Bleacher Report - Articles by Jeffrey Boswell

Eagles Vs Falcons Preview: The "Woof" Is On Fire

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 13:45:54 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional .

Don't expect any being in the Michael Vick welcoming committee to be standing on four legs. Vick makes his return to Atlanta as a Philadelphia Eagle when the 7-4 Eagles face the 6-5 Falcons in a game both teams need in order to to stay firmly in the playoff hunt.

"Of course, dogs will be on everyone's minds because of Michael's situation," says Donovan McNabb. "But in Atlanta, the Southeast's strip club Mecca, dogs always take a back seat to 'puppies.' I'm sure Mike and I will buddy up and hit the hot night spots while introducing ourselves as 'Ron Mexico' and 'Don McMexico.'"

Injuries continue to mount for the Falcons. Michael Turner aggravated his right ankle injury, and Matt Ryan incurred a turf toe injury, has already been ruled out of Sunday's game, and may miss more time depending on the results of further examinations.

"And this little piggy went to see a specialist," says Ryan. "Turf toe has to be the most aggravating injury in football. It's probably just from overuse, because I've been stubbing my toe all year."

Vick is welcomed back to the Georgia Dome to the sounds of "The Woof is on Fire" from the public address system. Vick gets the last laugh, though, and marks his old territory with a seven-yard rushing touchdown in the second quarter. Eagles win, 23-20.

From the Tee Box: It's Tiger "Wood"

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:00:26 -0500

Tiger Woods' mysterious car accident last weekend, and the subsequent speculation, was an embarrassing situation in an otherwise sterling career. Will the truth of the matter ever emerge, and if so, will Woods' reputation be tarnished?

The more pressing question here is, "Where in the heck was Steve Williams when this all went down?" Woods obviously could have used a second pair of eyes, and Williams is famous for his ability to read driveways just as well as greens.

Now, the true story will probably never be heard, at least from the mouth of Woods, so, it's up to the public, and TMZ.com, to piece together the various accounts and rumors into a believable, and juicy tale.

What is known is that early last Friday, Woods wrecked his Cadillac SUV just outside the driveway of his Isleworth home in Florida, hitting a fire hydrant and a tree in the process. That's not the least bit surprising—Woods' "driving" has always led to trouble.

Then, according to Woods, his wife, Elin Nordegren "rescued" him by breaking out the back window of the car with a golf club and pulling Woods out. This act, of course, is now known as the Nordegren "Open."

Is there more to the incident that just a minor car accident? Unless you're a triple-digit handicap in the IQ department, then it's easy to see some, and more likely many, facts are being withheld. Was there a domestic dispute preceding the accident? If so, did it stem from allegations that Woods had an extramarital affair, as reported by the National Enquirer ? If that's so, was Nordegren simply trying to assess Woods a "stroke" penalty?

According to Woods, the accident was just that, an accident, and no one should read any further into it. On Tuesday, Woods was charged with a traffic violation, and fined $164. But the circumstances surrounding the accident would seem to indicate that there's much more to it.

A 2:30 AM accident, in the driveway, not involving alcohol? That statement is fishy in itself, unless John Daly were somehow involved.

And why did Nordegren smash the windows of the vehicle to "free" Woods instead of just using the doors? Probably because Tiger didn't want to come out. Nothing is worse than the wrath of a woman scorned except for the wrath of a woman scorned who's holding a golf club .

Witnesses at the scene say Woods had scratches on his face. Maybe Nordegren was utilizing good golfing etiquette and wanted simply to replace her divots. Unlike her husband, she's a "scratch" golfer. If Nordegren was, in fact, wielding the club as a weapon, then she undoubtedly boasted to Tiger of her "flexible shaft."

The "woman scorned" scenario seems to be the most logical. Recently, two other women have come forward and claim they had relationships with Woods, and Woods hasn't denied either. So, it seems that Woods' caddy wasn't the only one "on the bag."

In fact, Woods apologized for his transgressions, which is a plural word. There's even an audio recording of Woods calling one of his mistresses and politely asking her to delete a phone number, for fear that Nordegren may be calling. This is just another example of Woods' uncanny scrambling ability.

As Tiger's "transgressions" come forward, it's become clear that all the ladies in Woods' life are gorgeous, and suddenly not too shy about revealing the details of their personal lives. As Woods is finding out, being "loose lipped" isn't always a good thing. In his defense, though, what golfer hasn't been tempted to switch to a "newer model" on occasion?

And there will probably be more mistresses coming forward to bask in their fleeting moment of fame. This is all like a series of bad shots for Woods—one minute, he's "laying three"; the next, 'he's "laying four." And so on.

So, should we respect Woods' pleas for privacy, or should we expect a moral obligation from him to come clean? Of course, we can't expect him to come clean—professional athletes have yet to learn their lessons in that respect. Just ask Mark McGwire or Roger Clemens. But a full confession would be in Woods' best interest.

It's best the public knows all the details, before a sex tape emerges, or before Jose Canseco's next book is published. Known for his "backspin," Woods and his army of public relations soldiers, should put a positive spin on the issue.

How, you may ask? Here's how. With these 26 words, directly out of Woods' mouth: "If I can be this good of a golfer while juggling woman all over the globe, just think how good I'll be on a short leash." With Nordegren, clutching a golf club, by his side when he says this, would there be any doubt that Woods would be on the straight and narrow?

An appearance on Larry King Live , and a stint on Oprah's coach, plus an adorable photo spread of Woods, Nordegren, and the kids in People magazine, and Tiger will seem downright virginal. Follow that up with a dominating win at the Masters, and a tearful winner's speech, flanked by the wife and kids, and Tiger will look so clean that the gossip-mongers will go looking for dirt on Ben Crenshaw.

Woods obviously built his near-unblemished reputation by hiding the truth, and taking the necessary precautions to ensure that his secret affairs remained as such. Now, he can only repair that reputation by telling all and asking, not begging, for forgiveness, from his fans.

In all honesty, his fans probably could care less about an apology. What matters to them is that Woods' game doesn't suffer.

The only apology mandatory is to Nordegren. It's not something that's easily forgiven, and if she decides to forgive, her dignity would then have to be questioned. But if there's a price on her dignity, it will be revealed in the details of a revamped prenuptial agreement.

It's not as if Tiger made one simple mistake; he made several, and to keep it all "hush-hush," he surely had to pay out a substantial amount of "hush" money. If Woods can emerge from this with his reputation fully intact, then it would truly be the greatest "escape" of his career.

Raiders-Steelers Preview: Head Games

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 09:36:40 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Although it's too soon to panic, "worry" is not too harsh of a word to describe the Steelers' predicament. After a tough 20-17 overtime loss to the Ravens, Pittsburgh is 6-5 and struggling to hang on for what promises to be a wild-card race decided by a number of tiebreakers. An unhappy Mike Tomlin promised the Steelers "would not go gently" and would "unleash hell" in the month of December.

"We're by no means down for the count," says Hines Ward, "and unlike Ben Roethlisberger, we plan to answer the bell. I don't mean to question Roethlisberger's commitment, but maybe a new nickname is in order, such as 'Gentle Ben' or 'Ben Her.' Ask anyone. I've played with a concussion on numerous occasions, and I think my show of toughness is good for my teammates to see. Heck, you know me. I'm always being accused of 'leading with my head.'"

"Hines is entitled to his opinion," says Roethsliberger. "But what does he think? I didn't have a concussion? Would that be called the 'Immaculate Concussion?' Hines is a tough guy, and we're all very proud. Sure he's played with a concussion. Now I realize I've played with a 'jackass.'"

The Raiders will be playing the underdog, but with 10 days to prepare, Oakland should be well-rested for a Steelers team drained from both a tough game and dissent from within.

"In-fighting amongst the Steelers is music to my ears," says Tom Cable. "And the song that comes most to mind is Foreigner's 'Head Games,' not to mention 'Double Vision,' and 'Feels Like the First Time,' an ode to Dennis Dixon. In addition, Troy Polamalu won't be playing. Troy's exactly what the Steelers need to emerge from their funk.

Not necessarily his defensive skills, but his even-tempered, soft-spoken mannerisms are perfect for creating unity. Besides, if you ask him about the Roethlisberger situation, he'll just comment on his hair, or accuse you of doing so. But Troy's gone Hollywood; he's in more commercials than games."

Here's a Foreigner song the Steelers should really take a listen to: "Urgent." With a heavy heart and a light head, Roethlisberger plays, and plays well, finding Ward for two scores, and knocking Ward to the ground with a celebratory head butt after the first score.

Pittsburgh wins, 24-6.

NFL Thanksgiving Day Game Previews

Jeffrey Boswell — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:16:56 -0500

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Green Bay at Detroit

Detroit's stunning 38-37 win over the Browns last week certainly gives the Lions a measure of momentum heading into their annual Thanksgiving Day game, this time against NFC North division rival Green Bay.

After Matthew Stafford found Brandon Pettigrew for a one-yard touchdown pass on the game's final play, pandemonium reigned in Detroit, the likes of which haven't been seen since the doors opened to festival seating at the Bob Seger concert at Cobo Hall back in 1977.

"Unlike last year," says Stafford, "there's hope for a win on Thanksgiving this year. We've got two wins under our belt, and with success, to use the term loosely, fans come to expect even more. As such, Lions fans have become so demanding that they're expecting a win on Thanksgiving by the home team ."

"As you know, I made that last play with a separated shoulder. And I suffered a dislocated knee earlier this year. So do me a favor. On Thanksgiving, after the turkey's gone and it's time to tear the wishbone in two, should that wishbone break your way, put in a wish for bones remaining in their sockets."

Aaron Rodgers' mouth must be watering at the thought of facing a Detroit defense that surrendered 304 yards passing and four touchdown passes to Brady Quinn last week. Rodgers threw for 344 against the 49ers, and suffered only two sacks, a marked improvement to the protection issues he's often faced this year.

"Those offensive line issues are behind us," said Rodgers. "We've effectively removed the 'drop' from the three-, five-, and seven-step drop. This A-Rod's 'slugging' percentage is tumbling towards the Mendoza Line. No longer do my linemen worry about 'roughing the passer.' Now it's a case of 'roughing the passé.'"

With Stafford and Johnson likely to sit, or at best, play hurt, the Lions offense will suffer. And Rodgers should have his way through the air. Rodgers throws for 278 yards and three scores, and the Packers win, 34-17 .

Oakland at Dallas

An unlikely hero emerged in Oakland as Bruce Gradkowski, starting in place of the benched JaMarcus Russell, helped the Raiders to a 20-17 upset win over Cincinnati. Gradkowski's 29-yard pass to Louis Murphy with 33 seconds left tied the game, setting the stage for Sebastian Janikowski's game-winning field goal after a Bengal fumble.

"During this time of year," says Gradkowski, "I'm thankful for many things but mostly for the fact that Al Davis prefers white meat over dark meat. I understand that I'm likely just a temporary fill-in while JaMarcus gets his head on straight and heals his bruised ribs. No, he didn't take any vicious hits; it's the result of me nudging him in the side to wake him up in meetings. JaMarcus's study habits leave a lot to be desired. Often I've tried talking 'Xs and Os' with JaMarcus. Inevitably, he always ends up asking 'Who's move is it?' Or it results in some unwanted hugs and kisses."

With a tenuous one-game lead in the NFC East, the Cowboys have a lot to play for, and can ill-afford a let down against the 3-7 Raiders. A lackluster 7-6 win over the Redskins kept the 'Boys on top of the NFC East.

"A 7-6 win?" says Tony Romo. "I guess we won in a tiebreaker, and such an unimpressive win is sure to create a 'racket' here in Dallas. And that certainly seems to be the case with the altercation between Dave Campo and Terrence Newman. Coaches and players should never become physically involved, unless that coach is an attractive, blonde model/actress/singer. Campo and Newman crossed the line, and are guilty of a 'double fault.' Usually, no good can come of such a confrontation, but there are exceptions—Newman's shove of Campo was the best 'jam' we've ever seen from Terrence in years."

Dallas will need wins over inferior opponents to maintain their division lead, and remain on track for an early playoff exit against the Giants or Eagles. Dallas is clearly the better team, but you never know which Raiders team will show up. As they proved last week against the Bengals, sometimes the stars align, as do the liver spots on Al Davis' face, and the Raiders play with inspiration.

But not Thursday. The Dallas rush harasses Gradkowski, and Romo throws two scores to Patrick Crayton, while Roy Williams proves that Thanksgiving is not only a time for turkey legs, but "alligator arms," as well.

Dallas wins, 31-13.

New York Giants at Denver Broncos

With an overtime win over the Falcons, the Giants ended a four-game losing streak, and will now face a Denver unit reeling from their own four-game skid. Collectively, the Giants and Broncos surrendered 66 points last week, and unless their respective defenses can return to early-season form, disappointment is sure to follow.

"Last week saw me 'eating crow' after the Chargers whipped us," says Josh McDaniels. "If we, in fact, 'owned' the Chargers, then they 'repossessed' themselves. So suffice it to say I won't be talking any trash to the Giants before the game. On Thanksgiving, I plan to do nothing but 'talk turkey,' and engage the Giants in a spirited discussion over what my most glaring flaw is—being overrated or being underage."

The Giants racked up 456 yards of offense against the Falcons, but that kind of yardage will be likely harder to come by in the altitude at Mile High Stadium against a Bronco defense eager to recapture early season glory.

"Hey, we're looking for our 'mojo', too," says Tom Coughlin. "As in the case of the Broncos, it's probably locked deep inside the magic of past Super Bowl wins. For us, I'm guessing a cavity search of Plaxico Burress would turn up some of that lost 'mojo.' But I'd prefer to find it somewhere else."

With some of the Broncos bickering amongst themselves, it's time for McDaniels to "take ownership" and get their minds right, because there's obviously been a failure to communicate. Or, in simpler terms, he could just tell Marshall he needs a huge game from him.

Marshall catches eight passes for 123 yards and two scores, and the Broncos win, 24-21 .

Bengals-Raiders Preview: JaMarcus Russell Flushed in Oakland

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:31:14 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

With the AFC North well in hand after last Sunday's 18-12 win in Pittsburgh, the Bengals can turn their attention to more trivial things, like the Raiders.

"I think the Steelers are stunned that we've beaten them twice," says Carson Palmer. "I'm sure they didn't expect us to take them down at Heinz Field. But what's the best way to remove a 'line in the sand?' By 'sweeping' it away, of course.

"Marvin Lewis now has the kind of team he's always wanted, one that is defined by an attacking defense and an efficient, mistake-free offense. It took him awhile, but Marvin's finally been able to put his best defenders on the field instead of in the courtroom."

In Oakland's 16-10 loss to the Chiefs last week, JaMarcus Russell was a dismal 9-of-24 for 67 yards, an effort that got him benched , but not punched, by Tom Cable. Bruce Gradkowski took over at quarterback and was worse, throwing two interceptions.

"No. 2 was stinking up the joint," says Cable, "so I had no choice but to pull him. That's doing what any decent-minded person would do—I executed a courtesy flush.

"Now, for this franchise, choosing a quarterback is a lot like choosing a head coach—it's a 'hit or miss' exercise. Of course, in the case of my selection as coach, it's both 'hit and miss.'"

With Cedric Benson injured, the Bengals signed former Kansas City troublemaker Larry Johnson to reinforce their rushing attack, a development that left many observers spitting their drinks out in surprise. Some even denounced their sexuality.

Hopefully, for the sake of the Bengals and their postseason aspirations, Johnson will "run in" to a game before he has a "run-in" with the law.

Cincinnati wins, 23-7.

Colts vs. Ravens Preview: Ray of "Lite"

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:02:31 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

With an assist from Bill Belichick, the Colts are 9-0 and two games ahead of the Bengals in the race for playoff home-field advantage. A loss to the Patriots was nearly in the books until the Patriots eschewed a punt on 4th-and-2, and instead went for the first down. Tom Brady's pass to Kevin Faulk was stopped short by defensive back Melvin Bullitt.

"Unlike Faulk," says Peyton Manning, "we dodged a 'Bullitt,' and in turn gave Belichick a 'Melvin.'"

"But that game certainly told us a lot about ourselves, especially the fact that the Patriots are much more adept at stopping themselves than we are of stopping them."

"Now, I don't think Baltimore's Jim Harbaugh would duplicate Belichick's decision. I'm sure Harbaugh would punt it and rely on his defense. But should he?

The Baltimore defense isn't what it used to be. In fact, if a shutout can possibly be underwhelming, then the Ravens' 16-0 blanking of the Browns was just that. This isn't the suffocating, Ray Lewis-led defense of the Ravens Super Bowl year. This is the Ray of 'Lite' defense."

It's been a frustrating year so far for the Ravens, made even more so on Monday night when Brady Quinn's cut block injured linebacker Terrell Suggs, a play that had Ray Lewis and his teammates seething.

"Son of a whore," quoth the Raven. "Son of a whore. I don't think we have to worry about Manning cheap shots. First of all, Manning is not at all known for his blocking skills. Second of all, the Colts would never put him in a position to even attempt a block . That's what's so ironic about the Quinn/Suggs situation. Obviously, Eric Mangini called a play in which he knew Quinn would meet Suggs, with the intention being that Quinn would get laid out, and therefore not meet playing time bonuses. Instead, Quinn got lucky, and laid Suggs out. It's just another example of another Mangini plan going awry."

Do my eyes deceive me, or are the Colts actually underdogs ? If a certain Washington running back named Ladell was currency, you can best believe I'd be placing my "Betts" on the Colts. Or should I? Is this that game that happens every year in which the Colts run defense is exposed for a quarter-mile of rushing yards?

Manning picks apart the Baltimore defense, throwing for 258 yards and three touchdowns. Reggie Wayne catches two of those, and the Colts overcome a lackluster defensive effort to win, 31-27 .

New York Jets vs. New England Patriots Preview: Patriot Missive

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:46:28 -0500

If he could turn back time, would Bill Belichick reconsider his decision to gamble on 4th-and-2 from his own 28 with a 34-28 lead over Peyton Manning and the Colts?

“Would I reconsider it?” says Belichick. “Yes, I would reconsider it, hopefully long enough for Tom Brady to realize that the wise thing to do in that situation would be to take a delay of game penalty. It takes a certain amount of arrogance to make that call in the first place, and even more to say I’d do it again. I’m haughty by nature, not because I hate you. Now, I’m down with ‘O.P.P.-robrium.’”

The Jets' 16-9 win over the Patriots in Week Two seems like a distant memory. Since then, New York is 2-5 and struggling defensively. And the Jets know the Pats haven’t forgotten that early beat down, and they’re likely still stinging from their shocking loss to the Colts.

“We all know Belichick’s a known cheater,” says Mark Sanchez. “Who knew he was guilty of cheating himself? And yet, he says he would do it again. Would that be called ‘4th-and-too?’

“Of course the Patriots don’t take too kindly to embarrassing defeat. When they’re out for revenge, they’re a lot like Oprah Winfrey—they can drop 50 before you know it. We know we’ll have to play as well as, if not better than, we did in Week Two. Personally, I won’t rest easy until the game, and a wiener, are in hand.”

I predict that the Patriots come out fired up, and casually march 80 yards on their first possession for a score. Instead of kicking the extra point, Belichick again decides to "go for two," and this time succeeds, as Brady finds Ben Watson for the conversion. Rex Ryan cries at this show of gamesmanship, and the rout is on.

New England wins 37-20.

Dolphins Vs Panthers Preview: "Direct" Snapper

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:00:36 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Believe it or not, the Panthers are just one game out of a wild-card spot after Sunday’s 28-19 win over the Falcons. At 4-5, Carolina trails four other teams with 5-4 records, and although the playoffs are months away, Carolina’s fortunes have vastly improved lately.

They’ll try to keep that momentum rolling when the Dolphins visit Bank Of America Stadium on Thursday night.

“Hey, what happens when the ‘wildcat’ meets a Panther?’” says Steve Smith. “The same thing that happens when a Panther meets a Panther for a bathroom rendezvous---‘fur’ flies. If there’s one thing Panther cheerleaders aren’t, it’s shy. Talk about a direct 'snap-per.’”

“Anyway, after two touchdowns last week, it looks like Jake Delhomme and I are finally on the same page—the sports page. We’re actually appearing in the box score. For much of this season, without a lot of action coming my way, the grind of the season was getting to me. I felt like I was punching a ‘time clock,’ which, despite rumors to the contrary, is not Ken Lucas’ nickname.”

Regardless of all the talk that the “wildcat” is losing its newness and is therefore less successful, the Dolphins still prefer to run it like it’s going out of style. Last week, Miami rushed for 199 yards against the Buccaneers, with Ricky Williams posting 102 of those.

“The Panthers are playing like the team that won the NFC South last year,” says Williams, “so it won’t be easy in North Carolina. I’m not sure why they call it the ‘Tar Heel State,’ but I can only surmise that tar is as pesky on one’s heels as it is in one’s pipe. That’s not from personal experience; of course I learned it second-hand.”

The rushing attacks of both teams will dictate the pace of the game, but Steve Smith gives the Panthers an edge, mostly because he can catch the ball. Smith scores on a 14-yard pass from Delhomme late, then celebrates in the end zone with a pose imitating teammate Captain Munnerlin, a act which is not forbidden by the NFL.

Carolina wins, 27-20.

NASCAR Power Rankings: Phoenix

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:15:47 -0500

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson

Johnson dominated in Phoenix, whipping the field for his fourth victory of the Chase. He led 238-of-312 laps in the desert, and needs only to finish 25th or better to clinch the Sprint Cup.

"My wreck in Texas may have opened the door," Johnson said, "but my performance in Phoenix certainly closed it. So things went from 'slammed' to 'slammed shut.'"

"In any case, it doesn't matter if my quest for the Cup goes slightly astray, I'll still be yelling 'Four!' to my competitors as a warning to 'watch out.'"

2. Mark Martin

Martin finished fourth in the Checker O'Reilly Auto Parts 500 in Phoenix, losing 31 points to leader and race winner Jimmie Johnson. Martin trails by 108, and is the only driver with a mathematical chance to overtake Johnson.

"Here in Phoenix," said Martin, "it was pretty much left up to the weather to put the heat on Jimmie."

"Now, I probably won't win the Cup this year, but there's nothing wrong with second place, although with me, it grows tiresome. But if I didn't feel confidently about next year, I never would have re-upped with Hendrick Motorsports for 2010. I guess you could say I'm coming back for 'seconds.'"

3. Jeff Gordon

Gordon's ninth-place finish in Phoenix, coupled with Jimmie Johnson's win, knocked Gordon out of contention for a chance to win the Sprint Cup. When Johnson starts Sunday at Homestead, Gordon will be officially eliminated.

"I'm really disappointed that we don't at least have a shot," Gordon said. "It hurts to know that all Jimmie has to do is start, and we're 'finished.' But we're not dead yet. There's a chance, albeit a very slight one, that Johnson won't qualify for the race. Sure, it's unlikely, but there are times when a wacky Mayan prophecy is all you have left to cling to."

4. Denny Hamlin

Hamlin posted his 14th Top-Five finish of the year with a third in the Checker O'Reilly Auto Parts 500. Hamlin moved up three spots to eighth in the point standings, 322 out of first.

"Jimmie Johnson's fourth Sprint Cup title aside," Hamlin said, "the biggest story in NASCAR now is my feud with Brad Keselowski. NASCAR called the brash young star into the hauler before Sunday's race, probably to tell him that 'brash' rhymes with 'crash.' I've already vowed to wreck him at Homestead. I'm not sure where my front bumper will meet his back bumper, but I do know that 'FedEx' will mark the spot."

5. Kurt Busch

Busch led 69 laps in Phoenix and came home sixth, his 20th Top-10 result of the year. Busch's No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge led the first 52 laps and was seemingly the only other car on the track capable of remotely challenging Jimmie Johnson's No. 48.

"I though we 'had something' for Johnson," Busch said. "That 'something' was nothing more than a goodbye wave as he blew by me. But I'm sure Jimmie can smell victory. It smells like champagne and dust — the champagne he'll be drinking, and the dust we're already eating."

6. Juan Montoya

Montoya finished eighth in Phoenix, his 18th Top-10 finish of the year. He remained sixth in the points, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 289.

"I guess my hopes of becoming the first Hispanic NASCAR champion are over," Montoya said. "At least heading in to Phoenix, there was a chance. Afterwards, there's nada chance."

7. Tony Stewart

Stewart was one of several cars collected in a lap 169 crash started when Dale Earnhardt, Jr. got loose on the narrow back straightaway. Stewart eventually finished 25th, two laps down, and held on to fifth in the points, 285 out of first.

"It looks like Jimmie brought his 'A' game to Phoenix," Biffle said, "while everyone else brought their 'B' game, or worse. Some, like Junior, brought their 'E' games.

8. Greg Biffle

Biffle finished 14th in Phoenix, and is seventh in the point standings, 321 out of first.

"The race at Homestead will be nothing more than a 400 mile victory parade," Biffle said. "It will be just like any parade — there will be clowns, erratic driving, and the man everyone came to see. No, not Santa Claus, but Jimmie Johnson."

9. Kasey Kahne

Kahne came home 15th in the Checker O'Reilly Auto Parts 500, and maintained the 10th spot in the standings, where he is 476 out of first.

"With Jimmie Johnson's fourth title imminent," Kahne said, "there's very little left to the imagination, except for the rumors of Danica Patrick joining NASCAR. I'm imagining it right now. The day that Patrick signs with a NASCAR team will be anything but a 'Dog Day Afternoon,' and I'll be the one leading the 'Danica! Danica! Danica!' chant."

10. Carl Edwards

Edwards remained winless in Cup races this year, finishing 16th in Phoenix. After nine wins last year, Edwards looked like a shoo-in to contend for the Cup, but 2009 has been a series of disappointments.

"I won this race last year," Edwards said, "and defending that victory would put a positive spin on the season. And I'm sure Mark Martin would like to see a 'positive spin', as well, which in his case would be another early wreck by Jimmie Johnson."

Denver Broncos vs. Washington Redskins Preview: Gentlemen, Start Your Injuns

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:12:44 -0500

How bad is the situation in Washington?

Not only are the Redskins 2-6, but the Sherman Lewis play-calling experiment has made little or no difference. In addition, DeAngelo Hall has accused Falcons coach Mike Smith of cursing at him on the sidelines in Atlanta.

Not to be outdone, former Skins John Riggins and Joe Theismann can't agree on proper etiquette in regards to criticizing owner Daniel Snyder.

"I should speak up and say 'stop the madness!'" says Jim Zorn, "but under my limited duties as head coach, that's no longer my job. But it sure is entertaining to watch. You have to take what Riggins says with a grain of salt, or two shots of whiskey. He's always been very opinionated, whether speaking from under a table at a black-tie, White House dinner, or from his platform on talk radio."

"As for Hall, his mouth is like an opposing receiver — he just can't cover it. And if Smith did curse at him, I'm sure it's nothing DeAngelo hasn't heard from a coach before. In Snyder's case, he's just an incompetent owner, a 'brass' monkey, if you will. He may be the 'Indian head,' but he's not worth a nickel."

After a 6-0 start, the Broncos have lost two straight, including a 28-10 loss to the Steelers on Monday night. After early success throwing, Kyle Orton was atrocious, throwing three interceptions after only tossing one pick in seven previous games.

"Hey, I never said I wasn't a 'down to earth' guy," says Orton. "Look, if you spend enough time with Rex Grossman, then some of his talent is bound to rub off on you. That's what happened on Monday. As for the Redskins, they're a victim of piss-poor ownership. That's why Snyder needs to 'relieve himself' of his duties."

Prior to the game, Zorn gives the greatest motivational speech of his life, closing his talk with the words "Gentlemen, start your Injuns!" The Skins come out blazing, and take a 10-0 lead. Then the Broncos reel off 42 unanswered points. Not really, but Denver fans always appreciate a little Super Bowl XXII humor.

Denver wins, 24-16.

Chiefs Vs Raiders Preview: Talking "Smack"

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:02:48 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The 1-7 Chiefs visit Oakland to face the 2-6 Raiders in a battle of AFC West rivals whose off-the-field issues have provided more drama than anything that's occurred on the field. The Chiefs released Larry Johnson, and allegations of a history of violence continue to dog Raider's head coach Tom Cable.

"As you've heard," says Al Davis, "Cable's ex-wife and a former girlfriend have alleged that he abused them. This news, coupled with Randy Hanson's charges that Cable punched him, certainly leaves the Raider organization with a black eye. For the eye-patched Raiders, that's two eyes obstructed, which would have to explain why no one could corroborate Hanson's story, even though several apparently witnessed it. It seems to be a Cable 'cabal,' of which I'm a part of.

"Now, Cable and I have discussed the abuse allegations at great length. By 'great length,' I mean it took us forever to address all of them. But I think we made progress. I'm from the NFL's 'old school.' Never did I realize that talking 'smack' could be so productive."

Johnson was released early this week and has already cleared waivers. In place of Johnson, former University of Texas speedster Jamaal Charles will start.

"Larry Johnson had to go," says Todd Haley. "Since I've been here, I've preached a 'take no prisoners' approach to the game. And since Larry was destined for prison, we couldn't take him any more. And we didn't 'slur' our speech when we told him so. Now, I'm sure Larry will find another home. But for Christ's sake, don't mention anything about him 'playing for the other team.' I don't think he'd take that too well."

"As for the Raiders, distractions have historically proven either to tear a team apart or bring them closer together. I think the latter applies here. If there's one thing Cable is capable of doing, it's making the Raiders a team of 'world-beaters.'"

Oakland wins, 27-16.

Eagles Vs Chargers Preview: Monkeys On The Backs

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 12:57:55 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Two of the best quarterbacks never to have won a Super Bowl face off in San Diego, as Donovan McNabb leads the Eagle against Philip Rivers and the Chargers. Both teams are 5-3 and in second in their respective divisions.

"I guess Donovan and I both have 'monkeys' on our backs," says Philip Rivers. "We're both looking to rid ourselves of animals. Obviously, McNabb's had more success leaving wildlife behind, because he's left 'yak' on the field on numerous occasions."

"Now, before information gets skewed, let's just clarify that Lawrence Taylor was the 'L.T.' arrested a few days ago for leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn't LaDainian Tomlinson. It couldn't have been. Heck, LaDainian almost always stops on contact."

Without the versatility of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles' offense was simply "pedestrian" in last week's 20-16 loss to the Cowboys. That would explain why David Akers "walked" on to the field for three field goals, as the offense stalled. Red zone efficiency will be tantamount to success in Sunday's contest in San Diego.

"Tantamount?" says Donovan McNabb. "I love that word, especially when used as a verb. Anyway, we need this game just as badly as the Chargers. And, in case anyone's forgotten, particularly a former felon who thinks he deserves more playing time, the quarterback of this team is named 'Mc Nabb,' not 'Vc Nabb.'"

Eagles win, 26-23.

Bills-Titans Preview: "Stretch" Marks

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:49:25 -0500

(Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.)

After their 34-27 win over the 49ers last week, the Titans have won two in a row after a dismal 0-6 start to the season. Running back Chris Johnson, who leads the NFL with 959 yards, said that the Titans could win their last 10 games and make the playoffs.

“I admire Chris’ confidence,” says Jeff Fisher. “But we have to be realistic. Consequently, as people told me to ‘take that shirt off,’ Chris needs to ‘keep his pants on.’ He’s obviously as talented at ‘jumping to conclusions’ as he is at ‘rushing to fruition.’ Heck, and I though LenDale White was the one with ‘stretch’ marks.”

For the Bills, Trent Edwards will return at quarterback after missing two games with a concussion. In his absence, Ryan Fitzpatrick led the Bills to a 1-1 record.

“I’ve heard the rumors that the Bills showed interest in signing Vick,” says Edwards. “And some of my teammates have expressed their support for Vick. That’s just shortsighted thinking. What if this franchise moves to Canada, like many have predicted? Then what? Vick’s a convicted felon. Sure he can clear waivers, but can he clear customs?”

“But let’s be serious. This game is about one thing, and that’s revenge for 2000’s ‘Music City Miracle,’ in which the Bills were robbed of a playoff win in Tennessee. That play has been analyzed incessantly in Buffalo by independent, biased parties, and the same conclusion has always been drawn—that the officials for that game were half-blind, which is equivalent to viewing that play through a ‘Music City monocle.’”

With the Bills geared to stop Chris Johnson, the Titans open up their passing game. Vince Young throws for a score and rushes for another.

Tennessee Wins 24-20

NASCAR Power Rankings: Texas

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:39:45 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson—Johnson's worst fears were realized on lap three at Texas Motor Speedway, when contact between David Reutimann and Sam Hornish sent the No. 48 spinning. Johnson grazed the wall and rebounded into Hornish, severely damaging the Lowe's Chevy. After about an hour in the garage, Johnson returned in a rebuilt car and eventually finished 38th. His points lead is now 73 over Mark Martin.

"I came to the Lone Star state as the 'lone star' of the Chase," Johnson said. "Instead of opening up a can of 'whoop ass,' someone else opened up a can of 'dumb ass.' But I guess I got what I deserved. When you choose to drive door-to-door with the likes of Sam Hornish, Jr., things like that happen. All too often in races this year, me, and other drivers, have found themselves asking 'What in the Sam Hornish is going on here?'"

"You probably noticed I remained in the car while my crew made extensive repairs. Was I uncomfortable? Heck now. With a 184-point lead going into Texas, I had a pretty nice 'seat cushion' to keep me happy."

2. Mark Martin—Martin finished fourth in the Dickies 500, his 13th top-five finish of the year. Martin entered the race 184 points behind Jimmie Johnson, but now trails by only 73 after an early accident left Johnson with a crippled car and a 38th-place finish.

"I think an updated version of a Led Zeppelin classic is in order after what happened to Jimmie Johnson," Martin said. "I just can't get the words of 'When The Chevy Breaks' out of my head. There's no doubt that when Johnson wrecked, the first words out of his mouth were 'I'll be dammed .'"

3. Jeff Gordon—Gordon started from the pole in the Dickies 500 and finished 13th, a disappointing result made more disappointing by teammate Jimmie Johnson's 38th-place result. Johnson wrecked early, opening the door for his pursuers to make up considerable ground.

"In addition to spinning trying to avoid Carl Edwards and Juan Montoya," Gordon said, "we also had trouble finding the right feel for the car. We never got the handling like we wanted it. So, considering Jimmie Johnson's early wreck, we had so much to gain, but everything 'too loose.'"

4. Kurt Busch—Busch took the lead in Texas with two laps to go when his brother Kyle ran out of gas, and the elder Busch claimed his second win of the year. Busch improved two spots in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 176.

"I've really have to give Pat Tryson credit for making the fuel call that won us this race," Busch said. "I guess he's the one that should be wearing the post-race '10-gallon hat.' Hey, do you know why the good Lord gave me ears? To keep this cowboy hat from covering my eyes."

5. Tony Stewart—Stewart fought his way to a sixth in the Dickies 500, as adjustments steadily improved the No. 14 Old Spice Chevy but never made it as fast as it needed to be to contend for the win. He is now fifth in the point standings, 178 out of first.

"We never could quite get over the hump," Stewart said. "But that hasn't stopped me from doing the 'Hump-ty Dance,' and I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. But I won't lie. I think in Phoenix, Jimmie Johnson will 'bounce back,' this time not into the path of Sam Hornish, Jr., and win in Phoenix, and all but clinch the Sprint Cup. Amazingly, that will be the third time in this Chase that Johnson has 'all but' clinched the title."

6. Ryan Newman—Newman finished 12th in the Dickies 500, and fell one spot in the point standings to ninth, where he trails Jimmie Johnson by 324.

"Jimmie Johnson's troubles added some drama to the Chase," Newman said. "I'm surprised Johnson didn't go the safe route like he did at Talladega. Apparently, he wanted to come in here and send a 'Tex' message.' But delivery was denied."

7. Juan Montoya—Montoya got loose on lap 174, hitting the wall and taking out Carl Edwards, with Jeff Gordon spinning to avoid contact. With considerable damage, Montoya's No. 42 Dodge was in the garage for lengthy repairs, and Montoya eventually finished 37th. He is now sixth in the points, 236 out of first.

"The car just went out from under me," Montoya said. "It was as if someone has 'Griese-d' the wheels. It looks as though the 'taco jinx' continues to curse me. 'Tex-Mex' wasn't on the menu here, but 'Tex-Wrecks' was."

8. Denny Hamlin—Hamlin scored his second runner-up finish of the Chase, finishing second behind Kurt Busch in Texas. Hamlin now trails Jimmie Johnson by 327 in the point standings with two races remaining.

"Hey, if you took out my four worst finishes in the Chase," said Hamlin, "I'd have four DNFs. But I plan on going for the wins in the last two races, not only for the glory, but also to build momentum for next year, although that momentum will probably be gone by December. I drive the FedEx-sponsored car, but I refuse to 'mail it in.'"

9. Greg Biffle—Biffle finished eighth in the Dickies 500, joining fourth-place finished and Roush Fenway teammate Matt Kenseth in the top 10. Biffle is seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings, 247 out of first.

"Who says the Chase format needs tweaking?" Biffle said. "What needs 'tweaking' is Jimmie Johnson, for even putting himself in that position in the first place. I think it's funny that although Johnson returned with a 'black hood' after his wreck, he was anything but an executioner."

10. Kyle Busch—Busch dominated in Texas, leading 232 of 333 laps before running out of fuel with two laps to go, giving the lead to his brother Kurt, who went on to win. The failed fuel gamble cost Busch a spot in history, as he was looking to become the first driver to sweep the truck series, Nationwide, and Sprint Cup races at one venue.

"In my situation," Busch said, "why not go for broke? As it was, I didn't get the 'break.' Besides, this is just another failure I can pin on Steve Addington, thereby justifying his departure. Isn't it funny? One Busch brother crew chief is leaving voluntarily, while another is leaving involuntarily. That reminds me of my final days at Hendrick Motorsports, when the two most overheard phrases were 'I don't want to be here' and 'I don't want you here.'"

Bears-49ers Preview: Defenseless Victims

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:29:59 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The NFL Network’s first game this season features two teams quickly becoming afterthoughts in the playoff conversation. The Bears are 4-4 after a 41-21 home loss to the Cardinals, while the 49ers are 3-5.

“The Bears can’t stop the pass,” says Mike Singletary, “and we can’t stop the run. And the Village People Can’t Stop The Music . There was no rapping linebacker in that group, which is unfortunate for me, because I’ve always fancied myself in a flowing neckerchief.

“Now, if you’re aware of my coaching style, you know that I’ve got to be a macho man. Hopefully, that attitude will rub off on my players, because we really need to be physical to win.”

In a losing effort, Jay Cutler had a big day against Arizona, throwing for 369 yards and three touchdowns. The Bears had to abandon the run early after falling behind 31-7, so it wasn’t the type of big numbers Cutler desired.

“I think there’s a name for a game like that,” says Cutler. “It’s called ‘Cut And Pasted.’ When you dig yourself a hole early, there’s not much else you can do except fight to get out of it. If that entails throwing exclusively on every down, or sucker-punching a defenseless Cardinal, then so be it.

“Interestingly enough, in that game, there was one defenseless Cardinal and eleven defenseless Bears.”

Chicago wins 23-22.

Cowboys vs Eagles Preview: Romo, "It's Like A Playoff Game"

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:58:41 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

When these two teams last met, it was the final week of the 2008 season, with playoff implications on the line for both teams. That game ended with a 44-6 Philly win, which the Eagles rode all the way to the NFC Championship Game. This time, the stakes aren't as high, but first place in the NFC East awaits the winner.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," says Tony Romo. "I'm treating this like a playoff game. That's good news for the Eagles and bad news for the Cowboys."

"As for rumors of a brewing controversy over me getting each of my receivers enough touches, well, that's nothing new to me. Heck, I can't tell you how many times last year I was accused of inappropriate 'touching.' Anyway, I'm not at all like Jessica Simpson — there's not enough of me to spread around."

With a win, the Eagles would not only take sole possession of first in the division, but they'd also proudly sport three consecutive wins over division opponents.

"I fully expect the Cowboys to come here with their game faces on," says Donovan McNabb. "Last year, they came in the same way, but left unable to even face themselves , with their heads hung so low they could see their tails between their legs."

"On Sunday, they'll have to deal with the hottest player in the league, DeSean Jackson, who's a threat to cross the goal line any time he steps on the field. We just hope he has the ball when he does it."

Philadelphia wins, 30-26.

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Chargers vs. Giants Preview: Draft Dodger

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:25:58 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional

Philip Rivers and Eli Manning will forever be linked by the 2004 NFL draft, in which Manning was selected first by the Chargers, then traded to the Giants for Rivers, whom the Giants selected fourth. The two young quarterbacks will meet in Giants Stadium on Sunday, with their respective teams heading in opposite directions—the Chargers have won two straight, while the G-Men have dropped their past three.

"Of course, everyone knows that Manning had publicly refused to play for the Chargers if they drafted him," Rivers said. "Well, you can stop the John Elway comparisons right there. Sure, they're both 'draft dodgers,' but until Eli can give an overrated coach two Super Bowl wins, he won't be mentioned in the same breath with Elway."

"Less than a month ago, the Giants were undefeated and topping the list of many power rankings. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. And we thought Plaxico Burress' fall from grace was quick. It seems the G-Men, like Burress, have nearly lost their manhood."

If the Chargers are to win on the road, they'll have to get some pressure on Manning. Shawne Merriman, once one of the most feared sack artists in the league, has managed only two sacks so far this year.

"One has to wonder," Manning said, "whether Merriman's past success can be attributed to performance-enhancing drugs. It seems odd that as soon as he got 'clean,' he'd be 'washed up.'"

It's time for the Giants to get back to what they do best—running the ball first and allowing Manning to throw wobbly passes into single coverage later. Rivers will keep the Chargers close by taking advantage of the Giants' defensive backfield, which lately has shown less coverage than a fishnet bikini.

New York wins, 24-19.

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Green Bay Packers vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers Preview: "Where" Protection? (Humor)

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:37:31 -0500

With thoughts of exacting revenge on Brett Favre now retired, the Packers can set their sights on more attainable goals, like beating the Buccaneers, or snatching a wild card playoff berth. Green Bay fell 38-26 to the Vikings as Favre out-dueled his replacement, Aaron Rodgers, at Lambeau Field.

"I wanted that win badly," says Aaron Rodgers, "for my own selfish reasons. I think Favre, of all people, can respect that. But revenge will have to wait. The Vikes completed the sweep, so that ship has sailed. Luckily, there's another boat in Tampa, and like the Bucs, it's not going anywhere.

"As you know, I've been sacked 31 times this year, with almost half of those courtesy of the Vikings. I think I need to have a 'birds and the bees' talk with my offensive line and tell 'em the same thing my daddy told me: 'Where protection?'"

The Bucs and head coach Raheem Morris made a quarterback switch in their bye week, and rookie Josh Freeman will start against the Packers over Josh Johnson.

"I hear Rodgers had a street named after him in Green Bay," says Morris. "Was it a cul de sack? Anyway, Rodgers is a good role model for my young quarterbacks to follow. Despite being sacked that often, he maintains a good attitude. If you're going down that much, you've got to know how to 'pick yourself up' to remain successful."

Usually, it's quarterbacks gifting their offensive linemen with fancy watches. Not in Green Bay. Each of Rodger's offensive linemen presented their quarterback with a pocket watch, with a note wishing Rodgers luck "finding time" to throw. Rodgers throws for 225 yards and two scores, and Ryan Grant rushes for 138 yards and a touchdown. Green Bay wins, 29-13.

Ravens vs. Bengals Preview: Just Too "Tweet"

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:06:21 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Week Eight was a bye week for the Bengals. For the Bengals of old, bye weeks were always good to tie up loose legal ends, or possibly meet with the commissioner and discuss terms of suspension. Not the 2009 Bengals. Their bye week was spent on more standard endeavors, like rest, relaxation, and publicizing a new social network.

“That’s Chad Ochocinco for you,” Carson Palmer said. “You know, in times past, we’ve had trouble with players who were ‘trigger’ happy; now we’ve got one who’s ‘Twitter’ happy. The guy’s a social butterfly. If he were as ambitious on the field as he is off, he’d be as great as he already thinks he is. Chad’s taking Twitter to a new level of exposure. Call it a ‘Twitter World Order.’”

“Yeah, it’s just too ‘Tweet,’” says Ochocinco. “I’m easily the most media-savvy player the NFL has ever seen. I’m the only one who can keep pace on the information superhighway. It’s easy when you talk a mile a minute all the time.”

The Ravens busted out of a three-game losing streak in style, overwhelming the previously undefeated Broncos 30-7. Now they’re chomping at the bit to avenge Week Five’s 17-14 loss to Cincinnati in Baltimore.

“Hey, I’ve got jungle fever,” Ray Lewis said. “I guess that would explain these wild, erratic convulsions that seemingly always take place during player introductions. Me? I’m not one to connect with people online. I prefer to communicate face-to-face, and in the case of media moguls like Ochocinco, helmet-to-helmet. I’m great friends with Chad off the field, but on the field, I’d give anything for a chance to tear Ochocinco a new uno .’”

Do the Bengals get any respect? Obviously not. They’re leading the NFC North and they’re coming off a bye week, yet they’re still three-point underdogs. That can’t sit in their craws well. I’m willing to bet that Pete Rose has money on the home team. But the Ravens won’t let the North race become a two-team race between the Bengals and Steelers.

Joe Flacco throws for 234 yards and two scores, and the Ravens win 27-20. Afterward, Flacco puts his gear up for sale, with proceeds going to charity, at a local Starbuck’s, where one unwitting fan forks more than $1,200 for a “cup a Joe.”

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Steelers-Broncos: Mile "Hy-Perbole"

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:14:16 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Excitement is building for Monday night’s game in the mile high environs of Invesco Field, so much so that Monday Night Football analyst John Gruden has already started excitedly over-exaggerating various aspects of the matchup.

“Hey, they don’t call it ‘Mile Hy-perbole Stadium’ for nothing,” says a giddy Gruden. “Troy Polamalu’s hair is so luxurious, it’s been proven impenetrable by the Cleveland Browns offense. James Harrison is so strong, he can lift three Samoan nose tackles with one arm! Kyke Orton’s rebirth as the Broncos quarterback is the greatest resurrection since Jesus Christ’s. Wow! That’s exhilarating! I haven’t embellished something this much since naming Keyshawn Johnson a No. 1 receiver.”

Gruden’s unbridled excitement is such that his partners in the Monday Night Football booth, Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski, are often assigned “contain” by the show directors.

Anyway, the Broncos 30-7 loss to the Ravens raised questions about their legitimacy as an AFC power. Denver can address those questions, and silence them, with a win against the Steelers, who have won four in a row after a 1-2 start.

“Obviously, the Ravens gave Denver some looks they hadn’t seen before,” says Polamalu. “I think that look was called a ‘defense.’ Are the Broncos for real? I think you’ll see that the Broncos are a lot like questionable hot-air balloon stories—they always come back down to earth.”

“How many people have we proved wrong this year?” says Josh McDaniels. “More than Alex Trebek, my friend. Despite a loss, our philosophy will not change. Six wins is a fine accomplishment, but we’ve got so much more potential. Heck, if Travis Henry would have stopped at six, he would have only achieved half of his potential.”

Steelers win 26-16.

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NASCAR Power Rankings: Talladega

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:41:25 -0500

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson avoided disaster at Talladega, running quietly in the back of the pack for most of the race while strategizing for a strong run to the finish. As two late-race pileups picked off some of his closest pursuers, and fuel problems hampered others, Johnson coasted to a sixth-place finish, and now leads Mark Martin by 184 points.

"I guess you could say we laid 'Lowe's,'" Johnson said. "Anyway, I kind of like the view from behind."

"I admittedly didn't sleep well leading up to the race. But after those two big wrecks, you could say I slept like a champ on Sunday night."

2. Mark Martin — Martin's No. 5 Pop Tarts Chevrolet briefly went airborne in the race-ending crash in the Amp Energy 500, just seven laps after Ryan Newman went skyward and flipped numerous times. Both emerged unharmed, but Martin's already slim chances of catching Jimmie Johnson were rendered even slimmer. With three races remaining, Martin faces a 184-point deficit.

"When a Rick Hendrick's car leaves the ground," Martin said, "it's only fitting to say the same thing Jimi Hendrix would say in the same situation: 'Excuse me while I kiss the sky.'"

3. Jeff Gordon — Gordon ran out of fuel under caution three laps from the end at Talladega, but got a push from a tow truck back to the pits. After refueling, Gordon was collected in a crash on the final lap, and finished 20th when the dust had settled. He remained third in the points, but trails Jimmie Johnson by an almost insurmountable 192 points.

"Jimmie always seems to find a way to skirt disaster," says Gordon. "That reminded me of my own 'skirt disaster,' which is how I got into a failed marriage with a former Miss Winston Cup."

4. Juan Montoya — Like Jeff Gordon, Montoya ran out of fuel under caution before coasting to the pits for fuel, only to be sucked into the final lap incident. Montoya finished 19th, and with Jimmie Johnson's sixth-place result, saw his narrow Cup hopes practically vanish. Montoya is fourth in the points, 239 out of first.

"Ironically, in a gas shortage situation," Montoya said, "I actually wish I was eating a taco. I guess Bob Griese really is an astute announcer, and obviously ahead of his time."

5. Kasey Kahne — Kahne finished second in the Amp Energy 500, avoiding the accidents that cost him in the other three restrictor plate races this year. Kane moved up two spots in the Sprint Cup point standings to ninth and trails Jimmie Johnson by 414.

"Talladega races are interesting for the crashes," Kahne said, "and very little else. The race went smoothly until the end, then all hell broke loose. I was lucky to avoid those two big crashes. Usually, when I see two 'big ones,' I like to put myself right in the middle of them."

6. Kurt Busch — Busch survived an eventful day at Talladega that saw his beaten and battered No. 2 Miller Lite Chevy come home in 30th. In addition to various scrapes throughout the race, Busch was sent spinning by a bump from Brad Keselowski, contact of which triggered the second and final "Big One."

"One day, Keselowski's wrecking me," Busch said, "and the next day, he's my teammate at Penske Racing. And I thought Rusty Wallace and Ryan Newman was the most volatile set of teammates ever at Penske."

7. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin led 11 early laps at Talladega, but an expired engine on lap 138 ended his day early, sending him to the garage with a 38th-place finish. Hamlin fell two spots to 11th in the points, 448 out of first.

"Only in NASCAR can a rule change be implemented on the day of the race," Hamlin said. "I guess NASCAR felt the need to take action for whatever reason, and they certainly succeeded, because the took all the action out of Sunday's race."

8. Tony Stewart — On lap 183, Stewart's No. 14 Chevrolet was sent into the wall, clipped by teammate Ryan Newman's No. 39, which was hit by the car of Marcos Ambrose. Stewart's day ended unspectacularly, while Newman faced just the opposite, going airborne and tumbling through the infield grass.

Stewart finished 35th, suffering his first DNF of the season, and now is 279 out of first in the point standings.

"Indeed, I was having trouble staying awake during the race," Stewart said. "I told Ryan Newman to wake me when it's over, and he did, with flying colors. But it's not surprising that a race that was a 'sleeper' was won by a sleeper."

9. Carl Edwards — Edwards led two laps and finished 14th at Talladega, avoiding the two late wrecks that littered the track and scrambled several fuel strategies. Edwards is now tenth in the point standings, 437 behind Jimmie Johnson.

"Hey, congratulations are in order for Jamie McMurray," Edwards said. "Ironically, his No. 26 Ford is sponsored by Crown Royal, which is exactly what we'll be doing to Jimmie Johnson in three weeks."

10. Ryan Newman — Newman's day at Talladega ended in spectacular fashion when his No. 39 Chevrolet went airborne on lap 183 after contact with Marcos Ambrose and Tony Stewart. Thankfully, Newman was unhurt, although shaken, and finished 36th. He is eighth in the point standings, 402 out of first.

"I'm sure this isn't what NASCAR wanted to see," Newman said. "The only person they wanted to see 'tumbling' was Jimmie Johnson, preferably from his perch high above the point standings. As it is, it's not the race for the Sprint Cup that's warming up, but the fat lady, who's ready to warble the opening notes to 'Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye' as we speak."

Panthers-Cardinals: Jake Delhomme, Number of the "Least"

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:49:15 -0400

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

After a dismal three-interception, no-touchdown performance in a 20-9 loss to the Bills, it appears Jake Delhomme's days as Carolina's starter are numbered.

Delhomme has struggled all year, and his downfall seemed to begin with last year's 33-13 playoff loss to the Cardinals, a game in which Delhomme threw five picks. The Panthers travel to Arizona probably seeking mercy more so than vengeance.

"It's safe to say Jake is not the most popular player on the team right now," says John Fox. "Heck, I fear for his safety as much as I do for my job. Only in Carolina is a 'roughing the passer' penalty called on the offense ."

"Statistically, Jake's having the worst season of his career. His passer rating is a lowly 56.5. I'm not sure, but that's got to be near the bottom, if not the worst, in the league. It's not 66.6, which is the 'number of the beast.' It's much worse. It's the 'number of the least.'"

The Cards have won two-straight, and are beginning to resemble the team that nearly won the Super Bowl last year. Arizona is even 2-0 on the East Coast after failing to win there at all in last year's regular season.

"People may be surprised to hear this," says Kurt Warner, "but our rush defense is ranked No. 1 in the NFL. So Bibles aren't the only thing getting 'thumped' around here.

"It's that kind of commitment to success that keeps me around. That, and the words of the 'good book.' And by 'good book,' I don't mean an offensive playbook featuring three talented wide receivers and very little running. Anyway, you can poke fun at my religious conviction all you want, but I'm not phased. Don't hate the 'prayer,' hate the game."

Anquan Boldin is nursing an ankle injury, so look for the No. 3 wide receiver to play a larger role in the offense, a situation Matt Leinart refers to as "Breast'" enhancement.

Arizona wins, 34-13.

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Jaguars Vs. Titans Preview: Vince Young, This 'Bud's' for You

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:35:53 -0400

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

If the sight of Tennessee Head Coach Jeff Fisher in a Peyton Manning jersey has proved anything, it's that Titan attempts at humor should be best left to the field of play. Fisher is still feeling the backlash after he removed his coat and tie to reveal a No. 18 Manning jersey at a fundraiser just days after a humiliating 59-0 loss to the Patriots.

"Hey, what's the big deal?" says Fisher. "Usually, when there's a Titan around and someone starts removing clothing, people get shot. This was just harmless fun."

"What's wrong with being able to laugh at ourselves? Heck, everybody else is. In hindsight, however, I guess it wasn't a wise thing to do. I think most people are surprised that an intelligent, reserved man such as myself would pull that type of stunt. I guess even the best of us drop a 'smart bomb' on occasion."

Unlike the Titans, the Jaguars have something to play for, and that's a futile chase to catch the Colts in the AFC South race. The Jags are 3-3 and realize that losing games to winless teams will quickly undermine playoff aspirations.

"I, like many, was stunned to see Fisher in a Manning jersey," says Jack Del Rio. "But at least the sight of Fisher in a Manning jersey makes waves. That's more than you can say about the sight of Vince Young in a Titans jersey. Heck, there's no way Fisher should be fired, despite Tennessee's awful start. As a fellow coach, I don't want to see him lose his job. Especially since I might be the guy he replaces."

Titans owner Bud Adams has insisted that Young start over Kerry Collins against the Jaguars. Hey Vince, rejoice. This Bud's 'for' you.

Jacksonville wins, 30-24.

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Why a Loss to the Broncos Could End The Ravens' Season

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:28:37 -0400

With three consecutive losses, the Ravens desperately need a win to keep pace with the division-leading Bengals and Steelers, who are 5-2. A win over the Broncos will keep Baltimore hot on their tails. However, a loss means Baltimore falls below .500 for the first time this year, a scenario Ray Lewis would like to avoid.

"3-4?" quoth the Raven. "3-4? We don't want to go there. I think even the great Edgar Allan Poe would agree that that would probably result in a 'Premature Burial' of our playoff plans."

"If nothing else, though, we're playing for pride. Defensively, we're not playing up to our capabilities. We're lacking passion and fire. In keeping with the Poe theme, who was known to have a drinking problem, we're suffering from an 'absinthe' of malice."

Josh McDaniels has brought youthful exuberance to the head coaching position in Denver, and the players have quickly bought into his system. The Broncos are 6-0 and boast a three-game lead in the AFC West.

"I wear my emotions on my sleeve," says McDaniels, "whereas Mike Shanahan wore his on his face. It's no wonder Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall were 'seeing red' when I got here — they had been conditioned to do so."

"I'll put my defense up against the Ravens any day. 'The Raven' may be big in Baltimore, but 'The Hawk,' Brian Dawkins is hot in Denver. I'd like to say this is a contest between two great defenses, but I can't. Because the Ravens are playing."

Broncos win, 19-17

Dolphins-Jets Preview: "Wiener" Takes All

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:23:02 -0400

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The Jets are 4-3 after blasting the Raiders 38-0 in Oakland while forcing the benching of JaMarcus Russell.

After Mark Sanchez threw five interceptions in the Jets' loss to the Bills, New York kept the offense simple, calling a whopping 54 rushes while passing only 15 times.

"I think that's a gentle way of the offensive coordinator saying, 'We don't have faith in you,'" says Sanchez. "As opposed to the more abrupt manner of saying the same thing, which I experienced while walking along the New Jersey Turnpike, where I was nailed in the noggin with a can tossed by an obviously frustrated Jets fan, who yelled, 'Hey, think fast, Sanchez.'

"Obviously, I don't have to think fast when throwing only 15 times, nor when I'm gobbling a hot dog in the Black Hole. Already I regret doing that, but not nearly as much as I regret actually saying, 'gobbling a hot dog in the Black Hole.'"

Miami nearly pulled off an upset of the undefeated Saints last week, blowing a 24-3 lead before falling 46-34. That loss left the 'Fins with a 2-4 record, good for last in the AFC East. So Sunday's game in the Meadowlands has to be considered a must-win game.

"Before we get a nation of teeny-boppers all aflutter," says Tony Sparano, "let's just clarify this story about 'Mark Sanchez's wiener.' It's a hot dog, folks. If one New York player equates playing the Raiders to a 'scrimmage,' then it's perfectly fine for another New York player to enjoy a frank during another Oakland destruction.

"Heck, this isn't a first for a Jet quarterback. Joe Namath tried to enjoy a foot-long on the sidelines before, but Suze Kolber would have no part of it. She obviously didn't want to go 'all the way.'"

With a 31-27 loss to the Dolphins in Week Five still fresh in their minds, vengeance is in the heads of the Jets. Revenge won't come unless New York can find a solution to stopping Miami's "wildcat" offense, which baffled them earlier.

Maybe the answer is giving the Dolphins a taste of their own medicine, though. Rex Ryan may be a defensive genius, but he's got some offensive ideas up his sleeve as well, like the "public option," a variation of the wishbone that gives Sanchez four options, none involving a pass.

New York wins, 22-20.

Vikings-Packers Preview: Are You Ready for Some Gunslinging or Mudslinging?

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 10:52:41 -0400

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Brett Favre’s long-awaited homecoming in Green Bay is upon us, and it couldn’t have been scripted any better.

The Minnesota Vikings are 6-1 with the Green Bay Packers close behind at 4-2. A Packer win would forge a practical tie atop the division.

The Packers have won two straight by a combined 57-3 score, while Minnesota lost for the first time last week, falling to the Steelers 27-17 in Pittsburgh.

“This may be the most anticipated event in Green Bay since my first tearful retirement press conference,” says Favre. “This game has the potential to be a real barn-burner. Throw in some snow and Matt Hasselbeck, and you’ve got the makings of a true classic.

“I’m not sure how the fans will react to my return. I’m not expecting casserole for my homecoming. With the game taking place a day after Halloween, it’s appropriate to say my reception will be ‘Trick Or Treat.’ That’s just fine. I don’t mind Halloween-themed events, nor do my teammates, who just enjoyed a cruise on Lake Minnetonka on the SS Ghostly Tail.

“I guess I can expect somewhat of a cool reception in Green Bay. I was once considered a god there, but it seems my status as a deity is no longer. It looks as though my inability to ‘decide’ has resulted in a case of ‘deicide.’ That’s a ‘vowel movement’ this 40-year-old would rather not experience.”

Favre’s counterpart, Aaron Rodgers, was sacked eight times in the Packers' 30-23 loss in Minnesota in week four. Jared Allen recorded 4.5 of those sacks, as well as a forced fumble.

“We can’t have a repeat of the last game,” says Rodgers. “Allen is an avid outdoorsman; there’s nothing he likes more than a ‘sitting duck’ or a ‘deer in the headlights.’ After last time, I think my offensive line owes me better protection. They’re beholden to me. And if they don’t think they can stop the Vikings front four fairly, then they better 'be holdin.'”

What will there be more of when Favre comes to town: gun slinging or mud slinging? Packer head coach Mike McCarthy has stressed a Viagra theme all week to his offensive linemen, because their job is to keep Rodgers upright. Like the decision to retire, that’s easier said than done.

Vikings win 27-23 as a stunned hush falls upon the stadium—not a Lambeau “peep” to be heard.

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NASCAR Power Rankings: Martinsville

Jeffrey Boswell — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 09:47:42 -0400

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson

Johnson finished second to Denny Hamlin in the Tums QuikPak 500, as Johnson's quest for the Martinsville sweep was foiled by a determined Hamlin. Johnson didn't win the grandfather clock, but he increased his points lead over his closest pursuer from 90 to 118.

"After our duel in the spring," Johnson said, "many people wondered how I'd race Hamlin should we find ourselves in the same positions. Would I bump him out of the way like I did in March? Well, I proved that I can race fairly, as well. So my actions at Martinsville last Sunday compared to my actions there in March could be described as 'clean' and 'jerk.'"

"Now, should I eventually win the Cup, this may be the most satisfying accomplishment of my career. Why, because I'll have defeated a field including Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Kurt Busch, all former Cup champions, as well as Mark Martin, the greatest driver never to have won a Cup. To me, it's a true 'Legends of the Fall .'"

2. Juan Montoya

Montoya scored his fifth Top-Five finish in six Chase races with a third at Martinsville, leading 37 of 501 laps. He moved up one spot to fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 200.

"A lot of people though I'd be upset after a certain ABC college football announcer made an inappropriate comment on the air concerning me," Montoya said. "But hey, I love a 'Griese' taco just as much as the next stereotyped Hispanic."

3. Jeff Gordon

Gordon finished fifth at Martinsville, his day highlighted by a spirited battle with Juan Montoya early in the race in which the two made contact often. Gordon and Montoya criticized each other's driving, but later spoke personally and made amends.

"It was regrettable that Bob Griese made the 'taco' comment in regards to Montoya," Gordon said. "No driver should have to be the subject of that type of stereotypical put-down. That's why I felt awful after Montoya hit me the first time and I said to my crew, 'That's one 'X' against him; 'Dos Equis' more, and that's strike three."

4. Mark Martin

Martin came home eighth at Martinsville, a solid finish, yet one that caused him to lose even more ground to Jimmie Johnson, who finished second. Martin trails Johnson by 118 points with four races remaining.

"I've got an average finish of 6.5 in Chase races," Martin said, "but I still find myself trailing Jimmie Johnson. I may be over the 'hill,' yet I still can't seem to get over the 'hump.'"

5. Denny Hamlin

Hamlin led the final 138 laps at Martinsville, and held off Jimmie Johnson on three late restarts to win the Tums QuikPak 500. Hamlin avenged a loss to Johnson in Martinsville's spring race, when Johnson bullied Hamlin out of the lead with 15 laps to go.

"Now I'm the holder of the coveted grandfather clock," Hamlin said. "It still means a lot to me, despite the fact that I'm 352 out of first and have virtually no chance at winning the Cup. I guess that's why the clock keeps striking midnight."

6. Tony Stewart

Stewart finished ninth at Martinsville, his 22nd Top-10 of the year, for a solid result that could have been better, had some breaks gone his way. Stewart stayed out on a late caution while others took fresh tires, allowing them to overtake the No. 14 Old Spice Chevy in the closing laps. Stewart remained fourth in the point standings, and is 192 out of first.

"Burger King's 'The Truth About Tony' proved that I do, in fact, love a Whopper," Stewart said. "Ask me again at Talladega and I'll say the same — I love a whopper, or, more specifically, the 'Big One,' preferably one that involves Jimmie Johnson."

"We know fans wish for huge crashes all the time. Now drivers are hoping for the same."

7. Kurt Busch

Busch qualified 37th and finished 17th at Martinsville, handicapped by a poor pit stall location and an ill-handling car. He fell one spot in the point standings to sixth, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 240.

"With four races remaining," Busch said, "I'm not sure anyone can catch Jimmie Johnson even if he's wrecked at Talladega. Honestly, I think the No. 48 Lowe's team already has the champagne on ice. With that being the case, I'm sure Jimmie will enjoy the champagne, while me and 10 other drivers will have to settle for a coffee drink known as 'Too Little, Too Latté.'"

8. Ryan Newman

Newman won the pole at Martinsville and led 23 laps on his way to a seventh-place finish. He improved one place to seventh in the point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 312.

"How do I know the Chase is practically over?" Newman asked. "Here's why: the only feud we're discussing is not one involving Jimmie Johnson. It's the Juan Montoya/Bob Griese feud. I think it was wise for Griese to apologize; I think it would be even wiser if Taco Bell started an ad campaign featuring Montoya and Griese debating the merits of tacos."

9. Carl Edwards

Edwards was running 12th on the final lap at Martinsville, but a broken driveshaft sent him into the wall and back through the field for a 20th-place finish. Edwards is 10th in the points, 413 out of first.

"This has been a season I'd rather not remember," Edwards said. "Thanks to a condition known as selective amnesia, I've already forgotten about most of it. The rest? I'm counting on a freak Frisbee accident to cause a head injury which will hopefully erase the rest of my memory."

10. Greg Biffle

Biffle posted a disappointing 25th in the Tums QuikPak 500, his aspirations compromised by two rained out qualifying sessions that left the setup of the No. 16 3M Ford mostly guesswork. Biffle fell one spot to eighth in the point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 350.

"Lack of practice time certainly limited our preparation," Biffle said. "After that, we just had no success getting up to speed. Afterwards, however, I had no trouble getting 'down' to speed. That is, 'getting down' to Speed TV studios in Charlotte."

Falcons Vs Cowboys Preview: "Brand" Spanking

Jeffrey Boswell — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 11:05:31 -0400

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

A week after playing in the spotlight of NBC's Sunday night game, Matt Ryan and the hot Falcons face something even more daunting— playing under the massive video board above the playing field in Dallas Stadium. While the Cowboys themselves don't necessarily intimidate, the video screen casts a long shadow, much like the five Lombardi Trophies do on the legacy of Tony Romo.

"There is no doubt a lot of history with the Cowboys," says Ryan. "The Cowboy franchise is the most-valued in the league, and the Dallas 'star' is emblematic of excellence in the NFL. That's why a win at Dallas would mean so much to me. It would be a defining victory, as well as a 'brand' spanking."

The Cowboys bye week has already been a success, what with the three NFC East counterparts all losing. Dallas is 3-2, tied with the Eagles for second and trailing the Giants by a game.

"See, good things are just as likely to happen to us when we don't play than when we do ," says Jerry Jones. "I guess I have to credit that to coach Wade Phillips. That's why I'll use this opportunity to reiterate that Phillips' job is safe for this year. Only in Dallas does the owner feel compelled to address the coach's future after a win ."

Dallas victories are a lot like Travis Henry's children—you have to question their legitimacy. Tampa Bay, Carolina, and Kansas City are a combined 3-14, and they were all winless when the Cowboys beat them.

Atlanta wins, 30-23.

49ers vs. Texans Preview: Crabtree Debuts Minus Bail Bondsman

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:39:40 -0400

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The 49ers, coming off a bye, have had an extra week to examine Week Five's 45-10 loss to the Falcons. Head coach Mike Singletary sternly reminded his team of the importance of not looking ahead and focusing on the task at hand before savoring the benefits.

"It was our bye week," says Singletary, "but you could also call it a 'Bly' week. Dre has been the 'butt' of more jokes than Beyonce.

"I think Dre knows by now that he's best off not trying to imitate Deion Sanders on the field. Dre'd be better served imitating Deion off the field, of which the best way is to put on his Sunday's finest and conduct some questionable business with some shady NFL agents. Then have non-football fans guess whether you're a preacher or a pimp.

"As you know, Michael Crabtree will be starting at wide receiver. Some may think we're rushing him, but I think he's ready enough. I'd say he's about 90 perceny prepared. Toss in 10 percent from a bail bondsman, and he's totally prepared to start."

The Texans are 3-3 and are one of those Forrest Gump "box of chocolates" teams, because you never know what you're going to get. One week, the Texans look great, as they did last week in a 28-17 win in Cincinnati. Another week, they'll look awful, as they did in a 24-7 loss to the Jets in Week One. With the Colts not yet showing signs of a late-season swoon, it's imperative that the "good" Texans show up each Sunday.

"Hey, you're winsome ," says Matt Schaub, "and you lose some. I know, watching us play is a lot like watching a tennis match. And, when Mario Williams accosts a diminutive Asian line judge, it's even more like watching a tennis match."

Houston wins, 24-20.

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Chargers vs. Chiefs Preview: Can Kansas City "Soft Serve" San Diego?

Jeffrey Boswell — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:07:45 -0400

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Two weeks ago, Chargers general manager A.J. Smith called his team "soft," a statement that served as both a challenge and an accusation. In Monday night's 34-23 loss to AFC West rival Denver, San Diego did nothing to prove Smith wrong.

The Broncos are still undefeated and the Chargers, at 2-3, face a steep, uphill climb to get back into the division race.

"Hey, somebody had to have the 'Norv' to call this team out," says Smith. "We were atrocious in all phases of the game, including special teams. They say lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place, but apparently Eddie Royal does.

"Anyway, there's no point crying over spilled milk now. Why? Because the Chargers are crying over another dairy product, ice cream, because they got 'soft-served' by the Broncos."

The 1-5 Chiefs are as hot as a 1-5 team can be after Indian-giving the Redskins a 14-6 loss that not only sent scalps flying, but will also likely send heads rolling in Washington. A win over the Chargers would likely have a similar effect in San Diego.

"Hey, we're used to the play in Kansas City getting Chiefs coaches fired," says Larry Johnson, "but now it's resulting in opposing coaches getting fired. I guess turnabout is fair play."

The Chargers troubles start with their lines—offensively, they're not protecting Philip Rivers. Defensively, there's no pressure on the opposing quarterback. The only person linebacker Shawne Merriman has roughed up this year is Tila Tequila. With their season fading fast, there's probably only one word Turner can say to encourage his team to play hard for the remainder of the year. That word? "Pride?" No, "wild card."

San Diego wins, 23-19.