Bleacher Report - Articles by ChatterBalks

MLB All-Star Game: Historic Yankee Stadium Events Not Mentioned by Fox

ChatterBalks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:54:50 -0400

Those of you who watched the All-Star Game may have noticed that a significant portion of Fox’s telecast was devoted to showing important and memorable moments in the history of Yankee Stadium, even as the game went deep into extra innings.

But Fox was actually even more prepared than they let on—they had many more nuggets of information about the historic stadium that they never got a chance to broadcast. Chatterbalks has obtained exclusive access to the notes prepared for Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, and we are proud to present them to you.

July 18, 1999—David Cone’s Perfect Game

A year after David Wells threw his perfect game, David Cone also achieves the feat. Truly a great day in baseball history. But no one cared, because David Cone wasn’t a fat piece of shit.

May 18, 1998—David Wells Eats a Moderately Sized Lunch

In recognition of his incredible achievement, David Wells ate a lunch consisting of nothing more than a ham sandwich, a bag of chips, and a Coke. Some reporters even claim that he left three entire roast beef sandwiches just sitting on the team buffet table.

Later, he ate a lamb for a midafternoon snack.

September 14, 1981—The Battle of the Bulge

This name generally refers to the last major German offensive in World War II, but in this context, it merely concerns a competition between Reggie Jackson and Dave Winfield regarding their pants.

Winfield won.

October 1, 1932—Babe Ruth’s Called Shot

Sure, some students of the game might claim that this happened at Wrigley Field, but they’re all a bunch of commies. It’s a scientific fact that every great moment in the career of everyone who was ever a Yankee happened at Yankee Stadium.

December 16, 620—Mohammed Ascends to Heaven on a Winged Horse

For those of you who’ve read the Koran—and if you have, get yourself to jail, you terrorist—this is stated pretty clearly. Mohammed met all the old prophets, like Abraham and Jesus, chatted them up for a while, and then took off from Monument Park.

June 4 to June 7, 1942—Battle of Midway

It’s a little known fact that the turning point in the Pacific Theater in World War II took place in the right field of Yankee Stadium. Joe DiMaggio personally came over from center field to sink the Japanese aircraft carrier Sōryū.

For this important contribution to the war effort, he was given what appeared to be a gift certificate to Arby’s. On closer inspection, the reverse side said, "Psyche! You’re drafted!"

January 15, 1184 BC—Moses Brings the Ten Commandments Down from the Upper Deck

Not everyone knows that "Mount Sinai" is actually Hebrew for "Yankee Stadium."

The Bandwagon Came Early This Year: Chicago Deep-Dish Style

ChatterBalks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:43:32 -0400

Picture: Tears of joy ran down my face when I saw this

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Remember what it was like in the winter of 2004 and the spring on 2005, when you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing a god-damn Red Sox hat or shirt?

Remember when you went up and asked them to name five players on the 2004 Sox team not named Ortiz, Ramirez, Martinez, Damon, or Schilling, and they couldn’t even name one?

Well, the bandwagon’s back baby, and this time the train came early, courtesy of the north side of Chicago.

In the past, no matter how bad your team did during the season, you could tell yourself “Hey, at least the Cubs still haven’t won a World Series!”

In fact, I still revel in the misery felt by every Cubs fan after a playoff loss. I wish I knew Steve Bartman so I could thank him for making me so happy. If I saw anyone sporting Cubs gear, I could drunkenly belittle their team for as long as I wanted, and they could not rebut.

But now it’s getting hard to find an actual Cubbie fan to make fun of.

I went to the Dodger/Cubs series at Dodger Stadium a while back, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Usually Dodger Stadium is filled with unruly Mexicans who would literally kill people in the parking lot for wearing a Giants jersey. On this particular weekend, things were very very off:

A) The place was almost sold out. This occasion is usually reserved for when the Red Sox or the Yankees are in town (this is a general rule, no matter what stadium you’re in).

B) The usual gaggle of angry Latinos was replaced by middle aged, white D-bags wearing collared shirts with cargo shorts and twenty-year-old frat boy douche-bags wearing the exact same thing.

C) They were all wearing Cubs hats. Hell, I even saw people wearing Cubs visors. Seriously bro, a visor?

The fact of the matter is the Cubs of 2008 are the Boston Red Sox of 2004. And the hard truth for lifelong Cubs fans is that you will now know what it feels like to be a Boston fan from pre-2004.

You’ll be at a sports bar hanging out with some friends and pounding a few brews. Out of the corner of your eye you’ll catch D-Lee hitting a dinger on the TV and start to casually clap/cheer. They you’ll hear an raucous echo and you’ll look around.

Every father, mother, son, and uncle in the joint will be wearing a big, fat, red “C” on their blue cap, and they’ll all be cheering. They might even proposition you with for a high-five that you’ll reluctantly accept because you have no clue what’s going on.

“Why are there other Cubs fans in (insert state not named Illinois)?”

Simple: Because they’re assholes.

And you, true Cubs fans, will be grouped together with those bandwagon bastards, and you can do nothing to stop it. You’ll tell people you’ve been a fan since birth, and you'll try to plead with them, but no one will listen. And this is how it’s been since the inception of competitive sports.

The problem I have is that they still haven’t won anything.

The Cubs have been good before, but the bandwagon has never come this quickly and this early, which is sort of unexplainable. That is, until you actually start thinking like a wishy-washing, flip-flopping fan.

They all saw what happened in Boston four years ago, and they tried to jump on the train, but it was already way over capacity. They all saw something special happening and wanted to be a part of the triumph over adversity (down 3-0) and over the 86-year-old curse of the Bambino.

But they couldn’t because their astute friends called them out on their bullshit by reminding them that just six month before, they were sporting a Yankees hat.

So they went and sulked in the corner and waited. Waited for a team who has been even MORE historically awful than the Red Sox, and an even cooler curse stopping them from winning it all (nothing is cooler than a gypsy-goat curse).

And they’re going to jump on the opportunity early and start sporting a Cubbies hat, maybe even get some photographic evidence, so they can remind their friends that they have been wearing one all year long.

How can you stop this from happening?

Well, friends of sports jerks unite. Be aware if your friend has bandwagon tendencies. If they liked the Bulls in the '80s and early '90s, and then started randomly liking the Lakers in 2000, then watch out.

They’ll probably be wearing a Cubs hat by the end of August. It is you solemn duty as a sports fans to remind your friends of their allegiances and ridicule them if they change due to championship seasons.

Don’t pull punches. Go after their mothers, wives, children, and especially their manhood. Do what it takes to teach them the lesson of team allegiance. Stand by your team in the thick AND the thin of things. That’s what real sports fans do.

And I just want to make this clear.

I am NOT making a Cubs World Series prediction. In fact, WHEN they lose in the NLDS or maybe the NLCS, I will be laughing. I will be laughing like I do every year, but this time will be a little different. I’ll laugh a little softer at the real Cubs fans out there, and I will laugh hysterically at all the bandwagon fans who will no doubt be making a beeline to buy a Tampa Bay Rays hat in anticipation for the 2009 season.

-Burns for Chatterbalks.com

Brian Fuentes Is Being Courted By an Amish Family

ChatterBalks — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 20:00:20 -0400

MILLERSBERG, OH—As the trading deadline for baseball looms in the distance, Rockies' closer Brian Fuentes has become quite the hot commodity amongst major-league teams. The Devil Rays, A’s, and Yankees have all inquired with the Rockies about obtaining the closer; however, the real dark-horse candidate is lurking on the outskirts of Canton, Ohio, in a tiny Amish village.

ESPN’s Peter Gammons reports that the Platt family of Millersberg, Ohio is “strongly courting” the lefty closer to work on their farmstead. The Amish family has contacted Rockies GM Dan O’ Dowd several times over the past day via carrier pigeons and messenger boys, all of them iterating that the Amish family has much value in their “farm system” for the Rockies.

“Well, we are quite the small organization,” said head of household Dan Platt, as he leaned back in his 1800s-style rocking chair, chuckling. “It’s basically just myself, my beautiful wife Mary, and our six amazing children. But we have been scouting Brian (Fuentes) for quite a while, and we think we can put that arm to work in more ways than just one.”

The Platts have owned a modest cheese farm for the better part of the 1900s, and they’ve seen a recent downturn in revenue as a result of rising fuel costs.

This is only the second time a non-baseball organization has contacted a major-league team about a ballplayer. It happened last in 1996, when the Colorado Rockies traded infielder Craig Counsell to the Sbarro’s restaurant in Tallahassee, Florida (Counsell was traded for the two-slice lunch combo with an upgraded drink size).

More often than not, teams will go after young talent in order to simultaneously reduce payroll size and maintain long-term control of the newly-returned players.

All of which fits right into Dan Platt’s offer to the Colorado Rockies: RP Brian Fuentes for a mill, three calves, and ‘a portable picture taker.’

“Personally, I think the Rockies are getting long-term viability with this move,” says Platt. “Over the next two seasons, those three calves alone will provide over 6,000 gallons of the best milk Holmes County has to offer. We have no need for the portable picture taker, as it was a gift from the in-laws. We prefer our soul to stay intact, thank you.”

Rockies officials have not responded to the Platt’s offer as of publishing date.

Baseball GMs Report Managers Really Suck This Week

ChatterBalks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:15:10 -0400

At our main site, there's two articles that wouldn't post here for some reason. Check them out!

John Gibbons of the Blue Jays was the latest manager to be fired this week, following the dismissals of Willie Randolph (Mets) and John McLaren (Mariners). These dismissals are making waves all over baseball, as GMs everywhere wonder why these managers suddenly suck so bad that they have to be fired.

"It doesn't make a lot of sense," said Mets GM Omar Minaya, who fired Randolph in the middle of the night following a Mets victory in Los Angeles. "Willie used to be totally good. He won 96 games two years ago and now he can't manage anymore. But I know that when I constructed this roster largely made up of old players who didn't have decent backups in case of injury or ineffectiveness, I gave Willie every chance to win. It's a shame that his managerial talents so completely deserted him."

Toronto GM JP Ricciardi agreed.

"You know, a couple years ago, we finished in front of the Red Sox with John at the helm, 87-75. You can look it up. But since then, it's like John's been a completely different manager. He hasn't been able to use A.J. Burnett, whom I went out and got to help this team. He managed Frank Thomas and Frank Thomas was pretty bad this year...I don't know what happened. My guess is he's not enough of a winner."

Ex-Seattle GM Bill Bavasi was running for his life and thus unavailable for comment, but McLaren felt free to discuss his fate.

"I guess the bottom line is I'm not a very good manager," he said. "I really don't know why anyone would think anything different. I mean, sure, every single player on my roster underperformed except for Felix Hernandez, but I'm the manager. I'm responsible for that. Every time Richie Sexson strikes out, I strike out. Every time Jose Vidro as our DH is terrible because he's a terrible hitter and has no place on this team, it's like I'm a terrible hitter who has no place on this team. Every time Erik Bedard does anything, it's like I'm overrated. That's why this whole season falls on me."

Added McLaren, "Seriously, Jose, a .590 OPS? I think I'm a little better than that."

Even managers whose jobs are not in jeopardy have been victimized by this latest happening, with the clearest examples being Cleveland's Eric Wedge and Colorado's Clint Hurdle. In all, this is a frightening trend in baseball where managers can lose all their talent very quickly and the great team that a GM built suddenly falls apart because of that.

We only hope the Tigers recover from their slow start and start clicking, because we couldn't bear to see anything happen to Jim Leyland.

An Open Letter to NFL Fans: the Season Ended in February

ChatterBalks — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:56:57 -0400

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Dear Yearlong NFL fan,

I’m not sure if you’re aware or not, but the NFL season ended in February, and it doesn’t really start again until September.

I would understand if you got excited in August, considering that’s when most fantasy leagues draft and the whole ‘preseason’ business begins. And I’ll even let it slide when you watch the whole two-day coverage of the NFL Draft in April and then proceed to tell me all about it on Monday.

But seriously, it’s June. The NBA finals, the Stanley Cup finals, and baseball are all (or were) going on right now. Your sport’s offseason does not take precedence over another sport's regular season, let along the f*%#@ finals.

Please spare me the ten-minute segments on SportsCenter about TO being on some obscure drug-testing list. I DON’T CARE. SHOW ME A WEB GEM OR GARNETT DUNKING ON SOMEONE! Hell, I’d settle for Ronny Turiaf.

Why is NFL live on at all right now? I don’t care that the Bills released some third-year, second-string defensive end that no one has ever heard of. And I certainly don’t care what Trey Wingo thinks about the running back situation in Chicago. You know when I’ll care about it? Well, never because the Bears suck. But even if it was a team I liked, I won’t care until I’m planning on drafting a (albeit losing) fantasy team in August.

I understand if you don’t like baseball (Read: I understand you’re intellectually stunted and emotionally immature), but there are plenty of sports to go around*.

I’d even stop making fun of soccer if you would just shut the hell up about the Panther’s secondary weaknesses. And if the only sport you like is football, I have a few suggestions for you.

Go Outside. Go for a walk, ride a bike, or I don’t know, put down your Miller High Life and interact with your spouse and/or kids. You could even throw a football around with your kid and realize why you started watching sports rather than playing them.

Read a Book. Yes, there is a purpose for written language other than an opinion piece about where Sean Alexander will end up playing next season. Start with something easy that most people read when they were in eighth grade (your assumed reading comprehension level).

Kill yourself. You are either too dumb to like another sport or too boring for anyone to interact with. Do the rest of society a favor and ram your temple into the corner of your desk.

No matter how much the NFL tries to draw out their coverage, I will not tolerate the absolute ignorance that is the yearlong NFL fan.

New rule: If it isn’t August through February, or the Draft, you are not allowed to watch, talk about, or blog about the NFL. If you break this law, you should be forced to watch the LPGA or the WNBA for more than fifteen minutes. Harsh, I know, but something drastic has to be done.

*Note: MMA does not count as an alternative to the NFL. Kimbo Slice is not an athlete.

2008 MLB Draft: A Real Mock Draft

ChatterBalks — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:38:47 -0400

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We've all seen the endless hype that seems to dominate every second of coverage on ESPN for the two months leading up to the NFL Draft, but did you know that baseball has a draft, too? It's true!

On Thursday, representatives from every major league front office will select the players who will fill out their rosters at the low-A ball, short season A-ball, and rookie-ball levels of the minors. In other words, they will be picking the superstars of tomorrow!

Well, not really tomorrow, so much as six years from now. And most of them will never amount to anything. And even most of the guys who do reach the majors will mostly be average players who aren't all that great.

But still! It's an exciting event! Which is why it is being aired on ESPN...at 2 p.m.! 2 p.m.! On a Thursday!

These are our predictions for the crucial first picks of the draft. We have developed a complex and scientific algorithm that takes into consideration many factors such as organizational depth, the thinking of each front office, and the fact that, according to baseball's by-laws, the Royals are never allowed to do anything right.

1. Tampa Bay Rays—Jesus (LHP)

Is it a coincidence that the year they drop the word "Devil" from their names, Tampa Bay suddenly gets really good? GM Andrew Friedman doesn't think so, and he's hit on a plan: go holier. This is the kind of no-brainer first pick that you rarely see in baseball's draft.

2. Pittsburgh Pirates—LeBron James (PF)

For a long time, the Cleveland Cavaliers were a laughingstock in the NBA, just like the Pirates are right now in baseball. And if the Cavs could turn things around by drafting LeBron, then why wouldn't it work for the Pirates?

It's a risky pick, but if it pays off, the Pirates will be dominant for the next decade. And if not, they can always just pull a "Pirates" and trade Jason Bay for five terrible outfielders.

3. Kansas City Royals—Chuck Knoblauch (2B)

Sure, you might say that this is illegal and insane, and makes no sense, but the Royals have recognized something: they will never be good again. So why fight it?

As an organization, they have made a conscious decision to go with the flow. They signed Brett Tomko, they signed Jose Guillen, and now they're drafting Chuck Knoblauch. Their only real disappointment is that Gil Meche didn't show up in the Mitchell Report.

4. Baltimore Orioles—Omar Little (RHP)

On the one hand, you could argue that Omar from The Wire is probably a fictional character. But, if you think about it, this pick makes some sense.

For one thing, Omar is very popular among athletes, as well as fans, and will probably revitalize the Orioles franchise, both in the clubhouse and in the stands. For another, the Orioles have had pitching problems for a long time, and everyone who saw him with his Latin boyfriend knows that Omar is definitely a pitcher.

5. San Francisco Giants—A Baby (3B)

For too long now, Giants GM Brian Sabean has heard all the jokes about how old the Giants are. And you know what? He's sick of them.

So to prove his detractors wrong, Sabean will select a random baby in the first round, and immediately install him at third for San Francisco. On the plus side for the Giants, the baby probably won't be much worse than Jose Castillo.

So there you have it: the first five picks of the draft. If they're wrong, don't blame us. Blame science.

Science, you're a jerk.

Los Angeles Angels: Joe Saunders Is Invisible To Teammates

ChatterBalks — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 14:59:12 -0400

ANAHEIM, CA - Joe Saunders (LAA) recently won his eighth decision. His record now stands at an amazing 8-2 (amazing only, that is, to Joe Saunders). Unfortunately, no one actually cares that the number four starting pitcher for the Angels has compiled a decent record. In fact, no one even knows.

I spoke with Joe’s mom in Springfield, Virginia in an attempt to find another person who actually gives a shit about this achievement. When asked to comment on her son’s success, Mrs. Saunders replied, “Joe’s still alive?”

After showing her pictures and articles about her boy’s accomplishments, Mrs. Saunders confirmed that Joe was indeed her son, yet she still agreed that no one should care that he’s 8-2. “He’ll probably blow it like he always does,” said Mrs. Saunders.

Joe has an ERA of 2.76, and at only 26 it appears that he’s only just approaching his full potential. He has been heard around the clubhouse as saying, “Hey guys, thanks for the run support. I can’t believe I’m eight and two, that’s quite an achievement.” To which other players have replied, “Did you guys hear something?”

According to ESPN, Joe’s average fantasy draft position is undrafted, which can be one of the reasons why no one knows of his success. The Angels haven’t had a pitcher start so well since 1978—before Saunders was even born. The pitcher to have that success? Frank Tenana. The only person that knows that fact? Frank Tenana.

The Angels have a long history of promoting freak pitchers with names like Abbott, Ryan, and Weaver. Sure, Joe Saunders might be 6-0 and he may have had decent seasons for the last two years.

But, sorry, Joe—unless you have only one arm, a country song written about you, or dumb hair, no one’s gonna care about your stupid 8-2, lame-o.

Mark Prior Injured: A Day That Will Live in Infamy

ChatterBalks — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 01:17:02 -0400

Mark Prior, born September 7th, 1980, was laid to pitching rest early Sunday.

Doctors performed season-ending surgery on his right shoulder. Absolutely no one saw this coming, AT ALL. Padres GM Kevin Towers didn’t see this coming. We didn’t see it coming (and we have a Mark Prior crystal ball!). So who did? We can only assume an evil, devilish deity is responsible for this pitching tragedy.

Let’s take a look back at this young man’s unfortunate life. Even from the day of inception, Mark William Prior was destined for injury.

1980 A clumsy prenatal worker drops baby Mark on his pitching shoulder. He is sent to Baby AA, where he recovers thumb sucking form rather quickly.

1992 Sixth grade Mark breaks arm in unfortunate outfield accident. Cubs sign Prior after learning he can throw a 101 mph heater—he and actor Gary Busey make dangerous 1-2 combo. Funky buttloving!

2001 Mark Prior injured receiving esteemed Dick Howser Trophy from alma mater USC. Steve Bartman later claims responsibility.

2004 French paparazzi get in wild car chase with Prior’s achilles tendon. Several bodily causalities occur.

2008 Prior’s arm is laid to rest in San Diego, several gravestones away from Mike Hampton’s left elbow and Darren Daulton’s psyche.

We had this entire sepia-toned slideshow prepared of images of Mark throughout the years, with Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train” blaring in the background.

Unfortunately, we let Dusty Baker get a hold of the video and he literally played the shit out of it, so we don’t have that anymore. But we do have the memories, and we will always cherish the times when we went “Hot damn! Mark Prior is injured yet again!”

Jim Leyland’s Smokehouse: A True Pain in the Ass

ChatterBalks — Thu, 29 May 2008 04:09:54 -0400

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Hello folks. The name is Leyland, Jim Leyland. And I’m here to tell ya’ll about somethin’ that’s choppin’ mah balls.

With technology gettin’ so advanced, it seems as though they still can’t solve the problems of homosexuals. Now, it’s not certain who’s a who and what’s a what in the major leagues, but I can point you to a source of worry:

Hemorrhoids and weathered man-butts.

All of a sudden, these Raggedy Andy’s claim their keesters are getting chafed. First, it started off with that Chinaman Kaz Matsui getting an anal fissure. Now, the whiners on my team are getting that Michael Crichton ass-syndrome.

I’m talking about you, Carlos Guillen. Why don’t you buck up and start playin’ more positions like my boy Brandon Inge, as opposed to barely being able to sit on the bench because of your untolerable hemorrhoids? Get ‘em lanced, you pansyass.

In my day, they didn’t even let the homosexuals play on most teams—they segregated them to Midwestern teams like the Cleveland Spiders, or the Browntown Liberace’s. We’ve come a long way in baseball; don’t smack me the wrong way, and I’m gosh darn proud that we can let one homosexual man in the locker room (but not in the showers, no way).

Here’s how they did it way back when if your fanny started wearing thin: chaps and a whole helluva lot of castor oil. I reckon I won’t get into the semantics, considerin’ half of you can’t handle your whiskey and stomach some truth. One thing I will say is that the shortstops ran a little slower, and Nap Lajoie couldn’t slide on the weekends.

My major point is that if you want to have consensual anal sex, just make sure it’s not with any of my Tigers. I’m sure that you can get some Marlins involved in some weird Eyes Wide Shut deal, but that’s because they lost their morals after Girardi left. My team has enough to worry about right now, and Jason Grilli is going to deal with a whole lot of worry in the name of his cat being murdered by yours truly. Jason Grilli, expect some cigarette burns and some talk in the paper, you little bitch.

Now it’s time for my weekly segment called “Fiddlesticks,” where I talk about things that don’t make sense to me.

The Pittsburgh Pirates

butts in the seats

Segways

my bicycle

The 2008 All-Star Game

expects me to show

GM Profile: The Dodgers' Ned Colletti

ChatterBalks — Tue, 27 May 2008 19:01:00 -0400

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We here at ChatterBalks would like to get one thing straight: We think Paul DePodesta is a stupid nerd who uses computers for things (We’ve got your back, Plaschke!). He even has a blog. What a loser! So we were thrilled when the Dodgers canned his ass for having sex with an iMac (Note: May be speculation). And who did they get to replace him?

Why, one Neddington W. Colletti, of course! In order to showcase his genius, we have compiled this analysis of his major moves as Dodgers GM.

2005:

**Named Grady Little as Dodgers manager. Obviously, the one key for any winning team is to have a proven winner in the dugout guiding the ship, managing the clubhouse, and leading the team. Sure, you could argue that at the time he was most well known for disastrously leaving Pedro Martinez in a playoff game too long, costing the Red Sox a trip to the World Series in 2003. But that argument ignores that Little’s a great baseball man! He knows the game, and he loves the game, and that makes all the difference in the world. Verdict: Great move.

**Traded Milton Bradley and Antonio Perez to the A’s for Andre Ethier. Suck it, Billy Beane. You and your VORP, EQA, and your ways to measure things with numbers. How can you measure heart, huh? Huh!? That’s what we thought. Verdict: Great move.

**Signed Rafael Furcal to a three-year contract. Here, Colletti signed a perennial Gold Glove winner to just a three-year deal. How does he do it? Sure, you could say “He offered more money over less years than the Cubs, who were the second best offer.” Or you could also say, “He’s never won any Gold Gloves. Do you look things up?” Another possibility: “He was terrible last year and now he’s injured. This isn’t all that great of a signing.” You’re all wrong. Verdict: Great move

**Signed Bill Mueller, Brett Tomko, Nomar Garciaparra, Sandy Alomar Jr to contracts. How could Ned Colletti have known that players with histories of being injured and terrible would continue to be injured and terrible? There was just no way to see that coming. Verdict: Great moves.

2006:

**Traded Duaner Sanchez and Steve Schmoll to the Mets for Jae Seo and Tim Hamulack; Traded Jae Seo and Dioner Navarro to the Devil Rays for Mark Hendrickson and Toby Hall. So these trades weren’t all that great, considering Seo was awful for the Dodgers, Toby Hall was completely forgettable, and the team let Hendrickson go, and received nothing for him, and now he’s 7-2 for the Marlins. But the important thing is that they didn’t give up anything good. Besides Navarro and his .369 batting average this year. And Sanchez. But they did get a pitcher who’s 7-2 this year. Another win for Ned. Verdict: Great move.

**Traded Edwin Jackson to the Devil Rays for Danys Baez and Lance Carter. Clearly, Edwin Jackson was never going to work out. Sure, he was 22-years old and had a history of dominating AA when he was 19, then was rushed to the majors and handled wildly inconsistently (way to play Solitaire instead of not sucking at your job, DePoNerdSta!), but the important thing is that he clearly had nothing left. Getting an average reliever who could fill in as closer was exactly the move the team needed, and certainly worth someone who could be an ace for years on a major league staff. Verdict: Great move.

**Signed Takashi Saito to a minor-league contract. Ned takes a trip to Mount Olympus and bitch-slaps Zeus. Yeah, this move was that good. Verdict: Great move.

**Traded Odalis Perez, Blake Johnson, Julio Pimentel, and cash to the Royals for Elmer Dessens. Sure, he had to throw in decent prospects, and his return was two months of a below-average reliever, but he got rid of Odalis Perez. That automatically makes this a great move. Verdict: Great move.

**Traded Cesar Izturis to the Cubs for Greg Maddux; traded Joel Guzman and Sergio Pedroza to the Devil Rays for Julio Lugo. If the Dodgers ended up making the playoffs this year, then these were incredible moves. We’ll have to reserve judgment for now. Verdict: Incomplete

**Made playoffs! Yeah, how many times did you and your computer make the playoffs, DePoRobotsta? Oh. Damn. Really? You’re sure you did? Well, now it’s a tie. 1-1. Verdict: Ned Colletti is an amazing human being.

**Signed Juan Pierre to a five-year contract. Finally, that tiny, awful, player-sized hole in center field is filled. Good thing Colletti has Juan Pierre signed for five years. He wouldn’t want to have to go out and get a new center fielder every year, right? That sure would be pretty silly. Verdict: Great move.

**Signed Jason Schmidt to a three-year contract. What a move! Having watched Schmidt closely during his time in San Francisco, Colletti knows that he’s a gamer, an ace, someone who can outpitch anyone, even if he doesn’t have his good 95 MPH fastball. Which he seems not to anymore. But he’ll get it back, right? It’s not like aging pitchers lose effectiveness and get injured all the time, and only get one win through May of their second year with a new team, right? That seems wildly unlikely. Verdict: Great move.

2007:

**Traded Wilson Betemit to the Yankees for Scott Proctor. Sure, trading a decent third baseman who can play anywhere on the infield for a reliever who’s been incredibly overused his entire time in the majors seems like it might not be the greatest idea, but your bullpen can never be strong enough. And with Grady Little at the helm instead of Joe Torre, Proctor’s bound to not pitch every day the way he did in New York, which would lead in all likelihood to a dead arm. Good thing that’s wildly unlikely, right? Verdict: Great move.

**Traded a player to be named later to the Giants for Mark Sweeney. Because if there’s one thing that is without a doubt true, it is that Mark Sweeney is worth anything from anyone. Verdict: Great move.

**Designated Brett Tomko for assignment; picked up David Wells. It takes a wise man to know when he’s made a mistake by signing Brett Tomko. But it takes a wiser man to know when he hasn’t made a mistake, and a very washed-up David Wells is simply a better option than his non-mistake signing of Brett Tomko. That’s the exact situation we have here. Verdict: Great move.

**Claimed Esteban Loaiza off waivers from the A’s. This is a solid move to fill out the back of the rotation. Sure, it could backfire if he has an ERA over eight this year, and then next year gets released before June because he’s terrible and the Dodgers are on the hook for his entire salary, but what are the odds of that? Verdict: Great move.

**Hired Joe Torre. Obviously, the one key for any winning team is to have a proven winner in the dugout guiding the ship, managing the clubhouse, and leading the team. Sure, you could argue that his success in the past was the product of a team that had many future hall-of-famers and steroid users. But that argument ignores that Torre’s a great baseball man! He knows the game and he loves the game, and that makes all the difference in the world. Verdict: Great move.

**Signed Andruw Jones to a two-year deal. Finally, that fat, over-the-hill, has-been shaped hole in center field is filled. And it’s a good thing, too. Without Andruw Jones, the Dodgers would be forced to play Juan Pierre every day in center. And that would just be a disaster. Verdict: Great move.

2008:

**Designated Esteban Loaiza for assignment.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and admit Billy Beane made a mistake in giving Loaiza a big contract. It looks like now is that time. Verdict: Great move

So there you have it: a complete and unbiased accounting of Ned Colletti’s many virtues as a GM. We’re sure that every move he makes in the future will be exactly this good, and we can only hope that he proceeds without thought, measurement, or analysis of any kind. Baseball is about guts, not robotic winning machines that hit home runs every at bat, and then have evil cyborg babies with our supple human supermodels. That’s what Paul DePodesta wants.

Thanks but no thanks, Paul. We’ve made our choice. We’re sticking with our boy Colletti.

-Doug at www.ChatterBalks.com

Bill Bavasi’s Life "on the Line" Thanks to Seattle Mariners

ChatterBalks — Tue, 27 May 2008 16:59:19 -0400

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SEATTLE, WA - According to some higher-ups in the Mariners organization, Bill Bavasi’s lifeline is “in risk of being terminated.”

It’s become publicly known that after a series of bad managerial decisions, GM Bavasi’s professional career is at stake. However, according to a clan of Mariners druids who initially broke the story to Chatterbalks, there is more to be learned from the story.

Since becoming GM in 2003, Bavasi has signed Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre, Jarrod Washburn, Rich Aurilia, Jeff Weaver, and Carl Everett. These signings make even the Dodgers look competent over the past few years.

During his tenure, Bavasi has upset nearly everyone having an association with the Mariners. The city of Seattle has attempted to pass city ordinances that ban Bavasi from going out in public (therefore restricting him to attend Mariners games), but Bavasi’s team of crack lawyers have weaved through any legal issues that have to do with Bavasi retaining his managerial position. The ragtag band of druids’ latest death threat is simply another obstacle for Bavasi to outmaneuver.

After demoting prospect Jeff Clement to the minors, the clan of Mariners druids put a stake on Bavasi’s life. “It was just too ridiculous,” said Mariners druid Don Kepettle, as he fiddled with Bavasi’s voodoo doll. “Like, is it possible to be that inept at the professional level? I thought the (Horacio) Ramirez deal (for Rafael Soriano) was bad, but this really takes the cake.”

“I’m not too worried,” yawned Bavasi, over a sushi dinner. “I’ve had death threats of all kind put on me. In fact, this sushi here is poisoned, but I’ve become immune. These pussy druids will have to live with the fact that I’ll be Mariners GM for a while to come.”

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Fantasy Baseball Island: Week of May 27

ChatterBalks — Tue, 27 May 2008 03:59:28 -0400

About every month or so, when the team at ChatterBalks is thoroughly frustrated with the fantasy team (Yovani Gallardo? I will see you in hell, my friend), we use the Fantasy Baseball Island as a refuge of sorts. We cover the need-to-know information about fantasy baseball, which really means, we bullshit around just like 95 percent of your friends who read Yahoo! columns and think they are god’s gift to statistical decision-making. Now that your fantasy team is (most likely) in deep shit, we’re here to rescue you. You’re welcome.

Injury Radar—A weekly forecast of how players will be injured, according to our “Mark Prior Crystal Ball”

Alex Gordon—Self-esteem: Otherwise known as “Evan Longoria 1.0,” the former super-rookie decides to garner some attention in the headlines by doing what every needy high-school goth chick would do: overdosing on over-the-counter pain pills. Sorry, Mr. Gordon, but until you throw down a stat line like Matt Kemp, we don’t give a shit about what you do. And no, we’re not here to listen about how much Gil Meche calls you a “pansyass,” because you probably deserved it.

Jeff Keppinger—Fractured Clavicle: Just when you thought it was safe to be a stat-generating superstar on the Cincinnati Reds, Jeff Keppinger has to go and defy God’s commandment of “The Cincinnati Reds must suck for the rest of time.” Whoops, Jeff. Now it’s time for you to pay the price.

As Keppinger sacrifices his body by diving into the stands for a foul ball, several ex-cons on the Cincinnati Bengals decide he has gotten a little too good for his own Cincinnati kind. When it’s all said and done, Reds manager Dusty Baker is forced to knife fight Bengals RB Chris Perry for honor, and spares the life of his utility infielder. Whew—what a close one!

Ryan Howard—Third Degree Burns: A sub-Mendoza line batting average does not sit well with Philadelphia fans, and unfortunately for Phillies 1B Ryan Howard, this week’s promotional giveaway is “Molotov Cocktail Night.” Now that manager Charlie Manuel sleeps in the dugout (avoiding all potential objects being thrown at his old man head), Howard is the subject of a fiery wall of hate.

Most thought Philadelphia fans could only muster up half-assed racial slurs, but they are surprisingly well versed with incendiary weapons. The first baseman will be forced to miss most of the season, leaving him with a disappointing eighty home runs by the end of the year. Boo!

Rob Mackowiak—Non-Specified Death: Every week, Mackowiak’s end draws nearer. Every week could be his last. While we at ChatterBalks do know all the specifics, we don’t want to ruin the fun for people who might create a Mackowiak Death Pool. But we do want to allow Mackowiak some peace before his imminent demise, so we will provide him with hints to the event so he can prepare himself. This week’s clue: Mackowiak’s death will not be as cool as this one.

Stategories—Roto or head-to-head? It doesn’t matter, but stats do. Here’s a rundown of the stats that matter for your fantasy league, and the players who will come through.

Sins/9—Elijah Dukes: Elijah Dukes, Lord of the Rape, cannot keep his man in his drawers, or his knives in his pockets, or…you get the point. On a team full of convicts, in a stadium full of fun, Mr. Dukes is your go-to man for trouble. Last year, Dukes got a foster child pregnant, threatened to kill a wife, and arrested for possession of weed. Check out your local police blotter, or stay tuned to Chatterbalks for additional details.

Inexplicable Goodness—Cliff Lee: Honestly, where the heck did this guy come from? Fantasy heaven? As people are asking themselves unanswerable questions about Indians P Cliff Lee, take advantage of this underused category. Currently, the only competitor to Cliff Lee in this category is Sour Cream & Onion Pringles. Mmm...

Shittiness—The San Diego Padres: In some of those deep mixed leagues, some fantasy experts will carry all kinds of shitty players on their team. Buck the trend by selecting the entire Padres team. Can you name one valuable and quality starter on the Padres? Answer: NO, YOU CAN’T, SO STOP TRYING. And since they play oh so many extra inning games, take advantage of the extra shittiness per game.

Player We’re Overhyping: Red Sox SP Bartolo Colon

Here at ChatterBalks, we have a “Yes Fatties” policy. We do not segregate. Our favorite Colon out there on the market is one Sr. Bartolo Colon, formerly of the Gumdrop Kingdom.

He was signed to a minor-league deal early in the season, ate his way through a few prospects, and is now feasting on those AL batters. And by the way, 81% of his pitches were fastballs last night. BOOM.

Besides being a Cy Young winner in ‘05, he is a charitable man as well. He donated roughly $50,000 in ‘05 to support the victims of Hurricane Katrina. If you’ve ever wanted that heartwarming pick on your team, Bartolo is the man to (barely) fill the roster spot. Think of him as the Brett Favre for your fantasy baseball team, except he can’t fit into a pair of Wranglers.

(FAT JOKE COUNT: Six)

We expect Bartolo to rack up about 10-12 wins this year for the Nation, along with a super-sized fries, and two neapolitan milkshakes. To go, please.

Elias Sports Bureau Amends Jon Lester’s No-hitter With Asterisk

ChatterBalks — Tue, 20 May 2008 03:14:05 -0400

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BOSTON - According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Boston Red Sox SP Jon Lester’s no-hitter on Monday night was amended with an asterisk. The Red Sox hurler successfully pitched nine full innings for the win without giving up a hit, which under normal circumstances is defined as a no-hitter. However, the gem occurred against the famously second-rate Kansas City Royals.

The Elias Sports Bureau is the primary statistical service for most major media sources. Elias compares Lester’s no-hitter with the likes of Randy Johnson’s June 26, 2005, outing against the Mets, where he gave up four earned runs in 6 2/3 innings.

“Well, we never really touched Bonds’ record with the asterisk because there is no clear proof that he did cheat. However, it is very certain that the Royals are, at best, a mediocre team. Therefore, a no-hitter pitched against the Royals is simply a ‘pretty good game,’ ” reported Elias statistical observer Don Rosencrans. “The asterisk is powerful - we like to think that it is the monolith of statistical symbols.”

In the sports world, the asterisk is the equivalent of a scarlet letter. Many players and teams who have been branded with the glyph have never been seen again. Elias, responsible for the daily stats that will appear in tomorrow’s paper, could not bear the responsibility of publishing an inferior no-hitter. Shortly after the statistical change, ESPN dropped the news story to ‘Pittsburgh-Pirates-level,’ a segment reserved for the bottom of SportsCenter.

After hearing the news, Lester was remorseful about what he did to the Royals.

“At one point, I sorta felt bad for the Royals,” the pitcher explained. “Billy Butler came up to the plate, and he was literally tearing up after I threw my famous 93 mph heater. I wanted to let them get a hit off me, but it was tough. In the end, I didn’t really deserve the no-hitter.”

So far this season, the Royals are the lowest-scoring team in the A.L. Almost every pitcher facing the Royals this year, according to Elias, has nearly thrown a ‘no-no.’

Padres, Nationals, Twins: Three Teams I Couldn’t Care Less About

ChatterBalks — Mon, 19 May 2008 16:34:02 -0400

Pictured: Scott Hairston of the San Diego Padres

Every sports fan has at least three teams in every major sport that they are completely apathetic about. They have no real, star power. They’re usually not very talented, and they don’t even have a dirty player that you can hate. In short, they have absolutely no character at all. Here are the three teams that you’d have to pay me to watch.

San Diego Padres

As a Dodger fan in Los Angeles, I routinely have the displeasure of seeing Padres games since the Dodgers play them about twenty times a season. I’ll tune in for about two innings until a player like Scott Hairston is up to bat, and by then I’ll have already fallen asleep.

Now that they’ve signed Jody Gerut, I’ve officially been diagnosed with narcolepsy. You could make a case for Peavy, but any noise he makes in the MLB is drowned out by all the yawning from all the other players.

The only thing I can give San Diego is they have the worst (best) fans on Earth. Whether it be the Chargers or the Padres, if you encounter anyone wearing a San Diego hat or jersey, they are guaranteed to be a grade-A douche bag that you love to hate.

Washington Nationals

Remember the beginning of their first season when they actually looked like they’d be a decent team, and everyone stated buying their hats to jump on the bandwagon early? Well, all those fairweather fans have moved onto ruining other MLB teams' (Red Sox) images and have completely forgotten about the Nats. The Nats' biggest star, Ryan Zimmerman, is hitting .245 right now and is showing everyone why his AAU coaches sat him so David Wright could play: he sucks.

The Nats also hold the title of “Most Bland Uniform” in all of sports. The least they could do is a get a third jersey like the Padres, with their ghastly camouflage ones. At least then I could be entertained by making fun of those.

Minnesota Twins

Livan Hernandez is their No. 1 starter. I could stop right there and that would be enough reason to completely disregard this team all season, but I’ll continue for the sake of comedy. They traded away their best pitcher/player (maybe top five all time) for a whole truck-load of Mets garbage. It’s like the Twin’s GM Bill Smith is a bizarro version of Billy Beane, who instead of trading for unknown diamonds-in-the-rough, Smith can only pick up over-hyped versions of Juan Pierre.

If you thought that scouting was the only sign of Twins' ineptitude, think again. They’re building a new outdoor stadium. In Minnesota; arguably the coldest place in America. I guess it shouldn’t be too big of a issue since the Twins won’t make it past September until global warming will have solved that problem.

What teams are on your list?

- Burns at Chatterbalks.com

Alex Rodriguez Disappointed in Lack of “A-Rod Loves Pink Bats” Jokes

ChatterBalks — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:42:34 -0400

TAMPA, FL—Three-time AL MVP Alex Rodriguez expressed disappointment today that his quad strain prevented him from playing Sunday and using the special Mother’s Day bats, as he feels that would have led to multiple humorous observations from the sports world.

“Yeah, the possibilities are really endless,” the Yankees third baseman said while taking a break from his rehab. “From the tried-and-true ‘He loves pink because he’s gay’ to a more clever ‘A-Rod loves the feel of a hard pink piece of wood in his hands,’ this was a missed opportunity for the sports world. I haven’t been this sad since Queer Eye ended.”

Shortstop Derek Jeter was quick to agree with Rodriguez’s sentiments. “Look, it obviously would have made everyone’s day to talk about Alex’s great stroke with a pink bat, but you have to move on. Tomorrow’s another day, and hopefully we’ll have another report like the ‘A-Rod loves the muscular she-male type‘ one.”

“Though on a personal level,” added Jeter, “I haven’t seen his this disappointed since we stopped having our sleepovers."

Still, Rodriguez was certain that he would somehow press on in the face of this adversity.

“Look, if anything, the lack of proof makes this more of a story. Just because you haven’t seen me holding something thick and pink in my hands doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Trust me guys, my fondest wish is to be back out there ready for the pitcher to give me all he’s got, to be in the stadium with all the guys and their pink bats, and to encourage gay jokes without actually being gay.”

“Seriously guys,” he said. “I love strippers.”

The 10 Most Disappointed Mothers in Baseball

ChatterBalks — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:46:14 -0400

Picture: Whenever I see these, I just think of used Tampons

Mothers Day is usually a time for sons and daughters everywhere to show their appreciation for the hard work and time their Mother’s put into raising them. Well, no matter how lavish the presents are, nothing can mask the disappointment these mother’s have for their MLB-playing sons.

10. Brad Hawpe—After hitting .291, 116 RBI, and almost 30 HRs, Brad certainly set high expectations for himself this year. So far he’s hitting around .250 (after a hot streak) and has worse stats all across the board than Ken Griffey Jr., who is older than John McCain.

He’s also letting down millions of his fantasy mothers who jumped the gun at ADP 75 (myself included). If only his mother had the chance to cut her losses and drop him from the family.

9. Francisco Liriano—Tommy John surgery is usually an indicator for a pitcher past his prime that his career is pretty much over. So it’s definitely not a good sign when a 20-year-old is having it. Much like a truck-stop toilet stall, when the Twins sent this rookie phenom back to the minors, they were basically putting an “Out of Order Until Further Notice” sign around his neck.

8. Bill Hall—Bill Hall is usually not very good at baseball (professionally). The only day his mother could look forward to was Mother’s Day, because for the past two seasons, Hall has gone deep in honor of his Mommy.

But this year, not only is he hitting below the Mendoza line (.197), he couldn’t even hit one measly home run for the woman who spent 42 hours in labor with him. What an unappreciative asshole.

7. Miguel Cabrera—His Mom obviously loves him way too much. Please stop sending him all those care packages filled with delicious homemade treats. Once he loses twenty to fifty pounds, he actually might be worth his $153.3 million contract.

6. Richie Sexson—All records of Sexson should be stricken from the MLB record books. Not only is he untalented, he also does not play well with others. His giant waste of a contract is over after this season, so it’s anyone’s guess who his adoptive parents will be next year. Brian Sabean is favored at 450 to 1 odds.

5. Ryan Howard—Curse you Ryan, for always absolutely blowing against LHP (career .225 vs. .308 against RHP) and for the first two months of the season:

April .230

May .242

June .280

July .294

August.307

September .302

October .492

Ryan Howard:baseball::Shawshank Redemption:movies

4. Justin Verlander—Get your mustache in gear and throw some Ks. If you don’t get your ass in check, we’ll all forget you pitched a no-hitter last year faster than a Jewish mother disowning her child for marrying a gentile.

3. Nick Swisher—Much like the rest of us, Nick’s mother had high hopes for him this season. Going from a pitcher-friendly park to the ballpark where the most homeruns were hit in 2007 can do wonders for any hitter’s career. But Nick’s mother should have listened when Paul Konerko’s mom warned her not to expect much.

2. Eric Gagne—This guy is the Hillary Clinton of baseball; why won’t he just quit already?

1. Andruw Jones—When Juan Pierre has more RBI (12) than you do (five), you should probably kill yourself. Oh, and did I mention Juan Pierre didn’t even start in April? It’s a sad day for Dodger Nation when the Giants made a better free agent pick-up (Rowand).

Cheers to wasting $36.2 million and two seasons of all Dodger fan’s lives. Never has there a been a better time to start a trade embargo with Netherlands Antilles.

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ESPN To Air Red Sox Game

ChatterBalks — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:20:57 -0400

ESPN announced today its intentions to air a baseball game featuring the Boston Red Sox on Sunday. In a press release, the network stated that “this team is a cornerstone of Major League Baseball, and we have been neglecting them for too long. We will remedy this stunning lack of attention to the Red Sox by featuring them on our ‘Sunday Night Baseball’ program in the hopes that Americans everywhere will fall in love with this band of scrappy overachievers.”

ESPN, which has not aired a Red Sox game since Monday, could only find one comparison for their neglect of the Red Sox. “We feel that we have let the entire sports world down through this shameful lack of coverage. We are reminded of the Yankees teams of the last decade, whose hard-working attitude in the face of monstrous odds was completely absent from our various sports coverage programs. To this day we know nothing about their front-office personnel, from their faceless owner to their anonymous general manager, and even their manager was a mystery to us.”

Added the network, “But there we go again, not talking about the Red Sox. We are so, so sorry, Boston.”

The press release concluded with the network’s pledge to cover the Red Sox as much as any other team, and a wistful hope for the future. “If only the Yankees and Red Sox could play each other, we would cover it 20 times a year, ” read the release. “At least.”

Feminists Demand Degradation of Real Women in White Sox Clubhouse

ChatterBalks — Tue, 06 May 2008 16:50:49 -0400

Feminists are furious in the wake of an anonymous White Sox player attempting to motivate his team by using a blow-up doll in the clubhouse. “This is a blow to women everywhere,” said Jenni Carlson, president of the Association for Women in Sports Media. “Those of us who have worked hard to better ourselves are very angry and disappointed to see a facsimile of a woman acting as a slump-buster in the clubhouse when there are certainly many women in Chicago who would be happy to perform this service for a nominal fee.”

“It makes me sick,” she said.

Manager Ozzie Guillen defended the behavior in his clubhouse, saying, “I don’t [expletive deleted] know what that [expletive deleted] is [expletive deleted] talking the [expletive deleted] about. What the [expletive deleted] does that [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] want? I mean, for the [expletive deleted] love of [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] this is [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted].”

Carlson was eager to clarify her comments. “In this society, women make 75 cents for every dollar a man makes. We need to take every advantage we can to be employed and make money, and this is exactly the kind of behavior that needs to be stopped. You know who makes and benefits from those blow-up dolls? Men. If there’s going to be a display in the clubhouse that is offensive to women, it should involve actual women instead of just benefiting the entrenched phallic economy.”

Guillen’s response was nothing more than an unprintable string of profanity.

Left-Handed Batter Somehow Gets Hit Off Left-Handed Reliever

ChatterBalks — Fri, 02 May 2008 11:09:33 -0400

ANAHEIM, CA - The baseball world was rocked Thursday night when left-handed hitter Garret Anderson singled off left-handed A’s reliever Dallas Braden.

“In all my years in the game, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said a visibly distraught A’s manager Bob Geren. “My world is shattered. I know Braden’s not a lefty specialist, but this kind of thing still isn’t supposed to happen.”

Choking back sobs, he concluded, “I’m not sure if I can go on like this.”

Ever since the very first days of baseball, it has been a scientific certainty that left-handed hitters were incapable of reaching base against left-handed pitchers due to a hit.

While there have been rare cases of success, such as Barry Bonds walking three times in 2004 against lefties or Stan Musial reaching on an error against Warren Spahn in 1947, there had never been a base hit of any kind.

Managers across the league are in denial. Twins manager Ron Gardenhire and Phillies manager Charlie Manuel have started the “Garret Anderson Truth Movement” to determine what really happened on Thursday night.

“There are just so many unanswered questions,” said Manuel. “If you look at the videotape, he barely hits the ball. Even the official report says he ’singled to the pitcher.’ Don’t you think the pitcher should have thrown him out?”

Other managers, while acknowledging that they believed the single happened as shown on TV, were unsure about any effect it would have on their teams.

“This means that a lot of guys are gonna be out of a job,” said Giants manager Bruce Bochy. “Look at someone like Steve Kline or Ron Villone. If this is true, these guys won’t have a career anymore. I don’t see how the most powerful nation in the world can just let that happen.”

Bochy continued, “And just because it’s possible now for a lefty to hit off a lefty, does that mean that a righty can get a lefty batter out or that I’m gonna stop using three pitchers in an inning to get that tough lefty out in the middle of the inning? No. Next question.”

Still, Manuel is adamant about getting to the bottom of this occurrence. “I just don’t see how this is possible,” said Manuel. “It violates the natural order of the universe and it goes against everything I know about managing.”

“Which,” he admitted, “isn’t really all that much.”

Breaking News: Allegations Of Yet Another Affair With Golfer John Daly's Ex-Wife

ChatterBalks — Thu, 01 May 2008 09:29:49 -0400

According to the Chicago Tribune:

"Paulette Dean Daly, former wife of professional golfer John Daly, is the latest alleged liaison of former Major League Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens, sources told the New York Daily News.

According to a story published today by the Daily News, the two supposedly met in Palm Springs, Fla., after which Clemens may have arranged for Daly to see him pitch against the Los Angeles Angels in Anaheim, Calif. The relationship started after Paulette Dean Daly's marriage to the golfer ended in the late '90s, the Daily News said."

This story just keeps getting better and better. I almost feel sorry for him at this point. This is one of those times when people say "When the sh*t hits the fan, it really hits the fan."

This is just an allegation at this point, but the damage is being done nonetheless. In America it certainly is "Guilty until proven innocent."

Oakland Athletics Owner: Bye Bye, $1 Hot Dogs

ChatterBalks — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:11:47 -0400

Speaking of the Oakland A’s, their owner, Lew Wolff, gave an interview in the WSJ about ownership and particularly their new stadium.

Part 1: The Stadium

I was apparently wrong in assuming they were making a bigger stadium. In fact, the plan is to have a 32,000-person stadium, which would be the smallest stadium in the MLB today by over 6,000 seats.

I find it intriguing that while a lot of other owners are trying to maximize seats, Wolff is concerned with the economic efficiency of seats. Billy Beane’s reach knows no bounds! While I’m no economist (actually, what does an undergrad degree in economics get you?), I think that this move could potentially backfire harder than a Britney Spears photo-op.

Considering that even an NHL team does well in ticket sales in San Jose, the demand for A’s tickets is going to increase fast and considerably. When demand goes up and supply has nowhere to go, ticket prices are going to increase.

Although Fenway is now the 3rd smallest behind Tropicana and PNC, it’s the only big market team with that small of a stadium: at 39,928. PNC, the smallest, has only 38,496. I’m curious what having 6,500 less seats than the next smallest ballpark would do to the ticket prices of a large market team.

Considering tickets off the Boston website for a Red Sox vs. Yankees match up are already sold out and have probably been sold out since the schedule was announced / when baby Jesus was born, I’d say pretty damn high. Oh and I searched craigslist and I could only find tickets for the series at Yankee Stadium and those were 100$ a pop. I’m sure some ‘back seat’ bartering could also be made.

I’ve heard from reputable sources that the cost of a beer and a hot dog is your first-born child.

This doesn't even factor in the price increase for the new stadium, which management will obviously pass on the the consumer. Then, you’ve got to take into account that when they get more revenue from the initial increase in demand, they’re going to be able to spend more on players. The better the players, the better the team, the more fans, the higher the ticket prices.

What are the ramifications of this eventual price increase? Could it possibly disenfranchise lifelong A’s fans? Will Frank Thomas be able to demand more money the next time he gets signed by another team, and then dropped by them a year later, and then picked up again by the A’s?

These are all important questions to consider especially in regard to the current fan base that can currently pay around $10 for a ticket and sometimes $4 with a student ID, $1 hot dog Wednesdays and being able to park for free in the BART (transit) parking lot next door. And these were all during an economic boom! What happens while we’re in a monetary ass reaming courtesy of George Bush’s recession?

As a baseball fan, I’m a little concerned. What do all you A’s fans think?

Check back tomorrow for Part II: Selig and Wolf, Frat Bros for life.

- Burns at ChatterBalks.com

Breaking News: San Francisco Giants Post Barry Zito on Craigslist

ChatterBalks — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:55:35 -0400

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A young Giant's career came to an unfortunate and untimely close Tuesday morning when San Francisco management posted struggling SP Barry Zito on Craigslist.

The downward spiral finally wound down to its end. It began with Zito moving to the back-end of the rotation at the beginning of the season, then into the Giants bullpen early this week, and finally, onto the popular classified ad website.

To date, Zito had been 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA—certainly not the production the Giants had hoped for when they signed him to a seven-year, $126 million deal in early ‘07.

“You have to know when to cut your losses,” said Giants GM Brian Sabean. “Clearly, we kept doing things and they weren’t going our way. Like with the whole Bonds thing. You just gotta let it go—that’s our new motto by the way. Just let it go.”

Obviously, the Giants are “just letting go” of Barry Zito. They posted him in the ‘Barter’ section of Craigslist, where in return for Zito, the Giants were simply content with receiving absolutely nothing in return, and additionally offering services ranging from college admission essays to vegetarian recipes.

A copy of the ad is transcribed below:

Hey folks,

Giants GM Brian Sabean here. We have way too many great, amazing, quality pitchers on our hands over here. One of them being Barry Zito. But you know the old saying: too many pitching cooks on the mound kitchen (I made that one up! It’s not even ‘old’!)

But honestly, we desperately need to barter Barry Zito with you. In fact, you don’t even have to do anything. We’ll pay you to take him. Wait, actually, we have to pay his salary anyways, so maybe we can give you something in return for taking him. Sounds like a fair deal to me!

Here’s just a few things we can offer in return for you taking Barry Zito: we got a surfboard of Barry’s in the closet. I can also help your child with college admission essays, give you amazing but easy vegetarian recipes, and probably more things that I can’t just think of right now.

Thanks so much!

TTYL,
Brian Sabean
Professional Expert of the San Francisco Giants/GM/Popcorn Vendor (JK, JK, honestly. I do love popcorn though!)

A fitting end to a shitty career, some would say. Others call it a bargain.

Visit us at Chatterbalks.com

Gems From The Web: 4/28

ChatterBalks — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:56:35 -0400

To us, it’s never too soon to believe in the Rays. However, when it gets to June and they are in third place, it will be too late. [Fanhouse]

Sick of Roger Clemens yet? Well, he’ll never be sick of 15-year old music stars. Watch out Hannah Montana! [NY Daily News]

Brian Sabean faces off with Bill Bavasi in the Worst GM competition over at Bucs Dugout. Somewhere, Wayne Krivsky cries that he was excluded from the one thing he could win. [Bucs Dugout]

We hope Barry Zito stays in the Giants rotation and loses 34 games. It would be novel. [San Jose Mercury News]

Holy damn is this card ugly. On the scale of baseball ugliness, it falls between Julian Tavarez and Randy Johnson. [Wax Heaven]

Stupid White Sox in Stupid First Place, Reports AL Central

ChatterBalks — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:02:54 -0400

According to the other four teams in the AL Central, the “stupid White Sox” are in “stupid first place,” but the other teams “totally don’t want to be there anyway.” The Twins, Royals, Tigers, and Indians all claimed that being in first is for “sucky losers” and that only “stupid idiots” want to be in first place in April anyway.

“Those guys are totally retarded,” said Twins pitcher Francisco Liriano, who is 0-3 with an ERA above 11 in his first three starts this year. “Everyone knows a game you win in April is a game you don’t win in September. You can’t lose games in a pennant race. That’s crazy.”

Tigers third baseman Miguel Cabrera agreed. “People say we came out of the gate slow,” he said. “Well, losing those first six games is what we wanted to do. Actually, we really wanted to lose our first fourteen, but when our fans and the media started panicking, we decided to wrap it up. But that really gave us a good start; now, no one thinks we can win., and that’s worth more than the highest winning percentage in the world.”

Upon hearing the comments of his fellow struggling AL Central players, Indians pitcher CC Sabathia immediately retracted every comment he made over the last month regarding his performance to concur.

ESPN Reports Baseball Tonight Still Good

ChatterBalks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:05:41 -0400

BRISTOL, CT - In the wake of widespread criticism to its flagship baseball show, ESPN reported Monday that Baseball Tonight is, in fact, still good. “We have done a lot of analysis,” said ESPN president George Bodenheimer in a statement. “In the end, we have concluded that not only is Baseball Tonight not worse than it used to be, but it has in fact never been better.”

The report, which was lauded by Disney executives, continued, saying “After a thorough investigation, we have determined that BBTN is in no way a hollow shell of its past self, propped up by Peter Gammons and Tim Kurkjian. This complete lack of drop in quality is reflected throughout the entire ESPN family, from Sportscenter to NFL Live. These shows are all exactly as good as they used to be and have been in no way compromised by insufferable morons who dominate the landscape, crowding out actual sports highlights for pseudo-commentary.”

Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk wholeheartedly agreed, saying “For my money, there isn’t a better show out there than Baseball Tonight. Baseball Tonight has a proud tradition of being entertaining and offering actual insight into the game, and I am proud to be such an integral part of a show that shows absolutely no sign of declining whatsoever.”

In the report, the network contends that critics of Kruk and fellow analyst Steve Phillips are “not real,” stating that the analysts, who began working at the show in 2004 and 2005, respectively, are “universally beloved by the baseball-watching public. Any criticism of either of these employees is most likely done by terrorists who hate freedom and also people making ridiculous predictions just to get attention.”

Top ESPN executives are very happy with the show, which they say “is not nearly terrible enough that it actually misses Harold Reynolds.” They feel that showing selected home runs from players who are well-known is much better than recognizing everyone who homers, as they used to do for some reason. Additionally, Bobby Valentine’s presence is apparently not sorely missed, and some teams that aren’t very good just deserve to have highlights omitted from hour-long baseball highlight shows so that Steve Phillips can talk more.

Upon reading the report, host Karl Ravech, as he has done every night for years, cried himself to sleep and died a little inside.

MLB Gems From the Web: 4/18

ChatterBalks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:10:56 -0400

Hey, remember Darren Dreifort? Well, that contract is still hilarious. [JoeSportsFan]

Carl Pavano’s agent thinks of him as a #1-2 starter. The rest of the world: “…Really?” [SimonOnSports]

Baseball players are meant to be fat? John Kruk must be a gold mine! [Larry Brown Sports]

Mickey Mantle probably never hit a ball 565 feet. He did, however, knock back 565 beers one night. So he’s still got that record. [Fanhouse]

JD Drew needs to make a little money on the side. We know the feeling, JD. Have you tried selling Google Ads on your uniform? [Hugging Harold Reynolds]

If you saw a game in the 19th inning, would you live-blog the Gamecast? No? Well then you’re clearly not that cool. [The Arena]

As your one-stop shop for all Pope-related baseball news, we feel obligated to report that the Pope used Manny Acta’s office as a dressing room. We hear he also tried to exorcise Elijah Dukes, before giving up and saying it was “hopeless.” [Deadspin]

Adam Dunn: “This Game Hard”

ChatterBalks — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:56:02 -0400

Cincinnati Reds slugger Adam Dunn aired his frustration with the game of baseball on Sunday, citing “all these hard rules and running” as his main grievances. The rant, punctuated with grunts and other guttural noises, came after Wednesday’s game vs. Chicago.

Dunn shared his confusion with:

- The “tag up” rule. “Coach always say don’t run until after [Reds 1B Scott Hatteberg] man hit the ball. Um, but sometimes when I run after hit, coach angry. This confuse Adam.”

- Sliders. “When I throw, the ball go straight, but when man on hill throw, the ball go like this. Whoosh! How does that happen?”

- Gum chewing. “My doctor says to swallow my food, but my friends make fun of me when I swallow food.”

Dunn ended the press conference by asking, “Can I go potty now?”

Remember When: Knoblauch Follows Through On Olbermann Diss (June ‘06)

ChatterBalks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:05:33 -0400

The ChatterBalks “Remember When” series is a collection of archived columns, and yes, it’s only the best of the best, baby. This week’s was penned by one Farley Elliott, a former head writer who was let go as a result of budgetary concerns (he kept renting too many blooper reels from the tape store) This particular article dates back to June ‘06.

BRONX, NY - Give Chuck Knoblauch credit, he knows how to face tough challenges. On Tuesday, the Yankees second baseman made good on a simple playground promise to bitter rival and ESPN tongue-wagger Keith Olbermann, by doing exactly what he said he would do: fucking his mother.

“She really got fucked on this one”, said head of Yankees Stadium emergency services Barney Borstein, in direct reference to Keith Olbermann’s mother, after receiving a baseball facial courtesy of Chuck Knoblauch’s throw from second base.”We’ve got mild to severe damage to the temporal bone, and more than a little swelling around the socket and nasal passage”, continued Borstein, adding: “The skill that is required to make that kind of throw is just…unbelievable. I don’t know why he’s not on the mound.”

According to eyewitnesses, what began as a serious discussion about an ESPN highlight reel that was unfavorable to Knoblauch, quickly escalated from the see-saw to the monkey bars. Here, Olbermann (using his considerable height advantage) went on the offensive against Knoblauch, wrapping his gangly legs around his waist as they were both swinging and forcing him to the ground, where he may or may not have gotten an ‘owie’. After jumping to his feet and clutching a presumed raspberry on his right elbow, Knoblauch yelled his intentions, among sobs, to ‘fuck (Keith Olbermann’s) mother!” Less than one month later, he became a man of his word.

“What we’re looking at here is almost on the level of an assassin”, said Yankees third baseman Scott Brosius, who witnessed the playground debacle from the tetherball circle. “This guy (Chuck) just goes out, and with pinpoint accuracy, throws the ball 30 feet over Tino Martinez’s head, right into the seventh row behind the dugout. That’s fucked up.”

Sportscaster Keith Olbermann, however, refuses to see it that way. “This is the desperate act of a desperate man,” he cites. “A man so socially off-target, he is reduced to going balls-out on my own mother. I will get you, Knoblauch. Be it by the water fountain, or by remaining in the media spotlight for years, while you and your arm of justice crawl into the black baseball hole known as suburban Houston. I’ll get you.”

In an attempt to avoid reprimand by the playground supervisor and all-around nice guy Joe Torre, the ever-wiley Knoblauch has since tried to ‘cover up’ his deadly precision by committing several throwing errors a game. However, some pundits are starting to worry that the scope and ferocity of Knoblauch’s errant throws in recent games may actually shed more unwanted light on to just how exact his deadly aim truly is. The one thing the pundits all agree on, is that Chuck Knoblauch doesn’t give a fuck. Unless you’re Keith Olbermann’s mother.

Dear Detroit Tigers: The Kansas City Royals are Better than You

ChatterBalks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 16:16:22 -0400

Come visit us at ChatterBalks

Dear Detroit Tigers,

Before the season started you were the unanimous favorite to win the AL Central.

It was expected that with such a dominant offense, all would cower and kneel before your awesomeness. In my fantasy leagues I drafted accordingly, picking up Polanco, Rentaria, Cabrera, and Magglio Ordóñez. I was expecting a powder keg to go off on opening day, but instead I got a dud.

What’s the deal?

The Rockies seemed to be starting off the same way, but have since picked up (excluding Brad Hawpe whom I drafted in two out of my three leagues).

When are you clowns supposed to actually do your job and jack in some runs?

People complain about Alex Rodriguez and how high his salary is, but the man is consistently amazing.

You guys, however, are not.

You’re letting down the city of Detroit, the sports analysts that projected you guys AL Central Champions and MVPs, and your fantasy owners. I’d feel sorry for your fans, but really, who cares about the state of Michigan anymore, let alone the city of Detroit?

If the Democratic National Committee can write you off, why can’t I?

And considering that most sports analysts are about as insightful as a dog licking itself, we can forget about them, too. Bobby Crosy 2006 AL MVP prediction anyone?

That leaves only the most important group: me.

I’ve already dropped Polanco and haven’t been starting the other three clowns (Magglio seems to be coming around though).

What is it you people need? New designer and undetectable steroids? A wild drug induced orgy before and after each game? A Subway party sub all for yourself (Cabrera)?

Then do it.

You have more money than gods and the historical stat lines to accomplish whatever it takes to propel me to first place in all my leagues.

Maybe Jim Leyland needs to start cursing and smoking in the dugout again.

Come visit us at ChatterBalks

Gems From the Web: 4/16

ChatterBalks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 13:22:00 -0400

This is the coolest thing you will see all day. [Ballsiest.com]

ESPN and Harold Reynolds reach a deal. Finally, the world is safe for embracers everywhere. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]

Erik Bedard is on the DL. We desperately try to not make “Nobody could have seen this coming” into our only injury joke. [Babes Love Baseball]

A roundup of celebrity first pitches. Tom Cruise throws like a girl? But isn’t Scientology supposed to fix that? [Baseball-bats.net]

The Cubs have a lot of weird injuries in their past. Looking at the bottom, we can also see a weird injury in their present. [Cobra Brigade]

With all those taxes, Carl Pavano probably doesn’t make any money at all! Wait, he doesn’t actually pitch? Oh, never mind. [Fanhouse]

The Pope, who recently arrived in America, will not be allowed to drive the Popemobile on the grass. Can’t he just tell Steinbrenner that God was cool with it? [Sports by Brooks]