Bleacher Report - Articles by William Berry

Rivalries In The NFL? Not Since Free Agency

William Berry — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 09:20:16 -0400

Read this sentence slowly.

There are no real rivalries in pro football.

I can't get the whole set of four stamps pictured. Walter Camp and Red Grange get short changed. They saw rivalries in pro football.

There were in the past. I assume Bronko Nagurski felt the darn Packers can go to heck before he scored 100 touchdowns for the poor crippled waif. Then he got paid with a cheese sandwich. (In a big deal for the time, he had the crust cut off, but I digress...)

When a player might be a teammate of a "rival" next year due to free agency, rivalries die.

If Uruguay loses a soccer match to Paraguay, 12 are dead. That is a rivalry.

A Red Sox fan may get beat up by a Yankees middle reliever. That is a rivalry. No, drunken Raider fans beating up a Charger fan is not equivalent. We are talking about players.

If a college coach goes four years with four BCS titles, but always loses to his team's rival and they win the fifth, he might get fired. That is a rivalry.

If the Redskins go 14-2, win four Super Bowls, but always lose to the Cowboys, and the Cowboys get a wild card and win the fifth Super Bowl, is the Redskins coach on the hot seat?

OK, bad example there. Snyder might do anything, but would a sane owner even consider it?

The Patriots and Jets have a "rivalry." Adding fuel to the fire players and coaches get "poached" by each side.

That is my point. As a Patriots' fan I'm angry when they tamper to steal Parcells. I'm happy when the Patriots tamper and "liberate" Belichick.

A guy like Curtis Martin, however, can't afford this stupid fan stuff. He can't hate the Jets when next season he might be a Jet.

Want a current example? Larry Izzo. I don't know contract details but if the Patriots offer a cheese sandwich and the Jets say they'll cut the crust, then Jets win.

Read this slowly.

Players don't care about "rivalries."

Sorry, not funny.

Originally on http://www.sportsmyreligion.com/

Average Football Wins Since 2000 By Jersey Color Including The Texans

William Berry — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 12:47:00 -0400

Wins by color since 2000 (Nine years, regular season only, not counting alternates or throw backs, Atlanta is called red because, well, I say so - you want to argue color assignation? Gawd, off season sucks!)

Blue (all shades except navy and teal, which I call black and green)

Buffalo – 60

Panthers – 71

Cowboys – 71

Broncos - 85

Lions – 40

Colts – 101

Dolphins -73

Patriots – 92

Giants – 80

Rams - 74

Chargers – 72

Titans – 83

total 902 of 12 teams or 75.2 wins per team

Red (all shades include maroon or whatever)

Cardinals – 52

Falcons – 68

Chiefs – 56

49ers – 60

Redskins - 81

317 of 5 teams or 63.4 wins per team

Orange (Assuming Bengals are more orange than black, and yes Browns are orange)

Bengals - 58

Browns – 52

Buccaneers – 76

186 of three teams or 62 wins per team

Green

Packers – 74

Jets – 71

Eagles - 92

Seahawks – 77

314 of four teams or 78.5

Purple

Ravens – 76

Vikings – 72

148 of two teams or 74 wins per team

Black

Bears – 74

Texans* - (40 really but only seven seasons ave six wins per season so...)52

Saints – 70

Raiders – 57

Steelers – 94

347 of five teams 69.4

Best jersey colors for winning:

1. Green 78.5
2. Blue 75.2
3. Purple 74
4. Black 69.4
5. Red 63.4
1. Orange 62

Yes, I'm sure my math is off. Before Colt fans get too happy, do this with playoff games and you get passed.

What does this mean? Don't leave a bored football fan alone in July.

Oh Jaguars are a blue-ish green and Dolphins are a green-ish blue.

I have no idea what is the dominant color for the Texans, so I assume navy blue, hence black. I'm sure if I call it blue then blue and black trade places.

Belichick's Insane Demands Tiring Jonathan Kraft

William Berry — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:51:40 -0400

One of Jonathan Kraft's many duties is to procure hard to get items that BB requires.

"The most tiring item," said Kraft the Younger, "was unicorn blood."

"Unicorn blood," I said, "I assumed he needed blood of virgins."

"Nah," he said, "that was Mangini."

Then he continued, "At first I thought he was crazy. I mean unicorns don't really exist, right? So I just go to the butcher shop and get some, I think it was cow's blood."

I nod. Frankly, what can I ask about unicorn blood.

"So he's all like 'Jonathan, do you want me to tell your father you failed at such a simple task.'"

I was surprised at like Jonathan's like use of "like" as like a verbal crutch. "So, he could tell. What'd you do?"

"At first I was like really down," he said. "I mean I figured, like, I'd never get it since they are not real. Then I came across this unicorn."

"I mean, like, it was easy. Just go to that Italian zoo, donate lots of money, and get a pint of blood from that deer. And if that failed, I had a back up plan."

"So did Belichick say, 'Thank you'?" I asked.

"No, he was all calmly huffy. 'I guess this'll have to do,' was all he said."

"What did he need it for?" I asked.

"I asked him that and he just glared at me. 'Isn't it obvious,' he told me and said nothing more. I was afraid to say, 'No, not to me, it's not obvious.'"

Well, when you think about it, it obviously is part of potion to heal Tom Brady, but I did not want to show up Jonathan.

Thank God for Bill Polian, No Seriously

William Berry — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 11:29:55 -0400

OK, it is the off-season.

I clicked on a Brady vs. Manning article. I swear it was like 2005, except the Manning apologist didn't say Brady is just a "system" QB.

I got to thinking, after reading them tell me how great the Patriots' defense was.

No, not how the 2001, 2003, and 2004 Patriots defense was better than the 2000 Ravens, 1985 Bears, and 1979 Steelers...COMBINED.*

I was thinking how good it was when Bill Polian made CBs almost irrelevant in 2004.

With the new rules, excuse me, re-emphasized rules, real CBs were still figuring out what they could not do. The defense that featured two rookies, a guy cut by the Argonauts, and a wide receiver could not be an integral part of the best defense ever. (You know, one of those defenses that dragged Brady kicking and screaming to the Super Bowl.)

I just now figured out that the third Lombardi is because of Bill Polian.

*Oh, I'm being facetious about comparing defenses. If any Steeler, Raven, or Bear fans read this.

Tagging is weird. Is this humor, opinion, or history.

For editors: Is there another Troy Brown besides the one pictured? Troy is the Wide Receiver mentioned and that tag is relevant unless that tag is a hockey player or something. I also added back "Boston," because they might remember the "system QB" stuff. I got to admit, though, that tagging this is weird.

ESPN Breaking News Of Belichick's Evil Midget Marachi Band (humor)

William Berry — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:38:21 -0400

"We now take you to John Clayton outside of Foxboro with breaking news," said Stuart Scott. "John?"

"We all know that Belichick is a filthy cheat and a horrible human being, but this is even worse than him causing the Italian earthquake, Stuart."

"Sounds serious, John. What is this about?"

"Well, Stuart, my sources tell me the Patriots have hired a midget Mariachi band for a truly evil purpose."

"John, I'm looking at the picture now. One appears to be a dwarf. Is that sort of evil beyond Belichick, John?"

"Unfortunately that is just a file photo of what I think are midget wrestlers." He then put his hand to his ear. "Stu, I'm being told the correct term is 'little people'."

"John, any word on how the crass and evil Belichick will use this band of evil Mariachi midg, er, little people?"

"Stu, my sources confirm the little person mariachi band will break into opponent practices and disrupt them with music. Then when security tries to eject them they will climb ropes, throw fold up chairs at them, and bang security guard heads into turn buckles. We've all seen midg, er, little people wrestling. We know how vicious those little guys can be. Lots of cock punching of normal-sized people is to be expected."

"John, any word on why Mariachi music?"

"Stu, only speculation at this point, but it seems clear that the racist New Englander thinks Mexican midg, er, little people are more prone to violence."

Stuart Scott shakes his head in disapproval. "You'd think by now even the Coach of Darkness would know that all midgets are equally evil. Excuse me, 'little people'."

"Stu, it is unconfirmed, but rumor is Belichick wants the exceptionally evil. Evil even by Mariachi band standards. No word on how he determines that yet. I'll keep you informed."

THIS IS HUMOR. QUOTES ARE MADE UP.

Anyone think E!SPN will like this story? If they become Bleacher Report's "partner" I promise one story like this a day until that situation is resolved or I get bored or I get paid or I get sober.

Note for editors E!SPN is a joke, not a typo. You Know, the E! network. The ENTERTAINMENT and sports Network.

Oh, and ESPN is a relevant link. I guess someone was thinking Stuart Scott and John Clayton work for NBC.

Satire might be relevant too, since I made stuff up.

The Five Most Anticipated Patriot Games (*For One Homer)

William Berry — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 06:49:23 -0400

Yes,that is TO. In a sea of orange at a clemson Tigers basketball game he wore yellow. He did not think that would stand out or anything.:) He's a Buffalo Bill now. Although most media will be there because of Brady, you know, just know, TO wants to steal the show. Hopefully he does the "Fly Eagles Fly" thing after a 10 yard catch that is his only impact. I might be tipping my hand as to #1

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Groundskeeper at French Open Complains

William Berry — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 09:51:10 -0400

"Sacre Blue!" yelled Jacques.

"In English, please," I reminded him.

He grumbled something in that cheese-eating-surrender-monkey tongue. I could make out the words "American" and "merde." I thought about reminding him I need to drive all day to be someplace that doesn't speak English, unlike he, who might find himself needing German again.

"Real tennis courts like we have require upkeep. Even you, how you say, pea brained Yankee can be knowledgeable of that."

I think he meant "understand" that. I had to address something else. "I'm not from New York. I politely request you never call me a 'Yankee' again."

"Pardonez moi, Cowboy," said the cheese-eating surrender monkey.

"The clay, she is like a women's shoe, no?"

I have no idea what that metaphor meant, but nodded in agreement anyway so maybe he'd get to the point.

"The, how you say, cripples leave marks of tires in clay. Treat the clay court like she is slow donkey. You understand, Cowboy?" He muttered something featuring 'Merde.'"

I have no idea what the donkey has to do with it, but I figured out wheelchair marks apparently upset him more than foot prints.

I left Paris for the U.S. No, I did not go to Dallas.

Note to those unfamiliar: New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys are big sports teams in the US.

Josh Deemers Discusses the Losingest Quarterbacks

William Berry — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 09:12:16 -0400

Pictured above are the people who could have played QB for the Patriots or Steelers according to Josh.

I met with Josh Deemers to discuss this list of the top ten losingest Quarterbacks.

"The writer does not miss a chance to send a dig at Peyton Manning," he said.

I reminded him to make the 100-loss club, a QB must be good enough to start for a long time and the writer assumes at least six more years for Peyton. Not good enough.

"Lumping Peyton with Fran Tarkenton, Brett Favre, and Dan Marino is a cheap shot, pure and simple. If you don't see that, I pity you," he said.

I could not hide my confusion. "But you yourself have said many times that winning is irrelevant," I said.

"It is, look at Joey Harrington," then he sighed. "What a waste. He was on the Lions. The Lions! He had the pre-requisite losses to be great. The 1-15 Dolphins were a good choice I guess, but by not staying put he missed 0-16."

I had to correct him. "The Dolphins were 6-10 that year. For the 1-15 year he was in Atlanta replacing Vick."

"He failed at replacing the most overrated QB ever? I might need to re-evaluate him," he said and paused as he stared into space. "No, he was still mediocre. Better than Brady or Roethlisberger, but that is not saying much."

Then I made my big mistake. I should have steered towards Vick and maybe have gotten some of his mom's meatloaf. But nooo...I had to go there.

"So you claim the winningest QB's in history, along with Montana, are lousy?" I asked.

"Don't put words in my mouth. They are not lousy. Above average. Mediocre to good. Good defenses dragged them to the Super Bowl where each inflated his reputation."

"So good defensive talent dooms a QB, but good offensive talent does not?"

"Get out of my room! I should have known better than invite you to dinner."

I apologized, but he kept pointing at the cellar door. Is there a good place to eat alone on a Friday night in Indianapolis?

Other Josh Deemers stuff. Sorry, It won't let me link as much as I want. Steelers fans, he used to write about how Peyton was greater than Tom Brady, but now he's noticed Ben Roethlisberger too. Older stuff does not mention Ben, I think.

Note to editors: Losingest apparently has a hyphen, but in the headline it automatically capitalizes the "E". "Losing-Est" looks stupid but if you know a trick, I'd appreciate it.

Alyssa Milano Markets NFL Items To Women, No Seriously

William Berry — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 18:59:46 -0400

The jokes about the softening of the league are too easy.

Alyssa Milano, well, scroll down and read it yourself.

Yes, she and her group have successfully marketed NHL and the NBA to female fans. So what?

At the risk of being called sexist, if the Steelers start wearing an alternate pastel Black and Gold to go with the mascot...

The new franchise in LA, the LA Sailor Moon...

San Diego's powder blues are a nice start...

The Patriots throwbacks should not be red, they should be a faded red...

OK, seriously for whomever cares, if women need it changed to like it, who wants those women as fans? You'd have to outlaw crack back blocks and the wedge forma...hey wait a minute.

Obviously Bill Polian is behind this. It started with the "re-emphasis" of the five yard rule and each year the game becomes less physical.

Josh Deemers Is Back and Now "Educating" Steeler Fans Too

William Berry — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:39:17 -0400

I missed the chance to caption that, "Mister Manning, Mister Manning, I saved your usual tee time" caption for just another Josh Deemer's article.

C'mon, Tiger as Peyton's Caddy would be funny.

Josh Deemers is the "esteemed" person who uses "facts" to prove that winning is not important for a QB.

I can't mention his name, but you know him. For those that don't know who I'm talking about...Funny Josh Deemers stuff with links to other Josh Deemers stuff

I see Josh is back to educate us AFC East fans on what a great quarterback looks like and is upset at the one site not to get manningitis. I apologize for CHFF not getting approval from the Indy Star first.

They are on record that Peyton is a great QB, but an over blown one.

Now let's address the "winning the Super Bowl means nothing" article. We ignorant masses in New England and Western PA have sub-par quarterbacks up there with the giants of Archie Manning.

What would we do without Josh to set us straight?

Yup, instead of Ben or Brady the Steelers or Patriots would be best served by, um, who exactly Josh?

Josh already proved Brees, Peyton Manning, and Carson Palmer were better than Brady but I have not read who he proved is better than Ben.

I did not read his latest drivel because I had better things to do, like clip my nails, watch paint dry, you know. In my brief perusal I did not see him use the word "system QB" but that is the essence of his argument.

Yes, Brady and Ben are system quarterbacks. Patriot and Steeler fans must console their grief with Lombardi trophies.

Isn't funny how great defenses can make a lousy quarter back seem good, but a great offense is not helping him at all?

Oh, Steeler fans, don't take it out on Colt fans. Josh is a pariah among people writing about Colt draft choices and stuff.

Sorry this is not funny. The joke is wearing thin for me. This article has links to funnier articles about Josh Deemers.

In fact, I'm going to put this in “opinion” because it is so not funny. Hey, it's June. I need quotes from Josh and his mom.

Hey, rust never sleeps.

The Washington "Cheatskins" Caught in Tamper-Gate!

William Berry — Sun, 24 May 2009 07:37:19 -0400

The Washington Cheatskins were caught breaking a well known rule. A rule that does not contradict itself. A rule so obvious that it did not need a memo to try to clarify it. Obviously, they need to forfeit their first-round pick for tamper-gate.

The Cheatskins, in one minute, ironed out all the details in Haynesworth's deal. Their really fast typist gave them the edge over the Titans. Can you tell the sarcasm?

Then Snyder needs to be castrated to send a message that this stuff will not be tolerated. The Cheatskins should forfeit their whole season.

OK, you Washington fans, everyone does it. Jeff Fisher is a whinny bitch (assuming it was him that cried).

That doesn't stop the pitchforks and torches.

Note to editors: There is a reason this is tagged for the Patriots, Boston, and Belichick. It's humor a Patriot fan would understand and you wouldn't.

SI Headline Writer Screws Over Tony Dungy

William Berry — Sat, 23 May 2009 18:20:47 -0400

Unlike here at Bleacher Report, mainstream media have somebody write the headline for a star writer. He can't be bothered with writing something solely to grab readers.

The article itself was good. Dungy wrote wondering what Vick would be like after jail and wondered if he had a stable father-figure like Josh Freeman, first pick of Tamp Bay.

Here is the article.

"Guidance With a Fatherly Touch."

I know you Midwesterners don't like it, but if you live in a glass house, have good curtains.

Can anyone read that without wondering about Dungy's son suicide?

Like I said, if you Midwesterners calm down enough to read, the problem is not Dungy.

The problem was some intern that writes headlines at SI.

Oh, that headline guarantees the story gets read.

Then the quote they lifted fits in context: "If Vick had a strong family support system, would he be in this situation?" (Emphasis theirs.)

If one reads the context, he was using Freeman's family as the "good" example.

If, like 98 percent of readers, you just skim the bold stuff in scorecard to get to the articles you think Dungy holds himself out as an example of great parenting.

Instead it is Sports Illustrated trying to make a buck off of Dungy's son's suicide.

Now we go to comments from the heartland that will blame me for asking what fatherly guidance can Dungy offer, when that is what the headline leads you to think.

I Fought Ty Law and Ty...Law Won (Song Parody)

William Berry — Sat, 09 May 2009 07:01:23 -0400

I fought Ty Law

(Parody of song “I Fought the Law” by Sonny Curtis) allegedly sung by Peyton Manning after the Kansas City game after the 2006 season.

(A’) Watchin’ another inter...

ception.

I fought Ty Law and Ty... Law won.

I needed a ring ‘cause I ...

had none.

I fought Ty Law and Ty... Law won.

I let down my team and I feel so bad

I hope my playoffs aren’t done.

Well it’s the best team I ever had

I fought Ty Law and Ty...

Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty...

Law won.

(Instrument break)

Dropping back into the ...

shotgun

I fought Ty Law and Ty...

Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty...

Law won.

I miss the bad teams and the ...

good fun

I fought Ty Law and Ty...

Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty...

Law won.

I let down my team and I feel so bad

I hope my playoffs aren’t done.

It’s the best team I ever had

I fought Ty Law and Ty...

Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty...

Law won.

Note to editors: Peyton Manning is quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts.

Bucs Trade Alex Smith To Patriots

William Berry — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:31:31 -0400

Patriots obtain Tight End Smith from Buccaneers

Personally I wonder about Dave Thomas.

Alex Smith for an undisclosed draft pick in 2010. Smith was a third rounder.

I'd tag it for Alex Smith, but I think that is the 49ers quarterback.

Oops, Wrong Link: Patriots Cheerleaders Calender Photo Shoot Linked too

William Berry — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:27:07 -0400

Patriots cheerleadering shoot.">Tom Brady according to...Oops. How did that happen?

Patriot cheerleaders calender photo shoot somehow. How did I mix that up? Oh well...

At This Time Brett Favre Is Still Retired

William Berry — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:57:12 -0400

At this time, Brett Favre is still retired.

Heck, I can't top that. I think no humor writer can.

If the Draft Lasted Nine Rounds (Patriots Humor)

William Berry — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:05:12 -0400

"With the 23rd selection in the 8th round the Patriots select Ruben Studdard." "As a former Coach, John, what do you think Belichick sees here," asked Rich Eisen. "I never even try," said Jon Gruden, "to figure out what Belichick thinks." Brief laughter, then he added, "Seriously, he projects to a nose tackle. I mean, what are on, pick 250 something." "Do we have any film of him?" asked Mike Maycock. Then they showed Simon Cowell berating him for his weight. "No, I meant playing football," said Maycock. When "the truck" had no film they played the "big head" game.

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Kansas City Chiefs: Was the Smart Drafter Pioli?

William Berry — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:35:36 -0400

OK, maybe Chung, Brace, Butler, and Vollmer will be awesome and this will be the bestest draft ever. (Note to editors: "Bestest" is not misspelled. It connotes childlike optimism.)

However, huh?

After getting jobbed by the Ravens along come the Packers trading lots of picks. OK.

I wasn't crazy about getting out of the first round, but at least they got one second round pick they can make a first round next year. Trading out of round one means they did not like the talent in the first round of this draft.

Then the picks happened. Like I said, they could be great, I don't know, but where is the line backer*? A safety, a defensive tackle*,a corner back*, and an offensive lineman*.

Don't get me wrong, backup are nice, and arguably safety was a need. Not as much of a need as outside line backer*, but a need. I guess we needed a back up for Vince Wilfork so bad we could forgo an outside line backer*.

Maybe the genius in personell was Pioli. Starting with trading Vrabel, essentially for a bag of balls, maybe saw that.

I know, I know, he had a roster bonus coming up, he had more value for the Chiefs, etc.

How much of that was just my rationalizing an irrational trade?

Only two things would make this draft make sense. One, a wink and nod agreement with Jason Taylor or Julius Peppers or, two if unknown to us, Crable is a beast.

Otherwise, huh?

*Even though we all say OLB and stuff, editors will change will just change it. No, editors, we think "Oh Elle Bee" not "outside line backer."

"Shame If Your Article Gets Edited," Says Body Guard

William Berry — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 18:32:03 -0400

I wrote an article based on a picture of Gisele throwing out the first pitch at Fenway Park.

It had Duquette saying her signing for middle relief will help strenghthen the bull pen.

It had her complaining that the $42 million for four years was not in Euros and talking about her willingness to take a pay cut.

Well, I thought it was funny.

To bad I had to delete it.

I wrote it. Then went to bed. Later that night I was awoken by a phone call.

"Is this the William Berry who writes for Bleacher Report?" he said instead of "Hello."

"Yes," I said. "Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?"

"I'm just the guy telling you how it will be," he said.

I woke up fast enough to be a jerk in response. "So, Mr. Guy, tell me how it'll be."

"Youse gonna delete 'Red Sox Hire New Middle Relief Pitcher'," he said.

"Why would I do that?" I ask.

"'Cuz Mrs. Bunchen-Brady is askin' you real nice," he said.

"You can tell Mrs. Brady-Bunchen I considered her kind request, then declined," I said.

"Now don't get mad," he said. "This is all civil. I'm just telling you that would not be in your best interest."

"Mr., um, Strong Arm Guy ..."

He cut me off right there, "No, youse don't understand. This is civil. No 'strong arm' stuff. Heck, I ain't even sure what 'strong arm' means. I'm just a concerned guy telling how it is gonna be."

"And your name is..." I said.

"I ain't got no figgin' name already," he said. "Sheesh, I'm just the guy telling you how it's gonna be."

"OK, hypothetically let's say I say, 'No'," I said, "how's it going to be?"

"Geez, you using them big wirds. Pretty wirds, like your article. It sure is pretty. Kinda fragile though. Shame if something happens to it."

"What could you do to an article?" I asked. "This is absurd."

"Dere you go with dem big wirds again. Mrs. Bundchen-Brady knows some editors who don't like big wirds like that. Me I just let them roll over me. I figures out the meaning from context and stuff. Or so I've been told."

"Editors?" I asked.

"Editors," he said.

I deleted the article.

Dear editors: Leave the friggin' tags alone for once. This is a Tom Brady article because without the Tom Brady angle Gisele does not make the sports web site. Since I apparently educate you, Gisele and Tom Brady were married and her "body guards" allegedly shot at some "photographers."

This should stay in satire because I'm calling her entourage mafioso using made up quotes. If this comes to her attention, she will sue if she can. In satire we can say she is a public figure. If you F' this up and put it in breaking news or something we don't have that.

And leave stuff inside quotes alone. I know I misspelled "words" as "wirds." Even though I made up the quotes, they are still quotes, capice?

One editor edited it without reading,. At least the moron had the brains to not change anything, although he thought I was demanding an edit.

Just curious, do any sane people think I was demanding to be pissed on?

Three Separate Points, Two Easy Solutions

William Berry — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:30:37 -0400

Before I check my e-mail I take antacids because I write humor at Bleacher Report.

Oh, before some numbnuts tells me to revert to an earlier revision that does not restore tags.

Fools that happen to be in Mr. Woodley's 3 p.m. class regularly mess up my articles because Mr. Woodley's class has no pre-requisite to be a sports fan.

It's not just me, humor writers often write to me about how they got screwed over by editors. I know one guy whose humor is very subtle. He keeps getting moved from humor to opinion.

I have not heard that in a while, maybe someone has gotten some sense into the editors.

Not enough sense, but a start.

Here is what is happening, people that are fans, of say, just NASCAR*, are editing stuff pertaining to the NFL.

If I write a humor piece about "No Stadium for Old Men: the movie" and have it star several Patriot players but never mention the word Patriots, maybe I tag it for the Patriots for a reason.

An NFL fan knows who those guys are, or at least a Patriots fan. Someone who is not a Patriots fan and is changing that tag is...how do I say this politely...

Oh I forgot, I'm not polite. Someone who is not a Patriots fan, and changing that tag is a moron who should be killed before they can breed.

Mr. NASCAR fan figures it is in humor, and he's safe.

Solution No. 1: Easy solution don't let interns change tags. Community leaders or whatever can because they know what an article in their community should be about.

Yes, there will still be problems with leaders who bury their head in the sand or take the anti-view or whatever—no system is perfect. However, ignorance is removed.

The second problem is with headlines.

If I write, "Patriots over Steelers 10-43: Parker disappoints by only scoring four times" everyone knows the Patriots got killed by the Steelers, but I'm too much of a homer to admit it. Ha, Ha, I think I'm funny.

Now if that gets edited by someone who doesn't know the sport it could easily say, "Patriots over Steelers: Parker disappoints."

Technically, that does not change the meaning much, but the sarcasm that was obvious has disappeared. Now I look like an idiot who was watching a game in a parallel universe or something.

Second easy solution: don't let interns change headlines. Nothing is stopping them from suggesting a change in the editor's comments.

Problem #3, excuse me, No. 3, is just stuff for Mr. Woodley to emphasize to his class. Stuff in quotes is inviolate, even if it is a made up quote in satire.

If I have TO calling his coach Wade Wilson, maybe I don't need that corrected to Wade Phillips. I might want to emphasize how he doesn't even know the coach's name.

That brings me back to the first sentence of this section. If you read "Problem No. 3, excuse me, No. 3..." then this was edited by someone who did not read the article.

If a guy has a stutter and I quote him saying, "It was F-F-Fantas-Fantas- very good," don't edit it to "It was very good." Yes, it means the same thing, but the stutter may be important.

Yes, I made up an unclean or even an unintelligible quote. I put it in the mouth of someone I'm satirizing for a reason.

BTW, "Baseball been berry, berry good to me."

*Random, I'm not picking on NASCAR.

Primate Linebackers In the Draft

William Berry — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:28:30 -0400

This is humor. For all I know I'm mixing round No. 1 prospects with rookie free agents and all are non-drinkers. If this is factually wrong, hey, it I'm not pretending I know. I leave that pretending to E!spn.

Brian Arakpo, Jayon Belcher, Cody Brown, and Larry English in a bar talking about being interviewed by the Patriots.

"Did you guys get that question?" asked Arakpo.

"You mean when Belichick asked, 'If you are in a room with a gorilla with three bananas, a chimp with a stick, and an orangutan which primate could make the transition to a 3-4 outside linebacker best?'"

"Yeah," said Arakpo. "That was weird. I said gorilla because he's strong and well fed."

"Really?" said Jayon Belcher. "I said the chimp because since he has tool, he is showing some intelligence."

"I said the orangutan," said Cody Brown, "because the long arms could help him in coverage. You know, he is beat by a tight end, but still can reach out to the pass."

"Well I guess I'm the top DE/OLB of the Patriot draft board," said Larry English. (Note to editors: who says Defensive End slash Outside Line Backer? If when you screw up this article you can't answer that then DO NOT CHANGE STUFF IN QUOTES.)

"How do you figure?" asked Arakpo.

"Well" said English, "Humans are primates and he said I am in the room. I said I would do best at outside linebacker."

"You mean OLB?" asked Brown.

"Yeah, but I phrased it for morons who can edit this but not knowing how we speak," said English.

"But you used 5 sylables instead of three," said Brown.

"So," said Belcher who could not hold his beer, "wheN I slurr Couneti..Conenetti.. Coneticat Univarsity, it'lll be somebodie jawb to be fixin it up?"

"Never mind that," said Arakpo. Then he turned to English and asked, "So why would you answering that stupid question be so highly rated?"

"Belichick thought it was important to be smart enough to notice a detail like that," said English.

Yes, Bleacher Report editors, this is about the NFL draft. You are welcome for the education since this is your first exposure to any sports.

Vinny Testaverde Signs with New York Jets (Humor)

William Berry — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:52:54 -0400

This is humor!

I was going to have that idiot GM who traded Pennington, signed Favre, then put the blame on Mangini boast about getting the NFL yardage leader.

Unfortunately I started to feel like I was making fun of a crippled guy because he can't bend over and tie his shoes.

(BTW, any "politically correct" people about to call me out for saying crippled, not hand-capable or whatever, please look up Spinal Cerubellar Ataxia then die of shame.)

Sorry back to laughing at misery. Where was I?

Oh yeah. Thanks.

Anyway, I felt bad about picking on the quarterback challenged Jets.*

Oh, I'm an a$$&ole Patriot fan, BTW.

I did not feel bad enough to not write anything, of course. I mean I am an a$$&ole Patriot fan.

Unfortunately for Jet fans, the humor writer has nothing to add except he feels sorry for you.

* Is "quarterback challenged" PC enough?

Note for editors: How many people even know what "PC" stands for? I know the "manual" thinks NFL fans never use the two syllable "QB" and you'll change it to the three syllable quarterback and stuff, but leave this in humor. I openly lie in the headline. It is not "Breaking News." It is not an opinion piece either.

No Stadium For Old Men (humor)

William Berry — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:22:10 -0400

This would be a great movie:

No Stadium for Old Men

Starring: "Junior" Seau, Tedy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison, Roosevelt Colvin, and introducing Jerod Mayo.

With Brett "the jet" Favre and Kurt "He's not dead?" Warner.

Note to editors: Tedy Bruschi is spelled right. Yes, this is humor, not an opinion. I made stuff up.

John Madden Retires To Start Hockey Career. (Humor)

William Berry — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:19:40 -0400

"Boom! I'm a hockey player for the New Jersey Devils," said the John Madden we all know and love.

"Super Bowl winning coach. Video game icon. Famous broadcaster. Hall of Fame member. What is the first thing you'll do now that you have retired," I asked.

"You see, what you have to do to retire is, you gotta stop doing what you were doing. If you keep doing what you were doing then your retirement isn't very effective. That's the key to retirement," said John Madden.

Not sure of how to proceed, I did anyway. "Any truth to the rumors that Al Davis will step aside and let you be as the Raiders GM?" I asked.

"I haven't heard those rumors," he said.

"I made it up to start conversation," I admitted.

"It is a good idea, that Madden guy might work wonders in the Raiders offices," he said.

"Um," I said, "Are you referring to yourself in the third person? You do know you are John Madden, right?"

"Boom! I'm John Madden!" he said. "The key to being a good GM is making the right decisions, because the GM has to make decisions. If he makes bad decisions he is a bad GM. Now Matt Millen was a bad GM because he made bad decisions."

This is satire.

Spirit Of Y.A. Tittle To Sue DANTHEMAN781 (Humor)

William Berry — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 14:09:08 -0400

Y.A. Title said he only has respect for modern players and if some punk kid on the World Wide Webs thing thinks Marino is great, that is fine.

That is not what his ghost said. The not dead Y.A Tittle's spirit sat down with me.

"You know that famous picture of me kneeling in the end zone? It is in black and white so maybe a little snot nosed punk like DANTHEMAN781 thinks that is ink or something. It's not. It is blood."

"So this lawsuit ..." I said.

"The little puke called Marino the best quarterback to never get a ring. Bull$#%^@! Oh sorry, can I say that?"

"I'll edit it. So when he..." I said.

"Look, I was polite when that panty waist broke my TD record. I did not point out mine was in a 14 game season. I did not point out that I was playing football with none of this girlie man 'roughing the quarterback' shi..., um, stuff."

"So in you're opinion..." I said.

"In my day if the receiver was tackled after 8 yards and I hadn't thrown there was no penalty. If there is no pass how can it be pass interference? The defensive back could say he was defending the run and was getting blocked. We didn't have no girlie man rules. Guys like Raymond Berry, whom I respect even though he was a fricken' Colt - Who should have stayed in Baltimore, by the way. What the heck does Indian-no-place have to do with Colts. In my day we'd take Irsay out in an alley and beat the livin' crap out of him for just thinkin' 'bout it. What was I saying before?"

Just then my phone rang. It was the real live Y.A. Tittle. He said, "I just want to emphasize that I only have admiration and respect for Dan Marino and other modern players. I do agree that Raymond Berry was a great person and a great wide receiver. And, if anyone wants to rent "On Any Given Sunday" I get a residual for my performance of a coach. Oh, and I'm not dead."

It was on speaker so his ghost said, "He has to say that crap about the modern nancy-boys. They might as well wear dresses and prance around in the back field." He then moved his voice up an octave and pranced around with floppy wrists, "La-de-da, I'm a quarterback. Ooh, I'm afraid one of the real men might break my nails."

I didn't comment on his act. I'm not sure where to start.

"And don't get me started on the salaries of these fruitcakes today. With all these special rules they should be giving that money to their blockers. Although I'm sure some of those musical loving 'quarterbacks' might need money to bribe defensive linemen to not hit them so hard."

"Sims lost his spleen," I said really quickly.

"So what? Should he get a ficken' medal for doin' his fricken' job? He already gets more in a year than we'd get in a career. Heck, With these new rules you could pay me a million dollars to not get hit."

I quickly said, "Contact the Jets. They might be interested in that offer since it is only a million."

The above is Satire. Although Y.A.Tittle probably has to say polite things, I'm using his ghost to espouse what I think he must think. Oh, and Y.A.Tittle is really alive.

AFC East Article About Peyton Manning (Humor)

William Berry — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:13:21 -0400

by Josh Deemers

This article is on how the AFC East quarterbacks suck compared to the Great Peyton Manning. Obviously you are all jealous of the MVP Peyton Manning.

He is not playing for the Dolphins.

He is not playing for the Jets.

He is not playing for the Bills.

Patriot fans secretly wish he was playing for the Patriots.

The only thing that will make him better is to denigrate Tom Brady. While I'm at it let me say the rest of the quarterbacks in the AFC East are not as good as Peyton Manning.

Chad Pennington? Yeah, right.

Trent Edwards? Pahleeze. I had to look up his name. If he was any good, I'd know his name.

Jets quarterback? At least the Bills had one.

Tom Brady? See any of my hundreds of AFC East articles where I prove conclusively that he is inferior to Peyton in every way.

This is humor. This is the third Josh Deemers article. One. Two. About other players that are seen as better when one denigrates other players. Some one makes this too easy. No, I won't make this an AFC South article, Josh.

Yes, Josh, four of 183 articles. Obviously I'm obsessed with you.

Who Is That Someone, Sneaking 'round The Corner? Is That Someone Tom the Brady?

William Berry — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:34:39 -0400

Apologies to the writers of Mack the knife; Kurt Weill, E. Bertolt Brecht 
and Marc Blitzen.  Then apologies, in no order to Lotte Lenya, 
Bobby Darin, Louis Armstrong, and others who sang it with 
the "Dear" an "Babe."


Oh, Manning, babe, has such skill, dear
And he shows them MVP whites
Just JAGs has old Tom Brady, babe
And he keeps them … ah … out of sight.

Ya know when that Manning throws, with his arm, babe
Highlight film starts to spread
Fancy gloves, though, wears old Tom Brady, babe
So there’s nevah, nevah a trace of red.

Now on the sidewalk,  Sunday mornin’ 
Lies a defensive back just oozin' life.
And someone’s sneakin' ‘round the corner
Could that someone be Tom the Brady?

A-there's linebacker playing tight end, babe
Came in to block but caught a touch down
Oh, that "blocking" is just a ruse, dear
Five'll get ya ten old Brady’s back in town.

D'ja hear ‘bout Anthony Smith? He disappeared,babe
After talkin' out all his hard-earned cash
And now Tom Brady spends just like a sailor
Could it be our boy's done somethin' rash?


Ooh ... Reche Caldwell... Ooh ... David Patten
Ooh … Jabbar Gaffney and sweet Troy Brown 
Oh, the line forms on the right, guys
Now that Brady’s back in town.

Aah … I said Randy Moss … whoa … Wes Welker
Look out to Joey Galloway and old Greg Lewis
Yes, that line forms on the right, guys
Now that Brady’s back in town …

Look out … old Brady is back!!

I used the Bobby Darin version as a base, as if that matters. I have no idea why the

formatting is so screwy.

Apocalypse Belichick Now

William Berry — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:41:56 -0400

Still in New York. I dream of being out there, but I'm still in New York. Everyday I sit in this hotel room he sits in the snow and gets stronger.

I asked for a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. When it was over I'd never want another.

I met with the commissioner in his New York office after I sobered up.

He read my resume, "I see you were involved in operation Marcus Vick."

"If such an operation did exist," I said, "I would not be at liberty to talk about it."

"Of course," he said and pointed to the other suit and tie wearing guy, "this is Mike Tannenbaum."

Mike shook my hand and said, "Of course, I'm not here."

The commissioner told me about my mission, "There is a coach in the Northeast Country that has set up a, well, they think he is a God. Your mission is to terminate him."

"Terminate, how?" I asked.

His aide, who looked like Harrison Ford, said, "Terminate with extreme prejudice."

As we drove along Interstate 95 I went over the dossier. I could not believe it. They want this coach fired. In his career as an assistant he paid his dues working for peanuts with the Baltimore Colts. He had a defensive game plan in the Hall of Fame.

Then he went to Cleveland and it got weird. Something about him changed in Cleveland. He came back to Parcells, but it wasn't the same. He went with Parcells to the Super Bowl. A team with Bledsoe at quarterback!

Then he went with Parcells to NY and wrote the defense that would forever shut down Bledsoe.

He was being groomed. Then he threw it all away. Why?

As we drove through Connecticut the signs of his "team" start cropping up.

At first it was just the odd Patriot logo on a Coors sign in a bar. Then in Rhode Island the skeletons started.

They all wore football uniforms. Mostly numbered from one to 19. Although there was a Charger uniform No. 21.

Then in Massachusetts the bodies stopped. It was as if we passed an impenetrable barrier of warning signs and now there was no going back. I could feel the eyes watching us approach.

In the eerie stillness of new fallen snow we turned of Interstate 495.

In the Gillette stadium parking lot we were welcomed by a group of fans and apparently a photographer wearing a No. 12 jersey.

"You've come for him," said the guy with a camera around his neck. "I'll take you to him."

Chef, my safety, and I followed him, and never talked. We didn't have to.

"These," he motioned to the "fans", "are his children, man. They think you came to take him away. I hope that is not true, man."

"He knows you are here," he said. "He knows why you came." "

I asked, "You talked to him?"

"Man," he said, "I.. No one talks to him. You listen to him. He knows, like, everything, man. Just yesterday he said to me, 'Tom, this wildcat formation will really take off if someone passes from it.'"

"His mind is always off thinking brilliant stuff, man. He has thoughts like that because he is a great man. Me, I'm just a little man. He told me, 'Tom, I might have to cut you tomorrow.' And he meant it, man. He is a great man."

Then he opened the door to a sweaty man shaving his bald head.

"Wrong door. Sorry, Jonathan."

Then he took us to a room where in the shadows you could barely make out a man in the shadows wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt.

The dark figure said nothing, but Tom understood. He told Chef, "Come to the field and meet Randy."

Chef new to get back to the car and call the Jets for an air strike if I didn't come back. I nodded because obviously this Tom and Randy were crazy but safe.

They left and Belichick said to me, "What did they tell you about me?"

"They told me you'd gone crazy and your methods were unsound," I said.

"What do you think of my methods?" he asked.

"Frankly, coach sir, I don't see any methods," I said.

"So you are the assassin."

I didn't reply.

"I'll tell you what you are. You are an errand boy sent to collect the bill by grocery clerks."

Then two "children of Belichick" grabbed me by the arms. I was forced into a bamboo cage with no room to move. As night fell I waited for the air strike. I listened for the Jets.

Then, like an unbidden figure from a nightmare the sweaty bald guy walked by.

Then Belichick appeared and threw Cheff's head on my lap. Did I mention I could not move, but was sitting down in the bamboo cage?

I don't know why, but he eventually released me. I had free run of Gillette stadium.

I don't know why. I don't think he knew why. Or maybe he did. The order came down from the only source of orders he followed.

He started to wear a red hooded sweat shirt

They were slaughtering a buffalo in an opening ceremony when with one cut I cut off the head of the red hoodie. I walked out onto the field holding up the head of the red hoodie, then to the parking lot.

The horror. The horror.

* I took a few liberties with Apocalypse Now. I figured having "Chef" get off the boat was minor. Oh this is Satire. I could be wrong, but I don't Goodell has taken a "hit" on Belichick. Oh, and Jonathan Kraft is not sweaty and bald.

Peyton Manning Has Class

William Berry — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:41:55 -0400

Hi, I'm Joe Pasnarek. I write for The Herald-Tribune. No, not that one. The weekly one for the greater Blowforks County area.

Anyway, I usually cover high school sports, but my editor tells me to interview Peyton Manning as he signs autographs for fans at Pebble Beach.

I feel a little sleazy ambushing him, but another part of me is screaming that this is the bigtime break I've been waiting for.

So I do some research on the unarguably best quarterback in the modern era, but I hear he is not as great in the playoffs. In the regular season, he throws only 2.8 interceptions per attempt. But it goes to 3.0 in playoffs.

I'm thinking, "Big whoop, a whopping 0.2 percent." Then I look at his 5.6 touchdown percentage in the regular season vs. 3.9 percent in the playoffs. At first I figure a 1.7 percent drop is big, but then I figure it may be normal, so I compare him with a few quarterbacks that have a minimum of 10 recent playoff games.

(In my definition of recent, Terry Bradshaw does not count.)

Here is my list:

Ben Roethlesberger: 5.3% to 5.4% TD but 3.6% to 4.3% INT
Donvan McNabb: 4.5% to 4.3% TD and 2.1% to 3.0% INT
Tom Brady: 5.4% to 4.4% TD but 2.4% to 2.0% INT
Kurt Warner: 5.1% to 6.4% TD and 3.2% to 3.2% INT

Peyton Manning: worse 1.7% and worse 0.2%
Ben Roethlesberger: better 0.1% and worse 0.7%
Donovan McNabb: worse 0.2% and worse 0.9%
Tom Brady: worse 1.0% and better 0.4%
Kurt Warner: better 1.4% and even

The 1.7 percent drop in touchdown percentage is in a class by itself. The closest is Tom Brady's drop of 1 percent, but Brady's interception percent gets better.

I know points are scored by the whole offense and maybe Peyton's low touchdown percentage may be because they had more rushing touchdowns, so I checked.

A total 157 regular season rushing touchdowns out of 480 total touchdowns, or 38 percent of all touchdowns, were from the rush. In the playoffs, there were 11 rushing touchdowns of 36 total, or 31 percent. Rushing touchdowns did not increase to make up for Manning's shortfall in passing touchdown percentage.

So I'll get one question. How do I tactfully get him to comment one his postseason weakness? Should I even try, instead of tossing a softball?

Remember, I'm basically ambushing a guy at a golf outing.

So I ask, "Joe Pasnarek of The Herald-Tribune. To what do you attribute your postseason play?" I figure he could take that any way he wants.

"Whenever I look at my ring," he says, "I remember how important Bob Sanders is. Sorry guys I got to tee off." Then, with a chuckle, he leaves. I don't know if he chuckles at his joke or at the thought that a Detroit paper sent a reporter to Pebble Beach.

This is satire. I made up the quote. I made up Joe Pasnarek. Unless my math is off, however, the numbers are accurate.

Note to potential editors: changing "%" to "percent" will drive you and readers nuts because it gets used so often. And changing "TD%" to "touch down percent" is silly anyway since every place with stats lists it as "TD%."

Changing the satire tag is a bad idea, by the way.

FW: Tom Brady Gets Chain E-Mail

William Berry — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 09:16:33 -0400

"We now go to John Clayton, with breaking news in Foxboro. John?"

"Thanks Trey. We've learned that Tom Brady got a chain letter."

"Via regular mail or e-mail, John?"

"E-mail. In fact, it came as fan mail on the Patriots page">Patriots.com site. Players usually do not respond to fan mail, but Brady figured, 'What the heck? Just this once."

"Were you able to get the text of the chain letter, John?"

"According to my unnamed source, Trey, the text is as follows:

'You have been chosen to get this letter because you need a good rehab. You have ten minutes after reading this to forward it to five players rehabbing an injury.

Brett Favre, early in his career, got this e-mail and forwarded it. His streak of starts is legendary.

Peyton Manning was not injured, except psychologically, and upon forwarding this, Bob Sanders stayed healthy.

Rex Grossman forwarded it and lead the Bears to the Super Bowl. That he lost is not our fault. There is only so much we can do. After the Super Bowl, he sent an e-mail mocking the e-mail fairies and now can't handle a snap.

Ben Roethlesberger, or however you spell it, was recovering from his motorcycle accident. He deleted this e-mail and got appendicitis. He recovered this message from his trash and removed the "<"s from the forward and made a full recovery.

Carson Palmer never recovered this message after deleting it and has never been the same since.'"

Trey used his "lost in thought" look then asked, "John, any word if Tom forwarded it?"

"It is all conjecture at this point, but word is he deleted it."

"If he did that is more bad news for a franchise that traded Matt Cassel for only a second round pick," said Trey.

"My theory is Bill Parcells sent it, knowing he would delete it and risk the wrath of the chain e-mail gods. It makes sense since Parcells is a known superstitious person. Of course, that is only conjecture at this point in the story."

"Interesting view of the AFC East gamesmanship. Is Roger Goodell going to get involved, John?"

"Not unless it escalates with Bill Belichick sending a curse to Chad Pennington."