Bleacher Report - Articles by Jim Cantrell

Brownie Points: Browns' Special Teams Might Be Very Special This Season

Jim Cantrell — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 11:05:27 -0400

The Cleveland Browns are heading in the right direction.

In their third preseason game, the Browns beat the Tennessee Titans 23-17 on a night in Cleveland Browns Stadium that was windier than the restrooms in a Chipotle restaurant. Flags whipped, jerseys shimmied, and loose napkins flew across the field for much of the game.

But even in the poor weather conditions, the offense behind both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson was solid. Quinn went 11 of 15 for 128 yards, including a nifty 20-yard touchdown pass to Braylon Edwards in the third quarter. Anderson went 7-of-11 for 77 yards. More importantly for Derek, he had no interceptions. The QB controversy rages on.

Braylon Edwards had a very nice game, as well. Besides catching the touchdown pass, he seemed more focused against the Titans than he was all of last season. Edwards' most eye-popping play of the game was one that didn't show up in the stats. Running full speed and leaping, the muscled receiver made an incredible one-handed grab that was negated only when he was unable to get a second foot in bounds.

The Browns also may have caught lightning in a bottle with new recruit James Davis. The shifty back was a real spark on offense, carrying the ball five times for 28 yards. If the quick-footed rookie can learn to hit the hole decisively and quickly, he could be a very pleasant surprise for everyone on the team but aging veteran Jamal Lewis.

The defense showed some encouraging signs of improvement, also. Though the unit had some lapses which triggered blown assignments, against a very good offense they held their own and made some spectacular plays in the process.

At the end of the first half, Vince Young was behind center for the Titans and had his team on the Browns' goal line with the chance to score. When the passing play broke down, Young tried to relive his college days and run the ball to pay-dirt himself. But the Dawgs tangled with Young before he could cross the stripe, and when the dust had settled, the pigskin was in the Browns possession with one tick left on the clock.

In the third quarter, Young returned. Backed up near his own end-zone, he again felt the defensive pressure on a broken pass play. Throwing off his back foot, he sailed a "happy birthday" ball into the grasp of an astonished Alex Hall who trotted the few yards to the end-zone for a quick pick-six. The score at that point was Browns-20, Titans-3.

But perhaps the strongest unit on the team was special teams.

Josh Cribbs continues to play with anger, as he is in the midst of a contract dispute with the team. Signed for four more years but believing he deserves a boost in salary, the kick returner has played some of his best football this preseason. It has become a cliche to say that Cribbs is a threat to go to the house every time he touches the ball.

Cribbs has also turned heads as a wide receiver this preseason. As recently as last week, Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Bill Livingston was on WKNR sports talk radio telling the fans that the Browns coaching staff thought Cribbs was still having trouble identifying schemes and separating at the line of scrimmage.

But against the Titans, he looked like a seasoned veteran, and an All Pro at that. Owner Randy Lerner might want to find his wallet. Cribbs' outstanding play may force him to crack it open.

Another veteran specialist, Phil Dawson held a clinic on how to kick through the teeth of a Lake Erie gale. Against the Titans, he kicked two extra points and three field goals, his longest an oxbow 37-yarder in the third quarter. No one kicks better in the confines of Cleveland Browns Stadium than the little Texan with the big leg.

Other special teams highlights included Brandon McDonald recovering a blocked field goal, and a forced fumble against the Titans' Mark Jones who couldn't control a catch and was rudely dismissed from the field without the ball.

Mr. Rogers Not In Neighborhood

Shaun Rogers was once again a no show for the Titans game. Head Coach Eric Mangini and his staff have remained mum on the subject and speculation still abounds that there is more to his absence than a minor ailment.

A war of wills seems to be playing out behind the scenes in Berea, where Rogers has worn a mote into the edge of the field from running (trotting?) his punishment laps.

Here's hoping this "urination tournament" is settled before Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings' offensive line come to town.

Brian Brennan Meet Brian Brennan

Before the preseason game with the Tennessee Titans, the Browns hosted U.S. Army 1st LT. Brian Brennan, a soldier who was severely injured on May 7, 2008 from an IED attack, while leading a patrol in Afghanistan. Among the multiple injuries suffered that day, Brian lost both legs.

Former Cleveland Brown Brian Brennan, who is not related to the Brennan family, found out about Lt. Brennan's story and that the soldier was indeed named after the former Browns wideout by his father. The two men have since formed a bond which they detailed during an interview before the television broadcast of the game.

Cleveland Browns players were impressed with Lt. Brennan's bravery and courage.

Cleveland Browns fans are, too. Thank you, Lt. Brian Brennan.

Brownie Points: What It Means to Be a Cleveland Brown

Jim Cantrell — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 16:05:40 -0400

We are Cleveland Browns fans.

We have missed family reunions and cut vacations short just to watch our team play on Sunday afternoons.

We have suffered through the snarky comments of co-workers and the condescension of wagon-jumping fans of every stripe.

We have vehemently attacked the team on local sports talk radio shows for being incompetent and disorganized, while defending them on national shows from outsiders who say the same thing.

To each other, we say we're used to the the losing.

But we're not.

To ourselves, we say we no longer care if the team wins.

But we do.

We get frustrated when players who are supposed to represent us don't seem to get it, and when they seem more interested in inflating their egos or pointing their fingers.

We want to yell at them, to tell them to play like a Brown, and to tell them that it should mean something when they put on that orange helmet and those brown jerseys.

Because it means something to us.

We want to tell them to play like Otto Graham and Brian Sipe and Bernie Kosar— guys who won because they were not afraid to lose.

We want to beg them to emulate the toughness of Jim Brown, who would rather take a hit than step out of bounds.

We want them to feel as much passion towards the city their team is named for as that city feels for them.

We want them to hate the Bengals.

We want them to hate the Ravens.

We want them to hate the Steelers.

We want them to know that when you're a Cleveland Brown, it's not enough to give less than your all. It's not enough for the fans that have defended you, it's not enough for the city that supports you, and it's not enough for the memory of all the players that have gone before you.

We want them to know that we are proud of this team, even when it lets us down.

That we are grateful for every great play and great player.

That we are ready for a champion.

And that we are patient.

Because we are Cleveland Browns fans— and we would not choose to be anything else.

Fantasy Football Is Killing My Grass

Jim Cantrell — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 00:20:46 -0400

It's true.

Everywhere I look, I see FANTASY FOOTBALL magazines and FANTASY FOOTBALL newspapers and FANTASY FOOTBALL websites and FANTASY FOOTBALL hula lessons and FANTASY FOOTBALL hamster food and FANTASY FOOTBALL full-figured under-wire support. (Okay, that's a joke. I obviously don't read newspapers.)

And because I'm addicted to fantasy football, I have to read all of it. I memorize names. And rankings. And depth charts.

And sometimes nibble the pages.

And I do all this while my grass whithers in the hot sun and turns brown because I cannot be bothered to water it or cut it or spray paint it green like the crazy neighbor two doors down with the black-light posters for drapery and the lawn sculpture made out of Spam.

But today, I have decided to change all that. And I am willing to help you do the same.

So if you have ever battled the urge to yell GREG OLSEN at the top of your lungs while your carpool driver waits for his cappuccino at the drive-thru window of Dunkin' Donuts, or have etched the initials "L.T." into the enamel of your teeth with the blunt end of a plastic Red Lobster toothpick, then I beg you to try these five sure-fire ways that are guaranteed to break your fantasy-football addiction and help you get on with your life.

1. Let your wife draft your fantasy-football team.

She hates football. She hates you watching football. She's tired of wearing the NFL cheerleader outfit on Friday nights and has asked you before to stop touching her pom poms.

Do you really think any players your wife picks are going to be worth watching?

The answer is yes.

Make her do it blind-folded.

2. Burn yourself with a cigarette every time your fantasy team scores.

This is not too hard if you have a crappy fantasy-football team, but if your team's decent, you may need more cigarettes.

Get the kids to smoke a pack or two to help you out.

3. Force yourself to write a transcript for every second of every NFL game you watch.

Don't watch any Randy Cross games.

Just saying.

4. For every minute you spend working on your roster, spend two less on personal hygiene.

It will be very difficult to set lineups when the fumes from your person are making your eyes water and you can't move your arms without breaking off pieces of your shirt.

Not recommended for hookers or dentists.

5. Play fantasy-football the exact same way you always do.

Draft great players. Watch them get hurt. Fall out of the playoff hunt by game seven. Get razzed for losing by 43 points to the worst team in the league. Offer to trade Tom Brady and Marques Colston to the second best team in the league for Seneca Wallace and a juice box. Get a flame-war started. Get threatening emails from the commissioner. Respond with a profanity-laced shot-gun email to every other owner. Get voted out of league.

Cut grass.

NFL to Institute "Random Suspension Policy" to Save Time (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:00:22 -0400

In light of the record number of suspensions handed out by the National Football League’s Commissioner’s office this offseason, Roger Goodell has announced that the NFL will begin randomly suspending its players in an effort to save time.

“The Office of the Commissioner of the NFL,” said Goodell while reading from a statement, “cannot be expected to stop the important work of extorting NFL communities, overseeing the sales of overpriced merchandise, and rehashing tired programming for early-hour broadcasts of the NFL Network every time a player kills a dog or shoots himself.”

“Furthermore,” Goodell went on, “our internal studies have shown that 98% of all NFL players are doing something illegal, immoral, or improper.”

“Therefore,” the Commissioner concluded, “from this day forward, the NFL will begin randomly suspending players for no apparent reason. We believe that this policy constitutes the most efficient and fair way to improve the quality of our league.”

“And it should free up some needed calendar space.”

Reached by phone, Executive Director of the NFL Players Association, DeMaurice Smith, was frank in his assessment of the NFL’s stance.

“I have already promised my constituents that the NFLPA would be the first to bring forward any prevalent facts and figures that would prevent this type of over-reaching, over-simplified approach to problem solving by the Commissioner’s Office,” said the stunned union chief.

“But unfortunately, in this case…well, we’ve got nothing.”

Amid the controversy, at least one NFL player agreed with the league’s new policy.

“Yeah, I think random suspensions are a good idea,” said a dreadlocked, six-foot, 200 pound Cleveland Browns wide receiver on condition of anonymity.

“Maybe if the Commissioner wasn’t doling out suspensions on a case by case basis all the time, I would still be playing football, instead of being suspended a whole season for vehicular manslaughter.”

“Why do the guys who don’t kill pedestrians with their cars always get off so easy?”

At the conclusion of the press conference, the full written text was made available to the press.

Besides the portions that were read by the Commissioner, the statement also included pleas to the Las Vegas gaming commission to refrain from placing odds on player suspensions, an announcement that the merchandising arm of the NFL was introducing an officially licensed electronic ankle bracelet, and that NFL referees would be armed with taser guns during games.

NFL Hall Of Fame Game to Exclude Actual Hall-Of-Famers...Again (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 20:22:25 -0400

Where, I ask, is the outrage?

For more years than this reporter is willing to count (let's say six) the "Nefarious Football League" has celebrated the unofficial opening of its season by hosting what it misleadingly calls the "Hall of Fame" game.

Hah!

And I like to "read" Bleacher Report's "Guilty Pleasures" articles!

It's a sham!

Why?

Because A); the game is not played in the actual Hall of Fame building!

And because, letter after A); the game is not played by actual Hall-of-Famers!

Okay, I can understand if the Pro Football Hall of Fame's management does not want a bunch of beefy, sweaty, uncouth men running around their sacred halls like college freshman on their first pantie raid. But let's face it, reporters are going to do that whether the game is held inside or not.

And I can also understand that many of the NFL's Hall-of-Famers are either really old, really deceased, or Al Davis.

But I ask you sincerely, could watching those decrepit gentlemen be any worse than the mechanical-pencil-jabbed-in-the-eye sight of Lavelle Hawkins dropping a four-yard out that was shot-putted to him by Patrick Ramsey with nine minutes to go...IN THE FIRST HALF?

Of course, playing fast and loose with semantics is nothing new for this band of "Goodell-two-shoes."

It is the same league that pays millions of dollars for FREE agents. And I can bet you will not find a single tent at your favorite team's training CAMP.

It's ridiculous.

The main complaint this reporter has is not that the surly kid behind the counter at Starbucks is always whispering about me under his breath because I have a hard time pronouncing the word "espresso."

Rather, it is that, by naming this glorified scrimmage the "Hall of Fame" game, the league is being purposely deceitful to its fans. That is why, in the interest of honesty, I would like to suggest a completely new name for next year's event:

"The Bunch of Guys You Don't Know and Who Won't Make the Team Playing in a Meaningless Scrimmage Game."

Either that, or "Crap With Commercials."

Rock Announces Retirement; Paper, Scissors Stunned

Jim Cantrell — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 11:12:50 -0400

The way the world chooses who goes first in games of H-O-R-S-E, who takes out the garbage, and who is in charge of the remote control, just got a little more complicated today.

Rock, perhaps the most recognized figure in the "Rock, Paper, Scissors" trio, announced his retirement at an informal event held at the local schoolyard late Saturday afternoon.

"I would like to first and foremost thank the kids," said a visibly shaken fist as he read from a prepared speech. "I know there are many other ways to choose captains for kickball. But you never wavered in your support. You stuck by us and for that I'm very grateful."

But it was Rock's closing remarks that most in attendance found especially touching:

"To my associates Paper and Scissors, what can I say? Thanks for the great run. No one covers and cuts like you guys. I wish you both the best of luck, and I sincerely apologize for any smashes that may have caused you pain."

With that, the iconic symbol was led off of the podium by family friend and Scissors' cousin, the Peace Sign.

As is often the case, rivals in the world of choosing were giddy at the news and were quick to point out their former foe's shortcomings.

"Well, the guy was definitely a handful," said One Potato, reached by phone while washing clothes with someone's mother. "But he's still the cheapest s.o.b. I've ever known."

"In fact, I can't think of anyone as tightfisted as Rock."

"Well, he knew how to crush stuff," added Odds, from the team of Odds and Evens; possibly Rock, Paper and Scissors' biggest competitors. "But unlike Evens and me, he didn't have any work ethic at all."

"I don't mean to point the finger," agreed partner Evens. "But Rock never knuckled down. Everything was just handed to him."

Still stunned from the announcement, life-long pal Paper nevertheless came to Rock's defense.

"Sure, I may have covered up for Rock a few times," he said while standing next to his friend. "But I'm telling you, he has always been there for me. Always steady. Always strong."

"He is like...like a...he's like a...oh, what's the word?"

Scissors, while stepping in to comfort her friend Paper, was quick to agree.

"It's true. Rock really knows how to squeeze the most out of life. He just knows how to hold it all together."

The three friends then said their own personal good-byes away from the microphones and cameras. But before leaving, one last question was shouted to the retiring luminary.

"Hey Rock, what's next?"

The answer was instantaneous.

"I'm going to finally return some phone calls and emails," Rock said. "Starting with the Minnesota Vikings."

"I'm curious to find out what they could possibly want."

Coach Eric Mangini Believes Browns Have A Chance To Be Mediocre (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 21:53:46 -0400

The bar has been raised and the gauntlet has been thrown.

Speaking at a log-rolling and pancake-eating festival in Northern Ohio earlier this week, Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini let it slip that he thinks the progress his new team is making this offseason could pay big dividends this year.

"I know the fans may find this hard to believe," said Mangini while wiping syrup from his chin with a hatchet. "But I really think that with all the hard work we've been putting in, and all the talent we've assembled on this team, the Cleveland Browns have a real chance of being mediocre this season."

"Maybe even very mediocre."

When told of his new coach's comments, wide receiver Braylon Edwards dropped his jaw. And his car keys. And a small child he'd been carrying.

Defensive back Brodney Pool, meanwhile, agreed with his coach.

"All I can say," the defensive back said when replying to the news, "Is that I've been very mediocre for a very long time now."

"I'm just glad someone's finally noticing."

Quarterback Brady Quinn, however, seemed to be less enthusiastic about Mangini's comments.

"You know, I appreciate the coach trying to build up a little morale and get the team excited for the season and all, but seriously...I'm still the quarterback, right?"

Most fans were skeptical of the mediocre tag, as well.

"Sure, the Browns always look mediocre on paper," said Linus Steigenwhaller , a long-time fan from Canton. "But everyone knows they don't play on paper. They play on something other than paper."

"Of course, I'm not sure what that something else is, because actually watching the games causes me to vomit."

Reached later at a puppet and pierogi festival in Parma, the visibly frustrated coach was still standing by his comments.

"I realize that I'm the new guy in town," said Mangini as he wiped a dollop of sour cream off his ear with a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. "But I meant what I said when I said it before; the Cleveland Browns are going to be a very, very mediocre team this year. You can absolutely bank on it."

"Unless, of course, we suck."

"Then all bets are off."

Baltimore Raven Ray Lewis Concerned No One Is Feeling Him (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 20:56:30 -0400

Only a few short weeks before the Baltimore Ravens open their training camp for the 2009 season, All-Pro linebacker Ray Lewis has gone on record as saying he has serious doubts that anyone on the team is feeling him.

"Nobody, man," said the perennial Pro Bowler to a Baltimore radio show host when asked who he thought might be feeling him. "Usually by this time of year, everybody's feeling Ray, you know what I'm saying? It's time to crank it up, you know what I mean?"

"But so far, I got nothing. Nobody's feeling me, man."

"Nobody."

When asked why he thought that was, Lewis was introspective.

"I don't know, man. These young guys ... Shoot, when I was a young player in this league, I couldn't wait to be feeling some of the older guys. I felt Rod Woodson. I felt Bennie Thompson. Hell, I even felt Dilfer once or twice."

"But these new guys, they don't care about feeling the veterans who ask them if they're being felt."

"It's just a shame."

Second-year quarterback Joe Flacco seemed to take Lewis' comments in stride.

"Look, I'm feeling Ray, and I'm sure most of the team is feeling him, as well. But I just think it's too early to worry about who's feeling who right now."

"It's a long season, and quite frankly, there will be plenty of time to feel each other as the year goes on."

Ravens General Manager Ozzie Newsome seemed to put it all in perspective.

"Ray's always been eager to get felt. It's one of the things that makes him such a fierce competitor, and one of the reasons why he's been a leader on our team."

"But no matter what else you hear, I can tell you this for a fact: Whether it's on the practice field, during the game, or in the showers after the game, there is not one player in this league who wants to be felt more than Ray Lewis."

Dallas QB Tony Romo Calls Giant RB Brandon Jacobs A Poopyhead (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 18:09:32 -0400

Just days after New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs told an interviewer that Tony Romo was "not that good" and that "he's not that effective," the Cowboy signal caller retaliated by referring to Jacobs as a "poopyhead" and a "big fat underwear breath" on Romo's Facebook page.

"It's not just me saying it, either," said Romo in follow up comments on his bi-weekly blog. "Everybody in the NFL knows it."

When alerted to the comments while at a Slip-n-Slide party with some of his friends, Jacobs tweeted his fan base that Romo was a "smelly arm-pit" and that the Dallas captain could "go eat worms with the girls" for all Jacobs cared.

Romo, who in turn found out about his rivals' responses through a phone call from his girlfriend Jessica, sent a text message to his whole circle that stated "BJ 182 GTH."

The incident almost reached climactic proportions when friends of Jacobs ran into friends of Romo at a White Castle Restaurant and told them that Jacobs wanted to fight Romo. But NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who happened to be treating some of the league's rookies to a bag of sliders, overheard the conversation and called the parents of both players.

As of this writing, Jacobs has been grounded from television for two weeks and will have to miss a scheduled trip to Fun 'N' Stuff, while Romo will not be permitted to see his girlfriend for a week and will have his chores doubled for another two.

Neither party could be reached for comment, as they were both sulking on the beds in their rooms.

Brett Favre Vs. Tarvaris Jackson: Do the Math (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 13:34:17 -0400

The Minnesota Vikings have been in talks with Brett Favre, former Green Bay Packers and New York Jets quarterback, to take over the reigns of their offense. But the question remains: Would the 38-year-old gunslinger really be an improvement over current QB Tarvaris Jackson?

As any student of the game will tell you, there is only one plausible way to find out.

Do the math.

So, let's get to it.

1. Brett Favre will be going to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Tarvaris Jackson has been to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

+1 Jackson

2. Tarvaris Jackson is a person of color. He is African-American.

Brett Favre is also a person of color. He is a redneck.

+1 Jackson

3. Brett Favre has an "R" in his name that should come before the "V".

Tarvaris Jackson has an "R" in his name that should NOT come before the "V".

+1 Favre

4. Tarvaris Jackson enjoys the affections of many attractive young ladies.

Brett Favre enjoys the affections of retired sportscaster John Madden.

+1 Jackson

5. Brett Favre has played his whole pro career without a small intestine.

Tarvaris Jackson has played his whole pro career without a spine.

+1 Favre

6. Tarvaris Jackson has been hated by Green Bay Packers fans for two years.

Brett Favre: ditto.

+1 Favre

7. Brett Favre once had a role in a movie featuring the nutty Cameron Diaz.

Tarvaris Jackson once had a roll in a coffee shop featuring a nutty maple icing.

+1 Favre

8. Tarvaris Jackson has trouble reading defenses and sometimes throws into triple

coverage.

Brett Favre has no trouble reading defenses and sometimes throws into triple

coverage.

+1 Jackson

So there you have it. The numbers do not lie.

If you add it all up, you can come to only one conclusion. There is only one person perfectly suited to be the Minnesota Vikings quarterback for the upcoming 2009 season.

And that person is Sage Rosenfels.

Cleveland Indians Baseball: "Your Slogan Here"

Jim Cantrell — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 11:34:58 -0400

The Cleveland Indians, a team that entered this season with high hopes and lofty expectations, now at the All-Star Break find themselves the laughing stock of the entire league.

But as a Tribe fan myself, I can say with confidence that this season can still be saved.

No, the team won't be trading for any good players, or firing the inept manager, or taking a look at the troubled farm system, or spending more money, or generally doing anything that would actually help the club win.

But they could get a new slogan!

Having ridden the "Indians Fever: Catch It" train for years, and abandoning the "It's Tribe Time Now" catch-phrase after just a season or two, fans are clamoring for a change.

And much like the Indians' basketball brethren next door, the Cavs, who rode their "One Goal" rallying cry deep into the playoffs, I believe a new slogan is just what the Tribe needs to boost morale and get the team into the post-season once again.

So without further ado, here are some sparkly new catch-phrases for the Cleveland Indians front office to consider:

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: Losing Is The New Winning!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: Strong Enough For A Man, But Made For A Woman!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: Irritating Northern Ohioans For Over One Hundred Years!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: The Real Reason The French Hate Us!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: This Will Only Sting A Minute!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: We're Not The Browns!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: Because There's Nothing Else On!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: Who Needs All-Stars? We've Got Pudding!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: We Dare You To Watch!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: Now Gluten Free!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: Who Do We Think We're Fooling!"

"Cleveland Indians Baseball: Free Colonoscopy With Every Purchase!"

And finally, "Cleveland Indians Baseball: If It's So Easy, Then Let's See You Try It!"

A difficult choice, I know.

And even though a slogan may seem like an insignificant worry to some fans in the midst of this lost season, if there's one thing the Tribe front office has shown over and over in recent years, it's that there is no decision too large or too small for them to screw up.

Because when it comes to Cleveland Indians Baseball: Frankly, They Don't Know What The Heck They're Doing.

Fantasy Football: Dude, Your Kicker Sucks

Jim Cantrell — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 21:10:00 -0400

Well, I hope you're happy, Frank. Taking a kicker in the last round...

What are you, lobotomized?

I mean, did you really think you were gonna get a Hartley or an Elam in round 15? Yeah, and I'm Tom Brady's butt chin.

Don't look at me like that, Frank! You know I'm right. I am clearly not Tom Brady's butt chin!

And your draft strategy makes less sense than an episode of Harper's Island.

Every year you burp up the same brain-dead burrito. You wait and you wait until you're stuck taking some nobody like Phil Dawson or Dan Carpenter in the last round.

These guys aren't stars, Frank. They're barely people!

But look at my draft.

Sure, some of the other owners might think that I reached a little when I took Gostkowski in the second round. But dude, HE HAD 148 POINTS LAST SEASON!

That's ridiculous! It's like a party in the girls' shower. And the girls are still there!

I mean, do you know how many points that is per game?

A lot, that's how many!

And how are you gonna feel, Frank, when you need six points from your "come-practice-the-Heimlich-on-me" kicker and you're rooting for Phil Dawson against the Steelers, huh?

I'll tell you how you're gonna feel.

You're gonna feel like you should have passed on Slaton or McNabb or Jacobs or Boldin or Welker or Bowe or Gates or Cutler, and maybe used your brain and taken a placekicker instead.

Seriously, Frank. You never learn.

It's really a miracle how you beat me every year.

Female Cleveland Indians Fans to Tribe Brass: Sizemore Matters (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:10:44 -0400

This article is rated PG-13 by the author for minor innuendo and major stupidity.

In the midst of another daunting baseball season, the Cleveland Indians find themselves in a familiar place this July.

Dead last.

But unlike most years, this time the Tribe's female fans are not taking it lying down. Should the Tribe choose to "rebuild" this season, many women are making it clear that their favorite player, Grady Sizemore, should be excluded from any future trade talks.

"I'm tired of hearing from the men in the front office that all we need is a 'steady hand in the dugout' and 'some rhythm in the rotation,'" said a red-faced Linda from Avon Lake.

"The men may not think so, but Sizemore matters."

"All I know," agreed Betsy from Willoughby, "is that when you need someone to round third and head for home, Sizemore matters a lot!"

Even Tribe skipper Eric Wedge has become an object of the wrath from these women scorned.

"At least Grady will stand up to the manager when he's wrong," said Liz from Parma Heights.

"In fact, when Sizemore gets into Wedge, I sometimes feel like I'm going to lose my breath and I have to yell 'Oh yes, Grady!' just to keep from passing out."

Although Sizemore has had a pretty decent season, there have been whispers about his lack of walks.

"Listen," said Veronica from Brookpark. "I'm not that concerned with balls."

Judith from Shaker Heights pretty well summed up the feelings of most female Tribe fans concerning their favorite outfielder.

"Everyone knows that for the girls, it's not about getting to first base," said the red, white, and blue clad fan. "What we really want is a grand-slam."

"Of course, I'd settle for a head-first slide into home."

Fantasy Football: Good Advice You Should Ignore

Jim Cantrell — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 21:46:36 -0400

In every field, in every walk of life, there will always be someone who claims to know more about a subject than you do.

We call these people "butt-holes."

But sometimes, when these snooty busy-bodies repeat themselves and each other long enough, the opinions they espouse become part of the mainstream, which explains how we got the WNBA and fat-free mayonnaise, two things that no one really likes.

It also explains why so much bad advice about fantasy football is taken as fact by so many owners, and why unconventional wisdom is the secret path to a championship.

Here are some basic principles that are continually written about as facts that you should either tweak or ignore. (Sort of like the flashing "Check Engine Soon" light on the dashboard of your Mother's Saturn.)

Always be sure to "handcuff" your stud RB1

This chestnut gets rolled out every year before draft day, and to be fair, in many cases it's sound advice.

If you've drafted Marshawn Lynch, a player who is looking at a three game suspension to begin the season and is not guaranteed a starting job following his return, then it would be wise to use a mid- to late-round pick on his (above average) back-up Fred Jackson.

The same goes for tandems like LaDainian Tomlinson/Darren Sproles, Clinton Portis/Ladell Betts, and maybe even Brian Westbrook/LeSean McCoy. These pairings include older, banged-up feature backs who are backed up by a clear-cut and capable replacement.

But how many owners last year used a pick on a so-so player such as Kevin Jones (Bears) or a situational back such as Ahmad Bradshaw (Giants), when in the same round they could've taken a player with more upside, like Steve Slaton (2008 ADP of 142), Chris Johnson (2008 ADP of 101) or even surprise stud DeAngelo Williams (2008 ADP of 91)?

The point is, even a good running back handcuff is a lot like Preparation H. It's something you keep around with the hope that you never actually have to use it.

Never reach for a player

Why the hell not?

Of course, I'm not talking about drafting Dallas Clark in the first round. But what if you really want Brandon Jacobs on your team and you're drafting third in the first round? Most articles I've read don't have Jacobs listed as a top-tier back this year, and many don't consider him a first rounder.

But let's face it, if you're in a serpentine draft (as you should be if your commissioner knows what he's doing), chances are good that Jacobs won't be there when your turn comes back around.

Should you really feel obligated to take whoever remains from the Adrian Peterson/Michael Turner/Maurice Jones-Drew consensus-topside-trio?

I say no!

It's your team, take the guy you want!

There are no sure things in the NFL, or in fantasy football. Last year's MVP could be this years scrap heap fodder. ("Paging Mr. Alexander. Mr. Shaun Alexander.") If you're going to live and die with this pretend team of yours for the next four months, shouldn't it be full of guys you like?

And isn't it sweeter beating the naysayers with the same players you got razzed for picking?

Never draft players that are the sole focus of their team's offense, but always draft players that are the sole focus of their team's offense

Huh?

I'm sure you've read different variations of this contradiction yourself.

As an object lesson, let's examine the situation of Buffalo Bills' wideout Lee Evans.

In many respected publications this summer, you will undoubtedly read that Evans' stock is set to rise this year because of the Bills' free agency signing of T.O. This school of thought says that most of the defense's double-teams and game-planning will be focused on Owens, finally giving Evans room to breathe and improve his numbers.

In just as many respected publications (sometimes the very same ones!), you will read that Evans' value will be taking a plunge once he is no longer Trent Edwards' go-to guy, and that T.O. will eat into the receiver's stats.

What's a fantasy owner to do?

How about this: use your own judgement!

Evans plays on a mediocre team, in a bad weather town, with a below-average quarterback, beside an above-average pain in the...well, you get the idea. Is that someone you'd want in the first six rounds? Probably not. But round twelve? Maybe.

Simply put, don't draft players based solely on the absence of other skill players on their team or you will miss out on guys like Kevin Walter and Eddie Royal. And don't draft players based solely on the security of having other skill players on the team either, or you will miss out on guys like Calvin Johnson and Dwayne Bowe.

Okay. I've had my say. And after reading this, you may completely disagree with me.

But that's the point.

No one knows more about fantasy football than you do, even if you are a complete beginner. Don't be afraid to go out on a limb sometimes, even if doing so makes other owners think you're out of your tree.

After all, the best running backs are the ones who cut against the grain.

Tennessee Titan LenDale White Begins New Diet, Gains Seventeen Pounds (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:53:12 -0400

Still smarting from a critical fumble in a playoff loss last January, and hoping to be seen as more than just a short-yardage runner, Tennessee Titans running back LenDale White began a self-imposed regimen of diet and exercise last week and promptly put on seventeen pounds.

Never known for cutting back, either on the field or in the buffet line, the portly player was asked how the extra weight might have been acquired.

“It’s all this new muscle mass, baby!” White said between bites of turkey leg. “Hey, check out these guns!”

Team trainers were less impressed with the rotund runners’ new eating habits.

“All I can say,” long-time assistant trainer Earl Franks chuckled, “is that if LenDale keeps dieting like this, I’m going to have to let out his pants by August.”

Even Titans head coach Jeff Fisher seemed a bit skeptical of his running back’s new training program, going so far as to imply that the whale-like White might be responsible for the team’s mixed-breed terrier and unofficial mascot, “Lucky,” going missing.

“I hate to accuse anyone,” said the mustachioed field manager, “but no one else on the team has ever left a trail of dog biscuits leading to their locker. And he does love Korean food.”

“He really said that?” asked White while wiping his greasy mouth with a bath towel. “But I loved that dog! In fact, I think the team should chip in and get another one.”

“Or maybe three.”

“And a llama.”

Shaquille O'Neal Announces He Will Only Play Half the Court in '09-'10 (Satire)

Jim Cantrell — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:06:15 -0400

In a nod to former coach Phil Jackson, new Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal has announced that he will be pulling back a little from the game he loves so much in order to spend more time with friends and family. But unlike Jackson, who is considering coaching only the Lakers' home games next season, Shaq has decided to play only on one side of the court.

"I've lived and loved this game for 29 years now," said the deep-voiced seven-footer at a hastily-called press conference. "Thirty-seven if you count the eight I spent with Kobe."

"But I just feel like it's time to think about my family a little bit and put them first."

Asked how playing only offense would help him spend more time with his family, O'Neal became noticeably agitated.

"First off, I never said anything about offense or defense, man. I'm not the coach."

But pressed once more on the details involved with his decision not to cross the time-line, the big man could only mumble something about "courtside seats" and "sharing nachos and hugs."

Surprisingly, when told of the failed rapper's announcement, new teammate LeBron James seemed perfectly okay with it.

"Oh well, that's just Shaq being Shaq, you know?" mused the star forward. "I mean, the guy hasn't played both sides of the floor in years, so why make an issue of it?"

"I'm used to playing five-on-one most nights, anyway."

As the press conference came to an end, O'Neal did offer up one last comment about next season.

"No matter how much of the court or how many minutes I play next season, I can promise you one thing. Whenever I get to Iowa or Illinois or whatever state Cleveland is in, I will play as hard as I ever have."

"Maybe even harder."

Cleveland Indians Are Concerned Mascot, Slider, Is Not Really Trying

Jim Cantrell — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 21:54:43 -0400

Cleveland Indians mascot Slider has done a lot for his favorite team over the years.

He's boogied to the radio hits of the day on the roof of the team's bullpen while wearing crutches.

He's sent foil-wrapped hot-dogs from slingshots into the stands.

He's cheered through unbearable heat, torrential rain, and yes, in this Rustbelt town, even swirling snow.

But one thing he hasn't done for this proud franchise is bring home a winner. And some of the teams' players and management are starting to take notice.

"Oh, he's a cute character and all," said Tribe outfielder Grady Sizemore. "Puffy. Hairy. Purple. Heck, he reminds me of my dad. But there's just something..."

"I don't know. He just doesn't inspire me to play my best ball, I guess."

Skipper Eric Wedge agrees.

"Slider's not really good at getting the guys charged up. I mean, some of these players, they make millions of dollars a year. Plus per diem! It's gonna take more than a couple high fives and thumbs up to get them motivated."

"I just wish he'd mix in a cartwheel now and then. It's really disappointing."

To his credit, Slider has remained as professional as ever, still occasionally covering his eyes to imitate embarrassment, or slapping a knee in a pantomime of laughter.

But the spontaneity seems to be gone.

"Maybe the spark is missing," said the fuzzy, mauve giant through his perky, young ballgirl interpreter.

"But I know I'm doing the best I can, even if the guys don't think..."

Then he said something that was either, "pickles itch when ignited with propane" or "singing Styx with agnostics is profane."

Unfortunately, the 19-year-old, shorts-clad youngster wasn't able to make it out, so she just shrugged as the mop-like creature crouched over and shook lightly in a silent but obvious display of sadness.

Yes, there are some hurt feelings underneath that non-categorized yet vaguely mammalian fur. Feelings that may one day be healed by an elusive championship. But of course, only time will tell.

Perhaps pitcher Cliff Lee summed it up best:

"I'm not sure why no one has seen this coming," he said. "I mean, Slider's like a giant walrus that's suffering from the Resident Evil virus."

"How the hell is anyone supposed to pitch with a mutant like that staring you in the face?"

Mark Sanchez Selects "Reese's Pieces" from Jets' Vending Machine

Jim Cantrell — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 21:24:55 -0400

Today, in the presence of several awestruck New York Jets coaches and teammates, future Hall of Famer Mark Sanchez gave an impressive demonstration of his decisiveness and incredible hand-eye coordination by selecting a fun-sized bag of Hershey's Reece's Pieces candies from the Jets' snack machine.

Making the event even more incredible, Sanchez's selection took place just seconds after a trainer had purchased the vending machine's last bag of Andy Capp's Hot Pub Fries, a known favorite of the photogenic and well-spoken quarterback.

"It's really no big deal," said the affable NFL star through an appealing grin. "Gosh, we had hundreds of vending machines at USC, so you can believe me when I tell you that this kind of thing happened there all the time. It's nothing new to me. I pride myself on being prepared."

"What's most impressive to me," said Rex Ryan, new Jets head coach and no small fan of the chestnut-locked signal-caller, "is the lack of fanfare. This young man just goes about his business in such a professional, skilled and saviour-of-the-franchise-like manner, that it's hard to fathom where this team would be without him. Heck, where this league would be without him."

One eyewitness to the event claimed that the exact change used to purchase the candy-coated confection was a nickel, three dimes and a half-dollar, a surprise in this day of flashy bills and platinum credit cards.

When asked to confirm that fact, the greatest player in the NFL gave a wry smile. "I'm not a flashy kind of guy. At least, not until the fourth quarter."

Ripples from the day's remarkable events carried well into the evening as Jets trainer Earl Codgewell was still talking about them several hours later.

"I had no idea those Pub Fries were Mark's, I mean Mr. Sanchez's, favorite snack," said a visibly shaken Codgewell.

The 60-year-old trainer carried a shoe box filled with personal mementos and a framed photograph of his grandchildren out the backdoor of the training facility as he choked back what this reporter could only assume were tears of joy from having come so close to the world's most amazing athlete.

"As I told Coach Ryan," he sobbed, "had I known it, I would have given them up to the kid. Heck, I still got half a bag if he wants 'em. I STILL GOT HALF A BAG IF YOU WANT 'EM!"

A little while later, Mark Sanchez, quarterback, poster-boy and hero to a universe, finally left the Jets' training facility and got ready to make his way home.

But not before giving his fans one more glimpse of his easy-going yet inspirational character.

"You know," he said with a boyish twinkle in his eye. "Maybe next time I'll mix it up a little. I haven't had a Fig Newton in ages."

For What It's Worth...There Are Too Many Cry Babies in the NFL

Jim Cantrell — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 07:27:13 -0400

Chris Samuels will not be getting a Christmas card from the New York Giants this year.

The Washington Redskins' offensive lineman was accused of dirty play by Mathias Kiwanuka, a defensive end for the current Super Bowl Champions.

According to an Associated Press report, Kiwanuka was upset that Samuels tackled him and rolled his ankle when Samuels was clearly beaten on the final play of the Giants-Washington game, Thursday night.

Claiming he did not believe Samuels was just trying to protect his quarterback, Kiwanuka said, "Even the greatest players get knocked down. You have to stand back up, be a man and line up for the next snap."

Perhaps that is advice Kiwanuka should take to heart. That is, whenever he's done blowing snot bubbles in the press.

Over the past 20 years, the NFL has slowly transformed from a league full of tough guys and men's men into a collection of posers, mama's boys, and accountants.

Kiwanuka's attitude is just the culmination of that downward slide.

Newspaper headlines used to blare out the exploits of the greatest plays and the greatest players in the game. Now we read about feuds between players and management as they quibble over how to slice a pie that is stuffed full with PSL money, sweetheart stadium-deals, and television revenue.

30 years ago, Turkey Jones turned Terry Bradshaw into a human jart, planting the Steelers' quarterback head first into the painted green turf of Cleveland Municipal Stadium. It was big news.

For a month.

Today, Brett Favre moans about the way his former team has mistreated him, and it's big news forever.

Does anyone on the planet really believe Ray Lewis would have intimidated a single offensive lineman from the '70s? Those guys had no big contracts, no fear, and generally no teeth. Their idea of a "perk" was dry towels in the shower room.

They were what we called t-o-u-g-h. And I miss them.

How many times this season will I have to watch linebackers spin themselves into the ground while trying to arm-tackle 200 pound men running full speed toward them?

How many times this season will I have to watch wide receivers prance out of bounds rather than take a hit and gain an extra yard or two?

How many times this season will I have to listen to grown men whine about the bullies in the NFL who won't play nice?

Endorsements, celebrity, and money have turned too many of today's NFL players into self-protective commodities. There are too many times on the field when players seem to make quick calculations to determine whether to put in a little extra effort on a play or just "play it safe."

That is not to say there are no "He-Men" left in football. But more often than not, they are the special teams guys with nothing to lose but a roster spot.

For what it's worth, if Mathias Kiwanuka is so concerned about the dirty play he sees in the NFL, he should do something about it.

He should toughen up.

Sports Lists I Would Most Like to Read on Bleacher Report

Jim Cantrell — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:32:39 -0400

Lately, the Bleacher Report has seen articles breaking out lists of funny quotes, strange names of athletes, and the oddest Olympic sports. Like most folks, I enjoy reading them and agreeing or disagreeing with their rankings.

Heck, lists are fun!

But let's face it, there are some lists the Bleacher Creatures would love to read about that just haven't been written...yet.

Here are the top 10 lists I would love to read about on B/R:

1. The Detroit Red Wings' Top-Two Dental Hygiene Tips

2. The Top-31 NFL Starting Quarterbacks with More Upside than Tarvaris Jackson

3. The Top-Five Luckiest Undergarments Worn by Jason Giambi

4. The Top-74 Sporting Leagues More Popular than the WNBA

5. The One-and-a-Half Most Clever Things Chris Berman Has Ever Said

6. The Top-17 Ways to Misspell the Word "Badminton"

7. The Top-1.3 Billion Chinese Shorter than Yao Ming

8. The Top-50 Peyton Manning Commercials that Were Funny the First Time

9. The Top NASCAR Rule that Joe Gibbs Racing Almost Didn't Break

10. The Top-Nine Reasons Not to Share a Cab with Bela Karolyi

And a bonus No. 11!

11. The Top-43 Derogatory Names Being Screamed at the Author of This Stupid List!

He Kexin, Olympic Gymnast: What's in a Name?

Jim Cantrell — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:29:04 -0400

Hey, Bud!

Oh hi, Lou. How's things?

Fine, fine. Say, Bud...

Yes?

You're a fan of the Summer Olympics, right?

Oh, yes. Wonderful. Spectacular...

So I assume you've been watching the female gymnasts, right?

What kind of a silly question is that, Lou? I mean, what's a Summer Olympics without...

Yeah, yeah, whatever. But listen, I have a question.

Okay, what is it?

I want to know, what's the name of that Chinese gymnast?

Which one?

The one who does the uneven bars.

Oh...He.

Who?

He.

No, no. I'm talking about the girl.

So am I.

You said "he."

That's what you asked.

No. I asked, who is she?

And I said "He."

Who?

He.

She's a he?

That's right.

So the Chinese female gymnast?

Is a He.

She is?

He is.

Is what?

A she.

Are you saying she's a he?

Absolutely.

And the judges know that?

Know what?

That she's a he.

Well, of course they do. Why shouldn't they?

Because he's competing with the female gymnasts.

Of course she is.

Who is?

He is!

But you just said she's a he!

Because He is!

Is what?

A she! Don't you listen?

I'm listening, but I still don't know!

Know what?

Who is the Chinese girl on the uneven bars?

Not who! He!

Who's he!

The Chinese female gymnast!

He is?

Now you've got it!

What have I got?

Her name!

Whose name?

The Chinese female gymnast!

Who's a he!

That she is!

She's what?

A He.

That she is!

Amen, brother!

Fantasy Football Headlines from the Upcoming 2008 NFL Season

Jim Cantrell — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:23:29 -0400

What if you could see into the future?

How much of an advantage would it be for a fantasy-football owner to know the major stories in the NFL before they ever happened?

Wouldn't you like to find out?

Well, today you can.

That's right, my friend. Even though your puny little brain can't see into the NFL's future...my puny little brain can!

Need proof?

How about the fact that I predicted Brett Favre's "un-retirement" several months before it became the biggest story of the summer? Did you think that was just a coincidence?

Yeah, and Kirstie Alley is just big-boned.

Look, I have the gift. And I'm willing to use it for the betterment of your fantasy football team.

It's all up to you.

So, if you think you can stop making a face like you are chewing a cockroach with a rubber band wrapped around it, and you want to gain a real advantage over the non-future-seeing owners in your league, then read below for the headlines you will soon be viewing on the Bleacher Report about the biggest stories from the upcoming 2008 NFL season.

Week One

"Cleveland Browns Trade Derek Anderson to Minnesota Vikings with 10 Minutes Left in First Half; All Four Tarvaris Jackson Fans Inconsolable"

Week Two

"Denver Head Coach Mike Shanahan Inserts Self as Broncos' Starting Running Back; Gains 127 Yards on 18 Carries"

Week Three

"Arizona Cardinals Unveil Two-Quarterback Set; Leinart and Warner Lost for the Season"

Week Four

"Miami Dolphins Lose to Bye Week"

Week Five

"New England Patriots' Wide Receiver Randy Moss Racks Up Four Scores and 200 Yards with Eyes Closed and One Hand Tied Behind Back"

Week Six

"St. Louis Running Back Steven Jackson Rushes, Catches and Throws for a Combined Seven Touchdowns; Rams Lose by Three"

Week Seven

"Denver Head Coach Mike Shanahan Inserts Exhumed Elephant Man Corpse as Broncos' Starting Running Back; Rotting Bones Gain 114 Yards on 21 Carries"

Week Eight

"Tennessee Titans' Quarterback Vince Young Tosses Five Touchdown Passes and Rushes for Negative Yardage; Arlen Specter to Investigate"

Week Nine

"Philadelphia Eagles' Quarterback Donovan McNabb Dislocates Elbow Lifting Cup of Gatorade to Mouth; Out Four to Six Weeks"

Week Ten

"Pittsburgh Steelers' Wide Receiver Hines Ward Put in Full Body Cast after Brutal First-Quarter Collision; Hobbles for Two Touchdowns in Second Half"

Week Eleven

"New York Jets' Quarterback Brett Favre Replaced in Starting Lineup by Joe Namath"

Week Twelve

"Cincinnati Bengals' Wide Receiver Chad Johnson Misses Second Half after Bottle Rocket in Pants Blows Off Left Testicle During Touchdown Celebration"

Week Thirteen

"Denver Head Coach Mike Shanahan Inserts Chad Johnson's Testicle as Broncos' Starting Running Back; Severed Gonad Gains 83 Yards on 12 Carries"

Week Fourteen

"Buffalo Bills Wide Receiver Lee Evans Injured in End Zone; Running Back Marshawn Lynch Claims He Didn't See Him Dancing There"

Week Fifteen

"Oakland Raiders' Wide Receiver Javon Walker Beaten and Robbed While Diving into Black Hole"

Week Sixteen

"New Orleans Saints' Tight End Jeremy Shockey Crawls Over Goal Line for Record 24th Touchdown of Season; New York's Brooklyn Bridge Closed Due to Large Amount of Jumpers"

Week Seventeen

"Indianapolis Colts Forfeit Final Game of Season in Effort to Keep 'Fresh' for Playoffs"

And there you are, all the upcoming NFL news in easy to digest, condensed form.

(Kind of like the crow you will be forced to eat for ever doubting me.)

*Errp*

Are NFL Preseason Ticket Prices Too Low?

Jim Cantrell — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 10:05:08 -0400

Yeah. So, welcome to my article.

I know why you're here. You want to know if the humor guy has finally slipped a nail file past the brain warden. NFL preseason ticket prices...too low? Um, right.

Have I been drinking the bong water or what?

Well, the answers are: Yes, NFL preseason ticket prices are too low; and no, I don't drink.

But I do read.

And today, my local newspaper ran its 473rd editorial about NFL preseason ticket prices and how the mean old NFL is ripping off the public every summer by charging full price for what amounts to two practice games.

The sentiment that permeates most of these letters is that the NFL is callous and cruel. You know, the same kind of sentiment usually reserved for people who don't recycle or people that eat hamburgers.

And it's about as true as Pamela Anderson's bust size.

Now, before you start reflexively whining about how the NFL owners' force fans to purchase these games in order to be season-ticket holders, let me ask you one simple question:

So what?

"But Jim, those games are meaningless. They're played by a bunch of guys destined to be car salesmen or accountants by September. That's why, as expensive as they are, I usually just give my preseason tickets away, or eat them."

First of all, as a snack, those tickets are not very filling. Secondly, I don't care.

"But as a season ticket holder, I think it's just ridiculous to make me buy those games in order to keep my season package."

And yet, you do.

Every aspect of the NFL has been covered ad nauseum by the media, and only a fool or an Amish go-go dancer could claim that they weren't aware that the NFL is a big business.

When a player is cut, "it's just business." When a team moves, "it's just business." When a free agent bolts for more zeroes and commas in the paycheck, "it's just business." When I accidentally pee on my shoe while waiting in line for the mustard, "it's just business."

But leaving it to the consumer to decide whether the price of two meaningless games is worth eight that matter is "unfair."

Wah, wah, wah, Chachi.

Let's go back to my original question. The one about NFL preseason ticket prices being too low? (Yeah, that was a long time ago, I know.)

Ladies and gentlemen, isn't it obvious that fans are not buying NFL preseason tickets to see the preseason games themselves, but to be included in their team's full season package? And if you agree that this is true, then couldn't it be argued that preseason tickets could be sold for more money than they currently are?

Do you think that if the price of tickets for the regular season stayed the same, but preseason tickets went up one dollar per game, most fans would give up their season tickets over the increase?

No, me neither.

But how about for two dollars? Or five dollars? Do you see what I'm saying?

The NFL is a business, neither caring nor cruel. If it finds a way to make more money, it will.

You don't need to enter a rehab clinic or get a prescription for Methadone if you decide you don't want to be a part of it anymore. If you don't want to get "ripped off" by the NFL's big-business practices, you already know what to do. Vote with your wallet.

Not your local newspaper's editorial section.

Brett Favre's Jersey Number Is Retired From Entire Universe by God

Jim Cantrell — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 15:02:47 -0400

In what can only be described as an event of epic proportions, the creator of the universe has taken a definitive position on the Brett Favre debate by completely eliminating from existence the quarterback's jersey number, which up until six hours ago, could be reliably found between the numbers three and five.

"It wasn't an easy decision to make," said the Almighty, through a fire that spontaneously ignited in one of the end zones of Lambeau Field. "But I didn't keep Brett Favre healthy for 16 seasons just to enjoy his boyish good looks every week. (Though I only know, I did give him those.) Honest to me, I want to see him play."

"So, until the Packers put Brett Favre back in as their starting quarterback, you can kiss your smallest composite number, 'sayonara'."

Beyond the obvious complications of organizing groups for golf outings and abbreviating the word "intravenous", the missing digit has already created quite a stir in everyday life.

"I used to zip in and out of the McDonald's drive thru in seconds," complained Bears fan Mona Washenwacks on her lunch break. "But now that the number to my favorite combo meal no longer exists, I have to name every single item I want, one at a time. That takes me, like, two minutes! Especially with the crummy speakers these places have!"

"I've always hated Brett Favre. Now I despise the man."

"How are we supposed to know when to celebrate our country's independence day?" complained an obviously overwrought landscaper at the Packers' training complex. "Oh, wait a minute. I'm Mexican. The number five's still okay, right?"

Although Brett Favre was unavailable for comment at the time of this writing, long-time supporter John Madden weighed in with a few thoughts of his own.

"Hah! That's something, with the thing and the number and...ho ho! I'm telling ya! Just BOOM! And it's all gone, like a chicken leg dangling in front of Nate Newton's face. Wow!"

Meanwhile, in a related story, Aaron Rodgers has left Packers' training camp and is reported to be joining a Buddhist monastery.

Fantasy Football: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Rounder?

Jim Cantrell — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 14:49:03 -0400

I'm forever blowing bubbles.

I'm not talking about those soapy spheres so popular at backyard parties or in low budget music videos (which I realize for some of you are basically the same thing).

No, I'm talking about those players in fantasy football drafts who are considered to be "on the bubble". The ones that tend to fall somewhere between rounds six and ten because they are not coveted enough to be taken with one of the top 50 picks, but are not obscure enough to make John Clayton drool all over himself like a schnauzer gnawing on a ham bone, either.

Often overlooked, these picks can be the difference between a good season and a bad season, and in many cases will determine whether you enjoy the thrill of victory, or the agony of DeShaun Foster.

So without further ado, and with the full expectation that writing this article will count towards my court imposed community service hours, I give you, "How Not to Screw Up Your Fantasy Football Draft in the Middle Rounds and Wind Up Crying in Your Car on the Way Home Like You Always Do".

(Keep in mind that these rules only apply to rounds six through ten of a 15 round draft.)

Rule No. 1—Do not pick any player in the middle rounds whose name is usually followed by the phrase, "sets up for the field goal."

Rule No. 2—If any players in your top 50 sneak past the fifth round, draft them, regardless of position. If you wind up with four tight ends, it's because your cheat sheet sucks.

Rule No. 3—Never draft a player just to get a reaction from the other owners in your league. Do you want to be remembered as the guy who got into the playoffs with dull but solid players, or the hammerhead who took Tim Hightower in the eighth round?

Rule No. 4—Avoid free agents, no matter how familiar a brand name they have. They are without a team for a reason. If you want "sexy", turn on Desperate Housewives.

Rule No. 5—Don't reach for a handcuff if there are viable NFL starters still on the board. If another owner wants to waste a seventh rounder drafting Ladell Betts as a handcuff to your Clinton Portis, let him. You can always gouge out his eyes with your car keys later.

Rule No. 6—If you plan to draft another owner's handcuff in round seven, wear protective goggles.

Rule No. 7—Don't suddenly give up on your cheat sheet and "go with your gut". You've just spent the last hour eating hot wings and pizza. Your gut is not very reliable.

Rule No. 8—Treat bye weeks as tie-breakers, not deal-breakers. Think like a general manager, not a temp agency.

Although I can't guarantee that following these "bubble rules" will make your fantasy football draft successful, there is one thing I can guarantee:

You will have someone else to blame if your team really "blows".

Fantasy Football Draft Day: Where Fantasy Ends and Reality Begins

Jim Cantrell — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:51:52 -0400

After months of nervous anticipation and careful planning, it has finally arrived.

Draft day!

The day that has become one of the greatest joys of your life, rivaled only by "Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition" day and "All You Can Eat Chili Chalupa" day, but without all the napkins.

You have an overflowing stack of fantasy football magazines by your side, each one dog-eared and stained with various condiments. Or perhaps vomit.

You have your favorite beverage, coincidentally labeled "Genuine Draft".

You have a full bladder. (Unfortunately, you really enjoy your favorite beverage.)

And you have the heart of a winner, the will of a master, and the confidence of a champion.

Oh you poor fool...you are so going down in flames again this year.

Because as any veteran fantasy football owner will tell you, you can dream all you want about your drafting skills, and grace under pressure, and good fortune—but come fantasy football draft day, well...reality bites.

Here's how.

"Fantasy" Football—You take a vacation day, block out your calendar, and pack all the items you will need weeks in advance in order to be on time and prepared for your fantasy football draft.

"Reality" Football—On the day of the draft, you wait over three hours to begin drafting because one owner overslept, one had the wrong day written down and two decided that they didn't want to play this year but forgot to tell anyone.

"Fantasy" Football—You spend four months pouring over fantasy football magazines and websites in an effort to be more prepared than the other owners in your league.

"Reality" Football—In the heat of the moment, you mistakenly blow the second overall pick in the draft when you shout out gleefully, "Adrian Peterson, Chicago Bears!" then spend the rest of the draft desperately trying to scoop up third-tier running backs while ignoring the cackles and laughter of the other owners in your league.

"Fantasy" Football—You agonize over the merits of the RB-RB drafting method versus the Value-Based drafting method and decide at the very last minute that VBD is the way to go.

"Reality" Football—You can't believe your good fortune when Tony Gonzalez, a player with an incredible 181 VBD score, falls to you in the third round. That is until you realize that the first "1" in his VBD score is actually an eyelash on your cheat sheet, which blows off as the owner to your left falls all over himself drafting Tony Romo.

"Fantasy" Football—You surreptitiously enjoy the furtive looks and shaking heads of the other owners in your league after selecting Steven Jackson, who has miraculously fallen to you in the third round.

"Reality" Football—On the drive home, you tune the radio to your favorite sports station and hear a day old report announcing that the St. Louis Rams were concerned about Jackson's latest knee troubles, and that amputation hadn't been ruled out.

"Fantasy" Football—You know that getting stuck with the 12th pick for the last three years in a row means that the odds of getting into the top half of the first round with a chance to nab Tom Brady this year are pretty reasonable.

"Reality" Football—With the 12th pick in the draft, you select Larry Johnson.

Yep, draft day is one of the greatest days of the year.

Just remember, it's not called "fantasy" football for nothing.

Fantasy Football: Channeling Your Inner Expert

Jim Cantrell — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 16:31:30 -0400

You're stupid.

At least, that's what all of the other fantasy-football experts tell me. You see, whenever we fantasy-football experts get together, one of the main topics we enjoy discussing is your complete incompetence when it comes to fantasy football.

Because, let's face it, you're not too bright. If you were, you would be an expert.

"But surely," we can hear you thinking. "You don't mean me? Personally? By name?"

Don't be ridiculous. Of course we do. I mean, come on. I just told you we can read your mind.

"So what can I do?" you say. (Well, not actually out loud, even though you do move your lips when you read. It's kind of annoying.)

It's simple. Just follow these five easy steps, and even an idiot like you can break the cycle of fantasy-football failure and enjoy the warm spotlight of fantasy-football success.

Step One—Draft Good Players

Drafting players that are not good is a poor strategy. Stick with players that are good.

Here's an expert tip: A player that was good last year may or may not be good this year. And a player that was not good last year may or may not be good this year.

You're welcome.

Step Two—Talk Over People At Your Draft

No matter who gets drafted in what round by which owner, make loud comments after every single pick. The comments can be positive or negative, it really doesn't matter. Just as long as they are loud.

Another expert tip: Shout these comments out while chewing a nacho.

Step Three—Constantly Toss Out the Names of Fifth-String Wide Receivers and Tight Ends From Losing Teams Before Making Your Official Draft Choices

You want to make it clear to your opponents that you are familiar with every skill position player in the NFL, and are capable of drafting any player at any time.

Expert tip: Do not draft any fifth-string wide receivers or tight ends from losing teams.

Step Four—Taunt the Owner of the Team You Are Playing Each Week With Inappropriate Comments About Their Physical Appearance, the Size of Their Twinkie, and the Sexual Habits of Their Wives and Mothers

I believe this one goes without saying.

Step Five—Win

I don't know how many times I have watched other owners play fantasy football and lose. This is not very smart. The object of the game is to win.

Expert tip: Stop losing, you moron.

Well, there you have it. Enlightening advice from a fantasy football expert, designed to help you reach your pigskin potential and reign supreme in all of your fantasy-football leagues.

Now that's a fantasy.

Man Comes Out of Five-Month Coma, Thinks Sports Illustrated Is Practical Joke

Jim Cantrell — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 15:14:59 -0400

A coma, the doctor said. Five months of my life gone, she said.

Wow.

I guess it really wasn't such a good idea to drink 32 cocktails of Heineken mixed with bacon grease and vomit, after all.

(Although that was one heck of a Super Bowl tailgate party! And what's five months, really? I've had bowel movements that lasted longer...)

Oh well, I guess I'll just flip open this incredibly out of date Sports Illustrated magazine someone left here and pass the time by catching up on...

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!!!

The Giants won the...with Eli? But they were...and everyone said they...and there was destiny and Brady and...and...

Oh...OH! I get it. Ha ha!

Okay! Ha ha ha! They got me. Yeah, those jerks really got me good. They sure went to a lot of trouble for a bad practical joke, though.

I do have to admit that Photoshop sure has been upgraded since I took a vacation at the naptime diet farm. But seriously, that picture of the guy no one's ever heard of who supposedly played on the Giants?

The one catching the football with the top of his helmet? That's a dead give-away. I mean, come on...even Tony Romo's girlfriend Jessica Simpson wouldn't believe that one. (Note to self, find out if Romo and Jessica finally got married.)

Oh well. "Giants win." Ha! Ridiculous.

Let's check out the local sports page and see what's...

Oh my god! THEY'RE TOO MUCH!

Brett Favre retires? And unretires? And text messages the team? And asks for his release to play for one of the Packers' rivals? And is told he can come back but can't start?

That's not even believable.

Pathetic.

Todd and Pete sure put a lot of effort into making these articles look authentic, but they should've spent a little more time on the jokes. This stuff is just stupid, man. You'd have to be a Canadian football fan to fall for them.

Okay, let's see if there's anything real in here at all...

Cedric Benson cut with only a rookie behind him on the depth chart? Uh, yeah.

Javon Walker mugged and left for dead the week before OTAs? Right.

Ronnie Brown expected to start in Miami after having ACL surgery in the middle of last season, and Ricky Williams is going to back him up? Whatever.

The NFL owners unanimously reject the current collective-bargaining agreement? Mmmm-hmmm...

Okay. Now I'm getting irritated. Who do those guys take me for, anyway? Matt Millen?

The next thing you know, they'll probably send an orderly in to tell me that they've both committed suicide, just like they jokingly said they would if Al Davis drafted another running back with the Raiders' first pick. Man, they are so lame.

And I am going to tell them that just as soon as they get their sorry butts over here.

Gee, I wonder what's taking them so long...

LaDainian Tomlinson and One Owner's Man Crush: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Jim Cantrell — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 13:09:27 -0400

You hear violins, and a timpani of joyous bells.

It is a beautiful song, one that wafts over the half chewed remnants of hot wings and pizza crusts and echoes off of the wood veneer panelling of your buddy's basement rec room like the voices of so many angels.

A scintillating scent fills the air. Is it lavender? Is it beer? Is it lavender beer?

You feel a rapturous sensation of triumph, just as great as the time you peeled off that Monopoly game sticker from your McDonald's large fry and instantly won another McDonald's large fry. No, even greater than that.

For today is your Fantasy Football draft day, and with the No. 1 pick overall, you have just selected—LaDainian Tomlinson.

"L.T."

The Man.

As the night goes on, the rest of your picks seem less exciting. Less intoxicating. You find yourself absently rubbing your finger over the pencilled in name of your RB1 as you go through the motions of choosing the rest of your team. In round seven you miss your turn, as you are busy drawing Chargers lightning bolts in the margins of your draft cheat sheet.

After what feels like days, the draft is finally over. You leave quickly before the Texas Hold 'em game breaks out. You do not want anything to deter you from setting up your roster for week one, which you do at your kitchen table at one in the morning while the rest of the world sleeps. In red ink, you write "LT" in bold letters on the page. And underline it.

Week one comes, and you can feel the sweat on your palms as you try to pick up the remote to turn on the television. You do everything you can to improve your running back's luck, including wearing the same gym socks you wore when you won the eighth grade 100 meter dash back in 1981.

LT plays well. Not great, but good. You are fine with that. Hey, you think, let's take it slow. No need to rush into anything. You have all season to get to know each other.

Week two, more of the same. Consistency is the key. Your palms no longer sweat, but you still are nervous for your big play guy. You've seen enough to know that he is going to score you points. No need to worry so much.

Week three. There are good plays and bad plays. You seem to have become comfortable with each other. You no longer marvel at LT's breakaway speed or power. You feel guilty that you sometimes think about switching channels to another game.

Slowly, the weeks go by. Sometimes you daydream about what it would be like to start another running back in LaDainian's place. And then, on LT's bye week, you do.

For one week, you flirt with a younger, stronger back. There is almost no guilt. Almost.

But the next week, you go back to your routine. It is too difficult to change, and LT has meant so much to your team...He is your starter for the rest of the year.

Before you know it, the season is over, and you have won the Ultimate Man's League Championship. A glowing virtual trophy rests in your virtual trophy case as virtual proof of your virtual hard work. And you know in your heart of hearts, it is all because of LaDainian.

But the magic is gone.

Things begin to change. Football season comes to an end. The music is less angel voices now, more Fifty Cent in a crack alley. The fragrance is less lavender beer, and more mildew, which you forgot to scrape out of the garbage cans in the garage when you finally threw your lucky gym socks away.

There are months of silence. Eventually, you forget about your RB1. You barely cross paths now. But on the rare occasions when you do, nothing is said. You just go your own ways.

But you are not sad. You know deep down that each of you has taken the brief moments of fantasy football joy you shared and turned them into a fantasy football highlights reel that plays comfortably in your head like a NFL Films documentary recorded from broadcast television onto a decade old VHS tape.

Then, as your heart is just about healed, summer comes, and with it another draft day.

He is there of course. On the cover of all the glossy magazines, listed first in all of the rankings.

But for you, the allure is gone.

Still, you remember with a smile the good times. Hey LT, remember that TD pass you threw last year? Gosh, we got some laughs out of that, didn't we?

Then the hat is passed around and you pick your draft number.

Not number one.

Oh well, that's life, you say to yourself with a chuckle.

Beside you, another owner is pumping his fist in the air. You reminisce about that feeling of luck and joy and hope. It was nice, you think. But so long ago.

So very long ago.

As you hear LaDainian Tomlinson's name called first, you can't help but smile. Good for you LT, you say. I wish you well, buddy. I really do.

And then you turn back to the task at hand.

And wonder if maybe Randy Moss will slip to you at number seven...

NBA Commissioner David Stern: Please Leave a Message at the Beep

Jim Cantrell — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 10:50:53 -0400

*RING----RING----RING----RING*

Hello. You have reached the offices of the commissioner of the National Basketball Association, David Stern.

I'm sorry I'm not here to take your call right now, but rest assured that I am either hobnobbing with very glamorous and important celebrities, berating some tiresome and overly accusatory talk show hosts, or otherwise using my stature as commissioner of the NBA to promote and improve the sport of basketball in every corner of the globe, (and to otherwise keep that jerk Roger Goodell from hogging too much of the spotlight--the loser).

Anyway, if you think that you are indeed important enough to garner my already overstretched attention, then please feel free to leave a brief message after the beep, and I will have one of my underlings send you a form letter. Thank you.

*BEEP*

"Yeah, Sternsy? T-Bone, here. Listen chief, I can't say too much on the machine, you know, but our arrangement seems to be working out pretty well. Sorry I doubted you. I guess that's why you're in charge, huh? Okay, keep me in the loop." click

*BEEP*

"Hey, David. Calling one of the games straight while the heat is on? Genius. Goodell has nothing on you. (That loser.) Anyway, see you at the club." click

*BEEP*

"Yes sir, Mr. Stern. This is 'Gray Shirt' reporting in. I'm afraid the rest of the officiating crew and I...errr, I mean the 'Whistleblowers' and I...oh, s#!%. Sorry, sir. I'll call back." click

*BEEP*

"Yes, Mr. Stern? This is Senator Arlen Specter calling. I know you are a very busy man, Mr. Stern, but I just had a few questions for you regarding the New England Patriots and their videotaping..." click

*BEEP*

"David? MJ. Hey, I'm missing a payment this month. I know you got other things on your mind and all, but this is the second time this year the envelope is light, okay? I didn't come back from retirement for you all those years ago just so I could call you every week looking for my money. Get on it. Hanes ain't gonna pay me forever, man." click

*BEEP*

"Arlen Specter again, Mr. Stern. It seems that your machine must have cut me..." click

*BEEP*

"This is 'Gray Shirt' reporting back in, Mr. Stern. I was calling to verify if 'Operation Chips Fall' is still up and running, or if we are to switch back to 'Operation Home Fave'? I know you told us you were trying to squeeze seven games out of these two teams, sir. But...errr, I mean, 'string out the subjects', oh s#!%! Sorry, sir. I'll call back." click

*BEEP*

"Yeah, Stern? Donaghy. I enjoy watching you sweat, you know that? You can deny it all you want, but you're going down, buddy. You and all the other lemmings in your 'most measured and metricized group of employees'. Hah! That's a joke, Stern! You hear me? A joke! Hey, let go of me! I said let go, you dirty screw! I got rights, you know...Give me back that phone you..." click

*BEEP*

"Mr. Stern, this is Roger Goodell's office calling. Mr. Goodell has asked me to remind you once again that he does not wish to receive any more issues of Playgirl magazine, even as a gift from your office, and firmly demands that you cancel the subscription immediately. And please stop driving by his house and honking." click

*BEEP*

"Uh, Mr. Stern? David? It's Kobe. Umm...what's going on, sir? I did everything you said and now this? We're down three games to one. No one has ever come back from three games to one in the Finals. I mean, a team would have to be the greatest basketball team ever to come back from...hey, wait a minute...Oh, geez! That's it, isn't it? I just got it, and it's brilliant! Sorry, Mr. Stern. So sorry to call you, sir. I'll see you after the season. And thanks! (Man, Shaq is gonna be so...)" click

*BEEP*

"Mr. David Stern? This is the New York Public library. Are you ever going to return our DVD movie Space Jam or should we just bill you for it? Again." click

*BEEP*

"Yes, Mr. Stern. This is Dr. Shliffenhofer. I'm afraid the news is not good. You are in the peak of health. So sorry. Call me when you can." click

*MESSAGES-FULL*