Bleacher Report - Articles by Spenser T. Harrison

The Houston Texans Playoff Priority Number One: Success in the "Crucible"

Spenser T. Harrison — Fri, 29 May 2009 22:22:30 -0400

The Texans divisional record will undoubtedly be the single biggest factor in determining their playoff chances in 2009.

Since 2002, the AFC South has been the NFL’s toughest division outside of the NFC East, with the Texans bearing the brunt of that toughness. Since their inception the Texans have never finished higher than third overall in the division.

In fact the Jaguars are the only team within the AFC South that the Texans have been able to beat on a consistent basis, recording an 8-6 record against them. However their record against the Titans and Colts has been nothing short of abysmal at a combined four wins and 24 losses, with just one of those wins against the Colts.

This inability to beat divisional rivals has been the paramount failure of their brief history and biggest reason they have yet to see the playoffs. Last year was a microcosm of their historic divisional woes as the Texans had a 6-3 record outside of their division while posting a 2-4 record within.

Moreover we can’t forget the week five loss that was largely due to Sage Rosencopter's anti-heroics by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Largely aided by Sage’s three turnovers on the Texans last four possessions, the Colts delivered a crushing 17-point comeback victory in a mere 2:10.

Although the AFC South will remain a tough conference, there are some promising signs of opportunity for Texans fans.

First and foremost, the Texans continue to improve steadily in all areas of the game. Under Gary Kubiak and general manager Rick Smith the Texans have built a solid, youthful, foundation for the future on both sides of the ball.

The most important position on the field, QB, seems to be in very good hands with Matt Schaub. Probably the most asked question by Texan fans is—can the defense start to perform closer to the high standards set last year by the offense?

Secondly, and, equally important to the progress of the Texans, is the fact that the Titans and Colts have begun to show signs of weakness. What signs you might ask?

First off you'd be a fool to underestimate the impact Albert Haynesworth’s departure to the Redskins will have on the Titans defense. When Big’Al is healthy and willing, he is an unblockable force in the middle, freeing up those around him to make plays.

Take the case of Kyle Vanden Bosch. Prior to his tenure in Tennessee, Vanden Bosch compiled a measly 3.5 total sacks in four years with the Cardinals. Yet, in four years playing alongside Haynesworth, he racked up 35.5 sacks and two trips to the Pro Bowl.

If I were a gambling man I’d bet the under for Kyle’s sack total in 2009.

Matt Schaub is undoubtedly wishing Al nothing but the best in a new uniform, as 2009, will be the first time the Texan QB will not have to face the author of two of his worst injuries. Haynesworth had a nasty habit of crushing Schaub between the turf and his massive three-hundred pound frame.

Furthermore, Tennessee’s quarterback situation is in trouble with the continued absence of Vince Young.

Sure, Kerry Collins is a serviceable veteran, but one has to wonder how much longer his cannon arm can hold up on his 36 year old body. Plus, everyone but Kerry Collins knows he isn’t the answer at quarterback if the Titans hope to win a Super Bowl.

However, one can never count the Titans out of it, so long as Jeff Fisher is still leading the charge. The well-seasoned coach has made a career of over-achieving and getting the most out of his players.

In addition, Fisher and the Titans will still have a great rushing attack along with their ball-hawking secondary in 2009. Nevertheless, look for the Titans to slide a bit from their 13-3 record of last year.

We’ve also seen the first chinks in the Colts seemingly immortal armor, with the loss of Head Coach Tony Dungy. Dungy is a special type of coach and person, and it will be difficult to replace all the ways in which he affected his players.

There will be a leadership void in the Colts organization until someone else commands the respect that he had earned and deserved.

Additionally, one cannot fully calculate the direct role that Dungy had in turning a perennial cupcake defense into one of playoff caliber.

Few coaches or general managers have been as adept as Dungy at drafting defensive talents outside of the first round, highlighted by the acquisitions of Robert Mathis (fifth round), Bob Sanders (second round), Antoine Bethea (sixth round), and Gary Brackett (undrafted free agent).

In fact, only twice in his seven years with the Colts did Dungy take a defensive player in the first round, snagging pass-rushing terror, Dwight Freeney and a solid starting cornerback in Marlin Jackson. Similarly, Dungy knew how to pick up experienced players, sometimes under-priced, who were good fits in his cover two scheme.

Even though future Hall Of Fame receiver Marvin Harrison is gone, don’t expect it to have a big impact on the Colts offense. Although he was Mannings favorite target from the start, he's no longer at the top of his game and Peyton did just fine without him contributing much last year.

Another question the Colts must answer is how Peyton adjust to the challenge of not having offensive coordinator Rob Moore and quarterbacks coach Jim Caldwell—both of whom had been there since Manning was a rookie.

From Dungy on down—there is lots of turmoil and change for the QB to assimilate and manage.

So, if the big boys of the AFC South are ready to be challenged, where does this all lead? Fans can look forward to the “Crucible.” From November 8th to December 6 (weeks 9-13) the Texans play four consecutive games against their division rivals.

This run culminates with the conclusion of their divisional schedule against the Jaguars in week thirteen.

Aside from an unexpectedly terrible start that derails their season from the onset, a 3-1 result would set them up nicely for the four remaining games of the schedule. Even going 2-2 would likely leave them in contention as their remaining schedule looks favorable with games against the Seahawks, Rams, and the Dolphins.

Moreover, the final game of the regular season will be against a Patriots team that will likely have their playoff spot locked up. But, if the Texans take care of business during the “crucible” they shouldn’t have to hope for a late Christmas gift come week 17.

Fortunately, during this difficult stretch, the Texans have a well-placed bye during week ten. This should allow them to get focused and healthy for the huge Monday Night home game against the Titans in week eleven as well as the ensuing divisional games.

Thus, the Texans mid-season “Crucible” of four consecutive divisional games will likely determine the fate of their playoff chances in 2009. If they do well, this test may vault a young team to their first playoff appearance, and set a standard that they can aspire to for years to come.

Texans Playoff Priority Number One: Success in the "Crucible"

Spenser T. Harrison — Wed, 27 May 2009 17:51:32 -0400

The Texans divisional record will undoubtedly be the single biggest factor in determining their playoff chances in 2009.

In fact the Jaguars are the only team within the AFC South that the Texans have been able to beat on a consistent basis, recording an 8-6 record against them. However their record against the Titans and Colts has been nothing short of abysmal at a combined four wins and twenty-four losses, with just one of those wins against the Colts.

On the bright side, the Texans have begun to show signs of improvement by playing the Colts close, in what used to be a twice a year guaranteed drubbing. In their last four losses to the Colts, three of them have been by six points or less.

Moreover we can’t forget the week five loss that was largely due to Sage Rosencopter's anti-heroics by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Largely aided by Sage’s three turnovers on the Texans last four possessions, the Colts delivered a crushing 17-point comeback victory in a mere 2:10.

Although the AFC South will remain a tough conference, there are some promising signs of opportunity for Texans fans.

Secondly, and, equally important to the progress of the Texans, is the fact that the Titans and Colts have begun to show signs of weakness. What signs you might ask?

You'd be a fool to underestimate the impact Albert Haynesworth’s departure to the Redskins will have on the Titans defense. When Big’Al is healthy and willing, he is an unblockable force in the middle, freeing up those around him to make plays.

If I were a gambling man I’d bet the under for Kyle’s sack total in 2009.

Furthermore, Tennessee’s quarterback situation is in trouble with the continued absence of Vince Young. Sure, Kerry Collins is a serviceable veteran, but one has to wonder how much longer his cannon arm can hold up on his 36 year old body. Plus, everyone but Kerry Collins knows he isn’t the answer at quarterback if the Titans hope to win a SuperBowl.

However, one can never count the Titans out of it, so long as Jeff Fisher is still leading the charge. The well-seasoned coach has made a career off over-achieving and getting the most out of his players.

We’ve also seen the first chinks in the Colts seemingly immortal armor, with the loss of Head Coach Tony Dungy. Dungy is a special type of coach and person, and it will be difficult to replace all the ways in which he affected his players. There will be a leadership void in the Colt’s organization until someone else commands the respect that he had earned and deserved.

Additionally, one cannot fully calculate the direct role that Dungy had in turning a perennial cupcake defense into one of playoff caliber.

Few coaches or general managers have been as adept as Dungy at drafting defensive talents outside of the first round, highlighted by the acquisitions of Robert Mathis (fifth round), Bob Sanders (second round), Antoine Bethea (sixth round), and Gary Brackett (undrafted free agent).

Peyton Manning will still be a top level QB, and he will have the myriad of weapons he's used too—Anthony Gonzalez, Dallas Clark, Joseph Addai, Reggie Wayne, and newly added running back, Donald Brown.

Even though future Hall Of Fame receiver Marvin Harrison is gone, don’t expect it to have a big impact on the Colts offense. Although he was Mannings favorite target from the start, he's no longer at the top of his game and Peyton did just fine without him contributing much last year.

From Dungy on down—there is lots of turmoil and change for the QB to assimilate and manage.

So, if the big boys of the AFC South are ready to be challenged, where does this all lead? Fans can look forward to the “Crucible.” From November 8 to December 6 (weeks 9-13) the Texans play four consecutive games against their division rivals. This run culminates with the conclusion of their divisional schedule against the Jaguars in week thirteen.

Profiling the Texans' 2009 Coaching Staff

Spenser T. Harrison — Wed, 27 May 2009 17:23:16 -0400

On January 2nd, 2006 the Houston Texans fired Dom Capers following a dreadful 2005 season culminating in a last place finish and a 2-14 record. Less than a month later on Jan. 26, 2006 the Texans ushered in a new era with the hiring of Houston native Gary Kubiak. Kubiak was brought in to inject the struggling franchise with some of the winning pedigree he helped build in Denver. However, he’s gone far beyond just bringing the playbook and a winning attitude during his four-year tenure as Texans head coach. In fact, Kubiak also brought Alex Gibbs (former Broncos offensive line coach), Kyle Shanahan (son to Kubiak’s mentor Mike Shanahan), Rick Smith (former head of Broncos Player Personnel, and current Texans GM) and Frank Bush (former Broncos Assistant) along for the ride. After bringing so many pieces of the Denver system with him to Houston it’s no surprise why some people have begun to call the Texans, Denver South. But so long as the team continues to improve every year, as it has, you won’t hear anyone in the Bayou City complaining. Although the playoffs have eluded Gary Kubiak and his Texans thus far, their consistent improvement has transformed the team from the NFL’s doormat franchise into an up-and-coming force to be reckoned with. Regardless of the past, the Texans believe their time is now and that 2009 is a playoff year. So, with that fanfare, let me introduce you to a few of the coaches that will play a determining role in whether or not the Texans playoff dreams become a reality.

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For the Playoffs to Be a Reality in 2009 the Houston Texans Must Win Close Games

Spenser T. Harrison — Thu, 21 May 2009 06:35:38 -0400

From year to year, the ability to win close games is a constant attribute of playoff teams in the NFL. Unfortunately, the Texans haven’t figured this out yet, which is a big reason why they’ve stayed home every January since their inception in 2002.

Although the Texans have improved in nearly every phase of the game during Gary Kubiak’s reign, they still haven’t found a way to win close games. In fact during his three-year tenure as head coach the Texans have lost nine games by six points or less.

Now considering the Texans have posted back-to-back 8-8 seasons under Kubiak one can clearly see the difference winning those close games can make for this team.

No match up has highlighted this deficiency more than that of the divisional rival Titans. In seven years the Texans are a mere 3-11 against the Titans with six of those eleven losses coming by a touchdown or less.

If the Texans hope to make the 2009 season their first dance with the playoffs then they’ll have to fix this problem immediately.

While a big part of their previous inability to “seal the deal” could be attributed to their relative youth and inexperience, that excuse is now gone. Despite being the second youngest team in the NFL last year the Texans finished the season ranked third overall in offense, despite playing the season with two quarterbacks.

With the continued experience and gelling of their youthful offensive foundation there shouldn’t be any reason they take a step back this year. Yet even their surprisingly stellar offense last year couldn't carry them into the playoffs for the first time.

So if they want to be singing a playoff tune this year, they can’t let close games slip away from them as they have so many times in the past. In order to do so it’s imperative that they find a way to limit turnovers.

Turnovers have absolutely killed the Texans chances of winning close games during Gary Kubiak’s tenure. Last year it didn’t get any better as the Texans led the league in interceptions thrown between Matt Schaub and Sage Rosenfels. Moreover, since Kubiak has been at the helm the team has posted an atrocious combined turnover margin of -26. In fact during this three-year span they’ve finished the season ranked 29th, 31st, and 21st in turnover differential.

No NFL team can expect to be playing in January while turning the ball over that much. Note that of the twelve teams to make the playoffs last year only two (the Vikings and Falcons) posted a negative turnover differential. Both were bounced from the playoffs in the first round.

Another glaring weakness and contributing factor to their inability to close out games is their defense. While their offense has improved mightily under in the last three years their defense has yet to do the same. In the last three years the Texans have finished the season no higher than 22nd in points allowed per game and they’ve never finished a season having averaged more points scored than allowed.

However the Texans are hoping that a change in defensive philosophy (more "big" plays) under new defensive coordinator Frank Bush, as well as, a slew of personnel additions can change that.

In just three years Gary Kubiak and Rick Smith have turned the Texans around from an NFL doormat into a competitive franchise. They’ve done so by building a solid foundation of young players on both sides of the ball. If they can continue to improve and gel, they should be able to correct a lot of their youthful mistakes, and finish off close games.

In fact last year's week six, fourteen, and fifteen victories offer a glimmer of hope that the Texans are finally learning how to do so. In those three games the Texans were able to beat the Packers in Lambeau, as well as, the playoff bound Titans and Dolphins, by a combined five points. Those victories should give Texans fans a reason to believe that their youthful team is finally finding a way to win close games, that have so often eluded them in the past.

However, if they want to continue an upward trend this year they’ve got to improve their defense and limit their turnovers. If not, then the Texans will yet again be watching the playoffs from home. And Gary Kubiak will be under pressure that none of us would want.

Interview With Super Mario

Spenser T. Harrison — Mon, 18 May 2009 04:28:09 -0400

1) North Carolina, your home state, has been a hotbed for great pass rushing talents; Reggie White, Lawrence Taylor, Julius Peppers, and you. What’s in the water over there?

2) Is there any former player in particular you looked up to as a kid and tried to emulate throughout your career?

3) Did you in any way expect the intense negative outcry among a large majority of the national media when the Texans drafted you with the first pick overall in 2006?

4) Has proving the naysayers wrong been a major source of motivation for you both now and in the future?

5) If so, would you consider the negativity surrounding the pick a blessing in disguise, as it will always be there to push you?

6) Let’s go back to your first home game with the Texans. What was going through your mind as you sat in the tunnel waiting for your name to be called?

7) As we know full well you played through a painful plantar fasciitis your rookie season. What kept you from using that as an excuse, while people pointed to your low rookie sack total as justification for a draft day blunder by the Texans?

8) How did it feel to score your first NFL touchdown during the opening game of your sophomore season? Did you see it as a sign of better things to come?

9) You’ve said before that getting snubbed from the Pro Bowl in 2007 didn’t bother you as you likened the voting to a popularity contest. What was it like to get the invite in 2008?

10) As it stands you have 6.5 sacks in the two prime time games you’ve played. What is it about playing under the lights, in front of a national audience, that brings the best out in you?

11) Were you glad the Texans decided to choose the new defensive coordinator from in house and what do you think Frank Bush will add?

12) What do you see as the key differences between Matt Schaub and David Carr.

13) What would you consider your best and worst moments as a Texan thus far in your career?

14) How did it feel the first time you got your paycheck from the NFL, and what was the first thing you bought?

15) Besides being paid, what are the other benefits of playing professionally as opposed to collegiately.

16) What do you miss most about playing college football?

17) Now, let's move off the football field for a moment. As we know you're quite the gun enthusiast, so do you prefer hunting or the shooting range?

18) As a self proclaimed “country man,” were you glad that you were drafted by a “southern” team?

19) What’s your favorite southern meal?

20) We know Amobi Okoye is every bit as smart as he is big. Do you think you could ever beat him in a game of scrabble?

21) Have you always been the biggest guy since you were a kid, and if so how did that affect your hide-n-go seek skills?

22) Have you ever been overseas? If not, are you hoping the Texans get a game in London in the next few years?

23) Last question and I’ll let you go. Who is the best basketball player on the Texans?

How the NFL Could Use a 17th Game

Spenser T. Harrison — Tue, 12 May 2009 06:51:01 -0400

As many of us are aware the annual owners' meeting in March included serious discussion on increasing the regular-season schedule from 16 to 17 games. They plan on doing so by reducing the number of preseason games from four to three. Regardless of the opinions from fans, writers, and players it’s more than likely that the owners will agree to do so. This would mark the first time in NFL history that the season would have an odd number of games; previously going from 12, to 14, to 16. So I got to thinking that this would be a perfect situation to give the fans and teams some type of legitimate benefit out of it. I’ve always believed one of the few things the NFL has lacked in comparison to college football is rivalries. Sure rivalries exist in the NFL (and some very heated ones), but as a whole they are not nearly as intense or widespread as they are in college football. Especially since the re-alignment when moved some franchises into completely different divisions and conferences. In college football every team has a rival that they square off against year after year. Moreover the majority of their rivalries are based on simple geography. What the NFL lacks the great inter-state or border-state rivalries that the NCAA has produced. Therefore I thought that the 17th game would be the perfect situation for the NFL to create some. My idea is that the NFL should use the 17th game (or the first however they want to do it) for non-conference rivalry games, with the home team altering every year. Thus, I’ve created what I believe would be the best match ups. For the very select few that don’t seem to share any geographic or historic commonalties, well tough luck, over time after playing year in and year out they would develop their own. So without further adieu, here are the match-ups I believe would work best.

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Boxing: Poetry In Motion

Spenser T. Harrison — Sat, 09 May 2009 17:46:19 -0400

THE KING (DON KING)

Convicted felon and killa,

Re-born and self-made in Manila,

Into the connoisseur of the con.

Atop his scheming skull, an iconic grey crown,

Withered and weathered from the past,

Albeit still hell bent,

On the infinite accumulation of dead presidents.

A nefarious fusion of venerate vernacular and primitive thuggary

Exploiting patriotism as a vicious virtue,

Ruthlessly soliciting it to the foolhardy soul.

A politician of the streets,

He’s covered, in a bogus beaurcratic veil.

Masquerading, as a champion of the disenfranchised,

A one many army, plundering the spoils of a sweet science.

His followers are bound not by bondage, servitude, or faith,

But to an inculpable economic covenant.

In truth, he’s The Duke of Deceit, The Sultan of the Swindle,

And his magic lies,

Are his people ties.

THE HITMAN

Dropping opponents; body shot after body shot,

The Hitman had never been caught.

He’d beat the best,

Until there were two opponents left.

Only the two best remained,

And Ricky believed his flawless record would stay the same.

A victory claimed in every previous bout,

Until Pretty Boy and Pac-Man, knocked him the f**k out.

PBF

He’s American as steak and taters,

An occupation built on shakin off haters,

Until he gets enough money, to yell "Check you later!".

Making a living of the tussle,

Using speed, style and grace, he doesn't overwhelm with muscle,

To victimize opponents in his never ending hustle.

They can call him pretty

But he’ll leave em’ in the ring looking s****y.

Blessed with a sick jab,

And the gift for gab.

He’ll rock the boat,

When there’s a fight to promote.

Leaving critics and opponents hoping he’ll eat crow,

But it always ends with Floyds saying “I told you so.”

Some dislike his mouth, money, the love for bling & finer things,

But so are the spoils of being the King,

And he proves why every time he steps in that Ring.

How The Darrius Heyward-Bey Pick Went Down.....

Spenser T. Harrison — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:00:07 -0400

*This was the most recent picture of Al Davis I could find*

Enough already about the Sanchez deal right? The real shocker was the Raiders selection of Darrius Heyward-Bey. Well, I've got the inside scoop on how the Raiders pick went down.

Mind you, I don't have the exact timing down, since the Raiders are a shadowy organization so it's a rough estimate....

5:00 p.m. (ET). The call of "The Raiders are on the clock" echoes through the dark chambers of hell, known as McAfee Coliseum. The Crypt Keeper, arises from his tomb, and summons Tom Cable.

5:03 p.m.: Tom Cable rushes in immediately, making sure not to look him directly in the eye for fear of being fired on the spot. Al Davis instructs Tom Cable to give him a list of the 40-yard-Dash Times.

5:05 p.m.: After crawling out of his crypt and taking off his cloak he nod slightly...... He's got an idea.

5:06 p.m.: Al Davis picks up the phone, and calls Usain Bolt. The conversation goes something like this.

Usain picks up, to silence......

Usain: "Hello? Who is this?"

AD: a long deep breath (as if it could be his last) "itssss AAAAALLL Daaaviss. Would you like to play receiver for the Oakland Raiders?!?"

Usain: "I thought you were dead"

AD: "Not yet my friend. Although my soul died decades ago, I've been cursed to carry my frail, undead body, amongst the living. I'm hell bent on destroying the once proud legacy of this franchise and my soul cannot rest until I do so. Will you play for me young one, so that I can carry out this task?"

Usain: " No thanks, I'm a track star not a football player, and I can't catch"

AD: "I know. But you'll learn to have good hands. We have a storied history of developing young talent; are you familiar with Fabian Washington, Michael Huff, Philip or Buchanon? Like you they too lacked actual football skill but were blessed with phenomenal speed"

Usain: "Look old, man. I'm higher than Todd Marinovich right now, and I'd rather eat these ever delicious chicken nuggets than waste my time talking to your decrepit ass"

Usain hangs up......

5:08 p.m: Al decides to go with plan B. He picks up the list Tom Cable brought him and points to the fastest 40-yard-dash for a WR, and instructs them to choose him accordingly. His minions blindly carry out the order, without a retort.

5:09 p.m.: The Raiders select DHB, and judging by his reaction and that of his family no one was ready.

Immediately after the initial shock the legion of Raiders fans who were busy pre-ordering their Crabtree jerseys, go into a frenzy trying to justify the pick and explain why it was right. In their minds he is the next Randy Moss; just without the hands, size, and overall talent.

But geez, can he sure run in a straight line fast.

And maybe just maybe it will work, but then Al Davis will continue to walk amongst the living and your team will be doomed toward failure or mediocrity at best.

So let us hope that it doesn't, and Al Davis's final task for Lucifer is finished. May he finally rest in peace, so that Raider Nation can too.

Besides it's the Broncos turn now to be a dismal, broken down facade, of a once proud franchise..........

The Bleak Future Of ESPN's NFL Draft Coverage

Spenser T. Harrison — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 03:17:33 -0400

As the draft is just a few days away, I thought it would be a great chance to talk about the bleak future and rapid decline of ESPN’s draft coverage and analysis. And in my humble opinon I attribute 94.75% of this to one man; Todd McShay.

Apparently Todd McShay was brought in to single-handedly crap on the legitimacy (there wasn’t much to start) of the pre-draft analysis. It's as if the devil of sports created Todd McJudas himself, just to betray and destroy the pre-draft prophet that is Mel Kiper.

In his brief career Todd McShay has made a living suckling the knowledge off the draft tit that is Mel Kiper. He is a fraud, and it's an affront to Mel’s glory to even have them share the same spotlight.

While Mel has his faults, and has made his mistakes (Mike Williams most notably), at least he adds a flair and excitement to the draft not duplicated elsewhere. He transformed the coverage of the draft, as we know it to a year round business.

Although he does a fantastic job of predicting what rounds people will go in, and how they will fit into the NFL, it’s the way he presents it that makes it entertaining; even though he’s not trying to be.

Listening to Mel Kiper talk about the draft is like listening to a kid talk about Christmas morning; he's been waiting all year, and excited as hell its back.

Todd on the other hand always seems to be talking to me in this fake, lathargic voice, as if he's 100% serious about the lackluster information he's about to feed us. If you don't know what you're talking about, which he doesn't, then at least entertain me.

Perhaps he should finish his segments with a jig, or come everyday in a different costume like Clinton Portis. At which point I would enjoy Todd as much as anyone else.Because at the end of the day mock drafts are a supreme waste of time to begin with.

No one outside the team holding the #1 pick knows who the hell their gonna draft. Ultimately it's all a giant crapshoot. If these teams knew they wouldn't spend the better part of five months discussing it, scouting hundreds of player, and then talk the whole ten or fifteen minutes during the draft to decide; I really hate when they do that.

Which is why I've always believed anyone with a computer and a vague sense of football can make a decent one. Thankfully, ESPN soldified that belief with the hiring of Todd McShay and his continued employment there.

In reality the true purpose of a mock draft is to get writers and fans alike to complain and moan at each other about how “stupid” their picks are, as we pass the time, longing for the football season to start anew.

But, me, I used to look forward to the end of football season as painful as it seemed at the time. Why? Because I knew that right after the Pro Bowl, my TV screen would once again be continually graced with the legend that is Mel Kiper.

However, for some unfathomable reason, ESPN has decided to shit all over Mel’s work and bring in this no talent ass clown. I’m still dumbfounded as to why the hell ESPN decided they needed two of these guys anyway.

Do we need a second opinion on pure speculation? Or maybe they’ve always wanted two “draft gurus” and no one else had the testicular fortitude to stand in the ring with Mel. Perhaps they’re even trying to groom him to take over one day.

But therein lies the ultimate folly my friends, because there can only be one highlander.

It’s clear by his hiring and those of Emmitt Smith, Rush Limbaugh, Merrill Hoge and Stephen A. Smith, that ESPN doesn’t care about true in depth analysis, but rather just another talking head or recognizable face to fill time. That's fine fine with me; they’re entitled to run their organization however they want, but please don’t try to insult us by portraying these guys as experts.

At least they had the decency to fire a few of those aformentionted pin heads. But we're left with Hoge using the word "dynamic" fifteen times to describe a player and the the worst of all, Todd McShay.

Yet, Merrill Hoge's prescence is miniscual at best, where as McShay gets an entire three months, with daily facetime, to spew his ridiculous rhetoric in our faces.

Perhaps ESPN hopes that, by force-feeding McShay down our throat, we’ll inevitably be forced to accept him and his “analysis.” Or that we'll begin to hate the draft coverage so much that we'll demand the draft be moved to March 1st, the season lengthened, and for it to start in April.

Either way ESPN's sad attempts at legitimizing this guy as anything more than a hack haven't worked on me. For instance they claim his ESPN bio, that Todd McShay’s analysis is "used and relied on by numerous NFL teams". Now if that’s not a ceiling high, load of bullshit I just don’t know what is.

NFL teams that know what the hell they are doing don't waste their time consulting with analysts from a TV show, no matter who they are.

It's an insult to our intelligence for ESPN to claim that with a GM, numerous scouts, and even more coaches, any NFL team would rely on talking heads from their channel.

The truth is, Todd McShay is nothing special (nor is Mel Kiper for the most part as much as I love him), and he brings no real in depth knowledge to the field.

Anyone on this website could do what he does, without the amount of "assistance from others" that he seems to deem necessary.

Although he has single-handedly tried to steal Mel Kiper’s thunder, no one is immune to his draft knowledge thievery. For information on that, read this great article written by Matt McGuire.

Before I digress, I must point out some of Todd’s particular points of idiocy in his short career.

Example A—Todd’s First Draft Analysis for ESPN in 2006

For the better part of a week, Todd McShay assured us (to the contrary of Michael Smith’s in depth reports; something people call journalism) that the Texans were merely blowing smoke up the NFL’s ass with the talk of drafting Mario Williams instead of Reggie Bush. Then the unthinkable happens—they strike a deal with Mario before the draft.

Now prior to this seemingly unannounced pick, Todd McShay had Mario Williams rated as the top defensive end and player on the defensive side of the ball in the entire draft.

In fact in all of his mock drafts, Mario Williams was projected no lower than sixth to the 49ers and as high as second to the Saints.

He called him a “freakish combination of size, speed, and athleticism, and a perfect fit as a traditional end in a 4-3 defensive scheme.” After the draft when ESPN has their "analysts" hand out meaningless draft grades, without any player having seen an NFL field yet, Todd McShay had this to say:

“A special talent like Bush does not come along very often. When blessed with the opportunity to obtain such a franchise-changing talent, passing simply cannot be an option. You pay the extra money, endure the additional hardship, and modify existing schemes in order to make it work."

He went on to say the "fans" wanted and deserved Bush.

Now obviously this one has blown up in his face, as it did 99 percent of the pundits out there.Mario has already proven that he was worth the pick and has clearly produced more than Reggie Bush.

But that isn’t even where I fault him, because everyone can make such a mistake. The real fault lies in his sad justification as to why they should have taken Reggie Bush instead.

He argues that a team should pay extra money, endure additional hardship, and modify their team for a particular player just to appease the fans. That's how bad organizations are run Mr. McShay. Prior to 2006 the Texans were a poorly run franchise.

Yet the truest example of poor analysis and overall lack of sports knowledge lies in his last sentence of this asinine diatribe.

“You don't pass on Michael Jordan simply because Sam Bowie fits a bigger need—just ask the NBA's Portland Trail Blazers.”

First off, no one single player will change a franchise in the NFL, outside of a quarterback, like a single player can in basketball.

Secondly, defensive end was a need for the Texans as they ranked bottom four every year in sacks, and have to play Peyton Manning twice a year. Moreover, he should have known that Gary Kubiak comes from a system that does not take running backs in the first round.

Lastly he compares Mario Williams to Sam Bowie.

Apparently Todd McShay forgot that Houston also held the No. 1 pick in the 1983 NBA draft and indeed passed on Michael Jordan for the Hall of Famer and two-time champion Hakeem Olajuwon; so perhaps it's in their nature to do bold things.

Sure Hakeem wasn’t Jordan, but no one will ever be. But, he did bring Houston their only championships and no one lambasts the Rockets for the move (then or now) as he was one of the best players and centers to ever play. And most importantly Reggie Bush was never a Michael Jordan-esq player.

Sure he could run for alot of yards against Fresno State, Arizona State, Washington, or any one of the sad, pouros defenses that permeate through the Pac-10. That shouldn't be to hard when you have a great offense line, one of the better college quarterbacks in history, and a bruising compliment running back to shoulder the load.

If Reggie was even the top back at USC, why wasn't he on the field during the 2006 Rose Bowl game, when it was fourth and one with the opportunity to seal it?

Example B:(courtesy of Mark McGuire) “Well last year on an ESPN Sportscenter special, they thought it would be a fun idea to go old school-new school and have Kiper vs. McShay draft debates. They were talking about where Brady Quinn would fall in the draft and it went something like this....

McShay: "Brady Quinn, in my opinion, is not worthy of being a top 10 draft pick. He really struggled in the Sugar Bowl..."

Kiper: "Then why is he seventh on your board?"

McShay: (Silence, blank stare, and he was pretty much in shock because there was no way around that response. Kiper basically made McShay look like the preschool draftnik-wannabe that he is.)

Example C:

At the beginning of the 2008 season, Todd McShay made a 2009 Mock Draft with only seniors, (for some awful reason ESPN does this).

His No. 1 was Fili Moala going to the 49ers. Now anyone is prone to a miss, but had he any knowledge of the NFL, he’d know that the 49ers are in need of a QB (regardless of what they tell you), and that they had just drafted Kentwan Balmer.

Moreover, even if they didn’t want a quarterback it is nearly impossible for NFL teams without a true starting quarterback to not draft one with the No. 1 pick. Either way, good Ol’ Fili isn’t even projected as a first day pick anymore.

Example D:

Once again this year, Todd decides to let his "creative" juices flow and put no real thought into this mock draft. He decides to have the Texans picking Mark Sanchez at 16. Now this is borderline retarded on two levels.

First of he shows that Sanchez was nowhere near his top ten, as he is now. Fine. Ok. I can deal with that I guess.

But next time, when you want to just throw random picks out there Todd, at least of some semblance of truth or justification. The Texans have just recently given up picks, and 40+ million dollars to Matt Schaub. Last year they had the third rated offense in the league.

So clearly they are looking to start all over with Mark Sanchez. It's not like Gary Kubiak has a job to keep.

I rest my case, and hope that we can all realize that McShay is a fraud. Since not everyone can change to the NFL Network and watch Mike Mayock instead of this bafoon, when Mel's not around, something should be done.

Furthermore Todd McShay's mock drafts always seem to be eerily similar to that of Kiper or Mayock anyway, so he has no real use or value. So it could even be a worthwhile buisness decision for ESPN.

What kind of world are we living in where we stand by and watch a clown steal the thunder and glory of actual professionals?

If action is not taken, Mel Kiper will eventually be phased out and we'll never again be able to find such a lucious, mesmerizing, and remarkably kept head of hair.

Examination Of The American Football Fan: Part III, NFL Fans

Spenser T. Harrison — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 01:08:48 -0400

I thought I’d continue my examination of the American Football Fan, with some specific NFL fans.

The groups listed here have distinguished themselves above other NFL fans for one reason or another and deserve their own review. While I’m surely missing some great groups of fans out there (sorry Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Green Bay, Chicago, New York) these few have gone above normal fandom or sunk below the line of rationality in doing so. Enjoy….

Oakland Raiders:

Ahhhh yes the one stadium a star-wars nerd can go to and feel at home. A never-ending Halloween extravaganza filled with every ghoul, goblin, murderer, monster, or maniac one can fathom; hell it’s even run by the crypt keeper himself.

But through all their costumes and crazy clothing these are grown men, who treat the Raiders like an entity that they must protect at all times. Attending a Raiders game is like venturing into a bad neighborhood; you better not wear the wrong colors.

Although Raiders fans generally come off as blindly-patriotic, lacking any objectivity, and down right idiotic in their expectations of the team from year to year don’t be fooled.

This is a knowledgeable bunch of fans, they just don’t give a shit about your team, and like the Russian government they will never admit a weakness even as the walls crumble around them.

Please, for the well being of yourself and those around you do not approach a Raiders fan with anything but appreciation for his team. Not only do they have a short fuse but they are almost always armed with a knife, blunt object, or some sort of prison shank they made whilst inside.

The “New” Patriots Fan:

I say “new” because this rant is directed towards all you post-Parcells era Patriots fans who had no love for this team prior to 2001. As for those that have been loyal followers before the Belicheck era, well keep on doing what you do, I have no beef with you.

If you claim to be a Patriots fan and aren’t familiar with names such as, Tony Eason, Irving Friar, Craig James, Mike Haynes, and Ben Coates (and those are relatively modern guys so there’s no excuse) or have no clue that they boasted the single gayest logo in NFL history then you fall into this category.

Yes, nearly everyone (myself included) rooted for you in 2001 because you were the sympathetic underdog team. Incredibly you beat the heavily favored Rams, marking the beginning of a dynasty for the next seven years that continues today.

Unfortunately somewhere along the way you took our respect and admiration, then sharpened it, and stabbed us in the face with it.

We thought you were different than New York fans, we thought you were better than telling us non-stop about your championships and city, as if the fans themselves lifted the team to greatness.

Not quite.

We’ve been had, duped, bamboozled, and swindled for you my friends are far worse than New York fans. You have in essence become the New York fans of old, just without an equally malicious media and fan base.

At least New Yorkers will take equal time and opportunity from boasting about their team’s greatness to rip into their own team quite mercilessly. Lets not forget at the start of this last season most people in the Big Apple wanted Coughlin fired, and some even wanted Eli gone.

Perhaps it’s the fact they’re used to winning or that there is more than just sports in New York.

Ultimately we all know that Boston is a baseball town; in my opinion the best. And I assure you there's nothing wrong with being a baseball town it’s fine, really. But for the last few years you’ve been waving your Pats flags around town as if you’ve been watching the NFL for more than eight years.

Maybe this is all Bill Simmons, Bob Ryan’s, or Jackie MacMullan’s fault but most people around the country just want you to give up already. That’s it really.

Go on rooting for whichever team you want; right now they’re all good, just please refrain from telling us about it for one day.

If you need proof just navigate the archives of this site and you’ll find plenty of bias articles that were posted solely to slurp or brag about a Boston team with no real information other than telling us what we already know (although there are some out there who don't fall into that category, in which case keep it up).

But after seeing the girls (or lack there of) in Boston I think I know why you all love, admire, and talk about your grown men so much.

So lets all make a deal you "New" Patriots fans: you can go back to liking the Red Sox, like you usually do, and we'll stick to football. It works out better for football fans everywhere, since you’re a baseball town anyway. Right?

Before I finish am I the only one who finds it horribly obnoxious that half of the East Coast has taken it upon themselves to call The Patriots their team?

Since ownership gave this team the “New England” moniker every bandwagon buffoon from Delaware, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, and up to Maine, decided it was necessary to call them "their" team. I understand you don’t have much else, but I know the majority of you claimed to be Giants or Jets fans prior so you’re not fooling anyone.

The moniker merely serves as an easy and trite explanation of your bandwagon nature. Now that Brady is done for the year and Patriots lofty expectations looked all but squashed we'll be able to see who the real fans are......

*As you probably noticed I didn’t mention your coaches penchant for cheating or bending the rules. This is because I simply don’t care. Even if they did cheat it’s damn hard to do it well enough to win three Superbowls in four years, and the rest of the NFL should have caught on sooner. Besides as the great prophet Sir Charles Barkley said, “if you’re not cheating you’re not trying to win”. *

“Arlington” Cowboys:

After attending a few Cowboys games myself I’ve come to the conclusion that the Cowboys are certainly God’s team and that hole in the roof is in fact there so he can watch. My reason being that on Sundays’ Texas Stadium is as quiet as a church.

The only time you even hear their fans approach a detectable decidable level is when they’re booing their team for not completing a first down. I understand Cowboys fans have been spoiled by years of success but I don’t see such bandwagonry coming from other perennial NFL powerhouses.

As for sitting next to or engaging in rational football banter with a Cowboys fan, well, that’s a whole other monster in of itself. However don’t be worried about your physical safety because Texas Stadium is perhaps the safest place for an opposing fan to go.

That being said don’t expect a rational or exhilarating football conversation as Cowboys’ fans have no time to objectively talk about football, since they're to busy praying to Jerry Jones, or telling you why they’re “America’s Team”.

When engaged in such mindless banter with a Cowboys fan you can expect one phrase time and time again to be repeated or reverted to in case they feel they are losing an argument, it goes “How many Super Bowls do you have?”

He’ll ask this question as if he won them and owns their five previous titles himself, thus implying that you and your team are lesser.

Now for a Steelers or 49ers fan this might not seem like a bad thing, but you my friend are in for it to. If you do fall into this category they’ll tell you their team has appeared in more Super Bowls; as if appearances in a losing effort justify greatness.

If all else fails we can never forget their last bastion of escape; “We’re America’s Team”.

Now this is certainly true since we collectively vote (like a democracy should) year to year on who “America’s Team” is right? Were they America’s team when Quincy Carter was wiping cocaine residue off his noise to get a better handle on the ball, or when the incomparable Dave Campo was at the helm?

Damn you Bob Ryan and NFL Films, for creating a monster.

Then there is the all to familiar bandwagon Cowboy fan, of which there are thousands; most likely the reason they were called America’s team since you can always find one of these guys at nearly every game (regardless if Dallas is playing).

Generally this guy grew up in Oklahoma, Louisiana, or somewhere within a 2,000 mile radius of Dallas.

He’ll tell you he’s a Dallas fan because he grew up watching them or played pee wee football for the Cowboys. From there on out he’ll rant on about nothingness, spouting previous Cowboys greatness while finishing each sentence with “How bout dem Cowboys?!?!”

But don’t be fooled this is a rhetorical question. However the bandwagon nature of this group doesn’t stop there.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane when T.O. was a 49er and spiked the ball on their midfield logo. At which point you could hear thousands of Dallas’s fans around the country angrily labeling him a classless player, bad human being, poor teammate, and overrated WR.

Obviously forgetting that it was their own Michael Irvin that developed such diva-like behavior at the receiver position. Karma?

Those same fans that were calling for his excommunication from the football world will now tell you he’s a poor misunderstood man, who finally found Jerry Jones (their version of God) and turned his life around.

Yet, after one disappointing season due largely in part to Tony Romo, Jerry's signings of Adam Jones & Tank Johnson, and bad play calling by Jason Garrett, Cowboys fan turned to T.O. as the "bad guy" again.

Now I know this is indicative of many fans in all sports, but the Cowboys bunch seemingly takes it to a new level.

Most puzzling however is their unwavering love for Jerry Jones and "his" three Superbowl victories all while forgetting the Jimmy Johnson effect. Maybe it’s because Barry Switzer won a championship with “Jimmy’s” team but he should feel under-appreciated.

Most fans would have been horrified at Mr. Jones need to reaffirm that he is in fact the head of the Cowboys in firing his championship architect. In doing so he set your team on a irreversible course for disaster that would culminate in a flurry of suspect coaching hiring’s and Chad Hutchinson quarterbacking your team.

Luckily Jerry had enough sense to finally find an equally as brilliant general manager and coach in Bill Parcells; who he summarily fired as well. Maybe he’s hoping Wade Phillips can be his Barry Switzer?

Either way as good as Jerry Jones is as an owner, he’s shown a suspect drafting prowess (at best) and has firing resume that includes Tom Landry, Jimmy Johnson, and Bill Parcells.

In summation this is an overzealous bunch, who finds a way to perpetually feel slighted by the media and others, even though at the first hint of greatness ESPN initiates its customary Dallas Love Fest into high gear; beginning a year long event that won’t end until this teams run is over.

Now I understand the Dallas Cowboys are an icon of the NFL and American Sports in general, and that Jerry Jones is a great owner, but please Cowboys’ fans we don’t need to hear it from you.

Let your deifying commence once the team wins a playoff game within the last decade; which should happen this year. Dammit.

Buffalo Bills:

No other group of fans has it worse. Like a battered wife in a bad cliche movie, they keep coming back for more. Believing that one day things will change, and my god I hope so.

What other group of fans would retain such loyalty and pride in the wake of four straight Superbowl losses? Most of us would quickly change allegiances, or completely give up the NFL all together.

Not only have they suffered through a seemingly unbreakable record of Super Bowl failure, their most known player is among America’s most despised athletes.

The football gods have not been kind to this bunch.

From the late 80’s to the early 90’s the Bills had, one of football history’s most likeable coaches, a plethora of offensive weapons, a special teams god, and arguably the best pass rusher in NFL history.

Buffalo’s own Big Three (who had it not been for the Super Bowl losses would have been talked about in the same breath as the Cowboys) dominated the AFC for four years with nothing to show for.

With this core of elite players the Bills won an astounding four straight conference championships (something likely to never be repeated), only to have their hearts ripped out every January.

Worse off each Superbowl appearance got worse and worse for them and their fans. While the first loss to the Giants on a late field goal miss might have been the most painful the other three went downhill fast, as Buffalo was outscored 119-54 in their next three Superbowl outings.

Sadly, just as we thought it couldn’t get any harder for the Bills and their fans, the economic side of the NFL has reared its ugly head. Leaving the Bills among the top of the list of the teams for relocation; to Toronto of all places.

But don't blame Bills fans for the team's financial problems as they've purchased the third-highest number of season tickets in franchise history and the most since Buffalo's fourth straight Super Bowl season; even though the team hasn’t seen a playoff game since 1999!

Yet through all their Superbowl and financial misery, these fans keep showing up in droves, to lead arguably the best pre-game parking lot atmosphere in the NFL.

So here’s a salute to Bill’s fans everywhere, and I can assure you that one will never see me rooting against you; unless it’s in regards to a bet or your playing the Texans.

Arizona Cardinals:

Just kidding. They’re a myth.

UPDATE: Cardinals fans do in fact exist now, so the true test begins to see whether or not they stick with them.

*I know a lot of native Philadelphians are either surprised or upset that I did not include you in this article. But don't worry it’s not because you haven’t shown you deserve to be talked about in the same light as such aforementioned fans but rather that you guys are the Michael Jordan’s of ravenous fans and your greatness in that regard is well known and documented.*

Examination Of The American Football Fan: Part III, NFL Fans

Spenser T. Harrison — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:53:59 -0400

I thought I’d continue my examination of the American Football Fan, with some specific NFL fans.

Oakland Raiders:

Although Raiders fans generally come off as blindly-patriotic, lacking any objectivity, and down right idiotic in their expectations of the team from year to year don’t be fooled.

This is a knowledgeable bunch of fans, they just don’t give a shit about your team, and like the Russian government they will never admit a weakness even as the walls crumble around them.

The “New” Patriots Fan:

Unfortunately somewhere along the way (likely sometime after Janet’s titty was exposed) you took our respect and admiration, then sharpened it, and stabbed us in the face with it.

We thought you were different than New York fans, we thought you were better than telling us non-stop about your championships and city, as if the fans themselves lifted the team to greatness.

Not quite.

Perhaps it’s the fact they’re used to winning or that there is more than just sports in New York.

Ultimately we all know that Boston is a baseball town; in my opinion the best. And I assure you there's nothing wrong with being a baseball town it’s fine, really. But for the last few years you’ve been waving your dicks around about the Patriots as if you’ve been watching the NFL for more than eight years.

Maybe this is all Bill Simmons, Bob Ryan’s, or Jackie MacMullan’s fault but most people around the country just want you to shut up already. That’s it really. Go on rooting for whichever team you want; hell right now they’re all good, just please refrain from telling us about it for one day.

But after seeing the girls (or lack there of) in Boston I think I know why you all love, admire, and talk about your grown men so much.

Before I finish am I the only one who finds it horribly obnoxious that half of the East Coast has taken it upon themselves to call The Patriots their team?

Since ownership gave this team the “New England” moniker every blowhard from Delaware, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, and up to Maine, decided it was necessary to call them "their" team. I understand you don’t have much else, but I know the majority of you claimed to be Giants or Jets fans prior so you’re not fooling anyone.

The moniker merely serves as an easy and trite explanation of your bandwagon nature.

“Arlington” Cowboys:

That being said don’t expect a rational or exhilarating football conversation as Cowboys’ fans have no time to objectively talk about football, since they're to busy guzzling down Jerry Jones semen, or telling you why they’re “America’s Team”.

He’ll ask this question as if he won them and owns their five previous titles himself, thus implying that you and your team are lesser.

If all else fails we can never forget their last bastion of escape; “We’re America’s Team”.

Damn you Bob Ryan and NFL Films, for creating a monster.

Generally this guy grew up in Oklahoma, Louisiana, or somewhere within a 2,000 mile radius of Dallas.

But don’t be fooled this is a rhetorical question. However the bandwagon nature of this group doesn’t stop there.

Obviously forgetting that it was their own Michael Irvin that developed such diva-like behavior at the receiver position.

Now I know this is indicative of many fans in all sports, but the Cowboys bunch seemingly takes it to a new level.

Either way as good as Jerry Jones is as an owner, he’s shown a suspect drafting prowess (at best) and has firing resume that includes Tom Landry, Jimmy Johnson, and Bill Parcells.

In summation this is an overzealous bunch, who finds a way to perpetually feel slighted by the media and others, even though at the first hint of greatness ESPN initiates its customary Dallas Suck Fest into high gear; beginning a year long event that won’t end until this teams run is over.

Now I understand the Dallas Cowboys are an icon of the NFL and American Sports in general, and that Jerry Jones is a great owner, but please Cowboys’ fans we don’t need to hear it from you. Let your deifying commence once the team wins a playoff game within the last decade; which should happen this year. Dammit.

Buffalo Bills:

No other group of fans has it worse. Like a cliché battered wife they keep coming back for more, believing that one day things will change; my god I hope so.

What other group of fans would retain such loyalty and pride in the wake of four straight Superbowl losses? Most of us would quickly change allegiances, or completely give up the NFL all together.

Not only have they suffered through a seemingly unbreakable record of Super Bowl failure, their most known player is among America’s most despised athletes.

The football gods have not been kind to this bunch.

Buffalo’s own Big Three (who had it not been for the Super Bowl losses would have been talked about in the same breath as the Cowboys) dominated the AFC for four years with nothing to show for.

With this core of elite players the Bills won an astounding four straight conference championships (something likely to never be repeated), only to have their hearts ripped out every January.

Yet through all their Superbowl and financial misery, these fans keep showing up in droves, to lead arguably the best pre-game parking lot atmosphere in the NFL.

So here’s a salute to Bill’s fans everywhere, and I can assure you that one will never see me rooting against you; unless it’s in regards to a bet or your playing the Texans.

Arizona Cardinals:

Just kidding. They’re a myth.

Examination of the American Footbal Fan: Part II, Continued

Spenser T. Harrison — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:37:09 -0400

The continuation of part two of the Examination of the American Football fan.

The Executive

This species of football fan is currently recognized as the fastest growing population among all others in this animal kingdom.

As NFL ticket prices rise and personal seat licenses, and any other money-milking maneuver owners implement, become more common, so to will "The Executive". To him, the game is not for fun, or to get away from the drudgery of the workplace. Rather, it’s the stage from which he will launch his all-business assault upon customers or colleagues, hoping to close on his much anticipated “deal”.

"The Executive" has perfected the art of bullshitting, to a point even politicians could admire.

Showing just enough interest in the game to convince those around him that he is a fan without leaving himself open to questions that could potentially expose him.

This workaholic has no true identity and is merely a suction cup on the long tentacles of corporate conglomerates.

This group of fan shows little physical variation, generally opting to wear a suit. Occasionally, perhaps he decided to go casual with a button down shirt, sweater vest, loafers and a golf hat. If he is outfitted in neither of his customary garb, you can be sure he’s loaded in home-squad regalia recently purchased at the team store 10 minutes before kickoff.

While their population is increasing, coming across this particular species of fan isn’t as easy as one would expect.

"The Executive’s" are generally a reclusive bunch, hiding within a press box or at the club-level bar, watching the game on a plasma TV. This is specifically designed to avoid intermingling with normal fans at all costs. Adding to his evasiveness, he’ll surely leave the stadium early in the fourth quarter (regardless of the score) to avoid traffic on his 45-minute drive back to the suburbs.

Mr. Know-it-All

This wannabe coach, high-school hero, or failed sportswriter came to the game as if it were his office. Most likely, he coaches his son's peewee team in hopes of climbing the coaching ranks or turning his son into the next Tom Brady.

At the game, he’s usually in his seat 10 minutes prior to kickoff, with his three-course meal in hand, prepared for his endless in game critique. As the game commences, he’ll notice that most people around him stand and cheer from time to time. Not wanting to spill his meal, he’ll continuously tell you to “sit down” or “calm down”, so that HE can see the game.

Heaven forbid the fans around him show some signs of life and rather not destroy their back and ass on a $5 plastic seat they’ve paid 40 percent markup for.

The real reason behind "Mr. Know-It-all's" actions are simple; he doesn’t have time for yelling, cheering, or anyone acting like an idiot. He’s there to watch the game as if he were in film study, studiously breaking down every play and possession to show everyone around them what they missed.

During the course of the game, he’ll brag about how he attends OTAs and training camp, giving him unprecedented access into the inner workings of the team. He feels as though he is the liaison between the coaches, the players, and to you, the fan.

"Mr. Know-It-All" usually runs a team-specific blog on which he displays his exceptional 20/20 hindsight to point out every mistake made over the last five years.

This is the kind of guy who is a slut for statistics. To him they are the end all of debates and could never be skewed in any way. Which is why he’ll also surely be involved in fantasy football and exclaim every three minutes, “He’s on my fantasy team!” when that specific player does something; regardless who he’s playing for.

As he continuously looks up at the scoreboard for his fantasy stats, this modern day Nostradamus will gloat about the time he picked up Wes Welker, Derek Anderson, Marcus Colston, or some other gem in the rough on one of his 15 fantasy teams a year.

His attempts at displaying incomparable knowledge are designed to effectively show you that he knew more than you about the game from the get go.

"Mr. Know-It-All" will probably tell you he gambles a lot on football too, offering some wild theory that he’s developed, assuring you “it can't lose”. In doing so, he’ll list his records of massive wins without every noting a single loss.

The best thing to do with this guy is put him in his place by asking him why, with all this supreme football knowledge, and incomparable gambling talent, he chooses to sit in the nosebleed sections every-week bringing in the same souvenir cup from three years ago.

Father/Son Combo

Ok, ok, I’ll try to be light on this group since we all know the sacred bond between father, son, and sport. But that doesn’t give them full immunity.

There are a handful of these father/son combos that come to a game and expect it to be just like a Sunday at their church. They’ll excitedly rush to their seats, await kickoff, with the father anxiously ready to explain the intricacies of the sport to his child.

Yet, at some point in the game, as your throat becomes a bottomless funnel for choice hops, you might open your mouth; perhaps even cheer for your team.

In doing so, you’ll probably spout some profanity-infested tirade about the situation at hand. At which point, Mr. Overprotective will turn around giving you a stern look of warning. He’s not only there to teach his child the game, but also to make sure that in doing so, his precious offspring isn’t corrupted by its inebriated fans.

However, his defensive maneuver rarely works and will only serve to provoke you since the booze has given you superhuman fortitude to stand your ground.

As the game—and beers—continue to flow, the intensity will slowly escalate to the point where he and you become more interested in provoking one another than actually watching the game. The conflict between you two has become a game within a game, each testing each others boundaries and defenses until the other can no longer sit pat.

Much like Iran and Israel, the both of you will volley warning signals and signs of aggression back and forth, in hopes of deterring the inevitable or leading the other into a first strike; thus giving you the high-ground.

Eventually, the rising tensions reach their tipping point and all hell breaks lose. However, be careful, because as I said earlier there is a line to cross. And in this case, once that happens, you’ve crossed into the realm of indecency and become the “drunk guy”.

At which point he’ll be able to call in his reinforcements known as stadium security and you’ll be ejected shortly.

From there on, you’ll be that “drunk guy” this dad will talk about at every family get-together. Reminiscing about how you ruined his sons’ first experience at a professional game and reveling in the fact that he got your season tickets revoked.

Annoying Kid

He might seem innocent, charming, or harmless, yet "Annoying Kid" is anything but. Not yet fully evolved into a raving fanatic, he is in the early stages of his maturation toward becoming “the best fan ever”.

Surely diagnosed with ADHD, he has likely forgotten to ingest his daily prescribed Ritalin, setting himself on an inventible course to annoying the crap out of everyone. From there on out, he’ll serve as a prime example for the justification for pro-choicers to all those within his section.

"Annoying Kid" will scream incessantly in a high-pitched, pre-pubescent shriek at even the most obscure of plays. He gets overly excited every time the stadium decides to ask the fans which helmet the ball is hidden under, frantically jumping up and down when he is proven right.

Furthermore, he’ll sure to boo every call the referee makes against your team, even when it was clearly the right one. He continues his assault on the refs, blaming any loss or even a drubbing on the referees; pointing out that your quarterback's four interceptions were a direct result of previous bad calls.

"Annoying Kid" has no true understanding of the game beyond his own team, but will feel it necessary to try and bait you into bantering with him about the game. I advise you to immediately realize this deception and pay little attention, for the consequences will be regrettable.

If you make such an egregious mistake, you’ll surely wish you hadn’t by games end.

"Annoying Kid" will undoubtedly engage in an endless stream of worthless banter and ESPN rhetoric, designed to prove he’s smarter than the average kid. He’ll surely tell you about the time he commanded your team in Madden NFL 08, averaging six touchdown passes a game and going undefeated for three straight seasons against the computer.

He’s not just a great video-game field general but a general manager, too. Pointing out that he effectively bamboozled the Vikings into trading AP for three fourth-round draft picks. Thus serving as the prime example that his exceptional managerial skills in a Madden franchise have given him a resume equal to that of your current GM.

Somewhere along the way he’ll brag about how he waited hours outside the players' parking lot to get the long snapper’s autograph; whom he swears will be a future star.

Since his unwavering hyperactivity and regimented Ritalin diet has left his body too small and fragile to play football himself, you can be sure he’ll make up for his lost dreams every Sunday for years to come.

Avoid having season tickets next to "Annoying Kid" at all costs, because in the end, this ever-irksome larva will hatch into something far worse, such as “Mr. Facepaint” or “Mr. Know-It-All”.

Opposing Team Guy/Contractor Fan

Either he’s an obnoxious transplant citizen or this asshole super-fan flew hundreds of miles, for the sole purpose of pissing off everyone around him.

He is the prostitute of the football fan community, selling his allegiance and rendering his services to the highest bidder; in this case, the best team.

Many times this guy isn’t even wearing a jersey or piece of attire between the two teams playing, but rather one of “his” team. Moreover, his faded item is boasting a player who has long since retired or moved onto another team.

This haggard piece of apparel that once had the qualities of a jersey serves as his battle flag; proclaiming that he is different than anyone else in attendance.

Throughout the contest he ridicules those with any sense of loyalty, opting rather to be a mercenary fan.

Since he is naturally a bandwagon fan, he takes it upon himself to spout off about the team that is currently the best in the league. Or perhaps he’ll talk about “his” team's past Super Bowls as if they have any reference to the present game.

Either way, he’ll spend most of his time bragging on about how neither of the two teams on the field is as good as his. Joyously cheering every time the home team screws up.

However, the minute the opposing team makes an error, and those around him try to take their vengeance, he’ll likely respond with something to the tune of “I don’t care, it's not even my team, I’m a {insert recently acquired team here} fan.”

Don’t even bother with this creature, as no argument will be sufficient to persuade him that he is wrong or a complete douchebag. Since he has come there with the sole purpose of pissing you off, don’t give him that satisfaction.

Woo-Saa my friends. Woo-Saa.

Captain Noise-Maker

Perhaps the worst animal you could sit next to at any game.

Like a child, he is endlessly fascinated with making the loudest and most obnoxious noise possible. "Captain Noise-Maker" has likely brought or bought some piece of equipment specifically designed to do so in the most annoying way possible.

So much so that by the end of the game you’ll want to find the location of the company who makes this devil's instrument and firebomb their headquarters.

Unfortunately, many times, he needs no instrument at all, since he has perfected the art of the finger whistle. Proudly showing off his talent on every defensive/offensive possession, as well as any other arbitrary event through the course of the game.

In his mind, his ability to whistle at the most obnoxious level possible is the difference between a win and a loss.

The worst part of sitting next to "Captain Noise-Maker" is that you feel his effects hours or even days after the game, as your eardrums were savagely raped for 60 minutes by his love for noise.

Examination of the American Football Fan: Part II, Typology of the Generic Fan

Spenser T. Harrison — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:59:38 -0400

Although the first article of my four-part series was deleted due to a butt-hurt government official, I felt it necessary to continue onward. That being said here is part two of the Examination of the American Football Fan: typology of the generic fans.

Drunk Guy

The most common species of American football fans, they can be found within any habitat or climate around the country.

Generally, this boozehound doesn’t have the money or time to afford sitting around in line for an $8 beer, so he’s taken the liberty to sneak in a flask of Popov Vodka, or throw back 11 consecutive Jack & Cokes while tailgating.

For him, the ability to cheer and prove his level of fanhood is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol he consumes.

While at first glance, “drunk guy” may appear to be docile and friendly, one must always approach with caution, for looks can be deceiving. In reality, he’s a ticking time bomb; a deadly cocktail of booze and failed dreams, waiting on the very moment someone tells him to “shut-up”, “sit-down”, or ”stop throwing up on my shoes” to explode into an inebriated verbal or physical rampage.

As the game kicks into full swing, so to does his drunken debauchery. From that point on, nothing but AC/DC pumped through stadium speakers, an old-fashioned ass kicking, or security can deter him from his insanely inebriated actions toward those around him.

In the least coherent way possible, he’ll scream, chant, whistle, and yell in a drunken effort to make his opinion heard by all those around him. At that point, if you want to watch the game in a civilized fashion, you’ll have to move sections or hope he gets lost on the way back from his piss break.

Eventually, you or another fan will take it on themselves to get rid of “the drunk guy” through a verbal lashing.

At first sign of such aggression, he’ll result to his most basic responses such as: “this is a free country”, “I know my rights”, or “this is America” as if those terms validate his inebriated actions and will deter anyone from calling stadium security.

Generally, being a decent human being, you’ll turn the other cheek and hope that you’ve seen the worst of it. Sadly, you haven’t. “Drunk guy” is a very territorial animal and you’ve made your presence felt.

He’ll surely continue his asinine and shit-canned behavior until you’re at your wits end, culminating with another ill-fated attempt at stopping him in hopes he’ll finally get the message.

Unfortunately, however, the alcohol has made him impervious to rationality, and each attempt by you or anyone else make to stop him only adds to his aggression.

After successive attempts to pacify him, he’ll probably react with such intellectual responses as: “I could kick your ass”, or “meet me in the parking lot”.

If he hasn’t passed out before the fourth quarter, you can be sure he’ll bitch to everyone about the fact that they don’t sell beer anymore, proclaiming, “I’m not even drunk yet!”

At which point he’ll retire in a drunken stupor to a nearby bar, hopefully smashing his truck head-on into a guardrail in the process.

The Old-Timer

Yeah, he still loves the team, but not really. More so, he loves the team of old.

The “old-timer” is generally bitter that his glory days have passed, his Viagra no longer keeps his dick hard, and he has to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes.

Rather than enjoy the game from the comfort of his home and within the reaches of his oxygen tank, he chooses to drag his corpse to the stadium and banter on about the old-days.

Generally hopped up on prescription pills, this fossil will pass in and out of consciousness with just enough energy to slur a few mildly-coherent sentences together, bashing the modern game.

As for attire, he’s most likely wearing a tarnished t-shirt, bearing conference Champs pre-1980s; generally the same year your team lost the Super Bowl. The shirt itself has since become a collector’s item since the rest were shipped to villagers in Nicaragua.

He’ll reminisce about the days of yesteryear when athletes were moral, there wasn’t so much money, and black people were barred from competing.

If any mistake is made on the part of your current team, he’ll immediately erupt into a rant about the loss of fundamentals, high-paid athletes, and selfishness. If he’s around when a favorite athlete of yours makes a phenomenal play, by the time you’re done cheering he’ll murmur to you that “player X might be good, but he sure as hell is no player Y (that being the guy he saw in his youth).”

This decrepit old man will constantly boast that he was present during the glory years of your franchise; highlights of which you saw on sports classic a week ago.

Making sure to point out it will never be the same.

The best thing to do when confronted with this petrified relic of the past is to not actively respond, but rather simply smile and nod. Not only will this make sure you don’t become engaged in meaningless, heated discourse about the generation gap, but chances are he can’t hear you anyway.

Mr. Facepaint

Here’s a group of people that should be immediately penciled in for castration, as to not let such tainted genes permeate through our society.

Suffering from a bad case of identity crisis, Mr. Facepaint lives and dies through the achievements of his team. Generally, the most rabid fans of this bunch, football has gone far beyond a passion and into a way of life.

Their very fandom is a representation of who they are as a person.

Mr. Facepaint is a guru in the art of football fanaticism and strongly believes that to be a true fan, you must shed all sense of dignity. To him, his face is merely the canvas from which he displays his mastery of being an NFL fan.

Unrelenting in his rabid enthusiasm, he’s got tons of reserve energy supply to last him well into overtime if need be. Likely stored up from sitting on the couch all week and earning his living on eBay.

While they are great for the overall atmosphere and playoff games, you won’t be able to have season tickets next to one of these guys.

Although he spends most of the game-cheering non-stop, he’ll find enough time to explain to you why and how he’s a better fan, due to his attire and the fact that he has never missed a game. Failing miserably to raise or provide for a family in doing so.

Give him credit though, his job isn’t easy, and it takes the utmost dedication and loss of dignity and rational to achieve such status.

Before every game, this blowhard wakes up at 6:00 AM to paint his face and ready himself in his personally-made attire. Fledged in buttons, some sort of unrelated headgear, face paint, and matching shoes, this machismo is ready for battle.

Since he generally lacks any artistic ability, the paint is usually off-shades of your team colors, strewn haphazardly across his face, somewhat resembling a logo. However by the games end he’ll look like the Ultimate Warrior at the end of a match; boasting the remnants of what used to be a discernible costume.

More times than not, he has some arbitrary piece of rallying equipment that he swears brings good fortune to your team ever since that glorious comeback years ago. Regardless if he has brought it to every game since while your team has consecutively failed to make the playoffs for years.

Every Sunday, during the season, he’s there not only to cheer for his team, but to prove to everyone around him that he is the “best fan”. He looks down upon those that don’t show the same enthusiasm, balking at their lack of team pride and patriotism.

Mr. Facepaint always use’s the word “we” when talking about the team, as if he is an integral part to their success or lack there of. Moreover, he has dedicated years of his life to coming up with catchy nicknames for every player in order to appear as if they have an amicable relationship.

His love of the team goes far beyond reasonable player admiration, knowing everything down to what STD’s your players have contracted within the last year.

Perhaps you’re lucky enough to sit by a more mild man of his category.

Rather than personally made garb, he shows his appreciation for the team by purchasing an officially licensed, hand stitched jersey for $300+. Many times he’ll go as far to put his own last name on the back, so he can tell himself he is a part of the team.

If you’re incredibly blessed, you might even get the type that dresses up in full NFL gear. As if he was hoping and praying for the one time your team is short on men and calls him into service.

For the reasons I’ve just explained, you generally see this guy alone. If someone has in fact joined him, it’s almost always by his son.

A carbon copy of him, who has been carefully trained and breed for the inevitable day when he must usurp his fathers place as Mr. Facepaint.

*Disclaimer: Unless you’re under the age of 15, completely shit-housed, or lost a bet with a friend, don’t paint your face. It’s overused and has long since crossed into the realm of cliché; you’re not impressing anyone.*

The Hater

Just a few minor misfortunes away from suicide or capital murder, he has nothing good to say about the team or anyone around him.

To “The Hater” you and your team have become his verbal punching bag. Serving as a therapeutic release for all his pent up hatred at the world.

Once the game commences, he’ll immediately engage in a pre-planned bitchfest about the team, the owner, ticket prices, parking, and ultimately culminating in minority bashing.

His aura of negativity is so strong he’ll manage to bring people around him down to his sad level.

"The Hater" loves nothing more than an irrevocable in-game injury. At which point he’ll make sure to call that misfortunate player who has been gruesomely injured a “pussy” for not picking up his recently mangled ankle or leg and crawling off the field himself.

The best thing to do with “the hater” is to show him no attention at all.

That way, he doesn’t get what he came for, gaining nothing from you or those around you. From there on out, you can be sure he will finish his night as usual; alone at home, drowning his sorrows and feelings of emptiness into a bottle of alcohol and anti-depressants.

Besides, there’s no sense in wasting your energy to verbally or physically attack “The Hater”, since he’s already dead inside.

To Be Continued...

NFL: All-Time Felon Team

Spenser T. Harrison — Wed, 28 May 2008 23:20:09 -0400

With Sgt. Roger Goodell stepping up his conduct policy, it's time to relish the now-dying National Felons League. In honor of the illustrious criminal careers of many of its athletes, I’ve created the All-Time Felon Team.

While there are no doubt some people I’m missing; most likely a lot of white guys in the '50s and '60s whom the media covered up for because, that was the thing back then. I’ve included many of the most notorious and memorable. Thankfully the majority of those on this list that are still alive have “found” God and put their troubles behind them.

Quarterback

Todd Marinovich

Todd's career stats might not be hall-of-fame caliber but his rap sheet is:

*1991: Arrested while still a student at USC, on charges of rape and substance abuse.

*1997: Arrested on suspicion of growing marijuana and served three months in jail after pleading guilty

*2000: Arrested for sexual assault

*2005: After being found with apparent drug paraphernalia. He fled on a child's bicycle, but was caught a few blocks away. He gave his occupation as "unemployed artist" and "anarchist" on the police report, which stated that his pupils were dilated and his behavior "erratic.”

*2007: Arrested and charged with felony drug possession and resisting a police order after being stopped for skateboarding near the Newport Beach, California Pier boardwalk, where skateboarding is forbidden by local ordinance. Marinovich ran away when officers tried to stop him. He was found hiding in a carport about six blocks away. He had a guitar case, and inside officers found about a gram of powdered methamphetamine, a metal spoon and a hypodermic needle.

Notable Mentions: Michael Vick, Warren Moon

Running Backs

O.J. Simpson

I suppose this is un-fair since O.J. obviously didn’t kill his wife, as the court of law proved. However, his upcoming trial in Vegas for criminal conspiracy, assault, kidnapping, and robbery seemed like enough to warrant his placing on this list.

Lawrence Phillips

We all know Lawrence’s penchant for beating up women; at Nebraska he dragged his girlfriend down a flight of stairs and slammed her head against a mailbox, and also punched a girl in the face at a nightclub for not dancing with him. But let us not forget his glorious attempt at a comeback in a pick-up game in California.

On Aug. 21, 2005, Phillips was arrested for assault after allegedly driving a car into three teenagers, following a dispute with the teens during a pick-up football game in Los Angeles, California. Readers should also note that at the time of the arrest, Phillips was wanted in San Diego in connection with two alleged domestic abuse incidents involving a former girlfriend, who claimed that Phillips choked her to the point of unconsciousness during one of the incidents.

Notable Mentions: Jim Brown, Stanley Wilson Sr., Jamal Lewis

Tight End

Mark Chmura

Chmura was accused of having had inappropriate sexual contact on Apr. 8, 2000, at a Waukesha Catholic Memorial High School Prom Party, with the then 17-year-old babysitter of his children. Ultimately, Chmura was tried but found not guilty of all charges. Two days after being acquitted of child enticement and third-degree sexual assault, Mark Chmura acknowledged that his behavior at a post-prom party "wasn't something a married man should do".

I want to remind everyone that this was after Chmura refused to meet with then U.S. President Bill Clinton at the White House following the Packers Super Bowl XXXI win. Chmura, who was a popular fixture at Republican fund-raisers, said at the time that he had lost respect for President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky scandal and could not bear to shake his hand. Priceless Mark.

Notable Mention: Jeremy Stevens

Receivers

Michael Irvin

This was an obvious choice as Michael continually made himself a fixture within the Dallas police community: sexual assaults (case was dropped), regular assaults (paid out of court), and a few drug charges along the way. Unbeknown to many, Irvin made enough of an impression to have Johnnie Hernandez (a Dallas police officer) put out a hit on him to an undercover DEA agent, for which he served 12 years in jail.

Rae Carruth

His crime makes him the Jerry Rice of this list. He ordered, and paid, for a drive-by execution of his then girlfriend Cherica Adams for not having an abortion (Rae was getting tired of having to pay for more children). Although Adams was still alive when she got to the hospital (she even identified Rae as the perpetrator), she died shortly thereafter.

Following her death and his posting of bail, Rae began a short-lived career as a fugitive until he was captured in neighboring Tennessee. It should be noted he was found hiding in the trunk of a car outside a motel with $3,900 in cash, bottles containing urine, extra clothes, candy bars, and a cell phone. Hopefully he still has his receiving skills and doesn’t drop the soap too often.

Offensive Line

Justin Strzelczyk

After a hit-and-run accident in New York, he led police on a 40-mile chase, during which he flipped them off and threw beer cans at their patrol cars. Unfortunately for Justin, the chase ended rather abruptly when his car smashed head on at 90 MPH into a tanker-truck carrying corrosive acid, killing him instantly.

Victor Riley

Although he was arrested in New Orleans for a DWI, it was his other crime that landed him on this list. In 2001, he was charged with felony aggravated assault, criminal damage to property, fleeing the scene of an accident, and child endangerment after he rammed his vehicle several times in to another occupied by his wife and child. He plead guilty to the aggravated assault and received counseling.

Nate Newton

In a perfect world, Nate would not be a considered a criminal for his actions, however, the U.S. government still thinks otherwise.

In November of 2001, Big Nate was arrested for driving a white van containing 213lbs. of marijuana. Just five weeks later he was again arrested with marijuana, however this time it was only a meager 175lbs. As Nate himself said “It was all the fun the law would allow … and then some”

Barrett Robbins

After going completely AWOL just hours before their Super Bowl matchup against the Buccaneers, Robbins never returned to football. Since then he’s been charged for attempted murder of a police officer (whom he violently attacked after being shot twice in the chest), and was also arrested for marijuana while awaiting that trial.

Chris Terry

Arrested for wife beating in 2002, in which he slammed his wife into a wall, head-butted her, and stuffed her face into a pillow while their two children watched.

Notable Mentions: Bryant McKinnie, Ross Verba, Todd Steussie

Defensive Line

Jim Dunaway

In 1998, Dunaway's ex-wife, Nonniel Dunaway, was found dead in a half-empty swimming pool. An autopsy revealed that she had a fractured skull and was unconscious when she was placed in the water by her assailant. Prior to this event, Nonniel had won a divorce judgment which gave her more than 800 acres of property that the couple owned, $1,800 a month in alimony, and half of Dunaway's NFL pension.

They had been divorced since 1995, and Dunaway was planning to appeal. Although Dunaway was later charged with her murder, a grand jury chose not to indict Dunaway of the charges. In response, his children filed a wrongful death lawsuit, alleging that Dunaway was responsible for their mother's death. In 2002, Dunaway was found liable and ordered to pay $579,000 to his children. Ironically he was a teammate of O.J. Simpson for three years.

Dexter Manley

While other D-lineman that are not listed might have done more heinous crimes than Manley, he makes the list because he was the only one to receive a life-time ban from the NFL; for recording four official positive tests for illegal substances.

Since he played in the '80s and early-'90s when the NFL’s drug testing was suspect at best, this is quite an achievement. He also served time for a cocaine possession in 1995.

Leonard Little

Leonard Little claims the title as the only active NFL player to have killed another person. In 1998, after a booze filled b-day bash, Leonard decided to drive home, causing an accident and killing Susan Gutweiler of St. Louis, Missouri. Although he served a lengthy 90-day term, four years probation, and 1,000 hours of community service, Little was arrested six years later under the suspicion of driving intoxicated and speeding. During the stop he failed three field-sobriety tests, however Little was acquitted of driving while intoxicated, but was convicted of the misdemeanor speeding charge.

Mark Gastineau

The one time sack king was involved in a few off-the-field activities, including, assault, drug possession, and woman beating (burned a girlfriend with a cigarette lighter). Repeated parole violations led to 11 months in Riker's Island prison. He admitted to using steroids while he played for the Jets.

In 1991, Gastineau began a career in boxing. Although his first fight against Derrick Dukes produced a first-round knockout, Dukes, a professional wrestler, later admitted he took a dive. Furthermore in a 60 Minutes interview several others that fought Gastineau were told to take dives to make Gastineau look good.

Notable Mentions: Tank Johnson, Kevin Williams, Russell Maryland, Alonzo Spellman

Linebackers

Hollywood Henderson

In November 1983, Henderson was arrested for smoking crack cocaine with two teenage girls in California. He was accused of threatening them with a gun and sexual assault.However, he claimed that he gave them crack in exchange for consensual sex.

He pleaded no contest to the charges and served eight months in court-ordered drug rehabilitation, as well as two years in prison

Ray Lewis

He may have killed Jacinth Baker, 21 and Richard Lollar, 24. Or he may have ordered his friends to brutally stab them while he sat in the limo, or he may have not been involved at all...I don’t know, I’m not a detective or a doctor. But I’ll tell you what didn’t kill them, smoking.

Lawrence Taylor

The best defensive player in modern football history had an itch for the nose candy to say the least. In his infamous 60 Minutes interview, Taylor admitted to spending upwards of a thousand of dollars a day on cocaine, and he likened his domicile to a crack house. He also garnered a tax evasion charge to go with it all. Lawrence won’t be the first, or last, to tell you, “cocaine is a hell of a drug."

Notable Mentions: Joey Porter, Odell Thurman, Bill Romanowski,

Secondary

Pac-Man Jones

We all know the deal.

Corey Fuller

Fuller was charged with hosting high-stakes poker games at his house, which was also the site of a shootout. In that event, an assailant attempted to rob the card game and a shootout ensued, in which approximately 20 rounds were fired between Fuller and the man. Neither of them connected.

Terrance Kiel

In 2003, Kiel was shot three times after an attempted carjacking in Houston, though his most notable arrest was in 2006.

On Sept. 26, 2006, Kiel was arrested for multiple drug charges including: possession, possession with the intent to sell, and transportation of a controlled substance. Police came to the Chargers' practice facility and arrested him. He was released after posting a $1,550,000 bond.

On Feb. 7, 2007, he pleaded guilty to felony and misdemeanor drug charges for shipping codeine-based cough syrup to Texas; where it's known as “lean”, “purple”, “purple drank”, etc. He was ordered to do 100 hours of volunteer work, including talking to young people about dangers of drugs, and to undergo counseling for urinating in public. Surprisingly, Kiel remains a free agent.

Eugene Robinson

After winning that year's Bart Starr award from the Christian group Athletes in Action for his "high moral character”, he was arrested the night before the Super Bowl for offering money in return for sex to an undercover police officer.

Notable Mentions: Dwight Smith, Sean Taylor, Samari Rolle, Fred Smoot

Special Teams

Sebastian Janikowski

He's been arrested for numerous bar fights, drinking and driving (.20 BAC), reckless driving, bribing a police officer, evidence tampering, and possession of GHB; also known as the "the date-rape drug." Did I mention he was nearly deported on more than one occasion?

Todd Sauerbrun

Not much to go on for punters, so a DWI and steroids should do.

Dave Meggett

In 2004, Meggett surrendered to Dedham, Massachusetts authorities for failing to produce $191,600 that he owed in child support. Aldo in September of 2006, he was formally charged with the second-degree rape of his girlfriend.

Feel free to let me know who I left off this pantheon of criminal perpetrators

Top 10 Reasons Soccer Isn't Popular in the United States

Spenser T. Harrison — Mon, 05 May 2008 10:58:55 -0400

Apparently it’s soccer season in the United States of America.

Unbeknownst to most Americans the MLS is in full swing, already 6 weeks into the season. The mere fact that there is professional soccer in the U.S. might come as a surprise to you, but I assure you it does exist. With the majority of American’s I can only be bothered to care about soccer every four years, when the World Cup rolls around. Even then the only reason for watching is the hope that our C-Team athletes can beat a country that actually cares about the sport.

With that being said, we have to wonder why soccer isn’t popular in this country? Why is it that every child begins his sporting career with soccer only to pursue a different sport as soon as he or she can? How can the most popular sport in the world be relegated to the same fan fair as Bass Fishing and Bowling in our country? Well I’ve done some thinking and I’ve come up with 10 reasons why soccer isn’t popular in the United States.

10. Riots

It’s not the act of rioting itself but rather the fact that they are rioting over Soccer. In real countries we riot over race relations, the overthrow of a government, or because our team just won a championship.

However soccer fans, riot because it has become a cliché thing to do. It has no real purpose, no end result, and is ultimately brushed off as “soccer hooliganism”. Moreover hooliganism doesn’t even sound frightening (as a riot should) but rather like a bunch of drunken men playing grab-ass and making a mess.

9. Player’s with one name

Other than ancient Greek Philosophers no one is special enough to have one name; not even you Bono.

8. Brutality

It’s true, Americans like our fair share of violence.

We seem to believe that if someone is going to be paid millions of dollars to play a sport then there should be some possibility of irreversible bodily harm or death. This would explain why NASCAR and the NFL are currently America’s two favorite sporting events. To further that point I ask you what sport is the fastest growing in the U.S.? The answer would be MMA (mixed-martial-arts); a no holds bared modern day gladiatorial games.

7. Flopping

Not many things turn Americans off more about soccer than the flop.

When we want to see acting we go to a movie, not a sports arena. Only in soccer can a grown man theatrically run himself into ground at the slightest of contact, then grasp a portion of his body as if it had been blown off by a high powered rifle. This is then applauded as a valiant attempt to draw a call, after which the theif usually gets up seemingly unhurt and ready to fire their free kick.

6. Objectivity

Soccer has a clock which continually runs up instead of down, and in the end a single man decides when the game will end without informing anyone else.

On top of his already misplaced power he can basically give and take away points on a whim. There is no rulebook as to what clearly defines a foul, or a bad tackle. You can play an entire match only to have it decided by a thespian disguised as an athlete taking a theatrical dive in the penalty area. Thus, you are determining a winner by a random event that has no relevance to the rest of the game. Americans would never stand for it; it reeks of random injustice and unearned glory.

5. Substitution

Since each team is only allotted 3 substitutions per game soccer fans and players continually pride themselves on the fact that they ‘have stamina” or “run the entire game”.

In reality this retards the game. Not only will we only see a maximum of 12 different players from either team, but by the time the game gets into the final minutes they are exhaustedly trotting around with no attempt to make a play on the ball until it comes to them. If the ball does happen to roll their way, they’ll probably fail to make a play and immediately resort to the flop. Then they’ll lie on the ground for a good minute or two to regain the energy they’ve lost chasing a ball around for an hour.

4. Not Enough Scoring

A soccer team generally scores as much as Steve Erkel.

When your sport fails to notch as many points as a baseball game, there is a serious problem. It’s sad when a group of generally un-athletic guys playing a sport in pants, in which there is a very real possibility not a single bead of sweat will develop on them, still manage to have more scoring and excitement than soccer.

3. The Use of Hands (or lack thereof)

In the course of human evolution the opposable thumb is perhaps the single most important genetic alteration, yet soccer does not allow us to celebrate this.

Americans however enjoy the use of our hands, which is why we created Basketball; the American version of soccer. While Basketball encompasses the constant movement of soccer and the ability for the ref to objectively award free points, it does have its alterations. For instance, there’s more scoring, no goalie dressed in different attire as his teammates, freedom of substitution, and the all important use of hands.

2. The Tie

It has been said a tie is like kissing your sister and in soccer it happens 55% of the time

1. We’re not the best at it

Top Ten Reasons Soccer Isn't Popular in the United States

Spenser T. Harrison — Mon, 05 May 2008 10:54:26 -0400

Apparently it’s soccer season in the United States of America.

Unbeknownst to most Americans, the MLS is in full swing, already six weeks into the season. The mere fact that there is professional soccer in the U.S. might come as a surprise to you, but I assure you, it does exist.

Like the majority of Americans, I can only be bothered to care about soccer every four years, when the World Cup rolls around. Even then, the only reason for watching is the hope that our C-Team athletes can beat a country that actually cares about the sport.

With that being said, we have to wonder; why soccer isn’t popular in this country? Why is it that every child begins his sporting career with soccer, only to pursue a different sport as soon as he or she can? How can the most popular sport in the world be relegated to the same fanfare as bass fishing and bowling in our country?

Well, I’ve done some thinking, and I’ve come up with 10 reasons why soccer isn’t popular in the United States.

10. Riots

It’s not the act of rioting itself, but rather the fact that they are rioting over soccer. In real countries, we riot over race relations, the overthrow of a government, or because our team just won a championship. However, soccer fans riot because it has become a cliché thing to do. It has no real purpose, no end result, and is ultimately brushed off as “soccer hooliganism”. Moreover, hooliganism doesn’t even sound frightening (as a riot should), but rather like a bunch of drunken men playing grab-ass and making a mess.

9. Player’s with one name

Other than ancient Greek philosophers, no one is special enough to have one name, not even you Bono.

8. Brutality

It’s true, Americans like our fair share of violence. We seem to believe that if someone is going to be paid millions of dollars to play a sport, then there should be some possibility of irreversible bodily harm or death. This would explain why NASCAR and the NFL are currently America’s two favorite sporting events, and baseball's fan base has steadily fallen as their salaries have grown.

To further that point, I ask you what sport is the fastest growing in the U.S.? The answer would be MMA (mixed-martial-arts); a modern-day gladiatorial games.

7. Flopping

Not many things turn Americans off to soccer more than the flop. When we want to see acting, we go to a movie, not a sports arena. Only in soccer can a grown man theatrically run himself into ground at the slightest of contact, then grasp a portion of his body as if it had been blown off by a high-powered rifle. This is then applauded as a valiant attempt to draw a call, after which the theif usually gets up seemingly unhurt, ready to fire their free kick.

6. Objectivity

Soccer has a clock which continually runs up instead of down, and in the end, a single man decides when the game will end without informing anyone else. On top of his already misplaced power, he can basically give and take away points on a whim. There is no rulebook as to what clearly defines a foul, or a bad tackle. You can play an entire match only to have it decided by a thespian disguised as an athlete taking a theatrical dive in the penalty area.

Thus, you are determining a winner by a random event that has little to no relevance to the rest of the game. Americans would never stand for it; it reeks of random injustice and unearned glory.

5. Substitution

Since each team is only allotted three substitutions per game, soccer fans and players continually pride themselves on the fact that they ‘have stamina” or “run the entire game”. In reality, this retards the game. Not only will we only see a maximum of 12 different players from either team, but by the time the game gets into the final minutes, they are exhaustedly trotting around with no attempt to make a play on the ball until it comes to them.

If the ball does happen to roll their way, they’ll probably fail to make a play and immediately resort to the flop. Then they’ll lie on the ground for a good minute or two to regain the energy they’ve lost chasing a ball around for an hour.

4. Not Enough Scoring

A soccer team generally scores as much as Steve Erkel. When your sport fails to notch as many points as a baseball game, there is a serious problem. It’s sad when a group of generally unathletic guys playing a sport in pants, in which there is a very real possibility that not a single bead of sweat will develop on them, still manage to have more scoring and excitement than soccer.

3. The Use of Hands (or lack thereof)

In the course of human evolution, the opposed thumb is perhaps the single most important genetic alteration, yet soccer does not allow us to celebrate this. Americans however, enjoy the use of our hands, which is why we created basketball; the American version of soccer.

While Basketball encompasses the constant movement of soccer and the ability for the ref to objectively award free points, it does have its alterations. For instance, there’s more scoring, no goalie dressed in different attire as his teammates, freedom of substitution, and the all important use of hands.

2. The Tie

It has been said that a tie is like kissing your sister, and in soccer it happens 55 percent of the time

1. We’re not the best at it