Bleacher Report - Articles by Elbow Murderpants

Anyone Smell A Comeback For The NHL?

Elbow Murderpants — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:18:44 -0500

While the GMs discuss more ways they can trick up the game, (in hopes of saving Bettman’s bacon?) we are perhaps provoked to ask, “Where is this increase in the fan base they keep striving for?”

Handcuffing the goaltenders with smaller pads, bigger nets, and restricted puck playing areas was supposed to increase scoring in the league and thereby increase the appeal of the game.

Eliminating ties and moving to the shootout was supposed to make the game more exciting and make it more appealing to fringe fans.

Playing four on four in overtime was supposed to speed up the game and make the sport more accessible to even more potential fans.

Here in Dallas, the Stars have lowered some ticket prices to half and it seems obvious that this has done more for the popularity of the game than all of the other shenanigans Bettman and the boys have proposed.

Has the salary cap stopped teams from overpaying certain players and driving up operating costs?

In light of a recent Forbes survey that indicates the Toronto Maple Leafs are the most valuable NHL franchise, and that all Original Six teams are firmly in the top seven spots…AND, that Phoenix is at the bottom of the list when it comes to franchise value, let’s briefly think about the success of the initiatives under the Bettman regime.

Now that we’ve wasted a nano-second, let’s consider some other things Bettman might be pondering to increase the popularity of the NHL:

· Go to a Survivor format: Between each period the team “votes off” 5 players

· Allowing costumes instead of uniforms—think the Atlanta Spider-Men/Columbus Vampires

· Two words: Celebrity Goalies

· Naked Ice Girls

· Allow extra style points for creative goals

· Shorten the season to 16 games and quadruple the price of tickets

· Give Puerto Rico a franchise

· Move Edmonton’s franchise to Mississippi

· Change puck to soccer ball

· Turn the lights out for 30 seconds (every five minutes) during play—this will save on power and create interesting confusion on the ice

· Implement field goal posts and have shooter try for “extra point” after a goal

· Full game music soundtrack

· Demolition Zamboni’s between second & third period

You doubt?

Remember folks, we’re talking Bettman here.

Team Canada Early Picks Seem Myopic

Elbow Murderpants — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:22:50 -0500

If one was to believe the pundits after the Canadian Olympic Hockey Team orientation camp in August, they would accept that “no definite decisions” were made based on the performance of the players in Calgary, and that the performance of the players in the first half of the NHL season would make or break the case for who should be chosen.

I’m already starting to wonder.

One hundred days out of the Olympics, and one month into the 2009-10 NHL season, Pierre McGuire posts an article entitled "Pierre's Picks—100 Days Out ."

In short, he picks the following forwards:

FORWARDS
Rick Nash, Sidney Crosby, Martin St. Louis
Jeff Carter, Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry
Brenden Morrow, Mike Richards, Shane Doan
Patrick Marleau, Jordan Staal, Jarome Iginla
Patrick Sharp

WATCH LIST
Dany Heatley
Steven Stamkos
James Neal

I have immense respect for the analysis that Pierre offers, but I have to call foul in this instance.

My suspicion is that everyone has their “druther” list for the Team Canada roster. As in: “I’druther have Jeff Carter on the team that Joe Thornton.”

Yes, I fully understand that Team Canada, due to the depth of potential players, is bound to leave off some people's favorite talent. It’s just a harsh reality of having to pare down to a 20-something-man roster.

I also understand that it’s still early, and the actual roster won’t be announced until December 31st—and I DO know, that the decision won’t be made by Pierre McGuire.

But even after the strange omission of Marc Savard on the orientation camp invitation list, there appear to be glowing instances of myopia regarding who is Team Canada worthy.

I will address just one based on McGuire’s speculative post—Ryan Smyth.

As a fan of the Dallas Stars, I have no great affinity for Ryan Smyth—so this is no lobby for my favorite player—but, I have to wonder what a guy like Smyth needs to do to be seriously considered as a valid addition to the Team Canada short list.

Now, I don’t want get off on a Dennis Miller rant here, but…

Smyth is producing at an over point-per-game pace, he’s plus-eight, and he doesn’t even get a spot on Pierre’s “Watch List.” Harsh.

Admittedly, the other forwards on this list are all producing nicely, but none, save perhaps Shane Doan, have made the past sacrifices for Team Canada that Smyth has to date. For that alone he should get Rock over Scissors in this decision.

James Neal is having a great start to his season, and I like the guy a lot, but placing him on a roster before Captain Canada would be a gold medal mistake for Steve Yzerman…and a perplexing choice for a hockey mind as sharp as Pierre’s.

That’s just my opinion—I could be wrong.

Nominal Moves by Nieuwendyk Raise Questions on Tippett Dismissal

Elbow Murderpants — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:01:43 -0400

One can certainly understand the logic in limiting the amount of transactions the Dallas Stars would execute in the offseason prior to the 2009-10 campaign, but it does raise an interesting question regarding the firing of former head coach Dave Tippett.

It might seem a little late for speculation now, but it may, indeed, be worth a moment of reflection for the purpose of uncovering the true reasons behind replacing such a talented coach.

This ponderance is in no way meant to criticize Joe Nieuwendyk’s performance as GM, or Marc Crawford’s potential value as Tippett’s replacement.

Joe Nieuwendyk a born winner who seems to possess the measured optimism and sensible hockey acumen it takes to be a very successful GM in the NHL. And Marc Crawford appears to be ready to return to his winning form despite a distinct lack of recent accolades.

Still, after a dismal performance by the Stars last season and a reasonably good free agent market this summer, it was interesting to watch Nieuwendyk take a very conservative approach to changing the roster.

There’s no doubt that the poor season posted by the Stars in '08-'09 was chiefly the result of injuries to key players. Brendan Morrow was out for most of the season, Sergei Zubov missed the year, Brad Richards was mostly absent with an injury and re-injury, and then there were a handful of ancillary rehabs for a couple of other players.

That’s why, even though the franchise had the perfect alibi, it was surprising to watch Nieuwendyk state that injuries were not an acceptable excuse and then summarily dismiss Dave Tippett.

Though one could argue that six years without a serious Stanley Cup run is reasonable grounds for a coaching change in this competitive league, the numbers put up by Tippett over his tenure (271 wins/156 losses/28 ties/37 OTLs) hardly warrant getting the toe after an injury-riddled season.

With the exception of the 2008-09 schedule, Tippet never failed to post more wins than losses and posted back-to-back 50 win seasons. So why the brush-off after one failed campaign?

Good question.

Going into this summer’s free agent signing period, Joe Nieuwendyk seemed poised to make a few serious roster additions or subtractions. But it never really happened.

His lack of action, so far, (there’s still time and potential opportunities for significant changes before the season begins) seem to suggest that Nieuwendyk believes that the proper players are already in place, and that this will be a “do-over” year for the Stars.

Fair enough! But this same point-of-view intimates that the blame for last year’s performance lies directly at the feet of Dave Tippett. Again, Tippett’s stats over six seasons fail to make a truly compelling argument for dismissal.

Clearly something went wrong between Tippett and the players…something that the win/loss stats of '08-'09 can only allude to.

Now consider this: Since he first donned a green and gold jersey in Minnesota and on until today, Mike Thomas Modano Jr. has been the “Golden Boy” of the franchise.

Though years of flashy play with defensive liability, and forward into an era where he became a more well-rounded player, (thanks to the efforts of Bob Gainey and Ken Hitchcock) Modano has perpetually skated somewhere a few feet above any negative criticism from the lips of his hometown fans—in either Texas or Minnesota.

For the most part, Mike Modano has been protected from any discouraging word by Stars management, local fans, local media, and his teammates like a special needs child. —Or he was, at least, until Sunday, Mar. 8, 2009.

After a particularly frustrating loss, Tippett did the unthinkable. He pointed a finger (though not exclusively) at the mighty Mo.

This, my friends, is just not done here in Dallas.

Removing the “C” from his jersey in 2006 was one thing, but finally calling him out for not living up to his legend after years of no accountability, only adoration, is quite another.

Even though Modano, the reputed best player on the team, was a horrid minus 13 for the year (led the team) and was ranked fifth in points (after even Brad Richards who missed 24 games) it is extremely plausible that Tippett’s finger pointing was one of the things that led to his ultimate demise.

On a local sports radio interview, just before Tippett was fired, Nieuwendyk stated that he, “wanted to get Dave’s (Tippett’s) side of the story...”: This logically suggests that there was a story with two sides going on behind the scenes at the American Airlines Center—one that may have had less to do with a losing season and more to do with a sacred cow in the locker room.

Speculation? Absolutely.

Impossible? I wouldn’t bet on it.

Pros Score On Olympic Stage

Elbow Murderpants — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:07:32 -0400

With orientation camps for the Canadian and US Men’s 2010 Olympic ice hockey teams taking place in August, excitement for hockey has experienced a little late summer boost. And that’s always a good thing.

The NHL season is around two months away from full action, and it never hurts to get the hardcore fans talking stick-and-puck even if it is regarding an event (the Winter Olympics) that will happen well after the actual NHL 2009-10 begins.

Anytime sports fans ponder a gathering of the best players in a sport, you’re bound to get a little media buzz, and some spirited debate on who should make which team. For the loyal fans of hockey, this speculation is always a fun exercise. Almost like a fantasy draft.

Let’s face it, it’s been said many times: “people love lists.” Top 10 this, bottom five that, you name it, we like to make them. Especially sports fans. Heck, that’s essentially what Halls of Fame are for.

But along with the speculation about which pro players should play in the Olympics comes the inevitable argument on why pros should NOT be allowed to participate. Well I’d like to address this argument once and for all:

First off, the argument that it’s more interesting when the amateurs play: In hockey, at least, this is a ridiculous argument spurred on by the greatness of the "Miracle on Ice"—a once in a lifetime event that was particularly poignant because the Russians were essentially pros anyway. But if it's so compelling and exciting to watch the non-pros play, then why is there almost NO INTEREST in the World Junior Championships every year? Ratings are virtually non-existent in the US and, in some markets, they don’t even broadcast it. Most Americans couldn’t tell you where the US team placed after it’s over.

Players can get injured. One word: INSURANCE. If you don’t already see the advantages of getting back a more experienced player in return for the necessary risk of them getting injured, then you have to at least admit that offseason injuries are ALWAYS risky for the team. That’s why these players are so heavily insured. Seldom do more than a couple of players on each team get injured anyway, so the percentage is small to begin with. And don't even get me started on pre-season games.

If the pros don’t play then the gold medal is devalued. If you are going to hold a competition to determine who the “best in the world” are every four years, you’d better have the best athletes competing. If an amateur team wins the gold while better players are not competing, the gold has no real clout. When the best players play, the winners can, only then, claim genuine supremacy in the sport.

It makes the players better. Going up against the best players in the world raises the level of everyone who participates. The teams who have rights to these players benefit significantly from the experience their player(s) gain from this competition. And the players are often rejuvenated after it’s over, cherishing their chance to perform on the world stage.

It’s good for the sport. Seeing the best players in hockey compete improves the exposure of the game. If the US wins the gold, grass roots hockey gets a massive shot in the arm. If, for instance, Mike Modano scores the winning goal for team USA, the Dallas Stars get the dividend from his increased notoriety.

The players who go want to go. Representing one’s country in international competition, especially at the level of the Olympics, is an honor for all involved…from Bill Guerin to Evgeni Nabakov. If a player doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t have to. But, almost to the man, every player who has had the opportunity to compete in the Olympics has praised the opportunity.

A player has more responsibility to his pro team than his country? Rubbish. Playing for a pro team is about money. Playing for your country is a birthright and an issue of national pride. “God and country first,” as they say. You serve your country in the Olympics with much the same sentiment as you would serve your country in a time of war. Not for the money….Not for career…For your country! The fact that this “service” also benefits the players’ overall skill levels, their home team’s performance, and the sport as a whole, is a happy benefit of such commitment.

When they negotiate their next CBA, the NHLPA may decide not to participate in future Olympics. This will be a loss for the sport and the Winter Olympics, but it will be the players' right to decide. An Olympic gold in the sport of Ice Hockey will, alas, become meaningless—in the same way gold medals in Olympic basketball were before the Dream Team hit the stage. France or Germany could win the gold in the past, but everyone knew where the real "best team" was from. Additionally, the NHL will lose its most effective showcase, a showcase that does more to promote the game than any 10 exhibition games in London.

Because the competitions of other winter sports in the Olympics have never reached the level of the NHL, the athletes who compete and win their events can truly claim to be at the top of their sport. In Ice Hockey, however, they do not have this luxury without the full participation of the pros. Soccer has a World Cup that is, effectively, more important to the sport than the Olympics.

Hockey lacks a similar event, and therefore is left with the Olympics to act as a high-level international showcase for the sport. Take it away if you must, to protect the monopoly of the NHL, but I suspect we'll miss it when it's gone.

Dallas Stars: 08/09 Season Threatens to Burn Out Early

Elbow Murderpants — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 19:00:58 -0400

The marketing slogan for the Dallas Stars’ 2008/2009 seasons was something like: Our Team. Our Time.

Even though it’s a fairly tired sports cliché, you can forgive the marketing knobs within the organization for trotting out an old chestnut—after all, they were trying to peddle the necessary optimism to sell more tickets, but you have to wonder if you can say the same for the on-ice side of the team.

Let’s immediately address—and clear away—the obvious and mostly valid, excuses for the Stars struggles this season.

Injuries

Can any team claim a better excuse than losing their best defenseman and their team captain for the entire season?

Hardly.

With the loss of Sergei Zubov and Brenden Morrow you have a legitimate alibi for a less than stellar season.

Add to this, the loss of Alternate Captain, Brad Richards and center, Toby Petersen, and you effectively have yourself a potential “full pardon” for the sins of 2008/2009.

The Sean Avery Syndrome

The introduction of a locker room poison early in the season seems to have sealed the fate of mediocrity for the Stars.

Heck, it could happen to any club!

A team that does not play for each other has less chance for success than a 300 lbs. sprinter.

One can debate the actual value of Sean Avery as a hockey player, but no one can deny that he was never a bona-fide member of the Dallas Stars.

Players distracted by locker room turmoil more than likely find it tough to focus—as seemed to be the case with Marty Turco.

Few know for a fact, but the whole Avery ordeal seemed to bother Turco the most.

Don’t believe me?

The Stars won nine of 22 games with Avery on the team and then rattled off six wins out seven games as soon as Avery was gone. Much of this had to do with decidedly better play from Mr. Turco.

Coincidence?

I doubt it.

Lack of a powerful back up for Marty Turco

With Mike Smith driving Marty like an Iditarod husky, the Stars enjoyed a wonderful confluence that led to quite a few wins in the 2007/2008 seasons.

Without a feisty back up to keep Marty on his toes—and to provide a solid alternative when he needed a little rest from the grind—Marty seems to have fluctuated in and out of his usual stellar play.

Having one goaltender carry the load for an entire season is can be troublesome as the season wears on, especially when the team is in a vicious scrum for the last playoff spot in the conference.

There are other excuses one could make for the performance of the Stars this season: the conspicuous absence of Stu Barnes after his inevitable retirement for instance, but let’s look at some of the less obvious issues:

After decades trying to ride the Modano bus to glory—and one actually successful trip—the Stars organization and fans included, continue to saddle their hopes on the NHL’s original pretty-boy.

Management made a yeoman’s effort to get a younger skilled player when they sealed the Richards deal, but fell short in the off-season picking up Avery, a player that, good or bad, they didn’t need, not because of his personality, but because that element of their play was already covered and, at the very least, not the problem.

Admittedly, there wasn’t a lot to be picked up in the 2008 off-season, but the effort was dismal and misguided.

This is not to say that failure is a forgone conclusion for the Stars this year.

As they say, “Anything can happen.”

Still, with Dallas’ injuries, the sheer might of Detroit, the talent of San Jose and current momentum of Vancouver; you have to be realistically prepared for the worst.

When you live in the city of Dallas, you quickly learn that the hockey fans here are convinced that Mike Modano is one step below Zetterberg, Crosby, Gretzky or Lemieux.

“Ah, but he’s been great for all those years,” you say.

Let’s look at the stats of an old warrior named Mark Recchi: There are few hockey fans who would tell you that Mark was as good a player as the beloved Mike Modano, but take a look at the stats:

Mike has perched upon the golden pedestal of one organization his whole career, whilst Mark has become the kickball of the league, getting tossed over to new teams regularly and never getting a fraction of the praise, yet their numbers are very similar.

Why the double standard?

Perhaps it is Modano’s winning smile, because it sure isn’t his toughness in front of the net or maybe it’s his speedy bursts of fluid skating, because it sure ain’t his ability to hold on to the puck when another player puts the body on him.

Is Recchi the Rodney Dangerfield of hockey?

No, but he certainly doesn’t get the respect the mighty Mo gets.

Never mind that.

It’s been well established that Mike Modano is above criticism.

He skates from accountability easier than he skates to his own bench, but the real issue here is: How long do the Stars plan to invest their money in the Bank of Mo?

Who takes over for the anointed one once he’s gone?

These are questions no one in the Stars organization wants to answer.

This is understandable, because it may very well mean returning to the ranks of the mediocre to obtain higher draft picks.

Maybe they are thinking about it after all…

MRI Reveals Source of Marian Gaborik's Propensity for Injuries

Elbow Murderpants — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 07:17:27 -0500

A recent MRI by part-time Minnesota Wild medical consultant Dr. Arthur Wrightess has revealed one of the possible reasons why star forward Marian Gaborik is constantly besieged with injuries every season.

“We believe in the holistic approach to Marian’s rehabs,” Wrightess said. "We generally stick to carrot juice supplements and really hard prayer to get him back into game shape...but now, after missing almost 95 games in the last five seasons, we decided to look a little deeper.”

According to an unnamed hospital informant, the MRI revealed that Gaborik’s major joint areas, and some of his groin, are made of Legos^TM.

“The plastic toy inter-connecting block structures do not seem to hold up well to the movement and punishment hockey players usually subject their bodies to,” Wrightess said.

How Gaborik’s body became partially made up of Lego toy building blocks is a mystery to Minnesota’s team doctors.

“We have no idea,” reported one source within the organization.

In going forward, Dr. Wrightess plans a more aggressive approach to Gaborik’s rehabilitation.

“I’ve developed a new non-invasive technique involving duct-tape that I’m hoping Marian will respond well to. This, coupled with an intensive program of mystical incantations and Zulu healing chants, should speed up his recovery.”

The good news is that if Gaborik does not respond to Wrightess’s new treatment, there is a back-up plan involving the replacement of the Legos with larger Duplo^TM blocks.

“Duplo blocks respond a little better to body checks, so with the replacement we think we can cut Marian’s injury time down from 30 games per season to around 28 or 27 ½,” added Wrightess.

Another possible solution for the Gaborik injury dilemma is to trick another team into trading for him.

“For a short time there was hope that the Pigeons—er, I mean, ah—management in Atlanta would agree to swap Ilya Kovalchuk for Marian, but this if this whole Lego thing gets out, it might hurt us...there’s still a chance the Thrashers may go for it, though...we’re using Jedi mind tricks to try and keep the deal alive,” said a confidential source from within the Wild head office.

Gaborik, who tallied 83 points in 77 games last season, is a fairly impressive producer when he is not nursing an ailment, but there are those around the league that say he simply feels more comfortable with a 60 to 68-game season.

But that’s just a dirty rumor.

The Hockey News: Who Cares About Canada?

Elbow Murderpants — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 06:49:00 -0500

Ken Campbell of the Hockey News posted a diatribe criticizing Montreal Canadiens president Pierre Boivin when he, as Campbell put it, “carped” about the sagging Canadian dollar.

“…it was pretty pathetic” wrote Campbell.

Boivin, in a speech to Montreal's Board of Trade last week, was quoted as saying, “We better not return to the 78-cent dollar because we'll be in the same position we were before the lockout…If we calculate against an 80-cent dollar, we're not any further ahead than we were before the lockout."

In his disrespectful, journalistic spit at the state of Canadian NHL teams, Campbell at least correctly points out that the recent NHL/NHLPA collective-bargaining agreement, “…that was supposed to solve all the financial woes and create a competitive and financial utopia for all 30 teams was struck in July 2005…” when the average value of the Canadian dollar was 81.2 cents against the U.S. buck.

However, he apparently fails to understand that the lock-out was staged for one reason and one reason alone…to break the player’s union. Which it did. The owners, both US and Canadian, immediately went back to inflating player salaries with genius deals like the Scott Gomez contract.

In his article, (which can be viewed here: http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?page=campbell081125), Campbell then goes on to snivel about the what he evidently thinks is the unfair advantage of living in a country where economic Darwinism sometimes takes a back seat to social responsibility.

He jealously points a finger at the fact that the Canadian government came close to a bailout package for all six Canadian teams (Though the actual execution of this highly theoretical proposal was far from a forgone conclusion).

Unable to credit the importance of Canada, and Canadian fans to the sport of hockey, he mocks the six Canadian franchises saying that, “…many people have been led to believe (Canadian-based NHL teams) are the sole driving force behind any of the league's financial success since the lockout.

Then he whines, “Funny how these Canadian teams didn't mind greasing their palms with the American dollars that came with the Canadian Assistance Plan, one that forced big-market U.S. teams to prop up those north of the 49th parallel.”

“Forget also that Canadian teams get tax breaks all the time in the form of corporations that purchase tickets and write them off as a business expense,” he belly aches, “I know of one small businessman who buys a pair of Leafs season tickets every year and claims them as a business expense. He then sells off the majority of the seats for much higher than face value and makes a killing on them…What a country.”

Anytime someone starts a sentence with, “I know this guy…” you better grab the salt. For instance, I know this American salesman who takes his clients out on $5,000 strip-joint junkets and then writes it off as a business lunch.

The old “data-point-of-one-makes-a-trend” faulty logic comes flying form this guy’s sanctimonious head with little acknowledgement of the horrendous tax breaks given to the US corporate elite who pay sickening sums to CEOs of failing companies and then get bailed out by the US government, or the large number of corporate suites in various NFL, NBA and NHL venues that get written of as a business expense because they are “entertaining clients”.

And that’s not to mention the confusing episodes where rich, fat cats like Jerry Jones and Tom Hicks pawn off the lion’s share of the cost of new stadiums to Arlington taxpayers, who would usually rather die than suffer a new tariff.

“So,” he closes, “excuse us if we don't shed too many tears for the downtrodden Canadian franchises. And please, spare us if we ask the Mr. Boivins of the NHL to stop their blubbering.”

Sure…you wouldn't want to feel too sorry for Canadian franchises would you, Mr Campbell? Probably because you are too busy making excuses for pathetic American franchises that can barely hold themselves together. Nashville gets five mulligans as it circles the drain of financial failure, while Carolina, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, Buffalo, and Columbus struggle weakly to put butts in the seats.

The NHL will go the extra mile to protect poorly chosen American franchises and simply say "tough darts" to the Canadian ones then move them to the US (see Winnipeg & Quebec).

And every time a us team struggles or the TV ratings go down, you’ll hear Americans shrugging their apathetic shoulders and saying “Ahh, nobody cares about hockey anyway –it’s the fourth of four pro sports.” Then they take another useless swing at tricking up the rules of the game…to no effect.

Of course! To hell with the Canadian Teams - screw -em! All that matters is the USA.

Lord help any country that considers its own well-being over that of the Blessed US of A.

Talk about blubbering—It's too bad that it was the financial shenanigans of US mega corporations that have run the economy into the john. And let's not forget it was mostly American teams and an American biased Commissioner that orchestrated the lock-out and new CBA. But that doesn't count, does it? Screw Canada!

Let's put a hockey team in Kansas City… or better yet Oklahoma, a place where most people there wouldn’t know what a puck was, even if it hit them right in the pie hole.

Another fantastic plan would be to send all the Canadian players home - that way they could stop "greasing their palms with American money" and get jobs as lumberjacks. With the strength of the Euro, the NHL's baby steps across the Atlantic is another genius idea. However, this may give Mr. Campbell something more to cry about. And we wouldn't want that... would we?

Five "Burning" Questions for NHL 2008-09 (Humor)

Elbow Murderpants — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 09:50:49 -0400

A lot of sports pundits are presenting what they call their “Burning Questions” for this year’s NHL season. And while many, if not most, of these queries are indeed compelling, I think they sometimes fall short of the term “burning” questions—so I decided to put my own brand of Preparation H on the fire.

Here then, are my five (literally) burning questions for the 2008-9 NHL season.

1: How many times will Wade Redden get burned this season on the Rangers D? With a name like Redden you might get the feeling the guy was destined to be smoked a lot, but hey what’s in a name? Personally, I think Wade will perform admirably in NY and really dazzle his critics. In the end, the only thing that MIGHT get burned is the Senators management, but we’ll have to wait and see.

2: Will the sunburn Dion Phaneuf got on the beach with Elisha Cuthbert (Lucky Shmoe!) still be a distraction going into this season? I know it would for me…the game would be tied, and there could be three minutes left, and I’d be on the bench thinking, “Gee I wonder what Elisha is doing, she’s so hot and…oh man, I can’t believe I h…” Well, you get the picture.

3: What’s that burning sensation in Jack Johnson’s knee? If JJ has blown his knee in that freak golf cart accident, it’s a terrible burn for the St. Louis Blues (Dang... I mean Los Angeles Kings - sorry, Eric) who are really trying to get their team firing on all cylinders. Right now it looks to be okay, but you have to wonder if this will lead to a re-injury later in the season. In which case I think the Kings should burn JJ’s golf course membership card.

4: What’s that burning sensation in Roberto Luongo’s pants? Is he suffering from IBS again? Is his ass chapped because of the recent departure of Naslund and the guys? Or is he simply fired-up to lead the team this year? Luongo is a great professional, but I smell something burning on the Floridian home-front.

Mrs. Luongo seems to have no hot passion for the city of Vancouver as a place to raise her child, and that could translate to a pair of itchy, burning heals for Roberto in the near future and a mild distraction in the short(s).

5: Will Mike Keenan burn down another great goaltender and torch another team? (This fifth question was going to be: Will the KHL burn the NHL? But in my mind the NHL won’t skip a beat, sooo, back to Keenan)

I actually like Keenan, but the days of pulling goaltenders every time your moustache starts twitching are over. Goaltending, more so than any other position, is a confidence position. A net minder’s psyche is integral to his success and failure and as delicate as a crystal puck. You start pulling them willy-nilly, and you’re going to upset the very tenuous grasp that all goalies have on their sanity.

Next thing you know Kipper will be mumbling Finnish nursery rhymes at some bar and sleeping under the viaducts just north of Turku… or worse yet… playing in the KHL.

Ooooh, Buuurrrn!

The Wave: Bees Do It! Why Can't We?

Elbow Murderpants — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 05:00:54 -0400

According to LiveScience Staff Writer Clara Moskowitz, and a new scientific study, bees actually do the wave!

Apparently, giant honeybees are known to flip their bellies up en masse to create a giant wave called a shimmer, somewhat akin to humans rhythmically throwing their hands in the air in a wave at a football game.

I’m not what you’d call a football fan (though I do enjoy watching games), but the “wave" efforts I’ve witnessed lately—at both professional and college football games—are just not that impressive anymore.

That said, nothing is more pathetic than a wave attempt at an NHL game. Then again, hockey and its 18,000-odd fans probably shouldn’t be authorized to execute this maneuver. You need the sheer volume of fans that only a football (or European soccer) game can muster. (Besides, we hockey fans are too busy trying to get the waiter’s attention at the platinum lounge to engage properly.)

So the hot sports question is: Is the wave dying?

And, if bees can do the wave, how is it that a race of beings with our brain size can screw up such a simple trick?

Admittedly, some football fans are sporting an abdomen with the same proportionate size as a bumble bee’s, but that doesn’t quite explain the lackluster waves of the new millennium.

Could it be that—dare I say it—the tide has finally gone out on the wave? (Ouch!)

Have we, as sports fans, finally waved goodbye to this old tradition? (Ouch, ouch.)

Or have we simply gotten less intelligent than bees and forgotten how to do it?

(Nah...that’s crazy-talk. It’s just too simple...hmmm.)

It must be that we’re just to individual. We don’t share the collective consciousness that bees do. We argue over whom the quarterback should be, even though we all love our team.

All bees, for instance, agree that Tony Romo should be the quarterback for the Cowboys this year (and that he should date Jessica Simpson), but they also agree that if he blows many more first-round playoff games, they will sting him to death for the good of the team/hive.

Sports fans are not so definitive. Therefore, doing something as simple as the wave becomes infinitely more complicated for us.

“Should I rise now? Or will I spill my beer/nachos? Will I be the only one in my section to stand and end up looking like a wiener?”

So many things to consider...Then—whammo—the wave has passed your section. Hey, it’s understandable.

Still, as Moskowitz points out, the bees' wave isn't for recreation, but rather protection, a way to save their lives. Where as with us, the only life at stake here is that of the wave itself.

Radulov Counts His Blessings in the Russian League (Humor)

Elbow Murderpants — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 08:40:53 -0400

Predator-defecting forward Alexander Radulov is breathing a sigh of relief now that he has opted to play for a Russian team in their newly formed league. And who can blame him?

Who in the world WOULDN’T get tired of playing in the best hockey league in the world?

“I’m much more content now,” commented Radulov. “I’m now able to spend time with my family in the line for toilet paper and canned goods. And the lines are much shorter now that the Russian Mafia has taken over distribution and crowd control. Ha, Ha, Good Times…you know?”

After a reasonable 58 point season with Nashville, Radulov had every motivation to take his act back to Russia where he’s much happier getting up at 3 am on game days to participate in rigorous calisthenics before a hearty bowl of breakfast borscht at 5:00 and an ice water lake swim at 5:10.

“I have more time to think here,” said Radulov.

This is true, especially while he waits to use the team bench press. With only one machine, Alexander usually has at least two hours to reflect on his life and decisions.

Radulov says regular Joes like him get tired of trying to get past guys like Lidstrom and Phaneuf. It’s much easier to juke past a vodka soaked Kazakhstanian than it is to endure another game skating with the likes of JP Dumont and Jason Arnott.

And let’s face it, Rubles just “seem” like more. You get like 100 of them for about four American dollars. And they’re colorful.

With Pseudo-Capitalism firmly in place in Russia, it’s almost as nice in Izhevsk as it is in Nashville. I mean, what’s so great about “air conditioning” and “dentists” anyway?

“To me it just doesn’t feel right not to have the constant threat of being sent to Siberia.” mused a relaxed Radulov (to our translator). “Besides, with the stuff going on in Georgia, I’m afraid I might not get the call to join the skirmish if I’m in North America. I’m a simple guy—besides...I brought back enough pairs of jeans to make me famous!”

So when all is said and done and the two leagues are done fighting it out in court, it’s easy to understand why A-Rad made this move.

Still, I have a hunch he’s going to miss the barbecue in Nashville. In most people’s opinion, it beats the crap out of salted beef.

Mats Sundin Still Entertaining Offers, Besmirches Canucks

Elbow Murderpants — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 12:45:44 -0400

I pity the Vancouver Canucks. Though I hold no allegiance to the team, I do appreciate the efforts of any franchise that makes a genuine attempt to improve.

This was probably the hope of the Canucks when they endeavored to enlist the help of Mats Sundin and Pavol Demitra.

No word but “hapless” can be used to describe the Canucks' past efforts to better their team. From the horrid misuse of Cam Neely as a fighter to the doomed signing of Mark Messier, Vancouver has tried and failed every attempt to reach the elite status.

Now their earnest attempt to cover the loss of Marcus Naslund has been scuttled. Keep in mind, I write this in full confidence that Mats Sundin will either sign with another team (likely New York) or simply retire.

The quality of Mats Sundin as a hockey player is, in my opinion, self-evident. To question why Vancouver would offer him around $10 million per year for two years is a non-subject. The only question is, why are they leaving it on the table?

It’s clear that Mats is not really interested in having to stock up on umbrellas and move to “Raincouver” for even two measly years. Waiting in vain for Sundin to pass up $10 million a year is just embarrassing to the franchise.

Like a kid trying to bargain with his parents so he doesn’t have to go to school, Sundin is begging for another team to give him even a half decent offer so he can respectfully decline the Canucks generous offer.

Working diligently with his agent, Mats has been crafting counter offers and laundry list demands that, in his mind, would trump the prospect of playing in Vancouver.

Here is what he suggested to the Flyers:

•$2 million a year for two seasons

•A house

•A Harley with chrome headers

•A $1 million injury clause

His desire to play in Colorado is a little stronger, therefore he suggested a different deal might supersede the Vancouver offer:

•$1 million for one year

•A ride to the games

•Five cases of Orange Pop

•A new suit (a nice one)

•The Blue Ray DVD version of Batman

As many know, the team he really wants to finish his career with is the New York Rangers, ergo he tipped them to the fact that he might be willing to give more weight to their offer if they “out- bid” the Canucks with the following:

•He pays them $1 million

•Free popcorn

•A signed Jean Ratelle rookie card

•Tickets to Letterman for his cousins

•A bus pass (also good for subway)

Now while these offers may seem like a better deal than playing in Vancouver to some, I have to think this is just an insult to the organization. One that, at the very least, should compel the team to rescind their $20 million a year offer

Thank you, Tiger Woods: The NHL Needed a Wake-Up Call

Elbow Murderpants — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 11:41:23 -0400

You know, even though I partially think Tiger Woods was kidding when he smirked, "...I don't think anyone watches hockey anymore...", I'm actually glad he said it.

The truth is, he's probably pointing out the painfully obvious (with a pinch of overstatement).

Hockey will forever be the bastard step-child of the five major sports, especially in the south.

But this is a realization that Gary Bettman and the "Let's-try-to-meddle-with-the-game-to-convert-the-hockey-haters" committee refuses to acknowledge. They hopelessly, and clumsily, continue to "trick-up" the rules and structure of the game to try to appeal to fans who will never embrace it.

Deluded marketing departments have finally gone off their meds and started to overestimate their power to affect the Zeitgeist. They see other sports' fans as a flock of dirty pigeons in a giant Skinner Box that they can force to like hockey, by flogging them with such compelling incentives as Ice-Girls, pimped-out Zambonis, the promise of higher scoring, and side-show, pseudo-soccer shootouts to shorten the games. (Shorter, so "fringe fans" can make a late movie after the game.) (Pathetic!)

It's all been about as effective as a rubber nail so far.

The only way to "grow" the popularity of hockey is through "grass-roots" initiatives. Get American kids playing, get their parents fighting in the stands, and teach the Southerners how to put skates on their sandy bare feet.

Granted, that approach may be tougher than probability math, but it's the only way a vision like this can succeed. And, it's going to take some time. Sorry, Gary; you won't have this problem licked by the time the Versus contract expires.

Selling hockey to Baseball, Football, Basketball, or even Jai Alai fans, is like trying to sell veal to vegetarians.

The critic's spurious snivels of "I can't see the puck" and "there's too much fighting," or "there's not enough scoring" is similar to a child making excuses as to why they won't eat their peas.

It's just another way of saying, "It's not Football/Baseball/Rodeo."

Admittedly, the NHL committed a ridiculous act of self-flagellation by suspending an entire season just to break the NHLPA, but any baseball or football fan that "claims" that's the reason they don't like hockey is so full of dookie that their eyes are quite likely to be brown.

Two years later, the NHL owners who cried poverty were back signing players to $10 million dollar contracts and driving up the market value for talent, again. We, the loyal fans, bought it, even though we were the only ones truly getting boned.

We also "drank the Kool-Aid" when they told us they had to change the game to appeal to fringe fans, by not letting the goalies play the puck in the corners, erasing the red-line, and making neutral ice a "No-Touchy" zone. Now they want to enlarge the net and make the goalies go naked.

After all this bull-butter, scoring is not up appreciably, and the NHL playoffs can barely beat Kimbo Slice in a ratings cage match.

Meanwhile, the Jumbotrons have to go back at least four years to show highlights of a decent hit, and I'm paying loads more for a sticky seat.

There's no point retaliating by pointing out that golf has about as much appeal to me as a skin abrasion, (Confidentially, I'm joking... a skin abrasion is decidedly more stimulating) or that if the game of baseball was any slower, it might actually cause a time vortex that sucks you into the Pre-Cambrian.

Unlike the other sportsters, I make no excuses. I don't ask the NFL to put goaltenders in the end zones or suggest that the MLB allow body-checks to the batters. I just watch my sport and sit in wonderment of how the game could have survived, mostly unchanged, from 1917 until 2004.

Now, evidently, it's got to be "re-thought" — "re-vamped" — "re-packaged" and… well, "re-tarded".

Thanks Tiger, you spoke the truth— one can only hope the league listens and starts to see the game for what it really is.

Pete Forsberg, Adam Foote Return: Avalanche Learning from Past, or Repeating It?

Elbow Murderpants — Thu, 22 May 2008 09:28:10 -0400

In a time when most NHL teams are trying to move forward, (albeit slowly in the case of some -See NY Islanders) The Colorado Avalanche seem to be taking steps backwards.

Going back to the memory box is a nice way to burn a lazy evening, but using it as a building strategy for a hockey team is dubious at best.

Going into the playoffs the 'Lanche decided that even with very exciting young talents such as Paul Stastny, John Michael Liles and Tyler Arnason, they really needed to put the old band back together and return Adam Foote and Pete Forsberg to the dressing room.

Now it’s hard to argue that getting the old jersey on “Foppa” wasn’t a decent move, but it shows a desperation that doesn’t quite make sense considering the younger potential skating around Denver.

So now it may not seem that surprising that Tony Granato has been returned as coach of the Colorado Avalanche on Thursday, four years after he was demoted from the job.

Parting ways with Joel Quenneville, who the Avalanche said goodbye to around two weeks ago (by mutual agreement) was probably not a bad move, but this attempt to give Tony Granato a mulligan, along with their last few moves, has made their strategy seem like “one step forward – two steps back.”

It’s now somewhat easy to see what the next moves will be for the Avalanche:

Marc Crawford will be brought in as assistant coach.

Limited by the spotty play of Budaj and Theodore, Colorado will attempt to upgrade at that position, but will actually startle many by convincing Patrick Roy to return (with smaller pads).

In an effort to beef up their “D” Colorado will trade Liles for Rob Blake, pick up Sandis Ozolinsh and then put the full-court press on Deadmarsh and Bourque to come out of retirement.

To really get that "old days" feel back in play, they will make 2 VERY bold moves by reverting back to the Nordiques’ uniform but, (in an attempt to avoid complete confusion) they’ll change the team name to the Colorado Rockies.

To give their premiere leader a rejuvenating “shot in the arm” – the Av’s will literally give Joe Sakic a shot in the arm… a massive dose of hormones and four Botox treatments. Other teams will be completely fooled, thinking Joe has somehow returned to the age of 30.

Finally, the team will release reprinted calendars from 2001 and distribute them to the fans to reinforce the illusion of some kind of crazy time travel experience.

Unfortunately, the ticket prices will remain at 2009 levels.

Shrink Equipment, Maximize Goals—New Ways NHL Will Improve Scoring

Elbow Murderpants — Mon, 12 May 2008 11:54:33 -0400

Along with smaller equipment and bigger goals, here are some brilliant ways the NHL can continue to meddle with the game to improve scoring and ultimately send millions of non-hockey fans stampeding to the games like crazed lemmings.

So disband the committees, Gary! You need only implement ONE of these keen solutions today:

Force the goalies to cover one eye with a patch.
Limit the position to women only.
Take away the net-minders' skates—replace with skis!
Have the goalies start each faceoff from behind their opponent’s net.
Make Andre Racicot goalie coach for the entire league.
Make the pucks really small…and white.
Have one center on each team wear an orange helmet that indicates he can't be checked…or even insulted by the other team. (This will cut down on fights...which we also know part-time fans "hate"—They often show this hate by cheering wildly)
Remove the moorings, and let the net just slide around the ice during play.
Tie the goaltender's blocker to the cross-bar with a short bungee cord.
Allow scoring through the back side of the net.
Two Words: "Shooter Tutor" ...(This will save on salaries).

This will certainly save the game because we all know that "low scoring" is the one of the most important reasons why the majority of people prefer the other three sports...

Conflicting Views on NHL Goaltending Are Headed for a Day of Reckoning

Elbow Murderpants — Wed, 07 May 2008 09:48:51 -0400

Despite the NHL's Herculean efforts to "trick-up" the game and force-feed hockey to the baseball, football, and basketball masses; lovers of a good ol' net minder battle have been treated to some wonderful displays in both this year's playoffs and 2007's.

No matter how the league has limited the goaltender's freedom, these athletes continue to stone opponents regularly - resulting in not only low scoring games, but also several overtime nail-biters.

In Toronto on June 11th, 2008, members of the league and the players union will examine the size and configuration of existing goalie equipment. The reps include Doug Risebrough, Garth Snow, Jim Rutherford, Brett Hull for the NHL, and Marty Broduer, Rick DePietro, Ryan Miller, Dany Heatley and Michael Cammalleri for the players and goalies. This examination stems from the belief that reducing the size of goalie equipment WONT injure the goaltenders (much), but instead will imbue the forwards with more skill... or at least more of a target, and therefore, increase scoring.

Don't buy into the spin. The cockamamy band-aid fixes they have instituted so far have not solved the problem, so they are going back to the well to see if they can handicap the goalies a little more.

I'm not even going to waste time arguing whether higher scoring is going to somehow, magically turn on the "appreciation light" in the heads of American baseball, basketball or football fans. (Frankly, I think it's like trying to sell bikinis to Buddhists.)

And I'm not going to make a cheap joke about how, if every goalie in the NHL was as good as Garth Snow, there would be no need to change anything. (oops!)What I am going to point out is the conflicting expectations that are speeding head-on towards each other.

The NHL keeps saying it wants high-scoring games, but every time a goalie lets in 3 or more goals, he gets pulled like a sky-diver's rip-cord.There are more goaltenders on the unemployment lines than Detroit auto workers. All because they couldn't cover for some of the worst offenses in hockey, or because they had a GAA of over 4.0.

Sure some goalies will let in a stinker, but guess what? THEY ALL DO - even the best of them. It's nothing new. Show me one who doesn't and I'll pay him to dam up the Mississippi.

Carey Price gets shelled by a tough Philly offence and he rides the pine in game 4. Hasek loses a couple of games vs. Nashville and out he goes. Kiprusoff has a couple he'd love a do-over on and... bang - he's working the door from the end of the bench. The expectations that a goalie has to make saves like the US Coast Guard, no matter what the conditions are, have not changed. They've got to.

Here's a newsflash to the coaches (especially goalie-killer Mike Keenan) the league, the critics and the fans: If you're going to continue to effectively hobble net-minders by limiting where they can play the puck, allowing players to crash the net, making the net bigger and tying their blocker hand behind their back, then you better get your head right with higher GAAs, lower SV% and leaving a guy between the pipes after 5 or 6 goals.

You want to devalue "the goal" and turn hockey into a shinny game, go ahead. If you think that's gonna create insta-fans and convert the unbelievers, then you'd probably make Zig Ziglar seem like a chronic fatalist. And bully for you, but the truth is, it's one way or the other.

You can't have both, Mr. Heller.