job is to win games, not to try and settle personal issues in the media. Not trading a guy who may not play this year, and even if does will make himself a huge distraction, for two No. 1 picks is the definition of stupid.

Look what the Eagles ultimately got for standing up to Owens: a measly cash settlement and the joy of playing against him twice a year in Dallas.

Added Bonus: Now that Washington drafted two receivers back-to-back in the second round, you have to believe their interest in Johnson has at least cooled.

Will Happen: Chad Johnson can be really annoying.

Johnson has barely started the kind of verbal volleys that got T.O. kicked out of Philly, and already we have seen Carson Palmer and Lewis giving annoyed, frustrated answers to questions about Johnson. What happens when the season actual gets started and reporters are asking everyday about him? Not to mention the several hundred thousand interviews Johnson himself is bound to do.

Won’t Happen: Salary cap hit.

I don’t pretend to fully understand this, but it appears that if the Bengals cut or trade Johnson, they will reportedly have to take a cap hit of anywhere from $5 to $8 million. $8 mill for a player who won’t be wearing your uniform this year is not a good deal. Seems like stuff like this can get worked out in negotiations if you have a flexible trading partner, but it doesn’t look good.

Won’t Happen: Drew Rosenhaus is Johnson’s agent.

Three words: Driveway. Press. Conference.

Will Happen: Lito Shepherd.

Last time I checked, the Bengals defense was either getting scored on or going to the clink. Lito Shepherd is a Pro-Bowl corner, and at 27 is in the prime of his career. He has missed some games in the past due to injury, but when he plays, he is a difference maker.

I’m not sure if the Bengals know that Shepherd is available, but he is. Hmm, two teams with needs, two teams with players who could help the other—and they’re in different conferences.

Won’t Happen: Terrell Eldorado Owens.

As great as Owens was in ’04, his outsized personality, greed, and mouth were that bad in ’05. Reid was never in favor of Owens and his baggage coming to Philly, having been persuaded by Eagle management and McNabb. Something tells me he is no hurry to get another potential time bomb—no matter much he would help them out.

Will Happen: They don’t need him.

One thing that Bengals haven’t had problems with is scoring points, and Johnson has been a part of that. But what ultimately has it gotten them? The fact is, T.J. Houshmandzadeh (28 TDs last three seasons) is just as good as Johnson (24 TDs last three seasons).

Rudi Johnson is a solid, steady back. And Carson Palmer is arguably a top-five quarterback. Cutting Chris Henry doesn’t even hurt that much, because he’s barely been there the last two years. With or without Johnson, this team will score enough points to win games.

Will Happen: Odell Thurman.

After waiting around and supporting this clown for the past two years, the Bengals decided they’ve had enough, and cut the trouble-making Thurman over the amount of time he was away from the team on a family matter (a funeral, actually). Which after all the other nonsense he’s pulled, seems a little odd to say the least.

The reason I mention this is that maybe this—combined with the cutting of Henry—is a sign that the Bengals are looking to right this ship and go for the proverbial clean slate by parting ways with all the problems in their locker room. I think it’s safe to say Johnson fits into that category.

Ultimately, it’s going to be up to Johnson to bust out of Bengal-land, because he has a contract—not that that has ever stopped a highly motivated, highly talented receiver in this league.

Seeing that Lewis has already called Johnson’s bluff in public, the next move is Johnson’s. Will he back down and vow to play nice, or will he up the ante on Lewis and start the real fireworks?

I don’t know where this ends up, but I do know that Philly loves a good fireworks show.

Chase Utley = MVP: Most Valuable Phillie

John Halligan — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:03:11 -0400

Yeah, it’s early.

Yeah, he needs to stay healthy.

But if Chase Utley stays on the field, it’s going to take a Matt Holliday-sized effort for someone to take the MVP trophy from him and Philly.

The previous two seasons, Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins have won the award with huge years and killer Augusts and Septembers.

Two years ago in September when Howard hit three home runs, (No’s. 50, 51, 52) in one game against Tim Hudson to pretty much lock the award up is a prime example of that.

But with Rollins out for at least two more weeks and Howard off to what is becoming a perennial slow start, it’s been up to Utley (with a hand from Pat Burrell) to carry the team.

And that’s pretty much what he’s done, hitting .354 with nine homers and 19 RBI.

In fact, he’s either tied for the lead, leading or in the top-10 of most major offensive National League categories.

True, his defense has been a little spotty to start the year, specifically his throwing, but his defense is usually there when the team needs him, like last night in Colorado.

Bases loaded, with one out and already trailing 3-0 in the third when Utley saved at least two runs and probably the game with some spectacular glove work.

Rockies second baseman Clint Barmes hit a shot up the middle, which kicked off the mound and was headed for center field when Utley dove to his right, snared the ball and shoveled it from his glove to shortstop Eric Bruntlett, who completed the impressive double play.

Struggling starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick didn’t deserve the good fortune but looked very thankful anyway on the way back to dugout. But he’s another story.

By the way, Utley went on to go 2-for-5, with his 18th RBI and ninth home run of the season and the fifth straight game he’s homered in.

He also came within a can of Coors Light of hitting No. 10 when he blasted another ball just barely foul later in the game.

Whether you’re a Phillies fan or not, you have to appreciate his no-nonsense, do-anything-to-win approach.

He is clearly the best second baseman in the league and plays the game the way many no-heart, showoff players never could. He’s a throwback player with the modern day skills to get it done. And you should be rooting for him.

Unless, of course, you’re a Mets fan.

Bleacher Report Exclusive! Andy Reid's Top Secret Draft Day To-Do List

John Halligan — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 14:13:11 -0400

In a Bleacher Report Exclusive, we have obtained a copy of Eagles Coach Andy Reid’s draft day to-do list. The ultra-meticulous Reid is known to script everything from the team first 15 offensive plays to what the team cafeteria serves for lunch.

The list itself is a detailed, blow by blow look inside the tip-lipped Reid’s schedule and draft day process. Eagles fans will no doubt be fascinated by the coach’s habits, off the record comments and projections for what will and might happen this April 26 and 27: Draft Day in the NFL.

7:00 AM (EST)
Wake up, shower, get dressed and make a note to return phone messages of Mike Mayock and Mel Kiper. Delete messages from Todd McShay.

7:45 AM
Eat standard breakfast of seven eggs, five pancakes, three pieces of white toast, orange juice and half pound of scrapple.

8 AM
Make note to laminate this to-do list, will be carrying it around all day.

8:45 AM
Arrive at NovaCare Center and park in (Team President) Joe Banner’s parking spot.

9:15 AM
Check email. Ignore Chad Johnson and his agent’s pleads to come play in Philly.
Ignore Carson Palmer’s personal email pleading for Chad Johnson to play in Philly.

9:30 AM
Arrive in draft war room. See how bad (GM Tom) Heckert and the scouts have mucked-up the player board. Straighten everyone out and remind them who’s in charge around these parts.

11 AM
Finalize draft strategy with Banner, Heckert and staff. Remind everyone that wide receivers and linebackers are not necessary to good football teams, no matter what history and common sense tell you. Point to New England (pre-Moss) as examples of teams who won with mid-range receiver talent, while casually forgetting to mention that Tom Brady is their quarterback.

11:40 AM
Give Heckert a couple of bucks and tell him to get the boys “some Starbucks or something.”

12:50 PM
Pretend not to know Roy Williams of the Lions is available when asked by ESPN’s Sal Palontonio and, of course, show no interest.

1:30 PM
Eat normal lunch of two pizza steak sandwiches, cheese fries, chocolate milkshake and Tastykakes.

1:45 – 2:30 PM
Take Nap. Dream of new offensive linemen.

2:45 PM
Call wife Tammy. Make sure no family member has been arrested.

2:47 PM
Enter draft room and make sure helmet phone is within arm’s reach.

2:48 PM
Send following text to Mel Kiper: two words baby: o-lineman.

2:55 PM
Turn on ESPN and crack open Diet Coke.

3:00 PM
As Miami is officially put on the clock pretend to call Parcells and offer McNabb and Westbrook for the number one pick. When staff freaks, yell “Psych!”

3:12 PM
Say, “Great pick,” as Miami selects future journeyman Jake Long.

3:50 PM
Listen to Joe Banner tell ESPN’s Sal Palontonio that the Eagles might need another playmaker on offense.

3:52 PM
Slap Joe Banner.

4:18 PM
Field first serious offer for Lito Sheperd: Chad Johnson and Bengals third round pick (77 overall) for Lito and one of your three six round picks. Remark to staff, “Chad Johnson, why do we need him? Is something wrong with Greg Lewis?”

4:45 PM
Refer to last year’s draft as a “work in progress,” when asked on-air by ESPN’s Chris Berman.

4:48 PM
Remember to further embarrass franchise quarterback Donovan McNabb by talking about the “great progress” of last year’s first pick Kevin Kolb in future interviews.

5:10 PM
Call into WIP-610 AM and give fans false hope by telling audience that you know team need playmakers and intend to address them today. Try not to laugh as you say this.

5:34 PM
Speak to Lito Shepherd’s agent and tell him there’s surprising little interest in Lito. Despite the fact that you have turned down 31 offers for him.

5:48 PM
Call Minnesota’s Brad Childress and hang up on him, seconds before the Vikings draft time has expired.

5:49 PM
Call Minnesota’s Brad Childress and ask him, “Why in the hell do you take that guy?” No matter who they select.

6:00 PM
Get serious about this draft thing.

6:15 PM
Laugh out loud at the Houston Texan’s pick.

6:16 PM
Philadelphia Eagles officically on the clock.

6:26 PM
Use full 10 minutes to make people think you’re not going to take the best available offensive lineman…whom you take wholeheartedly. YEAH! We did it!

6:28 PM
Get ‘Super Bowl, Super Bowl’ chant going in war room. Hi-five Banner hard enough to hurt his elf-like hand.

More coming from Coach Reid’s Draft Day to-do list. Check back soon.

No Mick, You're a Bum! The Best and Worst Movie Managers Ever

John Halligan — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:46:36 -0400

First off, let’s be clear: For the sake of this article the term "manager" is used liberally. It’s not just a list of cinematic baseball managers. It’s a list of (fake) coaches/managers/spiritual advisors who may have inspired a bunch of other (fake) people to great highs or great lows.

Let’s proceed.

THE WORST

Mickey Goldmill, (Burgess Meredith, Rocky I, II, III)

It’s not that Mick didn’t do a decent job of preparing Rock for his first fight against Apollo, because by all accounts he did. It’s just that every time he had a chance, Mick threw Rock under the bus.

Early in Rocky after a tough win over Spider Rico, Mick gives Rock no respect, calling Rico a bum. Then in a petty money dispute he takes away Rock’s locker and refuses to train him anymore.

But when Rocky hits the boxing lottery and gets the fight with Apollo "The Master of Disaster" Creed, who knocks on Rocky’s door with literally hat in hand? You guessed it.

Even after all that, Rocky takes Mick back, and they have a vigorous training sequence, which Mick responds to by telling Rocky to stay down after being floored by a vicious Creed uppercut in the 14th round.

Yeah, thanks buddy.

Later on, Mick’s revelation in Rocky III that most of Rock’s post-Apollo fights were handpicked patsies designed to "protect" him, only solidified what we already knew. In hindsight, it looks like Clubber did Rocky a big favor by pushing Mick down those stairs.

Pop Fisher (Wilford Brimley, The Natural)

There’s a reason why Pop Fisher never won a pennant until Roy Hobbs got there: He’s stupid.

Waiting to play Hobbs, or even see what he has in the batting cage, while sticking with the underachieving Bump Bailey in leftfield was ridiculous. If Bailey didn’t help Fisher out by fatally crashing through that outfield wall, Hobbs may have never gotten a chance—even after literally knocking the cover off the ball.

At one point, Hobbs practically has to beg to stay with the big league Knights after walking out of team hypnosis session, another one of Fisher’s genius ideas.

And couldn’t Fisher also do something about his bad luck charm niece Memo, the one who poisons Hobbs and almost costs them the pennant?

Pops was right about one thing: He should’ve been a farmer.

OVERRATED

Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness, Star Wars)

Sure the naïve, solar hayseed Luke Skywalker buys into Ben’s mumbo jumbo about "The Force," but instead of spending time instructing Luke on the ways of this "Force," Ben basically commits suicide by turning off his light saber and letting Vader tee off on him unguarded, which in turn screws us the viewer, because we have to watch Mark Hamill "act" distraught the next half hour or so.

And more importantly, Kenobi screws Yoda, who at this stage of his career was just looking to retire peacefully in his swamp-side Dagobah bungalow and now has to instruct the soon-to-be wayward Skywalker.

DISHONORABLE MENTION

Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne, The Matrix)

So, let me get this straight: Morpheus picks Neo out of the Matrix, tells him he’s the savior, and starts helping him learn kung-fu and stop bullets.

Fair enough, but then we learn Neo isn’t the one and Morpheus was just some sort of trash-talking prophet when Neo meets the architect. But then the Oracle tells Neo...you know what, forget it. No one cares.

THE BEST

Norman Dale, (Gene Hackman, Hoosiers)

Early in his Hickory coaching career, Coach Dale incurred the wrath of the Hickory townsfolk when he elected to go four-on-five instead of re-inserting a smart-mouthed insubordinate player. Right then and there you and the townsfolk knew Coach Dale meant business.

Sure, he had some problems in the past—something about hitting a former player—but in Hickory, Coach Dale showed amazing people skills when he gave local boozehound shooter (Dennis Hooper) an assistant job with the stipulation that he stays sober.

Finally in the big state title game, Coach Dale was smart enough not to out-coach himself. When he doesn’t call the final play for his assassin-like two guard Jimmy Chitwood and the team reacts negatively, he quickly reverses course after Jimmy assures him with a stone serious, "I’ll make it."

Well played Coach Dale, well played.

Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop, (Paul Newman, Slap Shot)

Over-the-hill player-coach Reggie Dunlop, while self-admittedly not the best x-and-o guy or player motivator, pulled off both to great success in Slap Shot.

Reading the writing on the wall, Dunlop knew the Chiefs future in Charlestown was at best uncertain. So what does he do? He sells everyone a fish story about the team moving to Florida and scores a marketing master stroke by choosing to bring a new a style to the Chiefs that can best be described as "gooning it up."

Where others saw nothingness, Reg saw hope. Where others saw three geeks with tin foil taped to their hands, Reg saw the now-legendary Hanson Brothers. The blood and the wins came soon thereafter.

Also important to note: He did most of this wearing killer bell-bottoms and floor length leather jackets and driving a sweet muscle car. Bravo.

UNDERRATED

Paul Crewe (Burt Reynolds, The Longest Yard)

Crewe is another quality player-coach in the Reggie Dunlap mode. His number rule might have been "protect the superstar" (him) but when the inmates versus the guards game was on the line, he came through big time for the Mean Machine.

Not only did he resist the scumbag warden’s shady offer to play for the guards (and coincidentally bang his secretary), but he puts together, coaches, and scores the game winner for the inmates, knowing that that he will be screwed the rest of his time behind bars.

That my friend is what leadership is all about.

HONORABLE MENTION

Lou Brown (James Gammon, Major League)

Besides knowing how to manage a locker room full of different personalities (Cerrano and Eddie Harris? Please.), Brown knew how to motivate players. Like when he would tear a piece of clothing off of the life-size standup of the team’s trampy owner every time they won a game down the stretch. Or when he let moneybags third baseman Roger Dorn know exactly how he felt about a particular clause in his contract by relieving himself on it.

Crude? Yes.

Effective? Hell, yeah.

Delbert Grady (Phillip Stone, The Shining)

Certainly not a conventional choice, seeing that The Shining isn’t really a sports movie, but Grady is a solid choice nonetheless. Without Grady’s inspiration and guidance (remember he alerted Jack that Scatman Crothers was on his way up from Florida to cause problems), Jack’s season would’ve ended much earlier than he, or we for that matter, would’ve liked.

True, Jack let his emotions get the better of him causing him to eventually freeze to death in a hedge maze, but not because of any bad advice or game planning from the shrewd Grady.

Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau, The Bad New Bears)

Bringing his cooler of brew and not much else to Bears games, Buttermaker changes gears quickly when he recruits Amanda Whurlitzer, the ace pitcher daughter of an old girlfriend.

Through this one genius move that John Schuerholz would be jealous of, Buttermaker also gets the big stick the Bears lineup needs in bad seed outfielder, Kelly Leak. And before you can say Chico’s Bail Bonds, the Bears are on their way.

Not bad for a drunken pool cleaner.

That’s the list for now. Obviously, the selection process was both exhaustive and scientific. The above choices were only arrived at after many, many hours of research, debate, and data analysis. Special thanks to everyone at imdb.com.

Tom Gordon and Phillies' Bullpen Welcome Fans to New Season

John Halligan — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 07:51:16 -0400

Tom Gordon strikes again.

Like the Ghost of Opening Days Past, Gordon came into a tie game to begin the season and blew it up. Bad.

Bad to the tune of five earned runs, one walk, and four hits all in an economic one-third of an inning. A 6-6 game quickly became an 11-6 game, shredding any hope that the Phillies would actually get off to a good start.

Now, that’s not to say the Phils won’t bounce back and take two out of three from the Nationals, but why does it always have to be the hard way?

And let’s not leave out Ryan Madsen, who came in for a two-hit, two-run quickie in the sixth, setting up Jimmy Rollins’ game-tying two-run bomb. I mean, I know Gordon had good years in Boston and New York, but besides his first year, Madsen has been an enigma at best.

The question: is it going be like this all season?

You have to believe that, barring major melt down, Lidge will perform better than Gordon has in the last couple of years. He is scheduled to come off the DL Saturday and should be available for that game in Cincinnati.

And with thank-god-for-him lefty set-up man J.C. Romero, things shouldn’t be all bad.

But as much as I would want them to, Romero and Lidge can’t pitch every night. And something tells me that a rotation with Adam Eaton, Jamie Moyer, and Kyle Kendrick will keep that bullpen phone ringing.

I know it’s only one game, but how many times do we have to see Gordon get hammered to know he doesn't have it anymore?

Recently, it seems like every year the Phils get off to a bad start and it’s largely caused by a reliever named Gordon or Madsen.

And yet as Utley and Rollins both homered in the seventh to tie things up at six and get the crowd back into things, you felt—no, hoped—that this year would be different. That last year’s frenetic run-down of the Mets somehow changed them, made them stronger and capable to get out of this, by comparison, minor mess.

Enter Gordon. Exit hope.

The other part is that the Phillies probably know Gordon is done but they truly have no one else to fill his role, whether that is fill-in closer or righty set-up for when Lidge comes back.

I say that because today they signed 39-year-old Rudy Seanez, who was waived by the Dodgers after posting a lusty 7.71 ERA in spring training.

You don’t sign a 39-year-old guy with 7.71 ERA if you’re all set in the bullpen. Although, Seanez is coming off a decent year in L.A., where he went 6-3 with a 3.79 ERA in a career high 73 appearances.

But still, that sick feeling every Phillies fan had yesterday was a very familiar one. The constant nagging reminder that pitching will somehow, someway bring this team down. And another year will be lost for what is a fantastic core of players in Utley, Howard, and Rollins.

I know it’s a long season and if anything, last season proved that old axiom true, winning the division on the last day. But I’m sick of this pitching already and we haven’t seen Eaton or Kendrick yet.

It’s just never easy with this team, is it?

New Year's Day: A View From the Couch

John Halligan — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 16:15:44 -0500

Here are a couple of observations and realizations made from a nice 13-hour stint on the couch, in no particular order:

Watching USC predictably dismantle Illinois and then sitting through most of Georgia’s annihilation of Hawaii made me wonder: Why didn’t Georgia play USC?

And why does it take me a half hour to come up with that while the people who actually get paid to do it can’t come up with it at all?

I’m sick of watching Pete Carroll smile through another joke of a bowl game. Everyone said Illinois had no business in that game and they ended up proving it. USC toyed with them for about two and a half quarters then put the hammer down in the third.

Now all the USC people will be talking about being number one because they beat the crap out of another fraud Big Ten team. And predictably they will all forget about that loss to 41-point underdog Stanford.

Hawaii should be another lesson to every so-called pollster out there. Teams from half-assed conferences (the WAC for instance) get waxed against teams from good conferences, let alone teams from the SEC. And they shouldn’t be in big bowl games.

Georgia out-everythinged a team many were saying should be number one. They never had a chance and neither did we the viewers. Instead of a quality bowl game, I was left trolling through the TV channels praying to come across a Rocky Marathon or 18 hours of Eastwood.

And June Jones looks weird without that moustache.

Michigan beating Florida was shocking on many levels.

First off, a Big Ten team beating an SEC team in a bowl game is cause enough to be looking over your shoulder for the apocalypse. But losing the turnover battle (Michigan 4, Florida 0) and still winning is just flat unbelievable.

Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin tried, but Michigan won one for their beloved outgoing coach Lloyd Carr. A guy they loved so much they let a 1-AA team beat them in their season opener...At home.

It was good to see Urban Meyer not smile on the sideline during another joke of a bowl game.

And finally, hockey. Specifically, outdoor hockey played in Buffalo. Just fantastic. I have seen how the NHL will be saved and it will be by taking it outside. This needs to happen more often and for bigger games, possibly their All-Star Game.

Hockey has been homogenized for too long in cookie-cutter corporate arenas. It happened to baseball in the 70’s with their astro-turf, multi-use, concrete toilet bowl stadiums. And going retro (see: Yards, Camden) started a resurgence that they are still riding.

Going outdoors not only makes it look more interesting looking, especially on HD, it makes it a more interesting game. Weather becomes a part of the strategy, in game and during the season. It could be an advantage for certain teams, like in football, where everyone is afraid of going to Green Bay for a playoff game.

Warm weather teams will obviously have to stay indoors or the NHL could get smart and just fold ridiculous franchises like Nashville, Atlanta, and Tampa Bay, among others. Hockey will always be a regional game. Get over it an embrace it.

Thankfully I didn’t watch any NBA.